A Lot On Your Plate - S2 Ep9: Spunky Town, Garlic Trotters & Fanny Farts

Episode Date: April 4, 2023

This week on A Lot On Your Plate we talk all things SEX! We're not telling you any more, you will just need to listen...Enjoy 😁- - - - - - - - - -Follow us on IG ⁠⁠@alotonyourplatepod⁠��Your HostsJess (⁠⁠@JustJessFood⁠⁠)Zoe (⁠⁠@ZoeQuinnnn⁠⁠)Produced ByCobalt Media (@cobaltmediauk)For Business Enquiries - [e-mail] Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Let's go Let's talk about sex baby Let's talk about you and me Let's talk about you and me you guys today hello everybody that was so smooth what what was i thought you were explaining to me what a bit of was to join in you just went right in for it good prose now happy tuesday that was impressive actually thank you i'm about taking it back woo are you ready for today's episode everybody because we need to have a stiff drink excuse the pun i think everyone's ready

except maybe me and G. And G's not ready. G, so can he just leave the room and come back? But, you know, I'm going to have to admit something here, right? You know, from previous episodes when we spoke about vibrators? And I said how we were in that room and Scottish girls didn't. I thought, right, we're going to speak about sex and porn, everything in between. I'm going to text some of my frisky friends back down south that I know have stories, okay?

they messaged me and they delivered then we posted the stories on the pod I stand corrected and I've tried well means I personally haven't read there's hundreds but I haven't read all of them I read a couple and the ones that I read I was like okay I need to start because these are brutal we need live reactions yeah also can I just clarify people in Scotland

sorry women in Scotland in particular do have sex do you know that I never said that they don't have sex I just said that at that particular party and we never have I ever it was dry Well that's just that group of friends So let's not categorise Okay that's what I'm saying

I definitely stereotyped with that one because I have stand corrected Well good You frisky bitches Well anyway Let's just get right into what we're going to have First about our swallow Everything's really relating back to the sexual theme here

Well when you saw all about in a park Drinking this drink Yeah So someone who we're You both know quite well actually, let's give me a shout out, Rees Miller. Rees Miller. Comes to win fitness gym, actually. He suggested this drink and as soon as I thought, I thought that's the one winner, winner chicken dinner.

So what we're going to drink is, a venom. Woo! Have you had a venom before? Once. Yeah, I feel like you've tried it. But you need to tell people that aren't from Scotland what it is, please. So it is a concoction. Concoction.

Do you know what I mean? Anyway Bodka Blue Wicked WKD's young ones call it Southern Comfort and orange juice

Sounds like So it goes from being blue to green Hell juice Since thinking right Here we go Anyway She's even bought us

Red cups And just to make it Even more Sex theme for the pod Gee said he's got us a gift today And he got us a big Papa pickle

And a big hot And a big hot and spicy pickle They are gigantic We're not going to eat these today because I want to wrap. God, these sortsy words today.

I want to wrap something sweet around it. What your lips? Gee, also, you know when everyone was writing in, do you know they actually say now, hi, Jess, Zoe and Gee. Yeah, they do. That is cute, isn't it? You're part of the team.

We've no choice anymore. Right, so what's in first? Does it matter what weight goes in or not? No, you just fuck it all in. So I've poured the vodka can. Blug, glug, glug, glug. What a stunning sound at is, eh? I need a drink today.

Just put that all in, we'll be right? Mm-hmm. Okay. Pretty strong drink of you. Yep, I can smell it from a distance. Wicked? Wicked. One of my friends drinks that as I're drinking, I just can't cope. Also, can I just say a massive, huge thank you

to everybody because we hit over 200. thousand downloads! Woo! That is incredible. And yeah, if you are on Spotify or Apple podcast or any other sort of whatever you listen to, just please rate, don't hate, five star review. Rate, don't hate, appreciate it, you know what I'm saying? We don't really appreciate it.

It takes literally not even a second. I have to say I'm struggling this orange juice. Oh, there we are, there we are, right? So it's currently blue, Jess. Have you seen that? Yeah. Right? Wow, is this like...

It's blue. Magic. Colourne. I'm colourblind. Can you not actually see that? Look now. Wow. Verdi.

That's green in Spanish. Orange and blue make green. Does it? That's not a primary colour, is it orange? Yellow and blue make green. Right, well there you go. Holy molly. Cheers, my dear.

Cheers, my dears. Just make sure you looked into my eyes or we would have bad sex for seven years. No, this is what we have to do. Remember? Take Polo. Oh, tits are nice in. I said Spanish last time in the podcast. It's actually Italian.

Make sure you do the biggest, loudest, Slap in the microphone, please. That is... That's really good. I mean, I'm easily pleased. That's the strongest thing I've ever put past my laps. Really? I don't think that's so strong.

