A New Untold Story - A New Untold Story: Ep. 255 - Haikus from Ebony

Episode Date: September 10, 2021

|| A New Untold Story: Ep. 255 - Haikus from Ebony || The boys break down Ebony's poetry, Nick's miraculous graduation, Kyle's first job out of school, & much more || Nick, KB, Ebony, Owen, RoneYou can find every episode of this show on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or YouTube. Prime Members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. For more, visit barstool.link/anuspodcast

Hey, A New Untold Story listeners, you can find every episode on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or YouTube. Prime members can listen to ad-free on Amazon Music. Nick, how rude. What's rude? You're just over here on your goddamn phone. Get to it. I'm looking up the ads and we're not even starting to record yet. Get to it. You're on Nick time now, Ebony.

I don't want to be on Nick time. It's going to be over really, really fast. I want to be on your time. I want to be on my time. Is that like a murder threat? Yeah. No. What did that mean?

Yeah. I feel like Ebony's about to smoke a Nick if you know what I mean. Uh-huh. Smoke a mean? I'm not a Nick type of girl. Yeah, you are. There's two types of girls. There's Nick girls and then girls that don't know they're Nick girls. Which one are you? I thought I was a KB girl. You thought you were a KB girl.

Don't make me pull the toys out. I got the toy in my desk. You got a toy in your desk? A weapon? No, Casey gave me a pussy toy. A pussy toy? Is it a fake little pussy? I was trying to put it in my pants and Josh was like

no, Ebony E. He was running around the office with it. White Josh? Black Josh. Don't be funny. Why would that be funny? There's two Joshes. Ain't no white josh gonna sit next to me telling me not to put something in my pants josh has never been around another black girl he's so you're french i'm not fucking french i looked up your last name i went to ancestry.com your last name's your name's ebony beltrand you're my fucking business you know my

social security too i found it out okay bitch, bitch. And you're French. You're like 82% French. Cause I like wee-wee. No. I don't know. I'm convinced. You're not allowed to say the n-word anymore, is what we're trying to say. You're French. 82% Stop it. Jesus Christ. Ebony!

There are three white people on these mics. Me, Kyle, and you. I don't know. I don't know what race you are I can say what I want Maybe I'm in the minority here You are white You are white Maybe I'm in the minority

But I'm currently fucking you Who might be French, might be black KB That's really progressive that you're fucking a French woman I wouldn't know if you was fucking me and shit. Why not? I'm gonna make you say Jean-Jacques. Let me see

Jean-Jacques. You're gonna suck his jock. Wait, wait, wait, KB. You sound like me when I be beatboxing. Yeah. He just did that on the dick. On the dick. You beatbox on the dick? There's no way that feels good? Yeah.

Your girlfriend is whack. Your girlfriend doesn't beatbox? You don't even have a girlfriend, like you said. This is why my guy, Rome, is married. Y'all need to take notes from him. Wait, Rome doesn't suck dick? No, no, no. He has a wife that does that for him.

He don't have to worry about holes. He don't have to worry about dried up pussy. I don't want my dick beatboxed on. You don't want your dick beatboxed. I want a broke dancer. I want a jabberwocky spinning on my dick. I'm trying to suck dick until my jaw hurt. Okay. I want a beatbox. So, Ebony, we just pulled you in here. Carmelo Anthony was in the office. Oh my god.

And he's not your type. You're more of a Nick girl. He is a Nick girl. I felt like I said... Jesus! Wow, don't do that. Don't do that, KB. What the fuck? You're more of a Nick girl. He is a Nick. I felt like I said. He is a Nick. Jesus. Wow, don't do that. Don't do that, KZ. What the fuck? He's a Nick.

Wow. He's a New York Nick. That's what I would say. God damn. Oh, yeah. You was about to go there. Why him and not me? He has more money than you.

His dick's way bigger than yours. I guarantee that. He has magnets. he has more money than you. His dick's way bigger than yours. I guarantee that. You can only say with 99% certainty that his dick's bigger than mine. You have more Terry's than figures in your bank account. You have more siblings named Terry's than figures in your bank account. What the hell does my father's mistakes

have to do with me? I'm glad you brought that up. They're all his mistakes. He would literally tell you this. Ebony, I fucked up. They're all his mistakes. He would literally tell you this. Ebony, I fucked up. Like you fucked up 21 times. Is it like amnesia? He forgot he named another one Terry? No, no.

I'm telling you. Like last time, like we would go to the hospital. Like I literally met my little brother and he's like, I'm like, what was his name? He's like, Terry. I'm like, again? Bitch, you not the first one. He got four more bitches over here with boys and they're all juniors it's like it's like terry miles junior the second terry wait now like what the there's a terry junior the second

yes that yes i feel like you the third didn't work no that's what i'm trying these people are fucking stupid you're the second and then my father's like hey evan you should be happy you're terry with an eye like what the fuck we brought you in here i just followed you on instagram just you know how that's racist because you followed everybody in this bitch and it just took you it took for me to talk about some nasty shit for you to follow me nick i didn't know this is why i'm not a nick girl so i searched this is why i'm not a nick girl i searched ebony beltrand on instagram no you didn't come up you're red red bone 163 red red underscore bone 163 what's that mean well first of all red bone it was actually um tiffany's account okay yeah it was it was tiffany it was originally tiffany's account the male woman yeah it was cat

fishing her wait what the post woman yeah the post woman was that still what we were catfishing her boy. Wait, what? The post woman? Yeah, the post woman. Still what? We were catfishing. Oh, she delivers letters. She delivers a lot of things. But anyway. That's not even a euphemism for anything. She, um, KB, shut up. You're trying to make up euphemisms. Euphemism. This is why I started calling y'all niggas, because y'all just do the most.

Thank you. Goddamn. Goddamn. I was waiting for this. Let him talk. You know why, KB? Because he didn't want to say it so bad. I know. God damn. I was waiting for this. Let him just talk. You know why, KB? Because he didn't want to say it so bad. Yeah, he does. He looked at me. He looked like he wants to say it so bad. He does.

