A New Untold Story - A New Untold Story: Ep. 298 - This is art

Episode Date: June 23, 2022

YouTube will be out at 11AM ESTYou can find every episode of this show on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or YouTube. Prime Members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. For more, visit barstool.link/anuspodcast

Hey, A New Untold Story listeners, you can find every episode on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or YouTube. Prime members can listen to ad-free on Amazon Music. If you like started dating this girl and you're like you gotta meet her. I got us a dinner and she's like in a full fucking suit. That would be disgusting.

That would be disgusting. Probably a CFO. Certified. Oh is that that's actually like an important position. Very important. I thought that was like a

that's yeah actually funny yeah. You thought that was a bad position? I thought it was like a an important position. Very important. Yeah, chief funny, yeah. You thought that was a bad position? I thought it was a women's position. Like the female version of a CEO. A CFO? Yeah, certified female officer. I thought the female version of a CEO

was a CFO for a little bit. For how long? I'm the one who corrected myself. But still, the fact that it's a chief financial officer. Right. It's an important, but it's a... But right before, we're recording right now, right? You thought CEO was a gendered position.

You were like, imagine if you had a girlfriend. Our CEO is a woman. Imagine if you had a... Yes. Yeah. Yes. Well if you had a... Yes. Yeah. Yes. Well, she's changed the norm. She's the pioneer.

I thought for a second. Okay, that's fine. Back, A New Unsolved Story, episode 298. That is two episodes away from Maresh. I was keeping score. Oh, I spoiled who it was. No, I think we had said, right? No, I just said...

We just said Indian friend of ours. Yes. Maresh has it was. No, I think we had said, right? No, we just said Indian friend of ours. Yes. Marush has been commenting, though, himself. Asking for interview questions. Yeah, but he's helping out his homie. Yeah, they are probably friends, whoever it is. Probably the chances are, yeah.

Marush is transitioning to what? To a woman. Is he? He's getting a poon job. Oh, that was awesome. I hope he doesn't see that. Anyways, it's Barstow Idol week. It's been non-stop. We've been doing like 13 hour days we've been here.

I haven't had time to write the news. Have you? So I actually haven't had time to write the news have you so i actually haven't had time i feel like you maybe you know i haven't had time to write it but what i can do is you're gonna wing it i'm not i don't i don't have anything i think we just open up headlines and we'll wing it so let's just look up the headlines and try to improvise my headline app here i'll start okay oh yeah, you got a hardcover app. Yeah. Okay, yeah. Why don't you wing it from the headlines that you just

looked up. These were sitting on my desk, Kyle. Paperback Google. Did you put your Zin in here or your chewing gum? Kyle? That looks like fresh moths. What's in your mouth right now? More gum. You can test that it's not the same. That looks identical. You're going to have gummy tummy for the big night. What's in your mouth right now? More gum. You can test that it's not the same. That looks identical.

You're going to have gummy tummy for the big night. That's Italian cream. This is ivory. Go. All right. Let's wing your. All right. So, yeah, nothing prepped.

Kyle. Buddy. Buddy pal. Do you see that Lizzo posted a photo of herself in lingerie on instagram the caption was uh yeah the caption was uh your new wallpaper i would save it but like the subject of the photo it took too many megabytes it's me and i want to leave Lizzo alone let's see the next one Lizzo's actually dodging Lizzo's actually dodging cancellation attempts after using the word spaz in a song

spaz being short for spastic apparently is a derogatory term for people with cerebral palsy when the song was released the palsy community was up in arms nobody knows if that was intentional because of the ailment, because of their ailment. Okay, I don't want to get canceled myself for making fun of her. I, for one, actually really feel for Lizzo because she's one of the most well-rounded in the music industry.

She's also good at multiple different things. Yeah. Enough about, enough Liz Lizzo jokes let's make fun of women with Sue Bird announcing her retirement from the WNBA the WNBA announced that their good career out of her yes great career they've announced that they're looking for a new face of the league.

They should play it safe and choose what's worked for years across other companies. A man. While we're on the topic of the WNBA, legend Diana Taurasi is still playing. She's got more years, yeah. A couple more. Do you guys know what team she's on?

The Lynx. No, no, no. Phoenix Mercury. The Phoenix Mercury is the team she's on? The Lynx. No, no, no. Phoenix Mercury. The Phoenix Mercury is the team she's currently on. Good to know. Maybe the worst element to pick for a WNBA team name. I would have gone with Iron. The women love to iron their clothes. Like the activity.

The activity. For them. A chore for us. Their hobby. Their hobby. Yes. like the activity activity there for them a chore for hobby yes it's Juneteenth women love to call hobbies their new obsession yes they do just a hobby just have a hobby

you're just doing it have a hobby bitches um happy Juneteenth to uh thank you maybe like two of your friends thanks and Owen sneaky sneaky, sneaky black. Not even half, full. Sneaky black. Sneaky full.

Sneaky full black. Go ahead and say it. Your big reveal. So anyway, armed protesters holding Blue Lives Matter signs were asked to leave a Juneteenth celebration in Tennessee. When asked about this, a Juneteenth celebrator said, The only blue life that matters to us got squeezed in a chocolate factory after chewing some magic gum. Kyle, that's a reference to what happened to a reference to? It's a reference to what happened to Violet Beauregard

and Willy Wonka in the chocolate factory. She had to be squeezed after turning blue and getting big like a berry. You think we're a top five Beauregard jokes pod? No.

No. No. No, no. We're working our way up the rankings uh let's talk about sports please even though it's mid-season rumors of yankees aaron judge going to the mets in free agency are swirling that is aaron judge player for the yankees going to be a free agent there's rumors of him going to the Mets. Judge in Queens. Hey, that's RuPaul's

job. Jesus Christ. I even capitalized hey. Or like, no, in my head. In my head, I capitalized hey. You want to go? Can I look off the same site you're using?

