A Lot On Your Plate - S5 Ep7: 'My boyfriend ran me over'

Episode Date: October 15, 2024

This week on ALOYP we chat through your WORST relationship & dating stories...you won't want to miss this one! There's blood, crotchless pants & married men - shock. Enjoyyyyy! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

We are so excited to say that this podcast is sponsored by Watermans. Wait, the solicitors? Yeah, but they're not like regular solicitors, obviously. So not super serious and complicated? Yeah, I would say they're a bit more straightforward kind of vibe, our vibe. I can get bored with that. For straightforward legal advice, remember Watermans. Hello, guys, and welcome back to a lot on your plate with me, Sally Lindsay.

And a wee barbers try that. Hope you had a gorgeous week and welcome back and you enjoyed last week's episode. We've got a right good ep coming for you, haven't we? I think this is going to be in top three. Nah. I think it might. I think it might. We hope because we actually haven't read any of the responses,

so we hope that it's going to be good. That's the best way for it to be. But if you are watching, you'll see that we're stranded by balloons again for Jessica's birthday that she forgot about. I forgot all about it, guys. I think I've got to that age where it's just, I don't care anymore. No, we can have that. Which is a shame because I genuinely do love birthdays.

And the balloons you've done for me are so cute. Rude, but cute. So it says you're old, which I thought it was appropriate. And then we've got a, what would you call that, a garland? A shrine of my face. Of Jessica's face with a party hat on it with her age 34. I questioned that. Same.

When I walked in, I was like, shit, am I really 34? And then we've got some mini ones on confetti on the coffee table. Tiny wee. Love the colour scheme, very classy. That's a really nice photograph of me. me and I cannot for the life of me think where it's from and I really love it. I think I look quite pretty. Look quite pretty. Yeah, I thought let's choose the colour of the season. Yeah. Why not, hey? I thought that we boys were cute too. Yeah, that's such a nice inspo pick,

Zoe. Well done, but you loads people will have that for their birthday. Yeah, I get all that carried away way, way. You've been in quite the party planning mood, haven't you? Oh, I have. I've been planning a really big large event Jason's baby shower who you organised with it as well it's so cute guys she showed me the little invite she made on Canber

and it's just super cute It is cute So if anyone wants to give me any freebies Hit me work No you're paying for it all bitch No it's actually it's going to be at Maison in their private room In their private room

In their private room in January gorgeous wee morning I think Yeah I was a bit stressed because I understand that baby showers, I'm going to be honest of you, are boring as fuck. And you all think it, I know you do. But I said, I want it to be quite fun and I don't want people to think, oh, January, I don't want to do anything. But you seem to think that people will quite like to do that in January because it's... I feel like that's a wholesome activity. It's not like, come on and get pissed, it's my birthday. And everyone's like, oh, I'm fed up of drinking. Not when

person needs to drink of that if they don't want to. No, like, what difference does it make? Okay, fair. Do you know what I mean? As long as everyone has a good time, I'm not bothered. I don't want it to be like oh come to my baby shall you have to be there like i don't want to put any pressure on anyone at that time yeah you don't need to put the pressure on i well yeah you do and then i'm also having one down in lester which my other best friend holly's planning with my mother and yeah so i'll be quite a lucky little girl well the baby will be very lucky boy or girl for the two weeks i kept seeing girl yesterday by the way did you kept seeing she really i thought oh i'm saying that did i say on the pod that i thought it was a boy because i thought i'd be a boy mom

But I don't know, I shared on my story that I haven't been having craving of pineapple And the amount of messages I got when people are saying, oh my God, me too, and every single one, because I purposely asked them, what do they have or what are you having? All a girl. And I know I'll say this now, you'll message me like, I had a boy and I had a pineapple craving, but I also had a couple of messages from people like, just forget, though, it can stop being your cervix. I'm like, literally please Google it. It's a myth. It's nonsense. It's like, I know you'll drink.

I know you already Your tongue. I know. I actually did some this morning. It stung my tongue. I know they're only being sweet, but come on. Allow a girl to have the only vitamin that because she can possibly stomach is some pineapple. I know. Poor wee thing in there.

It's probably like, please give me some goodness. Give us fucking peace. Anyway, moving on. Quick shout out before we move on just to the balloon lassie. Because she's really good. And you should all use her. A simple treasure on Instagram.

She is changing her name now. She's having a rebrand. If it changes before, this we'll put it in the description or on the IG okay right first we've got you some shout outs to do yeah we have some yay say hey achievements yay performance girls yay when everyone listens to this pair achievement you should be clapping pair one okay i'll read you clap okay okay yeah both of my brothers took part in the great glasgow run is that what's called yeah clap Yay!

