A New Untold Story - Freakport feat. Francis Ellis - A New Untold Story: Ep. 391

Episode Date: April 11, 2024

Nick is back from Italy and Francis joins us from Freakport. go see Francis do standup - francisellis.com Ads: Gametime - Download the Gametime app or go to https://gametime.co, enter your email, and redeem code UNTOLD for $20 off your first purchase (terms apply). Factor - Head to https://FACTORMEALS.com/kb50 and use code kb50 to get 50% off your first box plus 20% off your next box.You can find every episode of this show on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or YouTube. Prime Members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. For more, visit barstool.link/anuspodcast

Hey, a new untold story listeners, you can find every episode on Apple podcast, Spotify or YouTube. Prime members can listen to ad free on Amazon Music. Francis had my fucking back against the wall in chess yesterday and he got a little cocky. Yeah, but I was. Who won? It would have been. Have you lost a match? I would have lost that one.

I would have crashed. I would have crushed him. How would you? But you would have crushed me. You lost though. No, we didn't lose. No, I had my back against the wall. He took my queen and he got cocky. I took have crashed. I would have crushed him. How would you? But you lost, though. No, we didn't lose. No, I had my back against the wall.

He took my queen, and then he got cocky. I took his queen. You took my queen, but then I took your rook. I was this close to checkmating you. You had, yeah, that's true, but you, when it came. You were running low on supplies. No, I wasn't. I had two rooks and a bishop. Oh, my God.

You remember everything? And you had one bishop. Okay. And I had a pawn structure. No, my pawn structure was way better do you actually think you would have won that game yours was hodgepodge at best and i my pod i had control of the center and i had straight lines to get all my pawns every single one to your side i would have i would have decked with queens i think that you are uh totally

underestimating the value of a rook. I don't know how. We'll play again. That's fine. Yeah. I'll not lose. Have we begun? I don't know.

Yeah, we're good with the clap. Oh, right now? You want me to reject your reply to what I'm going to say? No, you're just going to say, like, no, that's a new untold story. Hey, is that story old or told? No, baby. That's a new untold story. A new untold story.

It's a fresh, big untold story. A new untold story episode i forgot 392 i believe hell yeah you know for a fact there's nothing on it yeah there's do you know anything about 392 off the top numerology oh uh let's think no okay francis is here we're here with francis the concert pianist it's a stand-up comic ah it's good to be here the double dog dad from Dumbo. Whoa. I did my due diligence. Don't do him dirty. Don't doubt him.

Francis, hello. I didn't want to step on any test. No, that's good. You don't know. You don't know when he's done. KB, yesterday I was sitting down and I went to give him a handshake and I sort of kind of gave a little gentle tug on his arm. I saw that. That's all it took for to start a little.

You could almost see the cauliflower sprouting from his ears. It the wrestler. It was it was as if when you get on the floor with a dog. This is such a misconception. It's always people who want to start something with the wrestler, who want to touch up on the wrestler. How gentle was the tug? No, he did a two-on-one. What does two-on-one mean?

He's only one man. He was starting off an actual move in a match. What the heck? I don't know how to wrestle. I know, but you guys always want to like start something. And then you want to mentally gauge. Is this guy too powerful and strong for me or not? No, that's not it.

Every non-wrestler loves to do that. I want to see you at work and I want something to happen to me but i don't want to be hurt i think we could create art like you're an all-american midfielder you would i said it to you yesterday you would tie my body into a knot no no i would just pummel you well did you see what he did to steven chai yeah see i don't like that i don't like to... Well, he wouldn't do it as hard because... Are you racist, Kyle? Yes. Okay, so... Towards...

Okay, yeah. Yeah, it's racist. Yeah, you could say that KB was trying to open Stephen's eyes to the realities of wrestling a real wrestler. But then you... I don't know. Getting him on the ground might be dangerous because like that's, that's where those people, that's where they eat their dinners and stuff, right? Yeah.

Dude, I got necked to holy hell for this move. This move in the, in the art of combat sports is the equivalent of a stick figure doodle. This is called a mat return. It's worth zero points. It's often just like a way to stall. So this is an art. Oh, it's still art. Everything, every fluid motion.

How is that worth zero points? Yeah, that should be game over. That's pretty fucking definitive. That's the equivalent of catching the golden snitch in my head. That's what I'm saying. To the layman. Enough times

passed to laugh. Now I can because yesterday we had an episode of The Bracket where we were debating the most intimidating things of what is a signal of toughness in a man. And all of those guys were saying like big hands over cauliflower ear. Big hands. That's just kind of lucky,

right? Like big, tough, rough hands. Like they were, they were, uh, they didn't think cauliflower ear was too much.

Hmm. But cauliflower ear only comes from being slammed over and over, right? It's not like when I argue cauliflower, it's not like, oh, I'm tougher than you. I'm better than you. It's like cauliflower year is signs that you have technical training in combat. No, it isn't. You could have just gotten really walloped, right? I guess, but it implies that you do combat sports full

time a lot of rugby players that is yeah and like but that is such an advantage in a fist fight like it just it just is and that's not like oh i'm tougher than you that means i've had extensive training like fighting isn't just who's tougher who's more of a man it's it's it right art itself it's a technical skill he's right i agree with all that i don't know but rough hands that means you're work out working in the fields big rough hands i know i was a high on hands myself yeah i have very soft hands i recall I recall the time in life before the heterosexual renaissance. When was that? I would say that that straight is coming back in a big way. Yeah, that term came into vogue, I don't know, probably like 2005 or something like that.

And you'd never heard it before. And all of a sudden it was the rise of the well-coiffed man. Metrosexual. That's exactly what I meant i mean you said hetero i'm so sorry yeah are you saying the rise of the metro or hetero he's he's the rise of the metro yeah that's when uh men would like pluck eyebrows and they would moisturize and it was and it was you know of course it spawned this uh response which was no no, that's bullshit. You've got to have calloused hands. And it was always the hands. And then all of a sudden, I would start shaking hands with men, and they would always mock me.

Like, wow, you've got soft hands. And then I would get so self-conscious that I didn't want to shake men's hands anymore. Or I would go home and start rubbing my hand on sandpaper. That's right. There was a hand era. There was a hand era. There was this obsession with the sort of smoothness of your hand. And now, at this point in my life, the idea of having rough, calloused hands?

