A New Untold Story - A New Untold Story: Ep. 220 - 24/7 Catch

Episode Date: January 7, 2021

|| A New Untold Story: Ep. 220 || The boys talk palm Sunday, Build A Bear and other mall dates, jaw-dropping high school talent show performances, platonic dads, and the best QB/WR duo in West Virginia history! || Producer: Tyler GoochmanYou can find every episode of this show on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or YouTube. Prime Members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. For more, visit barstool.link/anuspodcast

Hey, A New Untold Story listeners, you can find every episode on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or YouTube. Prime members can listen to ad-free on Amazon Music. Jesus, Owen. Fuck. I'm sorry. Dude. Are your palms okay? Yeah, Mr. Applause.

You're back. Speaking of palms, Kyle. What do you mean, Kyle? He put it up, he wants us to hit a roll with that? Teed that up for you. Are we doing improv? Palms, Kyle. What do you mean, Kyle? He put it up. He wants us to hit a roll with that? Teed that up for you. Are we doing improv? Palms. Oh.

The improv boys. Let's walk the audience through how our brains work. So we hear palms, and we immediately go to, what can we do with palms? Yeah. I'm thinking a tropical tree, maybe. Yeah, I'm thinking of— A lesser man would as well. But how can we make that deeper, more complex?

Let's make this... We went to a Catholic school. Yeah. Palm Sunday. Palm Sunday was when we got that real thin strip of a plant. It was a palm leaf. It was before Easter. Yeah.

Yeah, and so now let's take it a step further. How can we change Palm Sunday? Oh, and sneak an ice cream. Sneak an ice cream? Palm McGrann further. Palm Sunday. How can we change Palm Sunday? Owens thinking ice cream. Thinking ice cream? Palm McGrannet. No, Sunday. See, that's why you're in that chair. Nick, tell them how we would do it.

We would, Palm Sunday, we would misdirect. So we'd be like, Kyle, do you remember that Dairy Queen in the mall? Yeah, I actually do. Yes, you do. It was the busiest dairy queen not east of the mississippi but maybe on the mississippi east of the ohio east of the ohio and it was uh they would oftentimes run out of bowls and when they ran out of bowls it's palm sunday palm sunday every yeah and they would they would advertise it and market it like it was this huge perk.

Like you get to use your – The sundaes were full price still. You just had to eat them out of your hands. It was gross. It was disgusting. But it worked. I got it all the time. We would go up, put our hands under the soft serve machine.

I would refuse to wash my hands, just walk around all sticky. That was you. But we were – that was – it may not have been the biggest mall but it was the stickiest it was per like square foot per square foot it was the we were all we would all wash our hands in the the fountain the big fountain yeah and steal the pennies and the quarters you wouldn't even have to you would just i think that was the plot of home alone too what stealing pennies with sticky hands. Was it? I've never seen it.

Okay. Yeah, but we would... This is actually true. The Dairy Queen in the... It wasn't called Palm Sunday. No, but you would... They wouldn't have bowls. You used to go to that mall all the time.

I would take girls. I would too. You wouldn't. You worked there with a mostly female staff. Top and in the middle? I was going to say the powder pagoda. Yeah, that's what it was. Yeah.

You were like a OBGYN of upper thighs. I was a de-chafer, but... You were a de-chafer. Yeah, but no, I used to... I actually would take girls. You never took girls. I asked a girl once, and I don't want to say her name because you know her.

It was who I took, right? No, no, no. You took her sister. I took... Are you talking about the one... I don't want to say her name, but she had a really long head. Just describe her.

Long head, long neck. Like she was wearing those African rings for 13 years. She tried to hide the length of her neck. She wore a thick red choker. The red choker. I remember that. Never took it off. Allie Megalutis.

Yeah. Uh-huh. Allie. And we called her Bowling Allie because she looked like a pin. She looked like a pin, yeah. And I lucked out. I took her sister, Courtney.

