A New Untold Story - A New Untold Story: Ep. 238 - Jumbos or Minis

Episode Date: May 14, 2021

|| A New Untold Story pres by Dude Wipes: Ep. 238 || The boys call their favorite pizza places, talk about farts, and that's pretty much it on this one!!! || Producer: Melinda DoolittleYou can find every episode of this show on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or YouTube. Prime Members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. For more, visit barstool.link/anuspodcast

Hey, A New Untold Story listeners, you can find every episode on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or YouTube. Prime members can listen to ad-free on Amazon Music. A New Untold Story is presented by Dude Wipes. Dudes, we need to have a serious chat about your bathroom habits. It's time to quit shitty, scratchy toilet paper and switch to Dude Wipes. Dude Wipes are an extra-large, flushable wipe made with a plant-sourced fiber designed to give your anus a cleaner, more refreshing than TP after dropping a deuce out of your butt. Think about it.

When you wash your face, hands, or body, use the water to get yourself clean. So when it comes to the dirtiest thing we do, taking a shit, guess what? We use dry toilet paper. It makes no sense, no sense at all. Well, now you can use dude wipes, and they will change your life, and your butthole will thank you. Kyle, do an impression of a butthole thanking you yeah that was pretty good okay that was that was better okay he's like it's like he's like gently tapping your rectum to be like hey like thanks

you know like when you have to like my butthole's not Thank a driver that's parallel to you. You don't want... Yours? No. Okay. Okay, fine. Yeah. Continuing. Use dude wipes. They will change your life and your butthole will thank you. You'll never look at an empty toilet paper roll the same way again.

Be prepared for any situation with dude wipes. They come in at home or on-the-go options. You can find them at Amazon, Walmart, or Target nationwide, or what we recommend is go to dudewipes.com so you can use promo code ANUS15, that's A-N-U-S-1-5, for 15% off your entire order. Kyle, right now I'm holding the to-go, the on-the-go Dude Wipes.

I could slide this into my pocket, into my wallet, and it's very's it's very wet but in your there's no moisture that comes out you can keep this in your butt and you're like well then you would have to unwrap it you could unwrap it with your butt it's so easy to unwrap it's so easy yeah so you just put it in your ass and it's it's small it's miniature it's pocket size it's it would fit it fit. For the average circumf. Yeah.

You could just, yeah, it's done. The deed is done. And I haven't looked at a toilet paper roll the same way again. The packaging will disintegrate and it'll just, it'll clean your ass. It will clean your, yeah, that is 100% true. And on the website, you can customize which plant source fibers you want it made out of. Yeah, what did you go with? You can go with sycamore. I went with bamboo shoots.

You can go with a sequoia, Venus flytrap, cactus. You can go with any plant. All the most comfortable ones. All the most comfortable plant-sourced fibers. And it says you'll never look at a toilet paper tube the same way again, and that's very true. But have you seen that viral tweet? but have you seen that uh like viral tweet like if your dick is like you don't feel both sides of the toilet paper tube when your dick's in it and it doesn't stick out the end then you have a small dick you don't feel both like you put your hard dick in it and okay you don't feel both it

should be girthy enough to to do that but it also rub against both yeah that and that is long enough it should it should peek out the other side. Maybe we can bust that myth. Yeah, we can. Is that your reply to what I'm going to say? No, you're just going to say, no, that's a new untold story. Hey, is that story old or told? No, baby!

It's a new untold story. A new untold story. It's a fresh, big untold story. I've been worried I have a sneaking suspicion That the girl I've been hooking up with is gay. This always happens to you. They leave you for a girl. No, no, no.

Lesbian eyes. Not lesbian eyes. Lesbian eyes, lesbian eyes, lesbian eyes. Yeah. No, no. I think she's gay. Oh, like real gay? Yeah, yeah.

I'll look down and she'll be... That's way worse than a lesbian. The way she takes my dick is is well she's taking it in the first place yeah taking a ticket yeah and so i look down as i'm thrusting i'm just like pause fucking or like i bring a girl hey whoa like the straightest the only straight thing you can do is kiss a girl Get back up here I'll take a girl home from a bar And like we'll be making out on my bed

And then she'll like work her way down And start undoing my pants Start fiddling around with your buttons What in the fuck Are you doing Get back up here And kiss me Get the fuck get the fuck whoa yeah like what the fuck

you're just gonna put that you're just gonna go down on me you're not even on a d you're not even gonna tell me like don't you think you should give me a heads up that yeah that you're gay fucking pause get your ass back up here, and fucking kiss me. Yeah, pause, elevate, kiss. Yeah, P-E-K. Yeah, peck. Yes. Peck me.

