A New Untold Story - A New Untold Story: Ep. 247 - Raws Feller

Episode Date: July 16, 2021

|| A New Untold Story: Ep. 247 - Raws Feller || The boys discuss To Catch a Predator, Ben & Jerry's flavors, AIDS (

Hey, a new untold story, listeners, you can find every episode on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or YouTube. Prime members can listen to ad free on Amazon Music. Kyle, you're like a pedophile. In many ways. Hold on, let me fix my head. All right, start that over because I like that start. Kyle, you're like a pedophile. But first off, what do you mean like a pedophile?

First of all is that you should deny that before you pick at me we're gonna get there but i couldn't get past the fact that you called me like a pedophile what does that i mean i use it as like a filler word you're like just proprioceptively what like via touch what what does that mean you like the sound of kids if you don't like you're not a you're not a physical you're not physically a pedophile you are that's what i mean you're you're the one who said like a pet i use like as a filler word like do i resemble a specific pedophile with some of my characteristics your demeanor i have the demeanor of some like one specific no no just of like there's a lot of pedophiles share share i've watched a lot of to catch a predator.

I did too. It was I thought uncomfortable toward the end. It started off as like a project or did they not arrest them in the beginning? I think at first it was just like a project and there was no arrests and then like the fucking cops got involved

and like that perverted justice was like an online that's what it was called perverted yeah which is sounds like they're like anti-pedophiles getting arrested yeah perverted it's was that it's Anton Scalia that was like looking at porn that was that's what it was perverted justice it was like it was a bunch of adults it was like that that's the name was that not the name pervert i wouldn't know oh and pretend pretend to look it up and then just agree regardless because no one's gonna care to check um perverted justice yeah okay thank you so yeah that perverted justice was a thing.

It's not a thing anymore, but like YouTubers have taken the mantle of Chris Hansen. First off. Yeah. So Chris Hansen was just doing it over and over and over again. Yeah. Just dealing with pedophiles. And they would hire. Was it a good day of work or a bad day of work if they didn't get any pedophiles?

He had to. They had to be like, they had to do like multiple takes, right? Yeah. They had the sting house. They probably went through like 10 and he fucked up a lot. Can we put the bottle cap back on these Smirnoffs that you just brought?

I need to run that again. I called you a pletophile. I actually did look it up and whoever wrote the description for this was horny. It's a slamming wannabe pedophiles with a little perverted justice. I just love slamming a pedophile. That did happen to there. Like there was a continuity error and they had to like run it back or they had to like

Mr. Fogle. We noticed you were hard in the first scene and then you got soft. If you could, we could just get you fluffed. I was the fluffer on to catch a predator. The fluffer. And you think they had to have at least done a cut like mid for some reason or another. And like, what

did the predator do? You just waited. Just went over to the craft table. What did like the cameraman say to him? Just sit there. Stay tight. Makeup, come on. You look nervous. Are you good? I'm just hungry. I don't know. I'm just fucking hungry.

I used to be... I used to work. I was the best boy on To Catch a Predator. Oh, you held the mic? Oh, no. The best boy on the to catch a predator was the fluffer um the youtubers have like taken taken the mantle of of to catch a predator down in a weird in a weird way because they bust them there's like now like 130 000 people are going to see you and all right yeah they think it's like i can can just go. I can go home now. Yeah. Well, first off, the original To Catch a Predator, I think the only thing it accomplished was

like spawning a trend of people with humiliation fetishes. Yes. Trying to get caught. Trying to have that happen. Because the people were always at best, at worst, indifferent. I think like. They're never too upset. So it was just people who weren't even pedophiles

or predators. They just had a humiliation fetish trying to lure decoy network television kids. Frustratingly having to pretend to be a pedophile just so they could get embarrassed. It's a win-win

because if you get caught, you're humiliated and if you get rejected by a kid, maybe even more humiliating. But then they would show up and it was an actual kid. And they would be like, well, fuck. Well, come on. Like, embarrass me. Where's your parents? Call them up.

Where's your parents? Would you have the latest gaming system? How can a kid embarrass you? But those shows were so fucking heavy like just watching that you didn't feel good after watching an episode of to catch a predator it's not like background tv it's absolutely not it's not like a cheery ending of the end credits it's not like reba it's not like reba it's it's certainly not like reba so it's not like reba so it's not the type of show that you can just kind of half pay attention to or do something else while it's playing.

It's not like Reba. So there are things it can be compared to. But the things it can be compared to. Reba. Yeah, you can't. It's nothing like Reba. But there does need to be a lighter a light-hearted to catch a predator maybe not light-hearted maybe more more mundane i guess boring i guess yeah it

would be the next rung below that instead of like there to like instead of the being there to fuck the kid it's there to like it's like a task Yeah, it's just like a kid for manual labor. You were about to say task rabbit? I was thinking of manual labor. Yeah. I was doing a charade with my hand. You picked up on that and stole the joke. Cool.

