A New Untold Story - A New Untold Story: Ep. 228 - Black Beans

Episode Date: March 5, 2021

|| A New Untold Story: Ep. 228 || The boys discuss the ideal crew to hit the town with, Jeff hits us with some more Untold Night Live, & we finally get an update on the Reggie saga!!! || Producer: Tyler GoochmanYou can find every episode of this show on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or YouTube. Prime Members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. For more, visit barstool.link/anuspodcast

Hey, a new Untold Story listeners, you can find every episode on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or YouTube. Prime members can listen to ad-free on Amazon Music. It's Untold Night Live! Starring Darnell Cumm! Fart Van Stinky! Ray Schoessler, Bowlby Stroganofsky, Darius Dolezal, featuring Casey Anthony D'Elia, Featuring Casey Anthony D'Elia, Money Goldstein,

musical guest Edward Sharp and the Megan Rapinos, and your host, Wolfgang Amadeus Chicken Fry. Ladies and gentlemen, Wolfgang Amadeus Chicken Fry! Wolfgang Amadeus Chicken Fry! want to say no you're just gonna say like no that's a new untold story hey is that story old untold it's a fresh big untold story I knew I'd be We never thought of finding a place where we belong Don't have to stand alone, we'll never let you fall Don't need permission stand alone, but never let it fall. Don't need permission to decide what to believe.

You gotta learn something when we meet you at school. Say jump! Down on Jump Street. Say jump! All right, good luck this year. Next. Right here. Last name?

Abdulabib. What the fuck? What do you mean, what the fuck? That's your last name. How'd you not know my name? Yes. Abdulabib, here you go. Oh, business major.

Okay. I figured it'd be the best bang for my buck if I want to end up being successful and reach my goals. Okay. Last name? Yeah, you don't need my last name. I'm probably the only manscaping major in there. What in the fuck? You're a manscaping major? You're a fucking business major.

What the fuck are you going to do with a manscaping degree? Fuck yours. Mine? Okay, yeah, here it is. Manscaped major. Only one in the field this year. Look at these classes. Amazing.

What the fuck classes are you taking? I'm taking classes on crop cleansing and crop preserving. And it's all in this perfect package here. It's 3.0. Excuse me. It actually comes with a coupon. Here you go. It's a free coupon from manscaped.com.

What? Your major doesn't have a coupon? There's no business coupons. But for a limited time, I'll let you use my coupon for two free gifts. Fuck your coupon. There's no business coupons. But for a limited time, I'll let you use my coupon for two free gifts. Fuck your coupon. I'll give you a shit travel bag and Manscaped boxes. 20% off code ANUS.

A-N-U-S. Manscaped.com. You'll be doing yourself a favor. Yeah, I'm gonna need that. I can't trim worth a hill of beans. Hello? Yes. What's his first name?

Okay, hang on one second. Looks like Reggie's in ethics. Business ethics. Okay, that's in the big forum building. Okay, thank you. Alright, boys, you need anything else? Uh, no, thank you very much. Okay, good you. All right, boys. Do you need anything else? No, thank you very much.

Okay, good luck this year. Did you hear that? Go state. How the fuck did we get so lucky? How did we get so lucky? It's like some higher powers trying to progress this story because we're at a dead end. Yeah, now we know exactly where Reggie's class is. Well, should we go to that?

Because I don't know. I kind of want to learn about advanced skin-safe technology pioneered by Manscaped. Nah, fuck it. We'll go to Reggie. What the fuck? What is this? This is a completely new idea that's never been done with any of us. We racked our brains in the workshop for this one.

This is something we don't even know if it'll work. We don't know if people will like it. It's called Fictional Cruise. And so we are assembling a crew of five people. Oh, I thought This is something we don't even know if it will work. We don't know if people will like it. It's called fictional cruise. And so we are assembling a crew of five people. Oh, I thought there was like a cruise that you go on, like a ship. No, CRE double stars. You might be the odd man out in this. You might be the odd man out here, but it will still work. No, no, it will still work.

So what we're going to do is we're going to put one of our crews up against somebody else and give a scenario. And we're going to say which crew will... Would I pick mine based on a crew that would be the best to go out with? Yes. Me too. Getting girls, having fun. Yep. Wait, you picked a girl?

That's all there is, though. I'm not the goal for me. Okay. Pussy? Getting pussy? Getting pussy, having a good time, good vibes. Girls around you. So maybe we just all go around and pitch our crews.

Ken Jack, you may have done something like this in the past. Yeah, no, I've done both fictional groups and fictional crews before. Okay. Both, literally. Yes, you have. So do you have your crew? Yeah, I'll start it out. And so my crew is comprised strictly of people that work here at Barstool.

And I'll list them all out for you guys, just in order. First off is the guy who runs the Barstool Georgia account. His name is Kirill Stroganov. First up, so he's a really great hang, if you can get him to come across the pond. You said Kirill? Kirill, K-I-R-I-L. He runs the UGA Barstool.

No, no, no, Georgia, like the country south of Russia. Yeah, yeah, okay. If you can get country south of Russia. Yeah, yeah. Okay. If you can get him across the pond, he's really cool. But he hasn't posted any Greco-Roman wrestling highlights in a while. So it makes me think he might have gotten caught up in the violence and he may have been dead. I don't know. But Kirill, you're my thoughts if you're out there. What's the Barstool dog account?

