A Hot Dog Is a Sandwich - Ranking EVERY Jarred Salsa

Episode Date: May 13, 2026

Today, Josh and Nicole taste and rank jarred salsa! Leave us a voicemail at (833) DOG-POD1 Check out the video version of this podcast: youtube.com/@ahotdogisasandwich To learn more about listener data and our privacy practices visit: https://www.audacyinc.com/privacy-policy Learn more about your ad choices. Visit https://podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hey. Hey. You think we can eat every grocery store salsa? Yeah, man. I think we're born for this. This is a hot dog is a sandwich. Ketchup is a smoothie. Yeah, I put ice in my cereal.

So what? That makes no sense. A hot dog is a sandwich. A hot dog is a sandwich. What? Welcome to our podcast, A Hot Dog is a Sandwich, the show we break down the world's biggest food debates. I'm your host, Josh Sher.

And I'm your host, Nicole in Iy. And today we will be attempting to. overcome our Jewish digestive genes by eating every grocery store salsa. This is, this is what happens. Dude, my doctor was like, hey, you can't have dairy anymore. And I'm like, oh, and she's like, you can have goat though. And I'm like, okay. So I tried goat milk for the first time.

Delicious. Is this a real doctor or the doctor that told you to stop eating almonds? Oh, this is another doctor. There's another one. Yeah, yeah. The almond doctor, she was like an almond mom doctor. She was an almond mom doctor They exist.

I've previously had This is a fun type of doctor, a powerlifting doctor Who is kind of like, you need to keep lifting weights Or else bad things are going to happen. And so I love when doctors verify what you already know to be true. I have another doctor, oh, not another doctor, my primary care physician, that I don't know, I had like a 15-minute appointment

And they prescribed me four things. And I felt like that was too much. That's a lot. Writing one prescription every 3.75 minutes was like kind of a lot. Four is a lot. Four's a lot. That's too much. Yeah.

I mean, some of them were like, one was like a, I like, showed her the painful bump on my foot. And she was like, it's probably a callus. And I was like, I don't think it. And then she like wrote me a prescription for a callus remover. I don't know. You should get a new PCP. I know.

And I love PCP more than anything. Yeah, shermsticks. We're all about sherm sticks. Oh, God. What a throwback. Nicole, today we're not talking about shirm sticks. We're talking about grocery store salsas. There are so many of them

Almost as many I would say too many salas To your too many prescriptions that were offered to you in 15 minutes What a tremendous segue I don't know if there's too many sauces Well today we're gonna find out to see how many of them are so similar Because salsa is obviously just Spanish for sauce Right

But if you go to like a Mexican restaurant You go to like a taquerro worth their salt And they have you know They might have a salsa bar That has six different kinds of sauces on it Which is all is wonderful. And I love seeing the multivariance of color. I love seeing like a dark green, a bright green, a creamy green, an orange.

Oh, you get like a black salsa, like a cholet charred chili salsa. Give me a black salsa all day. A salsa roha, like a chili d'ar. But you know, like all these, none of those sauces are the sauces that we're talking about today, right? No, these are all going to be primarily, I would say, tomato-based medium sauces with a little bit of something. Now that something can be a strong cumin flavor, a strong onion flavor, a strong cilantro flavor, a strong jalapeno flavor, maybe a combination of all of those, maybe none of those. I'm very excited to try it. Is this an American, not an invention, but like, okay, so this is like salsa hit tomato, right? Like a tomato-based salsa is obviously like very common in a lot of Mexican foods.

Even getting something like a torta oogada or like tacos tors, tors, where there's like a very thin tomato. tomato sauce on it. Almost like a tomato broth. Almost like a tomato broth, yeah. But like this isn't that, but this also isn't quite like a salsa that you'd make in like a mocha hette, right? I mean, you could potentially, depending on how long you mulka hetae it for. Sure, but this is like a very unique. There's something about like the shelf stability of it because all this stuff you would put in salsa, it's not very shelf stable, right?

Well, you could say that about anything. You could say that about any shelf stable item. You could say that about jarred pasta sauce. Like jarred pasta sauce? Yeah, what about jared pasta sauce? But I guess jared pasta sauce is like it's cooked down very heavily, right? In a way that a lot of sauces, I don't think you would consider them to be like... There's salsa crude.

So there's salsa cruda, which is going to be like your raw salsa. So also as like pico de gallo. Yeah. And then a lot of sauces are actually cooked down too. But they'll be like roasted. No, always. Not always. I don't know.

No, you're right. Not always. Sometimes you boil the tomatoes to get the skin off and then you conchasea and then you put it in the blender and then you cook it down more. But there's something unique about this style of salsa. I agree. That to me tastes so immutably American. Versus even if you go to a Mexican grocery store, like a great one in especially the valley in L.A. is called Vyarta. Their chain or Northgate Gonzalez is another great one or El Super. But you go there and you get their like sauces that are in a deli cup.

And none of them taste... This is not that test. These are, like, sweet, they're acidic. They taste heavily of, like, cooked canned tomato. And they're delicious. We all grew up on them. Yeah, to be fair, we decided to go with jarred, shelf-stable, tomato-based, medium sauces instead of the stuff you get, you know, in your grocery aisle or something that is made in store.

Because, you know, in America, not everybody has access to that. Sometimes all you can get is the jarred stuff. So let's find the best jarred stuff we can. This to me is all, this is like the orange chicken of salsa. You know, it's like a uniquely American product, especially paste pecanque sauce. This is paste chunky. So this is not paste pecanter sauce. I was considering getting the pecanter sauce, but I was like, you know what?

You did the right thing. We are tasting medium sauces. Let's taste medium salsas. Are you just going to drink it? Don't do that. No, I want to eat it like a gazpacho because I think you can't eat this like a gazpacho. It is just white people taco night. I could eat this jar with a spoon.

