A New Untold Story - A New Untold Story: Ep. 312 - God Bless

Episode Date: October 6, 2022

A New Untold Story: Ep. 312 - God Bless - The bad boys of podcasting are back from their live show in Boston - Ad: Gametime - Download the Gametime app at https://barstool.link/GametimeApp and redeem code UNTOLD for $20 off your first purchase (terms apply). - Ad: Manscaped- Get 20% off and free shipping with code ANUS at https://barstool.link/ManscapedBSS - Ad: Hellofresh - Go to Https://barstool.link/HelloFreshSTORY and use code STORY65 for 65% off plus free shippingYou can find every episode of this show on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or YouTube. Prime Members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. For more, visit barstool.link/anuspodcast

Hey, A New Untold Story listeners, you can find every episode on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or YouTube. Prime members can listen to ad-free on Amazon Music. We good? Yeah. That's your reply to what I'm going to say. No, you're just going to say, no, that's A New Untold Story. Hey, is that story old or told? No, baby!

That's A New Untld story. A new untold story episode 312. We've done that so many times. Have we done 312 a lot? This is the first 312. I think this is the first 312. Yeah, okay. All right. That's an area code I don't have to Google.

Chi-town. Oh, fuck. I'm sleepy. You are sleepy as hell. Kyle, this is post-live show. We just got back from Boston this morning. 6 a.m. I've gotten two hours of floor sleep.

Yeah, I'm on two hours of total sleep the past two days. Me, you, Moresh shared a shared a two bedroom. Shared a bed. You could have slept in the bed with me. We could have constructed a gay wall like I said. I gave Moresh the bed.

You don't know how to build a gay wall. I don't know what that is. It's when you do pillows down the middle of the bed so you can't do any... Not that we would, but you wouldn't roll over and like feel dick. Unless you'd be like Gorbachev. Tear it down with your gay dick. Tear down this gay wall.

I would be West Germany. I'd have you. Are they the good guys? Berlin. What's that mean? It doesn't mean anything. It doesn't mean a single thing. So we had our live show yesterday.

It was really, really fun until the end. I got gifts thrown at me on stage. I got a squirtle Lego set. I'm going to be building that tonight. And I also got,'t Be Jealous. What? What is that? That's a signed Newt Gunray. Newt Gingrich?

No, Newt Gunray. What is that? What do you mean? From the Trade Federation. Signed by Newt Gunray. This character? Well, yeah. He didn't sign it. The man in the stume. What a dumb hobby. Sorry, Newt. Isn't that like you're one of your like biggest passions? Yeah, it's his biggest passion. character well yeah and sign it well the man in the stew what a dumb hobby sorry no because not like you're one of your like biggest passions yeah sorry no no but yeah it's a sign new gunray numbered 82 out of 99 no it's a cool it's i actually get the appeal of card collecting

it's yeah i'm surprised you don't do it you have an addictive personality yeah um anyways if i will give you this so you could start your collection if you could name 10 pokemon uh yeah i could do 10 20 that just changes it all up okay and is like you're that's cool that's like you you're intelligent enough to recall the popular names. Name 10. Diglett. Yes. Geodude. Yeah, dude. This dude never made it past Mountain Moon. Charizard. Charmander.

That's four. Blastoise. Sure. Squirtle. Yeah. Venusaur. Sure, yeah. Riachu Pikachu One more One more The fucking cat

Ash's cat I mean I'm sure you're not thinking Incineroar. The third one of the Charmander series. No, you can't just do that. And it would be the middle one. I know, I'm trying to think. Middle evolutions are awfully tricky.

They're goofy looking sometimes. Mewtwo. All right. I don't want it. Are you proud of yourself, though? No. Charmeleon. Yeah, I don't want it. Are you proud of yourself, though? No. Charmeleon. Yeah, I don't care.

Now, if I can name 100. If I can name 400, I get to keep the card. I'm actually fine with that being the podcast. I'm dying here. Just name 400. That kind of people will love it. Today's episode is brought to you by game time we love game time it's uh dude i have to go see fucking kygo today but for free yeah

that's awesome with game time well that's for us the people that use game time the other people will get 20 off which is awesome you can go see kygo or any tropical house island house i'm not seeing kygo dude i am two hours asleep. It's created by fans for fans. GameTime is a ticketing app that makes it easier than ever to score last-minute deals. Tickets to sports, concerts, and shows. They guarantee the lowest price. MLB playoffs are underway.

Now's the time to give GameTime a shot. Who do you got in the playoffs, Kyle? I like the Guardians. Yeah, bud. I've been using the GameTime app all year. I went to I went to Illumination on Ice Yeah bud

Download the GameTime app Go to the account tab, create a login Redeem code untold for $20 off your first purchase Of course terms apply But we all knew that Download GameTime last minute tickets Lowest price guaranteed Owen you've been hanging up the

phone but first you've been saying god bless before you hang up i want to let you know i'm claiming that that's my sneak that into his lexicon i that's my thing yeah i'm gonna do my thing i know i saw and i'd like everyone to join i was on the phone with you and uh you were on speaker and you're like all right god bless just hung up and i was like yep that's mine yeah feels good thanks Thanks. Oh, and inspired it. I wouldn't say he put me up. You inspired my God bless.

So that was pretty cool. Actually, it was when we had just got to Boston Christ yesterday and Mook and Owen drove past us in an Uber and Mook had his head sticking out of the Uber, yelled our names and Mook. I mean, you're the, you're the reddest guy in the world and kyle looks at me and he said who was that i think you said who that is who that is yeah um yeah i thought he was on i thought i was a fan on some fan shit no i can't see dude my eyes are getting worse by the day. That's the other thing. Can you read?

Can I read? What do you mean, can I read? I know you're able, but can you see well enough to read? No. Oh, I can see you close. I feel like you couldn't read the news jokes last night. You could not. It worked out better because they ended up being funny.

