A New Untold Story - A New Untold Story: Ep. 240 - Best of Fictional Debates

Episode Date: June 1, 2021

|| A New Untold Story: Ep. 240 - Best of Fictional Debates || The boys reminisce on our fictional debates from early quarantine! || Producer: Intern Mark Del FiggaloYou can find every episode of this show on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or YouTube. Prime Members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. For more, visit barstool.link/anuspodcast

Hey, A New Untold Story listeners, you can find every episode on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or YouTube. Prime members can listen to ad-free on Amazon Music. This week's episode of Anus is brought to you by Dude Wipes. Dudes, we need to... Hello. Excuse me. That's me, uh, me, Kermit. Oh, the frog? Yeah, sure.

Can I do the read for Dude Wipes? Okay. Go for it. Dudes, you need to have a serious chat about your bathroom habits. It's time to quit shitty, scratchy toilet paper and switch to dude wipes. Dude wipes are extra large flushable wipes made with plant-sourced fibers designed to give your anus a cleaner, more refreshing finish than TP after dropping a deuce out of your anus.

So this is customized copy for you. My podcast with Fozzy, we don't do this. Think about it. When you wash your face, hands, or body, you use water to get yourself clean. So when it comes to the dirtiest thing we do, taking a shit, why do we use dry toilet paper? It's scratchy on my ass. Dry toilet paper.

One ply? Yes, terrible. No, not any longer. We use dude wipes and they'll change your life forever. Your anus will thank you. And you'll never look again at an empty toilet paper roll the same way. Be prepared for any situation with dude wipes. Me and Piggy, we take them all over

the place. They come in at home and on the go options. You can find them at Amazon. I'm now starting to sound like Sarah Palin. Walmart or Target nationwide or go to dudewipes.com and use ANUS15, A-N-U-S-1-5, for 15% off your entire order. This has been me, Kermit the Frog, good friend of the pod. I have my own podcast with Fozzy. That impression went off the rails for a minute there,

but it came back strong. That guy sounded like the former governor of Alaska. Yeah. Dude wipes. Notable role played by Lisa Ann as well. Yeah, dude wipes. Anus 15, 15% off your order. Everyone has buttholes.

Everyone deserves to take care of them. It's a fresh, big, untold story. I knew I'm told. First team. It's Serial Mascots. Serial Mascots is the first team. At point guard, age 92 years old, standing at 6 inches, 1 pound. We got Crackle.

At shooting guard, 1 foot, 8 inches, 8 pounds, 67 years old. We have Digum the Frog. Small forward, standing at 6'8", 240. 143 years old, the Quaker from Quaker Oaks. 49 years old, 6'10", 275, Frankenberry. Looking a little off there. And then that face when you nut. At center, 73 years old, nine feet tall, 1,150 pound sugar bear from Sugar Crisp.

Beef. Yeah. Half a ton? That's a big boy. And then they will be taking on their opponents television hosts uh point guard 75 years old 5-1-105 and robinson from the weakest link uh at shooting guard 58 years old 5-9-182 pounds jeff probes from survivor uh small forward deceiving 5-11 198 198 pounds, 68 years old, Jay Leno. Power forward 6'2", 68 years old, 220 pounds, Steve Harvey. And then center.

West Virginia boy. Hailing from United Kingdom, 6'2", 220, 53 is his age, Gordon Ramsey. Gordon Ramsey. And there are the logo. Ramsey that big? Okay. So here's our matchups. Floor is yours I feel like

the Quaker guy grew up playing basketball in carpeted gyms I feel like he has good handles so I'm going to start there for a small four Jeff where did you find out from 6'8"? It was a quick Google and it said 6'8".

No, it wasn't, Jeff. It was 6'8". You came for that information. He also probably wears shoes with a little heel. Oh, the heel probably. Very thin shoes, though. You just want to go match-up by match-up? Let's go by match-up.

Crackle versus Ann Robinson. He's a little man. Crackle versus Ann Robinson. He's a little man. Crackle is, yeah. I mean, and I don't know how he performs without snap or pop. It's true. That's a good point. Yeah. So you don't know about that.

I don't know how he works solo. He's the shortest on the team, and he's also the second oldest. Like, not great. Ann Robinson would step on him emotionally and physically. The lead's getting smaller, though. him emotionally and physically the league's getting smaller though we can't say the league's getting smaller and then a guy comes up he's six inches tall he didn't get the nod so which side is it fellas where's there's gonna be a line to this how do you pass to him i don't think crackle is going to be a factor no oh famous last words you know no it's bit me in the past yeah after what he did 98 99

and 2000 okay he's the size of jeff brooks cock i don't think he's gonna do a good matchup crackle could die on court there's a chance crackle gets killed here big time diggum isn't safe either so are we going to got the leaping ability at least. And Robinson in the point guard matchup. I'm ignorant. So Digum, what can he do? He eats honey smack from far away with his long tongue.

He's got a spoon. He's getting exposed. It's simple playing. You don't want to get digged out. He's fucked. The backcourt here is uh impressive for the cereal no i agree completely backwards i think they've got a good one i don't know but i don't know about diggum though i'm very worried about diggum i just asked the front court yeah correct me yeah the tv host win the backc, but then it all goes downhill.

Backcourt is the smaller guy. No, no. Yeah, yeah, yeah. There is a nine-foot bear. There is a nine-foot 1,000-pound bear. He's 70 years old. That's the wildest thing about him. Yeah, he's a good age for that team.

What's the average lifespan of, what is he, a grizzly? He should be long dead. What did you call him, Tyler? You called him Bob Hope on LCB, I believe. Yeah, that sounds right. He's a big ripoff of Bob Hope. He's more or less the same guy.

Sugar Bear just did USO tours. Stand up. He has no athletic ability. And he just eats sugar all day long. So is he even passing that first physical? He's got type 2. He's not going to make it on the court. I got to take the cereal. Well, I just got dunked on.

I, yeah, I just, I mean, nine foot, 1,000 pound bear. That's, it's hard to get past, right? Good luck. Who's the best player on the TV host team? Probably Probst. Yeah. I'd say Probst. Yeah. Who's the worst? I feel like leno's the worst right it's gonna be ramsey over leno well the british do not know how to play basketball it's ben

gordon oh you're about to get a pumpy my friend does that mean mean nothing to you yeah it has the thing about leno would be watching him arrive to the arena every night pulling up in a new car. Every night he'd pull up in some new clown car and he'd tell you what it is. Seinfeld might be with him too. They might be shooting a comedian getting coffee.

