A New Untold Story - A New Untold Story: Ep. 250 - Property Brothers

Episode Date: August 6, 2021

|| A New Untold Story: Ep. 250 - Property Brothers || The boys discuss why they do it & who they do it for, a fully cancelled TV network, Kony 2012, an update from the Rediscovering America trip, & much more || Nick, Kyle, & OwenYou can find every episode of this show on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or YouTube. Prime Members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. For more, visit barstool.link/anuspodcast

Hey, a new untold story listeners, you can find every episode on Apple podcast, Spotify or YouTube. Prime members can listen to ad free on Amazon music. Welcome back, guys. And just guys, probably. What probably was unnecessary. Definite. Welcome back, guys and guys. Well, we need it. We need something. Welcome back, guys. And like over overweight and slightly overweight guys. What's our,

what's our demographic. I would picture them like, um, like emaciated. Yeah. Welcome back guys. And guys, uh,

they don't consume anything. No. Like food wise, like sickly boy. Okay. They only have enough energy, enough energy to consume like a 15 minute podcast. Actually,

let's do that. Let's, uh, starting right now, we're going to do skinniest fan of the week and we'll, They only have enough energy to consume a 15-minute podcast. Actually, let's do that. Starting right now, we're going to do skinniest fan of the week. We'll post it on Twitter and we'll just be like, the skinniest anus fan of the week is so-and-so. Head to toe, too.

Not just torso. I think our listeners have long toes. You know how they have long toes and you hear them clacking around when they're bare? We'll send them the wrapper of a Clif Bar. Yeah, you can lick it like Charlie Bucket did to that bag of chips. Was that out? Charlie

Bucket. Are you thinking of one of the Oliver Twist characters? No, no, I'm thinking of... I'm trying to think of famous Hungry Boys. The titular James from James and the Giant Peach. Anyways, what episode is this? 250.

What was Eagle Ants named? That beats me. Okay. 250 episodes. And we don't do this because we like it. Well, it's a duality of the podcaster. Yeah. We're addicted to making you guys laugh.

It's our heroin. That and heroin. That's our heroin. Heroin is our heroin as well. This microphone is my sword. That reads our suboxone. That's right. The microphones are sword.

It's not easy. Your ears are like a village that we're about to pillage. And the moat would be your Spotify subscription or Apple Music. We're the brick masons of audio labor. But the mic is our sword. And people that

listen, there are there are I feel like you had this one prepared, so why don't you run with it? I don't know what they are. It's the most you've ever lost from a coin top. Every day we put it all on the line. We experiment.

Doctors, they go and there's a book that tells them what to do. Is there a book on podcasting i don't think so we're writing it as we go each day is a new page sun zoo said engage people with what they expect it is what they are able to discern and confirms their projections it settles them into predictable patterns of response occupying their minds while you wait for the extraordinary moment that which they cannot anticipate sun tzu's great great grandson said i like when they do the smelling dicks bit again did he yeah yeah yeah yeah we as soon as his uh ancestor loves listening to a new untold story his dad conquered nations and wrote the book on how to defeat your enemy in mental and physical warfare.

And then like his lineage, like my, my answer, my, my blood, my seed will rock history forever. And he's listening to our Dick sniffing. Dick sniffing.

What else did he say? Sun Tzu was a Hufflepuff. He was. Small minds discuss people. Average minds discuss events. Great minds discuss events great minds discuss different variations to make puns out of celebrity

names that also double as sexual euphemisms Heath Ledger Heath Ledger to get the candy bar we can segue that into Jake Gyllenhaal blowing out his cheeks

Jake Gyllenhaal busting blowing out his cheeks jake gyllenhaal okay so we have a jill jill who's that queef latifah queen laqueefah yeah no it's the duality of the podcaster because I stay up so late every night. Um, you know, when I wake up by 11 AM, it's like, oh fuck. Four days until I have to record a pod and it's all a countdown. And what do I get in return? A good bit, a good bit. Could it be worse? Yes. Sometimes you crave that nine to five though

sometimes i crave that nine to five fucking cube life that's been too long since i've opened up microsoft excel instead i'd say i drink at noon and try to make a pun or a yeah experiment with homonyms i'm callusing my thumbs right now looking up famous Jills. Are you looking that up right now? Jill Biden pegging Andre Hall. That would be Jill in Hall. So we can do that.

