A New Untold Story - A New Untold Story: Ep. 313 - King Kunta

Episode Date: October 13, 2022

Not gonna lie, this episode is a sad one. End of an era. The future is bright for the ANUS boys.You can find every episode of this show on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or YouTube. Prime Members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. For more, visit barstool.link/anuspodcast

Hey, A New Untold Story listeners, you can find every episode on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or YouTube. Prime members can listen to ad-free on Amazon Music. A new untold story episode 313? Couldn't tell you. Yeah, I guess you kind of just... Detroit. Is this carrying over across... We do this every time, and I was first. Oh, I thought that was a lyric from Kendrick Lamar.

The way you said it, you were still in Kendrick Lamar voice. Is it Detroit? It's 313. It's the first time I ever got it right. Uh, three one three. Owen's final episode as a barstool sports employee for now. Um,

I want to, I was thinking of what we would to name this episode. I was thinking good boat Bowen. Good. What's goodbye. And Owen farewell. Owen. Well,

instead of farewell, it's pretty good. Good. Owen. Let's just, let's just Rudy's here. So let's pretty good. Good Owen. Let's just Rudy's here. So let's just title it about Rudy. Yeah. Yeah, that's better. A lot of people thought

we were going to get Fasoli to fill the void. Fuck no. Oh, no. Oh, hell no. Oh, hell. I guess we could have done that better or some sort reveal uh rudy will be taking um owens responsibilities we still have tyler making the youtube we still have mook uh sitting around

doing the clips being read um before we get into anything today's episode boys out of the dollar signs that they pay us this is our highest dollar sign yet game time for those listening can you and people people are using it people are using game time yeah people are they're tagging us they said yeah it's a phenomenal app guess what i used it for did you go to a meet and greet what i don't know what did you use it for fred again no you didn't i got the tickets happen no it didn't. I got the tickets. Did it happen? No, it didn't happen. You're not going? Yeah. Am I? I got two. All right.

Yeah. Every clip I've seen has been sick. All of his, like, he's holding up. It's not just, like, his boiler room performance. All of his live show clips have been unbelievable. And you can see that thanks to Game Time. Thank you for the $5 signs. We'll keep this ad PG-13.

Get the fucking ticket at GameTime. With the MLB playoffs underway, you can get MLB playoff tickets. Download GameTime. Create a login. Redeem code UNTOLD for $20 off your first purchase. That is, I mean, the Atlanta Braves tickets were $7. That's just a free fucking ticket to a playoff game to of a world defending world series team pretty sick that's yeah zero dollars that's less than a midtown bud light that's less than a way less than a midtown bud light um

who the fuck shit is this what podcast was in here before us some type of game not really because it's a game Not really, because self-awareness starts with self-reflection. Oh, and it's a metallic box. What is that? What's in the box? Is Rudy's mic on? I don't hear him.

I think that's fine moving forward. Off to a great start, Rudy. Wait, is it on? No, that one's on. That one's broken. Mook, we'll have you share a mic. That one's broken? We should have known that.

This is embarrassing. It's okay, guys. For you, dude. Not us. Rudy, we start every podcast with the news. I've heard about this. Yeah. I feel like you should have done a little bit more research. You haven't seen it? We start, Rudy, we start every podcast with the news. I've heard about this. Yeah.

I feel like you should have done a little bit more research. You haven't seen it? I've heard about this. Here, let's just scoot chairs down. What the fuck, Kyle? You just scooted your chair down? Did you just inch over like two inches? You said, shh, let's scoot the chairs down. I only think of this podcast in terms of me,

instead of collectively. What do I do? That was like the perfect look into Kyle's brain. Yeah. All this shit on himself. Straight from the bottom is the belly of the beast. From a peasant to a prince to a motherfucking king.

Ah yeah. The ah yeah is so good. I was gonna kill a couple rappers, but they did it to themselves. Everybody's suicidal. They don't even need my help. I think this is kind of racist how you're doing it. I should probably run for mayor when I'm done, to be honest.

And I put that on my mama and my baby boo too. 20 million walking out the club. Betty Woo Woo. Ah, yeah. Fuck the judge. Made it past 25 and there I was. Little nappy headed with the world behind him. Life ain't shit but a fat vagina.

I spent years. Well, I spent like two days straight learning the lyrics. Those are so different than yours. No, then this was in college. And then five years, like just doing it every time I go to the shower, singing it to myself, like thinking I perfected it. I never had the balls to actually perform it in front of anyone, let alone live on like on a show

and today we got in a heated discussion on the yak about like fast food and i it just in my intrusive like lyric singing just went off i didn't like want to do it but it just it just went it just came out you could not be stopped yes um in my when i do it in the shower it sounds perfect it sounds like i'm emulating kendrick to a t when i heard it over like when i heard it the recording it's not quite there can you do it in your own voice because it almost sounds it's audio blackface yeah it is like do the voice do that voice you're doing singing but do it, but talk to us in that voice. Stick a flag in my seat. Now talk to us.

You're still doing it. Everybody's screaming, come on. Okay, now just say a non-bar in that voice. I can't. You can. I don't think I can, yeah. It's just one of those things. Like what?

What else is one of those things? I can't do that voice unless i'm singing that song well i couldn't even do the bar yeah yeah if i gave you a word to say you couldn't say it in that voice i don't think unless it's one of the words in the lyrics to king kunta get this out of here that is a wild i did not i did not expect the first episode to be featuring kendrick lamar no i figured as much yeah it's been that's a big get that's still just so in frame what's up with you and just scooching things a tiny bit yeah dude i was just laughing to her but i was temporarily blind like when you almost faint

yeah it was fun you doing like a live, you should take Tyler O'Day's role on Christmas of singing. Just do that. Just do that. Kendrick Lamar Christmas album. It has to be acapella though. The time consumed on this song is insane. It's not even joking.

