A New Untold Story - Gifts for Helen - A New Untold Story: Ep. 400

Episode Date: June 14, 2024

three wise men go back in time and... Ads: Gametime - Download the Gametime app or go to https://gametime.co, enter your email, and redeem code UNTOLD for $20 off your first purchase (terms apply). ... Factor - Head to https://FACTORMEALS.com/kb50 and use code kb50 to get 50% off your first box plus 20% off your next month. Keeps - Thanks to Keeps for sponsoring this podcast! Hair loss stops with Keeps. For a special offer to get started, go to https://www.keeps.com/untold. Results may vary. Not offered in every state. Medications prescribed only if clinically appropriate, consultation required. Fitbod - Get 25% off your subscription or try the app FREE at https://Fitbod.me/ANUS.You can find every episode of this show on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or YouTube. Prime Members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. For more, visit barstool.link/anuspodcast

Transcript
Discussion (0)
Starting point is 00:00:00 Hey, a new untold story listeners, you can find every episode on Apple Podcast, Spotify or YouTube. Prime members can listen to ad free on Amazon Music. And we're good to go with clap. You mean you're going to reply to what I'm going to say? No, you're just going to say, no, that's a new untold story. Yeah. Hey, is that story over told? No, baby. It's a new untold story.
Starting point is 00:00:45 A new untold story. I Know it's old story episode To 400 nah 400 holy shit. Yes Yes, that's a big milestone man congrats to you congrats to all of us mm-hmm 400 facts I found one you found one. One 400 fact and it sucks. It's Wookiees, which is- Wookiees. The Star Wars thing? Wookiees with two E's which sucks
Starting point is 00:01:13 and they're from Kashyyyk with three Y's which sucks. They have a lifespan of 400 years. Cool. It's a fantasy series. This is like a fact that was revealed after the fact. And all the fans are like oh wow Oh, that means Chewbacca is like Han Solo must be like third dog Wow
Starting point is 00:01:35 Yeah, you ever see the picture every double o word you go is ooh. Yeah, yeah, you ever seen Chewbacca without fur No, it's horrifying. Yeah, I don. Yeah. Is it just a naked man? Fantasy series. George Lucas could have said Wookie's lived to 800 years. Have you ever seen how infinity years he could say Ewoks taste like salami? He could say Jabba the Hutt was a sneaker head like that. It's a fan. Like you can make up facts.
Starting point is 00:02:03 It's a fantasy. It was actually just so it's not relevant, like you can make up facts. It's a fantasy series. It was actually just discovered. So if it's not relevant to the plot in the series, then it doesn't matter. People were up in arms, it was just discovered that Leia used the force to choke out Jabba. It wasn't just like her natural strength, which was pretty crazy.
Starting point is 00:02:17 It's like J.K. Rowling said like, oh, Dumbledore was gay. Yeah. But that, she could have said anything. Yes. And it wasn't't just the it wasn't the actor of Dumbledore gay as well I Don't know. I don't know like a tree beard only fucked gymnasts Kudos to you for professor oak went to fat boy slim. I don't know why you're having this like angry tone This is all good idea. This is the point of this is you can't a fantasy is war you can do that's the joy of it, but they treat it as fact Like it is fact writers who did a job. They ran and they wrote the series and that's it. There's nothing more There's deeper lore and it becomes it wasn't actually an ever-changing world
Starting point is 00:03:00 You know it built did you not think yourself Wow when you found out? Wookiees could live to be 400? Like, wow, that's impressive. No. And now you're expanding the lore. Like, now I can't stop thinking about Jabba the Hutt on sneaker shopping with Joe La Buma. Yeah, that'll be awesome.
Starting point is 00:03:14 Qui-Gon Jinn, hate it, true detective. Yeah, well, it's a fantasy series. Like, you can wake up any day and just say that. But the- Master Chief had flat feet Okay, yeah Yeah, and people get excited man, and I know I know Did you see how Chewbacca died his in the comics? No, it took a whole planet to fall on him So sick, that's tough. Yeah, Kyle
Starting point is 00:03:42 You could have said 10 planets fell on him. Oh, wow. That is insane. It's fantasy. Even like fiction, like I'll go to the soprano subreddit and people were like, how many hours of sleep do you think Tony got?
Starting point is 00:03:58 Just enjoy something, man. Oh, yes. Enjoy what was created. You don't want to speculate about fake things. You don't want to go any deeper. created you don't like speculate about fake things You don't want to go any deeper, but you don't want to learn like you're getting more like you're deifying the authors and writers You're acting they are they created a universe. That's what it did it does They that's what a fucking deity does you stay should be deified. They're not they're not deities They are they who wrote a story. Deities create worlds. I created new Plattson.
Starting point is 00:04:27 You don't be, oh, there's a building in Fountain Park that there's a skyscraper that goes up to the stratosphere. It's tallest in the world. That's amazing, man. That's cool. People like that. People like that. People like details. You just want everything as, you want, you wouldn't want to know about like Walter White if he had a peanut allergy?
Starting point is 00:04:47 No. You're being kind of closeted about it. Like you love this shit. This is the type of shit you love. Yeah, you created New Platson, yes. You're a deity. Yeah. But if I wrote a, if I published an atlas on New Platson,
Starting point is 00:05:01 I wouldn't go back later and be like, well actually. But why not? That's your work Because it's done, the work is done It's like, yeah But like you have that world built and that's the hardest part Don't you want to add to it? It's lush, it's Oh, yes I do I get it, I get it
Starting point is 00:05:19 I just needed it talked out I thought you guys were going to agree with me but you didn't and I see your points Alright cool, you just see a little talk down all right The two guys like your rant on Shaq you asked to be removed a last episode Yes, you text mook after the fact you went on this long rant on Shaq You said pretty much the n-word a bunch of times that episode you asked for mook to take out The Shaq rant I was high That was paranoid only I'm gonna get flack for talking shit on shack.
