A New Untold Story - A New Untold Story: Ep. 213 - Phys Ed, PEMDAS, and P.E. Class

Episode Date: November 19, 2020

|| A New Untold Story: Ep. 213 || The boys discuss their old teachers, classmates, women cum tactics, and malls! || Producer: Tyler GoochmanYou can find every episode of this show on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or YouTube. Prime Members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. For more, visit barstool.link/anuspodcast

Hey, A New Untold Story listeners, you can find every episode on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or YouTube. Prime members can listen to ad-free on Amazon Music. a new untold story it's a fresh big untold story a new untold story finishing is my problem what? you can't finish? no I'm talking about boys

stop dropping rows why are you speaking in accent? I can't finish? No, I'm talking about boys. Stop, drop, and roll. Are you speaking in accent? No, no, I don't know. I don't know if I... We were fully convinced as little kids that stop, drop, and roll was the move. It still is the move. That we would be needing it to evade fires and third-degree burns. No, it is the move.

Oh, my God. Not for that reason, though, huh? You guys know what I'm talking about. Owen? Yeah. Stop. Oh, I got it. The real stop, drop, and roll.

Stop her from sucking your dick. Stop her from sucking your dick. You drop to your knees. Your knees. Yeah. And then drop to your knees. Your knees. Yeah. And then you roll your tongue on the wrist. Yeah. Yeah.

That's the only one we know. That's the Statsio. Yeah. And that's, they should teach that in school. Yeah. Yeah. Like that in Texas. We were learning that in kindergarten, Mrs. Wilson.

We didn't learn that. Learn what? The real Statsio. No, we were practicing the fire one over and over again. Yeah. For no reason. About 80% of our day.

Yeah, she was a worth... In hindsight, she was a worthless teacher. Wow. Wow. No, no, no. No, no, no. She might be listening. Who was the other kindergarten teacher?

I had Miss Wilson. There was Mrs. Wilson and the teacher's aide. The teacher's aide had her own class? Yeah. She was the best teacher at our school. She had a doctorate. A doctorate? Yeah, she was the highest tenured.

Then why was she just a teacher's aide? She was... Oh, no, no. We just call her that. We call her the... Why? She was... Oh, no, no. We just call her that. We call her the... Why? She had aides. Yeah, but she was an exceptional teacher.

Yeah, she is. What was she up to? Oh, God. That was 20 years ago. She died 20 years ago. At the end of our kindergarten graduation. While we're on the subject of school, let's talk about phys ed.

At St. Vincent's? Yeah. Oh, you're talking about math class. Phys ed. Yeah, physical eddy. He was our math teacher. And his whole thing, he tried to convince us, and he succeeded. Physical learning is the best way to learn math.

It's not visually. It's not whatever the other ways are. Right. He's like, I have to physically show you how to do parentheses or math. PEMDAS. PEMDAS. Yeah, that's right. And he was handsy. Yeah.

That was his thing. I remember we were trying to learn. He made you guys hands-on learners? Instead of a mnemonic device for like PEMDAS, he taught, he taught. Yeah. It was standard for. Well, P meant pelvis.

And E is elbow. E is elbow. M was. God, how quickly I forget. My mind is going. Maybe it's a repressed memory. M was mouth. D was...

D was... A was... A was ass. And then S was scrotum. S was scrotum. In his defense, that was the easiest way to learn. That was phys ed. He was a good teacher.

No, but gym class. Gym class. And you're talking about Latin class. Yeah, Father Jim. Father Jim taught it. I remember the one time I raised my hand. I was like, Father Jim, Latin is a dead language, right? Big mistake.

Oh, my God god speaking of dead he didn't like that uh pe class i didn't like none of me liked that no no no uh pe class though a pe he was the best miss well we had i think we had like a Guinness World Record. It was never official. I don't think they keep records for that. But we had like the most PE teachers in one single semester out of any school. And I would compete with, I don't know, the whole world. Easily.

We were cycling through PE teachers. Yeah, we had how many in one semester? Late, mid to late 20s, maybe early 30s. Yeah, I mid to late 20s maybe early 30s yeah i think it was up to the early so there was one you know the one that we had for a hot minute mr gibbous wayne gibbous duane gibbous oh his name was duane but god god forbid if someone tried to call him wayne we had her three and a half weeks and it was the strangest thing like coming back the next week and be like oh yeah no but he's still here it's funny like that i said dwayne you said wayne he yeah was racist very racist and embarrassed of his name yeah he was like dwayne i don't want anyone mistaking me for being black like even like a

tele what is what is it like a phone over the phone so he was like i'm even like a tele... What is it? Like a phone? Over the phone. So he was like, I'm Wayne. A telemarketer. And I remember like he was... Our classes, our 7th and 8th grade classes respectively, were hypothetically fuckable. Hypothetically? Yeah.

