A New Untold Story - A New Untold Story: Ep. 231 - H.O.O.B.A.S.T.A.N.K.

Episode Date: March 26, 2021

|| A New Untold Story: Ep. 231 || The boys discuss perfection & build their perfect being! || Producer: Tyler GoochmanYou can find every episode of this show on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or YouTube. Prime Members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. For more, visit barstool.link/anuspodcast

Hey, A New Untold Story listeners, you can find every episode on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or YouTube. Prime members can listen to ad-free on Amazon Music. Kyle. What's up, you... Brett Eldridge-looking ass. Sing me a country ballad, which is a major diss. He's a successful singer. Yeah, yeah, he is. You look like him.

Yeah, I look like that successful singer. It's almost here. I'm trying to think what this could possibly be about. The spring equinox happened. That's right. You're talking about that? Oh, then you fucked up. Why? Because it happened. Spring break season is here.

Oh. And you, personally, probably can't wait to soak up the sun.'s been six years maybe exactly well since my last spring break it sounds like and instagram post yes it is you can look that up and vouch um you need to be equipped for the outdoors what do i need for the outdoors equipped yeah you need equipped and you're you want to conquer your spring break adventures and uh i don't know is your out is your uh get outside wardrobe updated no well look no further than bare bottom clothing you know i've been i've been

looking forward to this for years and i keep getting it and getting it and getting and i keep getting satisfied i'm very content i don't necessarily need more. You do, because it's the most versatile, comfortable, and wearable everyday clothing for men with a rapidly growing cult following over 100,000 customers and countless five-star reviews. And that's why I need more. You're getting quality. You know what you're getting. Everyday threads for a fraction of what you have to spend with the other guys. Zero chafe as well. You're a big chafe guy. I remember when you worked at Talcum in the middle, that little pagoda. Yeah, a little chafe hut. I remember when you worked at Talcum in the middle, that little pagoda. Yeah, the little chafe hut.

Yeah, in the middle of the mall. That's right. You got me. It would put me out of business because Bare Bottom has Zero Chafe stretched swim trunks that feature quick-drying four-way stretch fabric made sustainably from recycled plastic bottles. And they go well with the volley swim short as well for on-the-go trips to land or even sea. Now, thousands of guys have already made bare-bottom their MVP of their closet. You know that.

I know that. Owen knows that. But they keep coming back for more. It's designed to transition from the couch to the gym to work to play, whatever you like to do. They only make threads you love to wear all day long. Right now, our listeners get free shipping on their first order of these super comfortable threads at barebottomclothing.com, code ANUS.

Barebottomclothing.com. B-E-A-R, like the animal or hairy gay. Clothing.com. Use code ANUS, A-N-U-S, to get free shipping on your first order. I love handing out awards to different clothing articles in my closet. Me too.

Yeah. Barebottom gets the MVP. What has won most improved? Barebottom. Old Navy got the Hustle Award. Keep trying. Fucking dollar flip-flops. Alright, yeah. We'll see you around. Flag tees. More like...

Never mind. Oh, no. That's your reply to what I'm going to say. No, you're just going to say, like, no, that's a new untold story. Hey, is that story old or told? Fuck no, baby! That's a new untold story. A new untold story. It's a fresh, big, untold story I knew I'm told

Thousands of people have used Candid, the clear, comfortable, removable, and practically invisible aligners to help straighten your teeth, and now they love their smile. Just like Sharon from Pittsburgh. invisible aligners to help straighten your teeth and now they love their smile just like sharon from pittsburgh she wore braces as a teenager flash forward 30 years she had crowding at the bottom and one of her teeth actually stuck out that's when she made the decision to move forward with candid she finally got her confidence back and that's what you need scamp yeah your treatment is prescribed and closely monitored remotely by a licensed orthodontist who's an expert in tooth movement you'll have the same quality of care you'd have from an in-office orthodontist and the comfort and convenience of your own home and while other companies use

general dentists candid only works with orthodontists with candid the same orthodontist who created your plan is with you from start to finish so you never have to wonder how you're doing the average candid treatment is just about six months you'll start seeing results way before then and it costs thousands less than the traditional braces so this shit's invisible this shit's invisible so like let's say i was walking down the street you wanted i was wearing a mask you want to see how my teeth look what would you do i'll no i'll just pull that mask down I'll I'll Why don't you pull that mask down

Okay Put your mask down And then you open your mouth And then what the fuck is that color on your teeth? That purple That That rust The metal

These are braces Those aren't invisible No they're braces Okay Yeah You wanna try that again? Sure Put your mask down The fuck? What the fuck Okay. Yeah. You want to try that again? Sure.

Put your mask down. The fuck? What the fuck? You just got teeth in your mouth? What the fuck is on your teeth? And you can have that happen to you. Become your best you. Start straightening your teeth today. Right now you can save $75 on Candid's starter kit. Go to CandidCO.com slash story. Use code story. That to CandidCO.com slash story. Use code story. That's CandidCO.com slash story. Code story.

Take advantage of this limited time offer to save $75 on your starter kit. CandidCO.com slash story. Code story. S-T-O-R-Y, Candid. I'm not a perfect person. There's many things I wish I didn't do. What are you doing?