Sure, I think there might be two left on that site. There's two left. Actually, I, fuck, I'm pissed. I gave off the same site you're using? Sure. I think there might be two left on that site. There's two left. Actually, I... Fuck, I'm pissed. I gave you the best. You left me the... Yeah. Those weren't that good, so I'm sure these will be better.

Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Thank you, Nick. Sure, man. World Swimming... World Swimming bans transgender athletes from women's events. Now only if they'll pull their...

World Swimming bans transgender athletes from women's events. Now only if they'll put their foot down and ban them from Kyle's porn search history. Ooh, taboo, Kyle. Little edgy. Little edgy.

Little edgy, but pretty good. I think girls are going to like that about you. Pretty good, Kyle. Come on, just give us one more. Martin Sheen revealed his regrets using a stage name instead of Ramon Estevez. You know who doesn't regret a stage name? Who, Kyle? Tell us, please.

Ashton Kutcher, who's... No, no, start from the top, man. Start from the top. Run it from the top. Martin Sheen revealed he regrets using a stage name instead of his government name, Ramon Estevez. You know who doesn't regret a stage name? Tell me, Kyle.

Who is it? Ashton Kutcher, whose real name is Fart McAss. Thank you, Nick. No, no, thank you, man. I was worried about... You know, I've been dead busy for the past week

with a lot of things on my plate. Dead busy, bro. You've been dead busy for the past week with a lot of things on my plate. You've been dead busy, bro. You've been dead busy. Because I was tired. Yeah, we were pitching this idea and I said, I can't do it again. You're going to ghostwrite me some good. But I gave you my best. I've been sitting on fart gas.

It was selfless. Since, oh boy. That was in your original. 419? No, that was in my Barstool pitch. Yeah, that was your pitch today. Barstool. No, you have been busy.

You've had friends in town. You guys are going to see Les Mis, aren't you? You're using it with the Game Time app? I'm going to use the Game Time app to see. You've been a theater head lately. Yeah, you've been a big theater head. Are you going to see Les Mis? We're seeing the Yankees.

I'll tell you what Les Mis you have in your boys stay with you for 10 plus days. Fell into my trap. You could have just said you were going to an award-winning play. You initiated the late. Forced your hand. Anyways, yeah, they cracked the code to last-minute tickets, GameTime did. Isn't that right? And you could use code untold.

$20 off. It's untold. Use that. Use that, please. People have been DMing me, what's the code for GameTime? I need to try it. I need to give it a whirl at least once. Yeah, it's something you've got to try.

Curiosity, you've got to try it once. If you're in your mid to late 20s it's something you just gotta fucking try you gotta sensory deprivation tank yeah or a maze you gotta try it once yeah just to see what it's about that is people are always saying that about mazes i remember no mazes are always you know how many 30 in fiction but you never actually come across one. A labyrinth? Or just a maze? Did you just use a synonym for maze? No, labyrinths have minotaurs.

Did I mention a labyrinth? Well, I just think people have gone in mazes. Corn mazes. Corn mazes. Yeah. Oh, you mean like walled mazes? They weren't built to trick you. They were built for children to have fun and frolic.

Okay, we'll find a real maze for you. A House of Mirrors are a maze. There's one at the mall over in Jersey. Went with Jeff D. Lowe. It's the only thing we did. It's a two-hour Uber. Wait, doesn't maze mean corn, too? It does.

And it's not called a maize maize. No, it's not. Miss. Yeah. Yeah. And a maize. It is amazing. They're amazing.

That's for sure. Yeah, but you've been with your friends. I've been hanging out with other barstools. They're on day seven of 10. Yeah, they're keeping me company. But I've been i you've been having nikki withdrawals i've been hanging out with ebo data guy that's yeah he got too drunk and he was trying to open up to me really yeah he was just like really are you ever like with a chick and

you're you're actually you're like fucking her and your dick accidentally slides in her butt that's not that's never happened people have said that before. That has never happened. And then it clicked for me. He intravenously injected poppers and tried to literally open up to you. Yes, he did. Hear me out. That's never happened. Did he claim that it's happened to him? He said he was with a girl. That just doesn't happen. Slid in once.

And I said. Slid in once? No way that no way it can happen. Unless turd shaped dick. I think he has a turd shaped penis what do you mean his penis is probably how would else how else would it slide into a butt with ease i don't think i don't think a literal turd would slide into a butt with ease they slide out no it would it would yes it would it would i think if you put it if you if you put a turd on a on a closed asshole i think it would sort of just open up and take it i agree i think it's like when harry

potter uses the wand to get into i think just like when harry potter uses the wand back in i do too i do now i think it may be a i think it would be like cashing in a paycheck at a bank drive-thru oh yeah yeah i think a chinese finger trap shaped dick would be more conducive to slipping into an asshole i i'm not sure if you're talking about a slip, a banana peel dick would also... Is a Chinese finger trap dick just an uncircumcised dick? I was thinking just girth.

Oh, okay. I thought you meant wicker. A wicker penis. A wicker penis with a large urethra. But not too large. Fully hollow penis. I was born with a wicker penis. And a large urethra and it's but not fully hollow fully hollow penis i was born with a wicker penis the kind of large urethra i got a catheter once and it's stuck forever um back when i was like making videos like on my own on twitter i tried to put a subway sandwich in one of the bank returns and they were just like no we're not taking that i forgot that they could just like see though they had yeah clearly yeah i thought like it would be like a good prank video

yeah it is yeah i just the tube that sucks it up yeah yeah that's it'll be funny to see the sandwich go up yeah it'd be funny yeah i don't know how that works main page fellows how many beers did this guy just crack the code for what barstool we have the worst captions the worst um you've been miserable not miserable i've been you've got the it boys in town for 10 days you have been exhausted miserable while i've been on easy street i've been cruising down it i've been on street easy i hate how I just fucking put that on a tee for you Unintentionally Dude I have been the Dr.