Like for a while, 2014 to 16, every day. You could have learned a language. Yeah. Oh yeah. Like Swahili. a while 2014 to 16 every day so you could have you could have learned a language yeah oh yeah like swahili um yeah do the bridge spanish probably spanish could have learned like spanish yeah or swahili i can do the whole thing um what's the bridge where you and i was walking what how's that go where you when i was walking now i got the whole thing's on king kuta yeah

i don't want to keep doing it um yeah you do you do so i want it to be the whole thing on King Kuta. Yeah. I don't want to keep doing it. Yeah, you do. You do so well. I want it to be the whole podcast. I just want you guys to be like the acapella. Who got the yams? But yeah, we'll get in. We'll get into that. First, we have the news.

I did prepare one. Let's hear it. For you guys. Yeah, let's hear it. And I'm kind of nervous. But I figured since this is my first day, I should bring something to the table, even if it's not good. Well, we've been getting progressively worse with these. Okay. Yeah, now it's just.

A little spoiler. The news jokes, the more of our priority has gone to another project that's been sold uh with with one other person um pft i was trying to be a little bit okay no no no no no that's good it's good because they're gonna have to figure out what the letters stand for right they won't have a fucking clue who yeah they have no idea who that is yeah but it's a whole space opera that we're going to be working on i believe are we allowed to spoil that um we're that? We're doing a show with similar but very different news jokes. Football themed. It's all NFL football themed.

So these are going to take a tremendous hit. I thought you were going to say when you didn't have time to work on the news, it was because one of your co-hosts was focusing on Kendrick Lamar for two years. I always pretend like I don't have time to work on the news. This is pre-Trump. That's six years. I always pretend like I don't have time to work on the news. This is pre-Trump.

That's six years. I know. That's what I'm saying. It felt so good to get off my chest. You've been, yeah. And you do it. You did it and it landed so well. In my head, I was like, I'm finally going to do, I'm going to do it at like a party

when I'm drunk or like I get like the kickback. Everyone just goes, I don't know if people would like that in the middle of a party. Yeah. Like while the song's on? That would be way more sensical than doing it on a live show for the first time ever.

I know. You did a sink or swim and you were like, you were felpsing. As soon as you start singing and trying to emulate Kendrick Lamar, you can't. You gotta go 100%. Because if you do like 20%, it's the lamest.

It would be the, I was going to kill him. Yeah. You gotta go full Lamar. Full Lamar. Full Lamar. Full Lamar. Lamar's on top, Kyle.

Like a billboard. We tried to do a whole new segment of all billboard jokes, but it turns out there's one. Yeah. That's the only billboard joke. Lamar on top. Lamar is on top of the billboard. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. It makes perfect sense. Billboard inception. Billboard jokes. If there was. Yeah. That's all we got. But that is all we got but that is all we got but it's like it works so well lamar on the top of the billboards yeah yeah i've seen that like a

white guy that's never heard rap could be like yeah you got a billboard no i i don't know at all what you're talking about a bill billboard is like a big sign. Lamar is the company that does billboards. So when you look at a billboard, there's usually Lamar plaster. It's in red. I have actually noticed now that you say it. Yeah, you shouldn't have to explain your punchline. No, we do.

Exclusive. We have to. Yeah. That's because our jokes are bad. Yeah. They're just super niche. You guys' knowledge base is deep. No.

All my jokes are about the same three things. Which are what? Black, gay, and trans. There's a rich well, though. Yeah. No, no. Black, LGBTQ, trans. It's my BLT.

Which is much better than a fucking sandwich that relies heavily on tomato. Okay. That's the main. Then I actually, I'm, uh, stop coming at me about the tomatoes. Like you brought it up.

Like you just brought it up again. Yeah. Like I eat tomatoes often. It's not like I refuse to eat tomatoes. Okay, man. I feel, yeah, people are attacking me. Yeah, they have shooters out there, dude. They're not bad. I'm just saying there's better options. Someone actually gave me a scientific explanation which helped.

It was like the tomato gives you a sensation of umami, like the saltiness, and it makes sandwiches better. Tomatoes aren't salty. I think they are, yeah salty i think they are yeah i think they i think they are bro you need a you just can't say that tomatoes are salty that's my new strong take i'm actually big into tomatoes but they're salty you've been reformed he went to convergence therapy for tomatoes he realized they were salty all right rudy let's hear yours man okay this is my my news i wrote this on the subway this morning

this is a lot of pressure yeah apartment therapy.com asked three plumbers what they thought the best dishwasher detergent was for consumers of the three only one named a detergent the other two thought it said dishwasher deterrent to which they said they thought a wall would work best yeah that's pretty much on par um i'm shocked i have a very very similar joke in mine it's about washing dishes it's about washing oh no it's not it's not dishwashing oh fuck this sucks we're syncing up already. Jesus Christ, we're like moon sisters.

How does that make you feel, Owen? Oh, shit. Pretty good. Yeah, he wants nothing but the best. Mook, do you have any? Yeah. You want to get them off your chest? Sure.

I love getting this shit off my chest. I got some shit off my chest this morning. You can't get shit off your chest. You have to drop the tea. I shaved my nipples. What? You shaved your nipples? Yeah.

Mine look horrible right now. But I've been cold all day. So I think that that's why. I've been having a nipple issue. I'll explain that later after the news. You can't get shit off your chest. You have to drop the tea? You can't get shit off your chest?

I would say shit, but I say chess. Okay. Shit off your chest. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. So, yeah, you can't just do that. Oh, what do you got, Mook? Goat mouth mammy fuckers. That sounded racist.

Yeah, that might be. I don't even know what that means. Wait a minute. Let's do a quick Google before we goat mouth mammy fuckers. What did you say? I said goat mouth mammy fuckers. That doesn you say? I said goat mouth mammy fuckers. That doesn't sound good. Yeah.

You goat mouth mammy fuckers. Let's chill real quick. Everyone chill. I'm on genius. I think you're good. All right. Yeah, you're good. Wait. Uh-oh. Oh, you're good. Wait.