It's the pecking order. Yeah, it is the pecking order. And that's, I am so tired of looking down when I'm inside of a woman and seeing she's taking it. Act like the woman you are. You guys just got back from your trip to what? Non-coastal Florida? Why are you like writhing in pain and grimacing right now? Yeah, why are you?

Do your clothes hurt or something? Mine don't. Do yours? No. Owen. They're stiff. Are they, like, breaking? Oh, God.

Yeah, my pants are near shattering. My only way to trash, like, competitor clothing brands is to, like, say they break. We have one joke. Yeah. And they keep buying this ad. Everyone... We have one joke and they keep buying this ad. We have one joke for this.

Let's go. Let's roll. Your shirt looks broken. No wonder you're in pain. Did you drop your shirt this morning? Shards of the sleeve digging into your fucking arm. I didn't drop my shirt.

I nicked it on a doorway. It's got a big crack right on the side. I fucking cracked my shirt. You're going to get infected. Shirts don't rip. They crack. You've got a crack down your shirt.

What are you doing? Oh, fuck. What should I be doing? Do you want your clothes to not hurt? Yep. To not drive you crazy up the wall? You're still in Paramus Pizza Man voice. Before you pack for your next adventure, which is something that people do.

Which is something similar to your last trip to Napa. Yeah, good. Don't forget to check out Bare Bottom Clothing. They actually sent us. They sent us a ton of stuff. Three boxes, and I felt every garment. I only need one thing from them. My hand is fine.

I'm not even calloused. every garment. I only need one thing from them. My hand is fine. I'm not even calloused. I only need one because it won't break. They have the safest blouses. Yes.

They will not hurt. Yeah. You're not putting your body in danger with these. It combines premium style and comfort for an insane value. They do things differently. Yeah. We know. No OSHA violations going on at bare bottom. Founded on the principle that comfortable,

made-to-last menswear shouldn't cost you an arm and a leg. Literally. Your body is going to deteriorate from wearing other brands. And it's not just going to slice off. It will wear off. It'll rub down.

It'll erosion. It'll erode. Yeah. You got smallpox. Much like that. They're five-star rated short swim trunks. Fucking trunks. And T's have a cult-like following, which is what I want from my clothes.

Yes. Following of thousands of guys who have made bare bottom the MVP of their closets. The internet's best deal on high quality and versatile. I'm still talking about bare bottom the mvp of their closets um the internet's best deal on high quality and versatile i'm still talking about uh bare bottom yeah yeah it sounded like the ad you can get two pairs of their best-selling stretch shorts okay plus they're anti-microbial i fucking i knew it i knew there was something there was some twist in moisture wicking tech tea for under 100 bucks if it's if it's not the cracks, it's the microbes. The microbes will get you. And it's the sneaky killer.

It's a silent killer. Yeah, it's like the rabies of... Microbes. Of what? I don't know. Yeah. You got a promo code or anything? Yeah, please give us a promo code.

You're bagging me. Yeah. Right now, our listeners get free shipping on their first order of these super comfortable, safe, not dangerous, not life-threatening, by any means, threads at barebottomclothing.com with code ANUS. That's A-N-U-S. Just go to barebottomclothing.com. You know how to spell it by now.

B-E-A-R. Bottomclothing.com. Use code ANUS. Free shipping. First order. Thanks, Kel. Remember the pizza phase girls went through? Oh, yeah.

It was like Nike, Nikki Heaton. I thought it was Jennifer Lawrence. She did. She like really mainstream popularized it with like, she was like. She mainstreamed pizza? Yeah, she mainstreamed pizza in bathtubs. No, no, okay.

So Jennifer Lawrence was just, I'm a celebrity who eats junk food, and maybe I'll burp. Yeah. And everyone was like, holy fuck. Holy shit. From Katniss Everdeen from The Hunger Games. And she eats the most popular food.

Like, Kay Heaton was more just, I'm hot and eat pizza. She held pizza. Naked, yeah. She would, like, order a jumbo. A jumbo pie? And, like, cover her body in it. Like, look at, yeah. She, what happened?