I Can't Even? Yeah, they have I Can't Even even there but it's like their food account it's like a nice cabbage okay so like you gotta this what makes him a good member of a crew he's just good he's like very stout very sturdy he can drink a lot he's like also security for your group he's like no one's gonna fuck with like a georgian guy that knows greco-roman wrestling yeah it's definitely the best wrestler at this company he's still balding severely so no he has a like a like a widow's peak that looks like an arrow it's like really vicious one of those caucus torsos exactly furry exactly he's covered head to toe not hairy it's furry he looks like white socks dave like his general build but

like actually strong and can fight that makes sense it's a general idea behind it next up so he's your enforcer if you guys are going out he's whipping ass exactly It's the general idea behind it. So he's your enforcer. If you guys are going out, he's whipping ass. Exactly. That's what Greg brings to the table. Sorry, this is Kirill. We call him Barstool Georgia. That's what he brings to the table.

Next up, though, is Barstool Greg. His real name is Greg. He works directly underneath Riggs and Glennie. He's their intern. Both of those guys are busy all the time, but they have a very strict image they like to maintain, and they're very feminist guys. So's runs their instagrams and follows as many

hot women as he possibly can i've actually looked into his work yeah he does a great job they don't miss they don't miss a tit they don't not a single one they he does fantastic work if you know make sure you go follow him anytime that i've just gone to a random Instagram account, Greg has liked the picture. Exactly. Greg's already been there. Greg did a good job. He follows. He likes.

He makes sure Riggs and Glennie have both followed that woman. Keeps them up to date. Exactly. So it maintains, again, their very strictly feminist images. It's a 24-hour job. So he's never really free. But when he is, he's like a huge tequila and coke guy. It's like you always love that guy in your crew, right?

So then we got barstool ronnie um if you're not familiar with the the barstool office the basement is dedicated to viral videos and it's just like a giant pool where they have all these people hooked up to life support systems sort of like the precogs and minority report much and and every time barstool gets a viral video ronnie spurts out a ball that gives it a caption so it's like pov your mom is late with your chicken tendies or you know when she when she show me how that pussy fart and like when we go out he's a big fireball shots guy he's he's a fireball he's that dude always fun to hang out with that's sick yeah i loved his work recently after the super bowl when you lose your mom in

a house of mirrors yeah because I hate it when that happens. All the time. I relate to that so much. I remember I was watching The Weeknd trip through a house of mirrors. That would be me if I had lost my mom in the house of mirrors. Exactly. It happens to me all the time. Next up is Ray William Johnson. We just got recently hired as our head of video at Barstool.

He's a really cool dude. John Cutts. You guys know him really well. I mean, you guys kind of initiated him into the company playing Soggy Biscuit. I remember those days. Yeah, we did that one, Ray. And he's been working on some new one-minute-long pre-roll ads for every anus episode, so look out for those coming very soon.

All video content. And last up is Jeff Nadu. Nadusky was the best. All of us spent so many days at the club with him just talking about Sopranos, wise guys, good fellows. Sean John Velour suits. Exactly. Sean John Velour wearing chains, being

a Goomba, whatever he would call it, and all those other great Italian words that Albanians use. He's that guy. And we'll miss him dearly. That's a damn good crew. The express jacket with the Albanian flag. Exactly. The bird. Stitched onto the back of it. I remember he and I had a bit of the Albanian flag. Exactly. The bird. Stitched onto the back of it.

I remember he and I had a bit of an Albanian off because my last name, my grandparents are from Albania. My last name is the literal capital of Albania. But he beat me because I wear a silver bracelet. And he said Albanians never wear silver. They don't wear silver. In his defense, they don't. They don't. They sure don't. They can't afford it.

They wear burlap. They wear mud. KK mud. Cake mud. They wear rutabaga on their face after their first meal of the first three months. Back to poverty. But they don't wear silver. But not silver. Well, they sell it for rutabaga.

They sell it for rutabaga. Who's fronting the bill in your crew? That's what I'm worried about. Who's getting the bottom service? Nadeau. Nadeau's the richest guy out of all of us. That's for sure. He's gambling. He's gambling winnings all the timeadeau. Nadeau's the richest guy out of all of us. That's for sure. He's gambling.

He's gambling winnings all the time. You got that covered. We don't pay Barstool Ronnie. He's stuck in the basement. Ray William Johnson is probably the actually richest of the entire group, but we respect him too much to make him pay for it. Nadeau has a good music taste, too, because I saw him tweet once, there's no better Amish DJ than this guy.

Name one other person that can name one. Name one better Amish DJ. Sometimes. I Name one other person that can name one. Name one better Amish DJ. I wanted to debate him so bad. Couldn't think of a counterpoint. Probably Googling for fucking... DJs near... You'll be like, Jason stuff. You'll be like, oh, Matisyahu. It's like, he's not Amish at all.

He was an Orthodox Jew at one point. Amish presenting, maybe. Exactly. But not a true Amish. Not a true Amish. That's going to be tough to beat. That's a good crew. I can go with mine if you want. Yeah.

My crew, the theme of it is they're stoned. So I love if we... I'd imagine right now Jeff D'Lo will insert some bong bubbling. Can you... Thank you.

So Right now, Jeff D'Lo will insert a bong bubbling. Thank you. That didn't sound like it. So my crew is the chillest, and every crew needs somebody to take care of the ox. So I got Wiz Khalifa. KB discovered him. You gave him his name. Gave him his name. He was going to be Kill a Cam. Yeah, he was.

