A New Untold Story - A New Untold Story: Ep. 212 - My Blank Smells Blanked

Episode Date: November 12, 2020

|| A New Untold Story: Ep. 212 || The boys discuss Jason Mraz, scatting, dicks smelling fucked, and clowning homies! || Producer: Tyler GoochmanYou can find every episode of this show on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or YouTube. Prime Members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. For more, visit barstool.link/anuspodcast

Hey, A New Untold Story listeners, you can find every episode on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or YouTube. Prime members can listen to ad-free on Amazon Music. your untold story. A new untold story. It's a fresh, big untold story. A new untold story. Much easier. Is that? Is that? If that was my dick, I'd know. that's the first thing i do in the mornings

smell my dick you smell your well i think we've all do in like the shower just to see if we have to scrub it well no mine's not for cleanliness mine is i party and i have to yeah i black out yes and i just need to uh see if my dick's been fucked okay oh like you black out and you want to remember if you had sex or not because you don't know so you ask the girl or i wake up in the morning and i lift up the cover and just huh the first time my dick smelled fucked was in college your dick smelled fucked yeah i would i woke up after a blackout and i was like did i did you have sex or not and so i lifted up the the comforter and just uh uh i didn't i didn't okay i uh i didn't i didn't remember i didn't remember fucking yeah but i'll tell you my dick begged to differ so you you completely blacked

out didn't know if you had sex or not we We've all been there. Me, several times. Me, several as well. But I started actually- You started wafting your- Just smelling your dick. I actually made that a habit because I was put under so much for oral surgery growing up. At the dentist? At the oral surgeon, just because I did-

For some reason, I was just like, I'm very easily fuckable when I'm put under. What? Yeah, so as soon as I woke up from I was like, I'm very easily fuckable when I'm put under. What? Yeah. So as soon as I woke up from. What do you mean you're easily fuckable? Who would fuck you? The dentist? I was put under at the dentist probably 30 times.

That's a fuck ton. I had 64 teeth. Okay. Yeah. But who would have ever fucked you While you're under At the dentist office The hygienist Oh And so I would always

Like wake up and come to And the first thing I would do Was smell my dick To see if it smelled fucked Cause I was just afraid Of being kicked There's no way it ever did Well I'm

So you're saying You would wake up from Oral surgery And your dick smelled fucked So there was one A lusty hygienist there always is i think once i what my dick was it smelled fucked was it like a very strong aroma that time i don't think aroma is a fair word to say like a scent i think an odor oh i think it was a hygienist with a yeasty pussy yeah that's what they're known for yeasty pussy there's not good airflow

and scrubs and um absolutely no more questions but you could that's when you knew it smelled well when you when you wake up from surgery you're still kind of disoriented yeah and how did you well so my vision was blurry my hearing wasn't all there because i still had anesthesia kind of wearing off. But when you lose other senses, just like anybody with a disability, you get stronger senses. Oh, like your sense of smell got better. So my sense of smell was amplified like a silk moth. What?

You could smell the pheromones from like five miles away. I guess. Yeah, just like a silk moth. Okay, so that's the first time. That is the first time, and it only got better from there. Better? What do you mean? I got better. got oh you got better at that skill college is when i was at my peak except once it was like i had a sinus infection so i was pretty much i was fucking blind so you couldn't tell if you fucked my body count was a gray area you were rounding up i would imagine my body count

right now has an asterisk for 30 days straight you're just like well maybe maybe so yeah so i i counted chances are i counted it as every day was a half a fuck 15 fucks but but i i you know i i got so good and i told my friends and they started like coming up to my room in college and like quizzing me you could smell your your homies dick i can smell if i can smell any dick and tell you if it's been fucked the night prior you would you get up to their cock and balls or would like through their jeans or briefs uh so it started off they had to swab and then they went then i could go through jeans i could go through multiple layers and i could just smell like yes you did no you didn't remember a fucking thing last night nikki and then it resets it resets after you shower but if you don't shower i mean i don't

know some dudes treat their dick like a cast iron skillet and it comes yeah and i i smell their dick and it's like i'm paging through a photo album all right so you so you would be able to tell um whether or not your homies dicks was fucked. And honestly, it's a blessing and a curse. Yeah. I'm sure it could bite you in the ass. The blessing. Let me tell you about that. Getting caught cheating on your wife.