One was stronger, and I think I gave it to myself. That's really nice. And this is what everyone drinks, don't they, when they want to get. Mad's wet. Mads wet. Mad's wet. Right, anyway, let's just get absolutely

involved in the topic, shall we? Right, in and about it. Nobody cares what we've been up to this week. No, I'm not telling you, I couldn't give a shit, I've done fuck-all anyway. I have been doing nothing, actually. Dunton CrossFit. Yeah, I came back to Jim. Well, she's back, is she?

One time. We'll see if it, you know, we'll see. Went to month's nice, isn't it? Have we got him? We both walked here. Yeah, I mean, I say, I'll have ten minutes walk away by myself. Can I just say it's 10 past seven at night and the sun is out. The sun is shine. Blue skies. I'm so excited. Anyway, right, so what I think we should do to start with people's thoughts and feelings on like porn, only fans. Yeah, okay. Right, well, Jessica, I would like to know what your thoughts are on watching. Let's start with porn.

Mm-hmm. Porn in a relationship. Do you watch it? Do you think it's appropriate? Would you be annoyed if your partner was watching it? Tell me your thoughts and feelings. Um, I think we've made it quite clear that I'm not really faced by much and I watch lesbian porn but not often but yeah if I personally watch it then I have no right to be angry at him and I'm very aware that he does which is absolutely fine but what I will say is it gives a false idea quite clearly as to what to expect from a woman when he buys me that leather one piece with a chain around the neck so I just think porn can have um positive and negative effects on a sexual relationship it hasn't got any real meaning to it doesn't really show you the mishaps with sex isn't it's not really real is it's all

acting so i think it gives younger boys because i think that's what who mostly watch it at a young age this idea of what sex is and it's not actually the reality and it also makes women feel like this is what how they need to perform however what i will say is i do believe i can't really recall but when you grow up, you do, you question how to do things, don't you? Yes, you do. And you discuss with other people. I do think... Well, your mum and dad, don't show you how you have sex, do you what I mean?

Mom, how do I suck a cop? Like, you wouldn't ask that question. You wouldn't. So, I think that there is things like... I do you think there is things like films and porn that probably help you with an idea, but it isn't real. You're going to get real. I think the difference.

is, as you said, boys watch it, and I think they then get a false idea. Whereas girls, when they're trying to learn, shall we say, would watch it. But they know, they just pick the ones who are looking to learn from. Do you know what I mean? Right. No, no having it. You kind of just tarred guys where guys are just watching porn, but women are watching purely for educational purposes.

No, no, no, no. That's not what we said. I totally agree. No, I do agree with me there. women have the mindset that they know what's like... I'm talking as a young kid. Yeah, yeah. But I feel like girls then have the mindset of...

I think they understand what's maybe unrealistic, whereas guys think I'd fucking love Elassi to do that. Maybe. I mean, I don't know. And gee, you know what? Maybe I'm wrong. I'm just having my thoughts and feelings here. Yeah.

But, I mean, I actually, what I will say in a very open space is I actually don't watch porn. Okay. I have. I don't watch porn with a partner, is that what you're saying? No at all. Okay. Never.

haven't for years. But it's not that I'm against it. If Jason watched it, don't care. Let me just say this to you. Obviously, this must be correct. But men have to masturbate, I believe. And isn't it like, isn't it after something like three to four weeks? I feel it would maybe like put that into Google rather than asking you.

I'm not sure if you want to have the conversation. No, I mean, scientifically, I believe men need to ejaculate semen. Else it would come out in their sleep in a wet dream if they didn't. I believe that scientifically correct. Yeah, so technically they don't then, because if they didn't, it would just come out naturally. I don't think that's how it works. You don't just build off. So you're telling me if you never had a wank, you wouldn't...

You wouldn't just wake up and I'm puzzling. Blue balls, that's what they say, isn't it, blue balls? Yeah. So I just feel like men are just more sexually active. They do this because it's like a, it's routine. It's... It's kind of like... It's an MOT for your body every week.

Right, okay, yeah. Whereas, yeah. I understand what you're saying I feel like we've got a natural flow that things can you know come in and out of whereas guys almost have to make it happen is what we're saying here

right okay so the answer that very long-winded response I don't give a fuck I have to agree with you there but do you know what I will say is if I caught him wanking then that's a kind of different story isn't it I'd be like whoa whoa whoa

I think, and we'll get on to what, like, her listeners said about it in a second, but I think that's the difference. I feel if you maybe work away, you're not with your partner a lot, or for whatever reason you're not having sex a lot, then do it in your spare time. Yeah. Absolutely, why not? But I think the problem is, and what a lot of people have said is, it's not okay if you're then doing that instead of.

Yeah. Or doing it when your partner's around. Why not just having sex with them then? Yeah. Oh, yeah, totally. Very good point. So let's kind of see what the listeners are saying then. because it's good to think of other reasons.

Do you what else I would like to see, actually? Oh, I can't even... What? Some of these responses are so dirty. I'm actually quite excited. All I can see is... I squirted all over the floor. He used someone else's towel to clean it.

I just saw what I just saw. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. Excuse me, my cough is coughing today. Holy friggin' moly, there's a lot. I think this is completely normal and can be inspo, actually. So normal, pure weird behaviour when girls get raging about this. From a female perspective, I just don't really see the need for it, especially if you have sex often.

