A New Untold Story - Cone 2012 feat. Mark Titus - A New Untold Story: Ep. 374

Episode Date: December 14, 2023

cone 2012 with mark titus Ads: HelloFresh - Go to https://HelloFresh.com/anusfree and use code anusfree for FREE breakfast for life! BetterHelp - A New Untold Story is sponsored by BetterHelp. Visit https://BetterHelp.com/NEW today to get 10% off your first month. Be the Hoss - Go to https://bethehoss.com check out their athletic line and leisure wear - Use code “BARSTOOL” for 20% off the whole store and Be The Hoss TodayYou can find every episode of this show on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or YouTube. Prime Members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. For more, visit barstool.link/anuspodcast

Hey, a new untold story listeners, you can find every episode on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or YouTube. Prime members can listen to ad free on Amazon Music. 11 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1. Beautiful. You said the last digits in the cadence of a phone number. Wow, did I? Yeah. I didn't mean to do that.

That's interesting. Nick, you can clap and we're good whenever. You'll reject your reply to what I'm going to say. No, say no you're just gonna say like no that's a new one story yeah hey is that story old or told no baby it's a new untold story. It's a fresh, big untold story. A new untold story. Guys, guys, guys, guys, guys. We're interrupting the podcast for an important reason, and that's to talk about HelloFresh.

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god awful area code drought. How many more episodes do we need to do until we get back to an area code? It's like a long one. So it's just not a bit. This is a segment that we met with some people behind the scenes and they were trying to sell the area code segment.

Then we just hit a doldrum. We didn't account for the 360-370 drought. I have no area code, but trust me, the next one, it's going to be fireworks. You swear? I swear. You're going to roast a mayor? I'm going to roast a mayor. Is there anything with this number?

374. The Pokemon sucks. That's all I remember. Wait, what number? 374. The Pokemon sucks. That's all I remember. Wait, what's the 374 Pokemon? We're here with Titus, by the way, but let's get this Pokemon thing out of the way. Let's get the Pokemon thing out of the way. 374 Pokemon. You can talk more.

Oh, Beldum? Beldum, yeah. Why don't you like Beldum? He evolves into a pseudo-legendary. It looks stupid. It's nothing. There's nothing functional about its appearance. I don't think you're're quite understanding it's a fleshlight with teeth there's a hand there's like pan's labyrinth monster hand coming out holding an eyeball and it doesn't make any

sense and its stats are god awful well all of the stats from its rear beldamum emits that's the start of its biography. From its rear, Beldum emits. It's over. It's over from that? What's it emit? It's two feet tall, 209 pounds. Abilities, clear body. Gender, unknown. Yeah, that's a

bad looking Pokemon. You guys don't get it. The starting Pokemon aren't supposed to get it. It doesn't matter. They weren't supposed to look cool they evolve and you can still make a starter pokemon look somewhat looks like the payoff of evolution it looks like a security camera that's like that's like looking at a fucking uh a tadpole and just be like oh that frog sucks but this is pokemon when you where you have unlimited creative freedom to make something that looks cool dangerous okay okay okay okay that is their 374th design kyle do you think you're expecting every 500 they probably have more than that working on the

design team nick i'm a busy guy i don't have time to wait for the evolutions like what you're putting in front of me that's what i'm judging i don't have time to wait for the evolutions. Like what you're putting in front of me, that's what I'm judging. I don't have time to... You just need to fight real animals. We're college athletes with busy schedules. Oh, fuck this. We're trying to be students and athletes at the same time. We're former student athletes. Yep.

Graduated from top schools in Ohio. Yep. With good GPAs. I was cum laude. All right. Short, you said you had depression on a Reddit AMA. Of course that's where... Of course you have depression.

You're on a Redditdit ama of course that's where of course you have depression you're on a reddit ama let's get back to pokemon and rudy that handsome couch handsome couch quick question for uh you two and mook uh who the fuck are these guys yeah yeah that's rudy and reed okay good to meet you guys yes rudy uh on the show reed you're you're an intern but have you not been paid the past few months apparently i talked to tyler your brother who works here why haven't you been telling us you haven't been paid be transparent with us too it get paid once every other month I'll just wake up on a random day saying you got money on the way and it's a good day wait who pays you New York New York pays this is a state flavor Flav's X yeah so we're all paid by monthlythly, and so is he.

It's just a different bimonthly. You're paid bimonthly? Oh, he's the other bimonthly. When I was freelance, I was once owed like 10 grand from Barstool. What? They just kind of like wait and pile up the invoices and kind of like whenever it comes, it comes. They sweat you out. Yeah.

You could probably sue us. You could sue us, dude. You can sue us. You want to sue, dude? I don't exactly know who pays me, who my boss is. I just show up every day and find empty seats and open doors. Yeah. You uprooted your life and moved here from New York.

We got to get you a meeting or something. We'll figure it out. Maybe not money, but we'll get you a meeting or something. Yeah. I figured out. Well, yeah. Maybe not money, but we'll get you a meeting. Yeah, that's all we can. I don't even know if we could do that. Titus, do you have meeting power? Can you set up a meeting?

Yeah. How would that? I can't even imagine anybody taking me seriously if I sent an email and said, hey, I would. You'd take Titus seriously? Yes. Why? He could convince me to do anything. Are you sorry? Are you hurting i think you you could you could change my opinion on anything all right let's try it

tyce you come from like a pretty buttoned up sports you were the goofball at a more buttoned up place yeah now i'm the buttoned up guy at the uh i don't know if you i don't know man i think you've deteriorated pretty quickly i pissed my pants your pants i've never done that yeah that's true it's a good point you you would you would not uh i also wear a lot of costumes on the yak which uh you're you're above that above um it's funny at first, and then it's... It's... Just like if you can't make any jokes verbally, that's when you resort to goofy attire. Like, yeah. Garb. Where I'll be like, ah, yeah!

I'll do that. I'll do something like that, and Nick will laugh, and I'll get pumped. For like, I think it was my second year here, I think I just asked you to make noises. Yeah. And there was you for like i think it was my second year here um i think i just asked you to make noises yeah then i was all for it the sound of you uh i think my favorite the your best joke your best joke is the sound you made when you ran to that goth hooters you put that you put your foot up and what was the noise you made what did i do that was your best fucking joke you've ever made that one and there's another couple of other

sounds that are in my heart the entire nashville vlog is yeah it's the alvin oh yeah yeah oh my god that yeah that sucked i enjoyed it you enjoyed the nashville? oh yeah it wasn't I don't know it wasn't very good I have nothing to talk about today nothing what do we got well you guys want to call it?

it's a pretty good show yeah we're 10 minutes in are we 10? yeah that's way longer than I thought that's a good amount yeah I think That's a good amount.

Yeah. I think it's pretty good. The podcast started as the name is no coincidence. It started as a new one told story. We're going to tell we fake stories from our childhood. Yeah. So I guess we were just like, let's just take what we're doing for the blog. You did way more than I did.