Before that. You stopped him. Wiz Khalifa. Nice. And then we need laughs. Khalifa's permanently stoned. And I also need somebody that looks like me. So I'm going with Seth Rogen.

Very nice. Thank you. Dude, he's the man. Then I'm going with The Muscle. I'm going David by Michelangelo. Oh. Yeah. And I need somebody in the crew that has a smaller penis than me.

Does he actually actually though? Because I've seen your dick. Are you saying it's smaller? It's inverted though. It goes the other way but it's longer. It's longer. His is out-faced. You know how negative five looks like a larger number

than one? It's all about absolute value. And then I'm going with the lesbian Disney Channel actress Alison Stoner. She was the one who was with... Cheaper by the Dozen. She was on the Mike and...

Mike's Super Short Show, right? She was in that. She's a dancer. She was in Camp Rock. She's a dancer, a lesbian. Proven, yeah. I tested that. Go out.

A lesbian wingman would be ideal. And she fits the bill of stoner, stoned. And then I'm going to roll with Alison Stoner if she was in Yemen. That's immediate death. Just because if me and my crew, you know, if your crew ever ends up in Yemen, you don't want to be the slowest one. You don't want to be the one. You need a sacrificial lamb. You do.

So you can get out to your lamb dinner. That's right. You're going to be able to enjoy your lamb by not being the lamb. That's right. And so that's my crew. We're going to be smelling like loud. We're going to be smelling like the stinkiest loud pack. Isn't that right, Adam?

Oh, definitely. That's exactly how we all say it. But that was my first crew. I almost went with a second crew. Okay. Let's hear your second crew. That one was pretty simple. You know me.

I like music. So this next crew is called Sum 41. So the total of this crew equals 41. Okay. Let's just say we're rolling with a bit more than 20 pilots. How many pilots? Is this a crowded-ass cockpit we're looking at? This is a crowded cockpit of 21 pilots.

They're from Columbus. We could talk about that. They love painting themselves red and black. I've never done that, but I'd go red. It looks cool. The girls love them. The girls love them. You know what? They have to go red and black because if they choose one or the other, it's problematic.

I like the fine line that they've walked. Then I'm going to roll with two chains. We're bringing our total up to 23. 23. Okay, 23. 23. That makes sense. Then I'm going to go with cute girls like kids.

So I'm rolling with three JonBenet Ramses. Oh. Can you get three JonBenets? You can't even get one. Girls love true crime. They love murder mysteries even more than they like kids. Bitches love a show. Bitches love a show.

Is it actually Katy Perry? Wasn't that the conspiracy theory running around, that JonBenet Ramsey is actually Katy Perry? It is. Do the numbers check out? I think so. No, they work out perfectly. I heard that. But then also, Katy Perry is also someone

else that's famous, though. Who's the bitch from Elf? Zooey Deschanel. Same dead eye. Zooey Deschanel is Katy Perry is JonBenét Ramsey. That's your three right there. You just got all three JonBenét. I got all three JonBenét. So she... In a jumpsuit, like stacked on one another?

In an overcoat. Three John Bonet Ramseys in an overcoat. I was very close to 26. Okay, she's died at six. No, she died at six, so 18. 18 plus 23. Is that 41? Some 41.

That's my other crew. Those are crews you alternate with, because none of those guys smoke. Yeah. JonBenet Ramsey dealt with blunt force trauma. Yeah. But she doesn't smoke. Mine is my crazy exes.

Oh, my exes are crazy, too. That's weird. Isn't that fucking nuts? The first one is my ex, Jean. She had a fucking super broad back. She could do a lot of pull-ups, I think. She either swam or just loved working out her lats. And she gave one of my best friends a handjob while we were snogging.

While you were kissing? Like in the middle of kissing? No, no, no. But at the same, around the same time. Basically, that was the beginning of my relationship with her. Your spit was still on her lips. Yeah, exactly. And then she just went to go fucking pound this guy off to completion.

And pound off? In the club? Yeah. You said she had a broad back? Appropriate verb. Yeah, she had a broad ass back. I mean, her grip strength must have been incredible. She could probably fucking pull a tugboat by

herself just fucking in a pure row motion. One of the broadest backs I've ever seen on a woman. She was the most broad broad that I've ever seen in my entire life. And you let her go. Okay. I didn't. She fucking jumped ship. It wasn't me letting her go. I obviously fucking chased

her down and she just was adamant to give this other guy a handjob. I was a 18 year old. But I need her in my crew. If you're going out, if we're all going out, that means the gang's getting handjobs. You'll beat off anybody I like. That's a promise.

My next ex is Simon Cowell. X Factor judge. Simon Cowell. British accent. If some fucking bitch walks up to us, Simon Cowell will easily Factor judge. Simon Cowell, British accent. If some fucking bitch walks up to us, Simon Cowell will easily be the one that says, hit the road, Jill, get out of here. Can you do it like Simon would? Fuck.

Get the fuck out of here. Dangerously close to the Irish. That was an Irish Simon. Get the fuck out of here. That was better. Damn, Simon. I know you have some. Can you give us Simon O'Cowell, an Irish Simon. Get the fuck out of here. That was better. Damn, Simon. I know you have some. Can you give a Simon O'Cow, an Irish Simon? None of these lasses will be giving my friends a handjob.

