A New Untold Story - A New Untold Story: Ep. 222 - The Broken Book

Episode Date: January 21, 2021

|| A New Untold Story: Ep. 222 || The boys discuss books, accents, the art of blind siding, & sloppy seconds, as well as an update on Reggie!!! || Producer: Tyler GoochmanYou can find every episode of this show on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or YouTube. Prime Members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. For more, visit barstool.link/anuspodcast

Hey, A New Untold Story listeners, you can find every episode on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or YouTube. Prime members can listen to ad-free on Amazon Music. Kyle. Brother. Do the, uh... Kyle. Yeah. Do the, uh, uncle who just got a journal for Christmas and he doesn't know what it is.

Um, an uncle who is... he is for christmas and he doesn't know what it is um an uncle who is he is homophobic sure but he loves books though okay yeah yeah he is but he hates the idea of like um showing emotions okay okay he gets a journal he gets a journal and he doesn't know what journals are he rips up in the first page. What the? What the fuck is this? There's no fucking words. The fuck if this book is broken? The fuck?

There's no story? The fuck? Where'd you get? Where's the receipt? The fuck if it's just empty pages? The fuck you want me to do with this? Magically make the words appear? Make the words myself?

The fuck, where's the story? Where the fuck is the, yeah, what the fuck you get this book from, Barnes and Nobles? The fuck, take this back. What do you want me to do with this? I can't read this. Empty Pays is a broken book. This fucking book is broke. The fuck? There's no chapters?

There's no allegory? There's no onomatopoeia? This isn't Charlotte's Web? The fuck is this? Who fucking made this book? How the fuck did this get passed? How the fuck are they is this? Who fucking made this book? How the fuck did this get passed? How the fuck are they selling this? The book just has a cover and an end.

There's no fucking, the pages are fucking blank. There's no chapters. The fuck you want me to do with this? I'm trying to read a story. And this is a blank page. What the fuck you want me to do with this there ain't no what the fuck

there's no fables there's no climax there's no beginning no end the fuck is this I remember I used to be catcher in the rye this isn't this this is a fucking invisible ink the fuck is this, a prank?

Yeah, so... And he was homophobic? I don't know. Someone has to describe what a journal is to me. The fuck is this? The fuck? This is a broken book. What is this? This is a journal is to me. The fuck is this? The fuck? This is a broken book. What is this? This is a journal.

You write in it yourself. A fucking diary? The fuck you... What does that even mean? You do the author's job yourself. The fuck? Like, what do I do? Tell me what a journal is a journal is an empty uh

it's it's an empty book you write your thoughts write my thoughts they pour my feelings out on a fucking page hey is that story old or told? No, baby. It's a new untold story. A new untold story. It's a fresh, big untold story. A new untold story. The fuck is this shit, dude?

Every single page more empty than the next. This shit is broken. How did this get... How did they even sell this? The fuck is this? Growing up when I was a kid, I had the Rainbow Fish, Huck Finn, Lord of the Flies, Casey at the fucking Bat. Dogs don't wear sneakers. This is empty.

This is a broken book. I fucking had Tom Sawyer, Separate Peace. Well, I never read that. I never read that. But this is not even a book. It has the fucking cover in the back and the pages, but the pages are fucking empty. They're invisible. Give me some words. Give me some stories.

No chapters. No fucking nothing. The fuck am I going to do with this? Take it back. give me the receipt take it back give me another gift I love you to death but I need a better gift than this no index no fucking table of contents

no fucking climax no protagonist no antagonist no fucking literary devices. Yeah. The fuck? You want me to fucking make my own story?

How the fuck? They're running a fucking sham at fucking Barnes and Nobles. The fuck is going on there, dude? Back when I was a kid, we bought the book. We got to read the book. This shit is fucking bananas. This shit.