Disgusting. Oh, that would sound awful. Do you guys put moisturizer on your hands before bed at night? Yes, hands and face. I accidentally bought a moisturizer. It's from the brand Hempz with a Z. Accidentally has glitter in it. I'm still wearing it. I have a shimmer at all times. To think that at one point

not so long ago, the idea of admitting that you would wear moisturizer on your face at night for bed some anti-aging cream would have resulted in them saying, oh, you must get fucked in the ass is crazy to me i could not ever go without putting moisturizer moisturizer on my face you use anti-aging though yeah there's some retinol in there okay which means i have to

wear a sunscreen based moisturizer in the morning because retinol can definitely make you very prone to yeah that's right you do the sunscreen yeah that's the am is sunscreen pretty much that's right right right i'm the same way i get into bed i'm like a slippery eel now oh yeah oh i've aquaphor all slathered on my lips i'm doing peptides collagen i accidentally jerked off with anti-aging cream when i was 11 did it were the stop it's he say no more you turn into a tag oh no yeah i fuck like a child i actually had a jerk i had a jerk off uh incident i almost pulled my hammy what and not in the way you think I would

I'm not thinking anything not in the way you think I would were you jerking off standing up? no that's depraved shit I could see Rudy doing that looking dead eyes that's an emergency jerk that's just getting it out

you're not trying to have fun or relax that's not necessarily true I had to get my semen analyzed recently and you had to do it that way. You had to stand? Yeah, but I don't want to step on Rudy's story because Rudy was about to tell a story. So I'm second in line. I want to hear that, though. So what happened was I got out of bed afterwards and the lube I'd used fell.

I've never bought just lube. The bottle or the cream? It was a glass bottle. Neither have I. Yeah. the lube I had used fell. I've never bought just lube. Like, strictly just for penis. The bottle or the cream? It was a glass bottle. Neither have I. Yeah. You had lube for, was it for jerking off? I just have lube in general.

It's good to have. Why? Because you never know when you might. Friction is like the death of all things. I prefer. He's right. Friction is the death. Friction is the death of all things.

Friction sucks. But like, he's right friction is the death the friction is the death of all things which sucks but like how putting a condom on isn't sexy like having to do that how do you like it's not off do you make small talk as you're no opening up the bottle it's not often it's not often you're correct it is but when did you how do you even break that seal of just being like hold on let me get out lube you got to be sneaky you have to sneakily apply you have to use sleight of hand like you just use that watch this one yeah yeah it's all about but it fell off my bed and broke and then i was like oh god this is embarrassing because then for whatever reason the lube in my head like didn't exist and then now it was like a real thing where it's like it shattered like anyways So it's all over and I like clean it up. And then the next day I was walking by and I didn't clean it up well enough.

And I I almost slipped a very slippery substance. Yeah. And I like did like the almost the whole splits. Yeah. So I almost pulled my hammy post jerk off. Yeah. Jerk off. Yeah.

Not in the act of it. Mook, have you ever bought lube? No. Yeah. I don't't i think that's also getting lube in a glass bottle is probably the horniest thing you could ever do was it real fancy lube was this a real good shit yeah i don't know this is strictly for jacking off no for fucking yeah that's right whatever you need it for i love it whenever you get like um a little nervous about a subject and you turn into like Porky Pig

and Looney Tunes. Last time that happened, we were talking about someone's boobs or something and you're like, oh, it was beer boobs on glass. Beer boobs on glass. Press titties. Beer blue, what? Yeah, so Rudy was talking about how there was this glass divider between these booths at a restaurant and this girl flashed them and poured boo Madison beer. No no no stress titties

Okay against glass Her friend poured a beer on it and it stunned us Wait so you had a jerk off standing why don't is that better for semen flow you get semen flow i had semen it's pearl jamming that's it yeah i had to uh i had to get it tested for you know fertility stuff and i you go into the i think i talked about this on son of a boy dad a little bit but you go into a clinic and uh you go and they put you in a room a little room it's very small and there's a chair do they try to make it at least sexy is there like incense or a record

playing no but there is a TV with a DVD player and six pornographic DVDs to choose from. But like what? This is the current state of like sperm banks? It's not a sperm bank. A fertility clinic. One where you would... DVD player.

But like, is it medicinal? It's very retro. Is it medicinal porno? So like, is it like paid for by the doctors or is this straight i i was pretty grossed out blending the world of health and kind of medicine and clinic and you know family planning stuff with owing previously uh utilized pornographic DVDs. Yeah. And so I didn't even venture, I didn't peruse.

I did not browse. But I'm curious, were they like the raunchy, like very poorly designed? I pulled out my phone and watched a scene on my phone. Yes. I was not gonna,

you could see the thumbprints from eager past visitors and you had to put on a pair of over ear headphones think of the sweat to watch the film I guess and the idea of like queuing up a DVD and like going through the

menu on the DVD is it intentionally retro this is their way also if it's a fertility clinic you would assume like the man is there probably maybe with his wife yeah waiting outside jack off the porn there were about five men in the waiting room i don't like i don't like being around dudes that i know are about to jerk off that is the weirdest part devilish that there's it's like a middle school sleepover this air of

within five minutes every single man here will be masturbating on command. Yeah. And are they timid? Are they shy? Are they blushing? No, they are keeping to themselves. Yeah. I wouldn't want small talk.

One has a rather hang dog expression on one's face waiting for their name to be called. And then you can be funny with it because the guy got up and I was like, good luck. Hard man walking. Yeah. And you feel as though, well, they call your name, you go and then, I had worn the wrong outfit.

I wore stiff pants. Oh, were they starchy? They were raw denim. Oh, yeah. You can't take a day off if you're trying to break in raw denim. You can't. And lowering raw denim pants to your ankles that doesn't work is akin to putting a chinese finger trap around your legs i uh i had raw denim in college and you could take them off and they

would just stand on their own that's right yeah that's right disembodied pants yeah so uh i tried that you know had my phone seen but then there was this moment i had where i said i'm not gonna touch those dvds and i'm not gonna put the headphones on there's one chair and it's a reclining chair so it's your bare ass on the chair it bears it you can you can hear the the ghosts of men who have quite literally come before you. Yeah. Sort of howling. Come over. Sit over here.

Is it leather? It's leather. It's like a siren song. Oh, that's bad. And there is one sheet of the medical tissue paper, but it's only on the base. It's not on the back. So if you were to sit back, you would be going skin going skin to and what's the receptacle for you you a tiny cup and and they give you the cup and it has a label on it and they tell you that they

want you to deposit your sample into the cup if any of the sample misses the cup you have to note that and how much and then you have to write the time at which the sample hits the cup close the lid and then ring a doorbell and an orderly comes to collect it so are you putting the cup facing down yeah it's very challenging this is the awkward military headgear you become become... It's shameful. The cup is facing downward on your hard cock. You have to put some part of it over your penis and then kind of get it into it. It's not easy. No.

We should design a better cup. I think that it should be like a cup with a bend Yeah, like a disposable pussy There should be a hole in a wall a glory hole with some sort of padding that you can replace for each new visitor And you fuck the wall or something. Why can't you just do a conjugal visit like with? your partner because You can't What's she gonna do just take your dick and put it in the cup

to finish you yeah i guess yeah i guess you're right also it said there's you can't use lube and we at first i had tried one of these home kits you bought a home kit they send it to you in the mail okay and it says it specifies very clearly no lubricant, no saliva. That would be funny if you got a 23 in me and instead of your spit, confused, sent it back. Well, the problem with this one was that... Is all of this because you want to breed to the best of your ability or because you want to breed at all? It's to check... Sperm count and whatnot. It's to check if motility is low and that you have to start doing other more actionable things to make pregnancy happen.