And just tell those stories this way. Yeah. And then it just, it was impossible. We were workhorses in the beginning. We would meet. We were also alcoholics. I think we like legally, we thought of ourselves as like authors and we would go and drink every single day. I would read like the Hunter S. Thompson, like.

Yeah, I was trying to do gonzo German journalism. Coping by convincing myself, yeah, this is how writers work. Whatever. Whatever. Titus. Yeah, torture genius is a. I remember that realization where I really like if I want to be good at this, I have to want to kill myself. Yeah, yeah.

I wanted to be a torture genius so badly and i was neither yeah right and that's what made me i think that's why i was tortured because i was neither i tried to make myself yeah tortured i faked both of it for a long time yeah i was really good at faking both yeah uh the yeah anyway all right all right let's end the show yeah cool Sorry for saying that you said you had depression on a Reddit AMA. It's okay. It's in my Wikipedia. That's fair game.

It's fair use. It's under your personal life tab. It's fair use. Could you delete that out of your Wikipedia? Like, do you own your own Wikipedia pageipedia page no dude it's crowdsourced yeah i think that's unethical i think if if i'm allowed to edit my own wikipedia i mean you could you could you're the source right but then don't you want unbiased like You want the objective opinion? People read autobiographies. That's true. I don't know.

I should try it. It's pretty lengthy. It is. Why don't we just run through it? I'm reading it right now. Go through the whole thing. Mark Titus. Your first photo isn't good. Hold on.

I got a photo? I don't have a photo. Oh, no, no. You're talking about on Google. Yeah, right there. Dude, I've wanted a photo on my Wikipedia so badly. Why do it? It's your page.

That's reserved for only the best Wikipedias, though. You're right. They don't just put photos on anybody. You're from Brownsburg, Indiana? Yeah. Philanthropy, personal life. Brownsburg, Indiana. His father, a high school basketball coach athletic director nothing about oh yes titus disclosed in a 2015 reddit ama that he suffers from depression they added the uh they added the first part of the personal life because

i think brandon and i pointed out i think one time we pulled up my wikipedia on our show yeah and we saw that literally the only sentence under personal life was that he used to be depressed. That was all there had. And we laughed about how absurd that was. So I think somebody gracefully added something else. Why

do I have a Wikipedia and you guys don't? Because you were significant. I don't think Big Cat has a Wikipedia. How does that work you wrote a book. I don't think like Big Cat has a Wikipedia. How does that work? He doesn't. Isn't that weird?

Yeah, that is weird. I don't understand who part of my take does. Okay. Who's running Wikipedia? One of the sources on your Wikipedia

published sources. Go to your Mark, I want you to read this. Go to references. Go to your 20... I haven't read this in almost three... I haven't been on my Wikipedia in almost three hours. Go to the 23rd reference. Oh my god. Oh no.

Look at the author. Look at the author. No! No! look at the author no no no Stephen Chay is in your Wikipedia Stephen Chay infiltrated your Wikipedia man

oh fuck me alright well Mark Titus pissed his pants at work today and that's above your charities in a 2023 Reddit AMA Titus is about to reveal that he has depression once again work today and that's you know what that's above your charities in a 20 in a 2023 reddit ama titus is about to reveal that he has depression once again oh no oh my god that's that's horrible man he infiltrated that and he's too above your a kid again your uh your the club trillion foundation

yeah yeah damn and you have some dozen stuff on here too and the Club Trillion Foundation. Yeah, yeah. Damn. And you have some Dozen stuff on here, too. Cool. Titus has the charity, but more importantly... Yes, but more importantly, 13 preseason all Dozen for the 2023 season. You're a really good defensive player on the Dozen, man. Give a few defensive player of the weeks under your belt. Oh, man. Should we address the elephant in the room Titus talking about his

utopia on his reddit I couldn't wait for revenge sevenfold month and I got this as a joke and I look sweet no he has a lot but it's barely there it defies it's like there. Yeah, it's crazy.

It defies. It's like an MC Escher. It's transparent. Makes you think. Yeah. Oh, my God. But yeah, I think I look sweet. I think I look confident.

Really? You look cooler. No, I mean, you look more confident. It makes me like the threat of chlamydia is imminent wait you think i look like i fuck yeah oh yeah yeah you think do you think i could get laid wearing this yes yes i love that you got uh the shitty tattoos to tie it all together too yeah yeah man so i went out and got all these yesterday dude they should this is this shows why a person in west virginia should never have 200 ever ever because that's the most expensive tattoo in west virginia i think is 200

yeah and yeah horrible um good god yeah what's the i'm not familiar with the avenge sevenfold i know the name of i know uh that it is a band they were a band i love metal high school right it's like heavy metal or kind of yeah they're like they're they're heavy metal are they more metallica or evanescence would you say whoa metallica on that spectrum which they're closer to metallica but they're like dad dad's like them i don them. I don't know. I don't know how to describe them. You can pull up a photo of them and understand.

They're more like Nickelback. I think so. They're cooler. They're more talented than Nickelback. They're younger than Nickelback. Sinister Gates, their guitarist, is one of the top. You mean Cordial Portal. Yeah.

I was trying to decide what my Avenged Sevenfold name would be if I joined. What is the guy? M. Night Shadows? No, you combine it with M. Night Shyamalan, an Indian writer. What a twist. In my words. M. Shadows is the lead singer, but M is just short for Matt. Matt Shadows.

One of the guys is John Christ. John Christ. John Christ. But I was trying to think of mine and i think i wanted to be grim g-r-y-m-m-m um and i was trying to think of a last name i think it was gonna be butt fuck b-u-t-f-u-k grim butt fuck that is good and i think i like you could photoshop me in with those boys it's like it's m shadows that's It's John Christ. Sinister Gates. And but what am I? Who am I? Grim.

No, I'm not. My M as well. Am I just M but M M M dot grim but fuck grim with three M's and then your middle initial is M. So it's grim. Grim M but fuck.

Oh, my God. I'm glad this is cool. Your has cameras oh this is our studio yeah that's right holy shit you would have thought yeah it was we just not really i thought you were just into all the same stuff i'm into i didn't how do you yeah no what are you into i don't know man yeah what's the dale earnhardt uh so brandon and I went to a sports collector's convention. You'll never guess whose idea it was. Between the two of us. You went to the national, right? Yeah, the national. It's a big one. It's the biggest.

Like the nationals? The championship? They have every year, they call it the national. It's like every sports card collector flies in from around the country. But you got a bunch of Dale stuff? No, so we were tasked with trying to buy one thing while we were there i had 20 cash in my pocket you were tasked with bot that was your that was the challenge that was the challenge to buy one thing yeah and i i don't know we just had to like buy one thing i don't know it was brandon's idea

i was like this is stupid but yeah i'll play along um i found the the stein the one on the the on your left, the right, as you're looking at it on camera. Dale Earnhardt Stein, as if he was Jewish. Earnhardt Stein. That would be the funniest Jewish guy in the world. Earnhardt Stein. Oh my god.

Dale Earnhardt Stein. I need somebody. We need to design the car can you go on AI image generator my ex godfather has his brake from the car that he crashed

the brake pad your ex godfather? yes the one who got replaced by my new god my current godfather that's never happened to anybody. You have an ex-godfather? Yes. Why?