Someone's put absolute no-go. Okay, okay, interesting. And then somebody, I asked my partner outright, do you watch porn? I'm not fussed. No, promise I don't. Like, why would I? I'm like, it's nothing to be ashamed of, you can say. No, he doesn't, he said at the end of the conversation.

I'm on my laptop later and then close up. all the tabs to see a screenshot at the bottom of the MacBook, so I click on it, and there is a big blonde girl with legs wide open screenshots about it when I was away. And then I was like, why the fuck did you lie about something so stupid? He says, it's embarrassing. And we leave it. And then later on, he says, the reason I was watching that is because I thought she looked like you. Oh, Chestnut.

He's such a fucking idiot worst possible thing. He could say the poem was not a pretty sight at all. How stupid are these men? Do you know actually what that's just me and me think of? I suppose people must think, why do you need to, could you not be thinking of me? Oh, come off it. Rather than watching that.

No. But people will think that. I don't think you're rich. I don't. I'm just being honest. No, I'm not saying you should. I don't agree with that. I don't think watching it.

Like, you're not fucking shagging the girl. Like, you're just watching her shagging stuff else or herself, whatever. Yeah. But I think people think that way. Yeah. I think that's maybe the point. Yeah. Red flag.

My ex told me it was my fault he watched. porn eyes I wouldn't send him nudes wow no okay well he is toxic as fuck I just don't think nude pictures are attractive women or men I don't want to see a dick in my phone I find it so ugly it's unattractive what's that doing for me yeah nothing at all actually putting me off watched it together twice we've been together for three years I know a few people that watch porn together they say it really gets them off I'm not sure I could do that I like quite strange I've not done it but It doesn't scare me the thought of it.

Do you know what? I feel like it's like. I feel like I could do. In fact, do you know what? I've got an example here. The other week randomly we put, have you seen there's a documentary out on Porn Hub? Yes.

Maybe it's old, I don't know. And we didn't know what to watch. I was like, maybe that would quite interesting. Put that on. And it wasn't that that was like, you know, getting the mood in because it wasn't like that. It was a girl talking most of the time. Yeah.

But then we kind of, you know, he bit of Priskey. But then she started, then they started showing. her like in her porn films but it was her noises and all and it was the biggest off-put ever because I just started laughing because you're hearing like another woman

like moaning as they call it so actually I thought watching it I wouldn't find an issue but then I've just remembered that happened and I feel like it was off-putting I feel like it's when you're watching a movie and then the sex scene comes on quite awkward I find it really awkward

I'm sat next to Richard, like... Do you think it's because you're thinking this should this be, you know, spurring us on? No, I don't think that. I think, I wonder what he's thinking. I think he's probably thinking, wonder what she's thinking. No, but that's what I mean. Like, do you think it should be and it's not?

Yeah, because you literally just... I don't know. I just find it... It's like sitting with your mum and dad watching porn. Yeah, no, it's just as awkward. I don't know why that is. It's weird. No, I'm not comparing that to him.

That's fucking not. I just find that weird. I think watching anyone else having sex I find strange. No, I agree. I don't really want to watch people's sex, to be honest. I don't know, just find it strange. Me and my partner watch it together sometimes. I don't see a problem with it, but most of my friends think their partner watching it is classed as cheating. Couldn't agree.

Couldn't disagree more. Couldn't disagree more. No judgment, but not for me. I'm in a long-distance relationship and me and my boyfriend both openly admit to watching porn in between seeing each other together and we have watched it together. I actually find it quite a turn on. Wow, there's a really mixed bag here. Have you ever made films yourself? Oh, great.

Gee, for Pete's sake, absolutely no way. Yeah, I have once. I found it so awkward, though. I hate every second a bit. I just don't think I'm not in that. No, no, never. But what I have done, though, is... Where does that live in the ether?

Oh, I have no idea. I'm not trying to stress you out, but that's what to stress me out. Nah, I know, that's safe. but the only other thing I have done is is have sex in a mirror I've had sex in a mirror yeah and I think that that is quite enjoyable

for the partner I'm not so keen on that because I just think I look repulsive and naked but they're loving it so I'm like they're getting off on this screen yeah that's how I feel I don't going back to the porn thing I don't look like they've porn stars when we're having sex so I don't think it's attracted to see out with what they can see just in front of them.

Your big odors giving you a black eye. Yeah, like I don't think seeing the picture as a hole in a mirror is really a vibe. Oh my should never wore a lava jacket to this podcast recording. A lather jacket. I'm so wetting. A lather jacket. Watching porn is, when in a relationship,

is fine. It's 100% not cheating. Totally fine for either partner, so long as it's not an addiction requirement to get off. That is what you were saying earlier. I think that is a valid point. I don't think I've ever been in a situation where I felt that way though so that's probably why I don't feel like it's an issue yeah me too

probably prefer him to get off on it actually I've never really I've never really just asked the question out there and open to be honest Richards wrote in absolutely fine I think it's weird if you get annoyed at your partner for watching it eyes and then someone's wrote everyone has watched porn you know

not that deep and I can't wait for some girls stories Do you know what the thing is as well? Obviously I was saying I've not for a while, right? But it's not that I haven't any issue with it. When the fucking fuck are you finding the time? Yeah. When is everyone sitting watching porn? Because see at night, I'm next to Jason.