I think the room was dark. Yeah, so. Yeah, no, i couldn't read i was so drunk but so nervous that i couldn't feel the drunkenness but it was still affecting me yes the the adverse away that worries dude uh somebody just tagged me i thought i was above nerves no no not at all like not even the slightest i was this dude that was at the show just tagged a picture with me and i look like uh when papa john had to get carried carried out of the kfc yum center like my hoodie's like all the way up my underwear is just sticking out oh yeah i'm just fucking wasted oh my god um yes yeah i look

like that when when papa john was red being carried out sweaty um yesterday how do you think it went dude i i always it's all a blur it was like a blackout i wasn't blacked out i drank enough to be blacked out but i was so nervous that i couldn't feel it um but i feel like people laughed some people had audio issues i think fasoli infiltrated people yeah there were people that came up to us afterwards so they didn't hear um what we were saying necessarily but uh but even they said they enjoyed it but they enjoy right so you're lying to me i did have a guy the thing is those people were drunker than us there and so this guy came up to me at the end of the show and he was just like dude we couldn't hear you but the couple

right in front of us were crying laughing and i was like oh where are they he's like they left halfway through i was like they had somewhere to be they had somewhere to be yeah and then i had another guy come up to me and he was just like um you uh i don't know why he felt the need to say this but he was just like, I bet you feel like a real sly guy taking everybody's money like this. I was like, what? He was like, Kyle's over there surrounded by fans. You have nobody.

And I was like, Jesus Christ. Yeah, I mean, it was, yeah. Good news for him. I don't think we're going to make any money from it. Yeah, so. All right, yeah. So I did, yeah. I mean, I liked doing it

and I liked those type of events, but I. And so we paid out of pocket to go do this. Because we were going to get some money. So it was a direct reaction to the OnlyFans rush. A little behind the scenes kind of thing. Yeah. So. So not only.

If it's out of our pocket, we can go do these shows and we can get paid. Right. That's a new thing. So we've done it in the past with ronan sass through barstool yes and didn't get the pocket anything nothing um this time yeah we're making money right yeah i need it um and now we owe two hundred thousand dollars so i went which is uh so i was to net my profit from being exhausted and miserable at work, probably going to get sick from all of this. Spending, you know, $100 at the bar for our bar tab, all, you know, food, this.

I was probably going to make about $45 doing this. And now I'm, we're probably going to be out about $200,000. So we, we hyped up the tomatoes and i thought the venue okay the tomatoes i guess it was a miscommunication because they were like oh we just thought it was like featuring tomatoes because i guess we the way we presented the language it was like it was a guest um which was a talking yeah yeah come on and uh there was a very expensive tomatoes don't belong even as a feature on most on sandwich and so yeah we had some tomatoes hit like a panel of this big two hundred thousand dollar screen

quote unquote yeah hypothetically we don't know if it hit they sent us a picture and it's this giant screen and then a little hand pointing at the damage and we had to zoom in and it's just like one little dead pixel and if it's one panel of they said it's a 50 panel screen that's gonna be four thousand dollars but they were like this screen's two hundred thousand and it's like that was the the quote they gave us first of i bounced, I bounced before this. So what I decided to do. Who was there? We sent Mook in. Mook was the one. Didn't you get on the phone?

You were just getting scolded for like 30 minutes. You guys didn't send me in. You left me in the war zone. To first get reamed out by the sound guy who was just like, yeah, you're probably not allowed back at any of our venues. They have a lot, right? They have like 10 across the country. And we were banking on that. Oh, yeah.

Yeah. This would have been good for us. But so he gives me a warning and then the GM comes up and she definitely didn't like our jokes. That's all I'll say about that. Did she state that? Did she express that? No, but she was not happy at all at all and uh she i remember her telling us to get the fuck out after the show yeah oh yeah

they did not want us lingering no and then she starts pointing at the screen and just goes you guys said the tomatoes were just going to be a special guest yeah that's insane like dead serious yeah and disappointed and then for probably 30 minutes she was just explaining but the picture of the damage quote-unquote does not look like anything we did it's just a dead pixel way high up on the screen yeah no tomatoes went up that hot no i'm luckily we were filming yes um so we can we have that on our side um the tomatoes were it was a controlled environment and only about seven to eight were thrown probably. And they all hit their targets.

Yeah. And they weren't like hefty throws. No, no. It was only the front row. No one was too aggressive or out of pocket with it. No. And there were no athletes there to do that. Absolutely not.

Oh, God. No. Oh, honey. No. They were. No, but I was happy with the turnout. Everybody seemed to have a decent time, except we decided to do anus jeopardy. I tweeted it out today from the anus account.

And the guy that one of the guys that volunteered, I don't think has didn't. I don't think he knew who we were. It could have just been like, what's the guy with glasses name? He would be like, I'm going to have to ask the audience on this one. He was right. He didn't know too much. He was answering them like literally like Waldo. He thought it was like real Jeopardy. He didn't know it was about our podcast.

At all. Yeah, whatever. I mean, thanks for coming. Yeah, I appreciate you coming. But hopefully we can get past this. We probably aren't getting paid. So we are. This was a big financial hit for us, especially with our current fiscal state.

It was tough. I don't want to put you – It was fun. It was fun. It was really fun. I laughed a lot. So we spent all week the previous week writing the news for it. We'll be putting out snippets of the

show and a vlog but this is gonna be a traditional podcast we have unfortunately I left my news unfortunately I left my news jokes in Boston Kyle what's that in my pocket

you got all right I thought you did in Boston. Kyle, what's that in my pocket? What? Alright, alright. I thought you did. This is just in here from last night because I have not showered or done anything. Dude, I have tomato seeds in all my pockets. Yeah, maybe we do need to look at the tapes.

We have a new shirt in the Barstool store. It's you can get one for $200,000. It's called I saved. I saved anus. We're so fucked. Anyways, looking back on these through with a sober head, we started off this pretty... We hit the ground running. Yeah.