Hoobastankin. That was Tal Bachman. It wasn't. Nobody has ever confused Tal Bachman. You said it. You just sang it wrong. You were singing The Reason by Hoobastank. You were off key.

Sing it. I know more about Hoobastank than you. No, you don't. How'd they get their name? A lot of people think it's an acronym. I know more about Hoobastank than you. No, you don't. How'd they get their name? A lot of people think it's an acronym. I don't think. It's a common, common misconception. That's like ten letters.

Yeah, hold on, our brothers and sisters. The answer's never known. A lot of people think it's that, but it's not. It's like a Fleetwood Mac situation. It's their two names. That's a middle school rumor. That sounds like it would be real, but there's no. No one thinks that.

It was a common misconception back when Hoobastank was the biggest band. No, no, no. Like this year, you're talking. That's an uncommon misconception. I've seen it tattooed with periods between the names. Yes. No, you didn't, Ro. Hoobastank?

I think I have. That's a mistake, though. That's like getting a Chinese character tattooed. That's a ridiculous... Oh, this says Hoobastank. No, that's not the band Hoobastank. That's like getting a Chinese character tattooed. That's a ridiculous... Oh, this says Hoobastank. No, that's not the band Hoobastank. Hoobastank is like Fleetwood Mac.

Hold on, our brothers and sisters. The answer is never known. The answer... I fucking hate that that sounds like a real thing. Well, what's the actual reason behind the name? No pun intended. It's their two names. There's two guys.

Read the Wikipedia. Okay, there was the Algerian Gugu Huba and his partner Stank Doll. Roald Dahl's grandson. Oh, D-A-H-L. Oh, Dahl Hall. I thought you said Dahl. I remember Hall. Sorry.

I remember watching one of their interviews. I whitewashed it. And they did. And they were just like, yeah, like, how did you get their names? And they were like, well well we decided to combine our names It's actually really simple and kind of cheesy Right and we were going to be Goo Goo Doll And they were like

They googled it Or we're out of Our hands are tied here We gotta be Stank Doll What should we be We can't combine last names No we have We got to be Stank Doll? What should we be? We can't combine last names. No, we have to be Hooba Stank.

And that's where they came to be. The actual conception. Oh, I never realized that. I never put that together. That's the real thing. That's so crazy. It's like Goldman Sachs. When I'm out with a group of friends,

like a ton of friends, and somebody always brings up Hoobastank, and I look over and like, always like the quote unquote hippest dude there is like, did you know it's an acronym? And I love just being like, it's not. It's not. Google it, it's not. Google it, it's not.

It's not Hold On Our Brothers and Sisters, The Answer's Never Known. It's actually. It's actually Goo Goo Goo Ba. Goo Goo Goo Ba and. And Stankdoll. And Stankdoll. And did you know Stankdoll is,

his great grandfather. Is Roald. Wrote James and the Giant Peach? That's not usually the first one that people point to as opposed to what we walk up, but yes. Really? The big, friendly giant. Big, friendly giant. Charlie, Charlie.

And the Charlie and the Glass Elevator. Great Glass Elevator. Sequel? Yeah, the little-known sequel. Fantastic Mr. Fox? The Vermicious Knid. Fantastic Mr. Fox? We got very Knid. Fantastic Mr. Fox? We got very off track here.

Stank Doll and Goo Goo Hooba. That's even off topic. That Hooba Stank song got stuck in my head because Kyle and I have each constructed what we think is the perfect person. Unlike the song The Reason, where he proclaims that he's not. These are a perfect person. We are trying to make perfect people. And so what we're doing is taking traits from living actual imperfect people to make our perfect person.

Much as Frankenstein did. Yes, Frankenstein's monster. Oh, you're right. Mary Shelley's monster. Wait, was Mary Shelley the one who created the monster technically she wrote the monster into existence and that reminds me how mary tyler moore got her name yeah how'd she do that she married tyler shelley it was steven tyler it's hymenated many more And then there's Mary Pope Osborne. Oh, fuck it. You can fill in the rest. Yeah.

Damn you more. People can fill it in. You told me physical or personality traits. Yeah. So do you want me to go first? Either of us can go first. I know. I think that's what he's trying to figure out right now.

Yeah, that was the least constructive thing. Well, let me tell you about the permutations here. Two. Okay. Okay. Do you want to go like one after the other? No, no, no. I want to go all in a row.

Okay. Are you guys going to snake select? No, no, no. I'll go first. No, let me go first. You went first last time. I want to go first. Okay.

Why don't you go second, KB? Why don't you go second? You could go second. And we have Ken Jack and Owen and Adam Ferone in here Thank you They're going to judge who has the most perfect person Because mine gets pretty deep And that's why I chose you Roan

Ken Jack you're kind of a surface level guy Yeah for sure Roan's philosophical you just care if it has big honking titties Yeah big old boobs and big nuts That'll make you come Oh yeah. Lots of things will. This is me pitching to you. My perfect person I've constructed.

Okay. Do you know how there's that thing out in space that has that gold record? Voyager. The Voyager. It has the top, humanity's top 500 greatest songs on a gold record if aliens find it. Is that true? It is true. Is there a CD player in there?

