A New Untold Story - A New Untold Story: Ep. 216 - The Roadmap to VDP

Episode Date: December 10, 2020

|| A New Untold Story: Ep. 216 || The boys discuss therapy, Entourage, Ryan Gosling's ugly brother, and, of course, Vin Diesel! || Producer: Tyler GoochmanYou can find every episode of this show on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or YouTube. Prime Members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. For more, visit barstool.link/anuspodcast

Hey, A New Untold Story listeners, you can find every episode on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or YouTube. Prime members can listen to ad-free on Amazon Music. I didn't think so. I was actually with, like, a loud girl for the first time this weekend. I was, like, fucking her so hard. What? She was singing the Entourage theme song. What?

Ah. Yeah, she was going, Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Is it there? No, I wish. She was singing the first half.

What? The first half of the song. I don't even know how that goes. My mind has been enabled. In a memory you overflow. Want to be your superhero. Even if I tumble fall. You were like so many strokes saying like she's about to come.

Yeah. And then I actually. You see her opening her mouth. She's belting. I actually finished before we got to the chorus. I don't know if she ever even would have gotten there. I don't know if she was enjoying it. Yeah.

You were fucking Jeremy Piven. It's a fresh, big, untold story. I knew I told a scary story. So I actually think that's a problem because every podcast has the hot one. And I don't know which one. What identity are you looking for? Well, I just don't know who's the hot one of us. I don't want to say.

Owen? No. I don't want to be the guy who tells them. Somebody, I would say Nick. Somebody has to be the Ryan Gosling and somebody has to be the Keith Gosling. Wait, wait, wait. The Keith Gosling? His younger, uglier, dumber. Much dumber. Ryan Gosling? his younger uglier

dumber much dumber Ryan Gosling has a now I can't say this enough a lot dumber like how many minutes? clinically dumber on a test dumber

extended time dumber oh Gosling has a brother named Keith? like a hype I would just think it would suck to have such a sexy older brother. Right. And I'm just imagining the mom writing like her end of year Christmas note to friends. Just like 2020.

She's trying to be humble. She's the mother. She's very rich. She's the mother of Ryan Gosling. She has to be like deprecating toward her. Right. And so, you know, it's been a tough year for for all of us. You know, Ryan is trying to have a child with his wife.

He keeps Eva Mendez, you know, and he just can't. He has to fuck her tight little perfect pussy every single night without a condom. He has to come inside of Eva Mendez. And he has to do that every day. Every day. Multiple times. Sometimes she'll call him at lunch and be like, Ryan, you need to come here and fuck me.

And it is just exhausting. No words can describe the pain of somebody trying to reproduce and make a child, and they can't. So they have to repetitively come raw into Eva Mendez. And Keith, our boy Keith Gosling. It's been a rough year for him too. He swallowed his tongue

twice. Equal burdens on both sides. It's just tough. I know. And I feel for both Ryan and Keith. Ryan, he was in a movie that only made $55 million, which he's very embarrassed about because the budget was $50 million. So it only made $5 million. It didn't make much.

They're hoping it'll get some more play once it goes to Netflix. Yeah, maybe some royalty checks. And, you know, Keith, he's been choked on his uh pureed spaghetti um he always is choking on something yeah yeah you know and uh right you know you know uh ryan you know, he, he, you know, with COVID, Ryan couldn't make it to the Golden Globes and he was a shoe in to win. You know, he had a beautiful speech written and, you know, Keith had a seizure from a strobe light. So, you know, it's for both of our boys, you know, I love them equally, you know. It's been such a rough year for the Gosling family.

Would you rather fuck 25-year-old Jennifer Aniston or 45-year-old Jennifer Aniston? That's actually not bad. That's not a bad question, but I will do you one better. I'm going to go with Vin Diesel with a pussy. Say he just threw a wrench in your whole scheme. To be honest, it's, yeah. And like Jennifer Aniston, she's Diesel with a pussy. The thing about Vin's pussy is it is the tightest pussy.

And I hate being like that fuck boy who talks about pussies being tighter than others. But Vins. Vins is... There's tight... There's good puss. There's tight puss. And there's a Vins pussy. tight puss and there's a vins pussy so any hypothetical whether it's aniston 25 aniston 45 and things he treats me like he treats me horribly but like when i'm in that little pussy

of his in vins pussy i forget about all of that like i know like my friends are just like nick where were you last night like we missed you oh man i didn't feel like going out really yeah you weren't you weren't vin you weren't fucking you were with vin i always am and you white girls like you or white people love like a fight they love a violent man like subconsciously yeah um in vindy's vin vin was in he was in triple x he was in the furious someone who was violent and radical so that's why they always they always... You know. No, tell me.

