A New Untold Story - A New Untold Story: Ep. 229 - Sydney May

Episode Date: March 12, 2021

|| A New Untold Story: Ep. 229 || The boys discuss the steroid era of strap ons, West Virginia baby names, their clown cult homie, and lethal (?) injections at concerts! || Producer: Tyler GoochmanYou can find every episode of this show on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or YouTube. Prime Members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. For more, visit barstool.link/anuspodcast

Hey, A New Untold Story listeners, you can find every episode on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or YouTube. Prime members can listen to ad-free on Amazon Music. why why do you have why do you do that noise so loudly like you're in pain i'm not in pain i'm just impatient what spring break is coming up yeah it is and i'm excited spring break break season where are you going south padre what are you doing there partying big ev and mike ronell ellie schnitt you're gonna soak up the sun after a long winter inside huh yeah you equipped am i equipped yeah with what right threads uh come to think of it no inside, huh? Yeah. You equipped? Am I equipped? Yeah. With what? The right threads.

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Y'all stupid fucks ever... You guys notice that strap-ons have gotten bigger? Yeah, they're inflated. Yeah, they kind of have been. Getting more bulbous. I've been noticing from afar. We are smack dab in the steroid era of strap-ons. No, that started years, like five years ago.

No, they've gotten bigger. Even bigger? I remember when it first started, there was a, well, you can, it's transparent. It pops up in art and culture and shit. Pop culture and rap beef. What? The best rapper from our town is a lesbian.

She is. But she's not from Wheeling. She's from Cleveland. She's a transplant. Yeah. Which is ironic because she got breast reduction surgery. She used to look like E-40. Now she looks like Papoose.

Goo. Nope. Does she have big titties? Nope. Nah, they're gone. But she got into rap beef with a straight man from our town. And what was she clowning him for? She was clowning him that he was bald

and that she fucked his baby mama better than he did. And there was more to it. And the pussy smelled. The pussy always smells in beef. So her strap-on was just... She was like, I fucked your baby mama. Of course she fucked better than an actual dick.

And she was cheating, right? It's harder. Yeah, she's cheating. She corked it. She corked her strap-on? With a bigger dick. She drilled a hole in it and put a DeMarini in there. An aluminum bat.

You could tell by the ting. Ping. Yeah. Fuck. The rosin bag with her strap on. There's a lot of ways to cheat with a strap on. There's a bunch of pine tar at the base of her strap on. She looped it up with the pine tar.

She ripped it up. She was using spitballs. She was using the base of her strap on. She lubed it up with a pine tar. She was using spitballs. It's a great time to be alive, though, for exactly that reason. I mean, we're going to look back on this. It's a great time to be a lesbian. Well, a place.

It's a great place to be a lesbian? Yeah. America. America in general. Because, I mean, there's places where it's a crime to be homosexual. Saudi Arabia. Qatar. Yemen.

They have festivals I read about. Yemenese festivals. Yes. It's a dunk tank but it's for throwing stones at sick gay people. Oh my god. What was that? A Yemen aid stand.

Just you go up there and it's like, what's the Yemeni currency? Something like an Arab dollar or something. Oh, okay. Yeah, you pay like that for a few pebbles. Yeah, I remember I was in Yemen, Sana'a. Yeah? And like, my thing was I wanted to play very badly. The Yemen aid stand.

Like, I'm trying to, I'm navigating the moral, my moral compass. Yeah. She's going to be there. She's going to be on the Yemen aid stand regardless, so I might as well throw the stone, get some reps in. And what did it just do? It wouldn't hit her. It would just cause her to submerge in water. It would hit her.

Oh, man. I did. But better you than someone else. I mean, if she's going to get hit, you might as well try to work out your arm or just like... She's going to get hit regardless. It's like the train track paradox. Right.

What's the train track paradox again? That, yeah. Oh, the same thing. Same deal. Nah, it sucks to be gay here, too. I'm kidding. There was that kid in our class. He wrote a book about it.

There was a kid in our class that wrote a book about what? Just a gay experience in west virginia a book is a weird way to put it a memoir it was a suicide note yeah memoirs of a gay sean yeah it was sean mccormick yeah it was him and he didn't title it that no we called it he didn't title it anything. Oh, posthumously? He got right to the point. It was a sentence. He got right to the climax. Which was?

He's like, I'm killing myself. As if the corpse didn't. Memoirs of a gay Sean. That was one of the more normal names in our school, though. Sean, there was the steroid era, but when we were kids, we were growing up, there was like, everyone was naming steroid era, but when we were kids, we were growing up, everyone was naming their daughters after cities and international cities. West Virginia parents named their daughters after places they will never go or be invited to. Like what kind of places?

Paris. Paris. There was a lot of Paris. Brooklyn. There was like ten Brooklyns in my class. Nine in yours. Nine in mine. Yeah, you're right.