That is very true, actually. I know maybe like, for example, Jason works at home. So if he's doing it, he works at home. Did you think I said wanks at home? Oh, which time break? Hunch time wank. Right, this is too far. Anyways, for people who go to their work, return home to where their partner also lives.

Right, G's choking. Is everything okay over there? We've not even got into the dirty mate yet. This is great. Yeah, I just don't understand if everyone's at the work, both partners, right, they come home and then they're together. When are people watching porn? Yeah, I'm sure. There must be some dirty bastards to go out of the toilet. work in their office.

Say la Vee, but it's weird. They are literally getting off over another girl that's naked. Maybe they're watching gay porn, how do you know? Well, I have asked Richard once what he watches and he said, Milf Porn. I was like, fair fucks to you lad. I'm not that yet, so go for it.

Yeah, go for it. As long as it's not instead of having sex with your partner. Yeah, goody. If you live together, question the choice to masturbate over actual sex. I get that, I get that. I'm aware a lot, to be fair, so. But then again, actually, when you think about it,

even if you're talking on your lunch break when you work from home, right, and the other person isn't in, is that not then making you not want to at night? Or is that just a girl thing? Maybe. Do you know what I mean, though? Yeah.

Like, see if, like, I'm not having sex at lunch, then wants to have sex again at night. Absolutely not. I am definitely more sexually up for it in the day. The moment I've got my makeup off and I'm in my pyjamas, I do not want to get down and dirty, especially at 11pm. No, I think you need to cap it before you're in that getting settled in bed.

It needs to be you've either just got in or it's before you're getting in or you can't get like all comfy watch a film and then do it. Because my eyes are shutting at that point. Nackard, can't be asked. Anyway, what about, it's true. Absolutely not a problem assuming it's not an addiction and isn't anything dodgy. Again, totally normal unless they are picking, porn over doing the deed. Most people are saying that.

It's not a problem unless it's an addiction or. And individually, yes, without knowing each other, doing it, but can't bring myself to do it together. I agree on that one. I don't think I'll find that quite odd. Do you know what I actually think, the thing about that is the process? It's like, what are you putting,

porn hub on the telly, and then both choosing one together? Do you know what I mean? Maybe, oh, that one looks good, and then you shove it on, and then you just force yourself in it as well. Do you reckon it's like that, though, when you get older and you go to these swingers parties? I'm not saying that they do, but people do... What is that?

Do folk just kick about and do that? Well, that's what I'm. swing as party, isn't it? They sort of just watch others have sex or they can join in or whatever. I know it's probably bigger over in America but who knows what goes on in this weird world but people do do that

and I think that maybe that's what they get off on it's like watching people live and it's just like, yeah, fine. I personally find that quite strange. Wow, wait, my friend and boyfriend do porn roulette, copy what the porn does, got to try it once. Like that.

Well, that's terrifying. They do all sort of weird things on there. Spanking the monkey. Is that what you call wanking? I wrote that in. I think we've come in the conclusion you're more of a pleasure yourself than get pleasured. Absolutely.

No, I'm kidding, I'm kidding, kidding. Okay, right. The next question that we asked to you guys were thoughts on having, subscribing to Onlyfans when it in a relationship. Now, I feel like a massive hypocrite now because I'm about to say that I find this completely, absolutely fucking not.

And I would find that a dumpable offence. I think the difference is... He's paying for it. You're paying for it, but actually, I don't know if you can also pay in Pornhub now, but anyway, I'm not sure. But let's see, you can't. Why are you paying? Like, do you really need you watch it that much to pay for it?

I think that's what the difference is. And I also feel with OnlyFand, you're subscribing to one particular person. It's like an Instagram account that you're subscribing to that one particular person that's going to make you personalised videos if you wanted to, or special content directly for what you want. You're choosing someone that you're attracted to in some way. It might not just be their appearance because if they don't show face or whatever,

but either you must like their body or the services that are offering you or something, their feet, yeah. They're getting something back for that because there's just a thing that came out there. They're saying the amount of money that gets kicked about in only fans. It is off the charts.

So people have then seen the opportunity in that. So now what they'll do is they'll sign up the talent so we get a girl and say, my company, Cobalt Media, I want to do OnlyFans. I'm going to get the girl. She makes the videos and pictures and all that. I post them up on OnlyFans.

But I've got a team of 10 people who responds to all the messages and holds all the conversations. So all these guys are thinking, oh, it's with that girl. That's why people pay for it and get it. Because they get the conversation and ask what they do this, do this, get something back. But really, that person just works for the production company

and they've got a team of people who want the messaging. Smart. That's really common now. That's how they make so much money. But that's what guys are thinking they're getting as a conversation. Yeah. would just make, that would give me like the ick. Massive it. It's so sad.