I'm sorry. It was only $14.99. $14.99? What the fuck? When I was a kid, I got 10 Mad Magazines for that. Ten and a half. And a fucking story. The fuck? When I was a kid, I got ten mad magazines for that. Ten and a half. And a fucking story.

The fuck? This has no story. This is a fucking broken... The pages are broken. Not a single word on here. The fuck? Can't even read anything. Oh, and your fit is fucking incredible right now.

It goes dummy hard. Where'd you get that? Did you get that from Macy's or JCPenney? Oh, fuck JCPenney! I guess that interjection doesn't work as well. Words that aren't syllabically equal to no baby. No, I think you actually got that from... Oh, fuck, JC!

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Oh, yeah. But you also do look good in that. I've been sleeping in mine and having a ton of wet dreams. And if you're thinking about getting anything from another clothing store, say, hell, JCPenney? Only one thing to say to that. I'm a puppet now. Is that the extent of the value that I bring? You might as well have a pool string on your back.

Fuck Jason Panter. In a cage, yeah. Cool. Honey, he's going to do it. Oh my God, here must be KB from... Make the noise. Put a dollar in his jar. He'll do it.

Look at this. Make the noise. Put a dollar in his jar. He'll do it. He's about to do it. The daisy penny. Oh, his friend did it. He was cute. Not the same, I guess. This is what we came here for. This is why you're hired here at Barstool. Here he goes.

He's about to do it. That's his intro. Oh my god, it's almost the grand finale. Just wait, it gets good. He's about to do it. Guys, guys, come here. He's about to do it. Put your phone down. No, actually, take it out and film. Yeah, yeah, yeah your phone down. No, no, actually take it out and film. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Look at him.

I think this is the place. It said the eighth floor. Eighth floor? Yeah. The fuck? Is it a walk-up? It is. The fuck?

Is this a mountain? No. Just a building with eight floors. All right. Let's get walking. All right, halfway there. This is a fucking workout in half. Imagine doing this every day.

There's not a single alternative way to get up here. I didn't see a single lift or even an escalator or an elevator or even a fucking pulley system. Not a single rope. No rope. No nothing. I'm going to keep walking here. Oh, my God. Okay. Is this it?

8.57. 8.57. Yeah, this is it. All right. Why don't you knock? Why don't what? Don't worry. Don't worry about it. Why don't you knock? Why don't you just fucking knock?

Why don't you knock? I've never seen you once knock on a door. You know I don't knock. I didn't know that you don't knock. I'm not going to fucking. Why don't you knock on doors? Why are we whispering? Why don't you knock on doors? Yeah, why would I? Don't fucking worry about me.

Alright, excuse me. Can you get out of the way so I can knock on the fucking door? Yeah, I'm gonna get out of your way. You fucking knock on that door. Why don't you look through the peephole and find out for yourself? Who needs to be bothering me right now? Oh, it's the cops. How are you two? Second here.

Always here to help my boys anew. What can I do for you today? So you must be Reggie's pops, huh? Yes, I am. Why do you ask? I was just wondering. Well, all right. You boys have a good one.

Wait, wait, wait. One more thing before you go. Okay. You got any recent pictures of your boy? Recent pictures of my boy? I do. I'm not sure why you would need one, though. We're just curious what he's been up to.

So we just wanted to take a look and see what he's been up to. Well, I promise you it won't be anything bad. He's a stand-up citizen. I raised him myself to be a great young lad. He plays lacrosse, ice hockey. Sir, why don't you just go get the picture? All right, against my better judgment. But I will, because I like you boys.

Thank you. Hey, Detective. Yeah? Did you notice something there? I don't want to say funny. Nah, I wasn't going to say funny. But did you notice something about Reggie's old man? He's in a wheelchair.

Joining us on the pod today is Adam Ferone. Adam is doing an Australian mate who is worried about blackface. For some reason. Yeah, yeah. We'll figure that out when we get there uh ron okay so wait so i just so everyone knows i was never accused of doing blackfights in my life okay i just know a lot of people who were unfairly demonized by Kai for doing blackface.

