A New Untold Story - A New Untold Story: Ep. 254 - If You Can Make It Here..

Episode Date: September 3, 2021

|| A New Untold Story: Ep. 254 - If You Can Make It Here.. || The boys discuss an epic prank, our trip to a Turkish bath house, EDM guys, zoo books, the Manhattan ecosystem, & one night stands with Jigsaw || Nick, KB, Owen, KenJac, & FeitsYou can find every episode of this show on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or YouTube. Prime Members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. For more, visit barstool.link/anuspodcast

Hey, a new untold story listeners, you can find every episode on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or YouTube. Prime members can listen to ad free on Amazon Music. Was that Desperate Housewives? Wait, that's a sitcom. Yes. Not even a sitcom, I don't think. Is it? Is it a sitcom or a drama? Yeah, yeah. Same thing.

No, it's not. Thank you. Desperate Housewives. The difference between a sitcom. Don't talk about the difference between a sitcom. I know it's a portmanteau for situational comedy. Right. And so you can't say a sitcom and a drama are the same thing.

Why? Crash. That was a. A movie? A drama and a comedy. Movies can't be sitcoms. There was a situation in which comedy happened. I don't think that qualifies it as a sitcom. Movies can't be sitcoms. There was a situation in which comedy happened. I don't think that qualifies it as a sitcom.

Movies can't be sitcoms. That's situational comedy is a term for a show. It's a show. Because the situation is ongoing. There's some drama comedies. That's a dramedy. Yeah. Okay.

Drama sitcom. You're getting wrapped up in the portmanteau aspect of this. Portmanteau. Is there a portmanteau for every mashup of genre? I feel like people try. Rom-com, sitcom. What's a horror? Sci-fi.

Sci-fi. Yeah, science fiction. What is a mashup with horror? Horror comedy. Yeah, but that's like a portmanteau. What is a horror comedy? That's just a sentence. You've portmanteau if you just combine the two words. That's just a sentence. You've never seen a...

Like Cabin in the Woods. A hormody? Or like... What do you call it? Happy Death Day. Something like that. Yeah, but they don't have the... Portmanteau.

Pressed together names, yeah. Yeah, it's just a sentence. Everybody wants to say portmanteau. I think we've all said that now. You know my favorite thing? When people ask me where I work, I say between La Pente Cotonienne and Prêt-à-Manger. Is that your reply to what I'm going to say?

No, you're just going to say, no, that's a new untold story. Hey, is that story old or told? What? No, baby! That's a new untold story. New untold story. A new untold story. It's a fresh, big untold story.

A new untold story. How do I hear beard? Yeah, I do. Your beard is loud. You have a loud beard. Yeah, wait. Your beard is rubbing up against your PlayStation pullover, which should never be a thing,

because if you have a PlayStation pullover, you shouldn't have a beard. You should be a boy. This is a cool-ass pullover. I can sense the greenness. Is that a PlayStation pullover? Yeah. Yes. Yeah, what's wrong with that?

It's just that you're just rubbing. You're just rubbing. I unzipped it. Your beard is rubbing against your PlayStation pullover. And it's annoying everyone. Hey, man. I know you don't know anybody here and you're trying to make friends, but your beard's rubbing against your PlayStation pullover.

It's you have to choose one or the other. Either have a beard or be a boy. Oh, God. Quit that. Quit that now. Welcome back to a new untold story. What episode is this, Owen? 254.

Is it for real? Oh, fuck. Why don't you get in here start oh he's walking out invisible stuff his ass looks bad work it does it does he's been working out um welcome back we're here with owen ken jack myself and kyle um kyle has it been bothering you that like the videos we've been doing it's's been Nick and KB. It started off, I got hired and it was KB and Nick. But now you see it and it's Nick and KB. Where?

Where? Everywhere. Where is that even being set? Everywhere. Like the main account? Main account, blog, videos. It's been Nick and KB. Well, yeah.

Well, it's not alphabetical. People don't, it just sounds better. People think the first letter in your name is ampersand now. Actually, someone recognized me in New York once, and they just said KB, or Nick and KB. It's called NKB. Yo, NKB! Yeah.

No, it's just... NKB. Please. Please, my father was NKB. Yo, NKB! Yeah. No, he's just... NKB. Please. Please, my father was NKB. Call me Ant. Neil Kyle Bauer. Neil Kyle... That's what I said after a few drinks.

Neil Kyle Bauer. Neil... To suck a dick. Come on, Kyle Bauer. Neil for me, baby. No. Get on your knees. Your middle name's Gregory.

That's equivalent to being Patrick. Is that true? Yeah, I posted that once. I posted my medical documents after I overdosed on fake weed. And the people, I got roasted for having the middle name Gregory.

You're just not a Gregory middle name guy. Nobody is. Gregory is a first name. Gregory in all caps, exclamation, question mark. Gregory head ass. They didn't even acknowledge my initials are KGB. Gregory head ass. Gregory is not a good middle name.

No. Why? It's just not. It's a first name. Or a last name, Stephen Gregory. Yeah. It works better that way, not a good middle name. No. Why? It's just not. It's a first name. Or a last name, Stephen Gregory. Yeah. It works better that way, not in the middle. Yeah, it might be the worst middle name.

It's just too... It doesn't fit there. It's like putting bread in the middle of a bread sandwich. Are the most common middle names Joseph and Mary? Or Marie? I feel like there's a lot of Elizabeths. There's a lot of Lynns. There's a lot of Lynn's. Is that a middle name

or just part of the actual first name? I know people name it Jamie Lynn XYZ last name. I don't know, Kyle. You have a pretty uncommon name. Middle name Gregory, first name and Kyle. It's also just unappetizing to say out loud. Kyle Gregory Bauer.

It's Nick and KB. Just KB. to say out loud. Kyle Gregory Bauer. Yo. It's Nick and KB. Just KB. Kyle Gregory, you better get in the house this instant. I have a friend visiting me this week and he's flying in from LA, my boy Neek. And he got me

so good. What do you mean? He texted me a week before, a week ago, and he was like, so two weeks ago. Yeah. Yeah.

