A Lot On Your Plate - S3 Ep14: "I Want To Lick Your Fart Box"

Episode Date: November 14, 2023

This week on ALOYP we have a quick catch up on what we’ve been up to, give you piggies a bunch of amazing small businesses to check out and discuss some seriously wild dating app stories…Happy Tuesday!! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Oh, here we go. Happy Tuesday, everybody! Hope you had a fantastic week. Happy Tuesdays. Pack the fuck up, sorry. I'm perky. How are we? You know when I say that?

I was expecting people to go, Good, thanks. Who? Maybe they actually do. They go, I'm fucking great, thank you. Yeah, I hope you answered our questions. are rhetorical. I don't really know what to say.

What have you been up to? What's been a lot on your plate? A lot on my plate physically. We went to an amazing pop-up actually with Kiwi, didn't we? And I've got some gorgeous brownies in front of me, which is going to be our spit-o swallow this morning. But we went to a Kiwi's pop-up and it was all in aid of kidney research. I think we spoke about that before, actually,

because Mel, the founder of Kiwi and Co. has dialysis three times a week Am I bashing my feet? But it just reminds me that video I made that we foot up yesterday and it was doing my fucking nutter Why was my foot doing that? It was your little dirty sock.

I know. But anyway, when we were at the Kiwi event there was loads and loads of small businesses can I just say they were incredible, aren't they? It made me realise how uncreative. We are as people. So uncreative. And they were all.

female-owned businesses. We'll actually share some on the podcast page, but we'll say some today. But Bad Bitch Bakes, I'm sure most of you who were from Glasgow, I've heard of them before because they do the... I don't know if they were the first to do the stuffed cookie or you know, the stuffed cookie craze when

all the small businesses were doing it. But it's in a very aesthetically pleasing box and it says, bad bitch bakes. We are fucking thriving, Brian. And we have some M&M ones in here and peanut butters. It says it's time to indulge you bad bitch obviously our bakes are always unreal but in our opinion these baddies are even better served warm stick them in the microwave and you'll be in gooey gorgeous heaven

if you don't inhale them all at once in brackets love the self-control hon our bakes keep for five days if you're allergic to nuts gluten dairy or anything don't eat the fucking bakes brian they don't come with an epipen and we are not liable for any deaths fucking ill I love her we love seeing your stories and help us all business to grow

please tag underscore bad bitch bakes so give them a follow thank you for choosing BBB you are the fucking baddest keep thriving

right let's dig in let's go bad bitch let's go bad bitch who's Brian it's the male version of a cardin yes oh yeah

he definitely is am I passing you it these are a couple days old, by the way, but she did say I'm the fame and it keeps for five. Mm-hmm, mm-hmm, mm-hmm, mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Yes, not right now, no.

Yes. There's one right there for him. Yeah. Oh, my God, that's got a white peanut buttercup stuffed inside it, this one. It's got, um, it's, um, moist. Isn't that word just disgusted, by the way? I know, but you know what? Sometimes you just need to use it.

There's no other way to describe that. It's so moist. And considering, as you said, they are a couple days old. They keep good. Mm. My breakfast. Well, anyway, a little shout out for you. I think she's from Paisley, you know.

So is all good bakers, have you noticed that? There's a lot cooking about in Paisley, actually. Or Paolo. Oh, yeah. One of our best friends, Carrie's from there. loads of gyms. Save Mirren. Oy, oy.

There's a great brunch place there actually. Roasters. Have you been to Roasters in Peasley? Mm-mm. You-J. Oh my God, it's so good. Big up roasters. I like them a lot. So yeah, it was a really great event, actually.