We don't do it for the glory. We never have. We don't do it for the money. Well, it is our job. don't do it for the money. Well, it is our job. What we do it for is it's pride. Get on this microphone.

When I'm sitting in front of this mic, this might sound crazy. This is where I feel at home. This microphone's my home. The listeners, you skinny motherfuckers, you're my family. Family always sticks together. I appreciate you guys.

Kyle, is there anything they can do about getting fatter? Getting fatter? Besides eating? That would be the only thing they could do. Some sort of healthy food option? They need more carbs. You know where they can get them? They can get them from Hello more carbs. They can get them from HelloFresh.

They can get them from HelloFresh. I don't want them to burn calories walking around a grocery store. I want you to sit on your bony ass and your gaming PC at your chair and wait for the HelloFresh to come to you. It's so easy. But is it

reasonable? Wait, wait, wait. Say that again. Say that again. I broke. I broke. My bad. I'll cut it.

Is it reasonable? Oh, I fucking keep wrapping. I keep breaking. Let me... Does this answer your question? HelloFresh is 28% cheaper than shopping at your local grocery store and 72% cheaper than a restaurant meal without sacrificing quality. HelloFresh offers flexibility you need to easily customize your order on the app within minutes. Usually change your delivery day, your food preferences, plant size, or skip a week whenever you need. Kyle, care to share a personal experience?

The salmon, the cannolis, the chocolate mousse, the triple layer fudge cake. Oh, and I mix them all into one. The risotto, the mixed veggies. You went like eight desserts in a row there. Wait, is it a salmon cannoli? It's a salmon cannoli. Or was there a comma?

No, no, it's a salmon cannoli. And you'd think that it would be a cannoli with salmon on the inside. No, the salmon acts as the shell with cannoli cream in the center. It's fucking incredible. You guys can go to hellofresh.com slash story 14. That's story 1 4 and use code story 1 4

for up to 14 free meals plus free shipping. Now for those diehard listeners, it used to be 12 free meals. Guess what they did? Threw two more in. That's incredible. Throw a couple two more in. Jesus Christ. That's incredible. Throw a couple more meals in? My goodness. Please, sir.

Nah, you don't want more. No? I don't know. They wouldn't want more. Please, sir. This was the perfect amount. They're perfectly content. Thank you, sir.

With the amount they're getting. This was adequate. That's a little twist for you guys. Theme song? You mean you're going to reply to what I'm going to say? No, you're just going to say like, No, that's a new twist for you guys. Theme song? That's your reply to what I'm going to say. No, you're just going to say, no, that's a new untold story. Hey, is that story old or told?

No, baby! That's a new untold story. A new untold story. It's a fresh-baked untold story. A new untold story. As of today, Cuomo cancelled. Damon cancelled. Damon's out's out Matt not Johnny Johnny Damon has like 8 DUIs yeah but Matt Damon

Johnny Damon's like a stan of Friday Beers Johnny Damon he like if you look at the comment he's like commenting on every single one Johnny Damon's like punching the DUI card his 10th one's free what do I get with this Matt Matt Damon he is like punching the DUI card as 10th one's free. What do I get with this? Matt? Matt

Damon, it was a self-cancel. We haven't seen that since Spurlock did it. But it was he was just like, yeah, my daughter had to tell me I couldn't say the F slur. He like did not realize. He made it through 2019, 20,

then 21. His daughter was was like you can't say now do you think he was ramping up his use of the word in the pandemic or uh i'm surprised he let her like stop him yeah yeah didn't he have like a clause for his first born his born ultimatum you can't stop me from being homophobic. That's the one thing you can't do. That was the born ultimatum, yeah. You can't eat dessert before dinner and you can't stop me from saying

gay slurs. The original goodwill hunting was like beating up dudes thrifting. Ooh, I like this. Hey, you! Hey, you want to go goodwill hunting? Who's that fairy from that Will and Grace show? Things I'd do to him. Yeah, that was his goodwill hunting.

Oh, so he's out. Yeah, he's out. And so it's just like the group of canceled A-listers has been growing exponentially. Oh, there's a full roster. How are you an A-lister with a team, probably the most esteemed team covering every single base and you just still get canceled?