Eugene Gu of street easy I'm replying You don't get that reference He's the Malaysian man that for some reason Would reply to every Donald Trump tweet Despite being Malaysian Gene Gu is just cum. Yeah.

Yeah. I'm the... You've been responding to every... Yes. I don't even look... I'm at the point where I don't even look at... I don't look at neighborhood. I don't look at square footage.

So you don't look at amenities. Are you in Manhattan still? No, that's the goal. That's the dream don't end up in amenities. Are you in Manhattan? I know that's the, that's the goal. That's the dream is to let end up in something. Did you, every day? Yeah.

Um, did you see on the Anna subreddit, they posted, uh, like people like praise prayers for KB because it was like a line of kids down the steps for a one bedroom apartment, like touring it. It's insane. Yeah. I've been calling steps for a one bedroom apartment, like touring it. It's insane. Yeah. I've been calling scheduling appointments and I'm like, all right, I'm ready to like fill out the application as well.

And they're like, yeah, yeah. Fill out the applications. Twenty dollar fee. We'll get you in for a tour. We'll talk more. And I'm like, well, when can I do it? They're like, oh, there's there's like sixty five others currently currently touring and applications pending. But we'd love to have you. We'd love to get that application. It's a nightmare. It's a nightmare. 65 others currently touring and applications pending.

But we'd love to have you. We'd love to get that application. It's a nightmare. It's a nightmare. That is a nightmare. So you've been miserable. Nightmare, nightmare. Nightmare, nightmare, nightmare. You not only have been miserable long term,

we got a text from you that you had a very bad morning today. And you didn't tell us. It was the worst morning. Not of my life. It was the worst morning experienced of my life it is it was the worst morning experienced by anyone in the world today i mean i'm sure i'm sure there's people who experienced traditional tragedies this morning traditional being like the like the con the conventional tragedy as death of a loved one as the as the mainstream media portrays it i'm sure

there are there are plenty of them if you take into account all of the continents. Still me. Still me. Sometimes your intuition and you know when something is true. Yeah. When you know like, oh, this is true. And yeah, you're right. I had the worst morning.

I mean, how? First of all, you have a one bedroom. Well, you're in a loft right now. Well, I haven't been sleeping. Whatever, whatever, whatever. Well, you opened two gifts this morning. What? You opened two gifts this morning.

Your eyes. Oh, my God. Shut up, Owen. You look like a CFO with that women's suit on. We don't have Owen Cam up and running. he's wearing a women's jacket blazer um so so i woke up so first of all i woke up to mac and i woke up to mac and dell arguing like a like an old apple commercial you've been friends with mac and dell for a decade and have never put together that both of their names are the two most popular computers.

Your lifelong best friends. You make puns for it. I brought it up to them, and they were like, we went as that for Halloween like three times, and you were with them. No, I wasn't. You were. No, I wasn't.

Physically. I don't think I was. I don't remember that. And Mac also brought a girl home, and you have a lofted apartment, and you just watched from up in your loft. No, I didn't. He said it was like the Truman Show.

No, he got it at... He did score an Ecuadorian thickie. Whatever, which is insane. E.T. phoned home. Considering the shape of the common Ecuadorian. She was an Ecuadorian thickie, but he tried to go to her place. I said...

E.T., don't go home. He told me in the bar, he was like, I think I'm going to go home with her. I said, you're going to fuck her in my apartment or not at all. He didn't listen, went and fucked her her it was a terrible night for me but i want to hear about your morning because they're about

mackindale are both they're i'm fine with them crashing my place they're both five five yeah you walk into a bar and she's like who's the tall guy and And it's you. It's more 5'5 in my apartment than a fictional telephone number. Yup. You know how hard it was for me not to laugh there? Not at all. That's only three fives. You have one more five.

One, two, three, four, five, six. Five, five, five is the only parameter, right? They would always do five, five, five. So I had five, and there was two five, five men. Not me. No. Them two. That's four fives.

Yeah. So yeah. One more than a. OK. Yeah. The joke rings true. A cinematic phone number. Yeah.

They were there. They woke me up and I woke up to Mac and Dell arguing about a lost roach or they were looking for a roach like a bug. The worst part is I don't know because I don't know if they were looking for weed or one of the bugs. Because you do leave empty crab fried rice containers around because you like the smell. I've done this. Very weird. Nobody wants their apartment to smell like food if there's no food.

Yeah, whatever. I did that before. It's not a thing. Don't. Yeah. Then I had to clean up because I have the. Hey, don't bring that up again. Okay.

Yeah. Yeah. So I was up already. I was like, I might as well clean my apartment because the cleaning service is coming tomorrow. So you clean before they come? Are you that embarrassed? I have to pregame clean for them. Yeah.

I hope you're only cleaning like 50%. Getting it a little there. I got the most expensive one. So what exact? Paid for me. Yeah. For my birthday. Okay. Oh, your mom. So I have to clean. Your mom bought what exact? Paid for me. Yeah, for my birthday. Okay.

Oh, your mom? So I have to clean. Your mom bought it for you? I have to clean before they come to clean it. Is that kind of like a backhanded gift? No, it's the best gift I could get. Okay. Don't spin that that way.

Okay. Yeah, good gift giver. Always has been. Mom? So I'm up at six and i'm not going back to sleep because i just can't do that anymore really it's just one it's one one try then it's over okay i cannot fall back asleep so i was like i might as well go work out go to the gym 6 a.m that by this point it's 645. Okay. No headphones.