Something like that. I didn't think about that. So the blessing is clowning your homies. So there was one of my friends who had a class with this girl and he would go study with her. And it was a really hard class. She was ugly. She was ugly. He would go study with her and he'd be like yeah dude like i study it's like the best setup i study with her and she's like she gives me head she sucks my dick oh yeah we've all been there and it's just like he was like it's it's amazing and

i'm like are you like are you sleeping with her you fucking her he's like no fuck no dude look at her no god no i would never i remember he would keep on doing that keep on doing that uh and then one day he comes home it was a thursday i think and so i was like drinking you know me and i was wearing like a i was wearing a mike bibby jersey sure and uh he he walks in i'm just like uh how was studying he's like same old same old same as always i was like oh yeah um did she just suck your dick he said yep just suck my dick i said you want to try that again and he uh he didn't get it at first he was like yeah man she just yeah she just sucked my dick okay and i said okay uh no she didn't you fucked her you fucked her twice i could smell and uh you look on his face you exposed that was worth it you were that good

you could tell the the frequency i can i can smell the position. What? Yeah. You can smell whether or not they fucked missionary or reverse missionary? It's not as impressive as it sounds. The left pussy wall has a distinct scent from the right pussy wall. I didn't know there was cheat codes like that. If you're hitting it real good like missionary, obviously the left side of your dick will smell like her right wall. But if you're hitting it – Sure. Yeah.

One of the other ones. Reverse missionary. The left side of your dick will smell like her left. That's an easy formula. Yeah. It's simple. And you can just – Most guys –

This dick smells fucked. This dick smells sucked. This dick smells fucked like X. This dick smells fucked like Y. This dick smells fucked like Y. Like Y. Like Y. And it's just. Wow.

Yeah. But I can see, like you said, how it could be a curse. Well, I'm worried about for when I'm a father and if I'm a girl dad. A what? A girl dad. Like a fucking girl dad. A trans dad. What? Like I'm going to have a daughter. If I'm a girl dad. A what? A girl dad? Like a fucking girl dad. A trans dad?

What? Like I'm going to have a daughter. If I have a daughter. Why wouldn't you just say that? Yeah, I could have. Okay. But like prom season. And she's like, hey, I'm bringing my date over.

He comes in, tuxed up. Tuxed up. And there was no. Waltzes through the door. There was no corsage strong enough. To mask the smell of your daughter's pussy and it's like tucked pants are thin extra thick so you can really by by the time you're a father your talent will be like he walks in or she's like better dad this is chest in and i'm just like hey i'm just like oh no that's the father's worst nightmare.

It is. It really fucking is. Smell her boyfriend's fucked dick. But hopefully by then, the technology will progress. Your own sweet daughter. To have thicker boxer briefs. I don't fucking know. I just hope I have a son.

So he comes home and I just dap him up. You're like, oh, give him a noogie how was your like that dick smell hey how was your night kiddo what about what about like one of your the dude who lies he's like he thinks he has that power too and he's like shit i don't remember shit but my dick smells fucked he just lies like no you know it doesn't you didn't fuck you just don't shower you just you're you're dirty god-awful hygiene dirty yeah you've been that's not pussy that's just general grime and muck your jeans feel like sweatpants you are disgusting you haven't you haven't done your laundry you are yeah you're just yeah the same type of dude that lies about

his dick smelling fuck dick smelling fuck is the same type of dude that like you're playing never have i ever with and he loves he loves he loves losing never dude nope the fingers and then he like oh fuck he like advertises here we go again yeah he's putting his fingers up he's doing his uh middle finger ring finger and pinky to look different yeah all right here we fucking go again this is gonna fucking i might as well go play pong and so like the person up is just like never have i ever had sex and he puts it out he puts it immediately down before you finish like no no no go ahead go ahead i guess finish anybody else no no i might just me dudes like that are also super competitive they think they're um comedians when they play...

What's the adult Apples to Apples? The Apples to Rotten... Cards Against Humanity. Yeah, Cards... Yes, they love that game. Come on. All right, we can play this, but gotta warn you. He's the Anthony Jeselnik of Cards Against Humanity.

Yeah. He treats it like... They're his jokes. Yeah, or like a sport. He talks to people. He recaps his games. He's talking about his old high school stats. Yeah.

So I threw down... So you know the two most versatile cards are Auschwitz and Helen Keller. Those are guaranteed laughs. But I promise you, give me any hand and I will make you fucking laugh. Any fucking card. And that's how you differentiate a good player from a great player. I'm a great player. I'll make you

laugh no matter what. Everyone's fucking laughing. No, no. Try it out. Give me any card. I'll make every single player laugh. Hypothetically, let's say somebody plays What Brought the Orgy to a Grinding Hall? That's a classic card. But there's a card i'll make every single player laugh oh hypothetically let's say somebody plays uh what brought the orgy to a grinding halt that's that's a classic card but there is a partner for

that card every card has a partner and with that one you play child protective services every time every yeah yeah guaranteed laugh they will choose yours and that's the partner i don't care if you see a card that it works with child protectiveective Services. I've been sitting on that card for five rounds. And he's like, yeah. So say the other day I was – he acts like, yeah, they're his jokes. The cards he plays are his comedy. So he's treating it like a stand-up set? Yeah.