My wee brother Ben, who's 15, bless his fucking heart, ran the 10k in under an hour. Brilliant. That's good, isn't it? Yeah. Adam, who's my big brother, ran the half marathon in two hours five minutes. Lots of our patron piggies also ran it as well

and they shared some picks and messages in the chat. I don't know how you do it. I don't know how you do it. Our pal Holly, who we just spoke about, ran the Lisbon marathon. Full marathon. Full marathon, not a half. Not a 0.5.5.

A full one. and she actually said she felt good. Can't believe it. Do you know what was funny? She was sending his voice notes at every 10K to keep her going and it was funny but not funny. The first 3 to the first 30K

it was like, yeah, come on and then the 30 to the 40 it was, I don't know how the fuck people do that. Are you crying or you're just out of breath or I'm lost but I enjoyed updates. Same. I thought, and I get why she's done it like that is quite a good way to keep pushing.

We should have sent them back though for her to have listened to, but I was sure whether she would read the text, though. I know. She may not have been less than though either. I think it was more just a mindset thing for her. But anyway, well done, Holly. Well done, Holly.

I'm so proud of you. It's amazing. Next, we saw my mom in our show. Guys, this is cemented in my brain forever. It's my new personality trait, your mother. I can't get over how good she was. I know. Like I know Zoe's probably just like, oh yeah, it's my mom.

She was so good. But no, no, no. She genuinely was so good. and I didn't stop crying I know you're really emotional I was so emotional I think I'm getting that sort of like pregnancy and hormonal emotion thing kicking in now soft mom way

but I have shared before that even X Factor auditions on YouTube and things that are overwhelmingly nice and good get me so upset I do get that I get it and when there's all people clapping and cheering that sort of situation I'm so overwhelmed by it that I'm crying

and the singers were good the whole show was good everyone there's working for free pretty much it's in the town hall of Airdrie it was such a nice town hall as well I've never been there before it's actually really nice isn't it yeah the actual storyline of 9 to 5 Dolly Part and I've never seen it never even knew about it so I loved it

the main character guy in it was brilliant The evil misogynistic boss was brilliant and then when your mum was like superstar of the show She was the main character She's extremely talented She was amazing Zoe and I kept crying as well because I kept thinking like oh my god because I sat next to Adam and Zoe

and I didn't dare look because obviously I was in bits but I was like they must be so proud of her yeah we were to be fair but you two are so like mellow like and I'm just like we have grown up but they'll go into her shows that's what I mean like it doesn't make you any less proud but it wasn't like our first time seeing her being a star like sure when we grew up she was always the main part oh whereas she's just not been the last few years because she was choreographing it instead and also she's older now so like a lot of shows in less it's specifically meant to be for a slightly older character younger people do it do you know what I mean but she has so good she's amazing she has very happy so if anyone wants to go and watch a show by chaos is

it yeah it's like her look club all of them everyone in the whole every single person in that show was amazing and talented and I don't know it's really made me feel like I might go and watch more amateur theatre shows oh definitely and by the way loads go to the Kings and stuff Like, I've went to loads that I didn't even realise with amateur. What? King's Theatre is amateur? No, some amateur shows that's where they perform at the Kings because they're Glasgow-based.

Brilliant. Yeah? So loads of clubs do it. It's just people's hobby. Like, it is cute. I love it. I would do it if I was good enough singer, but I can't even know the main part.

That would annoy me. Right. I think if there was, like, really good dancing in it and I was like a dancer. But see, when it's like that and it's more like, you're only really on it if you're like a main part. Like, I wish I was a singer about me. How tight is this when I was young and I went stage school? It was Snow White and the Seven Dwarves and I was the mirror. I was not expecting to see that. I just stood on the stage and held a frame.

That is iconic. Did you see her doing anything? You know, the middle mirror only talks back at the evil mirror to the witch, yeah, I did a bit. But not much. No, that is so funny. I did play Plauzey Brown and Boogsy Malone in my school play, which was main part. But then you get this, this is even, I don't know if I've shared this before, this is even worse. The week before, it was such tight schedule that we didn't have time to learn the lines that we actually were miming it.

Oh, my God. And we had a Blowsy Brown person that read the script on the side of this. stage and we just had to go so I've never had a big moment oh maybe it's coming maybe this is it maybe this anyway right last shout out as my cousin George have you seen this who lives in his food yeah he is a chef well he has a chef but he's now doing his own thing and it's a food truck he's got it's called George's cooking food truck and it looks amazing it looks so good but there might be people that listen that are based on there saying it if he's based in Nottingham but I'm sure he would travel about it not far

from where I'm from so any Lester people East Midlands so if you wanted that like a wedding or an event or a garden party or something then look up but it is really good food as well it looks at it as such a good cook chef I should say chef yeah get it right so yeah I just wanted to get them all out there because we're surrounded by talented people who are having good achievements we are else they were all doing that I was a potato on my couch that was good You've not been well, though. Not been well. That's fine.