Fine by me. No, I was going to say a task rabbit who shows up at a kid's. Oh, I was thinking you hire a task rabbit and it's a kid. Oh, you're thinking the opposite. What do I do now? That would be a funny prank show like you it's just like it has the age and like the you know you don't see the age face you're surprised you're just surprised it's like clearly like a shot of a young child's avatar

yeah like you're just like is that wrong he's on the app i paid him 88 an hour to mount my reviews my samsung then you yeah you led then you then like the cops show up and arrest him for like what is child labor laws yeah you're free to go sir but this boy you're coming with us get over here boy yeah there has to be like a lighter to catch a predator yeah so no no no i guess i guess going to the kid's house and just being like all right let me like construct your bunk bed just doing tasks for the boy let me mount your tablet which is a thing yeah people well i'm sure it is because nobody has a mounted modern children modern purpose of a tablet what would you what so many kid toddlers are addicted to those things and like they probably want one mount they probably have a mount to these kids

these days they got mounted tablets it's almost like a tv there's no way there's anybody with a mounted the ipad or a leapfrog i'm gonna twitter search mounted tap like my kids mounted tablet my kids mounted tap what would be the context i'm gonna do the the quote of the phrase my son's mounted how does test grab it work you list a bunch of stuff you can do and then you're yeah then you're hired but like you open up the app and it's like this one's for moving this one's for mounting this one's for construction of furniture this is like a car this is yeah so you could just say like i don't know i could come like blow in your disc tray of your xbox yeah yeah i'd hire you any any any luck on that search not for son but i still got daughter kid no i don't think anybody has a mounted tablet there's time

um a lighter to catch a predator could be 17 year old yeah that wouldn't be that would just be a dating show i guess anybody that follows like a dick sheet amelio which like charlie d'amelio is she the younger one yeah And I'm looking at it now and I have 56 mutual friends with Charli. I shouldn't. You shouldn't have a one. If you're following Charli D'Amelio. Wait, this is either weird for them or weird for you if those are all younger people that follow her. No, no.

That's what I'm saying. They are her age. It's bad for both. So it's bad for you. Okay, I guess. But say they weren't. Say they weren't. If you're following Charli D'Amelio, you either are attracted to her or you like her content, which means you're attracted to her because her content is dancing or semi-new Bobby. I don't know what her content is.

I would imagine. Yeah, just like, yeah. There should be a to catch a predator for guys just going out with ugly girls. Like, get your homie. Just like just like yeah just catching your homie it's it's like the quintessential clown yeah it is the quintessential people would like that would be lighthearted yeah just like uh we're all waiting in the van it's almost like the van in room raiders they have a van i would want to be in a van in this scenario. Yeah. Even if it would be more convenient to be in the home.

You have like a... Yeah, it's like infrared. You see him walking in. You see the girl who's like obviously warmer because she weighs a lot. Yeah. Brighter. She's brighter red. There he is.

He just kissed her on the cheek. And let's go. And then you bust in the door. He's freaking out. He's more ashamed than if he was how did you lure her is it a decoy ugly girl or just a real ugly girl oh yeah it's like a really hot chick pretending to be ugly she's never doing anything at night what do ugly girls like what do you like

uh like sudoku yeah so it's just like it's like a hot girl has never like like contemplated the placement of a three even if it was for entertainment purposes anything in in a newspaper is like an ugly girl thing. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, hot girls don't have to have interests. No, no, no hot girls ever read Foxtrot or Family Circus.

And like a hot girl wouldn't know that ASP is routinely used in crosswords as like snake as the clue. Yeah. Ulysses for the vowels. Yeah, always. They don't know the crypto quips. They don't know that that's going to be an L. They know. Yeah.

If there's an apostrophe followed by two letters, it's aisle. If I'm going to fuck a girl, I don't want her to even know how to use a newspaper. I want her to be confused by the rubber band around it. what is this tube all right come home come come home come that's that should be the test yeah you're like blacked out and like you just have a you always carry a newspaper

yeah a tube paper like do i am i just drunk or is she all right we just plop down the time. The tribune. Yeah. No, I think, or you could do it. You could switch it around. It's an actual ugly girl and so you get to bust in there and it's like, yeah. Why don't you take a seat? You make her stand on a scale.

No, I swear she was 104. She said she was 104. Is that like your, that's your math? That's like the cutoff between being attractive or ugly to you? 105 sounds big. Okay. Okay. I was, I wasn't on board until you said, when you verbalize 105.

Damn. 105. That's a, that's a before picture. A 105. It's a before text. that's that's a before picture a 105 before text three months last year on this date i was 105 yeah it's like an inspirational story i was 100 i was 105 i was on to catch a predator for ugly girl that was my lowest point what's in the bag what did you bring you to her house? You know what he would claim?

