A Lot On Your Plate - S4 Ep8: I queefed in front of my bf's dad

Episode Date: April 2, 2024

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Happy Tuesday, everybody. What did you do there? Did you see that? I went to wave and I went... Hi guys, sorry I just knocked myself out there. That's the most pathetic way I've ever sucked it. I think it's a bit weak. Welcome back to Lawn Your Plain.

Welcome back, guys. It's kind of chaos vibes today, I would say. I really hope it continues to stay chaos because we're in for a ride on this episode it's going to be literally hopefully funny ha ha no what's that guy on tics up he goes can't wait for this episode

ha ha ha it's going to be well funny ha ha ha well if you'll have watched last week and seen our stories we're here we're back for sex part three

embarrassing confessions disasters fetishes and what's a shame as nothing's changed on like our part because we're still in long-term relationships. Missionary.

Still just lying in missionary, doing fuck all. Still just taking no giving, do you know what I mean? I mean, I don't think that would shock a single person in this world, but anyway. What's funny is we're not even lying. It's all truth here. Oh well. Anyway, we'll start off by saying. We have now some gorgeous fresh flowers delivery for mud in our gorgeous strawberry vars here.

Zoe, would you like to say what they are? Narcissist. Not narcissist. Narcissist and tulips. Chilips. Chilips. Chilips. Chilips.

We need to just refer to our friend Molly wrote in the chat. Like, Zoe, why do you say herb? And we're like, surely to fuck. I'm taking the pest. You know that's panter. Herb. Herbs, like everyone else. But also, if you've not watched Jelly Isabella, our friends, TikTok on tulips, please do.

Yeah, because that's what we're referring to right now. Because that's really hilarious. We have a two pence piece in the bars there which makes them go, whoop. It takes a few hours to be fair, sometimes overnight, but they'll be upright and erect by the morning. Arect. That's very fitting for today's episode.

Exactly. However, can I just quietly say that I like a droop to. Chulip. Yeah. They have a little bit of an effect, but I think it's because they've got some other erect things with them that it maybe looks slightly odd. But you know when we got the bunch together, how it arrives, they were truly beautiful, by the way. If that turned up at your doorstep, we'd be thrilled.

Yeah, I was like, they're so unique and different. And we're going to have, yes, some really nice seasonal flowers in here every single week, so we will describe to you what they are, so that was a nice little touch. Quite like educational, I would say. I don't know anything but flowers. Same. Nan would be proud because she loves a garden. Love that.

We've also got a sparse wall today that was a gift from our producers. Marie. Hi. Hi. So, if you remember from last week's episode, we said there was a box of cereal that I've seen that was purple in the shops called The Best Serial. This is the Best Serial. And please read out the claim. Yeah.

So remember we said that this surely that has to have some sort of claim to it? claim to it yeah quite clever a star disclaimer apparently we have to make it clear this is just our opinion and is not a proven fact but give it time dot dot dot I like that a lot and I've been resisting trying it so by the way 30 grams is only a hundred cows although I hate that on cereals 30 grams is fuck all that's about five bits of cereal fuck all I would say you need at least 90 grams of cereal there's a problem right there's a problem right there's also fibre low and saturated fat and apparently it's from the boys um created by the side men apparently they're a big thing on

YouTube so yeah we're coming for you apparently aren't we KSI crew you get enough milk there I know so I can dribble I know but I just thought we'll have one yeah yeah I suppose not you want 90 grams on I wouldn't say no. Right, here we go. A bit of ASMR. Quite dark, isn't it? No, we need milk without.

Right, right, Mr. KSI. Let's see if you're worth your millions, mate. Where if you're weight in gold from the best food blogger in the world? It's very crunchy. Mmm. The best or not? Absolutely not. Can I just point out that I'm really good at sharing with you?

You are. Because I don't really like sharing spoons and bottles and stuff like that, but I feel like it's just something that I've had to overcome. But I'm hoping you're going to say the same thing as me. The crunch is really nice, but... No flavour. Yeah, there's no sugar hit at the end. They obviously are low sugar.

So there's only five grams of sugar in it, like barely any fat, barely any calories. But they haven't really marketed that on the front though. So, oh, it just says low and saturated fat there. But you can tell, do you know what I mean? They taste like skinny cereal. Mm-hmm. but then it's not the best but it's but i'd eat it it's delicious i would eat it i do love a crunchy cereal do you yep and the chocolate's very subtle but i quite like that

mm i couldn't have a bowl of cocoa pops in the morning i don't think yeah they're nice bold claim though guys you know they've got that much of a big ego that they're like you know what boys let's just claim that they are the best in the world give a foot what anyone says all cereals about bland you think about it though have you seen there's a kit cat cereal yes I'd like to try that as well. Same. Speaking of chocolate, I tried the options vegan hot chocolate and it was well nice.

A bit of oat milk, hot water, 47 cows, I think you said, I said that cheese as the same as the normal one and it just tasted just as good. See, I don't put milk in mine. Do you not? No. I just like it to look a little bit creamier.

No, I know. I think I would, like, if I was out and about making one but see, like the options to me is like and being good. Yeah, so you just have the hot water. I also think I put milk in it to cool it down so I can drink it. I like separate weight, try and make it last longer. I hope that's a bad of dairy milk instead, you know what I mean?

I was saying to Zoe yesterday, I fucking hate this chat, honestly, so much. But I started to track food on my fitness pal. Again, I haven't done it for years. And I've stressed on this podcast multiple times before that I personally hate doing it. hate not depriving myself of food but I just hate having to calculate what I'm putting into my body just removes the enjoyment for food for me so much however I am not either eating enough of the right food enough protein and I'm definitely overeating some days so I'm trying to like dial it back in and I think it's so important to do my fitness pal at some point in your life to have a good

indication of what everything is but I'm not a believer that you should do it all the time I think unless that's your thing you're not really into food then fine but as a foodie I it is anyone that listening will know it's just the worst thing for you because you just like oh oil fucking 200 calories but I'm not having a salad without that gorgeous dressing I'm not going to do it no that's miserable yeah so I think as you said it's more good for like education on like nutrition as in makes sure you eat enough protein and yeah I know it doesn't say vegetables but you know what I mean good fats and all that sort of thing it's more if it's not just about calories it does the benefits yeah but I do need

to diet and I need to I need to all this fitness and stuff that I'm doing at the moment I need to take good care of my body better and just by doing that and visually seeing what I'm doing it just makes me think a bit more and whilst on that topic we have a very exciting guest coming on next week which will be that will answer all these questions in a professional manner so I think that would really helpful I'm excited about that same um so So Enri, what's been a lot on your plate, Jessica? Which one do you want first?

