A New Untold Story - A New Untold Story: Ep. 230 - Mark Mattness

Episode Date: March 19, 2021

|| A New Untold Story: Ep. 230 || The boys break down this year's Mark Mattness bracket!!! || Producer: Tyler GoochmanYou can find every episode of this show on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or YouTube. Prime Members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. For more, visit barstool.link/anuspodcast

Hey, A New Untold Story listeners, you can find every episode on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or YouTube. Prime members can listen to ad-free on Amazon Music. Kyle? Yo, Kyle. Hold up, hold up. Focus, please. The fuck is good? You could use some focus, and wouldn't it be great if there was a pocket-sized guide that helped you focus better?

Um... For the sake of this conversation, yes Yeah, me too Luckily there is A little tiny book Do you have 10 minutes? Yes Well if you do, Headspace can change your life

Oh, this is about Headspace Yeah, Headspace is your daily dose of mindfulness In a form of guided meditations In an easy to use app Headspace is the only meditation app Advancing the field of mindfulness and meditation through clinically validated research. So whatever the situation, Headspace can really help you feel better.

Kyle, you overwhelmed? Yes. Well, Headspace has a three-minute SOS meditation for you. Kyle, do you need help falling asleep? Yes. Well, Headspace has wind-down sessions. Wait, I'm the guy who has Headspace, so no. But if I didn't, I would.

I have the app. You're right. All my tablets. All my phone, all my tablets. Yeah, you do. But if I didn't, I would. I have the app. You're right. All my tablets. All my phone, all my tablets. Yeah, you do. You have it on all your devices. Headspace has wind-down sessions their members swear by.

And for parents, Headspace even has morning meditations you can do with your kids. Headspace's approach of mindfulness can reduce stress, improve sleep, boost focus, and increase your overall sense of well-being.

They did send us a code for Headspace for us to use, and it's been awesome, actually. I've been falling asleep fast. You've been using that code. Yeah. You had to use it just once. The code? Yeah.

Well, yeah. You used it once, and then it was game over. Then you had Headspace, and you're falling asleep fast. Every night. Well, we're not giving away that code. That code gave us a year of free Headspace. Oh, we got that code. Yeah. Okay. Yeah, so I did only have to use that once. But I use Headspace every night. Well, we're not giving away that code. That code gave us a year of free Headspace. Oh, we got that code. Yeah.

Okay. Yeah, so I did only have to use that once. But I use Headspace every night. It's helped me out a lot, being overwhelmed, you know. You and I have stressful jobs. We work hard. Yeah, we do. And so this is a necessity for you and I, and it's backed by 25 published studies on

its benefits. And it has 600,000 five-star reviews and over 60 million downloads six wait how many five-star reviews 600 000 that's more than every single person in wyoming yeah yeah it is it's like washington dc how how well it makes that's just the five stars please let me finish this headspace makes it easy for you to build a life-changing meditation practice with mindfulness that works for you on your schedule anytime anywhere we love our listeners and they deserve to feel happier and headspace and headspace is meditation made simple go to headspace.com slash anus wrong story s-t-o-rY. That's headspace.com slash story for free one-month trial with access to Headspace's full library of meditations for every situation. That is, again, headspace.com slash story, S-T-O-R-Y, for a free one-month trial.

Is that your reply to what I'm going to say? No, you're just going to say, like, no, that's a new one-told story. Hey, is that story old or told? No, baby. That's a's a new untold story. Yeah, yeah. Hey, is that story old or told? What? No, baby. It's a new untold story. A new untold story.

It's a fresh-baked untold story. A new untold story. Did I eat your leftovers in the fridge? Yes Yes, I was hungry Were they good? It was a community fridge Were they good? Incredible

Good answer That was on the fence I had to think back Guess what restaurant I got that from It had to be, I'm thinking five star One of those fucking Michelin starred Is it Ruth's Chris? Nah, it was Nick's I'm thinking five star, one of those fucking Michelin starred. Is it Ruth's Chris?

Nah, it was Nick's. My restaurant. I made it in my own kitchen. You have your own restaurant? No, no, no. Might as well because I made that with HelloFresh. With HelloFresh, you get fresh pre-measured ingredients and mouth-watering seasonal recipes delivered right to your door. Those recipes came right to my door, and it lets me skip the trips to the grocery store.

You know I get nervous in grocery stores. And it makes home cooking easy, fun, and affordable. That's why it's America's number one food kit. Now. But you have to be your own chef. Wouldn't that be like a very tough and stressful job for you? Kyle, you have no idea how fucking stupid you sound. Because HelloFresh cuts out stressful meal planning and grocery store tips. You can enjoy cooking and get dinner on the table in about, hell, 30 minutes or less.

It has 25 plus recipes to choose from each week, so there's something for everyone to enjoy. They're designed and tested by professional chefs and nutritional experts to ensure deliciousness and simplicity. Hand up. I feel stupid. You, sir, win the internet for the day. I do. I win the internet for the day. And it's all because of my rice pilaf that you scarfed down.

Isn't that right? It was damn good. I scarfed down your rice pilaf that I thought was from a very, very luxurious five-star restaurant, but it was actually from your kitchen? You know how you can pay me back, friend? How could I ever pay you back? You can go to HelloFresh.com slash Untold1212. Use code Untold12, that's the number one, two, for 12 free meals.

That sounds like I'm paying myself back. You do have to pay for shipping. I'm getting it. Psych, it's free, Kyle. Yes. So that's HelloFresh.com slash Untold12. That's code Untold12 for 12 free meal kits. It's America's number one meal kit, Kyle.

You know that. Coley, this is, are we recording right now? Just a heads up, this is our bracket episode. So we're doing, did you tell him? No. We're doing Mark Mattness. So it's Marks versus Matts. In between.

Yeah. Okay. All right. And you're hosting. You are hosting. You have more experience with this. Yeah. So take it away.

Yeah, take it away. Do you have more experience with this? Yeah. So take it away. Yeah, take it away. Welcome back to Mark Madness. Yeah, that was great. Anything else you want to add?