Vehicular manslaughter. It's a church thing. We're still friends with him. We're still cool with him. I guess in Christian nomenclature, you can no longer call a man with a murderous felony as your godfather. Are you lying right now? Yes. In every way.

Yeah. Do you remember the rumor that went around when Dale Earnhardt died that they found the cure to cancer in his headrest? No. I was going around St. Vincent's. It was in powder form? I have no idea, dude. I bet you could Google that. There's probably a Snopes on it.

But yeah, Dale Earnhardt Stein. I want to design the paint of that car. At the National, everything is like $10,000. It was fucking wild. And I brought one single $20 bill. And we were walking around for two hours. And then there was nothing I could buy. And then I found that thing.

And I was like, wow, that's pretty fucking awesome. I asked the guy how much it was. He said thing. And I was like, wow, that's pretty fucking awesome. I asked the guy how much it was. He said five. And I was like, five hundred dollars. Come on, dude. And he was like, it's five dollars. Five dollars. It's literally five dollars.

Dale Earnhardt Stein. So that's what I bought. And then I Brandon wanted me to put it on the desk and leave it on the set or whatever I did. And then people just started sending in Dale Earnhardt. Let's keep it going. Yeah. Yeah. Let's fill up this entire

room that's the idea is I just want with I like Dale listen I like Dale threes up yes raise hell praise Dale but I wouldn't say that I was like a die hard Dale Earnhardt fan but I am now I guess that'll be sick though if like

like each side of the car had like a symbol of the dreidel and like he spun out or like he won. Yeah, spin the block like a dreidel. Has there ever been a Jewish NASCAR driver? I don't know. Has there ever been an Italian NASCAR driver? Probably somebody that came over from F1. Yeah.

Alon Day. Jewish NASCAR. Alon Day. Israeli professional stock car racing. NASCAR Euro. There's a Euro NASCAR? I did not know that. Shout out to Sage.

I thought it was the National Association of Stock Car Automobile Racing. Yeah, then there's the Euro National. Yeah. Not the I-ass car. Yeah, I-ass car, yeah. Shout out to who, Kyle? Just a quick shout out to Sage Karam. Karam, Karam, yeah.

He was a wrestler that made it into NASCAR, so we rally around him big time. He was a wrestler? I didn't knowCAR. So we rally around him big time. Well, he was a wrestler. I didn't know that. You don't know who Sage Karam is. Oh, I think. Yeah. Does he do? He's an F1 guy.

He does IndyCar. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Bethlehem Catholic, Becca Heiss, wrestler. They say it's like pretty similar. How do you get into that? Sports.

How do you get in? You have to be really wealthy. Like driving a car fast. You start with go karts. Oh, yeah. I always wanted to go kart. Me too. Never got one.

Same. Oh, well. A new untold story is sponsored, and I'm all for this, by BetterHelp. It's therapy season. Whether you believe in it or not, if you don't believe in therapy, you should because you're a fool. Yeah, that'll make me feel better. You're a fool, but it's beneficial. That's why you should believe in it.

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Who's the better? Who's the better? Also, handsome basketball player from your small hometown. Gordon Hayward. That sucks, man. Wait, really? What? He's from there? handsome basketball player from your small hometown Gordon Hayward that sucks man wait really what he's from there yeah yeah Gordon's from there

are you guys around the same age oh he's two years younger than me we had my high school had a legendary run well we had a lot of professional athletes come through my high school it's a public Brownsburg they're good wrestling but Brownsburg has 21,000 people We had a lot of professional athletes come through my high school. It's a public. It's a public wrestling. But Brownsburg has 21,000 people.

What? Yes, it does. Yeah. Which is something everybody knows. It's about the same size as Wheeling. Yeah, we had Lance Lynn I went to high school with. He pitched. He's still in the majors pitching.

Wow. He was an all-star. Won a World Series with the Cardinals, was just with the White Sox. I don't know where he's at now. So were you not the best basketball player at your school? No, no, I wasn't. Oh, wow. Tucker Barnhart is a professional baseball player,

Major League Baseball player. Drew Storen used to be a Major League Baseball player. We were all in high school at the same time. Yeah. When I was in high school, I was like the 15th best athlete in school really yeah i figured if anybody goes d1 regardless of playing time they're the best athlete in their school yeah the most embarrassing i've been like a couple weeks ago our athletic director ours wheeling parks our high school reached out to me with a text like saying about how i'm

they're willing to induct me into the hall of fame oh because you were talking about it on the yak because so many people from the yak the the audience emailed the school why don't you accept i felt bad and i was like uh because it was i have to like go to the ceremony obviously and i'm like i'm i said listen like i'm not gonna fly out there for that dude you have to it's all good and then he now hold on did he say we're inducting you or did he say we're willing to entertain the idea he says i'm reaching out to you to talk about your to talk about inducting you into the hall of fame so it sounds like if you're not into it they're not going to do it which means i

express it feels some like a level of disinterest yeah in in that so they didn't get back to me he texts you text i guess he tried to call me like 12 12 times i guess i don't answer numbers i need a name and i need to know the name well you've never picked up one of my calls a few times yeah you've never picked up a few times total have you ever called nick first no i don't call i'll text okay i don't know if you've texted that's like a scary that's a nightmare situation i have to call yeah when's the last time when's the last time anybody in this room has called someone other i guess you did it on the yak with the with the fire department but like you've called someone just to like shoot the shit and catch up

like how you been man oh my god someone like 2004 somebody called you to shoot the shit oh i oh my god who would be the funniest person i did that to me. Somebody called you to shoot the shit? Oh my God. Who would be the funniest person I could FaceTime right now and just try to shoot the shit with? Sneddy. Dave. Portnoy. I was thinking Hannah Cook. Yeah, try it.

I don't want to. No, you have to. Don't have her phone number. Wait, wait, wait. I want to hold the phone too and point it at you so it's like not even your FaceTime. Not holding the phone. But I want to be close enough's like not even your face not holding the phone but I want to be close enough to where I can have both hands up but I don't know you have to do it

give Nick her number yeah Mook yeah I got you I'll airdrop that let's see yeah I don't know who who would be funny to call do you want me to call the give me the

the athletic director's number no all right no I'm afraid Titus you have any celebs you're chill with that would work no don't you know the guy who disappeared from the ugly tuna oh Brian Schaefer.

Yeah. Wait, you weren't there at that time. He was there. He was twerking. He was blacked out, so it could have been you. I know what happened to him. What? It was under construction.

Dude, I used to live right next to the ugly tuna. Yeah, we've talked about this off air, right? We were obsessed with. I'm obsessed with it, and you all should be too. This is my favorite disappearance story. Really? Yes. I don't know. Who knows it best to recap it? All right, it was 06. We can all do be too. This is my favorite disappearance story. Really? Yes. I don't know.

Who knows it best to recap it? It was 06. We can all do it together. Yeah. I'll start. It was 06. I'll repeat. 06.

