A New Untold Story - A New Untold Story: Ep. 219 - 60 Kyles Per Bauer

Episode Date: January 1, 2021

|| A New Untold Story: Ep. 219 || The boys discuss Nick's dating history, summer camp, KB's trip to Africa, and multiple choice!!! || Producer: Tyler GoochmanYou can find every episode of this show on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or YouTube. Prime Members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. For more, visit barstool.link/anuspodcast

Hey, A New Untold Story listeners, you can find every episode on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or YouTube. Prime members can listen to ad-free on Amazon Music. Yeah, so I was with my girlfriend at the time, ex now, unfortunately, and we were going out to eat, and this was the first time I met her parents. First time meeting the folks and you have to go out to dinner with them? I was nervous. That was Kyle shooting himself in the head.

But yeah, her dad scared the shit out of me because he was legitimately crazy. Wait, is this the one? Look at me. Is this the one I'm thinking of? Probably at me is this the one i'm yeah the one i'm thinking of probably okay then her dad was a psychopath very much was he real he was either radically pro-life or pro-choice what was it you're close he was uh multiple choice she was she was supposed to be a triplet ended up being an only child but um no i i was obsessed with this girl like she would she got me tickets to a john mayer concert we'd go park right in front go right in like right before the show started we got to like steak dinners just pull up right in front hop out go in like give

her in the vip treatment she was giving it to me oh yeah that's awesome. That was fantastic. Lucky dog. Yeah. Yeah? She was... She was... She was like a brunette. She was like an alternative girl. She had bangs and glasses. No, there was something else. Was it the way she... Was it piercings? She had a nose ring, but you couldn't point her out.

No, no, no. She wasn't playing. It wasn't that. Was it jeans? No. Was it the shoes? She wore real weird shoes. Not weird, just very nice.

She always wore new shoes, but they weren't because she just, they didn't get a lot of use. What? She was in a wheelchair. Oh, yeah. I know, I know. That's why I didn't. You have a type. I don't.

It is purely coincidence. Uh-huh. You have how many? Four. Four girls in a wheelchair? Yeah. That's a lot. That's a fuck ton.

No, it's not. Statistically, it's not. Yeah, there's only like one in 3,000 girls around. I have 107 Twitter followers. Some of them are 107,000. Some of them are bound to be bound. So, of course, yes, I've dated a few. Okay.

You can't tell in the avatar. Four is insane. It's a lot. How many have you dated? None. None. None. But this girl, fuck me.

I still think about it. She was the one that got away how at the time not my current girlfriend in high school but she um her grandma who lived in like south cape town south africa passed away and she was um she was gonna fly there for the funeral and i remember we drove together to the airport and before she blew me goodbye she she said kyle she said kyle i think i'm having second thoughts and i was like about swallowing my cum she's like no no like about going flying to south africa i'm terrified of flights especially one that long it's like 16

hours i was like all right i'll go for you you're representing her at the funeral yeah so i got so i got the i got a free trip to fucking cape i always wanted to go to cape town yeah on the coast it's beautiful down there yeah table rock and all that shit So I get there and we got our hotel. It was a nice hotel. And I remember I was just doing a lap on the shore. And I see this man, if you want to call him that. He was half a man. A torso, a head. Arms.

But he, two arms. Yeah. Two regular arms. Nice arms. Go up to him, pick his brain. And I say, stand up for me. I see a glimmer in your eye. I know you have what it takes. Stand up for me.

And he says, I can't. I have no legs. It's physically impossible. And I said, nah. What if I told you this not only will you stand up for me in the next five years you'll run from me her ass is looking like two like two butt cheeks i was like yeah i gotta say something and i go up i'm like hey what's your name she turns around she blushes i know i'm off to a good start. She said, my name's Fresh.

And I say, hello, Fresh. Oh, you did? I said, what can you do for me? She goes, I'll cut out stressful meal planning

and grocery store trips. You can also enjoy cooking and get dinner on the table in about 30 minutes or less. I said, what? She's saying this to you. She's saying this to me.

I'm like, you're my dream girl. I'm taking you home right now. She said, no, no,'t even were you even trying to tell her lies to make her feel good not even not even I said I need to take you home right now come on she said nah you don't have to take me home I'll be delivered I said what you serious and she said yeah I offer the flexibility you need with customizable orders every week you can easily change your delivery days or food preferences. And skip a week whenever you need. And I said, what?

How are you real? And so I took her home last night. And I personally made chicken cutlets. Parmesan crusted. Cordon bleu? No, chicken parmesan crusted. A guy like you? A guy like me making that.

Can you believe it? Easy. And I didn't waste. No leftovers. Nothing. Doesn't take up? Easy. And I didn't waste. No leftovers. Nothing. Doesn't take up space in my fridge. She's perfect. This is that fresh girl. This is that fresh girl.

You'd be like, Nick, damn. How can I do that? How can I? Guy like me. Guy like you. How can you get a fresh girl like that? Easy. You go to HelloFresh.com slash Story10.

Use code Story10. You get 10 free meals. A perfect 10. Is that a 1-0 or is that T-E-N? That's 1-0. I'm glad we clarified that. S-T-O-R-Y 1-0. 10 free meals.