No headphones. Okay. I must have left them here. Probably. Yeah, I think they're on my desk. Yes. I need headphones to lift. You have to? Do you know how hard they are to obtain?

Headphones. Apple earbuds are probably one of the most commonly used items in the world that isn't a necessity no name one a phone is a necessity I would qualify it as a necessity

coffee is not a necessity that's why I said no headphones are used more than coffee yeah i guarantee you more people are listening to things and music on their phone than drink coffee guarantee it guarantee it so many people this is moronic i would guess that no dude 90 then there would be a fucking fucking bow store on every corner instead of a dunin' or a Starbucks. That's the point I'm trying to make. That's what it should be.

No. People use headphones more than coffee. More than anything. No, dude. 30% of people drink coffee. You think so, Tyler? How am I agreeing with this? Get on a mic, Tyler.

What? More people use headphones than coffee? Yes. I was going to say. Everyone uses headphones. Who doesn't use headphones than coffee? Yes. Kids, I was going to say. Everyone uses headphones. Who doesn't use headphones? A lot of people don't even intake caffeine, let alone the people who use alternative. This is ridiculous.

Monster, Red Bull, 5-Hour, Celsius. That's where I disagree. I think more people drink caffeine than use headphones, but I'm talking strictly coffee. Still no. But if we're going to talk coffee, it's a 70-30 split. A crazy disparity. It's a crazy disparity. Okay. split a crazy disparity it's a crazy disparity okay regardless we'll put up a poll back to the story headphones every day every day every day and every day i

have multiple coffees yes oh it's also i have five coffees a day it doesn't it's also the but you're i've had one i've had one headphones in the last year. You're spending more time with headphones than coffee. Time? We're bringing time into it? Oh, time is money. Might as well. You can't bring time into it. It's not about that.

It's about frequency. It's about how often you buy. It is the most commonly used. That's not the amount of... But you can't compare commonly used to how frequently bought. It is the... It's not about bought. Yeah, it's what I'm saying.

It's the most... It's not what you're saying. It's the most commonly used thing, yeah. More than coffee. More than coffee. I thought we were talking commonly used as well. Not frequently used. Why doesn't Big Cat post headphone memes?

There are countries that have coffee but not headphones. I didn't say most frequently bought. That's what you're implying with the store. You're saying that there should be headphone stores instead of coffee shops. No, that's a fallacy of some sort. I'm saying it is impossible to obtain headphones especially Apple earbuds we'll get to this but I was right there

I was really right it's also the most commonly lost item maybe everyone's always losing their headphones getting them stolen It's also the most commonly lost item. Maybe. Everyone's always losing their headphones. Getting them stolen. Yeah. What I'm saying is it is impossible to get headphones in New York City.

If you need them, it's so hard. You live next to the Oculus. That's a big mall. They have an Apple store. Opened at 10. And this is 6 a.m. Which is insane because people use headphones the most in the morning that is why they don't buy headphones the most in the morning i don't know i think need of them yeah i get mad by that too everything in the city should

do you think a 24 7 headphone shop would be successful i think that more stores should more stores should sell them amongst other things. Okay. And this is insane how hard it is because I tried multiple different venues. What store did you go to? I tried, granted, it was bodegas. Because it was 6, it was 7 a.m. But I waited.

I waited until the nearest place that sells them opens. What time was that? Do those bodegas have coffee? Yes, they do. Yeah, yeah. Some of them, some of them don't. No, all bodegas have coffee, dude. That is the point I am making, though.

They don't have to be mutually exclusive. I know, I know. Inventory items. They should sell them. Like Dwayne Reed and the gas stations, they all sell the ones for Androids. Hell yeah. I don't, that's not gonna,

most people have iPods or iPhones. And you know what it is? You have to get the fucking, you have to get two things. You have to get the dongle. Wait, were you going to try to buy wireless? Were you trying to get the fucking you have to get two things you have to get the dongle wait were you going to try to buy wireless were you trying to buy earpod like air but airpods anything you would have spent a hundred dollars and the dongle no i wasn't gonna get airpods i was gonna you cannot it is so hard to find it is where did you go it's ridiculous you have to find

two things the dongle and so it's six a.m nothing's open that's fair what are you doing from 6 to whenever these things open seethe walking seethe walking what is that it's it's stomping you're stomping around stomping around angrily out of spite out of spite for the for the the dilemma in the fucking issue that i'm talking about right now i was walking around i was i was spite walking into establishments that i knew didn't have them just to like spread the awareness to the cashiers like hey like this is a commonly commonly needed item that you guys don't sell either who's to blame big apple big bodega it could be i don't know could be an apple thing it's it's specifically for the apple iphone okay so you where did you go at 8 a.m i wait yeah i waited till 8 till target opened

okay target adam so what target had them so i walk in and the first employee i ask will i ask her do you have them? Apple earbuds? No one knows what it, no one knows what that means either. People don't know terminology, even people who work in this service. They're always like, what? Earbuds? AirPods? I said, earbud.

What do you call them? Wired headphones? Then you think over ear. I'm talking about the ones that slip in your ear. Buds. I explained that to her. She said, I don't know. Try below.

Below? I looked down. I looked down. Below what? Below what? I knew what she meant. She said, I don't know. Try below, below. I looked down, I looked down below what, below what I knew what she meant. She meant downstairs. Didn't want to give her that. But say downstairs, went downstairs.

