A New Untold Story - A New Untold Story: Ep. 248 - The Horseshoe Theory

Episode Date: July 23, 2021

|| A New Untold Story: Ep. 248 - The Horseshoe Theory || The boys are joined by KenJac & Lil Sas. We discuss belly buttons, milky substances, shorts guys, tough bars to get into, the horseshoe theory, best/worst sports memories, fortnite, & much more. || Nick and KyleYou can find every episode of this show on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or YouTube. Prime Members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. For more, visit barstool.link/anuspodcast

Hey, a new untold story, listeners. You can find every episode on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or YouTube. Prime members can listen to ad free on Amazon Music. I don't think belly button's a big dick. No. Well, yes, that was the whole thing. It was like, it can read if it magically could reach your belly button. You are well endowed.

Not past the point of a high school boy. You're probably in college or above. Well, I'm a little bit of a. Reaching your belly button is not that big of a high school boy you're probably in college or above well i'm a little bit of a reaching your belly button with your dick big of a dick my belly button damn near touches my penis when i'm when it's soft no that's your you're thinking of your butthole oh no that was like a like a folklore no because i remember i remember because i i was a senior and i was always hanging out with the freshmen because i like wanted to have the biggest dick and then we were like yeah nick's coming over and like he's oh nick the belly button yeah that's the one you would get hard and show it to them watch me fuck my belly button no i would never fuck my belly button i

just show that i could reach it that's your reply to what i'm going to say? No, you're just going to say, like, no, that's a new untold story. Hey, is that story old or told? No, baby! That's a new untold story. A new untold story. It's a fresh, big untold story. A new untold story. I'm new, I'm told. Yeah, mine smells bad too.

Your breath? No, my breath smells like 7-Up. Smells like lemon and lime. Because we got high girls who were in here before. My mic's stanky breath. Mine smells like some and lime. Because we got high girls who were in here before. My mic's stanky for that. Mine smells like some really good weed. My mic smells like one of those guys that has the white beads of saliva on the sides of his mouth. Milky substance.

I'm not saying it's that. My grandma has milky substance all the time. Okay, well, that's passable. Mine kind of smells like Badesi. Your grandma? She's never opened her mouth. My grandma's mouth has never been technically open because she always has a strand like the thread of saliva she has a she has a my grandma has a spider web mouth yeah yeah stick to stick to gestures maybe when you talk hey

grandma why don't yeah how about how about you just don't have a head nod would work i don't expect you to comprehend what i'm saying anyway i was uh picking her up to take her to pick up prescriptions and i forgot my mask and she gave me hers and just the corners of it were white dots yeah and nobody knows what that substance is it's like if elmer's glue was carbonated well speaking of that what was the craft store ben franklin every time we'd go in there you I think 90% of the patrons had that. Every patron of every Michael's Craft Store, Joanne Fabrics. If you go in the twine section of Joanne Fabrics, every old bitch looking at a spool has milky substance. Well, you can call it that, I guess.

But it's the white beads the size of an airsoft pellet. Yeah. It's disgusting. But it's passable if you're elderly but if you're like a younger no it's not because the elderly are always licking their lips what is it gross and what makes it white is it the same thing that's like bird what what what makes it turn white and don't they have handkerchiefs quite often rest in peace but mac miller looked like the type of guy who would have he did it's it's he had the teeth and the

facial structure of someone. And the eyebrows. It's actually heavily based on eyebrow. But yeah, I think also a lot of kids that would have Kool-Aid stains grew up to be milky substance. It is the same species. Yeah. The same genus. Yeah. Definitely. I wasn't checking my forearms.

I have like a bite on my arm and I don't know if it's a spider bite or not. It itches. And it just appears last night. i got bit by maybe a baby we got sass on the show just just sitting for moral support looking at his bumpy ass wrists did you guys have the shorts guy in high school yeah of course and we're like year-round we have one guy who was a shorts year-round guy shorts year-round guy his name is ryan and we had a basically in middle school you didn't like wait for to go into the school inside you basically had to wait outside before you went in before they rang the bell to start the day or whatever

and we were just sitting there that sucks it was terrible why wouldn't they let you in legal um and they basically he started a fight one time with a girl this girl was massive alpha like like tall or wide jacked like huge oh and like the girl was defending derby yeah yeah yeah exactly and like she was defending another friend of hers who was a guy that he had this kid ryan had insulted and so she pushed him and he takes off his glasses gives it to what i think are mutual friends and he's like hold my glasses and he's like he takes him he drops him on the ground and the kid goes to fight the girl and the girl just like literally like takes one punch from him right on the chin barely moves then grabs him this kid's like 400 pounds like not like 300 pounds you went to a

gross high school and she's oh it was really gross and she like throws him up against a tree and just starts wailing on him like hammer fists on his head wailing on him and beat the ever-loving shit out of him and he never lived it down for the rest of his life. I think he thinks about it to this day. Probably. Being beat up by a giant woman is okay. No, it was totally fine. You wouldn't believe the... You can't differentiate that. You wouldn't believe...

Yeah, I got my... I would admit it proudly. Yeah, if she's larger than Sarah Spain, then it's okay. But he threw the first punch. Yeah, there has to be a problem. How big does a girl have to be, or a woman, where it's okay to But he threw the first punch. How big does a girl have to be, or a woman, where it's okay to get just mollywhopped? Not even head-turningly large.