That's for Gene. And I know this is audio based, but Roan has his arms crossed doing this. So it is like Simon Cowell. He's also wearing a black t-shirt. Yeah, with his nipples popping out. And he knows the fucking plastic surgeons. If I want to get my face rearranged, I'm going to fucking Simon Cowell.

He'll get me right. You want your eyelids removed? I don't know. He can do it. I hate to pick at your crew already because it's not done, but I would hate to see Simon Cowell in a strobe light.

That would be haunting. Yeah, that would be scary indeed. He's going to have to stay towards the bar. He'll be our gatekeeper, kind of. You're not going to get in our table because Simon is going to boot your ass out of there. He's probably dressed like a bouncer as it is. He is. He has natural bouncer dress.

Next up, Sal Masekela, X Games announcer. Just like a great fucking vibe. Like a chill-ass dude. He's one of the most relaxed human beings. I don't really know what he's up to, but he seemed enthusiastic about everything that he ever did.

He's just a chill-ass guy, and he satisfies my X category. Sure. Owen, pull up a picture of Sal real quick. Why? Do you not remember? I've got to get refreshed. Sal Masichela. I think he's a Haitian, bro. I think that—

He's got a great vibe. You know who I'm talking about? Yeah. He's the guy— Wait, why? I was picturing a Sal. Like a Sal with the X games. Sal Volcano. I was picturing a Sal. Like a Sal Fasano with the X Games. Sal Volcano.

I was not picturing what I'm looking at. His full name isn't Sal. It's Sel, maybe Sel. It's like Selma or something like that. Sel something. But yeah, he doesn't have, he's not like Sal Fasano with the handlebar mustache who's a plumber. He broke your back doing a wheelie and makes you tonight's big loser. Wait, why does it have that his genre is children's music?

He probably dabbles in that, too. So if we need to entertain the kids that night while we're out, Masichelo gets the fucking kazoo, and we're going to town fucking playing Puff the Magic Dragon. So Sal Masichelo is black. His parent is Hugh Masichelo and Jesse Lapieri, and his sibling is Nathan Gonzalez. Just a melting pot of a home.

Right, and that's the kind of inclusivity that my crew is going to have when we go out. His grandparents are Pauline Bowers. I don't think they understand last names. They give them both when they're born. Yeah, they're just weaving in every last name. He's got to be the most genetically diverse human being that there is. His gene variance has to have him being so calm. Family reunion is like a UN council.

Yeah, only dominant genes. There's no recessive genes that have been passed on. He's got a great vibe. I love this. Massacela's vibe. Again, I'm worried about the ratio with your crew. Why? What's going to be around you guys.

Why? I don't know. We already have my ex, Gene, and I'm about to bring up Brandy Love, the number one ranked woman on X video. Of all the porn stars, X video obviously ranks their porn stars. I think there's a deliberate complex algorithm where it's like the searches. It's ever changing. She's number one at the time? She's number one right now.

I don't know if it's just she had a moment in the sun, but she's the number one ex on ex videos. The sun is usually in her. Yeah. Or the stepson. Yeah, yeah. The stepson is usually in her. But she's – I mean anytime you have her in the crew, everyone is going to be getting hand jobs and sucked off between X Gene and – Sal Masekela.

Sal Masekela and Brandi Lowe. I see what you're going for. Like you're getting sexual pleasures from within your crew, whereas I was thinking like I want to attract girls. He's promoting from within instead of looking at them. You're skipping the middleman. I like that. No, I'm with it because if you're with a girl, they're going to be like, I better suck Roan off before she does. Yes, exactly.

It's a safety net pretty much. It's like either we're all getting hand jobs from my incredibly grip strength ex-gene who could fucking pop open a soda without twisting the top. Was it J-E-A-N or G-E-N-E? Like mean gene? It was G-E-N-E. Yeah, I've seen, yeah. She has the full Avenged Sevenfold logo tattooed on her back, does she not?

She had alarmingly hairy knuckles. The top of her back was Avenged Sevenfold and the bottom of her back was the entire map of the globe but with lotus flowers in every country that she had been to. It was really sad. And her back was so broad that she could fit the entire globe, but with lotus flowers in every country that she had been to. It was really... And her back was so broad that she could fit

the entire globe, like the big Alaska. She didn't just have the capital city. She had the second largest cities labeled as well. Exactly, yeah. You could zoom in on her back and more cities would pop up. Imagine trying to subtly hint that you want your girlfriend to shave her knuckles.

She was beautiful, but she had shave her knuckles. She was beautiful and she had this hairy knuckles. Say it's a fetish of yours? Just like, yeah, I want to wax your knuckles. No, I would make it into a drinking game.

Just be like, all right, we have to rub our hands on sandpaper and then take a sip of beer. Trust me, it's fun. They were so hairy that they got linty.

She had linty knuckles because there was such like it would catch everything it was like a catch-all yeah she needed head and shoulders it could work up a lather there was enough hair for lather easily when she played the game the rubbing the knuckles on the table before you drink she would just wear through the table it was like a fucking brillo pad would you lather on your hands would you l lather? No, that's it. They're like, would you lather your hands? Please, God,

would you lather your hands? And finally, Michael Roof, who you guys might not know, but in the movie... Serial killer? Shooter? No, that's Dylan Roof,

dickhead. It's his brother. It's his ex-boyfriend. No, it's Michael Roof was in the movie Triple X. You guys remember Triple X? Yeah. Our boy's agent guy. Yes guys remember Triple X? Yeah.