I have not heard anything from her she um yeah what is she her and i have you ever ordered a pizza no a jumbo yeah i couldn't think of you couldn't think of a large or extra large and you said jumbo yeah we're gonna do one of those jumbo. Hey, anybody want to go halves on a jumbo? Yeah. What are the sizes to you? Okay, well, jumbo would be the biggest.

Yeah. And like a mini. And what about in between? There's got to be something in between mini and mini and jumbo yeah not that i know yeah what the like what the fuck would be in between those yeah i guess there is it doesn't two sizes fucking mini or jumbo? Actually, call a pizza place right now and ask if they have jumbo pies. Okay.

Ask how much a jumbo pie is and ask how much a mini pie is. If they're like, we don't have jumbo, they'll just be like, fine, I'll do two minis. I guess two minis makes a jumbo. How many minis make a jumbo? Like 50. I don't know. Because it's a fucking jumbo. I mean, minis are tiny. I'm calling...

What are you calling? Daninos in Staten Island. Alright, and if you're listening, why don't you go ahead and? Daninos in Staten Island Alright And if you're listening Why don't you go ahead And call Daninos as well See if they have minis or jumbo Shut the fuck up

Daninos Yeah Daninos Yeah Do you guys serve the Jumbo pies? No we don't Minis?

No Are you guys Are you out of pizza? Sorry. Are you out of pizza? Sorry? Are you out of pizza today? No, we only do large parts. Oh, you don't do the jumbo anymore? No, just the large parts.

Okay. All right. All right, Al. Have a good one. There. Don't laugh. Don't laugh. What? Who are you calling now? Dude, Joe and Pat. there's what here you call it now Joe let me see what they got I can't believe they were out of pizza they just didn't have any all right so you don't have fucking minis.

You don't have jumbos. Why did you even pick up my call? All right. What's going on? You want me to call one? No, I was trying to think of a type of pizza that I could pretend to order. Pepperoni. A pepperoni jumbo?

Take two. You guys still open for pickup? Yes. All right, I'll take... Can I get one jumbo pepperoni? Okay. And then one mini? You want a small or an individual?

I'll just take the jumbo and then the mini pepperoni. Both pepperoni. Okay, well, the size of the have are individual, small, and large. Do you want a small pie for the... Nah. Or the individual? I don't need the mini. I'll just take one jumbo. So one large

pepperoni pie? You said large? Yeah, that's the biggest we have. Oh, you don't have jumbo anymore. I'm sorry. Yeah, have's the biggest we have. Oh, you don't have jumbo anymore. I'm sorry. Yeah, have a good one. I'm telling you, what the fuck? What's next?

Everything's getting smaller. The Cadbury eggs are getting smaller. Fuck, the sizes of cereal boxes and now pizza. Can't get the jumbo. That's unbelievable. Back in 2014 when Nikki Heaton was, Nike? Nikki?

Nikki Heaton was popular. She would have the big jumbo laid out on her bed in real sexy lingerie. And she would hold one of the jumbo slices up to her mouth. Her friend, big breasts. Yeah, jumbos. Would sit there

And they would pretend to eat I don't think they would ever even They would never eat They would have the crust Up above their head Yeah And there would be like Chips next to the jumbo pot

Yeah They would have a jumbo For the photo shoot And then they would split them And it was always on a bag And like girls They wanted to be She was the only

Instagram model back then. So they were like, all right, we're going to order jumbos. And they would eat them. They would eat them. In bed, in the bath? And then, yeah, then there was the freshman 15.

What's her... I can't find her on Instagram. When was the last time she posted a jumbo? I'll find it. Where are you calling now? Savino's. Paramus. New Jersey. Yeah, Savino's. You better be Italian.

Savino's on Oradell. Yes? Yes, a sec. Are you guys still open for pickup? Yes. Alright. Are you all out of the hot sandwiches yet? I'm sorry? Are you all out of the hot sandwiches yet?

Am I out of the hot sandwiches? No. Okay. Then give me one Palm Hero. For pickup or delivery? This is for pickup. What's the phone number? It's 304-

Why are you doing this? 639. Do you got the jumbo pies? For slices? Jumbo pies? Yeah, just the jumbo size pie. Oh, I didn't know. You're all out of that. All right, then I'll just do a mini pepperoni.

Can you finish the phone number? 204-639. If you're out of the jumbo, then don't worry about it. Do you want to place an order? Yeah, if you're out of the jumbo, I shouldn't. I can't handle this. shouldn't. Yep, just a sec. You there? Yeah.