Is it a ghost town down there in the tech department? It was target at 8 a.m. On Wednesday, 802. By this point, they should be fucking initiated. They should be fucking ingrained into their roles tech department empty empty tumbleweeds not even tumbleweed nothing they have the that was the saddest tech department at target target the most the biggest big box store in

the world not even close that sells tech yeah yeah it sells good tech oh good tech yeah good tech okay and they had the so i see and they had the they had the the regular earpods sans dongle so what an awful name for that stupid name um and it's locked you can't get it out of course i'll start with this i tried it yet so i had to wait scouring the store for an employee to get to the tech no one comes one lady the way she was walking the way the pace in which she was not just the pace the mannerisms the body language the way she was chewing her gum i saw it from afar the way she was like just twirling her finger you could tell that she has never cared about another person or another thing in her life. You got that from her walking downstairs?

Yeah, I could tell. As soon as her shift at Target started, you could get that from her. I could tell that she was going to provide me with the worst service that I've had. I don't know. And she gets to me and I said, do you have the dongle? She said, what's that? I said,

okay, this is the tech department. You frequent this area? Probably not. I didn't say this. Am I fanning? I had to explain to her what it was.

It's the adapter, the connector, whatever. She says, I don't know. I can go check. I said, yeah, because I don't know either and I need it.

So what what is the alternative here? I just said, yeah, go check. OK, then she says, all right. I don't I'm pretty sure we don't have them, but I guess I can go check. And I said, yeah. What else are you going to do? It's like 806, right? At this point, it's 806.

Yeah, probably. Four to five minutes of explanations and talking in circles. And she wanders back to, she probably didn't go to the fucking back to check. For dongles? Hell no. No, that's a conspiracy. And then in the meantime, I'm waiting, waiting, waiting, probably three minutes, which seems like a short amount of time. But when you're waiting, it's a lot.

Okay. I was being realistic. Three minutes of waiting. Assuming they didn't have the dongles. Some guy in the other aisle was singing to himself, which I hate. Patron? Yeah. What was he singing? He was singing to himself.

That pissed you off more? That pisses me off always don't sing in public okay and she comes back of course like nah don't have them not like sorry or like i understand like how this is one of the most commonly used items in the world i'm sorry we don't have them it's target we should whatever i say I stomped out. Oh my God. Okay. And so you stomp out.

Okay. That's your worst morning? Ever. Part one of 15. Where do you go next? They had the Apple. No, they had the non-Apple earbuds, but they didn't have the dongle. I said,

you have the dongle. She said, what? She said, do you have the, do you have the thing that connects those into an, into an iPhone? You were more tech savvy than her. Yeah.

I think you're the least tech savvy in the world. This is the service employees in Manhattan. She goes, she says, I can look. I don't think we have them. I said, yeah,

don't you think you should? She says, yeah, I don't think we have them, but I look. And I said, yeah, yeah, i said yeah yeah yeah please please please she comes back 20 minutes later some guy singing out loud an employer no a browser he's singing out loud breaks me as a pet are you doing computer references on purposes now what never mind you just said i don't you just said a browser you're hanging out with mac Mac and Dell. That doesn't apply. Yeah. Okay.

She comes back. They don't have them. They don't have them. No dongle. How is it that hard? Everyone who uses, listens to music is probably doing it on an iPhone or at least 50% of people. How are these so hard to find at Target? So did you get a pair? I stomped out.

I stomped out. You didn't get a pair. So then I start looking at any place. So where were you stomping in the two hours of waking up and Target? Around. I was going into like bodegas and like they sell me shrooms. They'll sell me fucking, they should, if they have them. And, um.

Oh. Yeah. But like the thing is like, why couldn't you just sit in your apartment and like do something? Look at your phone. No, can't do that. I was, it was honestly out of spite spite so then i start looking in like places that i knew what so you're spying yourself yeah yeah whatever whatever i went into joe and the juice and you know another thing like you can't you can't access a man it's so hard to access a

menu you have to have the app for joe and the juice every restaurant website should just be a pdf of the menu you have to click 10 buttons except you don't understand you don't understand the hamburger drop down yeah okay so did you get a coffee no what did you get to join the juice like a strawberry power power shake with a with vanilla milk yeah they're a delight it is so hard to find so then i have to wait until nine that's when the at&t store, I get there at nine Oh one. The guy's in the back. I'm like trying to open the door.

It's locked. He puts his hand up, puts his finger up. Then common gesture. He finally comes. He opens the door. He says, give me five minutes. I said, it's nine Oh one. You open at nine.

He said, give me five minutes. I gave him 10. I stomped around the whole, the whole block came back, came in. You know how hard it is to get- Were you walking or were you stomping? I was stomping like a GTA character. With a mod that makes him stomp harder and break the sidewalk. Leave little cracks in the sidewalk.

You really did sidewalk dust? I was more- The way- What I was doing was more violent than if I was swinging a wooden bat at a whore. The way I was walking The way What I was doing Was more violent Than if I was swinging A wooden bat at a Whore The way I was walking Dude

Someone did Pass on a city bike And said KB It was It didn't help So somebody saw you Stomping Somebody out there

Can vouch Yeah I hope he hits me up I go in You know how hard it is To get something From an AT&T store? It's not hard at all.

Other than if, no. It's a simple transaction. They pull out a big iPad and there's a wire. And this guy, he starts asking me about my job and he starts asking me information about myself. I thought that was like things he needed to fill out to get me. Oh, by the way, they just had a dongle, but not the earbud. He only had a dongle. not the not the earbud he only had a dongle so i'm buying the dongle i'm gonna go back to target and he starts asking me things about like where do you work and then he starts asking me like would you ever do anything else on the side

i'm like what are you talking about it was such a long process he starts quizzing me he starts quizzing you like he starts asking me like like what would you ever consider owning your own business? I'm like, no, no, no. No, dongle, dongle, dongle. Guess who my AT&T employee was during this time, during this time period? It was a side hustle coach. Not just a side, it was the side hustle coach. Who's the side hustle coach?