A week before a week ago. No week before this week. Oh, okay. And he said, yo, have you ever seen the nine 93 sitcom, not sitcom,

93 comedy movie, monkey trouble. It was like, I think it was straight to VHS. Who's the guy that plays like the wolf in uh in pulp fiction the wolf um oh my god uh harvey kytel harvey kytel harvey kytel's in it and like the shooter mcgavin's in it yeah christopher mcdonald i know his name but not fucking and it was like uh he texted me he's like dude like i just put it on as a joke because it was on

hbo plus and it's the craziest fucking movie and like like my rapper buddy put me on to it and it's like you just gotta watch it and it seems like a family movie like really g-rated boring but wait until the monkey eats the chicken i was like i was like what he's like i can't see anymore and then he was just pestering me about it's like have you seen monkey trouble did you watch monkey trouble like i'm not coming unless you watch monkey trouble well first off my rapper friend put me on he goes a pretty cool sentence i know but if you say that i'm gonna believe it yeah yeah and i was just like oh fuck he's like yeah it's like a cult following like in like the rap community like they like drink they sip lean they smoke and they like pop on monkey trouble and there's like and they wait for wait for the fucking chicken scene.

Wait for the monkey to eat the chicken. And then I sent him a screenshot of like the movie poster. And I was like, this is it. It looks like a kid's movie. He's like, yeah, it's pretty unassuming, huh? And so I don't have HBO plus. So I pay like three ninety nine to rent it in HD. I don't think anyone has HBO plus HBO.

What is it called? Max. Fuck you. Yeah. Fuck it. Owned. Yeah. You own me. What is it called? Max. Fuck you. Yeah. Fucking owned. Yeah. You own me.

And so I'm watching it. Very predictable, horribly acted, G rated movie about a girl who saved the monkey is a pickpocket for Harvey Keitel. And it's like just pickpocketing. It's a criminal. And then Harvey Keitel gets contacted by the mob and they hire him and his monkey to do robberies. But the monkey runs away to stay with this girl, this little girl. She's always wanted a pet.

She loves the monkey. She un-teaches it to pickpocket. Which is dumb. How does that work? She's going to the park with it. She un-teach? She un-taught. No, she taught the monkey to stop pickpocketing. No, because the monkey was taught to pickpocket. She untaught

the pickpocket. You can't untaught. I don't think you could unteach. That's like deleting the monkey's memories, which I don't think it did. She untaught it. That's not the point of the story. So I'm watching this. It's like her unteaching the monkey. It's like a montage of unteaching. I can't

move on because she keeps saying unteach. She was like swinging with the monkey. She's like a montage of like teaching the monkey not to. I can't move on. She was like swinging with a monkey. Don't say like she was like playing with them. She was like, you know, on the playground, it was on the monkey bars, which was apt. And then I saw it. The monkey was in the fridge and eating a piece of chicken. I was like, oh, fuck. Here it comes. I'm like rubbing my palms together. Stick or chicken like rotisserie

or something. It was just eating chicken, even fried chicken. I'm like, oh, fuck. Things are about to get crazy. Like this is where it gets crazy. it was like a little over halfway in the movie and then i'm watching and i'm watching and then i put it off watching the movie and so i hear a knock on my door and it's neek who came in from la and he's like what are you doing he's like oh fuck you actually watch monkey trouble and we're like yeah it's almost over like i was like what's the twist he was like yeah i was just fucking with you and i was just like you just made me watch monkey trouble and so And so he pranked you

into watching the entirety of the Monkey Trouble. And it was awesome because he waited for a scene that's like three-fourths of the way through. So you watch it and you're like, okay, now it's about to get crazy. And then the movie just ends. And so it's just like, yeah, I guess I just watched Monkey Trouble.

I mean, he got you. A two-hour long prank. Did he get royalties off of this? I don't know, but it's like the best... I'm going to start monkey troubling,. I mean, he got you. A two-hour-long prank. Did he get royalties off of this? I don't know, but it's like the best... I'm going to start monkey troubling people. No, you're not. Because no, I wouldn't just sit through a movie that I don't like. No. I would just Google what happened.

I trusted him. He built a lifetime of good recommendations, and then he monkey troubled me. I don't think I've ever followed a recommendation. Really? It's always like, yeah, yeah. It's like it was the perfect combination because it was like inconspicuous chicken eating scene i was like how does this what's the curveball what's the switch and even the name of the movie like i knew the monkey part but where does the trouble come in so you were waiting for

something it's called monkey trouble there was no he was a literal criminal yeah it looks like he was also because i'm looking at a picture of the monkey in the in the picture he has like you know when you're the guy opens up his vest and he has like all the stolen watches yeah but this implies that the monkey also sold the stolen jewelry yeah he fenced it so he was not only was he like a genius thief but he also could communicate with human beings and like assess value to objects no no it stole everything oh literally just stole everything no discrimination it just took oh okay but then she untaught it oh she untaught it value to objects? No, no. It stole everything. Oh, literally it stole everything. No discrimination. It just took. Oh, okay.

But then she untaught it. Oh, she untaught it. She untaught that. But that was what I did this weekend. And then you meet Owen and KB and myself. We went to the bathhouse. Incredible. To a Russian bathhouse. Turkish bathhouse.

It's a Turkish and Chinese bathhouse. I walked past the sign today. Okay. I did not notice the Chinese part. I'm Turkish and Chinese. I didn't notice if there was anything. What's like the Dan 9 version of that mashup? Turkish and Chinese.

I'm Turkish, so I get my kebab. I have my kebab at a smelting accident. I'm Turkish and Chinese, so I have a lot of body hair as I'm getting sucked into an escalator. On LiveLeak.com. Yes, exactly. Yes. Perfect. Yeah, my body hair is what sucked me into this escalator.

But yeah, that was interesting. I don't know what was Chinese about it. Yeah, so Turkish bathhouse makes sense. I've never heard of a Chinese bathhouse. What's the draw here? What was the Chinese aspect? I don't think it was Chinese.

It says Turkish and Russian. No, it says Turkish and Chinese. There's a lot of Russians, frantic Russian women. So Kyle, unprompted, he looks at us and he's like, I'm really horny right now. Yeah. And we're just dudes in a bathhouse. And why? There's a girl who said

the R word casually in the sauna with us. Which one? Let's say that there's an airport that needs to be retard. Okay. That was the one she said. I mean, the word also means slow down. So I guess it's fair play.

