A New Untold Story - A New Untold Story: Ep. 226 - Obesímo

Episode Date: February 19, 2021

|| A New Untold Story: Ep. 226 || The boys discuss escaping the cubes & a particular overweight mid-2000's pop-punk fan... ft. a new Jeff D segment & of course an update on the Reggie saga!!! || Producer: Tyler GoochmanYou can find every episode of this show on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or YouTube. Prime Members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. For more, visit barstool.link/anuspodcast

Hey, A New Untold Story listeners, you can find every episode on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or YouTube. Prime members can listen to ad-free on Amazon Music. Alright, uh, this is a new thing we're trying. Jeff walks in, and he's here now. And, uh, Owen is standing there covering up a whiteboard. We have a bunch of names, made-up names on the whiteboard. Jeff is going to do a Saturday Night Live intro for them. As if they were performing. As if they going to do a Saturday Night Live intro for them. As if they were performing. As if they were cast members of Saturday Night Live.

Yeah. So, that's all it is. Jeff, take it away. These are real people who we think deserve a shot at SNL. They're the funniest people we know. They're under the radar. Here we go. It's Untold Night Live. Starring Penis Raphael.

Sethi N-Word. Wait, what? I feel like I should redo that one. How do you pronounce that? No, you pronounced that so ignorantly. You just whitewashed it. It's French. It's...

It's sauté and wa. Okay. Okay. S-A-I-T-H-E-E-N-W-A-R-D. Sauté and wa. Eerie fuse. Gay sex man. Fritz Cum Bubbles

M-Turd Featuring Featuring David Blattman Pube Ali Musical Guest Taint Lauren And your host Wayne Wayne Ali, musical guest, Taint Lauren, and your host,

Wayne Wayne. Ladies and gentlemen, Wayne Wayne. That's my favorite. It's my favorite voice to do. I don't know what I'm going to say. No, you're just going to say, like, no, that's a new untold story. Hey, is that story old or told? No, baby!

That's a new untold story. A new untold story. It's a fresh, big, untold story. No, I'm going to stay up. It hasn't quit. It's been beeping at the same pace for hours. Just fall asleep. You're fine.

I'll keep driving. Your daughter. You just buried your daughter. Fall asleep. Come here. Let me just... Five seconds. You're fine. I'll keep driving. Your daughter, you just buried your daughter. Fall asleep. Come here. Let me just... Five seconds. Oh, yeah. Oh, what in the goddamn motherfuckers' head?

Bad news, motherfucker. The fuck am I in hell? Yeah, kind of. What the fuck do you mean, kind of? Am I dead or fucking what? It's a demonic dream state. Are you fucking kidding me with's a demonic dream state. Are you fucking kidding me with this shit? I'm just trying to fucking get some rest.

My fucking fifth daughter just died. I don't think so. This is the descent of anxiety on your ass. God damn it. Just fucking... Are you kidding me right now? Let me just fucking... Show some respect. Can you fucking leave me alone?

Show some respect. What the fuck are you... Are you a demon? I'm a demon. I fucking... You told me the first time. I just, what the, I can't process this. I'm just telling you. Can I fall asleep for fucking five seconds?

Yeah, all right, get a little sleep. Psych bitch, wake the fuck up. Are you fucking, what the fuck are you doing with this? Wake the fuck up. What the fuck are you pulling my fucking leg for? No, no, remember that thing a long time ago that you did wrong? Yeah, think about that, motherfucker. What the fuck could you possibly be talking about here?

The fuck I'm trying to take a fucking nap on the fucking... I'm fucking wrong. Very great. Ashley DeVico saw your nuts. Oh, fuck. Oh, I'm sorry. You were still in a deep sleep. You're sweating bullets.

You know, you wouldn't fucking believe what just happened to me. You were in a deep sleep. You're sweating bullets. You know, you wouldn't fucking believe what just happened to me. You fell asleep. Yeah, a fucking demon started talking to me. Talking about third grade Ashley DeVico. What does that even mean? Yeah, don't worry about it. I'm just... What the fuck?

Did you hear the demon? No, you were fast asleep. That's like it was loud as shit. Wait, shut up, shut up. Is this beeping faster? Oh, we gotta head this direction. Which way is it? Bear right, bear right. That's the exit for untold state. The college? Yes. Well, Reggie got a full ride. All right, let's check it out. You never had an emo phase, did you? You always hung around with that. You dated an emo girl. What?