Comedians in cars playing basketball against serial mascots? Would Steve Harvey be playing in one of his zoot suits? Of course he would. What do you mean, would he be playing? Is Quaker O's playing in the head? Of course he's playing. What are you talking about?

I think Frankenberry is unstoppable. He probably is strong. He's big. He's a big boy. They live long. I need some rest. I don't think he has a soul either.

No. He has no conscience. He's like a zombie ghoul. Jamal Crawford. He's also some sort of Eastern European. He's like Nikola Pekovic or something. That's his comp. He's got that

little whistle on the side of his head, too. So don't underrate that. I think we have to give it to Serial, right? I'm voting Serial. We're doing a vote. We've got an Adam-sized man

in a federal... Waker's got the size,sized man and a federalist. Waker's got the size, but he's 143 years old. There's no denying that Crackle will die. He will die. Who's the locker room cancer? Who's the locker room cancer on each team? It's easily Leno.

I feel like it's also Leno and Harvey. I feel like it's both of them. Both team cancers on the same team. Crackle? No. No. Crackle is a non-factor. Leno... It's Leno and Harvey, and then Probst would stoke the flames of them going back and forth because he wants one of them to get kicked off.

He would like an instance of flames. Do you think Quaker's like AC Green here? Guess no pussy? He's Volsel. Quaker either fucks a lot or he never fucks. gets no pussy? He's ball sell. He doesn't want to fuck. Refuses. Will not do it. Someone said

TV votes in a blowout. Sugar Bear, he can't make the free throw. Just follow Sugar Bear. Can't make any free throws. Back of Sugar Bear. I agree. Make a close vote. I vote cereal.

Nick, who do you vote? Cereal. I think it's cereal in a wash. Cereal. It's cereal, the size. The bear. They have a nine-foot bear. There's a septuagenarian bear.

Okay, but the bear has to wear a diaper. Wait, like, Reed rules he has to wear a diaper? Yeah. Like, the bear's just had to wear a diaper since 53. Listen, the Quaker Oats dude is in his 140s. Like, diapers is nothing new for this team. Exactly. Yeah.

There are three non-factors on that team, but the bear and then the undead monster. Yeah. All right. So they'll face what we're going to move cereal on. We're going to move on cereal. They're going to face the winner of the next matchup. First team in the next matchup.

Pop culture icons. Pop culture icons. At point guard, standing at 5'8", 152 pounds, 37 years old. Tay Zonday is the point guard. Oh, hello. We'll fire up Charlie. But your top is 25. Never ages.

Shooting guard, 5'9", 179 pounds, 31 years old. It's Beardo from Dude Perfect. Who would have possibly found Beardo and Tay Zonday's height and weight? He would never miss. He would do a hook shot. He would do a hook shot. Beardo. Small forward, 39 years old.

A shocking only 5' 5 10 174 pounds it's uh dj paulie d is a small forward i can't believe icon beardo well you'll never believe this one six one the second tallest guy on the team is playing power forward only a buck 70, 20 years old. That's right. It's Carter Wilkinson, the Nuggets kid, the Wendy's Nuggets kid that powers forward. He's 6'1"? Fuck that.

6'1". That was an estimation by looking at a picture of him next to Ellen. And then at center, 20 years old, one of the richest new athletes in the world, 6'2", 168. It's Tyler Blevins, a.k.a. Ninja, at center. He's 6'2", interesting. Not a lot of height. Not a lot of girth on this team, yeah. They're taking on weirdos is the team they're taking on.

So not beardos. Beardo. Beardo. At point guard, 35 years old, 5'7", 154 pounds. Mark Zuckerberg's playing point guard for the Weirdos. Oh, brother. Shooting guard. He's actually 5'8", 130 years old. He's now 40 years old.

You've not seen him since his 20s. He's 40 years old. It's Skeeter from the show Doug. He was a blazing Hall of Fame. Yeah, he is. Skeeter was good for the Heat, man.

Hey, Skeeter, how'd you get your nickname? Leo Valentino. Small forward. He's now 33 years old. 5'8", but probably a little shorter with his posture. It's Brainy from Hey Arnold, the guy that gets punched by Helga. Him and Skeeter got the same nickname the same way.

Hey Brainy, how'd you get your nickname? I see the small forward. Who was her name? Helga Patel. Helga Patel. No, Helga Patel. No, Olga Patel. No, Olga was a sister. She was Eric Thornton's first sex slave.

I love Eugene and Brady. Howard Ford is throat monster. um power forward is throat monster actually it's a little bit of top it's a little bit of top like this team at all. Caratops get a lot of girth to them, let me tell you. Dude, that's 185 pounds of muscle.

Which top is this? This is prime top. Prime top. This is primo top here with us. This is new father. We have the rights to that. New father, 6'2", matches up well with the 6'2 ninja, and that is

Elon Musk rounding out the Weirdos. I don't like this team at all. It's not from Skeeter. Skeeter's probably not. It's not from Skeeter, yeah. Yeah, I think you could do enough with a Skeeter top pick and roll to really get Beardo and Nugget's kid in quite the tizzy. It's usually Nugget and Skeeter in that order.

What's Nugget's kid's name? Carter Wilkinson. Wilker wilker wilkin one of the other well thanks in the prime of his life he's a social media whiz is paulie d 510 with the hair without it might be a little taller with the hair i don't know and the headphones yeah what's what's tay zonday doing here i feel like he I feel like he's the star of the show no I feel like he's gonna be like a judge he's gonna sing the anthem

and then give you 20 the big question with these two this matchup is do you think Beardo is gonna make every shot he takes yes I mean yeah I've never seen him miss he's Beardo yeah they've never yeah he's he's i've never seen him miss he's beardo he's incredible job yeah they've never met he's a master he's a guinness god what is he five nine

shorty you think he would fuck me up or i would I've seen Girdo fall out at Dude Perfect live. He doesn't fall out. He knocks me out from 20 feet away. Dude Perfect on the ice. Girdo has second to none. He brags about that. Gird He's a locker room cancer, though. He's trying to be the alpha of the team. He would suck ass.