Because if you keep trying naturally, i had a very bad sperm count or whatever then we might have we might get quicker into the game of ivf creating embryos things like that because we would keep failing without knowing it boggles my mind how some people can just procreate on accident when when you're going you know what those people are called poor teenagers oh yeah oh yeah they are really good and i can't help but think my god if only uh i had met why my wife when we were like 15 or this process would be so much easier or if she was a teenager now yes yes from i'm not defending them but from a procreation standpoint and it's not pedophiles it's that it's that next tier there's a specific word creeps for people that

who like like 15 to 17 that's pedophile I think no because I think I'm not gonna get in this argument we talk about pedophiles a lot will you look that up no don't look it look it up the term do a google image search of pedophile.

Less bad pedophile. No, it's like there's a specific word of the tier that's like 15 to 17. Oh, yeah, I'm sure there is. Like a diet pedophile? No, don't actually look up that. I was trying to get you to find child pornography and I would summon the pets on you. That's a good idea. What'd you say?

Pedo-heb-elia? No. Oh. Ugh. I don't like this. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Do I have to do everything myself? Apparently, yeah.

Attraction to 15-year-olds, 17-year-olds. Hebophilia. This is the one. This is exactly right. Yeah. Because this one's interesting because there are states in the United States where the age of consent is actually 16 or 17. Which ones? I used to have a song about this.

Yeah. But I don't remember it all. Okay. 18 is the age in Utahah oregon arizona idaho and tennessee wisconsin north dakota is that to yankee doodle sure is it's the most american shit ever wow maryland and massachusetts ohio alaska if you're not sure of her age then make sure that you ask her um ohio risk it all nevada so i think it's like new jersey's young there's a big there's a lot of them there's a lot that are 16 which is shocking

oh look francis ellis pedophile no no no go to images by the way the rundown cut Francis read. You got results? You got first page results? No, I went on the rundown once after they were all mad at Ohio State for attacking Kelly or whatever. And I was trying to do a bit where I had done a criminal background check on him for $25. Of course, he's a teacher. criminal background check on him for $25.

Of course, he's a teacher, so it's the most pointless venture one could do because clearly he's going to have a clean record. And that was the whole point, was to highlight that this man is spotless. But I did a joke where I was like, well, I didn't pay the extra

$3 to run the sexual background check, so who knows what skeletons he may have in his car. Actually, I don't even think i said that but i was like but i did see that he lives within a 50 mile radius of these known sex traffickers or sex people and and then i like named one or two of them and i was like one can't help but question the character of a man who would choose to live down the street from such didn't people get mad at you for doxing the sex offender that's right that's what it was yeah and i was like really we're uh they took it down because you docked doxed sex but they're there i mean they're publicly in a public registry and are we in the fucking business of protecting don't they get a sign in their front yard too? Did you know that you can get tickets

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purchase. Terms apply. Isn't there a sign if you're a sex fan? Like one of those, like, homecoming games? The two people that you put signs in your front yard, if there's home of a student athlete or if you're a pedophile. Perby and Panthers, number 11. Right next to it. Design the same as my if you're a pedophile Perbian Panther is number 11 right next to it stay away from my dad proud pedophile

dad of a Greensville Cougar it's the same font as like a beware of the dog proud pedophile dad of a student athlete sad pedophile son I think they have to put signs no I had a this pedophile dad has a son

on the honor roll I was trying to be funny when I did that and somehow the narrative came out that it was oh my god it does look like the dog one same John Goodman

is that him proud of it how does he continue to get work that's a... Guy's hosted SNL like 50 times. Wait, that guy's selling a Catholic-only property? Hell yeah. Didn't you...

So you tutored overprivileged kids in the outer city with too many fathers i did tutor i did tutor kids i liked it i liked it and i was talking to will compton about this yesterday because i think he and whitney were having this conversation there's you know this this idea that exorbitant wealth necessarily leads to corrupted youth. And I met so many families, so many wealthy families that had no problem keeping their kids grounded and ambitious and understanding the value of a dollar.

Probably makes a lot of sense that they have a much higher percentage of good yeah kids than yeah i think poor people love to to say that uh you know that all rich people and kids end up fucked up and their civil it's like okay you know people love when extremely wealthy people don't support their kids like bill gates like i'm not leaving them anything and people do love that yeah yeah they do love which is strange i'm sure he's not he's not leaving them high and dry is he no i don't think bill gates's children are going to be texting him for fucking infusions anytime soon um that said i'm sure that they attended the finest private schools that are probably quite successful in their own right.

No, they're not privileged at all. Not entitled to any inheritance. I'd be so pissed. Yeah, that sucks. No, they'll be just fine, I'd imagine. Would Harvard allow them in on last name alone? Is that a strong enough last name? I think it's one of those things where bill gates is probably given 250 million dollars at some point to harvard to build

a computer science center and that gift would say that any one of his kids would be able to get in okay time oh yeah a little bit of privilege yeah but it's also this thing where like again those kids went to private schools and had sat tutors and have the numbers whether you know to get in because they've been given the best chance oh yeah there's no denying that. Tutoring, especially ACT and SAT tutoring, makes a significant difference. It is the biggest academic doping thing, I think. That was the problem with me tutoring,

was that I was... You were too good? I was just unleveling the playing field for applicants. But that's what tutoring is yeah i know wait so like those kids were practically cheating i tutored a lot of kids who didn't need tutoring yeah but like you're thinking it's unfair it's just like yeah these kids were like cheating on the test because i taught them so well they memorized it let's put it this way my services would been it would have been better for the

world had i been you know inner tutoring inner city kids who don't even know that sat prep books exist okay and presenting them with the techniques like that is a better way to i don't know grow the robust middle class in america something like that. Well, it gives like more parity for sure. Yeah. Like I will say this, my standardized testing numbers because I had a tutor, my balls were so juiced. And I had accommodations because I have a learning disability. I can't even explain to you how much higher my score was than if I had just been on my own. Right.

It's crazy. And it's tough because this is a great point, Rudy. Like I met parents that, you know, would find doctors to write to the college board that my child has a learning disability, which would give them time and a half or or double time when time is the hardest thing to deal with on those standardized tests. Anybody can do well on the reading comprehension if you're given enough time to actually peruse the whole dense passages. And these kids didn't need it. And it's almost like the equivalent of going to a doctor on the boardwalk in Santa Monica. I have back pain. Write me a script for medical marijuana.

Parents were getting that done for their children who didn't need it a lot of the time i was hired to ensure a 99th percentile result have you ever had somebody that was just profoundly dumb though that you just couldn't get through yes i had kids who were who were not smart so you take your diagnostic and you get your baseline and you say like let's hope to improve you know 10 points from that do they tell you like what schools they want to get into and then you yeah i had to temper expectations a little bit but for the most part parents were pretty realistic i would say okay they had an understanding again these are like upper east side wealthy families

in new york yeah that are not as delusional or as like out of touch as one would typically. Yeah. I think you'd know if you have a dumb kid. Yeah. And, you know. Did you ever get tutored or anything, Kyle? No. I didn't know that existed.

