A New Untold Story - A New Untold Story: Ep. 283 - FICTIONAL CREWS II (St. Patrick's Day Edition) [ft. KenJac]

Episode Date: March 17, 2022

A New Untold Story: Ep. 283 - FICTIONAL CREWS II (St. Patrick's Day Edition) [ft. KenJac] -- What crew of five (5) would you choose to fight with you for Irish independence? -- All-time episode, also available on YouTube -- #AnusYou can find every episode of this show on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or YouTube. Prime Members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. For more, visit barstool.link/anuspodcast

Hey, A New Untold Story listeners, you can find every episode on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or YouTube. Prime members can listen to ad-free on Amazon Music. I knew I told a story. I knew I told a story. It's a fresh, big, untold story. I knew I told a story. You cranking those five pounders? i think these are three pounders no these are five pounders but they've lost so much sand over the years just love pumping five pounders fucking pedo i think i could i think i could do this the this the rest of my life. Would I get jacked if I did this forever? I think you'd lose strength. I think that's easier than just standing still.

Do them the opposite way. Recording in progress. I'm in love with an emo girl. Is that an actual song? MGK made it. Dude, I got a video of you singing it. I know I sang it. I know the words.

I don't know if it was like a fucking actual song that was published and produced. I obviously know the words. I was impressing people who were into that. It was fine. It was fine. What do you mean you were impressing people who were into that. It was fine. It was fine. What do you mean you were impressing people that were into it? People thought it was extremely funny or whatever else when I was doing the karaoke. I don't know.

You're saying they just felt some type of way? It was getting a good reaction, so I kept doing it. I know the words. You said you didn't know the words. I don't know if it's a real song or not. I don't know if it was just like a trend. Emo girl song. It's Willow and MGK.

Nah, nah, nah. Wait, she dropped her last name? I guess. She went all caps as well. Thick thigh. Here, I have... That's you singing it, Kyle. thick thigh you had a karaoke night screaming I fell in love with an emo girl

but it's too I couldn't hear you I got a video of you at a karaoke bar singing emo girl by MGK and Willow all caps no last name and you but it was to the beat of uh what's my age again by blink 182 so you said the cadence completely wrong so awesome no no it wasn't no it was to like the karaoke mashup oh okay so you're singing

i mean i i guess you created a mashup he was an acapella dj earworm yeah like the yeah yes yes did you see uh do you guys follow friday beers on uh instagram i actually know yes they used zinner time and i congrats congrats yeah yeah i mean the majority of people do they have 1.6 million followers your brain is such a national treasure that you your creation ended up on friday beers let's see that's yeah they used one of mine once i think too i forget what I was so Friday beers was a year in front of zillion beers

and so what does that make me if I'm in front of Friday beers I'm the original beers guy yeah I guess so you're like a crow magnon though are you trying to create some type of story around your creation of zinner time no I just want people I'm not trying to create a type of story around your creation of Zinner Time? No, I just want people – I'm not trying to create a story.

I mean, I guess the story – You're trying to give like this crazy, complex background story. You know what he's trying to give? He's trying to give lore. Zinner Time. He's trying to give lore. No, I think the story will create itself because that's how history works. Why?

This guy doesn't look like KV. What is wrong with these cameras uh that's not gonna be like that in the end you're kind of smushed i look like a carnation i look pink well that's your that's your tone brother that's my tone i turned it you know when your your mom always is telling you to watch your tone she meant like the color of your flesh because you were all yeah you almost named you hugh yeah yeah i was all over the spectrum yeah that's why people love ruth bader ginsburg classic rgb um what's today's episode i look weirdly pink though no you know you look

that's no somebody sent me that uh kratom helps settle your skin color. Really? Oh, are you off the sauce? No, I don't. That looks bad. I look like a ballet slipper. Yeah, you do. All right, whatever.

It's a point shoe. No, turn it back on so I can see, Nick. Yeah, we haven't been able to see for the last couple minutes. Yeah, so it's episode 283. How my audio sounding boys it's good as good as well i had a good west virginia moment i met forgot to tell you guys about i was watching um winning time the you know oh yeah makers uh the last episode started off in jerry west childhood in west virginia with his dad just being the ever-loving shit out of his mom yeah yeah that's right like immediately it goes from like like wherever west virginia to just no daddy no like immediately right to that and i just love that impression of your beautiful style well i'm that was a film uh series i don't like that what it's from what from an hbo yeah

it's about the lakers a lot of famous people in it you guys talked to jason clark in the act well it just speaks to the hypocrisy of hollywood why are we are we are we fighting our spouses are we fucking them uh both in this case yeah which one is it okay which one is it yeah i mean no matter what you're doing to your spouse you can do it as long as you're wearing cuts clothing isn't that right boys they're comfortable tech tees are the highest tech that's why they call them the tech tees i suppose i just figured that out the fabric i mean say what you want about uh anything but you can't say that cuts clothing t-shirts fabric won't about the fabric of cuts clothing for 50 to 60 minutes. Yeah.

Actually, next week we're going to do an episode just on cuts clothing. So get ready for that. And it's not a bonus episode. Yeah, it's not. It's just a two hour episode. But you guys can get your cuts clothing at cutsclothing.com story c-u-t-s clothing.com story uh and you'll get it for 15 off and it's the only shirt worth wearing is that right oh boys happy saint patrick's day oh is this coming out on saint patrick's day

yeah you know where i'll be for that what does waxing poetic mean i just used it well we know what it means i was kind of, I couldn't tell you the etymology. Regardless, you shouldn't use that. Wax poetic. I just went to an Italian restaurant, and they were having Tijuana Tuesdays. So I just got a quesadilla from an Italian restaurant. I'm feeling awesome. Are you in Wheeling? I'm feeling off uh i'm in ghana

okay you know that by the way mr beast is making a shrekadilla like it's just a shrek themed quesadilla you see that it's just kind of green i think it's just like a spinach wrap yeah yeah oh a little pesto um but we got ken jack in here today because it's a saint patrick's day special we're doing a fictional cruise which is an original idea that's never been done um it's unlike any other podcast that's been done this our second one and uh the theme today is uh we're assembling a crew uh it's a saint patrick's day theme we or assembling a crew that you'd want to fight for Irish independence with. Yeah. We're building an IRA.

You're waxing poetic about the title right now. Basically it's increasingly verbose. Did you just give the definition of wax? Does that mean verbose? Yeah. It says being over like being increasingly verbose, which sounds more lame than saying wax poetic so wax poetic sounds awesome yeah wax but like i don't know wax is a cool word though there was a rapper named big wax um he was insanely good no that's bad

though because then he had a tourette's bar like not just like a bar that he mentioned tourette's he was he did he actually acted it out in the bar. See, that name is just like, you're asking for trouble. A Tourette's bar sounds like a new Wonka candy. Now one made you burp. This one just makes you say cunt. This makes you say cunt in restaurants. What was it?