Dude, my mom, every time we'd go to Baja Fresh, she would just eat the pico de gallo on the side, like it was a salad. It's Shirazzi. Pretty much shirazi salad. It literally is. What do you rate this, this Pace salsa? Give me your thoughts, feelings, and then rate it for me. To me, Pace is the baseline from all, from which all white people taco night salsa, and that's exactly what these are. You're so right.

This is white people taco night salsa. It's sweeter than I was anticipating. It's so sweet, but it's so salty and a southeastern. It's really a lot of things balanced in one. It's a chutney. It's like a chutney, dude. This is a tomato chutney. Especially you add, like, more warm spices in there, and like, it's a chutney.

It's incredible. Whoa. How much sugar's in there? Added sugar? Just sugar in general. Total sugar is one gram of total sugars. Really? Per what?

For two tablespoons. Yeah, at that point, it's hard when you're eating such a small quantity in there. But it tastes like quite sweet. It tastes like stewed tomato. sweeter than I was anticipating. To me, this is like the very middle of the bell curve. Sure. It's a strong five.

It depends if you're considering that a five or a seven. Because I do NBA dunk contest rules where an average dunk is a seven. I see. I see. You know what I mean? Any fans of the NBA dunk contest? I used to watch some. I used to watch compilations.

I'm a bit compilations person. Yeah. Oh my God. Like the XXL rookie cypher or whatever? You know the Tech Nine cipher? No. Okay. Send me your favorite.

Okay, the Tech 9 cipher, nothing beats it. Because he's like up against like designer and like a bunch of other random like rappers that have no... Oh, tech nine just destroy them? Yeah, he's built for it. Destroyes them. Have you seen the, there's the XXL freestyle rookie class cipher? And it's like, it's like Lil Dickie. Yes, yes, yes, yes.

It's like Anderson Pack, which Anderson Pack is an incredible musician, but he's not a rapper. And he goes out there and like earnestly gives it his best. And then there's, God, some... There's Little Dickie. Is there like to baby or not to baby? Oh no, designer. That's designer. Yeah, we're just going like bra.

Yeah. Okay, so I'm except my ciphers. That happens to me sometimes. But Little Dickie honestly holds his own and he does incredible. No, not only holds his own. He comes in there and just wraps circles around people. And I don't doubt that he wasn't freestyling, that he prepared, whatever. But that is one of the best YouTube videos of designer just going up there going.

Little Dickie, what are you doing later? Come on the show. I love you. Come on the show, man. Got a great podcast out with Benny Blanco. Oh, great. Both of you guys. Come on the show.

Come back, Benny. We'll chat. Now we're trying Cholula. Interesting. What is your thoughts about hot sauces going into the salsa world? Because Tapatio has done it. Tabasco's done it. Chalula, I think, has done it the best. This one tastes Mexican. That tastes like Chalula.

I mean, this is one three to four times hotter than the pace. Spicier than I was in this. This is significantly less sweet. This is heavily sweet. Spiced. There's like... Our bold peppers. Is it just chili or is there actual spice in there?

Let me see. What's interesting is it seems to not have any, either not have any thickening agents or the tomatoes aren't like stewed down and blended. Because when you stewed tomatoes down and blend them, you kind of get a lot of that tomato fiber that can thicken stuff. There's a lot of cumin in it. Wait, is there cumin on the label? That's what you're tasting, yeah. Heavy cumin. Heavy salt.

I still taste that stewed tomato. And there's also a lot of like peppery. Oh, jalapeno. You get a lot of that roasted jalapeno flavor. It tastes good. This is delicious. This sort of walks that line. It's almost heavier on the cumin than I want, though.

I just say what other chilies are in here? There it's arbor. Yeah, jalapeno and arbor. So the arbor, that is what, to me, a lot of these sauces are missing. And that's what I love. Like, if I make, like, a salsa mocha hette at home, I love combining, like, the acidity of tommatios with that, like, huge pepper cake and spice. of Arbol, and then like a dark, dusky, chili heat, like Wahia or something. Sure.

And those are the solaces that I think are, like, really, really wonderful when you get the dried mixed with the fresh. And I think that's what a lot of the American salts are missing. Chalula, it rode that line really well. That's kind of awesome. That's a great product that exists. I give it an eight. I think that's the most Mexican salsa I've eaten in a long time.

Yeah, from the jarred category. From the jarred category, yes. Now, this is my favorite late July. Now, why do I like this one? Because it's almost always on sale. And that's how I shop nowadays. I buy what's on sale and what doesn't look gross. I'll say this.

The texture of it, I love. The texture is crazy. You don't like the texture? This looks like gazpacho. Yeah, and it tastes like it too. The tomato flavor is beautiful. This is a soup. I like it.

This is delicious, but it's like a soup. Is there basil in there? This is salsa? Do I detect a taste... Can I sit from the... May I, except from the jar? No. Why?

I don't want you to. I want to. I'm saying no. Give it back. Hold on. I'm going to slurp it off of this. I'm reading. Organic iced tomatoes, onion jalapeno peppers, garlic water.

Organic garlic, organic, dried garlic, lots of garlic. Dried onions. It tastes like a soup. Spices, potato flour, and turmeric. Halapeno peppers. Okay. Wait, where do jalapeno peppers come in? After potato flour?

No, no, no. They're like fourth. Okay, okay. Okay, very, very high in the onion and granulated garlic. Wow, it does taste like a soup. After tasting the Chilula one, why do I buy this? It's delicious. It's a, they should rebrand it as a sip and salsa. As a sip and soup. Delicious. I could eat that all day. Yeah, it's like well-seasoned. It's delightful. The garlic punch is incredible. It's acidic. It just is in no way. Is that salsa? What if you took, it's almost too much acid. I was to say if you took a whole plate of like tequitos or tacos

Rata or Flatos or whatever. Mm-hmm. And you, like, drowned it in this. I would eat that. That's more similar. Okay, okay, fair. Titos, Titos tacos. Fair.