Yes. Yeah. I remember I always assumed that until it was factually proven that I was fuckable. And thanks to Mr. Gibbous. We went from hypothetically fuckable to factually fuckable. I was factually fuckable. Seventh grade year, I didn't know it for the longest time.

You assumed. Mr. Gibbous proved it. Yeah, he was. I remember some parents got mad at him. Parents would come into the pta meetings what would they say they said uh you know duane gibbous he was in there uh and they were talking to the principal duane gibbous uh he's been fondling my child and he's like whoa whoa whoa me it's way it's fucking wayne um uh yeah our squad a weird dynamic do you remember the uh the twins that transferred in um the twin we the toys they weren't even twins

they were brothers they were brothers, Floyd and Alan, but... Yeah. Oh, fuck. Oh, my God. I loved Alan. I hated Alan. Why? He was a smug cunt.

How? Yeah, he was a wet blanket. Debbie Downs. Floyd was much cooler. He was always sunburned. Yeah. We would go to the beach. Yeah, it's because he was always outside having fun.

He was sunburned in the middle of the winter. Yeah. We called him Pink Floyd. Alan was a dickhead. I love Alan. We're still friends to this day, so I'd rather not be talking about that. They weren't even twins. I'm talking about the twins that transferred in.

Oh. Because we're from a small town, and this family, the Lackmans. The Lackmans, yeah. We saw the roster sheet at the beginning of the year, and we saw two names. Yeah. Yeah. We saw the roster sheet at the beginning of the year, and we saw two new names. Yeah. And you couldn't tell on the roster sheet that they were an African-American family.

No, we didn't know at the time. Because they had pretty racially neutral names. Yeah. It was Gabe. It was Gabe and Beyonce Lackman. We did. Until they came in. The look of shock on my face.

How could we have known? Beyonce Lackman, she was the hottest in the school to us. Eas look of shock on my face. How could we have... Beyonce Lachman, she was the hottest in the school to us. Easily. Yeah. Easily. We all had a crush on her. And she was popular.

Yes. Gabe, on the other hand... Well, Gabe, on top of being like the only African-American boy besides his sister... And we did not...

No one... No one discriminated against him we were very accepting of him for that right um but he was uh also he he was he was gay he was gay yeah and uh and some of the kids did give him shit for that which was awful right so gabe yeah gabe uh so like i remember on the on the playground we were just uh it was just gabe it was gabe blackman alone and uh we it was we were trying to like hey come like we wanted him to like look at smut with us we had a magazine and i remember gabe blackman he was hola hooping he had a he had a big bang yeah and gay black man. He was hula hooping. He had a big bang.

Yeah. He had one big bang. I know what you're talking about. We were trying to coerce him to come look at our magazine. We had a magazine. We wanted him to come look at some Busty Petites. Because at the time, we loved Busty Petites. It was a thing.

Whatever. 2007. Busty Petites were in. Busty Petites. It was a thing, like whatever, 2007. Busty Petites were in. Busty Petites were the Petite. What were the two types of women? Which ones? You know. Rascals? Or good?

The Rascals and the Flats. There's also good girls. There's good girls. The type that you bring home to mom. Yeah. And then there's busty petites. Busty petites. You bring those home to dad.

You just bring those home. You just bring those home. And they'll bring you home. They'll bring you home. Yeah. But we were always trying to get Gabe to look at them. He was like, no, I'd rather hoop. Yeah.

I'm like, what? You trying to shoot basketball? Basketball? Yo, push your bang back and come over yeah we could fucking play knockout he's like no guys i want to go hoop i'm a hula hooping um who else do we um there was the kid he was really cool We already mentioned me. We actually didn't. Okay. Shelton?

Yeah, he was super cool, but he had a deaf mom. Oh, yeah, yeah. He was drinking before everyone, kissing girls before everyone. He had access to all, like, he was rich. He almost had it all. Yeah, he was a very cool guy, but deaf mom. Deaf mom sucks. So I couldn't hang out with him.

It's like a bulge. It's a bulge. My dick bulge. Dick bulge. I don't need to show off a bulge. I got the real thing. Well, I mean, a bulge is the real thing. All right, great, okay.

People tell me all the time that from the waist down, I have the biggest penis. Just from the waist down. Just the waist down. Because, you know, I'm not saying I have the biggest. All the better to fuck with. Well, we got to chill with that. Fuck talk? My girl just said like...

