A New Untold Story - A New Untold Story: Ep. 237 - The Great Dan Vlasic

Episode Date: May 7, 2021

|| A New Untold Story pres by Dude Wipes: Ep. 237 || The boys discuss a magician turned police officer and write the plot for 'Forrest Gump 2' and 'Forrest Gump 3'! || Producer: William HungYou can find every episode of this show on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or YouTube. Prime Members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. For more, visit barstool.link/anuspodcast

Hey, A New Untold Story listeners, you can find every episode on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or YouTube. Prime members can listen to ad-free on Amazon Music. So, uh... Which one of you guys are the throat goat? Pardon me? Throat goat? The throat goat? Mm-hmm.

Out of us two? Every group has one. Every group does. Every group, there's three things that you are yeah you're either the cute one uh-huh the funny one yeah or the throat goat throat goat okay from nick's the funny one i'm the cute one oh, honey. Oh. If you have to ask who the throat goat is, why don't you take a seat, take a deep breath. If you can't spot the throat goat, well, you're the throat goat. Why don't you take a look in the mirror?

Do you like what you see? No, you don't? All right, well, just say something funny. Cheer yourself up. Oh, no, you can't. Oh. You're the throat coat of the group. Yeah.

So I met these guys out in Lower East Side. They were Barstool guys. You know, like Barstool sports. I don't visit the site, but there were other people there. Barstool sports. Those are the Barstool guys. Oh, so you got with a Barstool sports guy. Oh, no.

Was he, like, funny? No, he didn't make me laugh. He was good conversational. He was cute. It was dark. No, not really. No, no. Oh, you got what the throat goes.

The group. Oh my god, you work for Barstool? Are you in You're in front of the camera? You're Yeah What do you do like comedy? You're probably funny huh?

You're funny or No No No Well at least you look good You don't I don't Well

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and use code ANUS15, A-N-U-S-1-5, for 15% off your entire order. Dudewipes.com, ANUS15, for 15% off your final order. I would check out the mint chill. Oh, highly recommend it. Unbelievable. Oh, and that wasn't funny.

And you don't look great today. No. Yeah. Is that your reply to what I'm going to say? No, you're just going to say, like, no, that's a new untold story. Hey, is that story overtold? Yeah. It's a fresh-baked untold story. A new untold story. Open up, I guess. Oh, yeah, he's the throat goat. You guys would love this podcast.

Nick, he's really funny. And the other one, the brunette is cute as a button. And then Owen. Absolute fucking throat ghost through and through we were talking about the most famous people from wheeling we did we mentioned we forgot johnny corbett we did brad paisley sure and he's not even from wheeling yeah pretty much just john corbett from my big fat greek wedding yeah but uh you yeah forgot to mention you me but then also dan vlasic dan vlasic. Dan Vlasic? Yes. Danny Vlasic. Oh, the pickle guy.

His great-grandfather... He had no contribution to the pickle company. No, but his great-grandfather was Fronho Vlasic, the founder of Vlasic Pickles. The Dill Pickle Jar brand. What?

The Vlasic Pickle brand. I never thought it was a huge deal It was Looking back That's like the pickle I think his name was like Dan Cunningham And he wasn't He was like a second cousin

Of the Vlasics And he legally changed his name To Dan Vlasic Yeah Impressive still Like he was He was the pickle guy No he wasn't though

His family was He tried to separate himself From the pickle company. No, he wasn't though. His family was. He tried to separate himself from the pickle company. He did magic. He was a magician. Right. The Amazing Dan Vlasic. That's the name he decided on too. Yeah.

The Amazing Dan Vlasic. He could have just been the Amazing Dan. Well, also your name is a one from one rhyme with fantastic. And you could have been the fantastic Dan Vlasic. But then he did change it to the great Dan Vlasic. And we were like, dude. I remember because he worked a lot of birthday parties. And I remember he had the flyer up on the telephone poles,

like a lost cat would. And it was just like, the great Dan Vlasic, I'll put your mind in a blender. We're like, dude, say... Put your mind in a pickle. Do it, Dan. Say something like that. Yeah.