Everyone did. No, but you dated the emo girl. She was fat. Oh. How does that earn her the title the emo girl? She had a reason to be sad. How fat was she? She wasn't fat.

Yes, she was. Grace? Don't bring this up. We called her Three Days Grace. Not because that was an emo band. They weren't. It's because that was like her life expectancy at any given time. Stop.

All right. Pain. Was that what that is? No. She wasn't that. She was fine. No, that was Jimmy Eat World. She was jealous of them, too.

She wanted to eat world. No, she wasn't. She was fine. No, that was Jimmy Eat World. She was jealous of them, too. She wanted to eat world. I feel like you're reaching a territory where we cannot touch upon with grace. Did you ever go to the mall with her? You would always go walk around the mall with her and the other emo kids. Our first date was at the mall. She didn't have the stamina to walk all the way around the mall, so she had to just go from bench to bench. Yeah, well, they were comfortable benches at the time. They weren't for you because she sat in them and they bowed towards the middle.

The slightest of divots. You could see where she was. Anyone could have caused that crater. Yeah, you would always go with her. We said you two went on warped tour. Okay. Well, that's why our second date was at the airport. The Primanti brothers at the Pittsburgh airport.

Yeah, what did you do there? Well, she could utilize the walking belt to go to Cinnabon for dessert. But, yeah, it was... Her... She was... I mean, she was pretty emo. Black nail polish, black everything. Skinny jeans, the whole nine.

No, her mom and dad were both obese. She did not have any skinny jeans. Size six. Boot cut skinny jeans on her, yeah. Did she have cut marks? She cut our friend Mark Kenneman in line at the cafeteria like every day for some Bosco sticks. No, she wore black head and toe, which is supposed to be slimming, but she looked like an eclipse. She had the weight of a Mitsubishi eclipse.

I really hope she's not listening because you're doing a joke. She was actually slender. She was not slim. We went to the real Warped Tour together. We saw Killswitch and Gage. Who else? Paramore at one of the stages. They threw full cans of Monster at us, like the Beast cans.

And we were chugging them. Her chemical romance was salt and vinegar, Lay's chips. Okay. I need this. well didn't she she refused to go see taking back sunday when they were there because a reminder of when like a waiter don't say it was a traumatic experience no no it was one time ma'am we're gonna need that ice cream no no no this is not true it was was one time. It was at Dairy Queen. They gave her lukewarm fudge. It wasn't hot enough. I agreed.

I tasted it first. And we usually ate healthy. We would go to Panera Bread. How much do you think she ate? I cannot reiterate this enough. She was not my girlfriend. She was a side chick at best. You went to the disco with her.

There was panic at the disco. There was actual panic. It was three floors high. Yeah, it was on an elevated platform. Okay. No, no. She ate healthy. She was slender.

You're making fun of her. Her parents are going to listen. No, they're dead. But she will listen. And Grace, we're being irony boys. We would go to Panera together. She's not listening to you. Uh-huh. I miss her.

Three days, Grace. She's fine. She's healthy. She works out at Blink Fitness. Yeah, her goal weight. Yeah, she's trying to get to her goal weight what is it was it 182 is her goal weight her current weight's 303 uh fuck owen i need a baguette right now i'm eating this all right no no no she would she would have my mac and cheese Yeah she was your side chick

She was always having mashed potatoes I just got done saying that I would get the two for two You were like nah this is my side chick And we were just like oh who's your main You're like what I'm eating She finishes my mashed potatoes and slaw

God We can't bring up anyone anymore She finishes my mashed potatoes and slaw. God. We can't bring up anyone anymore. We used her actual name, too. We did. I'm going to text her right now. Like, that was... You're not going to listen, but if you do, if someone tells you, it's... You are so skinny, girl.

So skinny. Thanks for the Malamars. That was her, yeah. Because they did omit the vowels. Yeah, for the memories. The mammaries. She had big breasts. She had a small frame.

She got a lot of free food. She worked at the deli counter. I'm begging you. What is it going to be? She bragged about how she met the used at the deli counter. The used? And then we figured out that she just mixed up her words. I'm going to hate this so much.

She used to work at the deli counter. That's where she met the used. I said that. She waited on the used. She waited on the used. Okay. She waited on the used at a restaurant the deli counter. That's where she met the ewes. I said that. She waited on the ewes. She waited on the ewes. Okay. She waited on the ewes at a restaurant that she worked for. And then we found out that was a lie.