Or a record player? Just a gold record. They've got to figure it out. There are symbols of how to play it. Because records, you could just put a needle in the grooves and it would play. Really? Yes. I didn't actually know that.

Yeah, it's real. It's very top 500. Of like from every country. They're counting on aliens to have a record player? Yes, they are. The 70s were pretty crazy. They're counting on them to figure it out and it's like this gold record and it has a cool drawing of of a very generic white man and a very generic white woman on it and they both have like their hands up just like you know like hieroglyphics

or something yeah and it's very it's like a bathroom stall it's out there floating in space shut up so i was thinking when they find that and come to earth we need a perfect person to represent that to be an ambassador to our galaxy okay it's literally mr universe this has this is uh outer space themed so when you're looking up you're like okay this what makes humanity it's music it's comedy it's cuisine it's acting it's art that's what makes us uniquely human yes And so you're up there looking at the sky. We'll start with comedy. You're looking up at the cosmos. We're having Cosmo Kramer, Michael Richards.

Wow. We're having his humor as part of my perfect person. A little physical humor. Burst through a door. Say the N-word. Now there is the thing, Ron. Wait, he showed up to say the N-word. Now there is the thing, Ron. Wait, he showed up to say the N-word? No, no.

I'm not taking. I'm taking his humor. Now we need to get him an N-word pass. So we need to combine him with an African. Oh, so if he has but an African arm, he's fine. Oh, I get where you're going. So you're looking up at the cosmos. You're looking through your telescope.

What do you see? You see Mercury. Freddie Mercury from Africa. Zanzibar. Zanzibar. Wait, he is? Yes. Oh, yeah.

Freddie Mercury was an African? Tanzanian. Tanzanian. Really? Yes, and so he has a pass. He does have a pass. And so he will have, that checks the box of music to make you human. So we have Cosmo Kramer, Freddie Mercury.

Freddie Mercury is any specific part of him or he's just – His musical talent, his voice. Oh, okay. Now – So you're taking everything that comes with him? Does his voice have – No, you don't get everything. So you don't get the –

What about like his vascular – You don't get the skin tone. Now there may be some autoimmune issues with Freddie Mercury. So – Okay. Now, there may be some autoimmune issues with Freddie Mercury. So he is filled to the brim with AIDS. He's overflowing. He's tipping over. He's a perfect person. He's foaming at the mouth with AIDS.

I was wondering how full he was. He's frothing with AIDS. Yeah, he's spilling over. So we're not going to take that. We need somebody that's responsible before sex, somebody that gets tested. So you're looking up in space. You're looking going to take that. We need somebody that's responsible before sex, somebody that gets tested. So you're looking up in space. You're looking up at the cosmos. You see Mercury.

You also see, what is this, a black hole. We have gay porn star Osiris Blade. Oh, the best. I'm a big fan of his work. He's an African-American man as well. So he's the black hole. Yes. But is that even indistinguishable from a white

person's butthole? Yes. Oh, it is? Yes. Because there's a lighter black rim around black holes in space. Okay. I think. There are. Thanks. Historically. So he has

the responsibility. And so this is what makes us human? Reproduction. So he teaches sex. He teaches sexual freedom, experimentation, pleasure. Wow. Because humans are the only things maybe in this universe that experience pleasure. Is that true? You're going to get roasted for that, but I agree.

Sure. So we have him and he gets tested before every scene. Yeah. Hopefully. If only Freddy did that, Queen would be going on their farewell tour right now. Yeah, Queen would still be traipsing around. Or Cyrus saying the N-word. Our black hole brings responsibility.

It brings, you know, he's mature. Definitely mature. Now. And he can fuck. He can fuck. He's fucking. Well, he's getting fucked, I would say. Yeah, you know he's mature definitely mature now and he can fuck he can fuck he's fucking he's getting fucked i would say yeah you know he is saying the n-word this perfect person a lot in like nine part harmony with freddie mercury's book they're layering now the only problem with osiris is porn, prostitution, that's the oldest profession. Part of being humanity is innovation. We can't have the oldest profession. So you're looking up at the sky and you're looking through your telescope.

You see all of this and then you see a meteor shower. Meteor. The inventor of the meat lover's pizza, Papa John's. Wow. So we will have Papa John lover's pizza Papa John's Wow So we will have Papa John's Innovation Papa John's

I love that The newest The newest job The newest profession The newest profession Pizza maker Creating the meat lover's pizza Yeah exactly

Right And so The perfect counterbalance We have Papa John And we have You know He's a flawed individual He's been dying to say that word

He's been dying To finally get the freedom so he can, he has that off his chest. It's not problematic anymore when Papa John's saying it mixed with Mr. Mercury and the black hole Osiris. He's 20% African and his rim is African. Yes. So he's 24 to 25.

Accused him of talking out of his ass. He says yes quite literally. I have to. That's the only way I can say this. Slur talking out of his ass He says yes quite literally I have to That's the only way I can say this Slurring out of your ass You're goddamn right What is Papa John's biggest flaw? Sweating tablets

What is Papa John's second biggest flaw? Oily hair Their calzones weren't that good He's sweaty and he's red Yeah he is You saw that picture of him being carried out of the Yum Center. He was all gross and red.