That's fair. Do you hear that? And maybe one little shout out as well. We both had a PT this morning with our Richard Tate, which Zoe is still traumatised by. Always. Trying to move my body a bit more and I thought I'll jump in on Zoe's session. And he scaled it so we could do it together. But it was really tough actually.

It's always so hard. I know. You're funny. But he was telling me your progression weights this morning when we left. And how much. And I just went, yay, because it meant fuck all of me. Yeah, but, okay, so let's put this into perspective. I remember, Zoe's one rep max of a chest press.

Six weeks ago was 30 KG, was 32.5 KG. She just did. That means you can only do, you can only manage one rep. It's so heavy for you. Yep. And yesterday she did six reps of 30 KG in just six weeks. Three times. Wow.

Wow, that's amazing. He says you're really coming on. There you go, muscle man over here. But the shout out was he's actually moved gyms now. I may have said this. Coat Bridges based, but he has availability. I know he said he didn't, but he has a couple of spots come available for one to one,

especially if you're available mid-morning from like, let's say, 10 to 1. He could probably do you most days. He's just trying to fit his schedule around becoming a father, you know? and then online one-to-one's maybe unlimited to an extent because you're still obviously having coaching and you're based anywhere in the UK so I thought I would let you know just in case

at Adversity Fitness on Instagram he is and I will moan about it from start to finish but he has a nice guy okay he's obsessed with you and you're obsessed with him Anywho anywho anywho what's been a lot on your plate

who's been a lot on my plate I don't know emotionally my mother came up this weekend with my septist Ella who I love so much and we had a lovely time but she tried to take me shopping and we're going to speak about this more in the bonus because I don't want to rant too hard but we went shopping for baby stuff and I need to just share with you that I felt quite overwhelmed yeah I can't say that I was enjoying it Yeah. I thought it was cute and it's difficult when you don't know the sex

when you're especially trying to try and pick clothes. You're quite limited and I know that you just need baby grows at the start and all that jazz. But when we were in John Lewis, there were so many gadgets, so many gadgets. Prams. And she made me push the pram. Oh, just jokingly like, oh, push that pram. And it just felt so alien to me and I felt silly and I just was like, I don't feel comfortable. Yeah.

And you'd also push an empty pram. It was well. I know. And I thought, oh, my God, this is so weird for me. And my mom was like, you're going to need this, this. And even Ella, she said she learned so much of TikTok. She's 20. And she was like, you need this breast pump.

You're going to need this camera. This is the best one you need to have. It's called hour little something. And you put it on their foot. And I'm like, oh, my God. I swear when I was born. How does she know any of that? So she learns it on TikTok.

She also works at Next. So Next is quite a good place for, like, baby clothes and things. which they took me to and she gets discounted so we got some nice bits and bobs there but yeah I don't know I just felt really overwhelmed I don't know if anyone else is feeling like this the same sort of stage as me or if they did and it will just come normal but

I've been maybe watching too many things online because my whole feed is quite baby now just automatically your algorithm changes doesn't it on the explore page and I was watching Megan McKenna bless her heart she's been pregnant for about 15 years which feels like but she was doing like a get ready nesting sort of thing

and she was packing like six now nappy caddies and she's so excited of course because it's her first baby what's a nappy caddy i don't know i learned that on that day as well it's like a little are you carry it and it's just nappies bum rash cream and you just have it around the house oh like how are you like yeah it's like a little carrier like a wee tree thing yeah and she was packing six of them she's like i'll have one in my car left one in the bathroom and i've one in the spare room and have one of my mums i look like that's necessary i don't think so but i was feeling like what the fuck i don't know how to do this and then my friend bless her messaged me and she was like i'll send you a list she's one of a

good few people that have sent me this list and she's like it's not that much i'll tell you all the stuff that you do need and the stuff that i've got that was a waste yeah it's still scroll scroll scroll scroll scroll and i'm like i'm overwhelmed i'm overwhelmed where do i start i'd actually don't have long left you're probably feeling overwhelmed as well because you hadn't started whereas just look at that list and maybe pick four things a week because it'll be like a pack a napi's like you can pick them up easy. That's not overwhelming. Yes. You know of them. We all know everyone wears a nappy. And then loads of

things are probably like creams and shit, I'd imagine. Do you know what else at my own worst enemy though? I want, not necessarily the best, but I want to research every single thing. Because you know I'm like that anyway, in travel, food. So I'm like, what's the best creams to use?