I didn't know help existed. Dude, I got tutored for the SAT in just the math portion. Yeah. It was like like 15 an hour in maine and i was it was some old lady yeah i'm like why are you doing this did it help you yeah i needed it studying helps yeah studying my mom would like studying is like the books like i was prepared i well prepared i had to take the sat i took the sat once and like my writing and reading scores were fine and then i

had to but my math i could have used a little improvement i got some tutoring on some techniques and all that i don't know five six sessions and then took it again and i saw a huge improvement i think you needed a 15 on the ACT to get to WVU. Yeah, it's low. Yeah. What about, how was Freakport? I'm sorry? Freakport.

Freakport? How was Freakport? You're talking about Freakport? What was the vibe in Freakport? Is this a take on Freakport, where I'm from? Yeah. They don't call it that? Do they call it that? I've never heard that.

You didn't have a fun spin on, did you ever call it Deathlehem where we're from? Yeah, Deathlehem. I thought Freakport. Like, don't you have like Bustin's Islands? No, but we certainly do. I love how Kyle does research. These are such esoteric places around where I live. Yeah.

To get to Bustin's, So few people lived on Boston's islands. Bustin' Islands? No. Freeport? Freeport. The Bean? When did you tell him that I might be joining you on Anus Today? Wolf's Neck.

This morning. Wolf's Neck's Woods. Wolf Neck, yeah. Wolf's Neck. Neck. Bustin'. Woods. Bustin'.

Woods. What the hell? Who's your mayor? I don't even know it's fucking robert kennedy come on t kennedy wait wait did you know that to to get out to boston's island you had to pass through a small i don't know if it would be it's not it's tiny but it's a small island. And what was that island called? Do you know? No. Pound of Tea. No way. Pound of Tea Island. Robert Kennedy is the mayor.

Yeah, he's got nothing much on him. Yeah. All right, let's slow it down a little bit. We're talking about 3Chi. It is the premier place. It is the premier cannabis product. Go to their website. They just launched its new line of True Strains vapes and gummies that give tailored cannabis experience.

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3Chi.com. That's 3Chi.com. Listen, go find your true strain today, but I've talked enough about how much this product means to me and how good it's been to me in my life. I don't have to say it anymore. Just do it. Go try it. Do you want to hear an interesting scandal that we had up in Maine?

Yeah. Was it involved Palestinians? Did it involve the desert of Maine? One of the oldest natural curiosities. What is that? An expanse of what? What is the desert of Maine? There is so much nostalgia welling from within me right now as he hits on these.

And that's what I go for with new guests. I like that. That's the ultimate goal. Who did you have on? within me right now as he hits on these. And that's what I go for with new guests. I like that. That's the ultimate goal. Who did you have on Not Too Late? Did someone say that you sounded like Nardwar or something like that? I think that was a different podcast I was seeing. I would love to.

But that's very Nardwardian of you, what you're doing there. Is that his name? Yeah. The guy who talks to rappers about things from their past? That's a hot compliment. The rappers freak out because Narduar just talks to their closest friends. Yeah, he just like contacts their mom.

Yeah. It's him and it's the Hot Ones guy who are so good at doing the research for guests. Here's a scandal. This is interesting. So Maine is a very interesting state politically. You just passed us in whitest, I believe.

No, I think we passed then. Yeah, we've had it. We've had it. And then we, all right. Least diverse state. Yeah. And it's not because we're racist so much as nobody wants to live there. No, people don't want to go up there.

Yeah. There's not enough industry. But there's so much of more of a an appeal on the coast of maine rural maine than that's expensive okay for like first generation immigrants trying to integrate there are not a lot of job opportunities yeah there's just no industry like there's you know the whole state shuts down for six months. It's logging for like two thirds of the state. The infrastructure breaks down.

You're driving on logging roads. Did you ever play on one of those log? Are those flumes? The shoots? We did. Kids always fall under and die. Oh, every movie.

There's like a kid that gets underneath a log. Did you know a kid that got trapped? No, I did not. Maine is like a child death state. Yeah. Yeah, probably.

Yeah. We were also very hard hit by the opioid crisis as was West Virginia. Sure, yeah. That's just turning into every place in the world.

No, but we were the original two states and it was because, did you see Dope Sick? What, the old one? The New York City one?

The one about, you know the genesis of of the you have a prescription of yeah the the deceit of the pharmaceutical company that you know yeah said it was i didn't see addictive it's a good show it's got the guy from the original batman who was in michael keaton mich Michael Keaton is the star of it. It's very good. Beetlejuice is the star of that. Is that Michael Keaton? It was Michael Keaton Beetlejuice.

But the story was that Purdue Pharma sought states where there was a high likelihood of pain and workplace injury. And the biggest thing they found was timber the timber industry so that was maine and west virginia a lot of sense well not yeah and the most dangerous job they would go to the doctor's offices around those big sites that were treating a lot of guys that had back pain and shit from like mining, timber, stuff like that. And say, hey, we have this new miracle drug that is non-addictive that treats pain. Here you go. And then that just spread like wildfire from there.

But it was, I went to, I graduated high school in 2007. And I think I was right on the eve of it getting to high school. Vicodin was super, super, super accessible as a high school kid. You could buy it very cheaply. You saw that? Yeah. And when did you graduate high school? 2010.

I had a script. Really? Yeah. And people were offering me money for it. I was like, oh, what? When you get your wisdom teeth taken out that you got like something even less like dental wise and uh people were offering me money for my vicodin i had my wisdom teeth taken out and i'm pretty sure i got 30 oxycotin pills mine weren't like impacted or anything there was that was just like in a tooth pool then i just got yeah and i think i took two of them and then switched to advil and dumped the rest down the drain and from that day on all the

lobsters of maine had heroin needles in their claws that's right you got you got a lot of lobsters just a bunch of lazy lobsters i mean what was the scandal though drooling plump them up the scandal, though? Drooling. Plump them up. The scandal. Oh, yeah. We had. So Maine is a politically weird state. It splits its electoral votes in proportion to the popular vote. It's one of two states that does that.

The other being. Samoa. I think it's Nevada. Yeah. Yeah. Every other state. it's a zero-sum game whichever candidate receives more popular votes uh will get all of the electoral votes for that state now we only have four electoral votes so it's not that big of a deal but maine being very liberal and democratic on the coast and in the south which is where the dense population center is, gets three blue votes from that.

But the entire north is people who like to snowmobile, hunt, and the loggers and things like that. And it is firmly red. It might be the most politically, like, the shift is steeper than anywhere else. It is so, so polar opposite. It's like what Oregon? Yeah. Yeah. And so they get what Michigan.

There's typically one vote that goes towards the Republican candidate. We, in my recent life, had a Tea Party Republican governor named Paula page, who was just an absolute character. We had, I think, two Democrat Congress people. And then we had an independent and a moderate Republican Senator, uh, Olympia snow and, uh, Angus King. And, King and so it's all over the map our representatives in the re-election campaign for governor

against Paul LePage the Democrat candidate was very weak but an independent ran against him a guy named Elliot Cutler and you can look him up this fucking guy very weak, but an independent ran against him. A guy named Elliot Cutler. And you can look him up. This fucking guy.