You did not luck out. We would do laps. What do you mean, I wouldn't luck out? Courtney would not do laps. We would do laps. What do you mean? She would not do laps.

The only laps she was doing was a lap band surgery. She was a healthy girl. We would do laps. What do you mean? She would not do laps. The only laps she was doing was a lap band surgery. She was a healthy girl. We would lap. She won most healthy. She won most healthiest in school. We called her food court. No. And she was getting out free samples.

Yeah. You'd stick your tooth back in. My favorite free samples were from sarah sarah sarah what was her name minich sarah minich she would give free blow job samples we would call her triceratops oh yeah you'd want to try sarah tops yeah i remember that she looked like a dinosaur too she was ugly she was disgusting she's extinct now yeah she when did she die it was uh right it was before 2016 election but not much before it like october unrelated she caught on fire she was flayed to death uh-huh and then it was in

her will to be cremated so she she was twice baked. I remember that. You remember Claire? You took her to the mall. Well, guess where I would blindfold her. I remember she was talking about this. She was like, yeah, I went to the mall with Kyle. He's like, all right, I'm going to blindfold you. I got something with your name on it.

And she guessed immediately that you were taking her to Claire's. It was pretty obvious. But you didn't tell her, right? You were just like, no, wait and see you didn't tell her, right? Like you were just like, no, wait and see. Didn't tell her. Did it work? And she, I like,

I was like, look, it's your world now. She was like, she like thought I was going to like buy her like a septum piercing. I was like, no, you'd look like a wild hog. If you want a septum piercing, that's on your dime.

But it was real sweet. She loved it. She was like i'm gonna return the favor took me to kb toys oh fingered me with a kurt angle action figure do you still have the figure um technically some some of it is up there um it's ingrained yeah but you never took girls to them well if you count your family, but you never took girls to the mall. Well, if you count your family, your aunt would always take you to the mall. And that was the extent of your female companionship.

My aunt? Your aunt would always take you to, like, Build-A-Bear workshop. No. No. Okay. I can actually see where the confusion lies here. I used to take Build-A-Bear to Auntie Anne's. You would take Build-A-Bear?

Yeah. William, he was the big hairy gay guy. Oh, Bill Da... The Bear. It was The Bear. He urbanized us. Yeah. You and Bill DeBear, who was he like your... You had a good relationship with him.

Yeah, yeah. More like a big brother, big sister program. Definitely was. Opposite. He was homeless. Yeah. Right, and like, him being gay didn't change it change anything well he was he was a bear the bear is when you're very hairy man and he fucked a ton of dudes and a lot of dudes fucked him back sure did but uh i i actually up to i hit him up i was, BDB, what's going on? And he was like, nah, it's just B.

I said, what? He's like, I'm just Bill. He dropped the dub bear? He dropped the dub bear. He's not the bear anymore. He's not the bear anymore. And you know why? Like Mike Studd going for just Mike. He's using Manscaped.

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Code ANUS. Manscaped.com. Nick, what did you call your balls? I call them Dave and Buster. Yeah. Bill did fuck me once. Nothing out of the ordinary here.

No real sign of a story. But then I noticed something on the sleeve over there. And so I ran it through the evidence machine. You ran this through the evidence machine? Let me tell you this. Take a taste. You're never going to believe it. Gotta be honest with you, Martinez.

This tastes just like cum. Oh, that's the wrong sample. Try this one. This is from the other sleeve. Move out of the way. Let me get this one. Yeah. Martinez, this is tell.

This is tell if I've ever tasted it. That's tell? Yeah. Taste it. My God. Get in the fucking car I know where to go Here's something that pisses me

The fuck off Yes It is dudes glorifying tight pussy They're sexualizing it too I'm tired of dudes sexualizing tight pussy Say it louder for the people in the back You know what I think I will Yeah It pisses me off because it sets this Pussy. Pussy in general. Say it louder for the people in the back. You know what? I think I will.

