A New Untold Story - A New Untold Story: Ep. 284 - Doug Wanoy, Fictitious Pickleball Troll

Episode Date: March 25, 2022

|| A New Untold Story: Ep. 284 - Doug Wanoy, Fictitious Pickleball Troll || Nick & KB discuss their travels for work— Ghana, Wheeling, etc; a look into genetics, the fine art of internet trolling, volunteering with special needs children, weaponized baby crying, defining flat, march madness, general podcasting, & much more || Full episode also available on YouTube || Thanks for watching/listening! #AnusYou can find every episode of this show on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or YouTube. Prime Members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. For more, visit barstool.link/anuspodcast

Hey, A New Untold Story listeners, you can find every episode on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or YouTube. Prime members can listen to ad-free on Amazon Music. untold story. A new untold story. It's a fresh, big untold story. A new untold story. A new untold story episode. I'm getting this right. 274. Is five 275 it is 284 284 jeez where does the time go and on ghana time i've been on that i've been on Ghana time. I've been on that Ghana time, dude. I still think like 20% of people think I was actually in Africa.

Just flew to Africa. Including me. Yeah, yeah. I just realized how selfish I am. I only care about myself. Because I never even thought about what you were doing for the past two weeks. Yeah. Yeah.

I don't even think you knew I was gone. Yeah. I thought you may have been in Ghana. I don't know. Yeah. You were training a – I spent three, four days. This is organic.

I haven't asked you about what you've been doing. No. You were training a Ghanaian? Is it Ghanaian? I don't even know. You tell me. You were with him. He didn't is it gone ghanian i don't even tell me you were with him he didn't speak a lick of english he couldn't even say ghanian i wouldn't know what do they speak french uh some of them speak twi what twi okay so he spoke a little but like i was just like well what i was talking to like his coach, I was like, well, what language does he speak? And he's like, all kinds. I'm just like,

but it was, it was an interesting couple of days, which is me and him. It's Rone went out to San Diego to interview and like do a video with, um, with, uh, what's his name? Ryan. He's a Garcia, Ryan Garcia. Who's like world famous. He's got like a boxer. He's a Garcia. Ryan Garcia. Who's like world famous. He's got like a boxer. He's a boxer with like 8 million followers. He like transcends boxing. Like he's just an household name.

And they sent me to interview his opponent who you'd think would be somebody who's just as big, but he was posted an Instagram story. Yeah. He asked me to fight like sparring with him. I was like, that's fucking sick. Good for Nick.

He asked me to tag.. I was like, that's fucking sick. Good for Nick. He asked me to tag him. I looked at his profile. 800 followers. 800 followers. He had just... And that's the guy he's fighting. But the dude asked me to tag him. He was a really sweet guy.

He showed me his handle, so I tagged him. He didn't follow me back. No. I let him kick my ass. I took him... It was just the dude's like 33 years old do with it that's a great question so do you have a translator no he only came here with himself he has would you cory the camera at the press conferences you can see like ryan garcia has a team of like 20 25 guys guys. My guy came with nobody.

What's his name? Emmanuel Tago. Let's get him famous. Yeah, follow official Emmanuel Tago. Oh no, shit, he has 2,000 followers. Yeah, Nicky tagged him. Nicky tagged him. A little bit less than tech guy Andrew.

He's on the up and up. But he was a really sweet sweet man you could tell um after you like i think that the janitor like the one of like no the one of the cleaning ladies yes one of the colombian ones has 2900 so he's almost we're gonna make him big he didn't have an instagram i don't think before this fight you said he was he's like huge and in ghana he said he showed me a picture of like a video of him like just being carried around like on like prince zertsi's like throne and like just in in like to like run errands what do you okay yeah so yeah he's yeah and everybody was going

crazy like yeah like like 5 000 people just watching him train but like here uh i mean you could like a relative unknown so i think he was open to like he probably fucked yes jules from the back i don't know he's yes jules it's a deep cut maybe yeah he he was like yes jules is like i don't even know how to describe her, but she's a white girl who is just famous. Oh, okay. She's one of those ones that just spawned as... Is she the one that speaks in Ebonics?

She does, and I think she tweeted once, Ghana is a whole vibe. Oh, 100 emoji. So you were expecting people to get that reference. I think people will. She's... Did you guys get that? No.