But you can't. But in like a hateful way. Yeah, like you fucking. You can't do that. All right, all right. I can do that because I'm black. I can do whatever the fuck I want. Okay?

If I want to sing him, call you a nigga, I'm going to do that. You can do that to me. I am enjoying that okay let's go back to red underscore bone 163 okay so it was it was originally tiffany's account um she was like trying to catfish her boyfriend whatever it was a long story we're not getting into that doesn't mean that's shut up we don't care about what you think anyways um but he did add me he followed me he definitely was in my dm and we just went with it did you fuck up ew no so i'm looking at the pictures i'd rather fuck what's red bone what's

red bone oh you know what that light-skinned mommy like me red bone okay red ball i'm just trying to learn you need to you're asleep you need to be woke wake the fuck up nick well you're supposed to wake me up i tried to wake you up well how just like i try to wake this fucking idiot up he's always sleep yeah you're right what i'm not always sleep you're always fucking sleep how am i always sleep i'm looking at the pictures what is this what is this gray blurry picture also that was me twerking on a girl's face it's you so that's an ass yes my ass did you add a fireworks frame because i was twerking on a girl's face it was girl's an ass. Yeah, it's my ass. Did you add a fireworks frame? Yeah, because I was twerking on a girl's face.

It was a girl's face frame. But you added fireworks. Whose ass is that? I didn't. That was mine. I'm going to call HR on myself. Ooh. KB, I know you just wanted

to tap that. Is his ass fat? Wait, but my ass is not that fat, so you don't want to tap that. You don't think your ass is fat? Nah, not that fat. What am I looking at in that pic? What's pic it's the arch for me i can make anything

look lit with an arch yeah yeah yeah me too um yeah you posted a series of stories yeah um i'm gonna look the first one 21 hours ago who knew that three minutes would cost me 18 whole years? What's that mean? I'm trying to even deduce what that could possibly mean. No. Is this a paradox? I wrote that because I was arguing with a sperm donor, aka my baby daddy, the one KB want to fight. And I just realized, like, I...

Fuck out of here. You could definitely do that. I don't care. So, you know, he was getting me so tight. I'm just like, bro, like... What do you mean he was getting you tight? He likes to argue. You know, he likes to argue because he can't hit this poon.

That ain't no more. So. He can't? He can't. It's three minutes. You didn't read the fucking shit. I just. My daughter was.

My daughter. I remember like it was yesterday. I was on a sofa. It's when it started. It was over. It was the birth. And I was in denial. And I didn't know that I was pregnant because it was over that fucking fast yeah you could usually you can only get pregnant after like

a long session i remember the amount of pumps that he had in him too i was over it how many pumps like four four pumps in three minutes that's a slow bone slow bone slow bone he was like trying to like play with the nipples i'm like this is such a turn off like am i supposed to like it is it supposed to feel like this i was a little bit confused it was the first time i ever had sex and you got pregnant the first time the first time i had sex i got pregnant you're fertile as fuck i know that's why i swallow now yeah yeah well that's your pussy though like yeah i don't you know it feels good but i'd rather like if you're about to come i'd rather swallow is very good for my skin light skin red bone mommy like myself.

Do you have cum on you right now? I do. Is that cum on your black shirt? This is Edwin's cum. Yeah, he sits next to me. You don't even know. His dick's so big, I could top him off sitting at the desk. You don't even know.

You could top him off. How would I not know if you were sucking a dick? That's one of the least sneaky things somebody could do. I'm not sneaky at all. I'd rather do it in front of you. I like a show. That's one of the least sneaky things somebody could do. I'm not sneaky at all. I'd rather do it in front of you. I like a show. Oh, look at you. You don't know what to say.

You got the wrong bitch on here. Anyways, come on. Next story. Fuck a breakup. Y'all ever failed your regents with a 64? That was me. I always like, it was like bro i was like really i this is why i know i'm slow i tell people this on a daily basis because okay perfect example my

mom called me yesterday she was like ebony i see i ran into your teacher like my teacher from like back in the day you know i'm an old bitch i'm like mom how the hell you seen him like i remember i didn't think you meant anything i'm like how how do you remember another type of teacher what i assume i'm like hot what does she mean by the regents it sounds familiar it's a board of regents degree oh it's a state exam oh is it a state exam a bitch is slow like i barely even passed like i don't even know how the fuck i got into barstool i even hired me i'm fucking slow as fuck wait how'd you get hired long story i ain't got time for that it's boring nobody wants to hear about that okay but you failed your regents yes with a 64 with a 64 slow

bitch i admit it is it is it a notably like easy test it's so easy like my sister passed with flying colors and she's illiterate i'm fucking mad like i try my my hardest. You have an illiterate sister? Yes. Which one? Terry. No, Essence. Her name's Essence? Essence, yes. The bitch that got COVID. Yeah. That bitch got COVID. Oh, that one.

Yeah, that one. The illiterate one with COVID. Okay. Yeah, she got COVID. You know what's so fucked up? When did she get COVID? Over the break. What break, Ebony?

That's what she said. I asked her. I asked her. I was like, she was in PA. And I was like, oh, you're just trying to leave us? Because she yeah i asked her i was like she was in pa and i was like oh you're just trying to leave us like because she lives with me i was like you're just trying to she's like i need a vacation from you ebony all you do is watch porno and whatever so she leaves and she comes back and the bitch got covid okay what break that's what she said she calls it a break a break for me what does she where'd

she go for me pa to what city i don't she go? It's a break for me. PA. To what city? I don't know. And I don't ask. I don't care. The bitch had COVID. Don't give a fuck. It's classic essence.

Essence. Yeah. Like that's the smart bitch. She passed. Like she, she didn't even like, she didn't even study. Is she named after the band Evanescence?

You like that band? What the, why are you trying to be funny? You know. You'd like it no i don't no you'd like evanescence do that again all right who the fuck is that um next story so these are all within seconds of each other i was feeling some type of way yesterday i'm not this one is mouth on clit two fingers in cat one finger in ass. What sparked all these? Who are you telling that to? Who are you telling this to?