All right, just a sec. Okay. Let me know when you're ready. Yeah. All right, just a sec. Okay. Let me know when you're ready. Yeah. All right. You guys got the jumbo pies? A jumbo pie? Yes, just one jumbo pepperoni.

Hey, this is Monji Amos. Yeah, Monji. Okay. So are you all out of the jumbo? I personally, hold up. I've never had a jumbo pie, so. Yeah, just the, it's the biggest, the biggest size. Oh, a large?

16? Nah, I can't do a large. We got a big party. I got to do a jumbo. If you can't do the jumbo, I can just do like 50 minis. Yeah, hold on. Take your time. Thank you for holding.

We sincerely appreciate your patience. Please stay on the line. We'll be back in a moment. Hello? How we doing? Yeah, so... I'm still confused on what you want. Just one jumbo pepperoni, and if you're all out of the jumbos, I can do 40, 50 minis. Like 50 personals?

Nah, we gotta do minis. 50 minis, or if you can, we'll take a jumbo. Are you sure you're calling the right place? This is Mongeamos in Paramus. In Paramus, New Jersey. Yeah. Can you order from here, please? Just a sec. It's like 20 to 30 people. It'll be a second.

We got a... It's like 20 to 30 people. It'll be a party. I don't think... I'm just torn between the one jumbo should fill us up, but if not, I think 50 minis. 50, about 50. Hold on one second.

Yeah, take your time. Very clearly just started this job. Hello? How we doing? How we doing? Can I have your name? Yeah, Kyle. All right. And you've ordered from here before, yes or no? Is this Mangiano's? This is Mangiano's

in Paramus. Yeah, but okay. I haven't had your pies. I've gotten Jumbo's, the other place in Paramus. I've gotten Jumos. The other place in premise. I've gotten jumbos before. We have a big party, so I don't think that's the... I mean, it's either the jumbo or the mini. And it would have to be a bunch of minis. Kyle. Owen. Fellas.

Yeah. Kyle. Oh, fellas. Yeah. Kyle. Oh, what? Are you hungry? Are you hungry? No, we just ate. Oh, my God, Nick. Are you doing an ad?

Starving. Good. But don't have much money. Yeah, I know. Or time. Or time. Well, luckily, we have HelloFresh. HelloFresh cuts out the stressful meal planning of grocery store trips so you can enjoy cooking

and getting dinner on the table in about 30 minutes or less. HelloFresh offers 25-plus recipes to choose from each week, from vegetarian meals to Kraft burgers and extra special gourmet options. There's something for everyone to enjoy, with all recipes designed and tested by professional chefs and nutritional experts to ensure deliciousness and simplicity. Owen, what have you been munching on from HelloFresh? Salmon. Yeah, we've all been munching on salmon,

and we've really, really liked it a lot. And luckily, you guys can check it out too. Go to HelloFresh.com slash Untold12. That's Untold12. And use code Untold12 for 12 free meals, including free shipping. Go to HelloFresh.com slash Untold12. And use code Untold12 for 12 free meals, including free shipping. America's number one meal kit is HelloFresh. I was thinking of a Footloose reboot.

You know, like Footloose, it was this guy who danced. This is so dumb. Moved to a town where you're not allowed to dance. That was the Footloose premise. Dancing is illegal. Okay. So I was thinking of one where this guy moves to a town and you're not allowed to fart. So his first day in school...

I can see that being a law somewhere. Yeah, like there's no farting in this town. Owen, can you play a long fart? This town ain't big enough for the toots. What is the setting? A classroom. It's his first day. It's like, everybody introducing Michael.

He's new here. And he sits down. He's like, all right, everybody passes out like a test. Quiet. It's test time. And then he sits down. Scantron? Yeah.

Yeah, he sits down. It's just like you just hear the pencils against paper. And then he's just there in the front row, very comfortable already, and just. Dude. Are you serious? Shut the fuck up. You're gonna get us in trouble. Dude, dude.

Shut the fuck up. Shut up, dude. Are you serious? Stop. You can't be serious. Dude, shut up. Dude, shut the fuck up. Dude.

Was that a fucking fart? The sheriff. He's like, the sheriff hates him what's that fucking dude what the dude are you serious I know you're new bro

bro did you just fucking oh my god day one day one day fucking fourth honey how was your first day of school not good

I can't believe you fucking made me move here you know I love to rip ass I hate you and dad. Just want to go back to my old school and fucking fart. Just need to go back to my old school. Dad just had to fucking move and get a higher paying fucking fart please.