Go ahead and tell me. You know. They always gravitate toward Vin and his puss. Shit. So if we're doing like shit, if we're doing like hypotheticals, yeah, it's Vin Diesel with a puss. Tokyo Drift.

All right, Kate Upton, prime. Ratajkowski, prime. Kate Upton, prime. Yeah. Ratajkowski, prime. Kate Upton, Megan Fox, prime. Pre or post 4th of July, Cat Daddy. Oh, fuck. Mid Cat Daddy? She's in the middle of the Cat Daddy. That was her prime.

Okay. Then you saw. You're forcing my hand here. You hacked my Mount Rushmore file. So, yeah. KU Prime. Me and the fellas will be debating this all night, and then I'll just play my trump card. Ivanka? No.

Tiana? It's Vin Diesel with a pussy. Vin Diesel with a pussy, yeah. And the thing about Vin's pussy, again, it feels just so good. I know. It's not just wet. I don't know how to describe it. No, it's not too wet.

You could shut it up with a pacifier. With a little baby binky. Wouldn't be able to queef. Be clogged up. It's... I hate... Like... I hate...

Vin has the Q-toe. One thing about Vin... Like, not even illegal... He... You were saying And I'm not even attracted to Vin Physically Physically

No It's It's that pussy It's the pussy It is the pussy So Vin's pussy For For the listeners

Trying to describe this to listeners Vin's pussy, for the listeners trying to describe this to listeners, Vin's pussy. Vin's pussy. I only find myself like really – like I've been good with it. I only find myself really craving it like right when I wake up and like after meals. Yeah. Well, you probably – Vin's pussy. You did lunges and squats the night before.

Do you remember I had a What paintball gun did you guys have? I had a spider Yeah With a Y You did yeah You had a tip man And you

This was before your time They peak yeah Remember the squeegee You would clean out the barrel Yeah You would clean it It would The paintballs would get

Lodged in there and they would break. You couldn't shoot the gun worth a shit. You had to get the squeegee. And it was oftentimes built for a larger barrel. It was a mistake by the Tippmann Company and the Spider Company. So squeezing that, and that's, squeezing that squeegee, what aezing that squeegee. What a good name. Squeegee.

Because you really had to squeeze it in there. It just brings me back to Vin's pussy. His cul-de-pussy. Every time you... Do you remember when I was on antibiotics for a couple weeks? Well, Nick, that was more than a couple. I know.

It was the girl I was fucking around with. It was a miscommunication. Because I was just like, hey, like, you know, right before we fucked, she was like, hey, it's about my pussy. Yeah. And I was like, what? She was like, I have a VD. I was like, oh, all the better. All the better.

I thought she meant she had a Vin Diesel. She had an extraordinarily tight Yeah I thought when she had a VD In regards to her pussy and she says she has a VD My mind immediately goes to A tight little pussy A tight little pussy yeah She was talking about what A venereal disease

Which is much different Because Vin's pussy. Not as tight as it was. It was just as clean and healthy. Vin, he has that bad boy mentality. Yeah, he has the tightest pussy. But it was the healthiest pussy too. Not just in Hollywood.

Period. Because there's this stigma of these Hollywood guys, these big name, these action movie stars. They have tight, cute, good pussies. But they're not necessarily clean or healthy. Vin's. Vin's was clean. It was healthy. Vins. Vins was clean. It was healthy. It was, what is the Islam word for it?

No, no, no, no. Not like that. Your mom is like a huge anti-vaxxer. My mom? Yes. Fuck no, baby. You gotta warn me before you do that. Sorry.

No, my mom's not a huge anti-vaxxer. I could have sworn I heard people talking about it. Calling her that. No, no,'s not a huge anti-vaxxer. I could have sworn I heard people talking about calling her. No, no, no. Her sister is. She's an anti-vaxxer? Well, we would call her anti-vaxxer. Because every time I would go over her house, she was giving me vaccines. Yeah, it was my Aunt Marla.

Wait, what? Every time I went to my Aunt Marla's house, she was giving me bootleg vaccines. She didn't trust my pediatrician. Treating you like a voodoo doll. Yes. Oh, yeah. She was like, Kyle, we can't have you getting tetanus, rubella, mumps, polio. There's so many things.

This was like in one babysitting session. Yeah, she was like, let's knock measles, rubella, tetanus out of the park today. And when you come back next, I'll get you ice cream, and then we can knock out polio and whooping cough. Yellow fever. And she convinced me that I... Because I didn't want any of that. Yeah.