Starting point is 00:05:47 Cause I originally texted you at like 6pm. The fact that you texted me meant you thought it should be taken out. No, it was like more or less like, I didn't know, we were chopping and screwing the episode altogether. And then two hours later, you must've hit the Stizzy and you were like, ah, let's just screw.
Starting point is 00:06:02 I can't have that shack rant take away from all those near N words. Yeah. Yeah. To celebrate 400, I have some news. Let's go. Nice. 9-11 responders exposed to more toxins
Starting point is 00:06:18 show higher incidence of dementia. I thought you were supposed to never forget. That's good. I thought you were supposed to never forget Baltimore channel fully open after bridge collapse Baltimore channel isn't that just BET Microplastics are found in every human semen sample in a new study that explains why Rudy's breath always smells like Legos Yeah, I won't even read that story Stupid shut up Mm-hmm 80 year old oh
Starting point is 00:06:58 80 year old Barry Manilow says he will truly feel old when he turns 81 81 turns Barry He will truly feel old when he turns 81 8 1 turns berry Wait a goddamn second Are we talking about the Copa Cabana singer or the incident in the Wonka chocolate factory? Turning a girl into a big blueberry and then I Was I couldn't think of one for this which is what is that the most shocking headline of all time paper?
Starting point is 00:07:27 Yeah, yeah, okay the far right one Pope is said to have Pope is said to have used anti-gay slur another time. Another time! Pope said it at least twice! Yeah, we missed the bigger headline. Which is what?
Starting point is 00:07:59 That he said it once. Yeah, right! That went under the radar. It makes international news the second time. I guess Pope gets it once. Yeah, right that went under the radar it makes it makes International news the second time I guess pope gets it once What is that? Oh, he's Italian yes Is that the word is it say the word in there the word is one of the authors of the New York Times crossword? really The Italian slur is the Italian you know who I'm talking about?
Starting point is 00:08:25 I do not. But wait, the editor for the crossword. Joel Fagliano. He is the best at it. Yeah, yeah, he is. He's good at editing crosswords. Let me see that, I wanna see that. You wanna see the paper?
Starting point is 00:08:38 Yeah. Yeah, a second time. But I couldn't think of a joke for that, but I think the pope is allowed. Yeah. Yeah. But I couldn't think of a joke for that, but I think the Pope is allowed. Yeah. Yeah. 100%. He's like gay adjacent. He lives his life gayishly. Mm-hmm.
Starting point is 00:08:53 In gowns and like extravagance. He is like a... Doesn't fuck girls. He's a mobile... Sips wine. He only... Yeah. He's a mobile... Unread bread. Can't eat too much.
Starting point is 00:09:04 Can't... Oh, I don't want to... Only a little bread. No. Yeah, Pope's a mobile like yeah bread Kenny too much. Yeah, I don't only a little bread Yeah, Pope's gay. Yes. Yeah, Pope can say obviously yeah, Pope is obviously very gay Because he's using that he gets the pass he only listens to a Carly Rae Jepsen in the mobile mm-hmm Yeah dude mobile. Yeah. Dude, kind of in the same vein of religion, you looked so Jewish yesterday. Yes. Looking at comments they were like he couldn't have
Starting point is 00:09:37 looked more Jewish. He could have had the curls. We're supposed to look like the Blues Brothers and I lost my tie and hat. I looked so Jewish. Your hat somehow got flattened, because it was a curved up cool fedora, like a gentleman, and yours got flattened. You look astoundingly- It's insane.
Starting point is 00:09:54 This is like, this is damn near propaganda. Uh-huh, I look like I studied Yiddish at Juilliard. Yeah, yeah. Somehow your face is like giving, is like... The face, the nose, everything. It's a hard time, but we're persevering. How are you so Jewish? The brow lines, the eyebrows.
Starting point is 00:10:15 It's the emotion you're giving too. It's incredible. Do you know the TikTok daddy? He has the overwhelmingly Jewish son, YoJS. Yes, you put me on to him. You are more Jewish has the overwhelmingly Jewish son, the OJS. You put me onto him. You are more Jewish than the overwhelmingly Jewish son. I look like an Ashkenazi Jew.
Starting point is 00:10:33 You look like I got a gold medal at the Maccabi Games in like metal detecting. We walked in to that barber, we were in a South Side barber shop where Obama got his haircut Yeah, and Kyle walks in with like a camera and they must have thought like it was like a live gotcha show about getting audited or something And I got this was actually this was a surreal moment in my life I got
Starting point is 00:11:05 Profile you got I was a surreal moment in my life. I got Profile you got we got I was a victim of In front of a baskin robbins in the south side really yes. Yeah, this guy will local He may have been homeless. I don't think he had a duffel bag and he was laying in dust He assumed we were Jewish. Yeah, and he was just like you're all your Move your your your here now get the fuck out And he was laying in does he assume we were Jewish yeah, and he was just like you're all your turn Move your your your here now get the fuck out uh-huh. Yeah, it was actually scary. It was what'd you say? He gave you the finger. I smile. I smiled at which was bold And he like
Starting point is 00:11:48 Gave me the finger, and it was cutting and hurt. I haven't gotten an actual genuine. It doesn't in my life I've never got an angry finger like a finger at your manhood like a passerby in a car doesn't count That was the first time I've had that happen Yeah, it made it made you really feel for it was a nice little experiment. Yeah, I want it to be like no wait No, I'm not but also Fuck you Fucked up. Yeah, I cannot stop looking even like Corey who's standing behind us His body gives you like that the curl on the side of your head you look yeah, there's never been more JK Rowling would name you what oh?