Me and Zoe did a little Q&A with the lady at Brogan at Kidney Research. And we learnt a lot about our fitness. It's about a first public speaking event. You did well as, oh. even though there was only one microphone so she kept handing it back to me like a batten but well I felt like you kept wanting to speak so you know

I didn't I was just assisting you with the mic and can you tell the listeners what you're doing on Tuesday please it's actually when this one yeah when it comes out the day this comes out Zoe Quinn as being a little boss bitch

for Quinn management what are you doing I'm a panelist at Glasgow University that's incredible and what are you doing there just talk about marketing bits but I'm the first panelist so it's all bad pressure you're going to smash it

so if anyone's there today then can you take loads of pictures over and send it to me so I can embarrass her I'm so glad you're on holiday why I'd be there like Chris Jenner at the back like you're doing great sweetie so anyway back to some of the businesses we saw at Kiwi I've just took some pictures

I'm going to look at them on my phone there was one and I think we shared them on our story but modern love store obsessed I think they're based at the barras

which me and Zoe really need to go to but oh my God the home stuff is so cool isn't it just like you know those wee quirky vassies

and candles because she had corn and the cob as a candle she did and little pasta shapes and she gave me and Zoe a Christmas

decoration and of course she gave me the aubergine emoji and Zoe a bourbon biscuit It just says everything about our friendship. I know.

And then there was one called punt pots, which was like plant pots but all hand-painted. They were really cute. Remember they had the cowboy hat and the tiddies. Then there was this other girl who I was obsessed with. Amy McFadden Design and she had loads of like to-do lists, didn't she? Alec, we can a meal planers. What was it?

I bought one and it said. A list of shit that I most probably will forget to do. I thought that is just so me. Have you written on it yet? Of course I've not. Then there was one called Luna. I think Welcome to Shop Luna, L-U-N-A. Those girls were really nice.

They were the ones with the prints. They had a nice print as well. It's like a disco ball, like I've got a body hat on. They were really cute. Oh, yeah, there it is. Took a picture of it. And they're the ones with the piggy birthday cards that you loved. Happy birthday, yeah.

And then we saw our girls at Manifestown. designs who do our little sugar paper cocktail toppers and they were there because they Kiwi heard them on our podcast how good is that I know it's such a good thing for that would be yet because everyone was drinking and we actually didn't really realise until we noticed like ours was on their display and we're like that that's you yeah that's like that's me and let's shout out simple scent the candle company loved them so much she gave us a wee box of goodies and it's like little Christmas.

You know, you used to get the bodies. Yeah, they were a thing. It's like a little tree, a reindeer. A reindeer. A little snowman. It's well cute. It smells of gingerbread. And they gave us a candle painting kit for two.

What a good gift idea. I'm going to gift that to someone. Oh yeah. I'm actually going to paint. I'm going to make them myself. But it's for two, so I thought we could use one and then gifts it's another. All right, then, fine. And then as we were walking out, there was this lovely lady.

And she was like, hi. girls and we're like oh hello she went do you want to get a welded brace of it and we were like oh well we really got one last week but yes and she went I love you podcast and she was um B 51 I think everyone knows who she is and was she not the first to do it in Glasgow she was and she was and she's like I really would love to give you a welded brace it so we got one next or other one that we got last week and it's so nice it compliments it very well there's absolutely no chance we're getting ready each other now we're well We are.

And we said to her, can she please source a piggy charm? So we're going to go back to her. She's going to get two little piggy charms. We're going to get it welded into it, aren't we? Yep. And then send you all there so we can be family. Yeah, I think everyone should get a piggy welded bracelet that we can all be together.

I'm trying to think who else was there. Liquid Oates had a stand there. Who we've spoke about on the podcast before. What about the journal that you got? Oh my God, what are they called? Mentee B, which I think is really clever. Good play on words. Not like mental breakdown, but I think it's meant to be like that,

but it's M-E-N-T-I. Menti. Yeah, it's just Menti, I think. But inside the diary it does say, like, this is Mentee B. Oh, yeah, that's cute. Well, nice. Jess spoke to them honestly for about 20 minutes, obviously, because she was so intrigued.

And the whole time, all I thought was she'll never write in this. I will. niche brow coat was there niche brow coat Laura Porter Laura Porter with fab skincare she was doing like facials and stuff Liberty and blush jewelry there was everything there was another nice wee jewelry one actually but I can't remember what they were called in fact it's coming back to me I'm sure it's Zo yes it was it was yeah they were really cute as well and niche browco gave me a lash and brown hands out of try so oh very nice wait for these lashes to brush your cheek so that's about

25,000 small business shoutouts for you there and we think that you should have a look at them for Christmas gift ideas We said that... Sick at Santa's especially, would that be cute? Yeah. We said that didn't we that next, in a couple episodes

we want to do a episode where we focus on like a Christmas gift guide so if you want your business to be shouted out or you have any issues getting a gift for somebody this Christmas let's say we're going to do a little Q&A box and you can be like right I'm struggling to get a gift

for my I don't know, my granddad or something, we can, we'll help you, we'll get together a list and we can do a big thing because we know you guys like our recommendations and we can also help some businesses at the same time. I think it'd be quite sweet. And this is definitely something we'll regret doing

because it will require a lot of work, so make sure you write in so that it's worth it. Yeah, listen, I do it every year and I have done for four years on just Jess and it takes me hours. It's you that put us off the idea before we even started it, but we've announced it anyway. But listen.