Just a husky woman. Can women be husky? Yes. Yes, for sure. Oh, absolutely. Why are you defending this so strongly? We had an all-year-round shorts kid at my school and he guess what his name was it was probably the most masculine name that you could think of pussy fuckman close

what was it his name was guy hell yeah and guy was uh in our shorts year round guy what was his last name was doxam no i don't want to. I had a guy, too. It feels like the kind of family that would sue us. I hate that Guy is literally the most masculine name you could have. And he came from a long tree of guys. I think he was like Guy Six.

That's gay. See, that's feminine. That is gay. If you're Guy the Sixth. Yeah. Or even Guy the Third. We had a shorts guy named Guy as well. His name is guy

lafrance and i think i've talked to you guys about oh yeah was he diabetic he was definitely diabetic but he also had glasses that were like two inches thick and very large and he was also again big shorts guy so we had one big shorts guy in our high school and somebody like shanked him in the middle of winter and being winter and he's like you yelled at me about my school being dirty shanked like pull your pants down we call it pantsing shanked why don't you say pantsing we call it stabbing stabbed and shanking shanked shanking shanked

I thought you just I mean he got stabbed no but he did he ended up getting stabbed he did get stabbed one day by a hypodermic needle just on the ground but his they shanked him pulled his they pantsed him and it was the middle of winter and he was wearing shorts so obviously his dick was really really small but

he was like i remember this he was like that big guy he was so he thought he was so masculine he couldn't he was the guy who couldn't get cold right and he was so staunch like against like being cold he's like yeah you know it's not even that cold out you know all shorts guys are like that he was like no my dick is like always that small like dude my dick is no like and he was like vehemently defending his tiny dick yeah even though it was obviously just small

because of the it was he had a huge dick and he was just like he was defending his tiny he was weighing his options is it less masculine to feel frigid or to have a small dick? Which is the least masculine option? Feeling cold? I feel like a shorts guy has to come from a long...

Again, a long tree of shorts people. It's generational shorts people. A pantaloon guy with a bunch of generations up the line. Like you come home one day and your dad's just cutting all of your pants in half. The hell is this? There's a zipper on the knee. Why are you doing that? He looks under your bed and he finds a pair of

raw denim knee-dyes right next to really hardcore porn. He picks up the jeans. Son, we need to talk about these. Where did you get these? A pile of dead rodents and cats. He's like, no, these jeans are no good, son. Son, why are you doing this

nice pair of cargos so kenja your school was hard to get into no like physically or you mean like actually too physically hard to get into uh no not really we the bomb threats called in all the time yeah same with my school yeah just like all the time it's a regular thing i also pulled a fire alarm in my sixth grade there were there should be bars that are hard to get into not like line wise or like a tire but like yeah yeah well that's small like you have to climb or like speakeasies kind of almost like a speakeasy for like the fit yeah only the top one percent like one of those peg boards it's like an american ninja warrior yeah you wouldn't believe the weight of this bar oh how long oh no it was like 350 350 pounds had to deadlift it at the door

how was the line the slack line yeah you have to walk a tightrope to get into the bar climb a rope oh we had a guy that we got thrown out of the bar died that needs to be a thing because bars like are all the same i think there is no difference between any bar anywhere besides what's hanging on the wall because you're going to be doing that one bar that had the swings as seats yeah that was horrible you swung right into the table but then we were at the time we were like shins are bleeding yeah only in new york no it could be anywhere the most popular bar in columbus was called seesaw and it was just a regular bar but with a seesaw that nobody used yeah who's like like a singular

one yeah it was called seesaw and everyone there is definitely like oh this is great too they got the seesaw and that's it end of list that's all you need like oh there's fucking there's bras i love this place it works yeah just opening a bar with one playground item on it. Because you're going to be sitting or standing and drinking. That's all you're going to do no matter what's surrounded by you. I think a nice basement bar with a tube slide going down to it from the entrance would be kind of cool. That would be a lot of fun.

But you have to also climb up to get out. So this bar is still very hard to get into. The bouncer is literally like on a trampoline like double jumping double bouncing you out of line crack the egg on your there was a girl in my grade in college who was in a wheelchair and her boyfriend would uh carry her down to the basement for parties and uh dropped her one time oh no and then what do you what do you they killed him yeah that was that was it hold her up like a bag of mulch while you guys dance to honey by 070 shake

she can't even shake the honey um they also carry the chair down for her oh so was it a collapsible chair eventually get back into the chair well i couldn't oh usually you're down i feel like usually yeah i feel like usually it's like two people. How do you carry easier because you have handles? Do you like fireman carry or do you like over the shoulder? He was like a six foot flat, 400 pound Nigerian. Okay. What about her?

