A New Untold Story - A New Untold Story: Ep. 217 - Ten Thousand Spoons

Episode Date: December 17, 2020

|| A New Untold Story: Ep. 217 || The boys discuss growing up Catholic, picking up chicks, having crayons for dinner, and discovering Lannie! || Producer: Tyler GoochmanYou can find every episode of this show on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or YouTube. Prime Members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. For more, visit barstool.link/anuspodcast

Hey, A New Untold Story listeners, you can find every episode on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or YouTube. Prime members can listen to ad-free on Amazon Music. I just need this shit to end, though. Just need to go back to bars. Just like, I would just find the cutest honey. Yeah. And go back. I gotta get the rust off. I gotta be able to drop my line again. This is the confiscating their pepper

spray no no not the five for five for five no no my reliable oh okay reliable yeah yeah i always bring up that viral tweet um of the mcdonald's order i go up to her and i'm just like yo i used to eat fast food all the time until i saw that fucking tweet like the tweet yeah it's like uh that picture of the McNuggets. And they're just like, McDonald's, what is this? And it's like a regular 10-piece McNugget. But there's also a deep-fried chicken head that somehow got into it. I've seen that.

It's like disgusting. Yeah. It actually made me stop eating McDonald's for a while. And then there was the Wendy's salad that had a full bug in it or a spider. And then there was the chili that had the finger. Yeah. There's so many stories. And then I'll just be like –

Subway with a rat tail. And I'll just be like – and I always used to think, what are the odds? And then it happened to me. And she'll be like, oh, my God. Like, where? And I was like, I was – I found a full-sized horse cock just in my pants. Hey, is that story old or told? What? No, baby!

It's a new untold story. A new untold story. It's a fresh, big untold story. A new untold story. I actually was in Nashville. You were with that girl that sucked your dick. She didn't suck my dick. She tasted it.

Yeah, yeah. Let's drop that. Sure. Yeah, because there's a difference. But I was in Nashville for a bachelor party. Homie Cole, he wrestled with me at Kent State. He was getting married. Okay. And he had his bachelor party homie cole he wrestled with me at kent state okay um he was getting married okay and he had his bachelor party in nashville as one would oh is that a thing bachelorettes yeah so we all went there we did the whole night we did the shebang shabiz yeah and i blacked out quickly you've been to Nashville before.

Oh, fuck. You know the feeling when you black out in Nashville, you wake up in a, maybe it's a dorm, maybe it's an apartment. It's always a dorm. It's always a dorm. And she's naked next to you. Yeah. Because you fucked her. Or whatever. And

you roll over and you look on the ground and you check out the shirt. Yeah. Yeah, you always roll over. You check out what was on her shirt. Mm-hmm. Her shirt. Yeah, I remember because I, of course, went back to a dorm.

I saw the tiniest little thing, a little brunette piece, wearing a little crop-top V shirt in nashville that's flooded oh you oh you pegged a vandy girl no i don't kinda yeah um i go to the bar i go to the bathroom to piss i was hammered yeah community bathroom and i come back and i thought i uh you thought i thought i went back to the vandy girl. Oh. So I go home and do one. Belmont College or a different school? No, no, no. It was, well, they only make, Vandy is a short word.

One, V, A, and, yeah, it's only five letters. It fits well on a small to medium shirt. You have to have a medium maybe, but definitely a small to Vandy on a shirt. Yeah a medium, maybe, but definitely a small, a petite line. Yeah, because it's only five letters. Yeah, so I thought I... You thought you had a... So I fuck, I roll over the next morning,

I see the black and gold shirt, Vanderbilt. Vanderbilt. Which only comes on 3 to 4X. Yeah, that's fucked. So it was... V-A-R-D-E-R-B-I-L-T-A. But I didn't even have to look at the fucking sweatshirt to know I made a mistake. Vanderbilt. That's fucked. So it was... V-A-L-D-E-R-B-I-L-D-E-R-B-I-L-D-E-R-B-I-L-D-E-R-B-I-L-D-E-R-B-I-L-D-E-R-B-I-L-D-E-R-B-I-L-D-E-R-B-I-L-D-E-R-B-I-L-D-E-R-B-I-L-D-E-R-B-I-L-D-E-R-B-I-L-D-E-R-B-I-L-D-E-R-B-I-L-D-E-R-B-I-L-D-E-R-B-I-L-D-E-R-B-I-L-D-E-R-B-I-L-D-E-R-B-I-L-D-E-R-B-I-L-D-E-R-B-I-L-D-E-R-B-I-L-D-E-R-B-I-L-D-E-R-B-I-L-D-E-R-B-I-L-D-E-R-B-I-L-D-E-R-B-I-L-D-E-R-B-I-L-D-E-R-B-I-L-D-E-R-B-I-L-D-E-R-B-I-L-D-E-R-B-I-L-D-E-R-B-I-L-D-E-R-B-I-L-D-E-R-B-I-L-D-E-R- If there's a discrepancy in size on a walk... My back was arched like I was sleeping in a reverse hammock.