You guys didn't get the, yes, Jules, Ghana is a whole vibe. I tried this joke like once every season. How often do you have the chance? Three to four times a year, I'll slip out of Ghana is a whole vibe on one of our shows. And sometimes like one person will dm me like hey i got that wasn't funny but i got it and i was like worth it i mean that person is like in in my shoe like i half of it it wasn't funny and i didn't get it but now that you explained it that's what i'm saying one reference. One good joke is all we fucking need

to get the people talking. Yeah. I guess, I guess if somebody is not a fan of us and then they listen to something and they hear a joke that really resonates with just them, it feels like you're just speaking to them. Yes. And I guess that's how you, that's the beauty. That's how that's why you have the diehards. I had diehards yeah um but this guy not not in the u.s like he did not have so you went and did what with him that's a good question again um i was there for three days the first day i was just for me to like watch him train and he didn't speak too too much english it wasn't too strong and they were like so the first day's got like a straight up interview you just got to interview them and

i tried to um and there was a little bit of a language barrier but then his manager pulled me aside he was like he really opens up to people through dance and like yeah like so in ghana like dances that might be their official language is dance. So like the entire three days just on loop, we listened to this song called Malafaka, which I think translates to motherfucker. Oh, they have a very similar language. Maybe so. And so what I had to do was just like,

I spent three days dancing with him. So like, you can see like, this is a little behind the scenes. And like, but I was with our director director cory who has him or to him i danced to him and he danced back okay but like we didn't have any speakers so like we were just filming without any music and so it's got the music's going to be added in because we don't know if we get the rights to Malafucka. And that's the only word in the song, too. Just Malafucka. You know those posters that are like hello and goodbye in different languages?

Yeah. We should make them out of US, Ghana, and Fleming. Motherfucker, Malafucker, and Motherfucker. The periodic table of motherfuckers and i think i think i have um the song somewhere it was hard to find but cory would have me just like dance with this guy in different places and his nickname i'm spoiling the video but that's that's okay his nickname is game boy so i had this whole like video game spiel prepped and so we had an arcade um and i was like prep like pokemon crystal references i prepped like pokemon fire red leaf

green because i thought that would probably be like what's new in Ghana and and that could I don't get that shit that shit just dropped out there that's a very dated Pokemon game yes yeah Ghana just got no

really that's like that is that true that's the joke oh no no no, no, no. I'm just saying things like catch on later there. Oh, they just got size cover of Ghana style. Yes. You're exactly right. Yes.

Yes. Now look at the camera. Look at the camera. Yeah. Look at the camera after that one. So so Pat Tillman. No. So we had prepped this whole thing of like, all right, you're going to like give him a gift to like show like your appreciation for him. So they gave me this custom barstool game boy to give to him.

And he just he and they put my face on the back of it. Hold on, we'll flip it. They just put my face on the back of it to this guy? It's kind of sick. And I gave it to him. He had no idea what it was. He does not like video games

and has never heard of video games. And so we're at an arcade. I give the Game Boy a Game Boy. But he was a really nice guy. I could say that. He was excited and he wants to grow his presence in the US. But it was just like there was this language barrier that I had to get across.

So we had to dance. We had to play arcade games. We played Halo. And then I was trying to teach him how to like to shit talk a little bit um and so i was just like all right tell ryan that you're gonna kick his ass and he was like ryan you're gonna fuck my ass and i was like no no no no no no no and it was pretty funny uh but like towards the end we really warmed up and i think uh it's going to be pretty heartwarming uh if anything i'm pumped for this yeah we'll see we'll see how it goes it's for the

best that he spoke no lang uh no english i did pull i'm like spoiling this whole video but i yeah don't want yeah yeah so don't like the i don't think we're gonna i don't think we're gonna have too much of a crossover but um like i we went to like have uh he really liked shrimp so we went out to get some shrimp in miami never eaten shrimp never you think they were mine i've never once had shrimp and so i had my first had shrimp i had my first shrimp with this ghanaian man emmanuel and he was like in ghana we don't peel our shrimp. And so he got it unpeeled. And so my first shrimp experience was all unpeeled shrimp, legs and all. Not great. I didn't know how to peel.

But I did tell the hostess that it was his birthday. And I just said it right in front of him. I didn't even have to whisper. It's a crab place. And everybody, like, they're like,'re like all right everybody slam your mallets you know the big mallets you break crabs with slam your mallets on the table it's emmanuel's birthday and he's looking around i'm like and they brought him out like cheesecake and i like was like this to him and so then he caught on and out they were like is it it's your birthday right and he's like yeah and so he lying is i think across is all languages pretty easy lying is universal lying is universal yeah they're like scam artists in ghana are they yeah how so that's their industry

