A Lot On Your Plate - A Stranger Pays Me To Insult Him

Episode Date: September 1, 2026

This week we're catching up on everything from Zoe's wholesome day out with the pigs and our latest Glasgow food finds to productivity hacks, heatless curls and the things we're doing to feel like we���ve got our lives together.We also hear some of the worst excuses you've ever gave or been given to get out of something.Then we get into one of the wildest listener stories we've had in a while... an accidental pay pig who sends her money in exchange for being insulted, and now helps fund date nights with her actual boyfriend 👀Got a story or dilemma you'd like to share? Pop us a DM on socials or email [e-mail]!And remember you can sign up to Patreon for extra episodes every week plus bonus vlog-style content, competitions, group chat, early access to tickets and looooads more! See you there piggies 💖 patreon.com/ALotOnYourPlate Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Happy Tuesday, Podpinks. How are we all? Happy Tuesday, guys. We hope we have had a lovely week since we last spoke to you, whether that was on Tuesday or Friday. Have you all been? Tell us. Tell us everything. Scream it. So on today's app, we have a wee catch-up.

A wee catch-up. We've got some emails to read with you all from some of you lovely listeners. We have the best excuses you have ever. heard or said and we'll finish my way dilemma I think yeah yeah let's do that why not that's what I can do it why what you've been up to then feel like you're gonna fucking hell not here there and everywhere right let me get my list up by the way is this the right right word contrary to last week yes I went to snout about love it tell us everything we thought it wasn't going to be possible and after we recorded I thought I'm going to

metered them and just check because why not? You don't ask you don't get and they said can you come next Monday and I said I'll be there with bells on and there I was yesterday. Up in Dundee up in Dundee an hour and a half away and something to note by the way is it's an adult only experience crazy that by the way

kids can't go but I like it but yeah I know and I totally understand why because it's just I know a pig's big in terms of like stodginess right But kids could, like, jump on them and all that. Yeah, also, they might buy. If kids are like oysters, yeah.

And then they're liable for, like, too much. No, I know, but honestly, it was 10 out of ten experience. I loved every second. And the owner brought her sausage dog. Stop. Who was just running around with pigs. Oh. So there was four big pigs, and then there was four piglets.

Cute. It was amazing. So what did you do? I just walk with them. Yeah. So you get there. And then she takes you down in a wee, like, truck thing. And she lets the big pigs out, and then you just literally walk, like, around this wee trail with them, and they follow you and you feed them carrots every so often.

And, you know, one of the big pigs actually sits for a carrot the way a dog does. You know, they're very very intelligent. Very intelligent. I think that's why I like them. Yes. It's like we're similar. It's crazy, actually, that... Don't they say that they're...

No, they're also the cleaners? ...and dolphins are as clans. to humans? In terms of intelligence? Not sure, but they're definitely... Or is it dolphins that have sex for pleasure? Something like that? Wow, rather than just to...

Reproduce. The thing about pigs, the main thing about pigs is that they're really clean. Yeah. Even though people don't think that. It was the roll around their own shit. Yeah, but on that note, there was not a single smell there. Yeah, they looked super clean and fluffy.

But there was not a single smell. And it wasn't until after I said to, Jason, I've just realized like there was no smells whatsoever. Yeah. So, yeah, we walked around a wee sort of look with the big pigs and fed them loads of carrots and they just

follow you about and like run after and stuff. It was so cute. There was two big ones and two teenagers. Teenagers! And one of them like... Pod pigs! One of them went the wrong way as they were coming out of a kind of like fence

to start the walk with and you could just hear it like crying for ages and the woman was like it will come. Like just ignore it, it will come. And eventually it just appeared out nowhere and they just like find you. It's so cute. So she let us like go about with them for a while and just like touch them and feed them and whatever.

And then she kind of put them away because they don't interact with the piglets like in this setting. I think they may be doing back at the farm though. And then we went into like a wee smaller bit with the piglets and fed them some carrots and stuff as well. So sweet. They were so cute. And then you also get like a wee tea and candy.

Oh wow. Not ham sandwiches. Not ham sandwiches. And what I will tell you is I had ham the night before for my dinner. I knew as soon as I was eating it that I was going to feel terrible the next day and I think I'll never eat ham again. Sausages? No.

You're not eating my sausage pasta or I meet you? No. That's a big fat lie. You're chatting sausages instead? No. It's not as tasty. I mean, if I cook your sausage pasta, you're not going to eat it because it's sausage. That's what I mean.

Richmans, they're good. They are great. They actually are good. So I will use them moving forward. Yeah. If it's in my control, I won't eat. If it's not, I won't be against because I'm not a vegan. No. But I'll just be more aware. Be more mindful. Yeah.

But you never used to eat. Well, you did. You were like, I don't eat pigs. I eat, I eat sausages or eat bacon. I've never had bacon though. But I don't like bacon. No. I wouldn't solely say it's for the pigs. It's because I don't like it. But yeah, it was so cute. I loved it and the wee sausage dog, Rita. That's a cute name. She was just kicking about and I kept worrying like where's the dog?

And the woman was like she is literally just exploring like she'll come back and I thought I just can't get used to that. Was it quite a big farm? It was big but she obviously gives them a lot of space to roam but at some point there'll be like you could see fensis and stuff but it wasn't like really enclosed. Yeah. But they don't stay there. They stay at like her farm, just up the road with her where she lives. But this is like an additional business she made purely for that reason. So when you go there, it's only the pigs that are there. Yeah.

It's not like part of a farm, if you know what I mean? But honestly, it was amazing. Couldn't recommend it more. And he had such a nice weather for it as well. Amazing weather. Some was splitting the sky. And then what did you do after? And then we were actually going to go into Dundee, but we just didn't really know where to go.

Yeah. And then I was looking, you know, and just nothing's really tickling your fancy. And I thought, why do, I really wanted to try a chicken coop at Glen Eagles. And it finishes now, I think. Yeah, it does, yeah. So I phoned on the way there, so we knew if it was an option or not. And it was still on. And that meant that we were driving, like, halfway back.