Even like Phoenix. There was a lot of Phoenix. Charlotte. Adelaide. It's very easy to go to Charlotte. Yeah, how far is that? That's just a couple hour drive. It doesn't even seem that far away.

I was just very optimistic. There was a... Sydney. Remember Sydney May? Skarnecchia? That was a double dip. She was gonna go to australia obviously right but may she she she died in april she was born in april and died in april sids of sids yeah she got sids god damn that poor bitch She got Sid's name.

God damn. That poor bitch. There was a lot of Mays. There was Cairo. We had a Cairo? Yeah. Stevenson. Cairo Stevenson? Yeah.

I can't believe you don't remember her. You've got to hit them up. College. College and McCormick. College and another McCormick? Yeah. The McCormick family was just So aspirational So many bloodlines

College, McCormick and her sister Library McCormick There was Graduation O'Grady I went to homecoming Very Irish class University McCoy Dentist McNabb Dentist Ann university mccoy dentist mcnab dentist and i went i went uh on a date to a bowling alley with ruth's chris ruth's chris bader ginsburg

that was exactly right she had to stick to ponderosa and golden corral yeah that poor bitch oh yeah poor girls rap concert rogerson what were the guys the guys were named they didn't they didn't follow the same scheme there was still a an umbrella it was like jobs that they'd have jobs that they would have so like there was like uh like rob and uh um was there was it there was a garfield in our class you'll never be a cat he was named after the dog od and he did no yeah they were i mean they were good at it parker he was a valet for years lost his license it's a shame yeah so yeah robin od fucking hunter fucking parker so the girls didn't go anywhere but you

had a a friend who did travel oh christian this is a real christian feldhaus he's half filipino and he went to visit his grandma and just because he was half everybody and it was like a rural filipino town everybody just thought he was danielcliffe. And he's like 6'5", and just half Filipino. His hair was messy, I guess. And they go for pictures? There's like his Instagram, you can scroll back.

There's a lot of pictures of him in the Philippines with girls freaking out. Holy shit. He said I could pull off Malfoy if I went. You could? Lucius?

Any of them. Why do they want everybody to be a Harryry potter character this is a 100 true story no it is because you always hear about people going to like china and getting bombarded yeah they think if they're like not chinese or white they're always throwing up the peace sign they got they got the they got the deuces like a decade late or no they've just been doing them forever really yeah it's all deuces it's exclusively deuces there's this when you guys are talking about gay kids in your high school

it reminded me of this gay kid in my high school who like he wasn't narcoleptic but he had like a heart condition where he would just pass out and fucking people got like so tired of it that like one time he like passed out like going up the stairs and someone just like shrugged him off it was like oh like i don't have time for this and he fell down the whole flight of stairs and like cracked his head open he was constantly passing out to the point of annoyance he like couldn't stop passing out and people were just like so fed up with it i got two weeks ago i got invited to an LGBTQ support group for alumnus of my high school, just with no context. Like a cyber group? Yeah, like a Zoom meeting.

Because they thought they were like owners, clearly. We had a kid who transferred into our high school who, you know how there's nudist colonies? He was raised on a clown colony. They were just all clowns. They traveled. It was like a troop. And so he was born and raised like a clown colony. It was almost like they were just all clowns. They traveled. It was like troop. And so he was born and raised in this clown culture. And I remember like –

The Barnum and Bailey's warehouse was in Dallas Pike, like 10 miles away from us. Yeah. So that's like where they would reside and like find work. It was just like – that's all he knew. And so like when he transferred into our school, he was homeschooled. I tried to chill with him. Like we went to walk around the Ohio Valley Mall. We went into Foot Locker and he was just what the what the fuck is this like all these fucking

baby shoes she wanted shoes for babies fucking no these are just yeah i remember you taking i'm i'm i'm i'm 17 he had some full-size shoes and like we picked him up in a Toyota Yaris. And he was just like, this is the biggest SUV I've ever seen. Where's all the people? Is this a fucking limo? A fucking whole village could live in here.

It's empty in here. At least only four of us. Transport. He had a girlfriend or a crush on a girl who had...acea, centralized rosacea. Well, she had vitiligo, so her face was just like porcelain, and then she had rosacea of the nose. Rhinofima. Yeah, she looked like a proboscis monkey.

A real thick red nose. She was like, he called dibs on her. She was like walking down the hall, and we just tried not to look at her. He was like, who is that? He just loved her. That horned up bastard. And he was like, dibs. And I was like, yeah.