Nope, I'm out of here. I'll see you guys later. All right, man. Thank you. No, it's Mark Madness. We will be doing a bracket reveal right now. We have two play-in games, just like the actual... Well, this is the actual bracket.

The other one's phony. We'll start with the play-in games. Before we start, are there any Marks or Matts that you think should be no-brainers that are in this bracket? I think just Mark. The original Mark. The first Mark? Of the Bible? Yeah, the biblical Mark. The first Mark of the Bible?

Yeah, the biblical Mark. He was on the bubble. Let's see if he made it in. It's our play in games. It's two four seeds, actually. It's Mark David Chapman, killer of John Lennon, versus Mark Wahlberg. So there are some parallels.

Mark Wahlberg. So there are some parallels. Mark David Chapman killed a man who was in love with an Asian woman. And Mark Wahlberg didn't kill. He hates Asian people. I think he beat a man close to death. The man is blind now. Very Asian. Very blind. Yeah, very blind.

Yeah, so that hurt Mark Wahlberg's stock. He was good in that Transformers movie, though, so that's why he's on. Well, let's be careful. He might be with an earshot of Coley right now. He may very well be. He's down the block. It's 1984 in Boston, and it's all Mark Wahlberg looking at you through traffic light cams. At least 75 relatives, or at least people who claim you're next to somebody in his degree of separation.

Yeah. May very well be you. But who's to say? As for that one, I think I would go Chapman. Chap based on what? He finished glasses. He finished what he started okay um you know i i guess that's jared leto played him it's always an honor to have jared leto play you some of the best have had leto play him that is true coley i know you're a you're a walberg guy

so look i feel like we don't even know about the walberg thing if he didn't try and open up that stupid fucking burger place in oregon where they make you relive your court case anytime you want to open a business out there yeah so his own greed is gonna cost him the loss here i'm going with chapman you're going chapman chapman moves on so that's exciting uh i wasn't sure if i was expecting that i'm sure a lot't sure if I was expecting that. I'm sure a lot of listeners back home were expecting Wahlberg to be one or a two seed. Let's get to our other playing game on the other side of the bracket here. We have Mark by Mark Jacobs, the perfume. So that's two Marks, really.

Is that a perfume, a cologne? It's a fragrance. I think it's a fragrance versus another fashion icon, Polo, Marco Polo. And a great pool game. I hated it. You hated it? Yeah. You were probably all, what were you?

Well, I was the one that had to close my eyes, and my friends just always got out of the pool. Yeah, that's the move, yeah. I couldn't swim, and I don't like to not be able to see, so. That's a bad combo. Coley, mark by mark. What do you yell when people are outside? Aren't you supposed to yell something if you hear people?

Out of water. Fish out of water. Fish out of water? Yeah, but they can just lie. They could lie. Oh, you have to lie. If you don't lie, the man's eyes are closed. Actually, I take it back.

It's a bad pool game. I would rather just float than play Marco Polo. I would rather just dip my toes in. Terrible pool game. The Mark by Mark Jacobs is the one that is like Mark by Mark Jacobs. For Mark Jacobs. For Mark Jacobs. By Mark Jacobs.

In collaboration with Mark Jacobs. By Mark Jacobs. Yeah, it had a lot of Mark Jacobs. Was that a troll? I don't know. I've never met the man. Has he taken the piss at other designers who like to plaster their name all over things?

He might have been. He's not a British man, is he? Taken the piss? Yeah. Is Marc Jacobs? You don't have to be British to take the piss. Yes, you do. You're appropriating right now.

That's fine. We can appropriate from them. That's okay. We actually can, yeah. All right, so, Coley? Give me – Mark Jacobs was just like, my name is so strong, you're going to hear it 70 times on this one-by-two-and-a-half-inch tag. And there's something strong about an M-A-R-C.

He's proud to be a Mark. Yes, he is proud to be a Mark, and that's what it's all about. That earns him a spot in Mark Madden. It ends more masculine. I don't know, the C, it just does it. All right, you guys. All right, so then we have our 16. We have our 16.

So this is a 16-team bracket. The play-ins are done. No real surprises for me. Chalk so far, I guess. Chalk so far. But now let's get to the one verse eight, if you like. We have Mark Twain. That's our number one mark versus the last mark, K. Marco.

Keith Marco. I mean, Mark Twain is one of the most famous authors of all time. The most famous American author. But he did – he shamelessly used the N-word. And to this day, teachers will make kids say it. They want it to be preserved. They do make – they stress how important it is. They do.

Yeah, you can't – you have to say this. Stand up to class. I would always look ahead and be like, who wants to read next? And nobody put their hand up. That's the only loophole they have left yeah i remember yeah in west virginia white rappers are just going to start doing audiobooks of huck finn so they can say it he's quoting twain um and then verse k marco who uh well in this scenario i like to imagine mark twain as a barstool blogger like barstool mark or like barstool mark the twain man

wake up with chapter four word seven of The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn. And this is – he wants it to be the first wake-up blog, so he posts that at like 3 a.m. Yeah. K. Marco, he has to edit it properly. Does he let – does he stop that? I think if he's well-rested. If he's well-rested, but 3 a.m coley and we're putting the current editor-in-chief on the spot yeah we are we are actually it's the constant battle is

like true talent versus someone who's gonna you know toe that line so like how would i i tell you what our comment section would love twain they would finally finally finally a common man who gets mark twain is the most common twain yeah this twain man barstool marcus is the first guy who actually gets it um yeah and i think i mean fuck um what would twain's name be like because we had like the original writers were all just like barstool nate but as we get closer to newer hires like you have what would twain's like little sasquatch yeah what would it be what was his does he have a nom de plume? I don't think so. His name was just Mark Twain.