Like, chatting to someone like sexual chat. Like, I do think that's inappropriate because you can chat to them. That's the difference as well. Yeah. And let me just say like, as we know, because we had Amelia on the podcast, which is a fantastic episode by they've not listened to it, go back and listen. But I have nothing against anybody being on OnlyFans personally.

This is about your partner being on Ony fans. But it's also, I think being a subscriber is not okay. And I think, being on it as what would you say like a performer what would you say well a content creator for it yes I wouldn't want to be with someone who did that either well a guy being on any fans but if I was a guy would want to be with a girl that did only fans either very much money they think yeah well this is what I said on the question was would the money suffice I think so I totally think it depends what sort of content you're

creating though and also if you've got with someone and they're already on it and that's how they're making their money then I feel like it's quite clearly not not a relationship thing for them. I know it's not anyway, right? The people that are on only fans. But they obviously are still wanting to find someone so there's no emotional connection. Yeah. So let's see what you guys are saying then.

It's a bad day if they need to pay for it. He'd be getting absolutely leathered and then dumped if he'd done this. Couldn't agree more. Probs do it if, and this is somebody saying about themselves, I would promise do it if I had the body. My boyfriend wouldn't mind, but would be a radge if he subscribed to girls. Odd, hey. I don't know.

I can understand that. Yeah. She's doing it for the money. Not for those random men of having a wank of you. I know but not for the pleasure whereas the person who's watching is doing it for the pleasure.

There's something in it for the woman. Yeah. The money? No, there's something else. She's getting a kick off. She gets a kick off people wanting her or people. Yeah.

Being dominant, isn't it almost? You're in control. Someone, if anyone listens has an only fan account as in you are the only with the fans then you need to tell us a bit more about it if that's okay. Yeah.

Or if you actually subscribe to somebody account. I'd like to know why and if you've got a partner. If you're single, I can maybe understand that. I don't imagine ever putting out money for a service like that, but I know people are different. Imagine if you're really obsessed with some celebrity and they had, because a lot of celebrities are on it

and they don't necessarily all get the tits and fanny out, but people might just get off on that. And they might be like, oh my God, it's four of 99 a month to see this person explicit content. And is it only fans all sexual stuff? Or can you actually put... I think you can have like feet and stuff on it, can you not? There's people on it for, like, non-sexual stuff, though,

that you can go on it and just be, like, behind-the-scenes content and stuff. It's supposed to be, like, I think it started as that, like, as if, like, a special fan. If you were an influencer or whatever, it was, like, another way of Instagram now do it, but at the time it didn't. Yeah.

You can pay for Instagram premium or whatever it is. It was before that happened, so it was a way of you getting closer to somebody that you followed. Then, of course, the sex industry grabs it, and it's worth a fortune. But I'll be absolutely raging if my man was paying for anyone's content, deal breaker, defo, then hard nope absolutely not

no no absolutely unacceptable end of not a bloody chance Richards wrote in when you set him on up Zoe Can you imagine me on that fucking stuff as a brick No no no

Might as well cheat Bang out of order Especially spending money on other girls Instead of on me and us True Wrong and it's basically cheating And it's usually a guy Girl they know rather than a porn star

yes very true red fucking flag would always assume a wandering eye hell no million percent no fuck that I would say this is a strong resounding fucking no from our listeners not one single person has even said that they would be okay with it I'm not surprised by that do you know what else is scary how many people do you think do watch it and add on it but their partners don't know Well, clearly hundreds of thousands, Zoe, because how much fucking money do these girls make? That's sad, fine. But there are also hundreds of thousands of men out there that are single.

By the way, I'm definitely stereotyping a man here. I'm sure there's a lot of women on OnlyFans as well that subscribe to it. Because there are a lot of men on Only Fans as well. There's loads. We are just speaking from us watching out women. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So, no one's get upset about that. Quite scary, actually.

Right, we'll get right. writing about it. Enter the funny sex stories. Have you getting any you would like to see about your show? I don't really have many, you know, as we know, I'm a heart of my sleeve, I'd tell you. But I don't really think I've been that adventurous. I've got anything embarrassing.

Things like, obviously, being walked in by my parents when I was younger. I think my sort of frisky time was when I was a bit younger. And, you know, having sex in cars and doing all the sneaking around stuff. Yeah. But, no, I don't think so, you know. Not that anything that I can think of. Me and Richard in lockdown. Do you know about this, Chee?

Because he told everybody. And I couldn't believe he told everybody, so I might as well tell you lot. We went for a walk around here, actually. He used to live around the corner. And I can't remember how the conversation came up, but we're in a certain woods. And I was like, oh, have you ever had sex?