Does he have to try that hard, respectfully? It's Ninja and Tay Zonday on the team. Or Pauly D. Or Nuggets Kid. Nuggets Kid once tried to flame me on Twitter for saying he was Hitler. Which, like, fair. I would probably defend my honor in that case. Now I'm with him on this one, Ken James. Do you know the

actual names of the Dude Perfect guys? First and last names? Their names are shocking. Jazz Perfect. Francois. Dude Perfect guys. You have Beardo's real name. Beardo's real name is

West Virginia Wi-Fi. Okay, they're back. Tyler Tony is Beardo's name. And then you have Kobe Cotton, Corey Cotton, Cody Jones, and Garrett Hilbert. I don't like those names. Each one upset me.

I think this is the pop culture icons. I got to go there because I think Tay Zonday is a fundamentals guy. I think Beardo has range. I don't see DJ Pauly D doing much. The Nuggets Kid. I don't love these guys, but the Weirdos, aside from Carrot Top, I don't, I don't love these guys, but the, the weirdos, I don't, aside from carrot top, I don't like the weirdos either. I think maybe Skeeter has some potential, but I think,

I think you could have Musk and Zuckerberg like get together and formulate some sort of strategy based around top and skeet. And that's enough to overpower. I mean, there's other teams, just a team of dweebs like there, no one's big enough to bang in the paint with top. To be fair, Zuckerberg got dominated in the court very recently. So I don't think he's a great pick. I was going to say, the team that doesn't have Musk and Zuckerberg is the team of dweebs?

Is this what I'm hearing? Yeah. Wow. Yeah, I'm going to go icons. I'm going icons as well. Carter Wilkins. I'm going icons. He's got to be so confident. I'm going Icons as well. Carter Wilkins. I'm going Icons. He's got to be so confident.

I think Zonday goes off, man. I don't think they have an answer for him. I would say Ninja's probably the worst player on the pop culture Icons. Yes. Nuggets kid's got to be terrible. Yeah, Nuggets kid's got to stink. How fucking happy would you be, though, when Ninja hit a three and said, let's go? Like that inaugural, let's go.

Let's go. Let's go. Dude, I would love Ninja to just show up every night with a new hairstyle. Yeah. Like the Rodman of this 2020s. I think when Beardo hits a half-court shot, like from bouncing it off his taint. Yes, a perineum shot from three. A spectacular move. Yes, a perineum shot from three. A particular move.

Yeah, what's the epic song that they play in the back? Oh, yeah. He's wet. He's talking about Skeeter, but he didn't even shoot a ball. Just a guy who sounds a lot like Marv Albert, but it's not Marv Albert, but it's just an old man that lives on the street. He's exceptionally horny. That is the wettest shot I've ever seen. Yes.

Slippery on that one. I am no longer flattered. In their videos. Hey, Vande, squirts from three. Can't pin him down. He's like Sirethra out there. In their videos, whenever they make a shot, they usually play this great song. Jeff, In their videos, whenever they make a shot, they usually play this great song.

Jeff, did you just say when they make a shot? So they play that entire video? Every shot. Three starts each time. The worst part is that it is always epic. It actually is. Yeah. Top of whatever arena.

They've scored 98 points in the game. It's epic every single time. Yeah, that's Pauly D's role on the team. After he hits a shot, they cut it to him, and he drops the needle on the track. Every day I'm shuffling. All right, so Icons win. Though, KB, your votes have gone to nothing so far.

You liked the Weirdos, and you liked Sierra, and uh yeah i think yeah no yeah sass ad lib a funny story about a time you tried something new in the bedroom geez i don't know all right you don't want to do that one? You can talk about how fun sex is. All right. You know what's really fun? Sex. Sex.

Sex rocks. Sex is awesome. It's a great time for all people of every gender, every preference, sexually. Not every color. I said race. Did I say race? No. Sex is a great time for all races, sexes, preferences in the bedroom.

It's meant for everybody to have a good time, and you should have a good time. Yeah. And that's where our friends over at Cake come in. They're on a mission to help the world have more fun sex. I didn't know we could get more fun, but I'm interested to hear what they have to say. So Cake is the only sexual wellness company that's made by sex lovers for sex lovers. So that you could love having sex no matter how you do it. The founder, Cake's co-founder is gay couldn't find great products that didn't make you feel awkward af buying them so he created his own

no matter who you are no matter who you fuck no matter how you fuck cakes designed to help you try new things in the bedroom so let's get weird each and every product was created by cake by the cake team to fill a hole that needs filling in many cases quite literally in many cases the asshole needs to be filled with a dick. Yes. They have organic aloes, lubes, toys. I was showing you, and they actually have a quiz. We took the quiz before this. You can take a quiz, and it'll actually help you see what you need. They have a pocket asshole, which rocks.

I tried it out. Great fit. Did you try it? Snug. Snug, just like a real asshole, which rocks. I tried it out. Great fit. Did you try it? Snug. Snug just like a real asshole would be, I imagine. Well, on a massive cock like yours. Yes. But of course.

After using cake, I can't tell you how much I'm enjoying a slicker, softer, smoother sex with deeper, more pleasurable orgasms. And it's reliable and safe. There's better fits, more pleasurable orgasms, and it's reliable and safe. There's better fits, more energy. I'm calm, relaxed, and I lack shame. Just the sheer amount of fun I'm having while having sex. In the ass. Butt sex.

So what are you waiting for? Make sex more fun and easy with cake. Just visit HelloCake.com and enter code. Well, it's not anus. It's code untold. U-N-T-O-L-D. Use promo code untold at checkout for 25% off. Is that a typo, Sass?

Are they giving us a quarter of our order for free? Jesus Christ. Good deal. Well, yeah, shit. Click order, sit back, and while more enjoyable, less shameful, more fun, sex makes its way right to your door. more fun sex makes it way right to your door so that's hello cake.com promo code untold 25 off sex is fun make it more fun in the butt first up serial mascots are the first team on the board everyone knows them already we have

crackle at point guard dig Diggum at shooting guard, the Quaker at small forward, power forward is Frankenberry. Sugar Bear is the center. Sugar Bear was the player of the tournament, I believe. Unstoppable. Or was it Reba? No, Reba was on first team, but Sugar Bear was MOP. Okay.