So we need somebody that can cover that up. So who is somebody that could cover up his sweat? Makeup artist? That's right. Jimmy? Jeffrey Starr. Oh, Jeffrey Starr. I was going to say James Starr. He has that artistry. Mr. Starr. Mr. Starr. Mr. and Mrs. Starr.

Mr. and Mrs. Starr. The Starr family. He has the business acumen. He's self-made. He represents both types of human being. Yeah. So he's every – yeah. He has that.

But he's not without flaw. He is still – he's a real person, not without flaw. And he's a raging narcissist. Raging narcissist. He has been sued for libel for calling somebody a kid fucker. I did. So we need somebody – You were the one sued?

I did. Jeffrey has been sued for libel for – so who is somebody that wouldn't accuse somebody else of being a kid fucker? Somebody who would never do that. Accused somebody else of being a kid fucker. Not even if it's reverse psychology. Chris? That's why we have Kevin Spacey. Spacey.

Spacey. Spacey. Spacey. Spacey. Spacey. Spacey. Spacey. Spacey.

Spacey. Spacey. Spacey. Spacey. Spacey. Spacey. Spacey. Spacey.

Spacey. Spacey. Spacey. Spacey. Spacey. Spacey. Spacey. Spacey.

Spacey. Spacey. Spacey. Spacey. Spacey. Spacey. Spacey. Spacey.

Spacey. Spacey. Spacey. Spacey. Spacey. Spacey. Spacey. Spacey.

Spacey. Spacey. Spacey. Spacey. Spacey. Spacey. Spacey. Spacey.

Spacey. Spacey. Spacey. Spacey. Spacey. Spacey. Spacey. Spacey.

Spacey. Spacey. Spacey. Spacey. Spacey. Spacey. Spacey. Spacey.

Spacey. Spacey. Spacey. Spacey. Spacey. He's an excellent actor. Frank Underwood. Indisputable.

He said fuck on live television. Mara Khan. He doesn't care. Great YouTube videos. And so that is rounding off my perfect person. So we have the acting chops of Spacey. We have the artistry of Jeffree Star. We have the innovation of Papa John.

We have the open-mindedness and the blackness of Osiris Blade. Yes, yes. We have the singing talent of Freddie Mercury and the Africanness of Freddie Mercury. And then we also have the lack of AIDS in Cosmo Kramer, Michael Richards, and his humor. So it's all of these people combined without their flaws to represent humanity. It's like almost like when a circle of people all sit down but they're sitting on each other's laps. Like the problematicness of everybody completely balances out and has a seat in the next person. That's right.

It's completely unproblematic. It's a series of checks and balances to make a perfect person out of imperfect... An imperfect group. Or gay people. Or age-rich. No, imperfect, apparently. Yeah, no.

You were right. Yeah, we're wasting time making this podcast longer than it needs to be. Sure. Just say imperfect. The O is silent in Osiris. Is it? Yeah, it're wasting time making this podcast longer than it needs to be. Sure. Just say imperfect. The O is silent and no Cyrus. Is it? Yeah, it's just Cyrus.

You were listening to his partner moan. You're right. Yeah, you're right. You're simply a porn listener. I just listen to porn. You listen to the audio. You read the recaps. Yeah, you only read it

Look at the Emma Says pronunciation on YouTube The one that you have to wait 30 seconds for her to just pronounce the word It's worth it though It's a little swirl that comes up in the middle It's terrible You have to wait so long That was out of this world Just for them to say William H. Macy

It truly was That truly was incredible Sitting there for 10 seconds and then William H. Macy. It truly was. That truly was incredible. Sitting there for 10 seconds and then, William H. Macy. I feel like I probably could have pronounced that myself. Yeah, you could have said that. Fucking galaxy brain. So I would put that Frankenstein of humans up against anyone. Yeah, against any human being anywhere.

A test of all things. What does that thing lose at? What are they bad at? Now, you may say, Nick, you don't have a female. To which I'd respond, yes. I would respond, and? You're squeaky clean there. No, Ms. Starr.

Ms. Starr is in there, so you actually have everything covered. Brilliant. Brilliant. So try and beat that. You gotta be sucking your teeth right now Because that was good You really applied to my depth You treated this like a capstone project I just treated it as

Someone who would get pussy My perfect person Is someone who gets pussy Okay Number one Florence Nightingale's Biography or job history. You guys know Florence.

She did some things with statistics and social activism and reform. I'm not talking about that. She founded modern nursing. She did? I thought that was Maria Montessori. Or no, she discovered the Montessori School. Yeah. That's what she discovered. That's what it was.

Preschool for rich folks. For the rich folks. Rich Italians. Autistic Italians. Miss Nightingale found at Modern Nursing. Okay, I understand. In the 1800s, 19th century. Okay.

I was thinking Florence and the Machine, and I was wrong about that. For everyone who thought with me, it's modern nursing. It's Nightingale. Right. Got it. So I have the founder of modern nursing in my bio. So when I come across broads who have RN, hospital emoji, et cetera. Always the best.

Syringe emoji, whatever they put in there. You just send them. Usually you're welcome. Or syringe emoji, whatever they put in there. You just send them to me. Usually you're welcome. Or like nursing major. Bible quote usually in there. Yes. Apostrophe 24. Yes.