Yeah. It pisses me off because it sets this almost damn near impossible beauty standard for women. This unobtainable standard of having a tight pussy. What do you mean unobtainable? Well, I've been with a lot of girls. I'm a whore and okay every pussy that i've fucked yeah it's it's every pussy has felt loose who like when i'm fucking when i'm fucking girls with different backgrounds different cultures ethnicities religions okay and like what do you mean they're all loose to you they're all well they'd be no no man can tell me that when they're fucking they feel both sides of the pussy at the same time you have to

choose you have to choose your battle what are you fucking talking about so you're never gonna feel a pussy all touching both sides of your dick at the same time. That's what sex is, right, Owen? Yeah, you lost me. The fuck are you talking about? No man. I just might have a tiny dick. January isn't important for setting the tone for the new year. And in 2021, that has never been more true. Luckily, our new friends at CBDMD are here to give you the support you need

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Not sure if you need it. Yes, all caps is how they typed it. Not sure if you need it. Once again, that's CBDMD.com, promo code ANUS, for 25% off your purchase of superior CBD products from CBDMD. Did I ever tell you guys the time I jerked off with a CBMD cream? Well, start from the beginning and I'll let you know. You know, I grabbed it on accident. It was right next to my other lotions and salves.

Wait, next to your salves as well? Yeah. Okay. And, you know, I have a lot that's easy to get them confused. I'm always salved up, and I was just jerking off with it, and my penis was so relaxed. I haven't heard this. You haven't? Go on.

Well, when I came, instead of just a normal rope, a wad. A cum shot. Just a cool-ass smoke ring. You came in O. Yeah. Oh, let's see your O face. I'll do you one better. You were just tapping the side of your shaft for little Cheerios coming out. Yeah, yeah.

Your cum shot would have made the Nimeschmacked compilation. Scary monsters and nice sprites was playing. You couldn't figure out from where. Yeah. CBDMD promo code anus. We had that influx of Middle Eastern refugees. Influx? Yeah, that's not the right word.

Or refugees. What? It was just one Middle Eastern kid, and his parents were doctors. He was rich. I think we had more than than one but i know who you're talking about and he was the most talented kid in the school yeah he won the talent show yeah he proved he was the most talented kid he was factually the most talented kid and i remember talking to him he had a bit of an accent i was talking to him and i said so like what are you going to do for the talent show and he said i'm going to sing yeah and i was prepared, and most people were, for something exotic. Something like maybe an Arabian type routine.

Something like that. Yeah, something like that. And he comes out there, acoustic Gibson on his back, cowboy hat. 10 gallon. Every bit of it, every gallon. And he comes out there, and we're just like, what is happening? And he starts just, lights come on, boom starts singing country songs i wanna kiss a girl something like that yeah we were like what what is what is and he was good damn good he even had

like a southern drawl but it put one on yeah and uh he wore it like his hat at first people were shocked and then people started clapping along a round of applause standing encore and then But it put one on Yeah And He wore it like his hat At first people were shocked And then people started Clapping along A round of applause Standing up Encore And then somebody yelled

From the crowd They called What did they call him? What did they call him? I think somebody Somebody was like Yo Keith Turbin

And Keith It was Keith Turbin And Because we all started Calling him that It stuck I think he started

Referring to him Introducing himself As Keith Turbin He works at a bank Back home Yeah And he his name tag says keith kt kt yeah he ran with it i don't even remember his real name i don't have a clue yeah but it was more than just him we had the two middle eastern football players our quarterback and our wide receiver they know grant and jackson what they were not middle eastern at all they they were just a little bit tan, and they were from Port St. Lucie, Florida. But we're from West Virginia, and everyone just assumed because they were—

Everybody looked so unhealthy. They just assumed that— They were slightly sun-kissed. Yeah, they skimboarded a lot, I guess. I don't know. Sure. Yeah, but they were excellent football players, and everybody thought they were Middle Eastern. The rivals thought they were Muslim, even.

They did, because they had signs. Polish Catholics. They had signs in the crowd. The wide receiver, Grant, everybody called him Randy Mosk. Yeah, Randy Mosk. He was catching bombs. Rama Dante Culpepper. Yes, exactly.