their biggest export is scamming i think it is i think i remember seeing like a vice video they scam yeah yeah but he uh yeah and then he he was ashamed that none of us were married but he wasn't either but it's like it's a huge like there's you're called a kenny and he was calling all those kenny's if you're not married after like 20 yeah that's okay yeah because we were relative to life expectancy i guess we were with a girl that we work with named tara who was uh she's great she like does all of our scheduling and she was like doing all the waivers the planning getting all the all the the rights and footage and uh he found out she was 27 and didn't have any kids and i thought he was going to have a heart attack yeah he flipped that is weird arranged marriages are

still a thing and they're the most common marriage aren't they yeah i think if you know that you have to be with this person then i think you just i think it works i think yeah i think it does work yeah i think it's like the same as like people from Ohio. They just, it's something about Ohio. They just, they'll, they'll marry the first person who they can. They, it's not the first person they fuck though. I think it's the first person that like, it was weird. It was, it's exclusively an Ohio thing.

It's not Pennsylvania or West Virginia, Kent state. You go from your freshman year for girls. You're a freshman, your sophomore year, you're a freshman, your junior year, you're a freshman, your senior year, you're, you're 37. Yeah. That's it. Then it's crunch time and they all like find their, then they get married at 23. I think what happens in Ohio is if you're with your girl and she gets like that bar eyebrow piercing at a piercing pagoda, when you're with her, that bonds you. I don't know in Ohio. Is that a, yeah. Like, it's like that, that, that the trashy piercing that they all have. If you understand.

I think I do. Yeah. Let's pretend like I just brought up the shrimp. I had shrimp for the first time. That's insane. Yeah, and I'm going to get some more from HelloFresh.com. HelloFresh. These motherfuckers, and I love them to death. Yeah, you do.

They're trying to get one by us here. They added a movie rating. We have a movie rating system to our ads now, and I don't know if that's exclusive uh the bad boys of ad deals which is the lamest thing to say yeah it says brand safety that hello fresh gave us a pg so we can do pg rated content then they they made sure to include specific recipes beef tenderloin and cheese fondue or miso sesame shrimp and bacon ramen because you kept saying like curry box which isn't you were saying curry but i think i've

followed your lead i would never say curry box is my first go-to food okay and of course i had the ad you do too though is what you don't know hello fresh um wait a minute pg is like shrek right so you can sneak like adult things into like, you just have to like, remember like in the Little Mermaid, like the priest that was marrying Eric and Ariel, I think he had a boner. So maybe if I have a little boner while you read the ad, I think that's how we have to do it.

Okay. That's good. We don't have to do that. No, go ahead. Read the ad. Okay. good we don't have to do that no go ahead read the ad okay uh hello fresh delivers pre-portioned ingredients to your door one second tyler and if you could pull up that priest boner and little mermaid to show that i'm not like a side by side by side yeah because i'm doing it exactly there was a priest boner and little mermaid yeah hold on i don't understand how people remember like

specific scenes from Little Mermaid. Well, you're going to remember the priest boner Little Mermaid. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Pinocchio wears women's thongs in Shrek 1. See his little pecker? Oh, that is

an observable boner. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So you keep... That movie's rated G. Okay, so G, you can do boner. You can do veiled boner. So what can you do in PG? PG. What?

Wait, hold on. So if PG is a... If G is a veiled boner... Can I just... Can I pull out my... Can I show my dick hole? What adult jokes can you

make in PG movies? I mean... Okay. Donkey, when he says, do you think he's compensating for something Lightning McQueen got flashed with headlights HelloFresh

is actually legitimate yeah go to the grocery store sucks if you're in New York City it's impossible if you're anywhere else it's impossible. If you're anywhere else, it's costly, inconvenient. You got to drive, park. Yeah.

Keep going. Not with HelloFresh. You skip all that. You stay at home. You don't waste any money. It's delivered right to your door. That's right. When you get Uber Eats, you're paying for that delivery fee.

You're paying for that convenience. With HelloFresh, you're saving money. It's less than a trip to the grocery store, and you're not moving. You're staying at home. You can say damn, and you can show brief, brief nudity like butt crack. Okay. Noted.

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and three free gifts. HelloFresh.com slash Story16. We love them to death. Not to be confused with the Chinese vert. Never mind. Wait, I'm trying to think. It's a young Miami

Heat star is getting his skin inked up. That's a website. He got some new ink.

He's always getting tatted. Oh, no. Yeah, that's what we've always said, Kyle. All right, I need to bring something else up. One. Well, first off, you're rich. Your basement is a lux apartment. Not really.

