A New Untold Story - A New Untold Story: Ep. 221 - The 27 Club

Episode Date: January 14, 2021

|| A New Untold Story: Ep. 221 || The boys discuss proposing, graduation, the kid with the biggest dick in high school, foreign exchange students, and red meat! || Producer: Tyler GoochmanYou can find every episode of this show on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or YouTube. Prime Members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. For more, visit barstool.link/anuspodcast

Hey, A New Untold Story listeners, you can find every episode on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or YouTube. Prime members can listen to ad-free on Amazon Music. I'm home and I'm starving. Is that you? I said I'm home and I'm fucking starving. I can't hear you. Raise your voice. You can't hear me? I said I'm home. I can never fucking hear you.

I just walked in our door, the apartment that we live in, and I'm fucking starving. Alright, alright, alright. I got dinner ready. All right, all right, all right. I got dinner ready. Just please sit down. How was your day? Tell me how you did. Why are you prying again? Why are you prying like this?

All I asked is how your day was. I sit here all day. I'm cooking this meal for you. You don't give a fuck. I do give a fuck. You're my husband. I'm trying to ask you how you're doing, and you come in here. You treat me like a piece of shit.

It's funny. This story, it tastes cold. Why don't you make your own fucking story? Why, in the beer, it tastes warm. I feel like you got it backwards somewhere. Am I wrong for thinking

this story shouldn't be fucking cold? It's not my fault. You didn't fucking pay the bill. You didn't pay the bill. The battery's missing again? What the fuck? What did you do? Did you take the batteries out again?

Next time, you go into your own fucking fridge, you get your own fucking beer, then it'll be cold for you. You don't know, my fucking friends, you're never here in the house to be said, walk down the street, go meet her. Walk down the street, go meet her. If you're so worried about her, go meet her.

Lord have mercy. I don't want to fucking hear it anymore, okay? Listen, you pay no attention to me. 17 years of marriage and Vinny, the bitch down the street, is calling you. Why the fuck do you think I'm out here having a house? Mercy! Lord have mercy! I don't want to fucking hear it anymore, okay? Listen, you pay no attention to me! 17 years of marriage and Vinny the bitch down the street is calling you! Why the fuck do you think I'm out here having my own story? Vinny the bitch, does she have a dick? I'm having my own fucking story, none of your fucking business!

Yours. It was mine, but you were there. Yeah, of course I went. What? The biggest show in town. It was. It was. No, big is the wrong word.

It was an event. Nine of you i think your your class had nine graduates yeah we were a bigger class yeah what was the um what was the song they played but it kept it was like on loop well yeah because we it wasn't in the budget to get the full song so it was just the itunes preview just had to play the preview yeah and i could you could hear the click you had to keep clicking it to play it again well yeah it was coming from a phone in a solo cup they couldn't afford the 199 graduation song no they spent it on they spent the budget on balloon balloon yeah just the one yeah we're yeah we're class we're in class of

2010 so we just had the party committee yeah the zero he was a whippet addict he was he was uh yeah that was an event though because do you remember the commencement speech um there was was there a few there were the class president um no class president did he get assassinated he get assassinated? He was assassinated by heroin. Okay. Different day. But the commencement speech was the oldest living alumni.

Oh, like it was the guest speaker. He was the class of 99. Yeah. Wait. 1999. He was 29. Which was ancient. Class of 99, but his weight was of 98.

He was the weight of 99. Yeah. Because he was the least addicted to fentanyl. Yeah, well, he was like, I used to be a heroin addict, and I moved on from that.

It was like an inspiration. He was on fentanyl. He was on fentanyl. He's addicted to fentanyl now. At the time. Well, not, he's dead now, but at the time. Yeah, soon after. But at the time, that was's dead now but at the time yeah soon after but at the time that was the oldest man i've ever seen in my life because he was 20 yeah do you remember the 27 club we thought that was like an achievement yeah yeah no amy winehouse we didn't know the news that she died i was like i thought she was dead years ago we didn't know that was a tragedy i was like

i thought um good for her i was i was. I was Googling Jimi Hendrix health tips. Health secrets. I thought fucking Kurt Cobain was an orc. Or not. Why an orc? An orc is immortal, right? No, don't... No.

