A New Untold Story - A New Untold Story: Ep. 218 - Miss Dudley With The Cute Laugh

Episode Date: December 24, 2020

|| A New Untold Story: Ep. 218 || The boys discuss Hershey Kisses, minors, show and tell, and long-distance MySpace relationships! || Producer: Tyler GoochmanYou can find every episode of this show on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or YouTube. Prime Members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. For more, visit barstool.link/anuspodcast

Hey, A New Untold Story listeners, you can find every episode on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or YouTube. Prime members can listen to ad-free on Amazon Music. And Owen. Nick and KB are back home for the holidays. Unfortunately, neither one of them had enough outlets in their homes to plug in their microphones and record a new episode. So instead, we compiled some of the best untold stories you've never heard. Deleted scenes, you might call them. From the previous 218 episodes of A New Untold Story.

Happy holidays. Happy new year, and enjoy everybody. Is that your reply to what I'm going to say? No, you're just going to say, like, no, that's a new untold story. Hey, is that story old or told? Fuck no, baby! It's a new untold story. A new untold story. It's a fresh, big untold story. A new untold story. A new untold story.

How did that last one turn out? I think you know. I think you know. It always ends the same. Me heartbroken and them sleeping with women. I'm four for four. My past four girlfriends. With lesbianizing your flings?

I don't think it's me that does it. I think they've always been that way, and I'm just kind of like an in-between. Is it like, so are there signs there? How quick? Yeah, yeah. Are there signs? Like, yeah, she may just be a lesbian. That's not me doing it to her.

I don't know. It's a curse, and it sucks because you have the exact opposite which makes no opposite the polar opposite affliction if you want to call it that i'm kind of being humble um so i fuck a lot of lesbians always have but they're not within five hours they're changing their sexual orientation they're not lesbians if they fuck you you would think right but they they claim that they're the even like the most hardened seasoned veterans of the l community they change my selling point is well my dick tastes like a pussy.

So I guess that helps. How did you – when did you figure this out? Early on, early on. That's a whole other story. But I tell them. I said, hey. I said, do you like science? And like no human like detests science.

They were probably STEM majors too. Yeah, and they always are. And I said said let me show you an experiment i uh get out my blindfold i blindfold the girl um bring her to my bedroom yeah or whatever open bed maybe it's a guest room sure maybe not maybe it's a basement maybe not um blindfold them and i'm gonna i'm gonna give you a I'm going to start with a real simple experiment. It's going to be a taste test. You know, like the Pepsi Coke. Yeah.

And I want you to tell me whether you're tasting a penis or a vagina. And then I feed them my cock. And it is insane how frequently they guess pussy. I remember I followed you up because I didn't believe you. I tailed behind you. I think I remember this. I had a feeling you were eavesdropping. She was a very, she looked like every mechanic I've ever seen.

She was a seasoned lesbian. Or she claimed. You took her by the hand. You brought her upstairs. She was already blindfolded. I knew. and i put my ear to the door and i heard you one zip yeah and i heard her it was like two seconds past from the unzip and i just hear tops all right kyle where'd you get the pussy yeah they all like they think i'm doing magic. So you have a mobile portable pussy on you?

Nope. You rip the blindfold off. They've just seen something paranormal. It's just your throbbing hard cock. Yeah, and it's my erect penis. They're like, what? All the way down their throat. They thought they were just licking a pussy.

Licking a puss. Uh-huh. Yeah, every time then within five hours. I dick them down after that usually. I don't know. Whatever you want to call it. I don't want to be gross. Their social media bios are completely changed

orientation pronouns links emojis deleted links like you know her the links in her bio go from like lesbian links to to straight links yeah oh yeah whatever you know what i'm talking about huh yeah i do so you have the opposite. My motto is lesbian eyes. I'm pointing to my eyes. Lesbian lies. Lies as in like a bed? No, like the opposite. Oh, they're lying about you.

And then de-lesbian eyes with a Z. I de-lesbianize them. Yeah, that is your motto. Yeah, always has been. You have that in script in your kitchen did my visco uh bio no i've i've had to end relationships over small things like uh i've caught i mean two girlfriends ago you you've met her a lot i know who you're talking about i ended it because i caught her indulging in in a hershey kisses oh? Why? Was she getting fat?