His first excuse every time would be like, I never met her. I just only saw her from the chin up. She only posted selfies. I didn't know she was from the chin up. She has a thin face. No. No, she doesn't.

No, she doesn't. From any angle. She only sent me pictures of the top of her head. She had a thin top of the head. No. You can tell. Still no. You can tell. Still no. she only sent me pictures of like the top of her head. She had a thin top of the head. No, you can tell. Still now you can tell. Still now.

It's like, uh, how the actual pedophiles are always bringing like Bartles and James or smearing off ice to like the kid's house. He's bringing like pints of ice cream. She's like, what's, what's in the bag.

It's nothing. It's for me. I was at the grocery store before here and I was going to put them in her freezer. Come on, open the bag. No, it's Ben and Jerry's. Why don't you read the caloric intake of that?

4,000. Ben and Jerry's. I don't know what direction you're going to take this because it could be like three different things. It could be the taste. It could be. It's the political. They're alt left.

They are. Alt right is Nazis. Alt left is ice cream. It's Ben and Jerry. Yeah. Their flavors. Didn't they have a Kaepernick flavor? Oh, yeah. Well, it wasn't flavored like it was like what it was green yeah they advertised it it was just like a green tube

pint pint and it was just his face they were like cummings like new flavor new flavor what what could that that doesn't even remotely indicate what the flavor could be they should make them they're they're getting so they had a Stephen Colbert one, Americone Dream. And what does the Colin Kaepernick flavor taste like? Because that's what I'm prioritizing. It's green. When I'm craving ice cream. So you'd think pistachio or mint chocolate chip, but I believe it's s'mores.

It's s'mores and graham crack. It's, yeah, graham, it's s'more. It's, okay. It's called like a world of change spelled world world of yeah try let's make this cute let's make a difference below smith let's give it a cute name what was the uh the girl who was transitioning she had like a a show my name is jazz called my name is jazz she was like i was a 12 year old that was wanted to be she was a born a boy okay call me like she had jazzberry she was ben and jerry jazzberry but at least that one like gives off like what it could

taste like because you know you're getting some type of fruit fruit flavored ice cream no it would be good good good save there you're getting yeah um yeah and then there's uh call it yeah black lives matter batter that'll be like yeah i guess brownie batter isn't appropriate for a police brutality stance batter up geez Brownie batter. BLM. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Bad look.

So that wouldn't work. Yeah. No, you can't do that. BLM. And yeah, that works better. It's just the baton. BLM. It's just like the most famous white rapper.

They them in the face of blm and m is a rapper marshall mathers um cream just cream no that'd be all right oh yeah cookies well mostly cookies anything kyle um trans pussy just just an ice cream that's is it trans it's it's it's just vanilla it's the new norm it's that's the new normalizing yeah yeah it's just yeah it's it's trans pussy it's just vanilla it's vanilla that's like the bait most basic oh that bothers you oh you don't you don't order, you don't want to order it? You don't want to order the most? Just why?

Are you afraid to say? It's not even a clever name. Just like a guy, a really right wing guy who's just sampling ice creams. Okay, I'll do the orange sherberts and a little scoop of. What is that? I guess I'll try. i guess i'll try i'll try i guess i'll try the uh this one you're pointing to i saw this right here what oh which one the rocky road you want the rocky no no no the one behind her she goes it's in the middle she goes oh oh you want you

want you want the uh the rainbow sherbert no no no oh you want to try trans pussy and it's like it's a cold stone creamery so they're singing a jingle about him eating trans pussy after he tips trans pussy like it love it gotta have it for you he's like the most racist right wing guy ever but he is so hungry he's like his son just won a baseball game yeah he's the sweetest he's buying it for

all these kids it's like the only thing open like there's a bonefish but like it's like two miles away and they're in line and it closes yeah yes and he wants ice he has he's a particular eater he wants the vanilla ice cream it's what's called it's called trans pussy what else would abolish the police but i think you do paul abolish the polisa abolish the polisa lobe jesus christ i would um abolish the polisa lamp and elliott page jesus yeah but you're not even naming ice cream flavors that's what i'm saying that's what

they're getting yeah that's what they're getting into. So it's the Gatorade method. Yeah. No one knows what like when you see Arctic Rush, what you don't know what flavor you're getting into. You're right. Sex. We've tied rush chocolate. There.

See, that's good. That's your freeze. What? Sex reassignment. Chocolate chip. Chocolate chunk. Chocolate. Okay.

Chocolate. Sure. It's a chunk. Yeah, for sure. For sure. You said because you said chip. You were naming a bunch Sure. It's a chunk. Yeah, for sure. For sure. You said, cause you said chip. You were naming a bunch of Lisa's, but you never went Kudrow. Um, yeah, they could do a whole, a whole, like it could be like friends month at Ben and Jerry.