Fair. Fair, fair, fair. There's a class of Mexican restaurant in L.A. that, like, they're, like, older than 50 years. Yeah. To the point where they really had to mold a lot of their food around the current, you know, taste buds of people. So, like, taco sauce, for instance, the idea of taco sauce was literally meant to bridge the

gap between salsa and ketchup. So that's why it's, like, kind of sweet, kind of spicy. Is that why I like it so much? Yeah. And, I mean, that's, I grew up eating taco sauce on my, elementary school tacos and stuff for the school lunchline. It's like delightful. But it was meant to bridge that gap.

And so you go to a place like Atitos Tacos is a taco legend in Los Angeles. People line up for it. The only thing better than Atito's tacos is too. Everyone knows a slogan. There are these crispy hard shell, shredded yellow cheddar on there. And they serve it with a salsa. And like a lot of it, you get like eight ounces of tomato salsa. And it's dip it in there.

It's just so watered down, 85% tomatoes. But you like soak the whole taco. It almost softens the crisp of it. It's delicious. This has such a pleasant aftertaste, though, in comparison to the other two. Like, the late July aftertaste, the acid in there, it kind of makes your mouth water and want to eat more. Yeah, in a way that a nice gazpacho does on a hot day. I agree.

This is a six. It's a four. Aftertasting. No, because I wouldn't rather have this over pace. If I'm eating chips and salsa, I would get pace over that. I'll give it a five, too. I have to give it a four. It's a seven on the gazpacho.

Bacho scale. And it's a four on the salsa scale. I think it's a four on the salsa scale, which, which, you know, I'm just going to have to go back and probably not buy this anymore, but that's okay. I really, wow, how insightful. You know that feeling when you've technically learned a language, but then someone actually speaks to you and suddenly your brain just freezes? Yeah, same. Or lo miso and espional. Knowing a few words like I do in Spanish is one thing, but real conversation is a whole different level. That's why Rosetta Stone just launched Rosetta Stone Sapphire. It's a new app that builds on their trusted immersion method,

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Follow and listen to On Par with Maripovich wherever you get your podcasts. Okay. Let's try these guys. That's crazy. That's crazy off a rip. This is, this is Foddy. Foti? Foti, Foti.

We're not sure. I've never seen this. I don't think I've ever seen this brand before. So this is specifically made for people with FodMap. Like, allergens? Do you know what that is? Yeah, it's like basically anyone that gets an upset tummy, right? Yeah, it's for like people with like IBS and CBO and stuff.

The FodMap diet pretty much eliminates things that can, like, irritate your stomach. So things like onions, things like garlic. Oh, yeah. So I'm really curious to know how this tastes because I know a lot of people that are on podcast. Because there's like low acid tomato sauces for people with sensitive, but that's like an acid reflux thing, right? So this is just no onion, no garlic. Taste it. That's pretty good.

Again, very tomato forward. There's kind of a weird bitter aftertaste on it, and I can't tell what it is. I mean, this is basically if you took a paste picante sauce and took out the onions. Yes. Now, there's a bitter tomato flavor. It's almost like tomato seed, tomato skin flavor. Yeah, that doesn't need to be in there. Diced tomatoes, tomato puree.

Maybe it's the tomato puree. Halapeno peppers, cilantro, apple cider, vinegar, sea salt, lime juice, concentrate, cumin. You could be bitterness from a lime juice concentrate? Could be the way that things are just sort of interacting in the jar. I've never heard of this brand before, though. It's really cool that there's a FodMap-friendly brand that's out there. Low Fod Map, bloat-free, and vegan I'll give it a four.

I think this is a little bit tastier than the late July. Do you really? I'd rather have the late July. I'd rather have that nice Casasota. Can we taste it next to the other? Yeah, yeah. Take the lid off of the Foddy, or the foodie, or whatever. It's probably Foddy.

If it's a Fod mat-friendly. Yeah, I think it's foddy. The late July is really nice. It's really nice. Now, do you see why I like it? I really do. There's something astringent. Probably the apple cider vinegar.

Could be apple cider vinegar. Could be something. Late July. Okay, late July is better. Cummine's one of those weird things, man, that we so over indexed on cumin in Mexican-American food. Yeah, I agree. I think a more prevalent flavor is like oregano.

Maybe. Well, I don't... I like oregano in Mexico. The idea of using herbs and spices as like the only way to flavor food is like really strange. As opposed to... Everything else. Like, for instance, like, salsa. What do you mean? Chilies, right?

Like, like, you don't need cumin or oregano in a lot of Mexican sauces. And some of them, they're really fun. Especially, you get, like, a mole that's, like, very sort of hyperspice. But, like, a mole is meant to be, like, a celebratory kind of dish, you know what I mean? It's really cool. But, like, sauces don't, like, need cumin, especially when you're working with, like, chilies that have wonderful, wonderful flavors to them, right? They help.

They help carry the food story, I think. If they're helping. But I'm saying there's instances where I think they can hurt. You know, especially just dropping cumin into like a random jarred salsa. Do you think human hurt any of these four that you've tried so far? Chalula. I think it would have been better without the cumin. A little bit less cumin would be nice.

Let the chili thereupil shine. It's too cumin heavy. It kind of re-cumin to me and a lot of Mexican food almost read cartoonish. I see. You know what I mean? I wouldn't say it's cartoonish. I think it's excessive. I don't think it's cartoonish and excessive.

I would give Fadi a three. Now, what we're trying now, can you read the label? This erda salsa cassera. Which means house salsa. This tastes like a Mexican restaurant salsa. If you put it in a jar and let it all kind of soften together. You know what I mean? Cool.