And when I rolled over the next morning, my nose brushed the ceiling and she was pretty much sleeping on the floor. You got a Vanderbilt girl. Yeah. Yeah. My bitch only had a V. She was that skinny. Yeah. But she... Good for her because she had an eating disorder. She was that skinny. Yeah.

But good for her because she had an eating disorder. I saw her a year before. Horrible. She was just wearing a backslash. I never know how to pronounce it. I didn't even say it right. There's more. There's like four more syllables. We just called him Father Tongue.

Father Tongue, yeah. And as an altar server. I didn't mind him. You weren't an altar server. I was. And he wanted everything done the traditional way. So communion was only given, you know, we weren't allowed to use our hands. He plopped it right in your mouth.

You couldn't wear anything under your robes as an altar server. And then he demanded a traditional chrome altar. And so, like, there was all that. And then it looked cool. It looked a little futuristic. It looked a little too futuristic. but he was proud of his craft i remember he would make me stay after 11 30 service and he would practice uh baptisms on me he would dunk me three or four times a day and he was one of the best and uh i we confession with him i don't even couldn't oh yeah it was like a it was strange it was face to face which is normal i think well you could go screen but he

it was always he put like a caution tape over that side as if there was like some sort of pipe break in that little half of it and so he made us go face we had to go like actual face to face but yes yeah we it was our noses would often graze and um I just remember he was almost he would almost bargain with us it was just I remember going in and I was ashamed because we were trained to be ashamed. Oh, yeah. I, um. Like, masturbation.

I remember our teacher, religion teacher, like, she's like, solitary sex masturbation is a mortal sin. Instant hell. Yeah. And we would, but we couldn't. We were still doing it. Yeah. But we just had to confess. We did.

Often. Often. And it was, I did confess to it to priests prior. But Father Tongue, when I was confessing to him. Father Tongue had a tiered system of giving out penance. It was strange. So I remember once I was like, Father, forgive me. I've sinned.

First of all, you had to walk in the booth and spit in his palm. That was part of it right yeah yeah i think that was another part of the sacrament of reconciliation and uh forgive me father for i've sinned up of course like what have you done i've masturbated and then you yeah i remember he said how he would he would like nibble on my ear and whisper we didn't want to nibble he would be he would maraz you how many times yeah yeah, yeah He's like, how many times How many times did you do it, my son? I'd be like

Five times since my last confession He'd be like Well, five was Low I mean, you didn't get it done It was on the lower end of the spectrum for sure But he would always be He was a cool guy

He was like Listen, man I was a kid your age I give 13 Hail Marys out For five to seven that was yeah that was tier two masturbation zero to four or one to four one to four and five to seven you get 13 Hail Marys right so when you said five that that was a mistake it was a mistake because then he's like well you can I'm going to give you 13 if you do it five two seven if you want to do one more right now two more two i mean if you if you can but i mean listen just like

one more right now you might as well might as well it's going to be the same i mean it's like i'm i mean it's fine yeah just you might as well just knock that one to two out of the park. And again, you don't have to. I am thinking of you 13 no matter what. So I would. And luckily, his hand already had spit in it. Did you ever have to sing carols with him?

Yeah, and it was demeaning because I couldn't sing. It didn't even make me do the drummer boy where I had to talk about being a... I had to dress up like one because I was the smallest in the class. You were the drummer boy. Yeah. How did it go?

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at shop10to1.com using code story. That is shop10to1.com using code story. Are you a choir boy? I've been in chorus all my life growing up. Who led the chorus? Who was my teacher? My conductor? Yeah.

Mrs. Weller? Oh, Miss. Miss. Nobody was married. She had a real pussy face. She was cystic as all hell. Oh, yeah. And she wasn't young either.

No, no. Embarrassing. She's dead, I think. But she died alone. No, she's alive. I wouldn't know. She did have the voice of an angel, as ugly as she was. And I said pussy face.

I wasn't saying pussy. No, pussy. A lot of leaky pimples. We called her Ooze and Boil. Ooze and Boil. Yeah, we all, everybody just always called her that. Hell of a voice. But obviously not that good of a voice, either.

Who was the kid in Chorus he was a gape? No one was gay raped. What? A gape. His mouth was always like hanging. His jaw was always hanging. Arthur?

Why do I remember? Arthur Rosario. Why do I remember that? He was always a gape. Mouth open. He was the poor. I just remember he was super poor. Yeah. And he was in different classes. Yes.