Crippled. Yeah, there's more to that. No one's ever like asked the race of someone their hand yeah it's just that's that's the overwhelming feature um yeah well was she super heavy as well no well you could be heavy in a cripple yeah you don't get much exercise you don't get many steps in a day you're not is there apple watch count rotations you have no muscle mass i mean yeah but that's the density you could still be a very fat crippled person i don't know she was not we didn't have any wheelchair bound people in our school i don't think that we had someone who was

like paralyzed in the midsection yeah yeah they couldn't control their belly button it was moving all over their body and then like the guy got a little cocky he thought it was his pussy that's so weird when like a guy's dirty talking it seems like a lot of like things are like whose pussy is that when he's like that is a thing you're like i see that on twitter tell me tell me whose pussy is it i guess like yeah sure you have a pussy no yeah no no stop saying it it's my pussy this isn't this isn't a euphemism don't say it's my pussy figuratively or temporarily while my cock is inside it say it's my pussy anatomically tell me that i have a vagina while i'm fucking tell me i'm fucking my pussy tell me it is literally my pussy it belongs doesn't just belong to me it is on

my body i have a tell me i have a vagina that's exactly how it goes it starts with just like who's who's pussies now tell me that's my tell me i have a pussy i'm your pussy no no no no that's my pussy i and how good's my pussy getting fucked right now? See, we're all with you back to the self-fuck Reddit. Jesus Christ. Nope. We had one kid. Did you ever do a trip in high school?

Not an out-of-state trip, but a stay-away trip or whatever. Nothing along those lines. Did we? We went to the Top Thrill Dragster. We didn't go to Cedar Point, the park. We just went to that one ride. Yeah, they took us to one coaster and then brought us back because it was like it was our engineering class but then we also um i went down state for a graphic design competition that was our biggest field trip came in third on ours you were just that what so it wasn't a field trip it was a competition yeah that was just a totally different thing it was your own just

wanted to wedge your only ribbon wanted to wedge it in. Your only ribbon. Wanted to wedge it in. We'll cut that. Yeah. No, no, no. We'll keep that in. Second runner up. This place is called Frost Valley. And the reason I brought it up is because you mentioned the wires before as part of

the entry to this said bar. Oh, yeah. And there's one... One of the things was like a three-wire bridge where you walk on one and use your hands on the other. And this one kid was going across and his belt came loose. And his pants came down. And his ass came out. And this one kid was going across and his belt came loose and his pants came down and his ass came out.

And his last, his name is Kevin Gallagher and then the entire rest of his life his name was Moonshine Gallagher because the shine of the moon bounced off his white ass and off into the public. And that's just,

that's one of the worst nicknames I think you could have gone by. Moonshine Gallagher sounds cool. Moonshine Gallagher sounds awesome. Sounds like a really rough neck Irishman. I think one of the sexiest things a girl can have is titty glare the moon pop the back moonlight just bounces off it just oh if they use flash photography like i i would rather i'm more turned on by the glare of

the titty than the nipple of the titty i think i want to do like a photoshop where if it's a girl big ass tits and then like nipple instead you had me there already instead of the nipples it's those red solar flare eyes and just glaring at you i yeah the devil i'm trying to think of just more new york bars that just have things in them that there's people people would convince themselves that they like it there's one with like the i think it's called the tree top or something where it's like uh they have all like 80s pop culture shit in there. It's all Star Wars, Indiana Jones and crap like that. Literally, when you walk in, there's a giant tree

house with Yoda popping out of it. That's cool. It seems like a lot of people are buying old banks to just put something in the vault and turning it into bars. Every college town has a bar called The Bank. It just sucks. I've seen a lot with more than anything uh it just sucks it's just like yeah let's go i've seen

a lot with most anything more than anything else they turn into like a draft house where it's like the you know it's like they have ipas and all that weird shit there and you can pick out and taste different beers and i don't like those or they have one like called the library so like your receipts say you're at the bookstore or the library which is ours was called tellers great pun guys you bought 12 green tea shots at the library nick shut up nick give me my pussy back nick where'd you put where's my pussy babe no please you told me you can go but leave the pussy

open a bar with like just gum on the ground. People would convince them. Definitely a thing. Yeah. Divorce settlement. Definitely. Well, gummies.

It's, it's sticky. Fuck. Yeah. Line around the corner. People go berserk for novelty. Yeah. Even if it's like not appealing,

they want that fucking cup. The gum under the table just the shaped cup they want the shape you almost bought a long cup of the yankee yeah they're the best no they're not a regular cup is the best that's why there's the most of them this was an extra long one yeah it was it was the size of a vuvuzela yeah it looked exactly like a vuvuzela was a vuvuzela. It was a Vuvuzela. It was a nice pink frozen drink in it. It would hit the spot. Right up KB's alley. I'm a sucker for that hue.

I saw a tweet that men who order fruity drinks breaking societal norms exude big dick energy. You wrote that? No. What about just ordering fruit from like HelloFresh or something? No something that's actually extremely feminine well no whoa brother you got it all wrong you got a deficiency because i'm

i'm the face of masculinity and uh i have hello fresh and it cuts out my stressful meal planning and uh grocery store trips and i finally enjoy cooking again i fell out of love with it and now i'm it's reeled me right back in and along with that reel was a nice cut of salmon that came in and i've been making that you just had to plop that into the the apparatus the kitchen apparatus yeah ready to go yeah i could put it in any apparatus and the farm fresh ingredients are sourced directly from growers and delivered from the farm to my front door in under a week and it's contact free

because I don't want anybody I want it from the farmers dirty dirty hand did you get hard to my mouth making salmon did I get hard making the salmon let's let's just say yes well he's a bear let's just say yeah I did leave it at that no