Your girl? Yeah. She just said, stop talking about pussy so much on your new podcast. Like pussy and fuck. I guess we did that a lot last episode. Okay. She gave me an ultimatum. Which is?

If we talk about pussy or sex, it has to be about her pussy or her sex. All right. I'll start. Let's talk about her pussy. It just doesn't hit the same. Yeah. I don't know It just sucks

So what have you been doing? I've been bored Because I can't Not just on the podcast Anywhere You can't talk about pussy anywhere? In general She said I can't talk about pussy

Unless it's hers I've noticed you've gotten a little tame What domesticated? Yeah I've been growling less Yeah but I've been bored as fuck Let one growl i started reading books you started shit yeah that's how bored i'm like uh fiction non-fiction like some old older shit

like um academic stuff like history textbooks like our yearbook our high school yearbooks you were you've been reading yearbooks you You couldn't afford one, could you? I had a couple. I was looking through them, actually, and our high school was weird. Yes. I don't know if it was like a West Virginia thing or it was just our high school. Like the superlatives. Oh, we got to, that's weird because I was looking through a friend's yearbook who wasn't from West Virginia.

Josh Fields. And he went to Jersey school. Okay. And I went to college with him. I was looking through a friend's yearbook who wasn't from West Virginia, Josh Fields. And he went to Jersey school. And I went to college with him. I was looking through his yearbook. And he had just regular superlatives. He had best dressed, best smile, best eyes. Yeah, those were normal. But we had different ones.

Well, we had some of the normal ones. We had some of the normal ones. So we did have best dressed, best smile, most smile, best eyes. But then things got weird. It got kind of fucked up. And I didn't think of it back then. In hindsight, very fucked up. We had furthest eyes.

We did. Farthest eyes. Farthest eyes. It was based on pupillary distance. Uh-huh. Because I remember the triplets won it. The McFaddens? McFadden triplets. But I remember. Granted, they deserved it. They triplets won it. The McFaddens? McFadden triplets.

But I remember... Granted, they deserved it. They ran away with it. Their eyes were on their temples. They were horse girls. What? No, they weren't equestrians. Oh.

Yeah. But I remember... They only had peripheral vision. They could not see. And they were mostly blind. They were blind were so they couldn't wear glasses yeah two were contacts and then one couldn't get contacts in their eyes so one one just wore two monocles yeah oh my god i was gonna say when you said horse girls, they could not because they ate sugar cubes. Because they could not afford a horse.

They were poor. They won poorest parents as well. And they won worst lunch? No, they won least lunch. That's right. But what were some of the other ones? I thought I was going to win cleanest backpack. I thought you did win that.

You tell people that. They got rid of the award. So basically, when I walked into the school, they checked my backpack every morning. And that was kind of a cheat code. I know. Yours was spotless, though. I kept it spotless because I knew they were going to check it. You did deserve that.

Yeah, but they got rid of it. What else was there? Gabe may have won one superlative. Yeah, he won. Did he win least white? No, Gino. No, Gino Catalano because he was Italian. Gabe got snubbed.

Our board was racist. were like they don't want him winning anything he but he did he won right what was it most likely to succeed no i don't think because he wasn't smart or talented at all so what you're thinking no no i'm talking about five words most most likely to succeed oh to suck see yeah yeah okay yeah he did win that he won that and then and you're it was problematic but i remember the most progressive thing in our town's history not just our school was in they renamed they went for the we used to have them the fattest or the most fat most fat fat yeah and they changed that it was groundbreaking that they changed it to what?

People were actually upset. They were just like, this is the pussification of America. But it was biggest splash. But mind you, this wasn't a competition. They would not let you jackknife. They wouldn't let you pinball. I tried. No, this was purely jumping. It was a loophole to see who's the fattest.

They judged water displacement. purely jump in. It was a loophole to see who's the fattest. They judged water displacement. And, well, technically it worked, because the person who won Biggest Splash was the fattest. By far. By a large margin. It was the girl with, um, she had Prader-Willi syndrome.

Oh my god. Did you win any? I think you won Worst Driver. No. I was reckless with my Corolla. Wrecked it a bunch of times, yeah. I remember. But, um, I didn't. No. I was reckless with my Corolla. Wrecked it a bunch of times. Yeah. I remember. But I didn't win, and I was pissed.

How did you not win? We won it. It was Dustin. Oh. Kahn-Bacher. Oh, yeah. Yeah, it was a big deal. He secured that win coming home from prom.

Yeah, posthumously. Yeah, he won that. Yeah. I didn't complain too much. He deserved it. Yeah, you're right. There was really no competition what else was there i won i did win something what did you win was it most crafty most artistic yeah i was i was decent drawer you were far from the best i think you won it because popular teacher miss mcglumpy, who polled us, who surveyed the students, she had a very bad speech impediment.