What is the best? What's going to be the best camera? What's going to be the best Moses basket? What's the best Pram? I don't know anything. And I know no one ever knows anything at one point, but I'm feeling overwhelmed because I'm actually thinking, fuck me, I'm 22 weeks pregnant by the time this comes out, that I haven't really got long left.

And we've got lots of things coming up in between. I think you would be better just going into like boots and whatever other shops have these things like, John Lewis again, now that it's not the first time, and have your list of like the gadgets you do definitely need and try not look them all up because they wouldn't maybe some gadgets that are close to the baby

you know how if one lives in the cot with it or whatever because people do say like fire hazards and sit maybe that you could look up but see like the creams and all that like they wouldn't be in the shop if they were going to harm your baby yeah true so just be like in a nappy cream there's one yeah

because you will then just spend hours scrolling and scrolling and it does have its benefits but it also has its downside too you'll be like I know it would all fall into place I know probably some people feel that way but I have a 20 week scan which was amazing I can't believe you don't have one after that

I know not on the NHS unless there's something that my midwife thinks might need one but you can have a 4D scan as well like privately which I definitely will do with Laura but everything was fine and the baby was perfect and everything measured the long legs and the side little profile was so cute and the lady bless her heart let my mum

pop a head in quickly at the very end because she was obviously up and the hand went up and it was like hiya, hiya and it doesn't stop moving hiya, hello hiar anyway

that's the bump date bump date but I'm not moaning I just thought I would that's been a lot on my plate this weekend it was more of a oh my God shit's getting real holy flock where do I start and I know so many people

sent me lovely messages and tried to help me and lots of companies have reached out to me as well but honestly just don't know where to start but hopefully in the next few weeks I'll be grand that's just like the start of the having to get shit journey yeah it'll all come in dribs and drabs before you know you'll have every need and the good news is I'm actually now having a nursery done

which so we're just like oh my god I'm changing my spare room to a nursery so I'm here for that I love we nurseries are cute just thought I can't afford to move my house it's not going to happen the next few years so why not just do it properly absolutely. Absolutely. And what about physically on your plate? Oh so this weekend I went to La Petit Cock took my mother there for a nice sandwich, had a gorgeous, my favourite sandwich combo, ham, cheese, pickles and dijon mustard. So good, the best French baguette ever. And then we actually went for a really nice Sunday roast, didn't we on Sunday, at the Duke's umbrella.

The Duke's umbrella. Which you said before, but we're so impressed, aren't we? I think this is a big deal. It is a big deal, Zoe, because we actually had confirmation that it was because of this podcast by the team. There you go. We're changing lives. They added cauliflower cheese to the roast menu.

Can you believe it? Can you believe it? We said, we wish they did it. We got there, and I looked at the sides and the top one. And I watched you watching me read the sides, yeah? And I was like, oh my God, I'll have a side of mac and cheeseboos,

and you went, no, no, no, look at the bottom. And I was like, holy. fuck they've got mac and cheese not cauliflower cheese cauliflower cheese the one was like yeah so good I swapped my yorkies for a haggish yorky why not

because it's extra for that extra gravy always and a side of cauliflower cheese really good my only only glitch with it and we've got to be honest what was your glitch I wish the roast potatoes were cooked

a little bit longer and crispier Crispier. It's hard to get a good. It still tastes good though, but I don't understand why places don't make them like, I like them gold and crispy in where you can grate your knife on it, it's making that noise. But the gravy was delicious.

The beef was melting the mouth so good, especially because I had to have it cooked through, which was so good. The one carrot that you get, that's like glazed in maple was superb. That's enough for me when you get a roast like that, I think. Is it? It's definitely when you,

A roast out is different because it's, I feel like it's got the right proportions of things. Right. Where it's at home, I just pile everything on my plate. True, true. But it's quite nice when you've just got like really good. Good quality veg. You are right, actually. What did I have again?

Oh, I had patty. I just can never look at that in a menu and not have it. You love it, don't you? I love it. And I actually didn't. It was the roast menu, but you can get mains, which I tried this. time and I had haggis neaps and tatties. Yeah, so you did.

You didn't have a roast, did you? I do love haggis. The second best thing that I think Scottish is amazing for. First, probably being haggis, in my humble opinion. Okay, do. Oh, that might be on par with the Morton's Krispy Roll. Do love them. But, or chippy sauce.