I would like somebody to be so blinded that they're good at Cards Against Humanity that they think they're funny. They try stand-up, and they're just saying Cards Against Humanity combinations on stage. So they're just pacing back and forth. So they're just like, so what am I giving up for Lent? Me? For Lent? Oh, I don't know. How about Tasteful Side Boob?

So I got 99 problems. But Lance Armstrong's missing testicle isn't one oh my god garrett how'd you think of that you're fucking gross you're so fucking gross games really not that hard once you understand the cards it's just it's not that hard yeah i'm not really reminiscing about his best games. Once they move up to Cards Against Humanity, they scoff at Apples to Apples players. Oh, yeah. No, Apples to Apples is cool. Yeah, that's all right. No, don't get me wrong.

It's all right. I thought we were going to laugh tonight, but no, this is cool. Oh, yeah. You got to start somewhere, huh? You guys ever fuck with the same girl? What? Well, I don't know. know probably you're from the same town small town uh well but like you just eat their pussies i get to fuck them

i don't know just like every does that make you sound cooler yeah just like every it makes you sound better than me but i don't know if that makes you sound good no it doesn't make i don't care about sounding good just like yeah you like that you they invite you ever to eat and you just like eat their pussy and then you go home and then like yeah and it sucks because like i don't get to do that i just get to fuck them yeah it sucks kyle goes over and watches i don't even come i don't break a sweat no no i don't do any of that no that's. And then he just eats her pussy for 45 minutes. No, that's what a simp is, right? Your Uber leaves, his Uber gets there. I don't know.

I still don't know what simp means. I'm not on TikTok. I don't... I'm not in high school or college anymore. I don't know what jewels do or what simps are. You mix it up with college age people. If I had to guess, a simp is the opposite of the guy who just eats the pussy and bounces eats no that would be the simp i used to have girls come over i would eat

their pussy then kick them out um did you uh i would be i would eat her pussy they were like to my completion not To my completion. Not to her completion. Then I'd be like, so, is your, all your cum stains were just at the foot of your bed.

Yeah, I would use and abuse. That was like the, I was like the, the douchebag because i would have girls come through and i wouldn't even talk to her we'd just get right into it and i would eat i would eat their pussy to completion to my completion and then be like um so uh is your uber here you wipe your mouth and just say uh get the fuck out that wouldn't

be that much of a dick but i'd be like so uh you're leaving all right yeah he's he's a fuck boy he just had he uses me for he uses me for eating my wait what does he use you for sex not quite i can recall once for sure i know one i remember um i'm not gonna say her name i wouldn't either throw her under the bus but i remember i was i was with her i was with it for a little bit and then um and then she went over to you oh she wanted to make you jealous what do you what yeah well yeah because i was with her for like a year and then i just i just quit it i was like i'm done with this yeah and now she is yeah she was like i'm

gonna make you jealous and then she went over and got with you for the first time yeah for the first time again to make you jealous no so no because she went she yeah she made you she went back to me again for the first time since you guys dated i remember the first time that she hooked up with you it was the very first time she fucked with you never fucked with you beforehand i remember it so vividly because that was like the one year of me ending things with her. Oh, yeah. So even like I remember like 10 years before that, I was fucking with her. And she would – that's her thing.

She was like, I just – whatever. She would do her X's and O's. No, do you remember the one thing that she does when you're like hooking up with her? She does like – she like does the look over her shoulder. Yeah, I taught her that. I remember when she did that. I remember when she did that and she was just like, hold on, I'm going to try something for the very first time. And what did she do?

She would do this thing. And it was crazy. She did it with me for the first time. Out of curiosity, describe the thing it was when i was actually uh sleeping with her and uh you know she's just like it was this crazy thing and i i was the one that recommended her to do it she was like if it's yeah yeah i know exactly what you're talking about i remember when i showed her i i showed i told her maybe you try this out and she was like i don't know that sounds a little weird no no no then i showed her how to do it

right she started doing it no and i remember you telling me about that because um a couple months prior i hooked up with her and i smelled my dick no i smelled my dick and i was just like that's that smells like hymen no it's not like hymen oh and i was just like whoa that's i guess she's never been with anybody before i guess so yeah so it was i yeah so we have to answer your question yes uh i've been with the same girl but uh i remember even like way back the fuck way back when it was one of the first ten times I fucked. KB. How'd that feel in your ear? I hate it. These expert level mics in those headphones.