With an incredible view of Wheeling. Not rich, but... uh okay you've been axel webering us yeah okay my basement play the angles that's a kitchen in the basement look he has a gazebo outside with a like a swing and it's overlooking you know what you have to do you know what you have to do to be rich in west virginia have less than like eight kids and that's it you can be addicted to things yeah there are addicts with much bigger houses at addict at yeah yeah there's much bigger addicts addicts yes exactly theys. Yes, exactly.

They have like two or three of them. Also, I mean, I live in a decently nice neighborhood that Kyle's not used to. I almost got the cops called on us because here he is just having the car alarm go off as soon as he gets to my house. I mean, I was purposely letting it go. No, you weren't. Look how frantic you are. You took a video? Yes. Where do you think the sound was

my dad's car i caught you in a lie speaking of your dad did you guys see this oh the facebook post if you guys go to the pickler.com which is the official it's the biggest it's the biggest pickleball website in the world my My dad is pretty much retired. He's just trolling Facebook groups. His dad's trolling non-stop around the clock. Can you send them the link? Has he sent it to you guys?

Let me see what I got. It's thepickler.com and then search for the article The Pickleball Troll. The first line. If you spend any time on pickleballs, various, if you spend any time on pickleballs, many Facebook groups. Yeah. You'll find posts by Doug. Oh my God.

When Noah is a frequent poster who appears to be a gray hairedired man living in jersey city new jersey and an average recreational pickleball player but the quote-unquote doug winoy you don't you see doesn't exist the man who created doug winoy is a is greg and he's a 61 year old pickleball player who lives in western pennsylvania near pittsburgh this is a picture of kyle's dad dude he does it non-stop doug winoy is a is a fictitious pickleball troll when i he gets 455 comments on like his his posts in this pickleball group like more than i've ever gotten on a barstool blog i didn't even know what a troll was until my night my 29 year old son told me. Greg told the pickler. It's his post.

Oh, my God. You know, like, the people, like, I don't know, are they Russian, Asian, gone in? Yeah. They try to get you to buy an Amazon gift card. Yeah. He gets a lot. He responds to them, like, pretending to be a little boy. What's his name?

It's one like Peggy Wilson. They're like, are you there? He says, hi. She says, how are you doing? He says, great. School was canceled. 61. She says, oh, okay.

So what will you be up to? He said, my older brother and I are going to play Grand Theft Auto. You can tell me 61. Wow. That's awesome. What are you doing now? And we're going to order pizza. My mom gave us a debit card watching Sopranos. She says, can you help me get a gift card from the store? He says, how's

I couldn't tell if he was trying to be five or like like 19 yeah can you go to the store now he says we live close to a walmart okay so you can can you go there now he said yeah what do i do there do you have some extra cash with you he says no my mom has some in her purse though about 175 about 175. She says, can you get 100? Should I just take it or ask my mom? He just keeps going with that. My mom will wake up. I don't know.

How did he get the name Doug Wanoi? Your dad, Greg. Greg said that when he's on the pickleball court he's really nothing like his doug wanoi creation i'm as low-key as you can be on the court he said it's 100 true too and the last line the year-long joke he said is about to run its course i'm near the end he said that's the most that's grim as fuck yeah he's talking about he's gonna die he's not talking about he's retired he's never gonna retire from trolling but like he's trolling like isn't he like he's in like snake identification groups like posting like

very deadly snakes yeah like it's holding them in his backyard he finds like pictures from like south africans holding like whatever their venomous snake is oh my god he calls it poisonous and it pisses them oh yeah because it's venomous that would piss me off a guy like me a douchebag i suppose dude i saw that because i read the pickler like pretty much every morning and uh dude the picture of doug winoy is a fictitious just like that screen cap that says doug winoy is a fictitious pickleball he does this every day like he i think he he's at the point in his career where he doesn't even have to go to the office so he pulls into like books a million oh uh and he just uses the wi- and just does that all day. And he just trolls like a blue post. His,

did he learn from you or did you learn from him? Cause these are very, very similar to like your Craigslist trolls. And he is, he's illiterate. My dad has the spelling and grammar skills of a second grader with ESL, like someone who just moved like a Ventura, California, Hispanic kid

who's in second grade he does all but I can tell he uses like decent words so he's like the research process he has to do to like he has to like crowdsource words he's like just so he can do these troll posts wait does he ask you for like synonyms to things? I guarantee you he spends eight hour shifts on this. Yeah. I mean, you can tell because these are like really long and thorough. We'll have to post the link. It's so unbelievable.

So my family group text is like me doing what I do. My dad's sending his trolls in and my, my sister who works in, she teaches deaf and special ed kids. Oh, that's tough. That's tough. Deaf on top of special ed,

but like, I don't want to say it. You can laugh. Oh, no, wait. I just like, she's 4 11 like 100 pounds and this one girl is 22 and just death death death severely autistic wallops her routinely we always get texts again like she fucking clocked me in the face. Today, I don't know if I can say this.

