A New Untold Story - A New Untold Story: Ep. 224 - ANUS_224.mp3

Episode Date: February 5, 2021

|| A New Untold Story: Ep. 224 || The boys discuss Rough N Rowdy, busty petites, flat colossals, dying young & breaking 99-yard TDs... as well as a much-needed update on the Reggie saga!!! || Producer: Tyler GoochmanYou can find every episode of this show on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or YouTube. Prime Members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. For more, visit barstool.link/anuspodcast

Hey, A New Untold Story listeners, you can find every episode on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or YouTube. Prime members can listen to ad-free on Amazon Music. Do you remember that kid? He got, like, drunk, and he drove into, like, our homecoming parade. Yeah. He killed our class president. Yeah, just the class president. And that's why he won most likely.

Most likely what? Most likely Harvey Oswald. Yeah, I mean, there was really no other. Because we didn't have any school shooters. No. Or even like bomb threat, threaters. Freshman year. Yeah.

He wasn't like, he was a jock. He was a cool kid. Cool kid. He had to win it. Yeah. Who else would we give it to? So if there's not a death, I mean, who even wins that? It's like, it probably makes it a little bit easier on the committee that someone actually perished so that you could get to the bottom of it.

I think that the runner-up was someone who just went to Dallas for a summer. Yeah. They just stood on the X. Yeah. They just were weirdly obsessed. That was the one kid that like tripped and had to get staples in his head. Yeah, most likely. It was my favorite superlative. Most likely.... It was competitive.

That was my favorite superlative. Most likely. Oh, my God. But then there was... What was it? Old... Oldest? Oldest. Most oldest.

That was the kid in the special classes. He was... Yeah, he got... He won it four years ago. Four, yeah. The only four-time champion. He's the Michael Phelps of... No, that's a new untold story.

Hey, is that story old or told? Fuck no, baby! That's a new untold story. A new untold story. It's a fresh-baked untold story. A new untold story. And welcome back to Anus. We are joined by one Mr. Billy Football who has a big fight coming up. And boy, is he excited for it.

Billy Football, do you regret not taking steroids? Billy? Well, I'll find out tonight if I regret it. Okay. Wow, what happens tonight? This comes out on Friday. The fight's tonight. Yeah, we're talking. It just comes out on Fridays?

This must be really creepy for the people listening because Billy, he'll be dead. No, no, no. No, no, no. We're going to release this Friday night. Maybe early Saturday. Early Saturday. And, yeah.

It's going to be morbid. There is a certain appeal. It's like a true crime-type feel. I'm down to play, but I'm fucking killed. Yes. The post-mortem clicks. We're coming for Rogan while we brought you in here. We're going to dance on your grave.

No, you're going to be doing the race. You're going to get you. We're going to, yeah, we're going to dance on your grave. Yeah. No, you're going to be doing the race. You're going to be running away after having killed a man. You're going to be on the run

like Bonnie and Clyde. So, all right. Okay, just putting on this record, I did have zero intent to kill. No intent.

This is pre. I have zero intent to kill Jose. So, man, folks, you're listening to this. We don't have a Ouija board.

This is him alive. Yeah. Pre-recorded. Yeah. This is no seance. This is Ouija board. This is him alive, pre-recorded. This is no seance. This is one of his final days. If only he knew is probably what you're saying. I'm a manslaughterer. Actually, no, you can't say you're a manslaughterer because that implies premeditation.

Yeah, now you're fucked. At this point, I'll be a manslaughterer. You will be a manslaughterer. Yeah. I you're fucked. At this point, I'll be a manslaughterer. You will be a manslaughterer. Yeah. I don't know. I feel like you're still putting yourself in a dicey territory by saying you're a potential manslaughterer. I need a paralegal. Or just a lawyer.

He means like a pair of legals. I need a pair of legals right now. You need a team. At least two. At least a pair of legals. Maybe a whole fleet of legals. Owen, as I understand, you were going to become a lawyer. Mm-hmm.

What? Yeah, I applied to law school, got in. That's insane. I took the LSAT. Did you? Yeah, things took a different turn. Thank God you didn't. I passed the bar.