Physically, please. Okay, so I've been on my own since we last spoke because Rich has been away in Tenerife. So I've been cooking a lot for myself, which has been lovely. I had quite a little bit of work on where I had to cook a lot of meals, so I've been eating them. They're all coming soon to my Instagram, and one in particular, I ate it again last night was so good.

It's a fake-away version of Wagamama's Firecracker Curry and gorgeous. I really liked that content Did you? Yeah, I was quite impressed Zoe obviously gets to see and approve all of my content before it goes to the big boys

Marager Yeah, she has to let me know her thoughts But did I speak about the lasagna I made last week Because I definitely told the guys here about it I'm not sure actually if you did Yeah, I made a veggie lasagna as well Which was incredible So when all these come out

Every single one that I made is amazing So I'm looking forward to you guys seeing that It'll be mid April Mid April, yeah You know, and all budget friendly. And then, so on Saturday I went to the gym with my friend Rebecca because that's who I'm doing high rocks within three weeks in Berlin.

And we went to Southside. She lives in Southside. And there's so many things on my restaurant hit list in my notes. I don't know if everyone has one of them, but I have one. And a lot were around Southside. And it's just somewhere where I don't really tend to go unless I went to Jack Baxter salon. He's no longer there anymore. So I don't really venture that way much.

I know I feel like it is quite forgotten about unless you live there. Yeah. I've brought up there. Agree. People just tend to go west end. Yeah. And actually I would go as far as saying I prefer the south side. Southside's got some amazing spots by the way.

So I went to, I started off the day by going to a place called 288. Oh, bear with me one second. Restaurant hit list. 287. And it's a bakery that is only open on Saturdays and Sunday. days and apparently they were one of the most original bakeries years ago and they've sort of reopened, re-branded, a husband and a wife, really gorgeous, pastries there, I really recommend that. Then we went across to Burnfield Bakery, which you love as well.

Yeah, I went there the other day. Yeah, so good. Remember I got you that pastry that time for the podcast? I got just, um, what the fuck did you call it, a chocolate one? It's out my brain. A pan of chocolate? Yeah, I got that other day and it was thick a bit of of chocolate. You know, it's something it's just a drizzle and you're like, not enough. Big thick, best, I loved it.

Do you know what chocolate they used in the quassette that I had? Bare-bones chocolate. Have you ever had some of that? No, but I've heard of it. Yeah, it's a local chocolatier in, near, not far from the barrow, it's like near where Outlier cafe is.

I know we are. Yeah. Anyway, so I went there, but I didn't have anything and I thought it's in the window, but it is definitely one of the best bakers if not tried it. Then we went across to Lobo, L-O-B-O, and that is bang opposite, and we put our name down for a last-minute reservation. It's a small plate Mediterranean-style restaurant, really, really gorgeous.

We went there, but whilst we waited for our reservation, we went across to Luna, which is a new cocktail bar. Again, quite hipster. Mixologists know their shit, like it's proper cocktails. And they just launched her spring menu, so we had one. there really good doggy friendly so had our reservation stuffed at this point as you can imagine but I said I want to do a food tour I know I'm thinking we're doing a food tour like before the reservation but I'm quite here for them but I only had the quasson at this point right okay I never had anything at

Birminghamfield I only had a cocktail so it's at this one I had a quass on a cocktail small plates then went to where we spoke about last week where you love gelatasa or whatever it's called definitely worth the hype guys. I'm quite disappointed you don't get a hot chocolate. I couldn't Zoe. I genuinely was stuffed and I thought I really want a dessert and a dessert to me was an ice cream. But that. Well another time. Yeah. I thought that. I thought I can have that another time but I went for this honey roasted cashew nut ice cream gelato. Unreal guys. That sounds like so

different and I just, the whole decor inside it is really nice isn't it? Yeah it's cute in it. And then there's loads of nice little shops there. Um, they're There's one called BAM, which is a vintage shop next door. And there's another one called Allure, I think. Also, we need to tell everyone that... Yes. Potluck's coming back. Potluck is back. It's back.

It's called Potbelly. It's called Potbelly. It's called Potbelly, and it is at the old sacred tacos, again in Southside. So it's no longer gone? Yeah. And then another place on my list was Godshot Studio. I think you've wanted to go there before with me as well. They do read a nice Japanese...

uh, bakes and matchers. But we, I just couldn't... Oh, and macarone, macarons, macarons? Macarons, I think I would say. But they, um, but I could, I physically couldn't put anything else into my body. No, we're full at this point. Also, can I just say I've never tried to match her? I genuinely think you would think it tasted like earth.

I like grass. But I've heard the blank street one is nice. Do you know, Zoe said to me the day that the worst thing about me is the fact that I like bubble tea. There's just something about that that really bothers me and shock no surprise. My troll will enjoy me moaning with this but I

just don't get, there's just something no right about that. It gives me like something fake that's in movies. Like it just doesn't give me real life. Yeah I know what you mean. My little sister got me into it so that just says everything about it. It's just weird. But genuinely the brown sugar bubble teas taste so good.

and there's one, a place in Glasgow called Cup, C-U-P-P, and they do an amazing one, and there's one on Great Buyers Road at the bottom that does the most amazing Biskopf brown sugar bubble tea. Oh, with oat milk, so good. I can't put into words, but I can guarantee you a lot of people are going to message and say they agree. Oh, they will.

It's the ick. I don't know if the ick's the right word. It's just a really young Gen Z thing, I think, or a completely different culture that we're just not used to. It's just a strange concept to me Yeah But I do agree with you That on that

But when my sister made me try it Because I was like Ear because she has the juicy ones Like the peach one That's worse than like a coffee vibe for sure And I was like No Zara I don't want to try it And I was like actually that's well nice

Interesting And that's it Zoe to be honest with you But I just thought whilst we were just quickly talking About the places that I went Let's talk about a few new openings That we've spotted or we can shout about quickly. Go for it.

Do you want me to start? Yep. Okay. So there is a taco truck in Dumbarton that everyone's shouting about on TikTok. Have you seen that? Yeah, we were going to go to that other day and mind but we chose a closer option.