I think it was like 2006. Yes. I want to say. And there's a bar in Columbus off of the Ohio State's campus, popular amongst the college kids. I think it was in a mall. The old one was not. It was Gateway. a mall would not

be correct it'd be more of like a it was a conglomeration of bars it was it was not a mall at all but there was also a movie theater across there was an elevator an escalator up and it was the ugly tuna and a movie theater right right bar guy mall adjacent we'll say. Yeah, sure. Yeah, of course. Yeah, of course. We'll do that. And then med student. Unfortunate. Or maybe not. We don't know. He may be in a better place right now.

Yeah. On Earth. We don't know where he is. He might be alive. This dude went up. A med student went up the escalator. Yes. Walked in the bar.

There's footage of that. And never left. Just never left just never left never left gone never left at a place called the ugly tuna the ugly tuna saloon uh yeah and uh the only the only other exit other than that front door where they had the security camera on it was like under construction yeah there was no way out so yeah there that was there was only one but you could have used the construction exit as like a fire exit if you had to i guess but they they had that all closed up yeah they yeah and there were some parts under construction so a lot of people think he got like stuck in a wall somewhere yeah right theories range from human trafficking to stuck in a wall to as kyle alluded

to uh he just ran away he was just like fuck this life med school yeah it's crazy yeah was like i'm out you were there at the same time no i got there the year after my my freshman year though another crazy story ohio state campus uh kid got cut in half on an elevator oh yeah that was my freshman year at the dorm like like, right down the street, like, right over there. It was in the dorm? Yeah, dude. Everyone's on the elevator.

It's overloaded. The elevator, like, the doors are open, and then it, like, starts to, like, go slowly down, and a guy is, like, drunkenly trying. The elevator is, like, frozen, like, halfway in between floors. Oh, fuck that. And a guy is, like, climbing out, and then it then it like falls down and cuts him in half fuck that is so horrific and that was that was like right after brian shaffer and i remember like people really weren't

into brian shaffer anymore like it kind of brian brian shaffer became back and the guy became bisected by an elevator yeah i'm gonna avert my attention my my and i was the guy like showing up at you know like the cafeteria and i was like new brian shaffer leads you guys here and they're like we don't give a fuck guy just got cut like that yeah a little levity in the situation say someone that happens to someone and you're on the like the detective team and it looks like a perfect bisect do you measure to see like Like, maybe it is exactly in half. Or do you just... Curiosity.

Yeah. I'm curious. It's the perfect bisect. It's the perfect cut. When I was a freshman, my buddy, a dude I made friends with, like, he lived on... I can picture you as a freshman. Oh, that guy died, by the way. I forgot to add that part of the story.

The guy that got cut in half? He did die. Okay, now I... Almost almost every single time i anticipate a lot of people tweet at me like what happened to yeah he died he did die yeah i uh there was a there's two campuses wvu and i was drinking on the other campus that i didn't live on and my buddy tyler who i'd met he's like dude i have an extra room i have an extra bed in my room I live alone in the dorm crash of mine I found out his roommate like that he didn't know killed himself and I was like I slept in the bed

oh what do you mean you found out oh during the season of the school year uh the apparently the previous semester I didn't know about it you slept in the bed of a guy who had just killed himself not just but had but not even like his it was I don't think it it. You slept in the bed of a guy who had just killed himself? Not just, but had. But not even like his.

It was. I don't think it was the sheets or anything. I imagine those were all taken out. None of his belongings were there. Crazy. Kent State had a guy who hid from a SWAT team in a big traffic cone. And then he was referred to as Coney because it was 2012. And I think that made some waves in like some Facebook communities.

And that was our big thing my freshman year. Damn, that's so fucked. Look it up. Coney with a C, 2012. And then maybe add Kent State just in case. No way. Were you friends with Coney? It was kind of a sick picture.

2012, Kent State. sick picture. 2012. Any Kony 2012. Oh, there he is. With the kneeling down. You see his leg, his jean legs. Oh my God. You see it? That was the highlight of my five years, six years.

Oh my God. And they're making memes of him with the impact font. Dude. Kony, did you, was he like a legend yeah like but that sucks because where is it like banksy where there are a lot of people claiming to be coney yeah me amongst you there's no one who wanted to be viral in 2013 12 than me really i would i would stay i would look up pictures of someone falling through a college lecture hall and tweet it at KSU problems. And that was the first time I got 100 favorites. Really?

Yeah. I remember you used to keep a Razor scooter in the back of your car. Yeah, pink one. It was funny. So you would hit curbs and flip over the handlebars. Yeah. I found the guy. Yeah, he went by the name. Whenever you're on the scooter, you had people call you Tyrone.

You did. You were kind of a whore for virality. Loved it. Loved the tension. What was your first viral tweet? Oh, sorry. I keep fucking this up. No, you're not. No, no. What was your first viral tweet? You go first, then I'll give you the first 100 viral tweets. Kony posted 11 years ago on r slash funny kent state college fest 2012 call it oh i can talk for hours about college fest 20 as told by the guy in the cone his first sentence is so i will begin

this tale of epicness and circle k the place where I had traveled to purchase my second case of PBR of the day. Oh, my God. Dude, everybody wanted to be Tucker Max. I will begin this tale of epicness. Hello, r slash funny. He actually said that. Posting your own story on r slash funny. Yeah.

I Googled it. That was like the first thing that popped up that I saw. Yeah, that was my first Instagram picture that popped up that I saw. My first Instagram picture was the calm before the storm. Wait. Yeah, Titus, have you ever seen Kyle's Instagram? 2k12. Put it on your story.

You're going to love it. Oh, yeah. Fuck yeah. kb no sir oh oh yeah fuck yeah yeah college fest yeah wait your your big festival was just called college fest so i only had it my freshman year because at the end like everyone started uh going like lord of the flies and like throwing bottles at each other's heads, eating each other, freestyle rapping. Do they have to call the National Guard?

Zooted was a popular trend, like being zooted. What did you have to do to be zooted? I don't know. Rudy, have you ever been zooted? I think so. I don't know. I don't know. I think you're too young to have ever been zooted.

Your first IG post is from College Fest 2012. That's what I'm saying. Exactly. Yeah. Holy exactly yeah this is the most iconic day of my life was that that was and you saw that three ig posts then the swat team came and like started throwing like grenades grenades at us did you unironically post this yes yeah i was like this is like the most amount of people i've ever seen on one street the picture doesn't do it just it's one it's one backyard it looks like a huge party that i'm at and i'm at the top can you identify any of the people so wait you're not in this photo at all are you no you just took it to show off that i was at the party at a party and you yeah college fest 2k12 the dude in the enormous top hat has grabbed my attention on the left with the raincoat yeah and headband guy was going to a major like school like that

big for wheeling itself like did you guys have a lot of friends that went to like fun party schools i didn't by the way yeah but it was still like fought like you were wrestling there wait so what are you asking like making it out of wheeling oh no no i was like two hours away yeah nice representation a lot of diversity i've noticed that a lot of cleveland boys very progressive of a akron college fest you three posts two months like and two of them have minorities yeah told people about this what told people about what my minority ratio like i'm two three for three probably no i don't see one at our high school dance. The prom one. What?

