A New Untold Story - A New Untold Story: Ep. 215 - Are You A Wizard?

Episode Date: December 3, 2020

|| A New Untold Story: Ep. 215 || The boys discuss the Beatles, sticky penis, and high school basketball!! || Producer: Tyler GoochmanYou can find every episode of this show on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or YouTube. Prime Members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. For more, visit barstool.link/anuspodcast

Hey, a new Untold Story listeners, you can find every episode on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or YouTube. Prime members can listen to ad-free on Amazon Music. Oh, fuck. Your Untold Story feels so fucking good right now. Oh, fuck, it feels so good. Your Untold Story feels so good gripped around my cock. Around my hard cock. Oh, fuck.

Say your Untld story. No, you're just going to say, like, no, that's a new untold story. Hey, is that story old or told? Fuck no, baby! It's a new untold story. A new untold story. It's a fresh-baked untold story. It's a fresh, big, untold story.

A new untold story. Were you suggesting that the penis is gripping from the inside? I think, hmm, like a sappy tree? Yeah, I think the penis is gripping from the inside? I think, hmm. Like a sappy tree? Yeah, I think the penis is holding on. Like when you put pine tar on a baseball bat? You put it on your penis to make it... I don't know if his penis was big or just sticky.

A little grippy dick. That's an old hockey trick. Yeah. Because girls are so stupid. They confuse That's an old hockey trick. Because girls are so stupid. They confuse stickiness with size. I felt my pussy gripped around his dick, but I think it was just a sticky dick. His dick is like a wide receiver glove. You throw a bullet pass at his dick and it's fucking stuck there.

I get that, but what made you think it was big? I could see that being the next viral tweet Like girl was his dick big or was it just sticky? You got that sticky dick It truly is Pine tar Maple syrup Glue Glue

Double sided tape You tell her it's just a condom Pine tar, maple syrup. Glue. Glue. Can anyone say glue? Double-sided tape. You tell her it's just a condom. It's double-sided tape. Yeah. Then you're never leaving. You're just going to nut up in there. Just fucking cozy up.

You're stuck. Shit. Get stuck in a pussy. Worst places to be stuck. Yeah, tell you what. The clamps, she puts the vice grip on that zinc. You know you could actually get stuck in a pussy. Worst places to be stuck. Yeah, tell you what. The clamps, she puts the vice grip on that zinc. You know you could actually get stuck in a pussy? Prove it.

I gotta look it up, what it's called. What it's called? Like a medical term for it. I've heard it happens to some. Heaven. I heard it could happen for up to nine months for some people. Yeah. Just stuck in a pussy.

Ah, mom. Brussels sprouts again? It's not. It's a fresh-baked untold story. I heard that, like, people were telling it to me like it was a stone-cold fact, and I was an idiot for not knowing it. In what way? Did they give each other handjobs?

Well, they made it seem like they were on some drug shit. Like that they were on fucking acid or something and that they were just stroking each other off recreationally. Like, they never even came up

in the bisexual textbooks. No one ever even considers them bisexual. Side by side or face to face? I don't get mentions in that category. I don't even think that they're in the liner notes. They're not even in the bibliography of the bisexual textbook.

They're just forgotten members. I don't know. They just skated by. They found the loophole of... Maybe... Jerking each other off. The Beat Ls. They would beat off Ls, Liverpoolians.

The Beat Ls. The Beatles. It's me. I play with my drumstick. Oh, you're Ringo right now. Ringo Starr, yeah. You're straight. Okay, Mr. Starr.

He does make Jeffrey Starr sound like a plumber. He makes Jeffrey Starr sound like the straightest dude. Like, fucks women. Get off. Beringa. He's just beating dudes off. I think they were trying to tell us something when you look at their

song titles. Like what? I Am The Walrus. Yeah, I mean, that could mean like two tusksks you're kind of playing with a couple tusks i'm fucking losing the action sounds way worse when i say it like that i don't think i don't think you can say tusk anybody in a british accent it's one of those words you just can't say in a british accent or it's probably pronounced completely different tus Toosk. Yeah, that's it.

They do toosk. They whistle when they say. Yeah. They used to tell John Lennon's dad. Ringo would be beating off fucking John Lennon and they'd tell John Lennon's dad, here comes the sun.