Yeah. For lunch, and then you only had halfway to go, because we didn't want to get stuck in, like, the traffic. Yeah. So we went there. And it was lovely. I think the food's okay. Yeah.

It's just chicken and chips. Nice enough. But then we, because it was really nice weather, we went and got an ice cream and then, like, had a wee walk around the grounds and went to see the horses and the dogs and that. That's nice. It was a lovely day. Yeah.

Very wholesome, animal-filled day. Gorgeous. Which is what I like. Yes. But yeah, couldn't recommend snout about enough, honestly. Just loved it. A bit. After that, I thought, would I like to the farm?

You get a bit carried away, don't you? Yeah. I'd love this life. And then I was like... A lot of work. I do feel like it would be a lot of work. People that I used to go school with that had horses and they'd have to get up before school

and go and look out the horses and that. And brush them and all that. I know. We dad gives the pigs a wee brush and then they fall asleep. Aw. They roll, honestly, they're so, like, dogs, they just roll onto their sides

and they want a belly wrap. And then they appear snoring that. And then I also watch Marry Supreme at the weekend. Thoughts. Really liked it? Yeah. Didn't have any questions.

Not at the end. It went confused. No. I think you just. just like... There's no way you didn't look at each other and be like, wow, is that it? I don't do that at all.

What, Zoe? I think it's so clear what happened. You're not shocked by that ended abruptly like that. But maybe it's because I knew, because you'd said. Maybe. But I think... Obviously, I wasn't like, that shit, but I was a bit like, wait,

but then it completely changed the whole entire film for me that. Because I was waiting for him to make it. But I think he did. All he wanted to do was, win. Exactly. But you didn't realise that at that point though until the very end. You didn't realise that you weren't going to go and see him become really famous. Yeah, exactly

but I think it was really... Sorry, spoiler alert. Yeah, no, skip this if you've not watched yet. But I think that ending made that clear to me. Exactly. That's what I meant when I said last week like it was, it kind of changed the whole thing and it was more about his character. Yeah. Whereas, yeah, if it didn't end,

Say it ended just after like the kind of fake tournament that he did win at you would have been like all right now what? Whereas I think it was very clear that he just needed to win to believe he made it to then like

just to prove a normal life basically after that. Yeah but did he? You don't know. But a lot of films like that end exactly like that. Yeah. It's quite a typical ending

to quite a chaotic character film I think. It makes you think about I know you don't like thinking about things afterwards but it's meant to make you kind of rewrite your own the next stage in your own head of you kind of believe what you want to believe like did he then go and make it

or did he go back and become a really good dad to that woman and just he was satisfied with his ego sort of was rubbed and... I think all of those films like that, those sort of characters finish like that because it's very much like that's what matters. Yeah. That's kind of my bag lot from it.

Yeah. But he's so. Watch that, quite enjoyed it. Quite like him as an actor. Yeah, it was good, isn't it? I like her in Wonka as well. I kind of have a wee urge to watch that this week. Yeah, I watched that. I've quite enjoyed that as well.

I like the songs. Yeah. Chuckled it. And there's chuckled it. I watched, uh, voicemails with Isabel. You watched it as well. Yeah, I've watched that. Watch it with my mum.

My mum came up this weekend and it was, it was so good. Really good. It was, I think it was the ending that got me. Yeah, same. I feel like halfway through. I maybe had a wee, like, teary eye, but not, not enough for it to stroll down the cheek. Yeah.

But at the end, that was quite... Yeah, I was really kind of... Quite sniffily. Under my pillow, like... But I really enjoyed that. I thought the acting was phenomenal. Both of them. The main woman was incredible acting.

And so was he. He was gorge. Yeah, I don't know who he is, though. I haven't got a clue. But he's handsome. Can't really picture him right now. We both can't think what she's in, though. We'll need to look it up,

because I've definitely seen her in something before. Yeah. But yeah, what else did I get up to? I went to the baras actually. Yeah. And had steak frets. And we also got a slice of pizza from Anxious Peets. And we had a wee wonder.

And then I got a tiramisu banana pudding from the crumbologist. Yes. Cromologist. Yeah. Cromologist. Crombologist. Yeah. Which you didn't have the crumble though. No.

You had the pudding. The banana pudding. into that cart. Yeah. Is it them that does it both though? Yeah. Right, okay. And it was really good.

I really enjoyed that, but a massive portion. Yeah. I had like five spoons and I was sick of it. But it was really good. And that was a nice wee day out and then Jason picked up

he's a groomsman in a couple of weeks. Oh yeah. Slaters. What a big place that has been in there. It's fucking huge. It's an actual maze in that place. I just didn't realize it was that large.

And you have to go up to like the fifth floor to go on waiting. There's so many people wait. to pick up suits. And like the water you try it all on and all that to make sure it was all right.

You know there's a little workshop through the, do you look through the glass and there's actually women on sewing machines and that. Really good service those is what I would say was actually.

Oh yeah definitely it's amazing. Yeah, it was quite enjoyable experience actually. I think it's actually incredible to have a place like that it is quite old school

inside to still be running so efficiently and like successfully in this day and age of retail I think it's amazing. When you could just order a suit online really. But it just shows you that that's why

because it wouldn't because it wouldn't fit you right because everyone's so different like leg sizes and width and all that because I'd said to them did you have to tighten it at the back Jason's got a wee pancake bum

and the guy was poor laugh and then I think I said something else was like me out in him and he was like fucks he I'm glad they brought you she put a banner you know what I mean keep my light and fluffy in here his confidence is sky high being a groomsman

he doesn't lack confidence we know that No, he doesn't. Also, do you know what else I've seen? Did you see that Look Fantastic's on Delavreau in Glasgow? What? Correct. You heard me.

That's the very bizarre thing I've ever heard. You heard me. But where's the store? I don't know. I don't know. Is it just like a warehouse and they're just taking it from that? Is it like a warehouse up here? Yeah, there's no store.