You did a throwback Thursday. Was this one you were trying to be funny or you were trying to be cool? I took shit tons. I didn't take ecstasy. No, but you're really fucking sweaty. Yeah. Have you ever seen a sweatier guy in that second one? That's very sweaty.

You're wearing dark colored clothes and you can still see the sweat. You're sweating through like royal purple. Yeah. Very hard to do you done talking about your instagram that's enough you ever gonna post again no it's it'd be weird it'd be cool if like you had you posted like your next post was like your kid all right all right i'll promise first kid is getting posted yeah but like be there but it's like a picture of you you're doing the thing where you take your shirt off and you got the skin-to-skin contact it's like it's like a very like or if you have like a premature baby it's like your finger and he's like gripping yeah very sentimental yeah for some reason all those

are always in the woods like you're just with your baby in the woods and it's black and white the caption is your the heart hands emoji and that's all my world yeah and you put the baby's name but you italicize it for some reason or you do like a really long one just be like i always thought like i was only the only person i could really care about and then in an instant it changed it's crazy none of us have kids you think statistically yeah with all the fucking we do exactly yeah yeah well I was thinking more that we're all 30 plus yeah

yeah I did the math the other day and I realized that my dad had my siblings when he was like 24 and that fucked me up for our whole hike my parents were married at 22 had me at 23 see that just fucked me up you were on a hike i was on a hike with my dad and i did some mental math or i didn't even do the mental math he was like i was 24 when i had james and i was like what the at that time i was still in college and are your parents getting on your case and i was older than him no my dad doesn't give a shit. My mom's getting my mom. My mom. My mom doesn't want to overtly get on my case, but I can sense I can sense it.

I'm the oldest, though, and I'm the last terrain. Like, there's four of us in the US. That's just my family. And so you have a duty and an honor. Yeah. Like, my ancestors have survived every war. And then it's just they ended up being a podcaster that likes to dress up. This is where it ends.

This is where it ends. There's four of you. I have kids. Thanks, man. Thank you, dude. Yeah. You think I'd be a good dad? Yeah, I think you'd be a great dad. One of the best. I was on Wake Up Mincy. I don't know if that's going to be a show. yeah i think you'd be a great dad the one of the best i was on wake up

mincy i don't know if that's gonna is that still gonna be a show by the time by the time this airs it's been long it's been wiped i was on the second to last episodes of both runs of wake up mincy you're the curse yeah i'm the grim reaper well no he it's self-inflicted um you're like if the grim reaper went up to someone who was like, and you were just hanging out, and both times they happened to just die, and you're like, is this me? I just want to kick it. But I asked Mincy if I would be a good

dad, and he'd be like, I know you'd be a hilarious dad. I'm like, that's the worst thing you could say. You want to be a hilarious uncle. Yes. There's no mug that says world's funniest dad. That's just a bad dad. It's a hilarious uncle. Yes. You want to be a hilarious dad. That's not, there's no mug that says world's funniest dad. That's just a bad dad. It's a bad dad.

Yeah. You've raised a dickhead kid. Almost certainly if you're a funny dad. Right. Or a funny dad is absent as well. Yeah. Cause you can't be funny raising a baby. Nobody's ever been funny with a baby.

Right. In their hands. Yeah. Yeah. Like, like Danny Tanner was not funny. He was the worst. Not funny at all. He sucked. Yeah. raising a baby nobody's ever been funny with a baby right in their hands yeah yeah like like danny tanner was not funny he was the worst not funny at all sucked yeah uncle joey funny funny as fuck like one of the funniest dudes ever what what did you like about him i would see him like live and you would go see if someone him now uncle joey would you see him now. Uncle Joey. Would you see him with Dave Coulier? Yeah, I would see Dave Coulier now.

The song You Ought to Know by Alanis Morissette is about him. Yeah, it's about sucking his dick in a movie theater. That's crazy. Two Canadians. Yeah. Your dad makes me laugh, Nick. Does he? Yeah.

Doing what? He's a funny guy. We went out to get beers that one time. Oh, yeah. My dad's a funny guy. He's a very funny dad oh he's a funny guy we went out to we went out to get beers that one oh yeah my dad's a funny guy he's a very funny dad that's a funny dad but he wasn't a funny dad growing up you wouldn't lead with that though would you wouldn't say like here's my funny dad yeah this yo what's up i'm nick this is my mom this is my funny dad yeah that's funnier than straight dad yeah it's my funny ass dad funny dad it's my funny ass dad. This is my funny dad. This is my funny fucking dad. I might just like introduce people in my life as like my funny, this is my funny buddy Kyle.

And then put so much pressure on you. That would be so pissed. This is hilarious, Mark. But that's how like black funny people name themselves. Funny Marco. Drewki too funny yeah but they're all like they all blow that out of the water yeah they're all are funny yeah well i what would i kind of want one of those names nick make you laugh yeah letter you with an oon lot Nick make you laugh lol Nick

KB haha Titus got the giggles Titus gives the giggles Titus be goofy Titus be goofy Titus be goofy just one Titus B Goofy Titus B Goofy B is my middle initial Titus B Goofy No it's separated by hyphens

Titus hyphen B hyphen Goofy G-O-O-F-I Are you seeing if KB HaHa is available It is Kyle look at my Fucking cranium right now. What do you see? You've got Haas on your head. Yeah.

Haas. I just, for the podcast, I flipped my hat around and I made that sound for that. To reveal the Haas logo. I reveal the Haas logo. I wear this hat. I wear the ever living shit out of this hat. You do it all the time. And does it look worn?

No, it looks brand new. No, it's breathable. The material's great. I love the sweatshirts, the t-shirts, high quality. They look good. I'm not tugging on it. It looks good on you for a billion wears, probably more. I love their crewnecks.

And the guys who started this company are cool as hell. If that is any more of an incentive to buy their products. They actually personally, they actually DM'd us and they commended the anus listeners. They sold out of these rope hats. The first run.

There should be some more coming out. They're part of the community. So if you have any ties like in a community sense to us, then buying one of their products would be huge for us. And yeah, they're great guys.

And you guys can go to be the host.com. You can check out their leisure, where the athletic stuff. I I'm probably more leisure. You're probably the athletic side of that. Use code barstool, B-A-R-S-T-O-O-L, like the company or the seat for 20% off the whole store and be the Hoss today.

Be the Hoss. Are you poaching it? On Instagram. Yes. Have two streams. This is for your funny. This is for your funniest IG posts.

Bangers only. And the other one's a little more serious. for your funniest IG posts. Bangers only. And the other one's a little more serious. I guess we should start doing skits like black managers at McDonald's be like. What do they be like?

I think those take off. Yeah, they do. They go crazy, dude. It's all of TikTok. I'm sitting on Nick Terani photography and I was just going to post pictures I took of you, Kyle, but I've never done anything with it.

Man. Speaking of which. What? You gave us cameras. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. I gave the guys tasks of using a digital camera. I gave them all a disposable camera.

