A New Untold Story - A New Untold Story: Ep. 243 - The Catholic Avengers

Episode Date: June 18, 2021

|| A New Untold Story: Ep. 243 - The Catholic Avengers || The boys discuss The Wild Thornberries, if the Catholic Church formed an Avengers, and if Barstool was located in Syria || Producer: Owen & John StevensYou can find every episode of this show on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or YouTube. Prime Members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. For more, visit barstool.link/anuspodcast

Hey, A New Untold Story listeners, you can find every episode on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or YouTube. Prime members can listen to ad-free on Amazon Music. Today's episode of Anus is brought to you by... Any guesses? Not even a fucking question at this point. Dude Wipes. Dudes, we need to have a serious chat about your bathroom habits. It's time to quit shitty, scratchy toilet paper and switch to Dude Wipes.

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Not my package of them, the ones that I use. You reuse, yeah? Because you can reuse them. You're not there but they're flushable you don't have to reuse them i guess eventually yeah yeah if you keep to a corner you smear a corner she smears a corner meet in the middle yeah yes i'm ready to get home and you know test them out have fun with them. Experiment? Yeah.

Yeah. Let's play the theme song. Is that your reply to what I'm going to say? No, you're just going to say, no, that's a new untold story. Hey, is that story old or told? No, baby! It's a new untold story. A new untold story a new untold story

it's a fresh baked untold story a new untold story a new untold story zoo girls were the ugliest archetype That wasn't overweight Of girl? The archetype of girl, yeah The zoo, you know the zoo girl

Like the animal lovers who volunteered at the zoo Yes I loved zoo I always got zoo pussy I made out with a girl Zoo pussy? I made out with a girl In the front area of the good zoo With her, with her mouth So you got zoo pussy. I made out with a girl.

In the front area of the good zoo. With her. With her mouth. So you got zoo pussy. I don't brag about that. I was just saying how disgusting they are. But you're wrong. You're the worst type. They were real gummy. You could see the whole...

You see more gum than... Fiance gums. Yes. Every engaged woman has gums. Biggest Embrace. Yeah, she did have fiance. Fiance. Every engaged woman has gums. Biggest gums you've ever seen in your life. Like Lancaster, Ohio, fiance gums. Yeah, it's a weird area.

Proportion, yeah. It's like five miles above or below the Mason-Dixon line is... The G2T is fucked up. The gum to tooth. I would say, yeah, a little bit... I saw a great one. I would say a yeah, a little bit. I saw a great one. I would say a little bit north of the Mason Dicks, and you get more gum.

Yeah, yeah, you definitely do get a little bit. So, Horse Girls, you said Horse Girls were? Well, when you described Zoo Girls to me, Zoo Girls is completely different than Horse Girls. Every town had a zoo where everybody volunteered. No, no, no. Horse Girls had, like, nice. Horse girls had nice hips. They had nice hips.

They would look good in those equestrian heads. And they came from money. I was just about to say the same thing. Zoo girls were volunteering because it was like you were too old for daycare. Zoo girls were inspired by Eliza Thornberry. They thought they were her.

But no. Eliza Thornberry was as hideous she was hideously ugly remember her her oh fucking overbite she had big big braces she had gums she had big gums a gummy girl um what did else stupid glasses like the redhead she had like braids oh yeah she was a ginger she was disgusting her head horribly happily yeah and the worst part about is nickelodeon is that what it was it was nickelodeon made her older sister like just extremely hot really hot like that is like hot fucking blonde to this day that is like my type of girl just like a crop top thornberry with the slam flannel titties a bang over one eye i love like animated titties i love

animated static um yeah what was she hiding with that bang her other eye but you never saw it she You love animated titties. I love animated titties. Static. Yeah, what was she hiding with that bang? Her other eye. But you never saw it. She had like an ocular tumor. She would jump off cliffs, run. You would never see the other eye. I had a crush on her too. Everybody did.

Ken Jack? Everyone fucking did. I've jerked off to her. Have you? Last week. Oh, yeah. Yeah. She was a poet.

Yeah, it was like she was artsy. She had it all. She hated her parents. That's always a good sign. Yeah. What were they going for with that? The show itself? Let's make the one, the sister, sister combo just vastly different.

Yeah. It was just like, I think it was just like, so girls could relate. Like, oh, like I'm the ugly sister, but she's still special. They tried to normalize it. We're ignoring that. she can speak to animals. That was the premise of the show. That was what I'm saying. It wasn't about an ugly girl.