I won't start. Don't start. But it is. I thought Kurt Cobain was a Cthulhu. You can't be a Cthulhu. There's only one Cthulhu. I'm using synonyms of immortal. No, you're not at all.

Okay. No. Yeah. Yeah. When somebody died of 27, I don't even think to ask what happened. I assume natural causes. Of course they did. Yeah.

Okay. I remember there was an enterprise opened up and they ran out of business fast. I thought the song Only the Good Die Young was about miscarriages. Billy Joel was singing about fetuses. Yeah, but he

gave that commencement speech. It was moving. Come out, Virginia. I don't know know come out of the the womb yeah no that was good is that good yeah no but we're talking we're talking facts now yeah no but i remember um back in the day we had the heroin was an epidemic and it's wrong to make fun of but we did have a kid in our class who had to get both of his arms amputated he was cocky about it yeah gang all the infections gangrenous he had to lose both his arms but remember he refused to shoot up in his penis he had the biggest penis he had he was the most well

endowed he was very proud and so when he got his arms amputated he was just i saw him naked in this he looked like a pitchfork he did he yeah he well he landed on his feet that's all he that's all he could land on but no like but like after high school he like what did he go to he went to arizona state not to college he would they They used a silhouette to make the logo. No, but he graduated with me, and we had to tie a jump rope to his tassel. Because he had to do it with his feet to move it to the other side of his hat. Yeah, well, he's still getting residual checks from Arizona State for being their logo. His estate is getting them. He's long dead.

Yes, very long dead. Yeah. But then we had, after the commencement speech, what was it? Well, the valedictorian had to make a speech. Oh, my God, yeah. Your valedictorian was... He was a junior. He wasn't even in your class. Yeah, but he was just like the smartest.

He had a 2.8. He had a 2.4. Yeah. And they were just like, yeah, mathematically, you are the valedictorian for the next two years. You don't have to go to class anymore. Yeah. I think they gave it to him because he was Asian. So that's what I thought, too.

We found out six months later. It was racist on our staff before. It wasn't because his parents were florists, and he was just very allergic to pollen. Oh, that's it. But we did... But we did have... He was white. He was a white man. His name was Sean. He was pinkish.

Sean McKinley. Yes. Yeah, with like a capital K and a capital N. I don't know, whatever. But we did have Asians. We had a lot of... They were all Vietnamese, though. Yeah, we had a huge, like, a ton of Vietnamese exchange students.

And this was right at the time the Lakers were a dynasty, so they loved Kobe. They did like... Yeah, they were just basketball fans in general. So they played for... They were the only people academically... To be on the team. I remember that year, they were just basketball fans in general. So they played for, they were the only people academically.

To be on the team. Yes. I remember that year. It was just all them, yeah. We had the most wins that year. Mm-hmm. We went 0-16. Yeah, yeah.

But we did it, yeah. Our point guard was like 5-1. Yeah, it was all, yeah, they were all from Ho Chi Minh City. Our center was 5-2. Their experience was like a playground in Hanoi.

Our salutatorian was five, too. Their experience was like a playground in Hanoi. Our salutatorian was not, like, they were smart. She was. She was smart. Yes. She went on to do, like, colonoscopies and stuff at MIT, Romney. Oh, she did. Yeah, she did his. She graduated from Pitt Johnstown. She did,, yeah, she did his. She graduated from Pitt-Johnstown.

She did, yeah. But she got in. She was actually smart, yeah. Yeah, she got, like, a damn near perfect. She did really well on her SATs? No, she got a damn near perfect score on her ACTs. ACT? Yeah, but unfortunately, she got very bad marks on ACT scan. On her CAT scan. Yeah, but unfortunately she got very bad marks on ACT scan.

On her CAT scan. Yeah, yeah. She had cancer? It was like Kimbo Slice if he was born in June. Oh, aggressive cancer. Very, very aggressive cancer. We used to, all the new kids in our school, we would set up dates with her. We'd be like, hey, the new kid wants to go out with you we'll meet at denny's let me tell the new kid hey we have a blind date

set up for you and we'd play balderdash i'd i'd heard of this yeah i never yeah we'd be like oh she wants to board game no no no we'd send him in and he'd see that you know she was bald due to And he'd see that she was bald due to the treatment. He had a choice. He would have to go on a date or dash. Or bald or dash. Yeah, the choice was theirs. And she ended up paying for like 15 grand slams at Denny's one semester. You guys were just testing the boy's moral compass.