So I just want everyone to know, especially around politically charged events like the inauguration, no one's to do blackface. Fuck. Damn. And that's probably happening because with the US inauguration

they gotta prepare especially in Australia what about like are we allowed to use charcoal face masks to cleanse the pores common misconception charcoal

charcoal's actually okay Shark hole's actually our guy As long as there's a grime vice We'll be confused for Blick Fist Can you just say exfoliating scrubs in that voice? Exfoliating scrubs Some words throw you out of it I can't do I need to get centered in noise Can you just say exfoliating scrubs in that voice? Exfoliating scrubs. Some words throw you out of it.

I can't do that. I need to get centered in. I can't do the Australian accent. Nye? I think Nye, Guy, Si. I have a question. Yes, from the... Can we... What about the N-word?

N-word's perfectly fine. Okay. Making sure. As long as you're singing along to 360 Of the Kid Leroy Everything's fine Just covering my bases You know my skincare is important to me

So it's alright if I use some sort of misc Sorry Nick you're gonna have to take the day off Just one dye is not gonna ruin your complexion alright alright me and the mates like to kind of just smudge the eye black all over we ought to do a mud mask

now now Baron Trump just transferred into a boarding school in Melbourne And he has a question Of course Damn he adopted the accent fast It helps me fit in with my mates Where did that come from?

I'm still, some of the boys are British, so I don't, I'll mix it up a little bit. All right. Who's that student? He's not saying anything. He's just doing hand signals and he's British and he's deaf. He has a question. And the only word he can say is Malia Robomer. We are on an eighth floor walk-up.

What in the ever-living mother fuck? How did he get up here? My thoughts exactly. Oh, shut up. Here he comes. Alright, boys. Here's that picture you requested. Thank you. Let me see that. Why is it so dusty?

How old is this? Is this a recent photo? Oof, boy, it's gotta be at least at this point two, three days old. Holy fuck. This boy in the picture with Reggie. One right, that's the one he mentors. Mentored. That's our victim. Is that who I think it is?

Look at this. Yeah, in the reflection? Yeah. That that Alamo. Is that who I think it is? Look at this. In the reflection? Yeah. That Alamo Pete kid? You mean Peter? Peter's his friend. He just moved here a couple months ago from San Antone. We arrested him like 12 hours ago for shoplifting at that daycare down the street. Shoplifted three, four, even five kids in his coat. At least three, four, even five kids in his coat. At least three, four, five kids.

There's no way Reggie was involved with that, but that Pete, he's a real shady suspect. Pete's at the station right now. He's right at the station right now. Let's go have a talk with Pete, though. All right. Hey, and, uh, sir, one more thing. I couldn't help but to notice you're in a chair.

How do you get out of here? Well, I've never left, actually. They built this building around me. I was up here in an abandoned lot, fell asleep one day, next thing you know... That's enough from you. But wait, if you've never left, how in the fuck

do you get food? How the fuck do you get stamps? Well, obviously Reggie does all that stuff for me, though I guess I realize now I haven't mailed a letter in about a week. Oh, Jesus, I haven't eaten any food in probably two weeks. Detective, he's starving after death. Yeah, let's get out of his hair. Yeah.

Sorry for wasting your time, sir. All right, of course, boys. I'm happy to help. Let me know if you find anything on Reggie. Can you have maybe one of your business cards so I know where to contact you? I have one left, so I'd rather not. Great segue. Great segue into Michael Orr.

No, when The Blind Side came out in our town. Like 09? Yeah. Was that when it. Like, 09? Yeah. Was that when it came out? 09? Yeah. Take or give? Sure.

Take? I don't know. Fuck you. The line was, like, around the corner at the theater. Moms, especially, fucking loved it. They were seeing it for the second and third time. It was almost like Fifty Shades of Grey, how they were fantasizing to be Sandra Bullock. They wanted to be Sandra Bullock's character.

