A New Untold Story - A New Untold Story: Ep. 245 - C.S. Lewis

Episode Date: July 2, 2021

|| A New Untold Story: Ep. 245 - C.S. Lewis || The boys discuss going out during pride month, we smell Nick's dick, and we breakdown C.S. Lewis' the Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe || Nick, KB, OwenYou can find every episode of this show on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or YouTube. Prime Members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. For more, visit barstool.link/anuspodcast

Hey, A New Untold Story listeners, you can find every episode on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or YouTube. Prime members can listen to ad-free on Amazon Music. Yo, what the fuck? Did you know Mr. Tumnus is the dude from Split? Yeah. I don't know what either of those things are. That might as well have been Mandarin. But that's what your beard looks like, Mr. Tumnus. Mr. Tumnus?

Yeah, from Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe. Oh, fuck that. Which reminds me. Is that how you talk? Girls always got to be lying, bitching, or worried about their wardrobe. Why is he doing the the light skin face? Tumnus looking ass. That ain't me.

Michael Gruen looking ass. Don't even play. Which reminds me. Which reminds me. Girls are always lying. The voice is so guttural. They're always lying. These girls are always lying.

They're always being witchy and they're always worried about her wardrobe. She's on some clown shit. Some C.S. Lewis. She's always clown shit. Some C.S. Lewis. She's always... Clown shit Lewis.

That's what I call her. C.S. Lewis. She's always lying to me. She's always witching. And don't get me started on her wardrobe. She'll never wear the same thing twice. Why do you keep trying to talk at the same time as me? It's like you guys finish each other's...

Here's three ways. The three ways to spot if a girl or a woman's married. Three ways to tell if she's a wife. It is not a wedding ring. It's not pussy. And it ain't titties either. She's always lying. She's always lying.

She's acting like a witch. The only thing she cares about is her wardrobe. She's lying. Oh, she's acting like a witch. Better yet, she is a witch. Three ways to tell. What about this voice? Is it better?

Three ways to tell if a woman is a witch. These bitches are lying. The Ben Shapiro voice. They are lying. She is a witch, and the only thing she cares about is her wardrobe. The witch and the wardrobe. What's C.S. Lewis' real name? Clive. Clive Staples.

Is that right? Is it really? Clive Staples? Yes! Mr. and Mr. That's your reply to what I'm going to say No you're just going to say like No that's a new untold story Hey is that story old or told?

No baby That's a new untold story A new untold story. A new untold story. It's a fresh, big untold story. A new untold story. Ah. What the fuck are you doing? Isn't it obvious? You're taking a shit.

I'm taking a big shit. A little poopy? And a messy one, too. Well, it used to be messy. Not anymore. At what point was it messy? When I had to use dry, itchy, scratchy toilet paper. Now it's an easy cleanup mess.

Because I use dude wipes. And ironically, today's episode is presented by dude wipes. That's not irony. Just a coincidence. Dudes, we need to have a serious chat about your bathroom habits. Time to quit shitty, scratchy toilet paper and switch to dude wipes dude wipes are an extra large flushable wipe made with plant source fibers quit staring at me I mean look at you

what you know what's more awe inspiring than this my face what how big the wipes are they're extra large flushable wipes made with plant sourced More awe-inspiring than this, my face? What? How big the wipes are. They're extra-large flushable wipes. Yeah. Made with? Plant-sourced fibers. That's right. Damn.

Designed to give your anus a cleaner, more than refreshing than TP after dropping a deuce out of your butt. Think about it. When you wash your face, hands, or body, use water to get yourself clean. So when it comes to the dirtiest thing we do, taking a shit, why don't we use dried toilet paper? No. Not any longer. Use dude wipes. They will change your life and your anus will thank you.

You'll never look at an empty toilet paper roll the same way again. Be prepared for any situation with dude wipes. They come in home and on-the-go options. Find them at Walmart, Amazon, Target, nationwide on-the-go. Or what we recommend highly is that you go to dudewipes.com so you can save a little bit of money by using code ANUS15,

A-N-U-S-1-5, for 15% off your entire order. Not just one item, not even two items. Your entire order. So please buy it. You're taking a real deep breath, and I'm concerned for what's about to come out of your mouth. What are you about to do? Now, hell, tell me this.