Oh, nice. How many photos do you have left on it, Kyle? I took three. It's been a week. It was hard for me to walk around New York and muster up the guts to take a picture of something. That's the most photographed city in the world. People were walking around. Everything I wanted to take a picture of was people's purple shoes.

And I got one. You got a pair of purple shoes. and i got one you got a pair of purple shoes no i got a picture of my um the bathroom key at the chicago office that i found in my backpack covered in creatine dust from a pill i think and i'm putting in a cool background so okay when you get that disposed yeah we'll put out a photo book uh titus mostly Sports has taken off. Yeah, I'm not at liberty to... Actually, I'm not going to say that. I don't want to spoil it.

What? But we're working on a collab. I heard about that. Yeah. We got a collab in the works. And I don't think I can disclose yet. But yeah, it's big time. What's been your biggest adjustment from real media to here?

That's actually a great question. Yeah, I didn't even mean to do that. What the hell? We can talk about Jewish Dale Earnhardt. That's what I was going to say. Probably that I don't get asked questions like that anymore. Prior to Barstool, you had a journalistic career the the biggest the biggest adjustment is that i do feel like there's like no room whatsoever here

for like anything that's not funny like if you're like um have you seen the majority of our content not ours but i'm nicky wait what am i I? Nicky. Nicky, make you laugh. Nick, make you laugh. Nick, make you laugh. Yeah. Like there are times I want to talk about basketball and I'll slip into like serious mode where I'm not trying to split an atom, but I'm just kind of like, here's what I'm seeing and I'll be right.

And I just get a lot of feedback that's like, dude, I didn't laugh once. I think you just said. Not funny. I'm glad you said that yeah because once you get like 20 seconds into a serious discussion yeah you feel like you're fucking up yeah that's exactly what that bar wow yeah brain and i got what got twist we've gotten into one like serious legitimate argument on the show and it was over the college football playoff florida state being left out um and yeah i just like shifted into like very florida state be left out would there be their black funny name um i i i had exactly what you just said like i shifted into serious

mode and i just caught myself in the back of my mind i'm like this isn't what you're supposed to be doing yeah you have to make a dick joke now which i hate we gotta i listen to serious stuff more than i love serious yeah i love serious people who throw in humor more than yeah funny people who refuse yeah that was kind of my lane for a long time was like i was i would talk about basketball seriously but then every so often i would use an analogy that like was off the wall yeah you had shaggy hair yeah yeah yeah and uh it would catch you off guard and uh yeah i've had to like flip that now so now i just feel i don't know though i don't know if you jackass who's every so often is like i don't trust creighton's defense

that's my new rule. I pepper in the analysis instead of the other way around. I guess you started mostly sports and college basketball wasn't happening. So now you're going to have to be talking about basketball in here. Are you afraid?

I don't know. We'll see. We'll see. You also have the Mark Titus show as well. Yeah, I do. It's very confusing. So you're more serious on that, you'd say? Yeah, yeah, for sure. For sure. I'm way more serious on that. I think you need a stage name to separate the two.

So on Mostly Sports, you need to be something else. You need to be a character. Is there any other city, like Creighton basketball to the city of omaha is there anything that major city one big sport college no pro syracuse the city of syracuse to syracuse yeah um are they lumped in with buffalo though i think it's a separate metro I don't know it's probably pretty close yeah I don't know if Syracuse counts as a full blown city like Syracuse

is still going to like shut down on Bills games like obviously like Columbus Ohio is Ohio State the crew keeps on winning man but that's such a big city they're like a million people they deserve a...

Go out Gonzaga. Gonzaga to Spokane. Oh. Gonzaga. Good point, Rudy. Did you just say that? Did you just say that? That was insane.

Are you fucking serious, man? Did you just say that? Fuck. Is that real, man? I was trying to see where Syracuse was and I thought of Gonzaga. Fuck. That's tough.

That's so tough. That was mere, not even seconds, milliseconds. Really? I was trying to see where Syracuse was. I didn't even get to the Z in Gonzaga before you started saying. Well, okay. Syracuse is not that close to Buffalo. Is it not?

It's actually kind of close, but not that close. You don't want Providence. Yeah. They love Providence basketball in Providence. Kentucky. The Wildcats. Yeah. Lexington.

Lexington. Yeah. Yeah. Shit. So there are a lot, as it turns out. Lawrence, Kansas. Yeah. They have Kansas City kind of close.

Are you a big enough diehard Ohio? Like Papa John was rooting for Louisville. Yeah. And then he switched over to Kentucky. Would I switch allegiances? Yeah. If the money was right. If you said the N word on a conference call. Dude, that's the funniest

recourse for like, yeah, I got caught saying the N word. I root for Kentucky now. It's a great hypothetical. I'm going to take this. What team would you root for if you said the n-word what team oh this is my n-word team people have AFC and NFC teams yeah

just in case it ever slips out or not slips out because it's like there's no chance it it ever slips out or not slips out because it's like there's no chance it would ever slip out oh fuck I think mine would be the chargers what about yours Kyle like pro team

yeah across the board Hawaii yeah mine's Tampa Bay Lightning for sure oh that's a really good one like pro team. Yeah. Across the board. Hawaii. Yeah. Yeah. Mine's Tampa Bay lightning for sure. For all. That's a really good one.

I'm Tampa Bay lightning too. Yeah, me too. I love their goal song. Dude, just, we should get everybody that actually says the N word to root for the Tampa Bay. So if somebody's just like wearing the shirt,

you're like, Oh buddy, that's code. Stay away from me. That's code for. He said the the shirt, you're like, oh, buddy. That's code for... Stay away from me. That's code for he said the N-word. You're like, did you hear about... You heard about Jack, right? He's a big Tampa Bay Lightning.

He's rooting for the Lightning. Whoa, really? Jesus. Fuck. Good God. Did he keep his job? Are you kidding me? Yeah, he really roots for the Lightning over there.

yeah it really roots for the lightning over there so stupid yeah it is can we keep that in yeah yeah you guys you lived in columbus yeah both lived in columbus any uh favorite spots chipotle on fishingerishinger Road there's a nice big booty Latina woman that used to double up contradictory I mean not contradictory

show me a tiny booty yeah and I'm a mouthful of water can you google tiny booty Latina tiny ass no ass

fat ass Latina inverse ass quaking ass Latina flat Latina Los Inverse ass. Do you mean quaking ass Latina? Flat Latina? Los Gauchos. Talk about Los Gauchos. Bullwinkles.

Yeah. Bullwinkles would serve booze to a sixth grader. I know. I witnessed it as a 25 year old. You were 25 in Bullwinkles? I did go, yeah. And? The bouncer was like,

I can't let you. You were too old. I can barely let you. you were too old i can barely let you you had a fake driver's permit to get into bullwinkles i like varsity club on campus uh never been they uh varsity club asked me to they're they're one of those places that uh they're for the alums it's it's like the ohio state alum bar where like you know the the dads that are in their 50s that's the spot they go back to. I also go back to it because it's a place that has all the signed memorabilia all over the wall.