Oh, it was an air raid offense it sure was it absolutely was and i talked to randy because i like hung out with a lot of the athletes um and i was like yo man like how'd you get so good and like how are you you're all statewide receiver they were both first team all-state All-State. Yes. Randy and Ramadante. Grant and Jackson. Grant and Jackson. Yeah. And Grant, he's like, well, I have two dads.

I said, what? You should be the best at interior design. Home ec. He said, no. Yeah. No. They weren't gay. They weren't gay dads.

They were two platonic – in fact, homophobic from Texas. They were just trying to set their son up to be the best football player possible. Randy was playing catch nonstop. Yeah, a lot of catch from both dads. Yeah, they would cycle playing games of catch. One dad would tire, the other would come. But Jackson was tripod. I've never seen his penis.

It was big. No, no, no. Yeah, it was big. But he had tripod. I've never seen his penis. It was big? No, no, no. Yeah, it was big. But he had tripod. He had three dads. Oh. Tripod. Right.

And I remember he was playing catch literally 24-7. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Who are you jabronis? Don't you see the yellow tapes? That mean nothing to you? You guys ask who we are. No, I just said, who are you jabronis? Oh, who are we? Oh, fuck. I didn't say anything. yellow tapes that mean nothing to you they're gonna ask you no I just said who are you jabroni oh who are we oh fuck I didn't say anything

who the fuck are we does this badge mean anything to use oh I'm very sorry detective it's right this way but I'm gonna warn you I gotta do that I have to do that again. I'm going to warn you it's not a pretty picture. Okay.

Oh, I'm so sorry, detectives. Right this way. Oh, I'm so sorry, detectives. Right this way, but I'm going to warn you. It's not a pretty picture. All right, give me the rundown. What's the story? Wait, that actually makes sense.

All right, give me a quick rundown. What's the untold? 20 fucking years on the job. Make sure to drag that out. You think it would, but... It doesn't get any storier. Do that again. Do that again.

Well, let's get to that point. All right, give me the rundown. What do we got? It's just a story. Couldn't have been more than 12, 13. Told in broad daylight. Looks new, too. Yup.

I'm going to keep that. You laughing will be perfect. Yeah, yeah. All right, let me try it again. You laughing and saying yup will be very funny. We got this. Two decades on the fucking job. Goddamn. Jesus, that was cool.

That was cool. Goddamn. Almost two decades on the force and... Hold on. I think that was long enough. I like sputtering. Goddamn. That's the coolest thing I've ever said.

Yeah. Goddamn. Goddamn. Almost two decades on the force and... I can't look at you. I'm turning around. Goddamn. Almost two decades with the force and... That was... That was... That's actually your gasping prayer.

I need to save some time for the clink of the Zippo as well. Goddamn. Almost two decades with the force and... This is going to be impossible. Yeah, you got this. This is going to be impossible. Yeah, you got this. You got this. This is so dumb. That doesn't get any story.

It still doesn't get any story. All right. God damn. Almost two decades with the force and... Jesus, that was the fucking one. Yeah. God damn it. Yeah, hold on. fucking one. Yeah. God damn it. Yeah, hold on.

God damn. Almost two decades with the force and... It doesn't get any storier. That was good. That was the best one, too. Oh, yeah. All right, Martinez. What do you find? Tell me something

There's no sign of a story You know no sign of a story But here's something interesting Look at his collar It's new He's got two stains One on his collar One down by his

Okay Well there was no sign of a story On this thing He's got two stains. One on his collar. One down by his... Okay. Well, there was no sign of a story on this thing. But I did find something interesting over there on the sleeve. I ran it through the evidence machine. The evidence machine. I think that's fine. Just say... Ding!

Yup, it's evidence. I might just say the evidence machine. Say the evidence machine. Well, there's no real sign of a struggle on this bad boy, but I'll tell you what. You see that thing on the sleeve there? I ran it through the evidence machine, and let me just say this. Take a taste of that. You'll find it quite interesting.