You know, just in the woods? And he was like, no, but do you want to? And I was like, what? Really? he was like yeah come on and I thought he was joking and he was like no getting that now getting there now I was like oh my god well I've got to go through this because I'm always like all talk

he's always like you're always all talk really wind him up and then yeah we went into the woods and did it around the corner I haven't say it's like doja lot as well daylight it was broad daylight but I wouldn't say that was like it didn't feel like naughty or anything like I was embarrassed

I was like oh my god this is just so funny because I was a 30 year old person having sex in the woods with my long-term partner. Do you know what I mean? It wasn't something naughty or sneaky. I think it was when you were younger and you were sneaking about. That's when you did it in the weirdest places at the worst times, got caught or got found out and all that jazz, you know? Yeah.

No, I've got absolutely nothing to share, nor would I be sharing it. So let's move on to listeners. Right, let's start at the very beginning. It started at the very beginning. No, this one was the first one we got in and it did give us. me a wee tickle tickle for the sake. I didn't mean that inappropriate. Anyway, during sex, my partner was wondering

what I was doing to his bum hole because it was so good. Turns that my dog was licking. There's something not okay with having sex with your pets around. No, I know. I'm real like that with the cats when I'm like, get them out, they're my sons. I also feel like, and I don't mean this

like in a horrible way but they gravitate towards smells let's say right stop no but even if you don't smell down there there is a smell you have a natural smell

like yeah it's the insides of your body technique so they would I just think my cats look and they're like Dad what you doing to mum they're like traumatised

not my story as a friend, but basically she was giving a blowjob in the shower after having Subway and ended up spewing up a tuna sandwich on his dick. Thank God it was in the shower. No, that's worse because all the bits would be everywhere, any. One of my first boyfriends, we were having sex whilst his parents were downstairs. It was about midnight and the home phone rang. He paused and thought that was a bit weird, but then proceeded to put me into doggy. Within minutes his mum burst into the room whilst my ass was fully hanging in the air saying,

your nan's dead I mean I never mind I wrap myself in the covers as they sat on the end of the bed hugging and crying me thinking has he still got a boner or not that is me no no no no no

this is quite a saucy one a good sexy porn one last year me and my boyfriend went on holiday and we hired a little boat for the day horny as ever we couldn't keep our hands off each other so we started playing around which within minutes he got me bent over the front of the boat completely naked

other boats were driving past and honking their horns at our expense nearly broke the windshield as he threw thank God the anchor was secure would have given Pam and Tommy a run for their money wow that is saucy that is saucy wow someone wrote in saying

friend of mine had a little accident and her and her boyfriend were getting on she was on top she farted and followed through and it wasn't a multi-easer the exact opposite it was that bad

his balls were covered she jumped off to run to the bathroom and there was little there was a little poo trail behind which our boyfriend took a picture of

and showed all of his mates are they still together No, safe to say that ended the relationship. Oh, that's actually a shame. That would definitely happen to me. That is a shame. I feel like the embarrassing story what we said in series one was pissy pants for me.

Remember when I pissed the bed? Yeah. That's a shame. This is the worst sex story ever, girls. Years ago, drunk with my boyfriend, I got a bullet vibrator stuck up my bomb in my mum and dad's house and everyone was asleep, so I started to panic and cry. The bloody thing was still vibrating at my heart.

whole body was shaking. I'm drunk, lying on the floor thinking I need to phone an ambulance to avoid embarrassment of waking my parents up whilst he's just laughing at me, I vibrated my way to the toilet and figured if I sat on the loo, it might come out. It didn't work at first, so I panicked more and jumped up and down, making it go up more. I eventually pushed it out like a fart for it all to fall into the toilet, making the loudest racket you've ever heard. Lesson learned, dumped the boy and never put anything without a flared base.

in your boy. Oh my God. Sex story, the shortened version. I was on a girl's holiday having drunk sex with a guy on a balcony and my friend was in the room attached. The next day, she was babmer me up and saying I was being so, so loud.

I was only 17 at this point and extremely drunk so I was really mortified. The guy texted me saying it was the best night ever and asked could be me up after the holiday. We lived hours apart, lo, and only spent a few hours together so I was a bit confused. A day later,

I was in agony and bleeding when trying to poo. It turns out I was so drunk I had sat on his dick with my ass instead of my new knee and done an anal by mistake, hence why I was screaming so loud on the balcony and why he loved it so much. And I'm guessing, it's also why he wanted to meet again. Never lived it down, never met the guy again, but still have him on Facebook all these years later. They're thinking, oh, she's tight. One thing I can't understand is how anyone gets sending up their arshel.

No. It will baffle me to the day I die. Anal is a strong note from me. Yes. I was giving a guy a blowjob when he had his Spotify on shuffle say this is the kind of things that would throw me. Funky Town came on and you know that way when you walk to a beat. I want you to take me too. Funky Town!

She's giving a blowjob to the beat of that. The same thing happened and I had to stop because I couldn't stop laughing. Still can't listen to the beat. the song's same, and he's ruined Shrek, too, for me. Imagine you're starting having a blowjob to the beat of a song. Do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do. Quite, quite, quite. Do, do, do, do, do.