They will be taking on the first team, and that is Jay-Z's verse from Monster. I know this is your team already. At point guard, 31 years old, 5'8", 165 pounds. We have a ghoul. 31, right? I hate you so much. Not a bad age. Not a bad age. Benny's baby ghoul. 31, eh? I hate you so much. Not a bad age. Manny's baby ghoul.

Shooting guard. 75 years old. 5'11". 187 pounds. Not sure what the basketball smarts are going to be here. We have a zombie with no conscience. I feel like that's a plus. Has to be.

That is a plus. Yeah, for basketball, that's got to be a plus. Has to be. That is a plus. Yeah, for basketball, that has to be a plus. He's like a social worker. Maybe not. Is it the human zombie that gets infected, or is it like winter infected? That's a good question. Is this like a 60-year-old zombie? I don't know.

Keep going. The zombie was like 31, right? Yep, 31. So that's right there. keep going 31 zombie was like 31 right yeah 31 zombie for 31 years or is it a 31 year old person who got infected great question uh at small forward 120 years old six foot six 249 pounds we have Sasquatch okay a little long in the tooth but okay yeah up there in age if you think 120 years is old Tyler how about this power forward standing at 10 feet tall 1,440 pounds 2,020 years old it's King Kong colossal. Him and Jesus were born the same year.

Yeah, no. Next room, it's one of those, like, do you know Steph and LeBron were born in the same hospital? Yeah. Jesus, King Kong. Well, this could cause some locker room... I know we did a rule where, like, if your character is over 10 feet

tall, you shrink them down to 10 feet, but he's still fucking one and a half tons, so, like, you're fucking shrinking him down to that feet, but he's still fucking one and a half tons. You're fucking shrinking him down to that. He's just fucking one. He's a tunicant. He's a chode. We proportionally shrunk the weight with the height. Yeah. The average ape is around 600,

so he's calm. Isn't an average ape, though, already 10 feet? So this guy's a really fat ape. I didn't actually look it up. I just said it. He's about the same size as Sugar Bear. Yeah, he's true.

This could cause some locker room tension. Two rivals together in the locker room and at center. 10 feet tall, 5,669 pounds, 250 million years old, it's Godzilla. Yeah. He and Kong buried the hatchet? Are you kidding me? No, he didn't do it proportionally. He's fucking 140,000 tons.

No, we looked that up. That motherfucker is so heavy because his head is so short, but then everything else is just he's bald too he's like a fucking neutron star on the court you can't back him down

yeah no you're not moving him Brandon Bantz his arms are so short yeah not a great wingspan I will say this looking at these measurements this tale of the tape who was like King Kong should fight Godzilla? Idiots. That's true.

A wash. All right, what are some initial thoughts? Did the Loch Ness just get left out, or is it on the bench? Is it a six? Yeah, whoever had this, they did miss the Loch Ness. No Nessie. No goblins either. No goblins either.

No goblins. I thought the goblins were going to be shooting. The goal and the zombie may be deteriorating a bit. I was going to say, this is an old team. That's my biggest worry. I feel like we can. Yeah, you look like a goalie. I have the same stats as a goal. Oh, my God.

Listen, the other team's point guard is 92 years old. Like, everyone here is old. I can't picture Sasquatch. What about the risk of – Or in general. Yeah. I worry about team chemistry. Yeah.

Strong agree. I mean, Godzilla and Kong hate each other. Yeah. Plenty of rivals have battened down. I mean, KD and Draymond won many rings together. Those guys can't stand each other. Kong and Godzilla is not a rivalry. This is your fucking team.

Sure. There's not a real... You broke the rules. There's not a real human. I asked him if this was okay. He said yes. Jeff, what arena are we playing at? This is the serial mascot

arena of Godzilla. It's a Scotiabank. Rucker Park. Vivid smart home arena. Zombie with no conscience is basically Klay Thompson. You are right. I was going to say he's Tony Parker.

No, that's the goal. What are our thoughts here? Is this team going to say he's Tony Parker, but same principle. No, that's the rule. What are our thoughts here? Is this team going to topple the cereal mascots? No chemistry, man. I don't feel like Godzilla or King Kong could actually grab onto the basketball. Godzilla will just breathe a laser beam of fire at the basketball. If this cereal mascots team gets past this Jay-Z's verse on monster team, there's no chance.

We'll be doing this in four months and serial mascots is going to be undefeated. Gorillas got the, like, they got the quick twitch muscles, which make them so strong, but they don't have the finely tuned motor skills. Right. And so if you got, if you got King Kong being that. He's got Frankenberry covering him. It's got to be.

I mean, but I just, I feel like Frankenberry can just dribble around him. No. They just move so slow. I don't know. He's got a slick handle. You give him huge space on the perimeter and just put your hand up. There's no motor skills on anyone on that team, though. None of them can move quickly at all.

Then how come no one's caught Sasquatch, Ken Jack? Riddle me that. They've caught everyone else in movies. Have you seen Harry and the Hendersons? Sasquatch does kind of turn himself into a family home. He's got like a wife and three kids. Yeah. That doesn't go well for NBA.

I think Raker shuts down the Sasquatch. I like the serial mascots. I don't feel like the monster team. Ten out of ten. He shuts them down 100% of the time. Yeah, I'm going to serial match that's here. Yeah, but so is the ghoul. He's literally

dead. Right. He can't die again. So we're going four on four. I think that benefits the serial. I think the zombie's dead as well. I think Diggum just crosses over the ghoul and the zombies and the winds rip off, right? Diggum was the weak link last week. Now all of a sudden he's crossing people up.

So are we moving on to serial mascots again? No, no, no, no. Because, all right, Crackles is automatically dead. Crackles is dead. But the ghoul and the zombie are dead. But they have the – I mean, zombie was nothing. I mean, just he's an irrelevant player on the court. Who? the... Zombie was nothing. I mean, just he's an irrelevant player on the court.

It's Clay Thompson. He's high as hell and he's just gunning. What is he gunning? He's getting gunned. He's going to be good at shooting because he doesn't think about it too much. He has no conscience. He's not thinking about his shot. He's just taking it. Right. But he can't walk.

Is this like a running zombie like 28 days later? Every zombie you've ever seen can run. This is the one zombie who can fucking run? No zombie. First of all, zombies don't run. That's a very new stereotype to zombies. Zombies are very new. They jog. They move fast.