This might be a HIPAA violation, but... Speaking of special needs, while I've been in Wheeling, I was at a special needs drum circle. Yeah, you sent the picture. I sent the picture and video. You sent the picture. You were in a drum line or circle. It was an African drum circle.

In the special needs group with with people who were observably part of that group yeah and i wanted to post it so yeah i went to i mean i was in town i just went and i went to eventbrite.com and just saw what was going on and there was an african uh african drum and dance special needs circle going on and uh yeah yeah they were naturals yeah they were good but they were they were not deaf so adding that extra that is yeah so this wait no do you know she's having a fit or like just our crazy girl she could be like a if she's having like a fit she could be like a probably be like a like a sign interpreter for like an auctioneer

i didn't want to say that at all i didn't want to say that at all no she's a she's like one of like the like the realists in the death community like i know i'm not gonna get my point across i won't even try she's just physical okay she's like i'm at urgent care she's an urgent care your sister the crazy girl attacked me today she slammed my head into the wall and headbutted me over and over. Everyone wants me to get checked out. My head hurts so bad, but I think, I think it's funny at all. It's not. It just, it was, it was a, it was an eye opener because I was doing that one that could have been my

life. Yeah. Now I'm doing this. So it, it, it feels good to be in the position I'm in. That's right. When you want to like complain about the stress of our job. Yeah. No, you're definitely, you're definitely right. I don't, she's an inspiration. Yeah. And there was a point in time when we were both working in special ed

and had black significant others. Your significant other was not black. So everyone was just. Your significant other is not everyone was like this they have a type all right all right your significant other wasn't black you you you she was like a quarter black yeah half culturally white culturally white okay Yeah. You guys, you guys, you and your sister look alike went to the same fields and have the same

taste in and others. Yeah. And then your dad's genetics, this is just proved that genetics is true. It's real top to bottom. And your mom worries about everything and she's in this group. What, what, what does she, you're back home for the first time in a long time too. And they're home. How's your mom? Has she said your hair is too long?

She hasn't seen me yet. She hasn't seen you yet. Are you going to see her? I don't know. You don't know. What's Biz doing? Fuck this. Yeah.

We got to go. We got to go up and see the chick. Let's call him. You have his number. No, I don't have his fucking number. Let's see what we can get him to do. I was listening to the podcast when they announced that,

uh, we were doing this thing with them and he just didn't remember our names that's that can't be true what's his number i don't have his number i think he respects us i think he does too but in person facially yeah not name he is a buffoon yeah i think he's had 200 concussions so it's what yeah what, yeah, I wouldn't expect. Do you have Biz's number? I might. There ain't no way. No results.

That's a big old no results. He's typing all kinds of iterations of his nickname. I didn't say that. He's texted me before. Yeah, but that's why we're back in Wheeling. We're doing a video with the Chicklets. The Wheeling Nailers are doing. They're not retiring his number, are they?

It's just like Paul Bisson that night. I don't know what it is. Yeah. I think it's a Hall of Fame induction, but it's arbitrary. I think it's just an excuse to, you know, to ride our coattails. Exactly. Yes. What's our second ad and what's it rated?

Exactly. He's got a video ad on. What's our second ad and what's it rated? Cuts Clothing rated PG-13. These ratings are insane. They implemented a rating system. Oh, it's rated PG-13. That gives you one F word.

Oh, gross, dude. You can see the account size. What? They rate how big the deal was, I guess. Oh, no. Oh, no. I don't like that. I think it was a star rating. We got two dollar signs out of five.

HelloFresh was four. I won't even go to a $4 sign restaurant. Boys. We're restaurant. Boys. We're cooking. Boys. No. You see that? I'm pretty sure Long John Silver's has a 4.3.

Here it does. Yeah. Two. Two out of five. Would you stay at a two out of five hotel? I have. two out of five would you stay at a two out of out of five hotel i have i've never even seen like i've never like searched an establishment and seen 2.0 or lower one is usually like the owner said the n-word two stars are people genuinely hate it yeah i would almost trust

more than like a 1.8 yes i would yeah i think a 1.8 means it's it they just have a lot of haters yeah it sparks conversation it's art podcasts are even like it's so hard to have a low podcast rating on uh apple is it yeah like it is impossible to have like lower than a four unless you are very hated yeah i think like michael rapaport does Power of the Stoolies. Power of the Stoolies. Cuts clothing. The way I wear them so often does all... We don't need to even do

an ad. Can I use our one F word? Or do you want to use it? Yeah. Now you use it. All right. Cuts clothing has perfected the art and science of men's... Dressing people who aren't... They've revolutionized the traditional outdated t-shirt category.