Uh-oh. Oh, boy. Ah, no. It's a Jamaican saying. A person is said to have a goat's mouth when he or she wishes evil fulfilled. All right. You're cool. That's actually pretty cool of you.

Yeah. Yeah. Thank you. You're welcome. You're welcome. What do you got, Mook? All right. I got a normal news, and I have a roast of Owen if we're doing that.

Oh, shit. Are we doing that or no? Maybe you should hold off on the roast of Owen one. That's all I have. Me too. Yeah. All you have. Okay.

All right. And a dishwasher joke. Okay. All right. Kanye West wore a White Lives Matter t-shirt at a fashion show in Paris last week. West wore a White Lives Matter t-shirt at a fashion show in Paris last week. He then went on Tucker Carlson to defend

his fashion choice, which made Kanye and BLM supporters furious, especially because now his hit song, Blanks in Paris, has a completely new meaning. Hell yeah. Out of the way, Mook. Kyle, you have anything? Or do you want me to go?

Back and forth. I'll go. We're having a transition of power today on Anus. Let me read that like it's not us. The podcast Anus is having a transition of power today from Owen to Rudy. That's a lot like when we went from Trump to Biden. Actually, it's identical as we are going from a racist to somebody who can't read. I'm dyslexic. Rudy is dyslexic. We were, I already know what Rudy is dyslexic right now.

Before we recorded today, I text him, What's your ETA today? He responded with, Just a sandwich and chips. Because of dyslexia, it takes me a second to buffer that. What you eat today. What you ate today. While Rudy is very dyslexic, at least he's dumb i invited him over for wings last

weekend and i asked him to pick up ranch dressing he brought me boots chaps and a cowboy hat it's clothes you'd wear on a ranch rudy is obsessed with his streams. Are you a producer or some sort of fucking trout? Come on, man. You're not a fish. I thought we were doing a roast to Owen. Yeah, me too.

Let's get to Owen, though. During his off-boarding meeting with HR, they asked him if he truly wanted to be done at Barstool Sports. Owen responded by saying that he's done done. Off-boarding, done done, done done, done done. Oh, oh no that's not Owen at all that was pro surfer Bethany Hamilton oh no Bethany something really bad

is about to happen oh and this one's mean it's about something you can't change I don't know if I want to do it it's gonna be about my eyes and I'd like you to. Okay. Owen is always playing. Owen's always

playing on his damn phone. That boy is. That boy is. Face deep in that phone. Owen's always playing on his damn phone don't put it down when'd you eat when'd you eat boy

when'd you go to the bathroom you're always in that phone buried in that phone thanks Unc Owen's always playing on his damn phone his favorite game is Angry Birds

but his eyes favorite game is Angry Birds. But his eye's favorite game is Temple Run. His eyes are running towards his temples. Rudy laughed egregiously. That was good. I think they're fucking... That was good. If Owen were a pirate, he would agree by saying, I...

I... I... Owen is leaving the pod for money. A lot of money. Owen's fucking cleaning up. Leaving a pod to clean up? Is this dude a producer or a fucking laundry detergent? or a fucking laundry detergent? This dude? This dude's laundry...

This dude, detergent! A bottle of Tide! Yo. Easy, y'all. Easy, easy. Heal, heal. This dude, detergent. This dude ain't no producer. He's detergent this dude ain't no producer he's detergent as we know owen has been poached by the tim dylan show it was a hard decision for him but it boiled

down to pay an opportunity nobody can blame him for that. But when Nick, KB, and Tyler found out, they had to scramble for a suitable producer. Poached by Tim Dillon? Hard decision that boiled down to pay? Scrambled to find a producer? Is this a podcast or fucking breakfast eggs? This dude's fucking detergent. eggs. Dude's fucking detergent.

Thank you. I loved those. Yeah, I really, really went in on you. You did. You got anything, Kyle? They're all about Owen leaving to

get fucked by Tim dylan okay let's go mook first i don't think it's true by the way sure um let's go to a mook first if you want to owen is this fun for you yes uh wait before we do let's space out some fucking ads yeah um we're bad about that uh ad number two somebody that came crawling back like out of a TV in the ring it's Felix Grey we love their specs

love the specs of the specs Rudy we lost Felix Grey a couple times how'd you lose him Kyle will tell you we love him I love wearing the Franklin model who is that in the horizon Rudy, we lost Felix Gray a couple times. Come on in. Oh, really? Yeah. How'd you lose him? Kyle will tell you. Who's that? We love him. I love wearing the Franklin model.

Who is that in the horizon? Felix Gray lenses filter 15 times more blue light. That can make screen time tough on your eyes. It'll make it easier. Screen time. We're all looking at screens. Rudy with his streams. I live on the screen.

Me with playing a lot of Final Fantasy VI right now. Kyle, what was it? You're saying it was gay porn was that the type of porn it was that and kendrick lamar never i've never said that sounds like something you'd say uh check go to felixrayglasses.com slash story that's f-e-l-i-x-g-r-a-y glasses.com slash story. Free shipping, free returns, free exchanges. FelixGrayGlasses.com slash story. And the one rule we have here, Kyle. What's the one? My man. I mean, did you set me up for failure?

What is the rule? The one rule we have that you can't do with this company. Oh, don't tweet at them. I know their social manager. Great guy. Yeah, great guy. Funny great funny guy funny guy then i know them yeah don't say anything don't say anything off the wall don't don't and it's probably don't be like felix gray glasses are crap yeah feel dicks gay don't say feel dicks gay at all it's felix gray um anyway anyway connor let's do it owen wrote a dude dm'd you your place of uh work oh yeah i i have a work update

hell yeah we'll get to that we'll and mook's been uh an awful employee at his new job i heard he's double dipping so oh yeah well no he's not'll get to that. Mook's been an awful employee at his new job. I hear he's double dipping. Oh, yeah. Well, no, he's not even going to that job. No, no, we'll save it. We'll save it. Is this like when I... We'll save it.