Oh, fuck. It would be sitting there. They'd tell him to... Here it comes. I mean, I want to hold your hand. Oh, my God, yes. You want to move the hand. And the ultimate mutual masturbation song,

Come Together. Oh, man. Fuck. I want you Oh, man. Fuck. I want you to come together. Yeah. Come play with my yellow submarine. The strawberry fields.

You know how you get sensitive after, like, you come? You don't, there's let it be. Let it be. They're trying to towel him off. Let it be. He wants it to dry up. They're trying to towel him off Strawberry fields That could be something Fuck this story

If she wasn't publicly Burmese... What does that even... Everybody knew she was from Burma. Myanmar. What? Yeah, but what were we talking about? High school? Yeah, you... Me?

No, your problem... That wasn't your problem. You... I think most girls assumed you were heterosexual. All girls knew I was. But your problem, you would have pulled. I still am. You would have pulled so much more if you weren't such a stereotypical nerd.

I pulled plenty, and in what way was I stereotypical? Nick, you checked every box. What? Did you wear glasses? No, I did not. Was it clear that you needed glasses? Yeah. Yeah.

Oh, boy. I squinted to and fro. You looked like a rejected deliverance audition. But you, yeah, and that was just the, there was way more you knew all the pokemon still do i remember you thought it was cool like to recite them in reverse alphabetical order it's impressive no no boy you were talking about uh zig lagoo zap zapados That is. By the time you got to War Turtle, there was not a single hoe in earshot or shooting distance. I was surrounded by horses, and I could promise you everyone wanted to suck me.

Suck you? Nah. Nah. And you knew all the Pokemon derivatives and offshoots. You had to. Down to a side. It went hand in hand. Digimon, Bakugan, Beyblade, Yu-Gi-Oh.

Exactly. Jesus Christ. You were in chess club. No. What? No. You've said that before. I was in chess club.

And that was hard to get in. Chess club? Mm-hmm. Okay. That was equally nerdy. No, and it was hard yes that's why like how did you get on chest club well yeah what was the process of getting on chest club the xiphoid process no a lot of really cool the best athlete in our school was in that. No, I didn't do it.

I didn't have time for clubs. I was wrestling year-round. That's how I got my D1 scholarship. You weren't the best. What? James. James? Sick James?

Yes. No, no, no. He was the best basketball player. By a country mile. Yeah, no, he was. But he was unrecruitable. He was always sick. You're acting like that was his fault.

He wouldn't pass a single physical. He had a chronic respiratory issue. No, I know. Exactly. He missed like 70% of the games every season. Yet he was still one of our school's top scorers. He was. Every game was his flu game.

He was like coughing up and down the court. And we would like chant it back to him. We would cough back on him. We would be barking along with him. Yeah. We called him Lebron-chitis James. We fucking did. And that like he could have been like King James.

Yeah, I guess so. But he was always coughing. He was asking for it. He would raise his hand. Oh, he was a nuisance to be in class with. Every ten seconds. Yeah, I had AP history with him. I sat behind him in a class, and I was certain, like, okay, he's going to die within three days.

I know. I remember I pre-wrote a eulogy for him. I wanted to be, like, the wholesome, funny guy. Everybody did that. I would fantasize about delivering it at his funeral. You always wanted to do that. I just, I went to get him a card once, like a Get Well Soon card. Well, that's...

Soon would never come. It's pretty selfish to sneak in a Get Well Soon before he croaks. I got him a Get Well... I went into Hallmark and I was like... I felt like I was sad. I walk in. Get Well Soon and soon... I hear him coughing in Hallmark. He worked there.

James? Yes. No, no Hallmark. He worked there. James? Yes. No, no, no, no. He never worked at Hallmark. Yeah. No, no, no. He worked at maybe CVS or a different greeting card store. Why am I?

He had a Hallmark, though. On his face. What? I remember Mr. Husted got so fed up with his coughing that he just pelted him in the face with a cherry cough drop. You're right. The corner of it got him. He had a lozenge scar. Yeah, it was smudged with the cherry.

He looked like Drew Brees. He looked exactly like Drew Brees. He could. He looked exactly. But he was... Skin mar or not, he was cool. Wait, wait. I can't get over... He did look just...