We all know that. You guys can join hundreds of thousands of guys who have made the simple... Joining hundreds of thousands of guys? Hundreds of thousands of guys. Who have made the simple decision to elevate their wardrobe with cuts. Get 15% off your first order by going to cutsclothing.com. Slash story. That's C U T S clothing.com.

Slash S D O R Y 15% off for the only shirt worth wearing. Timestamp that sensor. Don't be a little more subtle about it. What? Now they're going to know it's that sensor. Don't be a little more subtle about it. What? Now they're going to know it's a sensor. They're going to know it's a sensor when they hear the bleep. Okay. Would you rather hear that or the word or the sensor?

The sensor, but you don't have to keep saying it. You brought it back up. We're going to fucking lose cuts. Or they're going to drop their PG 13 to a PG. If we get dropped to a PG. Which is worse. Oh man. I want, if, if there's any small business minded people out there, we'll give you a great deal for an ad. If you give us like an NC 17 ad, what's NC 17. Is that before or after R and C that's, that's,

that's R right? No. R is British R you're acting R right now what I'm acting R hard hard I'm acting hard R what the fuck does that mean I don't know

Arnold Palmer it's like the whitest drink in the world. He brought a backpack full of Arnold Palmer spiked. I just bought two. Yeah, good drink. Thanks for it. No, what is NC-17? I think it's after R, dude.

I think you should have sex. Yeah. Yeah. No. 17 is the age sex. Yeah. No. 17 is the age limit. Yeah. NC-17 is like, you have to be like,

I don't know. What? NC-17 is the least restricted. Okay. You were right. I was right. Wasn't I?

G PG PG 13 or NC 17. Yeah. We need an NC 17 ad. Anything else going on? Oh, or you could be under 17 with a parent. Oh, you think there's any kids asking their mom to watch anus with them?

I wonder, I wonder who our youngest listener is actually yeah let's put those feelers out there if you're really young dm kyle he'll answer um and we'll find a superlative each superlative of listeners oh we should put out an anus like a anus yearbook i want to know who our gayest fan is there's a lot of things i want to know who our gayest fan is. There's a lot of things I want to know. Yeah. Actually, yeah, we'll put out, if we get enough, once we get like 10 or so, we'll do an anus superlatives episode.

That would be hilarious. 11-year-old anus listener would be funny. Shooters in Ireland and Australia. Oh, yeah, yeah. Is it Intercontinental? No. World. Yeah.

I flew way too close to the sun yesterday morning. What? I'm walking home from the gym, and there's this girl facing me on the sidewalk. Okay. She's smiling and pointing at me. And I'm like, all right, the Prince expanding his brand. Then she comes up to me and is like, you, you love kids. Right. And I'm like, she knows, she knows about my background. I was like, that's a, that's a deep cut. Yeah. Like how did you do it?

You listen way too much, especially for a girl. And she was like, what? She was just like soliciting for like a charity oh no or something did you get money what did you get money no i stormed off you still you've been storming lately though i've been mean have you i did i do the baby cry thing you baby cried to somebody on the train i did it yes on the subway and you did it just now it was a woman she i like got in her way and she she was trying to get on the subway and i baby cried did you like look how close did you get to her that turned around baby cried in her face loud like that and then then i i did like storm off did you get embarrassed like did you get

embarrassed with yourself no i'm like fucking i'm new or we have a past to do whatever do we you can do anything yeah the guy that's pushing people in front of like the fucking train and killing people he's doing it over and over he's done it like 28 times they never even tried to arrest they know where he is and who he is he's like locally famous yeah you know his name he hangs out here hopefully he doesn't do it again i tell you guys i uh i heard a homeless man jerk off to completion the other day yeah yeah yeah yeah you you heard him from afar and knew it was to completion or you know i i heard him from a deer. And so we saw him jerking off, and then we turned around and we started walking away, and then we heard the finish. We heard boom, because then he came out of the subway steps

mere seconds later and just kept going on his day. Homeless nut is beige, too, or taupe. Shooting taupes. What shade shade is that i don't know i just i think it's kind of like a sandy a camel i sent you guys the picture i was literally having cinnabon for the first time yeah yeah yeah you never want to see like a homeless guy beating off when you're having cinnabon no you can yeah that's what i'm saying in new york there's no like oh there's no like class system where like he's definitely homeless he's definitely not you can do whatever you want yeah you can let you can jack off audibly to completion in public and be okay yeah and like people are like i can't i can't go to sweet green alone to

pick up my harvest bowl i need so just come with me i don't want to Sweetgreen alone to pick up my harvest bowl. I need salt. Just come with me. I don't want to be alone in Sweetgreen. They make a good... People are dying. What? Of course, yeah. But you can do whatever you want. Right.