Yeah, yeah. Like, every podcast at Barstool has to be a pun. So, like, Make It Twain would be his, like, gambling podcast. Make It Twain. Mark It Twain. Just very bad. I'm going to go Twain here he's brave i'm going markovitch he put he he is the reason i'm allowed to write on this site i'm gonna stay loyal to my staying loyal yeah kyle this is not about who i like markovitch more but Twain is he transcends generations um I don't know if he was officially

canceled he he hasn't been has he I believe so I just want to see him in the elite eight you want to see Twain in the elite eight all right Twain's moving on next up we have our play-in game winner, Mark David Chapman versus an acronym, M-A-R-K. Owen, you put him on this bracket. Yes. Sports talk show hosts can argue until they're blue in the face about who the GOAT is. Michael Jordan, LeBron James, et cetera. Yeah. There's only one unanimous mark, and that's Ted Bundy. The most attractive rapist slash killer.

Yeah. M-A-R-K. David Chapman versus M-A-R-K. Mark David Chapman killed Len. Mark David Chapman killed one Beatle. Ted Bundy killed 36 just regular women. I might be north of that. Yeah.

He did. Yeah. One good Beatle is worth three dozen. He was played by Zac Efron. How much is one Beatle worth to you, Coley? Like, if it were a Ringo, I don't think we're talking about him still. But a Lennon. Right.

Like, there's tears within the like you can't just kill a you can't just kill harrison while he's looking down strumming the guitar that doesn't count no you can yeah it's lennon it's a lennon or mccartney the other two it's like yeah good for you so he killed the beetle yeah i i feel like that's hitting a home run off pedro martinez versus like me currently going down to my local Little League complex and socking dingers. But who did you say? You said Jared Leto played him? We have Efron playing Ted Bundy.

I mean, what are we doing here? That was straight to Netflix. That was straight to Netflix. Are we arguing the better killer? The most notorious killer? Or the morally better person? He was the first of his kind. Nobody had the glitz and the glamour.

I still think I have to go Chapman here. It's like the trolley problem. Do you kill one beetle or 36 women? You have the lever. You have the lever. Your hand on the lever. It's about to run over John Lennon. Do you revert it off track to kill just 36 nurses?

Middle school teachers and nurses. Fuck. My hand. I'd be sweating. Elementary school teachers. You're right. So here's. Mark David Chapman is an ugly man, and he still found fame.

He's a pudgy, chubby man, and they did the same thing. He did it. He found fame and did less of what Bundy did. Significantly less, but did he have more fun? I mean he got to meet his favorite person. Yeah. He was the last person to meet him. Yeah.

He was the last person to meet John Lennon. Are there Mark David Chapman fans? Stands? Yeah, I bet. I would imagine. I bet. Oasis fans, probably. All right.

I'm going DC. All right. DC? DC. Same. David Chapman? Yeah. Owen?

Sure. No, come on. Just say who you want. You want Bundy. I want Bundy. You want Bundy? I got to go David Chapman. I'm sorry about Bundy.

All right, David Chapman moves on, four seed, from the playing game. Now he's, wow, that's impressive. Cinderella run. Sometimes the playing games help. You get momentum. Yeah, absolutely. All right, next we have a mark. We have Drew Brees' birthmark, the one that Oprah mistook for lipstick

and tried to wipe it off in an interview. My favorite clip of all time. I watch it every day. Versus – so we have a face nook and we have it versus a face book, Mark Zuckerberg. Okay. So Mark Zuckerberg has the fatter ass, but Mark Zuckerberg did whiteface on that surfboard. He did whiteface. And what do you think is more recognizable?

What do you mean? The Breeze's birthmark or just Zuckerberg? Because I feel like the vast majority of people don't, they wouldn't be able to pick out Zuckerberg from a crowd. I think you could. I think Zuckerberg almost draws the eye with how non-human he looks. He's so plain looking that it's unique. It looks foreign. I want

to watch Mark Zuckerberg make a me when he got his Nintendo Wii. He would start up the Wii and then he'd be like alright, I'm done. Yeah, that's good. Yeah, there he is. Can we take away the one sliver for hair? I need a straight line.

I don't know. Mark Zuckerberg, yeah, he is so plain. Baseline for a creative character. He stands out. That's identical. And he needs it to be less. The breeze is plain, too. He has the birthmark.

And I think it takes away from his resume. The facial mar. See, I don't think he gets drafted without that. I think people look at him and they're just like another six-foot guy, no thank you. He did a lot for the city of New Orleans. Mark Zuckerberg has done a lot for the entire country of China. Yeah, that is true. That's what they say about him.

That is what they say about him. Now, Breeze will make the Hall of China. Yeah, that is true. That's what they say about him. Now, Breeze will make the Hall of Fame. And I don't know if his birthmark is raised or lowered. It might just be a pigment. On his bust, will it be immortalized as well? The bust makers of the world, very hit or miss.

They are. What the hiring process is if they even check port do you have a portfolio of your previous busts i don't know i don't they are some look fantastic and some look just like what was the ronaldo one yeah it looks like a dolly painting i'll i'll be honest here it shouldn't be that hard in today's day and age to make a statue. You could just 3D print them and then mold it. Especially statues. How long have statues been being made?

Incredibly, too. Yeah. We've gone off track. Zuckerberg? Zuckerberg or Breesburg, Mark. Coley, start this one if you're ready. It's two people I don't care for. Yeah.

Like I'd almost rather put Bundy over the two of them. But that's – Listen, that's – In an ideal world. In an ideal – That's the bracket game. That's the bracket. I can't –

Zuckerberg stinks, so give me Breeze. Yeah, I was going to go Breeze as well. This is also not Breeze. This is his birthmark. This is just his birthmark. Excuse me. I'm going to go Breeze. Yeah, I was going to go Breeze as well. This is also not Breeze. This is just his birthmark. This is just his birthmark. Right. Excuse me. I'm going to go Breeze.

Sure. Zuckerberg. Zuckerberg. It's a tie. It's a tie. Well. Well. That was.

No, I didn't. Then I'd take that back. Yeah, I don't want to deal with Tyler. Okay, yeah. Wow, it's a landslide. Yeah, wow. Unanimous. Holy shit.

All right, now we have another mark. We have Chrissy Teigen stretch marks that she was so brave to share. And then we have that versus another acronym. We have this versus our, is this our first mat? This is our first mat. We have an acronym, MAT. This is Muhammad Ali's tremor. Of course.