Well, I passed out from a bar. At a bar. From a Xanax bar. Well, also at a bar, which is more than most lawyers have done. There's a Hulk. What? Is that a slang? Green mega Xanaxes.

Yeah, it was. I'm surprised you know about Xanax. You're so lively. Shipper. Not sedated whatsoever. You won least sedated we actually did have least sedated we did but nobody ever won

it was just blank there were no others real question, Charlestown, West Virginia Charleston I almost made that mistake what's it like? is it town? I almost made that mistake. What's it like? Is it town?

Does it matter? There's a massive Chili's. It's like an indoor-outdoor. I've been to that Chili's before. When I beat the shit out of Jose Canseco, I got $100,000 in my pocket. That is insane. Have you busted?

Dude, are you in solidarity for fight week yes I've been Nick doesn't bust thousands of people on the internet who are not nutting

with me in solidarity I'm not I promise you they're nutting no they're not no I actually know they are no they're all

just nutting they've been sending Owen samples of their nut to just confirm it. You'll see. When Billy wins and they all send in their cum tributes, just a sopping wet printout of Billy.

Just have people just nut on the envelope for you. Just seal it up. You think they cum? That's gross. But Mike Tyson said that he would fuck before fights because it was distracting to just think about his nut. Like he needed to get his homeostasis right and fucking get back to neutral. So he had to make sure that he was coming. What does Mike Tyson know?

Tyson Fury nutted seven times a day up to his fight. See, a lot of people thought that I was fucking before my wrestling matches. Why did they think that? Uncommon misconception. Yeah? Was it you were just ragingly hard

during the matches or what was the thing? No. So Billy, you're not you're holding off on coming? I'm going. The opposite of coming. So do you think if you have a wet dream on the drive...

Dude, that would legitimately suck. Yeah. Like, goddammit. Yeah, all of this. Why would I save this up for? You can wake him up, fight day. Yeah. Come everywhere.

Yeah. What if he punches you so hard you cum? What if he knocks the cum out of you? It's like that scene with the horse head in the bed. You wake up and you're... No! Cum! It's like that scene with the horse head in the bed. You wake up and you're, no! Come! Imagine the first wet dreams.

You in your own head right now about coming? No. What were the first wet dreams? I'm going to send you porn links. Like pictures of stick figures. Just really good videos. I'm trying to make this man crack I think the first wet dreams

Must have been Like the guy must have been Suspicious probably Like he probably thought Someone jerked him off In his sleep Like there's no way There's no other explanation

That if he's been Making himself cum All these years Fucking touching his penis To cum And then his penis Just cums of its own volition In the middle of the night

It is I mean in a way You're getting raped By figments of its own volition in the middle of the night. It is. I mean, in a way, you're getting raped by figments of your own imagination. He's raped by your brain, man. Yeah, your imagination is raping you. That's how none of you pussies knew

what that shit stood for. Y'all ever done any gay shit? I was thinking. Any gay shit? Billy? Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh fuck.

Yeah, I'm all ready. His eyebrows just quivered. If you haven't kissed a boy, I think you are gay. If you haven't just kissed one of your boys. Exactly. Locker room. Just with your dudes. Yeah, exactly.

It's gay if you haven't. If you haven't kissed one of your boys, you're gay. Billy, you ever wrap your shaft around your balls so it looks like a hamburger? What kind of elasticity are you working with with your shaft? I have. My shit would snap if I tried something like that. I have zero malleability. Yeah, mine would splinter.

Penally. Penal malleability. No phallic malleability. Women look for that in a partner. You know silly putty? You know how silly putty is a very unique mass? Yeah. It can stretch.

Any putty, really. It doesn't matter. It's demeanor. It can stretch but also snap. Yeah, if you pull it faster, it can stretch any putty really yeah it doesn't matter it's demeanor it can stretch but also snap right yeah if you pull it faster it can break that is interesting it's an interesting matter i like silly what's the follow-up point to this it's like a penis is like that is what's your yeah you could rip it clean off or stretch it for miles or press it against a newspaper if you're very gentle with it i mean yeah my dick's like silly putty because i press it against a newspaper. If you're very gentle with it. Yeah, my dick's like silly putty because I press it against a newspaper. It's prehensile.