additional questions and we're all pretty privileged we all have tons and tons and tons of money and so a lot of people probably think they can't afford hello fresh um you're some of you can't uh some of you some of you let's uh let's sit this one out uh but for the rest who are just on that cusp of like should i shouldn't i we'll give you a code you can go to hella fresh.com slash untold one two that's untold 12 for 12 free meals and that's including free shipping hella fresh.com slash untold 12 use code untold 12 for 12 free meals that's a dozen yeah 12 free meals it's a good deal they're all out of nick's pocket and i'm the most masculine man there is i only i don't open my hands they're always in a fist what how that is not masculine

it's the most masculine way you can touch another man that's the horseshoe theory because it's also the gayest way you could touch nah what are you talking about you're talking about you you would punching is punching another man is straighter than fisting another is straighter than fisting another man is gay but you just said it's the it's the most masculine way you can touch another man is with a clenched fist i mean i don't know about that i mean they're both punching a man is straighter than fisting is gay no no yes no i'm looking at the charts right now i don't think i'm gonna i'm because like 70 percent of the punches i see another man throw or like they're always whack i'm always like that but when the one wasn't prepared for this moment so you're saying 100 of the fist fistings you see

there's no straight fisting i mean i bet like dana beers has gotten fisted as like a joke yeah anything to make the boys laugh yeah, we're headed out to seesaw. But first, first, let me be your puppy. I pissed you. But like, that's not even like Greco-Roman gay. That's like gay gay. We're swooned to pro-vaccinated. First off, what do you mean Greco-Roman gay?

Like fucking little boys. And wrestling naked. The Olympic style of wrestling. What is that? Isn't that the same thing? It's, there is some crossover. Crossover with what? With whatever you said.

I don't know what the fuck you said. It's an Olympic sport. There's going to be crossover. What is the style of wrestling? It's an original Olympic sport. You can't touch the legs. It's only upper body. And the singlet is a little bit less.

Less fabric. Can you tie another Olympic sport? I'm looking it up right now. A homoerotic foreplay? A Greco-Roman singlet is a little bit less less fabric can you tie another olympic store what's i'm looking it up right now more erotic foreplay greco-roman singlet don't look it up what's it look like greco roulon garner didn't lose his toe for this i don't it doesn't look that bad thank you wait a minute is wait is that it yeah that's it yeah or is that just a regular singlet that's that's it no no no that is it wait a minute we're not greco-roman wrestling may not argue visual semantics how much less is the singlet because it's already not a lot it doesn't fucking matter greco-roman are they naked kyle no what's your best sport the original wrestlers what's your best sports

moment my best sports favorite sports moment that i was in or just a sports fan i don't i think that was implied that it was as a fan why what was the best sports moment you were in um sheesh i couldn't tell you there's too many there's too too many why don't you come back to me why don't you say one of yours what is he you were always pretty you were always on the podium you're always closer it was like took a step uh-huh i was always raised i was ascended when i played golf i uh had to do it we had to do tournaments over the summer to like practice and uh one of them i came in third sounds like not practice to me one of them i came in third like competition i came in third place and it was a par three course and uh got a lot i think i think second place was like 20 strokes ahead of me and it was it was only

three of us in the turn oh no three well you met so that was like i know like bodybuilder ass dudes who will post like their wins yeah it's like you're the you're the only 29 year old bodybuilder in this specific region in the pittsburgh metro area so i was in the state social studies social studies fair in uh eighth grade and that's just child protective services i was the only one in my category at the state level and uh i didn't get enough points for first so i had to wear a silver medal on stage for for the only person in my bracket i was the only person you got second out of one? Yeah. But you didn't meet the criteria for winning? I have a photo because my mom was insanely proud of me.

Two of one. Yeah. 100% true story. It was at West Lib University. The state fair. Just didn't get enough points. There was a lot of categories. There was a ton of categories.

I think my only one, I had in the park home run which was only kate happened e9 e8 e7 that's not a hit brother it's not even a single i was uh you couldn't if you had a in the park home run as a little leaguer it was an error no it wasn't there was three errors they missed a second no hits your average went down your average went down after your home run it was the winning home run too or winning runs the winning error my worst sports story was probably when i might like i i really sucked at baseball but my dad was like obsessed with baseball so like we would always like practice and like i eventually damn that's crazy holy shit i eventually decided that that i wanted to be a uh like a pitcher so my dad like practiced forever and then finally my coach put me in and like i think the inning that i pitched and the coach just wouldn't take me out i think the inning that i

pitched lasted like an hour and a half like i let up like 30 runs and there was like a grand slam. And you just wanted to be taken out. You were just like looking over at the coach. I was like, what the hell is going on? Like it was literally like a public shaming type thing. He was probably like smirking. Yeah. Like schadenfreude type. Like I let up and it's like at that age, it's not like you're playing

like away or anything like that. You're playing against other kids that go to your school. Yeah. So it's like everyone at school knew. Yeah, you just got shelled yeah there's no like mercy rule in this little league no it's like oh the inning's over after 30 runs i had a uh i was so bad at baseball and my dad was so embarrassed like of going to the games but he did anyway he was like mortified but once we were like rallying back everybody in the dugout had their rally caps on. We had two outs, but we were like one run down. I think there was a runner on second and third. I was up and I went up and I like stood there to bat.