Starting point is 00:12:21 Boy, will you be a goblin for optic fountain coin? The optic clan who I have who I now know about because MOOC You look identical the other guys not identical, but a little bit of like optic scump Not identical, but a little bit of like optic scump Yes, who is the best Call of Duty player in the world and he's having his bachelor party right now well, what's going on and all the other optic boys found mooc's photos and are just like Are that they're making fun of they're making fun of somebody else by using you they called you optic plump They were calling me optic plump T-moose scump yeah
Starting point is 00:13:02 They were calling me optic plump. Yeah T-Mu scump yeah Optic meth bump, okay Yeah, it was it was bad and all the optical all the like clowning you there like you know They're sharing your pictures in their group chat just dying Yeah, yeah like optic fire cyst and optic undies were like being like this is the scum mom says is at home The biggest that's the worst picture of, though. I love that picture. Yeah, I know I look terrible, but that is like in the moment, candid, I just all of my money at 11 and it's eight in the morning.
Starting point is 00:13:34 I like a Renaissance painting almost a little bit. I look like you blacked out in a laundry machine for like 12 hours. I got rescued Kyle explain laundry machine You mean dry he's too wet to be from a dryer and too dry to be from a wash So it has to just be from a laundry all-encompassing hybrid laundry. Yeah should exist that does But they it sucks because you can't do two loads at once. Okay.
Starting point is 00:14:06 Good in theory. Yeah, the boys are just, boys, what's a cool thing. So Nadeshot put you on his story. Yeah, so I think the whole OptiCrew is on Scum's bachelor party and somehow, I wanna know how they found the pictures. Like, who sent them these pictures? Did you post them?
Starting point is 00:14:21 I posted them, but like months ago, three months ago. Oh. And now they're just using them as pictures. Did you post them? I posted them but like months ago, three months ago. Oh. And now they're just using them as a meme. So I'm a Call of Duty streamer meme now. Yeah, but like an inside joke meme. It's just with the boys. It's pretty cool. It's going viral on Twitter. Also, being the best Call of Duty player in the world is probably the coolest thing. It's not cool, but it's the most impressive thing. What? 100 million people play Call of Duty actively. Yeah, so there has to be a best. It's like every boy has played.
Starting point is 00:14:52 There has to be a best of every, that guy's getting married? He's the best in the world at Call of Duty. 100 million people play it. 5.6 million people play tackle football. Oh, this dude, sk scum dude way to go bud we go don't we mean way to go we could pull ginger's can pull I know okay no I've seen I've seen what you've pulled you Just because of the you're not strong enough
Starting point is 00:15:32 It was like he was willing to tune it to put one of those vests You were holding my hips. Oh, yeah, you just spot her the line breaks nine times out of ten when you pull that's okay I agree with you though Kyle these guys are like athletes I think I'm saying being the best in the world it's something that a hundred million people do on a like a near daily basis that they're addicted to is insane yeah he's retired though no way mm-hmm well he still plays Call of Duty but not competitive what's like his net worth did he really get money from that? Oh? Yeah, I think he's pretty rich. I don't know though Yeah, he's made 200 million. He's paid to yeah billion dollars pretty impressive scump Yeah, 4 million. I was gonna guess more I
Starting point is 00:16:19 Think like it's the streamers if you just have a big stream following you make a hundred million Yeah, a hundred million hundred million no way I think if you're the best in the world at something anything you should at least get a million a year I agree with that like even if you're like the best sewer in the world You should get a hundred you should get million one of the best pogo stick guys follows anus on Instagram And I want to get him on the show game time Logo stick guys follow Xanis on Instagram and I wanna get him on the show. Game time. Got caught in my throat, but I liked it in there.
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Starting point is 00:17:37 Create an account and use code untold for $20 off your first purchase terms do apply download the game time app today Last minutes tickets lowest price is guaranteed Kyle You're shredded ripped and swole So yeah, I'm gonna one could have went on yeah. Yeah, I'm gonna let you handle the factor ad mm-hmm Get on it Factor has a lineup of dozens and dozens of different meals. I've tasted like 12 of
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Starting point is 00:19:48 You, would say, some shit like that no it bounced way too high my parents went overboard they Didn't give me the beginner have you seen like the crazy crazy what pro level What yeah i had the pro level pogo those actually are scary yeah they go like fit like 10 feet in the air Yeah, like, my they they spent way too much on a pogo stick that I I said it In passing that I wanted, but that was my big gift one year mm-hmm too big of a pogo What are you gonna do? I? Love I love the gotcha audit. Oh pull back up Jewish Kyle Gotcha you you do overdraft fees.
Starting point is 00:20:25 Oh my god. You, this is like... What is it? What makes you so Jewish? Dude, it's not just the outfit, because I look at you now, I think it's you in glasses. Glasses, it accentuates the nose. Intern Luke, you're a chosen one, right? A little half.
Starting point is 00:20:47 You're half? Goldfinger, are you? Yeah. You're Jewish? Yeah, how do we not connect those? Goldfinger. Goldfinger's Jewish? What the fuck?
Starting point is 00:21:01 What makes him so Jewish, Goldfinger? What makes it? I think it's the glasses. It's the glasses. He looks like a rabbi I know in Tucson. he looks like a rabbi you know, what's rabbi's name? Eisen yes. Yeah, you do look like rabbi Eisen It's amazing how you can go to that to cars playing as a country boy Yeah, yeah, you guys are both wearing country But you went like that the the disrespect to wear that, and we were in Kanye's neighborhood
Starting point is 00:21:28 that he grew up in. Dude, you guys... So while I was getting profiled and scared to death, he had a duffel bag, by the way, on his shoulder. You and Donny were recreating Michelle and Barack's first kiss. Yes. So I was like, we gotta get out of here.