For his Parkinson's. So it's two afflictions. Parkinson's. So two afflictions. No, no, not afflictions. Chrissy posted it. It was just like this is what she normalized. This is what women have. This is what the female body looks like. Yeah.

And she got all the articles about it. It's Tegan. It's not close. She's a woman. Sure. But Muhammad Ali... His tremors. What more can you say about Muhammad Ali's tremors?

There was a stigma with tremors before he carried that torch. It went out quickly as he was carrying it due to the gust. Who did Chris? It's like one of those birthday candles that you can't blow out. That's the torch he needed. Who did Chrissy beat in the play-in game? Marcus Mumford? She beat Marcus Mumford.

I think Mumford deserved it. To win? Yes. Marcus Mumford, is he the main Mumford? I think he is the main. Let's, yeah. What are you saying here? Mumford and Son

versus Park and Son. Fuck, that storyline would have been great. You didn't even have to singularize Son. No, you could have. Yeah, I know. I should have just kept them both as is. You could have kept them both as is. Yeah, you could have done.

No, I'm glad you did that. One son versus a single tremor. No, you made that much easier for the people to digest. Well, okay. So what went into both of those things? Chrissy Teigen took bravery. Well, and just existence, fame, birth, childbirth. Muhammad took a lot of legendary wins

yeah the best wins of all time in any sport but did he ever perform a miracle like childbirth Coley

Coley not to my knowledge he didn't no I had the poster of him the black and white poster of him yeah

I think everybody had that yeah I bet yeah everybody had that yeah i bet yeah everybody had that uh coley who do you got it's just crazy how much more comfortable i am making michael j fox jokes than muhammad is yeah something about it i don't have an explanation why i should be equally as comfortable oh jay fox is still alive is he not he is yeah yeah he's still he's still going on ellen and stuff alive what yeah he's been battling it forever too it seems like muhammad did he have it for a long time those olympics were 96 okay so at least yeah from then until he died um

but yeah give me chrissyigen. I think I own her. She's a woman. Okay. Owen. Teigen. It is nothing against women. I'm going Ali. I think he's the greatest athlete of all time.

You do. I think that what we're fighting for is a result of that. But what's... Sure, anybody can be the greatest athlete of all time. Yeah. Anyone can. Only a select few can be famous for your looks than write a cookbook. So I'm going Tegan.

She's hilarious on Twitter. Gift of life. Where do you think we got all these marks and mats? She retweeted one of your blogs before. She's the reason I work at Barstool. She's hilarious on Twitter. What do you think we got all these marks and mats? She retweeted one of your blogs before. She's the reason I work at Barstool. She gave me a boost. She did give you a boost. All right, Tegan moves on.

All right, to the other side of the bracket. This one's more mat-heavy, I believe. We have a maternal grandfather, maternal grandfather, who still has a full head of hair. So that's good genetically. Yeah. Versus the four-leaf clover. That's the one seed on this side versus Matt Lauer with a dick full of cum.

So Matt Lauer, yes. Yeah, again, we have another. Let's give the best scenario for each so you're you're 26 24 maybe and you just meet your maternal grandfather didn't didn't know who he was and you're you're anxious about balding you're you're afraid and you see him full head the best hairline that is a great feeling. He's your new hero. Yeah, you've been macrodosing for him for no reason. You were taking finasteride for the last three years, and you see him, and you're like, holy fuck, maybe not.

Maybe not. And then, Matt, I think we have to be in Matt's shoes to make this be a positive thing. Sure, okay. In Matt's pants. Why don't you take the side? I'll be devil's advocate. I this be a positive thing. Sure, okay. In Matt's pants. Why don't you take the side? I'll be devil's advocate. I'll be against Matt Lauer. Why don't you

say you're pitcher pro Lauer? The best case... We can't overstate how full his dick is with cum. It's one of those things. It's the perfect amount. It's the perfect amount. It's the perfect amount.

Okay, so you're Matt Lauer from his perspective. And he's bald. Very. Yeah, but handsome. I'm trying to spin this the right way. I'm now just picturing if your dick just to the very brim was yeah that's how it worked the balls are just accessories knocking on the door yeah it's not he's ready to go he's walking into nbchq

what did he do? He's erect. I feel like he has to be. Can we agree that he's erect? It would take an incredible upset. Is he flaccid with a dick full of cum? Matt Lauer has upset a ton of people, but I don't know in this case he will.

The maternal grandfather with a full head of hair is a powerhouse. Mine died too early to find out. That's a beacon of hope. My grandfathers both died with very full heads of hair, but young because of cancer. And it was an aggressive – and it's genetic. So both sides of my family. So – but I do have thick hair.

Yeah, the age-old question. Would you rather be bald or ravaged by cancer? Not a cell in your body doesn't have it. They all just lay down there. They're cell walls. They're like, come on in. They all just lay down there. They're cell walls.

They're like, come on in. You have $1,000 left in your bank account. Chemo or Fleischman's? So that's like what? Half a Fleischman's haircut or two rounds of chemo. That's Jeff D'Lo's weekly budget. Yeah. I'm going maternal grandfather. Jeff D'Lo buys his haircuts on a firm.

He's not taking chemotherapy. That's not an option for him. No, no, no. Oh, yeah, we're going the maternal grandfather. And I'm afraid the Lauer stands in our mentions are going to be off the – Jeff D. Loeb was a former co-worker. With Lauer. At NBC.

I'm sure this – yeah, if Jeff could talk. But he won't. Matthew. All right, next up is a – He's looking full. Next up is a new Untld story regular in stories. Dead Marcus. He died in a jailbroken hurricane simulator in a mall.

No, he jailbroke the hurricane simulator. He jailbroke the hurricane simulator. He was a tech guru. Oh, no, he jailbroke the hurricane simulator. He died in Spencer Gifts. Yeah, in an epileptic fit. He was scrolling through the posters too fast. He was just Marcus before.