That sounded like a death sentence. But yeah, she was stabbing me with a needle every time. The older I get, the more I realize she just had a thing for vaccines. She was addicted. You guys still talk to her? No, she's shunned from the family, like I said. We see her at Christmas. She'll get me.

She knows my buttons. She knows what buttons to push. What does that even fucking mean? I don't know. Get me a little tipsy. Breaks the needles out of you. And I can't refuse. But yeah, I will never be getting any of those sicknesses just my bachelor's which is

essentially useless because you need a master's to get a job i thought speech pathology okay because i remember you shadowing or interning at that the speech therapy somewhere between junior and senior year and that was that was actually fun because that was like the cool quote-unquote speech therapy office. I just remember I never went, but there was like an arcade in the front. No, they had like arcade-style video games. Yeah, they had a dance, dance, dance revolution.

It was just dance, dance revolution. But the kids talking about it said that. Yeah, it sounded like they were doing like an EDM remix of a Fallout ball song. Dance, dance. I just remember that all the time. These are the... Dance, dance, dance.

No, yeah, but that wasn't the job for me. It's a speech therapist on the billboard or the sign, but therapist was spelled wrong? The first two weeks of opening, they had a typo on the sign. It was like therapist. It's too many R's. T-H-E-R-A. R-E-R-A. And so a lot of people would joke and say that it said their rapist.

That's what it spelled out. I thought it was funnier if it was, well, not funnier, but it just, you know, it said the re-rapist. The re-rapist. The meanest villain of all time. Oh, you had a bad night, did you? You don't think it could get any worse, do you? Yeah, that is definitely a funnier way of thinking about it. Do you remember when there was like, was it the Paralympic Trials visited our hometown?

Or they had a... The Paralympics? Was it the Paralympics? No, it was the short... Oh, it was strictly for little people. It was strictly for little little games for little people i forget what it's called it and it wasn't special it wasn't special it had its name but it was a entire event there was serious fanfare going on they had like a it was almost like a college game day setup there was a stage and then there was a crowd there it was they treated it as such and like i think there was like mascots there yeah um the host of like the on the stage would put on like mascot heads

um there was a there was a lot of uh notre dame mascots there yeah yeah and then there was the um then there was the announcers yeah Yeah, yes. They were incredible. He was energetic. He was electric. What was – we called him Wee Torso. Wee Torso. Right. So he hosted.

And I remember there was the opening ceremony. Yes. We all went. And there was like a big event. There was the football. No, they played football later. No, no, no. There was the football.

Oh, the gala. You had to be 12 inches to attend this like dance gala. No, no, no. There was the football. Oh, the gala. You had to be 12 inches to attend this dance gala. Yeah, that's right. I remember, I mean, I tried to sneak in. I couldn't. Tucker Max was there. He was the guest of honor. I think he ended up having like a, was it a threesome?

He had a threesome with eight of them. Yeah, he wrote about it, and I hope they serve, or it was assholes finish first. It was assholes finish first, yeah. But that was fun. That was... What? You didn't think? It was at the Wheeling Jesuit Track.

I remember I got... Did you get good seats? I had decent seats. I was right in front. Mine were actually way far up in the nosebleeds. Oh, so you probably couldn't even see the track events. No, I had to look at the Jumbotron. Well, it was just a Tron.

Yeah, you're right. It was just a... Yeah, they just had a Tron. But God bless. That was a... They weren't good, because this was just the trials. So this was like to qualify. It was like a low-budget affair.

Yeah. Nick does the best impression of like a male server at a restaurant. And it's like the type of guy that we all loved as kids. We thought he was the coolest. No, he was doing this the other night. Yeah, Nick, why don't you? You're embarrassed, aren't you? Hey, guys, welcome back.

It's been a while, hasn't it? Dad, why don't we start you off? No, you're a gentleman. Mom, go ahead. Go first. All right. Yeah, I was testing you. I was testing you.

Mom, what do you have? All right. Yeah, that sounds good. You got that testing you. Mom, what do you have? All right. Yeah, that sounds good. You got that last time, right? You want to switch it up at all? Dressing on the side. Perfect. Yeah, we can do that.

And Dad, what about you? Okay. Yeah, yeah. Oh, man. Great choice. We actually just added that to the menu. And what about you, champ? What about you?

Huh? Little guy. Oh, what? That's a really fucking good choice. Chicken tenders? All right. Mom, dad, can he get a soda? Alright. Do you mind if I talk to him, you know, one-on-one?