Our boy's agent guy. Yes. He was the tech guy. He was the tech guy in Triple X. He was a dickhead. But he was a dickhead, but if you ever needed anything, he had it for you. And he was like a little all-business peedish. He'd give you a hard time for needing the rocket launcher, but he would tell you how to use the rocket launcher. And maybe give you a hard time about being wanton about it.

But he is like any good crew needs the tech guy. He is the tech guy. Now, he's dead. He died in 2009. But for the purpose of this, I mean, we're allowed to do this. Ramsey was dead. I remember correctly. At one point, he gives Vin Diesel a pair of glasses that lets you see through people's

clothes. And he looks at all the women in the room. Bingo. He had we're all wearing those glasses, and we can see just how wide Gene's back is because this shit is... Was there a Dockers commercial where they did the same thing? Where you could just kind of see through?

I'm not positive, but that's the last member of my crew, Michael Roof, triple X's tech guy. Those are my five crazy X's. Damn, that's a good crew It's progressive You have races And genders

And widths He has races He almost had a racist Between him and Dylan Roof It was very close Yeah It was too close To having a racist

But I did not have a racist Those are my crazy X's Left off Professor X Tough one to leave off Yeah I mean yeah You could have had a telepathic In your crew, but if you go anywhere with steps.

We're fucked, yeah. The elevator's broken and he has to stay in the fucking bottom of the club. Imagine Simon Cowell getting any type of sexual deed done on him. Him orgasming. Would it just be like a head nod? I think it would be a shake no, even if he came. He's a tough lover. There's generous lovers and there's tough lovers who make you work a lot harder.

He's a strictly reverse cowgirl type of guy. It's the only position he can come to. I've heard of tough love, but just in the bedroom, it hits different. That's a different type of tough love. Rough love, really. I want to see Simon Cowell and Gordon Ramsay try to get each other off and just talk shit to each other. Like get each other off? Yeah, yeah.

If they're subs, maybe they're both subs. They could both be subs. But two doms going head-to-head, a dom-off? That just doesn't work. You call that a dick? Yeah. And then we mix in Dom Toretto. We have a three-way dom-off.

Oh, my God. Three different types of doms. True. I don't know. Good crew. Good crew. Solid crew. George Strait also missed the cut. All my exes live in Texas.s. True. I don't know. Good crew. Good crew. Solid crew. George Strait also missed the cut.

All my exes live in Texas. Yes. Yeah. Rex Washburn who played who was x-raying holes. You've never had a girlfriend. Fuck. Gene was

Gene was a guy who I saw working at Dwight Howard. Gene was Superman who won I saw working at Howard. Gene was Superman who won the 2004 Dunk Contest. Would you want to go fuck me? Well, I would. You're very beautiful. But I don't have a condom.

Oh, come on. No, silly. I want you to fuck me raw. Oh, okay. Yeah, that works. I'll fuck you raw. My dorm is actually right here, right across the Esplanade. Well, let's just go there right now. Detective, I'll meet you, Ra. My dorm is actually right here, right across the Esplanage. Well, let's just go there right now. Detective, I'll meet you at the bar later. Uh, whoa. I mean, this room is very tiny.

It's a little small. There's no fuck space. Fuck space? There's no room for you to fuck me or me fuck you. Oh, I mean, what about Headspace? Oh, I could do Headspace. You want me to get down on my knees? No, no, no, no, no. I'm talking Headspace. You want me to get down on my knees? No, no, no, no, no, no. I'm talking about meditation.

Headspace is one of the only meditation apps advancing the field of mindfulness and meditation through clinically validated research. Come here. Look at my iPad. Look at this app. Headspace is your daily dose of mindfulness in the form of guided meditations in an easy-to-use app. Look at this. So whatever the situation, Headspace really can help you feel better. Look at me in the eyes.

Pull your mask down. Are you overwhelmed? Doesn't matter. Headspace has a three-minute SOS meditation for you. Look me right in the fucking eyes. You're beautiful. Do you need some help falling asleep? Ever?

Be honest with me. Yeah? All right. Headspace has wind-down sessions their members swear by. And for parents, you got parents, you got folks. Headspace even has morning meditations you can do with your kids. You like the sound of that? Sweetheart, mask back down.

I want to see your whole face. You're smirking out of control. Headspace is backed by 25 published studies. We're in college. We know all about studies. You know, it can reduce stress, improve sleep, boost focus. Look me in the eyes again.

Sweetheart, are you with me here? It can increase your overall sense of well-being. It makes it easy for you to build a life-changing meditation practice. You know what? Look me in the eyes. You keep turning away. You're nervous. You deserve to feel happier.

And Headspace is meditation made simple. You got your phone out? All right. Go to headspace.com slash story. That's headspace.com slash story. For a free, you like trials? Sweetheart, do you like trials? This will get you a free one-month trial. This is the best deal offered to you, hands down. Got your phone out? Head to headspace.com slash story today. Matter of fact, right now. I'll watch you do it. You know what? That sounded really good.

I think I'm gonna leave and go try that right now. Oh, okay, sure. Just make sure you use that promo code, okay? Okay. Yeah, I guess I'll go jack off. Well, I was not really thinking like a night out to the clubs. I was sort of thinking a crew I could assemble to have a good night in. Okay.