Now, riddle me this. I was walking down the street. Saw this girl. She's reading a book. The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe. And I said, hold on.

What could that book be about? I got one guess and it isn't anything about fantasy or children's adventures or mythical creatures. It's about a wife. It's about a woman. They're always lying. They're always a witch or acting like a witch. And the only thing they care about is their wardrobe.

The lion, the witch, and the wardrobe. Tell me I'm... I can't do that voice. Yeah, do it. Come on. Continue. Now, what's this lion, witch, and wardrobe book that my kids are reading? Is that an autobiography about your mother?

Because the only thing she cares about, the only thing she does around this house is lie. Act like a witch and worry about her wardrobe. That's what I call, she's the lion, the witch worry about her wardrobe. That's what I call she's the lion, the witch, and the wardrobe. Who's that by? It's by,

who is it? C.S. Lewis. Cause that's some clown shit. Is that what that stands for? Clown shit Lewis wrote that book?

Hmm. Oh, fuck. So COVID's over. And boy, is it. We all went out this weekend. Ironically, on Pride weekend. I'm not kidding. It just happened to be there why are you talking like that

it just fucking happened to be there what just happened to be there I can't go out on the fucking weekend that's the voice of someone who goes to New York City coincidentally on Pride and is real pissed about it I wish they would fucking try something with me.

Is it fucking Rainbow Weekend? What the fuck? What they don't get when they say that, like, I wish, like, you wish they would try something? I wish they would. Fucking in the bathroom next to me, I wish they would fucking reach over and fucking try. See what happens. They can do what they want. You wish that would happen? Wouldn't you wish it just

didn't happen at all? I wish they would. Oh, I'd do anything just to have them fucking try. Just try. No, I'm fine with it. Look at these fairies. I wish they would try to flirt with me. I wish they would try to touch

me up, grab my dick. I wish they would. I really wish they grab my dick. I wish they would. I really wish they fucking would. And for some reason it would be hard. I'd fucking see what would happen. Fucking try and see.

I dare you to fucking try. I really want one of these motherfuckers to touch my hard penis. In the middle of this pride thing. I'm trying to get a sandwich. Fucking. I don't have a problem with it as long as you're not fucking hitting on me, complimenting me, fucking trying to grab my hard dick.

Yeah, so we went out. We went out. In the city. I don't think we had any spillover with the pride parade. What do you mean spillover? Like they didn't spill to the bar where we were at. Our bar was like Helms Deep. There was a leather party in the bar adjacent to us.

We were adjacent to a leather party, but I would have rather gone to that because Kyle, you put me in the weirdest situation of my life at the bar. The weirdest situation? I was uncomfortable. What, you were jealous? What?

Of who? Oh, okay. I was peeing in the bathroom. You were fucked up. Oh, no, no. This is 100% true. This is not true. And I feel like I only say it's 100% true when things aren't true.

It's high what? High purply. what? I pervably. I was pissing in the bathroom and next to two friends who both happen to have dwarfism. That's just not true. Little people. 100% true. They were little people. No, they were just

shorter than me. No, Kyle. They were clinically short. I got some news for you. So I walk in shorter than you. So I walk in whenever i see like shorter guys out i always make a point to be like hell yeah we run we're we're the this is the short bathroom this is the short bar and we're like we dap up when we have this they did not dap you up they were trying to wash their hands you're like standing in front of the door you're like

you walk in the door you see two little people people, and you go, oh, hell yeah. Finally. I did say that. Some short guys. I was like, finally, some represent. There was a lot of tall-ass dudes at this bar, and it was crowded, which makes it very frustrating for me and my homies. You bust in the door. These guys are just washing their hands.

You look at both of them. I don't think I looked. I think it was my peripherals. And you go, oh, hell yeah. They peripherals. And you saw that they were short. They were not dwarfs. Yes, they were. And what did I say? Finally, we got some short people here.

I thought they snickered a little bit. No, dude. But then you were standing in front of the door. They were trying to walk around you. And you were demanding that they dap you up. I did. Yeah. We're back.