Am I remembering this wrong? No, you're right. Just like Drew Brees. Exactly. Down to everything. Yeah, I guess. That's what we should have called him instead. Drew Weez. Yeah, I guess. That's what we should have called him instead. Drew-weez.

Flu-breeze. Either one. He was a pale white boy. He had albinism. No, he didn't. Oh, okay. He was always, yeah. He was always palely sick.

Doesn't matter what he looked like. He was athletic. He was cool. No, no, no. No, no, no. No, no, no. He was just as nerdy as you. No wonder he was in a chest club. He liked Marvel, but that was it.

Yeah, I remember going to his house, and his parents had it covered in figurines of action figures. Yeah. That wasn't his fault. It was his mom. His mom was a big Transformers person. No, she wasn't. Yes. No was his mom. His mom was a big Transformers person. No, she wasn't. Yes. No.

She was a former trans person. How? She was. How was she a former? Because she had the sex reassignment surgery and became a man. So woman to man. And then she regretted it and was like, she was like, fuck this.

Okay, back to woman. Went back to woman and like the LGBT community was like, is this person our hero or our enemy? Our enemy. Because she was like,

she was like, fuck, that was biggest regret of my life. But? She went back. She went back to man. She went back to man. So for those keeping score,

that's woman to man, woman to man. Four genders, three surgeries. Three surgeries because we called her post-optimist prime. Prime being the number. We did call her. Everyone called her post-optimist It was a school-wide thing It was

She wasn't a good person No, oh no No I always got a creepy vibe from her Or him And him She was creepy No matter what her pronouns were Got a creepy vibe from her. Or him. And him. She was creepy no matter what, her pronouns were. No, he got in trouble during the Me Too movement.

For the Me Too movement. No, it was way before that. Yeah, he got charged with rape way before. No, no. He didn't get charged. Well, he did rape. But what are you talking about? The Me Too movement, his second penis.

Oh, when he got re-penis'd. When it moved, when he was roused. Because he got two plasties. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, that's the slang, I think. He got plastied twice. Penis'd, de-penis'd, re-penis'd. De-penis'd and...

Un-penis'd. Is it un-penis'd? It's de-penis'd. Okay. No, because that sounds like you're grading the penis. Okay. It's un-penis, re-penis. D-penis, then... Un-penis. Is it un-penis? It's D-penis. Okay. No, because that sounds like you're grading the penis. Okay. It's un-penis. Un-penis.

Sorry, my mistake. The second penis was a micro-penis. Sure wasn't. Yes, it was. I would know. No, no, no. Why would he... He just really was like, I want a micro-penis?

Yeah, when she went in to get the surgery, there was the catalog of, you know, you could choose a celebrity dick. And she chose Mike Rowe, Dirty Jobs. Mike Rowe never had nudes leaked. So how would she have showed it? Yes, he did. What? What, Owen? Celeb Jihad.

Oh, Celeb Jihad is I don't even know that. Celeb Jihad is fake nudes. That is their entire model. I don't even know what Celeb— Is fake, like, Photoshop nudes. Wait, you don't know what Celeb Jihad is? Not a clue. You don't?

Not a clue. Were you not horny in 010? 010 was my softest year. By far. Around the clock. You weren't horny? It was my hardest year. Acad By far. Around the clock. You weren't horny? It was my hardest year. Academically and erectile-y.

I remember. I was in a bunch of AP classes. Overwhelmed. So you never saw the Misha Barton topless in a Best Buy parking lot? Yeah, we all saw that. I can't say I have. Eva Mendez. No.

The other ones. Mike Rowe? He must have. Yeah. You're saying he did? Yeah. No. The other ones. Mike Rowe? He must have. Yeah. You're saying he did? Yeah. Uh-huh. No, but Mike Rowe was like a legend in our town.

He was beloved in our area. I think everyone loved Mike Rowe. Yeah, but he did an episode of Dirty Jobs in Wheeling. He did, but it never aired. It never aired. So it pretty much didn't. It was after the flood and- When the Ohio River flooded.