That's the freshest tomato flavor I've tasted so far. That is a really, really fresh tomato flavor. This is an actual Mexican brand. It's not sweet. No, not at all. This tastes like the salsa that is on the table at older Mexican restaurants in L.A. I really do like it. Like, you ever go like a really, like you go to a place called like, just a spot in North

County, Don Jose that we had. And you have to pronounce it Don Jose. You go to Don Jose's in HB, dude. But like, you know, these like very old adobee Mexican restaurants, kind of like in El Dorito before they rebranded to El Dorito Grill, stuff like that. A lot of their salsa cassero is their house salsa is like, they kind of taste like that. And they taste more like that than any of the American brands that we've had. My gosh, it's just tomatoes, green chili peppers, salt and cilantro.

That's so funny. There's no onion in there? No. Fod mat friendly. Who would have thought? But I feel the same way about people putting garlic in guacamole. I don't always put garlic in... Garlic and black pepper.

I just, to me... Sometimes you don't need it. I don't know. And this isn't like a purism thing. I know there's a lot of people that put a lot of ingredients and things. But to me, man, like, it's really good. I give that, I don't think it's as good as the Chulula. The Cholula one's just like really freaking awesome.

I give Erda as like a 7. Oh my gosh. This is better than Chulula to me. You think so? It's just pure good tomato flavor. I love Erda's, dude. Also the acid in there? How pleasant.

I know. Wow. I'm going to give this a 9. Give it a 9? I'm giving salsa Casera from Erda's a 9. Erda salsa Verda is also the best. Also, I have to clear something up. There's a video of, there's a

Spork video of me saying what I'd spend $10 on at the grocery store. And I say, and a lot of people say, well, Josh, so out of touch, she doesn't know the price of things. One, that thing was shot like five years ago, and groceries have gotten literally 30% more expenses since then. But I said, I said, get a can of edited at the salsa of Air Day for 79 cents. And the graphic they showed, you screwed me, Spork Social Editor, who I'm sure it was RAP fired years ago. But what was your name?

Remember? Redhead. But anyways. But Josh was talking about the can, not the jar. I was talking about the can and then they showed the jar. The jar is like $4.99. Josh is talking about the real cans. They used to be $79.

Pre-inflish, but then post-inflash, they're up to $99 at some grocery stores, a dollar 19 and others. But there's little cans. They sell cans of Air da Salsa Verde. I was thinking about getting cans, but I'm like, no, we got to do glass jars. I love cans of El Pato. If you know, you know, if you shop at $0.00 the duck. If you ever shopped at $0.99 only store, RIP to that. the El Pato sauce, I would always grab a can.

At the food bank, we have a bunch of plastic bags that get donated. It's like, you know, those little things that you take for granted are hard to get. We have thousands of 99 cents only plastic bags. And I'm like, ooh, R-A-P. Great times. I know. I spent so much time and money at 99 cents. Dude, same.

Well, your dad worked there, so. No, my dad worked at an independent 99-sense or not at a 99-0. We shopped a lot at 99-sense only. This whole time I thought your dad was an employee. of 99th Sense Only store. No, he was an employee of right aid. He worked at right aid. That's where he got fired for stealing all the ice cream.

My brother worked at Long's drugs. Remember Longstrums? Oh my God. That's crazy. Okay. This feels it hardly tastes. This feels performative. You want to why?

Because there's two white guys on it. What are their names? The salsa twins. I don't know if you guys are actually white. I don't like this. It's very watery. It's spicy, though. It's spicy, though.

But it's spicy. See, there's a lot of spice but no flavor. Yeah, that's interesting. The spice isn't bad. Oh, are all natural sauces made out of the beautiful, is made on the beautiful state of the iconic El Pinto restaurant in Albuquerque, New Mexico. I am watching Better Calls Al right now. Oh.

The first time ever, great show. I think this is lacking in flavor and acid, but brings the heat. Yeah, I'd give it like a maybe a five, six. I'm going to give it a four and a half. You'd rather have paste than that. almost every single freaking day. Yeah, it's kind of neck and neck for that. It's, um, like, one of those things, like, I bet El Pinto as a restaurant is, like, awesome, you know what I mean?

Sure. I would love to visit the restaurant. Also, it's made with hatch chilies, which is special. I love a hatch chili. But I will say a half chili is best when it's left as a hatch chili, you know what I mean? It's like, the more you can kind of taste it. Once you blend hash chilies into a salsa with a bunch of tomatoes and stuff, you lose it. Then it just gets a little bit lost, but you just take fresh roast.

You have the chili. Chile that Lily's mother-in-law makes. No. Dude, she brought in. They get a hatch chili. Because I think Alex's family is from New Mexico. Uh-huh, uh-huh. And they get like hash chilies once a year, just, you know, free...

From family. Freezer bag and run and sent out. Uh-huh. And her mother-in-law makes just, like, you know, a class of green Chile with, like, you know, some onion and kind of stewed down. Pork? Dude, it's awesome. No. So, like, just, like, the...

The way the term Chile is used, because it refers to the plant. But then you say, like, oh, I've made it, like, a green chili. Uh-huh. And it's like that can either refer to just a sort of like salsa or almost even like a like a paste. Okay. But if you say you made like chili verde for lunch, it's like, oh, that's pork. You know what I mean? Sure.

Different ways to use it. It's just the way culture and language shapes, you know, shapes your life. Next up. La Victoria. Now, La Victoria was what I would always consider the consequent, like the OG Mexican brand salsa was always La Victoria. This to me is the gallon brand. You get this by the gallon. Yes.

You get this by the gal that's smart and final. I'm meeting this at a pool party. Oh, yeah. This is the best, this is better than pace when it comes to a pool party salsa. Is it good? No. It's bad.

Does it taste metallic? It's so bad. Oh, my God, I just got chills. We were eating at first a kid. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. My body just shook violently. Got the pace.