They didn't have a classroom for him. He was in closets. But yeah, Arthur Rosario. He had the plagiocephaly. Real flat head. We called him Flat Arthur. We called him Flat Arthur. Yeah, I remember.

His head was really flat. I remember he would just sit crisscross applesauce on the playground. We'd just slam pogs on the top of his head. Yeah, we'd play paper football on his scalp. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, very flat. Can't stress that enough.

His haircut was weird. It wasn't quite a bowl cut. The skull wouldn't allow that. It was a platter cut. It was a platter cut. It was a plate. Yeah. Yeah.

He saw. He was a real picky eater. Yeah, but... And he was from like Mexico. Not Mexico. No, no. He spoke weird, but that was... Was he Creole?

Was he from Louisiana? He did. He sounded like the villain from True Detective, but he wasn't Creole, was he? No, he was Creole because he ate a bunch of crayons. That was his diet. Yeah. That's what I mean. He was picky.

Yeah. Mac and cheese. He was always having that. And then he would have orange slices. That's normal. No, like he would cut up the orange crayon. Oh then he would have orange slices. That's normal. No, like he would cut up the orange crayon. Oh, because he had trouble. He was always choking.

Yeah, he couldn't handle the whole one. Yeah, he was very poor. His mom worked at, was it Friendly's? She had a couple. She wasn't good enough to host us because they were poor and she was dumb. And she was dumb and uh well she was an immigrant and uh i remember she she was just hostessing at different restaurants yeah and she could have brought him home food but she just brought home more crayons from the kids menu

yeah she could have yeah gotten free food from the back. Yeah, she just gave him crayons. Not even like the... They were like generic. Yeah. Great. She just hooked him on crayons? Hooked on... Yeah.

He was hooked on crayons. Yeah. Mouth always a gape. Again and again. He was a gape. Not gay raped. I don't think anybody would... I don't think that's a thing. Is this a gape. Not gay raped. I don't think anybody would... I don't think that's a thing.

Is this a gape? He was raped. Yes, several times. Never gay raped. Maybe. Are you talking about Niagara Falls? Niagara Falls. I got my first blowjob on the Maid of the Mist.

No, you didn't. For the field trip? Yeah. I was going to ask if that was you or me. No, I lifted up my poncho. It was you. A little Canuck slid under there. Gave me a casuck.

She wasn't even in your class. No, no. She picked up some strain. She worked on the boat. She might have been the maid. Okay. I think we all fucked around with employees on that trip. Yeah?

What did you do? Our class did all the touristy gimmicks, like the Ripley's Believe It or Not, Made of the Mist, the CN Tower, the IMAX Theater. Wait. Say that again. The what? The CN Tower. No. No, no, no. the ripley's believe it or not the imax theater why are you saying it like oh that little twang because that's where i met lanny yeah remember we went to watch like we went to the imax and oh alanis morissette

she was working there this is before she blew up okay and she was still she was working the concession stand at the IMAX remember I uh went to get a Mr. Pibb and a pretzel and cream and she uh when she like told me the total like how much I owed her she said it in like the most beautiful voice I've ever heard. She wasn't necessarily singing it, but I could tell that she was either a musician or someone who would be a famous musician. So I picked her brain. So when's the next show? When's the big tour? And she put her head down.

She was like, I'm trying right now. It's just not going well. Just a bunch of local gigs, dive bars. And I was like, I'm trying right now. It's just not going well. It's just a bunch of local gigs and dive bars. And I was like, sing me something. And she was like, oh, my God, no. Not here. Not on the clock. I was like, sing me something.

And before she even opened her mouth, because granted, I knew she had pipes, I stopped her and I said, what's your stage name? She said, you're going to laugh and think it's stupid. And I was like, no, just tell me. She was like, it's the maid of the mist. Wait, you were in eighth grade? Eighth grade. And she was like, it's the maid of the mist.

And I did laugh and I said, that is stupid. Because it is. It's very stupid. And I said, that is stupid. Because it is. It's very stupid. But I wasn't that mean about it. I said, well, tell me this first. What's your name? What's your name? Because you have gorgeous eyes, stunning hair.

You have the face of an entertainer. What's your name? I'm entertainer what's your name i'm kyle what's your name and she said it's alanis and i was like oh honey alanis that is majestic last name morissette and she like whistled it her Canadian little thing and we got to talking and a lot wasn't going well for her at the time she wasn't booking shows she was trying to be a barstool

smoke show and only got local which sucks but she's not local just means ugly and I think she was just getting over a bout with breast cancer. Oh, unfortunately. Yeah. And that was so she was going through a tough.

She lost a breast.