Where did we go in? Well, we were going to Naked Soup and then I crashed my car into someone. Oh, you know, so you did. Which was really fun. And everybody sat outside of Naked Soup saw this happen. It was mortifying and you only scratched it.

I only scratched the car, like it's really not that dramatic. But I'm yet to know how we're going about fixing this because the guy's not really confirmed yet. And he's quoted a ridiculous price. Horted me 500 pounds to fix a scratch, which I'm not paying. So that was really fun. Hairline scratch, can we say? Like hairline. Yeah, you could probably fix with a bit of boiling water in my opinion.

Anyway, and he's text me, he did mention that it was like a BMWX1, like I know I saw it. I mean, like Camden. Anyway, so then we were a bit mortified to went to Naked Soup after the whole drama. So we went to homemade. Yeah, well good. Well good. I had this French dip, where you dip it into the French onion graviant. Wow. Do you know there's like a chicken? 7,000 sticker taps on that homemade when I posted that because it looked that good. No wonder, it was brilliant. I just had a chicken salt and a Chipotle, like, Slough slightly spicy one and that was delicious as well yeah just find all that like mess like it was quite a messy sandwich I'd be like yeah but in like a place you know

her man owns Frank's pizza and I've never tried that either does he yeah right I've never tried she shared it on a story and I was like oh my god that looks so good and she went I'm biased but it is the best and I was like wait what's the connection yeah so anyway another place that I thought we could talk about so Dunbart and Taco Truck I can't remember what it's actually cool, but if anyone lives that way, you'll have heard about it. It's meant to be one of the best Mexican tacos ever. I've got potbelly on there. We've got Hemorrhys in Southside, another one I really want to try.

Another new pizza place that looks super cool called Caesar's Social. That's just opened. I've not seen that. Yeah, it looks really cool. Now, in terms of other places, me and you went to somewhere really cool yesterday. Or we went to a new yoga class. Zen vibes and I really enjoyed it

it's in Hamilton called House of Yoga so it's a wee local number but I just feel like I used to be a bit funny about all that breathing nonsense right but I feel like I quite like that now you know when they say like really think about your body

like just take it all in and get rid of all those thoughts I like it when we did that and she went right and put your finger to your thumb and lock in the energy and for some reason in my head i was locked in i felt locked in did you i was like is this in my head or am i being hypnotized i was locked and keith thrown away yeah but you know what it wasn't even that the stretches were not too repetitive there were deep stretches we felt amazing enjoyable her voice was beautiful i actually know laura used to go to um fly fitness together and she um i didn't realize this until

yesterday but used to work at hot pod yoga which is definitely my favourite style of yoga they kind of cut to the chase it's less of that hum stuff the breathing's forced like i'm saying i like the breathing but as in i can't hear anyone else breathing because everyone's just taking deep breaths and exhaling yeah when people start like grunting stuff that's too much for me like that's remember that angry dragon that i made that richard did yeah like that that's too much no it's forced Then another one, our boxing guy who we go to every single Wednesday without fail before we record this podcast.

This was week seven, can I just say? Seven weeks of consistency, unseen, unheard of from us. And it's going to be called 90s, the word. And it's very like 90s style boxing, spit and sawdust, even though it's not like that inside the gym, it's very boutiquey, brown leather bags, but retro, it's super cool. He's got such a nice vision for it, isn't he?

I would say like picture rocky, but like in 2024, do you know what I mean? So basically it means I've been having one-to-ones in the gym where it's going to be, but it hasn't been fully built. So he's now officially opening in April to do 90s, but classes. We haven't been to a class yet. We've only been paying for him just to have personal training. But yeah, so it's going to be classes which we can't wait for. We're going to join in hopefully on some of them as well. For sure.

Another one is the Charlotte Tilbury store. did I invite get lost in the post darling Charlotte darling because we've punted your flawless filter on this podcast for years and I think that's actually shocking behaviour same I just feel like we would be a real asset to that opening night

me we wear it every day but but um fine you know what fine but Karen Street I'll get mine online yeah for my elsewhere that's not a bother and last but not least

we're going to see it next week we'll let you know our true reaction but we've heard amazing things there is a new social hub opening it's called sorry the social hub there's what I think it's in Amsterdam but this is the first one in the UK and the guy that owns it's actually Scottish

there's a few I think yeah Europe we San Sebastian place that I really want to go to on holiday this year so do you know why not here but yeah they have opened in Glasgow as well so we'll let you know more on that

but really cool co-working spaces, office spaces, so we're going to go and check it out for a potential little space to work once a week and we'll let you know. Rooftop garden. Yeah, I think that would be really cool actually. I'm quite excited to see that. Yeah. Anyway, sorry Zoe, I've dived on quite a bit there, as always.

There's nothing really been that worth to mention on my physical plate, to be honest. I went to Kapau, had the corn ribs, I just don't think they can be beaten. Amazing. I do think the caramel chicken is really nice. well but the corn ribs are just a firm favourite for me but the caramel chicken they change it from breasts the thigh and it never was as good no it isn't yeah right there they also had it in wings format at one point as well which was just a huge mistake anyway I also have been cooking more like I feel like I'm overcoming the big bad

bridge of not enjoying cooking yeah I do feel like you're cooking quite a bit recently same because it's caused Jason's now a four-day week but until 8pm every night Monday Thursday so I'm kind of dinner duty as much as I can be which is fine but I cooked for his family at the weekend

it was just spaghetti meatballs right but I made like my own sauce and everything which is quite good for me and they thought it was really delicious we also made your pizza petters

which are coming soon yeah but you didn't make the bread though no but who's making the bread so it's literally Greek yogurt and flour oh who can we fuck not me right so it's not my Greek pitters

but you got inspo from it one step at a time we just bought pittes and put fucking tomato-pouring and basil on it and put it in cheese and put an air fry right that's a great late night snack if you're like yep and it's also a great quick meal like see if you've got nothing in

we've always got pittas in the freezer because jason needs them quite a lot socied I try to think what else have made you a salad yesterday you did make me a salad actually anyway nothing else has really been on my plate what I've been up to is at the weekend I went to see my wee sister's dancing show

and I need to discuss this in depth so my wee sister goes to dance college and this is her graduating this year she wants to be on the crew of ships and that so if anyone can help us out hit me up right which good anyway she's like living the dream that I had that didn't do you know what I mean she is really good dancing by the way

she has a good dancer anyway I went to see that with my grand and Ruby's other grand and I just can't cope with the three-year-olds because they do musical theatre at this place as well so it's like all the singing and acting

and all that I can't quote with the three-year-olds being like like singing with attitude and they're singing like quite adult songs if you're not looking at if you're listening to us