COVID's over. But the best thing at that bar was That there was a hunk With a chickie And he was What? Didn't like that Hunk and chickie

I didn't like that either Hunks naturally find chickies at bars I was just as bad as Gal Which you also say Little Gal Birdie Yeah No that's bad too

What else do hunks gravitate towards? What's a female hunk I don't Yeah don't say hunk either He was a hunk He was He was That's like Tarjay

But he was kissing He was He was kissing a girl In front of everyone Which I guess Like over our shoulder Didn't care On everyone

He was kissing Really well You could tell You could tell That he was just really just... He had plush lips, it seemed. It wasn't a sloppy bar make-out. It was very sensual, very focused, articulate.

It was an articulate kiss. The intro to a nubile film or a... What? What's a nubile film? What? What's a nubile film? You know, it's just like... What? What's a nubile film? What's a nubile film? You know, it's just like when the actors try to play like they're in love. What's nubile?

Passion HD nubile. You don't know what nubile means? Oh. Look it up, Owen. The women are just as buxom and shapely, but they're in love with the man. Are you? What is this? Nubile.

Nubile means sexually mature, old enough for marriage. You're welcome. So that's what they were kissing like. They were definitely old enough to kiss. Yeah. I mean, yeah. You know, conventional age for marriage. What the fuck?

When did you learn that word? That was the most apropos use of nubile that any of y'all have ever seen. Were you studying a girl's SAT cards this weekend? Yeah, what was going on? Where did that word come from? Nubile? Apropos? Like half the words you've been using the past two sentences. What are you trying to prove?

I don't know. All right. There was a coterie of nubile men and women who were not acting indifferent. They were acting interested in each other, and they were kissing, essentially. Stodgy man. Sart sartorial give me your phone give me your phone right now give me your phone give me your no no what is on your phone do you have a do you have a dictionary open a thesaurus no yeah my girl's been on study mode yeah go ahead say what you wanted to say

No Because I know as soon as I start talking Again you're gonna interject with An unused word Am I not using these words appropriately? What you guys know No I'm just doing the math And there's no way you're not incriminating yourself

No LSAT What is pissing you off Just because I use words that aren't just pussy and butt sex that's the only words you guys know how to use and you're acting so virulent

about it all it's because I'm using some words come on boys oh my god we gotta be better we gotta be better alright

I forgot what we were talking about because you pissed me off he pissed me off so much there He pissed me off so much there. Okay. Who do you think our audience is? Yeah, I don't know. He was...

I don't know. What was the joke? He was a good kisser. He was a good kisser, I guess. It wasn't even a joke. It was just a true story we're talking about the weekend. You guys tried to cope

by making a joke about how they were embarrassing themselves. Good coping mechanism. Why coping? Because you think we wanted to be... Nick got lit. Did you?

I blacked out, but... Let me smell your finger. Again? Yo, come smell my finger. You answer. What's that smell like to you? Pussy? No.

See, because to a foreign nose, that would smell like pussy. To a nose like mine, I can tell she really liked it. She came five times, and she's obsessed with me. All from scent. Come here. Now smell again. Beyond the pussy. Were you her first?

Yeah. Yeah. What caste system does that smell like damn you brought up a plebeian yeah i've noticed i i'm so used to fucking patricians and i'm just taught every once in a while plebeian plebeian snatch just hits different Plebeian snatch just hits different. Oh. What?

Was she wifey mode? You know how I can tell if a girl's wifey mode? How can you tell? It reminds me of an old book. We used to read. Because there's three ways to tell if she's truly a wife. Shut the fuck up. There's three ways to tell if she's truly a wife.

She's always lying. She's acting like a witch. Better yet, she is a witch. And the only thing she damn near cares about is our wardrobe. Shut the fuck up. Oh, my God. Oh, man. Hope you guys are listening to this pod on Sennheiser.

It's a brand. They make wireless ear pods. I just started the other week and can't believe I've been listening to things any other way before with my cauliflower ear. My earphones are always falling out. Not Sennheiser's. Sennheiser's don't. But you don't need that because you probably don't have cauliflower ear. See, I have perfect ears.