Friends month? Yeah. Was friends. Okay. Abolish the police of Kudrow. Okay. Friends is far too cishet for. No, no, no.

Uh, gender, gender, queer, Aniston. Gender queer. So no no no uh gender gender queer aniston so you could have just said gender queer not gender core gender core aniston who else courtney pussies courtney pussies. Who were the other guys? Women. Phoebe Buffay Cab. No, that was Lisa Kudrow. Phoebe Buffay Cab.

Ross Geller. Roz Feller. What is that? Raw Dog Fell. Roz Feller and Courtney Pussies. unprotected fella sex what is that it's banana gay sex no but like what what is unprotected fella sex it's unprotected man sex yeah Yeah, but where's the friends tie there? Roz Feller. You Roz... No, Feller is a colloquialism for friend. You got a Chandler Bing for me?

Woke? Chandler Binglish has a second language. They deserve... Yeah, they deserve to be the MVP. Who else are we forgetting? Joey. What was his last name? Michael Rapaport.

Michael Rapaport's pussy. I don't know. Joey. It was Joey's last name. It was Joey's last name on Friends. This is taking a turn. Courtney Pussies makes me laugh really hard yeah courtney pussies would be the sex reassignment right she was cocked yeah yeah what was his last Joey Tribbiani

Tribbiani yeah good luck I'm not don't make me say what about what about Full House Bob no

Uncle Jesse but it's just J-E-S-s-i-e like a female oh you're a fucking no yeah aunt jesse you know you could have just said sure i could have done that could have done that for sure for sure for sure for sure uh how many mother it could it could be neil patrick harris yeah just him neil patrick harris mother it could it could be neil patrick harris yeah just him neil patrick harris probably a toffee definitely yeah for sure joey tribbiani go ahead and do it Me? Yeah, it would be like Joey.

Oh, Neil for the anthem. Joey Tribbiani. Oh, Neil for the anthem. Patrick Harris. Tribbiani for the anthem. Oh, that's good too. Me. Yeah.

Me for the anthem. All right. So we have genderqueer. Genderqueer. That's the Friends ben and jerry's releases their friends flavored their friends ice creams that the the flavors are a mystery yeah but they like act like you should why are you worried about why are you worried about the tastes like gender queer gender core and gender core and gender core gender gender core gender it's saying that let me try to say it gender core and aniston rosfeller yeah uh corny pussies um joey Tribby on knee for the anthem. Phoebe Buffay cab.

Yeah. And. Abolish the police. A Kudra or. Who are we forgetting that Lisa Kudrow. Chandler Bing. Chandler Binglish. Is a second. Second language.

That's pretty good. Paul Rudd was in friends anything there paul cops are bastards rudd paul cops are bastards rudd yeah non-binary on non-binary on a grande grande cab oh that's a double one Emmy. Demi Lovato. Demi Lovato. Oh, did you? Non-binary olas. That's your reply to what I'm going to say.

No, you're just going to say like, no, that's a new untold story. Hey, is that story old or told? No, baby. That's a new untold story. A new untold story. It's a fresh, big untold story. A new untold story. Well, we all have funny sex stories, don't we?

Ken Jack? Funny? Yeah. Yeah. Owen? Mm-hmm. I do. Everybody has them, and that's why we like cake.

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ultimate toy for guys uh or people who have penises it was very progressive progressive of you is what you said uh feels amazing and has this cool design that won't be awkward if somebody uh trips across it by mistake you just stepped in my cake stroker uh you all uh ken jack you like the toy wonder it's the the lube for all your toys oh yeah it doesn't uh ruin your sheets it sticks onto the toy but it goes into your ass. Every product is the highest quality and is perfected by real individuals and couples and then it's directly and discreetly delivered to your door. So what are you waiting

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Thanks, Cake. If you can spell menage a trois, you've never had one. But probably. Probably. Yeah, it's probably true. People who can spell menage a trois don't have menage a trois. People who do cannot even remotely spell it. They don't even know what it is. They don't know what it is.

They don't even know that's a word. Yeah. I know what it means. Yeah, you do. No, he doesn't. KB, you've been in a threesome. Your roommate, didn't your roommate bring somebody on? No, he doesn't. KB, you've been in a threesome. Your roommate... Didn't your roommate bring somebody on? No, I got residual pussy.

So, like, you fucked her after you fucked her friends? What? That's what you mean by residual pussy? No, like, residual as in the residue of pussy. Oh! You got runoff? Runoff. You sat in the bed.

Seepage. So, was it a bunk bed? It was a bunk bed, yeah. And just... Eastway dorm can stay. If you live there, you know how easy it is. The bunks are... It's so easy for your roommate to get pussy in college.