Or like, the incredilble Dan. The incredilble. There's so many options. Like, the great Dan Vino. Sure. Anything would have been better. The great Dan Vlasic. Yeah.

Instead of the fantastic Dan Vlasic. Which sounds good. Great Dan Vlasic. Yeah. Instead of the fantastic Dan Vlasic. Which sounds good. But he, did he ever do like a birthday party you were at? He was similar to our age. Yeah, he was our age. We were in third grade and this guy was like a tenured magician. He's like, yeah, my mom hired my friend to work my birthday party uh but he he uh still did magic right before until he stopped well oh okay yeah covid he didn't get it yeah he couldn't continue

to do magician work because he wasn't an essential worker right and he blew up he went on a huge facebook rant about do you have about, do you have it? I think you screenshot it and sent it to me. I couldn't even fit all of it into a screenshot. It was long. If you know me, then you know that I'm not the type of person to make posts like this. But I'm a firm believer that every human has a limit, and I've finally been pushed to a point that requires me to speak out.

I've seen childcare workers, agricultural and food service production employees critical retail workers but no magic under the umbrella of essential workers some of these kids haven't seen a trick or an illusion in over a year i'm ready to pull the hair out of my hat or the tortoise out of someone else's ear. Wonder and awe are the asparagus and Greek yogurt of mental health. And these kids are just deprived of experiencing this. He's comparing wonder to an inalienable right he thought like seeing magic like fake magic was like something like a it was in his mind necessity in his mind

it's shelter water food wonder ah curiosity wonder ah curiosity are right there with it fuck these kids haven't picked a fucking card and since god knows when 2019 so i went back home he's a cop now he transitioned to being a police yeah because he couldn't find work uh-huh but he's still like he's old habits die hard with him he's still trying to he's a spiteful cop he's a dickhead yeah he pulled over one of my boys uh because it was swerving a little bit and uh he went up and he knocked on the window he's like i need a uh insurance id and you to pick a card and he handed why uh okay officer he pulled a card and just kept it and then um he was like you know you were swerving a little bit if you had anything to drink tonight. And my buddy was like, no.

And he's like, step out of the car, blow into this. Blows into the breathalyzer. And he flips around. He's like, shows him the breathalyzer. Instead of saying anything, it just said Jack of Hearts. And the guy's like, whoa. What the fuck?

He's like, I'm going to have to do a field sobriety test on you. He's like, all right, raise, do as I do. Raise one foot.

Okay, keep it up. Now raise the second foot as well. Oh, no, had a little bit too much, huh? You can't levitate straight. You can't levitate straight.

You can't levitate straight up. Yeah, I remember he had to, like, seize a bunch of weapons from, like, a trap house. And he did it. But the time it got back to the evidence room, all of, like, the knives and swords had his dna and saliva he was swallowing them there was that there was that brutal murder uh on wheeling island and he was the cop on the scene and he went there and he caught the guy and he was like show me show me

where the woman is and the woman was the dude sawed her in half her intestines coming out yeah dan dan let the guy go with a warning he's like all right this is this is fine this is fixable he just waved his baton at it like you you're he was supposed to like bludgeon someone resisting arrest he kept like just like making his baton grow longer in front of his face. Dan, you gotta stop turning cocaine into, like, a bouquet of flowers. We need the evidence. We do need it.

Flowers are illegal. And, like, while I have your attention, like, stop planting rabbits in people's trunks and then arresting them for livestock endangerment. Where'd you get this fucking european red-tailed hair he's like trying to negotiate with people he's arresting like all right fine i'll handcuff you you handcuff me and then it'll just be like that just breaks right out of him then he likes like arrest someone got anything in your pockets hiding anything what about in your rectum in your mouth no what about my mouth? No? What about my mouth? Are you hiding anything in my mouth? What, are you sure about that? Then what's this fucking 50, 46 foot long red rainbowed coil?