Big Wax, I'm the best you know. Then he was like, my float shit got cum face tourette syndrome like it didn't rhyme but it was still sick then he he rhymed um my penis hole when i'm horny with chiquita's whole inventory he was like i'm straight nutty just like my penis hole when i'm horny y'all bananas but i'm chiquita's whole inventory so he is he is a wordsmith like i don't know what he's up to now but he my flow that's a fire line my flow shit got cunt faced or tourette's syndrome i'm straight nutty sort of like my penis hole when i'm horny yeah my flow shit got cunt faced tourette's syndrome i remember being like i

remember being 17 i'm like yeah that's it that's the pinnacle but you see I would just call him if I was his enemy I would just call him whack poetic that's a terrible idea that's a big one that rhymes with whack he's big whack yeah big whack then that's horrible yeah it's even worse that sounds like something a British person would call beating off yes absolutely like somebody from Liverpool having a wank or you're having a big whack his bird's not home so he had to have a big whack so many joneses but only one big why there's a lot of good lines in this these what's the song no i think he holds up too i don't wax goes bananas

he for sure says some gay slurs in it did he run with hobson or no he did not he he pioneered hobson he was before hobson okay inside dude big wax let's hype him up let's bring i don't know if we have any influence but let's get him to the next insider so much she nicknamed me nuva ring that's a great line especially whenever he wrote that and before people even knew what new people were yeah that's incredible now he was a shill for big pussy yeah no big wax god damn these are gonna find him this what the fuck we find big wax i'm where's he from he's from la or cali california i can't stop reading this oh thank you thank you thank you for elaborating on i was confused at what cali no i just signed a wax and a lot of gay slurs in here a lot you were not getting the f slur for sure oh yeah but like but like there's some cues in there oh yeah cues oh

yeah oh there he is oh he's doing well young wax oh no that's not even oh that's different guy he's on twitter He's black now. Wait, was Big Wax not black? Very white. Okay, I got to look them up again. I don't know. Let's drop it, too. Oh, I found it.

Followed by KFC. White makes so much. Yeah. Yeah. That's amazing. Big Wax. Shout out to him. Shout out to him. I hope he's not bananas anymore.

Yeah. You can only be bananas for so long. He's good with his words. He's active on Twitter too. Shit. This is crazy. I'm going to have to do more research on Big Wax later. Is he verified?

Yes. Okay. 50,000 followers. Not bad. Damn, Big Wax. Oh, this dude rules. You know what grinds his gears? Nothing because he doesn't

own a bike or an old-fashioned clock so he's a wordsmith he only oh that's horrible oh no i mean there's so many other things with gears you know what really floats his boat water and i guess any other liquid technically does that guy think cars don't have gears i think so how he fell off that dude has no car when he makes pizza he uses the earth's crust as crust and it serves it on a tectonic plate he's like oh this dude's like a facebook teacher death wish coffee with life cereal call that a balanced breakfast this is what he's saying now? Yes. This is the same guy who did... This is this month. Dude, he rhymed... I'm straight nutty like my penis hole when it's horny with y'all bananas, but I'm Chiquita's whole inventory.

There's nothing better than that. This guy's insane. He's putting his throwaways on the timeline. He's doing that shit now? Dude, that's like something that will go viral on linkedin it just hit me now that for crying out loud is a clean version of for christ's sake this guy like his associated acts as epic rap battles of history that's never a good sign those need to make a comeback i'm big wax wax. You're the I'm the best.

You know, my flow. Shit. Oh, you want to mention the Tourette's line? OK. Yeah. Tourette's syndrome. He rhymed, you know, with syndrome. What if he did an entire song about diseases and disorders?

Like his entire rap was just based on that. Why did I think he was so sick? Because he obviously was. All right. Don't diss him, though. Who's dissing him? who's dissing him if you're listening to hype him up twin brother herbal tea that's amazing yes herbal tea supposed to produce her herbal tea but just the letter t that's amazing owen just sent us do gen z kids still say goody goody gumdrops? What? Is that what he said? Absolutely not.

Oh my god, he's fucking, he's smoked himself to death. He is fucking senile now. That should be like, he should be the poster boy for anti-weed. Oh no. Goody goody gumdrops is like a, what like the kids

are saying now? his only memory from before the age of 2022 is just saying goody goody gumdrops oh my god holy shit what a what a trip yeah we got to get him on the pod yeah we'll get him um Yeah, so Fictional Cruise. Who wants to start? I could, or Owen, or... I think we have a few, right? Yeah. I don't know how we're going to determine a winner. Are you guys ready to fucking podcast?

Let's do it. Come on. All right, let me do... I'll make the list... What do you call it? The random list order thing, that website we use for everything else. Oh, we can just decide.

No, fuck that. No, make it random. Make it fair. I don't have like a theme. That's fine. I don't know if I did it right. There's no wrong way to do it. Well, we'll find out if you did it wrong.

Yeah, Tyler made his as well. Okay, cool. Do any of you guys have Apple Music? No. No, Spotify. I heard that their shuffle isn't actually random because they won't play two of the same artists in a row. So, like, let's say you have a song by Stone Temple Pilots

and you have multiple saves, the next song won't be Stone Temple Pilots. So it's not truly random. It's not truly shuffled. I don't think I can agree with that. I don't know if that's true. Yeah. I mean, yeah. I'll think about that that was interesting yeah yeah no i'll keep that in the back of my head yeah yeah i figured i'd feel yeah i appreciate that yeah got the order i think it's kind of cool i know i like that i would like to keep that in my

the order is tyler me owen nick kb so at least you got back-to-backs then kb what do you mean back-to-backs then, KB. What do you mean back-to-back? Were we going to snake it? Oh, we're doing a draft style? Oh, no, no, no. We're doing them all at once. Okay, perfect. Yeah, pitch them all at once.

That's actually even better. Or I can just start. Yeah, you know what? Yeah, Nick, you start. Tyler, you want me to start? Oh, Tyler's coming in. Okay. I have no idea what the theme is.

Yeah, do you have a mic? I have no idea the theme at all going into this. I was told this at three. So I have three specific people and two prototypes. Okay, perfect. Two prototypes. Any Division III bouncer with a Notre Dame or a shamrock or an Irish flag calf tattoo. So that is actually strong.

That's really smart. Wait, wait, wait. You said a what bouncer? Like a D3 football bouncer that graduated and instantly got like a Catholic tattoo. So aggressive, this person. That is the type of person. The one person I know with a Notre Dame a notre dame logo tattoo kyle you know him as well he's uh an irish kid i guess machine no it's not a gauge machine gauge machine

does has a lot of tattoos but not gauge machine gets keeps keeps getting arrested i feel awful he was a good kid he was my friend he wasn't a good kid he was not a good kid he was cool i was cool with him but he sucked i was as a whole machine family yeah yeah um but no i don't want to say this kid's name because like you could find him and i think he might he has the worst proposal video of all time it's him in like his backyard and uh i just i don't even want him found because i feel bad because i think i think she said yes. But they don't even – like he posted it and like nobody reacted to it. He works – his job on Facebook is that he works in film industry. Like the singular?

Yeah, yeah. In a sense. The – okay, yeah. Do you know who it is, Kyle? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I know. He – yeah, he did announce that he works at film industry. The company.

It's Ohio State. It went crazy. It went bonkers on Facebook. It went local viral. They were like, you finally did it. It was the best. Okay, so that's one person you're having in your foxhole. That's a good one because they're usually pretty dumb.