Anyway. There's a lot of things. Second, cull and skink. It's one of my favourite ever. soups if you like Oh, you were enjoying it. I love it and Duke's umbrella do a really fucking good one. So definitely

definitely get it. You definitely try that and your mum got the haggis fritter, no haggis cassidia. Casadia, which was interesting. It was quite spicy. It looked delicious. And then she decided to go all out and order all four puddings because my mum has the biggest sweet tooth in the world.

They were so good. What was I eating that I couldn't have enough of? the fried mars bar fried marge bar I didn't try because I was so full and I felt a bit I wasn't really well over the weekend I had a really bad cold

so I felt a bit I wasn't 100% and I just couldn't force myself of something sweet but she's really unlike me can I describe you what it was like then yeah I've never had one by the way just put that out there

okay well it wasn't just a fried mars bar that was in a you know a slice a full slice yeah it was chopped up bite-sized chunks in like I could describe it that the texture was like a crispy choro So chunks of choro

dipped in gorgeous I think it was like vanilla ice cream so it was like getting all melted it was so good I think it might

have had a drizzle of chocolate over it we also had the Sikikatoffa pudding which Ella had and my mum had the correct me from wrong

Kranakin No they didn't have that left Kranachan Kranachan didn't have any of that Oh did she I thought she did have that No it was like a cheesecake

Oh sorry it was the orange blossom tart Yeah, that was it That was really nice It was all lovely Kranican What I can always get that man

Can't ever heard of that my life Until that day The oats raspberry It's like a classic dessert from Scotland Is it? Never Never seen it I might have seen it

But not known what it was You have it a lot of burns Is that correct Well just any sort of Scottish Scottish Asian Well the food was great And also I just love it there

Because it's so cosy I know we don't love, love, love, dark places but I do on that sort of occasion. On a Sunday, when it's coming into autumn, it's acceptable. Better live music. Yeah, he finishes at five, by the way. We just missed him, which is a shame. But we were there.

The last time there was live music and it has a nice vibe. And everyone had their medals around the neck because it was after the run. So there was loads of people in there with their little 10K getting a roast after. Anyway, highly recommend it go there. Me too. Love.

You know what I'm like with Sunday Road. nothing's ever 10 out of 10 for me but it's creeping up the ladder you know you're going to go to Manchester and try Firehouse aren't you? I really can't wait for you to try that Zerby. I'll wait you not how that is everyone anyway right

where she would begin. Shall I say one little thing that can talk is into why we've thought of this topic today. Go for it. And if you're on Patreon you'll know this because I sent you a message of sheer shock. When I was in Nashville Have a little wild fucking guess what came through my door. Every time we talk about this, I do wish it was me.

Because it's iconic. Two mum and dad, congratulations. Can't wait to have a new human edition in the family. I promise I'll be gentle. Love from your favourite cat, Owen. Handwritten envelope. Happy family sort of congratulations card on the front. Who the fuck are you?

I need to get a ring doorbell Yeah, I actually do We can't have that Maybe give it another year It's been two years strong Zoe Then we need to find out who It can't be a mystery forever It's two years strong

I have this Do you know what Rebecca said in the chat And I was pissing Imagine if we've just missed it all this time In its own Yeah Why we just assuming it's not him No no but it was Wilson at one point

True They changed the favourite cat That's what's funny about it But what's funny is It's hand delivered So it really rules out many people Yeah My big suspicions are

I've suspected all of you girls And everyone around that table When I got the text from Richard Where I was in Nashville I was like, it's you Heather It's you, Haley You know I'm here You've purposely got somebody to drop this over

Because you want to throw me off the scent Because you sat opposite me And they were like Same as you I really wish I was that funny it's absolutely not me it's not funny is it has got to be either Richard's sister that's a strong contender for me

I think but at the time when it first started she couldn't drive so that was her ruled out at the start okay she also lives in Falkirk so who could be asked to do that journey and it could be one of my lovely neighbours

that are funny as fuck well they're trying to be funny as fuck are any of them funny though I don't know I don't know they well enough to really know but that's funny is you really funny it's the but also a little bit creepy

I know but it's the consistency of it's funny for me and it comes it like it's not like you announce you're pregnant it's there

no it's like it comes like a wee bit after it's my birthday so let's see if it happens I'm gonna be like a peeping tum at the flipping blinds

like who the fuck is I do think I ring doorbell but equally I don't want to ruin it yet no I don't because it is quite enjoyable Imagine if they've actually got somebody else to post it for you. And then I catch them and go, caught you.