Where did this come from, huh? Where did this come from? Explain it. Explain where this came from. Are you sure you're not hiding anything in your mouth? What about mine? He pulled over my mom recently, and he went up, tapped on the window. Are you Officer Vlasic?

Yes, ma'am. Call me the Thin Blue Leanie. You can call me the Thin Blue Leanie if you'd like. Sorry, we're just going to have to do the typical license and registration. No, no, I'm not asking for it. I'm telling you. Your license number, UX226716. And she was amazed.

He was like, no, I'm kidding. I'm kidding. That's my past. I'm going to need to see your license. And he took it. And he was like, I'm sorry. And my mom was like, what? It's not expired.

I was just at the DMV two months ago. It can't be expired. And he said, no, I'm going to have to get you for driving without a license. She said, what? And he said, well, this isn't a license. This is a $2 bill. And he handed it right back to her. That's incredible. Wasn't there the biggest child girl trafficking case

east of the Ohio River in the last 10 years? And he was on case for it? Yeah. They were just like, oh yeah, it's terrible. 17 women missing.

They just disappeared into thin air. He's just like, fuck. it's terrible. 17 women missing. They just disappeared into thin air. He's just like, fuck. He's good. He was just jealous. He was so jealous. And they found all but... It's morbid. Yeah, it's terrible.

It's hard even... It's incredible. But impressive, right? Wait a minute, you said he didn't leave a trace? Into thin air air what the fuck he was furious but they found all but one woman and they caught the guy and they had him

in the interrogation room and Dan went up to his partner he's like alright let's do the same old sane cop blame cop what the hell are you talking about? Good cop, bad cop? No, it's just sane cop.

No, I always thought it was sane cop, blame cop. Do you want to be sane cop or blame cop? Flastic, what the fuck in the fucking hell is sane cop, blame cop? What is that? Let's get in there. Let's interrogate this motherfucker. All right, so what do I do? You just be the same cop.

I guess I'll take Blaine cop. They go in and the other cop is like tell us how you did it. Dan was like no don't. No. That's the first rule.

A magician never reveals his tricks. Do not tell us how you did it. Man to man I'm in here right now. I'm telling you. Don't do not. Tell us how you did it. Man to man, I'm in here right now. I'm telling you, you shouldn't do this. You made those girls disappear. Kyle, the ad calls for breaking news music. So if you could make a little jingle. Do do do.

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at manscaped.com. 20% off free shipping code anus manscaped.com use code anus unlock your confidence and always use the right tools for the job with manscaped movie quotes dominated like our adolescence childhood what do you mean that was like how you were funny you just quoted a movie yeah i? That was like how you were funny. You just quoted a movie. Yeah, I guess so. That was like the simplest recipe ever. Anchorman. Yeah, all of that shit.

Dodgeball. Yes, that was. That's a big one. That was probably on the Mount Rushmore. We don't have that anymore. When is the last movie that's like people quote? They go, you're chilling with your boys like we are now, and people quoted it. I don't know.

Probably like 12 Years a Slave. Super bad. 10 years and years 12 years ago people aren't quoting 12 years of slave throwing things out there quoting quote like you hear your friends screaming you're just like oh they quoted boy in the striped pajamas just now no that's just i think people i think forrest gump would have the best potential. But everyone always does the Jenny. Jedi. Yeah, that doesn't work anymore. I think we need a sequel. A sequel or a remake?

I mean, what is the difference? A remake is just the same story. A sequel is another story. FG2. FG2? FG2. This time, it's more. ItG2. FG2? FG2. This time, it's, this time it's more.

It's more. Yeah. This time he needed an hour more on his IEP meeting. There it is. It's just him living through

everything since. No, well, the first Forrest Gump, he was an accidental hero. And so this one, he's an accidental villain. So everything bad that's happened, it's been his fault. Oh, indirect.

Wholesomely, indirectly. After I ran across the country, I moved to Paris and I was a driver for royalty. Oh, okay. No, no, no. He was following. I had a camera and I wanted to capture a picture of the most beautiful princess. But she was driving a Mercedes-Benz. She was going through a tunnel, and I didn't get the biggest flashball Buddy could buy.