I can't stress that enough. He didn't earn that nickname. He didn't earn it until his death. Then he immediately earned it. And, Coley, if we get to 10,000 reviews on our podcast, we are all getting rest in peace dead Marcus tattoos in a beautiful script right over the chest. I'm not going to do it on my chest. We'll get it somewhere on us. Rest in peace dead Marcus tattoos. And a beautiful script right over the chest. So I'm not going to do it on my chest.

We'll get it somewhere on us. Rest in peace, dead Marcus. And that's against the most popular. He was the most popular kid in our school. He was. And this was the most popular accessory is what he's up against. Hero,

heroin track marks. Okay. So on the fold of the arm, just, yeah, like right off the bat, I off the bat I gotta go with my guy dead Marcus not alive Marcus we do have an alive Marcus

wait no is alive Marcus alive? he is still hated him he's still kicking I gotta i gotta go dead marcus too because he got that hurricane simulator in the mall up to insane speed there's something admiral about about dying doing what you love i think it's something what were the posters he loved looking at the posters and spencer he was so poor he couldn't afford any and he just loved the uh the periodic table of beers and i what was

the other one those have the best like retention rate of out of any product in the world they haven't changed in the last three decades the same posters yeah they are coley did you ever have us you had a you were a boondock saint kid 100 oh how dare you what What? How dare you? Your UMass dorm was covered in Spencer's posters. Oh, I had like the Guinness, like, toucan. Oh, yeah, that's in there. On his bill. That guy cracks me up. What's the one, like, have two beers, kids in India have none or something?

Finish your beer, there's starving kids in India. Which is a weird correlation. And that's a weird thing to put on a poster. Yeah, I'm going dead Marcus here. Have to. I mean, we didn't even talk about his competition in this match.

The heroin track marks. Yeah. The kids in our high school, the fold of their arms the opposite side of their elbows looked like it was just a page from a braille book they were it was bumpy it was it felt like a a raised globe and uh it was bad they were we had a lot of oozing classmates i was gonna suggest did we have the ooziest in the county yes yeah

oozy class we had the ooziest class arm wise they weren't bothered by the ooze they were the same kids who in preschool would come with like the Kool-Aid stains on their mouth and the remnants of other juices track marks are the adult Kool-Aid stains on their mouth and the remnants of other juices.

Track marks are the adult Kool-Aid stain. Yeah. Well put. Coley, what are you going with? You never met Dead Marcus. Never will. No, I've seen a lot of track marks, though, so they're everywhere. They are.

They'll beat you down. They will beat you down. They will beat you down. I'm calling track marks. Owen, they run a full court press style defense they absolutely do full 40 minutes um i have to go dead marcus obviously never got to meet him but i've heard nothing but the best so i'm torn uh i love dead marcus Always will. You always have, yeah. Always have. But Heroin Trackmarks literally and figuratively move the needle for me.

So I'm going Trackmarks. 2-2. 2-2. Kyle, your vote counts as 2. I'm easily swayed, boys. It's Dead Marcus. It is Dead Marcus. And in his memory

Kill him again Get him out of the room Oh my god Dead Marcus you're out of here Dead Marcus Died twice Heroin track marks with an upset Four over five

Five over four The black tar heels are dancing The black tar heels The UNC black tar Is the uncle The the unc yeah my uncle hunky black talk all right next up we have uh another matt we have a two-seed matthew broderick versus a mark the lane markings in the united Kingdom, which have beat him before. He's known for driving on the wrong side of the road.

Wait, explain. Okay, so he, vehicular manslaughter on broader... Yeah, he was inebriated in the UK driving on the wrong side of the road, killed a human being. He did, but it was the lanes. It was the lanes, not the alcohol. It's hard to beat a team twice. It is hard to beat a team twice.

There's an international, there's a difference too. Like they drive on the left in the UK and they call it like a trolley. They call the line something different. It's hard to blame him. It is hard to blame him. The lane markings in the UK are confusing and that will – it's beat him in the past. But Matthew Broderick is married to sarah jessica parker who is much wealthier than him and so he knows how to win ugly he did he did

he's done it yeah and he'll do it again so i gotta uh but uh he was in mousetrap which was the first movie i ever saw in a drive-in, and it was super disappointing. Or Mouse Hunt. Mouse Hunt. I thought it was about the board game. Yeah, I was thinking that. Coley, what do you think? That says it all. I mean, yeah, you talk about two titans who have clashed in the past.

That Piccadilly Circus, I don't know if I could make it out of there alive myself. No chance. I'm going the lane markings. Oh, shit. Yeah.

I'm looking at Broderick's measurements. He's 5'8". Yeah. I said it's hard to beat a team. That's me. These markings

might just be a dynasty. The markings are good. But if he was in a car that's right-hand drive as well, you can't forget that you're in England. His circadian rhythm was off. Is that what it was? Yeah. Okay. It wasn't the BAC.

Well, then, yeah, if your circadian rhythm's off, you should be exonerated for all crimes. You're not to blame for your actions. I'm going Broderick. He was in Ferris bueller's day off sure um i'm gonna go to the lane markings i was picturing a completely different actor this whole time were you yeah who were you picturing oh fuck um yeah was it a matthew yeah i'll get back to you perry leblanc. I'll have to think about it. Give me Broderick.

Broderick. I like Bueller. I'm going to change my vote. Broderick's going on. People are going to be livid, because people look forward to this every year that we do it. The Mark Matt news. So next we have the play-in-game winner, Mark by Mark Jacobs. That is the sixth seed.

It's the sixth cent. And then we also have the sixth sense. have matt knight shamalan matthew knight shamalan yeah uh yeah so the the king of twists uh i was thinking of matt dillon you're thinking of matt dillon yeah yeah okay don't know why. Common mistake. That's never been done. He had a three-way with champagne and some movie that old folk get horny about. Swingers? Yeah, something like that. I don't know.

I don't know if he's even been in that. Okay, so we have Matthew Knight, Shyamalan versus Mark by Mark Jacobs. I think the biggest twist of his life would be if his first name was Matt. Yeah, I'm Matt. I'm not even Indian. I'm from Las Cruces, New Mexico. And for those who are fans,

I mean, people that may compare this to KB's blog about Mike Mike-ness. I never did that. Didn't you do Michael Knight Shyamalan? That was a mistake. It was a mistake. It's Matt. It's Matthew.