A lot of the employees there fit the mold of some of the themes of this joke. I figured they would... Yeah. You said don't... What did we do? Well, here's the first joke. A fishing tournament ended in chaos when it was revealed that the winner was hiding weights in his fish. Similarly, I've had dates end in chaos because a catfish hid her weight, too.

It was a real beastly woman. Her Instagram looked like prime Chrissy Teigen. Real life her looked like Chrissy Metz from This Is Us. If you don't know who Chrissy Metz is, she played the actual behemoth. The village destroying behemoth. Perfect sphere Chrissy Metz. Yeah. The elaboration was a bit much.

Maybe a bit much. She's a bit much. No, she always. She bites much. She takes big chews but yeah she bit much of this fucking cheeseburger yeah thank you for the person in the hallway laughing i'm sure you heard my joke uh hurricane ian in weather news was downgraded to a truck when i said all right let's do a weather joke the crowd went nuts

I guess that's relatable like I've been outside before Hurricane Ian was downgraded to a tropical storm but it still wreaked havoc along the Gulf Shore Raymond James Stadium home of the Buccaneers took some damage as the storm uprooted 9

of 10 palm trees at the stadium entrance danger on the coast only one palm left Took some damage as the storm uprooted nine of ten palm trees at the stadium entrance. Danger on the coast. Only one palm left. This storm has a lot of similarities to pro-nubby surfer Bethany Hamilton. After she was brutally mauled by a hungry, hungry 14-foot tiger shark. So that was a classic. But then what we did was we reverted right back to where we started uh the new york mets have squeaked into the playoffs after a major slump they weren't generating any

offense the last grand slam the mets had is when this is us actress chrissy metz went to denny's maybe she should play for the mets when asked if she could help the team with rbis she responded you had me at RBs. So, yeah, maybe that's just standard fat joke. Yeah, right. But I don't know if that's like the standard anymore. She's beautiful. I know she's not.

I think she plays. That's her thing, though. She was cast for that role. Right. And I think she played. That's her thing, though. She was cast for that role. Right. And I think she was. Well, which role? Oh, all of them. Where am I?

The one you wrote. Yeah. The Spirit Airlines one. Passengers on board Spirit Airline. Passengers on board a Spirit Airlines flight gave a standing ovation tuesday night to a nurse on board who was able to save a life 36 000 feet in the air when a baby suddenly stopped breathing on the orlando bound flight the article claims that every passenger on the airline gave a standing ovation to the nurse but i know one person on board who couldn't put their hands together.

Melody Hamilton, reel them in, reel them in. Bethany Hamilton on board, on surfboard. Couldn't put her hands together. She only has one. A Spirit Airline? Wait, it was a nurse on board? Save a life? Do you know how to save a life?

How to save a life do you know how to save a life how to save all right wait kyle do you remember these from last night or were you like a different level of blackout where you remember it was like no it was like a kind of like a nervous blackout gotcha yeah okay do you got do you got him i think i got him i know i know I was on stage beforehand singing. Oh, yeah. My body went into neurological shock. This is going to be a big part of the vlog.

The whole staff was looking at me and singing. It was adorable. He's not about it. We're not going to do it. You sound me. So I looked at you and I said, are you afraid? And you said, no, I'm just frayed. But then you tried like 10 different songs.

You fell in love with the stage and you wanted to try all your favorite songs. You did the intro to I Hate College, like that voice. I ain't going out like a sucker. And then you started doing Breakfast and me and Owen were heckling you. We were like, start doing dinner jokes god damn um that'll all be in the vlog so if you're flawed man um how so just but we're god-fearing man god-fearing a helpless asian man was attacked and jumped by seven people in the bridgeport neighborhood of chicago and then so when you said that in Boston, people just like stood up.

Yeah. They thought the news was over. In like the same vein as like, how about the Patriots? Yeah. Helpless Asian man. Oh, man. But this guy. Yeah, I guess they were charged.

But seven people jumped him. They stomped out. Damn. Stomped out but seven people jumped him. They stomped out. Damn. Stomped out by seven people? You know who else was attacked by 14 feet? Yeah.

Bethany Hamilton was attacked by 14 feet. Damn, maybe we sucked yesterday. Yeah. Thank God we caused all that damage. Whoa! That's a lot of damage. That's a all that damage. Whoa. That's a lot of damage. That's a lot of damage.

This one didn't work. But people were happy I pronounced Worcester correctly. Yeah. They call it a booster shot. A Worcester Crunch Fitness is under some scrutiny for burying a time capsule containing members' personal items without asking their consent. It's a true story. This Worcester gym, the Worcester Crunch Fitness, buried a time capsule without asking members permission. They just pulled stuff from the locker.

A Crunch Fitness, they buried it. Crunch Berries? Is this a gym or a bowl of fucking breakfast? The owner of the Crunch Fitness is actually a British native. I guess it's a this a gym or a bowl of fucking breakfast? The owner of the Crunch Fitness is actually a British native. I guess it's a tradition there to do like a time capsule whenever you

break ground somewhere. But he wasn't, you know, fresh off the boat from London, probably a plane. He said members will just have to say cheerio to their belongings. have to say cheerio to their belongings you have the next two well oh and then but in and he was just you want to say what you said or do you want me to go

for it Owen was just like so the be real notification actually had just gone off and Owen very cleverly said that's one away from cereal. Beer. It should be a better app. Cereal.

That would be an awesome app. Maybe get your app. What should it be? No, it just sends you one picture of cereal a day. Alright, cool. Notifications always at 730 in the morning. I thought you were talking about it being a better appetizer.

Oh, no. I don't like that as an appetizer. A bowl of cereal as an appetizer is hilarious. I'm going to ask for that. Can we start with the Frosted Flakes? Yeah. Oh, I'm going to do it. Cereal as an appetizer is a great idea.

Should we pick up the Froot Loops as a table? You'd have some. Come on. Let's be bad. Then Kyle just eats all the marshmallows out of the Lucky Charms. I left you more than half. We're not splitting the check evenly. Be real.