Starting point is 00:21:44 Yeah, I guess you're right. This guy has nothing to lose, I don't know. Yeah, he saw two gay Jewish men kissing. We were sitting on the rock, Michelle and Barry kissed at. And it was a boulder that Michelle brought with her on her shoulder and plopped it down in front of this Baskin Robbins. And then there's just a plaque in the ground of what Barry said after the kiss He said her lips tasted like chocolate and so Donnie had Donnie had a chocolate ice cream and
Starting point is 00:22:15 What he said that yeah, he's smooth as fuck in his book in the sense that they were just eating chocolate ice cream Okay, not in the sense that I didn't see anything Yeah, and then we was right around the corner from where Obama got his haircut You get the Obama cut there mm-hmm a buzz cut. It's the Obama cut, and it's five more dollars than a haircut But they have his haircut chair in like a glass case Yeah That's that's that's power. Yeah, that's power Three on the sides just trim the top do whatever with the top not picky. That's that's that's power. Yeah, that's power Three on the sides just trim the top do whatever with the top not picky. That's me Are you Jewish now, dude?
Starting point is 00:22:52 Three on the sides trim the top, but I'm not picky you know any length And it's but are you pick a different result every time so you've been saying that you want us to give you some sort of Bet where like if you lose it and like you want to intentionally lose it You want to get a cool haircut? Yes? It's like Rudy doing his frosted tips bet been down that road Yeah, you wanted frosted tips. You're like oh my god Would I do it as a debate embarrassing bad if I got frosted tips to be fair? I thought I would look stupid. Sorry you looks like dumb you look dumb. It looks cool. You look dumb normally. Yeah, yeah true So Kyle what haircut do you want?
Starting point is 00:23:27 um I want you to get like the oasis lead singer like Shaggy Bowl not a Gallagher no I Think you'd look fucking oh boy his hair looks so heavy it does. I think grow it out a little bit It doesn't look good. Yeah, I want that dude. Oh that looks horrible. I think, grow it out a little bit. It doesn't look good. Yeah, I want that, dude. No, that looks horrible. I think you could pull it off. No.
Starting point is 00:23:53 No. All right, pull back up Jewish Kyle again. No. Please. No. No. Please. No.
Starting point is 00:24:01 It's just such a good photo. I used to always get asked if I was Jewish by Jewish people in New York City But I thought that was just what they did I did once but not mine was like five times Okay, Rudy. Did you ever get it? No because I think I look a little Jewish there A little bit yeah you just my god you look like a college student who is like doing some sort of thesis paper on a college student who is like doing some sort of thesis paper on religious cultures and you're visiting any religious guy like I look like any door to door like a Mormon I could be I could be I'm like a fluid I'm religion fluid For as pictures gold, baby. I love it
Starting point is 00:24:58 Just tweet that it's my least favorite thing when like social media managers like tweet out caption this with a picture because that's your fucking job But move it out caption this close up yeah on it oh my god hahahaha the eyes it's the demeanor
Starting point is 00:25:16 i know i'm a good actor we were supposed to be blues brothers i know but i knew what i was doing i think ron called you guys the Jews brothers. We were trying to think of a parody all day, and that was right in our face. The Jews brother, yeah.
Starting point is 00:25:30 Couldn't think of anything. Um... Um... Happy birthday to Adriana Lima. Oh, wow. 43. Okay. Biggest of birthdays to her?
Starting point is 00:25:44 She's dated Justin Bieber. I didn't know that. What a gauge gap Lenny Kravitz. Nice Julian Edelman nice the Prince of Leech and Stein Ryan Seacrest that's You can't be a supermodel and date Ryan Seacrest. Why it's like being a landscaper and moving to Tatooine. Or a moisture farmer. Yeah, but why? I don't know. He's just don't, yeah. He's a good-looking guy. He's... Oh. Happy birthday to another angel. Oh no, she would be 95 and Frank Wow Mm-hmm an ain't not a victorious secret angel, but an angel who had a secret Yeah, I'm sure and Frank's birthday is like a Jewish holiday.
Starting point is 00:26:46 You think so? You would think, right? Why? It's a tragic tale. Speaking of something that's close to a Jew holiday, happy birthday to Drew holiday with a J, 34. Happy 34th to Drew. And I also, Anne Frank can be traced to Frank Fleming in a very short amount of time.
Starting point is 00:27:09 What? Three people in between. There's there's three levels of separation between Frank Fleming and like direct separation. Like, oh, they were in a photo together. Direct separation. Relatives or co-stars. Tell me. And Frank's cousin, Buddy Elias, was a Swiss actor who starred in The Monuments Men with Matt Damon. Matt Damon was interviewed by Scott Van Pelt in 2009 on ESPN radio.
Starting point is 00:27:32 Scott Van Pelt interviewed by Frank Fleming. Wow, three levels of separation. So that gives us four from Anne Frank. There were four, yeah. Holy shit, that's pretty cool. I don't know, am I the only one that experiences this? I often times confuse or lump to be the same person Anne Frank and Helen Keller. I do that constantly. You guys do it?
Starting point is 00:27:54 Like, they're like, who they are? I picture them, I think I picture Helen Keller as Anne Frank's face and like they're both quiet. I don't know. I don't picture Helen Keller Keller as a I don't know what she looks like neither does she yeah What's like about fantasy writing yeah, you can make Helen Keller anything you want she was a drawn a Lima in her mind but I think yeah, I That's Helen Keller Helen Keller looks like Hillary Hillary Clinton Helen Keller looks just like Hillary Clinton But she's smiling cuz like she knows something
Starting point is 00:28:32 She she doesn't know jack shit. She's know anything she has quotes attributed to her. Yeah, right paragraph long quote Those should be empty quotation marks. What was she doing sounds like a percussion drum I think it was the teacher that was trying to get famous And she was like look I taught her she I swear She's always fucking yapping. There's way too many quotes here Yeah, this is way too many quotes for a blind and deaf person. We won't go back up. What was that one? We can do anything go down a little Wait, go back up, what was that one? We can do anything, go down a little.
Starting point is 00:29:06 Just a wee bit, right, a little bit more, little more, little more. We can do anything we want if we stick it to it long enough. I can think of a few things she can't do. Two off the top of my head. How could she even learn the word anything? How could she learn any of these words? A lot of people I think are woke to this,
Starting point is 00:29:24 that she was None of this so the teacher Taught her sign language by like putting her hands in the formation of the sign for water and then dipping her hand in water That would just scare I would Scream she because I'll be a jump scare every time That would take so long. Yeah, I don't have the patience. I don't have the patience for that at all.