Matthew Knight Shyamalan. Shyamalan. Let's talk. What was his greatest twist? Was it The Sixth Sense? I think it was. I don't know. What was the one in Signs?

I don't know. What was the one in Signs? So Signs, that was crazy because it's tough to write a movie and make... Was it Mel Gibson in that? Yeah. It's tough to make Mel Gibson look like he hates an entire race or species.

And so he did that. And it was a tough hurdle. Common cinephiles were like, the twist in this movie is that the aliens are allergic to water. No. It's that Mel Gibson is allergic to Jewish people. So that was the

ultimate twist. Yes it was. Good on him. What was the one The Village? Was that it? Yeah that was polarizing reviews. That was bad. Did he do The Mist? He did the, what was the other fucking one? The Avatar.

That was like zero on one. Oh, Avatar, The Last Airbender. Yeah, he whitewashed Avatar. That was Matt? That was Matt. And then we're against, again, Marc Jacobs, which is, I think, a woman's scent. It has to be, because they make like. And you love to sniff, again, Marc Jacobs, which is, I think, a woman's scent. It has to be, because they make, like... And you love to sniff broads, Kyle.

Yeah, I do. And what are they? The $800 bags. The eyeliner. His bags are $800. The nail polish. Yeah. Cole, are you finding it?

Looks like you're researching Marc. Yeah know i'm i'm i'm on matt still he wrote the screenplay for stewart little oh talking about this it's matt in a wash it's matt night in a wash stewart little yeah it's yeah yeah he did store a little matt yeah all right matt night shamalon uh so that's pretty chalk bracket uh on the right side here it's all right yeah let's get to the uh the elite eight we have a mark twain versus mark david chapman the uncancellable mark Twain versus David Chapman. I don't think Chapman's been canceled either.

Well, he hasn't. He was murdered. That's the ultimate cancellation. Was he not shot or is he still alive? Was he murdered? I think you're thinking of Jack Ruby. Nick's thinking of Jack Ruby. I always am.

No, I'm thinking of Matt Dillon. Mark David Chapman's alive. 64 years old. A lot of us have fathers younger or older than him. I feel like he had a harder path to get to the Elite Eight. He might be a little worn out. I've got to say, his most recent photo, he's lost a lot of weight. He should do a side- side before and after uh yeah so

wait a minute mark david chapman was married to an asian woman as well that's that is a matt knight shamalon twist um i think i'm gonna go with uh I think I'm going to go with Twain. I'm going Twain. Does Twain have Nobel Prizes? We should have done any bit of research. No. Wait a minute.

Mark Twain was his pen name? Yeah. His name's Samuel Langhorne Clemens. He's forfeited. He's forfeited. He's forfeited. Yeah. I hate this, but yeah. Chapman moves on by default.

DC. Next, we have Drew Brees' birthmark versus Chrissy Teigen's stretch marks. Ooh. This is, people were, these are rivals. Heated rivals. This is an earn, not given type situation. Did Chrissy Teigen ever call out Drew Brees? I think via quote tweet.

Yeah, I think she may have. I can't tell because she's private on Twitter sometimes. So we couldn't fact check that. Do you not follow Chrissy Teigen? No, I don't follow Chrissy Teigen. Yes, she follows me. Does she? I like her. Well then then are you going to vote for her didn't in the first round didn't in the first round

no she knows she knows what i'm up to it's all funny um yeah chrissy tegan you're on chrissy tegan owen Chrissy Teigen. You're going Chrissy Teigen? Mm-hmm. Owen. Coley. Coley. He passed. I'm going back to Kyle, see if he's changed his mind. Kyle.

You just picked up a call. What's up? You never call me. Why are you calling me? It can't be. What's up? You never call me. Why are you calling me? What's up? What is this? That was Brandon Walker. I just got a prank call.

I mean, it's not a prank call. Like, you can't mistake that voice. Go suck an egg? Hey, KB, this is your doctor. It's Brandon. Did he, like, star 67 it? No, it was his name coming up. So he just called you. Disruptor, we're going to have to edit that out.

Sorry, Owen. Looks like you're having a late night. Yep. I don't know. Drew Brees knows how to win. He's also had some run-ins with some bad officiating. I'm going to say this again. What?

Oprah thought his birthmark was makeup and tried to wipe it off on her show. Brees. That's so funny. It's so funny. She tried to wipe off a birthmark with her thumb. Yeah. Did she lick it? Yes.

She licked her thumb? She said, yeah, you have makeup. Wiped off. That makes me feel like it's not that like profound to mark if people are trying to wipe it off all the time i'm going stretch marks though you're not confusing those any yeah yeah we're going stretch marks this is a huge up to the final four tegan to the final four jesus christ all right next we have a maternal grandfather with a full head of hair versus heroin track marks oh yeah you wouldn't expect these two to

me these are two very different play styles yes it absolutely are um but maternal grandpa with a full head of hair is just so strong it's huge the reassurance it gives you this yeah this i think that should be the number one overall twain was he was the number two overall okay introducing your significant other to a grandfather with a full head of hair could be more promising than like showing her you or you have generational wealth. Yes. Yes. That's something that's huge. Coley? Would you become addicted to heroin for that grandfather? Like to have that grandfather in your life?

You tell us. Do you? I'm on heroin and I have hair? Yeah, I mean, do you lose your hair? Wait, do I want a full head of hair And do I want to feel the ultimate pleasure A human can feel Yes Chasing that first high

With a full head of hair All I have to do is wear three quarter sleeves and nobody knows And I'm constipated I hate pooping I lose a bunch of weight You're skinny. You're skinny. And skinny dudes look awesome in baseball tees.

You're skinny, hot, and you're euphoric. You're basically, yeah, you're a rock star. Like, they just hand you a guitar if you have all those things. Yeah. Benny from Sandlot. I'm taking maternal grandpa. Stamp. Might be a sweep.