I don't know. I feel like I'm so used to the quarantine and shit. So first, I got my buddy Kevin. Yeah, he's awesome. Kevin is awesome. And you're familiar with him conversation will be fresh one of my best friends I've known him for a while sounds like a great guy

I know what I'm going to get with him second is George Washington Carver he's credited with inventing peanut butter of course post invention did he die right after inventing? As soon as he invented it.

200 uses of peanuts. He fell on a bunch of peanuts and he was obese. He was fat. This guy didn't do anything. And they rolled it over the corpse. They were like, let's taste his belly. The pot was full of butter at the time. He was walking around with a ton of butter.

Very fat as fuck. Don't touch the corpse. No tasting either. This man was a genius. This isn't that suspicious. Third, Marley from David Frankel's Marley and Me.

David Frankel, love his work. Wait, that's the dog? That is the dog, yeah. He's pandering. Owen just saw the first half of that movie. Yeah, you don't know how that ends? I've never seen it. That's how I feel about the movie Eight-Legged Freaks.

I never saw the whole movie, and I don't know how it ends. I only watched the one movie. Arquette, baby. You just saw the dirt bikes in Arquette and you're like, yeah, I'm in. I get the gist. Well, there's no

resolution for me, so in my mind, there's still spiders all over some mall. It didn't end. It's attacking everywhere. Fourth, am I up to

four? Four is Vince Offer, Israeli-American director, known primarily for his role as the head spokesman for the ShamWow.

He had a prostitute almost bite his tongue off. He got busted big time. Well, literally and in the metaphorical sense. Bite his tongue off? Yeah, he frenched hooker, which is rule number one, don't do. I think that he should

be able to have hookers. I think the ShamWow guy should be exempt from any hooker laws. Hey, man, Billy Mays, he's still around, right? Yes. You bust all over the hooker and she like is like about, she's like, wait, why am I dry?

And he just wrings it out. That's what I mean. Like he's fucking, I wonder how often the ShamWow has been used for cum. You think often? More often than you might think,

I would hope. Do you think that it absorbs cum though? Brother. Or do you think cum is too viscous? I think cum is too viscous. That's why Vince is here. That's why Vince is here.

Oh, to absorb. Oh, shit. He's the cleanup guy. Okay. And my final pick is Michael Vick. First overall pick in the 2001 NFL Draft. Three-time Pro Bowler. Convicted dogfighter. Reformed. Reformed. Convicted dogfighter. So that's my crew. I got my buddy Kevin.

George Washington Carver. Peter Butter. A dog. Marley towels ShamWow and then Michael Vick is this about is this about you getting off are you about to cover your balls

in peanut butter and have a dog lick it off and then have Michael Vick kill the dog so that there's no witnesses yeah but what's Kevin doing he's yeah what

Kevin's good vibes cleaning up the secretion yeah true Kevin's just chill as fuck sitting there while you're getting sucked off by a dog. Can I try? It's quarantine, so I'm going to get head from a dog and then wipe it up with ShamWow and then watch it fight with Mike Vick and then my buddy Kevin. You know Michael Vick didn't fight the dogs, right?

No, he fights them. He didn't physically fight. That's not why he fights dogs. 101 against a dog. He was a dog fighter. That's not what dog fights are. You brawl against a dog. Michael Vick is going to fight Marley.

Okay. He's just fighting. And then Kevin, I just know what I'm going to get. Yeah, I like Kevin. You'd go to your friend's house and he would play the single player video game. And you were like, you should sit in the back and watch. He's that guy. Reduce fat cheeses.

Yeah, you're getting sucked by a dog. That's like Nick and Riggs. I prefer to watch. He's like, no like no no I'm fine with watching no I like the story I wouldn't be very good at this I wouldn't be very good to

get my balls licked somebody who sucks at getting their balls licked it's so bad what are you doing you don't even have to do it Lance Armstrong stop rolling I don't don't I'm not very good at this

no I'm just gonna lick your ball no I can't trust me what are you talking not very good at this. No, I'm just going to lick your balls. No, I can't. Trust me. What are you talking about? I suck at this. How? The number one worst guy, it would be Lance Armstrong. Yeah.

There's a lot more scrote to move around in, I suppose. Hell, I want to hear Kyle's. Hell, yeah, let's do it. Okay. Mine is Team Chipotle. And I'm all about getting pussy here. Myself. That goes to this one goal. Girls love Chipotle. So these are all just getting pussy here. Myself. That goes without saying.

Girls love Chipotle. So these are all just means to an end. Okay. So burritos are too thick. Especially for girls. I want something thinner. So I go in and I'm picking I want a bowl. A minute

bowl. The late Sudanese NBA star. Girls love really tall guys. But more so they love the idea of really tall guys. So if I roll in with minute, he's 7'7". They're going to come up to him. He's going to lure them with his height

and his star power. And they're going to quickly realize that they are physically incapable of having a conversation with them, especially for Post-It, standing up. So they resort to me. All women love Manute Bull, too. I think they would be surprised they'd be like, didn't you die in like 2000? Yeah, because women know Manute Bull

facts as well. Aren't you supposed to be dead? It would be shocking. No. We go into Barley House in Cleveland. He's going to get swarmed. White girls are going to take a picture with him, but they're not going to be able to talk to him face to face. They go to me. Or fit in the frame with him.

