A New Untold Story - A New Untold Story: Ep. 236 - NFL Draft Spectacular

Episode Date: April 30, 2021

|| A New Untold Story pres by Dude Wipes: Ep. 236 || The boys break down the entire 2021 NFL Draft!!! || Producer: Tyler GoochmanYou can find every episode of this show on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or YouTube. Prime Members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. For more, visit barstool.link/anuspodcast

Hey, A New Untold Story listeners, you can find every episode on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or YouTube. Prime members can listen to ad-free on Amazon Music. This episode of A New Untold Story is brought to you by Dude Wipes. Dudes, it's time we have a serious chat about your bathroom habits. It's time to quit shitty, scratchy toilet paper and switch to Dude Wipes. Dude Wipes are extra-large, flushable wipes made with plant-sourced fibers designed to give your anus a cleaner, more refreshing finish than TP after dropping a deuce out of your butt. Think about it.

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You can find them at Amazon, Target, Walmart, nationwide, or we recommend you go to dudewipes.com and use anus15. That's A-N-U-S-1-5 for your entire order, 15% off. Do that. Anus15 for 15% off at dude wipes.com. Dudes start cleaning your butt hole better. That's your reply to what I'm going to say. No, you're just going to say like,

no, that's a new one. Hey, is that story old or told? No, baby. That's a new one. Nick can you hear us?

Yeah Kyle you good? What's going on? We need to revamp. We have way too many girl listeners. You guys got that email, right? Yeah, that was absurd. Fowler forwarded it to you? Yeah.

84%? The analytics are fucking embarrassing. I thought it was kind of cool at first. No. What? I don't know. The fact that 84% are women? It's pathetic because our platform is Barstool Sports,

and we can't even cater to those men. Yeah. I mean, yeah, we're not doing a good job. How do we do it? I don't know. Everything we talk about appeals strictly to women. It seems like it, at least from our reaction, our DMs. They really like it, though.

I know. Granted, they love it. They're obsessed with it. Like every girl I know is, but like what? Every girl I know is but like what I just want to be able to go out to a bar and yuck it up with a guy about the parlor that's the thing like at the yoga

the salon or the yoga tournament like where anus anus anus it's those three places the salon the yoga tournament and yoga I want to go to a random bar Three places. The salon, the yoga tournament. And yoga.

I want to go to a random bar, a fucking dive bar in Brockton, Massachusetts, in Quincy, Worcester. Go to the 99 in Worcester. You eavesdrop and you hear three dudes just talking about, like, how did you hear this? He listened to Enos this week. Nick, what was he talking about? What was he getting on about? What a take he had. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I want to have takes.

We should have takes. I was able to listen to it outside of my headphones because my girl's at that fucking tournament. My girl's at the yoga tournament, but fuck. That was fucking, what is that? The new untold story, boy. Did you fucking hear their takes? It was a scorching take yeah we can start pandering

let's do a sports episode alright what's topical in sports NBA's going NHL's going what do you mean it's just in progress their seasons are going on.

I don't know. What is PMT talking about? Let's just take what they talk about and add a satirical spin to it. I think they had Shea on, actually. For the draft. All right. Just so we can title the episode

NFL Drafts Exclusive, we can just do a lightning round through teams and what they need okay but full disclosure i i'm not about to research 21 22 year old boys and figure out what their strengths and weaknesses are that's a weird thing yeah do a mock draft obsessed like people who are obsessed with sports it's the equivalent of being obsessed with anime yeah mock drafts are just fan fiction there's just no stigma around it yeah you you're like watching film and like crunching numbers of these like these teen boys and like post-adolescent boys. Yeah. I'm a pussy for still watching Grey's Anatomy after 23 seasons. And they're on season 54 of the Super Bowl.

Yeah. All right. Well, let's. Whatever. Let's just go through the teams. You want me to do this? Yeah, so, Owen, if you just want to read off some team names and say like their biggest need.

All right. I'll clap and i'll just start reading them three two one all right mock draft or not a mock draft what are we gonna call it absolutely not um saying needs people they could get to fill these needs all right draft needs um All right. Draft needs. Bills. Buffalo Bills. All right. So they have Josh Allen.