Starting point is 00:29:51 Yeah. This woman had so much time on her hands that taught her. Who was she? I don't know. Um, this is like some three names woman. Was it Sullivan? Yes, Jenny Sullivan. Not only Jenny. No, Kaitlyn Sullivan.
Starting point is 00:30:02 Anne. Anne Sullivan. She looks like Hillary Clinton. She's the same haircut as you, Nick. She does, and you too, after you saw me get it. Oh, I got it. She looks way more like you than me. No, well, yeah, fuck. You do look like Anne Sullivan.
Starting point is 00:30:19 You do. I think I have that necklace. Fuck. We look like Anne Sullivan. Oh my God, she went blind. What, from like a contact? Hi? Yeah? Oh? My god, it's contagious You got to stay away from Helen and wear a mask around Helen Keller
Starting point is 00:30:38 Sunglasses and Sullivan went blind yeah, so were there tutor sessions they were just like wrestling It was just hand battle. Yeah, what's it called hand fighting? She got trachoma. Oh god down that sewn shut. Yeah, I don't want to see a We don't want to see a she got chlamydia. Yeah, she contracted trachoma and eye disease at the age of five You get from chlamydia. Oh yikes so Rudy very common very common Very common if only she had some amoxic she would pool in Williamsburg. Oh Yeah, especially with like the whole sob story with Helen. Oh, yeah, she would get so much free ketamine You think it was the Himalayas is there any video footage?
Starting point is 00:31:23 Is there any video footage? Is there any video footage of Helen Keller? Does Helen Keller have a book? I want to see- don't even- don't- I want to see a YouTube video that's Helen Keller POV That you just- This is gonna be a joke. Is the Helen Keller channel? Yeah, what is she- what could she, is that her? She looks exactly like Hillary Clinton. She's reading Braille. Nah.
Starting point is 00:31:50 Why are you wearing pearls? Why are you wearing jewelry? Why do you care about your haircut? I don't care. Alright. I don't care. All right. We're happy to interrupt the program to help you boys Keep your hair and crucial crucial crucial crucial mm-hmm and What's the best way to keep your hair? There's only one way it's not the best way there's one way in its finasteride
Starting point is 00:32:20 Yeah, keeps via keeps and I'm an oxidil whatever it is that it's keeps you use keeps and It will stop hair loss. It's all about the confidence It's all about the confidence and that starts with the hair You can help your reclaim your identity Balding boys and if your hair has always been a part of who you are and something you want to keep around keeps can help You you should be the one to decide to decide hair or no hair. It shouldn't be a flip of the coin. It shouldn't be because of your grandfather on your mother's side thinned out.
Starting point is 00:32:49 It's your choice. Oh, I'm afraid to take a pill. I've been taking it for six years. I have no side effects. None. No side effects. And your hair looks great. Me and Kyle took matters into our own hands.
Starting point is 00:33:03 We did it. Thick. Yeah, and that's your experience and you guys both And your hair looks great. Me and Kyle took matters into our own hands. We did it. Thick. Yeah, and that's your experience and you guys both have your hair. Yes. What a look undeniably. It's FDA approved hair loss treatments as well as a two-in-one treatment that combines both treatments. It's fantastic. It's easy to use. You know every day regrow your hair, maintain your hairline, help cover your bald spots. Keeps does it all, no matter what your hair issue is. Thanks to Keeps for sponsoring the podcast. Hair loss stops with Keeps. For a special offer to get started, go to keeps.com slash untold.
Starting point is 00:33:32 That's K-E-E-P-S dot com slash untold. Results may vary, not offered in every state. Medications prescribed. Only if clinically appropriate consultation is required. That's a good thing. Mm-hmm. Kyle, this next one's an app. FitBod. It's called FitBod. That's a portmanteau for fitness body. Yeah, that's right. Or just fit body.
Starting point is 00:33:51 So whether you're a seasoned gym goer or just starting your fitness journey or you're thinking about starting it in the near future, the essential... The essential your workout really needs is FitBod. Oh, yeah, okay. The essential is the noun, yeah. It's a fitness app that customizes each workout based on your goals and adapts them as you improve. You could share your workout routine, see others, and it will show you.
Starting point is 00:34:22 Imagine if one small tweak could change everything. You're trying to get that, everybody has the line in between their stomach, but you want the. So a lot of people wanna follow other people's routines. Well, that's not personalized to them. You have to do a routine that's personalized to your strengths, to your interests. FitBot creates a personalized workout routine
Starting point is 00:34:44 based on your goals fitness level and the available Equipment you have imagine the feeling it would feel I can't imagine But I want it and I'm gonna get it through fit bod of going somewhere when it's nice out like a pool party or a barbecue And people start jumping in the pool. It's a nightmare. It's a nightmare because it's like okay I'm gonna have to take my shirt off Yeah And then you take your shirt off you jump in immediately And then you have to do that fucking little crab walk in the shallow ends and nobody sees your torso
Starting point is 00:35:09 Yep water to shoulders. Yep. Yep always water to shoulders and With it bod you know you could change that anxiety you can you can get rid of it And it would help and you finally reveal your new body and nobody cares Nobody will bat an eye if you do it for yourself or you tell yourself you do it for yourself and your mental health. So yeah, FitBot tracks your muscle recovery so you can avoid burnout and keep up your momentum. Fine-tuned by experienced certified personal trainers to bring best practices and exercise science to you. Yeah, so get 25% off your subscription or try the app free at
Starting point is 00:35:47 fitbot.me that's fitbot.me slash anus fitbot.me slash anus. I kind of do. Like if that's not a hoax, which I don't think it is, like that's the most impressive feat of enduring anything ever. Yes. So scumper Helen Keller. What would you do if you were blind and deaf? Honest to God, I would kill myself. Yeah, but what, but like if you had to, if you wanted to like enjoy life to any extent.