He told me, side hustle coach on tiktok actually a nice guy lawrence look him up don't how many be nice to him i don't i didn't look him up okay side hustle so he brought up your side hustle yeah so i finally get the dongle and then i i'm walking to target and i have to shit you know what's even harder than getting apple earbuds in manhattan Shitting in Manhattan. Yes. Yes. The only place I can shit, Planet Fitness. So I'm just like, all right, I'm just going to go there.

Okay. You go to Planet... But you have... Do you have headphones at this time? Yeah, this is... Yeah, this isn't even... No, this is good. I was so mad. Just to understand how mad I was.

So I get in... So I just go there to shit. And then I stop to go to Target because I'm not going to work out. So this is the Planet Fitness you work out at. I stopped at the Planet Fitness I work out at just to shit and I was going to leave, go to Target. Did you pass up your apartment from Target?

No, no, I wouldn't have. I would have shit in my apartment. It was closer. So was it emergency shit? I had to shit. I go down to the bathroom and there was a guy using the hand washer to dry his foot. He's spreading his toes apart.

Yeah, just like a lot of things. Did that piss you off? He was spreading his toes apart individually to dry his foot. I did take the shit and I worked out without the headphones. You worked out without the headphones. Yeah, it sucked. Wait, so do you just have a dongle now? Do you just have a stray dongle?

Yeah. Okay. Yeah. Oh, I mean, that's good to have for, you know, yeah.

The workout sucked. I was, you know, I was ripping. I was, I took 60 pound dumbbells for a joy ride, you know, and I,

and I, and I'm doing legs. I'm doing, I'm actively, I'm doing legs harder than anything. And there's still twigs. And I'm, I'm looking in the mirror.

Still twigs. They're not. You have the worst dysmorphia in the world. There's twigs. You also think you're super red. I don't. People tell me that. You're not that red. Okay.

Okay. End of the story. I leave. I'm leaving Planet Fitness. And a street sweeper passes me and sprays me with sediment. And that's when I lost it. I just had a full blow. I just had, I almost chased after him.

It was more internal. Like I wasn't like having a visible. You said you almost chased after him. You did, didn't you? Did you chase after him? It doesn't matter. But then I opened up Twitter. This made it all worth it.

This made it all worth it. It was like this street stripper was gesturing. I thought he was being a dick, gesturing me to get out of the way. Well, as he sprayed me with sediment, and I saw his stupid Italian face, and I never hated a face more. I opened up Twitter. It's an avatar with the same exact face to a T. It was the same exact face that looked at me in that street sweeper. And he just tweeted me.

What did he say? Sorry from the street sweeper and he just tweeted me what did he say sorry from the street sweeper sorry for the sweet sweeper dude johnny two shirts uh underscore what a legend he's an anus legend i i can't the same sunglasses the same i think it's the same dunkin donuts hat same facial the same face the same smirk that's the face you saw and then you just made me crack up and i was and i was all good wait but didn't you have a similar situation with uh didn't you get run off like the walkway at an airport by the like yeah i was the the maintenance guy with the big big like the garbage zamboni he didn't move he just smushed me into the wall and then as and then as soon as that happened some

like guy was like hey b he passed and he like dm me like i saw you get smushed by that fucking maintenance guy so that that made me laugh yeah so i was turned upside down but then here's what worried me. Here was our text this morning. It was the streets. We purchased, sprayed me with dust and sediment. And I went into full meltdown mode. Full meltdown mode.

Yeah. Then I see this tweet. He said a picture of the tweet. And then he said, I had a temper tantrum and target trying to purchase a dongle to zero chance i live long yeah it's one of those things like you can tell like this isn't like necessarily unhealthy like to be this angry but it will kill me no it is unhealthy it is no it is you stomped around the city for three hours it's it is like i

felt myself like deteriorating um i am in the best shape of my life though but and you look incredible you look great man yeah thank you um but when i also passed a debris artist which is rare you know those clothes those closed off what what are the rarest autists? What's the least common autist? The least rare? Trains. Trains. There's a lot of common sports cards. Maps, I guess.

I think they're pretty generalized to everyone. A debris? You know those walled off, empty spaces that are filled with, like, debris? Yeah, I fucking fumbled my words. There was a little people, and he was just staring at it. You could tell.

You could tell. He was geeking. At the debris. He was loving it, just staring at the debris. There was no machinery in there. Just debris. It was unmoving. So, wait.

Did you see him staring, and you had to go take a peek? No, I didn't take a peek. I passed and gave him the autism salute, which is just passing someone without looking, though. That's the Jeep wave for autism. That's the Jeep wave for autism. Just looking at your feet. Dude, yeah. Yeah.

Oh, my God. Who knows how many you pass in a day? Those people are tall. Have you noticed those? They have been growing. Yeah. The debris downies couldn't reach. Gee.

Yeah. So wait, you said that it's a rare autist. What's the rarest autist? Do you know? I don't know. Probably like- Pussy? Yeah, no.

Pussy autist? No, no. Actually, not that rare. Not that rare. Not that rare. They're into the aesthetics, but not the feeling. Yeah, sure. I get it completely, man. I get it. I know exactly

what you're saying. I think there's a lot of overlap with botany autists because of the uvula. The plant. It's like the painter. Who's the painter? Ann Getty. Oh, that's the baby. The painter who does the flower pussies. I don't fucking know.

I just hit everything, drying toes. that really set me off spreading out his toes so if you do die do you should we just do like a four hour episode because you keep a very detailed diary of every one of your days you've done it since you started at Barstool yeah I think I told Brandon how I wrote about him

and how much I hated him at first I think that'll be an awesome thing if you go that we read do you do that i've been trying to get myself to do that for years well i was doing it like therapeutically so looking back it sucks because i would only do it when i was at my lowest yeah so i was like there's no good memories here yeah so now i did the opposite now i just highlight like the best things that happen to me each week so i can look back and like oh life's not that bad yeah yeah because i love it yeah it's been tough to uh we've been trying to convince ourselves it's not that bad it's not it's not at all that's very easy yeah yeah um especially for us being not that bad not

that bad it's very it's very good people are gunning to have our job like right now in the competition. Yeah, you're right. They're doing whatever they can and they're probably not worth it for most. Kudos to them though.