Yeah. But he throws his body around a little bit. He doesn't protect himself from hits like Lamar is. That scares me. So a Bill. He's getting banged up. Yeah. A Bill-designated quarterback sneaker. It's got to be Cosby.

Bill Cosby. Yeah. He'll spike it, too. He'll spike it and he'll QB sneak it. Yeah. He's not afraid to be a plus. It's a lost art. it too yeah he's not afraid to be it's a lost art the qb dermot is getting it done so a bill uh head coach all these young kids he's millennials he's fucking josh allen's are afraid of cte and all these fucking conspiracies yeah cosby out there designated qb sneaker cosby fears no man um yeah but what were you saying

head coach oh they need oh who's their they need a head coach a bill that needs a head coach a bill's head coach would be monica lewinsky yes yes she'd be a top rusher too she'll never be a top rusher and that's good no no no she takes time. She knows how to put her head down and just go to work. They don't need a title. If we're talking team needs, I think Buffalo needs a new mascot. Because a Buffalo mascot being a Buffalo is a fucking cop-out. Yeah, that's the laziest move ever. It's a Buffalo Buffalo.

What if they did a Buffalo Buff-al-o? A jacked Alexandria Ocasio-C quartet oh just a fucking super ripped aoc aoc on like a hormone she got like bullied by gamers she's on twitch like screaming trans rights and they were like prove it prove it she's like taking testosterone boosters speed running masculinizing hormones she'd be talking talking about an AJ Green new deal. They would love her in Buffalo. She's looking like Kamal Nujani. Identical.

That's their logo. Kamal with the long hair. Yeah, that's their new logo in basketball. Imagine AOC with Nujani's jawline. Progressive. It would boost the ratings of the NFL. What's next? Who's next? I mean, we It would boost the ratings of the NFL. What's next? Who's next?

I mean, we got all the Bills needs. Cleveland. Cleveland Browns. Got to protect Baker. Got to protect the entire neighborhood, Kyle. Browns tackle. That whole area. Oh, Browns tackle George Zimmerman.

Yeah, let's drop it. What about the Cardinals? I can think of a... Well, back to the Browns. If you're going to protect Baker, you've got to get him weapons, too. You've got to get him a receiver. A Browns receiver.

Maybe an X receiver. Yeah, because they have Jarvis at the slot. OBJ's a prima donna. They need a better target. Browns receiver, Rihanna. Yeah, Brown's ex-receiver, Rihanna. We'll just go with receiver. We won't bring up the Browns tackle being that man.

Arizona. Arizona holder. I can think of one they need. Kyle. The new Arizona Holder. Trey. Lance. Trey Lance out of North Dakota State.

Trey Lance, okay. Hell of a career in the FCS. Put up crazy numbers. Great kid, great family. Used to run around with his pops. Minnesota boy. You did? Mm-hmm.

Probably not good enough to take. From a great neighborhood, yeah. He'll never be a starter, but he can... He's got the finger to hold. All right, what's next? Giants, New York Giants. What do they need? They need a giant slot receiver.

A giant slot. Caitlyn Jenner just got a brand new pussy. Yeah, yeah. She's like 6'2". Still smells like a black ice freshener. All right. Tasty as all hell. You know that new pussy smell?

There's nothing like it. Is this pussy new? It's fresh out of the box. Fucking 2021 compact SUV. Fucking top IIRC safety rating. Is this the 2022 Durango? No, this is just my brand new pussy. The Chiefs, obviously, they don't need much.

Made it to the Super Bowl. They have an incredible offense, but doesn't their defense just suck ass? Yeah, so what would be the best KC defense? I never sexually harassed my coworkers. Oh, that's the KC Afflecks. I was thinking Anthony. Yeah, the best KC defense would be Kaylee drowned in the swimming pool. Yeah. Yeah, so yeah, they need to clean

house every shred of evidence of that. And roll with that new KC defense. Boy, did that work. A 1,400 square foot pool outside of the stadium. You would have thought you'd won a Super Bowl. Shutouts.