Isn't that the song on track? That's what she said, he's ruined Shrek to. Oh, sorry, that what she said. I have the worst sex story in the history of stories. So my horrendous ex and I were partaking in a little activity that involves both people, and it's called a certain number if you catch my drift. As I was lying there with said minga X over me I felt a little tickle on my nose

I was like what the fuck and I opened my eyes and there it was a bit of A bit of toilet roll Stook between his minging ass cheeks We're dangling down and tickling my nose I'm mortified with the bad self

Like fuck the minger has gone for my life Oh my God No. Oh, I love these stories. That's actually making me say. I've been talking to this guy for a few weeks. We had both been out that night and we're now home talking. We decided he was going to get a taxi to mine, you know, for a little fun.

He was so full of the chat, comes in like this big man. We get to the deed and well, have you heard of the saying two pumps and a squirt? Yeah, he didn't even get to pumps. And he was done. I'm lying there like, did you even start? he went downstairs for a fag and I'm just sat there like what the fuck just happened

and we never bothered trying again two pumps in a skirt well he didn't even put it in oh my god summer's real in saying she was down there and looked up at her now husband and he was sitting eating a twirl he just picked on the bedside table

so you're giving your boyfriend a blowjob and he's sitting eating a twirl he's absolutely chilling gee you laughed quite a lot of that one A boss move Interesting comment there Was once getting my toe sucked Not the actually

Sorry sorry start that again please Was once getting my toe sucked Not actually a kink of either of us But we were just feeling crazy that evening And my boyfriend stopped Suddenly and started sniffing my toe And saying he could taste garlic Long story short

I'd been cooking pasta And a bit of raw garlic must have Miss it fell on the floor and stuck to my trotters Oh my God I hate being bare feet though So I have no idea how this happened with my slippers on his breath was honking for hours They were still coming garlic toes Oh my God that's really sick on

Oh, my God. Oh, lover. I need to sleep what she looks like. Brilliant. Oh, my God, that's really tickled me. This is chaotic. I love it. Tom said, since it's been kept anonymous. Dunabut's toilet, she shot the same day as I went on a hinge date,

had a lot of gin, went back to mine, bustled around. the bag in the dark for the new lube I'd just bought. She was absolutely prepared. Used it on the guy and was like, oh, why does it smell so minty? Turns out I had taken a new tube of toothpaste out of the bag instead of the lube mortified. Friends won't let me live it down.

Oh, my God. That must have stung that bitch. One night, mid-sex, my boyfriend were interrupted when my eight-year-old son walked in the room. How old? Her eight-year-old son. Eight. Good old missionary.

Boyfriend panicked and flew down and head-butted me. head knocked out a tooth bridge which by the way was right the front of my mouth. Not only did he not know I had a fake tooth but it was during lockdown which had you know was impossible to get a dentist's appointment during this time so I had to walk around like a hillbilly with a missing tooth for the best part of six months funny now but it was greeting at the time. Oh my God that's my worst nightmare not much of it. I'll take that. Especially during sex because why did you decide to that.

Oh God that is that foot one has really choked me up. I'm going to go into the actual responses now. Are you in that one? Someone said farted whilst boyfriend went downing me. He said he could taste that it didn't talk to me for days, lull. That's happened to so many people. If I farted whilst you were down in that region, you'd be knocked out. Unconscious.

I'm sorry. Do you know what I have done, which I openly have met on this podcast, I've had a tamponster cut me because of sex. Having drunk sex while forgetting I was on my period. I know, but it's so common, because then you put another one up there. No, no, no. And then you think, oh my God. And then eventually it does start coming out, but it was so bad, Zoe.

You can get that thing from that? Toxic shock. Toxic shock. Yeah, it's so dangerous. So, so dangerous. It was the worst thing ever. I was like, what is wrong with me? What's going on? I thought I had some sort of sexual disease or something. Honestly, it's tragic.

No. Someone said that she queefed in a boy's face and who was going down on her. What does queef mean again? I think I'm like a Fanny Faw. Yeah. No, the level of mortified you would be, like, I just can't. I feel like Fanny Fought noises as well as so, like, party. The noise is so loud.

Purs Feltier. Bye. No. No. My God, I am sweating from every part that can possibly sweat on my body. Oh, here's one from a guy. handcuffed wife to four post to bed then he jumped off the wardrobe onto her

but he fell through it and was stuck so wife had to scream for the neighbour to rescue her it was the school secretary who lived next door and had to come to the rescue I would die jumped off the water sorry jumped off the walk let me just read that one more time

so you can let that sink in handcuffed wife to four post a bed Then he jumped off the wardrobe onto her. But he fell through it and was stuck. So the wife had to scream to the neighbour to help rescue her. And it was the school secretary who lived next door and had to come to the rescue. Can you imagine the scene?

I'm picturing the guy getting up into that position A guy loves wrestling off the top robe That's exactly where that is By the way so many people have said that they've been sick on dicks E! No! One time my boyfriend grabbed my hip And said I love the fucking...