You have 82 followers. Wow. First of all. You're hopping on the KB train. First of all. You're trying to get something out of that. KB. Red underscore bone 163.

Let's get it to 100. I don't even want that many followers first of all i don't like that many people in my business and i did have a barstool twitter and instagram that had a lot of following and somebody hacked my shit like i was a somebody like i'm a nobody and you hack my shit and i was not smart enough like i said to get my account back what was your password don't know you i don't know anything you don't i don't know anything you don't i don't know anything okay well let's let's make sure if you look if you search my name it will have like five different accounts that pop swear to god like somebody really like obsessed now

roan pointed out those are all haikus are they really you like haiku no yes you do no you nobody accidentally makes three i was just in okay you were feeling zen okay i went i was drinking hennessy i was on facetime with tiffany she she showed me her titties i was in my mood i was i was really in my bag and then we was talking about finger popping our conversations be lit so i was like tiff but in the matter of 30 seconds conversations yeah we have like we live like conversations y'all don't talk about each other's dicks and shit please it's all that's exclusively what we talk about i know you don't have conversations about kb's dick nothing to talk about nothing to talk about let's just clear that up he's at a loss let's just clear that up kb i'm sorry i said i was gonna talk about your dick but it's like you can't but you non-stop so you non-stop talk about my dick that's what i call small talk you see he loves he's loves your baby

your baby dick i mean i was thinking maybe if i talk about it more maybe you'll get more bitches and they'll prove me wrong i'm getting bitches can i prove is this fake news what do you want to see you want to watch him fuck i would love to see that you'd love to watch your butthole shit there's nothing left wait what are you I asked to see your butthole. Shit, there's nothing left. Wait, what are you talking about you seeing my butthole? No, no, no, no. You asked me. You was like, hey, you want to see my butthole?

I asked that? Nick, don't do that. When did I ask to see my butthole? You asked, you said this on the yak. What did I say? You was like, hey, you want to see my butthole? Just unprompted. It was things that led up to that.

Of course. I wouldn't just say that unprompted. I think you brought up you getting fucked in the ass. My ass really hurts right now, too, today. Oh, my God. Let's be talking about it. Let's talk about it. So let's say you went to KB's to hook up with him.

I wouldn't. KB moved to an area in the financial district. He wouldn't. His street. Okay. Kyle, tell her the name of your street. I live right off of People With AIDS. People With AIDS Plot. I live off of People With AIDS. People With AIDS Plaza.

I live off of People With AIDS. I would never come visit you. They don't fund my life, so I live off of a street called People With AIDS Plaza. Okay. Don't you find that's an issue? No. You don't find the humor in that? No, I'm still stuck at he said that me and KB was going to hook up.

Hypothetical. Don't do that. You could have said Owen. A hypothetical. You go to KB's place with people with AIDS Plaza. I know Owen gets bigger than his. And KB goes and destroys your pussy. Shatters your pussy.

Don't. Shatters what? Shatters your pussy. Never going to happen. On people with AIDS Plaza. Look how he's looking at you. He was like, no, this is never going to happen. You can't shatter shit besides glass, bitch.

You ain't shattering shit in these pants. I got the WAP. WAP, W wop the wop is with aids pussy or with a plaza yeah you're with a that's the people with aids plaza and that's why you live there we're trying to talk about the name the decision making process that led to that name they They were trying to memorialize AIDS victims. And they just named it People with AIDS Plaza. They didn't name it Mercury Manor or Magic Mountain or Jonathan Van Ness Blanard.

I fell asleep. You know Jonathan Van Ness? You watch Queer Eye? For the straight guy? Queer Eye is when you dot your eye with a bubble dot. This is so out of my element queer eyes when you put a heart over over your lowercase eye or a flower this is so out of my element i don't know what type of music i listen to i don't know i'm going to mgk on monday at central park how about you come to the bronx on saturday to shatter my pussy to shatter my

pussy so they say wait so you want him to put it to the table? I would love to. If he can do it, I will shut the fuck up. Prove me wrong, KB. When I went to KB's apartment at People with AIDS Plaza, I went upstairs and I was like, ow, I stepped on something in his room. Did you get AIDS? No, I stepped on a shard of pussy. Shattered.

One of a million pussy pieces. Look at his face. Does he look like he shattered any type of pussy? No. What makes you say that? No. He don't give me like big dick energy. Like he don't give me that vibe.

And I keep saying it. You're putting on a hard exterior. You fucked one guy for the past 10 years. You're so mad. Yes, I am. And I ate more pussy than you did. And I ate more pussy than you did. And that's a fact. We're not talking about eating pussy.

So what do you think? I'm just going to eat pussy. your terry count is higher than your body count in the last decade you only fucked four guys in your life because i told you that right right that doesn't change and he told me that okay because i told you that so now you can run with it and you only fuck i was in a committed relationship so of course okay. KB, how many females have you had sex with? Guess. None. Easy fucking answer. Fuck you. You would like to fuck me, but I can't find it, like I said.

You know what? You can't shatter. Oh, we doing an ad? Mm-hmm. Do it. All right. That was fucking incredible. Thanks for letting me Do it.

Are you still playing your character? You want to just do a cut? Yeah, you're playing a character in front of Roan. We're getting in trouble for putting them too late in episodes. Really? Yeah. Can you just... So we'll just insert it right here? Yeah. Evan, you want to read the ad? But you know, I just said I'm illiterate.

No, you said your sister was. Yeah, i'm illiterate no you said your sister was yeah i'm illiterate you can read nah you can read can't even spell that's not true that's so true we talk on gchat yeah you blow up my you blow up my gchat first of all i'd be like food here some people i'd be like bitch come get your food everybody's not that's not what you said to me what i say to you look at the gchat i'm not allowed to say what you said to me oh don't don't don't't, don't do that. Don't do that. What is that?

Don't do that. Your girlfriend's going to come beat me up. So scared for my life. Ebony, where'd you get that shirt? Is that from cuts clothing? This is, this is Adidas.

No, let's lie. Let's lie. Ebony's wearing cuts clothing. That's cuts clothing. It's either cuts clothing or KB. Where do you get your fashion? Your fucking fashion sense from?