It must be a warehouse, but you can order from Look Fantastic in Glasgow City Centre. And it can arrive to your house in a house. matter of minutes. Mm-hmm. Is that we show up? Honestly. Honestly. I saw someone post about it and I screenshots

with it to remind me to sit on here. And then I checked last night. We can't get it to like our houses but I checked from this address. And there it is. You get medicaid pads. The Way, NAR's radiant concealer,

solidusianero bum bum, Jet Set, Beauty of Hosen, revive eye, see. Everything is on there. Fragrance, body, skin, cosmetics, hair and it says it would be in here in 15 to 30 minutes. Shut!

The fucking front door, Zoe! That's kind of cool, I think. That's really cool. Isn't it? So there you go, if you live... Let's say you're like half tanning and the pump of your moose is sort of broke or you're just running out and you're like,

I haven't got enough to do this on the leg. Get yourself. on the app. Get yourself wanting to deliver it. That's brilliant. Fantastic. I thought that was a good bit of information to share. Wow.

I know. Speaking of apps, by the way, because my mum came up this weekend, we went to the Barra's as well. Did she enjoy it? Yes, she did. I said, I'm going to show you some true Glasgow. And she's obviously been because of bad

to come to our show. That's right. She's been to the area. But who's the guy that sells the pies? alright welcome the class I got two he pays I passed she loved to be like whoa

and I was like yeah mum it's just iconic so we walk around the market to try to get some nice little bits from my house but couldn't really find anything but she enjoyed it it was a good experience we went to

chromologist because when Zoe sent me the picture I was like I really wanted to go last time I went but it was all sold out I got there at half ten in the morning so we're one of the first people there wasn't really up for having it

at that time but when I got there there was no queues anywhere except that place. What? So I got in the queue and the guy bless him, he was just stepping in for someone. He's like, I've never really worked on this store before, but I can't believe I've sold 10 portions in like 20 minutes. Oh my God.

I was like, do you only have those four trays? So it was like a tiramisu, the original banana pudding. And then I think like a raspberry, two of the flavors. He was like, yeah, we only have like four trays. I was like, that's crazy. Because the tiramisu one, or no, the banana one was half gone. Or bonofy it was, bonofy. Yeah, that's right.

So anyway, I was like, right, I'm going to have to get some then. So I got it. So I didn't love it. Did you not? No, but I didn't get Tiri and Missou, I got Bonofi. Right, okay. Because that was the one that everyone had. And I did think to myself, I don't really know what I was expecting.

It kind of is what it says on the tin. Yeah. But I don't know if it is worth the crazy hype. I really love the banana pudding from Magnolia Bakery in New York, which is trying to copy. That for me is like the best. Yeah. I wondered if Benofi's too.

similar to just being banana. Maybe. Do you know what I mean? I don't know. I just didn't, and I love banana-flavored things. I know, but you think it just needed

like another flavor that wasn't just... Maybe or a different texture. Yeah. My mom tried it. My mom's brutal, by the way. I just couldn't, I just can't with that woman.

And she tried it and she went, what did she say? Oh, it's like baby food. And I was that for a fuck. But it is kind of that texture. And you like that, don't you? Yeah, I don't mind that. But I get what she's saying.

Yeah. But I think the pyramisu I think you would maybe like the terram... Don't get me wrong, I couldn't have eaten the full tub. Yeah. But I still ate a good few spoons. Yeah, I wasn't like reposed by it at all. Yeah, but you just weren't, I just wasn't like,

I always wasn't like, wow, and I first ate it. Yeah. I think the tiramisu one would maybe be a bit nicer for you because it's like a kick of coffee flavor. Yeah. So there's quite a contrast between the banana and the coffee where it's bonofi, it's banana and toffee. So sorry, it's like double banana.

True. Do you what I mean? Anyway, we then... We then wanted to go for something to eat. So then we actually were going to go to club pottery. Remember last week I said, I really want to make some plates. So I said to my mom, let's do something really cute together. I was looking at going to craft pottery to actually make pottery.

But there was only one space left in the workshop. My mom was getting the train afterwards as well, so she didn't want to have people like pure dirty. Yeah, it's about me. So we went to club pottery, loved it so much. She made a dog bowl for Norman. I made two plates from my wall. And then we went to Big Bear Bakery and got a glit.

She's raised bun. She got some amazing flipping bun thing. And how cute is there? So my mom does some counseling with a few Scottish girlies up here. And one of the girls who came to meet my mom at Big Bear. She messaged her because Shane, like, I know that you live around this way. And then she came and saw her, oh, so cute. And she's finished her counseling with my mom now. And she's, she looked at me, she went, your mom's changed my entire life, you know. And I was like, oh my God, stop. He's like, honestly, she's like, she's changed my life. I tell everybody about her. So if anybody is like, she's like, she's like, she's like, she's like, she's looking for some counselling then,

definitely hit my mum up because I would like my want to come up and see me more, so it gives her a good excuse to come up and do some one-to-ones with some Scottish girls and guys. She specialises in couples, actually, so if that's your thing. But anyway, my point of this whole story was

we were looking at going for something to eat, and I really thought my mum would quite like Corner Shop or something where it's like small plate vibes. And did you see that app called the Shuffle App? No. Have you heard about it? I've heard but I've not looked into it too much. Because I downloaded it ages ago I've seen it because obviously on my 3D Instagram

there was a few people promoting it at the time. It's actually such a good app, Zoe. Tell me more. So all the restaurants that are on it, you've got Mazon, the Noble, Ghost, moots, Sandwich shop on Byers Road. They love mitts. Corner shop, Covey, Bad is on there, El Santo,

1155. The one in Finiston. My mom would love 115. I've been there, but I always go by, like, hmm. It's all basically got all independent restaurants on here, right? And it's essentially a cash back app. No strings attached. All you have to do is connect your bank account.

And when you actually go into these restaurants and pay for your bill, you just, you must do something with the app. I don't know what you actually have to do. And it sends the money straight. I think I was looking into it. It's like a minimum 5% back into your bank account. Off of your bill. Off your bill back.

Cash back. 100% back. Free meal. And it's in Edinburgh. I saw somebody that I follow promoting it because it was like places you can go in the fringe. Right. Manchester, Liverpool.

What's the other place? Glasgow. Yeah, Glasgow. And I think it's going to get in touch with them right. And I think we should get a discount code for Adi. The pod picks. Because I think this is everything that we speak about and we love.