No, she meant it as in he's intellectually inept. So that got me going. Then we went to the steam room and it was just like frantic Russian speaking Russian. Wait, can we do it? Like, you know how they used to tar and feather? Like, that's our loophole. Like, we have to wait for something to be tortured the feathers are fine but they're not sticking too well

retar him retar him yeah it's perfect that's the only loophole to say it he barely has any tar on him and the feathers keep falling off did you retar retire was he retarded yeah um yeah that's yeah

i feel fine saying it that way did you so is one of those bathhouses where they would smack you with like the leaves and shit like that there was a bucket of leaves but i was in only in the very very hot sauna okay um it was like 210 degrees yeah and i accidentally leaned against the wall and i just have a blister on my back. Gross, disgusting. But we were sitting there. Kyle was horny as fuck. And then you got unhorny really quick.

We unhornied you. Yeah. I had borscht. You had borscht. So he was very, very horny. He had a girl saying the R word and a frantic Russian woman. Yeah. It's like when you get skunked and you have to take a bath in like tomatoes juice or sauce yeah it's like when you're overly horny you just eat borscht

come out of you quite like beet soup no but then you reversed reverse horny is gay okay you you horseshoe theory you were super super horny you borscht you borscht you borscht yeah you have enough borscht and you're yeah and that's what you were but then um we were sitting in an infrared sauna which joe rogan recommends he recommends a lot of things weird things isn't he dying right now yeah he's like on his death wait joe rogan is yeah that's covet oh really yeah y'all fucked up i didn't know that. And he's 92. That's what it is. Yeah, Joe Rogan died. Oh my god. Old age.

And we were sitting in the sauna and I was just like I want to do things in here. I want to play cards or something. Saunas are just rooms. And then I thought of an MTV game show, kind of like Silent Library. And it's called Secret Sauna. Secret Sauna. In like a gong place no kind of but it's uh you try to get people in a room

and they don't know it's a sauna and it just keeps getting hotter and hotter and hotter and just like whoever like lasts yeah what did you say like before addressing it or like no the uh room full of people taking the LSAT. Yeah, and they're just like, oh my God, I'm really stressing this. But it's just actually they're in a sauna. So the first person to out loud say, is it hot in here? They're out. Is this a sauna?

Is this a secret sauna? Wait, is this place actually a sauna? Is this the pilot of a new show on MTV called Secret Sauna? This has to be the pilot of an unknown show. Because there's no way any room would be this hot unless it was a sauna. Secret sauna. Oh, I'm sorry. You lost secret sauna.

You couldn't take the heat. That could be a good name for a Russian sauna. Call it like the Vabich sauna. So it's the sauna of a bitch. Sauna of a bitch. That's very clever. An anti, like a sexual harassment seminar at a company. You get to the

rape part. We crank up the heat at the rape part of the seminar. James, why are you... What's the condition called? Let's keep the cardigans on for this seminar, please. Hyperhidrosis, I think. Hyperhidrosis. I have it.

What is that? It's when you just sweat excessively. Yeah, I don't think you have it. I don't. I once hooked up with a girl who had hyperhidrosis. It wasn't good. I did as well. No, it was everything but, basically. So, on hydrosis is the inability to sweat.

So, for Secret Sauna, you hire actors, and none of them are sweating. And then, yeah, it's like a sexual harassment seminar, and you're the only one sweating and everybody else is like putting on like layers it's like oh they're actually yeah dressing themselves getting colder well it's not necessarily just a sweat for and when you're in a sauna right it's the ambient moisture that gets clinging to you so i think they would still get wet is the problem nah secret sauna is different you know it is it works totally different the infrared's a dry heat it's a dry dry heat and like we'll have the people that aren't sweating in cuts clothing okay perfect because when i sweat a

lot like you're in luck my friend whenever i'm like getting really sweaty i've sweat so much that i've broken my shirt. It's true. I got a notification for water damage on my shirt. Sorry, man. But Cuts clothing, water won't break it. It's the best. Five years ago, Cuts founder Steve Borelli set out to create clothes for every occasion. The modern man faces.

Since then, Cuts has become the Tesla of t-shirts, hoodies, polos, sweatshirts, and more. It really is the Tesla of t-shirts hoodies polos sweatshirts and more uh it really is the tesla of t-shirts isn't it i've always said i can't stress that enough but it can't get grimy it just doesn't get dirty and that's the magic of cuts you can wear it every single day it's premium each piece is crafted with custom engineered fabric a comfortable fit it's honestly like the tesla of clothing that's a good point, Owen. You've made a really good point there. And I was just about to compare it to Tesla. Okay. I put on the t-shirt and I'm just like, wow, this t-shirt almost wears itself. It's the

Tesla of shirts. Teslas drive themselves. These shirts wear themselves. David Dobrik bought his friend a what shirt? David Dobrik bought his group of already very rich friends what? A Cuts t-shirt. A Cuts t-shirt?

That's right. The Cuts t-shirt wears itself. It is in my closet right now, and I'm still wearing it. That's the magic of Cuts. And you guys can hop on board by going to cutsclothing.com slash anus to get 25% off sitewide during their anniversary sale. It's their fifth anniversary. So take advantage of this opportunity. It's 25% off cutsclothing.com sitewide.

Cutsclothing.com slash A-N-U-S. Shout out, David Dobrik, though. Why? Slayed Goliath. What was Goliath? Sexual harassment charges. Oh, wow. Yeah, he did. I hate that? Sexual harassment charges. Oh, wow. Yeah, he did. I hate that tongue smile

he does. Yeah. You're rich. Don't do that. Rich people don't smile. So, yeah. So, back to the bath house. We go up and we go up. There's like an Olympic-sized pool, but it's the whole thing's three feet deep. So, it's just like it's very strange.

That was at least five feet. So, it's like an it's very strange. Okay. That was at least five. So it's like an Olympic length. Oh, it was three. No, it was three. It was three feet. It was five. You got a bunch of water in your nose too. No, I didn't.

Just standing. No, I didn't. Kyle had to hold his breath in the three foot pool. There was no, there's no ladder in here. Yeah, Kyle, you step out. Couldn't do it. But we were just in this, it was a very serene environment. We're the only people in the sauna.