Zoe's got her hands out aggressively wafting them in front of her face but you know like when someone goes like oh no you're daring type vibes like that and that was just making me really die what they're doing that on stage on stage and I was just like right you are good because

you've got like personally I used to dance act and sing with a face like thunder again no shock right but and that I wouldn't have succeeded in that line of work because of that however there's just a fine line I would say and I think it's when it's the age it just makes me go out in a dark hole and want to stay there yeah but also what I really loved about it is there was quite a few boys involved and I'm like good for fucking on you son right and a few times they had the boy and like a different sort of costume thing and then they got him to do like a wee bit on his own and everyone pure cheer drum and honestly he must have been three years old oh and he did a

wee like soldier's uniform one oh that was really cute so where was the dance show um theater royal oh so quite a proper one then yeah it was she does do them quite proper like it is like a proper dance like musical theatre school thing um but anyway i just had to discuss that because i want to know if anyone's kids go to dancing and they're a bit like and they're under five can i get a video with them please dancing because i think it's funny i feel like if i was watching kids on stage i like that personality out there attitude because you're obviously watching them more than the other ones in the corner no i know like that's what i mean like there is something good about it but i think it's more when it's almost feels well

above their age yeah I'm kind of like oh no they're told to dance like that aren't they no I know it's no their fault yeah but I was just laughing at like that should some of them have but at the same time I think if you actually go down this route as like I can either whatever you will do well because you're not scared to yeah have that whereas I was just so like I'll be honest I was a pretty good dancer but I would never have I would never have gone where I would want to go because I just don't have the you didn't want to be center retention I don't have the facial expressions and anything like that. Yeah, I know what you mean.

Yeah, there are people that are just really good when they're just mouthing stuff because I'm obsessed with watching those videos of dance schools in London where they all just like freelance together, is it? What's it cool? Where they just freestyle, sorry, not freelance, freestyle together. And then everyone's like in the side like, woo, cheer them on.

You don't even need to be pure smiling the whole time but it's more just almost like feeling the music and I just didn't have that part in me. Hip-hop music. No, it's a mix, like tap, ballet, everything. But it's just kind of like having that motion of like lifting your eyes at the right time and all that. And I was just about... I'd love to be able to dance.

You know, like diversity in that on X Factor. I think going to one of their like dance school school. I was better at like... Like modern stuff, yeah. Oh no. Anyway, we digressed quite a lot there. Should we get into the topic? Yeah, baby.

Sexy, sexy, sexy. times. Yes. Right, let me get all these. We've not read the messages by the way again. Because we like to give you our live reaction. Someone just wrote into the Patreon chat there. A day late listening to the pod but we have fritters in Manchester but we just call them scallops instead,

not to be confused with the fishy type and now I'm absolutely starving and want a chippy at 11am. I didn't know that. We definitely don't have them down where I live unless I want a chippy. I'd love a chippy right now. Chippie is good. right anyway let's get crack-a-lacking right I'll start it off here we go I don't know if my first time was my first time dot dot dot how is such thing possible anyway so I was on holiday pished as a fart and ended up in the toilet with the PR guy from the bar I was

drinking in oh yeah things were getting saucy and everything was a bit bloody but I do remember him whipping out what can only be described of one of those wee blue pens you get from the bookies length and and width. Like a pingo pen. I like you know the wee lottery pen. Yeah. Tiny skinny one.

And thinking what the fuck is that? Bearing in mind this was the first penis encounter I had so nothing to compare but knew this was not normal but thought fuck it is what it is so carried out and enjoyed myself best. I could then five minutes later his trousers are back on and he's like I need to get back to work. I'm so confused what you're talking. This is actually quite revolts on. But moral of the story is. is did the bookie pen actually entered my vagina or was it just his skinny wee

fingers because I honestly couldn't have felt the difference no sorry I don't like that story that's actually vile it's not actually a bookie pen so he didn't actually whip anything out what she's saying is his wellie was like that oh sorry I thought you but he got a pin out really small and skinny ew ew for info I'm not I'm definitely not class and this is my first time oh that was your first time honey like I feel like without giving too much a way of like past experiences then I've never really been like whoa at the Willie either way and I'm quite thankful for that because I just would really quite struggle to

continue the experience again either way anyway moving on willie I'm all for a bit of spanking but I was shagging this Italian guy in holiday and he started slapping my face what I don't think that's all okay I think that's quite a concern right one time I went a drive and this is in I'm doing those speech mark things with my hands with a Tinder and ended up in a dogging spot obviously I didn't know that's where he'd taken us so we started getting down to business

and the car steamed up and cars started beeping and flashing our lights to us I said to the guy I think they're trying to tell us something eventually I see the police driving up and the not so far away distance and the guy was telling me it wasn't them I quickly shoved my clothes back on and so did he about a minute later we got a knock on the window

and said police ask us what we're doing all the other cars had just driving away by this point. The guy said we were looking at the view as it was like a car park in the sky scenario and the police said oh really as you couldn't see anything from the steam. I was mortified. Then the police said is that weed we can smell and asked us to stand outside while they searched this guy and his car. I didn't know if he was dealing it or what was it was only my third time meeting him and first time in his car as the police searched him and the car they must have

seen how fucking raging I was from my face because one of them could over to me and said don't worry I don't need you ask what your job is as he took my details I'm a secondary teacher so thank fuck or I would have died safe to say I never met this guy again or ever messed about in a car again after that lucky escape this happened when I was about 24 so this guy was a weed dealer and also shagged in his car so did he get caught with all the weed in it if they could smell it sounds like a bit sounds like no that's a good job that she was visibly fuming as well because they could have been in a really bad mood with her and were like right what's your job and ruined everything for her and

okay see really if you're involved in the situation like I think it depends if the police are assholes or not yeah and involve and continue to involve you yeah yeah do what I mean right anyway next up it's quite a long one right first of all she said I actually can't believe I'm going to share this but SOS so strap in so my husband and I were on our honeymoon in Florida Keys we actually got married over there and spent the month there

travelling around the state we finished off our last couple of nights in Key West southernmost point of the US never heard of it as we drove to our hotel my husband and I said to each other you know we haven't really got steaming the whole time we've been here so we checked it and dumped her suitcases