Yeah. I feel like that's a prevailing thing. All right, what's the next pick? Yeah, they're tough. Yeah. They're tough guys. Yeah guys yeah yeah tyler just run through the uh the tattoos the notre dame tattoo is always if it's the nd it's always on the cash yeah yes it seemed to be the theme anyway all right am i just ripping off five yeah uh second one i had a church-going irish catholic alcoholic specific prototypes but he

has the power with god but you're really showing off where you're from because like you're just yeah you're just telling yourself he's saying yeah yes i was told to make a list i'm like let me just think of specifics uh then i had mark walter did a scribe his own yeah oh yeah but he has to be in character when like in the departed i was gonna say in the marathon all right he's not we're not going against vietnam here we're going against this is against british the most irish version of yeah like when he's playing irish character like when he's super into it uh hornswoggle i would rather i would rather want mark walberg fighting with me in the korean war yeah yeah he's he's just like killing well that's specifically why i picked you down imagine bloodlusted yeah yeah he's straight up

yeah i mean no matter how like he'll just serve 45 days in jail when he gets back he doesn't give a damn doesn't give a shit about a court martial he like didn't he like beat the shit out of like murphy lee because he was he thought he was asian no he beat he beat up he beat up a random asian guy because he knew he was asian yes that was he definitely was sure there's like a dropkick murphy joke in there um hold on wait let me run it back and you can like edit it out didn't he like beat the shit out of murphy lee because he thought he was Asian? Because of his last name Lee? That's right before he almost stopped 9-11.

He drop kicked Murphy. What an Irish legend. Good pick, Tyler. He drop kicked Murphy Lee. He thought Murphy Lee was asian man instead of a black hip-hop musician so he you know he punched him in the face then he like did some other jujitsu moves and he drop kicked murphy no way mark walberg's doing jujitsu no nah he just does jitsu yeah

gentile jitsu yeah catholic jitsu that's that'd be a great studio to open up what's your number three? Four. Hornswoggle, simple. So he was at Rough and Rowdy, and he was a lot when we were there. The WVU player? No. Not Kevin Pitsnoggle.

No, this is the dwarven wrestler. Yes, good idea. Alright, I get it now. So Kevin Pitsnoggle is still on the board good idea. All right, I get it now. So Kevin Pit Snuggle is still on the board? Yes. He's still on the board. God damn, I could... I don't know.

Yeah, okay. All right, you got one more? Yeah, my last one, Red Auerbach. He's a connected old guy. Super Irish. He cheated a lot in the 60s. I'll take him. Who is it?

Red Auerbach. And that's good. Again, I went super relative to what I know. You killed, yes. No, you're really showing off your Boston bubble, and you're lucky that you got that last guy, because I think we were all going to try to get him. Yeah.

What was his name? Red Arbuckle? Arbuck. Arbuck. Who is it again? He started the Celtics. He won like 18 championships. I had no idea what the tone or theme was supposed to be,

so I just wrote five Irish stuff. He was actually in that one-time show too. He was played by Michael Chiklis from The Shield. Looks great. That's like a very solid team. We tried to be Mensa geniuses, and your team is better than us. I guarantee it.

I guarantee it. Bring up Michael Chiklis again, Ken Jack. Yeah, well, Michael Chiklis is playing Red Hourback in the winning time. KB is Chiklis as well. He gets no pussy. KB Chiklis. There you go.

Yeah, you guys must be related. Okay. You have a pussy-less dick. Yeah, I'm Chik'm chickless he's got his own shield which has to be built not physical that's his shield that's his shield that's what we call him too we call him the thing he played the thing in fantastic four michael chickless oh yeah i'm not chickless it's fucking stupid i wish there was a celebrity named dudeless all right i'm up right

uh uh let me go okay all right so tyler's is going to be the best because it's just it makes sense um so i was thinking you're going to war what's the one thing you need when you go to war? You need a gun, child, a lot of a weapon, weapon. You need weapons. So I have a team of weapons. First, I have a good Britney Spears. Britney Spears. She has recently lost.

She's out of the conservatorship and she should be in it. One hundred percent. I mean, like I brought this up a lot. Gay Pat put out the free Britney merch and just to get a merch bonus that greedy fuck. He didn't care one way or another. And there's going to be blood on his hands because she's going to she will kill. But if you look at her Instagram, she's going to distract the British soldiers with her tiny little emoji over her pussy. Because they're going to be like across the battlefield.

They'll be like, how small is her pussy? And that's going to be perfect for like picking off British soldiers. Yes. So we have spears. And then we'll have some knights. You know, the favorite weapon of knights is a lance. So we're going have lance bass yeah and ironically lance bass was the bass voice of in sync and just like having a gay with a bass voice

is a is a conundrum in itself so it will confuse them so just be like hey what's up and they're gonna think he's a man's man and once they the british are very homophobic facts always once they find that out and his bass voice is so deep i think he can register a brown note which will cause disease in the trenches they'll be shitting themselves and it'll it's good for him because it'll also loosen their asses um so the irish are at a disadvantage because there's a lot less of them so they're going to need a cannon they're going to need Nick Cannon

to help reproduce and get way more forces because that dude lupus or not is fucking I don't know if the lupus makes your cum faster I think that might be something. I think he's a more streamlined sperm.

Lupus or not actually sounds like a British name. Yeah, it does. But I think, I don't know how he's getting so many women pregnant at such speed. But he's having Irish twins, which is just kids born in the same year that aren't twins. But like, I don't know if it's a side effect of lupus, but I think his sperm is shaped like a stealth bomber. Like it is the most aerodynamic frictionless. Nick Cannon is insane.

And he is an anomaly. Like I don't get, I don't get his existence. I don't get it either. Cause don't get it either because what's he do? I have no idea. He has shows that kind of fell apart, I feel like. Like how can you – he's always been a host. How do you just get a job as a host? Exactly.

He's just like, all right, I'm going to be a famous host. How? What did he do? He just got it. A couple of things, right? He did all that. And you can't say like drumline like i feel like drumline like that was just like a filler like that was like they like

foresaw that like they foresaw hollywood foresaw people being like why the fuck is nick cannon famous so they gave him the drumline role but yeah yeah. Yeah, like it's the same thing with Miles Teller. I don't think he's a good actor, and he's not good looking, and so they gave him Whiplash, another drum movie. So I think you could trace it back to drum movies. Drum seems to do well. You can keep speaking. That's getting cut, but...

Yeah, we're not going to keep that. Oh, Miles Teller is average. Yeah, yeah. It's the best joke we've had on we're not gonna keep that in um so we're also gonna need some more firepower to fight them so uh we're gonna have a musket which is um it's a female elon musk it's a female Elon Musk. It's a musket. Which is who? It's just, I guess, a less smart Elon Musk. Yeah. He just lost his wife to a trans woman, Chelsea Manning, who was in the- Really?

Yes, Chelsea Manning took Grimes from him. What the fuck? And they still had a kid, though, which is kind of alpha. Yeah, they had a kid, and then this ex-soldier trans woman stole his wife. So I think he's going to become trans and be a soldier to fight back. So it's Elon himself or Harrison himself. Right. But the thing is, there won't be any musket balls if he's trans.