Yes. It was like a haze. it was much like a haze but i remember like you had like nine total kids graduate and like seven of them went on a mission they were a missionary trip or was it a hmm no it was a a reverse missionary yeah like a prone bone because we had kids from senegal come to like our area teach us how to floss uh-huh install septic tanks yeah yeah hell of a program i remember that's incredible since our class what well we had the biggest graduating class because it was a smarter class so we had nine kids graduate and so we all got our senior pictures in the newspaper but you couldn't tell where the senior pictures ended and the obituaries began there because oftentimes it's a gray area well a literal

yeah i remember the one year like they there was an ink shortage our newspaper just couldn't afford ink it wasn't half the time it wasn't black and white it was black or white it looked like our paper boy was just throwing rolls of bounty yeah and just landed on the front porch. I came as soon as I heard. Fucking 17 years. 17 years of marriage down the story. This broad does this to me. 17 years of marriage. Lord have mercy. You said you saw Vinny on her phone?

Yeah, that fucking Vinny guy. Vinny Story? Not Vinny Story. Is he kidding me? It was Vinny Toll, that fella. Vinny Toll from 34th and New? 34th and New. I gotta get my

mind off this. Anything on Reggie? Getting any leads or something or what? I binged him about 30 minutes ago and I've been searching ever since and his record looks, it looks clean. You kidding me? Look at this. He graduated with a 3.7, Sigma Cum Story, All State. He got into the U, full ride. Sigma Kumbh story, all state. He got into the U, full ride. Miami? No one told state. Wait a second.

That Reggie, are you on his Facebook? Shut up, shut up. Look at this. 15 stories ago, he posted a picture. Reggie? Where is he? On his Facebook? Where is he? It looks like he's in an arcade.

It looks like he's in an arcade. We gotta get out of here right now. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Fellas, anything before you leave? Yeah, yeah, but we gotta get out of here. We gotta get out of here right now. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Fellas, anything before you leave? Yeah, yeah, but we got to get out of here. We got to get out of here, but I'll take the French onion soup. Give me the tomato. How's your chowder?

You don't want the chowder. You know what? Just give me a borscht. All right, I'll do the minestrone, side of bisque, lobster, and chicken noodle. The bisque is going to take an extra ten minutes. That's fine. Where did you see bisque on there? The bisque? It's right here, right below the chili.

That looks damn good. You know what? I'll take the bisque, too, then, if we're going to wait. Why are you all dressed? Me? Yeah. I don't know. I'm just dressed to impress. That's actually a nice flannel.

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What's up with the story on your dash? That stuff story? That was my daughter's. I didn't know you had a daughter. I did. My God, I'm so sorry. What happened? Why do you think this case has been weighing on me so much?

She was 12 years old when she got untold. Just like that little kid. Saw him last night. Lifeless. All I saw was her sweet face. Yeah, that's why I don't go in arcades anymore. What? Pretty empty aside from this one kid.

Hey, kid. Kid, hey, who's? What do you want? You ever seen this man? I ain't no snitch. You'd be really helping us out if you told us. He's a dangerous man. What, I look like a canary? I used to be a kid just like you. What do I gotta do to earn your respect? You gotta trust me. Well, I've been trying to find somebody to play and kiss me

in some air hockey. If I keep beating everybody in the joints, then they won't face me no more. Air hockey? I keep beating everybody in the joints and they won't face me no more. Air hockey? Air hockey? All right, kid, here's a quarter. Put it in. Put your story where your mouth is, old man. All right, here's another quarter. We'll do best of two. See you later. Kid, you're not too bad. Oh, I'm just getting started. I'm actually left-handed.

Uh-oh. Two-nothing. Three-nothing. Four-nothing. Mister, you stink. I'm out of practice, mister. You must really suck. Hey, hey, no soup on the table.