Starting point is 00:36:20 Beat off. Beat off, yeah. Oh, it would be all, yeah. Yeah. But she didn't even have a dick to beat. That's the biggest tragedy. Did Helen Keller have a dildo? Look that up, and I hope to God she had some good ones.
Starting point is 00:36:35 Or did she have sex? If Anne Sullivan or any of Helen's relatives didn't get her a dildo, they are the worst family members of all time. That's like, that is the utmost pleasure in life, and that's the one thing she can oh she had a song Sex drive and her mother taught her to be ashamed of it. Oh My god, that's fucked up. Oh My god nobody got hella dildo
Starting point is 00:37:02 So Kyle if you could go back in time and do one thing. Yeah, it would be. What would it be? Gift Helen Keller a dildo. Actually, it would be us three, like the three wise men. Vibrator, dildo, lube. You're the lube guy. Yeah, I see that image of us stepping out of a time machine as the three wise men to bring Helen Keller of Vibrate.
Starting point is 00:37:35 Vibrator, Dildo, and Lube. We put them in gift boxes, we put them in the room and we're like, no, to the right, to the right, warmer, warmer. Oh, she can't hear us. She'll be so thankful. Oh my god. That's the first thing any good man would do.
Starting point is 00:37:55 I can't help them. Ladies, if you're listening, ask your man what they do with a time machine. If that's not their answer. They ain't for you. They ain't for you. Helen never had a dildo. Her orgasm bones have to be crazy.
Starting point is 00:38:08 She could be behind a locked door and you probably would be none the wiser. Like what's going on there? Yeah, Helen is fucking chatty. Oh yeah, they can feel harder. Oh yeah. Yeah. It's like all of her other scent. Like she might smell well too. Oh, Helen Keller was probably great. What's the most pleasure you can get from the sense of smell? I think the grape scratch and sniff sticker. Remember those?
Starting point is 00:38:31 Mm-hmm. I had a pog that was great. I was thinking like bakery. Yeah, she should have been fucking beating it out of the bakery every day. She should have been. Out of coffee. She should have been dildoing herself silly.
Starting point is 00:38:43 Out of bakery. Yeah, around croissants. have been at a coffee should have been dildoing herself silly at a bakery yeah around croissants mm-hmm all right so yeah okay so instead of lube because I'm sure she's strong sexual desire she doesn't need it I will bring her a box of warm croissants okay for her smell yeah what else she can she do what's the fifth one feel taste? taste oh Yeah, what's the best tasting thing? To me it's like a good cookie Cool Yeah, you do like good cookies. That's crazy. I think that's the best like the most
Starting point is 00:39:26 The most pleasure I've ever gotten from food is a good cookie. Really? Not like a good- I like a steak. A good steak, I would say. Yeah. I think a sweet- But like, Helen Keller had cookies. For sure. It would have to be something modern. Like a Coke Icy, and she would flip.
Starting point is 00:39:42 Or give her Dippin' Dots. Go back in time, yeah. Dippin' and dots a coke. I see a slush puppy Are you saying coke icy? I like there's like so many dessert esque treats better than a cup Those all existed during her time. Okay, so if we could go back in time and gift her with like a really really fast vibrating dill Like a crazy, crazy. Like a Sonicare. Yeah, like a Sonicare toothbrush dildo. Yeah, the wand that looks like like a electricity node.
Starting point is 00:40:14 Yeah, a hibachi. Yes. No. Wait, no. Hitachi. Yeah, I don't know what it's called. It's a Hitachi wand, but it's not made for actual female masturbation. Oh, it's for your asibian. Yeah Yeah, lug a sibian into where's Helen Keller? We're doing Howard Stern Oh, yes, where that he had to have been the reason those were successful. Mm-hmm. Where's she from?
Starting point is 00:40:39 Where is she from? Toledo, Alabama, so she have a southern deaf accent. Wow. She has a book, Story of My Life. Impressive. Look at her signature. What, it's good. It is, but it's, she didn't do that.
Starting point is 00:41:02 She didn't fucking do that. Those are the straightest lines. That's a font. That is, it's a cool didn't do that. She didn't fucking do that. Those are the straightest lines That's a font that is a cool font that is We should that's one of those e signatures It's a docu sign signature You were we were just asked on tick she was a lecturer boy come on Right there, occupation, lecturer. Oh man, what?
Starting point is 00:41:30 We were just asked for a TikTok, like, if you could go back and kill anyone other than Hitler, who would it be? And you said... Hitler's pregnant mom. Hitler's mom while she's pregnant. Maybe. It's iffy. Oh, Hitler's mom while she's pregnant Maybe It's iffy Yeah, I guess killing a pregnant woman would be tough you right, but knowing what's inside. That's actually a great answer Yeah, yeah, it's like if there was a landmine inside of a nesting doll you still defuse it any way you can It's a parent said problem. It's a
Starting point is 00:42:06 Ethical the law who did you say you'd kill? I couldn't, Herman Mudgett. Who's that? H.H. Holmes, the only thing on my mind. Is he a murderer? Yeah. The world's fair murderer? Yeah.
Starting point is 00:42:18 I looked, oh shit. He's not. Nevermind. Is that the guy that built secret secret tunnels in a hotel I built Crazy like labyrinthine wait is that a playing card is there a murderer playing card mm-hmm? Age at first kill 27. Oh, this is a horrible site. I don't like that The world's first that was that wasn't in Chicago. Yeah impossibly grand
Starting point is 00:42:50 How so The magnitude the size 27 million people gathered is that the largest gathering? That was people was almost half of the whole country's population and they all went to the one one site How the fuck did they get here zeppelin? It was in the late 1800s. Were planes reliable and safe? Didn't they have? No. What would they have? I don't know what a train.