So I don't know. So we're going to have to figure out ammo and so ammo wise he wasn't able to sustain a faithful relationship with grimes the world's richest man lost his relationship grimes wasn't a stand-up girl this is hey mom dad this is my girl grimes i don't know grimes is just did you see when she uh went for a walk with the communist manifesto upside down by accident that's pretty cool actually i don't even know he tried so hard to name their child like like the most like the weirdest name ever and it was still like your, her name is Grimes. No, like your child can be like Hugh Space entered M-5,

but Grimes is still way filthier. Right, because like it's, it is a synonym of dirt. But not really, that's Grime. What is Grimes? You can't use Grimes. It's like a, yeah, like a grammatically incorrect filthy person. That's howime what is grime you can't use grime it's like a yeah like a grammatically incorrect filthy person that's how filthy it is you can't even think there's grime on my tub or whatever you can't even yes uh the next we need a uh torpedo so we're gonna have you did need a

torpedo bad at this point in the draft like it is it's it's uh so it's going to be Prince Andrew ripped in half. He's a he's a he's a it's a it's a torn. It's a torn pedo. But in the past tense, so he's a torpedo. And that's going to that's going to dishearten the British. So he's going to be like a flayed man on each side of the lines. And then I think I think lastly, we're going to need a bow and arrow so it's uh snl's bow and yang uh pointing out the hidden arrow in the fedex logo that's right yeah and that's just a that's just to confuse the the soldiers on the other side

yeah so we're going to be going up with britney spears a musket lance bass bow and arrow nick cannon and a torpedo that's something you would do yeah i would if i'm taking if i'm taken as a pow tell me your secrets just be like all right you have a fedex truck nearby check this out you'll never be able to look at this logo the same again. Graphic designer here, former graphic designer here. Yeah, they actually hid subtly, but not so subtly so you don't notice it at all, an arrow in the F. In the EX. In the EX.

Other than doctor, there's no way to start a sentence saying as a you're in your job it always is like the shittiest thing you'll ever hear you sound smug as fuck yeah you've done this to me many times i remember i wore like a milwaukee's milwaukee bucks like crew neck and you what did you say this is when i first met you a lot of people so a lot of people see that there's a uh a negative basketball in the antlers of the milwaukee buck but a lot of people don't know the buck's neck is the m of milwaukee and that's pretty fun that wasn't as cool as the arrow from fedex no it was no definitely not what the arrow from fedex is but no you could say as a doctor But no, you can say as a doctor

and I think you can say as a podcaster before saying something sexist. Yeah, for sure. Why as a podcaster? As a podcaster, I don't get why the buddy in the new emojis are... The buddy is pregnant.

Did you see that there's a heart fingers emoji now? Oh, yeah. Oh, I didn't see that. I didn't see that. Is that your thing? What did I say? I dubbed that the gayest thing a man can do. Ah, yeah.

Make the heart with his fingers. With his fingers? Okay. There are so many. Having sex with another man is not even mount rushmore of gay things it obviously it really doesn't yeah i would say it legitimately isn't no irony it's the fifth but no there's definitely there's others yeah yeah tweeting lyrics is up there yep yeah telling people how you're doing i guess yeah you're on you're on facetime and you just spontaneously like do a rap verse

when you're at karaoke and you sing an nfk song yeah yeah there's there's there's a list yeah for All right. So as a podcaster, I guess, am I up now? Yeah, yeah. That's my weapons crew. Okay. Great crew, Nick. That is a very strong crew. I didn't have as good a theme as weapons.

Most of mine are just things designed to defeat the British specifically. So it's like venom for the British basically. Cool with anti-British. The sun. The fucking sun. Exactly. So the first pick for me is English. They're a very tough enemy to beat.

I want to pick someone that has more experience defeating English than anything else on earth, and that's the autocorrect function. It's my number one pick. That's right. No one's beaten English back more than autocorrect. Name one person or concept. None. Zilch. I don't know what happened, but when I type Tommy into my phone, it just corrects to Timmy.

And I don't know why. And I just don't fix it. Yeah. I think that's actually better. But then, what did I type dumb yesterday in the group chat, Kyle? And it didn't correct me. I spelled a... Nick spelled gentrification, or no, genuinely,

which is a more common word, starting with a J. So you fought through the autocorrect to spell it genuinely. No, autocorrect didn't even do anything, man. It should have. Isn't that a rapper? I'm pretty sure.

That's genuine. Yeah. It's tough when you accidentally curse in. That's genuine. Yeah. Yeah. It's tough when you accidentally curse in your duck group chats. Yeah. Oh, my God. Yeah, that sucks. It's so embarrassing.

Yo, keep it PG. Yeah. All right. My second pick. You want someone that can beat the crown. The crown is the big problem. That's the number one problem with the British. You want someone that fills in the gaps of your team, and you want someone that's the bane of British people everywhere, and that's a dentist.

Any given dentist will do here. So often they put on crowns. They put on crowns, then they remove them. They can do everything, and they can manhandle a crown. And so the crown soldiers are what we're trying to beat here. So I think it works. I think getting a a dental degree in england is a certificate program like it's it's like a two-week online course it's like

becoming like a lifeguard or astrologist pr yeah yeah yeah you just get it to to fluff the resume a little bit yeah like getting a job at barstool like there there was like a Dave Portnoy of dentistry. Yes. He's like, yeah, you. Well, I think I saw someone once describe Barstool. Yeah, you're a dentist. I think I saw someone describe Barstool once as like a government, like a we work of like Boston general area. Where it's just like, you're doing it as like a federal stipend job.

Like, it's like, yeah, a little bit. to it so like as like a federal stipend job like it's like yeah a little bit no like you know how dave will like see a tweet of like mints like screaming hottie toddy and he'll just like quote tweet it and say hired yeah like if there's like uh like a video of a british person using a toothpick the queen will quote tweet it and just be like dentist yeah it's like pulling the sword out of the stone sidetrack did you were you on the train with a what was the species you encountered the other day oh i saw the rarest person of all time on i was on the amtrak from uh new york to pittsburgh it's just like honestly that it it's a blast first of all if You can't afford a flight. It was more expensive than the flight back by $30.

You're that afraid of flying? Well, the flight's an hour, but it's like you got to get to the airport. This is 11 hours, but it feels like eight. It's great. But I was up at the cafe cart, which the planes don't have. I was up stretching my legs walking. And I was getting a – Was this the 11th or 15th hour? So, yeah, there was an engine malfunction.

To go across one state. Wow. We had to swap engines in Philadelphia. I didn't know they had the equipment. I made it an hour. They swapped engines. But I was up at the cafe cart getting a a goose head ipa which was great um you know awesome planes you know whatever um a very expensive goose extra quack

12 that goes back to the duck group because the goose island is like what a six percenter yeah so the double goose they know what you're saying like this so the all right so the double goose the double yeah it's funny because like when you when you're saying like this so then all right so the double goose the double yeah it's funny because like when you when you're off you can't even say it out loud in front of me was a british amish guy on the train so he had the he had the beard the thing the hair of an amish man the dress the suspenders of an amish man he got on in like lancaster which is very brit uh very amish and then at on in like lancaster which is very brit uh very amish and then at the cafe car he was speaking in a very british accent and he got

two dijono pizzas and he paid with an amtrak credit card so this guy i just i need to be boys for this guy bad but i think that's the rarest man of all time i think he's no longer you're no longer i take a train and have dijono pizza i i wish he was black a british amish black guy you might have just been i mean they speak they speak dutch or something right uh yeah they're dutch you might just have the accent wrong this is very possible he was very british he was very british and uh a british amish person would have the worst teeth ever yeah oh yeah chopping their lung chopping trees down it would just be wood teeth chopping trees yes they're fucking incisors i think it's incest which is probably also true yeah in the amish community seems like something they'd like um so you have what so right now i

i have autocorrect dentists and dentists okay um my next so far this is bad i need to destroy the heart and the will of the British people. Then one of the staples of their food bev, like what would you say like the most British drink is? Drink? Tea. Yeah, it's tea for sure. Tea is the correct answer. It's the beverage they're most known for.