Okay. We went to Perkins. He was like, what are these people doing eating these pies? The fuck? They're eating pies? Those are props. He gave the girl a flower was pissed that water didn't spray into her face afterwards one of the uncles was like super proud of it just brought a

bunch of goodell t-shirts for their family reunion didn't understand the context why does barstool love roger goodell so much why are they deifying him like this why do do they think he does not have that high of a career? He is not that successful. They see him on TV, like, just barefaced. He's naked! Go cover him up, for Christ's sake! What in the fuck? Why does this rack in front of the school have a bunch of welded together

unicycles? What the fuck is this? What is this double unicycle? He's fucking... You go to concerts, I go to shows. Mine's significantly cooler. I go to shows. Do you go to like raves? I went to Cascade last summer, two summers ago.

Alone? It was just people with binkies on and doing light shows in front of each other's faces. There was a rave on long island at nassau coliseum where the islanders used to play it was like ingroso who is what sebastian one of the swedish house mafia guys and it was when i was in like eighth grade so i wasn't old enough to go but it was like the biggest thing everyone went and it was supposed to go all night got shut down early people were getting stabbed with needles stabbed with needles yeah are you being serious i sort of got people

were getting stabbed is it like a hostile thing or just like a friend a pleasant injection like when you get dosed with like mushrooms or something like that no No, this was like HIV positive blood needles. They were stabbing them? They were stabbing them with AIDS? Yes. And what did they do? Because technically you can still enjoy the concert. Yeah, I don't think it hits you right away.

If you get injected with AIDS, do you go home? Yeah, it doesn't... You know, like... Just enjoy yourself for the time being. There's tweets that are like, this edible ain't shit. This AIDS ain't shit. I can barely feel this AIDS. Do you call your friend? Like a veteran with AIDS, you know to wait for it to kick in.

You got to wait for the AIDS to kick. Just wait. If you're not feeling the AIDS yet, just wait a little bit. You get dropped off at the concert. Do you call your mom? Mom, I guess you don't have to pick me up. That would fucking suck, though. concert or like call your mom like mom like i guess you don't have to pick me up i mean suck though like imagine you were like on the fence about going and your friends were like come on it'll be fun what's the worst that could happen your aids wasn't pure it had like sickle cell in it it's cut with sickle cell this is yeah 2004 with my boys that're at the goo goo dolls concert in buffalo this is he went the last three

years the biggest goo goo dolls fan i've ever met had a goo goo head he had a baby's black balloon tattooed on his wrist a john resnick fat head we were standing in line dizzy up the girl was his mantra at parties um someone injected them with aids are you serious yeah i was just like i was trying to be like the good friend i was like dude you got injected with aid let's get you to the hospital now and he was like nah dude you want to keep partying oh fuck that i feel like you gotta take it as like i don't want your sort of last night there's i said i looked him and i was like i said there's courage and then there's stupidity you're now bordering on stupidity you have nothing to prove man no he had nothing to lose and he looked at me with big tears in his

eyes and aids in his blood and he said you don't know me do you kyle this isn't about seeing the iris encore for the fourth summer in a row that's what you you think it's about that this is about living the rest of my life without knowing whether or not i could have pulled it off then it started thunderstorming. Yeah. It's that very famous concert, is it not? Yeah. He's in the YouTube thumbnail. Really?

I'm about to look at the YouTube thumbnail and see if I can pick out which one is different. He's the one that just got AIDS. You can tell. There's a look a man gets. He's full of AIDS. You just get a tattoo and it's scabbed. It's the same with AIDS. You're just like, There's a look a man gets. He's full of AIDS. You just get a tattoo and it's scabbed. It's the same with AIDS. There's a look.

The swelling hasn't gone down. Are you all right, dude? No. Actually, no. Is there anything I can do? No. Surely somebody can help. Mm-mm.

Mm-mm. But they didn't have Truvada for prep back then, so he was really just fucked. Taking Truvada for prep before the Goo Goo Dolls. It's like Revitalite. You have half before,

half in the morning. What's your five best age remedies? I like to take a Truvada for prep right before bed and a nice tall glass of water or something greasy to eat. The emergency tent. You just go there and like, I have AIDS. People are just like dehydrated.

They took too much Molly. Yeah, they're getting IVs. They're like, yeah, we shouldn't do this. Alcohol poisoning and he shows up and like, I guess it's an emergency. I don't know what you can do, but I have AIDS. Just got it. Getting transported from the concert. The medics are like, yeah, I mean, this one's just wasted.

I think this one's on drugs. And then, yeah, this one has AIDS. What's wrong with this guy? He's fully conscious. Yeah, it's bad. What could they with this guy? He's fully conscious. Yeah, it's bad. Yeah. What could they do, though? Do you want us to put you on a stretcher?

No, I can just walk to the emergency tent. I'll just drop myself to the emergency room. I'll call a cab. Just drop myself to the Mayo Clinic. Completely cognizant. Check myself in. They probably gave more attention to the guy who's tripping his balls off on LSD.