No, it's worth it, absolutely. It's good for, it's good, good, good. calmer. We're giving people business. No, I'll probably find it very therapeutic. I'm quite into that shit. I need to get the crumbs off this couch before we continue. Yeah, but then you can get the Henry, the Hoover out and Hoover after then, Hen. Anyway, that was a long-winded answer, but you know what? It was a lovely, bloody day. And did you have your strawberry tart? Because we also got a strawberry tart.

Do you know who that was from? Nope. I had half the strawberry tart and half of one of those brownies. I gave it to Adam. And I started watching scary movie. Can I, can I say, Not a scary movie. Scream. The new scream with Wednesday Adams.

You don't like it? It was shit, Zoe. We had to turn it off. Have you watched it? I loved it. Shut up. I thought that was good. It was so bad.

It was actually bored on. I thought, you're sure this is not a scary movie? You know how it's like a piss take of scream? Are you too young for that? No, I think you were having a bad day because it was actually a good film. What, were you terrified of it, were you?

No screams are shedifying, though. They're all just jumpy. I thought it was so rubbish. So we actually turned it off. All right. Yeah. So that's what I ate. I tucked into my stroby tart and watched Scream.

I went to a ball on Saturday, Scarlett's Ball. Another fantastic charity event, which you were invited to, but you didn't because you... I was busy. Got pissed as a fart. She did? Did you know? Get that clip up, gee. I did.

I did. And I can't even deny it because, you know what? I was actually hung over on Sunday at that event it was quite painful but I think being hung over takes the edge off if you're a bit nervous about something I wouldn't actually say I was nervous but you know what I mean? Yeah

it does like you're thinking about how hung over you feel so you don't think about anything else anyway I went to flight club not good that did the darts place, new darts place and it was actually really good but even as a bar if you weren't doing the darts it's really good

like it's a good vibe on the corner at George Square across from The Alchemist Oh yeah Near Doppio Malto? Right across the other side of the world Oh right okay George Square's getting quite good at the minute

It's all kicking off at George Square But yeah it was really good And we stayed there for some drinks after I can't really remember what the music situation was I think there was just music on It wasn't live or anything But it was really busy so there was a buzz you know You went in the day didn't you?

I went at fourish And we were like right through the back In a wee booth where the darts game is But what I will say right Is there was seven of us This was an odd number So each game of darts They put you into a pair automatically

Like the wee screen just does it But I ended up on my own Say we did four rounds I'm sure I was on my own for like two out of four of them Or three out of four right But I came third and I think that's quite good That's brilliant Because I've not actually played darts

ever my whole entire life but then I was thinking about it on reflection and I actually think it was more of like a process of elimination right because like I'm talking myself up but I'm talking myself right back down right because in some of the games if you you had to like get your points but once you got your points you then tried to get other people out right but I never got my full points so no one was bothered about trying to get me out okay you know what I mean yeah so then I ended up coming in like second in them but one of them I did win. I did win a game. So basically I forgot about you.

Yeah, because I wasn't a threat. I was like the underdog. Then the underdog came third. I just thought that was bad. Living steady wins the race. But I would actually really recommend that if you're in a group of people. Yeah. Because you're drinking as you're doing it. There's music on.

But then the games aren't like long, big, normal games of darts. It's like there was one that was like a race, like a wee horse race. But you just had to keep hitting. You got a number. Your horse had a number. so you just kept trying to hit that number and that would move your horse forward. Oh, that's more fun then.