Okay. Yeah. Okay. Owen Roeder announces he's leaving Barstool Sports to produce a podcast based out of LA. It is sad to see another star plucked from the East coast and dragged across the West coast by a large creature, except unlike Bethany Hamilton, he was not taken by a 14 foot tiger shark.

Instead, his arm was ripped by a fat gay pig man named Tim Dillon. I love Tim Dillon. That's good. I love Tim. He's a good guy. Kyle, what you got

I would have clarified that you loved me yeah that was way better that was way better not yeah alright

yeah it's hard to roast oh no it is he's steezy because I think it's like the dream opportunity and job

yeah I think Tim is a superstar yeah he's like an institution at this point in comedy podcasting. He has a very good eye for talent and picked the right guy. Yeah. Based on

his skill set. That's right. California to start phasing out plastic bags for fruits and vegetables. With the recent bill that will affect millions of California residents, there will no longer be plastic bags next to fruits and vegetables in the state's grocery store. Produce for countless people, but still not getting a bag.

Sounds like Owen's career plan until Tim Dillon noticed he'd be an easy butt fuck. He'd be an easy butt fuck. I don't think you're his type. Sexually, yeah. I probably am. Thank you. A 250-pound feral pig was found inside a cow carcass in Australia. A trace of the feral pig's blood and feces led local hunters of the invasive species to the cow carcass in the Australian outback. 250 pounds.

Trace of feces. A gigantic boar leaving the stool only to end up inside a rotting heifer. The identity of a female staffer. the identity of a female staffer, a Minka Kelly memoir, Tell Me Everything, coming out May 2023. She was the it girl.

Yeah, the 42-year-old, 42 now. Same age as Venus. The 42-year-old actress and model wants her fans to know that her life is not just a story of success and also doesn't want to be solely known for her role as Lila Garrity on Friday night lights. I think Owen can relate to that. Especially now went to Dylan, left the handicap guy,

promised him they would still be good friends, still ended up fucking Tim. That was nice. Yeah. Bravo. Bravo. Oh my God. That was beautiful.

One of your best. God, I feel awful for just making fun of his eyes. I think mine. Yeah. Oh no my God. That was beautiful. One of your best. God, I feel awful for just making fun of his eyes. I think mine. Yeah. Oh, no. I have a joke that if I was in Friday Night Lights, my slogan would be wide eyes, crooked teeth, can't booze. You've been sitting on that forever?

Yeah, dude. I was waiting for the last episode. Smart. He's like an Illinois helmet. Eyes on the side. He's trying to hop on. I didn't want to do this in the first... I never thought...

I never thought so either. I bet you if you took your fingers, we'd all pretty much be the same. Mine are close. Mine are very close together. I'm insecure about that. Once I became aware of it i think i've got peripherals like i go for walks and like i'll never be john oh yeah i look behind me yeah you're always walking into fucking poles uh what else um honestly since when do you have a retainer?

This? Yeah. Yeah. For years. Since before I learned King Kunta. That's a good reference point. Thank you. It's just loose. I understood that.

I've had this pre-Kunta. It does nothing. It's just loosely hanging there. I saw it. I caught the reflection today. Wait, why do you have it? To straighten your teeth? Yeah, but it's not even touching my teeth. Take it out.

I don't know how. Just rip it. Can you not take it out? Not myself. You need a spotter? You could fuck with it. You could wiggle with it. Can you put your tongue underneath of it? It doesn't bother me that much. Oh, he knows how to move it he does he fucking does oh man this is sad it's so fucking sad i want this episode to be like nine hours so we don't have to end it um um i mean everybody's been saying like goodbye like we're gonna see you every weekend and then you're probably still going to come in here so yeah this one is the hardest and easiest yeah like you like because

i'll see you guys the most yeah we have some we have some plans with some like uh we're going to start doing voicemails but only owen has our number um and it's probably going to be a live phone call yeah um you guys can find me and ask me what i'm listening to yeah out on the out in washington square park yeah owen made this a reality it was just a fake podcast i decided to actually do it owen was hired to do a completely different field of work yeah and was just out of he just did it for us yeah because he's like let me produce nobody would produce it time he had none he's up he's getting zero sleep and like our he pretended like our show didn't suck dick for the first 20 episodes whenever it was bad i had and like we used to have to stop

the pod we used to script some of our jokes and then we would redo them and he was like yeah yeah that was a good one he was yeah there for hours we were here for like to like 9 30 at night no benefit i started at like noon no one knew he was doing this for us for the longest time yeah um and they knew they found out as soon as you announced you were leaving yeah what you did yeah um i did that all of that because i wanted you guys to think i was cool ah yeah we did and i And it worked. We became best friends. You were always cooler than us. I guess because you were quiet. Yeah, that was it.

That was pretty much it. No, you know, sneaky, sneaky, steezy. Yeah, quiet, steezy is a good combo. Going out of his way not just to do favors, but to offer to do favors. Set us up live shows which cost that that's going to set us back I went out with a big boobie they are still calculating the damages

which if it takes a couple days to calculate damage it's an order a new calculator not a low number yeah they need there has to be the calculator had to update yeah the TI-84. Silver edition. That library doesn't transfer to

me, does it? Yeah. Because I put it in producer of. It wasn't my name. Cool. You have the cat. No, you've been... They posted, actually, my favorite Owen moment

on the subreddit of when you got kicked out of a concert for being too drunk. And then you said you cosplayed as a Down syndrome boy. And I was being a snarky cunt. And I said, you know, cosplay. Oh, and you know, cosplay is short for costume. What did you wear? I was trying to get you in a gotcha moment.