Got the pace. My body just shook violently. This tastes so much more like a jarred pasta sauce than it does is salsa. Ah! That's so funny, dude. It does taste like pool party, though. This is crazy.

This is 80% tomatoes. And then, okay, the ingredients on this? I've never seen anything like this. Number one, tomatoes. Oh, the ingredients in the tomatoes are tomatoes, tomato juice, citric acid. And then tomato puree, which is tomato paste in water. Santa Fe peppers, whatever that is. Random.

Vinegar, garlic. Like, yeah, there's so little ingredients, a few ingredients in there. Why is it called Suprema Salsa if there's nothing Suprema about it? That's a two, man. That's a one. It's funny how much better the paces. I would say that La Victoria is good for like, what's it called? It's not pool parties.

What is it? Frat houses. Yeah, you get a gallon of that. La Victoria is... You need something to chase your Zins with, like get a lot of Victoria. Could you imagine being in college when Zins were? popular. I wouldn't, I lived with, I lived with so many Scandinavian people.

Oh, and they had them? They were just dipping constantly, not Zins, but like proper tobacco dips. And I tried it once and I just felt so sick. Like, spiritually and physically. I was like, how are you doing this, dude? Now we're trying Mateo's gourmet salsa. Logan, this is your brand? Yes.

Mateos. Let's see. I love Mateo's. I do love the texture of this. Tomatoes, water, jalapeno, cilantro, red wine vinegar. Okay. I mean, pretty much all the traditional ingredients, but this does look texture really nice.

It's so upsetting. I was waiting for your response. Logan, that's awful. It's awful. I'm so sorry. I love it. The texture of it. It's brusquetta.

Mexican brusketa. Mexican. There's something gravelly about the texture. I don't know how they've gotten tomatoes to be that hard within a liquid. It's almost like you ever go to Sonic and you get, they put the nerds in the slush and you're kind of crunching through nerd?

No, because I love myself. Do you have anything nice to say about it, maybe? I did love, I love the way it looked. Okay. But the way it tastes, I've had, listen, the Mateo's red jar, that's good. This is not very good. It's like Mexican brusquetta,

and it's bad Mexican brusketa, and I never want to eat it again, but for the sake of this podcast, I'll eat it again. A nice thing to say. I seeing the jar knowing how you felt about it. I was excited. Ew. Okay.

Yeah. I felt genuine excitement on a human level. Until I ate it. Put it away. Put it away. That's a zero. Oh, my God. No, I put a three.

I have this above La Victoria. No, I think La Victoria and Mateo's are the... LaVick is tough for me right now. They're both a one. Okay, now we're trying Tostitos. The most classic. My thoughts, Tostitos are the salsa. So when I think about like a jarred salsa to dip chips, and I know I've said various things about all these, but this is sort of the quintessence, right?

I think Pace, I don't know if I had the timeline right here. Pace Picante sauce is a little bit thinner than the Pace Chunky salsa. I think Pace had to make a chunky salsa to compete with Tositas. Tastes like sugar. Tase like sugar. That's just, it's so sweet. It's so sweet. It's just sugar, sugar, sugar.

It is very chunky. It's for the American palate, I'll say that. This and, but the piece is, is more balanced than this. I agree, but Americans like sugar. And listen, man, this isn't, also this isn't next to the sauces. Where is this located? This is next to the Cheetos puffs and the Checks mixes. You're not getting this next to the rest of these guys.

This is literally, they paid specifically for the space to be next to the other chips, not just the tortilla chips, the other chips. Like I said, the Cheetos and the Checks mixes. So they know that your palate, you like things that are deceptive. acceptively sweet. You like things that are a little bit, like, almost too umami, that your mouth taste bad, that you need to eat more. Very, very smart, the people of Tostitos. I think this is delicious. Again, I'm going in for more because I want to, not because I feel bad. Yeah, it's... But it's such a lateral move from pace. I don't know that I could differentiate. Can I have the pace? Is this our North Star?

Kind of. I mean, we rated it a five, but I'm curious that these tastes any different. I think the Tocitos is sweeter than the pace. Yeah, dude. They're so close, though. No. No, you're right. There's a cloying. It's cloying, but it's good for the American palate because they like cloying.

I give it like a 4.9 just because it's a little bit. You have it above the pace? Yes, absolutely. It tastes better. The f*** out of here. No, you get the f*** out of here. Okay. Okay, wait, here.

Open this because I need to talk about the ethnic food aisle. And some places still call it the ethnic food aisle. Some places call the international food aisle. That's better. Some places call it, some people just say Asian and Mexican. And you could try and parse through why they've labeled what the way they have. But I will say there's an entire section just in my local Ralphs that says raisins instead of dried fruit. And I think that's weird because it's where all the dried fruit is and it just says raisins.

But anyways, it's really interesting like Nicole is talking about, the toacitos, that is below the chips. And the toacitos also have queso and they have like, ranch dip in a... The bean dip? The bean dip. Honey. The bean dip. But it's so interesting when you go to the condiment aisle and see what sauces and hot sauces they have versus going to the international aisle in seeing what Mexican salsa.

And it's like you don't know where to go. It's night and day. Even at my local Ralph, there's a, it's the Jewish Ralphs is what people call it. There's a huge kosher section. Yeah. But there'll be a lot of like Middle Eastern ingredients. Yeah. And I'm like, okay, the bad tahini is in this section.

And the good tahini, you have to go to the other part of the store. Right. They have pomegranate juice from concentrate at that section, but pomegranate molasses in that section. Right. And so it's kind of funny in the way that, like, you know, America is becoming even more and more of like an international conglomerate. You know, salsa sales, surpass ketchup sales, becoming America's top condiment in 1992 for the first time. It's incredible. It's been, like, teetering in the top five behind, like, mayonnaise and ketchup, things like that.