So how do I starve the aisles of tea? I draft someone in my crew that is experienced in destroying tea, Caitlyn Jenner, my number one. Yes. Yeah, that's right yeah she uh she suppresses them which is good in warfare yes and she could kamikaze with her car yes also true yeah and starving them of all their their biggest like national resource which is tea i could see british people pounding shasta cola though too i could too that what, like, Juggalos drink? Isn't that their thing? No, that's Faygo.

It's Faygo. Faygo. That's right. Damn. Shasta's for the elites. I want to give a whoop whoop on this one. All right. My next pick, like I was saying before with the crown, the big thing is trying to, like,

you want to defeat the crown, right? So for me, I want to defeat the figurehead specifically of the British government and the queen herself. yeah and you know she might not have the power but she's the symbol of hope for this aisle of like plain-faced ugly fools so like what's the most effective way to destroy queen having the aids virus on your team so i'm going to draft the aids virus i was i was hoping that was gonna remain on the board when I got to it. The queen, she would wear gloves to shake hands with the people with AIDS. Then Princess Di was just like, nah, I don't need that.

It won't hurt me. And then look what happened. Yeah. Should have worn gloves. Think about this way. Anyone who's ever shaked hands with a gay person is dead or going to die. Think about it. Or an AIDS person, right?

Did I say gay person? You're dead. You're dead. Oh, an AIDS die. Think about it. Or an AIDS person, right? Did I say gay person? You're dead. You're dead. Oh, an AIDS person. That's the case. An AIDS person in this case. For my next pick, what is the mouthpiece of the British media?

BBC. The BBC. Main outlet of propaganda. British Broadcasting Corporation. So we need something to defeat the BBC. And what's better than a heavyset white woman?

That's it. Yeah, she's got to be, yep, yep. She will, she will, yeah, she will take them, take them, and I don't know what it is about heavyset white women, but... I don't either. They, they get pregnant

so easily. Yeah. Almost, yeah almost like faster it doesn't make sense there's like a longer way there has to be some universal trade-off that's you know i don't know yeah it makes sense yeah probably i think they drink a lot of shasta cola it goes back to shasta it's it makes you more fertile so i have more of my in my honorable mentions but that's my thought the autocorrect function, dentist, Caitlyn Jenner, the AIDS virus, and a heavyset white woman. That's enough to wipe

out the British. First of all, fuck the British for Doctor Who, a bad show that's never been good, has been on the air for like 28 years. I think even longer, honestly. Imagine enjoying that. Yeah, that's tough. I think that's been around since literally the 70 people like that has like a cult following still though right

yeah oh is that dr quinn medicine woman i think it's dr that is without a doubt dr oh my god um you know who else sounds British? Felix Grey, boys. It sounds like it would be British. Yes. I forgot to wear them. I told the ad team I would wear them today. I did wear them today.

They must have fell off my face. They're a timeless product, but it's amazing they were only made five years ago. Their lenses filter out 15 times more blue light uh to make screen time uh easy on your eyes and you're going to be sleeping well and you guys can get prescription or on prescription you can go to felixgrayglasses.com story that's f-e-l-i-x-g-r-a-y not f-e-e-l-d-i-c-k-s-g-a-y glasses.com slash story you get free shipping, free returns, free exchanges go to felixgray

glasses.com slash story oh Kyle you got them on oh hell yeah was that one rock and roll hand and one what was the other hand doing no you didn't do two devils.

We're going to have to check the tapes. I will check the tapes. You got to, can you get this? Is this bad? Kenjack, you, that's like drawing a yin yang and peace sign on your binder. It made no sense next to each other, but it's just like,

that's the only two things you could draw. That's the other thing I can't do is like, you ever see people who can do this? Like they can flip these. Like I can't do it at all. Like, like really like, like, no, but like you ever see people who can do this like they can flip these like i can't do it at all like like really like like no but like you can't do that you need to like naturally flip like oh i just can't even think about it makes my head hurt unreal sorry it's amazing how uh how british you guys look after putting on glasses immediately immediately it was fast oh did i tell i'm gonna be a dropkick murphy's concert in boston during saint patrick's

day which is the most irish thing you could do you know that the pure volume of like tap out t-shirts i'm gonna see there like it's a dropkick is a dropkick murphy's concert the exact length of shipping up the boston yeah that's what i said when the tickets are bought i'm like i know two songs i think you're not you're going were like, you saw that there was a Dropkick Murphys concert this year, and you were like, I'm going to go. I need to go. I bet you'll see everybody from Tyler's team except Wahlberg. Absolutely.

Yes. Well, because Wahlberg's performing. Ken Jacks, you have a little bit of curly hair. That might be too exotic for that concert you might get a crime i wear a skull cap the entire time because they'll love that too actually i think you're gonna have to wear like a usa do-rag even better blue eyes matter do-rag i think would fit better here actually what's up with racist people in the punisher logo i don't know and they don't seem to understand they love it and cops specifically with the punisher logo. I don't know. They love it. And cops, specifically

with the Punisher logo, they love it. And the Punisher, the main thing about him is that he hated cops. I don't understand it. Let his wife and family die. Yeah. All he did was kill corrupt cops and he hated cops. Why would you want him to be

your guy? Yeah. There's so many fingerprints on these, thanks to the way Owen May handled them. That's the thing about Felix. That's the best thing about Felix Gray's. You want to touch the lenses. They're buttery. They're fucking buttery. They feel so good.

Like silk at the end of a blanket. Ken Jack, I think that's a good squad. I don't know if they're going to edge out just Tyler's racist Bostonians. I guess I could have just said Bostonians. Yeah, redundant, but... Who's up? KB, you up?

Yeah, I'll go. Save Kyle. It'll be better. Yeah, yeah, let's have Owen go. First off, this is, I don't know anything about Irish or European history. This is,

the Irish faced the British. I think they still hate them. Still kind of are, yeah. In a war for the Irish independence. Yes. Right. It's more like a rebellion sort of deal.

Yeah. There's some, yeah. Is Braveheart about that? This was, yeah, I looked at it's some stat. Is Braveheart about that? Yeah, I looked at it. Is it? That's Scottish. This was like the early 1900s.

This is like still kind of going on? Yeah, Irie is still around. Was it Aringobra? No. What? Aringobra? That was shit gala. It translates in english to i think

something irish independence i don't even think that's right yeah you probably are right actually irish independence translates in mandarin to billy's 18th birthday birthday oh no oh no that's really fucking good I don't think you can fix it damn it Irish independence translates in some cultures to billy billy's 18th birthday

in certain circles yeah at certain court proceedings that has been in the stenographer's notes oh my god And emancipation proceedings. Oh, God. All right. So Owen's up, right? Yeah. I also didn't have like an overarching theme. I sort of approached it like the like build your roster and like quarantine things.

So I started off with someone to just pump propaganda. Wait, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Build your roster in quarantine what's that you remember those it was like five dollars you have fifteen dollars that was i was that took over quarantine yeah yeah i think there was i think there was a barstool one and everybody in this room was in the one dollar column we were we were we were fucking impulse purchases at the register. Yeah, we're cash rap guys. Yeah. We were two for one. We were two for one. We were two for one, dude.

