A New Untold Story - A New Untold Story: Ep. 214 - i'm sorry...

Episode Date: November 27, 2020

|| A New Untold Story: Ep. 214 || The boys discuss disabilities, Halloween costumes, big peeholes, and big fish! || Producer: Tyler GoochmanYou can find every episode of this show on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or YouTube. Prime Members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. For more, visit barstool.link/anuspodcast

Hey, A New Untold Story listeners, you can find every episode on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or YouTube. Prime members can listen to ad-free on Amazon Music. KB, you're still fucking around with that paraplegic. What? Weren't you fucking a paraplegic? That's what you told me. No, I was fucking around with a pair of pelagics. We would have threesomes. Two quads. What are they up to?

They're still chilling at my place. Yeah. They'll leave when I'm ready. Hey, is that story old or told? No, baby! Did you want to tell a story? I knew I untold story. A new untold story. It's a fresh big untold story.

A new untold story. And that's why I like fucking one-armed women a little bit more than the two-armed counterparts. Why? Because I don't know if it's the wrestler in me or if i like checking pulses a lot but i like wrist control when i'm but why why do you want resting missionary why do you need the risk i don't want because i don't want a free hand trying to take credit for my work you think she's going to stimulate herself. Yeah, like touch her clit while I'm throwing. That's my job. That's my thing.

That's my sex. That's my penetration. Don't get your hand away. Flip it on him. You know what I'm talking about, boys. Not ever. Gay men are calling him the most closeted critic of all time. The closeted critic.

The closeted critic. He's gone through all 274 episodes of Will and Grace. Yeah. Gave everyone a one star. And not just a one star, like a five paragraph in-depth review about how bad each episode is. You could print out his reviews and it would just be like, damn, I didn't. He's sitting on a coffee table. It looks like the Goblet of fire on there.

And he's like, well, granted, I did not even watch this episode, but it's not. I can tell it's not for the common man. That same guy's like, oh, for God goes to the gay porn section of Pornhub. And it's just like comments like, what the fuck happened to this site? Yeah, this site used to be for real, man. It's gotten so soft. I want my 12 minutes and 30 seconds back. He watched the entire thing.

Yeah. Oh, shit. That same kind of guy, like when they said spongebob was gay earlier that was recent yeah that was like this year he panicked because he went as spongebob in like fifth grade for halloween like a youtuber apology video yeah he like apologized for like just like uh dude oh and cue up some like a sad song do you see see the thumbnail? It's just titled, I apologize or I'm sorry. All lowercase. All lowercase with an ellipses.

And it's just him sitting in like an empty room, disheveled. Like, yeah, hair, like purpose. Like he like went out of his way to make his hair disheveled. Wait, I've been around plenty of babies, newborns, infants, toddlers, the like. None of them make the wah sound. Yes, the babies cry like that. They don't go wah. That's the exact sound they make.

Yeah, you sound just like a baby crying. No, you sound like a baby. Really? Yes. Thank you, guys. What did you think babies cry like? I only make babies laugh, smile, or moan. Never cry.

Never cry. Cry out? Ah, shit. I don't... You guys don't cry, do you? We're all men here. Movies get me. Documentaries get me.

Documentaries? Like, Dear Zachary? Banksy could fucking spray. Spray? I watched Exit Through the Gift Shop, and it moved me to fucking tears. I've never seen... You cried during Exit Through the Gift Shop. It moved me to tears.

I don't cry often during movies but documentaries okay so not dear zachary or like one of the other sad it was exit through the gift shop the the sea world one oh yeah big fish no no that was black fish black fish but big fish was very sad as well i googled big fish not too long ago to see where the giant guy was. The Tim Burton one, right? The Tim Burton Big Fish. Oh, the big dude, yeah. He played a giant.

He was a giant. Was, exactly. I think Tim used some Photoshop to make him look bigger, but he was. You think Tim Burton Photoshopped the man? As opposed to what? He was nine feet tall. He was the world's largest actor. Why, he still isn't?