Starting point is 00:43:15 That was right before the car. They just took trains in. Yeah, trains. You wanna know a crazy thing I learned about Zeppelin's? Wait, it was before the car and I asked if planes were reliable? Ah, shit. Yeah, it's all right.
Starting point is 00:43:24 Do you know something crazy about zeppelin's the Empire State Building has a docking hook on the top of it because they were planning they thought that Zeppelin's and blimps were gonna be the thing they should be and they there's like they never did it But there's pictures of it imagine seeing a zeppelin docked on the Empire so fucking awesome has one ever dawn talked no never never it's an unused hook mm-hmm still there Damn yeah, god damn. I've been in a blimp what? There's only six in the world right now. There's a very small man. It's like us It's a small amount. It's like 13. What were you doing in the blue never mind. It was a hot air balloon What were you doing in a hot air balloon they came to our campus at
Starting point is 00:44:06 college they they come I don't know they do not move like locust yeah they move yeah and you went up in one yeah it was scary as fuck you're in a wicker basket people do that it's a balloon attached to a wicker basket controlled by fire that's the weirdest mode it's you're in a it's a wicker basket controlled by fire. That's the weirdest mode of transportation. It's a wicker, it's more of a ride than transportation. It is a ride. Has anybody been like, alright I'm running to the store and then whoo? No. That's not a point A to point B device.
Starting point is 00:44:36 Do you know, we're doing Fun Facts, do you know, did you know that a week before 9-eleven or maybe two Someone crashed into the hang glider crashed into the Statue of Liberty Really? I did know that. Were they trying to take it down? No, just accidental. I mean the worst Did the man die? No. What? He lived. I forget. Statue of Liberty sharp as all hell He got tangled in it that was a week before 9-eleven I Don't know how did he not know made that up
Starting point is 00:45:14 Well hang jail for a week then deported. Oh, he's French Fucking there is an era where the French dudes were just doing weird Yeah, the the man on wire guy was French and I think the guy that climbed the New York and that's the most impressive feat of all time The French guy that shot a bow and arrow Yeah, what did he do shot a bow and arrow from one World Trade Center to the other and walked across? Not like a chicken wire or like a pole tight rope a rope a tight a tight ropes a metal Right aren't those metal? It's that in the Free Solo shit. That's the two most impressive.
Starting point is 00:45:48 All these people were suicidal though. That was a week before- oh, what device does he have on? It's a hang glider. The French- that's a giant fan on his back. Is that- what are those called? A giant fan. A back fan. Didn't the French gift us the Statue of Liberty? Oh, yeah, they did of course trying to take it back
Starting point is 00:46:08 That's a weird gift. Yeah Don't know if I'd want that thing. It's amazing. I think it's one of the best gifts ever But did they sneak it here was it a surprise gift? No, I mean, maybe they gave it to them in peace. I don't know yeah, that's not a good gift a dildo for Helen Is a damn good gift oh my god It'll be way easier to be deaf and blind as a guy What would you learn Braille Like what would your source of entertainment be?
Starting point is 00:46:45 But I don't if you're deaf and blind how do you learn anything I Don't know I Genuinely don't know but if it happened to you if there was like some sort of acid that you got in your ears and eyes What would be your hobby I Know what would you just make new Platts in better? I? Would think yeah, I would think hard. I would smoke. You would lift.
Starting point is 00:47:10 Oh, smoking would be horrifying, dude. Once I realized my imagination is better than anything I can consume, I was just like, all right, I'm gonna smoke and just think. I think you'd freak out. Because I've also read about what it's like to be blind. You don't see blackness. They say you don't see anything,
Starting point is 00:47:26 which I can't comprehend. I think they just see a big blur. You think they actually see colors and stuff? I think they see some colors and it's not black. No, it's like somebody said, imagine what you would see, like what your elbow sees. That's what it's like to be blind.
Starting point is 00:47:41 What my elbow sees? Right, I can't comprehend it. Being blind is nothing like People without eyeballs don't see black they see nothing. What is that? I don't know I? Don't know Just seeing nothing look like I would suck Yes, so maybe...
Starting point is 00:48:06 Maybe I was lied to. Cannot see anything. But it's a misconception they only see darkness. The color black is not something they've seen before, so it doesn't accurately describe their experience. That blows my mind. It fucks me up big time.
Starting point is 00:48:22 But I never want to find out. No. Me neither. Of course there's a YouTube... It fucks me up big time. Yeah, but I never want to find out No Neither of course. There's a YouTube guy like me doesn't want to be blind What's it like seeing nothing when you're blind? I want to watch a YouTube short of a blind guy All right you fucking stoners out there. Mmm It's time to talk about 3G the product to risque to have on YouTube You guys are listening bad boys listening to it on the audio format, and that means we get to talk about
Starting point is 00:48:47 a little bit of... The Ear Boys. Delta, little delta. Delta, it's a drug, it's a good drug. Yeah. It makes you feel good, it makes you sleep good, makes you eat good, and it makes you laugh good. Hard.
Starting point is 00:49:03 Can make you learn good too. Took one of those gummies two nights ago. It's a piece of candy that improves everything. Yeah. Think of it like that. A sweet little sugary treat that tastes good and then improves everything. Everything you experience, feel, see, consume is better.
Starting point is 00:49:24 Yeah, this is Smithsonian battle, map by map. That'll take that to the next level. Oh yeah, you'll be in the battle of Thermopylae, defending against whoever. They have so many good options. Oh yeah, the Normans. Comfortably numb, full throttle, Nirvana, hammer of God. I got the Kyle Kush right here.
Starting point is 00:49:43 Kyle Kush, Kyle Petty, who swears by it himself. No kidding. Yep, so if you're ready to experience the next generation of cannabis, we're in it. It's not the future, it might feel like it. Head over to 3chi.com and find the exact experience you're looking for within their True Strains lineup. Trust me, I swear by it.