Eating out. Getting money back. Independent restaurants. In the city that we love in lots of cities that our listeners listen to. I think we should. The Delphine's on the. there. Mallow wine bar.

Clubhouse. Sorry, it's literally everywhere we love and talk about. All our faith places. Grosso, it says new. Grosso on there. Next door, that place we mentioned last week. We need to go there. We need to go there. Maybe we can go there and go on this and get some money back. Like, who doesn't want some money back?

There's no strings attached. You don't need to like, you don't need to book via the app or go on any special days. You just connect your card and use... Yeah. They track your payment or something. And it's really good for like any restaurants that actually. want to come on board and join the app. Absolutely.

I love that. So, yeah, let's, I'm going to... Put it to test. Well, you can email them. We'll leave that to you, Ian. You've done your bit. That's cool. Yeah, so, anyway, I was trying to look,

but basically, because we're running out of time, I was like, let's not do it, but I just thought I would definitely, I thought I was worth shouting about because it just looks really cool, and I'm seeing lots about it at the moment, so. So you get looked fantastic and deliver it, And you get the shuffle app for free money.

Free freaking money? There's no brain of that. No brainer. Love it. What else you've been up to? So, watched the voicemails with Isabel with my mom. My mom loves TV.

If you're in Patreon, you'll see that she writes all the time in the bloody binged and busy chat. In fact, she made up... She created the chat. She loves it that, frankly much. And when I was in Club Pottery, actually, I spoke to the girly about doing a Patreon event there.

Nice. And she said she loves the Irish. idea and absolutely all for it. We can fit around 40 people downstairs and 10 upstairs. So it can be a nice small intimate one. We can maybe do two days on the trot. Who knows? Yeah. That's arranged that.

And honestly, Zoe, that's kind of all I've got to tell you. My kitchen's looking pretty good. But I would like to have a couple of people's help. And I thought the podcast is the best place for me to ask. Right. Right. I'm really looking for, well, I'm getting some costs from different upholsters at the moment. So I'm getting my corner seating done.

If anybody here can recommend. any upholstery to me. I am getting costs from two people at the moment but one of them is a lot more than I thought. The fabric that I'm buying myself is quite costly so I think that's probably why I'm a bit mindful about what I'm spending here. But if anybody

can recommend like a really good, decent upholster, please let me know send it in. It's going to be the most beautiful corner seat you've ever seen your entire African life. And I really would love if somebody could advise me on fencing. This is quite random.

But I really need a gate on my driveway. Sounds more boozy than it is. I don't want a boogie electric gate. I just need a gate at the end of my driveway purely because, for a few reasons,

obviously, like, safety and security, but my garden kind of isn't enclosed. No, my back garden, this is. So you, let's say, Jensen's playing, it's all for Jensen's safety. do this but if he's playing out in the garden i would need to be always be out there with him because

there's a road for the next 10 years you would need to be out there yeah yeah um so i would love somebody to come and quite just a literal wooden gate and i'm also i said real big shame my uncle doesn't live up here um because he's a tree surgeon but i'm really need a tree surgeon oh do you yes or do you do you yeah right then so send me and so be a tree surgeon imagine that be your job it's quite cool I think so cool I guess sergeant Yale and what trees so yeah please I've just thought I'd usually I'd post some of my story I want them trimmed because basically you know my kitchen in the evening the sun comes around the back of the house yeah it's the south no it's a south front facing house but the sun sets yeah it's beautiful at night but when I'm

trying to like take nice pictures and stuff of the food it's difficult because the trees are growing up and they're blocking the sun can you know just get a garden at it trim them. They're really high. Oh, are they so they're nearly as high as the neighbour's house. Right, okay, so you would need an actual guy on up the tree. So I also want privacy. Yeah.

But just a trim. Just a trim. Yeah. So, yeah, I just would like some sort of tree surgeon, fencing upholster. Anyone, anyone's parents, you do it, just, it's nice to support the team. Absolutely. By the way, we've got a sparsh wall today. We have.

Speaking of banana Speaking of banana Alan got us a spitter swall Right tell us what it is If you're looking at the camera He went to the new shop in Silverman Called Alan what is it called It was Brayhead, it was Minisoe

Oh Brayhead, sorry Minisoe the place where you get Labibu's In the Helicitty It's a Taiwan banana milk This is just right up my street And I was saying I love banana as well Do you?

I like banana flavour yeah This would be so good With ice Poured over ice with a shot of coffee in it. I agree with it. Right, let's go. We've not done a spit or swallowing ages

and I still need to get Zoe Dandelion and Bird up. Which no one's heard of is what? No, I know. No one is messaging me saying I know what that is. And a lot of people have said they don't know. So I think it's maybe something for doing your way. But then we've just Googled it and it is created from Bar, which is a Scottish company that creates Ironbury. Strange, isn't it?

Yeah. So actually, if anyone works that company. That's enough, thanks. Messages now. And send us a good old glass. But that smells delicious. Oh, it smells like Nesquick banana milk. Do you remember that when you used?

Come back from school. You had the yellow tubs and I would pour like five heat tablespoons of strawberry. That is gorgeous. Is it? Your face was saying otherwise for a minute there. No, it is. That is nice. I love that.

Oh. It's a bit more watery than, um... I wonder if it is milk. Oh, it is made of milk. Water, cane sugar, milk powder. By the way, it's not, by the way, it's not got hardly any ingredients in it. I'm fine, it being a bit more watery though than like a milky texture. Sometimes that's a bit much.

I don't actually think it's full of that much shit. Quite surprising. Anyway, I quite like that. If you can see it on YouTube, it's called Taiwan Banana Milk. That'd been really good with coffee. Wouldn't it? Yeah. It's quite sweet.