Yeah. Pool. The lights were low. The sound of water rushing. We are all had the softest fucking skin from the steam room. And then like we're just like enjoying the moment. And Kyle, what did you say? Imagine seeing Zed here.

Yeah. Imagine seeing Armin van Buuren here. I don't know. What is that? Like performing or just there? Yeah. Like he wanted. Yeah. We were in this serene place. And I don't know. Zed here. Imagine seeing Armin Van Buren here. What is that? Performing? Yeah. We were in the same place. I don't know. This would be the best place to see

Galantis do a day set. Cascade, close it out. Why can't you just enjoy something? Everywhere we've been going, you just want it to be something else. Okay. We could go to the Grand Canyon. Just be awestruck by the size.

You'd want to see Diplo there. No. I would say, yeah. Major laser. So, okay. I'm going to say a serene place. We all will. And you have to say the DJ.

The DJ said that would improve the place. Is that fine? Northern Lights in Alaska. Kygo. Imagine being at the moment when Terry Shriver had the plug pulled if fucking Calvin Harris was there. They unplugged her

and plugged in his DJ set. Kyle, you're like a huge EDM guy. What do you do when a girl asks for a playlist? You just lie to her? What do you mean? Girls don't want an EDM playlist. Yeah, they do. No, they don't.

No. I don't think so. Not past junior year of high school. So, yeah, they do. Yeah. No, you need to... Do you just lie? You lie to them, then. No, I don't.

Ken Jack, you're bearding again. It's unzipped. It's so unzipped, it's crazy. You're bearding. It's unzipped. It's so unzipped, it's crazy. You're bearding. A beard should never combine with a PlayStation pullover. Look, man, my beard wears a PlayStation pullover all the time. You know, she's at home right now.

Your beard, yeah. I'm trying to think of another adult boy combo that should never be together. I speared beer all over my Tinker toys. Oh, fuck. My tinker toys are all wet with beer. I missed my proctology checkup because of the Scholastic Book Fair. Using your Zoo Books magazine as a cum rag. Get the one with the

sea lion. I don't care. Did you clean up with my blankie? Opening up my Nintendo Power magazine. Tearing the pages apart. Wait, didn't you have a story about cumming in a zoo book? I did. What was it? Did you coming in a zoo book? I did. Oh, what was it?

Did you come in a zoo book? No, it was my classmate. Was it Carter Huffman? It was Carter Huffman. Which zoo book did he come in? And it was this big mystery. It was like a Hardy Boys mystery, except for you. Oh, it was definitely a Hardy Boy.

Hardy Boy. Yeah, Hardy Boy. What was the issue of the zoo book? Let me pull that blog up. Yeah, because this was a true story. It was at St. Vincent's School. Somebody came in a zoo book in our library. Mrs. Chiazza.

Was it at least a sexy animal that they come down? I don't think so. I think it was even on the maze section. Like a plant or something? I mean, that would be the most unfortunate part, actually. Pull that up, because I was like... It was the curious case of the boy who cummed. The curious case of the boy who cummed. Cummed. The curious case of the boy who cummed on the sea otter.

Oh! Was it true? You can't un-teach that. In seventh grade, during the peak of my interest in marine animals, I checked out a zoo books magazine from our school's library, the one with the sea otter on the cover. school's library, the one with the sea otter on the cover. That evening, while I was perusing it in my bedroom after supper, I noticed that two of the pages were mysteriously stuck together, temporarily preventing me from finishing an alluring article on the dietary habits of the North Pacific weasel family. Upon further review and examination, based on texture, hue, and odor, I came to the bone-chilling conclusion that the culprit of the stickiness

was a substance that could have only been human semen. Relatively fresh human semen from a male penis. Interesting. I love that this is very well-written, but it's about a boy coming. It's very, very well-written, but I bet you this was posted right after

a smoke show was posted. So all the comments were just like, Missy needs to dump him out. Hey, Missy, if you're on here, what color thong are you wearing? Ew. The boys love when Trent makes them horny. They love

when Tommy smokes, gets their dick hard. Honestly, Tommy has gotten so many work boners out. Yeah. It's like Santa Claus of horny men. I'd argue that Tommy Tommy Smokes

has gotten more adult men hard than the average woman. So Tommy Smokes is the guy who posts the Barstool Smoke Show blogs, Instagram posts, everywhere, Facebook. So he has caused

more men to come. Or at least I feel like he started the domino flip. You know what I mean? Because they might not come at work, but they go home because they're horny and then they jerk off. They come at work. Also that too. But I think in addition to the people who immediately come after after tommy smokes clog he starts the domino effect

do you know how like when you're beating off to porn and then you finish the realization you see your face in the reflection of the porn website imagine you're seeing your face in the reflection of like the barstool website yeah it was just the video audio plays it's like you're watching the the gif of kate upton doing the cat daddy oh that was a great gift though the next recommended videos abigail daily nine you're just cleaning up and you hear hey welcome back welcome back i get post not charity after i after i send way too much money to a Hot Girls GoFundMe page. Post-Nut Charity. I just said $50 with my Twitter handle,

but I can't afford that. I'm just looking at that $50. I have a question about the magazine, the Cumden magazine. Did the colors run? Because that's something I've noticed when you come into a magazine. I've never came... Nobody's came something i've noticed when you come into a magazine i've never came nobody's came into a magazine i've come into a magazine multiple times and like when you do it and then another glossy type of paper it the cum like

is like paint you're the type of dude to come into a yearbook you are the type of dude no my yearbook has never been touched there is no attractive people in my high school not one not not a one including myself there But when you come in like that glossy paper, it strips the paint off of the paper and leaves just a big white stain. That's why everything should be laminated. I think that should be they should redo National Treasure, but Nick

Cage wants to laminate the Declaration of Independence. I'm going to laminate the Declaration of Independence. Everything laminated. What the fuck? Why? Everything should be laminated. Everything is way more official laminated. And you can like switch it around. It just feels nicer.

All I wanted for my birthday in seventh grade was a laminating machine. And I got like the nicest one. And the first thing I laminated was a fruit roll up and broke it. Just broke it. My mom was so pissed. It smelled like it was burning and it just like melted in there.