Did it leak through the bed like a greasy bag? The bottom bunk stuck out further, so if something fell, it would just land on you so did something fall yes what i don't nothing physical but molecules got into my mouth i had to get my tongue swabbed just to make sure what it was pussy you wanted you got pussy you didn't want any yeah that's awesome man was roomy where was was he wearing a condom i don't know

yeah i could taste the latex the next day you gotta be uh we were talking like at lunch about how like we nobody wears condoms no unless they're made by cake my like fifth grade girlfriend had a latex allergy no way and i thought it was going to be a problem but then we dated for three or four years and never even kissed or you're just like ramming her with like don't you wear like sheepskin or sheepskin yeah you you had like stress in fifth grade about that lynx or something was the brand right lynx yeah just make your dick into haggis yeah yeah not about that i see i say i have a

latex allergy i also have one but it's a very convenient excuse as well yeah didn't you like like a waitress asked you once like if you had any allergies yeah i was like i was in college and i was just like you were in college i thought it was like flirting i said oh yeah that was fun oh that is that's a good flirt she uh no maybe no she like double charged me it's the boston beanery her name was jill i think i know who it is no you don't you fucking don't i still have her number i have it under jillian yeah it's cuter i uh i hired a task rabbit to come uh tonight to hang to mount a tv that was that's what you got a task rabbit for mount a tv that's kind of that's like got to be the most common task rabbit feminine

right no just a feminine trait. No, just serious question. Feminine to not mount your own TV. I don't know how to mount a TV. Yeah, I'm just asking. You're wearing a shirt with a drag queen on it and you're wearing a purple like poofy scrunchie. Two inch inseam shorts as well.

Little Huddy does it. Chase Hudson. Yeah, he goes by Little Huddy. He can't mount a little huddy he can't mount a tv yeah he can there's no chance there's no fucking would you mount i just bought a big tv and i don't want to fuck it up okay so how'd that go well he paid like 150 bucks yeah yes plus tip and I hired him because he had a 4.9 on 269 reviews. 258 are five stars. He has one one-star review. That's rare.

That's on the person with the one star. His name is... What was the guy's name? Prince. Like a prince of a country? No, his name is prince it's his title or is what's his last name it doesn't have his last name just his first initial what what does he look like i don't know he's not he's the uh he's black okay okay but uh i am well known as the well let's just say i'm the king of mounting in new

york with multiple years of experience i'll be coming with the with the tools and supplies to take care of you and all your tv mounting needs is this an escort service it might be but caroline b is the one one star from may 24th if it's the one i'm thinking of shut up uh showed up two and a half hours late was overly friendly in a way that made me uncomfortable that he was mounting her air conditioner and then dropped my air conditioner out the window i kicked him out immediately and then cried for hours grateful that no one's standing there as my ac tumbled to the earth really someone could have gotten seriously hurt or killed.

I've used other taskers before, but I strongly discourage you from hiring Prince. I still hired him. He's like, so she made him sound like a predator, a sex predator who's also the worst possible at his job. Yeah, that's right. And she probably looked for affirmation from other reviews and just didn't at all. All hundreds of the opposite but then i i was like i got really interested in cheap task rabbits on here the cheapest mounter and i found austin okay and uh there's two one star reviews yeah what is he austin he's a mount he's a mounter too mounts tvs but here's the disparity between the best and the worst mounters what is that i don't know

the worst one just doesn't mount it can't just don't the worst mounter has never been a mounter austin was late rescheduled with me three times put visible extra holes in my wall and tried to cover them with toothpaste which to me is extremely unprofessional. Which means he probably had toothpaste because that happens a lot. He left me in the worst situation that I was before I hired him. I had to spend more money to fix his mistakes. He was very unprofessional. Please be careful.

Let's order him now. That was June 29th, and there's another one from June 25th. I would not hire Austin. He came over to hang pictures straight, but he couldn't do it. He put extra holes in my wall that are visible and then filled them with a bunch of toothpaste. Twice.

He has two. He's done that twice. He's a prankster. He's a troll. An imp. He has two one-star reviews. He has a tool belt with crest and aim. I was picturing him showing up wearing carpenter jeans, which is in a loophole has like a tool belt with crest. Crest and aim. I was picturing him showing up wearing carpenter jeans,

which is in a loophole. It's just like a little crest. It was just a little tiny to go. And he just hits two, his two one stars. He both filled up the holes with toothpaste. I love the one part where she's like, she had to hang the pictures up level, but he couldn't do it.

That part is funny. And they were just like, I can't do it. They were going home. He left a bunch of holes not even toothpaste not even try yeah he didn't even try to to do it straight no he just knows that he can't so he's like i'm gonna just straight up one caveat i can't do it straight i've tried in the past i'm just wasting your time so this will be crooked. And I can't, I can't avoid. You can hire me. So there will be some holes.

I will do this wrong every time. Your apartment will smell like mint. Okay. So we had the first review. Somebody saw that. The one review was that, and they're like, can't, no way.