And they're like, and I'm like, what do you do? I'm like, I'm a nursing major. Or I'm a nurse. And they say, what do you do? I'm like, yeah. I invented that. Oh my God. Oh, you're I invented that. Oh, my God. Oh, you're a nursing major.

Nice, congrats. That's exciting. I invented it. I came up with nursing. They're all going to fall in line. I'm your God. Yeah. You would not exist without me.

You can't get accused of mansplaining if you invent it. You're fucking me. Raw, no less. So yeah, let's beat around the bush here. You're going to fuck me. That's so good. And I hate to say

this, but some nurses are a little bit loose with their morals. And once they meet their maker... A nurse killed my grandma. Is that true? Yeah. No way. Yeah.

Put her down like a sick dog. What, what was, what, what was the matter? What was her affliction? How'd she do it? She just like fell.

It wasn't even that hurt or anything. She just, I think she was in a Kevorkian type state. That's on her. Yeah. I mean, standing's like one of the first thing babies learn. That's what we all said to her.

She's too old not to know how to stand yet. You've been doing it for years. So if they don't fuck you, would you get them fired? We'll get to that. Okay. That's actually part of my perfect person. Oh, shit. And is it a part of Miss Nightingale, or is it just that part of her that she came up with nursing?

Or is it like her backbone? Is it like her rib? What is it like her backbone? Is it like her rib? Like, what is it about her? It is not a physical attribute. It's just her profession. Her main descriptor. Got it. Founder of nursing.

First thing in her Wikipedia. She was doing night shifts with whatever war that was. Did she like look up to the founder of like modern doctors? And she was just like, I couldn't do that. Can I do this in half the time? I don't really want to go to school for that long.

She also found it the wage gap. She's the main architect of the glass ceiling. That was actually the best thing. Let's lower it. Let's make the glass a bit thicker. Nothing's going to do that. Wow, brilliant. So next is just a hot man who I admire.

And it's funny that you said Florence and the Machine. Really? It ties in? I wanted something from Machine Gun Kelly. Couldn't think what exactly, because he embodies the perfect man. You think so? That someone at Barstool would look up to.

Now that you mention it, exactly. Sure thing. He's in the 4-H club. He's no farmer, though. He's got height. He's got hits. He's got hoes. And he's? And he's got height He's got hits He's got hoes And he's got hair transplants

They worked well Yes they did He had a Vegeta type hairline for a while And it just grew right back He was a rapper Hiking back Oh yeah now he's fresh Dude I don't even think I put that together

What could I pick from him He's also a movie star. Yeah, he was in... Project Power. The Dirt. The Dirt. A bunch of things. What was that ensemble cast horror movie that he was in?

He was in American Horror Story, right? Sandra Bullock. Oh, yeah. Bird Box? Oh, Bird Box. Oh, yeah. He was in Bird Box. He was in Big Time Adolescence.

He played in Bird Box. I can relate. Oh, yeah, you can. I fucked around with Larry's wife, Dinah. You fucked Dinah Bird? Yeah, hit her with a triple-double, and hit her pussy with a triple-double. What's a triple-double?

Two-by-three-inch penis. A little tuna can, huh? Okay. Two-by-three is two in length and three in width? Yeah, yeah. It's like a cocktail wing can. I forget which one it was. It adapts to...

You had an accident where it got ripped off in a bike spoke, and it was just they had to put it on sideways. They had to reattach it sideways. It was the only way there was enough flesh for it to reattach on. Oh, my God. Fucked her in Muncie. Not French lick? Nah.

Beth, best of weather conditions for eating pussy. Damn, I had no idea you were fucking Miss Bird. Oh, yeah. Bo Burnham's going to play him. He's going to play, yeah, it's true. Bo Burnham's playing Larry Bird. Why? Tall.

Yeah, he's 6'5". Is he at that age yet? I don't know. To play young Larry Bird? Larry Bird never looked young. That's also true. So wait, what are you taking from MGK? I'm taking MG, Machine Gun Kelly's Megan Fox.

Oh, okay. You're taking the girl that he's fucking. She's with me. What about the four H's? Are you taking the four H's? None of them. You're taking none of the four H's? I guess, oh, ho singular.

Ho singular. Okay, that's fair. You know, in England, bird box is just what they call pussy. Yeah, you're right. Straight up. That would make a lot of sense. I'm not a foul bird box. I'm not a foul bird box.

It is amazing how you make yourself sound like you have giant buck teeth. That's the big massive sideburns. You can see the top hat on my dumb ass. Well, cook me. I feel like they don't call pussy box, though. No. They have to have like a, what would it be? I mean, I recently learned that a-

Coin purse? Yeah. That a fanny is a pussy. I thought it was an ass. That's ass. Fanny's ass. what would it be I mean I recently learned that coin purse yeah that a fanny is a pussy I thought it was an ass that's ass no it's a pussy a fanny is a pussy

that's true it's a pussy also you wear your fanny pack in front of your in front of my pussy yeah you don't wear it on your ass

it's a a fanny is a pussy you're right bird fanny that's what it was that's what the movie was called in England It's a fanny is a pussy. You're right. Bird fanny. That's what the movie was called in England. So you have Megan Fox. What does that help?