There was this one woman who went leaps and bounds. She was taking in minority children. She was searching. She was like, we have probably three black families in our town. Yeah, at most. And they were all well off. Very. And I remember she took one kid in.

She was like, come on, come stay with me for a while. And he's like, what? You don't even have like... But he was friends with her son, so I guess it kind of made sense. He was like, yeah, I'll stay the night. No, I think it was the son brought him over, and she was like, oh my God, this fell right into my lap. A sign from God. And so she set him up in the guest room and she's

like, have you ever seen one of these? A bed? Yeah, come here. I want to show you your new room. He's like, what? I have like two in like a guest room and like a house. I have like two like summer homes. I heard you say you don't see your parents very often. Yeah, like they're both

surgeons. Like they're on call a lot. But we have a great relationship. Yeah, I love them to death. She was trying to... She wanted his mom to be a drug addict. She was trying to feed her Xanax. No, she's fine.

Mako, come here down to the kitchen. I want to show you something pretty neat. And he's like, what? I'm just trying to play PS2 with your son. No, come here. She shows him how to get water from the fridge. You don't have to drink out of the hose or a pond anymore.

He was like, I have a reverse osmosis device in my room. I'm very hydrated. Michael, has your mother ever read you a book? Yeah, they founded the Nook e-reader. It doesn't exist yet even. It's technology that I have.

I have the prototype. No, come here. You're not making any sense. A book, Michael. Yeah, here's Charlotte's way. But she was trying to find his skill. He wasn't an athlete, she was like trying to see if he was like a musical prodigy michael michael you could be anything we got we got you a recorder i have like a 17 000 violin at home and i'm like i don't hey michael here's a xylophone but it's not it's tricky because it

actually starts with an x and all you gotta do is pick up these two sticks and just ding, ding, ding, ding. Yeah. I played in all American orchestras in Vienna, Austria. I have a full-size marimba. I know. Yo-yo ma. She tried to make him a football player. Yeah.

She was like, okay. He was like 5'4". Yeah, he was very small. Very smart, though. Yeah. She tried to give him a tutor. She was like, Michael, this is Miss Sue. She was like, how big is your head, Michael?

What? That was what she asked. Sally, Kathy Bates asked. Oh, asked Michael Orr, how big is your head? And Michael was like, big. Michael Orr watching that movie, probably bringing his family, his wife, and his kids to that premiere. And just like, hey, I'm going to watch a movie about my life. It's really inspirational.

And then they make him like that. Well, yeah, what's the word? There is a word. Michael, what you're feeling right now is hungry. You got to eat, Michael. Yeah, I have a chef. I had escargot for breakfast. I'm okay.

You're essentially kidnapping me right now. So that's the only reason I'm somewhat hungry. I remember she was like 0 for 3 on trying to blindside kids. She did a couple more. Because she grabbed another kid and he was just like, she was an attractive woman. And he was just like 36. And so he was just like, yeah, fuck yeah, I'll come over. And she was like, come here, we're going to have you try out for the team. He's like, what? And he was just like, yeah, fuck you. I'll come over. Yeah. He was like, come here.

We're going to have you try out for the team. He's like, what? And he was just crushing. Give me every position. He was like, he was 36. And I'm playing in a middle school game. And the coach was like, where did you find him? At Generations Restaurant and Pub.

Yeah, I saw him at the bar. Yeah. Asked me if he wanted to come home with me. He bought me a drink. He had plenty of money. Yeah. Yeah, I saw him at the bar. Yeah. Asked him if he wanted to come home with me. He bought me a drink. He had plenty of money. Yeah. Yeah. He's a mechanical engineer.