I like that a lot. Mmm. So you remember last week We spoke about the kind of sudden breakup dilemma Should the girl stay And the rental on her own? So she moved back to our West End flat So she'd buy a new place completely

And we got an email And of someone who's went through something similar Do you want to read it out? So I was in your position 18 months ago And virtually the exact same thing happened to me My whole world completely shattered my advice and what worked for me

caveat I'm quite nuts and feel things very deeply is to have a completely fresh start your flat in the West End sounds amazing but if there's anything there that reminds you of your old life with him get rid of it I genuinely think the turning point for me

was getting my own place with all new things around me burn that juju oh burn it baby move somewhere with nice walks cafes and bars nearby and get comfortable doing things solo. Stick your headphones in, put a podcast on, preferably ours, and just go. It's

really not that bad. If you have access to counselling, do it. Oh, just give you a recommendation there. Once you're out of the depths of despair, for me, this was the point friends and family were giving me the tough love. Use counselling as your time to completely unload, then put it back in a box for the rest of the week. When I'd start spiraling, I'd literally tell myself, no, put it back in the box. This helped me find joy in other things because I knew I wasn't suppressing the feelings just parking it for a better time. Romanticize everything.

Take photos, post stories, get out and do things. Yes, it's painfully obvious when someone becomes single and suddenly their Instagram is very active, but who gives a fuck? I love that. I think the girlies love seeing another girly thriving. Absolutely. And finally, it's cliche, but the best way to get over someone is to get under someone else. Oh,

do it for the plot. You'll probably hate yourself the morning after, but you're literally living a chick flick right now, so you might as well have a few stories to tell in the meantime. Eventually, oh, this is cute, you'll be genuinely grateful this relationship ended. I know everyone's probably saying that to you, and I didn't believe it either,

but I can honestly say it's true. I am now in the healthiest, most loving relationship I've ever been in, and this man has given me more in eight months than my last ever did. yes, his probs are silly little cunt anyway. That's brilliant. That is amazing. There you go. I think that's helpful.

I do. Romanticize and pretend you're in a chick flick. You are Carrie Bradshaw. Yeah, absolutely are. Carrie Bradshaw was probably 10 years older than you right now and she was still thriving. No, I know. I know, Zoe, it's not real.

We can't deep it. But let's romanticise it. Yeah, use it. Romanticize it. Pretendise it. pretend it's you, I think, do that. I love that. What was that guy that went really viral in COVID and TikTok? And he used to always film himself and he'd be like pretending that you're in a film and he'd like, wake in the morning.

He took his hair behind his ears and romanticised making himself a coffee and like open the curtain. It's like, you're just going to pretend you in like the Truman Show or something. I do do weird things like that though, not in that way. No, not in that way. But remember when we had Jamie on, I was saying when you can't be bothered doing something, I basically say in my head, like, stop being a lazy C-U-N-T and just do it. I do that in other ways. So every time I brush my teeth, I always say to myself, like, brush them like you go to the dentist.

Like that, so you should. Always, but do, do, right? But, you know, when you're just in a rush and you're about, like, da-da-da, that's just an example. But I thought it is actually quite good to kind of pretend you're being watched. Yes. Pretend you're on Love Island. Yeah. Or see if you just can't be bothered in your skincare

or put your fake tan on. I'm like, but what would I do if I was filming and I fucking get ready with me? Do you know what I did? Like, I'm similar to you in a sense of that I kind of remind myself the time it takes to do something and it's so little in what you think.

So this morning, sounds silly, but I was making my pickle run on you and I haven't made them for ages, right? I've got everything I need in the house to make that. And I thought, Jess, that literally takes you probably about three, four minutes in total to do that. And I will have a delicious addition to my breakfast for the next week. Yeah. But for me to be like, I can't be asked to do that.

What the fuck three minutes? I'll probably sit on my phone and scroll for five. I know. And it's like, what am I gaining? So I just think that little small things that make your life a bit more pleasurable and exciting don't take very much time at all, like skincare or... No, I know. Agony. All these little things.

And how much bits. It makes you feel once you've done it. Yeah, it's like a little... achievement ticked off like making your bed in the morning yeah i love doing that because it's like it's a task that's done and you walk out your bedroom feeling like i've fresh together yeah like this morning i've i guess it's kind of different with me now waking up so early i feel like i live a million lives before the world wakes up yeah so it's like what can i do in this time to feel like a fresh start and i've completely sprinkly in my house this morning and it's like

by 10 o'clock richard comes home from work and it's like he can relax for the rest of the day now because I know he has the rest of the day off with Jensen. And it's like he's got a gorgeous day. I've got a lovely house to go to after the pod today. And what? It took me a couple of hours. But I enjoyed it as I did it. I put a podcast on.

See if you've got the time. I know. Exactly. I saw someone say what they've stars she'd do. And I can't remember who it was. Was just putting like a 30 minute timer on? Yes. I'm saying this to me.

I've seen someone say that too. Was it Dionne? Yes. And she was... And just get as much as you can get done that time. And if you don't get it all done fine. but you've done more than what you would do with you done for a whole. It's almost like a little challenge to yourself, isn't it?

But then I also saw, I think it was the productivity method, maybe posted tips on just how to feel a bit less overwhelmed in adult life, something like that. And one of them was just like if something takes you less than five minutes, just do it now. Yeah. So it's like you put a dish in the sink, I'll get it later, just wash it, take two minutes.

Or like you fling your coat over in the cupboard or over a chair, just hang it up. Hang it up. Who's the person that said the three, two, one thing to us? on a pod What was that again? And you were lying down it's like right

you count down from three and at one you get up it might have been Izzy was it it might have been or countdown from 10 it's like right you've got 10 seconds

get up I do sometimes do that actually I've got 10 more shacks I'm like 10 talking of apps well Opel is I've had that on my phone now it's actually

Julie that told me I downloaded it about a year ago to help reduce screen time it is a bit frustrated now sometimes but it's a really good app that it sort of locks your phone. It's like that brick that everyone's talking about.

I'm just going to talk about brick. Is brick a physical thing? I think brick's a physical thing that you attach to your phone, like the magnet. I could be wrong. I don't know though because Shev showed me her phone the other day and it was that she was locked out everything. I didn't notice anything being on it. Oh.

Maybe it's something like a device that connects to it. I think it might be something like that, but she'd locked herself out of everything for like 40 hours or something. Wow. That's what I need to do with my digital detox. Well, Opel does the same thing for me, but it blocks it in time. of the day.