It's got to be they're just bored. There's a celebrity fatigue, praise fatigue. Yeah, praise fatigue. It's just, yeah, okay, I guess I'll tell people that I say it. Oh, you know what would help my daughter's profile if she stopped me from saying the F slur. How old is the girl?

She's got to be a teen. She's got to be a teen, right? There's probably people trying to save her, like teal-haired thems, reaching out to her like, get out. Get out now. Run away from your home. You deserve better. You deserve better than being raised by a insanely wealthy philanthropist who sometimes yeah no no he does i mean that's stupid

they need all the canceled celebrities for him to say that somebody needs to buy their stock low and just put together a tv channel. That's a bunch of shows with, with canceled celebrities. Just let them, it's like Fox. It's Matthew Fox is the channel. And he'll be like, Hey, Matthew Fox from lost.

Yeah. Who was he? He was, he, he's a, he's an abuser. Oh, okay.

Yeah. And I remember, uh, Dominic Moynihan, the guy from lost that had like his hands early. Oh, no, no, no. Oh, not Penny's boat. Yeah, not Penny's boat. He came out like unprompted and was like, Matthew, was it named Matthew Fox?

Yeah. He beats women. Plural. A lot of them. Then it was like, oh, she's Jesus Christ. But it's the Fox channel. He starts it. And there's just a bunch of shows. On this, Fox's

hand would just say, speak English. We're in America. Speak English. I'm trying to think of some canceled shows. Cosby Show. Yeah, those are on there. But like 30 Rock is Hunter Biden just doing

a 30 pound crack rock. I'm trying to think of like it's more obvious ones. Mel Gibson. What's he? He's an anti-Semite, right? That 40s show. Yeah. 40s show.

Yeah. Sorry. And he just gets to say it as much as he wants. Say all kinds of things. Stephen Hyde. Someone telling Steven Spielberg to hide in the attic. I'm assuming Spielberg's Jewish.

Yeah, that is a safe, safe, safe bet. I'll tell you on that one. And alive in the 40s. Michael Richards? Michael Richards is Black Mirror. He's mirroring what black people say, verbatim. No, he would just be E-R.

Michael Richards in R. Wait, why does E-R have a lowercase? Lowercase E in R. Oh, it doesn't stand for anything. This is a suffix. Michael Richards and E.R.

Oh, man. What else is there? Shows. Shows. MASH is just what Mark Wahlberg does with his fists every time he sees somebody with Asian descent. That took place in what Vietnam yeah yeah he's just there he goes it's it's it's the second

it's Vietnam War 2 and it's just him and he wins in a landslide and it's all caps for a reason because he really mashes it's not like Mark Wahlberg mashed them no he mashed them or a children's show Did Mark Wahlberg mash them? No, he mashed them. Or a children's show.

Wahlberg could be Sesame Beet. Sesame Chicken. Yeah, he goes and orders Sesame Chicken but gets mad at the counter. I'm trying to think of what else. I'm listening on the new episode of the property brother. Mr.

Hogan. Oh, what do you consider black people? Yeah. I don't want to say, say, well, what do you,

what would he say? Cause he's the villain property brother. This one is actually just rolls credits. This one is actually... It just rolls credits. That one is on HGTV2. What is that? Hogan goes to Virginia two centuries ago. Oh. Mad Men. Mad Men.

Mad Men. Ray Rice and Aroldis Chapman. Yeah, they're mad. Hard Knocks with the Browns and it's Chris Brown. He's knocking hard. Fuck. Fuck.

Who else? Twin Peaks Mary Kate and Ashley as toddlers and people were like it's a peeping Tom it's a it's a Jared Fogle looking at him with binoculars there's the peak that route too yeah oh you thought them

toddlers but also it could be like their first time doing heroin it could be yeah yeah or their last Bob Saget in their dressing room I don't know peaked as toddlers, but also it could be their first time doing heroin. It could be... Or their last. Bob Saget in their dressing room. I don't know. Instead of silent library, silent locker room. Oh, fuck.

You could have just said silent library. You could have stuck with library. It was the whole faculty. Were they fucking everywhere? I think the whole faculty was silent. The library was already silent, but it was more silent. You could hear a pin drop

in that library. You could shush if you heard a page turning. Who else has been cancelled? Oz. What is Oz? I've said the prison show, obviously. Catherine Heigl and looking at your dick for the first time.