I can dress. You cannot dress. That's Cuts clothing. Ebony's wearing the perfect t-shirt. It's a fabric. Why? Because it has cum on it?

Don't judge me. Trying to do an ad, Ebony. You want me to pay rent? You want me to get evicted? I don't care. You can invite me to your house. I don't give a fuck if you have a house.

Nobody comes to my house. Do the Cuts clothing ad, Nick. Don't let her face you. You'll never need to take it off and certainly won't want to. Or try the wrinkle-free Pika Polo, a design that keeps you fitted for the office, the golf course, or at home, the gym, or

your next hot date. Cuts is premium with a purchase. Purpose. Each piece of clothing is designed with custom-engineered fabric, expertly graded for the perfect fit, arming you for your every challenge and opportunity. It's not just a lifestyle, Ebony. It's not just clothing.

It is office leisure apparel. Thoughts? It's the sport of business. We can give you 15% off if that's something you want. Can I see the clothes? No. Okay. Cutsclothing.com slash anus. That's cutsclothing.com slash anus. That's cutsclothing.com slash anus.

Slash anus. Slash anus. For 15% off the only shirt worth wearing. Cut it up. Cut it up. I just think you made that up. What was it? Take a plain tee, but make it Tony Stark.

Ooh. Is that still in the copy? Yeah, I skipped it. Well, that's a good one. I like that. So what's wrong with our style yeah i don't have any style what are you talking about you need style to have style you're what are you you're dressed like somebody that has style you're wearing all black all black adidas

you look like you're in the 1975 do i really yeah the band at least i'm wearing one solid color opposed to you have like five different colors on kb don't get me fucking started with your fucking apparel what you don't like his patagonias you don't like the patties what's wrong batty you got a long shirt you got a long c shirt on with girl shorts because they above your knee and then you got on some dirty ass rebox you're living in 2001 i don't see anybody like dressed like you in the hood at all Mello is wearing a 5 inch inseam yeah but that's Mello don't you think it's a fuck

isn't it odd that his dick wasn't popping out that's why I only like him I see he got a dick print though because I definitely peeped it you peeped his dick print did you talk to him? yeah I spoke to him what did he say? I'm jealous as fuck.

As you should be. He was actually talking to me and Gilly's assistant, Mo. So, you know, he was connecting. With what? What do you mean connecting? Why didn't he connect with me? Because you ain't a sister. You ain't a brother.

You over here talking about all this dumb shit you be talking about. So, you're French? You're French. Oui, oui. Yeah. I wanna see your Oui, oui. Yeah. I want to see your oui, oui. Let me burn you a CD. I'll get you some Evanescence.

Okay. 1975. Okay. Mayday Parade. Okay. Cute is what we aim for. Cute is what we aim for. Death Cab for Cutie.

You got Curse of Curse. You have the Curse of Curse. You know what's so funny? You know what's so funny? We're the perfect combination because I have the gift of one-liners. You know what's so funny with KB? Because KB plays this KB plays this mean guy with me, right? And then over the weekend, he texts me,

hey, Evan, you want to come out? I did. That's not me playing. What did you say? I'm a little hungover, but where are you? Drop a pin. You were begging. Yeah, I was fried. There was no way I was making it. I was just trying to be nice. Invite him up. Why don't you drop a pin? KB can hit me up if he wanted

to pull up, but I don't think he ever wants to pull up why not pull up we can pull up you got a nintendo switch sure do what do you play mario kart what character yoshi me too lies why would i lie about yo she french You're a liar, Nick. Yo, she French. You just gonna run with it? Type shit. You just gonna run with it? I'd rather be French. I love talking about Weeby. Perfect.

You made the joke. It's cemented. You can make an Eiffel Tower joke. I really just want to like sit on KB's face and suffocate him. That's what I want to do. Swear to God. You wouldn't suffocate him? I would suffocate him. No way. You know why I would suffocate him that's what i want to do i swear to god you wouldn't suffocate him i would suffocate

no way you know why i would suffocate him because i would wrap my hands around your neck at the same time as i'm sitting on your face that's just murder exactly he's never gonna make it he would never be able to tell get that what you that's what you sound like come on say something all of our fans are real skinny white guys. So you're about to get a ton of them following you, liking your pictures. Okay. You cool with that?

Don't really care. You're going to accept them though, right? No. I think the last time I was on this show, I did a lot of like, yeah, I got like 200 like friend requests and they all still sit in there.

I better have my 88 friends. You got no, no, you didn't. You got friend requests on Facebook. We're talking about Instagram. Let me show me.

Come on. Why do you do a lot of talking? No, I don't. It's a podcast. No, no, no, no. It's okay to talk, but he be chatting. Like, he just be talking about shit

that's, like, irrelevant. What's the difference between talking and chatting? Chatting is just, like, you saying shit that's irrelevant. Wow. Yeah? Yeah. what's the difference between talking and chatting chatting is just like you saying shit that's irrelevant wow yeah oh I did it right okay she has a lot

who's that verified one you go up who's the blue check was that Carmelo should have been Mike Studd it's not KB KB's not verified wow that sucks yeah i know a little embarrassing isn't it kyle i am verified nick you're not i chose not to be no you

didn't i know i want to be real bad is that hot is that like a turn on for girls to be verified the blue check well not for me for some girls for me and i can care less so you liked carmelo more than me because of what his style he's he's black the fuck he's black he's a he's a basketball player he's fine as hell he fucked la la anthony like hello the fuck i want a piece of that of course he fucked his wife exactly i want to be a p i want to be a part of that you want to be in in between betwixt right he got mad kids a lot of other bitches was in that too shit he's tall he's he's tall like gandalf he's tall you fuck with gandalf he's tall he's handsome you know he got money he looked like a savage what's that what's that even mean like a like ass eater like real nasty that's not even that's he does not tame that what's that even mean like a like ass eater like real nasty that's not even that's he does not that's part i guess i'm a female so i'm just telling you

what i say how i feel ass eating you don't even eat ass nick you look like you like to get your ass eaten what does what do you yes what gives off that energy because i don't think you eat ass i think kb2 i think it's not binary it's not eat or be eaten yeah i think sometimes we had this conversation before and you said you would rather have somebody lick your ass before you lick their ass let's talk about it okay did you say that yes he did you're serious about yes i would rather have look talking about me i don't want to lick an ass you wouldn't want to lick an ass. You wouldn't want to lick an ass. So you want a girl to fold her tongue up like a taco and stick her tongue in your ass? In?