They're not rated. It's been a weird week for that. Me trying, like I, I don't, I don't, I don't roll.

I don't really think of myself as a content creator. I just kind of, and myself. And it's hard like trying to take it seriously but then when we do it, I don't know, it seems like we're creator. I just kind of am myself. And it's hard, like, trying to take it seriously. But then when we do, I don't know, it seems like we're on a pedestal or something. Yeah, exactly.

When you take a seat, you kind of feel like, oh, because I can criticize you on your comedy because I'm higher. I have a ton of misses. That's why I get so mad when people, like, destroy these guys for attempting comedy with such a time constraint it was bad it was such pressure but yeah it was bad but like the thing is like i i would never call myself a content creator i guess i just kind of i'm lucky enough to have a camera on me uh for some apparent reason uh but those guys are trying to like be, I can't like me judging their content. It feels, I feel a little bad. Yes. Because.

So I try. Yeah. Because a lot of what we do is just being ourselves. We're just talking. And I think that's the best advice you can give. For the most part. Because it would have to be exhausting coming in here with a character every day. Yeah.

And eventually. Oh yeah. Tough, tough, tough. Yeah. Fart McAss. Fart McAss. Yeah. I guess that was some content I made I'm the fart mcass guy that is awesome that I wrote my best joke

and gave it to you though history repeats itself a Spanish resort cracked down on drunken tourism by banning football shirts and in a suburb far, far away, deep in the wasteland of middle America, where only demons go to dance. A white man in CVS aviators typed. Yeah, OK. You read these way too fast for me to process. Good God, yes.

On my mind, I can't. From the top. I know. I can't do this. I can't do any of these. You can do these because you had the best one last week. I know. I don't know. I can't do any of these. You can do these because you had the best one last week. I know. I don't know.

I'm going to call that target. He was going to be racist. The punchline was he was going to say something racist. Call the target and see if they have a dongle. In the meantime, I figured out the gayest thing a man can do, and it's not the heart thing. We all agreed on that when I said it. I know.

We all came to a mutual agreement that that is the gayest thing you can do. Thought of something gayer? What? Seeing another dude quiver. I've never done it. You've never quivered? No, I've never seen another man. Never seen another dude quiver.

No, no. I think I walked in on one of my homies quivering, but then he was like, no, it was a shiver. They're interchangeable. No, they're not interchangeable. Visually, they can be. Quivering in itself is gay.

Everything's a little gay, besides me. And then quivering is gay, but seeing a man quiver a lot again yeah you're a lot really good you deliver it well like because i when i wrote i was like i hope kb could deliver that well because i wrote it and i was like oh it's kind of like it's highbrow it's so it's tough yeah it's an aristocrat's joke. Yes. Truly.

Yes, it is. What were you going to bring up, Kyle? There was something else. You never seen a man quiver? Fuck no. You have? Who'd you see quiver, dude? It was on the Stern show.

Robin? Yeah. I was trying to think of a joke. Yeah. Yeah. No. Yeah. Robin quivers. There it is. There it is. So you could do it. I'm trying to think of a joke. Yeah. Yeah. No. Yeah. Robin Quivers.

There it is. There it is. So you could do it. I could steal you. You quiver, I'll steal yours. Robin Quiver. Okay. Yeah.

Cool. Bart McCass was better. Way better. Best thing I'll do. Best thing I'll do. What if one of the contestants on Barstow Idol did that exact rundown? They'd get destroyed, right? Which rundown? The weekend update rundown thing i just did no that was on that was good like that

was actually funny yeah i mean the ones you fart mcass the ones you gave me were purposely unfunny of course yours were good you should let yeah they that would kill yeah yeah. Yeah, I should have given that to somebody. I don't even know if I have a favorite in the competition. I do. Do you? One of them has some of the exact same traits as you. John? The raisin blog is something you would have written.

Yeah, yeah, the graph. Yeah. Yeah, the graph was very similar. Even like the way some of the things he says, like today he was like, I can only draw a moose. That's something you would say. No, I can draw pretty much anything. Yeah, but something you would say. Oh. I only perfected

a moose. I think he's funny. I don't judge based on biases or how similar they are to me going forward. We'll see who's the best. Yeah. Well, that's where I fucked up.

I was trying to like not be biased and almost did like not my vote. I feel like he would be mine. I don't know. It's tough. I don't think anything happened that shouldn't have happened. Yeah. No, definitely not.

Definitely not. I just don't get tick tock. I don't either, man. I really don't. And I'm trying not to be a hater. Yeah. Same. I just, it's just not for me i think people i mean there's some videos for me but the tiktok stars i think the humor is just very mainstream but here yeah but because it's so big here's a

critique on us like no we're telling people not to be blinded by the numbers yeah yeah they should be yeah that's what i guess, that is fan base. There's a number to success. No, but it's, like, even, like, the side hustle coach probably has, like, a million followers.

Yeah, probably. At AT&T. Well, no, it's fine. Yeah, sure. I guess, yeah, that's his side hustle is whatever else he does. AT&T's his side hustle.