She's like, damn, how much is shipping? Free shipping. I don't know. I'm nervous. I've never done this before Especially with a girl like that I know and it's easy So I should just go for it You should go for it right now

After you finish listening to this episode Fuck I think that's going to be my new years resolution Yeah you think so Tell me more Puns like good puns Were detours to good pussy. Or just pussy in general. Like in a Twitter handle? If you had a pun

in your handle, any social media, girls love that. I can shoot that down from first-hand experience. No. That's not true. I was Tyrannosaurus Rex. Like the dino? Yeah. And I got little to none.

I got none. None. I got none. It was not too none. It was just none. You were dry as a fossil. Yes. Yes, because you fucking idiot.

You never go the archaeological route with your puns. I didn't. Since when are there rules? There's two. You have to pick between beer and cars, fast cars. Or sex. Or sex? What was yours, Owen?

I had a couple. It was Road Dome and Rotor Boat. Yeah, those are sex. Yeah, that's... Did it work? That's sex, okay. No. Don't listen to him.

He's from Connecticut. But I remember my homie, Matt, I convinced him, be Matty Light. And he was like, no, because there were so many. He had to put four digits afterwards and underscore then another two digits. Cleaned up after the fact. Cleaned up.

Like sexually. His parties and get-togethers were beaver lodges. He was the top, the cream of the crop. And then my other, even like Chaz, you know Chaz, he was filthy. Yeah, he was gross. he was gross he was like impossible to even look at yeah no he did not have sex i know he changed his i think it was twitter or something to chaserati oh it fucked fucked like four days later chas did well were you the one that convinced them to do this yes Yes. What were you? I know why. Because you were 60 kiles per hour.

No, no. Fuck off. That's what... Yes, it was. No, no, no, no. I wasn't 60. I was unlimited kiles per bower. What do you mean unlimited?

No speed limit. I was driving on the Autobahn. I was driving girls to come on the Autobahn with unlimited Kiles per hour. And it was just, I had to abbreviate unlimited. O-U-N-L-D. I forgot all about Chaz and Matt. They didn't go to, how did you meet them? At summer camp.

We didn't go to the same summer camp. I know we didn't. I went to a more local one. What one? More local, but more cool. It was one where they bused us to like this, this petting zoo, but it was, like, full of dogs. Puparinos, doggos, like, the masculine kind. Yeah, yeah, for sure.

It was all boys for my crop. And we got these super soaker hoses, like, state-of-the-art hoses. And we got to spray them as hard as we wanted. Spray the dogs? We had limits. We had rules. We had to, like, get the—spray all the feces out of the kennels and shit but like it was that that was that was your camp that's how i bond it with chaz and what'd you do like the rest of the days

that for eight hours per day so you oh nice i went to like a rich camp a rich camp it was like in the ozarks you went to arkansas fucking arkansas yeah for camp yeah the Ozarks. You went to fucking Arkansas for camp? Yeah. Do you remember, we went to the same school, obviously, Catholic school. They would pick like three people from our school and send them to the Ozarks. That was the camp. They had a different name for it, I forget. Yeah.

It was you, was it Carter? It was me, Carter, and Gabe. Got to go. Yeah. And we got to go down there beyonce's brother yeah yes beyonce's yeah yeah and so we got to go down there love those guys to death and it was it was cool it was like any other camp really like uh i remember one day we went into like the mess hall and we would go in there and the counselors be like all right uh it's free play day so like

here's like a pile of football equipment, pads, football, tees. And then there was a pile of jump ropes and sidewalk chalk and hopscotch stuff. You got to pick. Yeah. And as soon as they say, okay, go ahead and choose, I beeline to the ropes, to the jump ropes. Yeah, you were a double Dutch kid. I wanted to skip. And I remember I was the first person I was about to dive in.

I grabbed the nearest jump rope and it was like, ah, and it like zapped me. And I was like, what the fuck? Okay, I guess I'll play football. And like it did it to everybody. So like we went and we would play football because it was all guys. So you had to go play football. How did that go? We would just like throw it to the person.

They would tell us to like tackle that. I forget the game's name, but we had to like tackle the person that had the ball oh you would like throw it up yeah yeah so you played that it was cool the camp counselors were amazing like they would help us with crafts so like we had to do like uh you know like camp crafts with popsicle sticks like some crafts like splints for our wrists so they wouldn't like that we'd keep them like like you know straighter and then um and then like we had to you know they would move the the cots to eat like like there were girls that's oh the counselors snuck in for us they were like oh they were cool counselors they're like eastern european but i was like in eighth grade

and the girls were like 22 23 eastern european didn't speak a lick of english yeah and they they would the counselors would encourage you to like cuddle like yes i like would share a 23. They were Eastern European. Didn't speak a lick of English. Yeah. Were they nice? The counselors would be like, did I encourage you to cuddle? Yes. I would share a cot with them. Fuck yeah. It was fucking amazing. Like a Belarusian girl? That sounds like a fucking dream camp. It was unbelievable.

It was unbelievable. And we did outdoorsy stuff and typical camps. Gabe went every year for like 18 years yeah he was like best friends with a counselor the one counselor ricky knew him like inside and out is what gabe said yeah and uh yeah but he got in trouble the one year i remember it was like a big deal yeah he wouldn't like he snuck out of his cot yeah and they found them under the guise under the guise of what what under what i was done this is like a like a young life type thing did you like whitewater raft and fish

and all that shit um we burnt bass like you roasted them under the fire or what that over the fire him like we burnt lance bass posters that was like that they had piles of them lying around his kindling