I'm sorry, Nick. I didn't know. Thank you for teaching me what that meant and um you were like yeah i wore a funny face you just stuffed me that reverse you know my god did he that was sick uh dude it was the best it never felt like work which is why i hope i could still do it whenever i have the free time yeah whenever i could sneak in absolutely um yeah it was the best but like you can sneak in you could just walk in nobody will know like yeah monday i got a text like saying hey your dad's here and i was like where at the door and he's like no just like around my dad was just walking around the like if you're a white guy come in yeah i just flannel over a sweatshirt hold a folder bring a vape yeah we're in yeah um

no thank you guys so much and also yeah ecstatic for him this is the we got a call to go to romania to interview andrew tate you had to turn it down in front of us because we were prepping our live show for 200 people he's gonna be to be doing shit like that. That was $1,000 that cost us for every person that showed up. Yeah. Huh. No, but it's like when Owen texted me, he was like, yeah, I'm like torn. I'm a puddle on the train.

I said, first of all, miss me with that. Pause. Big pause. And I think I said verbatim, if you don't take this, I'm going to beat the brakes off of you because and then i had to make sure you weren't being sexual because i would have took you up no no i know i would have clobbered you yes i would i would have knocked you around um you could tell i've never been yeah i would have given you a rough i would have really given you

i really really ruffled your feathers no gee but to the yeah i really really would have given you a rough time. I would have really given you a, I really, really ruffled your feathers. A noogie butt to the face. Yeah, I really would have tossed you around, bitch. No, because I think this door obviously is always open. You have a good relationship with everybody, but do you guys,

is there anybody you don't have a good relationship with? Yeah, there's a few. Yeah, I'm sure. But, yes. Big time.

The big, my biggest fear is like dying with regret or at least having a major regret. And so you going to do that once in a lifetime. Well, probably not saying it's not even once. But it's an insane opportunity that you give a year to you. You're going to be great at it. and it's just this door is open. You shouldn't worry at all. You're probably going to be worked to the bone.

Yes, I think I'm probably going to become kind of like an Austin. No, because I think you're going to be vocal on the pod. You were chosen for a reason. I just mean as far as hours. Tim isn't just literally the most successful comedy podcaster but he's also he is extremely funny we've been fans from

we've seen him live yeah this is a dream it is and just like to think that this happened pretty fast um i think it shows the the caliber of work ethic you have the caliber person you are it's sick uh i really appreciate it. Everybody said so many nice things the past few days. Yeah, what a 180 some people have done. Dude, Billy Football was like welling up. Do you have his number? No.

He better not have it. He has yelled at me to clean his food before. Yeah. I wish him well. I love the team though. And for the people that are bummed, yeah, the team's great wish him well. Yeah. I love the team, though. And for the people that are bummed. Yeah, the team's great. Tyler, now Rudy.

Yeah. It did. I do think my abrupt departure did. It kicked up some dirt. And I think, yeah, the anus team is getting a little more. We're good. And you're still on the anus team. Yeah.

I'm saying we got Rudy. We got a star caliber show. We got to start acting like a star. We're like the Breaking Bad of Barstow. How so? I'm saying we got Rudy, we got Connor. We're a star caliber show. We got to start acting like a star. We're like the Breaking Bad of Barstool. How so? I'm Walt Jr., your Aunt Marie. Yeah. Tyler's Skinny Pete.

Yeah. Tyler's just a meth. Owen Skinny Pete. Tyler's just a meth. He's the blue ice. Owen Skinny P Mook is Jesse Plemons yeah

who's he dating someone very up he's married to Kirsten Dunst pre Dunst pre Friday Night Lights pre Dylan Rudy is there no conventionally Attractive characters in that show Well you kind of dibs the

Conventionally attractive Walt Jr. is probably the hottest guy Who is hot on that show Objectively hot Kristen Ritter Girl I can't name a hot guy. Rudy, you're the pizza on the roof.

I'll take that. Yeah, delicious. Slowly falling off. And inviting. Yeah. And then what's, wait, what was Owen? What does that, is he? Oh, it was.

I was just getting pizza. Yeah. Oh, no, he was. Oh, what is it? The crab that was detected? I don't know. To the camera. Was there a crab? It was a turtle. It was a turtle with a head. Yeah, yeah. What is it? The crab that was detected? I don't know. Was there a crab?

It was a turtle. The turtle with a head. Yeah, yeah. You're the turtle. So no main character is a total of like, we are that sect of Breaking Bad. Breaking Bad characters. We're the characters 50 to 60 on Breaking Bad IMDb. Breaking Bad also loved breakfast.

They did. There was liker turkey bacon per show yeah no i think that was by design well yeah i guess of course it wasn't an improv show um they always just end up at breakfast breaking bad was a podcast dude our fly episode is uh whenever i wear a vintage shirt are you afraid rudy's gonna steal the steve yeah yeah i i disagree i think owen still oh for sure owen is one of the few steezy guys at Barstool, which isn't saying much. At all. It isn't. It's the cheerleader effect. If you're very sad at home about Owen leaving, BetterHelp.

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dot com slash new that's a pg ad i I think I can. Can you fart for it? Can you get up and fart for the ad? Can you fart command? Yeah. Better help. Better help.com. You suck air. Wait,

you can't fart right now? Damn, we could have used a fart for that PG ad. That's embarrassing. That is embarrassing that you didn't fart on camera. That is embarrassing. I used to be able to. You know what's embarrassing?

I've been trying to be healthy for the past year that's cringe eat help eat healthy uh a snack too much here in the office but my dinner's time i walk a lot i walk home from work every day it's like three miles um and but every morning i get off my subway at penn station and i have a meal replacement shake or so I thought I've been getting Jamba juice for the past 300 days every day. I always talk about it. I always thought that was a little odd. I thought it was a healthy meal replacement.

I looked up my drink. I get every single day. It is orange sherbet and ice cream with soy milk. Do they advertise it as no. Yes, they advertise it healthy i'm saying they do this and it's a scale it probably has like 600 calories it has 64 grams of sugar oh yeah and i've had that every day for 300 days about i don't think you could stop now i don't know what to do i I didn't get it this morning. That's on you. It probably tasted delicious.