Yeah. This dude was like seen as being like much more interesting. There's a mugshot. Wait till you hear this fucking story. Dude, what a hairline. What is this? This dude was like uh ivy league educated he's very wealthy had started a lot of businesses incredibly such a contrast to the bumbling grumbling jowly uh paul lepage tea party guy who was very overweight and just like would say stuff

like obama came to our state and he fucked us without using any lube. Like said stuff like that. Very almost like a pre-Trump mold. And this guy was seen to be the foil to him. He's an independent. Sure enough, a couple years after his failed bid to win the governorship, the FBI raids his house and finds troves of child pornography. Why do you need so much? It's always troves.

Troves. Terabytes. There's never been a guy with one video. They like their variety. They like their variety. It is always troves. It's more than you could ever imagine. And it is spilling out of their house.

There's no way they've seen it all. Just like other states' electoral votes, I would say that child pornography discovery is a zero-sum game. There is not a whole lot of a difference between a one picture and the trope. Yeah, I guess that's why. If you have it, you're doing time. But these guys are always like, they're having to jump on the suitcase to shut

their collection. Like, hey, come sit on this. They've got the best MacBook Pro. Like they've got separate hard drives. Apple should like, if you go in and ask for like the most memory possible, because I've never been close to filling up a laptop. It's always like their files were spilling out of their drawers. It's like that one guy trying to hold all the limes.

That way they're similar to Pokemon people. You never just have one Pokemon. No, you have to get every single one. You have to buy a binder and a laminator. But this was a really this was kind of a fucked up, sad, scary. It was bad. Have you ever seen West

Virginia's governor? He refuses to take off Crocs. He's like seven Jim Justice. Oh, he's fat as all hell. He's the fat. He looks like the bad guy from Monsters, Inc. I like a fat governor. He takes his dog everywhere. Oh, look at the size of this guy. I love him. Look at his

height. Yeah, there was the picture of him walking out next to that woman, right? Yeah, he's the biggest guy in the world. Did you see the one where he was showing his dog's ass yeah he loved the dog is very popular factor okay it is time to eat stress-free this spring because factor has delicious ready-to-eat meals every fresh never frozen meal is chef crafted it's dietitian approved and it's ready to eat in just two minutes or less if you prefer a cooler meal choose from a weekly menu of 35 options including popular options like calorie smart keto protein plus or vegan and veggie Also discover more than 60 add-ons every week. They have breakfast options. They have on the go lunch, snacks, and beverages to help you stay fueled and feel good

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plus, I got a, is it? 20% off your next box. Wow. That's KB50 at factormeals.com slash KB50. You can eat Crocs. I forget what his name is. You can eat Crocs.

Yeah, maybe that's why I like them. What do you mean you can eat Crocs? They're edible. No, they're not edible. They're probably just non-toxic. Famously in Shackleton's Voyage as they sought the North Pole, the ship got marred in the ice flows and they had to eat their

boots you're actually onto something yeah which was oil their rocks were initially designed to be fishing they were designed to be eaten and they are edible the only last resort think of eating a frozen leather i'll take a crock over that any day the 6.8 360 he. He's 6'8"? Yeah. Wow. Dude. Wait. 6'8", 368. Do you have to boil them? Non-toxic. All right. We didn't ask if they were nutritious. Yeah.

Let's not get all dietary on us. No, you shouldn't eat your Crocs. No nutritional value. Is it safe to boil Crocs? You can mold them like a mouth guard. That would be nice. And I'm always right. Step into it as quickly as you can.

It will be hot. I'm interested in eating an entire baby-sized croc. Wait. Only the crocite? Not the plastic? Did they invent their own material? I'm looking to eat a baby-sized croc.

Did you guys see the thing about the guy who ate the hockey puck? No. Jonathan Quick? What's his name? He was like, he set a goal of eating a hockey puck and he was going to nibble at it every day and he tried for a lot of days

and ate a good portion of it. I love the way these guys phrase their Reddit questions. It might be the Reddit. Update, would it mess me up if I ate a puck? Terrible diarrhea. I found a high correlation between puckers have terrible diarrhea

and stomach pains. Small sliver a day for various periods of time until I was able to stand it anymore. Two weeks. Called it quits about a fortnight ago. I've not noticed a statistically significant increase in goaltending ability.

How much did he do? Show that picture. Goalies are insane. In the middle, up, up, edit, here Show that picture. Goalies are insane. In the middle, up, up, edit. Here's a picture. That's not that much progress. No, that's still a puck. I think I could do that in a day. That is probably the hardest thing to eat. It's tough.

A crock would be tougher, I think. The boys in the Reddit meth are the best are they the best they're they're having fun they just talk about here's my here's my meth like having a blast everyone's like hell yeah a nice man hell yeah like there's a lot of active users, probably like 200,000, just celebrating meth. Is our meth down? What's the subreddit? r slash meth? It's meth, yeah.

Oh yeah, OJ died. OJ died. Anything on that? It's just a reminder, man. It's true. It is a reminder man it's true it is a reminder go on live life to any day could be your last so live life to the fullest yeah yeah rest in the sweetest peace i can't recall a person who has died where immediately the nation turned to jokes. There's no one

in his position. Where it was not only completely acceptable to make jokes, but that was everyone's first instinct. Just immediately start making jokes. Him and the queen. The queen was close. Really? Yeah. People were dunking on the queen. Here,

but not over there, right? I don't know if they liked her over there. They revered the queen over there. Dude, not if you're from Liverpool. What the fuck? Maybe not. You're right. But I think that by and large, the British populace has a reverence for the queen.

It's one of their wackest qualities. I went over there to do a video with Tommy thinking people would be super patriotic and they didn't give a fuck. Yeah, I'm pretty sure like it's pretty like they don't care. Maybe I'm wrong. Yeah. I watched The Crown and I hold her in the highest regard. Queen Elizabeth?

They're just figureheads. They don't have any power. Yes, but she reigned for so many years and was so devoted to it. They do have some power. What do you mean reigned for so many years? She doesn't have to go through an election. Yeah, she has do you mean reigning for so many years? She doesn't have to go through an election. Yeah, she has to live. Reigning for so many years just means she was old.

She just had to live and be born. I think it's, if you guys watched The Crown, if you were to watch The Crown, which you should, it's one of the best shows I've ever seen, you would see that she dealt with her fair share of difficult moments. All right. It's not all tea and crumpets.

It's not all pageantry. And, you know, she had marital scandals. She had to set up the murder of her daughter-in-law. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That was a tough moment. I'm sure logistically very tough. She's portrayed very well in that show, by the way. Die?

Yeah. The actress that they found is so eerily similar to her. Princess Di. Apt name. Yes. I love thinking of apt names. Apt names are good. Princess Di is a good one.