Yeah, yeah. Salsa's a big deal. Salsa's a huge deal. Taste that. Also, you eat such large quantities. I have to interrupt. real quick. What's up?

So I texted Jordan Myrick that you guys hated Mateos because Jordan Myrick loves Mateos got me on to it. This was their response.

It's just that and it says that's for Josh. Yeah, Jordan is, just for the audio-only listeners, Jordan is flipping off, I believe flipping off me in front of a Mateo's salsa.

Is it the same one? It's the same one. Oh. But also, Moore just looks like Jordan is flipping off the salsa sort of channeling me.

It's going to be a but Jordan message received Latin clear. It's not that you're wrong. It's not that we're wrong. It's that there's just so many different. De Gustabos nonest disputandum, Jordan. Does that mean nothing to you? So that's Latin for whatever floats your boat, honey. It's true.

On the border, hate the name. Kelflotis boatis, Brutee. I hate the name. The flavor's pretty good. I think I'll give it a seven. Really? It has a cumin. It has sugar.

It has a strong tomato flavor, has spice. It's tastes Middle Eastern. The cumin. And what's wrong with that? There's nothing wrong. No, there's nothing wrong. It's on the border, Josh. There's nothing on the border of Syria and Lebanon.

That was a good one. Thank you. You make me laugh. I'd give this a three. I'd just, this to me is, I think they have made. It tastes like macula. A little bit. They've taken the wonderful, like, sugary, acidic, salty, paste and Tostitos format.

Can you eat it with a chip? Just have an open mind. And then they've kind of... I do have an open mind. Opener! I have such an open mind. More opened. Okay.

Just eat it. I'm trying to get the chunks. You don't like it with the chip? It tastes better with the chip. To be clear, if I had just an open jar of these and a bowl of chips, nothing would stop me from draining any of them. Or a rotisserie chicken. Actually, yeah, a rotissory chicken.

Okay. Next up, these are Josh. Josh literally was like, oh, you're holding the, okay. Well, so this is, this is Casa Martinez, which is my favorite shelf stable jarged salsa brand. Mm-hmm. And then this is their salsa kemada, which is like... Which means roasted? Yeah, yeah.

Which is like... Right, means roasted? Well, I know it from leche kemada, which means, like, burnt. It doesn't mean smoke, though, right? It means like, like, charred. I know kemada is burnt. I'm sorry. That texture is really weird.

Yeah, this is thicker than I remember. Oh, my God, is there a xantham gum in there? Oh, my God, why does it have that... Oh, my God, it has like a pool. I don't like it. It has like a weird, like a... Is this right? Like gelatinous pool.

Oh, Josh. It has like a weird gelatinous, like a pooling to it. It tastes good. I mean, the taste is very nice, but the textures, something's going on. Yeah, it's just straight cornstarch. Oh, no. Casa Martinez. That's a bad showy.

That's a bad showing for. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, no, I love them. Because this is the one that I actually get. This is their Chipotle salsa. Josh asked me to get their Cholay Salsa. I'm sorry, I hate disappointing people. You didn't disappoint anyone. Especially after I crapped on Jordan Myr's salsa.

This is not your day today. This is their Chipotle salsa. Now, I don't think it's fair necessarily to put Chipotle salsa against these, like, salsa rojas. It does taste good. It tastes fine. It's kind of boring. Dude, did they, like, add corn starch to their sauces recently?

Josh, I'm so sorry. Your favorite is bad. Not to say that mine is any better because mine tastes like. a spacho. Yeah. Maybe there's like, maybe we've learned that your choice of salsa. It's really personal. It comes down to nostalgia.

It comes down to personal preference because I love this. I think it's the best-tasting thing in the world. Really? Yeah, yeah. I think you're lying. I swear to got they added cornstarts. I think you might be a Pace man. And you know what?

There's nothing wrong with that. I ain't like those shitty slickers that come into Texas. I eat real salsa like Pace Pekonte sauce. There's nothing wrong with liking Pace Pekante sauce. sauce or paste salsa. It's just white people taco night. And you know what?

There's nothing wrong with that. White people taco night serves its purpose and so does paste salsa. But ultimately, I think our winner in terms of the highest aggregate, I think it was a tie

between Erdes and Chalula, but I'm willing to give the nod to Erdes for being the most classic salsa. Air Dez, your salsa cassera is wonderful. Erdez, you do wonderful work, big fan.

I'm going to crown it with a chip. All right, Nicole, I've heard of you and say, Now it's time to find out of whether you're actually out there in your central a segment we call opinions are like casseroles. Josh, be serious. We're not wearing headphones. That's on account of the fact that we can't get the headphones to work.

That's okay. Also, to address Nicole's accusation of me not taking the little jingle seriously, we started this podcast, what, six years ago? Yeah, you should still be enthusiastic and still feeling the same way you did with the first, second, third, fourth, fifth episode. It's about the fact that media has changed. We now know that you don't need to tell people. constantly what you're going to do

before you do it, you just do it. That's actually like a huge thing that has changed in media. You know what I mean? Or it's the opposite where you have to tell people Hey, there's about to be a trailer for a movie. Please don't leave. Please stay and watch the trailers. There's little trailers for the trailers. But I think in terms of a lot of the videos that we do now, they used to be the idea of like you have to explain everything. And now you've learned that like I think you lose people when you explain it. So now I think people can get the context clues. Have we lost to? Have we? We lost.

Statistically, we've had over a 50% churn rate in the last three years. Aw, is that good or bad? He's had churn rate like it's bad. Let's get to that first. I'm serious. I don't know if it's good about it. Your water.

My name's Phillip. I'm from L.A. I cannot sleep right now. And I just, I was thinking, any savory dish is made a hundred times better with the addition of garlic and or onion.