More like cereal. Damn, Owen. Damn, son. College football. Yeah. Jimbo Fisher versus Nick Saban in a battle between two legendary coaches

with the unranked eggs at number one Bama. Eggs at number one? Is this a football game or a breakfast draft? Good pick, Carl. Good pick. The Kansas City Chiefs are off to a hot start

and are looking to make their third Super Bowl appearance in four seasons. Third bowl in four seasons? These guys must be taking advantage of the complimentary breakfast cereal at a luxury hotel resort. I always get Apple Jacks when I'm there. That's the only time I get Apple Jacks is when I get the little box in the hotel. The only time.

Yeah. They're only in the little box. No. Ah, yeah. Yeah. Chipotle hits different with their fork. You can't use it. Luke, what did you say hit different last night?

You did. Oh, yeah. So, I didn't say anything. The term for when things can't catch on fire is flame this. You said that type of pussy hit different. Oh, it does. And then you made a holocaust joke on Yom Kippur.

I didn't put that one together until you brought it up. Yeah, I did bring it up. Yeah. Good thing I just told everybody. I'm just happy I didn't bomb in Boston, brother. Oh, man. We did go there and I didn't know if I wanted to.

Is it? Yeah. Yeah. A new Untold Story podcast from Barstool Sports is doing their first live podcast in Boston. They were worried about filling the room, but sold out after just one day. Good on them. Worried about filling the room, but sold out in just one day. Sell ticks for just one day.

That's the career of Len Bias. Yeah. The door's closed, but I hear talking len bias yeah the door's closed but i hear talking but maybe the room's empty show yourself yeah what was that so i hear talking behind the door and it's shut yeah let me just open it peek in leave it open all right oh man uh yeah so then we started doing len bias jokes um half the people i think didn't know who len bias was the other half didn't like it making for making for yeah if you knew you were offended if you didn't know you were bored. Making for a hell of a live show. Yeah. Oh, man.

Like this one guy's pissed and the other guy's just like, let's get it. Let's leave. Oh, you weren't in the hotel room? No. Kyle usually watches ASMR to fall asleep. What type? I just switch it up well i like the barbershop ones i like leather making wallet making any sort of craftsman yeah

but we were like dude i don't want to listen to your asmr as you fall asleep and so you were just like all right i'm just going to moan myself to sleep. So we just, we just breathe in deep. No, it's not like a second. It's not a central. It wasn't a central. No, this is what I, this is bad. Like every time I think back of like something I did or said that I'm like embarrassed about, I just involuntarily let out like a groan or a moan.

You're right. And you were doing that to fall asleep. So you were just going through all these embarrassing scenarios in your head before going to sleep. Yeah. Couldn't I did. I slept for one hour on fall asleep. So you were just going through all these embarrassing scenarios in your head before going to sleep. Yeah. And I did. I slept for one hour on the floor. Yeah. Yeah.

The floor. You did pay for the room. That's nice. We done. We got these. What? Are we done with the news? I mean, if you want to read any more, you can.

Is there any ones you like? Yeah. This one was good this one right here a lot so Maresh brought us out the news and that was the most happy anybody was like biggest pop they did not come for us yeah he got

it was kind of surreal yeah we gave away the Maresh jersey we brought pat and joey out and their pop died the second they realized it wasn't maresh yeah yeah yeah one guy like wanted a second bring out and we did

it was louder than the first god damn he's got it made dude he has a good job stable life he reaps all yeah benefits more we don't reap he's divorced yeah which is getting kind of fire dude that's so funny i think it's a sign it's like a sign that you have your life together if someone's like yeah i'm divorced i think like oh he's mature yeah yeah but also he's just like doing well he's like i'm divorced but everything's

really good like oh yeah all, yeah. All right. Yeah. You're solving shit. No, this past year has been great. I got divorced, but everything else. Jesus. You should be less happy. We've created a real monster.

You did. I was content with him being a friend, not exploiting him. Oh, man. Do we make jokes at his expense when he came out on stage? I was content with him being a friend, not exploiting him. Oh, man. Do we make jokes at his expense when he came out on stage? Probably. Something about like, damn, I guess the Uber service here is nice. They'll get out of their car when, I don't know, something dumb.

I think I said, how nervous is Maresh on a scale of 7 to 11? Oh, yeah. I didn't even know where that came from, dude. And I just started bullying a chubby kid in the front row. Yeah, you kind of did. Yeah. I was nervous and I took it out on him. I saw a lot of me in him. So it made it easy.

Somebody tried getting into my hotel room with a yak coin. Yeah, somebody did try to follow you in the room. So it made it easy. Somebody tried getting into my hotel room with a Yak coin. Yeah. Somebody did try to follow you in the room. And we were like kind of panicked, like trying to like, I checked my bank account and I was six figures away from what we needed to pay the, from what we needed to pay the, the, the studio, the, the, the club. So I was freaking out a little bit and I was like, okay, if me, Kyle Owen put our money together, we can, we would be 198 000 yeah yes not joking yeah giving you guys the benefit of the doubt yeah nicky's gonna have to pull some weight jesus uh man yeah that was what that was like we were

like i was so excited after the show. And I go back in the green room and Tyler looked at me. He's like, we need to get the fuck out of here now. He handed me this bag and he said, put your head down and walk out. Yeah, it was like Morissette leaving Woodstock 99. It was exactly like that. God damn. She left with it.

Did she? Yeah, things were starting to go awry on day two really I didn't see the documentary yet watch the Netflix one less rape okay there was rape at Woodstock 99 HBO was heavy on it oh yeah I don't need to see that

you made a joke about that topic yesterday we did a segment we did a segment yesterday called Reasons We Almost Got Fired. I didn't, but you always bring this up, that I said that I correctly claimed that you can't read sitting down.

It's not like, it's not a joke, it's just like. I'm going to do one more of these and then you can do a few. Oh, any blue raspberry guys guys in the room right now yeah favorite flavor yeah

berry Boston no no how'd you fuck it up I'm tired as hell looks like you guys have berry bias berry bias that's been done here before when Len died It's tired as hell. It looks like you guys have Barry bias. Yeah. Barry bias. Yeah.