Yeah, that too. But let's be honest. Manu Ball is going to freak out the hoes. I need someone in my crew who's going to make them feel more comfortable. More safe, maybe. So I got my bowl. Now who's going to make them feel more comfortable. Okay. More safe, maybe. So I got my bowl. Now I'm going for rice.

Ray rice. Oh, yeah. That always puts the women to sleep. So after I picked bowl, I got my rice. Former NFL star. Cool. Jacked as all hell. Oh, yeah.

Athlete. Still in his prime, technically. Rich. Maybe. Don't know. Yeah. And when the night's winding down and it's time to go to one of our places, go up to our apartment or hotel room, they're going to be too afraid to get in with him.

They're going to my place. Okay. So I have two athletes on my team. One's going to make me look cartoonishly short, and one's going to make me look comically weak in beta and unathletic. So I need someone who's going to make me look as good as possible. Yeah. Tall, handsome, and politically correct. So I got my bowl, my rice.

I'm going for black beans. What? Stephen Anthony Lawrence from Even Stevens. Beans? In blackface. Beans? Black beans? Black beans.

In blackface. Oh, my God. So he's going to make me look like the fucking man. I don't even know if he needed the blackface to make you look like the man, but it'll help. It will help. I think his Disney stardom will lure the millennial hoes to our group, but they're going to look at him, his hideously ugly and racist face, and they're not going to fuck him. But also the fact that Manute Bowl is there with you shows that he doesn't have to be canceled. It's almost like a co-signing. Manute Bowl is just seeing the top of Beans' head.

So he has no idea. He just sees the mop top. And who's going to try to cancel Beans? What's that going to do to him? Make his life worse? End his career? The only place he can go is up. He needs a canceling. No one needs a canceling worse than that guy. It would save his career.

Black Beans. Wow. Who do I got in my crew? I got Bowl, Rice, and Black Beans. So next up, I'm not going to be too ambitious. I'm just going to get a little bit of corn. So I'm going for the dreadlock guitarist, James Schaefer, of the band Korn. The other four will stay at home. Just a little bit of Korn. One kernel of Korn.

And he will attract the freaky bitches. Good thing you didn't pick Dick if you ever looked at him. He's scary. His nickname was Head because his skull is so big. I think it was Monkey or something. Remarkably smart move to not take Duritz because he would get all of the hoes. Duritz is in Crows. He is dreadlocked.

He is dreadlocked. This is a white dreadlocked man. Yeah. Everyone loves those. So a little bit of corn. Uh-huh. So now it's time to pick the fifth member of my crew. I'm looking at my options.

I see the steak, the chicken, the carnitas, the barbacoa. I'm overwhelmed. I feel like my crew already has enough manpower and masculinity. So my executive decision is no meat, which brings me to the fifth and final member of my crew Nick in a wetsuit oh god damn no meat at all fresh off of a

dip in Lake Superior so he's gonna keep the hoes laughing all minus five of them witty barbs but they're gonna look down and he's just gonna be like an anthropomorphic Chuck E. Cheese robot. Just completely

a eunuch man. And as the night goes on they get drunk or I'll be able to repeat his jokes with my dick. Yeah. A fully penis man.

You're like the guy who says the joke louder in class. Except in this case it's you having a penis. That's fucking brilliant. That's an incredible crew. That is a good crew.

I thought he was going to say vegetable because of the no meat part. I was afraid of where we were going. I was afraid of vegetables. I was thinking tofu. I was trying to work E. coli into something. E from entourage. Cole Sprouse. Yourself.

Yourself, yeah. I'm putting over some E. coli. Damn, now that I heard that one, I don't like his actual food. So good crew pussy-wise, but girls love to take pictures. Love it. Especially the ones worth taking pictures. If a girl doesn't take pictures, that's a bad sign. That's a girl that needs a panoramic lens.

Big time. Big bang. So if you're with a guy in blackface, can you be canceled? Or people would just be like, wait, is that fucking beans? I think that's the one guy who can't get canceled. Ken Jack,

if you're making a graphic for this, are you going to make black beans? Am I going to make black? How do you make black beans? I think you just literally use a picture. Okay, maybe pinto beans, like beans as a pan. What is that?

The half pinto beans? Is that pinto a horse? Pinto is a horse. There's pinto beans, like beans as a pan. What is that, the half pinto beans? Is that pinto a horse? A pinto is a horse. There's pinto Ron from Buffalo. No, again, he needs to be in blackface. What about you put a bean as his face or something? Because black beans are black. You put that as his face.

Well, then you're bean-facing. That's almost even worse. Yeah, bean-facing is almost worse. Bean-face is by far worse than blackface. That's known. Damn. Bean's wearing a six-lack t-shirt. Is that how you say that?

I don't know. I think it's black. Six. He's wearing six-lack face. Didn't you have a backup crew? Disney babies. What? People who were either conceived at Disney World or just named after Disney characters because their parents were fanatics. Damn.

Who comprised that crew? What a terrible brand of people. I have a family friend who got proposed to at Disney at like 19. She's married already. Yeah, that makes sense. Happily married. It was Sebastian Janikowski, Mickey Avalon, Mr. Beast,

Walt Jr., and Ariel Castro. Two solid crews. Walt Jr. So, hearing all these crews, I think we have to decide a winner of who has the best crew and I'm thinking, I like, we all love posting on Instagram. And I need somebody that could post a caption.