I have a prehensile penis. You can move it? Yep. Like a monkey's tail. Flatten it out. You can look at Family Circus on it in reverse. You can read Peanuts on his dick. I always like to surprise my girl with a little foxtrot.

She has to look at it in the mirror, but she gets the gist of it. The news was tough to swallow tonight. If you can't not leading up to this fight, neither can he. I'm actually planning on studying him out one time before I neuter him. So he doesn't go to his grave without... Dogs know when their owner just failed miserably and then went home to them. Yes, definitely. Will he be able to sense defeat?

They'll shoulder the guilt. Or who's a felon? Jerry Sandusky, did he go home to his pupper and the pupper licking his palm? Again, Gerald? He just tastes young. Yeah, I think that they know, but I think the dogs are so fucking stupid that they just fucking will suck up to a criminal.

It's like, dog, where is your moral compass that you're still loyal to Jerry Sandusky? Dogs don't cancel people. Exactly, that's their problem. Yeah, that is their problem. They have no sense of cancel culture. Dog owners are going to be pissed off about this, but it's like... I can't bet you a dog, someone just got sentenced to life in jail for rape, comes home, and the dog...

So excited. The dog wouldn't lick him in the face, would he? Or who is the girl, the woman that killed her daughter? Amanda Knox or something like that? Casey Anthony. Casey Anthony. her daughter, Amanda Knox or something like that? No, Casey Anthony. Do you think Casey Anthony's dog was

even more happy, relieved that now it didn't have to compete? It's finally getting attention. It's like the most relieved dog. She's like a good looking woman. So you know guys walking their dogs would be like, wow, he really likes you. He's a good

judge of character. It's a dog. It likes anything. Casey Anthony's first dog walk. She had a bunch of bones on her. Oh my god. We were just saying how dogs are awful judge of character. Jerry Sandusky's dog loved him. Yeah, they're shitheads.

Like on that walk, she'd probably have to be like, this is my dog, careful, he doesn't like kids. Not friendly, not friendly. He's got to wear a fucking vest around An orange vest Cosby's dog Hated him though Did he? I think he did You think Michael Vick's dog

He was a racist He was a racist dog There's a lot of those I thought the dog was racist Yeah yeah yeah I was trying to Yeah You think Vick's dog

Liked him? Loved Oh loved Yeah Stockholm syndrome Yeah One of those like Strict parents You wanted a parent You think Vic's dogs liked him? Loved. Oh, loved. Yeah. Stockholm Syndrome. One of those strict parents. They wanted a pet coach. They felt extra special.

They were like, yeah, hell yeah. They were probably crying. It was like Todd Marinovich's dad. They were just very happy that they'd been so tough. They owe him everything of their success to this day. I hate when people have a dog voice. Which isn't a thing. Dogs don't have voices. Dogs never had them. Oh, but hate when people have a dog voice. Which isn't a thing. Dogs don't have voices.

Dogs never had them. Oh, but you definitely have done a dog voice. What is the dog voice? Is it similar to a baby voice? Hello. Hi. We don't deserve dogs. We do.

No, yeah. We made them. We domesticated them for thousands of years. What did we do to deserve dogs? Read a book. Yeah. A lot. Everything.

We did so much to deserve them. They were wolves. Yeah. Now you can bring them into the office and name them after brunch drinks. Billy, do your ghost Billy voice. Yeah. Yeah. Uh-huh.

Billy, do your ghost Billy voice. Woo. Yeah. But make it like... By the way, I'm going to haunt the shit out of you. Yeah, we're fucked. You guys. Please don't haunt me. Jeff, whenever he's talking, can you add like a creaky floorboard or...

Dude, I'm going to haunt the shit out of you guys. An organ. No, like all of you. All of you. Did you guys just hear that? I'm saying you're going to kill the guy. Yeah. And if you're listening to this and laughing right now, I will haunt you too.