She jumbled the words. It was actually that she did. That's a characteristic of fat people, common flub. They jumble words because they're so fucking fat. She didn't wait on the ewes. She was used as a weight on the end of a trebuchet. At the Renaissance Fair in Moundsville. No, no, no.

She was an emergency counterweight. Scenes in an Italian restaurant was when her and her friends went to Olive Garden. Yeah, she was always in Italian restaurants. Well, I was nice. Of course she liked me. She had a type. Yeah, two. Nah, I had some buddies that went there.

I had buddies. The broads there. Top notch. Top notch. If I ever seen them. All right, let's get out and we'll just walk around campus. Look, there's a tour going on. Why don't we just hop in?

Let's jump in this tour group. And we're walking. We're walking. Look, there's a tour going on. Why don't we just hop in? Let's jump in this tour group. And we're walking. We're walking. Okay, gang. And if you look on the left, it's Physics North, where some of the greatest minds of our lifetime were just inside there. One of them being John Nash was doing his equations right there. And that could be you. That could be you, young man. How does that sound?

Does that sound exciting? Who the fuck are you? Why is he looking at you? He's looking at me. He's looking right at you. He's looking at me. I'm fucking, I'm 41. Okay, we're walking along.

We are walking along, and up here, if you look just past these maple trees, is the field house, the Smith's Field House. And in there is where some of our best running tracks are. And you can buy some athletic apparel. It's beeping faster. Yeah. Keep going. Act natural.

Keep going. Let's go in the Fields House. Okay. And if you come down here, you can see some of our nice bocce courts. And you're just going to love playing here. And can see some of our nice bocce courts. And you're just going to love playing here. And there's some squash, some indoor tennis. And you can even buy some t-shirts down here.

Well, what kind of shirt do you have on right there? What type of fabric is that right there that you have? Why are you asking? It's in perfectly good shape. It's not broken whatsoever. Yeah, that's your most versatile, comfortable shirt. You wear it almost every day. Every single motherfucking day. It's just a clothing for a guy.

Nothing special about it except the adventure-tested fabrics. You may think you paid for a premium price. What was that clown asking about it for? What do you want to know about it? What's next? You want to ask about my stretch joggers? I just like the t-shirt. I didn't realize that this was going to be such a thing. No, why don't you get over here and feel the flagship cotton spandex fabric blend.

Yeah, I'll give it a tug. It's insanely soft, isn't it? Wow. What is this blend? What is this blend? It's the moisture-wicking tech tea. Oh, my God. What kind of percentages is this?

I don't know. 60-40? It's built for value, I can tell you that. Why don't you try to break it, smart guy? I'm going to try and... You can run it over with a van if you have a van. I'm surprised you don't have one. Over 100,000 customers love the bare bottoms every day.

Yeah, my van's not doing anything as I run it over. You're currently trying to run it over. Yeah, yeah. It didn't shatter at all. Yeah. Do you like charity? I love charity. Well, Bare Bottom has donated over 100k

shorts to children in need through their One For You, One For Them program. And for a limited time, they're switching things up and they'll donate a protective mask to a first responder teacher or someone in need. Look at that girl over there with her mask down. Fucking teeth popping out.

Lips fucking out. How about you get to her? Why don't you go tell her about the free shipping you can get on the shirt? She's letting that whole philtrum breathe. Super comfortable threads from barebottomclothing.com. Go tell her the promo code. I'm going to run over to her. Why don't you tell her what's the promo code?

Sweetheart, come here. Look at your fucking mask down. Look at that fucking mouth. That chin popping out. Promo code is A-N-U-S. That's anus. Hey, miss, ignore my friend. It is promo code anus, but you can go to barebottomclothing.com.

That's B-E-A-R, like the animal, bottomclothing.com. And just use code anus to get free shipping on your first order. Okay, we have to get free shipping on your first order. Okay, we have to get back to the tours, so... Wait a minute, is the mascot for this university a bear? Yeah. Is that him right there? Is he about to roar? Fuck, is that a common grizzly? No, much worse.

It's a Kodiak. Fairbanks Kodiak. Yeah, that's the full-on Fairbanks Kodiak. So you knew, so you knew already. Yeah, let's do your... Can you roar to him? Anyways, where were we? Hey, do you mind if we check out the dorms?