Chris Moneymaker. Prince Fielder. Least apt name. Magic Johnson. Doug Funny. Oh, yeah. But in a weird way like gay pat kind of gay pat is apt edward scissorhands yeah he's so lucky his last name was scissorhands yeah true true what luck but didn't he have fucking scissorhands well yeah but like later on so like he probably

got made fun of a ton in like middle school arm and hammer army hammer came first arm and hammer came first yeah arm and hammer then he was like fuck this i might as well just buy it no some shit like that that cannot be some shit like that i think arm and hammer was like armand hammer i'm just gonna buy it like that shit this shit's weird like these coincidence name shit like this is my identity my name i don't want like shit to get misconstrued i'm gonna buy this wait yeah dude was he just like wait this makes perfect sense yeah what came first i think the baking soda came first. Then Armand. Do you think he was walking down the street?

Not Armand. Armand. R-A-R-M-A-N-D. But still Armand Hammer was like, I'm going to buy my name. I'm going to buy that. Yeah, I bet you he was in the grocery store and he's like, no fucking way. Yeah, and he probably is annoyed by it. How's this not mine? People are going to think this is me or the Embers.

He's had quite the career. My God. Yeah, this is probably the most appropriate name for the owner of Armand Hammer. What else is there? I'm trying to think of like... Bernie Madoff. Yeah, good one there. He made off with a shit ton of cash and he got burned

um oh jay simpson no no but i've owed to jay simpson her breasts um who else um there's got to be more. Anthony Weiner. Yeah, apt. Meteorologist Sarah Blizzard. Is she popular? Not too popular.

Is she popular for a meteorologist? Or just a middling meteorologist? She's pretty good. Nick was just in Italy. Yeah. Yeah, that's right. That was fun. He did the Florence, Rome thing.

Yeah, it was fun. That is fun. Yeah, it was nice. You said something that I don't know if I believe. You don't get... So the gluten there... Didn't get sick. It's fine.

I still didn't do like Is it because it's not gluten? The way they process flour is way different But you said the wine Didn't get hung over I had like 20 glasses a day Really? Didn't get hung over

Because of? I don't know Because you were happy? Probably adrenaline and happy And sleep and happy and sleep and exhausted and walking 10 miles a day yeah when i was on spring break i didn't get hung over but i probably was yeah fuck maybe i was um that was a good time yeah i don't know not much to say was you were like where's your neck piece my kerchief my neck scarf i bought it from the

gayest frenchman of all time which imagine that you usually don't have to say gay when you say frenchman i have to for this day and uh he did not want to serve me at all like in his shop because i bought it like a neck scarf with like a jade piece right here in the center so they're an ass cock yeah it was it was a it was like a kerchief neck scarf it was really cool really cool. I got some new ones, too. Some silk. I gave you one. Thanks for the silk. Yeah, I have it. Yeah, I don't know. It was just, there was nothing to talk about. Nothing to talk about.

No. Good food. Didn't change you, like, irreversibly. No. My bathroom in one of the hotels was just a clear cube in the center of the room, and I did not like that. That's weird. Yeah.

I didn't like that at all. It was a clear toilet? it was like a clear glass cube four walls in the middle of the room leaving toilet shower bathtub oh i see like very strange what do you think of the coliseum oh that's me eating a floor that's a that's a steak in florence oh there's the next car yeah that's right and look at that steak that That is a good scarf. You ever wear neck shit? I have worn a sort of balaclava. Yeah, sure. That's a face covering, is it not?

I get that one confused. Isn't it rather encompassing? That? That's a balaclava. To ski. That's a shy stick. I feel like we could Photoshop you in a photo of the band Vampire Weekend and be like, which one of these guys isn't in the band? I don't know what they look like. They're very North.

They're Massachusetts. Oh. Well, yeah, their vibe is similar to yours. They're all dark haired. Oh, this is the weakest necks. It's true. Look at those necks don't look at the guy in the back right

second from the right looks like he's barely keeping that head up one time Kyle I bought a hemp necklace at the Yarmouth clam festival oh nice why were you just telling Kyle that well I thought he might know yeah the Yarmouth clam my senior picture is

me wearing a hemp necklace. With a sublime shirt. And a hemp bracelet as well. Often when I would return home from a family vacation at spring break, we would go to, one time we went to the Cayman Islands. And I bought a Cocoa Shell necklace.

And I wore that home. I bought mine, we would vacation at Lake Erie, where I would Cocoa Shell necklace. And I wore that home. I bought mine. We would vacation at Lake Erie where I would get my shell necklace. That was an exorbitant vacation. I won't deny it. Typically, we went to Florida. Okay. I went to Lake Erie. Lake Erie had a fantastic water park indoor.

I went to the lake and boogie boarded in the lake. I had nothing else to say I think it's a good vacation destination Have you ever had the steak in Florence? They say it's the protagonist of Florentine cuisine Bistecca? I think I have

I've been there a few times when I was in college because I had two friends who were studying abroad there and I was in France and I would go take the train down to school. I was just hoping you never did. Why? Sounds like you did a three plus times. I've probably had more steak in Florence than you have. Yep.

That's why I regret asking. The pizza was the good stuff in Florence. Did you have much pizza? Not much pizza at all. Oh, because of the gluten. I didn't want to risk it too much. Right. But yeah, it was good.

I had a good time there. I look like a fucking doofus. No, no. That is a good shirt and a good neck piece. Thanks, man. You look like the extra in an Indiana Jones movie who's like the archaeologist. I appreciate that. That's what I wanted to look like. You look like the like extra in an indiana jones movie who's like the archaeologist i appreciate that that's what i wanted to look like you look like humphrey bogart

i uh got anxious on the plane there do you know what humphrey bogart looks like it sounds like a that name is somebody yeah one of the most famous actors of all time oh so that was a that was supposed to be a diss no he, he's renowned as fuck. Yeah. Casablanca. Yeah, okay. I think you look like a long-haired version of the guy that Kevin Spacey violated. Oh, thanks, man. From Rent, that guy.

He was in Road Trip as well. What was that guy's name? Was it Joan Benoit Samuelson? That might be the one, Anthony Rapp. Who's Joan Benoit Samuelson, Kyle was that guy's name? Was it Joan Benoit Samuelson? That might be the one, Anthony Rapp. Who's Joan Benoit Samuelson, Kyle? This guy. Oh, man. Long-haired version of him.

Yeah, holy shit. You kind of do. Spacey would have had his way with me. At least in that, in the picture, he's much more, that's like a headshot. Yeah. The one of Nick. Did he play a straight guy in Rent? oh fuck too bad

who was the other guy Kyle? how does that baby look like both of them? how did they do it? wait a minute did they have that child naturally? you know what's interesting? this is really cool about some gay couples what they

i i know some couples that will take the sperm from one of them and then the egg from a sister of the other oh and then they create an ovary and use a surrogate and therefore you have genes from both parents. Wow. Isn't that cool? That's nice. Yeah. Yeah. That's a cool way to do it.