Yeah, like it's fun, it's not. Yeah, not like serious starts. It's always just you need to hit what number you're given, basically. There's quite a lot of places like that in Glasgow, isn't there? Like, things you can do that are quite interactive in a group. Golf fans, it's really fun. Yeah, I like that, actually. Is that golf fang?

That's golf fang. No, but what's that bar? Is it in Q-64 or something like that? And that's a wee game bar with, like, machines and all that? And what's the one that we went into that time opposite reset yoga? in the sticks in the middle of nowhere Oh God, I can't even mean It was like a fairground in there

Is it what was called Fairplay or something It was fair play And then we've got you've got The big top golf That's quite Have you been there yet by the way No

Have you been there yet yet Not in Glasgow I've been in other places Oh That's kind of like the darts It's like the golf Yeah It's like games and stuff

Rather than just hitting ball Yeah We should go there In a little double day Or something Yeah definitely And you went somewhere where everyone is going.

Oh yeah, I then went on to Maggie Mays. So Maggie Mays has had a rodeo cowboy makeover, so they say. I know, but do you know what I will say? I have been to Maggie Mays loads of times, not for a while, right enough. But see if you didn't see that all over social media, I wouldn't even have noticed. Just the rodeo ball at the back.

Yeah, but I didn't even notice that. I didn't even see that. Because where we were, that was right behind the bar, so I just didn't even see that. Hmm. I don't know how I missed it. I don't know why I wasn't on it either. Packed. It was like Wonderbar. Packed to the brim.

Oh, but I don't know if I'd like it if it was too packed. We did have a table, though, just out of luck because we didn't get a table booked. How did you get one of them then? Someone was leaving and we just went, can we sit there and it wasn't reserved. Oh, brilliant. Right at the band. Perfect. And I kept going downstairs to use the toilet because they're bigger,

so I didn't need to wait in a queue, which is probably why I didn't see the bull. Because I didn't go over that side of the bar, you know. But it was really good. I mean, the first guy who was singing was doing country, but like a bit kind of... Time. A bit calm and I should probably say depressed and that is the right word. So I was like, right, we need the vibes lifted

and then the next band was quite good that they were doing typical things like... I don't even... I can't remember, but... Like it was a bit of a buzz, you know? Yeah. So I would recommend people to go but I don't know if there's certain nights they maybe do do more country things.

Like downstairs I'm sure it's the whole down. So maybe that's a bit of line dancing and that, you know? Oh. I think they do do that on like... say Thursday night, for example. Because we tried to get tickets. It was bloody hard to get tickets for that. Then it was our frigging live show,

the magic mic thing that they had. I went on the dot at 12 o'clock and it was sold out a few seconds. So I think they're doing like events that maybe tap more into the country thing, but see if you're just there on a Saturday night and it's really busy, you wouldn't even... It's just a busy bar, but good.

It was a good vibe. So anyway, we went there and I was there until, I don't know about 12ish or something like that and I was quite hung over the next day. Oh, God. And do you know what I was drinking the whole night? which actually makes me feel ill. Vodka, black, currant, and lemonade?

That's weird, isn't it? Yeah. But I think it's because in Flight Club I had a couple of tequila cocktails which was really good and then we were trying to put it in a big order but it was just, you know, when there's loads of people say what they want.

And you just like, oh, just go for it. Jason said he was getting that and I was like, I'll just get the same and then I just said up sticking it and the next day I had black currant dilute and juice but I kind of forgot that's what I was drinking. I was like, oh, the worst.

Do you know where I really want to go and get a cocktail? I really want to go to that Devils of Brooklyn. I've been there. I know you have. That is nice. But I've heard the cocktails are there are really nice. Yeah, they are really nice actually. Yeah, it's a really nice location.

Yeah. They've absolutely hit the nail on the head with that. But it is expensive though. And I think it depends what you're out for. Yeah. Like, see if you're out for drinks and you want to, like, you know, get a bit, that's not really big. I'm like, don't go there and spend $12 pound a cocktail because you're there all day.

Absent ear as well, that's another, that's to speak easy below the dam. And that's another like amazing, like people that go to there are really, like mixologists, they're really into their cocktails, they want to be on the top 50 bars in, you know, UK list. And I think the dam is one of them where it's so good and thought out, but it's not somewhere you would go and get rowdy at all. You're more actually there for the flavours. Yeah, you're just having the experience.