You ran this through the evidence machine? The evidence machine. It makes evidence. All right, give it a taste. Gotta be honest with you, Martinez. This tastes just like cum. Oh, that's the wrong sample. Try this one.

This is from the other sleeve. Move out of the way. Let me get this one. Yeah. Martinez, this is tell. This is tell if I've ever tasted it. That's tell? Yeah. Taste it this is tell. This is tell if I've ever tasted it. That's tell? Yeah.

That's what they say. My God. Get in the fucking car. I know where to go. I remember this place. I remember this place. What a dump. Hasn't changed a bit.

I remember this place. What a story. Hasn't changed a bit. I mean, the old man used to sit in that corner booth right there, that very seat. He would read me the untolds right from the paper. That's good.

And then you'd be like, I would get a plate of news, we'd split it, dip it in gravy. Smoke my first cigarette right there. Hey, detective! Detective!

How can I help you? I don't know why I... Hello! Your character from earlier sounds so much different, even though it has the same accent. I just know it's the sandwich guy. Detective! What can I do for you? Okay, I got it you? Okay, good.

Excuse me, detective. What can I do for you? Ah, sorry. Long time, huh? I have a couple questions about a story you may have hired about seven, eight tells ago. Seven, eight? Yeah. Profile's looking for a man who, you know 19 to 32 oftentimes makes mistakes reggie

get over here try that again try that again okay i wish it was on better terms but uh you saw the tell well, right now we're looking for the story. And we traced him back to being around this area. Around these parts? He's 19 to 35, 6'1 to 6'3, prone to making mistakes, getting confused. Fucking you've got to be fucking kidding me. You've got to be fucking kidding me. And here's what brings me here, unfortunately. But here's what brings us to you.

The story that we found last night. Yeah? It was covered in tell. Reggie! That's good, that's good. And then you're going to be like, Reggie, get in here. Yeah, I have to do Reggie. Yeah, yeah.

No, but you're okay. You're good, you're good. His part's good. Yell for Reggie again. Reggie, where the fuck is you? Yeah, I have to do Reggie. Yeah, yeah. No, but you're okay. You're good. His part's good. Yell for Reggie again. Reggie, where the fuck is ya? No. All right, I'll yell for Reggie again. Reggie, what the fuck are you doing back there?

I'm sorry about that. That fucking kid, father, son, holy ghost, gonna be the death of me. I'm done doing favors for him. Well, while you're waiting, can I get you a story or something? On the house. Anything for the boys and new. No thanks on the sandwich. Maybe another

day. But this Reggie you speak of, when did you hire him? I fucking still remember. It was seven, eight months ago. We haven't said new or untold in a long time. I don't think it... Seven, eight months ago. We haven't said new or untold in a long time. I don't think it... Seven, eight news ago.

As hard as it is to say no to one of your stories, I'm gonna have to pass. But, uh, this Reggie. When did you hire him? Ah, fucking kid. I hired him about seven, eight months ago. Eight months. Seven, eight months, huh? You mind if I ask him a few tells?

Yeah, what the fuck is he? Reggie! What the fuck are you doing back there? He's not here. He's not there. Yeah, it's you. That's you. One second.

The door opens. What if I'm the employee? It's like, Reggie's not here. I got it. Hey, boss. Okay, hold on. Hey, boss. Hey, boss.

Reggie's not here. Hey, boss. Reggie's not here. Hold on. He was here 10, 15 minutes ago. He just ran out. He was here 10, 15 minutes ago, started rambling about a new one. He just ran out. He was here 10-15 minutes ago started rambling about a new one and he just ran out.

Didn't even turn off the story. He burnt 14 he burnt three news. Had to remake them. Hey boss, Reggie's not here. Yeah he was. Like 10-15 minutes ago he started rambling about something new or something and then he ran out of here. He burned all the tell too. I had to make a whole new batch.

That's it. That's it.