Because when you're a ghost, you can multiply. This is going to be just as morbid if you kill him. This is the Anus Podcast. We have a full crew. I'm here with KB No Swag Owen. I'm here with Roan, myself, a cold breeze, and PFT Commenter. I'm going to be breezing in your briefs. And you're going to be like, what?

A single curtain flapping in the wind. Yeah, exactly. Smells like Billy Football. We're just going to hear monster energy drinks banging into each other.

It's poetic. A single breeze is what could take you down. Could make you numb. No, no, no. Don't say that. Don't say that. Beat Owen's ass

just for practice. No. Just to keep you honest. Just for practice. Just to keep you honest. Just for practice. Who are you going to haunt the hardest? Probably KB. What the fuck? Why would you haunt KB?

Nick's a guy like me. Nick's been nice to me. I'm just off-putting. No, I'm not mean. I'm just off-putting. But that could be misconstrued, though. That could be misconstrued as being a nasty guy. No, it often is.

Haunting your GNC. There's like scoopers floating around. I only get my supplements from bulk supplements.com. There's just a track of footprints and creatine. Somebody's looking up at the branch chain amino acids aisle, and then one just falls into their basket. That's the right one. We're in like a,

just a dark, creaky floor GNC. Like a shaker ball rolls towards us. Weights start lifting themselves. Oh. What are your animals going to do if you die?

I actually have been thinking about writing a will. You have to take care of them. Jesus Christ. I was actually going to ask you this on Thursday's show. We can write you a will. No, no. I was just going to make, will you to take care of it. Jesus Christ. I was actually going to ask you this on Thursday's show. We can write you a will. No, no.

I was just going to make... Will you guys take care of my frogs? The ones that you fucked? No, the three. My three frogs. Did you fuck... Which one did you fuck? I'll take care of the ones...

Zero. If you talk about the reticulated albinos... I have some reticulated albinos. You haven't fucked any of the frogs in weeks. No. What? Billy hasn't been nutting. It's no nut.

Are they even albino anymore? I don't know, man. Do you think that a human could nut farther than the longest human could jump? Do you think that if, you know how when you hold your thumb over a hose a certain way, it will spray way harder? Do you think that there's a way that you could

pressurize your penis? Are you talking like standing broad jump? Because yes, running long jump, no chance. Because that's like 20 some feet, right? What if you're running and then you nut? Oh yeah. So that's how you get that thing launched. Maybe do a back flip.

Do you think you could nut full sprint? Have you not? No. I think full sprint? Have you not? No. I think full sprint would be very tough to do. I think the start of a sprint you could do because if you get a nut, you know that it's coming. Then you take off and there's no turning back. That's a good strategy if you're behind somebody at the end of a marathon. You nut on the finish line.

Go ahead, run through it. It's drenched in my cum. Why don't you just touch that with your toe? You really want to touch my cum? Congrats. Look at him sprinting to my cum. Look how bad he wanted my quad. I finished first.

I'm going to clap to signal myself to cut this. I've came in my own eyeball before. Who hasn't? Hey hey everybody before we begin the rest of this reggie saga say it's like jeff d segment saga hey guys jeff d low one of 10 new untold story producers here just want to bring you the news that before we get into the continuing saga of reggie and everything that's involved with this character and this story and this this untold story universe that unfortunately because of some special effects that we had to add to today's episode, we needed to take on a few more clients, a few more ad reads.

They're not very invasive. You won't potentially notice them. The Genesis? It was 2004? Four to seven, maybe. It was BP was 2004 4 to 7 It was BP BP BP

Yeah and we're not talking Petroleum Yeah not No Busty Petites Oh not batting practice We've said this before We've talked about Busty Petites a lot Often

Yeah They were the rage Yeah Yeah All of it Yeah If you were coming It was to a Busty Petite

People just went crazy It was just like Throughout time We go through different Body types Yeah. If you were coming, it was to a Busty Petite. People just went crazy. It was just like throughout time we go through different body types that are super in vogue. Yeah. So right before that was BS nude, like just fake. Yes. Fake Photoshop pictures. Pam Anderson ass. Not fake, but like manipulated.