Oh, it's the one that got very fat. Yeah, she was getting super fat, so I was going to break up with her anyway, but no, I meant Hershey Kisses. She-Her Kisses. Oh, she was making out with... That was when I found her out, and, you know,

a little pronoun swap. She changed her bio. She went to they-them. Oh, little pronoun swap. She changed her bio. She went to they, them. Oh, they always do. That's like step two. She went all out. She got a buzz cut. She thought she was like one of a kind.

She changed her pronoun. They always do that. They become the they, them, which is cool. Yeah. I love that. And they changed their profile pic to look more they, them-ish. A bit more androgynous. Yeah.

But they think that they're some type of hero. Yeah. It's like, yeah, join the club. Yeah. Millions of you. They think they are just the only avatar the last their gender. Yeah. Because their Twitter avatar, their Instagram avatar has changed. Yeah. And they're like, I their twitter avatar chain their instagram avatars change yeah

and they're like i'm the only they them there like uh you're not there's probably like one billion i think like 18 of the world is a they them there yeah definitely is that true i have to check i have'll have to check the Alexis rankings. But they, them, their. That's going to be the future of. You have to identify yourself. What's the next? What's the next step?

I don't know. My pronouns have been stolen from me. They took the last they. Yeah. Now what? My they has been taken. Taken for? He, him, neeson. I have a particular set of pronouns.

Pronouns that would be a nightmare for cishets like you. pronouns that would be a nightmare for cishets like you. If you delete your dad, they're gonna take me. Who? Them. Oh, just one singular person.

He, him, yeah, he, him, Neeson. He, him him themsworth he's a he him they them uh was he in hunger games he was in hunger game it was a bunch of i don't know thems fighting to the death yeah yeah you got you got killed by them Them's fighting to the death. Yeah. You got killed by them?

Yeah. Was it like an army? No, it was one little... It was Logan Lerman. It always is. Yeah. He wasn is. Yeah. He wasn't in that. What?

Logan, he reminds me of, I thought he was a them. I thought they were them. I would argue that, yeah, they are in fact completely useless. We all have one. What's yours in? I have, my minor's in psych, psychology useless. We all have one. What's yours in? I have a – my minor is in psych, psychology, and I got it on accident. I remember I walked into my advisor's office and she was just like – and then she was like, Kyle, you know, like you're only one psych class away from just having a minor in psychology.

I was just like awesome yeah didn't help me what's yours in one bit uh i was a spanish minor okay so mine is very similar i i decided uh i i'm a chilean minor so my senior year i spent it in santi, and I just got buried under a fucking mountain. Was that like your capstone project? There were stones, and it was a project. I got out of it. Damn.

So yeah, so you don't have a minor. I mean, that's got to look good, though. On the old resume. Yeah. That was loud. Fuck fuck you distracted me there's there's some minors that i guess could be beneficial like what i don't know what i think one of my homies um he uh he was also buried as a minor he's from penn state oh you mean jerryed yeah but his story was buried it was a shame

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You sucked at show and tell. Me? Yes. No, I didn't. I just didn't give a fuck. No, you didn't have any cool things. It was show and tell. You didn't have any fucking cool things to show.

No, other people were just try-hards. They treated it like an audition for... Did you have money? You were poor. No, no, that wasn't it. People would just bring in terrariums for no reason. I mean, it's like the biggest day of the year as a kid. For you.

That's how I got pussy in elementary school. I brought in my grandpa was in Vietnam, and he has a calcified arm bone from a Viet Cong soldier. And I brought that in. I got laid so much that day. Yeah. Yeah. You were one of the people I'm talking about. Yeah.

Have fun with that, pussy pipe cleaner no no no all right and and you made that interesting yes present it right now you're a boy you have you just follow up my sick ass robotics kit i just followed up a robotics kit and i'm like some people think this is just a craft or um a tool to clean pipes but actually if you have the big enough imagination it can be anything and i start flapping the fuck out of it flailing my arms involuntarily and i'm like see it's a it's a castle and it's like now it's um it's a barn it's like it's like things that aren't even mobile i'm just using it i'm just ticking i'm flapping i'm spazzing and they believe yeah riffing a little bit jesus christ yeah um i remember in like third, I brought my uncle in for show and tell.

What? Show and tell? You think he was a man? Career day? He's a lot of kids. No, no. He was unemployed, single. It was show and tell.