Without being judged. Right. You can pick up your takeout from Sweetgreen alone. No, because it's like... It's dangerous. There are people getting pushed on the subway in front of it we got like stranded in brooklyn because somebody was pushed in front and killed yeah yeah that was after the tattoo day yeah what yeah what happened there we went to brooklyn to go get tattoos and we went down on the train they're like trains are done for like

the night there's just like a death is it because like you can't keep going over the body yeah it's a human rights issue probably yeah i mean i guess as i mean it would get easier but like i think i think it would flatten yeah but i think it would become two-dimensional very quickly well people used to put like um pennies on train tracks have you ever done that no yeah they would flatten them real real flat well pennies not no that's what you'd think before you do this but then you get it it's really flat it gets flatter yeah you know like when you go to the zoo and you crank it and it like gets you like with an anteater on it or something i'm so naive when it comes to flatness you actually are you're i don't know yeah you don't know what's

flat and what's like not yeah because like uh the flatness disparity it's astronomic it's hard for the human mind to comprehend i don't think anything's actually flat if if zoomed in enough if enhanced enough i don't think flat should be in our vernacular. No, it's, it's either a thing or it's like something online. Those are the two. Those are the two.

It's either a thing and it's not flat or it's something on the internet. Yeah. And things on the internet can't have shapes abstract. It's not, it's like, yeah, you can, ideas can't be flat.

Yeah. Yeah. All right. What time is it? What time are we? 7.30. On that really powerful note by Kyle. I can't tell how long we've been going. But I think like 45.

Yeah, probably. You said ready at 6. Yeah, probably. You said ready at 630, 730. What time did I send the ad? 645. Yeah, probably like 30, 45. Yeah, probably 40 minutes. You want to go a little bit longer? You guys won the money from March Madness.

I thought I was fucking rich. Oh, yeah. Talk about that. Weren't you buying green t-shirts? I... Yeah, so we... If your team makes the Sweet 16, you win $50,000.

And that's all I heard about it. And I thought, you got $25,000, I got $25,000. So you picked St. Peter's,000 and that's all I heard about it. And I thought you got 25, I got 25. So we, you picked St. Peter's a college that nobody has ever heard of. It's right across like the river from us. I know, which makes it even more insane. You texted me. I didn't even know the draft was going on. You're like, we, we got St. Peter's. So we're all good. Yeah was like what what are you talking

about so i chose them because like last year we got in trouble because we didn't tweet enough and so i was like all right we're just going to take this school they're going to lose in the first round so we won't have to tweet very much and at least they're called like the peacocks and i knew we had like that video with the peacocks i was like there's one tweet yeah yeah and then they fucking won yeah so they're playing kentucky and i'm like okay yeah i didn't even bother to watch we're at a comedy show in my hundred dollar bracket i had kentucky winning it all we're at our we're at a comedy show while the game is going on while the end of the game is going on and i think francis is our friend francis ellis is performing and i'm just just completely ignoring him i'm looking at my phone and i'm like

i'm like cheering i'm like stalking i'm smiling i'm ecstatic and he keeps like looking up he's like giving me that wink like yeah i know i'm crushing it yeah i was like yeah that nope no no no he was good but uh i was locked in on that yeah dude he thanked us after the show for for being like so engaged i mean peacocks and francis yeah but then they won the second one and i had the whole bar like i i made sure to let them know like hey i i'm gonna win 25k so when they did win i was i was buying people things they didn't want yeah i was what rounds of green tea shots no one liked like groups of dudes just giving them like a, I was like,

I made the bartender give me the tray of green tea shots. So it was definitely me buying it for them and giving it to them. And they were like, what is that whiskey? I was like, it's green tea shots for all of you guys to finish this up. Let's do another one. I just won $25,000.

Barstool sports. I, yeah, I picked St. Peter's. Can you believe that? Let's do more. You finish those. And they were just like, all right. I DM your boy shovelhead Shia.

Captain hook. Dick is what his Instagram name is. He rebrands a lot. I, I was, I was bought a fucking motorcycle. He was selling a motorcycle for $4,000. I was like, that's nothing. I was, yeah, I did some disgusting things. I was on cloud nine.