There's some good places like that, I think, in Glasgow. I think Glasgow's had a second wind at life I think Well I think it's currently happening Yeah So it should Another thing that me and Zoe We'll text each other at like 1am this morning

My TikTok feed is full of people having colonic in irrigations So is mine Just text me saying Should we get a I know The video I watched Why I was still watching it Five minutes in I have no idea

Like it was just poo coming out in the tube but I just kept watching it I watched one where a whole worm came out of her She had worms No but you're putting me off Like you had actually put me off This was in Australia like that's weird But like I think

I thought oh my goodness Maybe this would help Zoe having a bit of a bum wash It's actually concerning It what could leave my body Like I would need to say it the person doing it Like I'm not covering any insurance I don't know if something happens to you after this So I'll speak about my

my experience of my colonic irrigation 10 years ago so I went for one and I bought two of my friends who listened to this they'll piss themselves because I bought two of my friends Holly and Mel a colonic for their birthday and they stole to this day they're like why fuck did you buy a bumwash for a birthday but we all went we went to Hinckley which is a place near Lester and it was a guy an old man's house and we got there and he answered the door and I thought no no way someone's home yes not only is it not a clinic it's a man's house he was old and kind of creepy obviously if anyone doesn't know what a chronic is it's where you basically put a pipe up your bum and they they shove water in it and suck it back

out so you're washing your colon um anyway you put you take you take your panties off and you go on the bed and you put your knees up and he puts a bit of paper over you and he's like right turn over so I turn over and he sticks the pipe up my bum and he's like it's a bit uncomfortable and I thought, oh my God, this is just mortifying. Like, what the fuck? Then it starts, like, rubbing your stomach to, like, get things flowing. Guys, a broccoli stalk came out of my bum. A broccoli, piece of broccoli came out of the tube, and it was a broccoli stalk.

And I was like, oh, my God, I want the ground to swallow me fucking up right now. And were you a friend's watch, no, no, no, you go in the room on your own. Okay, good. I went first as well. And they also weight, like, they measure you before. I don't know if they do this now because it's not even about weight loss at all, but I think back then it was sold to like you lose inches in minutes and then they wait, they put the thing around you and then they do it again.

I think I lost like two inches or something of like bloating this. And then he kept saying to me, he was from when he's like, there's a lot of gas in there and you can see the tube and it was just full of bubbles. I was like, yeah, my gassy gal. So that was pretty horrifying. But I did feel good after it. I don't know if it's good for you to have it all the time, but there's a woman in Buffalo saying to you that she does it.

There's actually a couple clinics, actually, in Boisville and O'Dingston that do it randomly. Everyone in Boisland is he must love having a bumwash, but I think we should go for it. There's a few people for the gym being the one in Boisle. Oh, what do they say? Brilliant. Really?

Because it's a woman that does it there. Maybe that's why it was guys. Oh. What do they say? Just said they felt great. It just said it was just like a fresh start. I mean, it's felt good after it. Not me, by the way.

I think I'd be there for days. I do think it's meant to be good for you to have it on again. I do also think you can just feel when it's like what you've got there shouldn't be coming out and like going to the toilet. Something's been stuck there, do you know what I mean? Well, it's a weird sensation. I don't mean a physical thing, but obviously, as you said,

like gas or like a builder or something. Yeah. And it's like toxins and what I will say is when they fill you up, with the water, it does feel like you're about to poo yourself. That's the sensation that you feel like, I'm going to shit myself. And then it just, she just sucks and it just goes out of this tube and you're like, wow.

And it is brown, but not it's not like lumps of poo. The one that I watched in Tech Talk was lumps of poop. That person must have been chronically ill. You get to watch the tube and see what you do. And at the end they show you as well and you see it all floating in it and you're like, wow.