Hypothetically. I see a girl at a bar. I feel like you haven't. Go on. I go up to her and I say, hey, excuse me, miss. Yeah. What I'm offering you right now is a five for five for five. What is that? A meal? A five for five for five. What is that?

A meal? A five for five for five. What is that? That is, I ask for five minutes of their time. Okay. Okay. I guarantee five orgasms. No less.

And I use five different body parts. A body part per person. A body part per person. A body part. No. Wait, wait, wait. Five body parts. It's a body part. A body part. A body part. No. Wait, wait, wait. Five body parts. Yeah.

So your cock. Your cock and what are the other four? I don't. What? I don't use my cock to fuck. What? My cock remains fuckless. What am I, in high school?

Good point. Go on. So what are the five? Lips, mouth, left hand, right hand, and lungs. Lungs? A simple exhale on the clit. Yeah, that'll do it. Every time.

Forgot. Every time. Five minutes. What is that band? They were like the hippies. They came to our mall, the one near us, and did like a signing. Rusted Root. Those guys sound like Julie.

Yeah, yeah. How does it go? I would like to reach out my... What? That doesn't sound a thing like Rusted Root. Was that what you were going for? Yeah, that was my

Rusted Root. I mean, maybe one of them i wouldn't say i have a big dick per se in like it's a it's a complex question because if if a girl were to ask me about my dick size if a girl asked me if i had a big dick i would say it depends because it's a game of comparisons. Oh, it always has been. Are we comparing to humans or all beings, all organisms, all living creatures, cretins? So, yeah, if you compare my dick to beings, big dick.

Right. To humans? Fuck no, bitch! Jesus Christ, Kyle. Holy fuck. dick right to humans fuck no jesus christ kyle holy fuck but it's just like you're compared to humans no i've seen it no at the i remember it was at the mall it was outside walden was it gac or walden books uh it was a great. Okay, but you were on one. You were in a weird mood. I had just lost my virginity. Wait.

At the mall. No, you didn't. Yes, I did, in a hurricane simulator. What? I was in there with a girl. I remember that. And I was swept right into her. That thing was a glorified fan.

There's no way you... Your dick went right? My boy jailbroke it. Jailbroke? Jailbroke the hurricane. Marcus. Dead Marcus? Yeah, dead Marcus.

Jet... He jailbroke my iPod. Yeah, he was a tech whiz. He jailbroke the hurricane simulator at the mall? Outside of the GAC. Before he died, I'm guessing. The day he died. Did he die in the hurricane simulator?

No, he died in Spencer Gifts. Oh. He was a real bad epileptic. He was an epileptic. Yes. He was swiping through the the posters too fast yeah his parents were very protective and uh he would go into spencer gifts to look at the women on the posters and he just didn't he was flipping through the uh too fast they had

the neon the mushrooms the the weed the mona lisa periodic table of drinking yeah um yeah and he died in spencer a He had a seizure. He actually did. Yeah, that's why we called him Dead Marcus. He didn't have that nickname. That's why we call him it now. Before that, we never called him Dead Marcus. It would just be Marcus.

Before that, yeah. But then there was another Marcus. Alive Marcus. We didn't call him that. What's he up to? He sucks. I hated him. Yeah, wrong Marcus. God took the up to? He sucks. I hated him. Yeah, wrong Marcus.

God took the wrong Marcus. I went to Marcus's funeral. Wait. Dead Marcus's. Yeah. Okay, I think I did too. Because I was at the mall the day he died. I felt obligated.

My parents made me. Yes. Yes. I know where he's from. I felt obligated. My parents made me. Yes. But it was... Yes. I know where he's... It wasn't all that bad of a day. No, because we met somebody... Is it fair to say famous? Probably the most famous person in our town. That visited our town.

Yeah, that's what I'm talking about. Spencer. It was Mr. Gift. But he did... No, no, no. It's funny now, in retrospect, but he did no, no, no. It's funny now in retrospect, but he did show up to Dead Marcus' funeral. And for those who have never

seen Spence, my God, you can tell. Yeah. And what did he give during the wake? What did he bring to the family? It wasn't like a fart spray, but it was the candy bikini.

It was the fart machine. So I remember he put it in dead Marcus's pocket in the casket. And then from the crowd, you heard... Oh, shit. Yeah. And God was Spence. He's a hell of a guy. No wonder we looked up to him.

The whole gift family. what the fuck did he look like he he had um yeah what oh what did he look like he had uh eight nose piercings um he he was wearing a t-shirt that said uh um yeah i he was dressed for the occasion his occasion god