Aww. No, she's in awe. A-W-E. Fuck you. Queer eye for the straight guy is just DaBaby going and living by Hammurabi's code. Yo, you fucked a dude. Give me that. Give me that thing.

Um, um, what about JK Rowling? What could she, she got canceled for being transphobic? Oh yeah. Yeah, she was. Um, Seinfeld.

I'm just spitballing out. I'm thinking of popular sitcoms. Kevin Hart instead of in Wife Swap, he's in Wife and he just has to go home to her instead. Oh, fuck. This is not going to work. Oh, fuck. This is not going to work. Oh, shit.

Parks and Rex. Rex. Rex Chapman and wrote like trying to like team up with Rosa Parks. He's like the two heroes. I don't know. He calls travel on the guy walking to the back of the bus.

Travel. Rexon Parks is Caitlyn Jenner committing vehicular manslaughter and getting out. Going to her mansion. He's going back to her mansion. Drive away. Calling a charge on the MLK assassinations. assassinations. No, it's charged with the police with riot shields coming at kids,

black kids trying to go to school. The guy who initiated Kony 2012 was canceled. Yeah, because he was beaten off in the street for public. Yeah. Yeah. And then so then Kony just got away with genocide. Was that the same thing as invisible children?

Might've been a rebrand. Yeah. He got away with genocide because the one thing you just had to avoid doing jacking off in public. But like we as a society decided that that was worse than it almost is I mean it's more avoidable and there's no upside the danger to the risk reward is like slaughtering

children is unavoidable no he had I'm saying it is more avoidable than jacking off in public yeah what do you think? Wait, what do you mean? I think slaughtering children is slightly more avoidable than jacking off in public.

Slightly. I don't know. I think, which one is easier to accidentally do? Kill a child or jack off in public? Yeah, there is a better chance I kill someone than jerk off in public. Yeah, exactly. But not millions.

Oh, we're talking about millions now. Millions, did he? That lore increases every year. 2012, it was hundreds. 13, 10s of hundreds. I'm tired of this Coney revisionist history. In the history books, they'll give them seven billion kills

that's people didn't separate the artist from the art with the guy with coney 12 2012 i would i love that as an excuse of like you get shamed for eating subway you got to separate the artist from the art. I can, I'm listening to remix to ignition, eating a six inch foot long. I got to separate the artist from the art. I've probably done that in my whole entire life. At least eight times. Yeah. Listen to remix to ignition.

Since I first heard remix to ignition or maybe world's greatest. I've listened to R Kelly while eating subway. Yeah. Yeah. You separated jacking off in public is probably the most avoidable thing you can do. I'm trying to think of a situation where you could possibly

accidentally do it. Yeah, I don't know. You're just like... You're having sex in public and she just evaporates oh what the fuck oh like yeah yeah we get hit with a nuke and she's on the closer side of the nuke so like for that split is that the first thing to make a like a woman disappears evaporation is the most natural way that would happen yeah a whole body disappearing she fucking evaporated

what the fuck what the fuck did my girl evaporate i'm just trying to think of like you're like at a you're showering like at a beach shower that just kind of has like okay now and now that i'm thinking about yeah it would be kind of and then like somebody easy to do easy yeah public fucking and then she's like one second stay hard for me well yeah aren't there shows like a rapture where they just disappear yeah so if you're having sex during a rapture maybe adjusting your cock you would have to be adjusting at the exact

second she and then she disappears and it looks like you were masturbating yeah and then conan gets away with it yeah then that's it's as simple as that it's as simple as that coney fell off but you said his body count was in the millions no i made that up i like thinking like a girl's body count like a guy that doesn't want to believe it so he convinces herself she got confused and was like oh oh that's

like her sleep number yeah what's your body mattress yeah yeah yeah like 160 because we were in the bed we were fucked up oh yeah she thought she definitely thought i meant like her her sleep number so what's your body count 148 but it fluctuates what yeah bet bet their sleep you put a scale on the bed to find out how much she weighs. That's it. Or do you pick her up in her sleep and just drop her on it? Babe, you sleptwalk right to the scale last night.