Yeah. They asked me to sign something. What? So I signed a picture for them. They put it, like if you go to Varsity Club, as soon as you walk in, my picture is right by the bar off to the right. And I had gone to Varsity Club. This was a while back i had seen that

picture i lost my mind i was it's one of my favorite spots and i'm an alum so i was like this is fucking awesome i have a place of varsity i have a thing of varsity club uh my girlfriend who my current girlfriend the first one of the the first time i ever took her to columbus we were going to like an ohio state game and i tried to like slyly pick a bar to go to oh yeah it was it was like we should grab a drink before the game right no you don't we should right like I think we should get there like we shouldn't just go to the game like we should go get a drink somewhere right she's like well you would know where we should go and I was like well there are so many options on campus you know what would be great is varsity club and that's actually kind of close to the yeah we should go to varsity um

we walk into varsity club and i look over to the right where my picture is hanging and there is a massive bush that they have put right in front of the picture you can't see any part of it and i spend the next two hours i guess it wasn't that long one hour before the game yeah like trying to like rearrange it so she could see it never saw it never saw you're like betting dudes in a pool just like yeah yo if you make this you have to go lift that uh don't want to like do this to you i have a signed piece of memorabilia and columbus too you do yeah yes what uh there's a place called Gresso's, an Italian restaurant, and they do Ohio Valley Night. They serve

DiCarlo's pizza, and they serve Coleman's fish once a week. They're from Wheeling. And I went there, and they had a Wheeling Park Patriots football helmet. And I was like, yo, I went there. I was just talking to the waitress. She was like, you want to sign the helmet? I was like, yeah. So I have a signed football helmet.

It's there now yeah ingressos that's yeah we gotta like get one of our get someone to go and piss on it or something it's like a dare we should just sign shit we've like i want to i want to like a signed patriots helmet in a restaurant somewhere with my name on it england patriot yeah sign new england patriots helmet that feels like a challenge on the show is you divvy up certain cities and you all have to like have a signed piece of memorabilia. Try to find a restaurant

that will display a signed piece of memorabilia in that city. I feel like you've done enough for Ohio State to where some restaurants have to have you holding up slices of their pizza, right? Yes and no, because Ohio State has a ton of actual celebrities

and actual great athletes. It's almost too big, right? It's too big. I'm a nobody. If I'd gone to a different school, know because like ohio state has a ton of like actual celebrity and actual great athletes it's almost too big right it's too big yeah like i'm a nobody if i'd gone to a different school maybe i would reach that level if you went to a basketball game could you get courtside tickets yeah for sure yeah west virginia wvu doesn't acknowledge wvu barstool won't follow me back no we have our high school has a barstool that won't follow yes there's a wheeling park high school west virginia has like rivalry barstool accounts yeah they talk shit on each other i think like we did a video in wheeling and the other barstool accounts were making fun of it

like look at these gay guys in your town yeah john marshall high school barstool yeah was talking shit on us that's okay i got it was it the cavelli center yeah yeah the uh that was like two of the most depressed depressing worst days of my life happened there is that the new gym they built like did it feel new when you're in it do Do you remember? I just remember. I think it's new. It may have been. It was where the wrestling duels happened. Yeah. And I wasn't a starter, but I started some matches, and I would go against Ohio State.

The Ohio State guy who was a four-time NCAA champion. Oh, Logan. Steber, yeah. Yeah. And, like, since I didn't wrestle in that many duel matches, my whole family would come. What does being a starter mean in wrestling and coming out how do you come off the bench yeah like this guy's fighting and

you just run in again like what is now like other sports there's 10 weight classes 10 starters so i was the backup to tyler small and when he was academically ineligible i would start how often was that it was just one semester. He's a smart guy. I don't know how that happened. But once you have your guys for the match, then you guys... You have the guys for the match. You can't come off the bench in a match.

Kind of can. You can weigh in two guys at the same weight class to kind of trick who you're going to send out. What? Yeah. Yeah, but I would go in. There should be a team event in wrestling like an actual team like uh like it's all you it's tag team i'm describing tag team no no i'd

be tag team i think they should just have two guys wrestling on this the four guys wrestling on the same mat but like you're not allowed to touch the other guys wrestling was so boring that in order to sell tickets and market the event we would combine the same gym rest a wrestling match a gymnastics meet and a uh like a volleyball all at the same time yeah to get people in the stands so volleyball was happening as you were wrestling the gymnastics yeah and i made up volleyball. Okay. Who were the, what girls' teams did the wrestlers hang out with? Was it gymnasts? Gymnastics, yeah.

Just similar builds? Same people, yeah. Yeah. What sport do you wish you would have been good at? Wrestling. There was nothing I wanted more that was to be a successful college wrestler. But when you got to college and you observed all the other athletes athletes on campus was there a part of you that was like damn dude i should have gotten into track and field they seem to have a sick life or like damn those soccer dudes

ken state there was no like team there was no like benefits like perks of being an athlete so like the quarterback wasn't it wasn't no no i don't even remember the quarterback it was just dree archer because he was like an nfl talent yeah and then the frat guys that's crazy for a pretty big undergrad population school though yeah just like mac like yeah yeah well what about you mark football obviously yeah probably football i don't know um basketball i don't know football sucks though football i played football in high school and i used to just get my brain smeared like just fucking smoked and i would always just like lay there think what the fuck am i doing i played quarterback and i remember my senior year

uh we're playing in the state tournament and it's like 23 degrees and raining and i'm i'm supposed to be like the leader of the team and like rallying the boys and like let's go fucking kick their ass and fucking take state and all that and i walk leader of the team and like rallying the boys and like, let's go fucking kick their ass and fucking take state and all that. And I walk out of the locker room and it's cold and rainy. And I was like, I just want to go home. Yeah.

It just sucks, dude. What are we doing? Yeah. That would, yeah, miserable. I don't know. Being good at football would be cool, but I'm a gigantic pussy. I think football, like being a non-star in football

is probably the worst experience. Yeah, dude. It sucked. Just like getting sacked is like the worst experience. Yeah, dude. It sucked. Just like getting sacked is like the worst thing ever. You're just like dropping. You're like, I just want to imagine every time I try to throw a football and this guy just I would be so mad at my team. I would hate my teammates for letting that happen.

I was so bad. I was so bad. I could throw a football. Well, that's all I could do. I was such a bad quarterback. You were a quarterback. Yeah, but I was I was good at like what I was. No so you were a quarterback starting order but i was i was good at like what i was you know you were good i remember seeing like a newspaper headline you

took your team to like the we'd be yeah i was i was you weren't bad i wasn't bad were you were you on the wikipedia too oh yeah i've done research about you i was a bad quarterback i was a good thrower of a football so i could like drop back i'm six four and i had like a strong arm and like in high school if if a guy's like running a streak i could fucking bomb it to him and and hit him in stride but as far as like reading defenses there'll be times i'm like lining up under center and i'm just like looking at a bunch of dudes and i'm like i don't even know what i'm looking at i don't know i don't know but you had to have some some games as a high school starting quarterback where you blew the team out and you were the star.