Yeah. Cash rap would be a good rapper name. We got to pitch that one to Big Wax. But that's how I was compartmentalizing this, which is a word I could say. You can say that. So, yeah, I want someone to pump out propaganda. Nobody does social media better than Dr. Umar Johnson

that's very true there's going to be an initial hurdle getting them on our side but I think there was slavery in Ireland at some point I'm sure there was if i may tack on to uh i kind of piggyback on what you're saying i am uh i'm going to florida in a couple

of days to meet with this gone in boxer that's why they were going to try to send me to ghana but now we're meeting in florida and uh work whoever our costuming department has bought me a fucking full dashiki and uh so i'm just carrying it in on a hanger next to me so i'm not gonna go like meet like a boxer and then in a full dashiki i'm sure you would appreciate a lot more if you were just holding it and then asked him sheepishly if you could change into it while he waits no no no i think i'm just going to use this as an accessory i'm just going to hold it oh yeah just explain I'm just going to hold it. Oh, yeah. Just explain to me how embarrassing it would be for you to...

Yeah. Yeah, like, look how goofy this thing is. I'm not wearing this. This thing I'm holding. Will you hold this for me? That's kind of the thing that kind of stinks about Dashikis is that... You know what stinks about dashikis? That I can't wear them.

That would be the best comedian stand-up. No grinds, my gears, about these goddamn dashikis. You guys know when you're wearing a dashiki? Where are my dashiki freakies at? Where they at? Hands up, hands up hands up that's my favorite I love that in a comedic

any comedy show they do that throw your hands up if you did this don't do that if you're a stand up comedian never involve that sort of audience loud luxury try that at Webster Hall read the room Jesus

I did that at my screening of the new loud luxury. No, like, read the room. Jesus. I did that at, at my screening of the new, the Batman. I stood up and screamed really loudly, put up your hands! And everyone didn't

appreciate the joke at all. Oh yeah, I would have hated that. Yeah, no one would actually like it. It's actually a good TikTok, just saying, it's like,

looking over my shoulder during, cut out. Hmm? You can't hear, Nick hear nick oh you hear us uh oh fuck i don't know cut them out cut them out cut them out yeah just in case just in case this persists just like you guys hear me yeah yeah cut them out just in case this persists, just cut him out. Can you guys hear me? Yeah. Just cut him out just in case. Can you guys hear me?

Yeah, can you hear us? Yeah, yeah, yeah, I hear you. Yeah, but just in case. Get rid of him and he can sit out for now. Yeah, just remove him completely. I already said my piece. I already said my piece. But you're going to have to do the last manscape, Dad.

No. All right, get him back on. I refuse. All right, so Owen, I all right so i love those guys to death i know you do um yeah so my first just someone uh just to rally the people we'll go with dr umar johnson uh second uh i need a general do you guys remember the apparently kid noah ritter? Oh, my God. The red or the little... Oh, apparently. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So I'm going to go with his grandfather, John Borowski. Which is available online.

Wait, how is he still available? Which is the steal of the draft. What a drop. Wow, he fell. I love how we're treating this like a draft. It's not at all. Yeah. We had infinite options, but I feel good about getting what I got.

I'm surprised there's no overlap. Seriously. And then third, we're going to get into soldiers, which will be advanced AI sex dolls of Nancy Reagan. Oh, yeah. That's smart. I think I'm just going to suck the soul out of the Brits. Yeah. You're way more tired after a blowjob than you are just actual sex.

It's something, it's something, is there some sort of power transfer? I think, you know how like a lot of people think like cats will suck the life out of infants. Yeah. I think it's the same for women and penises.

Yeah. I feel like that's what I always say. Ever after every time I get a blowjob, I'm like, damn, I'm tired. They always love always love that you do i'm fucking exhausted i'm gassed i always i always i always try to gaslight them into that they're tired yeah like wow you did so good you have to be just so tired the way you the way you were just like just moving your head for 30 seconds yeah you have to be you gotta be beats i'm sorry baby go to bed

um yeah so the idea there was that they just nick is the fuck boy of guys who hate sex from girls he's just like a huge like you know like dick to girls about like having them stop fucking him um so yeah they would just literally always be getting head so they couldn't fight um and then four actually think about this way henry the eighth always be heading so it all works out here yeah he's always be he's always be heading that jerk has legs. Four, I'd probably be pretty lonely, so I'd just say KB. Thank you. Yeah, I was wondering if I made the cut. No, all right.

Fuck yes. I would just love to have my brother in the trenches. And I think I could help from a war standpoint. Yeah. I think I wouldn't be worried. You do. You have a tactical background as well. I watch Mad Max.

Mad Max when the guy's on the guitar truck or whatever oh yeah kb blasting out emo girl the entire time i've never plowing through the streets of london and so many of your just like tendencies are made for like war mode i feel like you got in that groove with like the bison and stuff and like you like getting thank you yeah and that so that'd be great well you you you've always idolized the war boys from Mad Max. Yeah, I kind of have. I'm a Cemetery fan, but no one knows what that means. I want to know what it means now.

Cemetery and Ghost Mountain, I'm not even using this as a put-on. What is it? It's a rap duo. Oh, it's a human. Two humans, yeah. Is Cemetery a guy named Terry that lost his legs? No.

Semi Terry. He wouldn't laugh at that either, no. He's all business with his bar. He's a war boy, not a – yeah. Is he a war boy? He's a war boy. Okay. And then I was just – with my fifth I just wanted to like make it

nice for me and KB so I'll have Ed Sheeran's character from Game of Thrones just sort of singing to us yeah and that's he was in Game of Thrones yeah he had a cameo in Game of Thrones was he crooning in the show

he was singing in the show and you guys still weren't over the show at They didn't put anything on it. And you guys still weren't over the show at that point. You were still holding out hope. That was the last season, maybe second last season. So Ed Sheeran had a cameo in Game of Thrones. So did Chris Martin.

And people were like, the writers aren't letting anything change. And they were like, as Ed Sheeran. Okay. You know, Chris Martin from Coldplay was in Game of Thrones too. Yeah, but he's not as recognizable as – Oh, yeah. He's not as recognizable. I don't know what it looks like.

Because Game of Thrones has a dwarf with no nose and guys with burnt faces. And then you see Ed Sheeran, and you're like, oh, that guy's ugly. Yeah. Yeah, but like the howl of his mouth. That broke immersion. But you could also tell like,

oh, that guy's ugly from the 21st century. Yeah, he wasn't old ugly. He was new ugly. He's new. 21st century ugly. He's neo't old ugly. He was new ugly. He's new. 21st century ugly. He's Neo ugly. I like how you say 21st century ugly as if Game of Thrones

is a real century that happened somewhere. Yeah, you're right. I get your meaning. I can't believe you didn't notice him. It was just him singing at a campfire. It's not that I didn't notice him. I would have noticed Ed Sheeran. He was singing to Arya. Did he get killed? I didn't notice him. I would have noticed Ed Sheeran immediately. He was singing to Aria. I didn't watch it.

He didn't watch. Yeah. Did he get killed? Did he get killed? I don't think so. I think the gift's kind of gone from him. Okay. At least I think so.

All right, so that's the full team? Yeah, that's the crew. Dr. Mark Johnson, AI sex bots of Nancy Reagan, Noah Ritter's grandfather John Borowski KB Game of Thrones Ed Sheeran yeah those guys kind of go hand in hand together

is Ed Sheeran English or is he like Scottish he just became one day I know he definitely he's got that red head West Yorkshire that's about as British as you can get nevermind I think he's got that redhead West Yorkshire. That's about as British as you can get. Never mind. I think he's a mutated Queen Corgi. He could be a Corgi.