I thought I was so rich. Yeah, you almost bought a motorcycle. I almost bought a motorcycle. 20, yeah. Yeah, $25,000. I text my landlord. I was like, hey, just a heads up. Can I pay my year's rent at once?

He was like, yeah. And then I realized we had to split it. Yesterday is when it really sunk in. Because maybe I was like, oh and then i realized we had to split it like yesterday is when it really sunk in because maybe i was like oh maybe everybody's confused we got a friday we only got five thousand seven and five five thousand we didn't even get it yet but like the guy i had no money as more teams zero no but like other teams want it like busting with the boys did it and i like went over to compton's like twitter to see how he was celebrating. And like his tweet in most recent tweet wasn't about the game.

It was just like a very, very, the most gold Rolex I've ever seen. And he was just like, had to do it. And I was like, happy for you, brother.

Yeah. And then teams of three, one, how did they divvy up teams? Yeah. That, that I was with people like friends of friends and I Venmo them $50 and they were like, what is this? I gave I was just pouring.

I was just showering people with monetary gifts and alcohol. That was that was worth so much money and not I realized they they were like more disgusted. Yeah, I called my little sister and she picked up. I was like 11. She was asleep. I was like, do you want $1,000? And she was like 11 she was asleep i was like do you want a thousand dollars and she was like yeah and i was like just send her a thousand bucks so i have four thousand now and then i know probably oh jesus you're gonna go you're gonna lose money you guys in the negative i mean it's gonna be a net negative yeah uh yeah this is the worst thing you know like people that win the lottery their lives get significantly

worse we won five thousand dollars and our lives are in shambles dude i'm pretty sure dana didn't know taxes were a thing and he donated like more than he made to dana beers yeah he almost certainly didn't know that taxes existed yeah you're telling me dana beers didn't know about taxes he donated yeah i remember that he like He bought jerseys for a basketball team. That was, oh, man. I'll never do that. He would have that night. Have you bought anything?

The most awkward, you know, like the charity solicitors. Yeah. I got the worst one of all time. Who'd you get? He was so bad that I felt bad. Was he Australian? He was a Jewish boy with felt bad. Was he Australian? He was a Jewish boy with a lisp.

I don't know if he was Jewish, but he had the yarmulke indent. He had a yarmulke indent? You could tell he was wearing one recently. He saw the crown of his head. The crown of his head looked like a fairway divot. He looked like a muskrat, kind of like a

if... What's that guy's name i don't know adrian brody adrian brody if adrian brody was like half muskrat okay he like scurried over to me and he was you could tell he was like real nervous now i was just like fuck this so i like left then i like walked back and he like scurried back over head down he was like where'd you get that sweater was he the joker uh and i thought it was urban outfitters discontinued you'll never find this it was my fly it was the fly one of the flyer ones. He kept asking me questions like, oh, that's probably like cost you

a pretty penny, huh? Shit like that. I was like, dude, what are you doing? Was he looking at his feet? He kept trying to like... I knew for a fact he was trying to get to something else. He was trying to like ease me in. Then he was like, how about this? How about I ask you

a trivia question? I'm going to ask ask you what is the only u.s state that ends with the letter k and if you get it right if you get it wrong you know if you get it right i'll give you a pink teddy bear if you get it wrong you have to i'm gonna ask you you don't have to but i'm gonna ask you to donate to breast cancer this charity before you even finish that spell i guess new york fucking you dumbass i don't want the teddy bear that was it that was that was your worst experience you just got asked a trivia question no then he like kept going he like he was like nervously like giving me like the script about like the amount of deaths from uh breast cancer breast cancer and you had you was this you coming off you thought you had

25 000 to spend and you still didn't you still didn't give a penny you would rather buy a bunch of like cut-jawed men a bunch of green tea shots so you could sit with them that had nothing to do with his faith what did it have anything to do with his faith? What? Did it have anything to do with his faith? Oh, and then he was like, saying like, Christians are pussies. He started like

dissing other religions. What? No, that's not true. Yeah, he was being a real dick. So now I feel fine making fun of him. Okay, yeah yeah i think we can make fun of whoever we want as long as we retroactively think say they just did something wrong that's all that's all it is yeah that's what like like twitter for a while like as long as they because a lot of tweets are just hypotheticals like this person i don't even know how to describe it.

That's good for a podcast. Yeah. All right. Episode 285? 284. Jesus Christ. That was a new untold story. Thanks, boys.

You want me to reject your reply to what I'm going to say? No, you're just going to say, like, no, that's a new untold story. Hey, isn't that story overtold? What? No, baby. I'm out. It's a fresh, big, untold story. A new, untold story.