So then you can go in and pause it if you want or you can go in like hardcore mode where you're not allowed to do that. Right, yeah. But why I've kept it on is I'll literally in the morning I'll wake up

and it'll be blocked, right? Then I'll be like, right, Opel, open Opel and I pause it for five minutes or ten minutes. I do my five, ten minutes scroll and once it locks me back out again I'm like, fuck, I can't be asked

to go back. I get up. And it's almost like my brain knows that I've been scrolling for ten minutes. That's more than enough. Get up. And also I've done.

do think there's all these like tips and rules and everything right that make you think I should wake up in the morning jump out of bed, get outside straight away and not have looked at my phone we all want... I can tell you the last time I stepped out my front door before 10am and going for my little morning walk

I know but the thing is like we it's just the life you live as it we like to be on our phone right? So if you want to do that just do it but as you're saying just put a limit to it or at least get out of bed and go sit on the couch and do it for five or something just don't like rot away in your bed for half an hour. See if it's the weekend, fuck it. Or if it's your day off,

what if you want? But I just think when you know it bothers you. Exactly, yeah. Like, I'm not bad at putting my phone to the side, but I get annoyed with myself if I'm just being like couch potato. Yeah. So if you find yourself annoying and you need to do something about it. Oh, totally. Whereas if it doesn't annoy you that you're on your own stone, fuck it. Sometimes you just want to just sit and rot and watch so much point in the shit and it's like, this is hilarious. And if you've been busy all day. Maybe I don't want to read tonight. I just want to scroll on TikTok and that's okay.

Because I've not been on it all day or I've not been on it for a couple days or whatever. I think it's probably more just like if you need to be productive. You know it's like scrolling for another 10 minutes isn't productive at all. It's just stopping me prolonging the jobs that I know I've got to do around this bloody house. And I actually think the more you do it, the more lethargic you come. Yeah. And then you can't remember doing it.

And you know, one of those moods. Yeah. That you just how annoys a moods when you've got so much to do like just little jobs. and you just have it, fuck all energy to do it. But it annoys you because you're like, I want to want to do it and I just don't. Because especially when your house or something needs sorting out or cleaning out and you know how good you'll feel when it's done.

No, I know. But to do it, you know it's going to take a long time. And just like, fucking kind of be ours. But that's where I think habit stacking comes in well, where it is. Yeah. Pair it with something enjoyable like a podcast. Put it in your ears.

Or get their legs on, get it blaring. Get it blaring. Yeah. That's kind of what I've started to do because I'm in the habit of, not really having music on much because if Jason's working at home I can't really because we're just in a flat but recently when he's not been there and I need to get shit done I'm like I can put the music on it's fucking right so I'm kind of a hat I know I don't I find headphones nice but weird I don't know I'm one of those people that

why I want to help around with them on when I could just have it through the speaker yeah but when he's in I could put them on though yeah yeah yeah yeah but yeah maybe that's a few of me tips for everyone to know get shit done we're not perfect no one is right I also wanted to do a wee segment

on the worst or best excuses you've made or given so let's read a few out because some of these are quite funny have you got any

you get a go-to excuse can you not tell me do you use it on me no I don't think I give excuses to not do things but it's I'm trying to think

about me being younger though now because I think I'll just be honest now No, I know. But, oh God, I've told many in my old jobs. I think I used to use, like, in my two houses as a thing. Yeah.

So, like, no, I don't have that, that's at my dad's. Okay. Or I'd forget something to school or, like, I couldn't do that because I left my textbook at my dad's and I've been at my mum's all week. Yeah. Things like that. I think I'd definitely use that. I mean, I've used loads for, like, missing shifts at work and all that.

Yeah, same. But it would just be the generic sort of my car's broken. down or like I'm not well but actually I'm gone over. I don't think I've ever actually blamed a family member being ill and if not because I think I'll be too scared about karma. Same.

Because I feel like I went to use it a few times and thought like I can't do that. Can't do that. Because if actually something happened and I'll forgive myself. Someone did say I have a picture of my car with a flat tire and the warning on the dashboard to use it whenever I need to get out of something. Quite like that.

Guy couldn't come to our engagement pair because he burnt his trousers on the iron. That could happen though. It happens. Yeah, you'd be mortified. My outfit's ruined. We had a friend who once said she couldn't come out because she was cleaning her oven. Now that's what we say when we can't be our bars going out. By the way, that's a graph to clean an oven though. I want you're not coming out.

Asked my dad for a lift to the uni interview. He said his car wasn't built for motorways. What fuck. My friend when I was wee would say, sorry I can't come out. I'm washing my hair. People do say that. Yeah. Or it's like Thursday. It's like fake tan, routine. I'm not doing it. What about that trend, Zoe,

where it was like, mum, mum, lie on the floor. I need you to lie on the floor and pretend like you're dead so I can get like a video of you. And she just likes her and pretend she's dead. You can't breathe.

Guy told me that it wouldn't be free for a date until the summer holidays. It was February. Doesn't it like you, hen? Someone said they regularly use I'm washing my hair as an excuse because it's actually a genuine excuse. I don't think it is.

Why is that a genuine excuse though? Wouldn't... It just doesn't take that long. Is it maybe somebody that just wouldn't tie the hair up in a bun? Yeah, maybe or like, say someone I suppose said to you last minute like, do you want to go out tonight and they'd be like, oh, it's hair wash night. People do do that though. You could wash your hair and dry it and literally like...

People really make it a thing though is what I think I know and I just am not that person Now this is something going back to what we were just saying That I wish I did more Because my blow dry lasts for so long So I'm my hair done by Jack on last When was that? Wednesday I think it was

Wednesday I only had to wash it this morning Zoe That never ever happens because he dried it properly But if I let my hair I think I didn't even think I'm blasted it with a hairdry, I think I just left it wet, right? Then I straightened it. And this will be greasy again tomorrow. Yeah, I can't do it.

I blow dryer, I want a lesson on that. And I really wish that if I made more effort, it would make my life easier for the rest of the week. And do you know what you should do, by the way? Soot cuddles. I ain't got time for that. It takes two minutes. How do you do that?