I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry I love the size of your arm I would be so self-conscious forever. I've actually been bent over before getting licked out and then just farted. Why? He was down there. I was like, oh my God. We laugh about it now, but it was so cringe at the time.

My laugh is so easy today. He then was like, for fuck's sake, and carried on. So I had to go with it because I was fucking so. embarrassed but we carried on for quite a few months after that we with very good sexy maybe it works you know he wrapped to Kanye's workout plan throughout no someone said one night stand sucked my toe but he didn't know that I just did the nail removed because it was ungrown so you're sucking you're sucking a fucking bald a toe That should probably be more pleasant.

Oh, this is hard work. Period related, but someone did say that an ex-boy from it down on me. She forgot she was on a period and he was like, what's this white string? What's this white string? What's this white string? Well, didn't you be one hour? Well, he was fingering her.

And he went, oh, you're so wet. And she was on her period. It was blood. No, no. That is disgusting. I can't get on board with him. No. My face is actually soaking wet from laughing.

Got over-excited and thrusted it into the wrong hole. Never walked the same since. It can't just slip up there. It can't. Somebody had sex on off the seat in Edinburgh. Love that. I was on a fourth date with a guy from Tinder and really fancied him so I decided to take him back to mine. After the clumsiest, sloppiest attempt at a ride, I decided to just fake it to get it over quicker.

He then stopped what he was doing, patted me on the head and said really slowly. Looking into my eyes, well done, baby. Fourth date, that was. Pat on the head, no bother. Still distraught, boyfriend and I were randy early days and I was still staying with my parents when we were obviously having a great time and forgot where we were

until my dad burst in the room, turns on the light. I'm blinded and mortified at the same time whilst in doggy. Bear in mind, I was about 20 years old and my boyfriend was 22. My dad tells us to get downstairs right now and asks my boyfriend to leave. Long story short, but we're still together, but oh my God, the worst time.

of my life. Can you imagine? I would, I'd have to leave. I'd have to move out. Forever. And just never see them again. Yeah. Especially your dad. I feel like there's maybe been times that you think, oh, do you think they knew there or whatever? But I've never been like out in the open. Yeah. Having sex and someone's walked in. So I was a late teen out every weekend. This one boy I really fancied for ages. Eventually pulled him in a night out and had an empty, so took him back to mine. Both of his steaming drunk. I used to, stupidly, wear a tampon in a night out in case of being extra juicy. judge and had one and had done this night.

Anyway, got him home. Thanks for grass, we slept together. Next morning, I couldn't really remember it. And fast forward a few days and started thinking, I smell weird down there. Told you. Another day passed and it got worse. Well, I was sitting at my desk at work and felt something weird.

Went to the toilet and out pops my tampon with the condom entangled in it. Scared for life. That would smell like a dead rat. I think we maybe end up there I'm traumatised I can't really see out my eyes because they're that warm from laughing I just wanted to say there are hundreds more

but I just simply can't get through them all there's so many so many poo and sick related stories which thank the fucking Lord has never happened to me same actually I don't think never that was very interesting I feel like we're all you know loosening up a bit now we're all getting to know each other that was a roller coaster made my heart is racing I would really love to get on this podcast a sex therapist or, what would you call them?

Sex coach, somebody that coaches couples about their sex life or, you know, like that sex education Netflix program and the mom in it? The job she does. Yeah, and she does. That would be great. So if anybody knows anyone and hits up, we'd love to quiz them on everything. Well, hopefully you all enjoyed that ride. Or someone's coming in. Oh, of course, it's Richard.

Oh, it's Richie Tate. Do you want a tale Have you want to say a story of yours, Richard? No. Richard, do you want to come on the podcast? Come and say hello to everyone on the podcast, please. Be nice. Hello, Richard.

Welcome to the podcast. How's it going, girls are good? Good. We would like to know a couple things. Your thoughts on watching porn, your partner watching porn, and watching porn with your partner. Watching porn on your own?

Fantastic. Your partner watching porn? Up to them. Weirder, the better. Watching it together? I don't know. We don't have done that, but? Well, who else you're talking about?

Who have you done it with? I've done it with you other people, you know. And, you know, I'm really intrigued. I want to ask you, like, when you watch porn, what do you, what do you search? Trust me, Jess. You do not want to know. Miltf porn. Oh, I wish it just was that.

Right, see you later, guys. And that was retrocheting. That was Richard, everybody. Okay, well, we're going to leave it there then. Thank you so much for listening, member, to rate the pod, share, and tell your loved ones. And next week we've got an exciting guest. Fiona. Fiona.

Yes, next week we have an exciting guest talking all things, aesthetic and skincare. All the tips and tricks are coming out, and we're really excited to have her on board. She is absolutely fantastic. Wonderful. We're going to be taming it a little bit more than this week. But thank you so much for sending all your stories. We promise we'll keep it all anonymous. And if you have any more to share with us, let us know.

We'll make some trauma times. Okay, love you. Bye. Bye.