And they'll go, I'm just a delivery man. I don't treat the messenger. Anyway, that brought us on to thinking, has anybody had any sort of secret stalkers, sort of, I don't know, secret admirers, should we say? Or even like exesies that won't leave and... Yeah. But also, it borders on to,

we want to know just anything that's happened because we spoke about a lot of like dating in your 30s in the last week's episode and meeting people now, especially online dating. Have you had any embarrassing dating that you can let us know? The worst thing that's happened? The worst thing that's happened in it. And when I say we had so freaking many messages and we've been trying our best to not read them because some of them, we read a couple and some of them were well funny. So there are some really good ones here.

Right, Zoe. scenario for you. You're in a car crash. It's not your fault. Your car is in bits and you're majorly stressed out. What are you going to do? Probably phone you. Great. Well, maybe don't do that, but the correct answer is to call our friends at Watermans, obviously. What, so they can sort my car and everything? Yep. You don't even have to phone your insurance company. Watermans will sort it all for you. What if I have to miss work and can't earn my money? Well, they'll get you that money back too. So, Ted. Okay, I feel less embarrassed about

being re-ended now. Let's start with this one. I was previously in a long-distance relationship and got stopped at security for being over the 100 mil liquids. You guessed it. A giant bottle of lube. What? Luckily

it was a female of a similar age and she could see how embarrassed and mortified I was so she kindly brought a bin over so that I could discreetly throw it away. Sisterhood. We love it. You need these things? You do. That's an essential.

If you're away with your partner, my opinion anyway. Oh God, here's a long one. Right, ready. Oh my God, there's so many. By the way, this is a flight romance. Oh! So, I had the flight romance.

Flying from Singapore via Dubai years ago for work, I was in the queue at Glasgow airport and clocked this hot guy. Who would believe it? He then sits down next to me on the plane. That's fair, my thing. We start chatting and hit it off straight away, end up having several winds,

plane snogging. the whole lot. You're joking me! I was in the aisle, he was in the middle and some poor random was stuck at the window having to endure all of this. We both got off on Dubai to get our connecting flights and swap numbers etc. He messaged me constantly

until he told me he was fucking married. No! Safe to say I stopped talking to him then when I was still on Facebook until a few years ago he would always pop up as my people you may know. Who's stalking of then? I also have another story on a flight to I beat her with my best

friend. She got chatted to the guy in the aisle seat. She was in the middle, I was at the window. We were chatting away, having a laugh. I ended up falling asleep and when I woke up, she informed me she'd wanked him off under a jacket. They'd then acted like complete strangers which was even more funny and bizarre when we ended up right next than through passport control baggage collection in the queue for the taxi. Strangely enough, his claim to fame was that his dad played in quite a famous Scottish band. Who could that have? be fair fucks to you him wait that definitely tops my secret hand holding under the quilt I mean definitely you didn't even speak I need to know like no I don't need to know what

no go on you need to know what if he ejaculated you dirty bitch and where like where and then where does it end up in the oh my god guys this is brilliant I love it this was back my wild days but had a boyfriend at the time and he chased on me with this girl who was in my friend's circle we weren't mega close. So we ended up having tea with her and she confessed to everything. We got chatting about more stuff and I was like, hmm, you're actually quite nice.

We ended up becoming quite close friends after that. I broke up with my boyfriend and went a bit wild. I ended up back with the girl and a boy that my boyfriend used to moan about that he thought fancied me. One thing led to another and ended up having a threesome with them both. Yeah.

That was one of the first times I discovered that I actually like girls more than guys so a big thank you to my end. So she ended up having a threesome with the girl that her ex cheated on her with. And then they ended up basically together. Icon. Or having a little bit of a thing. Icon.

Best one was he picked me up from my pals. He thought it would be funny to drive forward as I was going past the front of the car. Oh my God. No. He ran me out. No. No. He ran with me.

He ran me over. Oh my God. Oh my God. Head brush. Full on trapped my leg under the car. I was crying trying to get out. It was stuck and he didn't move. Managed to wriggle out eventually, cry my eyes out,

and obviously wasn't in so much pain. He was laughing in my face for being sensitive. And still to this day, I'm waiting on receiving an apology for it. I wonder if she's still with him. If she's still waiting for an apology? That's what I thought. That's iconic. Oh boy.

I have an embarrassing story to tell you. To preface, preface, this happened when I was 18, I'm 32 now, but I still laugh about it. My ex and I had a messy breakup, lots of back and forth. Finally, I had enough of the games and started to move on. Little did I know, this guy was all of a sudden not ready for that. Now the story begins. Oh, God, you go. I came home after a night out with friends to find my ex standing in the rain outside my house.