But like I just thought it would be hilarious to have a laminated fruit roll-up. It would. That is mad. But now there's cold laminators. And so I think I could do it. There's cold laminators? Mm-hmm. Okay.

Things that you do with like nice documents, like the Declaration of Independence. When you guys were getting close to a drinking age, how did you get your fake IDs? Never had one. Never had one, KB? No, never had one. You never had one either? I did, but it wasn't fake. It was a real man.

It was just not you. It was somebody that kind of looked like you? Yeah. But it said 5'7", so had to like cosplay as a short dude how'd you do that i had to go to the bar barefoot i was unfortunately the person that had to that had organized the id getting and i had to have western union thirteen hundred dollars to yeah i think kiev will blast in the ukraine and western western union them 35 or 1300 and they sent me back a stack of fake ids in a to the Kiev blast in the Ukraine. And Western Union them $1,300,

and they sent me back a stack of fake IDs in a shoebox. How many fake IDs? It was probably like 20 or something like that. All you? No, no, no. It was for the crew, so to speak. And I'm still not entirely sure. We could have Western Unioned that money

and just never gotten it back, and I would have expected it. I looked young when I was 21. I couldn't grow a beard, and I used my id real id to get into a bar and the bouncer was just like i bet you don't even have pubes and i was just like i don't aggressive you know why lawnmower oh the lawnmower 4.0 right guys i'm not let's not beat around the bush get 20 off right now you're amazing manscape.com the bush code anus it's the best you're going to get the 4.0 they got it all the ball revitalizer that revitalizes your balls uh it's i can't explain the sensation but my tactic is um much like a

than sensation. But my tactic is much like Adderall XR, a timed release. I spray the ball reviver. The toner or the reviver? I spray the toner up my pee hole and let it drizzle out onto my balls throughout the day.

It releases. It's like that hamster drip thing, you know? Yes. That they drink water at. It's butt. That's how I like getting head. I keep my girl in a cage and I'm like, just know? Yes. That they drink water at. That's how I like getting head. I keep my girl in a cage and I'm like, just hangs it in. Can we hamster play tonight? I just want you to run

in this wheel really quick. Oh, he's going to be so pretty. What is that? What's that mouth I just heard? It was probably Ken Jack's face making noise again. Anyways, Manscaped 4.0. Package includes the brand new LimeArt 4.0

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For a clean Trinity and beyond, your space balls will thank you. I skipped over so much that I don't know how that last line makes any sense whatsoever. Your space balls. Like the movie. Like the movie Space Balls? Yeah, you figure. Base balls. Basketballs. Your space balls will thank. Okay, I'm trying to think of the... I closed the movie. Like the movie Spaceballs? Yeah, you figure. Baseballs. Basketballs. Your Spaceballs will thank...

Okay, I'm trying to think of the... I closed the ad. I'm trying to think of the copy that... A trinity that's out of this world. Your Spaceballs will thank you. A trinity. What does that mean? Three things.

I don't know. What were they going for? Uranus? Your dick. Your both balls. Your dick and both balls. The don't know. What were they going for? Uranus? Your dick? Your both balls? Your dick and both balls. The Holy Trinity. Because they're urethra.

I don't know. I'm trying to think. What's the strangest thing you've come into? Jesus Christ. Nice ad. Thanks. Living in New York, I mean, i've been here for two years now weird weird i'm not still not used to uh i never get it like my mom was like you made it new york you were good enough to make it in new york it's like ah you made it outside of new york

that is sure but like when you're here you're're just seeing the people. There's ultra, ultra rich, but then insane homeless, schizophrenic people. Very binary. They made it. Less than $0. Yeah, you either have to make $1 billion or zero. Yeah. Not $60,000, not $30,000, not a dollar. You make zero.

And that's the two types of people that make it in New York. Equally happy humans, by the way. Yeah, you either want to star in Hamilton or jack off in Dunkin' Donuts with no repercussions. That's the two. That's one of the two. That's when your aspirations are for the Big Apple. There's like a kid in high school and he's on the stage and he's the best actor. He's the biggest thespian at your school.

He's like, that kid's going to make it in New York. Yeah. And there's also the kid in the hallway that's like eating the paint chips and screaming. Running down the hallways. Yeah. Like, that kid's going to make it in New York.

You're either, you're an investment banker or a subway wanker. Oh. Yes. You're either a Jake Gyllenhaal or you take pill and haul. Oh,

that's good. That was good. You have salvia outbursts in the hallway and nodding off in in the janitor's office or your, you got a perfect score on the ACT. Like what? Oh, you can make it in New York.

That guy just beat off in front of everyone. He can make it in New York. Yeah. He could do it to people. If you want to be able to do whatever you want in New York City, you either have to make zero dollars or a billion. Yeah, exactly. No in between. None.

No in between whatsoever. There's the parallels, too, of the ultra rich can put their penis on people or finger a pussy without any repercussion. Beat up a homeless man, too. It's the same exact... And they can. They probably have more fun

than anybody. All the ultra-rich will be like, yeah, I don't shower. There's such a fine line between ultra-rich and zero dollars. Every day is the purge for them. Yes. They can shit on the stairwell to

the Museum of Modern Art and watch bisexual rich kids step in it and then laugh at them and harass them and show them their dick. Then they can just, yeah. Which is the ideal dad. You can just scream slurs. You can walk into 7-Eleven,

take whatever you want, walk out, flaunt it. I just want, I call the Pakistani cashier like a... Yeah, we get it. A slur. a yeah we get it yeah just like a i want to see like that crazy band just like younger but in like billings and just like this guy needs to be in new york city this guy belongs in the big apple he needs to go shit on the streets that's like a fantasy like oh i can jack off in public show hot hot rich girls my dick and it's like they're they're on autopilot and they don't regard you yeah that's what it is yeah no repercussion it's like you like freeze everyone's mind and go around and do whatever you want and no cops

gonna arrest you they're just like he's a crazy homeless guy they don't care trying to trying to find out if they're crazy rich or zero dollar homeless just like so you do IBM oh you work at IBM he's like not he just drops trowel shits on the ground IBM yeah I'm gonna shit right here you're either a hedge if you want to run New York you're either a hedge fund manager

or yeah you or you bury your nickels that you find in a bush that's your hedge fund I manage a hedge fund over I'm over there, right next to my shit. You either go to Carbone every day or you're fucking a taxi. Literally.