Why can't she just skim the surface? So it's like licking a pussy, but just licking the outside. That makes no sense. Quick silver. The outside of a pussy. You look so confused right now. He's scratching his neck. I wish people could see him.

Nick's like, what? There is no outside of a pussy. The a hole no no yeah some guys don't even stick their tongue in the hole they just look like like a dog like yeah but then they want but then they want like the greatest head ever no teeth like yeah yeah guys y'all really up there you think the something that quantifies the greatest head ever is no teeth yes like that's like bare minimum girls i know you know a girl there's always a guy that know a girl that all she does is use teeth like she doesn't mean to but her teeth is just fucking huge and she just choose one yeah but i don't i don't have that problem we can try if you want nick you can get a sample i thank you okay it won't fit anyways but whatever

you're my dick won't fit yeah it was just like it's like a little slinky it'll just like what does that mean your mouth won't fit on my dick your dick won't fit in my mouth because it's too small physics aren't there it's too small to fit in the mouth transcends kb listen here when we talk about physics kb when we talk about dicks you stay out of it I sit it out you sit this one out alright fine you can't even opinionate when it comes to do you cook? yes

do you use HelloFresh? no yes you do we all do here I am black doing the fact that it's a HelloFresh you're held up in Trader Joe's listening to Red Scare for people of all colors yeah but I live in the Bronx they's a hella fresh in the Bronx. You're held up in Trader Joe's listening to Red Scare. Actually, for people of all colors. Yeah, but I live in the Bronx.

They don't have that shit in the Bronx. It's delivery. Yeah, no. It's delivery. Yeah, no. I feel like delivery, that's like bougie. I go. No, not hella fresh.

It's for every person. I like to go in there and just shut up. I need you to not play devil's advocate for the ads. Ebony, they offer 50 menu and market items to choose from every week. Vegetarian meals. That's okay, but I'd rather... Ebony, say it long, Ebony. Look, but I'd rather...

Calorie smart choices, Ebony. Does it look like I count my calories? Extra special gourmet options. Does it look like I count my calories? Ebony, play it long. Ebony, you've been excited for the fall harvest, haven't you? Butternut squash soup. Pumpkin cinnamon rolls.

That sounds good. I don't't you butternut squash soup pumpkin cinnamon rolls that sounds good i don't know about butternut squash your friends in the bronx celebrate friends giving don't you yeah the day before the day before high quality ingredients yeah gossip hella fresh is 30 cheaper than shopping at grocery stores okay what grocery store do you go to western beef fucking quit going what's your grocery store western beef western beef yes i'm telling you they don't have everything it's so different so when i come out here and people like order food and stuff i'm like oh that's bougie but i'm like they don't have you're going to the western beef and then meanwhile i'm over here having the finest girl at western beef well Now you can go get America's number one meal kit. That's great, isn't it? You see you helping me out. I love it.

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Western beef. I agree. I agree because I don't want to go to the supermarket all the time but What's it like at the Is that a chain? Western beef is like It's like the biggest supermarket that we have Like one of the biggest supermarkets that we have and it's like the most

ghettoest supermarket at the same time. What makes it ghetto? Because you see people smoking weed in there S to god what kind what what kind of do they have like could you get lucky charms there you can get it's a fucking supermarket i don't know if it's just like generic shit you can get anything in there but i feel like can i get quinoa probably not probably there's no quinoa western well i don't i don't go look for fucking quinoa so i couldn't i couldn't spell it for fucking king one so i couldn't i can spell it king wow yeah no i'm a literate yeah i'll let you fall you said you let me fuck spell it thank god i don't want you to fuck me that's a waste of a body like why would i what do you mean you think people only have a finite amount of bodies first of all why would i want to waste

a body what do you mean waste okay so what i'm saying is like kb said earlier that i only have a i only fuck with a couple of people right yeah why would i add an another body on if it's gonna be a whack body whack body like if i'm not gonna come or be excited by it or want to suck it why would i what a funny story wouldn't you want a funny story to tell about the time you i'd rather fuck zah midget it's way more funnier than fucking kb yeah it's not funny with me i've been trying to fuck Zah midget. It's way more funnier than fucking KB. Yeah, it's not funny with me. I've been trying to fuck Zah for a while. You've been trying to fuck Zah.

Yeah, I've been trying to fuck Zah. Me and Zah text all the time. One day I'm going to get it. Just to say I fucked a midget. You never want to fuck a midget? No, Ebony. Sucks to be you. Does it? Yeah. I don't think I want to fuck Zah because because yeah it's just because he's a midget because he's not i don't like he's not my type but he's a midget what do you mean he's not your type he's ugly i tell him this all the time jesus christ that knows this you think we could get him on the line out he'd be

like huh what'd you say what's up what'd you say say it again why y'all staring at me waiting for you to say something because i'm trying i'm waiting for you to answer to tell me what you want me to answer what's your type perfect man build him tall like me black not you somebody i don't even care about money i just want somebody i can have fun with somebody they can make you laugh yeah like because i'm like i'm gonna go get her i don't i don't care i don't care about you got glasses i'm gonna say that kinky shit glasses are yeah you know why yes whatever this is this is for another day i got stories it's for another day why are glasses kinky this is for another day no it's for today no it's for the wire glasses no it's not oh you want to leave the people on at

a cliffhanger right now yeah why are glasses kinky it just we'll have you on once a month and i have some stories to tell you you promise yes i promise you know my stories is always good that is true we could give you one more what's up time you fuck kb that's never gonna fucking happen it's a memoir i rather like said, I'd rather fuck Zah. Memoirs of a gay chick. I'd rather fuck Zah or Brandon Walker. You'd rather fuck Brandon Walker than KB? Absolutely.