Me and Champ? You're so fucking cute. You are, like... Man, you've really grown. Not that much. Still. Off the kids' menu, but... You read it well. Oh, mom, dad, can he have a have a soda i know you don't want him wired uh yeah you're going to the park after this yeah i'll run it out anyway i'll

yeah okay you want me to put any alcohol on that so like i don't know i did last time you were fun mom dad is it cool is it cool if i can i fuck your son do we we all had that waiter as kids yeah who amongst us okay yeah and uh no if you don't want if you want me to no it's fine um we'll go back i'll go back in the kitchen ask um you know if i if it's cool you know okay yeah yeah okay i'll be back. I'll go back in the kitchen and ask. You know, if it's cool, you know. Okay. Yeah.

Yeah, I'll go. I'll be real quick. I'll just fuck him in and out. Yeah, for sure. It's not a problem. Not a problem, really. All right, champ. You and me.

Let's go. Which one? Which one? Yeah, give me one of those. Which one? Which one? There's a million of them out here. Which one? There you go.

There you go. Ready? That was a cartoon. Follow that cab. All right, but I'm leaving the story running. This bit was before and after the bit in between, so it's back in the cab, and you're just like, all right, can you wait out front? I'll be right back.

All right, but I'm leaving the story running. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Which story? There's a million of them. This is New York, after all. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then I'll say, I'll say the new one.

Why did you say so? Because then the next one will be the stories or the untolds running. No, story. All right, but I'm leaving the the stories. Yeah. Or the untolds running. No, story. All right, but I'm leaving the story running. Okay. So the untold cab. There's the new one.

No, no. The new one. The new one. Then you say there's a million. I go, the untold one. Punch it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, wait.

Just think it's all of them. Punch it. And so then the next one is saying story. Yeah. Yeah. All right Alright Taxi Yeah get in where you're headed Follow that story

Which one? The new one There's a million new ones The untold one Punch it That is so elaborate Okay then you need the car breaking Yeah That is so elaborate. Okay, then you need the car breaking.

And then, uh... Alright, thanks. Thank you. I'll be right back. Can you wait out front? Right here, right here, right here. Thank you. Give me two seconds. I'll be right back.

Alright, but I'm leaving the story running. Can you hurry up? You keep hitting all the told stories. It's told, motherfucker. What do you want me to do? Magically untell them? That might be actually good. Yeah.

It's fucking told. Come on. Can you go a little faster? You're hitting all the told stories. What do you want me to do? Untell them? Come on. Can you go a little faster? You're hitting all the told stories. What do you want me to do? Untell them? Come on. Can you go a little faster? You're hitting all the told stories.

Gonna have to leave this in at the end. Come on. What are these motherfucking told stories? They're all told. They're told. Alright, fuck. Hold on. Can you go a little faster? You're hitting all the told stories. Untold! Okay. All right, fuck, hold on. All right, yeah, yeah. Okay. Can you go a little faster? You're hitting all the told stories.

What do you want me to do? Magically untell them? All right, we got two chicken parmesans, two on... All right, who ordered the untold story? We got three untold stories. Tell me a story, hold the tell. Hold the tell. Tell me a story. Hold the tell.

I said no tell on my story. It's funny. All right, we got an order of stories here. Order of stories. One for you, one for you. No, thank you. Excuse me. What do you want, pal?

What can I do for you? You got the story, huh? What else can I do for you here? I'm fucking busy here. Look at that line out there. Everyone wants a story. What can I do for you? What's wrong with you?

Something wrong with your story? I couldn't help but to notice. Yeah? There's a tell on my story, and I told you specifically to hold the tell. Who in the back? Reggie. No, no. What's a good Italian name? That's a great name.

Reggie. Who's telling the stories here? Yes, but no, he said hold the tell. Are you sure? We never put tell on our stories. All right, story. I got two stories here. One for you, one for you.

You got your story. Excuse me. I specifically said hold the tell. What the fuck? We got tell on the story? Reggie, who put tell on the story? 2 and 14, 2 and 14. Yeah, right here, right here.

We got two stories. One for you, one for you. Thank you. All right. Good one, pal. Excuse me. I specifically said to hold the tell. Reggie!

The fuck? Who's putting towels on the story? Johnny told me he wanted the towel. No one asked. This job's going to be the death of me. Two stories here. Two stories. One for you, one for you.

Reggie. Reggie, come take a look at this order. I want you to look at this receipt. Does it say to put tell on this story? Where does it say tell? Go take it to the back and untell it. If it wasn't for Reggie's mother, he would have been out of here fucking six months ago. That fucking kid.

That fucking kid can't get a damn thing right. I'll tell you what, that fucking Reggie kid. If his mother and I didn't go way back, he would have been out of here seven months ago.