That's been done here before. When Len died. Fire. Yeah. People in front of me. I don't know why I assume like our fans from Boston would be like diehard Boston fans. That's kind of when we went with the intent like, oh, they're going to hate when we make fun of the Red Sox. They didn't give a shit.

Yeah, I guess we didn't think of that. I just assumed everyone was like a cartoonish depiction of a Bostonian. Everybody there was tall. There's normal people in a big city in America. Not everyone is. I had a dude come up to me and be like, dude, we're not that racist. And that was just like the extent of a lot of jokes. I'm speaking of that. I think they were some of them were some of them were racist.

And I bet you that the guy that had to say that, do you say we're not that racist? Yeah. He's like, Boston's not that bad. Well, I mean, we just have a headline that has no joke that just said Tori Hunter said he was called the N word 100 times at Fenway. Yeah, we didn't have a joke for that. We just wanted to. Yeah. And then like the rest of the headline was like Boston Red Sox confirmed.

It's true. Yeah. They're like, yeah. And they apologized. Yeah. But the Red Sox blow now. And everybody was like, yeah. I was like, damn, I thought they were going to like boo me.

Fenway is awesome. But yeah, the Red Sox not playing too hot uh they do play better statistically in their city connect jerseys they're 11 and 2 12 and 2 in their city connect jerseys which if you don't know what those are it's the yellow ones the the boston yellow socks um you know if that trend keeps up and they play so much better as the yellow socks they should change their name fully from the red socks to the yellow socks. I think it makes sense. It's,

it's still pertinent to Boston because the new name is Mark Wahlberg's favorite activity. Socking really, really hitting. Yeah. Yeah. You don't hate all your black players that's good for you guys uh cory dylan patriot big part of the super bowl win two super bowls maybe um well he was actually

doing an in-person meet and greet the same night we were he was at like a borders books and uh it's probably it's not borders anymore. Probably Barnes and Noble. But by now. Yeah, it was a Corey in-person meeting, which is safe in Boston. But a Korean person meeting is unsafe in Boston because Mark Wahlberg will come sock. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Just come hit you.

And then I was just like, who else is a Boston icon? And this dude in the front row goes steven chay i was like what in no ways yeah and zero ways a lot of a lot of crowd work a lot of people could have been made fun of i just went to the bigger boy his name was jared which is you should stay fat if your name's jared it's a bad trend to lose weight as a Jared. Oh, yeah. Yeah. God damn.

Yeah. All in all, though, what are your thoughts? I have none right now. It sucked like getting scolded by the employees. And we were getting scolded out in the lobby under a signed photo hanging up on the wall framed of Chris DiStefano. Oh, yeah. That was like that kind of sucked a little bit like we're getting thrown out of this place he's immortalized in yeah yeah fuck man if it makes you feel better rapaport was signed and framed as well do you does that make me feel better

no yeah no it makes me feel better a big fucking heaping box of hello fresh that's the only thing that could console me after i'm going to be ruined for yeah that or 200 000 cash yeah what would you rather do have two thousand dollars cash or a free hello fresh answer honestly call 200 000 take two i'm trying to think how low i would go fall is the perfect time to experience it's almost like how do you not know what to say in that situation do you think i'm riffing right now i'd rather have hello fresh than two hundred thousand dollars me too my dude it. Me too, my good friend. I love it.

I love their sweet chili tofu bowls. And you, I saw you scarfing down a spicy coconut curry stir fry. Mm-hmm. What was your favorite flavor in that? What was the mouthfeel, the texture? The pop. Mm-hmm. The crunch.

Yep, that's right. And you guys can get free shipping and 65% off your HelloFresh meal with the code STORY65 when you go to HelloFresh.com slash STORY65. Really, really good stuff there from HelloFresh. There was a college Quidditch match going on in Boston. When we were up there. It wasn't Harvard. But like one of the schools nearby. I think. Yeah.

It's still going. That's the thing. Yeah. So I like Googled it. It's not Quidditch anymore. Because they want to separate themselves from JK Rowling. Noted TERF. Anti-trans. So what is it? They're riding around on broomsticks. Throwing waffles. Yeah. Iling noted TERF anti-trans they're riding around on broomsticks throwing waffles and chasing

a snitch wearing capes and gowns how does the snitch work? I think the snitch is a human I think it's somebody dressed in gold it's just like the fastest one which isn't saying much they have what looks like a dildo you would imagine that

they have a dildo attached to their ass it's gold yeah a lot of them are like a lot of them are anti a lot of a lot of them jk rowling would not like yeah you remember yeah but uh i i mean a new a new a surgically made pussy grips a broomstick well. Yeah. So that's how. Probably true. Yeah. Dude, if you bring home a girl and she has like an end, you know, when gamers have like the indent on their heads, like after gaming all day. Yeah. Dude, if you bring home a girl and you see that she has like an indent from a broomstick, that's a brand new pussy.

Leah Thomas. That's a Nimbus 2000 dent. be the 2000 Venus Williams of Quidditch oh my god yeah but no they call it quad ball now I went through a phase where I would just like I was obsessed with like writing fan fiction headlines about Quidditch sexualizing it was a weird era

it was about a month before I got hired at Barstool you needed me so bad man because you changed your twitter name to it was yeah what was your twitter name like quit quidditch expert kyle bauer but you had like yourself you had a picture of yourself cut out in front of the quidditch logo like you were like a real i got real into it yeah it was like yeah i was like this is this is the one and you you tweeted more than you ever are those tweets still up that was weird to you yeah just got off the phone with jk rolling she said that harry potter used to jack off into his hand in parentheses to muggle porn before quidditch matches so the stickiness would make it easier to catch the golden snitch. Was that one of your. And then like I started doing like weird like wrap up or Schefter style quotes.