And I just got called out as soon as I got to the plate because I went out of order in the batting order. So I had to walk. They had to win. I had the losing out without even taking a swing. Jesus. That was brutal. And my dad just like waited in the car. He was just I just had to go find him in the car he was just i just had to

go find him in the car that's when you knew you fucked up yeah athletically it's such a strange parents that like your dad will get like angry about like children like about you playing bad yeah that's when they got the angriest yeah my dad you see it's bradley hughes from warren township what about he looked just like elizabeth moss like as like a separate same height face which was intimidating at the time yeah it's a hot boy boys that's a hot beautiful that's a beautiful young boy no no oh like heroin era elizabeth moss she wasn't was she ever beautiful oh i'm thinking kate moss no elizabeth the handmade moss oh that is that's that's el that is. Elizabeth Moss is a non-attractive woman, but an intimidating boy. Correct.

Yeah. So that's what I'm going, getting at. He looked like Elizabeth Moss as a seven-year-old, so he's the most intimidating boy on the schoolyard. There was one of those fields with no fences. Oh, I hated that. So you had to run out there. So he hit one far, as far as fuck he he rounded the bases i was pitching and then he like has like just to rub it in he rounded them again oh no he

did yeah he's like watch this he didn't just he did not run the bases the second the first time around he did a light jog like a normal home run the second time around he started doing like karaoke and like keishon johnson ladder drills and like walk like that's cartwheels that should get it you should get like a technical or something from that um i told kyle one time me and my two best friends we signed up for a three-on-three basketball tournament um and it ended up being in a more urban neighborhood than we were from and there was just two brackets it was u18 and over 18 but we were like 12 so you were in the u18 playing against me yeah yeah um so it was like two game elimination we lost both games one shut out one we scored a single point but but the single point i like crossed up like a

pretty overweight black kid. But everyone was surrounding the court, on the court, and they went crazy. That would be legitimately the top moment of any white man or boy. Yeah. It was unbelievable. Yeah. I think being bad at sports and just playing. I played a lot of sports.

I was always playing sports, and I was terrible at almost all of them you had to play they like it's like it's like it's truly traumatizing super mandatory too you never really talked about it was never like written yeah legal doc i played had to play every sport that was available i played basketball soccer hockey golf lacrosse yeah ski i was on the ski team for a bit. Yeah. I was actually good at that. But I mean, actually. I mean, what do you have to do to stand and not fall?

I was like racing. Were you guys? I wasn't good at it. Were you guys Little League teams random? Yeah. Yeah. We had drafts. No, we had drafts too.

We had drafts. We had closed door drafts. Which is just crazy. Which is crazy. Yeah. When I was in, when I played hockey, we had like, like, well, I guess this doesn't make sense. I'll just leave that out. When I played hockey, it was like, I was really young, like probably like third grade, maybe younger than that, maybe second grade.

And like, we like had tryouts to be in like, I think it was like called like mites, like the levels. Oh, yeah. There's many mites. Yeah, I think it was mites. So we were really young. I think it was mites. So we were really young and they sent out the list. First of all,

doing cuts for a second grade hockey team is ridiculous. Yeah. So they sent out the list of everyone who made the team. And then there's like two spaces down, three kids who didn't make the team. And I was on it. No, it was like me.

And then like two special needs kids. And it's like, why are you sending that out to every single family? that we didn't make the team um yeah we had drafts my my dad was a coach and it was like an unwritten rule that like you take your son would get your would get his son yeah and then one year another coach in the league who was like kind of a dick drafted me so my dad would have to trade like our best player for me for you so he would be able to coach me that's it that is just that is a smart move dude like when i when i was a senior in high school the lacrosse team was like going to like

the states they were going like state finals and um like we were all like smoking cigars at graduation and lacrosse kids weren't allowed to because apparently a couple of years ago, like the town, one of the towns over from us, like they were in states against us around graduation. And like one of the kids went to our graduation and took pictures of the lacrosse kids smoking cigars and like sent it to the league and they all got suspended from playing. Aren't you? Jesus, aren't you like 18 when you graduate? But you're not. You're still not allowed to smoke. Didn't we have a similar thing, except it was the kids on a bus, and it was

rape? We had a kid, and this is 100% true. The footage leaked. The footage leaked of... It was the basketball team, right? Was it the basketball team? Yeah. The JV basketball team made a kid spread his ass cheeks the entire trip to Charleston, West Virginia.

And they were just like... They were flipping coins in it and laughing and shit that's fun yeah it's really fucked up flipping coins and it's like that's like 13 reasons why yeah there's like a crazy uh thing like the best athletes are super cocky but the fucking cross-country runners for some reason oh yeah same with my are the cockiest assholes i ran ran cross country. I did too. But like they were the good cross country runners. Oh no. They were squirrely and mischievous. And they were assholes.

And they had the same inside jokes as like a camp counselor. Yeah. They acted. I think. Actually at my school I think it was a very big crossover. Like most of them were camp counselors. Yeah. No.

They all were. Yeah. That's why I said it. And they were like. All they wore were the XC shirts. Yeah. And like. Like what.