And that's game. All right, you win, kid, but, uh, you gotta tell me about Reggie. He's very dangerous. You're not safe here alone. Well, I'll tell you about Reggie. He's one of the storm... Hey, Dad! Dad! Hey, I'm talking to you. I need some quarters. What are you... Do I look like your dad? I'm not about Reggie. He's one of the stories. Hey, Dad! Dad! Hey, I'm talking to you. I need some quarters. What are you... Do I look like your dad?

I'm not talking to you. He's talking to me. That's my son. Wait, you're a kid and you have a kid? Yeah, I got a kid. You got a problem with that? Where the fuck are these kids' parents? Hey, we're over here. You're over here, mister. What is going on here? How old are you?

I'm this many years old. So you're telling me you're a kid. Your kid's a kid and your parents are a kid? I don't even know what's going on in this world anymore. I gotta get the fuck out of here. Mr. Way up. Yeah, kid. I don't want to say this in front of the fellas,

but you got some serious game on the table. Thanks, kid, but I gotta get back on this case. But out of due respect, I wanna give you something. But listen, you never got it from me. What is this, a coloring book? I don't, I don't, I have no use for this. Open it to page six. That's a giraffe.

It's blue. Oh, boy. Yeah, not so pretty in there, huh? That arcade, that's a fucking racket in there. Goblin quarters up from little kids. They don't know better. Turning their brains to vegetables. Yeah, but it wasn't totally useless. I got an address. The fuck you mean, an address?

Look below the giraffe. Is this what I think it is? Is this whose address I think it is? Is this gonna lead us to where I think it will? Yeah. Oh, and by the way, my daughter, she died in the claw machine. They've been finance chicks. Yes, finance chicks.

Susan B. Anthony. Coin bitches. No, but for real. No, it was blockchain girls. So the other day on the radio we had Bitcoin Marty in talking Bitcoin. I had nothing to contribute. I don't know anything about it.

So I just like jokingly said, I'm more into blockchain. They have the best pussy. They have the best bitches, groupies. And in passing, that doesn't make any sense to say. It quite literally did not. So I thought, and then I get a bunch of dms from guys who listen and they were like yeah like we bit uh blockchain girls are they do have the best pussy we have the best um groupies in crypto they were like giving me a whole spiel like like pitching me

bitcoin or blockchain girls they were sending pictures of like women and of Ethereum women. Comparisons. Comparisons. And do they – They're – let me say this. They weren't wrong because blockchain did have the best-looking girls, I guess, like way better than the Bitcoin broads or the whatever, doggy. I don't even know what that is. So I went down a rabbit hole of blockchain girls and they look they advertise it they look all right they don't look good

but they don't look bad at all they don't look bad at all what what does i don't know what that means i said what i said they don't look good they do not look good but they don't look bad at all at all i can actually relate for the first time ever with you because i used to fuck around with a blockchain bitch what pre-blockchain pre-blockchain uh but she got into a pre-med student a doctor she i guess so but it was still impressive for you you see you see somebody and you're like all right she's gonna be a blockchain girl here pretty soon a couple more pounds but uh she cheated on me she met this like bodybuilder dude. He was enormous. I'm sorry. She left you for a bodybuilder?

Yeah. That makes the most sense. Actually. In the world. Yeah. That's almost like natural. No. That's like an instinct. She met him while we were still together.

He was on red meat. He was a bodybuilder on red meat. Yeah. Dude, they all do like keto and shit no no no not not like uh ingesting beef he i'm sure he did but i'm talking about the app red meat which is all the more embarrassing that she downloaded the app what are you talking about me the uh the eczema dating app and so oh fuck i've never heard of that. Okay. No, I actually have. She is the one that's actually, that's actually a dating because I probably wasn't the best boyfriend, but you're a good guy.