Like what? Similar to how American baseball players use pine tar to get an illegal advantage. Harry in quotes, Gryffindor seeker Harry Potter would use excess wizard semen on his palm as a prohibited performance enhancer. Admit it rolling while fighting back tears. In an interview with ESPN, I keep going. Yeah, it was a long time. Potter would ejaculate up to five loads. Jesus.

36 would convert it to muggle loads into his catching ham. That's like not my style of humor. Not my interests. You don't like Harry Potter. What was I doing? You were, did you blog about this i think i did a whole blog like a whole i think this is a large like you don't tweet a lot either so i think your harry horny quidditch reporter era is a large percentage of maybe like 15 of your tweets

you also tweeted jeff nadu brother i gotta find this cock you told me to i did and i was like hell yeah and then you showed it to me before you said i was like not capitalized brother or no i capitalized gotta maybe you said add brother okay oh yeah then i wrote a whole blog this is so weird witchcraft and jizz surgery the translucent truth about cheating and quidditch it's so long it has like dude that's so that's not your humor at all when was that that was i think it was right before yeah it was uh january 2020 there was a month before i started. Yeah. Man. Did you think that was it? To do that many tweets?

Yeah. I thought it was. Did the tweets do well? People loved it. Yes. Viral. Really? That was an era when it was just everything popped off. Yeah. I mastered that. Dude, I look back at my old tweets and cringe so bad.

It's lame as hell. Dude, seeing people back at my old tweets and cringe so bad. It's lame as hell. Dude, seeing people out on broomsticks, it's like, oh, this is Hogwarts versus Ravenclaw. Are they playing Quidditch? You're like, no, no, we're trying to separate ourselves from that. It's like when LeBron James' kid just had to change his number. Yeah. LeBron James Jr.

He went from 23 to 6. What are those guys doing out there was that team Hufflepuff god Harry Potter sucks in my opinion well it's a kids book my buddy Josh

one of my best friends he's a sheriff he he was deployed in Bahrain he was a marine beforehand and he had just was bored as fuck in Bahrain. He was a Marine beforehand. And he just was bored as fuck in Bahrain. And I think he had just too much money because he wasn't spending anything. He was just getting paid. All you can do is get tattoos.

And so he saw Harry Potter for the first time ever while deployed. He came back just with a full Harry Potter sleeve. Yeah, he has that. Yes think i have a lot well so now he's a cop and he has um what's the newspaper what's the newspaper newspaper called in harry potter uh do we know what the newspaper is called in harry potter uh fuck somebody somebody help me the daily prophet so my buddy Josh has one of the daily prophets

tattooed on his arm mind you he's a cop now and the headline is for Harry's uncle who escaped prison so his arm just says black still at large and he is arresting people and uh yeah oh love josh to death though he's a good guy he is he's a good guy uh but he does

he just came back i remember he got snape first his whole he's jacked too he's enormous intimidating yeah he he came back and he just had like his whole bicep was snape we're like dude what he's like yeah i'm on like the third movie he got he got this before the goblet of fire he was like that's how bored he was over uh Yeah. Love him to death, though. Full Harry Potter sleeve. How'd you get arrested by that? Remember when it was one of our very early episodes, we were we've talked about Harry Potter before. Just how J.K. Rowling is very racist with her names.

Yeah. Money Goldstein. So that's when we said. That wasn't it. But hers wasn't like much better. No, hers was like worse. I think like the Harry Potter, the kid that was in Ravenclaw's name was Greedy Banker. I'm joking. But it was worse than that, I think.

What was it? Cho Chang is the one Asian. And like people were like canceling trying to cancel J.K. Rowling because like Chang is like I think this girl was Korean and like Chang is a one Asian. People were trying to cancel JK Rowling because Chang is like... I think this girl was Korean and Chang is a Chinese last name or something. She did zero research. Yeah, no shit. Who's the black kid?

That was bad. In Potter? Yeah. Dude, I know nothing about Potter. What is his name? Regulus Arcturus Black. Regulus Black? No, that one's a worse one.

There's a worse one. Okay. And then the Jewish kid. Wait,'t the jewish kid named anthony jewish harry potter kid his name was anthony goldstein okay anthony's like the least jewish first name ever though yeah oh man um one second oh my god dude i am you're out of it yeah and just like a i was drinking so much i yeah and i'm i am completely i am uh i'm gonna go sober for a little bit i need to yeah like i walked into the yak and i was like struggling to even like sit upright and fucking

i feel like we're bitching too much no no and then like i get a text from this people just like text me and then it was like they just said your your new shtick is so cringy you sound and look so uncomfortable anytime you try to do it what's your new shtick yeah i don't think you've changed like you've honestly become more comfortable during the yak and then prior to that he was like how do you guys how is everyone so oblivious to the YouTube and Reddit comments? It's embarrassing that I watch a show Monday to Friday. I get texts all the time. What are you doing?

Sounds like a him problem. I'm like, I can say your number right now, right? That is pretty. i mean i have yeah no i won't do that i had a guy threatened to cyber bully me last night i know who it was yeah oh that guy was awesome he came up to you he was he was like yeah i'm a commenter sometimes bad i kind of i that. I like that a lot. Wait, that was the same guy. He came up to me and he was just like, I have nothing to say to you, but

I don't take pictures with people. So my wife's over there. She already took a picture of us. He said that to me too. And his wife was in like the background with her camera out. She was very nice. Yeah, she was like, and she like flipped it around and showed that she got it. Being mean. You didn't. Cool. Neither of you kissed him, right?

No. I kissed another guy that tried to follow you into your room. Because that guy, he kept saying, Nick and Kyle both kissed me, but you don't have to. I feel like they probably didn't. In the defense of the staff, imagine witnessing

these type of activities. Just swapping kisses with pins. Like trying to trade. Oh, I tried to flex and I sent a picture of me in front of the crowd to Venus. Oh, yeah, I know. I even cropped it down because right behind this, I wanted to make it seem like waves and waves of people. Just the back walls. Right.

I just it was very clever cropping. Hell yeah. Send it to Venus. And she responded pretty quick. They're getting quicker. They're getting a lot quicker. And she just said, get it. So she said she responded.