I was still living with my parents. He scared the crap out of me. He walked up to the car and begged him. me to hear him out. So I told him to get in the car because it was pouring with rain and I'm not completely heartless. He then started to ball and say how much he misses us. He then takes out a note and starts reading vows. He wrote for me, vows. Like what? So insane. Anyway, I tell him no, I'm done. I'm not interested. And I ask him to get out of my car and to leave. I walk up to my house and he continues to follow me, begging and begging. I say to him, go home. And he

replies you are my home so i say no home is that way i'm pointing the direction of his house i turned around and walked in closing the door and not looking back the next day i get a text from a mutual friend and they told me my ex had called them and asked for a ride but when they found him he was laying in the middle of the road in the pouring rain so dramatic important to note he was well after midnight it was well after midnight and the road was residential so there was no immediate danger now that i write this out it does sound a bit mean on my part but I promise this man was awful and so manipulative I'm really proud of myself for standing my ground

and laughing at the drama this man put on bloody Nora if someone who I wasn't interested anymore said you're my home I would have ran over him if he was in the middle of the old so you done well hen especially if these guys are so manipulative you're my home don't annoy me

it reminds me of a favourite quote of mine that I saw on the internet one time and I always think about it what is it? It's better to admit that you walked through the wrong door in life than spend the rest of your life in the wrong room. It's better to admit that you made a mistake rather than staying in the mistake for your whole life

is basically what that means. Okay, fine. So she could have forgave him, she could have been like, you know what, get in, I'll forgive you. She was like, no, I'm not feeling bad. Yeah, fair. one night I was on a day and woke up in bed with his mum

to follow up I went on a date and we went back to his for a drink he lived with his mum who was actually my boss oh it was pardon and I fell asleep on the couch he was steaming and went up to his bed leaving me on the couch

fuck that by the way no no no no no does she even know at this point that it was her boss unsure his mum came down early in the morning and felt sorry for me and said come on up to my bed lull I woke up in the morning with a text from him saying Did you get home okay? I can't remember a thing from last night And I text back saying

Come into your mum's room Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. That is brilliant I'm next door mate coming Right next Peed the bed about four weeks into seeing someone at his house Sober as well which I feel is so much worse Oh having to wake him up at 4 a.m like excuse me sorry

Luckily he wasn't too put off where a year down the line and no more accidents have been had. Oh my God, lucky you. You are lucky. I still get cold busy pants. Sober though. Oh shit.

I wonder why that is. Were you nervous? I think you might get a bladder check to it in. Drunk we can take, sober I'm not so sure. In relation to your scandal story. About 10 years ago when I was at uni, I slept over at my then-boyfriend's house. The following morning, I was packing my stuff up,

ready to leave, and picked up an item of clothing on the floor. I thought was mine. To my surprise, I picked up a pair of crotchless knickers, which were not mine. I questioned him immediately and asked who's they were, and he was adamant and tried to convince me they were mine. Right. You're like, okay, son. I've never worn crotchless knickers at any point in my life at that time, so I definitely knew they were not. So, Shes, no?

Okay. He even had the cheek to try and pass them on to me, as I was. leaving the door. Still trying to convince me that they were mine. A week later he dumped me because he said he could no longer trust me as I'd lied about the knickers. Fucking hell. They're normal. They're so fucking funny. And I tried to set him up and claim he was cheating, gaslighting at its finest. Fast forward about three years on and he randomly contacted me out of the blue and admitted to cheating on me. Said it had always weighed heavy on him that he lied and tried to make me look like the bad guy, asked if there was any chance we could

reconcile, obviously denied it at this point with my now husband by that point too. The absolute audacity, hope he's still sad about it now and regrets his life choices. Life choices. What a freak? What are these people expecting

for you to then go, oh yeah they are mine? That is just, ball on gaslighting though. How can I twist this story and make her believe that she's the problem? Make her believe that she's the one that she's planted this seed and I would never do that to her.

That either your fucking knickers are there no. No, they know. There's no convincing someone that it's their panties when they're no. Especially when they're crotchless. You're like, no. Also, you just know when it's your pants. Don't annoy me. Oh God.

No, no, no, listen to this one. This guy I was seeing broke up with me because he said I was too young. Fast forward, I graduated from college in the States and decided to travel to Tanzania with friend when I got back to the States I found out my mum had been sleeping with him while I was gone I really was too young for him I wonder if she still speaks to her mum right worst thing to happen in a relationship memory unlocked of 15 year old me with my first proper boyfriend snogging each other's faces off some dry humpin until we were gasping for a drink that's what used to do in it pulled apart in my

My boyfriend was about to grab as a drink when I noticed his crotch covered in blood. Oh. Oh my God, I'm so sorry I must have came on, she said. Turns out I hadn't. No. Was he supposed to be being trapped in the sea? His zip had got caught somewhere delicate and he needed his dad to take him to A&E. I'm cringing.