Yeah, I had some good games. That's probably a tremendous feeling. Yeah, yeah. But that feeling did not make up for like every so often you drop back and you see a guy open and you're going to throw it and then you just feel like your ribs crunch and you have no idea what happened. When I watch it in the nfl i

just can't imagine how they keep like they get crazy they're they're are they gonna die like some of the some modern quarterbacks are they gonna eventually die from that yeah yeah did you see that you did the yeah exactly like titus did yeah i know i do that and i'm very caught like i know i'm sorry i shouldn't have put that in your head i mean it's not too embarrassing to say it's not embarrassed it's not even just not seeing somebody do a really good impression of you it does something to you yeah it fucks you up and i apologize no no my buddy josh varner does a really good impression of me I nod a lot and I like will like add on to no no no no can you uh do

his impression of you right now I think do an impression of his yeah well that's pretty good god damn he's good what are you thinking yeah damn he's good yeah he's damn good he's damn good

uh what else we got going on i have uh i know you guys don't do untold stories not anymore really all right we're not gonna do it no go ahead i have i have a new untold story about my anus that's why i felt really do you have a hemorrhoid i actually i actually i do have a hemorrhoid right now yeah this isn't the story you've had a hemorrhoid for three years yeah i don't know how or why i have a hemorrhoid right now. Yeah. This isn't the story. You've had a hemorrhoid for like three years. Yeah. I don't know how or why I have a hemorrhoid because I'm not, I haven't been pushing. I haven't been sitting on the toilet for long.

I've gotten hemorrhoids in the past and I've looked back and I've been, I've studied the tape and I'm like, Mark, you did it to yourself. You're sitting on the toilet too long again. This one, I don't know what I did. I don't know how.

Were you lifting? Yeah. Does that happen? Yeah. You're lifting heavy weight. You're saying it, you you you felt it erupt i'm saying the last like i would say six to ten shits i've taken it's a little stingy a little stingy a little stingy you know uh maybe it's because it's my baseline but i'm just so used to it that it's a net positive

yeah and i don't know what's going on because i've been pretty i've been pretty on top of it um no my story though i got fingered in the asshole oh yeah where i paid 50 for someone to finger me in the asshole in a target off of jefferson boulevard in los angeles uh this was wait a minute mark about a year and a half ago um true story yeah i mean yeah it sounds true um yeah i uh i got a prostate exam okay but i got it but i got my first target i got my very first and only prostate exam i've gotten in my life at a target you got a target as a proctologist uh no it was like i don't even know that's why it's a fun story i don't even know who it was but you weren't you weren't like struggling uh so i uh it uh the i was

pissing a lot and it was starting to sting and i it's the first time that that ever happened to me and i was like i don't think i like i've been in the same relationship for a while so you're starting to have that uncomfortable conversation with your girlfriend where you're like, all right, it stings to piss. Like, is this you? And then she's like, huh? Or maybe it's you. And like, we're pointing, you know. Yeah, one of those.

And then I realized it's probably just a UTI, but I've never gotten it. Like, dudes don't get UTIs like that. Like, it's very rare. You have never. I think I may have. I guess I wouldn't know. But yeah, dude, I've never i'd never gotten a uti in my life never got a uti come on no i get the real deal yeah there's only one real deal buddy chlamydia oh okay okay yeah so uh i i don't do anything about it for like three or four days day day, like five. I'm like, this fucking hurts, dude.

Like every time I'm pissing, it's like really hurting. And I was like, I got to go get this thing care of. And I need to get taken care of now. I couldn't get in anywhere. Nowhere would like, I asked my girlfriend. I was like, she's like, I think you have UTI and women get them all the time. She's like, all you got to do is just go get like a prescription. You need to take care of.

So I was like, how do I do that? She goes, just go make an appointment somewhere and go to like a minute clinic couldn't find him anywhere uh except for like there was this like outpatient type i don't know what the fuck you would call it at a target an actual target yeah like at a plate like they check your blood pressure and shit like that and and and i called them and i was like can you guys write prescriptions and they're like yeah what's going on i was like i think i have a uti and I was like, can you guys write prescriptions? And they're like, yeah, what's going on? I was like, I think I have a UTI. And they're like, yeah, come on in. We'll write you a prescription.

So I went in and they asked me what the problem was. I was like, it kind of stings when I piss. I'm pretty sure it's a UTI. And they're like, is it an STD? I was like, I don't think so. But we can do the test, whatever. I piss in the cup. They're like, we'll run this, all that sort of thing.

And then the lady asked uh i meet with like a nurse practitioner maybe it was and she goes do you have a history of prostate problems in your family my dad just had prostate cancer like oh my god like he just had yeah that's obviously running through your head yeah so i was like yeah i guess i do and she goes have you ever had a prostate exam and i said no and she's like we're gonna have to do that today we're gonna have to right now and then uh i was like well fuck, I guess I am kind of getting of that. I'm 36. You know, usually you're around 40.

I was like, fuck, I guess we're going to have to do that. And then she goes, all right. So what I'm going to need you to do, or she said something like, you don't have to. Don't worry. You don't have to pull your pants. What she said was, you don't have to pull your pants all the way down. Wait, what? Right.

So I heard that. And what I had heard was, you don't have to pull your pants all what she said was you don't have to pull your pants all the way down wait what right so i heard that and what i had heard was you don't have to pull your pants down what she had said was you don't have to pull your pants all the way down why would she even say that she didn't want to see the back of your calves so she said we were doing a prostate exam and you don't have to pull i heard you don't have to pull your pants down i was like oh this will be easy like maybe there's a technology they're just gonna like m Yeah. Just press my asshole and like, you know, and we'll get out of here. Far from the truth. And yeah,

she walks in, just throws a rubber glove on, lubes it up. Yeah, she did it. So you did it like you have a real fast check. Real fast. Yeah.

One under your in and out. All right. Fucking tosses to paper. She fingers the asshole real quick, pulls it out, tosses two paper towels at me and just goes, I'll meet you out front. And then I walk out front. She's like, that's $50. I was like, what a wild experience.

So it's not painful. Is it shocking? No, it is all mental. It's all mental. But can you get the appeal? I did get turned on. Yeah. Yeah. I thought when you were saying they do blood pressure, they have the cuff thing in there. That'd be funny if there's like a prostate one next to it. No, I mean, like that was it on a chair. That was the type of like medical facility I thought I was going to was like all they were allowed to do is just like check your blood pressure. And there's no way at a target.

And so it was. Yeah, it was just a lady. Was she wearing a red shirt? Even when she said you had to do a prostate. Right. When she said you got to get a prostate exam, I was like, so are refer me to somewhere else how close were you to the starbucks you can pay for that with reward points you pissed in like a grande starbucks cup so that's that's a thank you for sharing that it wasn't bad it turned out all right i've never told that story before i feel like and it just

and it was an std right yeah it was it was it was gonorrhea the whole time uh rudy you've had chlamydia twice haven't you yeah okay cool all right guys that's a new one told thanks for listening