Yeah, right, right. Fake. And then like back in the day, Marilyn Monroe, Twiggy after that, then BP's, Busty Petites. Banana. My first hundred nuts were to Busty Petites. And you told me that often. You can call your- Or were they from Busty Petites?

No. No, you're thinking of me. Yeah, I am thinking of you. You're thinking of me, and yours was two. Mine were two. I would bust two. You would bust from. That's actually- The Roan would bust on. two. You would bust from. That's actually –

The Roan would bust on. I would bust on. That's a lie. But that's good brand loyalty on your part that all hundred of them, you were just strict with yourself. No, I wasn't. That was the only type of woman I thought existed. Oh, it's all you could come to. The Busty Petite.

I was only exposed to the Madison Ivies of the world. Yeah, classic Busty Petite. Nick. And then? Textbook Busty Petites. I was only exposed to the Madison Ivies of the world. And that's, yeah, classic Busty Petite. Nick, and then? Textbook Busty Petite. And then there was a shift. A seismic shift. Yeah, that's the correct way to put it. Continental.

Yeah, big time. Yes, tectonic plates. Tectonic plates. And that's when we got to FCs. FCs. And Kyle, explain the catalyst for the FC movement. The Flat Colossals became all the rage sexually for men. Flat Colossals.

Yeah, Flat Colossals. Oh, wow. Okay. Tall, large, flat. Flat Colossals. I think it was when Griner got drafted to the Phoenix Mercury. Yeah, yeah. Brittany Griner.

Yeah, it was an original Flat Colossal. And that was the move. Well, he was the new it girl. You could have turned on sports center without her fucking flaunting her stuff. And it just, I think a lot of young boys like you guys, like us,

we all want it to dunk and we all want it to have sex. Right. He embodied both characteristics. That's exactly because the M1 mixtape tour was massive at that time, but also so was puberty. And I'll be, I'll be the first to admit at first it was confusing To me Yeah it definitely was

We were so young You may at first glance just be like this is vile Hard to look at disgusting This is like jerking off to a refrigerator Yeah Well they're chested out like men And then you realize that's exactly what it was That is exactly what it was.

And every time I walk past the old Frigidaire, I would, I would run to my room. Condition yourself. It was a Pavlovian response. Right. You could have looked at a monolith

without getting super fucking boned up. That's exactly right. My first girl, my first FC, Chelsea FC, was, she was built like a monolith. Ironically,

or coincidentally, gave me mono, and she had a lift. She had a lift. All of my hickeys were asymmetrical. They looked like puzzle pieces. Yeah, they did. And I don't know how she did it. She was a craftswoman, but an original FC. And it put some people out of jobs.

Mia Khalifa. Mia Khalifa was the rage, and then it became girls who looked like the Burj Khalifa. I had a fathead of Jane Lynch on my room. Yeah. A lot of athletes. People would look back at old Lisa Leslie, Cheryl Swoops days, and it's like Rebecca Lobo was ahead of her time. Fuck. Because she wasn't appreciated.

No one knew that Rebecca Lobo was really putting in time like that. And then you'd see young girls trying to train their body to look like that for these unrealistic body standards because all guys want is – They wouldn't even bend down because they didn't want – they're in fear of doing a squat. Right, yeah. They wouldn't pick anything up. Right, at all. They would just fully bend down because they didn't want – they're in fear of doing a squat. Right, yeah. They wouldn't pick anything up. Right, at all. They would just fully bend at the waist if anything. And I think we were getting ready for, well, what's next? What's going to be the next body standard?

And then obviously with the Game of Thrones, Brienne of Tarth just cemented that FCs are here to stay. That's the reason the show is so popular. And then you'd see like how like women of yore in Asia used to wrap their feet to make their feet tiny to keep up with the beauty standards. Women were mummifying their chests just to hope for some modicum of flat colossalness. It's just the dream. And I prefer a natural colossal. I go straight to the Amazon and I pluck her. You want her to be indistinguishable from the trees that she's living on. That's exactly right. colossal. I go straight to the Amazon and I pluck her.