I hated that with all my heart. Episode 225. Yeah. What's new? What's going on, my friend? Not shit, brother. What's new with you? You got a haircut.

Yeah, I did. I did. I did. Yeah? It was my first time not going to my beautician, Lisa. She was a phenomenal hairdresser. Well, she did my hair. She would chop up your locks like a gourmet suey chef. Is that what it is?

Like Ed Kemper. Yeah. So you went to a barber for the first time ever. I was intimidated. You're 28. Yeah, I am. I was intimidated as fuck. I sat down, and I'm not very good at small talk, believe it or not.

So he was, like, cutting my hair, a lot of hair off. My hair is much shorter. Yeah. And he was like, so, like, where are you from? And I just said, I said, West Virginia. Right. And his response caught me off guard so much. So I was like, said, I said, West Virginia. Right. And he, his response caught me off guard so much. So I was like,

yeah, I'm from West Virginia. He goes, Oh shit. Fuck. No, he fucking did. He said,

he said, and, uh, shit. Fuck. He said, Oh shit. Fuck.

And I was like, Oh, have you been? And he's like, no. And so, and that was it. That was it. And you didn't say anything

back i didn't really say anything and then you just cut your hair and i have to live with that for the rest of my life shit fuck yeah yeah he said oh shit when's the last prior to that when was the last time not not not once like shit fuck it's it's it's unbelievable uh that's like the the cool beans of swearing. Somebody who's never cussed before and they felt they need to impress somebody. Doing a double whammy. It doesn't even sound mean. I'm trying to think of a funnier cuss hybrid.

Yeah. Like, oh, cock ass. If you say it like that, yeah. Holy cock ass. Oh, cock ass. If you say it like that, yeah. Holy cock ass. Oh, cock ass. Yeah, I'm from West Virginia. That was his response. Yeah.

Just instinct, like immediately shit fuck. That was his go-to response. I didn't know what he wanted. I don't know what kind of response he wanted from me there. But yeah, that's what's new with me. I have shorter hair. What about you? With me? You been doing anything fun? You went out to eat with me i have shorter hair what about you with me doing anything fun

you went out to eat with me yeah with you yeah that wasn't fun i didn't enjoy any of that i are you kidding me yeah it wasn't awesome we went to like a pub dumbass uh soft pretzel Smothered in cream. You got it smothered in cream. What are you talking about? Well, that cheese sauce, you had it all over. Yeah, it was nacho cheese on a soft pretzel. Yeah, smothered in cream. It's not cream.

Yeah, it's like a sauce. Yes. I got a sauce. All sauces are dip sauces, like more liquid-based condiments are just all in the cream family. That's normal. Jeff, back me up. I'm ruling. All right, I'm going to name a dip. Okay, yeah. Guacamole. I'm ruling. All right, I'm going to name a dip.

Okay, yeah. Guacamole. That's cream. Not cream. That's a cream. Absolutely not. A marinara sauce. If it's an avocado, then no. Marinara sauce.

That's a cream. Salsa. Cream. No. They're all creams. No. Wait, what was on the way? Describe the pretzel topping?

He got this soft pretzel, and it was like that cheese sauce cream. Stop saying cream. He keeps on saying smothered in cream. When you go to a ball game or the movies, you say, give me the nachos and cream? No, you say, you probably asked for the cheese, but that is a cream. You don't say, give me the condiment on my hot dog. So it's an abbreviation for cheese cream. So wait, you'd want the hot dog would be what?

Well, that would be a cream. The hot dog would be smothered in cream if you had a fuck ton of ketchup or mustard on it or relish. You are so... Salsa. Salsa is cream. No. Pico? Sour fill in the blank.

What is it? Sour. That's actual cream. And also like the thing in donuts. It's not. It's not at all. It sounds too sexual. You've been getting a little sexual lately.

What are you talking about? I don't know. What do you do with girls you try out you're trying on a new thing yeah what i don't like four what was a foreplay tactic yeah i've been scatting on their chest what got on their stomach ew no no it's like uh you know i'll like roll their shirt up and I'll go to their tummy, their belly, and I'll just... Oh, like that kind of scatting. Not like pooping.

Yeah, I call them... I call it... What do you call it? Raspberries. You give them raspberries? I give them raspberries. Yeah, mister, it's when I'm scatting on their tummy. You scat...