Get it. What? Exclamation. Let's see if it is. Exclamation. Get it. Exclamation. Oh, her? Let's see if it is exclamation. Get it exclamation. Oh, no, that's not good. Why?

That's, get it, honey. Yeah, that's something you say to the gay. There was an unspoken queen at the end of that. We gotta figure this out. Should I just respond? Get to the bottom and just say, I'm not gay, by the way. I'm not gay, by the way. Anyways. I fuck with pussy.

What's for dinner uh what are you having for dinner i'm craving indian uh anyways i'm not gay which oh man yeah you got to tell her tell her you haven't seen bros yet and you don't plan on it no i need to be way more up front because she just said get it exclamation point to me that's bad but i don't know i'm not saying it's 100 get it it could be get it nah do you want me to be like do you think i'm gay or actually there's a i only there's a five percent chance she thinks you're gay, but you need to know moving forward. I do. Ask just if I'm gay?

I'll ask her, am I gay? I was going to say, do you think? Honestly, I'm the type of guy you can pick. I'm real low maintenance. I'm going to text her, am I gay? I'm like the... Yo, Venus, quick cue. Take your time.

I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry to bother you. You just need to know if I'm gay. Oh, my God. Oh, man. She's responding. You got to... How do you... how do you have the willpower to not keep this conversation going because i mean it's venus if it were i don't know i just thought you

refer to her as venus now well i mean are you gonna confuse her with any other venus i guess i think you started this off like playful because you thought maybe it was like not her talking it's her talking yeah nervous yeah i'm not getting nervous how are you not nervous it's v she might be that's my vw bug it's just the one type oh no it's whatever dude that's like the pacing of a like dm conversation that always leads to like like the best love starts off like slowly everyone's like kind of like apprehensive they don't want to like come across as creepy both parties and then oh when it hits it hits yeah what that's like a top two feeling what's one when that when that long drawn out pack kind of like that will they won't

flourish flirtatious stage then it finally when you finally see in person it's on site it's on site shush uh manscaped kyle you don't need uh you why don't you set this one out because you're clean as a whistle uh let's talk fresh ball fall oh fuck will you read this one kyle it's a season of pumpkin spice and making sure your crotch looks nice oh i mean sipping cider in a fall breeze and using manned manscape products to trim your balls with ease perfect package 4.0 we all know about it uh you know if it was perfect i don't know if they need four iterations but uh but i love it the weed whacker nose nose and ear hair trimmer they finally perfected it it is ready to go it's flawless no no nick technology aluminum free deodorant it'll come

with uh two-in-one shampoo conditioner the weed whacker of course the body wash it's all great head to toe uh this this thing brought to you by manscaped uh i love it go to manscape.com 20 off free shipping with code anus it's 20 off with free shipping 20 off manscape.com code a n u s and we like them here on this show because they use anus as the promo code they're brave just ain't yeah that's that's how you know it's a good it's good people running that ship you guys got any uh any put-ons for the people heading into the weekend oh it's a really really good question uh kyle you go oh my god it could be anything musically any walk of life no any walk of life i've been listening to uh the song head sick by user x

user lowercase x with With the Manchester Orchestra. With the Manchester Orchestra. Yeah, it's really good. Recommend listening to that. That's Nicky's put on. Kyle? I am in a music drought. And that's the sign of a good put on.

What? You're not forcing anything. I need new music. What about you listen to User X? It's a one-off project project a vocalist and a rapper I got a humbling text message one of the parents of the kids

I used to work with they used to send me updates and yeah one of the kids is like 7 now they send me a picture and like a big update like how he's doing what was humbling about it school it's just like yeah what was humbling about that it was like he was like a chronically autistic kid and what's he

doing is he good now what i do for a living is essentially making a mockery of that family's biggest source of trauma. Yeah. Fuck. Damn. My put on was going to be a mook. Mook got upgraded to a permalance position. Yeah. Let's go, mook.

So not full time yet. Mook. But we're getting paid for five days a week now that's right so that's a good sign mookie baby here we are baby passing the mic permalance permalance um here's here's something though if you go full time of like full time full time what's up no i'm doing a podcast doing a podcast right now yeah tico uh mook uh what'd she say she smells weed smells pot yeah um no you're permalance which means if you get hired full-time you're going to take a pay cut yeah i think that's if i do well i lose money

that's what's gonna happen he's making pretty good money as like a freelancer oh yeah yeah permalance probably makes more details on it though there's no blabbing was just like are you down for this i was like yeah and that was it okay cool congrats congrats thank you okay. I'm happy to be here, but now I have to actually quit my accounting job somehow. Are you going to, well, you're bad at it.

Well, so you were, you opened up for out and about Pat and Joey. Yeah, that was Wednesday, Tuesday. Then you opened up for us Thursday, Wednesday,

Jesus Christ, Nikki. So you've been working at this job for a month. No, like two and a half, three weeks, three weeks. And you've been working at this job for a month? No, like two and a half, three weeks. Three weeks. And you've missed how many days? I've missed like a full week. This is insane. I had monkey pox. And then I had a bachelor party in Rochester. And then I had a family emergency in post oh these are your excuses yes yeah so what was the bachelor party with sass yeah in rochester though your bat do they ask how that was yeah show your face in the office yes do they i'm supposed to be there tuesday through thursday

did you go today no okay no my flight got delayed last time i was baffled about this i got shit on like this is this this is how you can do this uh corporate america is like one giant scam in my opinion i agree but i didn't know like you could get to that extent yeah i've reached a level that's dope no because i'm not on a client yet so i'm like on the bench at work like they're i'm like interviewing with clients and that type of thing. Cause I'm a consultant technically an accounting consultant. It's boring, but I don't know. I'm just really hiding at this point. So now I have to break it to them that I'm quitting three weeks in after doing nothing. But three weeks in after missing a week and a half.