And then you put your finger down your throat and made yourself puke. It was... You've done that for the past like eight nights. Keep that up. You were like accidentally three pounds heavier than last week. She's a heavy sleeper. Oh, you can't wake her up.

No, no, no. She, she doesn't toss and turn. So she gains weight when she sleeps. She doesn't move at all. She's a very heavy sleeper.

She's not fat. She's just a heavy sleeper. She's not fat. She's just a heavy sleeper. She sleeps naked so she doesn't get hot and burn calories and she doesn't roll around very much. She sleeps at a caloric plus. I wish

I wasn't going to correct you, but you actually lose more weight in your sleep in the cold. Really? Yeah. I remember we were cutting weight and we were like a pound over the night before and we would just turn that we'd crank the AC, drop nude,

roll up the windows. We'll cut the wrestling talk. Yeah. Absolutely. Okay. Well, no, no, because this is relatable. It's relatable to a large percentage of athletes. I can't sleep naked. Me neither. It gets sticky to a large percentage of athletes. I can't sleep naked. It gets sticky. Yeah, it gets weird.

You're sleeping. So I have a weighted blanket and that doesn't coincide well with morning erections. My dick has like an eight pack. A back sleeper with a weighted blanket who gets morning erections his dick is just shredded every morning it's hitting the gym this throbbing cock got chiseled in 30 days by doing nothing at all. I went to a rest stop

on the way to Chicago this weekend and they had eight urinals and two of them had poop in them. I mean, that was the same guy. It was a duo of hellions, but it was most likely the same guy.

No duo is that evil to commit spontaneously to that prank. Or somebody went in and saw shit in the urinal. You think it's like a domino effect? Yeah, it is a domino effect. It's a Rube Goldberg.

Alright, Rube. It's your last one. I know your age is starting to take a toll on you yeah so the first guy's gonna shit in the urinal and then uh and the next guy's gonna come in and shit in the urinal no actually and then the water is gonna get on the floor and then uh no no and then a dude's gonna come in with a mop but then have to shit and then somebody will come in notice it bring it up on their podcast rube i take back what i said i think that was a domino effect two completely separate entities

strangers that the one saw the first and they're like i can do this because that happened to me at cooperstown dreams parks uh suicide jokes are so like out of like it's they're so cancelable now that like moms are now like if you saw your friend shit in a urinal would you do it too because there's no jumping off bridge talk so if Michael shit in a urinal you would yeah

yeah probably Michael's funny as fuck set the stage just it doesn't have the same impact as jumping that happened to me at Cooperstown. It was my first taste of a... Rapscallions? Of a community shower. But we were 12.

And I remember one kid was like, I'm wearing my bathing suit. I'm not exposing my prepubescent genitals. So I did it too. So there's just two of us. And then that big mistake. Did you still soap off your shorts?

Yeah, so we got extra clowned. We would have been better off showing our dicks. I had to show my cock and balls first day of high school. Why would you have to show your balls and dick first day of high school? In gym class, you had to shower. You had to shower in gym class?

Yeah. And they made you do it on the first day to get it over with. They're like, this is something you'll have to get used to. Oh my God. That's traumatic. Yeah. I was five foot flat. Rotor over here. I was five foot flat. What do you mean they told you that? Yeah. You put your hands over your... You were naked. You were naked. I'm proud of you.

High school's a scary place. But you put your hands over your dick? You covered up your dick with your hands? No, that's not gonna fly. Get back in there and get... Hands up. Hold on. What did he do?

Hands up and windmill your cock. Rotor! Instead of doing laps. Rotor! Instead of doing laps. Rotor. Back in there. I need you to scrub your dick three times. What is the suicide version of cleaning your dick and balls?

The suicide version of like running and touching your lines. Cutting it off and then stabbing the rest of your body. Talking about suicides in gym class. Running back and touching your body. How would I ever know that? Rotor. Shampoo and conditioning. You call that a clean dick?