I was like, damn, I'm cheating the system. This creamsicle. My God. It's doing everything. I swear to God, I need to go get blood work done. I've had ice cream for breakfast for the past year. I think that's worse than ice cream. I should be doing heroin. That's probably way worse. breakfast for the past year i think that's worse than ice cream yeah you're actually i should i

should be doing heroin yeah that's probably way worse oh yeah it's 23 of your daily value of carbs i've been having that every day so you're ripping off a quarter of your carbs every day i'm 30 years old and i've been waking up and having two different types of ice cream blended together for breakfast. Plus like all the additives, which are like, I don't know. The corn syrup. It's outrageous. This is not bad for you. It's bad for you, dude.

Yeah. Drama juice is wildly bad for you. Every single day. And like people, I think that's people have it for like dessert. Maybe that's a treat. Is it advertised as meal replacement? Are you eating? Are you drinking mango?

Go, go. No. What? Mango. Go, go. Is one of their drinks. No, no. I'm having the, I'm having the orange. Is it advertised as meal replacement? Are you drinking Mango Go-Go? What? Mango Go-Go is one of their drinks. I'm having the Orange Dream. My thing is, if it's delicious, it's not good for you. It's an orange nightmare for me. That was a small.

It has orange juice. Jesus fuck. Orange juice, orange sherbet,bet vanilla soy milk frozen yogurt ice cream uh and then there's uh unpackaged menu items that they can include so just other things and i've been having that it's 12 a day too i've been having that every single day and i've been like i've had a pep in my step dude i've been making fun of brandon walker i walk in with my shake i'm like another bagel huh fatso yeah you do that. You go at him for his diet. Yeah.

What size do you get? A medium. Dude, you've been sneaky spurlocking. I have been. You're eating ice cream for breakfast every day. Mixed with sherbert. Mixed with ice cream hybrid. That is disgusting.

Yeah, dude. And soy. I need to go get blood work done. I had the realization today. I was like, maybe I should. This is so good. And there's never... Your blood's going to be the red dip from Mr. Softy Trump. Yeah, dude. It's custard.

I have custard blood. Oh, no. I thought of it like a cheat code. I was like, nobody knows about the one in Penn Station. There's never a line. It's because it's 9 a.m. The workers are like, nobody knows about the one in Penn Station. There's never a line. It's because it's 9 a.m. The workers are like, what? That's incredible. I've added sprinkles.

Damn. All right, that's on you. I've never done that. On a much smaller scale, I did that with yerba mate tea. That's good for you. I assumed. It has a ton of sugar. God damn.

Yeah. I pounded those every day for a few months and then thinking it was like a real healthy switch, but I think I did that with acai bowls. I thought those are just ice cream. Yeah, that's that's an ice cream with fruit. Yeah. It's just straight sugar. The only healthy thing in the world is oatmeal.

I've been fucking up oatmeal lately. I've gotten oatmeal every single day. Overnight oats. I'm doing this right now with dollar slices. Yeah. Owen's got me addicted. I'm like, they can't be that bad for you. They're a oats. I'm doing this right now with dollar slices. Yeah. Owen's got me addicted. I'm like, they can't be that bad for you. They're a dollar. Yeah, exactly.

If something's cheap enough, it's good for you. I've had 10 slices in the past two days. Yeah. But like you said, it's like I went and got a dollar slice with you and you said it's like air. It's the equivalent of inhaling with maybe some pepperoni. Exactly. What? What?

That's so bad for you. I didn't think it was that what could it be that the fact that it's a dollar is insane yeah it's a huge slice of pizza it's very good like how could how could that be bad for you what is the like if it was like bad for you it would have to be more expensive oh you're just going oh yeah yeah yeah yeah it tastes like air it's those fucking 32 ounce arizona teas on the dollar and who's going who needs 32 ounces of fucking a sugary beverage or the or the kiwi strawberry don't drink it that's been sitting here that hit your dick it doesn't matter. That was a terrible look.

I should have caught that, dude. I should have caught that. It was a terrible throw. It was a rainbow over the desktop. This is pathetic, though. Yeah, that is pathetic. We did a whole episode. Look at how much it's foaming. Jews shouldn't foam like that.

Who is this? First off, no one is this thirsty for anything. I'm getting major deja vu right now. Yes, he's talked about this a lot. Off and on the pod. I've also been pissed off. I talked about my walk home. They open up a new restaurant that I have to pass every day.

And it makes me so fucking angry. It's an Italian spot. Is it bitch don't grill my cheese? No, it's worse. That actually makes sense a little bit. Yeah. This one's just called call me pasta. What the fuck does that play on? What were they going for?

I don't know. Call me. Call me. So call me pasta. Yeah. What is that? That's nothing. And then their main dish makes sense.

Their main dish, the most popular item, call me Alfredo, which is at least a name. Yeah. Yeah. And that's, isn't that a... But they don't need to say call me. Call me pasta. Is that a Call Me Pasta reference? Call me pasta?

No, Alfredo. I mean, there's probably just, it's an Italian name. Yeah, but isn't Fredo the guy that like... Alfredo is also a sauce. Yeah. I know, but I thought it was a pun. There's no Alfredo on this though. Oh, okay. It's Alfredo. No, but I've been racking my brain of what call me,

I don't know how to say it. I don't know. Are you flirting with, call me pasta or call me pasta or call me pasta. Yeah. But like, or like a James Bond. I don't know. I don't get it. You should walk in there and be like, what the fuck is going on in here? It's not designed like an Italian restaurant either.

I'm doxing right where I live. Because there can't be more than one of these. No, I bet there is. It sounds like hopefully maybe a clone. Maybe. But it's done like a really cutesy bakery it's it's designed like a baked by melissa but it's it's italian food call me pasta i immediately think less of the food when it has like catchy topical names for i hate it when they have

exclamation points yeah yeah this has this has both that's bad exclamation point should not be associated with any kind of restaurant you assume off rip they have shitty food if they have an exclamation point. It's like, why are you excited? You should hate your life. It's like Yahoo. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, they were too big for their britches, but good drink. You who? One of the few that they are

the exception to the rule is the exception. It's not a good drink. I might replace my Jamba with you. Not good. I think you're doing cool guy if you're just walking around sipping a Yahoo. 100%. Imagine that, me walking around sipping a Yahoo. Old soul.