Here at the side, tear at that side, bit in your mouth, wrap it down, fold it up, go to sleep, wake up. What do you mean? How do you do that, though? I've got those silk rods. Rods. Well, no.

I can't sleep on that though. No, they're more hassle. Sock is literally a fluffy sock. A fluffy sock, right. Put the closed bit with your toes go in your mouth. Yeah. Pull one side of your hair around one side. Pull the sock across.

Literally wrap your hair around the sock. Don't wrap the sock. Just wrap your hair around the sock. Then you pull the bit from your mouth over to go down across the hair. Put your hand in the open bit. Oh, then close it onto it like a bon. Close the sock above, like, yeah, over your hair and that's it. See, I do it all the time.

See, if I'm just like kicking out the next day, it means I don't need to put heat in my hair. See, because yours is really long. If you pull that out, see in the morning, it'll be one big curl and then you just like put a comb through it and it's... You may be when you do it for the night out, but it gives you like something the next day. Even if you're going to go to the gym and take.

tie your hair up at least your ponytail is like a bit curly or bouncing. Right, I'll try that tonight, I'll send you a picture tomorrow. Do it, you might need about ten socks. I won't. Pane me to say. That's not that much. No, I would just do that honestly around one sock. I'll send you a tutorial. All right. It's all over track talk.

But I have bought those rods from Amazon, not the one you've got, we know the wee rods that clap. Yeah. I don't know, they do look nice, but it's just one of those things that I always forget. I think we've said it before, I've got every fucking can in one. to man to that door. I know. I sleep with a silk bought it on every night now.

Oh my God, so I tried that one to sold it. Gave me right, Ed Ake. You sold it? I was only two quince of Amazon. No, it wasn't. I got the actual proper one. No, I don't need that. Silk? Yeah, the silk slipped thing.

Black one. It was so tight around my big head. I was like, this is her reddard. See, mine's quite loose. It's actually a bit too loose because it kind of, I wake up sometimes it's fell down a bit. But for me, it's just,

I actually have just that hair that as soon as I sleep on. it's frizzy and like kinked and cooslicks and crowns and all that so like it's quite good for me but Jason rolls over the night like oh I put it on my my Disney jammies and that myself born and I'm like ready for bed so unattractive

anyway can't was on a date 10 minutes before because he had to walk his neighbour's dog no childcare has to be up there poor kids get the blame for everything you would do that you done that I ain't got child care now I know it's actually not an excuse. It's a reason, ma'am.

As many times that where I've been asked and I'm like, I literally can't. I've gone. I've gone. No, I know. It's a reason. My in-law said they couldn't come to our house for Christmas dinner because my sister-in-law said they shouldn't be out in the dark.

They left her house at 5pm in the dark that same day the excuse was made. Following year went out for Christmas dinner to someone else's house but couldn't come to hours to see their first grandchild for his first Christmas. That's just favouritism. Yeah, it's got to be.

It's not an excuse. On my way home from my booty call and I got lost around Kinning Park. Google Max wasn't working. the lot. Managed to get to the cinema at the key and a guy helped me with directions and we ended up talking about uni because it turns out we both went to track lines. We exchanged numbers in case I needed to call him for help and I went on my way. It was close to midnight by the way. We briefly messaged about it the next day something along the lines of hope

you made your lecture. I replied yeah thanks for the help hope you did too. Anyway the chat died and that was fine because it was some guy I met in a car park whilst I was on the way home from a fucking late night shag. Until literally six months later I got a a message from the same guy saying, hey, sorry for the late reply, I'm just getting out the shower. Sorry, what the fuck? Out the shower. How fucking long have you been in there, Kyle, you're lucky you've no drowned. Oh, we need to get people to write in their dating excuses. Like, what's the worst excuse they've received from like a date in that scenario? Yeah, like a reason to end the situation.

Or not gone a second date or something. someone else was written in I became a solo mum to twin girls because her dad decided to treat the first year of their lives like a guest appearance fluttering in and out whenever the schedule allowed the excuses were wild as to why he couldn't give time to his children

here are some of my favourites too thick dog sitting for his parents and a headache so there I was two babies one exhausted mum approximately zero clue what I was doing and a sleep schedule that can only be described as a war crime wow somehow I survived a newborn chaos to double feeds the double nappies and the constant question of are they

crying or am I just hallucinating? And 10 years later I'm still here, only slightly traumatised, heavily caffeinated and honestly wondering how I deserve a medal I never received. You deserve the biggest medal. You do. How, like, you though, your biggest reward for all of that

is you're going to have like two little best friends for life, like twin girls. They will never forget or forget what you've done for them. Absolutely not. They're dead beat dad like, fuck off, honestly. I just don't know how you could.

with no guilt. You'd be surprised, Zoe. I'm trying to think if I've made any more excuses. I mean, I make excuses to thatcher at the gym all the time. But that's standard. Yeah, but are they like little white lies or the actual excuses? No, I don't really think a white lie. Yeah.

I would say there are more reasons. But when I'm actually physically with them. Oh, I see what you mean. I'm like, come on, nurtured my back sore. Yeah. Really hurt my back at platies another day. really sore from platties and all he wants to say shut the fuck up

he's shy but now he knows it's not he doesn't think it's shite that's quite helpful actually sometimes in life I do just think an excuse is better than just say no sometimes I agree it softens the blow depending on who you're saying

no to and why you're saying no and if it's acceptable to say no I agree sometimes you don't want to hurt someone's feelings let's say it's someone like your little grandparents or something it's like I'm not saying like you can't be asking around but let's say for example you really couldn't bother you had a better office to do something

which is terrible I know but you would probably soften the blow by them saying like something's come up and they would because they would sit there and like be really upset by that yeah and actually just out your pals I know I know but that happens yeah

yeah so anyway let us know you're dating excuses how you've got out of a situation ship or even just a second date. Do you know what's really terrible as well? You know, like, legit excuses, but that I've gone really viral or, like, I know, like, the dog ate my homework.