You call that guy's boning and he's having sex with a tailpipe. There's no in between. Fucking exhausted. There's no more regular, nobody has more regular BMs than the homeless. They're four times a day

great fiber intake yeah good s-shaped turds they snake out of there man he could make it in new york as the smallest of compliments and you could like they're like you can make it here you can make it anywhere no i'd get arrested if i should have anywhere else anywhere else i got did i tell you about the time i got poor-shamed by a literal homeless man? No. I remember this one. Two summers ago.

First off, I lived next to our office, which is probably the worst stretch of New York. Yeah, and the worst homeless. My day-to-day life was just getting harassed by homeless people. They would call me the F-word all the time. Weren't you embarrassed about throwing away some of your

clothes that you'd get clowned? Yes, because every day people would dig through our apartment complex's trash. And I was like, oh, fuck. I don't want them to see what they'll dig through my bag. This guy is poor and

gross. This guy is poor and gross. This guy is poor and gross. Dietary habits. It's disgusting. This guy's fit is not brazy in the slightest bit. I think I'll just leave this in the trash. No, I was walking to 7-Eleven and the homeless guy was just like, let me hold a dollar, pimp. And I was like, sorry, man, I got nothing.

And he was like, get your money up, slick. I was like, what? Then I realized, then I got like one taquito for dinner. And I realized he probably has more disposable income than me. Definitely. A one taquito dinner is sad. And he was significantly happier than you. Did you suck out the meat and save the tortilla? I put it in like the hot dog container and just drenched it in chili and cheese.

Ate it with a fork. You know how much happier that man was than you in that moment? A lot. You can make it here. You can make it anywhere, kid. Just got to stop beating off. But then if you make anything under three figures, you have to

share a bedroom with your kitchen. Yeah. Roll out of bed and hit your head on the fridge. That sucks. I could cook in my kitchen. Wait, what do you think three figures is? Yeah, you mean six.

Yeah, I was thinking of three. That's another way to say it. 300 bucks a month. Three figures. Reese Witherspoon or Reese Witherspoon, but the spoon having heroin say it. 300 bucks a month. Three figures. Oh, Reese Witherspoon or Reese Witherspoon, but the spoon having heroin in it. Reese's with,

yeah. The only two things they have are Reese's cups and with a spoon of heroin. Yes, exactly. For the protein. That's the suck for people

that don't know how to do heroin and like, you just know you need a spoon for it and they're just like drinking it out of the spoon. Yeah. Damn, this shit's so hot. I don't know how these guys do it the best part about living in new york though is drinking without uh you i don't have a car you can't there's no drinking and driving you uber and we don't like drinking and driving on

the show do we disavow disavow disavow oh yeah fuck it fuck it no not like fuck it isn't do it like like especially especially this weekend it's labor day weekend the u.s department of transportation national highway uh traffic safety the nhtsa is working together on a new law enforcement community decrease impaired driving they're working tirelessly to spread the word about the dangers of drunk driving to remind all drivers if you plan to drink alcohol plan ahead for a sober driver get an uber get in the lift get a cat taxi an unfucked taxi ask a homeless person to piggyback ride you anything these expanded efforts protect against impaired driving will be conducted in a fair and equitable way there's all kinds of statistics you can look at they're all very sad about drunk driving and it happens too often for more information about the drive server get pulled over campaign visit www.traffic safety marketing

dot gov slash get hyphen materials slash drunk hyphen driving slash national hyphen mobilization slash peak hyphen enforcement hyphen kit again that's www.traffic safety marketing dot gov slash get hyphen materials slash drunk hyphen driving slash national hyphen mobilization slash peak hyphen enforcement hyphen kit easy enough Kyle do an impression of a

homeless is there any like homeless so any fictional crazy person that you could think could make it in New York? Someone who's well-traveled, been all across the globe, culturally competent. But crazy. Maybe a star, a television star. Can adapt to an environment.

Can adapt to any environment. Walking down the street and seeing a homeless man. He's just just a boy is he wearing a loincloth if i excuse me boy do you need any money need anything need anything at all i think he's sleeping hey boy kyle you oh you he was queuing you up oh you were queuing me up obviously i don't want to be the sound guy either shop at burberry or look like a Thornberry. Oh, there it is. You either own an LLC or you are an LLC. LLC being? Low life creature.

What's another homeless person's disease? John. When did he get here? Why does he look so good? He looks great. Yeah. Why does he look so good? It's the white against the skin. Fights. What's up?

You look amazing. We all stopped and said he looks great. What are we doing right now? We were just recording a podcast. We ran out of things to talk about. You're saying... Oh yeah, you're on. Very nice.

You're all saying that you look very submissive and breedable today. I'm kind of horny. I love how my outfit is just a way less brave version of yours. I found this tiny little hole. You know what?

I'm going to see my penis. That one happened this morning getting dressed. Wait, did it? Luckily, I'm wearing really tight underpants. So I'm like, but otherwise, you guys, there'd be nuts. Literally hanging out. Yeah.

That's actually the one. You can see a ball, a nut and a butthole. It's like a perfectly placed hole. It's like a window into your hole. Literally. I like that you call jerking off getting dressed. That's an interesting way to put it. That is good.

That is very nice. Alright guys, I had a lot of fun. We'll have a big featuring. Dude, I wasn't around this weekend but I want to go to that very badly. It's the best in the world. They have the best soup. They have the best soup I've ever had. I might not know what a bathhouse is. Explain to me. It's the best in the world. They have the best soup. Excuse me? They have the best soup I've ever had. I might not know what a bathhouse is.

Explain to me. It's a bunch of naked, well, not naked, trunked up Russian men. Can you go naked? Because I'm going. I'm going naked. No, you can't go naked. There's people sneaky naked. They were sneaky naked, but it's co-ed.

Oh. It's best. We were there for three and a half hours. And they serve soup in this bathhouse. It's the best soup I've ever had. Like, all right, now've ever had they got beers I'm going to have to learn more about this soup real quick it's the best soup I've ever had you eat this in the bathhouse?

in towel? yes no but not in the sauna there's a little restaurant section everybody's just wet and sweaty and then everybody gets soup shut the fuck up. You had borscht.