It's a bad tasting drink. Yeah, it's chocolate water. It's not milk, right? It's a chocolate drink? It's a chocolate water, yeah. Which is, in theory, a bad idea. I like homemade chocolate milk over any form of syrup you mean yeah yeah syrup is goaded i don't cart

this comes with a side of chocolate yeah girls dieting like dip their straw in it and sip yeah i think girls do that with you're supposed to when you're dieting, dip your salad into the dressing. You don't put the dressing on top. You never end up using all of it. Are you on antidepressants? No. I'm trying to get more depressed. Yeah.

I'm on depressants. Yeah. Every time someone describes it, it's like they're describing a show that's like you have to wait till the sixth season to get good. What did you start him? No, because because everyone's like, yeah, you got to you got to wait. Like you got to take it for like two months and then you'll kind of maybe see the effects. Yeah. And that's the pinnacle.

Yeah. And they're like, you won't get hard, which ironically is very, which ironically is not only will you not get hard. I took them before I got this job. I quit cold turkey, which you're not supposed to do. I don't think I did the same right when I got to this show. Yeah. I just quit. I was like, I'm better now. I'm going to go be scrutinized by the entire internet. Um, I, I'm going to go from knowing 50 people, um, in my life to, you know, this, I'm going to quit those that make me feel good. But not only couldn't I get hard, my dick was flat. Deflated it.

That's something else. Like a road runner. It just ran. It was like, it was like a, a much, it was like a, a fruit roll up.

Like, or like an airhead. Yeah. Yeah. It was like an airhead. It was like, it was like a mystery Halloween sized one. Yeah.

That's exactly. Like the vein. Yeah. I didn't get. It was exactly. Any flavor. It's not like that one's different. It's white.

It's white. You know. It's always cherry. Couldn't have said of any flavor. I don't have a blue penis Kyle. Yo this dude thinks I have a blue penis. You blue penis. You blue penis. You blue penis.

I remember. You red penis on a wish list you had for Santa. Shit. You know what other medication has that same sort of timeline i think you were talking about on the run down asteroid i take finasteride i talked i think i've talked about have i no we that was on the episode that we cut with about the snap oh yeah this is a rundown today yeah you talk about the rundown today they say it takes like six months to a year before you see no i took it preemptively but you as did i as like a like a precaution as do i oh you do yeah

but you started when you were 21 i think i was like 22 oh my bad and i you're an asshole 21 was when i learned king kunta junior year it was not junior year it was post-counter. That was pre-K. Yeah, I was just like, I think I looked at my hairline and it wasn't perfect. Some of it looked weird on the edges. And I was like, I can't have this happen

and then it's too late and I'm stuck. I don't have a great hairline, but it's not receding. I've had the same hairline since seventh grade. I think it's just an Italian hairline. So then I go on the forums. Yeah. I go on the forums and if you look at the

Reddit, the Tress List, it's people just submitting their hair perfectly fine and everyone's comments like, yeah. You're fucked. Start now. Start finasterize start the whole program i can see it right here brother i i was in these shoes seven years ago yeah i uh i regret it do you do the whole thing with just the pill just the pill just the pill i had i carpet bomb my shit for real yeah oh yeah i would just get a transplant i would wear a

fucking toupee yeah those things you they last but here's my thing why there's so many like bald and balding rich people why isn't everyone doing because they're that rich or they know why aren't they getting the transplant because they're that rich it doesn't matter you're talking about like jeff bezos or they already even like or they already have like a spouse nba players yeah i don't lebron. LeBron's struggling. LeBron and KD. KD weirdly looks good with a god awful hairline. But like he rocks it. I think is it harder for that type

of hair to like be transplanted? That's actually true. I think if you do have nappy hair it is. I saw you go to like Turkey which is sketchy. I don't want to go to Turkey. No, I would take out a loan to get a transplant I think. Oh, as would I. It get a transplant i think oh as would i it's it's very uh it's maybe it might be vain but it's yeah it's a confidence thing right yeah and mine's very

low it's very fragile yeah mine mine is constantly hanging by a thread i can get boosted up to up to the high heavens and one tiny thing will bring me right back yeah Yeah, that's right. Mook, would you, if you lost your hair, would you get a toupee of a different color hair? Yeah, so this is actually like a bet my roommates have with me to dye my hair black one day. Yes. And like, it would be scary. Why don't you start with like brown? Yeah, he's into it. I kind of want to go blonde.

Should I bleach it? But wouldn't your hair just turn, like you can't dye red hair blonde. Can you? I think you can. If you went blonde, you would look like a White Walker. Yeah. Yeah. I'd look like one of Brandon Walker's.

Your eyebrows are blonde. Yes, they are. That's a bizarre thing you got going on. It's his face, dude. Chill. Yeah. That was the focal point of his face. that was such a hot guy move to be like you have a weird face it's just i've never seen someone with red hair and i've never seen anything

like that i've never looked at somebody like you i'm very special very special yeah you're you're a you're a dying species i used to uh dye my eyebrows because i was self-conscious about them being too light and i had just an allergic reaction. Like you just can't get a win. Yeah. It also is bullshit to like the, you take hair pills to ultimately get laid. Yes. Oh yeah.

And then your dick. And the irony is that you take antidepressants. You leave the house to get laid and then your dick looks like a mystery airhead. Yeah. Yeah. That makes me think that God does have a sense of humor because it's like how is that the two how is that the trade-off god doesn't have god has a sense of humor because he made fucking jamba juice taste good yeah that's good for you also he designed the foreskin just

for us to like patch it no no the foreskin i it was so you feel more pleasure and it's more dick man is more dick. Yeah. But it's funny to me that he said that he designed it without air. Supposedly he has no, he cannot make an error. That's what they say in the Bible. Yeah.