No, because he's now negative six feet tall. Dead. What? Oh. Long dead. No way. Because he hasn't been dead for that long. Late 2000s.

Long dead as in, like, length of the corpse. The length of his... Oh. Yeah, he was, like, nine feet. He... Owen his... Oh. Yeah, he was like nine feet. He... Owen, fact check that. Was he like the world's tallest... Was he just the world's tallest man?

Big fish. He was... Matthew McGrory. I don't care about his name. Sorry. World's tallest actor. Okay. World's biggest feet.

World's longest fingers. World's tallest actor. Okay. World's biggest feet. World's longest fingers. World's biggest toe. That actually sucks. Among many other things. That actually sucks because... Why? You know they measured his dick too. Yeah, yeah.

This list of accolades. He had every individual finger, every individual toe, every arm, every appendage was a world record holder. Besides his penis. You walk into his house, and you see all these Guinness World Record plaques, and there's one barren square. It's just like the outline of one. And that's what draws your eye. You ignore all these records. What is that for?

Mr. McGrory? My word, Mr. McGrory. Did that plaque fall? The Guinness employee, like the appraiser or whatever you... The measurer. The measurer. She flies out and she has like a clipboard of all... She's checking every body part. All the body parts in alphabetic order.

And he's just standing there like crooked and disformed and naked. As one would. And she's like going through walking around and pacing like a shark around blood. Just arm. Yeah, okay, you got it. Okay, I'll be his internal monologue. Somehow she measures his bladder. Yeah, you got the biggest bladder.

Cock is coming next. That's your McRory voice? I don't know how to do that. Clavicle. Yeah, you have the longest clavicle. Cock is next. Cock is next. Deltoid.

Yeah, you got the- Whoa. No, no, no, no. Dick is next. I got this. I got this. I got this. And she's like all the way down. He's like, you have the longest nose, the biggest nose.

Oh, fuck. No, no. Penis. How did I forget? Penis is the medical term for it. She like lifts up his shirt and he's like, all right, here it comes. He's like, oh, wow, deepest navel. Yeah, you got it.

Palm, yeah. And she like pulls down his pants. Pelvis. Yeah, you have the biggest pelvis. Next. And she like pulls down his pants. Pelvis. Yeah, you have the biggest pelvis. It's next, it's next. It has to be next. She like glances at his dick for a split second out of the perifs. She just like goes, ribs?

He's like, and he's like in denial. He's trying to think of like letters after uh p that it could be a synonym for dick he's making up words like uh maybe it's zonker he's like holding out he's so yeah i remember yeah i'm pretty sure guinness is like pg they're gonna call it a zonker that's like a thing that they do. He finds out he's in fourth place. He has the fourth biggest dick. He might as well. Yeah. Every other body part is the biggest.

And he's the fourth. He's not even a medalist. He wants to podium so bad. What? He wants to be like the Australian guy in the 1968 Olympics. Who had his fist in the air. He said, I just want to be third. If I can just get that, the third biggest dick erased.

He's like, hire a hitman to hunt down the third biggest dick. It's like the plot of a movie. I would watch that. That would be an incredible movie. The guy in the third biggest cock. We need him dead. To kill a cock in third. To kill a cock in third.

Starring Christian Bale. Who spent six months growing out his dick to prepare for this role. I've never seen any commitment like this. His most intense role since The Machinist. We tried to have Robert Duvall, but he was too limp. He's too old and flaccid for this role. We need to bail. People were just like,

he's so committed to the craft, he grew out two inches of dick a month. Christian, no! He went too far. We just need the third biggest dick, not first christian's always christian bale it's like his dick is gigantic he was method acting as a as a the method acting is the world's largest dick yeah but the thing about the guinness only measures erect penises. Oh. Yeah, of course. And so sometimes people get shy, especially around prestigious members of Guinness.