All right, I want to name somebody you say more or less than KB. Napoleon Bonaparte. No, no, we'll say people that we all know. Okay. Me. You already know the answer to that. Big Cat you already know the answer to that um big cat you know the answer to that no everybody in this office is fuckable more than kb even the girls in here like they got a better off chance little sasquatch who the fuck is that yeah that is gotta go home to go get the cum out my ass so

that is the fact is that a euphemism or is that literal no i'm serious like it like my ass is really sad it's not a joke like i cleaned it and it's just like every time i use the bathroom it's just like why ebony my asshole is sad like i regret it's just like, why, Ebony? My asshole is sad. I regret. It's yelling at you? Yeah, it's really sad. It cries. I shouldn't have crossed the line just trying to take one for the team. I was lit yesterday.

I'm telling you. You got drunk yesterday on a Wednesday? Yeah, on a Wednesday. Hennessy? Hennessy. I always thought you want to suck dick after Hennessy. Yeah, but there was nobody there. So I was like, I'm just going to be sucking rain. So wait, why is your ass sore?

Oh, man. Oh, man. there so i was like i'm just gonna be sucking so wait why is your ass sore oh man oh man yeah we're everybody we all know what you meant except for me yeah you just want me to get into detail no i'm just i got fucked in the ass but you said nobody was around it was when i was drinking when i was drinking like when i was lit it was nobody around so i had to like you know go on my phone, see what I could scrabble up here and there. There's a window of time while you're currently simultaneously drinking. While I'm drinking, I'm just lit. I'm trying to see some titties. Correct me if I'm wrong, though.

You said Hennessy makes you want to suck dick and tequila makes you want to get fucked in the ass? Yes. But you drank Hennessy. Yeah, but yesterday I wanted to take one for the to take one for the team like what's the team what is the squad what is the roster look i'm the team i feel like every hole in my body needs to get fucked yes every hole mouth vagina if you can fuck me in the ear please do it nose hole whatever you into you want to rub your nut sack on my head i'm with it like i like it i like i was just in the mood i'm like

i just want to get fucked in the ass tiffany's like girl go ahead you go me and i was walking around with fucking anal beads in our ass on facetime yesterday both of you both of us i have pictures but why why that's not lit that's depressing it's not depressing yes it is you're on facetime with your one you're on facetime with your only friend getting drunk solo wow only friend first of all no i was on facetime with my friend because when we get home we like to conversate about you crackers so yeah we only face your facetiming in public aren't you loudly you can see it right maybe a little bit no we every day we know we facetime whatever and Tiffany always answers

the phone naked like she likes being naked so when she's naked she motivates me to be naked so we just talk on the phone she was drinking wine I don't drink wine so I decided to drink some Henny we was just conversating you know and I was like yo Tiff it would be funny if you just put the beads in your butt she was like put the beads in my I'm gonna put if you just put the beads in your butt. She was like, put the beads in my...

I'm going to put it. So she put the beads in her butt. And then you had beads? Well, we went shopping together, yeah. I bought her panties. She buys mine. Like, we have that type of fucking relationship. And did you meet her here?

No. She just happens to be the postwoman here. Yeah. She lives in the Bronx. She lives like 10 minutes away from me. Well, this isn't the Bronx. Obviously, but she works down here. She works down here. Yeah. No shit like 10 minutes away from me. Well, this isn't the Bronx. Obviously, but she works down here. She works down here.

Yeah. No shit. And you guys, okay. Yeah. There's nothing wrong with that. I'm a kinky girl. I get bored fast. So what did you do?

So once you put them in, you were just talking? Yeah, we was chatting. It was a little twerking. And then her guy came over. And then I was like, oh, you're about to get fucked. So might as well call me one of my hoes. And that's why I got fucked in the ass. The anal beads was already in my ass. Might as well.

Was he clean shaven? In the cock area? Yeah, I don't like hair. That's nasty. That's gross. Thank God. Was he wearing a snapback? He must have used Manscaped. Yeah, he definitely used some Manscaped. Oh, she's good. He definitely did use some Manscaped. He was soft. He was soft as hell.

Yeah, that's probably the toner. It makes his skin so soft. He's using the toner. He definitely did use some Manscaped. He was soft. He was soft as hell. Yeah, that's probably the toner. It makes his skin so soft. He's using the toner. He must have been using the toner. The performance package 4.0. Manscaped is one of the best shamers, I will say. Hands down. Because you have no razor bumps.

No. You are smooth as a baby's ass. Yeah, that's the 7,000 RPM motor. I'm just saying. Like Manscaped, go get you some Manscaped. Use the LED and it's waterproof. You can do it in the shower. I know that, but I'm just saying. Go get you some Manscaped. Use the LED and it's waterproof. You can do it in the shower. I know that, but I'm just saying.

I know that. Kalahari, I know you went there for a birthday. Damn, you in my business. I can't tell people shit. You remind me of someone who would go to Kalahari with your kid for his birthday. You were on the slides and shit. I definitely did.

No, my kids are dead. You were going down the slide in slow motion. I actually went down the side of my shirt and my top came off. You could hear the squeaks. You got very shocked.

Well, you should tell your boy to get 20% off and free shipping with code ANUS A-N-U-S at manscaped.com That's 20% off plus free shipping

with the code ANUS at manscaped.com for a clean Trinity and beyond your space balls. Well, thank you. Yeah. Yeah. All right. Are you fellas done with me?

So I could go home and go. What do you want to do? Come on my ass. I got been sitting here for, you know. Yeah. If you want. Get the come out of your ass. Go get the come out of your ass.

Oh, text you. KB. You see, you know what? I might want to say nothing. This is for another show. text me oh text you KB you see you know what I'm not even gonna say nothing this is for another show KB this is for another show you just got my mouth wet

can you leave us on it what you just got your mouth wet that's my thing that's pretty normal I'm not even talking KB's getting all the girls wet their mouths

their mouths what'd you say about fat asses you said I said you know no I wanna hear it say it if that ass fat.