Who do I have so far? You have Megan Fox. I invented nursing and I have, I just own Megan Fox. So you're fucking me. Or not, helping me. I don't know. Whatever you do with your eyes and fucked up. Well, I think some girls would be like, yeah, he is with Megan Fox. Like, if I

fuck him, I'm on her I'm the equivalent of Megan Fox. I'm as good. And you just put it together for me so succinctly. Thank you. That is how that works. You. That was succinctly. That was succinctly. I thought it was like five succinctly, but it was about six succinctly. What do succinctly. I thought it was like five-sincly, but it was about six-sincly.

What do you got next? So I got Florence. Succinct. I got Mr. Machine Gun. I think I was Mr. Kelly. I don't think Machine Gun's his last name. R. Kelly Kapowski. I've done this before, but...

How do you get out of Kapowski? R. Kelly Kapowski and Zach Morris. Viable options here. or should I go with Slater the surfer you were supposed to say because I was doing a Saved by the Bell theme

oh my bad screech that would make me screech Slater like Mario Lopez are Kelly Kapowski and Zach Morris viable options here

or should I go with Slater AC Slater? AC Slater? Like Mario Lopez? No. What are you going with? AC level... Kelly Slater.

Oh, no way! Shut up. Now I understand. Now you're going with two bald guys in a row. Yeah, you do have two... Two balls. You're fighting follicles here. You're losing them by a you're losing them but he already got the transplant hair transplants from

uh machine gun oh he has megan fox for machine gun his uh northern hemisphere oh you're taking his crocs will read his fanny you're taking okay kelly slater's balance and that'll help you are you going to surf or is that for fucking i'm trying to think. This is where I stopped Googling. Kelly Slater. He's a surfer. Hold on. I'm pretty sure. Definitely.

He's definitely bald. He's 5'8 1⁄2". No. That's me in Skeletos. Yeah. That's me on a billabong board. Quick silver on my feet. But no, it's surfing. His surfing abilities So we're, yeah.

But no, it's surfing. His surfing abilities. Of course, yeah. Incredible hits. Do girls still like surfers? They have to. The thing is, you don't have to just, you don't have to be

an active surfer. I could post one clip on my Instagram of just me surfing one wave and get unlimited pussy from the one girl. Kelly Slater might have only surfed once. For all we know.

I've never seen him surf more than once. I only saw it once in a documentary. Not a lot of nuances in his clips. No, he's always doing the same thing over and over again. It's always the wave and the board. It could be a guy in a ball cap. It might not even be Kelly Slater. I have no way of proving it's him.

There might have been one person who's surfed ever and everybody else is just getting a little bit of extra pussy off of it. And that's where you're about to get some pussy off. Did that lady even really lose her arm? No, I don't think so. I don't think so. 127 Hours was a surfing movie? Yeah, it was.

That's fucked. Fuck, yeah. That's badly fucked. So I can surf. I have Megan Fox, and I invented nursing. So you're the perfect person already. That's fucking genius. I'm taking yours over, Nicks.

But I can still say the N-word. What? Okay. Which isn't good. How can you say that? I just have the physical capabilities. You have a mouth. A voice box, yes.

And that could get me fired. Yeah? I need tenure. I need someone who's immune to fire okay daenerys targaryen oh wow topical her immunity to fire yeah never have seen game of thrones i was about to say you guys want to lob some shit at me no i haven't seen it either but i know it's from it and i'm pretty sure that she was immune to fire. Yeah, you're on the right track here. Yes. See, that's all you're taking, though. You're taking immunity to fire.

Yes, I want that. Very much. And I can't, like, get burned or something. But that'll help with pussy how? He'll be able to say the N-word. Steady job. I have a steady job, and I can't get my face severely maimed to the point where I look...

Like Edward James Olmos. Honestly, all my burnt homies get no pussy. No, no. I'm going through the three that we know mutually plus the two that I know on my own. And five, 25, 26, everything. None of them do. None of them do. None of them do.

Zero. No pussy. I don't feel bad. Zero. No pussy. I don't feel bad. But they deserve none. It's not all because they're burnt. It is. It is.

It's their face. It is. Yeah, it's bad. Because it really comes down to the lips. Just that you don't really have lips where it's like a false lip. They never even make it that far. It's everything. Yeah, it's everything. The eyelids. They never even make it that far. It's everything. Yeah, it's everything.

The eyelids, too. The eyelids are tough to craft. One of the most delicate things about us. They're not fucking a lot. I've tried to get them laid. Your burn victim homies? You've tried to fuck them? Yeah.

Just be like, yeah, my well-done homie over there wants your pussy. Sorry, did you say well hung, sir? No, no. No, no, no. It's like, yeah. Girls just think they're having a stroke because they smell burnt toast. Like, no, no, that's him. Nah, that's me.

My graft is falling apart, sorry. My homie over there. Yo, did you fuck the burnt guy last night? No. Why is there just a perfect outline of him on your bed? Why is your bed covered in man-shaped pus all right so you can't get fired okay i get fired yeah i think you know the other ones the ones that i said all right yeah we know the other yeah yeah i'm not gonna keep no we don't what's the last one? Jesus.