Yeah. The entire—like, a lot of our town was destroyed. Yeah, and he went to the island. He was, like, waist deep. Okay, yeah, yeah. I heard about this because he was doing it with the restoration company. Panhandle. Yeah.

Yeah, and he was, like, waiting around in fecal matter. No, it was fetal matter. Because it was the Planned Parenthood, the one right on the river that flooded. That's right. So he had to go in there, and I forget what the process was to clean up all the shit. The episode was called Roe v. Wade. Yes, it was. Because I remember they announced it.

It was an earlier episode like episode nine dirty jobs roe v wade yeah and we're like let's go let's fucking go i think we uh we ordered a like we went to tj sports car like yeah they're gonna play it on the big screen i had my um appetizer sampler. I just got, I was, we were playing billiards. Yeah, you were.

Pool. Pool. And we were waiting for it and they were like, this episode isn't gonna air due to controversy. That's what they always say. I remember that vividly. That happens all the fucking time.

Due to controversial subject matter. I hate it when that happens. This episode isn't gonna air. Okay. Yeah, we get it. So, yeah. But no, Mike Rowe is the man. And speaking of dirty jobs.

Yeah. What? I was, a few summers ago, I was visiting my homie Connor. Okay. The one that went to Stanford. Okay. So, we were in Palo Alto or whatever. And he was like, he was high on weed he was like dude do you want to like micro dose shrooms and go to steve jobs's grave it's just like a mile away i was like um no and no i want to get fucked up and go to a party.

Not a cemetery. He was like, Steve Jobs is a legend, dude. It'll be unreal. I'm on, like, microdosing is trendy even in our town. It's not in our town. No, no, people are macrodosing heroin in our town. Well, they're trying it once.

Yeah, they're trying it last. And they're yeah, you're talking macro, they're trying it once. Yeah, they're trying it last. And they're, yeah. You're talking, they're overdosing. Yeah. Yeah. Rapidly. It's an epidemic.

Untold stories. So I guess that's a thing now. I actually met Wiz Khalifa before he even started rapping. Where? Because I was playing travel baseball. Okay. And we had a tournament in McKeesport, PA. Yeah.

And I remember he was there, like, passing out CDs. Like, I'm trying to make it. So he was rapping? Couldn't tell you. I didn't listen to the CD. Okay. But he was, like, passing it out to everyone. And it was at a time when like we're from West Virginia.

We're kind of sheltered. Yeah. And we just thought the fact that he had CDs meant he was like a legitimate rapper. Okay. So we were like gave him all the time of the day. We were like, oh, this guy's legit. And I remember I was like, yo, so like, dude, tell me, what's your goal? Like, what do you want out of this?

He was like, man. Oh, wait, you said this? Yeah. I was like, start from the very beginning, my man. Who are you going to be as a rapper? Like, who are you? He was like, I'm Cam. I'm Killer Cam.

And I was like, I love where you're starting. I love what you're trying to get at. But dude, Killer Cam, there's a rapper named Cam Ron. He's very famous and he goes by that. You got to be unique. This is you. Yeah. How old, you were 11?

10 or 11. And I was like, let me stop you right there, man. I see your vision. I know you want it because you're out here on the dog days of summer hustling trying to make it and i love that shit i love what you're about you got to be your own person i said my man can i call you cam he's like yeah call me cam i was like listen man what you got to be your own person killer cam exists and um i didn't say like i said killer cam exists in my prepubescent voice yeah but i yeah i had his full attention and he was looking dead in the eyes he was like so what so what should i do and i was like what what are your hobbies dude what are your hobbies i pulled out um a deck of cards it was my good luck charm in the dugout

yeah when my team was playing and i i showed him a real simple card trick he was like damn dude that was dope like yeah he was like are you like a wizard or some shit i was like nah man that's just simple magic but i saw a glow in his eyes when he asked me are you a wizard or some shit i was like wait wait wait ask me that again he's like no you just told me you're um you're just doing magic i know you're not a wizard now i was like no no no just ask me it again he was like are you a wizard or some shit face lit up that's it that's it that's it and i said you're the fucking wizard he's like what you mean i'm the whiz i was like yup should i just be whiz and i was like, nah, that's cheese. That's the type of cheese. You got to add something.

Yeah? Yeah. Keep going? He was like, Wiz what?