So that happened. All right, yeah. He was the most beautiful woman I've ever seen. All right, let's work through the years. She was a princess. The sub even said she was a princess. That was, what year was that? 97.

Okay, so 99 was Columbine. No. I want to say this. Please let me do this. Okay, I'll pass. No. We'll give you a 9-11. You can do a 9-11.

Okay, yeah. Oh, God. was he in the plane or was he in the tower he was in the second tower he was doing the first one good he was like i'm sure you'll work in the south tower i was bopping floors at the tallest building i've ever seen there was a gigantic explosion from the other building across from us and i said i assured them that there is no chance that two buildings explode that was just a bomb i'll run outside and check on it you wait here in fact make sure you don't evacuate that's the most dangerous thing you could do if anything go to the sky lobby on the 78th floor and wait there do not take the stairwell down stay where you are too long take the elevator

if you're in a meeting just stay there um you've been you've been wrestling awfully hard mr benoit you've been a cranky you should spend some more time with your family you have the most beautiful wife and children oh my god blow some steam off after it was 2008 and i got a job as a banker i was giving out loans to everybody uh okay yeah finally something less more less yeah i tried mass killings yeah yeah still ruin life well they're still ruin lives for sure yeah um i feel like we might have skipped a beat between those years. What? I guess. Yeah, maybe.

I just want to fucking get away, be one with nature, go to the Rocky Mountains, maybe a suburb of Denver. Oh, Jesus Christ. Don't. I'm not. I dressed up as a superhero. I invited my friend and said he should be there. It was a long line. And one boy seemed to be embarrassed that he had his face painted. I told him, don't.

If anything, be more. Be more like him, don't. If anything, be more. Be more like him. Jesus Christ. I'd been running and running for so many years. I wanted to see how good I was. Don't do it. Oh, wait. I went up to Boston.

Oh, no, no, no. I remember my mom told me, if you keep digging a hole long enough, you'll end up in China. I didn't believe her, but I did it. I started doing it in 2009, and people saw me, and they just kept joining me. And then we were digging and digging, and by the end of it, I popped my head up. You were digging for 10 years, 2009 to 2019. Yeah, how long do you think it would take to dig? FG-1, he ran.

FG-2, he just digs. Yeah, they're pitching the movie, like, the first one, he ran. The second one, he's going to fucking dig. He's going to keep digging. He's going to dig to China. When I popped my head up in...

I was starving half to death. I said I was so hungry, I could eat a bat. I popped my head up and I was in central China. In the middle of China. Forrest Gump 3, he discovers a time machine. Go in which direction? If I make a joke, what kind of joke can I make for the future?

The future. He gets late onset smallpox. Not by age, but by historical eras. Historical smallpox, yeah. No one's had this in ten eras. Nah, that one. Go back in time. You could go back, maybe

this is low-hanging fruit, but continue. I feel like I know what you mean. Be an art teacher. Yeah, up there. I gave my worst student constructive criticism. I'm not saying he was bad at art, but I feel like another field was more suitable for him. I said, now don't get me wrong,

the bat didn't taste bad by any means, but by the time I got back to the States, I was craving a real american meal so i ordered myself a pizza and it was the best pizza i've ever tasted in my life it was so good i had to get to the bottom of who made it and i ended up scoring a meeting with that man and i said it's a it's an honor to meet you mr mr john mr john and i i picked his brain for a little bit i said why stop at such a delicious pizza why stop there you could be doing so much more you could be that was the Why stop there? That pizza was delicious. You should say the N-word. He agreed with me.

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Yes. Instead of nuts.com? Sorry, I still have kind of like a New England twang. Do they say, don't say nuts.com? I have not started the ad read yet so you can get out all the jokes because please no inappropriate jokes.'t say nuts.com? I have not started the ad read yet, so you can get out all the jokes, because please know inappropriate jokes happen there. All right, nuts.com.

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