I also noted that she's the breaker of chains. Okay. That is her title. Okay. Yeah. Who is? Who is? Daenerys Targaryen. She freed people from slavery.

They called her the breaker of chains. Shut up. So you're going to free people from slavery and then say- No, he's taken not getting burnt over slavery. Not getting fired. Yeah, not getting fired very specifically. Is that different taken not getting burnt over slavery not getting fired yeah not getting fired very specifically is that different from not getting burnt what is that the same thing is not getting burnt not getting fired not getting fire immunity to fire immunity to fire yeah i think i could still get fired yeah okay trying to think which one would be more helpful yeah in the long

run what in the way you're gonna be going you don't want to get burnt You don't want to Usher a situation Yeah STDs Getting sued for herpes That kind of thing You don't want that What's the last item up? Hold on

Five I thought we were doing a Mount Rushmore Oh that's fine do four I'm just saying I thought it was five I Mount Rushmore. Oh, that's fine. Do four. I'm just saying, I thought it was five. I cut Venus Williams out of mine. Jesus Christ. Yo!

What are you taking from him? Middle Eastern, webs. What is the wackest way to die? Crucifixion. Crucifixion. I've always said that. It's the way in which he got crucified. What's that? Crucified, then stabbed?

He's got the nail crown. He's carrying thorns. Yeah. He's getting whipped. Yes. Stabbed. In front of... Cat of nine tails.

In front of his mother. Yeah. And his hoes. And his poor friend. His poor lady friend. And then he's getting nailed to a cross and just hanging there until he dies. Much like Osiris. The people were watching.

Yeah. They were watching. That is the lamest way to die. And yeah, just a slow death as people watch you. So what are you getting at? With a sign over his head that mocked him saying, this is the king of the Jews. Yeah, exactly.

A little jerk off. And it would hurt. Yeah, it would. That's the one thing people often forget. I didn't even realize that. I remember one time someone called me a pussy for saying I wouldn't want to get crucified. They crucified you for it. They typically roped people up, though, didn't they?

And they were just like, no, fuck this dude extra. Let's nail him. Nail time. Imagine being tougher than the son of God. The fucking son of God? The Romans low-key were. He took too long to die, and they stabbed him right in the chest. And then he still took a pretty long time to die.

No, they did that to make sure he was dead. They thought he was dead, and they stabbed him. And didn't water come out? Water came out. He leaked. He leaked. He's leaking? And then he was just like, ouch.

Oh, he's not dead. What fuck he's spilling longinus like imagine like him looking down at them and just being like like is this not enough yeah you had to fucking stab me here's some water a guy a guy named longinus needed to stab him was that his name yeah oh yeah longinus shut up That's a fact. All right. So what in Jesus are you taking? I mean. His stigmatas? Jesus didn't have stigmata.

He got nailed through the hands. Yeah. I also heard that he got nailed through the wrists, not the hands. Some of the things I've seen in the church, they had it in the wrist. Oh, they do? The other ones I saw, they had it in the hands. So who knows? So isn't the movie stigmata? I haven't seen it, but isn't it traditionally the hands, the palm?

Or like a stigmata? So what gives? Beats me. Fuck. It's like in Crucifixion. Was it Passion of the Christ? That guy was embarrassing for him. That must have been like Jesus did not want that movie to come out.

He looked like a bitch. He did. You're just taking the fact that his mom was a virgin? Yeah, it's also his mom. Is that the one thing you're taking? I think I take a lot of things from Jesus. No, just the fact his mom was a virgin. Yeah, it's also his mom. Is that the one thing you're taking? I think I take a lot of things from Jesus. No, just the fact his mom's a virgin. No, he's kind of right.

So no one can say that he fucked your mom. Exactly. Nobody can say that ever. That's incredible. I was going to be like, yeah, it's like dad's God. But no, his mom is a virgin. No one can ever hold that over you. He's impervious to every mom joke ever.

Ever. He's like, oh, I fucked your mom. No, you didn't. No one ever has. Not even my dad. Bitch's like, I fucked your mom. No, you didn't. Actually, nobody did. No one ever has. Not even my dad. Bitch. You could have roasted me for having holes in my hands

and you went with that. It's the one thing you couldn't do. My dad didn't even fuck my mom, you pussy. And here I am. That would be awesome. Yeah, a virgin mom. That's why people worshipped him. He would be awesome. Yeah. A virgin mom. What? Incredible. So, yeah.

That's why people worshipped him. He was unclownable. No one could clown on him. No one could clown. I'll follow you anywhere. That's why they were trying to roast you. Somebody tried to roast him. He's like, yeah, well, I fucked your mom.

And Jesus looks at him. He's like. No, you didn't. Imagine having that power to just like, you want to try that again, buddy? That's why they went so OD when they killed him. Do you want me to go get my mom's hymen? Do you want me to go show you want to try that again buddy that's why they went so od when they do you want me to go get my mom's hymen you want me to go look at it right now if you want he's like proving it proudly this man is a god no one's ever fucked that's why they had to crucify him yeah honestly they were so mad point they were so pissed off that they no could roast him that they were like, we are going to kill you.