Yeah, it has to be. Has to be. But we did touch on the benefits of heroin. So that's cool. We have Matthew Broderick, Known Murderer Matthew Broderick, and Matt Night Shyamalan. Let's compare movies. Let's compare movies. The Producers.

Inspector Gadget. Oh, yeah. Versus, what. The producers. Inspector Gadget. Oh, yeah. Versus, what else has M. Night done? He did Unbreakable. Lady in the Water. Okay. He was in two or three episodes of Entourage.

Was that preview always on TV? Because I just remember Lady in the Water. What was it like? It was a whisper. He also did Devil, that really bad elevator movie. Where the grandma was the devil. It was the grandma. You know what?

I don't like M. Night Shyamalan anymore. Because all his movies are either one word or have the. The old glass split signs the visit the village the happening the happening awful movie terrible what do you think about him putting himself in almost all of his movies he gives himself like unnecessary cameos so does Quentin Tarantino yeah well yeah Well, yeah. But it's jarring every single time. Less feet for Matthew. Because actually both Quentin Tarantino and M. Night Shyamalan are odd looking men. And it breaks all immersion in movies.

Like, oh, I'm watching Django. I'm really enjoying it. And then the third act, there's just Australian Quentin Tarantino. It's always very arbitrary. I think Quentin Tarantino built the entire story of Django around, I've never said the N-word in an Australian accent before. Let's do it now. Tarantino is our modern Twain in a lot of ways. He absolutely is.

Shyamalan is more narcissistic. The sign scene where the wife was pinned up against a tree and about to die, he just put himself in that scene, right? I'm reading M. Night has a habit of including car accidents in almost all of his films, putting him up against Broderick. Against Broderick. Wow. They probably have.

Broderick might have been his inspiration. Broderick saw that. He might have orchestrated it. I can do that. I'm going to go Matt Night Shyamalan. You just said you brought on Shyamalan. Yeah, but then I'm right back. He pulled me right back in.

Don't do that. That was my twist. Now I'm thinking he's responsible for the car and Stuart Little. The most scared I've ever been. Yeah, he probably is. The most scared I've ever been is that uh the alien walking scene and signs when it walks across the alleyway i jump every time i gotta yeah and uh joaquin is like bombinos children which is like he doesn't need to be speaking spanish he speaks spanish to the television

like for bombinos doesn't that what he says? I don't know. I remember the scene was terrifying. Yeah, it was. It was the first time you saw the alien. Did they have poison with their... Did they poison out of their fingers? In signs? Yeah. No.

I think so. Spider... I was trying to do a Ferris Bueller car accident. Something... Yeah. This turns sharp if you don't... Blah, blah, blah. You might miss it.

He stole a car in Ferris Bueller. Jay Fox was Stuart Little, right? Michael Jay Fox was Stuart Little? Sure was. Like what? He didn't have to act. Just his voice, I think. Yeah.

And I mean, mice, if they were to speak, would have a tremble. They would have a vocal or a timid creature. Mouse was more excited. Yeah, that's like how a mouse would sound. Michael, you sound just like a mouse. Yeah, I have Parkinson's. Yeah, I have fucking Parkinson's. Yeah. Okay.

Yeah, you're the mouse. Stuart Little. He came in for the audition. Yeah. M. Night. I'm going M. Night. M. Night. Coley?

Matthew. It's a clean sweep for M. Night. It's a clean sweep for Matt Night. Matt Night. All right, final four. We have a one seed, two three seeds, and a four seed. The four seed, Mark David Chapman versus the three seed chrissy tegan he's killed the spouse of a of a musician before and i think he does it again

david beats goliath he does wow kyle i'm trying to think of how David Chapman would feel about Chrissy Teigen if he were – he is alive. I think if he got out of jail, that would be his number one target. Do you think he'd be a reply guy or a hate guy? He would – so reply guy is the guy who's just like horny, right? Yeah. Yeah, sorry. Horny reply guy. He would be both.

I think he would have multiple burners with multiple personalities. Would you follow Mark David Chapman on Twitter? Probably not. Do you follow OJ? I don't know. Okay. No, I don't either. I don't think I follow any known murderers now. Well, yeah, no, no, no, I don't. I don't. I, Colby, do you, I'm no. No, I don't. Coley, do you? I'm trying to think. Would Mark David Chapman be verified?

Yes. Would he have a blue check mark? Yes. OJ is not. OJ is not. I don't think he would. OJ is not verified? Not at last check. Let's pull up the real juice 82.

Off the top of your head, you know. It's the real Oj 32 my apologies be at no 902 000 followers not verified who from work um billy football yeah pat loud sean tommy smokes Smokes. Trent. You have to consciously follow OJ Simpson. Had to. Tank. Frank the Tank. And Riggsie. Riggsie. He should have been in this bracket.

We could have worked his way in. We should have worked Riggsie. How can Riggs be a matter of I'm looking at who OJ follows nobody that we know no rigsy no rigsy he follows he just follows he follows a bunch of running backs and yeah that nobody his first follow was an attorney malcolm Laverne. Was that who? Did he defend him? Wait a minute. This guy, you cannot hire this man to represent you.

He is wearing preposterously large sunglasses. This is Laverne? Yeah, in a big cigar. And his header is OJ Simpson. This guy, is he verified? No, he's not. Sin City attorney. He has a Kendrick Lamar lyric, and he says, I follow Bill Gates and Bill Cosby, period.

And then a new sentence, Tesla, exclamation. Wait, wait, wait. Let's pull up this guy. Sin City Attorney, Malcolm Laverne, and his latest retweet was a Bill Cosby tweet he represented Bill Cosby why did he include that I follow Bill Gates capital and Bill Cosby what is the let's save that

for Bill Billness probably next episode I follow Bill Gates and Bill Cosby. It's the full spectrum of Bills. I'm following them. We could do a series of bowl games, but Bill games,

the iron bill, the iron. Yeah. Yeah. Totino's bill. No spoilers for definitely next week. All right. So we have,

we have Chrissy Teigen versus Mark David Chapman. We really went out of the way here. I'm going Tegan. I'm going Chapman just because he's beat somebody like her in the past. He knows how to get it done. And this isn't just Tegan. This is just one of her normal assets. Her stretch marks.