I'm not sure about this. I think I would, I think I absolutely go for it if I knew that man's size weren't fucked but the fact that I know they are makes me more nervous because I'm like this is why people go for it though are we? I know but I've said it before there could be in and there

well let's get it out let's give it a go let's wash your intestines what if is it intestines no no colon colon but what if do you think they ever put that up and people shit themselves

like you think the sensation of something going up your bum would make you like yeah no but actually shake yourself like blow the tube out I do think you need to go with I think they say to you before you need to have like and eat a little bit before and I do think you need to try and empty your bowel before you go not in a in their house but I think they do say try and go to the toilet right so there's no one in the chamber literally somebody's job is to wash people's bum they're going to expect the worst and it's not going to be embarrassing. I would really need

to scrub my bum hole before I went to that as well like I always think these things like imagine you do a wee something on your bum. I always think this with lazy you know when you have to turn around and spread your bum cheeks apart and she lazies your bum hole and I'm like listen Liz has seen so many bumholes over her lifetime I'm pretty certain why it's not the ugliest

look I know that but what I always think is if I was the person doing the treatment no matter how many bumholes fanies are anything I've seen I just think I would still be looking and judging Do you know what I mean? Yeah, but that's you. But I do just think,

I know they say that as in like a comfort thing, but I'm like, there's no way you're still not, not judging in a sense of judging a person, but just like having your thoughts on your head about the part that you're looking at. There's just no way that still doesn't happen to you, even though you're used to it. Well, I think we should go and get one next week

or soon, and we can discuss it on the pod. Live podcast for the clinic. Yes, a live clinic. And we can just say like, here it leaves. the corn of the cup because you can't digest sweet corn can you? I had sweet corn last night actually fucking else oh you're not eating good-friendly foods

I know but I did always think sweet corn was an issue but I think I've realised that it's actually not I think it's other things that I was eating with sweet corn okay, mentils that don't agree with you no they don't it's a can of soup really to be fair which I'm not having so anyway we asked you on the

Instagram on the Instagram on the Instagram on our Instagram, any funny dating app stories that you have or seen that you would like to share with us. So, I'm going to read them out. A guy's opening line to me on Tinder once was, are you petrol? Because I'd pump you in the back of a van.

Needless to say that was an instant blog. I don't think I would block that. I'd find that funny. So there. But it all depends. you need to have, if you say things like that, you need to be like what you're looking for probably physically in that moment.

Yeah. But you would need to, do you know what I mean? I like filthy chat though. No, I suppose if I wanted to have a serious date with someone, I probably would find that a little bit of a red flag. I mean, I'll just say this now. I've not ever been in a dating app, so I can't really,

I don't know, like, what I would be like on that. I have heard they're very advanced now, like you can have voice notes on it, so you can hear people's voices and stuff. I like that I just know that everyone would do something on that before the chats even started that would put me off

Yeah you'd be zooming in on their background of pictures and stuff Yeah that's what my mum doesn't That's why she's not a man Anyway we've got a voice note here I've tried to record this like twice already But I keep laughing In response to your funny messages

On dating apps I have lots but I got a message last week That said hey are you a guitar And I was like I'm not going to couldn't respond to that. I can be bored with that. And then he replied again and said,

because I want to hold you by the neck, play with you, and listen to the sounds that you make. Oh my God. That is disgusting. Like that one's too far. Men are fucking creeps. Nobody's hold me by the neck. No one.

Oh God, we've got a long one here. It wasn't on a dating app, but a boy from the same area as me was mailing me on Instagram around the COVID times when pub started opening him, but it was two hours slots only, and we were chatting for a while, and he asked me to go to his for a cocktail making date, and I said I'd go. I was recently single, and as I was approaching, I wasn't really into him, and was drinking with my friends the night before and told them I didn't want to go. So they just said to tell him, I was too hung over from the night with my pals and to get out of it easily. I told him I wasn't coming anymore in the morning, and I went out for lunch with my friends. friend and uploaded a picture of the food. He then texted me saying I shouldn't have been out for lunch if I was too hung over for the date that night. Excuse me, sir. So I wasn't really feeling him anyway, so that put me off for sure. Then a few weeks later, the pubs shut again

because of COVID. I mean, my friends were in mine drinking and posted a pick of our drinks and I was looking for a house party to go to and the same boy replied to me. Same boy replied to my story. We hadn't spoke since, by the way. He'd replied to my stories. He'd sent me some text and TikToks a few times, but I either replied days later or being dry and ignored him completely. So he replied to my story saying he was having a house party with a few of his pals and me and my friends could come round. And to come any time, he had drink, etc. Me and my friend was like, he's a bit of a pain in the ass, but we'd have taken any house party because it was COVID. So we went. So me and my one friend and I went and headed to his, got there

and he let us in and took us into his living room. Not one single other person was there, only him. I wanted to slowly pass away. So we asked him, where was all his pals? And he said, we just missed them as they randomly decided to leave. It wasn't even 10 p.m. Me and my friend sat awkwardly and he made us a drink. We were so awkward because we were sober and it was not even 10 o'clock. And we hadn't even had one drink yet.