and headed to the nearest place for margaritas side note I took like $250 out of a cash machine for the last couple days and put it in my purse. This must be connected. We skipped dinner and just bar hopped from 3pm until midnight. I was so full blackout drunk and fast forward we woke up in our hotel

room. It was like something from the hangover all around our hotel room where dildos, butt plugs, anal beads, vibrators and sexy underwear. I was like, where the fuck of these all come from? I checked my purse and see my $250 it's still there. If it's

still there and it's gone. paper someone to come I said to my husband fuck with being robbed and he was like surely not then I find two receipts in my purse wait for it from a sex shop for a thousand dollars which is like 900 pounds 900 pounds of fucking sex toys made up of 250 dollars cash payment $350 on MasterCard and $400 on my Amex I bought the same sexy lacy outfit seven times in different colors our hotel room was like something I of a porno. I could not believe I'd blacked out junk spent this in a sex shop. We started to get flashbacks the rest of the day and I remember my husband passing out and two

drunk to have sex. So here I am, opened every single toy and went to town with them. Safe to say going to the airport flying home. I had the total fear. I had so many toys stuff in my bag. How did she get that back? And then she sent a, she's sent as a receipt of them all. No, she's not. One's called embroidered, one's two-packed, one's two-packed baby doll, one's anal beads, one's body kisses, super slim, bubble butt, purity blush, floral

lace, candy shop. And the time at 12 a.m. That's brilliant, by the way. I would have loved to have seen the cashier Joy's face. They'd be like, yes, commission.

See, on a nice. like that, that's when I wish we lived in the Truman Show and everyone was getting these things on camera. Yeah. Oh, when you have to piece together a night after, it's just, the flashbacks are hellish. Do you not think there's part of it when it's with

your best pal or with like your boyfriend or whatever? It almost gets you worse a wee bit because I'm kind of like was I being so bad in front of you who will remind me of that forever. Yeah. Whereas other people will just forget because they don't really care about

her fucking out here's one small one not my story but my friend was pumping her boyfriend in the spare room of her parents house in a wild very naky position when they realized they were they were pumping in front of the baby camera monitor actually imagine no I would die I've said it before I just couldn't go on after something that happened to me never I'd find it difficult Oh, right. You just opened that one there. Yeah. Wait, let me read it.

Right, go for that. I only saw the first part. It used to be common practice. It used to be common practice that when me and my ex would have sex, I'd do a massive queef afterwards for good measure. One day, we did the deed, then had to head out in a rush so my standard procedure quiff didn't get a chance to make an exit. He lived with his parents, so after quickly dressing, we were saying bye to his, no, we were

saying bye to his dad, who was downstairs, I then let out an almighty quief, which I can only assume I can only assume his dad thought was a massive fart. There was no TV on, no background music, nothing to cover the sound of air exiting my flaps. Is that just continue to stare at me? Most embarrassing moment of my life. Oh my God. Oh my God. That's the best one yet, by the Oh, just the way she's worded that is flipping iconic. All I can say is, at least it's quite similar to a farm. Yeah. Sort of noise.

Yeah. And I mean, it's not really like smelly like a fart either. It's just, it's just air. I'd still collapse the ground. I would collapse it, especially because he thought it was a fart. Like, what's worse? I imagine as well, having sex and you're both just waiting for her to queef. I know, is that kind of like,

hit good job sort of practice here. I don't. I wouldn't want to do that. That gives me fart and energy. No, same. Right. Anyway, next up, lesbian version of a sex story.

Yes, here we go. You'll like this. Me and my ex-girlfriend at the early stages of our relationship were chilling in my room at my parents. My mum shouts up that her and my dad were going out through a bit and we'd be back in a while. She asked me a favour to watch the ham joint that was bought. boiling away downstairs for a dinner. I agreed, and topped up the ham and some water to keep it going.

Meanwhile, I go back upstairs and me and my girlfriend get to making out, etc. One thing leads to another and I'm going down on her. Things are going well, then I notice she's been a bit off. I stop and ask if she's okay. She agrees, so I continue. But then she starts sniffing and says, can you smell burning? Obviously I cannot, but then I suddenly remembered about the fucking ham joint I'm meant to be ham sitting. the ham sitting's got me

Ham sitting right best part of the story um fucking I've lost my place oh did you hear that I'm getting tense because I roll the sex chat with the lesbians

I jump up absolutely naked swing open my door and it's just smoke I run through the smoke at this point the fire alarm starts to go off I run downstairs turn off said burnt ham Get a chair and a dish towel. I'm up on the chair in the absolute scud waffing this towel at the fire alarm.

My girlfriend comes downstairs in clothes unlike me still naked. I'm still laughing. Everything out to sea. Bare arse. Tits flying everywhere. Panicking on this chair. Praying for the ham.

Finally, alarm goes off. We check the ham. It's bad. My girlfriend makes it her task whilst I put on clothes to cut all of the burnt bits off and said it would be fine. We put it back in the pot.

It's looking better. we hope for the best. Mum and dad come home, we speak no word, end result, we had a lovely ham dinner, mum said it was the nicest time she's ever had. There you go. The ham sittin. The ham sitting.

Oh, the tale of ham sitting. Okay, oh God, right. My pal that I lived with when studying in Aberdeen was seeing this guy, hot and all that. We all fancied him. Anyway, slept with him, and when he was finished, when he was finishing, He finished on her belly, and then licked it all the way.

So, like on purpose, he licked his own cum from the bottom of her stomach to the top. So she told us, and we were like, what the fuck? Maybe he was extremely drunk and thought it was hers, blah, blah, blah. So she slept with him again, and he did the exact same thing, absolutely barking, obviously liked the taste of himself, and that was the last of him. That is honestly veil. Why would you... Stuff like that makes me actually shiver.

I need to understand the benefits of that. Right. I went to my boyfriends for dinner one night. We were making chili together. He was on chili chopping duty. We had some time to kill whilst we were waiting on everything cooking and also in the early stages of a relationship. So obviously we passed time in the bedroom

where things got pretty spicy in capitals, literally. He had obviously not managed to completely get rid of the chili from his hands, from his hands and I somehow ended up with a very tingly vaj. I'll be honest, it wasn't the worst thing to start off with, but quickly progressed into what felt like a full-blown forest fire in my nether regions. I tried everything but it only seemed to get worse, so it ended up having to sit with peas on my vagina all night and too traumatised to eat the chili.