Yes. So a week and a half in, Can you call in and quit on the show? Right now? No, you don't have to right now. Okay. Yeah. You freaked out, dude. You just started freaking out. You were going to do it if we made you? My God, I'm not going to force you. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. Right now, I guess.

Right now? Dude, stop. Yes. Yes. I'll talk if you want. Yeah. Sure. wait let kyle talk because they don't know what you sound like yeah they really don't no yeah they barely know what i look like i did have a dude recognize me in the office though what'd he say he was like aren't you uh a comedian out out loud in the middle of the office i was like who's asking him he was like he was like yeah like you're like kind of funny oh jeez thanks dude dude who's asking is the funniest thing when somebody directly asks you a question one-on-one who's the highest person at your current company that you

have their phone number uh i have a director's number can kyle ask them jumbos or minis? No, no, no, I can't. My body might get in legal trouble. My body cannot handle that right now. That would be great, though. Will you quit next episode? Will Kyle quit for me? Yes. Yeah, I will call it a quit for you.

That's the end of my corporate career if we do this. Just a heads up. Like forever? Probably, yeah. Why? That'll probably make it around the accounting world what is there four of them how you cocky dick no the accounting world that'll rock the accounting world did you hear about connor mook not wait that guy that worked somewhere for five days not much

dude like it's like whoever the george bush accounting is, somebody's leaning in to tell him as he's telling a story in a classroom. I mean, not much happens in the accounting world. Dude, it is a gigantic profession. It's probably 70% of adults' jobs. It's very well networked. It's like a super tight network. Everyone knows everyone across different firms. They don't know.

You have a secret life that you're getting away with. But a lot of people know that I used to work with them. You think you would make any splash in the accounting world? Yeah, maybe that was cocky. That was insane. Yeah. Maybe I'm not realizing how good this podcast is doing or overestimating it. That might be all.

Yeah, that's definitely it. Oh, my God. I did just get a humbling text, though, on top of KB's humbling text. You did? Yeah, my friend hit me up. I got just get a humbling text, though, on top of KB's humbling text. You did? Yeah. My friend hit me up. I got a reply to that girl.

Yeah. She goes, you're in the background of Joey Kamasta's story? You're at your peak, dude. Oh, that's. Yeah. Dude, somebody messaged me when a video clip of our podcast was like on Barstool and they were just like, how'd you make it to Barstool? Like there was like, yo, you made it on Barstool. Did you see it yet? I was like, barstool and they were just like how'd you make it to barstool like there was like yo you

made it on barstool did you see it yet i was like yeah yeah i hate when like uh like fucking didn't i think we've talked about this before but like uh one of those meme accounts just like this happens i'll post one of my tweets or yours from 2017 you finally finally made it. You made it. Because memes are posted. Beige cardigan. Used a screen cap of something I said. Oh, do you guys know the gamer

Ludwig? No. He's a very big gamer. He was the biggest YouTube channel. He did this 24-hour stream. It turned out, for every subscriber he got, I think he added a minute or something. It ended up being the longest live stream of all time. I think he did it like 24 hour stream it turned out like for every subscriber he got I think he added like a minute or something it ended up being the longest live stream of all time I think he did for a month month long live stream so Ludwig

let's see here I thought you were going to talk about that face reveal from that dude dreams yeah I saw that oh yeah his trending he's ugly was trending yeah that's fucked up no yeah yeah he was a regular Yeah, his ugly was trending? Yeah. That's fucked up. No.

He was a normal-ass looking dude. Yeah, he was a regular looking guy. That's why I was afraid to become unanonymous. The longer you do it, the harder it is. Yeah. I used to hide my face on Twitter. I never did, but my dad was getting really mad. He was like, we have a very unique last name. This girl came up to me at the show. She was like, are you blank

Terani's son? And I was like, yeah. She was like, I work with him. I was just in a meeting with him. I was like, oh. She was like, yeah, it's weird, isn't it? Also, I think my dad thinks like the Twitter bio is a tweet because it changes his bio a lot. It changes every time I check. Don't

let a women ruin your life. Get a prenup. You said your dad's illiterate, right? He is struggles with reading and writings. So, yeah, kind of. Ludwig is the most followed Twitch streamer. I'm sorry. But he was doing a you laugh, you lose.

And guess whose face popped up. This is like, I'm guessing, a funny-looking face. He's doing a You Laugh, You Lose. 16 minutes, 3 seconds in. Ludwig, the largest Twitch streamer. His little-ass hat. Oh, come on, me! And guess what?

They didn't lose. They won. Oh, come on. Oh, me. And guess what? They didn't lose. They won. Oh, yeah. I mean, there. But I think there was a little reaction from him. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Ludwig raised his eyebrows.

That counts. That's a win. Hilarious to him. Oh, yeah. It's crazy. Yeah. Your dad changes his Twitter bio every single day. It's yeah. He's obsessed. Like like he's but now he's responding he has the twitter behavior of like me when i first got hooked yeah yeah um he's like he's now he learned how to retweet his own

responses to get more exposure he's like he's engagement hunting he's retweeting the response and he's also copying his response and quote tweeting the tweet he responded to. Yeah, I actually told him to do that. I'm trying to get him to 6K. Well, he's got to choose one or another. Yeah, I know. Whatever. Is he getting too popular?

Yeah. Yeah, he says he's getting a lot of creepy DMs. Do you think it's going to his head? People think it's me. It's not. None of it's me. It's a conspiracy. Oh, man. All right. That was episode 312 thank you to mook thank you owen apologies for the lack of energy don't apologize owen

anything anything going on owen uh no but the low energy will be worth it when we put out a polished version of last night's live show on the YouTube. Yeah. The audience wasn't mic'd, so they were laughing. They just weren't fucking mic'd. God bless. We need money. God bless. God bless. God bless. You mean you're exactly replying to what I'm going to say? No, you're just going to say,

No, that's a new untold story. Hey, is that story old or told? No, baby! It's a new untold story. A new untold story. It's a fresh, big untold story. A new untold story. A new, untold story.