A brain full of knowledge, like a filing cabinet filled with maps. That's much more like a computer, but yeah. That's a weird metaphor, but yeah, I guess. Well, you don't really need to file maps. Yeah, a brain is a very complex and intricate organ but yeah i guess it's like a file cabinet filled with maps miss sue um michael you could do anything i i can do um yeah no i'm much more successful than i i realize yeah i'm all yeah i'm already doing that.

Michael, I saw you were sleeping out on the streets. I was camping. It was 4-H. Michael, I noticed your clothes were old. These are vintage. They were like $80. It's like a super rare jacket. It's like $400 for stock.

Michael, you don't have to eat snails for dinner anymore. We got Taco Bell. Yeah. I haven't had a carb in three years. He's like shredded. You're wasting away to nothing, Michael. I could see your bones. Yeah, like I have been here solely because I, in the off chance that you'll fuck me.

You are very stupid and ignorant. You look just like Sandra Bullock. I know what you're trying to do. I'll play along. I just want to fuck you so badly. let's run it like he wants to fuck her i'll be you were like i remember like three years ago you were trying to be like miss congeniality yeah she's just following whatever bullock does yeah like i know what you're doing right now this movie i was in the theater you saw me walking out of the theater yeah i actually paid for it

how do you watch a movie expensively yeah you tried to be miss congeniality three years ago yeah i was in the same theater with you i was watching it expensively while you were there i'm watching it less i fucked you then too i fucked you three years ago when you were masquerading as miss congeniality yeah i was Yeah, yeah. I fucked you three years ago when you were masquerading as Miss Congeniality. Yeah, I was. Yeah, what else was she in? Ocean's 8?

I don't know. Crash. Yeah, she's in jail now because she tried to steal a bunch of fucking gems. Michael, you want me to read you a story? My name. Wait, you're going to get into bed with me? Fuck yeah. Yeah. I'm going to read you The Jabberw name. Wait, you're going to get into bed with me? Fuck yeah. Yeah. I'm going to read you The Jabberwocky.

I hope it isn't too scary. No. I mean, yeah. I mean, yeah. Yeah. I'm pretty scared, I guess. Fuck. Bird Box will be fun for him.

Yeah. He's looking forward to it. This is a television. It's got all sorts of channels. Yeah, like we have an IMAX theater. We have a home theater set up. Two of them, actually. Wait, three, yeah.

It's nice. I never had one before. What? A room to yourself? Nah. A white lady? Yeah. Yeah.

A white bitch. I've never had one before. What? A mom? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. A white bitch. I've never had one before. What? A mom? Nah, head. Nah, blowjob. A bed? Nah, I think I like...

A bed? A white woman. A room? A room to yourself? Yeah, it does look like we need gas. We're damn near empty. The arrow is well below the E. Well below the E.

It's telling me we need some gas It does seem like our gas tank is quite empty Stop there, we can go You're the one driving I'm the one driving, so I'm gonna Stop at this station, this petrol station Down the road here I'm gonna fill up the tank

And I'm gonna go in Let's go in and get some snacks And I could use a pack of... smokes. Alright, uh... I wanna go get some snacks. You wanna go up and pay for the gas and get some smokes? Give me a pack of, uh... Untold ports. Untold ports. Yeah, I'm gonna get you a pack of untold ports.

Appreciate it. Hundreds. Hundreds. How you doing, kid? How you doing, sweetheart? Let me get out 20 on, uh... Yeah, fuck, what pump was I on? You don't know what pump you're on? Yeah, oh, no, I got the...

Why are you wasting my time? Why are you wasting my time over here? 20 on pump six, and, uh... Okay. What are you upset about? Well, I'm working here. You're wasting my time here. You're standing in front? You need to smell. Well, I'm working here. You're wasting my time here. You're standing in front of the cage.

I'm working. I'm working. I'm trying to do my job. I'm working. Pull your mask down, sweetheart. Let me see that mask. For fucking what? Please, man.