No. Closing peas in the vagina. We've had a few cooking disasters. The garlic trusses were the same where they dropped it on the dyes. Love that. I once had sex with a fireman and he kept purring at me like a cat. I met him at a Pilates class who says it all really. My fucking God.

Wade one might stand he stopped for a fag. I mean, how long are you going for that need a fag break? That's what I need know. Right, hubby going down to me, I'm about to come. I'm about to come tell him harder. I find it hard saying things like this. But he's also playing with my nips. So he actually pulls harder on my nips

and my milk squirts all over the place. She's got in brackets and desk feeding. Oh my god. My ex-partner had never had a wee... My ex-partner had never had a wee finger up his bum. when he allowed it once and as I was giving him a blow job at the same time he he farted it was absolutely howling and I spewed and I spewed and I spewed all over his dick and him safe to say we were no longer a couple for other reasons though

I was going to say fuck that, it's a shame Oh no This is me Right Oh guys A&E nurse had a patient Who was on a weekend away with boyfriend

And wanted to be adventurous But an egg Which got lost An egg An egg again is in speech marks Came in for retrieval Of said egg The eggs

obviously been placed into some below passage. Halfway through examination, it switched on and I had to go to the waiting room to get the remote from the boyfriend who just wanted to know if it would work through the wall. That is why boys are idiots. You're playing my remote control fucking sex toy and your girlfriend's in the room getting it removed from our vagina. And you're turning it on?

Fuck sake. Honestly, guys, if you haven't listened to our episode with Amelia, it was season one. God, it must have been like episode four. Video the other days. Dominatrix. It is so interesting about men and fetishes and the things that she's done for men.

Like, she's poured baked beans over her and people are gnoshing myself off over it. Like someone was obsessed with Levi's, endless stories. so bizarre I personally don't think I would be able to join in on a strange fetish no I wouldn't be able to take it in my stride

and it depends what it is totally depends on what it is I couldn't even have someone like stuck in my toe though like even just quite common ones that I think we spoke about this in one of the first or second sex ones but Richard's openly admitted to him because I like asking these questions

like is any weird things he's like no but if I watch porn art I would quite I'm quite partial to milf porn. And I think fair fox lad, like that's fine. I watch lesbian porn. It is what it is. Like, I'm not a milf. I will be one day.

What gives me comfort in that is knowing that one day he might be more attracted to me as I'm getting older. Yeah, but I'm just remaining you, fool, Marie. I just think people are really strange, but it keeps the world exciting, do you know what I mean? Listen, the world will be a boring place if we all like the same thing. And you are bizarrely fascinated with 50 shades of grey. I am. Actually, you're right.

And I think you like the fact. You say it's not the sexual part. It's not. But I disagree. You like him being controlling. I do, but not even just in the sexual parts. Yeah. I like how he literally.

controls her life like I know this sounds like a materialistic thing but see like he literally removes her car from her life and gives her a new one yeah obviously it is quite big things in that film but like I just like how he does that arrives to pick her up in a fucking helicopter

yeah but it's not it's not the fancy part of that that appeals to me still it's just the dominance of him but at the same time in new life I wouldn't want someone controlling me like that but when it's in a romantic way I'm here for it I just love him as well though

I would watch those films every day like it's so funny Richard had been away for a week and he came home last night I just don't know what's wrong with me I'm so I really enjoy being on my own and he came home and he walked into the kitchen and he went do you want a cup of tea

and it just fucked me off don't come into my house and tell me what you want to do in my house like and I look to my house don't you start thinking you're bossing me around in this house and we were pissing ourselves but why did that annoy me why are you asking me to make a tea in my house for me and i was just like get out and as soon as he's in he's on the he's watching flipping his podcast on the tv and i was sitting there raging boiling like the like it's being taken over now i hate it and then he's in bed and he's cuddling me and i'm like

get off but that's weird like I'll be fine tonight but having a good like seven days alone I flippin love it guys I know but we were talking about how like you're really productive when you're in on your own so you never just felt you were on like a good run of being productive like a weird routine that's just you and then he's came back when you're almost in the high of that and he came back at half eight and he's like oh babe like what's for dinner fuck off get you over get something on the plane idiot And he's so loving it. He was so excited to see me as my last.

I was just going to see. He was doing buzzing to get home. He was so buzzing. He could wait to get, oh, he's cute. But I was just like, why do I feel this way? Like, I love seeing him, but don't come into my flat. That we pay half mortgage one, by the way. My flat that you keep clean all the other time that we're together.

Yeah, it's funny. But talking of like controlling, like I feel like if he ever tried to tell me what to do, what to do out no and I agree that's the weird thing about it yeah but equally Zoe I love it when a man takes control he's really good like this he's like I've booked something for us next week we're going on a date yeah he can't keep a secret mind you and that pisses me off sometimes I just wish he'd be like oh I've booked somewhere turn up I'll take you but it's always like I've booked this place I just keep I've got I've got you a present but it arrives next week don't tell me just let it arrive just let it come and it's so

lovely and I'm extremely grateful but I am just like can you just let it just turn up but it's so cute that you just what you can't wait to say ouch I feel mean I'm sorry I just think you've got your what you like when it's not your life like 50 shades of grey for me but I wouldn't I couldn't cope with someone control about that in your life you know I wanted to turn up my helicopter and take me in New York, whatever, then I will get on the helicopter, of course. But don't, like, take away my freedom, you know. You're reading a bit of a love novel at the moment.

How is it so far? It ends with us. Yeah, I'm really enjoying that, actually. Are you? I was wondering what your thoughts would be on this. I'm on about page, like, 100 odd, so I'm probably, like, one third in. Oh, wow. I read quite a bit the other night.

Because I got to a point that I was like, I need to read more. So, I don't know if I want to say it about it in case someone's not read it in the way. I wouldn't, I wouldn't mind reading it one day if it's an easy read, but. Yeah, definitely read it because I would say it's kind of got not, I don't know enough about it to say 50 shades of grey kind of vibes, but right now I'm assuming it's going that way. Ah, and that Court of Thorns book that I've been... Is that not meant to be sexual?