They jog for sure. They might even... Zombies jog. I don't even need them to get back on defense. We've got Kong and Zilla back there guarding the rim. Theyies jaunt. I don't even need them to get back on defense. We've got Kong and Zilla back there guarding the rim. They can't move. They don't have an offense. That's three in the key for Zilla every time. No, he's got

both feet straddling the paint. He doesn't even need the paint. Does the Matthew Broderick character come with Godzilla or is it not the 1990s? No Broderick. No Pizza Hut. I'm out. Every step Godzilla takes, he punches a hole

through the court. He's fucking 140,000 tons. Get him out. He's basically out. Yeah, I like the serial math, guys. I don't feel like the monsters can play. Let's do a vote. They couldn't handle rookie shit.

Everyone in favor of the Monsters. Ray, just raise your hand. Well, Trill, okay, so that's one. KB and I, that's it? No one else? Just the Monsters? Do I get to vote? It's your team, kid.

Yeah, but you're not supposed to reveal it's your team, so. Well, KB yelled at me. Okay, so, yeah, vote for your team. I'm on your side. Yeah, obviously. And then the rest of the other four of you are all for cereal? No, Jeff CeeLo is raising his hand. No, I'm for the cereal mascots.

I don't think the monsters can play. I like the Sugar Bear diggum chemistry. Yeah, I like that. Sugar Bear is getting nothing in this game. Nothing. All right, so cereal mascots. Sugar Bear is just sitting down in the conversation pit that was a tough draw it sucks yeah bad feeding yeah it sucks for that team i don't know who's gonna

beat the cereal mascots at this rate i really don't fucking does i really don't all right next round don't reveal who your teams are next round here. Here we go. Our next game. First up, we have Leos. Leos. Okay. Point guard. 45 years old, 6 feet tall, 164 pounds. We have Oscar winner Leonardo DiCaprio. Sure.

He was in the Basketball Diaries. He's come safe. He wrote the book. He lost all motor skills. He was on Seiko Barberites and just could not even... Alright, so this is KB's team. He's in a mental institution. This guy's unstable.

Swear ass. 50 rebounds. Shooting guards. Let's cut this shit. Yeah, no way. He can't have it all. He can't be six feet too. Let's cut this shit. Yeah. He can't have it all. He can't be six feet two. Get out of here. Cut the shit.

A impaired child with a morbidly obese woman. Gilbert's grave. Much shorter shooting guard. What's eating Gilbert's grave? 51 years old, 4'9", 150 pounds. From the Ninja Turtles, we have Leonardo. He's 4'9"? What?

Who picked him? He might just. Oh, granted, granted. He is not the speed of a regular turtle. He outran the lasers. He can leap over a building. So he could probably dunk a basketball. I have a hard time buying that he's a teenager at 51 years of age. Yeah, he's a four and nine?

He's a mutant ninja turtle. Sir, we're going to have to ask you to leave. He's a middle-aged mutant ninja turtle. Yeah, you can't be here at the laser tag place. He's seemingly a... That's Small Forward, 105 years old. Ooh, an old cat. We got some old foals.

Six foot two, 400 pounds. We have MGM's Leo the Lion. Where is he? He's only 400 pounds? There is Leo the Lion. Leo the Lion. 400 is he? He's only 400 pounds? Leo the Lion. 400 feels a little light. Is Leo okay?

Is he like 6'2 on all fours? Or is he standing on his hind? His length. I'm trying to see the pros and cons of having a lion. That could probably help a team. That would help a team a lot. It certainly would, yeah. Can't dribble, though.

Cannot dribble. Yeah, he can't shoot. He plays like Air Bud. He plays would, yeah. Can't dribble, though. Cannot dribble. Yeah, he can't shoot. He plays like Air Bud. I think that's a stupid pick, but I think it would help whatever team this is. I'll give you the help defensively. I was going to wait to see this pick.

Leonardo, the Ninja Turtle, completely useless without his three brothers. So that was a stupid pick. Three brothers. He can still leap over a building outrun a laser. We found out Shredder was the only one. I'm a big fan of the Ninja Turtles. I don't even care.

This team looks fucking stupid. Strong agree. Shredder's a Leo. Yeah. Alright, next up we have at Power Forward Strong agree. Toretto's a Leo. All right. Next up, we have at Power Forward, you may recognize this person. It's former President Barack Obama. Oh, he's a Leo.

That's true. How is he a Leo? We're running on Leonardo. Astrologically. And he plays a lot of basketball. Whoever said astrologically is pretty smart. Barack can bowl. No, he can't he plays a lot of basketball. Whoever said astrologically is pretty smart. Barack can bowl. No, he can't. Barack Obama stinks at basketball.

Stinks at basketball. He's the power pick. There's a lion that's not a powerful? Living president. Let me be clear. Fictional math. I'm taking the shot. Listen, Ken Jack, if they're playing a team full of other presidents,

yeah, that'd be helpful. But I guarantee you. That's what I'm saying. Let's see if they'll be team presidents. We don't know. team full of other presidents yeah that'd be helpful but i guarantee you i'm saying and finally at center uh 81 years 81 years old five i'm sorry 81 years old five foot nine 134 pounds well well known assassin Well-known assassin, Leo. Oh, wow. That guy has a shot like you've never seen. He is a sharp dude. He is a sharp dude.

Assassin on the court. Dirk Nowitzki before Dirk Nowitzki. Oh, shit. I kind of feel uncomfortable. Listen, all right. Now we're for the president. A sniper. Just a long-range sniper now godzilla and king kong didn't have chemistry i don't know if a presidential assassin and the president

well think of who you assassinated again stupid but you've got to look at the pros, right? Absolutely. All right, let's see what they're playing. I freaking hate this team, but it looks like they would work. They're playing team car insurance. Team car insurance.

Okay. 50 years old, 5'8", 132 pounds. We have Flo from Progressive. All right. Flo. She's taller than I thought. Taller than I thought. Is she 5'8", 132 pounds. We have Flo from Progressive. All right. Flo. She's taller than I thought. Taller than I thought. Is she 5'8"?

Yeah. Yeah, she's 5'8". Shooting guard, 55 years old, 6'2", 174 pounds. We have Mayhem. Mayhem. Solid pick. Is he really 55? He's pretty old.

An old man. Jesus. There may have been a bit of an – the owner of this team may be shocked to learn the measurables and age of this next player because we had a little research. There was a little lying on the resume. Small forward.