This is her stretch marks, yeah. She's so fucking normal, dude. She stretch marks. This is her stretch marks, yeah. She's so fucking normal, dude. She is normal. She's the common man. And that's, you know what? You've swayed me. It's Tegan's stretch marks. Tegan's stretch marks.

All right, she's in the finals, but who does she face? Now this is a fucking battle, boys. We have the maternal grandfather with the full head of hair versus Matt Knight Shyamalan. Wait. What if in the greatest twist of all, he doesn't show up? Oh my god. Yeah, that would be a twist. Hear me out. With advances

in technology, even with wig technology, toupee technology, that's my favorite Instagram videos is watching dudes get wigs glued on them and then cut and styled that is those are rewarding to watch hair transplants hair transplants anything like you saw what it did for uh machine gun kelly yeah but have you seen uh those tweets were like i had an ai writing episode of seinfeld they're gonna get ones that could write m nightamalan twists.

Impossible. Nobody twists like him. Chubby Checker is jealous. So I don't know. Coley? I feel like even if you do get that type of procedure done, you still know at the end of the day. It eats at you. It just

gnaws away at you. So we're talking just authentic hair versus authentic twists. Yeah. I gotta go Matt Knight. Social media

has ruined the twist. Spo twist spoilers are almost unavoidable when was the last time a twist has gotten you 1999 the sixth sense the sixth sense i don't when was the last time a twist got you a few months ago when we played bop it on the yak why i never oh twisted yeah yeah yes they got you Why? Oh, Twisted Yeah, yeah, yes Twisted got you Fuck

Coley, when was the last time you got Twisted? I don't know I don't know when the last time I got Twisted was When Maggie Simpson shot Mr. Burns What was that? That was like 96 Yeah The late 90s

The twist is obsolete The twist is obsolete. The twist is obsolete. Poor, and that's he had all his eggs in one twist basket. Like I'm the twist guy. It's me, the twist guy. Oh, fuck.

Who's your friend over there? Which one? The one with the twists. That was a scenario where a girl would be attracted to m night shamalan because she could tell he has he has twists something about it yeah well we can tell that he's full of twists yeah what's he what's he doing probably look like michael j fox uh i gotta go maternal grandpa with a full head of hair He's a wrecking ball I'm switching to the maternal grandpa Owen

Owen Coley, have you guys met? Yes Yeah, give me the full head of hair That's a win Consistency is key Now we have the championship A maternal grandpa with a full head of hair Versus's a win. Consistency is key. Now we have the championship. A maternal grandpa with a full head of hair

versus Chrissy Teigen's stretch marks. And I knew a lot of people saw this coming when the bracket came out. I'm trying to put myself in a baby's shoes. Why? Why? Why not?

You're trying to fit... Why? i'm trying to fit into them from a baby's perspective would i be more excited to see a healthy mother or knowing that when you get to a mature age you you won't have to worry about it. I feel like a full-haired grandfather just takes away the appeal of a grandfather. No, not true. You just need a gut. Grandfathers should be bald. Good grandpas should be bald.

Yeah, I think that's just an old dad. You know, the thing is, I think the only qualification to be a hot grandpa is hair. Yeah, silver fox. Silver fox. Which is weird, though. You can't be hot. No, you don't want your grandpa to be hot.

But you want to be hot. But you can be bald and sexy. Like Vin Diesel. Like Vin Diesel. Vin Diesel. Yes. Like Vin. Let's swap Vin in.

Let's swap. Let's do a turn off. Vin Diesel. As your grandpa. Versus Chrissy Teigen's stretch marks. It's Vin Diesel. I mean, yeah, and it's assumed it's Vin Diesel with a pussy. I always assume Vin Diesel has a tight little pussy. Vin D-City.

Just put Vin Diesel with a pussy. What's the Vin D-City? That's where he lives. Wherever he's at at the moment. His current location. That should be a dating app. That's the Vindy City. Yeah.

Where's Vin Diesel? It's a regional dating app. It's just like, are you in the Vindy City or not? But then where's the date? Can you only go out with Vin Diesel? No, it's just like someone who wants to be around Vin Diesel's pussy. It's not even just like, fuck it. Just like, oh, yeah.

So does Vin Diesel with a pussy win? Against Chrissy Teigen with stretch marks? Yeah. Yeah. I think so. You can't fuck her stretch marks. You could barely fuck the pussy. It's so tight.

That's the thing. You can't. I can't. I could. But it is tight But it's wet Sopping wet That's the thing about Vin's That's the thing about Vin's pussy

It's the tightest pussy It's the wettest pussy And it's healthy Mentally and physically Tegan can't check those boxes She can't. All right. Vin's pussy is the healthiest pussy,

not just in Hollywood. I've said this before, and I hate repeating myself on the podcast. In the world, not just in the upper class, it transcends socioeconomic status. You haven't even touched on how pink. The hue?

Vin's pussy's hue? Yeah. And I'm sorry, Chrissy. I'm sure the Buzz feed the writers, they have their fingers on the keyboard. It's Vin Diesel with a pussy. It's Vin Diesel with a pussy is the winner, and that's unanimous. The first annual winner of Mark Mattness

is Vin Diesel with a pussy. With a tight, tight pussy. Well, that's assumed, yeah. That's redundant. We can edit that out. We don't want redundancy. It's going to make it. We're going to go overtime.

Okay. So, yeah, there we have it. Congrats to Vin. Congrats to Vin. Congrats to Vin. I think we all saw that coming from a mile away. I know. Whenever we come out with a Mark Madness, it's just they don't even – we don't even get to announce. We don't even have a Selection Sunday.

Everybody just knows. Yeah. It's Vin with a pussy. Coley, thank you. Yeah, thank you, Coley. Boy, it's history yet again. Can he three-peat next year? Probably.

Probably. Same time next year, Coley. Thank you for joining us. Thank you, Coley. Kyle, your beard is looking thick as fuck. Okay. What is this? What is that?

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