Augustus Caesar, his mom definitely got fucked before. What? 100%. Every Roman's mom in history has gotten fucked. Big Pontius Pilate? They were fucking running train on Pontius Pilate's mom. What? All 21 Pilates were in zoos.

That's why the 21 Pilates were the 21 dudes that fucked the pilot's mom. Any one of them could be his dad, but they have no idea who it is. Dude, if I had a homie whose mom never got fucked, I would be bragging. He could literally be walking on water and be like, yeah, you think that's something? He's got a mom? Yeah. Nobody's fucked his mom. Just leaning over

to tell somebody who the fuck is that guy who just gave us unlimited arbor mist and like is there anything wrong with him

he's got we gotta clown him for something he's poor no we fucked his mom no I can't do it

alright so I have Florence. You invented nursing. I got Florence. And the machine. And the machine. And the machine gun. Yeah. The machine gun, Kelly.

Kelly. And I got Daenerys. No, you got Kelly Slater. Kelly Slater. Yeah, Kelly. Okay. Florence and the machine gun, Kelly. You got Kelly Slater. Kelly Slater. Yeah, Kelly. Okay. Florence and the Machine Gun Kelly. Kelly Slater.

And Daenerys Targaryen, who is played by Emilia Clarke. Hold up. So now I have Florence and the Machine Gun Kelly Clarke, and I have the Son of God. So I have the perfect live performance that you could ever- Of Belters. Yes. Wait, this isn't allowed. the perfect live performance that you could ever predict. Of belters, yes. Wait, this isn't allowed. Florence and the Machine Gun, Kelly Clarkson.

No, this isn't allowed. Their powers combined. This isn't allowed. The dog days are over. The dog days are done. The horses are coming. So you better I'm actually going to try that again. Okay, yeah, go for it. Start from the top.

I'm trying to combine the three. Yeah, I was waiting for the Machine Gun Kelly part that entire time. I was waiting for Clarkson. You got it? You can sing it with me. I don't know it? The dog days You can sing it with me I don't know it The dog days are over

The dog days are done The horses are coming So you better Run away from the headlights No sleep Up all week Wasting time with people I don't like I think Something felt so wrong here, so I prayed.

This is so unfair. I could break away. I'll spread my bloody valentine. Something like that, but that would be my dream ensemble of my three favorite types of live acts. And that's what Hoobastank, they were comparing themselves to. And it all comes back to Hoobastank. It always does. We need a retort from you now, Nick.

I hope you brought a song. No, I got nothing. Kyle, it seemed like he came up with his right on the fly, and it was just so premeditated. Yeah, the ums were written down in his notes app. I don't know Whatever they were. Alright. So yeah, Kyle, you fucking won that. Mine would

fuck more than yours. Yours were all white. Ooh. That's problematic. Oh, the son of God is a Nazarene. Yeah. Florence Nightarene. Yeah. Florence Nightingale. Not.

She was white. Florence Nightingale. I don't assume is white. Nightingale. Daenerys. Machine Gun Kelly. She's from a continent unknown. Yeah, you're stuck here.

We're swapping Machine Gun Kelly with R. Kelly. Or Kelly Slater with R. Kelly. No, not allowed. You've already said it No, no, you have to add an R. Kelly song to that now too Sing it again for the top Trapped in the closet The dark days of The dark days of

The world's greatest Bloody Valentine Alright It's a mashup Thank you guys The world's greatest bloody valentine. All right. It's a mashup. It's a mashup. Thank you. Thank you, guys. Thank you, guys.

Thank you, guys. Kyle, close your eyes. Imagine jumping in the shower. All right? It's just a weird maneuver, unnecessary even. You jump in the shower, and you don't turn on the water you just start wiping your body with dry paper okay that's what you're doing to your butthole people would call you crazy to do that in the shower yeah i was like what the why wipe with dry toilet paper

instead of washing with water the future of toileting has arrived and it's here okay it's technically been around for centuries, but hideously expensive, costing thousands of dollars. Now, the brand new Hello Tushy 3.0 modern bidet attachment is here to level the playing field. Clean asses aren't just for the rich anymore. It's stylish, eco-friendly, easy to install, and affordable. The Hello Tushy 3.0 doesn't just cleanse your butt with a precise stream of fresh water. It cleans itself before and after it's used with the Smart Spray, trademark, automatic self-cleansing nozzle. It attaches to your existing toilet, requires no electricity or additional plumbing, and cuts toilet paper use by 80%.

You know how embarrassing it is to buy toilet paper in stores? You can cut that down by 80%. As soon as you bring it to the counter like they're looking at you like yeah this guy fucking poops he poops so hello tushy bidet pays for itself in a few months besides oops because with hello tushy you don't wipe your butt at all just poop spray dry and go plus every hello tushy bidet attachment comes with a 60-day risk-free guarantee and a 12-month warranty. That's a year. Year warranty.

Already got a tush on your pot? Upgrade to the new 3.0 model. You're new to the revolution? Join the millions of happy Hello Tushy customers right now to clean your butt with every flush. Our listeners can go to hellotushy.com slash anus for 10% off plus free shipping. You get 10% off plus free shipping and go get your butt clean at hellotushy.com slash anus. hellotushy.com slash anus.