Well, it was. They tried to normalize it. Like, oh, it's fine to be the ugly sister. People have tried and tried and tried to normalize ugly girls. It made it worse because we would always, every ugly sister, we would do Eliza Thornberry head ass. Yes. Eliza looking ass.

You're Eliza looking ass. Why don't you go talk to the fucking dog? Why don't you go talk to this? And it was girls that didn't have friends. It was just like girls that thought, like girls that talked to animals didn't have friends. Yeah. They kissed you at the zoo.

I'm 100% serious. The girl I kissed at the zoo. I believe you. She was in a wheelchair my first kiss was a wheelchair-bound girl i actually know who it was yeah i know people think we've joked about yeah we've joked about i know that's why the quadra we didn't like 10 times 10 different bits about having a collegiate girlfriend but you are telling the truth that's how the joke was my first kiss well it was. Because my first kiss, well, she was,

she went to Our Lady of Peace and was in crutches. She had like the arm crutches. Yeah, I'm not even talking about this because it's real. I know, I don't, okay, yeah. But how did she get the power to speak to animals in the show? I believe she ran into some sort of tribesman, and the tribesman. That was Donnie.

That was Donnie's brother. He was just a feral... Was he a boy? I think that... Humanoid? So they found him. He was a boy. I'm just gonna Google it. They found him. And alone. But I bet you his family was like nearby. They just kidnapped a boy. They whitewashed him. You're like, your name's Donnie Thornberry now. And they never

tried to teach him or do anything they're just like yeah you're just feral you're you're just with us now we're not going to we're not going to help you by any means he was raised by orangutan is that what it says his parents were killed by poachers his name is donald michael thornberry his parents were the thing is like by human hunting orangutans don't even act like that like so where did he pick that up from yeah retains don't do shit they just sit there yeah they chill the donald it was loosely based on a true story right the wild thornberries what that can't be right i think it was Well, they stole the story from the Catholic Church.

What? She snuck out. You sneak out of the van. She bumps into an adult alone. And he's like, hey, you're really special. Eliza Thornberry snuck out into the wild wherever they were. They were on an RV. And a tribal guy captured her.

I don't know. But he gave her the power to talk to animals. But if she told anybody, she would lose it. So it's a page right out of Catholicism. Oh, yeah. She was like, but it's a secret. It's a big secret. I have a special power that this guy who captured me gave me.

He reinforced it time and time again. Like, you're really special to me. But if you tell anybody, you're not special anymore. You'll lose your powers. I've heard that. Wasn't she in an African safari? Yes. Northern Uganda?

Yeah. She jumped into a tribesman. Joseph Kony got her. You're very special. But don't tell anybody. Shut up. That's the biggest secret. And she could talk to animals,

which is like a curse. She probably heard like, she heard Debbie's crabs. Trauma. She got trauma induced. All right. Debbie. That's not her voice. She's trying to convince Debbie

to shave her pussy. Why is your pussy so loud? I was fucking Debbie Thornberry. you gave debbie crabs yeah she's like secretly trying to get debbie to like shave her pubes like hey like hey sis she's trying to be nice about it hey like uh dance around it like how do you how do you tell your sister to shave their pubes your older sister there is a way there is a way to do it how would you be let's play a game for nothing let's play let's play least pussy hair you go first because she has huge bags and her eyes from like the crap screaming that's the good all right you first we'll play least less put least pussy but like it brought back ptsd as an altar boy like of a priest being like hey like i bump into

him and it's like after mass he's like hey like you're that was the tactic that they what was the power did they gave you the power to talk to animals? Yeah. Little kids running around Boston trying to talk to pit bulls. A bunch of kids in Boston yelling to the fucking seagulls trying to talk to them. But no, it was like, Oh, Nick, why do you get to sit on a fucking inner tube in class? Why do you have all...

Oh, you're so lucky. That was the power. How come they let you do that? You look so comfy. It's my secret. I can't tell you. They just gave you like a lifetime supply of communion wafers. Yeah, my mouth was just so dry.

That was your power. Yeah, it was like. It was your secret power. What? We only get one a week. You're so lucky. Flavorless wafers. Give me one.

Nope, I can't. You're not special. You're not. No, you can't do it an altar boy altar boy it sounds like an awful superhero the world's worst altar boy altar boy what is he uh does he turn boys trans he makes he alters them no no he's like uh he's like um mr fantastic but only his asshole stretches wait so he's just like a stargate altar a-l-t-a-r alter like yeah oh what's like he's so what is the superhero in that he just gets fucked yeah he distracts the criminals by like they they stop doing crime because they fuck him. The bank will be getting robbed and the criminal will have the bag with the dollar sign over his shoulder.