Yeah, I've heard it's like fairies, I've seen this on TikTok right, that it's about fairies and fantasy, I could be wrong, so correct me if I'm wrong, that are quite sexual. It's a very sexual, intense book, and people have been saying on TikTok that it's created this whole inner spark in them, that they actually are like having sex, like rabbits

with their partner and people because they are just so fired up by this book. I'm going to be reading that tonight. I'm getting, baby. Yeah! Like, fucking out. Oh, I'm mission to be tonight then, babe, no? Queeping all at it with the place.

Oh, it's too much. Oh, I hate myself. Yeah, so. Everyone needs a little bit of... Zump. I watch Fifty Shades of Grey or Read that book. Get yourself on love, honey. But what's weird is I don't watch that.

It doesn't... I'm not getting excited watching that. What? Fifty Shades of Grey. I think I just look in a different way now. No. I think a comfort film even though he's fucking whipping the shatter. It's quite bizarre.

I just feel like they were both cast very bizarrely, especially her. But I think now I know who they are, I can't see past either of them. But I just find it really strange that she was cast as that, what's her name again? A New Life. No, what, yeah, what's her name in the character? Is it not Anna? Something like that, yeah. Anyway.

I don't know, I pay much attention to her. pay much attention to her. Jamie Dornan. Jamie Dornan. Gorgeous. Gorgeous. Oh, before I forget, I had my second round of Morpheus 8 last week with Zara Skin Aesthetics.

It is, if anyone doesn't know, it's micro-needling and radio, red light radio frequency. It's basically the same as Secret RF, which you have with Laura Porter. But Morpheus 8 is just the brand name, as is Secret RF, I believe. I think Morpheus is a little bit more high... I don't think that's what I had. Did you not have a secret RF, did you not? No, the little grid marks. No, it's a flexional wazer.

Oh. I think it's quite similar vibes, though. Yeah. I'm sure. But basically with Morpheus, it's got the gold-plated needles. So every time they change the needlehead, that's why it's so expensive to have the treatment. This time round was far less painful.

I left the numbing cream on for a good 40 minutes. and I had, well, about a week down time. I've still got quite a rough neck feeling and I broke out quite a bit around here which I read that it's going quite deep into the skin. Pudgeon? Yeah, but it's good for, what it's good for is acne scarring, pigmentation

and tightening of the skin. I don't personally feel like I really need any more of a large chin. So I'm quite conscious that I might not go for my third appointment. I don't want to also have any fat dissolving. I feel like when you remove like fat from your face or whatever. Everything points

more, doesn't it? Well it ages you. Fat in face is good, keeps you youthful and I didn't really realise that was a part of it. I just did it more for the acne scarring in my pigmentation and just a bit more of like a... Yeah, you want to be plumped. It's not a filler or anything. It's just basically it's just damaging the surface of the skin

and then it's just re-healing. So I've been taking, I've been up in my collagen and just making sure that I'm zooming back in so I'll give you the true resorts I've heard it takes a good couple of months to actually see any visible signs of a difference in if it's worth because it is

an investment and it's expensive and I think it's more catered to mature skin so yeah I'll let you know on that one but I'll go to Zara she's amazing she's the first person I ever had baby Botox with when I was 31 and I had pro found with her near found

I had my first Botox for her as well you did didn't you and she's just I was about 18. She looks gorgeous. You weren't 18. No, I was 20. Four. She's a nurse.

She's amazing, as well as Fiona, who had on the podcast. Definitely research who you go to, if you go to a statistician. But yeah, I highly recommend both of those gorgeous ladies. And Zara is also who I get my Zio-Zo skincare from, which I've had for years and years. Can he beat it? Can he beat it? You can't beat that exfoliating cleanser. It is the best cleanser in the whole and

I've got the big man Jason on it as well now. Have you? Mm-hmm. He's fancy pants with skincare. The only thing is it's expensive but for me personally in last ages. We ended up because I got him to try when I had mine so we were like sharing one

and it still lasted months. You need like the tiniest piece size drop don't you? Lathers up beautiful, smells good. I'm telling you can beat it. Nothing beats that B5 La Roche Posee moisturiser for me though. That's all I use. I only use a cleanser in a moisturiser now.

You've been using the red light mask? You've been a bit of shit with it. I've not done it in a while. I did it a couple of nights last week, but I need to be more consistent with that. I know same. Do you know what it is? It sounds so pathetic and sad.

But I really struggle to sit there and lie for 10 minutes doing nothing while I'm wide awake. No, I agree with you. Except if I'm doing yoga. Like, I can't just lay there like in a red... I would need to be watching something. I can't really keep my eyes open.

Yeah, that's what I mean. Even when I tried to take a selfie one time with it on, I couldn't really... Open your eyes. Yeah, it was a bit bright. But the results are amazing with it. I need to get back on that. Yeah. Are you watching anything on TV?

You watched something the other day? I've watched loads of things. I finished a series The Gentleman. Yeah. Which was really good. I would recommend watching that. I watched the new film Roadhouse. Well, it's actually a remake of an old film. Right.

But I will be honest, Connor McGregor ruined it for me. I think he's an arrogant prick to me. he's an arrogant prick to be honest with you and it didn't really work because he was all like massive tattoos what he's got like tanned with the big veneers like it didn't really work with the film yeah because Jake Gillinghall was a main guy in and he's is it based in um oh no I'm thinking of Ken that's Ireland isn't it no this is America and he's about like rough and ready Jake Gellon Hall I would say and it just kind of made him a bit like yeah

Yeah. He ruined it for me. So I might watch the original of that and see what that's like. I also watched, watching quite a lot of TV at the moment. I also watched the new Zach Heffron one, not the wrestling one. Another one, Ricky McNickie or something it's called, Ricky McSty or something. And basically him and his two pals who were younger caused a fire at a house and made up that it was this boy that's on it.

And then it's like a fake friend that they've had through. their whole life but now they're like in their 30s adults kids and all that yeah and obviously everyone's starting to be like how come he's never at any weddings how come he's this so then they hire someone yeah to pretend he's the friend right daft film but an easy watch okay and Zach Efron you watch it wouldn't you it's got um what do you call a minute wrestler guy John Sina John Sina have you seen it money uh no but I have seen Rodehouse and I thought it was excellent Did you like Connor McGregor in it?

Yes, he was over the top and ridiculous, which is exactly what his character was supposed to be. Ah, okay, so... He was chewing scenery like anyone. It was really good. So, in that sense then... Have you seen an original one as well? I watched it the other night, yeah.