And Ken, Jack, you're? I have the precogs. The precogs know exactly how to caption Instagram photos. Who was your caption guy who worked in the lab? Barstool Ronnie. Barstool Ronnie. At Barst in the lab? Barstool Ronnie. Barstool Ronnie. Barstool Ronnie. At Barstool Ronnie. At Barstool Greg,

who again is Riggs and Glennie's hype man slash girl follower. So they know how, they can find a certain breed of woman. Yeah. And people want to follow Ray William Johnson wherever he goes.

Is that his name yet? He's the head of video, yeah. He's the head of video at Barstool Sports. It's a huge fucking honor. That's a solid crew, but I don't want to go out with people I work with.

That's an issue. Also true. I'm looking at my list again. Mine's kind of a crew of like redemption stories. I got two dead members and two imprisoned members. What about Kevin?

Kevin's just a good guy. You might have the best for getting girls. You might have the best for getting girls. You might have the best for getting girls. You have a doll. You have a gold retriever. You have a woof baby. Yeah, you do have a little fluff.

Fluffer. Fluffer. You got an athlete in there. You do have a famous athlete. Athlete or scoop. An actor. Yep. Shit.

Okay, how about we have to decide where we take our crews? What arena are we working with? A bar. Yeah. Okay. Crowded bar This may come as a surprise But me and the Barstool gang Are all going to the gym

The coolest bar there is Gym saloon Are we all going to the gym? Because we're not going to be able To compete with you at the gym No absolutely not That's your home base basically We're slaying

Some of that Wet pussy there Some of that wet pussy You're going to Parker House around? Yeah Definitely going to Parker House With a crew of exes But there. Some of that wet pussy. You're going to Parker House around? Yeah. Definitely going to Parker House. With a crew of exes. But I'm just worried that...

I mean, I'm... Gene's going to give your whole crew hand jobs. Like, I'm fucked right away because of Gene's loose hands. Tight grip, but loose hands. She don't fucking jerk anybody. You'd be screwed. I think you do have to pick a bar Or a locale For your team to go So are you guys gonna be at Chipotle KB?

No we'll be holding the bags Okay At where? Wherever we go Or probably the club I'm thinking of a club too But I'm thinking of like a big club If you have a table at a club

You're not gonna be able to see black beans That's also true But it's dark enough It's a win win So you're eating the Chipotle But also having You're not going to be able to see black beans. That's also true. It's dark enough. It's a win-win. So you're eating the Chipotle, but also having... I don't think that matters. I think of... I don't think you're getting in a club with Chipotle,

but I think with that crew, you would get into a club. Okay. What kind of club would you get in with blackface, though? What type of club would you get in with a bag of Chipotle? The KKK. That's a good club. Me and my stoners are going to the beach.

A bonfire or some type of thing? Secrets or just the actual beach? The beach, not secrets. And we have a bonfire set up. There's other crews around. Alice and stoner, the other one is going to be a satellite to you.

On FaceTime. From Yemen? She's going to be in Yemen. So maybe you have to go to Yemen. Okay, yeah. We'll go to Yemen. So you're guaranteeing her being stoned then? My whole crew's stoned. Nice. And the thing is, I'm with a nine foot tall

tiny penis man. I forgot. And Seth Rogen. Wait, did Manu still have a tiny penis? No, no. No, but it Seth Rogen. Wait, did Munoz all have a tiny penis in his head? No, no. No, but it was even worse. He had the seventh-largest penis

in the NBA. The seventh-largest in the NBA. Which you don't want if you're the tallest ever. Yeah, he was by far the tallest, but there were guys

who were under six feet that were beating him in dick size, that were beating his dick. Just like your good friend Gene. Yeah, just like Gene. Fuck.

It's almost impossible to pick a winner, but you don't want to go out with guys from work. Yep. My whole crew is going to be fucking... Brandy Love and Gene are going to be jerking everybody off. Yeah, that sucks. That doesn't really bode well for me. It'd be fun to go out, but it's tough to give a W.

I think, no offense to your team of exes, but the X factor is Kevin. I mean, I gotta go with Kevin. Kevin is solid. He seems like such good vibes. You sold Kevin well. Kevin, a golden retriever. What's his last name? He has diabetes.

Okay. Nope, I'm out. I am out. I wish you hadn't said that. Yeah. The fun con. Type one. No, it's still bad vibes vibes because then he gets sympathy pussy.

I don't want that. He's dredging off the crew. And the peanut butter could kill him. Nick Jonas got no pussy before he got diabetes. No, not even a single slither. Your guy is going to be carrying around that apparatus. He met Tracy Morgan at the airport and took a picture with him holding their pumps. I'm back in.

I'm back in. I'm back in. Is that picture exist? Yeah, yeah. I'd love to see it. what did uh what did tracy morgan say to him he was just like no you do a good tracy morgan ron yeah do do an impression right yeah just be like oh you're a diabetic kevin you're wacky yeah that was pretty good that was pretty good wait where did ron go thank you uh yeah shit i shit, I'm voting Owen. Me too. Me as well. On the strength of Kevin.

Nah, get out of here. How about we let the listeners decide? They can have a weighted vote. No. I'm voting no. All right, fuck them. Yeah, we'll let them decide. No.

I'm voting no. Yeah, you're right.