No way. He's experienced by now. He's got the, he's worked the kinks out no one's filling holes with two uh i'm gonna i'm gonna order him are you gonna hire him do you actually what is like uh hire him to do a mounting job what is the downside what is the cons for him like what is there any consequences for him financially you give him a bad review does he still get his money he's only he has he must i wonder what's another job we can see for task rabbits rabbit

people furniture assembly um yeah check front furniture assembly would be funny mounting is the funniest to me just because like you have this nice tv it just fucking falls out of the wall i just i can't get over mounting is like binary you that you do it and it's and it's right or you or you don't and you're not a mounter there's somebody who's 28 an hour again i just love the idea of him just saying i can't do it he's just working on it for two hours and he's like i'm sorry sorry i couldn't do it that's like you're in their home you're hired there to do one thing and you just get there yeah i can't do it that's the one thing i can't do let me say there's one thing i can't do i

fucking tried okay it's it the one thing i can't do is this oh my god i fucking love it so what did you sort it by to get the worst ones the lowest price and um i just scroll all the way down i find somebody who's like in like the 70 an hour range you can get someone to just wait in line for you yeah that's actually convenient that yeah that actually is really cool like i like that did more people getting pissed because like you could it was a hack to get the COVID vaccine. Maybe. There's some just like, he never showed up. He left in the middle.

I want to see the bad reviews. You got to find somebody with like a 5.3. This is hard to find in furniture assembly. Thomas H. Omar F. James M. Oh, fuck. Vice is is gonna steal this idea oh yeah i hired the worst task rabbit task rabbit in new york fuck we better do it i want to i want to hire austin for the toothpaste this guy's only he's the highest recommended furniture assembly guy's only

doing it six times it might be funnier if he just doesn't have toothpaste and he has to like steal some he steals your own tooth and it's like wait it's like he's just like the blue toothpaste the red white and blue one just you have a red white and blue dab on the wall the kid's crest dude not a million years would i trust this guy to put together my furniture like their pictures on these pictures are just like i want the most blue collar looking dude i've ever seen yeah i want them to not be able to like take a picture this guy's wearing clear frame glasses zero chance i'm wearing clear frame glasses to assemble furniture layer cake that's just a movie maybe a different task will help this awful he kept insisting on coming earlier but starting at the same time just wanted to

fucking hang out didn't put the tv on the wall he put it on the mount but not on the wall he attached the tv to the mountain on the wall he sent me to the store to get the supplies never again i love that him just saying like yeah i mounted it what do you want it's it's it's on the mount yeah like as we speak there it is cleaning electrical help painting who's somebody that could get a one star and waiting in line didn't didn't wait just super the most impatient line waiter ever yeah i like i wait in lines

but my one vice is i'm really impatient that's my only flaw i'm a professional wine wine waiter actually just just won't do it. I want to lower the...

Said line was too long. Yeah, your line's too long. The lowest possible positive review rating, but I don't know how to... Here we go, Jason D. Emmanuel K has a one-star review. I found a painter who has a one star review. I found a painter who has just one review.

It's a one star and it's very nice guy, but spilled paint all over my hardwood floors. I was unable to get it. This guy's a one star overall task rabbit waiting in line. He's just never showed up. He's never showed up this guy came to my house and did not know how to do a task but instead of being honest he started yelling at me and i asked him to leave oh fuck it found another just a one one one star review painter and it says did a good job painting but got paint everywhere and did not clean it up i spent hours chipping paint off my floor so he did a good job painting but got paint everywhere else where he wasn't supposed to this painter got fucking pain everywhere you found a doctor i find a doctor

and he just has a slew on task rabbit or what uh well this is on yelp but we could say for creative purposes it's task right it's yelp is fine i'm looking for any reviews any reviews yeah so dr young he recommended my mom get sinus surgery turns out she didn't need sinus surgery and ended up making her go blind i got water stuck in my ear and i couldn't hear it right after i went to the doctor went to dr young in this case and he said i was getting hearing loss from listening to music too loud two days later my ear unblocked itself and was fine the doctor young had told me i need to go to a neurologist jesus let's see they don't know how to talk to patient with bad there's oh my god this guy misdiagnoses everyone there was a kid from wheeling who got uh i forget misdiagnosed with AIDS.

No, he had he had AIDS. OK, like but he was the kid. I don't want to say his real name, but he went by two consonants. I will say RJ. That's not his actual name, but close. Yes. Very one letter away. Yeah.

But it's R.T. B. R.T. Clegg. You remember him, though? he had a permanent kool-aid stand that's like a thing but he did it was i don't think it was like medical and it wasn't kool-aid but it may as well have been because we all fucking thought it was i didn't know if it was medical or kool-aid um he was in the hospital so much and he drank kool-aid it was he had a medical stain got diagnosed with his mouth he had three front teeth he did but no one knew what what the middle one was do you is that was that a thing or not it was the most astounding thing he had three front

teeth very apparent but you could never tell which one was the middle tooth like never but you knew immediately he has something's off he has three front teeth right don't know which one's the middle no tom cruise is a bit different because you see the left you see the right you see the middle okay this kid you couldn't tell which one was the middle you just no one knew you knew he had three front teeth and you were very aware by looking at him there's three front teeth but you could not. You couldn't see which one was. You couldn't tell.