You want her to be indistinguishable from the trees that she's living on. That's exactly right. I want a sequoia bed. You need that. Fuck a redwood. My girl used to take her spring breaks in a sarcophagus. Right. You want her to lay down and look

like a diving board. I remember Sojourney Weaver. Is that how you say her name? She was so close. I remember watching her in lay down and look like a diving board. I remember Sojourny Weaver. Is that how you say her name? She was so close. I remember watching her in holes in Alien. I was like, you're so close. I would send her fan mail. Oh, I watched holes 40, 50 times. 40 to 50.

You just wish you'd let her. I begged her to get a breast reduction. I watched hole. I wanted, I just wanted one. Keeping your eye on it. But then she was just two mounds away from being the perfect whole. She was too dumper heavy. You wish that she would just let her gluteus maximus atrophy a little bit,

a little more inactivity in her life just so she can flatten out a little bit. Kyle, I don't know if you're comfortable with saying, but you had written some fan mail. To Sojourny. Yeah. Yeah. Long, long-winded fan mail. Brother, love you to written some fan mail to Sojourney. Yeah. Long-winded fan mail. Brother, love you to death. Sojourney. I asked immediately.

I said, Sojourney. Is that how you say it? I mean, Sojourney is a thing, but that's not what she's on. I was thinking of Miss Truth. She had potential. truth. She had potential. Sigourney Truth.

You wrote her fan mail. I was going to say, I don't know. She's tall and has tits. I was going to be like, lose your tits. That was the basis. That could probably come off as hate mail if she didn't realize that it's like... No, you made it clear. With the unrealistic

body standards of these women just looking like the fucking door of a church. It's like you can't... It was out with the hourglass and with the measuring cylinders. Yeah, that's a test tube. Granulated cylinder. Not graduated? Graduated.

Galangular cylinder. What the fuck? My shirt shirt, your shirt's all rattled and shattered. Why is your shirt? Yours is in pieces. Mine's good as new. How's that possible? I don't know. I feel even more comfortable than I did before the crash. How did you get that shirt? I don't know. I feel even more comfortable than I did before the crash. How did you get that shirt?

I have no idea. That shirt looks like it's built for value. You're getting comfortable and made to last shirts and pants. Where's that from? How's your shirt not broken? I got this from Bear Bottom. I told you. It's the most versatile, comfortable, and wearable shirt you can fucking get on the market. That's always been your go-to. Yes.

It should be yours. Wait a minute. Why the fuck? Where's your band? You had to have paid a premium price for that. No, no. Is that the tech tee? Yes, it's the tech tee. Well, do you mind if I feel that?

Yes, it's moisture wicking. You love moisture wicking. Oh, this is, this has stretch. You'll actually love this and wear it all day. This is their flagship cotton and spandex. Yes, I told you this. What a blend. I'm just glad I feel comfortable and I'm dressed.

Your shirt's practically off your body. You have to get that online? How much is shipping? What the fuck? What kind of question is that? It's free. Go to barebottomclothing.com. It's B-E-A-R.

That's B-E-A-R, like the animal bottom clothing, dot com, and use code ANUS. That's A-N-U-S. Yada, yada, yada. Get free shipping on your first order. Free shipping. That's a good deal, but let's get back to this. Yeah, we gotta fucking get back to this chase. Let's get to that Chevy Silverado.

That is a Chevy Silverado. That's a JD Motor Trend Truck of the Year. Sat in a wood, safety ratings up the wazoo. I would much rather run a little bit further to drive that than run right here to drive that piece of shit motherfucking Toyota Tacoma. Now that I think about it, that would be the safer, better bet. Let's run over there to that one. Get out that bazooka. All right, let me...

Got my bazooka. Steady, steady, steady. All right, take your shot. You just hit that Dunkin' Donuts. I wanted to get there and try their new Southwest Veggie Power Breakfast Sandwich. You're never going to get the Southwest Power Veggie Breakfast Sandwich. It's just a pile of rubble now. That sandwich is unbelievable.