So he made us a few drinks and after then I go blank. My friend said within a short time, I was paralytic drunk and she had to carry me in a taxi home. We woke up the next day so hungover and we were convinced he'd been pouring me really strong drinks to get me drunk what the fuck but i'm fine now but we can laugh about it that's a serial killer no that is he didn't pour you strong drinks he put something on your drink date rape in there to be to be polite yeah the intention from him there i'm telling you right now was to get them both drunk the friend passes out and he was actually chopping your body into bits

that's concerning and with covid as well you you would have got away with it probably police didn't give a fuck about anything back then did they no but also a murder your problem see if I was this girl like I'd be out to get that boy that's actually making me feel weird

funny dating story went on a first date, got absolutely rat ass fell over in the car barque in front of the date told him I could burnt the alphabet he wanted proof he got the proof he then asked me on a second date, but I finished our dating street because his hands were delicate and girly.

So it's okay for you to burp that, I'll for better, but he's got delicate hands. Delicate hands. Oh, that's brilliant. Here we go. My dad started online dating after him and my mum split up and asked me and my sister to help him with his profile. We did a full photo shoot after seeing the selfie he took from down at his belly button. Why do Dad's think that's a good angle? Loll. I will never forget all the messages from horny old grannies wanting to meet up. Some of

them were near enough 80 with white permed hair. We were shook. It all worked at the end when he met up with a lovely lady from the site in 2013 who is now our amazing stepmom. They are legit soulmates and our families just merged into one so effortlessly. P.S. Anyone's single dad's looking

for a cougar. Get on Match.com. Brilliant. That's creepy and turn. Yes. Talking to a guy years ago on Tinder for a wee while, he out the blue asks me what I drive. I told him what car I had and he responded telling me he drove a wheelchair. Looking back on his profile, the only words written were hot wheels.

And in his pics he was sitting down. But the last one, him and my friend, him and a friend were dressed up as Lou and Andy from Little Britain. And I just thought to him, getting really into Halloween and gone all out. Oh my God. Oh, fucking hell. I also had a guy who wasn't particularly interested in. Tell me he had attempted suicide one day. I spent...

Oh, my God, stop laughing. told me he's tempted suicide one day I spent the next week or so messaging him semi-regular just to check he was okay he then told me I was too clingy and he wasn't interested to sue me from being decent human

I didn't even like him What fucking app Is that getting on? Oh my God I came out of an eight year relationship And thought I'd give Tinder a go Lots of awkward, boring usual chat but one which will always be engraved in my eyeballs

is one guy compared his package to the same girth as a bottle of bastise dry shampoo. He then proceeded to send me a picture of it while holding the bottle of dry shampoo next to it. Don't know if I was more scared by the shock of the random new picture, the girth, or how he actually knew

the brand name of the bloody dry shampoo. Oh my god Why did he have Batiste? They must say it wrong here Yeah I know Dating app story I came across a friend's husband on Tinder Uh oh

After speaking to her best friend for advice I told my friend and showed her screenshots Her husband denied it all And claimed someone had stolen his Facebook profile picture My friend said she believes that And all is well The person who stole his picture Also did a good job of matching her husband's job though

The profile safety was looking for no strings Just daytime fun her husband works evenings and weekends while my friend is 9 to 5 each of their own but I'd never ever have bought that we are still friends but her husband is definitely sheepish around me if we ever socialised together

Oh that's a badging He definitely got caught out there Didn't he? Yeah well everything matches up I will be honestly though I've had about over the years about five people send me profiles of Richard Tate I'm like

mate are you on Tinder He's like it's not fucking me I'm not called Dave but I'm like, it could be. No, I know. I mean, you could get away with anything, but do people not say someone can tell us if they're on the apps, but do you not need to do some sort of like verification now? Yeah, you think you do now, yeah.