No, but I saw, I saw that she had downloaded the app and I flipped. It was like, it was a really, it was a very, it was a very rash decision because I saw it and I immediately just was like, get the fuck out of my place. I don't think any guy would do the same thing yeah I mean you can't I mean I think I'm looking back at the things I miss the most the more I reflect on it rose colored glasses yeah yes you're right maybe even darker

shade um tinted a little bit more um no I yeah it was like relationships should be a two way street ours was always way more one sided on her end your end uh it was like relationships should be a two-way street ours was always way more one-sided on her end urine uh it was like a i scratch her back she scratches her back kind of deal she would uh she would always like want to shower with me and she would ask me to give her head and shoulders

and like after all after fucking all of that, she's still flaked. So it's just. That's why I don't go in arcades anymore. What? All right. All right. Yeah. So we're slurping. No, no, but that's why I don't go to arcades anymore

What? Never mind how's the minestrone I think I ordered a minestrone It doesn't matter Jesus Christ Let's go from the top From the tippy top? 3, 2, 1

I gotta say this is This is my first time in your cruiser. It's pretty nice, you peep. Pretty clean. But I gotta ask. You know I gotta ask. Yeah, what is it? What's up with the story on your dash?

That stuffed story? That was my daughter's. I didn't know you had a daughter. I did have a daughter. My God, I'm so sorry what happened Why do you think this case has been weighing on me so much She was 12 years old When she got untold

Just like that little kid Saw him last night Lifeless face down in the puddle All I saw was her sweet face That's why Why do you think I don't go in arcades? What?

What? Yeah, yeah, okay, okay. That's why I don't go in arcades anymore. Should I do that from the arcades? Yeah, do the arcades again. That's why I don't

go in arcades anymore. What? Nothing. how's that alright yeah that's why I don't go in arcades anymore what never mind hey how's that minestrone

that was good Never mind. Hey, how's that minestrone? No, that was good. Jeff will make the break noise. Break noise. All right, I guess I'm going in alone. Wish me luck. P.F.D., do you want to play this kid? No, he's the kid's kid. Yeah.

No, you should be the kid. You have the most lines here. He's like a scoundrel. Yeah. Just do the same voice you did, but about six months older. Okay. And I'm playing this. If he wants information on Reggie, he has to beat him in air hockey.

Yeah, I see him. I've seen him. Yeah, you see him all the time. He just left 10 minutes ago. Maybe I should start by going like I'm not a snitch. Yeah. You have to be like, come on, kid. Yeah.

We're trying to solve a kid. Come on, kid. We're trying to solve a story. on kid we're trying to solve a story I'm not a tell I ain't no canary alright yeah what do I look like

over here I ain't no canary okay yeah yeah that's okay yo kid kid oh shit fuck I lost the accent

I just need you to know yeah pretty barren in here. Okay, there's a kid over there. Hey, kid. Kid, hey, yous. What do you want? You ever seen this man?

I ain't no snitch. You'd be really helping us out if you told us. He's a dangerous man. Well, I look like a canary. Listen. I used to be a kid just like you. What do I got to do to earn your respect? You got to trust me.

Well, I've been trying to find somebody to play and kiss me in some air hockey. I keep beating everybody in the joints and they won't face me no more. Air hockey? My God. Air hockey? My God. Air hockey? Air hockey? All right, kid. Here's a quarter.

Put it in. Put your story where your mouth is, old man. All right. Here's two quarters. We'll do two games. No, we're fine. Best of two. Best of two.

Best of two series. All right. Here's another quarter. We'll do best of two. Best of two. Best of two series. All right, here's another quarter. We'll do best of two series. Okay, so ping pong sound effects. You're not bad, kid. Yeah, I ain't no slouch. I ain't no story. Yeah, I ain't no story.

It makes a different noise when it scores. Oh, it does? Yeah. One nothing. Uh-oh. Yeah, one nothing. Oh, I thought we were practicing. Oh, yeah.

You're pretty good, kid. Oh, we started? Yeah. Oh, we started? Guess. Oh, we started? Guess I'll play left-handed then. What? Uh-oh. Ching, ching, ching, ching.

Hey, Dad, can I have a quarter? What? I'm not your dad. Can't you see I'm talking here? He's talking to me. That's my son. What the fuck hey oh yeah

yeah he's talking to me yeah he's fucking talking to me hey watch your mouth kid where are your parents we're over here I haven't told in a week I'm out of practice, mister.

You must really suck. All right, then just a game point and then. Hey, hey, no soup on the table. And that's game. All right, you win, kid. But you got to tell me about Reggie. He's very dangerous. You're not safe here alone.