Alright. Keep going. All right. Keep going down the line. The Pittsburgh Steelers. Secondary. They need secondary? I was just in Pittsburgh, and Pittsburgh corner, on every corner, Kyle, you know, it's fentanyl. Yeah.

That would be a strong pick. Yeah. That would be a strong pick. Yeah. That would be a pick six. Paul Bearers. Yeah, that'll get you. That would be well-received. It's tradition. It comes on the Permanente-Pittsburgh now.

It's just a dollop of fentanyl. The fent. That's all you need. That's an epidemic. It's just a dollop. Yeah,l and that's all you need and that's just a doll i feel bad um jacksonville jaguars they just hired urban meyer uh urban meyer always prioritizes getting like middle linebackers so yeah the buckeyes always are strong they're trying to workshop this um urban mike uh tyson wait what is a mike a? A middle linebacker. Middle linebacker. Is that the name for it? Yeah. Someone who can collab with, get along with Meyer.

Urban. Urban Mike. Urban Mike. So Jordan, Tyson, Mike Jones. Who's the most urban Mike? Rappaport. Oh, yeah. Yeah, no.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. He likes rap music and there's that cumberland farms commercial where it's for coffee but he just pretends to be black um dla chargers um charger uh chargers receivers they uh they have offside issues recently as of late keenan allen so we need a uh charger receiver that stays on the right side of the uh that thin blue what the fuck is that scrimmage line what um derrick chauvin's replacement on the force no no no just look up how to pronounce his name? No, no, no. Yeah, you did.

No, I fucking didn't. No, I've been paying attention. I'm not fucking ignorant to the Hulk. Show me your phone. I'm proud to say. Show me your phone. It's been ongoing. Derek Chauvin in Google Translate.

You think I just ignored that whole thing? English to English. Derek Chauvin. Okay, charger receiver. Derek Chauvin's replacement on the force. His replacement on the force. They're like, yeah, here's this. My mind went to a kicker, like a charger's kicker.

What? Just like a prostitute in a Denny's parking lot that just got stiffed. What? Still what? And they're just like, you know, they slam the door and they kick the side of the Dodge Charger in anger. Oh, my God. No, you guys are dumb.

That was really funny. You could have just went with a really poor soccer fan who just pillaged the dumpster of an Apple store. Needed a box. Ooh, Miami Dolphins. Yeah. what do they need uh they got two i think they're happy to build around him so they probably need some offensive linemen like um who's in miami incognito oh what about an offensive line man DP Dave Portnoy Miami offensive line man

yeah I mean you could even throw him on the scout team he's got an eye for young talent he got called for like a horse collar tackle like six times last year yeah he did you can't worry about the intangibles like that you need him protecting Tua I mean he's just unapologetically him um cowboys zeke's getting

old uh he's like kyle when i say cowboy halfback what do you think of christopher reeve um they wanted they needed him to be a fullback but all he has to offer is half he's superman yeah he was is that it? who else?

they need better backs broke back Ledger and jill and hall ledger's dead as fuck they blew each other's backs out ledger's like kind of transcending the plane of existence yeah he's kind of solid kind of ghost all right let's get through these damn who would you rather have ledger or or Reeve? Superman versus Batman Joker? Yeah, the Batman Joker. Just like, all right. Wow.

No, that would be good. The Patriots? They're going to take a quarterback, and they have to fucking protect them. So, obviously, yeah, the QB round one, but they'll probably try and pad the line, get some linemen for the Pats. Pats linemen. Pats linemen. Yeah, they're just holding cue cards on the sidelines that's a cuzzo laugh now his co-hosts are like hey pat can i pull you aside um we kind of understand our role if you want to like fire the the cue card guys we got it from here no those are my linemen he forgets his line all the time he's like oh i gotta say cuz i was like eight o's right here yeah

you need the right amount of those just a bead of sweat wow what do i say what was it cuz oh um the titans uh do you like what they're doing i don't even know if they have a mascot oh you think they need a new mascot yeah i don't know what their mascot is? I don't even know if they have a mascot. Oh, you think they need a new mascot? I don't know what their mascot is now. I don't have a clue. It's definitely toxic, I would imagine. Titan is rooted and inherently misogynistic. So who do you think they go with?