She's wearing a Guinness polo. It's very nerve-wracking. But there's like four different ones. They hold a summit. All of the people in the running get measured in the same conference. Yeah, they fly them out. And he looks. So he's in there.

His fingers are crossed because there's one, like, ugly-ass judge. He's just like, there's no way. There's, like, three measurers who are, like, hot women. And he gets the ugly one. He gets the ugly one. He can't stay hard. Like, he can stay hard for, like, two seconds. I'm back for Thanksgiving.

I'm probably going to hook up with an old fling. I'm mad horny right now. You're mad horny? Yeah, mad horny. You just reunited with your family? Well, that's, there's no correlation to that. What are you talking about, an old fling? That girl I used to fuck around with?

One of your exes? I don't think we ever were official, but it's just somebody. Is this who I think it is? That chick I used to fucking pound out? The dumb one? The hot one? She was extraordinarily stupid. Yeah, she was pretty hot by any means.

Well, she was borderline ugly no she wasn't physically hot i get that but like that physically hot yeah and how she always had a fever no uh she uh she had she had she had perks she was pretty gross looking, but extraordinarily dumb. I will admit she was very dumb. Perks like Panera. She worked at Panera. She did work. Yeah, that was a perk. But she was maybe the dumbest person I've ever met.

She thought ampersands. She thought and symbols. Yeah. Were like cursive fancy a's like the disney like they made the a sound yeah yeah so uh so you know she would always search like h&m on her

phone when we would shop and she uh yeah we'd always end up at like delis or butcher shops. She thought I was playing with my friends at night. She thought you were playing with dad? Yeah, D&D. She thought I was just going over to my boy's house. Yeah, when you would go to your Dungeons and Dragons tournaments,

she thought you were like fishing with your father. Aw, that's sweet potato sack races yeah yeah she was um incredibly dumb yeah i remember she's the one i met her she's like yeah i work at the panera i was like which panera because there's a few in the area she's like the one in the strip mall between the har block and the at at store yeah she did say she she did comprehend uh symbols she like she meant well though i told her once i love medieval times what i told her i love medieval times you do love Medieval Times. And she remembered that. She tucked that away. And then one day at work, she swung by and surprised me with a Medieval Times takeout. That was the point of Medieval Times.

She thought you just loved their herb-based potatoes. Yeah. Chicken breast. Yeah. Nick must be craving like a boiled goose right now or a leg of lamb. She said he was jousting. She thought that was like a Japanese dish. Jousting.

Yeah. Yeah, she did. That was the one in Washington, PA, right? Yes. This was barely a medieval times. I don't think it was even – They were under – Undercredited medieval times.

So there's only one guy on a captured pony from Assateague Island. So he had to get off the horse if anyone ordered takeout. He would have to get off his horse. It was a feral pony, so it would run wild and like... It hurt a child. I think it killed a little boy. Yeah, he never had anybody to joust with, so you just watched Target practice. Yeah, the boy died that was it did um it yeah it did yeah she loved like fantasy and stuff like that though so she

loved going to medieval times with me so that was cool she loved harry potter was obsessed i remember that harry potter yeah i think i think she thought it was real she thought it was a work of non-fiction i think she just thought that's how england was like yeah like um witchcraft and wizardry was uh like the metric system or like the pound yeah so like that's something that was like the uk has Quidditch. We drive on the right side of the road. They have potions class. And it's just, it was all, she just thought it was a cultural difference.

It was merely a cultural difference. That, actually, her love of Harry Potter. What is that dumb bitch up to now? She's a teacher in Chattanooga. A teacher? She moved to Chattanooga. She's an elementary school teacher. The way when I thought they deserved higher pay.

She's in Chattanooga teaching? Yeah, I saw a news article about her like two years ago. She got in some hot water. What? It was her love of Harry Potter that actually ended up getting her in trouble. How? She convinced the principal to do a Harry Potter-themed first day of school.