Well, I'll tell you about Reggie. He's one of the stories. Hey, Dad, Dad. Hey, I'm talking to you. I need some quarters. What are you? Do I look like your dad? I'm not talking to you.

He's talking to me. That's my son. Wait, you're a kid and you have a kid? Yeah, I got a kid. You got a problem with that? Where the fuck are these kids' parents? We're over here. We're over here.

But is it two people doing it? We're over here. Don't swear in front of our kid. Don't swear in front of our kid and our grandchild. Wait, that kind of could have been like an old person, though. Yeah, it could have been. We're over here. Hey, we're over here. We're over here, mister.

Over here. How old are yous? We're this old. I'm this many years old. I like the befuddled call, like, how old are yous? Yeah, you're a kid, your kids are kids. Your parentsled call. Like, how old are you? Yeah, you're a kid. Your kid's a kid.

Your parents are kids. Yeah, my grandma's a kid. I'm too new for this. I'm way too new for this. What are they teaching these kids? Don't tell me how to raise my grandchild. All right, I gotta get the fuck out of here. Language. And then I gotta get that. I gotta get the fuck out of here. Language!

And then we could end it. Yeah. Okay, okay. What is going on here? You're a kid, your kid's a kid, your parents are kids? Yeah, I'm this many years old. Oh yeah, I'll ask. How old are you?

What is going on here. How old are you? What is going on here? How old are you? I'm this many years old. You're a kid. Your kid's a kid. You're a kid. Your kid's a kid. And your parents...

I gotta get out of here. All right. That's so dumb. Or say like, I gotta get the fuck out of here. Yeah. And I'll be like, don't swear in front of my grandchild. So you're telling me you're a kid. Your kid's a kid and your parents are a kid.

I don't even know what's going on in this world anymore. I gotta get the fuck out of here. Hey, don't swear in front of my grandchild. Hey, don't swear in front of my grandson. Yeah, that's good. Did I even say anything about Reggie? Nothing.

No, I can go out to the car. Oh, you'll leave anything. One more thing. Something about Reggie? Yeah. Hey, wait a minute. Hey, one more thing. Yeah, Reggie was here.

You got game. You ain't bad. Mr. Ye ain't so bad. We haven't said new or untold story at all. It's too hard. I don't even want to go to that house. I don't even think you need to. No.

Should we say something about Reggie? Yeah, he was here. Reggie, he won't be back. No, no. Reggie was here. Hey, mister. You got game. You got spunk. Spunk. Reggie was here. It was like the Mean Joe

Green commercial. It was like, hey, kid, catch. What is this? Let me throw at you. Reggie was here. It was like the Mean Joe Green commercial. It was like, hey, kid, catch. What is this? Let me throw at you. Reggie's lucky. Hey, old man. Catch. Hey, kid. What the fuck is this?

What the fuck? Did Reggie leave a soup? No, we brought soup. Reggie left. What if you just find, like, a bowl of Minestrone back? Oh, your Minestrone back. That's not mine. I think maybe next episode we have...

Maybe it's a picture of Reggie's mother. It's the address of Reggie. That's the address of Reggie's mother. And then I want a very dramatic, almost stereotypical black woman to be the mother. Yeah. Now, my Reggie. My Reggie. Yeah, that wasn't it.

Everybody's from New York in this universe. Yeah, we'll just make her. My Reggie? No, he's an angel. He got into... Yeah, we know. Sigma cum laude. All right.

Yeah, PFT maybe want you want to give us... What should the evidence be? That's an address. Reggie's house. Thanks, kid. Don't call me that. Yeah, okay. Hey, mister. Mister, wait. Yeah?

Almost forgot. It's Reggie's address. Say, like, I have game. I didn't want to do it in there. mister wait yeah almost forgot it's Reggie's address uh say like I have game I didn't want to do it in there hey mister mister yeah

I almost forgot to tell you you got some serious game thanks kid but uh I gotta get out of here cause I respect you so much on the table, that is. I want to give you something.

Don't say you got it from me. You never got it from me. You understand? It's like written in crayon that everything's spelled wrong.