They're going to go with Tight Anne. A Tight Anne. A female mascot. It's a play on the name. It's tight. It's a, who would that be? It'll be Anne Frank.

Just like in a, in a crevice. Oh, like a, like a tight space. Yeah. A very tight space. But she's like a powerful, like she's not showing any sign of claustrophobia in the,

the logo. No, I thought you were going to go with tight pussy. We could. Yeah, by all means, let's go tight pussy. Lisa. And Coulter. And Coulter.

And Coulter would be good. Just a sliver of a pussy. Just a smidge. Just a smidge. A tight and, a tight and. If we're going just mascots, too, the Philadelphia Eagles is just a cop-out. Yeah, end. A tight end. If we're going just mascots too, the Philadelphia Eagles is just a cop-out. Yeah, they just

have a bird. Yeah. Our team's the Eagles. Let's make our mascot an eagle. I think that's a cop-out. Like an eagle scout? A female eagle scout? The rest of the teams in Philly have good ones too. Like Gritty. He's a scout. No, I think like, so they have to compete with Gritty

and the Philly Fanatic. I with gritty and the philly fanatic i think they just steal the philly fanatic and they're just the phil e fanatic it's uh it's phil margera who's obsessed with kevin connelly he's trying to tell april about just like how he's the best part of the show he's the only one who shows character development. He's fucking most underrated character in HBO history. If I was in the show, I would be E. Are you gay for Kevin Connolly? No, fucking O.

He pulled Sloan. No, good for him. Yeah. Guy looks like me and fucks Emmanuel Sheik. I'm proud of him dude my fucking boy Phil E. Fanatic Philip Seymour Hoffman

if he just went with ecstasy he'll be with us I was hoping for a pirate radio too if only he was a Phil E. Fanatic

oh heroin the Packers they could use a new mascot what Cheeseheads biggest cheesehead out there right now is probably lovato demi what's a cheesehead cheese is slang term for black tar heroin oh did i did not know that oh yeah they taught us that in health class are you sure did you never hear that? A cheese head? No cheese. Oh cheese is

I've heard it used as a term for money. Or a smile. As simple as a smile. True. Let me get some cheese. Alright we got a few left. I think I'm running out of steam boys. The lions

Fuck at this point. Who lied? I got a few left. I think I'm running out of steam, boys. The Lions. Fuck, at this point, who lied? Detroit safety being a boil order. A government-mandated boil order. Yeah. In all surrounding Detroit areas. The LA Rams. Kyle, they have Aaron Donald.

He plays defensive end. When I say Rams end, what do you think? Michael Sam. Rams, the noun, not the verb. Oh, shit. Michael Sam. Yeah, that works still. Didn't he get drafted by the Rams? Yeah, he did.

Yeah, keep him on. Good for publicity. The Vegas Raiders, Las Vegas Raiders. I think Kuyper's got their biggest need as a nose guard. A Vegas nose guard, Kyle. The cosmopolitan security guard. At my specific room. Yeah, your weekend at the Aria.

I had one. It was like the size of a paper clip on my bathroom counter. That's a really weird size comparison. What are the gator tail? What?

I'm trying to think of Coke's line slang. Oh yeah, people say gator tail. It was just a smidgen, a speck of Coke. Yours was just like a kitty claw. Carolina Panthers. Kyle, do a Chadwick Boseman joke. Just do a Chadwick Boseman. Panthers, Panther Receiver.

Hell. Jesus Christ. I mean, heaven. panthers panther receiver hell heaven heaven there it is yeah he went to heaven he's not with with roost roost roost baiter baiter uh buccaneers bruisarians love safety what's an area okay there we go finally he was on the bubble he was on the big board for a while yeah that's all i have uh san francisco 49ers chicago cincinnati bengals the ben gal would. Yeah, this would be a good mascot. They just, like, the graphic designer just did Ben Shapiro and just gave him tits because he's like, I don't know. A Ben gal. A girl, like, cowering in the corner from Rock and Pop.