One year old. One year old. 5'1", 132 pounds. It's Liberty's Lemu the E-Mode. Wow. Only 132 pounds. It's Liberty's Lemu the Emo. Wow. Fuck you, Lemus. Only 132? Damn. How do we know that Lemu Emo is one?

Well, this Lemu Emo has only been a Liberty's mascot for one year, and that's the rules we play by with mascots. Also, the height... Flo is like nine. Flo is nine years old. Mayhem is like six years old. Gotcha. I will say, it was hard to find the heights of some characters because you need to find pictures. And for a lot of them, you don't really have that because they're their mascots.

However, Lemu the Emu was was pretty easy to figure out. I got to try to pull up the picture because there is enough visual material, which I can't even get a picture. We'll show it after. We'll show it after, though. Here we go. At Power Forward, we have a pretty strong character. No pun intended. We have J.K. Simmons, 5'11",

185 pounds, jacked. I'll just say that 185 feels low. I saw those arms. He's a male athlete. He's massive. Yeah, he is jacked. And then finally, the last member of this team at center. This is the player that puts a team together.

You would think it would be Dennis Haysbert. No, at center, 65 years old, 9 feet tall, 1 inch, 1,000 pounds. It's Dennis Haysbert's voice. Just Dennis Haysbert. tall one inch one thousand pounds it's dennis hazebert's voice i love that his voice is two thousand pounds his voice is one ton it's a metric ton minimum i like the car insurance team i don't like talking about the team up top i gotta say comfortable car insurance i'd be worried about Leo and that's really it but he's really someone to be worried about oh Leo

yeah Leo here's the reference picture I was told that Lemu the emu was going to be over 6 feet tall that seems to be a bit of a lie Lemu is very short how tall is this guy how tall is that guy how tall is the guy yeah i mean maybe he's seven feet tall but we we do 13 feet tall

his pants are kind of short maybe he's very tall okay so who do we like here out of these two teams i think mayhem is a liability there would be a lot of ruckus, a lot of turmoil. He's Patrick Beverly. Yeah, I would say it could be good ruckus, could be bad ruckus. But here's the thing, though. I think the whole top team, they have no competition whatsoever. All of the bottom team, all of the car insurance guys,

they naturally compete against each other. So that's going to be terrible locker room chemistry. No, but they're all competing for the right, the same thing. There's a Trump card. Dennis Hainsworth's voice is a large trump card here. It literally is not tangible. You pass that thing, the ball goes right out of bounds.

Who's going to make that call against the voice, though? It's true. You want to get reamed out by that? If we can torture the refs, then God fucking Zillas gets something to say about that. Rasheed Godzilla Wallace. Let's get some votes.

Trill, who do you like here? I like the car insurance team because of J.K. Simmons. That's it. I don't like the team up top. Very uncomfortable team. Car insurance team. Tyler? I'm going car insurance.

Leo does scare me, but I'm going car insurance. Ken Jack? I'm going team Leo. Okay. KB and Nick? I'm going Leo. This is tough for me. I will go Leo, I guess.

Coley. Jeff, I'm going to make you the deciding vote. I'm going to go car insurance. Yeah, this is tough. I think Obama is a terrible basketball player. He's not good. He's better. You think Flo is better?

Yes. I think if J.K. Simmons and Barack Obama played one-on-one. You're either going to just ruin your entire brand or just say the right thing. Yeah, go ahead. But the choice is yours. How tall is the progressive box? Because I feel like the progressive box. You're still talking about Flo?

No. I'm done. Junk you down real quick, bitch. For the sake of Trill commenting on the next matchup, I'm going to put the team car insurance through the next round. That was cruel. That was wrong. You just nasty bitch.

But I will say, Lee, oh, certainly going to make first team. Jack Ruby's second team. Yes, exactly. I got Sass here with me. Sass, you get a hard time for wearing the same thing every day. Yeah, I always have trouble finding new clothes, clothes that fit and that are comfortable, if only there was something that could help me out.

Brother, I got what you need. The summer travel season is back on, and Bare Bottom Clothing is here to help you spend less on what you're wearing so you can save more for what you're doing. Right now, our listeners get free shipping on their first order of these super comfortable threads at barebottomclothing.com. That's B-E-A-R. You know this. We've been saying this. So barebottomclothing.com, using promo-e-a-r you know this we've been saying this so barebottomclothing.com using promo code anus a-n-u-s you can get free shipping on your first order

sass you you still listening what was that promo code? Didn't know you wanted me to hop back in there. Yeah, I need you back in. Barebottomclothing.com, promo code ANUS, free shipping. The clothes are actually very nice. Nick and Kyle wear them all the time. They don't send me anything.

But we'll get you some stuff. Thank you. Thank you. Match four. we'll get you some stuff thank you thank you match four we go to st clairsville ohio to melt these heat stroke arena all over again lebron's gonna be cramping like you read about. We have the first team. The Suitmen. The Suitmen. Oh, whoa, graphic problem. Uh-oh.

Is this next team extremely long-named? No, I don't know. They're also very elite. Point guard. 569 years old, 4'6", 95 years old, recognizable voice. It's Lord Farquad. Lord Farquad.

Yep. We all know this next shooting guard. 6'3", 178 pounds. Name not available. Nobody has any idea how old this person is. It's Barstool's Keith Markovich. Came from... Known suit wearer, yes.

That small forward, 61 years old. 61 years old is my favorite fact about this person five foot eight hundred fifty eight pounds it's glenn quagmire glenn quagmire uh power forward 67 years old six foot 195 pounds uh daniel craig himself james bond and then finally 51 years old five five foot 11 by the way on this one this is shocking 185 pounds it's anton shigur that's a good team it's a strong team he voted basketball player right yeah This is a small ball line. Switchability. Okay, we'll see what they're taking on. Melty Zarina.

Melty Seatstroke. They're taking on... Men my wife have hired as independent contractors to work on our house while I am at work. Point guard. 35 years old, 6 feet tall, 185 pounds. We have Jace. All right. Point guard. I'm listening. 35 years old, 6 feet tall, 185 pounds. We have Jace.

He's a good dude. Does a good job. No, he just came to prune the flowers. And shooting guard, 28 years old, 6 foot 4. Big shooting guard, 215 pounds. We have Truman. Truman. He's nice, too. He works in the garage. He's warm, it appears. He's friendly. He's a nice guy. This kid is a phenom. Phenom. Coming out of high school. Skipped college.