I can't think of a single one that would not be better off with either of those included. Love the show. I can't stop listening to it. Oh, love y'all. Peace. I love you too, man. Thanks for listening. You need to pop three melatonins

and go nigh-nigh, though. I like his gravely voice. I want to see him do like a sort of alt-rock acoustic set. You should take a bath with lavender oil. I think you should sing an acoustic version of Black Hole Sun. Black O'S Sun. R. IP, Chris Cornell. Love you.

I've been to his grave. Why? Just moseying about. No, he's buried at Hollywood forever. Oh, okay. I was watching Empire Records there. Some people like to, you know, go on walks in graveyards. I've never been that person.

Oh, I cannot even imagine doing that for fun. Oh, it's so far. The spirits overwhelm me too much. No, I love it. I feel very at peace. Let me tell you. I think I have like a weird, you're not going to believe me. I have like a weird connection to like the dead so much so that like I stay away from like the concept of it.

Hardcore. Oh. Yeah. Well. Okay. Biscuits and gravy. I would love onions with biscuits and gravy. Garlic?

Do you say garlic and or garlic or? I think alum in general. Onions and white gravy? Yum. Onion is white gravy. Yeah. Garlic no. It could like a little bit would it kill you.

There's stuff that too much onion really hurt. Ooh, I think, well, so onions and tomato in a pasta sauce. Well, if they're not cooked right or well, yes. But even just like, I don't think onions add anything. Garlic certainly does, though. I like onions and tomato sauce. But this is a very Italian thing to not add garlic and onions in the same dish. A lot of Italian dishes, they say garlic or onions.

Is that so? That's not to paint with too broad of a brush, but that's a lot of Italian chefs that I've heard. Oh. Whereas in America, we're like garlic and onions constantly, and I think there's certainly a wonderful combo. Now, if you are sensitive to bloating, if you have SIBO or IBS, you don't eat those things. Like the Fod Map salsa we had. What dishes would be, like, made abjectly worse by adding garlic and onions? I am on the same boat as our friend Philip here.

I have no idea. I can't even think of a single dish where onions and garlic. garlic would not make it taste better. Yeah, Julia was out of town, and so I did the little hyperfixation thing, where we had a leftover, where I'd cook the same meal like six days in a row. Oh, yeah, you'd do that. In an effort of trying to perfect it, but we had a loaf of rye bread left over. So I said, yeah, we're making patty melts every day.

Yum. Grounded my own beef to that whole thing. And at first I was like, I want to do like a caramelized onion, but make like a caramelized onion mushroom kind of marmalade, kind of make it deep and savory or whatever. I thought about adding garlic, and I was like, no. Garlic is, I think, going to take away from the headiness of the mushrooms. Exactly. Yeah, it's going to add a wonderful garlic flavor, but I'm chasing mushroom umami right here.

That's fine. You know? Yeah. And so, like, there's ways to use your judgment. But also, yeah, I think the American way to cook, too, is very just like chug garlic and a lot of things. But I will say this. They did emphasize savory dish, and I think the caramelized onion mushroom concoction you're making has a sweet note to it. Sure, but also like

But I would consider it to be a sweet, savory condiment almost. I want to think of a food where if you add either garlic or onions, it would make it objectively worse. What are foods? Omlet. Omlet. The burritos. So good. Yeah, well, onions are wonderful.

Curry needs it. Yeah, yeah. Currie. Well, yeah. Asafidita, whatever. Yeah, yeah. Oh, like an orange chicken. onions and garlic and orange chicken.

Yum. It's also pretty sweet. Yum. Like, I'm almost trying to, like, make Filipino garlic rice. It's hard. You know? It's wonderful. But, like, yeah, I think I'm, like, really, like, chicken, onion-eat chicken adobe with

garlic rice? Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Sometimes I just, I don't sit on the couch and eat, ever. There is something about sitting cross-legged eating chicken adobe with your hands, like, and just, like, gnawing on it with like the soft up rice that like no chicken ad doble is the one

food I eat on the couch It's bizarre That's not a good couch food You know? No, it is Spiritually it's a good couch food No no it is Technically, mechanically it's not

No that's not true And I do bone and chicken Okay It's just not like a piece of pizza That's easy to eat on the couch You know what I mean? I hate eating on my couch But the one food I will eat is chicken adobe on my couch

I can't think of anything I've racked my brain And I feel like there's got to be. Congratulations. You're right. Go to bed now. Spinaicopoeita. No, garlic's big.

One more. One more. One more. Please, please. Hey, Josh and Nicole. So my wife has the opinion that spoons are completely useless because when you can't eat with a fork, you can just drink. Well, no. Yeah.

No. No. I'm not. that if that is the logic we want to go by, then we don't need utensils at all because what you can't drink, you can just eat with your hand. It'll be messy, but you can do it.

Why isn't your wife calling? She doesn't like us. What? She didn't like us. Even if you can eat them with a fork. And I want to hear what your opinion is on this. Yeah. Fascinating. One, I feel like I love you and your wife's dynamic.

Nicole and I were just talking about influencer drama, and I was talking about how me and Julia, we don't talk about any of that because she has no idea what's going on. She just wants to paint and teach our cats how to do tricks, and I love that for her. And then we have stupid discussions like this. This is not stupid. Any argument whose crux lands on forks have more utility than spoons, I simply can't abide by. So I fully am on your side. I fully disagree with your wife. I love the thought process that she's coming at this with, though, of anything you could spoon, you could just drink. And then you kind of flipping that logic and saying, well, anything you could fork, you could just eat with your hands.

But who wants to do that all the time? I agree entirely. So certain, I guess what would the utility of a spoon be? Something like rice, right? Something like rice is that you can't just drink. And you could say, well, you could eat rice with a fork. You could eat rice with chopsticks. What about something like Persian rice?