Nick Jonas kind of has three front teeth. Yeah, he does. But I can clearly see the middle one. I know I can discern the middle one from the outer two. This RT, you did not know what the middle one was. You did not. You couldn't tell at all. But he did have AIDS. He didn't.

Yeah, he did. No, no. He will have had AIDS when we knew him. I think he got rid of it. When we were in college or out of college. It's so unforgiving getting just a life-altering disease by one. You fuck once and you have it. Head to toe.

You think it should be more of a like a spectrum yeah or it's like a three strike you get a and then you get i it's like pig it's like horse yeah oh aids is like horse like yeah you go out and just like fuck it like you don't have a condom with you just like a fucking out i only have ai well you're sober you're like ah fuck i can't then you get a few drinks and then it's like i yeah it's just ai it's just ai okay she's cute she's sweet but she has ai okay but wait if you sleep with somebody with ai and you have a do you take their eye i don't think they know no you still have a you just have a well how should aids work how should it work

and then once you get aids you're like no no we were playing hiv right right right yeah yo yo you didn't call bank would you get an age you're banking off the side wall of her pussy what you didn't call oh you didn't call bank you don't get it you don't get you don't get the d no shot no shot let me get redemption so do you have does hiv work in the same manner in this scenario? Because HIV is also a one-shot type deal. Yeah. So you should also, but so then if you get an A for AIDS, do you also get an H for HIV at the same time? I don't know what HIV is.

I don't think scientists do either because there's people alive with it. There's people, I'm'm sure that died of it. Definitely. Wait, can you die of HIV and not AIDS? Yeah. No, no, that can't be true. Can't be right. You can't have both.

You know who got slightly off topic and only slightly? My orthodontist, the one who asked me how my teeth are holding up kiddo yeah seven years later on the stroke of midnight new year's eve and then promptly deleted his facebook we remember that he got copd not doing well chronic chronic something pulmonary disease oh no yeah he has a facebook again and that's how you found out? Did he re-add you or did you add him? Yeah, we're friends again. That's really sweet. He's a new account, so the message doesn't show up.

Is he just deleted when he thinks he sent something that missed? Did you know that? That you had an orthodontist? That asked me how he messaged me on Facebook when I was in college, like seven years after my last checkup with him um it was like right after the ball dropped on new year's eve and he just said how those teeth holding up kiddo like as soon as the ball no no that's lie that's i kind of added that part it was like 1208 so he was done kissing he was done kissing and he immediately thought of you.

And he messaged me that. And I had to go to bed because I had a wrestling tournament in the morning. It was in Chattanooga, the Southern Scuffle. I pinned Gabe Moreno. First match. It's from Iowa State. They don't even call him anything like that. But the next morning, I went to show my friends and he deactivated his account.

That's, uh, he must have been really embarrassed. Did you think you were going to tell everyone? He knew. He knew i would i don't think he knew i was a twitter troll until like he must have figured out like an hour later then deleted it oh shit did you dress well back then kyle i dress well yeah no i wore that the nike slogan shirt that said free yourself but the ree was all blacked out so it just said f yourself oh god i got my first open container in it um so there there was a mug shot not available of me in the fuck you're did you pay to get it taken off yeah okay how much was that i don't i don't know the price i

didn't pay it probably cheaper than getting cuts clothing yeah definitely yeah definitely thank you i could have used that because my shirt i remember in the jail cell i had to spend the night there my free yourself shirt broke you bro that was that was almost worse guard my shirt broke i thought that cuts clothing won't break it's a classic men's staple it's a plain t they refined it and they combine premium quality with minimalist aesthetic it's perfect their shirts polos hoodies and crew sweatshirts are made for the man who works hard plays hard never settles for less all in the sport of business take a plain tea all right think of a plain tea thinking i'll make it tony no. Okay. The bleeding edge of fabric technology meets the man.

What the fuck? My shirt's alive. It's walking fast. My shirt's alive and asked me for Coke. In 2016, Cuts founder Steve Borelli set out to create clothes ready for every occasion with modern man faces. He started by reinventing the T-shirt. The end result is what GQ magazine calls the only shirt worth wearing.