That might be the most effective mascot at games. Yeah. For distraction purposes. Jets receiver, the USS Arizona. There we go. I think that's most of the teams. All right, listeners, how'd you like that? Yeah, motherfuckers. Kyle, you look very good of late. What is HelloFresh?

What? Is that like a Jeopardy answer? Yeah, that would be the answer to that. That's the answer of why you look good? That's why I look fed and healthy. Just read the ad. Yeah, let's just read it. Well, with HelloFresh, you get fresh, pre-measured ingredients and mouth-watering, seasonal recipes.

Recipes. Keep going, keep going, keep going. Start from the top. No, I'm not. I'm not. No, no. I will not let that be included. Please keep going.

Let me do this. No, I'm a good reader. I can do this. All right. Yeah, no, I clipped it. Just start from right where you were, though. What is HelloFresh? That was like a Jeopardy silence.

That's the answer to why I look good. Yeah, you look good. You look fed. You look fed, healthy, smooth. Yeah, I'll explain it, too. With HelloFresh, you get fresh, pre-measured ingredients and mouth-watering, seasonal recipes delivered right to your door. Skip all the trips to the grocery store and count on HelloFresh to make home cooking easy, fun, and affordable. And that's why it's America's number one meal kit.

It's proven. It cuts out the stressful meal planning and grocery store trips so you can enjoy cooking and dinner on the table on your own table in about 30 minutes maybe less hello fresh offers 25 plus recipes as if two dozen wasn't enough from each week from vegetable meals to craft burgers and extra special gourmet options. There's honestly something for everyone. It has recipes designed and tested by professional chefs and nutritional experts to ensure deliciousness and simplicity. I've had it. I've had it.

I used to get lost in the store. And that was before I had to lug all the groceries home. Not anymore. Not anymore. Never again. Weeknights. Fucking busy. Yeah.

I believe you. Yeah, you could order Uber Eats. What's your favorite dish to make? I like the souffle. Yeah. The beef wellington. You've had the souffle a lot. The corn on the cob.

I run through about three or four chicken picatas a week. I know. What was that promo code? Go to HelloFresh.com slash Untold12. That's Untold12. And use code Untold... Fuck. All right.

Just the promo code. Just say the promo code. Go to HelloFresh.com slash Untold12. And use that promo code Untold12 for 12 free meals. 12 free meals with free shipping. That sounds great. Thank you, Kyle. Thanks. All right, Nick, can you do the next one, please?

Yeah. Yeah, so our sponsors are Fl Flushable Wipe And A Day We're Being Pigeon, We're Being Butthole Butthole We're Being Buttholed by sponsors But, you know what I digress, fellas Imagine jumping to a shower and not

Turning on the water Just wiping your body with dry paper It sounds so familiar People would call you fucking crazy. Fucking banana land. That would be the fucking... Showering without water would be the opposite of electric, in my opinion. Why would you wipe with dry toilet paper?

What kind of shtick is that? Yeah, what's your shtick? You're always taking showers without water? No shtick. What product are you getting at here? Yeah, what's your shtick? You're always taking showers without water? No shtick. That shtick. All right, Nick, what product are you getting at here? Well, I'm going to talk about the future of toileting. It's arrived.

Well, it's been around for centuries, but it's been hideously expensive, costing thousands of dollars. But now, the brand new Hello Tushy 3.0 modern bidet attachment is here to level the playing field. hello tushy it's yeah hello tushy okay yeah yeah the hello tushy 3.0 all of our sponsors different derivatives of each other of all of our sponsors hello tushy 3.0 doesn't just cleanse your butt with a precise stream of fresh water it cleans itself before and after it's used with the Smart Spray Automatic Self-Cleaning Nozzle. It attaches to your existing toilet, requires no electricity or additional plumbing, and cuts toilet paper use by what percentage? Take a guess, Kyle. I'm going high, 57.

Try 80%, dumb fuck. So Hello Tushy Bidet pays for itself in just a few months. Because with Hello Tushy, you don't wipe at all. Just poop, spray, dry, and go. And sanitation is simple. The schmutz shield offers easy cleaning. And the knobs are naturally antimicrobial. Plus, every Hello Tushy Bidet attachment comes with a 60-day risk-free guarantee

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