You knew I was going to fucking hate it here. Why can't I stay with grandma? Go back to my old school and fart. Honey, you know, you'll learn to love it. Yeah, it was one thing. To fucking change schools. Leave all my friends, family behind. No.

When I agreed to leave all my friends, family behind. No. When I agreed to leave all my friends behind, it was one thing. You can't even fart in this. No, you don't understand, Dad. When I agreed to uproot my entire life,

leave all my friends behind to change schools, never see them again, that was one thing, and I agreed to... Fuck. No, you don't understand, Dad. It was one thing when I agreed to uproot my entire life and leave all my friends behind but you can't even fucking say it

say it okay from the top when you said we were moving From the top. When you said we were moving... No, dad. It's you who doesn't understand. No, you don't understand, dad. When you said we were moving and I agreed to uproot my entire life, leave all of my friends behind, all of my best friends.

That was one thing. But you can't even fucking. The cute girl is like waiting for him when the class bell rings and she's like, I smelled your fart in class. You must be the new guy the jocks like push them up against the locker heard you farted in class everyone in this stupid little big town hates farts no dad i don't think they're that scary its farts. No, Dad. I don't think they're that scary. No, Dad.

That's the thing, Dad. No, Dad. You don't understand. When you said we were moving and I agreed to uproot my entire life and leave every single one of my friends behind just to appease you and your career. Leave every single one of my friends behind 300 miles away to move to a new town. That was one thing, dad.

But you can't even fart in this town. Is that the wording? But now I can't even fart in this town is that the wording or i but now i can't even fart but now you're telling me i can't even fart that's it yeah one more time he's so smug yeah yeah that's the thing dad you're the one who doesn't understand no dad no dad that's the thing with you. This time, it's you who doesn't understand. No, no, I'll start from the top.

No, Dad. You don't understand. When I agreed to uproot my entire life and leave every single one of my friends behind 300 miles away to move to a completely new town just to appease you and your career that was one thing but now i'm fuck come on but now i'm what is what was the word how do you end it now i can't even for now but now you're telling me I can't even fart in this town? No, dad. It's you who doesn't understand.

When I agreed to uproot my entire life, to switch schools and move 300 miles away and leave every single one of my friends behind that was one thing but now you're telling me i can't even fart in this town no i don't think that's it this one this one is uh top 20 angry grandpa farts part two top 20 angry grandpa farts part two. Top 20 angry grandpa farts. I really hope it's just the sound effect of the fart. And you can just tell.

You can tell that he's pissed. And he's a grandfather. Yes. Not just old, but he has two generations of spawn. Yeah. You can just tell from the fart that there is no other context other than the fart but you can you can hear yeah the anger you can hear the generational you can hear his family within the fart it starts the video with just

just a black screen white comic sans please no hate that's a good good i love yeah it probably works too wait wait yeah yeah okay he's he's in that window of time where he's close to like uh early stage dementia yes and when like a dementia man's farts are much different much different he doesn't recognize you know when somebody's getting old but you still compliment them be like he's still you know for his age he's still sharp that's that's the fart that fart that's that fart but outfit change he went from an la county fire department t-shirt to now he's wearing one that says exercise exercise eggs are size eggs are sides for bacon bacon that's got to be a huge. It's like the long, like a, we should,

a shirt that like two, like a 2001 Allen Iverson shirt. What is he? Yeah. Like long as hell. Oh God. Oh, there's parts three.

There's part three. Yeah. Top comment. If this is what happens when you get old, I can't wait. Yeah. This guy. Yo, nobody told me you fart when you get old. That's freaking epic.

What the fuck? Yeah. I guess you can't grandpa fart as a young person. I think that's what he was referring to. He can fart well, just not in that genre. That genre of fart yeah that's great that's grandpa it's like you have to get castrated to reach whatever that that one uh people talk about like dad dick grandpa fart yeah we always talk about it yeah people always talk about dad dick and then it's grandpa fart the grandpa fart And those are benefits of aging as a male.

I cannot wait until I have kids and they have kids and then I can just let loose. Anally. Yeah. But angrily too. Angrily and elderly. Grandpa.

Grandpa, is that a fucking firecracker? Grandpa, you know where we live, right? Is that like an involuntary reaction to like extreme ire? Fart? Instead of like saying, fuck! And then you always have that like one grandpa who kind of, at like the family parties, you know, like farts racially. Everybody does. at those parties. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. you