And what do you think? They grip. They feel great. They do. They are in there. They suction. But you don't feel them in your ears. And the thing is, I've been a fan of them since before they even sponsored the pod. Oh, yeah. I was a little late to the game. I was a little late to the game, but still a fan before you. Yeah, you went from skull

candy to this, and what? It's night and day. Yeah. I mean, I couldn't keep up with the skull candy noise cancelling, which is unbelievable. Yeah. Can't hear a single thing. Even before I like start playing the music. But what you can hear what you're listening to. Yeah.

What? No, I'm just playing type shit. Long lasting 28 hour battery life. That's longer than a day. Yeah. You can listen to music all day. I've been charging my mic once a week.

You barely charge. Yeah. I could rhapsodize about these fucking headphones, these earpods, forever. Yeah, we might have to do an episode about them. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Is that all, Kyle? What else do we got? No. Head over and use promo code UNTOLD. Just. Yeah. Is that all, Kyle? What else do we got? No. Head over and use promo code untold. Just get them. Listen on them. For 15% off the Momentum True Wireless 2 earbuds or any of their amazing headphones. 15% off is a lot.

That's a lot of money because these are pricey headphones, but it's worth the price. They're made nice. They sound nice. They're Sennheisers. Right. But 15% off is a sound nice. Yeah, no shit. They're Sennheisers. Right. But 15% off is a great deal. And use code UNTOLD. U-N-T-O-L-D.

At Sennheiser.com. S-E-N-N-H-I-S-E-R. Now, you idiot. It's right in front of you. It's E before I. What did I say? You said I-E. Let's just not put an episode out this week.

Go get the headphones. If you send us a picture of you wearing them, we'll fucking retweet you. Oh, and we'll like it. We'll like it. Yeah, let's not push it. So unfair that noon is the only time that gets a nickname. I'm going to start calling 4 p.m. Bonkey.

Shut the fuck up. Shut the fuck up. Shut the fuck up. See, that wasn't her. But she quotes you and said, that is my favorite. It was the Abby Gov. No. I wish. It was good job,bey Gov. No. I wish.

It was a good job, Maya. But guess how many likes it has. I saw that with Supervote. 200,000. Yeah. And they start calling 4 p.m. Bunky. Imagine being out to eat for drinks and you say that.

Do these people really say things like that and get laughs? No. I'm free afternoon, but before bunkie. It's so bad it's funny. It is funny. Bunky. Bunky. 2 p.m. is meep.

2 p.m. is meep. It's meep-a-club. Me and Bafey are hanging out from meep to bunkie Meep to bunkie Meep to bunkie 3 6 is happy hour 6 to 7

Shock top response 5 o'clock is happy hour Someone actually said that the shock top brand account and she responds no please leave i might just drop that like it's my og joke that's more dull i don't want to even get in. No, just react. Say I did say this on my own. I'll bro-ify it. Funky. You're like stop and think about fucking time.

How we call... It's all like 12. One, two, three. 12 is noon. Noon. Noon, but why doesn't anything else get a time? Why doesn't every time have something, a word for it? Why are you doing this?

Let's just start. 5 p.m. should be. Okay, okay, okay. Imagine like that's her brand now. She just, every tweet is about. Yeah, she's going to be like. Oh, she's going to have Bonkey merch. Definitely.

B-O-N-K-E-Y or B-U-N? B-O-N-K-Y. Bonkey. She's not Bonkey It's Bonkey O'Meal Bonkey O'Meal Slut or Bonkey Yeah Bonkey Goofy girl Bonkey little A-Cab slut

Yeah Slutty little A-Cab ass Half past Bonkey It's Bonkey but all cops are still bad Wait it's All cops are Bonkey. It's Bonkey, but all cops are still bad. All cops are Bonkey. Not Viking is going to release merch that a woman invented

the word Bonkey. Get over it. Alright. Yeah, alright. It's Bonkey. Would you look at the time? Bonkey wives matter. This dude just followed me, Purdue22.

His link is just a porn hub. Oh, fuck. God damn. He's hired.