Impossible to eat with chopsticks. Fork, you can do it. It's not as good. You can still get it. Faults through the tines. Yeah, but not like that much. No, not that much. But like I would rather use a spoon for that.

I think the Filipino method of using the backside of a fork to scoop onto your spoon... That's the Filipino thing? I believe so. Filipino sound off in the comments. But the old fork, using the fork exclusively to get food onto the spoon, I think that rules. But I have long been a proponent.

of chopsticks and spoon combo but I do want to see how far you could get with just hands and drinking because I think you could get very far I think you get far too

I just don't want to wash my hands all the time I'm not a big hand washer Do you not have to wash your hands after every meal you eat? What? What did you ask? Do you not have to wash your hands after every meal you eat?

Not all the time, no. Sometimes I just do this. No way. Wait, look, you eat a meal. You're washing your hands after, right? No. Why? I just use a napkin.

Yeah. A wet nap. There's not a single... Unless it's a smoothie that I've drank, which one point for drinking. But there's not a single meal that I've eaten in maybe my life. Uh-huh. Where I haven't fully washed my hands afterwards.

Not for cleanliness. You know me. I play a loose. For textures? I'm loose, man. Is it the textures on your? No, I'm fucking filings. filthy. I'm covered. Because you

use your hands. Yeah, that's how I eat food, man. I'm up to my wrist and juice. Not everyone is wrist deep in juice like you are. That's a you thing. What, uh, I'm thinking like dinner tonight.

Meatballs. It is, yeah, yeah, yeah. Meatballs cooked in the kind of ramescoly thing. And then I made it kind of like carotty rice. I just had a bunch of carrots and bell peppers to get rid of. So kind of like spiced turmeric carrot rice. Okay. And then some steamed broccoli. And I'm thinking like this is all fork and fork and spoon food, you know, you have wet sauce and a kind of loose rice. Surely Josh isn't going to be covered up to his wrist and juice, but I am because

I have steamed broccoli florets. You said you were raised Montessori-ish? Yeah. But I was also just more so than that. I was raised by like a schizophrenic mom with no rules. And I had to figure out society by myself. Because you like to touch your food after you eat it. I love touching the, yeah, yeah. And I'm wondering if that's related to baby lead weaning that your mom probably did with you because of Montessori, because that's like a part of it. And you used to like touch your food after eating and she would just leave it and you would just touch it all the time. Maybe it was that I was starved for human touch.

And so all I have is the touch of food. I'm not trying to psychoanalyze you. It's just, again, everything I see is through the lens of being a mom now, right? So right now I'm feeding Eve solids and I put food out for her and I let her absolutely touch it all over. over and rub it on her face and get familiar with it. No, that's how I've always been, yeah. Okay, so I'm thinking there's maybe a correlation between you eating and then finishing your meal by putting your fingers all over it.

I think so. Probably because that's maybe what you did when you were a kid. Maybe? Because I'm getting those broccoli florets and I'm touching with my hands. And you're squeezing them. I'm squeezing them. I'm dipping them into stuff. I'm eating them.

I'm sucking them of my fingers. Yes, yes, yes. I wouldn't be surprised if there's some sort of correlation with you having that background and you right now being filled the effort. You know I'd like to explore. And maybe there's a sort of Andy Warhol type video we can do on this where we just show it up close in my face. But just eating a whole bowl of spaghetti with my hands. That's not that weird.

You know? Yeah. There's nothing wrong with that. You know? I'd like to do that because that's how people used to eat pasta. Spaghetti is a hand food. It can be a hand food. You ever had pastaina?

Yeah. Postina with your hands? Yum. Sounds wonderful. It's like Palentat. It's like Palantia. Biryani with your hands? Of course.

And you just squish it up. Dude, are you kidding me? I literally, whenever I feed Eve, I just put it in my hand and I just put it out like this. Like, you know how you use your thumb to push it up? Oh my God, yeah. I do the same thing with her. I just go blimp-up. I love it.

To me, that is the best way to eat food, you know? Yeah, yeah. And so many, you know, anyways, you're right. Your wife's wrong. You got to get a divorce now. Sorry. Have fun on the apps. I've heard their nightmares now.

I don't think everything needs to end in divorce. I think you and your wife can have different opposing opinions and still. share a beautiful life together. I think you can as well. On that note, thank you so much for stopping by a hot dog as a sandwich. We got new episodes out every Wednesday on our YouTube channel. We have our own YouTube channel. I'm back.

Have you subscribed to it? You should if you have nothing else going on. Subscribe Nicole, give you a dollar. Well, she'll give you a rebate. She'll send you a coupon for a rebate. This is not Nathan for you. Or up to a dollar. This is not Nathan for you.

That's the one where he talks about drinking is a screen. Yeah, a great episode. but we will not be, I will not be doing any sort of rebate service. I don't do rebates. What am I, T-Mobile? Oh, and if you want to be featured in opinions, I had cast rolls, hit us up at 833 Dog Pod 1. Can we talk about T-Mobile's glow-up?

What are you talking about? They used to be like the sort of like, you know, like they were the Johnson and Johnson vaccine of cellular service. And I've been a T-Mobile kid my whole life. I've been a T-Mobile kid forever. Now it's Sprint, right? Is it Sprint now? What is my phone carrier?

I might still T-Mobile, but I don't know. T-Mobile. I'm now proud. I don't feel strongly about having any sort of carrier. Yeah, I don't know. It used to be kind of embarrassing now. My dad had SBC Global. I don't know what that is.

Exactly. It's like, you're a cricket. You ever see the Boost Mobile guys under the tent? Yeah, Boost Mobile, Cricket, SBC Global. Oh, they were the same. It was all the same. They were the check cap, the brick-and-mortar check-caching place of cellular service. Well, if you all,

want to see more of us. You also go to the Mythical Kitchen channel where we do plenty of other styles of videos. See y'all next time. Bye.