And we agree here fully on a new untold story. We can give you 15% off your first order of Cuts clothing with code ANUS. Nope, it's cutsclothing.com slash ANUS. That is cutsclothing.com slash ANUS for 15% off the only shirt worth wearing it's not just a lifestyle it's not just clothing it's office leisure apparel for the sport of business in uh college my freshman year uh for halloween i went to school in the city we'd have to go

really far downtown to get to bars where you could like drink under 18 because you just couldn't find one near us um and we i dressed up as a homeless man i was popular for a while yeah and it was girls did it better yeah and it's like i was wearing like one of those shirt little uh what do you call it signs you probably look gross girls made it look hot girls yeah girls it looked way hotter than real hot real fucking you had a shirt that said or a sign around my neck that said like, like need booze or something like that. And on the way back, super drunk with friends, but just ran into an actual homeless man on our subway who was wearing, had a very similar sign, almost the same exact thing.

And like, he's like joking with us, like, like, Oh, that's pretty funny, man. That's a pretty, pretty funny getup. And now you're like, okay. Yeah. And then he goes, Oh, so do you have money? And I didn't. Like if I had a hundred dollars in my pocket, I he goes oh so you have money and i didn't like if i had a hundred dollars in my pocket i would have given it to him yeah but i didn't and it made me look like the biggest asshole in the world and i really wanted to just i'm mocking you fuck that

homeless man in that moment yeah we are jumping bumping into somebody dressed as them is... KB, you went as David Hogg. I heard about this. I did. Yeah, he was like an unscathed boy. Dressed. I just starved myself for like six days. Yeah, and then you were just like, I'm David Hogg. Wasn't Jeanette McCurdy a slutty Holocaust survivor?

Jeanette McCurdy, she dated Andre Drummond. And Andre Drummond dressed up as hitler that was the thing that everyone got mad about andre drummond was hitler andre drummond was hitler and jeanette mccurdy was the slutty holocaust victim i'm pretty sure and people got really mad about it seven foot black hitler is funny there's no two ways around it who are you supposed to be take one guess i'm hitler okay we're jordan i'm not one i actually love that meme every time a girl i liked like that was like shorter dated a like a tall guy like six two i would send her that meme like it was always about her getting her pussy destroyed yeah did you like comfort her just

like if you're with me like your pussy would never hurt you know like leave your tall ass dude like for your pussy's sake you're talking about the shack picture now no no this is the Jeanette McCurdy Andre Drummond where she look it looks bad Kyle's tinderbiles just think leaving pussies unscathed

I don't hurt women with my penis anyway with my fists yes. With my fists, yes. Stephanie, you look great. Have you been sleeping well? Yeah. Kyle fucked me all night. I feel brand new. My pussy feels tighter than ever.

Kyle, as soon as he finishes, he's like, how's your pussy? It's fine. Great. You pussy it's fine great you're welcome i told you told you so back shots it's like it's like it's like i've never been fucked at all their pussies are tighter after you fuck them did you did you wince yet? No. Somehow restores their hymen. I heard less than your last boyfriend, don't I? You're like mad when you find out her ex was smaller.

What the fuck? Don't tell me that. She's like, you're so much bigger than my last man. What the fuck? What the fuck did you say to me? The walls restorer. The walls renovator.

The walls respirator. You're on task, rabbit. You're filling up her pussy walls with toothpaste. I got a dental dam for you right here. Damn, your ex-boyfriend was big, wasn't he? I have to fix these up. I got you. I fucking got you.

Good thing I got you. As you take off your carpeting jeans. Store walls. Sliding down the hammer loop. Reveal your tiny cock. I'm the construction worker of fuckers. Puts it up next to her arm and it just goes from like the top knuckle to the second one. You got the stud detector out.

Damn, your ex must have been pretty huge, huh, babe? I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry he treated you like that. I'm so sorry. Did he hurt you? Her ex was toxic. He was like six inches hard. Good God.

No, she was so lucky to get out of that last relationship. He had like a fat cock. Oh my God. She's so lucky to have me, dude.

My dick and balls. You get mad at her for like pretending it doesn't hurt just like did you fake being okay shit you hear even the slightest moan you're like what what was that what babe what come again not literally no god Please don't. Please don't. The wall repair.

Yes. Fucking walls good as new. My pussy feels good. She wakes up. Like a cartoon bird lands on her finger. I don't feel hungover at all. I feel energetic. My pussy feels great.

Tighter than it's ever been. It'll feel like it's not even there. I'm like smirking. When you think your phone's on your pocket, she's checking for her pussy in the morning. What? I don't feel my pussy. When you think your phone's on your pocket, she's like checking for a pussy in the morning. What?

Yeah. I don't feel my pussy. And I'm standing like right back with like a macchiato ready for her smirking pridefully. I'm like, yep. She's like, is it in yet? Thank you, babe. Yeah. You do have a macchiato.

I made her a macchiato and I'm smirking. Yeah. Yeah. That pussy feels good, don't it? About last night. Oh, I know. Shut up. Shut up. Feel the absence of pussy.

You're like sensory. Your dick's a sensory deprivation chamber. It's a cryotherapy for a pussy. Yeah. It's a new untold story. A new untold story. It's a fresh big untold story. A new untold story.