And then he'll just drop it and start fucking Alter Boy. Oh, it's Alter Boy. It's Alter Boy. He's about to mug this lady, brother. Look at this big gaping boy pussy. I just gotta fuck. It's a whole Catholic Avengers. Okay.

I'm trying to think. I don't know Avengers. Just a bunch of Catholic superheroes. Priesthood. He's real stealthy. Wearing a cloak. He's wearing a cloak. He's priesthood. What's his power? They're Catholic. Wearing a cloak. He's wearing a cloak. He's priesthood.

What's his power? They're Catholic. He stops gay weddings. They'll break into... Where do gays get married? Aquariums? They'll break into an aquarium. Gays are always getting married

at the Ripley's Believe It or Not Aquarium in Myrtle Beach. You can't even see the fucking sting rays without guys he'll break into the wedding right before they kiss and they call it's priesthood they're like they're bad guys they're like oh he caught us but then somebody will be like priesthood aren't aren't you gay and it was like yes no just fly away fucking priesthood altar boy like gets like just he gets like seriously hurt and he has to have like a big like scorpion from spider-man he has like a big metal tail and he turns into a villain

tattletale as soon as he so he's silent and for like for 20 years yes and then he comes he becomes tattletale and he just like grabs reporters and he feeds them lies. Yeah. The priests, the priests, the kryptonite is intense beams of light from spotlight. The Boston Globe. Yeah, Archbishop is like Hawkeye. He just gives boys scoliosis. Yeah, he gives boys scoliosis. Oh, you mean like Bowman. Yeah, he gives boys scoliosis? Yeah, he gives boys scoliosis. Oh, you mean like a bowman?

Yeah, he gives boys scoliosis. And then nun is invisible. N-O-N-E. I'm nun. I'm trying to think of what she does. She's unfuckable. You were beforehand. I wasn't going to try beforehand.

You can't fuck what you can't see. It's just like they're trying to stop sins. So it's like a kid's getting ready to masturbate in his room. And then a crash of lightning. You just see priesthood in the corner of his walls. He's like, oh my god, priesthood,

were you here to stop me from masturbating? And he'll just like, yeah, yeah, oh my god, priesthood, were you here to stop me from masturbating? And he'll just like... Technically, yeah. Lex Luthorin. What is Lex Luthorin? You and I have... You and I aren't so different.

You and I. We hate you gay nose okay okay no what are his what are the stones the infinity stones are uh like yeah destruction of the sanctity of marriage yeah he's got the sodomy stone the gomorrah stone on the other you can't stop i'm sodom. Sodom and Gamora. Gamora is just in there. Yeah. Literally works as a character. It fits.

Doc Cocktopus. Doc, Doc Cock. Wait, wait. Is that a superhero? No, he's a villain. Doctor Octopus from Spider-Man. But he's Doctor. His octopus arms on his back just cut off penises.

He transitions men. Oh, he's a villain. Dr. Cock. It's Doc Cock. He cuts open a slit. A little slit for you. The greed goblin is, well, you know. Oh, yeah.

I wish I knew any superhero. I'm trying to think of just like i'm trying to rack my brain i've never seen uh danny almonte yeah that's classic one no he was the he's a villain he was the little league okay yeah the danny almonte of altar boys and then like he reveals to the priest that he's not even a kid. The priest is like, rude, disgusting. How did this happen? How did I let this happen? I'm trying to think of a knight, almost like Gambit from X-Men, but he's like a knight circumcision. What is that?

It's when you cut the tip off the penis. But he's a real cool guy. He always has one foot up in a door frame, and instead of a poker chip between his fingers, he has dried foreskin just going between his fingers. Mummified foreskin. Yeah, he's really cool. Your dick's looking a little long, kiddo.