Okay. Well, there has to be another word for that. No. For scatting. What is that? No, scat is for sure the only word. Maybe zoopity-doopity. You can't scat. I've heard you scat. Zoopity-doopity. You always say zoopity,

which is, no, it's blaps or bops. Okay. Bops. Skidats. Okay. Do you nibble on their ear as well? That's another Mraz tactic I see you're pulling up. I'm Mr. A to Z. That's it. All about the wordplay.

That is, yeah, we are Mraz. Do the girls enjoy that, or does it feel like they're getting tickled? They love it. They absolutely love it. They go berserk. Yeah, they can't help themselves when I, uh. When you. Right on the tummy.

Yeah. Does it sound like Mraz? Of course it sounds like Mraz. So I could like shazam it and it would come up? I'm yours would come up? If you go up to my door whenever I have a good night, you shazam and you hear me in there. Wouldn't it sound a little muffled when you're on their tummy?

If your lip's pressed to their tummy? Nick's going with it. Geek in the pink. I am a geek in the pink after the Marazberries. Oh, fuck. You dumb motherfucker. You goofy motherfucker. Oh, man.

Geek in the pink? Geek in the pink is another big Maraz song. Gotta write one. Yeah, you have to write that down for sure. Was that sexual? No, no, it was... Geek in the Pink? Like about him fucking?

Mraz doesn't fuck. Mraz fucks? What else? Jeff, you're better at this. Jeff, you give a voice. Tales never told before. These stories are new. You never told me this story before.

It's fresh, never opened. Story hair told me this story before. It's fresh. Never opened. Story hair, get your story. Run. Bet you never heard this one. I got a good one for you. I'm going to say, is this new? And then someone say, and untold.

Is this new? And untold. I'm going to say, where have I heard this before? You're going to say'm going to say, where have I heard this before? You're going to say, nowhere. Hey, where have I heard this before? Nowhere. Damn, I've been fucking with these untold stories lately. Yo, Mad Head's been telling me stories I've never heard before.

What's that shit? I've been fucking with those. What? I've been fucking with those untold stories. Hey, yo, play me some of that new untold shit. I've been listening for a minute. That shit was mad untold. Yo, fuck, skip this.

Put on that new untold. Yo, yo, yo, skip this shit. You're now free to move about the untold story? You are now flying at untold story. Is it untold now? Good. Give me just like a groan. I'm like, fuck.

Just like something really. Oh, fuck this story. So new untold stories. So I guess that's a thing now. That's like a comedian trope. Mom, we don't want Brussels sprouts. What? Hold on.

I'm trying to think. Like, they want a new untold story. Fuck. Wait, wait, wait. You say it. It's not. It's a new untold story, but I'll do like a ding, like an oven goes off in between. Okay.

Oh, mom. Oh, mom. Brussels sprouts again? Wait, wait. Stop. Wait. Like a motherly... Yeah.

It's not. It's a fresh-baked untold story. Yeah. It's not Brussels sprouts. It's not. It's a fresh-baked untold story. That was a little seductive. I like seductive mom character.

Yeah. I'll have the next batch to... What? Was that seductive? Wait, wait, wait. Wait, wait, wait. Say, is this an old untold story? Is this an old told story?

Old told tale? Ask if it's an old told story. Hey, is this an old told story? Fuck no, baby! I want gotta throw in triumph. Ask again. He can't.

I think you should just have this as the podcast. Us trying. Well, I'm gonna put this uncut at the end. Ask me. Your voice already started to change. Ask me. Hey, wait a second.

Is this an old told story? Don't look at me. Hey, wait a second. Is this? Wait a goddamn second. Is this an old told story? Fuck no, baby. I can't.

I lost it. You have to do it. Hey, wait. Is this an old told story? Fuck no, baby! I lost it. Fuck no, baby! Fuck no, baby! I gotta be less...

Hey, wait. Is this an old told story Fuck no baby It's so hard Fuck no baby I can't That's it you don't even need to do it together That's fine

We do actually have to leave this in Old told Old and told You got together. That's fine. That's fine. We do actually have to leave this in. It's an old told. Old and told? Hey, is this story old and told? Oh, fuck no! Oh, baby! Oh, my God. Take one.

This is our first try. Hey. What's the matter, little guy? Because I see your veins pumping. I can't cut your tongue. I don't think you know how to scan. I can't. You always say zoop-a-doo.

That's why I don't try. You're always zoop-a-doing. That's why I don't try. You're always zoopa-doing. Zoopa-doopa-da-pa-da-da. That's not bad. All right, let's say it again. Zoopa-da-da-pa-da-da. I can't fucking do it. It is bad.