Hey, did you want Funyuns or trail mix? Yeah, I'll take Funyuns and whatchamacallit. Oh, the candy? The crisp rice Hershey bar. You know, it's a candy bar. All right. In a pack of Newports. Oh, look at her with the mask downhey bar. You know, it's a candy bar. All right. In a pack of Newports. Oh, look at her with the mask down.

All right, sweetheart. What can I... What's that say on your shirt? Whose shirt is... You wearing your boyfriend's shirt that says Vincenzo? Well, your name is Vincenzo, and that's short for what? It's Vinny, short for Vincenzo. So you're a girl, and your name is Vinny?

You should know this. I call your wife all the time. I live two blocks down the street. Whoa. Girl Vinny? She's friends with my wife. Yeah. What about like because I remember I had one girlfriend who would only let me finger her,

but she would let other guys fuck her. That was our thing. Yeah. Well, I didn't. Well, I didn't permit that. Right, but you knew. But it happened. I was thinking, like, imagine walking in on, like, some guy fucking your girlfriend.

Your sloppy seconds. And that's your card. Like, you're channeling any bit of alpha energy. You got my sloppy seconds. Yeah, you're fucking her pussy. How do my fingers feel? Yeah. Oh, you fucked her? Yeah, how do my fingers feel yeah oh you fucked her yeah how'd my hand feel on on your dick yeah like she only let you eat her pussy yeah and he's like he she only let you lick her ass and he fucks her ass and she's like yeah you yeah oh yeah how how'd my

how'd my mouth feel around your dick he He's like, he actually is offended. Oh, you fucked my girl in the ass? How'd my lips feel ripping around your dick? Shut the fuck up. No, you fucking didn't. Shut the fuck up. Shut up. Doesn't matter.

Shut up. Doesn't matter. Shut up. That's funny. Or like your school bully had just punched you in the face the day before, and you walk in and he's fisting your girlfriend. He's like, oh, you're fisting my – You tell the girl. Bitch, you're letting him fist you? How's my broken nose feel?

Yeah, how does my – yeah, how did my nose feel in your pussy? My shattered nose. My bloody nose. My deviated septum feel up in your pussy. All up in your pussy, bitch. A doctor's patient. He's like a bully doctor. He's like, oh, she deep- deep throat at you how did my uh popsicle

stick feel my tongue depressive a dentist uh oh she sucked you off how did my uh filling mouth mirror feel on your penis? How'd that feel? Yeah. How did my forceps and my latex gloves, whatever dental instruments feel? That should be enough. Send us off. How did my fluoride? Send us off. No, it should be all set. How did my uh how did my fluoride send us off like it should be all set

how did my uh good sacred motherfucking heart university school of podiatry archbishop mcdermott hall third floor how the fuck are we feeling tonight i'm gonna ask this one more motherfucking time Sacred Heart University Archbishop McDermott Hall School of Podiatry Third floor How the motherfuck Are we feeling tonight?

That's what I fucking thought Shut your mouth baby Stand and deliver Holy hand Make me a sinner Like a river Like a river deliver. Holy hand, make me a sinner. Like a river. Like a river. Like a river.

Holy hand, make me a sinner. Put your hands up. Put your hands up. Shut your mouth, baby. Stand and deliver. Holy hand, make me a sinner. Like a river. mouth, baby, stand and deliver. Come, let's go to the desert to wither Like a river, like a river Like a river Tales of an endless car

Cursed is and feelings within. Can't take the way beyond. One kiss away from killing. Don't you say it. Don't you say it. Don't say it. Don't you say it. A breath that will just bring you.

Shut your mouth and run me like a river. Shut your mouth and send and deliver. Holy hand, Lord, make me a sinner. Like a river, like a river. Shut your mouth and run me like a river, like a river, like a river, like a river Like a river Like a river Like a river Like a river

Da da Da da da da da Hey! Whoa! Hey! Whoa! Hey! Hey! Whoa! Whoa!

Like a river Like a river Like a river Like a river Like a river Thank you.