Yes, it's meatless, but the flavor is all there. I used to make fun of you for leading a vegetarian lifestyle, but now I can't. The taste isn't sacrificing the veggie power sandwich! God damn it! Parada work. Yeah, they're gonna have to fucking get whole new jobs, make resumes, portfolios, the whole nine... Yeah, but that may be easier than you think with Squarespace.com

now. Are you kidding me? That's gonna help them? Yeah, of course. They don't even have to know how to code. Fuck yeah. With Squarespace's simple interface, they could drag and drop and build stores. I gotta get my mind off this. I'm plugging in YouTube. What are you plugging in YouTube for?

Putting it on the Ox. I don't know. I gotta listen to something. Would you rather a guy last 30 seconds or one hour? What the fuck is this broad talking about? Was she answering sex questions on the internet? The fuck he talking about her nipples popping out, getting me all riled up. The fuck is that?

Vin Diesel with a pussy? You gotta punch it. Yeah, turn that off. We gotta knock Reggie off. We're on his tail. We gotta knock Reggie off the road. Don't worry about my daughter. I raised her right.

She's a tough cookie. Are you sure about this? I'm positive. You know who was on that early? Who was the one who fucking... Was that Joel? Billy Joel? Only the Good that early? Who was the one who fucking... Was that Joel? Billy Joel? Only the Good Die Young?

He was. Yeah, he convinced me that as a Christian it was bad news. Premature death is that shit, though. Jesus was 33, but I don't think that was that young at the time. No, he was... Oh shit, he was still alive? Let's get the boy out to pasture. 33 is

also a geezer in Wheeling, West Virginia. Yes. Yeah. That's for a different reason, though. That's O-C's, not J-C's. Wait, what? Oxycodone. Oh. B-C. He was born in in i don't know fuck you dude i was workshopping i was in the middle of workshopping we're live he turned uh he turned one oxycontin pill into oxycontin pills for everyone my homie was a drug dealer

but he got double crossedcrossed. Jesus. They needed two for you? The drug deal gone bad. I got crossed. You got double-crossed? Wow. Must have been hard to kill. What shape does that have to be to be double-crossed? An H?

I think a swastika. Wasn't there someone in the bible who got uh crucified upside down peter dude he got fucked lamar autumn and gamora i don't know yeah we'll just change the pronunciation yeah we can do that we have we can afford to do that we have a lot of Yeah, we can do that. We can afford to do that. We have a lot of leeway.

Just more like Jesus was. Well, I mean, people back home die and come back all the time. All the time. Briefly, like throughout the. My one homie has been resurrected like that. Dude, yeah. Nine times. Huntington, West Virginia leads the world in resurrection.

First it's Jerusalem with one. No, Lazarus. And then it's Huntington. They had Lazarus and Jesus. Lazarus and Jesus. So they used to lead the world with one. And then Huntington, West Virginia rolls along. It was like Wilt Chamberlain. It's like, how are you putting up stats like that?

This is unbelievable. We have to change the rules. The Wilt Chamberlain of resurrection. A bunch of stigmatas. In the history of human life. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Stigmata of the fold of the arm. In the same vein as an arm.

No, I mean, just Huntington, West Virginia has brought up the average of the amount of times a person dies by like 0.5 in human history. The average person dies one and a half times now. Yeah, deaths have skyrocketed. Yeah, that is true. Like the average person, yeah. Not deaths times now. Yeah, deaths have skyrocketed. Yeah, that is true. Like the average person, yeah. Not deaths per capita, deaths per person. Yeah. 1.2.

It's raising the chances that any of us are going to come back to life. Like there's a decent chance that one of us will come back to life, especially because you guys are coming from West Virginia. Yeah. It's statistic, mathematical. Half of everyone from West Virginia comes back from their first death. Yes. Huntington's on pace to give us a second life's statistic, mathematical. Half of everyone from West Virginia comes back from their first death. Yes. Huntington's on pace

to give us a second life, mathematically, yeah. In Huntington, West Virginia, obituaries are like a series. For the next season on obituaries. You loved him. Dave,

Dave McCoy, part two. Yes. No, obituaries have sequels and trilogy have you read the Wayne trilogy the first one

kind of was like he's bad yeah poor cats out in West Virginia fucking having nine lives thinking that

they're the shit yeah then their owners come back a cool fucking 18 yeah bro I had the craziest night fucking died Our owners come back. A cool fucking 18.