Time for a haircut. You need any to trim? Hey, kid, long dick. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. There should just be there should just be like right a right wing Avengers if we're going on this route

because then like the the villains would be funny like are we I'm trying to think we're moving on from child rape or no well I'm trying to think of like what

you know how like there's like insanely right wing like twitter accounts that like make scenarios that aren't real or like comics everyone does yeah yeah that's like the basis of twitter yeah it's like fakes so i'm trying to think of like a political cartoon called like the woker but it's the joker and he's just like that's a nice statue you have there he's like trying to get he's bombing statues yeah nice college campus you have here who wasn't from batman two-face that like flipped the coin two-face yeah what do we call him no but he has like the the die from scategories that has like

26 sides but like each side is a gender i'm gonna assign you one there's nothing you can sign you agenda yeah like so just villains for right wing people black widow is just omarosa after michael clark duncan died i'm trying to think more woker things. I'm thinking Donnie Thornberry. Are you still on Thornberry? Trying to weave him into right wing Don. Donnie Thornberry. Donald. It's the exact plot. They just redo Donnie Darko, but it's Donnie Thornberry.

And so it's the same. Like, it's like, really? I'm trying to think of the dialogue from that movie. What are you doing in that man suit? They fight against the literal social justice warrior oh yeah yeah they fight against her yeah yeah that's the bag that's the main bad bouncing don donald thorne don don imus thornberry all right he's all right we're watching this Rutgers women's game. What are your thoughts on the game? And Donnie Thorne.

It's like he's somehow more racist. It's more racist by doing that. Than saying what Don Imus actually said. Leave him out mid gargle. Donnie Thorneberry. Don Thorornberry. He replaces Don Cheadle in Hotel Rwanda. He's in Africa.

Yeah, might as well. I don't even know. Donnie shows up. There's a bunch of warlords here. There's a bunch of Hutus and Tutsis. What do we do about these Hutus and Tutsis? Killing everyone, and it's a big problem. Which is what they said in the news.

Yeah, that's a direct quote. You're on IMDB right now. Don Cheadle. Don Thornberry. What do you think about this Tootsie and Hootus? Civil war going on in our towns. Tearing apart our villages. The whole city of Kigali is in ruins.

We have to figure out how to stop this. Damn, this movie fucking deserved a... Yeah, this movie rules. Sheesh. All right. Sex toys, lubricants. It's a company called Cake. Yeah.

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What's it like, Kyle? What's what like? Butt sex. I haven't either. Oh, all right. What the fuck? Uh-huh. We suck.

Yeah, we do suck. We're not cool at all. Shit. Who the fuck is outside yapping up? I have no idea. We have so... It's a packed house. Yeah. We're just... It's a packed house. Yeah.

We're just hiring any viceroy. From any... Yeah. Used to be just like a power five. Barstool Alderson Broadus College. Barstool DeVry. Yeah.

Who's that kid... He had like one arm. Like one arm. He carried himself like a one-armed man. Who was he? Where was he from? He was like Western Kentucky, so not that obscure. Yeah, they're just pulling him from everywhere.

The Barstool Gallaudet. I get followed all the time by the weirdest Barstool schools or areas. I got followed by Barstool San Francisco yesterday. That's just an area. It's just an area. I've seen that. The Barstool Gallaudet kid does a better Donnie Thornberry impression than me. Does he?

Yeah. That's probably why he brought him on. What else? We're running out of people to preface with Barstool. We've claimed it all. We've done every noun, pretty much. We've claimed it all. What is next? Barstool

Raqqa? Where's that? Syria. Barstool Aleppo? Barstool ISIS? Just straight, yeah. Let's not dance around. It's Barstool ISIS. Saturdays are for the jihad they're opening up their own office there okay this is like barstool chicago barstool hq and then barstool isis isis yeah yeah that's it isis hq saturdays are for the boys flag on like a real beat-up toyota truck halal her daddy all her daddy um it's they just have like it's like bizarro barstool but they have

like their versions of it so it's like they have chicks in the office no no not in the office their home chicks chicks in the home with Fran and Sharia. Yeah, no. No chicks in the home. I'm trying to think of who their clown nose shirts would be on. Hmm. That's a good question. Just the state of Israel?

Literally just... Just the outline of the border. Yes. Yeah. Confusing flag for people to understand. Sir, is that just the Japanese flag? This is a red dot. There's the start David underneath. Who else?

Carranza or the internet? Carranza. Carranza. But everybody, Vib's like, welcome back to lowering the bar today. Today we're going to paradise. Anyone else? but everybody they have vibs like welcome back to lowering the bar today like today we're going to paradise he has like anyone else gay pats just dead pat all right um your bar still dead pat yeah but can i get a picture i'm gonna get a picture? I'm gonna get a picture.

I guess, yeah. All right. Yeah, that's Barstool Isis. I mean, people like to make fun of Isis, but they have amazing songs. Don't. I'm not playing it, but I'm just saying. Today's episode is brought to you by Manscaped.

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