And then by like the 10th chapter, he's like, by the way, I messed up the penis. If you guys could just patch that, that'd be tight. Yeah. Fix the penis.

That's how I know there's, there is no God. Oh, your mom's going to be pissed. No, no, no. I believe in a higher power, but that's, i know there's there is no god oh your mom's gonna be pissed no no i believe in a

higher power but that's i mean come on i like how the foreskin was the one where you're like foreskin is what made kyle renounce religion that's too much um today's episode also brought to you by ridge wallet uh there's 30 different colors of Ridge Wallet, so you can choose. I get the carbon fiber. Kyle, what? Cobalt. You get the cobalt. Rudy gets the burnt titanium. Owen gets the fried okra.

Yeah. Nice deep. I was just on the fucking call me pasta menu. It's the first thing I thought of. Recency bias. It secures anywhere uh oh they also have the key case that really threw me for a loop we actually got the key case it's pretty cool make your keys look like a switchblade it secures the keys from two to six keys organize your keys in a compact silhouette fold out for easy access six colors of that pretty cool uh check out and their

site news code untold for 10 off your order ridge, boys. Moot, give me a job update. Yeah, what's up? Yeah, so Monday was a crazy day for everyone here, I feel like. And I was supposed to quit my job Monday morning. And I didn't do it. So Monday is... Owen announced that he was leaving. Owen announced he was out. It was my first day trying to come in the office full time.

And I was supposed to call my manager in the morning. And I didn't. Because I was like, I can't do this right now. I was kind of panicking. So like, I have like, that's weird. You don't seem like a nervous guy. No, not whatsoever. I'm not shaking right now. And, um, in my notes, I literally have quit job at four 30 and at like four o'clock, like a reminder, it's like an app feature i just like write stuff i don't know and uh at four o'clock i had eight missed calls for my manager so i decide to sack up and do it and i go well yeah you kind of have to at that point it was about time yeah how are they they're just cool they were not gonna fire you well here here it goes so i call him back and he goes i'm gonna use fake names like my manager goes connor thanks for calling give me one second i need to connect

someone else on the line pauses for a second someone else connects and he just goes connor is this conversation being recorded and i was like no i was like no and i immediately knew and he goes we came aware of your alias Connor Mook on the A new untold story podcast no and your intent to quit the job no way so just me on the phone I would have hung up I feel awful

dude my stomach dropped to my ass like I almost shit myself dude our podcast is huge someone narked me out making a splash in the accounting world i made the splash i told you dude damn dude but um yeah it was they wanted to do like a mutual resignation um effective immediately and then my manager on the way out hit me with a uh good luck with your little comedy thing you have going on i mean you deserve worse than that. How did you respond after he called you out? I just told him everything on the podcast was an exaggeration.

I know I'm sorry. I was very remorseful. Yeah, of course. And I do feel like it was. Everything I say on here is an exaggeration. Yeah. Yeah, so I feel awful for that. But you're full-time freelance right now

right uh i have a meeting tomorrow morning to like confirm it yeah i think that's i think it's looking good so that's good so all my eggs are in a basket but it is what it is yeah it is what it is but like uh this is like every rapper's dream to have a teacher tell them they'll never make it exactly so like you finally got those and those are never true because that would be an always made up no there's no teacher that would ever say that yeah yeah but i'm just curious like how they became aware you know what i mean yeah who knocked out unless somebody in hr listens yeah i think i don't know i had a guy from the company hit me up and be like huge fan over our slack channel okay that is a red that probably is any message me on twitter yeah we should probably stop having people on the show that

aren't that are have a good job real job because uh maresh got a dm from his boss and she said what's up ibm uh and then they made a sticker in their Slack of the IBM sticker. He said, like, now they're all about it, which is, like, almost worse. Yeah. Like, every meeting, like, So if you're listening, just fire Moresh.

Yeah, he's that guy in the office, everyone's going to, like, crack a joke at him. Yeah. That's kind of hell. Yeah. But, like, he didn't say anything about quitting his job in his defense great employee oh yeah um damn i was hoping you'd be able to quit for us for our game he asked if it

was being recorded because he knew of my intent to quit on that's so fuck i always yeah dude every time we bring something up it always it always circles back i think we need to be a little bit more conscience conscious we need to be a little bit more conscious. We need to be a little bit more aware. Get there, yeah. I'm a free man now. I'm ready to run. Do you feel good? Yes.

But I also felt like shit from 4 o'clock on after I made that call. You know what I mean? It's a jarring incident. Yeah. Yeah. It took me a little bit, but I'm pretty good. You're back? Yeah.

And you have some live shows with Sass. Your little comedy thing is going to be in Austin, Texas.as that's pretty cool austin texas this week uh and you've got your foot in the door here which is hard to do um unless you know you know kyle which is i used you yeah i'm that guy um no but uh congrats to mook kind of of. You know, this should be light of fire. I'm not saying you weren't motivated already, but it's a nice other thing. I feel kind of bad. No. Yeah, I'm good.

Owen, Owen. Thank you. Do you want to say my line? What's your line? I always say God bless at the end of podcasts. Oh, yeah, you do you want to uh you want to say my line what's your line i always say god bless at the end of pod oh yeah you do you have ever since episode one actually i'm the king kent the guy you're the god bless guy you just pointed at both of us at the same time i'm not gonna say about it you guys i'll see you guys every day uh see you later to the listeners i love you all this podcast rules keep listening to it it It's going to get huge. The featuring Owen Roeder and the title of our future episodes are going to give us the biggest numbers boost ever.

Cause like the skeleton, the secrets you're going to have. Oh, and I'll spill. Oh, fuck. Yeah. Wait. Say it, Owen. God bless. What? No, baby!