The T in AT&T. Oh, man. And I think it's good because it's every other social media platform beforehand. You would just be, you're just a void. You were banking on one larger person. With TikTok, everything you post is going to be seen by people potentially all over the world. It is astounding some of the funniest tiktoks i've seen have like two likes yeah they'll show you those so you're going to be seen and you're gonna acquire likes and followers which is good because with twitter

like people would gave up so fast because no one's interacting with them no one's liking their shit they're typing into the void i used to be obsessed with socialblade.com where you would look at your live chart of followers and uh like i would go to that and like look at myself and like look at how many followers i gained per tweet it was fucking sickening yeah i did the same thing it was disgusting i was like i got reprimanded at my old job because like i wasn't doing it i was just working on my one joke a week yeah, I would spend my days in the office just trying to workshop a tweet. Yeah, I played sick so I could go home and Photoshop something. What will go viral? I wasn't even like, well, this is this funny to me? I was like,

what will go viral? My boss walked in on me Photoshopping a man's shadow with a giant cock. I remember that. You've done this before. Yeah, you did this. You did this recreationally. What? Growing up. This was not just a for Twitter thing. Oh, no, you prefer the shadow to the physical cock there should be shadow porn

but I mean like I think that would turn me on a lot shadow porn there's something I think one of the first porns I watched was a girl just dancing behind a sheet you could still kind of see her you tell she's white um you can look like you could see like the the pigment of her like it was like just enough

yeah to but i think that's gonna make a comeback like like regret porn regressing yes yeah less form it's gonna be more arousing back in a big way because like yeah the first girl we had on boris twiddle doesn't have an only fans but she posts like naked photos yeah but like that is so commonplace now every dude opens up their phone it'll go to like they're recommended on instagram every once in a while if i see a girl that's pulling off like a cable knit sweater i'm like oh yeah yeah yeah it's the one um what type of sweater it is like a lot of the varieties yeah uh it's like uh what uh a lot of a lot of braids chris evans wore it and knives out vertically what dude yeah but um yeah the gayest thing you can do is see your boy quiver for sure yeah yeah thanks for agreeing what what

yeah not be able to remember what chris that was an iconic sweater yeah yeah great movie iconic sweater. Great movie, iconic sweater. Hope he wears it in the sequel. What else we got, boys? What else do we got? How long we been going? 40. Shit, this has been a good one. Cruisin'. I would have guessed it was shorter, like 20.

But I guess KB's tantrum. That was, yeah. That didn't need to happen. That was amazing. What DM did I get? Oh, no, I did not want to get that. No, I did not want to get into that. What the heck was that?

Well, I didn't hear this. Yeah, you did. Did I? Yeah. No, I don't want to do that. Because it turned out it wasn't true. It was a different one. And now this is awesome for me. Is it good? What happened? No. You want to do that because I turned, uh, turned out it wasn't true. It was a different one. And now this is awesome for me. Is it good?

What happened? No. You want to post your dubs? No. Yeah. I didn't know if you showed me that. No, I don't want that in at all. I bet you that target has dongles.

I bet you she didn't even look. Call him. Call target. She probably. Do you think she, do you think she's still on the shift? She's probably fucking She probably faked the migraine Remember her name?

She didn't even have a name tag She Do you remember her name? No I don't know Yeah call and see if they're dongles. Aren't good. Man, the merch sale that they're pushing for 4th of July and they're using a incredibly fat photo of me.

Yeah, it's so funny. It's hilarious, man. It's so funny. I look like waterlogged didn't like someone from high school think that was actually you yeah yeah somebody like uh it was the first time ever i got recognition for working at barstool on facebook and uh this this was it and i got a dm they're like no way you're at the fucking stool. No. I was like, I don't even think I've ever. I forgot about Facebook.

Do we post stuff on Facebook? No. Do people post things like Barstool Sports post us? No. OK. No, I don't think we're Facebook friendly. I post our Instagram stories to Facebook. Really?

I don't know what account they go to, but it's linked to something. Yeah, we're on there somewhere. Hell yeah. Wait a minute. Do we have a fate? No way. I'll be pissed off a new untold story i'm leaving all this jazz in. Yeah, fuck it.

It's good jazz. I think we cut it after... I think we cut it right before... What was the last line I had? Yeah, yeah. Right before DM. I think it was just like, that was a good episode. 40 minutes is good. Yeah, I know.

I think it was one of our funniest episodes. good episode. 40 minutes is good. Oh, you want me to dump you? Yeah, I don't. I think it was like one of our funniest episodes. Yeah. I just want to do this for my own. If I could try back on, how can I assist you today? Do you guys have dongles? Dongles? Yeah, dongles. What's that?

It's like the device that connects the non-Apple earbud to the iPhone. Oh, the little extension thing to plug it into? Mm-hmm. Okay, I'm going to double check one second. It wasn't her. No. She seems a lot better. But nobody knows what a dongle is still.

That's a horrible name for any piece of technology. That should be like the fucking fifth backyard again. Yeah, but it needs a name. And the whatever the headphones. Who are the backyard again? Pablo. Pablo.

I just remember Uniqua. Uniqua. And dongle. Yeah. Swear to God if they have. You got a dongle. Oh no, they're head fins but no dongles. Yeah, but I didn't get a if they have a dongle, heads will roll.

What are you doing? She can't see you. I know, I'm just a fucking on edge. Is that your on edge? Like you're actually edging. That's your on edge face figure it out i went to another i went to verizon they didn't have either it's insane where do you get them hello yes i just double checked it it doesn't look like we have the adapter to connect. Okay.

Okay. I'm actually glad to hear it. Thank you. Of course. I'll be of a fantastic aid. Yep. Yep. Thank you. Yep. She was great. She was great. She was great. And I still don't believe she actually, the other one actually looked. This will be a really disappointing post-credits scene at the end of our podcast.

Yeah. You want me to reject your reply to what I'm going to say? No, you're just going to say like the end of our podcast I knew I told the story. It's a fresh, big, untold story. I knew I told the story.