No, finish it. Finish it like a grown ass woman. Come back to the mic. Come back to the mic and finish the lyrics. If that ass fat. KB got a hat at. That was a little too much. Too much of whatever.

Okay. I'm definitely going to sign it. Okay. Be well. Be well. She was a treat. What a treat. She knows who Evanescence is, right?

Yes. No. I feel like we glossed over with Ebonyony um she she alphaed the entire situation she did and i was rendered speechless on multiple occasions i know it's just impossible to keep up she's stubborn she let her terry out a little bit um yeah i'm trying to think of a terry joke terry cloth she let her terry out anyways we you live right next to people with aids yes which has been a thing for a decade plus i guess but i'm still in the honeymoon phase of like discovering it i just can't get over the like the naming process awful awful name And it's just people with AIDS.

And it's residential. And so you can live on people with AIDS plaza. And so imagine like living on a girl. You have a girl over. You hook over. You hook up. She leaves in the morning. She sneaks out. She's like, I regret it. That's so much. He's so ugly.

And his ears are fucked up. The hypothetical. Who the fuck was she fucking elijah wood and uh she grabs her shoes wrinkled dress on she sneaks downstairs she's like i never do that but you know you're only in your late teens once she sneaks down the steps creaky steps typical apartment where the fuck am i like yeah i don't remember anything i don't even know remember his name i told him to take the condom off then she looks up yeah oh oh god he lives at people with AIDS Plaza. The P-WAP. The P-WAP.

That is an insane way to memorialize just like a general group of people. What do we call this? So I live by People with AIDS Plaza and people who collapsed 78 stories into burning rubble memorial. And then I had to fly out of people who had their parietal lobes sniped out of their head airport new york why don't we just call it jfk h to the ivy cruising down aid street yeah because i think they saw like, okay, well

people of color is an acceptable term. These are people with AIDS. We'll name this plaza after them. Imagine like, just like, oh fuck, I forgot bug spray. You get bit by a mosquito and you're like that's annoying. You look up. Oh fuck.

And I like the thing like every person with AIDS is on the same like group mass email and i like the thing like every person with aids is on the same like group mass email and they got the news like this we're memorializing or no they're not even memorializing because it's people who currently have yeah the people who died aren't getting there's no tribute to them it's just the people who currently have yeah we're going to give you this plaza like a people with cancer wouldn't make sense. No. Toddlers with leukemia. Memorial Hospital. Instead of St. Jude's.

Oh yeah, I'll turn in names for things. Do you have any more? What? What are some things named after? Trying to think. Titties with tumors month. Yeah, that's right. The NFL,

everybody's wearing camo for high school dropout month. There's better names for it. You have your master's, right? So I spent seven years in college working on a master's in early childhood special ed just to end up getting dick shamed by my security guard. I shouldn't have graduated college.

What do you mean? I was in my first... It took me four and a half years. Were you trying to kill yourself? No. Well, you did. You don't have to admit it, but you did. What did you try?

What was your major? Art? Graphic design. Graphic design. Yeah, big difference. Same thing? No, absolutely not. You were probably on the board that tried to change STEM to STEAM.

What's STEAM? Add the A. The arts. No. the board that tried to change stem to steam what's steam add the a the arts no art art you can look at and whatever you want to get from it that's good that's successful art design you look at it and has one meaning and that's successful design there's multiple meanings from a design that's a bad design okay pretty cool okay so you were in graphic design school yeah don't don't mess that up wasn't no didn't you get uh cucked by an nfl player i had an nfl player steal a logo of mine yeah i sent it to him as a fan okay so it was bruce irvin yeah seattle seahawks yeah all pro yeah okay no but he was

good former mountaineer yeah i said you went out of your way and send him a logo what was the logo it was cool it was his name it was sack man was his nickname which is inherently gay um yes i'm the sack man no dick at all oh fucking i'm sack man did you hook up with the sack man last night yeah two black eyes um yeah and i did i tweeted him a logo i was like i was just like a fledgling designer and i was like a big fan of him but the it had the wv the flying wv upside down yeah to represent man yeah okay and uh he just took it just took it you gave it to him no i tweeted it so i was like look what i made for you and then he started using it and i didn't you can't do that nah what is the what is like legally

or legally it's like an ip thing okay both yeah Both. Yeah. But I eventually got some money. Oh, nice. But I shouldn't have graduated. I shouldn't have my degree. I find that hard to believe because you are a responsible student who cares a lot. You're a stressful, anxiety-ridden boy. I am. But I was not a good student. Okay.

Bad student even. So how did you fail to graduate? Like you failed a class? No. My senior capstone was web design. And we were all assigned a client to design a website for i got assigned a doctor and we had to make his website i did it was just me and uh i was just like fuck it i'm enjoying myself in college i'll just do one more

semester i gave up on it i did like four pages of it and so we're presenting it to him it was uh everybody was presenting to their clients they They all came into the classroom. Everybody's exhausted from all-nighters. And I was fresh. Because I only did four pages of probably the 13 pages of code. You're probably freaking out. What was your plan? Did you just wing it and go up there and talk?

I was going to go up there. And when I got to the last page that I did, I was going to click on another link that I knew was broken. And I was just going to be like, oh, my God. And I was like, this is the old one. Like, I don't know where my new one is. I was going to try to like intentionally corrupt a file. I don't know something. Yeah.

So I'm up there. My, the doctor's in front of me and I'm going through, he's liking it a lot. Responsive web design, shrinking and growing according to the window size. Good design, clean,

crisp. Um, and he will get to the page that i the last one i did like the contact page easy page to do he's like all right show me uh show me it was a it was a part of the page where you could make an appointment show me that did not fucking do that i knew it was gonna be a broken link what if i clicked that so i'm hovering over there and a kid in our class just stands up and screams everybody looks at him he just falls to the ground and starts seizing oh shit and it was the best thing that's ever happened to me because everybody's like who was my client a doctor so he like runs up to him he like flips him on his side i think and then

he's like okay i'm gonna go with him to the hospital thank you for the pay the web page he wasn't gonna actually use it this was just like oh you just put yeah wvu doctor yeah and so they wheel this guy out this kid on the the stretcher and they were just like they like gave me a round of applause for my website a in the class jesus yeah did you know the guy who seized yeah he's dead he's not dead but i have not i forget his name you have to contact i forget his name i owe him royalties i owe him a lot. Because if I weren't a designer, I wouldn't have been in the fucking cubes designing. And I wouldn't have been bored out of my ass and wouldn't have been tweeting designs.