Imagine being God and seeing that. What the fuck? God damn it. You guys are remixing these things. I made this stuff so easy. All the teens are doing this on accident. You guys are sampling babies like you're on a Kanye beat. It's fucking crazy what a comedic

and like modern version of a very like traditional objection to gay families God says Adam and Eve not Adam and Steve I've never mind God says Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve. I've never mind.

Never mind at all. No, cool. Yeah, I do resemble that gay guy. I got so anxious on the flight there. That's why I have no beard. I plucked the entire half of my beard out on the plane without knowing. I'm a compulsive hair plucker. Oh, man. I couldn't even

shave when I landed, so I just had a fucking patch. Patch from pulling? Was it turbulence? No, not really. It was just cramped up long. I didn't get good seats. Damn, that's depressing. What did you think of the Coliseum? Sick. So cool. I didn't do any tours though

i just walked around the outside yeah i didn't do a tour of anything yeah i would never want to i was looking at like the ticket website like every tour was like four and a half hours you want to see it yeah i just want to see it and i'll learn about it after i don't want to immerse myself in foreign cultures yeah oh wait you, wait, you got an Oculus. I'll be the one who says it. Um, you know, exposing yourself to very different cultures,

customs, ways of life is uncomfortable. Italy. Isn't that crazy though. So I'll stay put, but you have an Oculus now. I know. So it's the same.

Have you watched porn on it yet? No. Well, that was the most guilty note ever. I watched Alice in Wonderland at Red Rocks and kept turning around, scooting on my ass in 360 mode to see like the different crowd members. Yeah? Was it fun? Why were you sitting?

On my bed. Why were you sitting? It's really cool. It feels like I was, the technology isn't quite there yet. Oh, the technology's there. It's amazing. Have you ever had VR heads there yet the technology's there it's amazing it i'm saying it could be it's amazing it was like i haven't felt this way since maybe like the playstation 2 came out with tech i guess it's it's been existed for four years maybe 10 years but i was wowed by i've never experienced it you're just i was just at the pulpit rock i

was just at horseshoe bend just there no difference crystal clear there is no difference between me standing at the actual attraction and me watching on vr so when you get older and you go into a retirement home would you be fine if they just put you in a tube i'm now so i'm now so excited for the future because when that when vr technology advances i feel like it's just going to mimic real life yeah i've already kind of it's close i want the concert i want concerts to be more are you going to break down and watch porn on it you think no yeah i agree there's too much tech too much you already have haven't you won't do that no no i genuinely think that would be the first thing i would do yeah yeah yeah isn't that the i think i i would look at it but i wouldn't jerk off it's it is you can't free yourself of the notion that you're wearing a ridiculous headpiece and holding like the controllers oh there are controllers i haven't messed around with one

i've never put the oculus on you have it it's insane it's pretty dope i don't yeah i'm like i was like so surprised that it hasn't been lauded as more of a what do they cost? $500 That's what I paid not as much as I would have thought so, you know, you know the Apple vision one The new one is like two grand. Is it whoa? Huh, that's the best thing that's new shit that just dropped Did you catch yourself like one to like engage in conversation with people no wait what what did you like catch yourself like oh i'm really here i'm gonna say like are you having a good night and then you

realize that you're like in a vr yeah i wasn't that lost in the moment i gotta get high enough um you're off the weed francis yep except i three and a half months last night yeah you got caught on camera oh were you lying to me no you broke last night yeah are you gonna have you have you broken no i mean i've been broken i've been smoking every day yeah that's what i'm yeah and i will not forget to do it again tonight and tomorrow do you look forward to it i look so much forward to it i need to start i've just been like working out harder to justify like, oh, like this is reward based. The harder I work out, the more I get to smoke.

Any scares? Have you smoked too much? No. I'm past that stage. Now it's just nice. Can you smoke and go out yet? No. Okay.

That sucks. What do you, what do you like to smoke? It is making. Joints or? Joints. Yeah. Joints. Blunt Joints are the best.

I don't know the difference. Never have known. Never have known. Buns is in a cigar wrap that has nicotine in it. Tobacco. Really? That's what a bun is. I thought they were interchangeable.

I grind up the flour and put it in a paper cone. That's a joint. That's a joint. Joint. Yeah. You grind it up yourself? Do you like the ritual of it or why don't you buy I would just buy pre-rolls

I think I would but my ID expired I can't get into a dispensary so where are you getting weed I still have residuals from when they dropped everything off yeah but I need to get that I need weed for Hawaii

oh when do you go to Hawaii no way you can get really good weed out there. A couple weeks. No way. You can get really good weed out there. You put that expired ID? You'll find it. Are you going to a resort? Like a hotel? Yeah.

Talk to the bellhop. Give them 20 bucks. They'll have a weed guy for you. That's what it's like? Yeah. Don't get me in a weird spot. It's all grown outside with that rich soil that they have. The volcanic.

I don't want to ask the bellhop. Dude, it's not weird. And then he's been like, what? They'll be like, we do this for every single person. Oh, then I'm more excited now. It's like going to Jamaica in a way. You're going to be a Howley. That's what they call the white man there.

What? Yeah. Isn't that right? I don't know. I think so. I've only been to Hawaii once. Dude, I might never step foot in a club again. That's depressing.

Why do you think that's a nightclub? I don't want to, but like a lot of hypotheticals like you're at the club. I might never be in a club again. No, no chance. I don't think I've ever been in a club. You probably haven't. I've never been in a club. What spurred that thought i was just thinking of life like whenever you did oj dying make you think of

this whenever you think of fun like you think of the club the club the club is often used in like situational and conversational like you go to the club someone's grinding someone's grinding on you on the club you're popping like that's where you pop bottle like i might never be in a club again damn man yeah you ever be in a club i hope that i'm never in a club again yeah they'll be bad loud and claustrophobic and expensive and you're never dressed right i'm not sure what would yeah i agree but the thought of never being in a club again is sad why don't you just do a different type of club i don't want to but i'm saying like the club becomes

you know a golf club or a country club or a place a dungeons and dragons club whatever that's your club now no a weightlifting weed smoking reward-based system club where everyone knows very very specific facts about each other's hometowns that's a dream kyle facts about each other's hometowns that's a dream kyle yeah no i'll just do more vr there we go i can't do anything new without making it my thing yeah not a problem yet i don't i don't i get into vr and now it's like oh vr is my thing that's kyle's thing yes but i don't see you demanding credit for those things i kind of do though do you without speaking it yeah but if I don't see you demanding credit for those things. I kind of do, though. Do you? Without speaking it, yeah.

But if you don't speak it, then it's... Whenever I get a new interest, it's always... It's not like, oh, this is the thing I'm interested in. This is my thing. So any conversation about that interest, that thing, it relates to me. You feel possessive of it? Right. You do.

If you were to hear someone out there... Every fad i've had is it becomes my thing when anyone else talks about it i have to be involved if you heard eddie out there right now talking about uh vr headsets yeah i was that's oh that's kb's bit you would need to go out and be like you know that jack that for me you jack my swag was there first in my head like that's my thing now. If someone out there right now was like, I don't think I'm going to go to clubs anymore.