Your. My warm up is your. Like something. Like shirts. Oh. My sport is your my warm-up is your what like something like shirts oh it was uh it's your sport it's punishment yeah and i was like uh cool like you're the best at getting punished yeah man your sport sounds awesome yeah yeah you're running oh it's also on the track team yeah we had one kid who was like going to duke he was like unbelievably fast but his his wrists were a little limp when he ran oh no and that's a death sentence but and i was a freshman and i

i was trying to emulate the way he ran so i started running with limp wrists and then the upperclassmen were just like what the fuck are you doing they're like you look like an idiot yeah i thought it was a strategic move they don't know about jokes no high school i mean especially sports can leave you really traumatized you might have to you know some sort of therapy meditation segue i'm segueing for you kyle i actually fuck with this app because i'm i'm a hard-nosed boy i come from a blue-collar family but i was raised as a star athlete. So I don't want to go face-to-face with a person to help me get my fucking head right.

I'm not going to go look at another man or woman and have them fix me. I'm going to get an app. I'm going to download an app and do it virtually. I don't have to look anyone in the eyes and tell them I'm sad or depressed. Are you even reading it? I actually have the app. Alright, go. What are the specs? Why don't you tell me the specs?

It's fucking easy as fuck. It's so easy to download. It's your daily dose of mindfulness in the form of guided meditations and an easy to use app. Is it easy to use? Yeah, just like a computer automated voice. It's not a real person telling me what to do and how to get better. Have you ever done the three minute SOS meditation?

I've done a three minute SOS meditation. How'd it make you feel? Better. Than? Before. Better than like times when I was aching or in pain. It's backed by 25 published studies. It benefits everybody.

60,000-star reviews and uh guess how many downloads a lot what's the population of portugal probably like eight million okay more than that yeah that's 60 million downloads which kind of they shouldn't put that there's six thousand five six six hundred thousand five star reviews that's a small but uh yeah fix your your guys weird brains oh we're twisted in the head fuckos sass you you need it because you're you're mentally broken yeah you're a tortured boy you are i've never seen you like truly happy i've seen you laugh luckily we have a code for little sass and everybody else who's like him uh you can go to headspace.com story that's headspace.com story for a free one month trial with access to the full library of meditations for every situation headspace headspace.com story good work, boys. Very good. Story. Thank you.

Story. Thank you, Alan. That is S-T-O-R-Y. That's not how you spell story. S-T-O-R-Y? Yeah. Yeah, it is. How do you think you spell story?

I wanted us to convince us he was wrong. You had me in the first half, bruh. Not gonna lie. Brought you in here because you play more video games than me and kyle a lot more and uh you're a fortnight guy well i was i'm i'm actually was a fortnight guy for a night fortnight was awesome i went to marshmallows virtual concert at pleasant park yeah he had like a concert but you had to like be in the game. Yeah. And I took, I remember I pre-gamed it with like an orange Tesla ecstasy pill.

In the game or in real life? And I played on my friend Del's Fortnite game. And so, cause just so I could attend this concert. What was his tech? He played all the hits. Del doesn't have good tech. Del has the best tech. Don't make me explain why.

Why is his tech? Why is your boy Del's tech the best? He's Asian. Yeah.. Dell has the best tech. Don't make me explain why. Why is your boy Dell's tech the best? He's Asian, and he has the best tech. I thought you meant like Dell, the computer. Now he's got an Alienware. I'm rolling at this concert. And you can like, there was like mods that make you like jump super high during the bass drums. What do you mean by mods?

You don't need to mod Fortnite to jump. Yeah, I think you were just jumping. I was mashing A. I was mashing the A button like it was a piece of bubble gum and it was wait what why are you mashing gum what what no i'm chewing it he was chewing it no i was gnawing on the i was pressing it with my fucking teeth do you think you were the only person in the concert on molly were there no he played he played it was the same as a fucking real music festival set he played all the songs yeah i felt like you were there yeah it's been better to like watch a youtube video

of an actual marshmallow concert oh my god no i was you could you could make your character jump i think i had this one of the yeah i've seen i've seen the footage they also try what scott did one uh did a comment did you actually what skin were you in i think everyone was dressed as marshmallow weren't the travis lebron maybe no lebron wasn't on at that point were you dude the skins are so weird because you're just killing real people yeah it's who has a skin travis scott travis scott marshmallow david hawk lebron ninja yeah he does yeah scott lebron david hogg juju smith schuster um lockland ninja killing the david hogg skin must well he can't the character can't pick up the gun he does he's not a lot i remember vice city remember vice city i would you would there's a cheat code where you can play as ken rosenberg who was like just the lawyer in the game and like

the the cheat code was all caps like my son is a lawyer or my dad is a lawyer when i was younger what was the point of playing as a ken rosenberg it was the thrill of just having another option when i was younger i uh i would play like nhl games all the time and i think i was like going in between nhl and like gta for a while and i was like dude nhl would be so fun if you could just like pull out a gun yeah and just start shooting the other players yeah yeah and slugfest kind of delved into that territory fantasy yeah there's some power punch you could punch the third basemans i still can't over. Did you buy a ticket for this concert? No, you just logged on.

You just had to log. Was it live or did it? It was live. It was live. Yeah. Did you, was your mic on to where you could talk to people? And he, Marshmello was like acting like a real DJ. Like you would like talk to the crowd in between songs in between like alone and happier. He was like, Pleasant Park, how the fuck are we?

And then you couldn't speak yourself so you just made your character jump twice double jumped it's just a firm that we're feeling good was it fun yes it was a blast i'll still go back and watch the the set on youtube why why wouldn't you just watch the afterglow i don't i don't i don't get it i don't get the fun in it you don't get games you don't get gaming culture Fortnite used to have all these huge events And that was one of them Every time a new season came out

The world would explode And then all of a sudden everyone's flying through space And Ninja would go live streaming And he'd be like oh my god And they would have 400 million views And they would have weeks where Thanos Was just somewhere on the map. That sucked.