Absolutely. I think a canary dropped him off at a cafe in Dublin when he was 22 years old. Yeah. I don't remember anything before. I don't know. What the fuck is his associated axe? Benny Blanco. Yellow Wolf? All right, whatever. All right, go on. Move on. anything before i don't know what the fuck is this associated axe benny benny blanco yellow wolf all right whatever sorry go move on uh my team oh hold on before you do uh how you want to talk

about manscaped well i've been using it yeah what have you been using i've been using the lawnmower 4.0 nope nope they. They're very specific in the copy. This is not an ad. We weren't good enough to have the ad. We're not big enough to have an ad for the Lawnmower 4.0. This is for the wet collection, Kyle. Who gives a... It would still help their fucking product if I talk about the Lawnmower 4.0.

No, they do not. It's the first line. Okay, we didn't... We do not talk about the Lawnmower 4.0. We didn't start the ad yet. I was just mentioning that I use the lawnmower. Is that taboo? It's not taboo at all.

God forbid. Jeez. No. I think it's kosher. No offense, Mark Wahlberg. This ad is we're talking about the Manscaped Wet Collection. You know, the lather. You can lather,

lather yourself on the cologne infused ultra premium body wash with aloe vera and sea salt to keep your skin feeling clean and moisturized all day. That's what I'm talking about. The hair care two in one shampoo. Ian's know what I mean. Do you guys have tattoos or dry skin or both? Definitely one. Yeah. Let's hit your skin with a hydrating body moisturizer

spray i've been using that on my my body mods you know my this canvas of mine oh you hung out with gauge machine recently oh yeah google gauge machine we're not making him up he's a real human you can find him in like some sort of registry yeah um You guys can get 20% off plus free shipping with code ANUS at manscaped.com. That's 20% off plus free shipping with code ANUS. And good on them for letting us use promo code ANUS. Everybody else is cowering and saying use

story. It's an extra letter. Yeah. Yeah. So that's ANUS erasure. Go ahead, Kyle, with your crew okay eringo bra translates in english to ireland in irish independent irish independence translates in mandarin to billy eilish's 18th birthday i got that the roster, okay. So mine is theme. Mine is holiday theme.

How is KB so good off the cuff? And by you doing that, we just lost our improv subcategory. So thanks for that, brother. Mine is holiday themed. Wait, what was that body motion? What holiday was that? The holiday themed. Wait, what was that body motion? What holiday was that? The holiday theme is... That was the whole month of June you just did. Exactly.

No, no, no. Holiday theme. Looking like a group of lions over there. So the first member of my squad... The first member of my squad, well, it's St. Patrick's Day brother. So I'd be damned if it ain't Patrick's gay brother, Jackson Mahomes, as the drummer boy role. Yes. Yeah, that's good. Jackson Mah mahomes they probably think he's cool and no they would not they would not he no they're very homophobic he would be the joke

but strictly from an i'm just like like thinking tactical here from an uh intimidation standpoint, he is six foot six. That's true. Black. Imagine if a 1910s British general saw a six foot six black kid shaking his ass to a Kesha ballad. They would combust like a hay pile. Just collapsing in tears. They would not know what to do.

It would be a rap. Yeah, you're right. Oh, yeah, what else did I have? Let me take another drum roll. Patrick, or Jackson Mahomes is a genetic anomaly. He has this. He has the same genes as NFL stars and Jeffrey stars. Like a like a women's cut.

Imagine if Jackson Mahomes was a prisoner of war in a british camp um they would torture him and he would get a boner and then they would ask him are you randy jackson and he would say uh that's gonna be a no from me dog but they wouldn't believe him because he would still be hard while they were whipping him and torturing him in the war camps. The Chiefs... This isn't Holiday

Feast at all. Randy Jackson is something. And how about this guy? He's always on the fields during his brother's games doing dances and they're obnoxious the chiefs giving him sideline passes is the worst thing kc has ever done to a family member oh are you doing are you doing a roast he is so this guy is so obnoxious him dancing and doing tiktoks is worse than a woman who killed her baby which brings me to my second team member speaking of never stepping on a football field again due to your poor decisions uh the next member of my crew is patrick tillman um

he is the ultimate glue guy he'd literally take a bullet for his teammates and from his teammates. I'm talking about friendly fire, which he wouldn't have to worry about if he was fighting for Irish independence because the only friendly fire in Ireland is girls' vaginas and pussy hair. But we all know Pat Tillman's been a sucker for Bush since 9-11.

How do you think that's like a race? And you might think he was a football star making millions. Maybe. Why would he leave that for next to no pay? That's the owner of the Arizona Cardinals, Bill Billwell. He was a frugal motherfucker. I'll tell you that much. Maybe if he would have paid his cards right,

Pat Tillman would still be alive right now. He wasn't offering Mr. Tillman enough money to be on the team, so he went to the U.S. Army. You can't deny his athleticism. Oh my god. So,

but, I know you're thinking he wasn't that great of an athlete. He was only the 260-something pick of the NFL draft. So, yeah, his career got off to a rocky start, but it also ended. It also, his, it was a rocky start to his career, but it was an Iraqi end to it as well. Because he died in Iraq, on the soils of Iraq, by his own fellow soldier. Patrick Tillman. Pat Tillman. his own his own fellow soldier um patrick tillman pat tillman pat tillman the original roast of tillman was in 2004 ladies ladies and gentlemen pat tillman uh he didn't have the best of luck with bullets. But conversely, the next member of my crew, well, folks, some might say he's the number one with a bullet.

And that's obviously Fallout Boy frontman Patrick Stump. Patrick Stump. Oh, God damn, Kyle. front man patrick stump patrick stump um god damn kyle yeah this is when i stopped thinking of jokes but patrick stump uh he uh he might be like the only successful and incredible rock star that I think I could steal a girl from. He just looks whack. And I looked at his Wikipedia page and his birth name was Patrick Stumpf.

Stumpf. Which isn't a lead up to a joke. I just thought that was interesting. He changed his name but he didn't change it away from Stump. He went from Patrick Stump. He changed it anyway. Patrick Stump. Stump sounds terrible.

Stump's not particularly good either. He was changing his name anyway. Why didn't he make it something else? I don't know what it would be though. He dropped the H like he started suboxone so that's Patrick Stump

I would just want to hang out with Patrick Stump yeah that would rule cause like every girl knows Sugar we're going down and they're going to build it out and he's the number one bullet he's the number one with the bullet if there was any nukes he'd be the best fallout boy you could possibly want for me that's exactly right it all works out uh i think was it fallout boy that had the video with the the guy dressed like a deer getting hit by yeah that was uh that that was Sugar, We're Going Down video, right?

I've never even watched the video. That video was weird because it was a boy with antlers who liked this girl. Oh, yeah, I have watched it. And the dad wouldn't let the boy date the girl because he had antlers. Yeah, which makes sense.

At the end of the video, the dad gets hit by a car and you see that he has deer legs. And so that's just like a video about incest yeah kind of like that that like that that yeah kind of at least a little bit it's like i was on his wikipedia page and they said one of the tidbits was stump lost 65 pounds when Fall Out Boy went on hiatus due in part to asthma and pre-diabetes, with which he was diagnosed. Patrick, are you hungry? Nah, I've been short of breath all day. He's just wheezing all the time. Dude finally got a diet inhaler.