I just, yeah. So do you think that way because you feel like you like it better? You like it better than they like it? Every time I get a new interest, I have to be the face of it. Yeah. Meet the new face of vr way on my bed and think about how like i'm the vr guy now like how can i represent vr and like everyone else is going to be like what can you do to raise awareness yeah every other vr user is just going to be like below me on the cast system the idea of like you being in an

advertisement for vr as like the new face like you're the mascot of vr yes like you look like the guys like this could be you yeah and that that's i'm gonna like talk about vr all the time now like everyone's gonna associate like in my head i'm gonna be the vr guy i live in a fantasy world i know like I feign humility very well but like I am oh I'm so power hungry every new interest I get every fat I'm in I'm like this hat this do you have to be the best at it or you just want it handed no like I'm not the best like I'm like the ceo I'm the god of this I'm the god of this realm of life so anyone else who steps into like maybe it's just working out maybe it's smoking

weed and eating a lot when i did that for the first time like i became the face of that in my head like i'm the i'm the guy who gets high and eats an exorbitant amount of junk food that's my thing now and you see yourself you don't see yourself as number one you're just the i'm like the guy yeah because i live in this bubble where yeah in my world right like i'm like i have oh man i think yeah it's funny to trace one's life based on the fads that you jump from one to the next i've done this exercise exercise. You can look at it. So in my life, the things that I have been guided by obsessively. So as a child, I was obsessed with, you know, Power Rangers, and then it moved to Star Wars, Star Wars action figures. And every penny I found,

I wanted to save money to buy more action figures. And then from there, I jumped to the NBA. And then I had a brief stint with automobiles. And I would get Car and Driver magazine as like a seventh grader. After that... DuPont Registry. Yeah, DuPont Registry. Bingo.

What? Yeah? And my friends and I would sit in cars and like point out cars. Oh, look, there's a Lincoln Navigator after that after that there goes Francis again in Maine you didn't get to see Lambos

and fucking Ferraris we just found nice SUVs so then after that you go to in high school what did I get into probably a little more nba there sort of swinging back and forth i definitely had i got up i had a period where i was i was into girls um heterosexual i was yeah i went through like a girl phase and then got over that like girl crazy god just like thinking about them a lot yeah yeah yeah you, yeah. You know, liking them. You might be describing puberty. I liked them a lot.

I like wanted them. What do you mean? Yeah. Like I desired them. I don't know about the way you said that. I just desired them. When you say wanted,

that's when it's a problem. You seem like a collector. You can be like, I wanted that girl. That's normal. But when you say, I wanted her. Yeah, I wanted them.

I wanted them. I didn't know how to, you know, earn it. I didn't know how to earn her. Or possess her. I didn't know how to earn it. I didn't know how to earn her or possess her. So you had to take.

I had to look from afar. I had to window shop. That's right. Just browsing. Luckily there were plenty of branches. Peeping Tom is the funniest crime. Placed within a decent eye line of their pantry

pots and pans peeping tom would be a worse crime if it had a less funny it's so funny he's a silly little name yeah and just that it's always like they're always climbing trees what a mischievous and they only get caught when the girl looks and they fall out. Whoa, whoa! It's funny to think of like, you wouldn't apply peeping Tom to a guy in a high-rise apartment with a high-end telescope looking through the window. Yeah.

The dude jerking off in a tree. You do that, Rudy? But that's not peeping Tom. That's like peeping Sebastian or something. I think you almost have to be childish in nature to peep. That's a different name.

That's a gazing Sebastian. Yeah, that's like astronomical invasive. An ogling Oliver. But a peeping Tom is a guy that's wearing a striped shirt, messy hair up in a tree.

He's got fudge on his face. He does got fudge on the corners of his lips. He's genuinely dangerously perverted. But they're just like, oh, don't mind him. I think, yeah, like a peeping Tom. He's talking to her. No one's actually worried. Oh, don't mind him.

As he eats Uncrustables. It's just, you know. They't mind him. As he eats Uncrustables. They use ladders. Yeah, always. And then it falls and they're stuck up there. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, that's so funny.

Look at them look yeah they have no they have no technology to look they just put their hand over their eyebrow it's so non-threatening somehow that's why they named it peeping tom it's not stalker it's peeper yeah just peeper. Yeah, just peeping. Don't mind me. Just peeping. Yeah. That's a weeping willow. That's a good tree to peep from. Relax tree.

Oh, my God. Anything else, guys? It's just Nigel Tuna Cliff. That's all I had left. What? My girlfriend was on a call, like a work call, and the dude's name displayed was... Sorry to this guy. His name was Nigel Tuna Cliff.

And I'm like, you're on a call with a work call with Nigel Tuna Cliff? with a work call with Nigel Tuna. Tuna. A buffet of apologies to him. But I just couldn't get past that name. Did you walk past your girlfriend's computer? I got done with a hard day of work

on the golf course and I see that this is what you're doing for work? Talking to Nigel to do it you walk past your screen do you like stop in your track he was it was like displayed proudly like Nigel tunic Is that a Mazda? It's a Mazda. It's the funniest name in the world.

Nigel Tunicliff. Nigel isolated is like, that's kind of a ridiculous. You can't. Nigel Tunicliff. Nigel Tunicliff. Did you like stop while she was in the meeting? Nigel Tununa Cliff? Oh my God. Oh, I just logged 10 hours at work and you're talking to me.

Damn. That's all I had. Yeah, that's all. I had Nigel Tuna Cliff and now I'm thinking of it. Did you end up doing well in golf? Yeah, I'm doing well. I'm in third right now. Oh, you're still in it. I had a'm doing well. I'm in third right now.

Oh, you're still in it. I had a good round yesterday. I was one of the worst. Me and Mook. Yeah. I narrowed it down to I can't do any standstill sport or activity. Yeah. I need to move.

Yeah. It was a lot of waiting. I get shaky. I can't stand still. Can't stay still. I get shaky. I can't stand still. I can't stay still. I hear you on that. It's time to do it for six more hours. Boy, this was fun, guys.

I enjoyed this. I liked it a lot. Thank you, Francis. I like you. You're in Detroit this weekend? Yes, well said, Mook. I will be at... That was well said at all. Mark, you're in Detroit this weekend. What was said, Mook. I will be at... That wasn't well said at all. Mark, what do you think?

That was such a condescending compliment. What was that? Mook, you're on fire. I meant like good reminder. Mooksheen. Oh, don't let him cook. Oh, wow. I meant well added

good reminder. I wouldn't have remembered to say that. So I was pleased that you had done that. I meant Mark Ridley's Comedy Castle, swear to God, in Royal Oak, Michigan, near Detroit, this weekend, Friday, Saturday. And then I will be at the Columbus Funny Bone on Sunday. And then Detroit two weekends after that.

Enjoy Columbus. There he is. Yeah, then Detroit two weekends after that. Enjoy Columbus. There he is. Yeah, hope to see you guys there. Hell yeah. People have been saying the kindest, the best of words about you. Oh, that's very sweet. I appreciate that.

Yeah, I'm having fun. There we go. Cool. Thanks, guys. God bless.