That ruined the game for a bit. I'm sorry. Yeah, because I was playing Fortnite and then all of a sudden Thanos comes over, just crushes you. David Hogg just stops the Infinity Gauntlet. I said never again. So David Hogg was a skin on. Yeah. No, he was not.

Dude, look it up. Kyle, you were flick. You flick a booger? No, I'm cutting off the sticker. it up. Kyle, you were flick. You flick a booger? No, I'm cutting off the sticker. The sticker. Sexually frustrated. For sure. Isn't that like girls are, oh, you must be sexually frustrated because I'm always like

picking at the beer label. Oh, yeah. No, I just. I always do when it comes in, it's wet and it just rips off in one swipe. That's a good sensation. An endangered sensation. That's better than sex, right? It is endangered.

Yeah, for sure. Bitch, don't grill my cheese. It's a restaurant. It's opened by my apartment. Really? Have you gotten it? That's a must hit. That's a must hit.

A belly button dick wouldn't be that big. It's enough. I don't think my belly button is that far to my dick. Go get hard real quick. So it is. My dick is definitely not this big. My belly button is like six inches away from the top of my dick. From the base?

I can barely even reach it. Yeah. I think I just have a low navel. You have a high dick low navel But if I You have HDLD HDLN But if I lean over

If I lean Oh yeah you could also If I lean over It's like this Are you still trying to claim That it You reach Yes

You've been thinking about that all day Your dick reach You think it's not impressive The thing is It's not impressive If you reach Or if you don't impressive it's not impressive if you reach or if you don't like it's just a gauge

you probably have like HTLM HTML HTML is like a TV thing what isn't it no that's code that's internet code that's HGTV no I was saying HDMI

HTLM. HDLN. High dick, low navel. Yeah, okay, congrats. Your dick reaches your belly. Also, when people say my dick soft versus hard, you could stretch your soft dick to be as long as your hard dick. No, no.

Always. No, no. My dick is not ripping half. Not me. You can't stretch your dick to be six inches long. Yes, you can. No, I have a taut dick. Your dick is taut?

I'm taut as fuck. It's like a fucking hotel sheet. What's that stretchy little boy toy? Stretch arm strong. Silly party. Large has one before the company party. I was sitting next to Ken Jack because we were waiting for Nick to come. And I was just playing with that thing for like

30 minutes and it was so entertaining yeah so the stretchier the toy the more the more fun the toy is but when it comes to dick stretchy dicks aren't no you should go to the doctor like instead of buying my kids like a stuffed animal I'm just gonna buy them a stretch Armstrong

that is a stuffed animal he's stuffed has a girl man is the most dangerous animal started pleasing you early while you were still soft no it's super funny no way what no way i've never been pleased i've never that's that's the thing about me i don't yeah i'm never satisfied as soon as you're satisfied then you're accepting you're complacent with how successful you are true hustler mindset so wait you weren't even at the brink of being hard when she was just down there you must have had a lot going on you might talk up mentally oh yeah oh i thought like nasally must must have been a dark time for you for sure the darkest um yeah i've For sure. The darkest. Yeah. I've came soft too. I've done that.

Yeah, me too. Must have been a fucking dark time, dude. You must have been fucking going through it. You thought you had erectile dysfunction. You were 19 at the time, maybe? You thought you had ED at 19. Yeah, well, it was like anxiety-induced ED. You were diagnosed with ED.

No, I self-diagnosed myself. That's just anxiety. Anxiety. I couldn't stand hard while I was jerking off, dude. It was crazy. And then I started going on 10-mile runs and eating so many veggies. And I bounced back.

You were getting rock hard. Because it's like once it happens one time, that's all you're thinking about for like the whole day i'm like i haven't gotten a boner all day like this is like that's what you were thinking about all day yeah i was like trying to get myself hard and i just couldn't it's crazy my hardest boners were always in church really that's you're gonna go to hell for that brother i don't i don't think mine on the on the mose scale is it varies i think i'm just always the same mine was probably like in like sixth grade in school always like you're

like you're like when i get home the first thing i'm gonna do is jerk off the first thing i'm gonna do i have memories of being in like middle school when you're like the horniest you ever have been and you're like we'd be like we would have lunch in the middle of class and i remember having to like get up and just have a full like i'd be like the last kid to leave the class. I just have a full boner. I like to think, I like to think we weren't talking about boners before that. And you're just like telling up a story.

It was like at lunchtime. We'd all eat all our lunch. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. We should. Yeah. Like I would be extremely horny in school.

We had a kid. I'm just telling you guys this. We had a kid with, he was on the spectrum, and he was giving a presentation in Spanish class and standing at the front of the class. Oh, no. The exact same thing happened to me. We all watched his dick.