Don't make me get in there. I'm horrified to fly tomorrow. Why? I don't know. I think it's going to crash. Probably. There hasn't been one in so long. I know. I know. I was hoping there would be one today mm-hmm I never go back to back

unless oh fuck I went into a goofy ass mood today I'll take some of that KB yo alright you have to fucking talk just give me the green light KB yo alright you have to fucking talk

just give me the green light and I'm ready to go that's one thing about me I just need one green light I gave you a green light by saying your name people are always shouting my name for those listening we're doing this portion of the podcast on the road for Rediscovering America

we're in Detroit what are your thoughts kb yeah it's detroit i have some thoughts uh our first car was an infinity we have a rental car that we go around and i thought it was ironic that we had an infinity why uh that's how many that's really how many bitches i was planning on fucking on this trip no you've never even you've never came back fit into the infinity and so we had to switch to a a u uh uh what what are we driving right now the our car is a tahoe a tahoe and that that's ironic as well kyle um because that's usually what i say incidental that's what i say to your girl after i'm done fucking her in the morning there's no word british accent you say yeah because that doesn't work why that would be tata no no because i'm

that i'm trying to get out of her place that fast i'm trying to get out of her place that fast i don't have tahoe is ironic because that's what you say to my girl tahoe i can't even do a british accent she doesn't even care she loves it no. She hates it. She thinks it's gay. She always tells me. Whenever we're talking, she's like, that Nick guy, your gay friend. When he does that British voice when he leaves in the morning.

After your gay friend fucks me. Yeah, but she thinks it's the most annoying thing in the world. First off, you say just ta, and she hates that because it's ta-ta. I don't care if she hates it. Nobody has ever said bye. I don't give a fuck if she hates it because I'm just trying to get out of there so fast. I want to get out of there so fast because she's kind of gross.

I don't have time for the second ta. Whenever she talks about you – I just say the first time. Whenever she talks about you, which is often negatively. It's often. And she's always like, she doesn't even know your name. She's like, who's your gayest friend? Whenever he's done fucking me, he's always the most annoying guy I've ever met. He tries to do this funny bit where he does like a half British accent when he leaves.

And then like he tries to scurry out but he always keeps poking back his head to see if I laugh. And she always laughs. And she never does. I'm out of the house before she even knows. Sometimes she has to force a laugh because just to get you out of there faster because you will linger. You will loiter on her porch

just to, you'll peep through her hole just to see if she's like cracking a smile. It's not funny. I know you're upset right now. It's not a funny bit. Because I thought of two good car name jokes and you don't have one. You think Tahoe is a good car name pun. In a British accent? After I fuck your

girl? Yeah. Yes. What's your best card? I know you're in your head right now. You're trying to figure out a way you fucked my niece's son or something like that. Wouldn't need that. Yeah. No, there's no, there's, I don't need that.

I don't need a car. I tip my cap and I say Tahoe after your girl. How do you say it? Tahoe. Yeah. And she laughs. She never laughs. It's a post-coital laugh too.

It's a post-cum laugh. She literally vents. And you know a post-cum laugh. She vents it. You wouldn't know what a post-coital laugh, too. It's a post-come laugh. She literally vents. No post-come laugh. She vents it. You wouldn't know what a girl sounds like laughing after coming. It's a different laugh. Yeah, what is it? You get a sympathy laugh.

Like, oh, he's cute. I get like, he just rocked my pussy laugh. I get what this is. What? This is earlier when we were doing a TV show named Puns, and I oz was what girls say when this what my girl probably said to you about my penis and what did i say back it was my it was my current girlfriend and my ex she does not say ah when she looks at my penis she's in awe when she looks at my penis because it's big and not not a single wrinkle she thinks like the most annoying thing in the world

it's just like your ta-ta joke i don't have a ta-ta joke i have It's just like your ta-ta joke. I don't have a ta-ta joke. I have a ta-joke. It's your ta-joke, which isn't a joke. It is a joke. It's clever wordplay, dick. Okay, Dave. Oh, yeah, we're here with White Sox Dave. Hello. Hello, hello, hello.

Long time, first time. Long time what? Long time. Long time what? Long time... What is which? Listener. First time caller. You've never listened. I've never listened to a single word.