Let's say the dog really did eat your homework. You would never be able to give that excuse. The dog did eat your retainer. The dog did. Yes. If I had cancelled the dog, cookie would eat the homework. Yeah. Like, see if a notepad or what I?

was lying about she does eat that so will have happened to people she loves a pen yeah and if there's a pen there's a bit of paper and to get that pen inside the notepad the papers also getting chewed up a victim of that dog so there you go right we've had an email Dun-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D. Remember we didn't have an email address? I love them now. I love them. I love them because people write more.

A reminder of our email is contact at a lot on your platepodcast.com. Connect. You can also DM us at A Lot on Your Plate pod on Instagram. We are now on Facebook. Followers on Facebook if that's your thing. we're not on what's that other app called threads or I think we might be on threads I don't know but threads X

we're not on that shite and what's the other thing we're on Patreon of course you can always DM is on there YouTube YouTube that's what I'm thinking of how could I forget I don't know I think about how I'm on the other day

it's quite something please please please remember to subscribe if you're watching this on YouTube and if you are listening on Spotify please give us a five-star rating. If you're literally listening to this right now, look at your phone and see the little star and click it and press five-star.

It takes you not even one second. It would really, really do as a blinder. Right. Subject. I have a reoccurring pay pig. Hi girls. Not a dilemma, but a funny story I thought I would share with you. In January, 23, Edinburgh Live ran a story on me and my two flatmates,

which included a picture of the three of us, and my Twitter handle, as I had got in touch about our story via Twitter. Oh, fast forward a few weeks. Later, I get a mystery Twitter DM from Pay Pig at like midday on a Friday, while me and my flatmate, also my best friend, are working from home. He DMs me and asks if he can serve me. Obviously, I say yes. Right.

It was the funniest afternoon as me and my bestie are in hysterics replying to his messages, to which we call him a pig. Useless, piece of shit. And that his only purpose in life is to service financially. Wow. It actually works, and we both ended up with a hundred pound in our bank account. Safe to say, we had an amazing night that night, and we're very hung over the next morning. I'm not spoken to this person since then, for every so often.

in a random 10 pound will land in my Monza account from a J.B. With the reference, pig. I also sometimes get follow requests and message requests on Instagram, which are newly set up pay pig accounts, which I'm convinced is the same guy from 2023. Fast forward to now is 2026, and I have deleted Twitter and left my pay pig life behind me. Or have I?

I'm off work with the flu, and literally this morning, I noticed a message request asking if he could say, serve me. I know this is so good. I thought, fuck it. Let's see if I can get a few quids here. I'll add the screenshot below. But lo and behold, I called a pig.

But lo and behold, I called him a pig. And I ended up with another 50 quid in my account. I will also add, my boyfriend thinks this is hilarious and enjoys me spending my pay pig money on meals out for us both, lull. I have no idea who it is. And it's clear from my social media, I've been in a long-term relationship. But the repeat offenders makes me think I must have an admirer somewhere in the world. Not sure who or how he gets his kicks out of sending me cash, but there we go.

I hope all the podpiggies are blessed with a pay pig in their life soon, as it is right laughing my friendship group. Thanks for all the laughs the podcast brings. I live in Oz now and your voice is making me feel like I'm home when I'm home. I listen to it. Oh, here we go. This is the screenshot. Right. Oh, it actually puts his name.

It's actually said his name. You know, because Monzo actually puts your full name. Yeah. I'm obviously not going to say what it is. Right. Hey, Holly, please can I serve you with a pig emoji and some notes? She put yes. And how are you going to do that?

By pumping my harder. and pathetic piggy loser cash into your hot young, entitled tanned princess account on the regular. Oh my God. I like the sound of that pig. So much peg chats to me. Your Insta feed is so, this is what he said to her. Your Insta feed is so triggering. Just experience after experience, mostly in the sun.

Live in your best life whilst I work my boring 9 to 5 in a grey UK office in the rain. earning money for girls like you. Oh, my dear Lord. She put that sounds like a you problem pig. Now make it rain pig. I know who she is. She sounds an icon. Good honour, by the way.

Oh my God. Listen, the thing is, you're, obviously there's going to be men out there like, oh, women, like, this is their kink, though. Absolutely is. Their kink is to get somebody to financially, like, abuse them. Yeah.

They get a kick out of it. We know that from when Amelia was on the podcast. Like, it's crazy. It's just a strange thing to have, but Fairfax. Especially if it's like nothing to them, but... Exactly. It's some sort of addiction. I don't know.

I don't know. But that is funny. That is funny. And I mean, why not accept it? And if your man's all right, but then fair enough. But you know what's weird that? Me and probably loads of us get loads of messages. like that from like, I know it's fake accounts,

but it's always like, can I be your sugar daddy? What happens if you said yes to all of them? And then one day... And one of them was real? Yeah. I know. Maybe we should try it. Make it really, maybe.

I say I'd try and sell footpicks, but I don't know. I mean, someone's got a fetish for something. Somebody will have a fetish for Trottas. You're not bad, I think. I don't think I'd get much for rain. You need a fairer bunions. People like... dodgy shit

let's go over to Patreon let's go shall we wee hint um I don't think I've got anything else to tell you but I've got lots of stuff to tell you over there so see you on Friday see you on Friday

thanks for listening thanks for watching and have a lovely week have a lovely weekend have a lovely life next time we see you it will be do you remember

the Twitter 21st night of September. So this one comes out in September? It's so it does. But as we sit and stand here right now, it's not. September, best month for the year. I agree, you know, I love September. I love it, love it, love it.

The sunsets are gorgeous. It's the end of summer. But we've got the best fashion, in my opinion, is autumn. Like me, best. Layers. Layers. Nets. And it's still light at night before the clocks go back in October.

The only downside is the spiders. I hate spider season in September. And yeah. We love it. We love it. And then it goes into party season, October to December is party. By the way, I'm ready. Party.

What am I going to be like? Party season. I know, I know. You're only able to keep me in? Well, we're actually still going on a holiday. When is that? Like, do we record again before that? Yeah, we do.

We do. Okay, you have to hold tight for that a bit longer, guys. But we'll bring you all along with this in some way or another, I'm sure. Right. Right. We'll see you on Friday. Friday if you're on Patreon. We'll see you next Tuesday. Bye guys.