I brought him in to do a Rubik's Cube for the class. How long did it take? He was in 72 hours. Yeah, he was the means to an end he's like hold on i almost got it i almost got it i like to think that you asked your uncle to borrow his rubik's cube and he's like i'll do you one better kid what times what times s and t uh speaking of career day though In college

I was in Habitat for Humanity And I had to go to East St. Louis The roughest part Very poor Oh that's awesome We built a playground for an elementary school And the principal came out And she was like Nick you did a great job

She wanted to suck my cock I can tell. It doesn't seem like it. She was just like, after you guys are done, it's also career day, and we have some celebrity guests if you want to come. It was an elementary school? It was an elementary school. They had celebrity guests? Yeah.

This is a very bad area. There's a lot of people coming in to help out. There's like 10 different Make-A-Wish kids here. All the time. They combine them. All the time. That's how they got all the celebrity guests so it was career day i walk in all the kids are buzzing they think it's going to be like will smith murphy lee yeah yeah someone from a saint lewis star yeah all the kids love them and so they say uh all right kids like presenting your first

guest speaker for career day and it's outcomes rachel dolezal and she was like actually like mad at the kids she was envious not inspirational like it was not she came out there and she was just like you guys don't know how good you have it i've worked every day for some for what you just were born with like this generation fucking spoiled kids I would give it I would give anything

for an ounce of your just a drop of your melanin just a drop of it oh my god I wouldn't be here I wouldn't be here. One little drop. One microscopic drop. I wouldn't be here. Who else was there?

Yeah, there was another guest, because I just remembered I was there, too. Oh, yeah, yeah. I forgot that you were there. They were like, they really hyped it up. They gave his whole filmography. They said, he's a friend star, NBA commentator, Michael Rappaport. And Thunder

Supplies, I'm assuming. You motherfuckers don't know how lucky you have it. I love you guys, but you don't know. No, no, he's a woke man. That's putting it lightly. That's alright. You can't be too woke.

There's a stage we're getting at where that is, in fact, possible. Yeah, he is like the god of the white people who are so woke that they're going to regress to racism accidentally. They're going to horseshoe theory their way back to being racist. Just aggressively, violently seasoning their fucking chicken breast. I season. Other people don't, but I do. I do. Just so against racism that you spiral into

just blatant, violent racism. People like that are on pace to be too woke. You think that's possible? They're going to get so woke, they're going to regress to actually being racist. Unintentionally. Horseshoe the way back.

The horseshoe theory. They'll be mad that out of all the major sports, the top ones selling are white people. They already are, I'm sure. Yeah. They'll protest and trout and Harper. Exactly. Somebody who's never watched any sport in their life will say. They think they're movies. Exactly. Somebody who's never watched any sport in their life will say. They think they're movies.

Exactly. The NFL is casting too many white kickers. Too many white people in this. And eventually it'll get to a point where they just say, you know what? We need to make a separate league with nothing but people. Nope. No. Nothing compared to the thrill of getting new notifications on MySpace.

Oh, and you probably don't remember no but i could maybe like an am express the hardest thing about it just remember when you if it was especially when you were messaging a girl yeah i just read this girl chelsea from um real blonde real cute didn't insecure as all hell um she was from the rehoboth beach area okay east coast girl east coast girl and with beast ghost and uh i don't know i think i was owning her picture profile picture at the time but uh we were in the messages and i told her a joke i think it was just like i think i just quoted dodgeball if you can dodge a wrench you can dodge a ball unprompted that was my go-to and uh this was late this was late um it's probably like 4 a.m seconds later

all caps like she did a bunch of the has yeah and like to the point where she was smashing the keyboard there was like three H's in a row. It wasn't the continuity wasn't there. And I was like, she was just jamming those things. Something about that turned me on so much. This little blonde girl, Chelsea. So you show up right now. I said, what are you doing still up?

It's 4 a.m. And she was like, well, it only feels like 1 a.m.m. And she was like, well, it only feels like 1 a.m. to me. I was like, the fuck are you? Are you vacationing in the Pacific? She was like, no, no.

So I'm like, all right. I let that go. I told her another joke. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. Turn, something about the way she, I didn't even hear her laugh,

but textually, she was a star. Who is this? Chelsea? i told her you're gonna laugh for a living and you're gonna become a star and i was like what's your name it's a great line because her name was just like chel zzz and like whatever dumb woman shit. She said, I'm Chelsea Dudley. Oh. Oh, wow. I'm like, gee. You're going to have to change that up.

You're a West Coast girl. You belong in that. You belong in luxury. You don't belong in suburban Delaware. You don't belong on the East Coast wearing whatever. Generic purses. You need to be wearing a high-end brand. You need to be wearing a high-end brand, and you're a West Coast girl.

You're going to be a star. What happened next? What happened? Fast forward.