Right, so maybe... Yeah, so maybe he was casted well then. But maybe they envisioned who that character had been and were like, Connor McGregor is that person. No, I know. I just, I think he's unlikable. Yeah, because you already have that connection with him personally,

sort of, who he truly is. Personally, personally, you know, you know him. I won't play back in the days, do I mean? I actually haven't been watching anything, but I've been listening to a few really amazing podcasts. She can't think of one now, she said it. I listened to...

Olivia Atwood. Olivia Atwood. Yeah, if we can speak on that in a second. I also listened to the one with... Call Our Daddy with Megan Fox. I'm in the middle of that at the moment. Guys, I genuinely have never listened to a more interesting, unapologetically herself woman who is so intelligent, but yet she's extremely sexualized by society. Also, I think she's definitely enjoyed that character as well, whatever, because she is an extremely hot woman.

But there's so much more to her, and I really recommend that you listen to her, listen to that episode because it was, Honestly, amazing. She made such a fabulous quote about the fact that she got so much hate in the press when she had a bit of blood of machine gun Kelly around her neck. And she said that she drank his blood and people think that she's like Satan and she's all about the, what's that flipping cult

that everyone's in in America. And all what you're talking about? Because I heard that bit as well. Yeah. And she's basically sat there and she's like, well, but you guys all sit and there's so many women that will go and shag a random guy basically and let him come in your mouth

and you're basically drinking his a random guy's come but I just had a drop of blood from my soulmate like what's the fucking difference and I'm like that's actually so true but then she was like I don't act we don't actually sit and eat drink each child's blood it was like a one thing time thing that people just

yeah caught on since she was in I just let them think it because why not yeah why not um listen to Olivia Atwood I listen to one the Calvert's the Calvert sisters if anyone doesn't know who they are they're quite big into sport one of them was really cross-fitty and the other one just played football for England literally everything but they are now are part of March on which is a big huge fitness sort of organization and they were on his podcast called Without Limits

and they were again really inspirational I listened to the podcast from the guy that started represent that was really interesting I can't remember his name now his two brothers but that was a really cool story but Olivia Atwood there was one comment that she made and they were talking about self-love and I thought it was really good to share with you guys because me and me and soi have been having a back and forth about loads of things recently haven't we we been having a lot of deep chats about life in general haven't we like a lot of deep chats out too like the fact that we're only on this earth once and we just go right deep into it don't we and just how we feel about ourselves um but there was a story

of a girl that i followed called natalie shassi on instagram and she was talking about a time where she was on instagram and she saw a flashback picture of her at the gym about four years ago and And she took herself, it flashed upon her iPhone like they do when they come up. And she looked it and she was like, Jesus, I look so good in that picture. And then she clicked on it and she was like, I actually remember how I felt in that picture. And I felt so fat and ugly and revolting. And I was so hateful to myself, but I could only wish that I would look like that now. And she was just, and I thought that is so interesting.

There's so many times where I look back at pictures of me. And I've been like, oh, I felt so uncomfortable in that bikini. But I genuinely look amazing. I know. And you will never, as women especially, and I know we're really hard on ourselves, but we are never ever going to be happy. Never.

Just with like things recently and friends, like suddenly passing, there's so much more to life. And I know the guys here always take the mick out of us that we're hard on ourselves. And I know it's hard to really change that mindset. But it does make you think like, Jesus, fucking Christ, what is this all for? Like what?

And I'll get all for done. And then going back to Olivia Atwood, they were talking about self-love, her, and what was the guy called? Paul something is the guy who does celebs go dating and I think he did married at first night as well. That's right. Really nice guy. Yeah and they're quite close and they were talking about self-love and how it's all thrown about so well but and people say I'll just love yourself all right how though how do you love yourself and this is another reason why I thought

I would start tracking my calories a bit more and stuff was because she said this quote and it was it's really difficult to hate something that you that you care for and That is so true. I don't know it just hit me. I thought that is, I can't, you can't really hate yourself if you're caring for it. You're sleeping better. You're doing like a nice wellness routine.

You're putting really good food into your body. You're not binge eating all the time eating shit that makes you feel like shit. Drinking tons of alcohol. Like I've had a whole week hangover last week. Not sleeping much, not working out, getting fresh air. You're not caring for yourself.

So you are more likely to be hateful to yourself. Yeah. And that thought, that is just so goddamn true. Makes so much, Yeah. And I'm not saying that when you do all these things, you're still not going to be self-critical. That's not what I'm saying because I've been in that position where I've worked out so much and ate amazing and I'm still never happy. But I was less hateful to things.

Do you know what I mean? No, not people. I mean myself, like parts of my body or whatnot. I'm actually not that self-critical, to be fair. I still try and continue to tell myself I'm gorgeous and everyone around me. Well, yeah, you're nothing compared to me. No, but you're not hateful. Well, sometimes you have been recently, yeah. I'm quite asy every day. But I think that's a very valid point.

But even when it comes to like, if you're not that into fitness or nutrition or whatever, it's even like see when you take that time to do your skincare or your, everyone feels better when you put tan on, don't they? Yeah. Things like that. Mind I said in the first or second season, I believe, something about making more of an effort just with my appearance in general no matter what I was doing and it made me feel so much better things like that

if you're looking after yourself you like yourself more and me and Zoe say today like him this is really the only day of the week where we actually do make an effort and get dressed and put makeup on and I was moaning around it we were this one day out of seven but what I said to her was that we both have such a productive day after here I go home I'm more likely to film some more content because I'm ready I'm dressed I don't mind being in front of the camera. I'll go meet people.

We've got a meeting after here. Yeah. And it's not a... You turn up, first impressions, you feel great, you act better, you show up. Well, I feel awake because I've actually been out, exercise, got ready, whatever. Other days, I'm, like, in joggies and stuff all day, not a scratchy makeup, not nothing. Well, that is why we're going to hopefully look at getting a potential office space next week so we can both be better. Because I know you guys have been on this journey of self-employment with us, but it is hard.

trying to motivate yourself. It is indeed. But I do think we are getting better at it. We are this year. It's been progress after progress, I would say. But I thought I would share that nice, wise, uplifting knowledge because it definitely helped me this week. Love to hear it.

Yeah. Right, anyway, better fuck off and go paint willies and vaginas. So if you want to catch us doing that, head over to Patreon. Yeah, join over on Patreon. We've got an amazing gift where we're going to be painting a vulva and a large cock. So see you there, guys. Thanks for listening! Bye!

Bye! Oh! I forgot to wave!