Bro, I had the craziest night. Fucking died. I fucking went out. We started drinking at 3 p.m. I fucking, I literally fucking die by 3.30. I was like, you have to try it. I come back. I was like, that was fucking Jesus, dude.

Dude, you were fucked up last night, dude. You were a zombie. I was blacked out. I was like, that was fucking Jesus, dude. Dude, you were fucked up last night, dude. You were a zombie. I was blacked out. I was like, I think I died. He's like, yeah, you did, motherfucker. But then there's some hipsters who are like, it's not that great. Dying's not that sweet. Yeah.

People think The Walking Dead is just about a mass murdering cop. The fuck? They're killing all those people that look just like me. Forest Rumproast. Miles Teller. Eat. Digest. How to eat a guy in ten days. Ingest.

Write that down. Hurry. Save. Hurry. Hurry the fuck up. Low, low, low. How to eat a guy in ten days. That's what it was.

Ingest. Jest. Have we done how to lose a guy in ten days? Crazy tasting Asians. You could just use rich. I'm going to lose it Literally a synonym for tasty Oh my god He don't miss Oh, my God. Oh, fuck.

He don't miss. Daughter, I'm coming for yous! Oh. Oh. Oh, yeah. Your dead is new. Yeah, yeah. You're dead as new. Yeah, yeah, this is undeniably a corpse and not my living daughter. You're a corpse. You're dead now.

Fuck, this is... This is really inconvenient, but we need Reggie! Get Reggie! Detective! You gotta get Reggie! Other detective, bad news. I have bad news too. You go first. There's no sign of Reggie, not a trace.

I've seen you dribble a basketball between your legs. It was super impressive. And then I asked you to do it again and you wouldn't. So I'm still in the dark over whether you have multiple sports talents or if you just ironically learned how to dribble like the professor from – I know where he's going with this, and I'm begging you to stop while you're ahead. I had the game-winning touchdown. We were already winning by 42.

It put us over by 48. Yes. Homecoming game, so it was the packed house. It was the largest crowd that we've ever had during that season. Closing minutes. Closing seconds. Are you serious?

That was the first time you ever went into the game, Kyle. That makes it more impressive. 99-yard touchdown to seal us the 48-point victory on homecoming night. The very next day, I danced with the queen. How easy was that? The homecoming queen? The homecoming queen? I blew past everyone.

No one even touched me. Are you fucking kidding me? And then I danced with the hottest girl in the school. Why did you just kill yourself afterwards? That's incredible. The next fucking night. What, Nick? Can I relive the hottest girl in the school. Why didn't you just kill yourself afterwards? That's incredible. The next fucking night. What, Nick? Can I relive the glory days?

You brag about your accomplishments. Did it feel like nobody was trying to tackle you? Did it feel like a... It was almost like that. Oh, no. I blew... There was a sweep, and I just blew by the cornerback, the defenders. You even dropped the ball.

I know. I did fumble, but I recovered it and then ran it right into the end zone. Oh, no. No one was fast enough to catch me. No, because a similar thing happened in my high school with the manager of the basketball team. No, no, me and him but you both had big big um you guys both had big games that day he scored uh you each had one play one touchdown that game huh

uh-huh we were we had the best average dude but i think that uh and we were little guys yeah you guys i mean you talked about it in class the next day yeah to each other yeah your touchdown, that was to win? To win by 48. All the better. We had cookie cakes the next day in class. Well, I did. They went crazy.

It was on the news. I had like multiple segments. Yeah, that's what happened with my kid. They like went crazy. The whole crowd went crazy. Berserk. But was the other kid, was he the equipment manager of the team too? Austin?

Yeah.