And you had... Borscht was a bad idea. I had the chicken and dumpling. What's borscht? Beet soup. I guess it is. You still shitting red? I told you you'd shit red. I've been shitting red.

It's like an extremely Russian... Beet soup, cabbage, and a dollop of sour cream. You put a lot of sour cream on yours. What? Yeah. That is horrible. It's disgusting. It's disgusting.

So you're not clothed eating this soup? You have trunks on. Right, you're right. But you're not putting a shirt on. No, no, no. You're going from saunas, super hot saunas, to steam rooms, to cold tubs. So you're dripping all types of fluids. And then you're slurping soup.

And how long does this whole process take? We're there for four hours. It's unlimited time. Four hours? This is amazing. That was so incredible. I want to go to this so bad. I felt like a boy when I got home. I've gone the past two weeks. I want to go weekly.

And what are the benefits of it? What do they at least say? Don't know. It's just fun. Don't know. I'm just hoping to see some sweaty-ass cheeks, dude. Russians do it all the time, and they're generally pretty cool. Yeah.

Yeah, I know Russians do it all the time. I've seen... So PFT had a whoop band, a whoop band. Which one? Is it whoop or whoop? Whoop. They're worth $3 billion now. Are they actually?

Yeah. I follow them and they retweeted the other day. It's like a $3.2 billion company now. Jesus Christ. They can't send me one. He put it on for the sauna and it was his heart rate and his calories out was his equivalent of him running. Wow.

Really? That's crazy. We were in one of the rooms that was 220 degrees. That's like an Epcot. What? Yeah. Epcot, that's for- You know what I'm talking about.

No, it's for children. Yeah, no, please. Epcot's where I took a date. I took a Valentine's Day date. We were talking about if it would be weird to take a date to a bathhouse. Would it? Would it be a weird date? Yeah date to a bathhouse would it would

it be a weird date yeah uh i'm like i know a lot of weird dates but what do you do oh i i was always a um i i i would do the first my biggest my biggest line ever was i told the girl what's what's the worst date you could have imagined and she said going to a museum and i was like would you come to a museum with me next week and she's like like, what are you talking about? And I said, if I can make that fun, then it's going to be... John Feidelberg. John Feidelberg. You wanted a challenge. He had a blast at the Met.

I showed up with two fucking water bottles filled with wine. We walked around, just fucking got drunk in the Met and had fun. Interesting. Yeah, pretty wild one. Wait, so you did wink when you said had fun. You destroyed her pussy. First of all, I didn't wink when you said had fun. You destroyed her pussy. First of all, I didn't wink. We just had a weird eye connection for a second.

It was a destroying pussy gaze. If I ever winked, I'd tell you to shoot me in the fucking mouth. You've never winked? Well, winked in this context. When was the last time you winked? I tried to make winking a thing my junior year of high school. That was the last time you winked? I tried to make winking a thing my junior year of high school. That was my last time. With like a genuine...

You tried to make it a thing? Just didn't work out. People are like, what are you doing? What is that? I've never seen a wink before. It didn't work out. It's like when I was in college, I tried to make Manhattan's a thing. I was at Florida State. Oh, you're a douchebag. That was a terrible time. You're the worst person ever. I was at Florida State. Oh, you're a douchebag. That was a terrible time.

You're the worst person ever. I'd rather you be racist. Yeah. I gotta get out. Yeah. Dude, have a 12 cent beer. Go to a college bar. Fuck you.

We do vodka sodas and we do Bud Lights. That was the same shit though. Girls got back from abroad like junior year and we're ordering amaretto sours spritzes at bars called like jack o'doyle's and they would just they would scoff at ice cream yeah like you haven't had gelato gelato fuck you what was that one date i remember you talked about it on uh friday night pints that the person had submitted where the dog died during it. Oh my God. You guys hear about this? This is the worst date in the history of the world.

This is a first date. I'm going to tell the story real quick and then I got to run. This is a first date. They met on Tinder, whatever. And the girl brings her. She's like, I got to go for a walk with my dog in the canyons. It's in LA or whatever. What was that jumble of noise you just noise yeah right now that wasn't a sentence

i gotta bring my dog they go for a walk they're in la or whatever yeah i said essentially yeah sure and um and they're on this dike and the dog is off his leash and he's kind of running around around in front of them dog slips falls oh no off the can off the cliff to his death and then they have to hike down and do they though no you don't first of all i would not she's weeping she's like we gotta go get his body so this and it was the guy who called in and he's like he's like so we hiked down is he on a first date with her very okay yeah and it's like i think he said it was like a quarter mile or half mile hike downhill like steep steep hill to get this dog and then down it's like there's a creek it's a very bad of a creek and he's like let's just put it in the creek like give it like a

viking funeral yeah he's like no no i need his body he's like so i have to carry he's a big dog too i don't want to say 70 pounds but like let's let's call it 50 pounds big enough yeah he's like no no i need his body he's like so i have to carry he's a big dog too i don't want to say 70 pounds but like let's let's call it 50 pounds big enough yeah there's a big dog so he's like i gotta fucking hike back up this steep ass hill half mile carrying his dog and then walk down the rest of the trail again carrying this dead fucking dog and he puts it in the inner trunk of her car she drops him off at home they like you text her i wish i would have kissed you so there was would you have been okay

monkey emoji every one of us has sent that text like a high school date like i wish i would have really wish i would have kissed you he's like all right you do it tomorrow like whoa let's not be crazy the moment's gone the moment's i wish i would have kissed that's so funny. That reminds me that I read this 4chan thread. It was this guy who was house-sitting for his neighbor. Wealthy neighbor that they went on vacation. He was house and dog-sitting. And it was a really nice neighborhood. And he was watching a golden retriever.