I just listened to the last five minutes, however, and the amount of puns and wordplay that were going on, we didn't... Nick did 0% of a pun and I did no i agree he's right i did have a lot of like clever wordplay you were kb you were there you should know you should recognize no good wordplay dave is nodding off on percocets right now i'm not nodding off you have no idea what's going on i'm intimidated let's say that i i don't have the ability to keep up right now uh i saw d i got a dm on twitter yesterday okay it was like come get your boy and i was like oh no oh no wait yeah who you me yes and it was this girl

who tweeted like no it wasn't your prince or lack thereof it was this girl who tweeted like, no, it wasn't your print or lack thereof. It was a girl that tweeted finally worked up the courage to DM my barstool crush and I think we're going to meet up. And it was Kyle. Yes, okay. And hold on, I think I have the screenshot

of it. No, no. It was the most out of context thing. How was it out of context because you can't tell where the conversation began and like how like you can't i couldn't convey my sarcasm over dm and she did tweet the it's uh low-key really about to meet up with my favorite guy i shouldn't say this verbatim because they can look it up uh about to meet up with uh but you can paraphrase it yeah uh can't believe i'm going to meet up with my favorite barstool personality they the boys will find this this will be a reddit post and i'll get lamb lamb basted and it's quite obviously Kyle. Are you talking about the Phoenix boys? The Phoenix boys, they're going to eat this up.

They will devise. The easiest code they've ever solved. They're going to be wearing their anus melty shirt into the office and wink at each other and say, yeah, you saw KB, didn't you? You saw the tweet. I mean, this is something that you should not be ashamed of. This is something you should

hang your hat on when you get in front of people. I never want to be on the same page as you with anything. She scratched out your picture, but people immediately knew it was you. So I'm going to let the listeners guess when the dead giveaway is that it's Kyle. She starts the conversation with, this you, and it's a picture of a man that might kind of look like you it doesn't doesn't she just wanted it in and it worked it was a tinder picture of some guy who looked like kind of like me you responded said i wish he looks chill what yeah so some

some random girl dms me that and i I'm like, I'm going to respond. So this would have been my response. I would have said, yeah, that guy's not me, but that guy must get a ton of ass. You should have said that guy gets a ton of mess. Ass. He said ass. Oh, ass. What would a ton of mess be?

That's something. That's how he would describe sex. Oh, man. I just got so much fucking mess last night. Wait, be? That's something. That's how he would describe sex. Oh, man. I just got so much fucking mess last night. That sounds like Dave Slagg. Oh, yeah. You should have seen the residue on my fucking dick. Did you fuck?

Did you fuck her? You should have seen the fucking mucus caked on the fucking tip of my dick. And then you said, I wish he looks chill. I think that's a fine response. She responded, damn. Only matched with him hoping it was you. Yeah, so that's overtly flirtatious. I'm flattered. Insanely flirtatious.

And you're turning red looking at me right now. Kyle. No, I'm not. You are turning red looking at me. I'm just fucking buzzing off this grizzly wintergreen this is my first time doing it I'm dizzy who am I you should spit

I should spit give me a cup I haven't done this since like Obama won who am I who am I who am I what are you doing I'm asking who am I I'm not coming off of a seizure i'm not why are you turning so red i'm not red i'm always red you're not though why you turn so red for this

like this is nick mcdave stop or he's he is always red being a pest he should be doing right now okay kyle responded set your radius a little higher it was a joke i don't have any dating app so it was funny like i'm in new york city like yeah set it a little higher maybe you'll find the real me a little little give her a little something to claw at something to i i'm disgusted right now i'm disgusted what would you have done i love at this point you can't really tell it's kyle it's like it's being catty. It's being cunty. So it could be. I would have known it's him. She crossed out the name so you

couldn't find out what employee it was. She responded. Oh, God. Or maybe just take a visit to Chicago sometime. Okay. Whoa, wait, wait. Hold on. All right. Now. No, no. No, she's not your type. type i mean does she have a vagina

this is not this is just me responding because i i don't ignore like nick i do i ignore all dms yeah i respond i responded to a dm you ignored the first like 30 DMs I ever sent you. Yes, Dave. Yeah. Alright, so Kyle, you responded already on the calendar. Yeah, a little fun. Fun little response. Did she respond? No, because I said

She didn't respond. No, she didn't respond. She double tapped the message and liked it. No, no. And then you doubled down. You sent another message. You can't prove that. I said two at once and she double tapped the message and liked it. No, no. And then you doubled down. You sent another message. You can't prove that. I sent two at once. No, you didn't. And she double tapped the first one. No, you didn't.