But see if you don't for them all, why not? Like, why are these apps not making you do that? Because, like, it actually is dangerous when you think about it. Very. Like, not to be, you know, a mature adult healer. But, like, you could just pretend to be anyone and, like, arrange a meet-up and then... Yeah.

Do anything? I know, exactly. Let's do a few more, shall we? These are funny. Short men, if they know you are tall, why invite you on a date? More than a heel size, no. That is true, to be fair.

Like, if you see a girl on a dating app and you can visibly see she's tall, she's above 5, 8, 5, 9, and you're a short king. But how would they be able to tell that from a picture? Or you'd least advise them to say, look, listen, I'm a 5'5 guy.

Some people just don't... I mean, I'm seeing this show. up there probably one of the most shallow people you could ever meet which won't shock anyone but some people don't care about the height thing no they don't

but what I will say is and I said this height is such a shame for guys because there are so many gorgeous looking short kings they just need to find a short queen they do and there's a lot of gorgeous short queens I mean most girls are small really

but you know if you're tall you're instantly hot gorgeous G well as a gay yeah if G was 5'4 I wouldn't think you were anywhere near as half as gorgeous it's true

no I wouldn't say you're ugly that's not what I said but I do think tallness makes men fit instantly fit don't care what you look like you're hot yeah it does I think it adds

to just the whole how tall are you G six four but that's like the dream height six four six five no that's faster at all for me no because that like I'm like looking up yeah but you are short

I'm only one and short in you sorry I've just read really funny message first message speaking right off the bat was I want to lick your fart box okay I take everything back about men they're not gorgeous he's short

yeah he's definitely short I turned up to a date with a guy called Thomas. I text when I was nearby to say I'd be five minutes and he asked me if I wanted a drink. I said yeah G&T please when I got there his jaw was swinging and he said by the way my name's not Thomas it's Tam and I've taken half a pill and saved you the other half

then showed me the half eating pill lull needless to say I left and did not touch the drink why is a guy that you're going on a date with saved you half a pill? Why would you just say your name was Thomas when your name's Tam? Why would you lie about that? That must be short for Thomas Horrific chat

But this guy was messaging my friend Got a bit spicy Then he told her He'd suck the ovaries right out of her What the fuck No I'm sorry That is vile behaviour Okay last one

A couple of years ago I matched with a guy on hinge Like me He was a doctor working in the west of Scotland But we were different ages And had never come across Each other in a hospital So I thought nothing of it

we chatted for a couple of weeks but it came to nothing fast forward several months and i'm at an advanced life support course there was only six in my group but this one guy looked so familiar i was full of nerves so didn't have time to think where i knew him from instead spent the full day doing CPR and life support working closely alongside him when i got home i searched for the familiar guy on facebook and instantly recognised his profile picture from hinge the guy i'd been doing CPR on all day was a guy i chatted to a on Hinge just months before. I was so embarrassed. I think my heart almost stopped when I discovered this. To make it all worse, two months following the ALS course I turned up to a new job induction

and guess who had also had the same rotation as me, we spent the next four months working together and eventually could laugh off the situation. Oh. I'd have to leave my job. Yeah, but at least you didn't know when she got there. At least it was awkward when she finished. Imagine that happens with your CPR on a man

that you've been chatting to dirty on Hinge for months. Oh my God. die. Embarrassment. I wouldn't he like fake a faint. Anyway, that's it for me. You got any more? No.

No more for me. You're the chatterbox today. Yeah. So he said I had to read them all out. But I've never had any dating app stories, but there was one time where I got sent, I've been sent a few times, screenshots from girls where guys have wrote in there,

there must be a bit about them where they're like what I like to do or what you could do for me. Oh, yes. Do you remember this? It's like just just food's like my dream. girl or like if you can cook me a just just just food you're on to winner and I think then put that in because they know

girls know what it is they're like oh I'll just get them just to like me swipe is it swipe right because they think I can cook I like it's quite a kind of like oh that's quite cool they know who she is as a guy but cute something like if you can make me just your sausage pasta

we'll go on a second date I'm good on them I love that for them I love that for you yeah I do Anyway, see ya. Thanks for listening. Have a lovely week and we'll see you on Freaky Friday. Bye!