Sure, they're right behind Wheeler Hall Auditorium over here. You can go to the Doe Memorial Library and take a left, and the dorms will be right there. This thing is beeping off the fucking charts. It's beeping very fast, frequently, and it's increasingly... The rate at which it's beeping is driving me insane. Excuse me, Mr. Guide, how do we get into these dorms? Yeah, all you have to do is get a key card from a student.

So if you're not a student, you're not going to be able to get into the dorms, okay? Mother of fuck. We'll go talk to the dean. Sir? Where's the dean's office? It's right behind California Hall Guys, if you're noticing a dip in quality Just audio quality

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Sit down. Sit down. Sit down, fellas down. Sit down. Dean, what's your name? How you doing? Dean. Is Dean okay? You can call me Mike.

Mike Katrubis. That's my full name. Dr. Mike Katrubis. You right there, though. You looking at me? You look familiar. He's looking at you. What are you getting at, pal?

What are you getting at? Actually, I think you know my wife, Ashley DeVico. Yeah. Oh, Christ almighty. What about her? I think she licked your nuts in the third grade. Oh, fuck. Is this true?

She licked your fucking sack? What the fuck? I thought that demon was blowing smoke up my ass. That demon wasn't fucking... Oh, no, baby. What the fuck is that coming from? It was real. Who the fuck are you talking to right now?

Detective, have you lost your mind? You hear that, motherfucker? That deep voice in my ear? Yeah, motherfucker, you're fucked now. Oh, my God. Dean, I'm sorry about your wife. I appreciate the stories and demons, but I don't have much time, so what can I do for you? All we need is a key card so we can get to a dorm.

It's for a case. A key card to get into a dorm? It's 2034. We don't allow that here at all. You think without security and the right measures, you've got to attend this university to get into these classrooms. Looks like we've got to go back to college. Looks like I am going to be a freshman exploratory major here in the next few days. Yeah, I think so.

Yeah. Oh. I hope this is easy and straightforward. Man, this seems like something we can pull off with a little bit of hijinks. A lot of luck. All right, we are all huddled around the same mic in a Holiday Inn Express in northern Michigan. Mackinac City. Look at us, how fucking lucky we are, boys.

First off, have any of you motherfuckers ever won anything from like a silent auction? No. No, but look at us. What does that have to do with anything? On a business trip up in fucking Michigan. Two years ago, I was in the cubes. I was stuck in the cubes, a slave to spreadsheets and Excel, listening to God knows what on the podcast charts. And now I'm here.

So let me do you one better. One year ago, I was in the fucking cubes in Columbus, Ohio. And look at me now. I'm in Michigan you're you're in michigan on a work trip and like we were doing nine to five it makes sense i mean you guys couldn't just you couldn't do that nine to five no that's not for me and now look at us yesterday we took a 6 a.m flight to detroit 6 a.m coach flight to Detroit. 6 a.m. coach flight to Detroit. And like a year ago. From LaGuardia. We were those dudes.

Look at us. We were those dudes. And we went there and we're like, yo, let's go and have a beer. Let's have fun with this. We went down and sat down. They're like, no, we don't serve beer till 7 a.m. So we just. Yeah, we were so close to getting there and look at us now and we're not

getting anything comped but no no and that's the thing we don't we don't get it expensed 100 percent two years ago i was in the cube i was stuck in ohio and now i'm fucking god knows where in michigan for work on trips this is this is what I dreamed about in the cubes. Getting DMs. I got a DM today. No, you didn't. From an ugly man. Oh, yeah, okay.

An ugly man. And he was just like, I'm so sick of your Chris D'Elia shtick. Make up your own thing. You were doing that earlier, weren't you? What was I doing? On K't you? What was I doing? On KFC radio. What was I doing? Acting like him.

The only way I act like Chris D'Elia is that I plan on... You actually aren't like him at all. I plan on grooming. To a bride. Oh, being a... I'm in the future when she turns 18. Because you can't be funny as him. No, no, absolutely not.

Absolutely not. You groom. I groom? What? What type of pet? No, that younger chick. No, I'm not in. That girl.

That girl. Which one? You dated her. What the fuck? Well, first off, I never dated her. Who the fuck do you think I am? We never dated. You dated that girl.

Oh, if you ask her, she might think we dated, but you motherfuckers, you looking at me? We never dated. No, you dated her. You and her. You think I dated her? Yes.