Ouch. Luckily, he was absolutely fine. We were a bit shaken and didn't dry hump ever again. I wonder if they're still together I won't be sick Went on my first date Years ago after being in a relationship for two years We had been texting

And had been getting on great The plan was I was coming up to Glasgow We were going to go for mini golfing And for food and drinks First red flag was He stunk of bookfast when I met him Which he admitted to drinking Two and a half bottles

The train in No, you'd be absolutely legless We got to the mini golf Going Fab Until he slapped my bum with his golf club we then went to the pizanos for pizza a family with two young kids and he asked me if I had any operations if I had had any operations

alarm bells now ringing for me I said no when he openly admitted he had been castrated I couldn't finish my pizza after this lol I wanted to go home after this and was getting ready to leave for the bus and he was adamant on walking me to my stop I held my hands in my pocket the whole walk and he kept trying to hold my hand

No. Then I got to the street across from, oh my God, got to the street across from my stock. I told him I'd be fine from here. He then grabbed my face and kissed me. And when I tell you how much I wanted to bleach my mouth after this, safe to say, I was off-dating for months after this one. We've got so many more, and I don't think we're going to be able to fit it into this week's episode. So shall we carry on to next week's main episode?

Make it too far. We don't want to just save it purely for Patreoni, but we'll, We'll have a little catch-up in Patreon this week. Yeah. A bit more of what we've been up to, what we're doing. I've got a lot of things that I've been watching, reading shit like that. So if you want to hear that shit. Yeah.

And I've got a few perfume recommendations as well. And the week after we've got her first guest of the season. So we have, but she's a returning guest. So take from that what you will. A returning guest, who you all love so much. We are also opening something really exciting on Patreon. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

We're going to sort of open that whales to having our catch-up, sort of like muck-bang, but without the eaten. Yeah. Well, we actually were going to have a spit or swallow today, guys. I really want to try the new Heinz pickled onion, monster munch, mayonnaise. It's all down. And I really wanted to have it in a crispy Morton's roll with ham and salad. But, Murray, can you just bring over that pot of gorgeousness that you purchased for me this morning?

He's a good egg. He got me these sweet and salty pretzel fudge from, M&S. Unmule. These are unbelievable. I really want to try the spooky

Marks and Spencers chocolate thingies next. We'll either see you on Patreon or we will see next week for more relationship stories okay.

Thank you for my birthday messages. Not that I've had one yet. I forgot to give you a present. Oh, I've got a present. Yes. It's right here. I fucking am.

I can only apologise about that. There you go. Thanks. That's why and can say, I don't me. I apologize. Didi-de-de-de-de-dee. It's a card of my cat on it if you're listening.

Oh my God. Oh, I know what this is. No, it's not that. Oh. You think it was your David Greedy ticket? Yeah. No. It's not David Great.

Okay, cool. To Jesse. I know you forgot about your birthday, but I didn't. I can't wait for another day of you and Jason fighting for my attention. I love you forever. Zoe, Zuzzo, Zosop, BFFL, best auntie to be. So cute.

Thank you. Put a little effort in at that card. My goodness. There's a high figure on this. Fuck me. Aw. What a great gift. Because I've already looked it up,

but there's four pregnancy treatments. Stop. So you can get to... Is the one like a de-swell? One's like, by the way, it's a voucher for... How do you say it? Sorry. It's a voucher for charisma on Regent Street.

Yeah. Where I went for my lymphatic drainage, massages, I had like four. I went there for that, God, how do you say it? It's that sort of chemical peel foot pedicure. Yeah. I've been there for a few things actually. It's also where I got my favourite ever. Help me out.

Liquid probiotics that I love probiotics. Probiotics that I get from there. Anyway, she's got me a very high figure amount of gift card. That's so generous. I just thought you like getting touched. Love it. Your feet massaging and all that. So there's a treatment that's like a full body.

I think it's like a desuel massage. It's right down your calves and your feet. No, don't. I can't. You'll love that. Do you know what would be a really good question to ask our listeners, actually, and we could do this on a future episode? I want to know if you won the lottery,

what would be, not the first thing you'd buy, but what would be your non-negotiable thing that you would always want? Mine would be a consistent masseuse. I want somebody with me all the time that would massage me, touch me everything. Every day of every hour. Okay, let's ask that next time. I like that question. Yeah.

I need to think about my answer. I just love it. And I unfortunately don't have people around me that like to touch me and it's a shame because I love to touch them. I know, sorry, I apologize. I'm one of their people. Fuck, sake. Anyway, anyway, next week for some more raunchy, disturbing

concerning stories we love it and then Patreon for some products of the week and a catch-up yeah okay bye bye