Should have joined Weezer, actually. Oh, my God. got a diet inhaler should join weezer actually oh my god that was amazing you need another team member don't you um yeah a lot of people forget like who who which which a celebrity is synonymous with being a big, tough, strong Terminator. Arnold Schwarzenegger. Arnold Schwarzenegger. I'm glad you guys all knew exactly what I was saying. Yeah. Without even having to say. Arnold Schwarzenegger.

He has a son. He does. Yeah. He has a 28-year-old son. Do you guys know who it is? Patrick Schwarzenegger. Okay patrick shortzenegger okay patrick shortzenegger i didn't know anything about the son he has two he has the other one too right yeah i i don't like did you guys know about this guy he doesn't seem like he'd be the son of

arnold shortzenegger he kind of looks like, I don't know, dumpy. He looks like a little bitch, kind of. Agreed. But he has Arnold's genes. Ladies and gentlemen. I'm done with that act. Patrick Schwarzenegger, like, mixing in Tums with Mace Chips. I did not. Patrick Schwarzenegger mixing in Tums with I did not know Patrick Schwarzenegger.

I'm Tumming. Did he date Taylor Swift? He dated Miley Cyrus. I've never heard of this guy. Did you ever see his son? He's a much worse version of Chet Hanks. He was a USC dropout. He was in Lambda Chi. He tried to be

an actor. He was in Bench Warmers as a kid. That failed. He modeled for Ralph Lauren. Did you ever see his other son, though? The illegitimate kid? Ladies and gentlemen, this man, in contrast to his father, probably never even touched a weight. This guy is a little twig.

Oh, I thought he was gonna be fat his father must have been so disappointed and you know arnold was addicted to the the weight room his hands were always calloused um he probably didn't respect his son who had the smoothest, daintiest hands in the world. Never even touched a weight. He probably had him carry his groceries for him. You have the cadence of the Joker right now. He probably

made his son jack him off. Because his hands were too calloused and his son hands were too smooth. Ladies and gentlemen, his son was the Arnold Palmer. He did all the hand tasks for his father, his calloused hands father. You're so dumb. What else?

So wait, why do you want to what a what a bloodline this man comes from we all know about his father the terminator the kindergarten cop um what about his mother maria shriver maria shriver and you know who she's related to the Kennedys the Kennedys so he has presidential genes ladies and gentlemen why wouldn't you want him on the front lines in your squad that's right god damn makes you think

he is funny though I would like to know more about him you think he even gets a media pass for the arnold classic like uh imagine if you showed up like he would get kicked out too skinny too skinny he'd kick i'd go to bullwinkles get a blow job from a sophomore from hilliard darby that's a niche one yeah ladies and gentlemen speaking of sloppy head this man was related to jfk he was related to jfk he was uh the great nephew of john f kennedy what a clinic what a clinic. What a clinic. Gentlemen, that's Patrick Schwarzenegger, the fourth member of my Patrick's. I don't have a favorite.

That's fine. I had like notes that said Patrice O'Neill sounds like he should be Irish, but he's in fact not. Dude. That was a master class. That was unbelievable.

I was trying to put together an onomatopoeia team and all I had was Bam Margera and Chief Wahoo. But I think those two going in. You got Bam and Chief Wahoo. Chief Wahoo needs brought back. But then I was like, Wahoo is, I don't think that's an onomatopoeia. I think it is.

No, yes, it is. I would say it is. Okay, thank you yeah that is that's one of the onomatopoeias along with bam i almost picked a mark david chapman beloved killer of brits you could put him in like a suicide squad situation arguably the most experienced at killing british yeah my god so i was going uh i was thinking of uh diseases that were good against the british and i was going to do the bubonic plague but it was just going

to be me with titties just me with huge jugs going in there oh my god so kyle you you won that that was you just wrote a roast that was i'd rather do a roast that was like a normal that's your calling i hate irish and british people so much i was just couldn't have possibly you know what I'm surprised you didn't pick I wrote this down

because I was like I think Nick's going to pick it so I'm just going to put it in my back pocket I was going to say you need a human shield to defend yourself from any British attack someone that's near and dear to their hearts right? so you take the staple of the British breakfast Stephen Anthony Lawrence in brown face with brown beans hearts right yeah yeah so you take the staple of the british breakfast set stephen anthony

lawrence in brown face brown beans i was shocked you didn't pick fuck i was trying to bring that back i was trying to go with pinto beans somehow go with horses that was unbelievable that was a master class right there that was that was unbelievable that was so. That was a master class right there. That was unbelievable. That was the funniest thing I've ever heard. Oh, that's really funny. Holy shit. Kyle, you roasted Patrick Tillman. Yeah, that's a really long roast. That's like the woke move, which I didn't want to do.

But like the 9-11 20th anniversary, like people or whenever his death anniversary is like the wokes on twitter will be like yeah let's not what we're not gonna do is hype up this man who didn't do anything i wasn't allowed to be patrick tillman in my living legends project really it was offensive they said it was border like it was too controversial edgy i hate that like uh so i went with jim abbott and i had my arm in my sleeve oh yeah that's the guy with the yeah yeah yeah you do a good impression of him imagine being his no i feel bad like pat tim he's a legitimate hero like a matt look what he did yeah yeah

imagine like his family like seeing people like talk shit on him i'm trying to think of there's gotta be another airstrike not me but it was an airstrike that killed tillman right uh i think it was a gunfire it was yeah yeah not not as easy to make puns about or maybe i don't know i think kyle just did it for 10 minutes yeah it's true Yeah. Yeah. Not, not as easy to make puns about. I don't know. Kyle just did it for 10 minutes. Yeah, that's true. 10 straight minutes of friendly fire jokes.

Oh man. Anything else you guys want to add? Fuck man. It's hard to follow that up. Where do you, are you going to where? Miami? Yeah.

Fort Lauderdale. Fort Lauderdale. No, Iale now i'm going um sunday tell kyle you miss him so i do miss him like crazy i've been texting him i know i get it just like i don't know no it does suck but i'm glad i just seem like i'm glad it seems like you're happier than ever it seems like you're like no i'm not happiest i've ever seen you. Shut the fuck up. I was just miserable in the office. That's fair. I like how you have the grown-up version of what every kid has, with the map behind your room, or behind you.

This actually isn't my room. It looks like a basement. Yeah, this is the grandma suite. Ah, yeah. Makes sense. Wait, yins don't have a grandma suite? Kyle, I know you don't. Yeah, my grandma's dead.

Yeah, I have a grandma suite. It's called Peppermint. It's a Necco wafer. Yeah. Oh, man. That was unbelievable delivery. I just told Norm yeah his cadence when he did like the fake one it worked perfectly rest in peace to norm that was that inspired me yeah um all right that was uh a new untold story thank you ken jack thank you tyler thank you owen

uh and for me and kb, I'm trying to copy what Jeff does at the end because it sounds good. For me and KB... From him, it sounds good. Yeah, it sounds way better. For Kyle, and I'm Nick A. Teraney, this is a new untold story.

All right. You make it sound like an Arab name or something, like I'm Nick A. Teraney. Well, you got to be careful with it. It's close. That was incredible. That was incredible. That was really, really good. That's your reply to what I'm going to say.

No, you're just going to say, like, no, that's a new untold story. Hey, is that story old or told? Fuck no, baby! That's a new untold story. A new untold story. A new untold story. It's a fresh, big untold story. A new untold story.