His first day, he walks in, dog's just fucking dead. He's like, what do I do with this dog? What do I have to do with this? So they had just bought like a really really nice state-of-the-art sound system and so he put the dog in like this sound system box that it came in he's like i'm gonna just like have to i have to bring this thing to the vet or something like to like get it you know just keep it there and as he's walking it out to his car he gets jumped because they see him carrying this box they just stole the box

so it's just like these thieves get home they open it they open it, and there's just a dead dog in the area. Jesus. If I were to get jumped, which I will be one day, I want to have a corpse of some sort on me. Yeah. Take it. Take everything. Take the whole bag. Like what? Like a rat?

Like a rat or a rabbit. I want to have a corpse of some sort on me. Yeah. Just kill a shih tzu and carry it in a backpack at all times? Yeah, just to be safe. Take everything. You constantly smell like decay, Nick. What is that? I gotta go.

I gotta go. It was viral on Reddit on r slash made me smile. Made me smile was like a wholesome thing it's like you cutesy wholesome things and the title of it was the caption was wholesome bouncer and it's a picture of a document a piece of paper on a nightstand that somebody um woke up who woke up to took a picture of 84.7 thousand upvotes.

And then the header in big bold letters is, don't panic. Okay. Oh, God. So that's big giant bold letters saying, don't panic. It almost makes you do the exact opposite. Of course. Okay. Please don't touch. You wake

up in a random room and you see that. You turn over, you see that you turn over you see that don't panic and it's stylized like a like a fancy uh powerpoint it's typed it's typed and printed and printed and then the subheader in italics is there's paracetamol paracetamol in the top drawer and bottled water on the side. The bathroom is straight across from you. Is that a painkiller? I think it's probably like British Tylenol. Oh, yeah.

First of all, this screams British. Yeah. Where am I is the next line. And then under that, in the spare bedroom of the bouncer you were talking to last night, you weren't in a state to be left alone. Wouldn't slash couldn't get in a taxi

and none of your friends were answering the phone. Next line. Where is my dot, dot, dot, question mark? Phone? It was on the bedside. Check under pillow. Tight fitting jewelry? On the side. Why did he have to put tight-fitting?

Was he bragging that he was able to get it off of her without waking her up? Clothing I threw up on? In the washing machine slash tumble dryer. There's some oversized hoodies in the drawers. And then what now in bold? Whatever you like.

Sneak out without a word? Follow the road downhill to the city center. Or stay in bed. There's clean towels on the banister. Possibly food in the fridge. A sticker with the Wi-Fi password on it. Somewhere in the living room. Netflix on the TV.

And the dog loves to be played with. Fuck this guy. So that dude, he thinks he's entitled to sex after this. For sure. He expected something. He also... Wait. What?

He did. He raped her. He 100% raped her. This is the boldest gaslight of all time. Or this was just like some fantasy that this loser... Yeah, he was just saving her. He was just saving her. He was just saving her.

He was just saving her. He was just saving her. He was just saving her. He was just saving her. He was just saving her. He was just saving her. He was just saving her. He was just saving her.

He was just saving her. He was just saving her. He was just saving her. He was just saving her. He was just saving her. He was just saving her. He was just saving her. He was just saving her.

He was just saving her. He was just saving her. Yeah. So if you like a bouncer... First off, no bouncers are on Reddit Also they're way too butt muscular When you are that fucked up I don't sleep for very long

I wake up feeling awful I sleep for like 4 hours You get like 2 hours of half sleep And then you wake up And you're like is my tight fitting jewelry still on He managed to type all this printed Printer issues always My theory is he's had that already printed.

He's used it. If he's had a document printed, it's not like he got home at 4 a.m. and like, oh, I got to type out this document. I got to do this. Got to place this here. And he said she was incapacitated, like debilitatingly drunk.

So imagine how he got her in his apartment. He had to carry this passed out girl. I'm reading it now and he did format it so well to the point where it's like you're saying. The format is feminine which makes me think that I don't know. A gay bouncer.

The dog loves to be pleaded. I hate that so much whatever you like he's like if you want you can use my Wi-Fi and my Netflix play with my dog have you seen the Uber

drivers with like extended there's ones it's like oh is Miss Flo here like reach under and get a tampon like what you're going to such like weird weird levels to try to be overly nice. I hate that. But like, he's even guilting her into leaving. Yeah, you can just leave.

Never leave the train. I guess you could leave without saying hi to me. But you could play with my puppy. It'll love you. Yeah, I basically saved your life. But you can just sneak out. I actually can't get over how creepy and predatory that is. Yeah. Even if his intentions were pure,

like that is still never okay. That should be illegal. And the fact that it got so many up-dudes on Reddit, the people loved it. Kind stranger, some gold for you. You're a hero. He gave him all the awards. Because Reddit's a culmination of people that don't know how to act outside in the outside.

So they're a bunch of like, yeah, there's going to be a lot of copycats now. The worst possible test audience. Imagine someone trying that. Yeah. They want to make it happen. It's like someone who sets fires so that they can put it out and be like, I'm the hero. Yeah, exactly. It's this guy. he roofied a woman yeah a girl would call the police before like the third bullet

point yes no yes was he any was he home it didn't it was that was ambiguous like if you took the same exact bullet points and had like the saw doll read these it would it would go right over my head like i wouldn't even notice it you it. Honestly, that wakes up and it almost reads like a saw game. Yeah. Hello? Don't panic. Don't panic. How do you do this? Don't panic. There's paramedics all in the drawer.

And bottled water on the side. Outside, there's a doggo. There's a peperino. Outside is a peperino. You have two choices leaving without acknowledging me or even attempting to fuck me or play with the popperino give them a hecking good boober reach underneath your pillow you'll find a cell phone

yeah it's just soft the The Wi-Fi password is in the kitchen. To get on the internet, you'll need a code. There's a password on a sticker in the hallway. You might be asking, what do I do now? You can go downhill to the city center. Yeah, yeah.

So you choose to sneak out Without a word You must follow the road downhill To the city Humans don't say that Follow the road downhill To the city center So first of all she'll use her phone

Like ah boy Good morning Good morning Jessica Don't panic You may be feeling woozy that's because of you last night find your clothing in the tumble dryer I like how he says the tumble dryer too

yeah down to the city center maybe that is like a British saying maybe ugh is that your reply to what I'm going to say no you're just going to say like no that's a new untold story hey is that story

old or told no baby it's a new untold story a new untold story A new untold story It's a fresh big untold story A new untold story A new untold story