19 years old, six foot seven, 217, shredded. We have crew. 217? Okay. I don't know what he does. But he's over a lot. He's a very nice kid. Next up, we have Barry's boot camp. 26 years old, 6' 275 we have tanner

yeah he runs the workout room he's nice and then finally his his size isn't right for his center but his ego is 42 years old five foot nine 260 uh pounds we have Doggy Style Gary. Okay. I hate this guy. No, no, no. I hate this guy because I think this guy is fucking my wife. No. Not a nice guy.

Unnice guy. Oh my God. What makes you think that though? I don't think Jake Tanner would be Just a doggy style Gary Just wears that vest with no shirt all the time He works on the electric Is his last name Gary?

I don't know First name doggystyle? Everybody call me Doggystyle? I found him on the app. Listen, I think this bottom team, I'll say it, I think they're going to be too busy from their household chores to play an easily basketball game every day. They are very busy.

No pun intended bottoms for sure, though. Many of them. I think Anton Chigurh might leave after the coin flip though depends how it ends depends if it's heads or tails the well known basketball coin flip

heads we're shooting with our feet tails we're shooting it regular heads as a soccer tails all in the air LeBron James kids were shooting with our feet regular yeah had the soccer tail lebron james yes sir president bush um donald sterling getting on famously i'm sure who else is on this team i mean do we need to see any other guys do we need to see any other guys? Do we need to see any – Can we see the crew one more time?

Yeah. Yeah, I'll say it. This lad is too muscle-bound for your average jump shot. I think he's got no finesse. In the 80s maybe, but now? No, no, no. Game's too small. You think he's finishing around the hole with us?

Yeah. Gary. Now, granted. This bottom team is a 2003 Conan O'Brien sketch. That's what this team is. Now, they're playing at the Heathrow Arena, though, and the majority of these men are shirtless, which will help. Good point. Truman's already sweating before you even get into Melties.

He's got no chance. Truman's going to die. Truman's just leaving Melties. Gary's going to be wearing plaid cargoes. Listen, I think you guys are sleeping on editor-in-chief Keith Markovich. That man can hoop. Can he handle this? His age hurts.

We don't know if he's in his prime or not. We're not sure. Did James Bond get the gun? Oh, yeah. He's like Isaiah Thomas. Okay. What did we land on with Keith? He's anywhere between 28 and 34.

Yeah. Yeah. It seems about right. This is tough. This is tough. Let's start with the drill. It's secondhand sweat from just seeing the little melt. Yeah. Oh, no. I thought start with the crew. Secondhand sweat from just seeing the little melt.

I thought it was from crew. Wallens, what's your vote? I like the man my wife hired as independent contractors to work on their house while I'm at way of work. You don't actually like them. I like four of them. I like Jace, Truman, Crew, and Tanner.

Somehow, doggy style Gary just rubs me the wrong way. I can't imagine how. I'm very suspicious of him. Because he just, look at that. Does he rub your wife the right way? Look at the way he's looking at us. Anybody with the name Jace exclusively fucks married women.

That's a fact, yeah. You are my garden clippers. It's weird that all their Facebook photos are stock photos. It's weird. Tyler, who are you voting for? I got to go 10 men my wife hired as independent contractors to work on our house

while I'm away at work. Got to. Coley is already furious. Ken Jack. Team Tony had bad people on it. Everyone was like, let's vote for them. I've got two murderers on my team. Everyone's like, let's go with the contractors. I think I'll vote for the contractors.

I just want to see crew one more time. Can we give us a twirl? Yeah. That shit. God damn. time. Can we give him an alarm from the crew? Can we give us a twirl? That shit. Coley, I assume you're voting for Quagmire fucks more than all these people combined. More than Bond? I don't know, man.

What is Crew's job? He doesn't seem to be He doesn't have a profession, it seems. What's he doing around that? Let's have another look at him and see if we can determine. What kind of profession? Let's have another look at him and see if we can determine. It's what we call a guy. Look at those shoulders. Can you remove the name graphic? Yeah.

That name graphic is not on here. Any sort of clue? Gun holster, perhaps? He's got a deep V, man. I can't vote against him. Nick and KB. I got to go with the independent contractors. To work.

Say it the whole name. I have to go with the men my wife hired as independent contractors to work on our house while I'm away at work. It's kind of redundant. I just realized that. Alright. They do advance. They advance to the next round. We do have our final four.

Keep them fleshy. Matchup four is a doozy. We played in Irvine, California inside a Taco Bell water coin game. What a challenge. How many germs do you think on that thing?

I used to do that so many times. I like that the caption didn't change. This one's in Palo Alto as well. Is that what it says? That's a shame. Are there things spinning around while you're playing basketball like are

you hopping from platform to platform you'd assume so yeah you have to this team actually sent in a musical performance oh god let's play it right mom j u double g a to the. Let your nuts hang straight to the flow. Yes, I like fat on my chick ass. Poundage. That make my dick splash. Okay, it's the Juggalo All-Star. The Juggalo All-Stars.

Come on, spin. At point guard, 33 years old, 5'10", 175 pounds. One of the greatest Juggalo there is. It's Socrates' bean hatchet spray. I really thought I was going to start with Violent J, but this is so much better.

That shooting guard, 29 years old. This team is very young, by the way. 29 years old, 6'3", 170 pounds. It's prone bone

cream pie. Which one is prone bone for the record? Prone bone is in the lecture. I got you. It's the one on the left. These people are going to burn down our house. Small forward. 31 years old, 6'2", 175, from New Orleans.

It's Emeril Lepoussi. I hope I said that right. Fuck. Oh, my God. Bam. Power forward. 30 years old, 6'4", 210 pounds. It's sport fagodizzer.

Fagodizzer's here? Are you kidding me? This is Crow Ball and Steve. I've never been more sure of anything in my entire life. Pro Bowling's team. I've never been more sure of anything. Lastly, this is a very familiar age, height, and weight to me. 29 years old, 5'10", 185 pounds.

It's Jeff the Juggalo Juggalo. That's what the D stands for. I've been wondering so long. It was right in front of us all along. That's what the D stands for. The home team really got to bring it. Yeah, the home team's really got to bring it. Jeff put himself at 9 feet, 1,100 feet. He's like, what?