No, I wouldn't. If there was no response, I never would have responded. Kyle, I mean, there's very, very clear empirical evidence that that's exactly what happened. And we're going to get you through this. So she scratched out the name so you couldn't tell who it was. But then your next response is, I'll be there either Labor Day or 9-11. Okay, so I thought that was a joke. Labor Day being a realistic time to make a weekend trip to Chicago.

Then I thought 9-11. Oh, that's obviously I'm not actually planning on going there. 9-11 is 9-11. Oh, that's obviously I'm not actually planning on going there. 9-11 is 9-11. But I guess 9-11 was the next Saturday. So that made perfect sense. So she thought I was actually trying to go there. So this tweet only has four likes. And one response.

What's the response? Gotta be KB. and one thank god one response what's the response gotta be kb see people knew i was fucking with her why why would you fuck with her though all right like this is what i proposed i proposed that obviously we hide it but you give her my number no and you know we i don't want to say prank phone call her but we get her on facetime or speakerphone right now for the podcast purposes like research purposes and uh well we see what she has to say like who's whose side soon no because i'm in the position where anything i say could be screenshot it and who knows who'll see it next time because i know exactly what

position you've been in because i've been there a million times. You haven't. I found a tweet that had four likes. No, like three people sent it to me. I don't know if they were searching Barstool, which is lame. So the three people who sent it to me were searching Barstool,

hoping to find themselves being talked about, and they found kb you know what i think you should do i think you should meet up with her go out take a picture together and send it in for it to be painted well you know a professional hand-painted portrait it would be affordable too that would that would hypothetically that would be that would be dope if i were would, that would hypothetically, that would be, that would be dope. If I were actually going to Chicago, if I was actually planning a trip there on nine 11 weekend,

yeah. Like if you're there and you're like, Hey, let's take a picture so I could send this thing off to a team of world-class artists. Where would there be a team of world-class artists gathered in the same place? They're all in different spots.

It would have to be on a user-friendly platform. I was going to say, is it a user-friendly platform? Quick and easy process. I mean, I guess this would make the perfect birthday gift or anniversary or wedding. I could combine photos into one painting if I take multiple. Well, Kyle, guess

what? Paint your life. Have you heard of it? I am fucked up on this winter rain shit. Sure, so I'll just take this. Paint your life, Kyle. You can do all of that. It's fucking awesome. You can go

and you get those professional portraits done and it'll shit back from real hard. Just fart to the mic. No, not into the mic. That's how loud it was. You put it in your ass. I didn't put it up to my ass. It was directed at my mouth. We're losing ads. It smells like fart.

That's my fart. Okay. At PaintYourLife.com, there's no risk. If you don't love the final painting, your money is refunded guaranteed. Right now, it's a limited time offer. You can get 20% off your painting kyle 20 and actually i'll sweeten the pot free shipping kyle's throwing up into the cup from the grizzly free shipping special offer you can text untold That is 64000. Kyle, say it in the mic.

That you could text untold to 64000. Paint your life. You can celebrate the moments that matter the most. Terms apply. Available at paintyourlife.com slash terms. All right. We're in our hotel room. My hotel room.

But we were going to start to record this in yours, Kyle. Why aren't we here? How's that dip? Are you good? Are you good? Boy. You want to call it? Boy, I think this was laced.

You think your dip was laced? Yes, it was. What was your dip laced with? No, because it had to have been laced. What was the dip laced with? With something hard. Like what? A hard drug. Dude, the the dude who gave to me was sketchy you don't you never know the dip yeah yeah you never know you always you always have to test the grizzly dip you get from a co-worker

yeah but that's that's the thing like you never know it's probably gonna be laced because that's what they're giving out these days lace dip yeah tip. Yeah, I've lost many a homie. They thought they were putting in a cope long cut dead. Just dead. Oh, deed. All right. Fuck. I'm ODing. We'll get you more in Detroit. So we'll get you some burners ginger ale. They'll tuck you into bed. Perfect.

All right. Perfect. Thank you guys for listening to episode 250. Dave. Thank you for listening to episode 250. Yeah, I guess. All right. Is that your reply to what I'm going to say? No, you're just going to say like, no, that's a new untold story.

Hey, is that story old or told? What? No, baby! That's a new untold story. A new untold story. A new untold story. It's a fresh big untold story. A new untold story.