To you. You had a boner in front of your class? No, no, no, no. Same kid sitting on the spectrum. Same kid? Same kid. He got expelled in with disaster no that actually makes sense he probably would have been in your grade by the

time like no this kid was in my grade the whole time but uh yeah he he had to like do a presentation didn't even acknowledge he's got like a loose ass basketball shorts on just full boner oh no i was at catholic school so we had like charcoal gray like pleated pants and like his dick was rising and the zipper was like falling beneath the belt it was just getting really obvious and we were all like starting to laugh and the teacher was like let him finish the presentation the presentation

let him get off have a way robbing fifth grade dick I don't get hard very often maybe monthly I get a monthly boner it's like an my dick's like an electric bill it's one of my utilities it's a big one oh god jesus so we're here with a little sasquatch uh you're young pussy you little bitch

you probably don't remember things that happened long before you were born no you don't remember the off the top of my head uh 96 olympics are you serious the 90s he doesn't know richard jewell is you dude what yeah how often does that happen like especially like in this field that has to i mean it'll happen with like nate will say some shit were you alive during 9-11 and i'm like yeah i was one you think there are any 9-11 babies conceived in a tower? In the tower? Yeah. Man.

Yeah, because they're just like, yeah. Well, they're probably in a building next to it. And they're just like, this thing's going down. We better just. We've always wanted to. Yeah. Let's go out on top. Well, you on top.

They have twins. That would be June 11th. June 11th june 11th 2002 louis ck had such a funny bit about 9-11 where he was like if you he's like the best way to tell how good of a person someone is is like how long they waited to masturbate after 9-11 and he was like for me it was between the first and the second tower going down and like it turns out like after everything that happened it was probably true 100 i don't i was actually listening to uh shane gillis was on joe rogan yesterday and um it was actually a

really good episode and shane gillis said like everyone like all everyone in the comedy industry like knew about all that shit before it like came out and he was like saying that like as soon as it came out everyone was acting like it was like this crazy horrifying story and he was like if it was so crazy and horrifying why did no one none of you say anything before the same shit with cosby yeah well cosby's shit was a lot worse no i know but like yeah everyone in everybody knew oh yeah i think yeah they all know everything harvey weinstein too i mean if you're going around raping like over a dozen people, it's pretty hard not to know. Yeah. Guy like me, I'd get caught after the first. That's how you know I'm not.

I leave a messy trail. I leave a paper trail everywhere I go. You could follow those breadcrumbs right to the right to the victim. It's my biggest from the victim to me. I couldn't. That's how you know I'm a good guy. Yeah, because I haven't been caught. I'm a messy assaulter. No, no.

You would know if I did it. I'm way too messy. I love tunes. I love catchy songs. I love music. And I love my Sennheisers. That's what I listen to all my podcasts, my jingles, my tunes. I keep them burrowed in my pockets.

You keep them burrowed in? Yeah. The case. The case is really nice. It's really nice. The actual phones are in my ears. When it comes to earbuds, it's all about sound quality for me. I've never truly found headphones that blow me away.

Well, until now. We should put the funniest jokes of each episode at a level of audio only sennheisers can pick up yeah you know what's the sennheiser plus section of the pod it's our version of patreon they capture the craziest frequencies that yeah it's i feel like a rare frequency really rare frequencies and uh you'll hear them all right in your sennheisers uh i bought my current headphones because they're made by a cool brand uh like sennheiser that's the cool brand for me i don't want to be a sheep just wearing uh other other headphones are like fashion accessories i

want i'm a fucking audiophile yeah i want to hear crisp i want to hear crisp. I want to hear bass, low bass, high hats, and drums, banjos, trumpets, saxophone. That's why you got to check out Sennheiser. They make the best earbuds money can buy. The past 75 years, other companies focused on phones or tablets. Sennheiser just put sound first the way it should be. Their new Momentum True Wireless 2s deliver the best listening experience that have been finely crafted for even the most discerning listener. They have a free smart control app.

You can adjust the sound to your personal preference with a built-in equalizer. They're noise-canceling, of course. They're long-lasting with a 28-hour battery life. Holy fuck. Other products, they have sound bars for your audio needs. And they have over-ear headphones, which are really cool, too, if you just want to walk around and have people know that you're listening. You look like you're from Jet Set Radio. Jet Set Radio Future.

It was the demo game that came with the Xbox. That's right. CNET called the Momentum True Wireless 2's clearly superior sound quality. I remember when they said it privately, but then it was released that they claimed that publicly. These are the AirPods you get if you value sound quality over everything else. Kyle, you were a fan of Sennheiser before they became a partner of the show. Yeah, before we were even connected.

Before we were even connected. And that's why we were so excited to agree to this deal. Because we sat down and we usually... We're boys with these guys. Yes. Now we get to actually work with them. Now we get to work with them. It's a dream come true.

They're the best earbuds I've ever owned by far. They look super cool and they fit perfectly in my ears and even in your ears. In your ears. I have a bachelor's degree in speech pathology and audiology. That's right. And? I remember the tympanic membrane. That's the only thing I got

out of that. You can get the Momentum True Wireless 2s just like us with code untold if you go to uh sennheiser.com slash podcast with code untold but boys this is limited only the first hundred untold codes uh which we will get to there will be 200 total earbuds sold with the untold code. You get these for 15% off the momentum. True wireless twos.

Uh, when you go to Sennheiser, that's S E N N H I S E R. Fuck. I spelled it wrong. S E N N H E I S E R. Dot com slash podcast and use our promo code untold. Fifteen percent off.

You mean your reply to what I want to say? No, you're going to say, like, no, that's a new one. Hey, is that story over told? No, baby. It's a new untold story. A new untold story. It's a fresh, big untold story I knew I told