And then I wouldn't be here. Shit. I forget his fucking name. He was a short boy. That's the first thing I see about people. No. That's weird. That's the first thing most people see. That's unique to you.

No, no, no. I think it's the first thing most people see. no that's weird that's the first thing that's unique to you no no i think it's the first thing most people see yeah and he uh just yeah i owe it all to him he seized yeah true story okay felt like sharon yeah i asked but i think more medical emergency like medical bad things affect a lot of people in good ways. Always. There's always someone benefiting from a tragedy or a disaster. Yeah. Always like a,

a fucking city planner. That's just like, uh, what a fucking eyesore. These. Oh no, no, no.

Oh, if I could just build a fucking underground fountain where these big fucking tall gray buildings are i'd have a real spiky mall the oculus is an ugly fucking mall what does that look like it looks like a like the white rib yeah yeah it looks like a actually a pokemon no it doesn't yes it does i don't care okay but it does look just like a like a caterpillar type pokemon it's like a rib cage it does look like a rib cage what was your first job out of college i was like hired as a designer because i was good really good still am i was hired as a designer before i graduated okay after i got my master's, I was a delivery expert at Hungry Hound.

A delivery expert? What do you mean by expert? I didn't want... I wasn't ready to start my career. You couldn't get a job. I wasn't ready to start my career. I was still... I feel like I sacrificed four years

of traditional college experience to wrestling. So I was like, I still want to live out... So did you turn down job offers? I didn't even apply. I pretended to. What do you mean pretended to? I could have easily because it's a female-dominated field. Early intervention, early childhood special ed, it's like 99% women.

I was in the 1%. I would have gotten a job. They need males in the field. But you didn't apply? No. I wanted to chill on campus. What did your parents think of that? Well, they thought I was applying

and getting rejected. So I got a job at Hungry Howie's, 23 and a half. Hungry Howie's is a... Do you know about Hungry Howie's? Their big thing is flavored crust. And you could go and they were like, what flavor do you want your crust? The pizza part is bad. They should just sell breadsticks.

They should. They should just sell crust. Wait, what are the flavors like buffalo like barbecue crust parmesan teriyaki crust it sounds all lucky charms it's true jesus but my first day like i had to get trained you had to swallow some pride then no not really you wanted to be a delivery expert no because i already was i had experience from jimmy johns when i was 22 so i when i was 23 i was like so i got to hungry howie's and i was just like i man to man i don't need trained i know how you were talking to another man it was it man to man pride man to man it was the man you were talking it was a woman but you don't say man to woman but no he the bot the manager was like you have to do right it's like part of the um

it's required that you do ride-alongs with uh with one of our delivery employees and it was a 16 year old boy so you're you had to do ride-alongs getting taught how to deliver pizzas by 16 yeah i'd like ride in his car in the passengers or in the back you had to ride because he put his pizzas on the in the passenger seat and he was just like yeah like so what like are you planning on going to college oh no so like i had to like follow him up to the door did he like say like stand behind. Did you have a Hungry Howie's uniform on? He was much taller than me. Oh, no. It was bad.

But wait, why were you at Jimmy John's? Why didn't you just stay at Jimmy John's? Because I started my grad program. What does that mean? White privilege. I don't have to work when I'm in school. My parents paid every... All my disposable income was coming from my family.

Why didn't you go back to Jimmy John's then? Because I wanted something new. Hungry Howie's. Hungry Howie's felt like the right move. But in my real job, that was more of like a humbling experience. Blow to my pride. What was? My actual job working in early childhood special ed.

Why was that a blow to you? Because my job was to go to homes in Youngstown to visit these birth to three age kids with developmental disabilities. And their parent was always a mom. Wait, you did make parents singular. It was always, yeah. It was always one parent. Okay. To work on them on their goals.

It was supposed to be a collaborative process. Me, the kid on the floor, and the parent on the floor. Me showing them techniques on how to improve language, gross motor, fine motor. All of that stuff. But a lot of the parents just did what Ebony did to me. Which was? They weren't saying they were similar to her. They wanted to sit on your face?

No. They would just bully me they were they treated me as a babysitter so like they they thought it was an individual one-to-one therapy session with their kids and a lot of the homes were disgusting and you had to sit on the floor like youngstown it's a gross city to begin with and some of them i remember one in particular it was just covered in filth. And I remember I put my, I was sitting on the floor playing with the kid or trying to, and I put my hand down and I was, it was a mysterious mush and it was all over my hand. And I looked, it was all over my shoe and this mush was all over the whole living room. Was the baby covered in mush? And then I was like trying to put the what the fuck is this what the fuck is this mush because it's it's disgusting it was like the consistency of mush is worse than slime oh it is worse than slime and sludge and muck what about grime it's worse than grime but grime is gross slime yeah it's worse than both combined

but so i'm like trying to figure out and it had the consistency of like honey nut cheerios and milk that was chewed up and then spit out yeah that's pretty much typical what it was it's exactly what it was because i looked the kid was chewing the um chewing the cheerios he couldn't swallow because he had some type of throat issue and he would just spit it on the floor like spit milk sludge oh not sludge mush mush cheerios kid spit it was all over my clothes my shoes i have a picture of the yeah i was covered in mush i don't want to see the picture that's just a real downer it was a comedy podcast can you make that funny what did you say when you touched the mush? What did you say when you touched the mush? I probably did.

I definitely let out something audible. The mom was nowhere to be seen. So, okay. I'm the baby. You're you. Pretend like you just

touched the mush. Yep. Sad. That's your reply to what I'm going to say. No, you're just going to say like, no, that's a new untold story. Hey, is that story old or told?

Fuck no, baby. That's a new untold story. A new untold story. It's a fresh, big, untold story I knew I told a story