I didn't even see that. How do I delete this? Age 73? That must be left over from something. I don't know why. That's Sugar Bear's numbers. Oh, boy. That's Sugar Bear's

exact numbers. They are taking. That's Sugar Bear's exact numbers. They are taking on a pretty formidable team. This team does, I think, have the tallest team in the history of the competition and the heaviest. Dangerous landforms. Dangerous landforms. At point guard, you or everyone knows this mascot 23 years old six foot one 250 pounds it's the mascot for the salem kaiser volcanoes it's crater the volcano

what can we get a bigger picture we got we'll pull them up don't worry um shooting guard 70 years old six foot 870 pounds it's's Mountain Dew mascot Willie the Hillbilly. Problematic. Small forward. 40,000 years old. 8,360 feet tall and 11 inches and 100 billion tons.

It's the 1980 Mount St. Helens eruption. Oh, boy. Okay. That thing got going and nobody could stop it dangerous landforms power forward very small 226 years old 5 foot 10 185 pounds very fast though it's tyreek hill and finally center 82 years old six feet tall5 pounds, it's Cliff Buxtable. This is the championship matchup. Credit to us for taking this long for that punchline.

It's been a time bomb. It been counting down so i had to be picked team 420 team 420 45 years old hey hey five five nine and a half 162 pounds it's Papa Roach featuring James Blunt that was a good song that they put out that EP was incredible 6 songs 17 minutes 44.8

your beautiful scars the next one is 56 years old, 6 feet tall, 375 pounds. I got to double check on what this person won, but I believe they're a world champion. Hypothetically speaking, if someone were to know what their world champion and kid day, tell me right now. I think it would be a skeet shot. Yeah, a skeet shooting world champion, George D.

Big shot, brother. Pull up his belly. George Digweed. You have to tell him. You've got to get the fat pic of George Digweed. No big shot. No big weed. Can we at least see the dead shark then if you don't have Digweed?

No job. The rules this week were you had to tell me when you needed a full screen. So, we're not. Okay, George Digweed, skeet shooting champion. The rules this week were you had to tell me when you needed a full screen. So, yeah. Okay. George Digweed, skeet shooting champion. Third, it's everyone knows. It's actually DeWeed. 95 years old, 5'9", 160 pounds.

Everyone's favorite leader, Paul Pott. Oh, God. And it looks like a P-O-L. What's that acronym a pol what's that acronym what's the acronym pieces of leafy burn puffing on loud you do that long fucking day. Murdered millions. With that gas. I didn't mean it. Everyone needs a ringer. Everyone needs a rocket.

The whole part wasn't the ringer? No, everyone needs a rocket. He worked for the ringer. I'm terrified of someone who was born on 420 coming up next. You need a ringer. You need a rocket to take you to the moon, take you to the spot you want to be.

29 years old, 5'7", 130 pounds. It's... It's Jared Kanabis. That's what I was... Look at that shirt. Weed socks. Looks wild because good boys do stick together, man. Good boys really do.

Actually, that weed socks shirt needs to be on the store ASAP. Before they start selling it outside the games. Jared Kanabas. Whoever made this team definitely email Jeff, please pronounce it Kanabas. There was a pronunciation guide with Jared Kanabas Photoshopped for this one. All right, let's take a look at this team's weapon here.

Alright, the other thing's been removed. The wheel. Weed sucks. It is SB... Oh, this is a good one. The weapon for this team is the SpongeBob SquarePants Toyota Sienna.

Oh, no. I didn't see that. Death trap. Is there a bubble thing in the top? Yeah, what's in the top? I think that's like his headpiece. What? Where?

Oh, there we go. The whole background just shut off. Oh, okay. I think that's exclusive to you. Yeah. This next one's going to be played at a very famous venue in Boston, Massachusetts. Cole, you know this venue very well.

This one is played on the Superfinger stage from Dane Cook's Rough Around the Edges tour. That's me. Why does everyone know what that is? Dang, Cook. I got hit by a car the other day. He went flying like Eddie Gordo from Tekken.

I'm enjoying this. That's a Cook already. With the itchiest asshole on record. First team up is Team Zero Effort. Fuck you guys. Why even try anymore? They're taking on a very long matchup. I know who I'm voting for.

25 years old,.85 inches,.03 ounces. The smallest competitor in the history of the competition. It is a single Doritos 3D. I'm listening. 44 years old, 6 feet tall, 185 pounds. Folks, it's Freddie Prince Jr. Oh, yeah. Freddie Prince Jr.

Oh, yeah. All right. Okay, Frederick. Number three, 164 years old. Didn't get an age or weight, but got this. It's a code. TCX 14-1118. It is the color beige. Okay.

I'm ready to listen now. Good Lord. And then finally. That's not TCK. No, come on. No age or height or weight here. We just know that this thing is 5,420 years old. It's the number four. God damn. All right. Let's see what the weapon is. Let's see what the weapon is let's see what the weapon is

oh no this i don't think this is a very good weapon this is i don't think it's a very good weapon this is a this is out of the box uh a thing of mike and molly dvd out of the box thing of Mike and Molly DVDs. No, hey! Come on, man! How many seasons does the show have? That's bullcrap.

How many of those do you get? You get a shitload of those things. One episode per DVD. They're taking on They're taking on Oh god Come on say it

People who laughed at me for peeing with my pants around my ankles At the mall urinal So it's his trolls team I'm pretty sure I wonder Who could it be urinal. So is his trolls team, I'm pretty sure. I wonder. Who could it be? I fucking wonder.

First up, 18 years old, 5'10", 178 pounds. Everyone knows this guy from the mall.

It's Spiky Chatley from Journeys. The chat man. Spiky Chatley. What the fuck? Is he Spiky okay uh 38 years old six feet tall 225 pounds it's this auntie ann's or auntie ann's franchisee very excited to own that pretzel company next up it is uh 51 years old five foot nine 195 pounds it's the guy in the build-a-bear suit who doesn't even work at build-a-bear why is she taking a picture of him

and lastly thanks he lastly, everyone's favorite. Everyone goes to the mall for this person. 19 years old, 6'1", 173 pounds. It's Devil Sticks Danny. Who does Devil Sticks outside of the school? Oh my god.

You're a bad guy, man.