Starting point is 00:50:02 Go to 3chi.com, that's 3chi.com. Find your true strain today. We should do, I wish we did more stuff like the Statue of Liberty. I was actually working on a thing where it's like coming up with new ones, like the Colossus of Rhodes or the Pyramids. Amazing, yeah. We should build shit just to be,
Starting point is 00:50:22 if there's less. Yeah, what was the last thing we got? I don't know. I mean like the bass Pro Shop pyramid Yeah, but that's a building still I want something that's just like even 9-eleven was that the most recent like memorial that we have the most recent landmark built Yeah, we don't the you America doesn't build yeah They do I don't know did you see the big tear that they maybe like Denmark It was some country made for us to like honor 9-eleven victims to mourn and it's in their country It just looks like a wet pussy. No it looks like it looked like
Starting point is 00:50:56 Yeah, thank you. Yeah the tear dropped 9-eleven. It's in That's in Hudson, New Jersey. Yeah, there it is. You see it's in Hudson, New Jersey. I That's in Hudson, New Jersey. Yeah, there it is. Let me see. It's in Hudson, New Jersey. I Thought it was in Denmark, maybe they made it in Denmark. Yeah, it's hot That's unfortunate. Where is it there? There it is. It's in New Jersey, Russia. It was Russia's gift from Russia That might have been a slight to go as a big pussy Yeah, but yeah, I think I would like that kind of stuff again, yeah, I don't think it happens anymore No, it just doesn't like have you seen the like like sculptors Do they still how many sculptors are in the United States right now?
Starting point is 00:51:34 Probably a lot you think a lot. I think a million you think there's 1 million sculptors in the United States Yes, that's acid. There's so many substances and Mediums I would say there's under a thousand sculpt a professional sculptors in the United States now. You're saying professional Yes, I bet you semi pro pro and like high tier amateur. There's a million way a Million sculptor think of think of things you sculpt with how many sculptors have you met ice? Clay fuck I forgot about ice all old now. I don't think they're actually chiseling. I think a lot of people That's like a party trick
Starting point is 00:52:09 Sculpting no ice sculptures. That's a mold they poured into probably a mole and put in a freezer. That's that's a party trick Yeah, that's not like is it? Like there's there's your long party they take forever to do that to make an ice sculpture Oh, I guess maybe not. They'd probably have to do it fast. Yeah, real quick. Real fast. Oh, so fast. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:52:30 I knew one sculptor. I had this old hockey coach that would sculpt on the side. He's not a pro? Not a pro. But he made some cool stuff. Because statues don't come around very often. No. I'm still pissed about you thinking.
Starting point is 00:52:40 Uh-huh, in the back of the Uber yesterday? Well, that too. But you thinking that there are more people who drink coffee than use headphones. There are. There aren't. There aren't. Coffee is like the most accessible thing. What percentage of zero to 18 year olds drink coffee? Probably nine. Probably less than nine. It's not nine. What percent uses headphones?
Starting point is 00:53:10 Probably 90. Your grandma use headphones? I would imagine. Your grandma uses headphones? Yes. My grandma doesn't have headphones. Elderly stop using headphones, they just listen to things aloud.
Starting point is 00:53:21 Mine does, but she's blind. There it is, that's the only, we gotta get her, we, ah. I just listen to things aloud mine does but she's blind there. It is that's the only issue we got to get her No, it's it's it think it's a closer debate than you think We were in the back of the uber yesterday crammed in there. I was sitting bitch He was right next to me our legs are the same width mine are just long It's an illusion you have skinny legs, too What yes in the back of the uber our thighs are the same I want to do this I can't do this You can't do it. He was doing this I Can't do it Kyle's legs are not come sit next to me Kyle
Starting point is 00:53:58 He there is crazy you had to bring up illusions to make. My legs are so long that they look skinnier. If my legs were this long, and they were this much, and then shoe and foot, they'd be thick. Yeah, no, sure. Thank you. If you cut a celery stalk in half, it's gonna be the same width. No, it's gonna be the same width,
Starting point is 00:54:21 but it's gonna look thicker. If a celery stalk was a mile long, it's gonna look like a piece of twine. You're operating on illusions to make your porn. Yeah, but if you're going celery stick, dickhead, if it was a mile long, it would look so skinny. A mile long celery stick. Yes, and if it was a celery stick this long, it would be girthy. A mile long celery stick.
Starting point is 00:54:39 My legs are very close to being the same width. But it would still be the same width as a six inch celery stick. I'm saying my legs just look skinny. Yes, it would be the same width. I'm saying my legs just look skinny. No, they are skinny. They are. They are skinny, but they look skinnier because they're long. Yeah, they look even skinnier because they're long.
Starting point is 00:54:54 Right, but if your legs were the length of mine, stretch those out, you would look the same. Wait. No. I'm with Kyle on this. I'm with Kyle. I think my legs aren't that skinny. They are. They're just longer.
Starting point is 00:55:14 If my legs were just this fat legs you would say I'd have stubby thick legs. But you can't, that is like an impossible hypothetical. A man can't lose his legs? You can stubby, thick legs. But you can't, that is like an impossible hypothetical. A man can't lose his legs? You can't like, smoosh legs. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:55:29 Of course if you smoosh them, which isn't possible anatomically, they would look, they'd be smooshed. I bet you I have the same width legs as Za. No you don't. I bet you I do. You don't! I bet you I do.
Starting point is 00:55:43 And Za looks, is thick. You would describe him as thick. He might. Well that's wrong. No. Oh my God. I'm with you Kyle. Obviously, but thank you. Yeah, and I'm with Kyle on this.
Starting point is 00:55:56 Goldfinger, who you with? I don't know, it's a complex illusion for sure. It is a complex illusion. It is a complex illusion. It's what we a complex illusion. It is a complex illusion. It's what we do over here. Long is skinny. So you've been in college the past four years. Have you ever written a paper from your own mind?
Starting point is 00:56:12 Yes. Oh, so you do. Two papers? Two. Two. Do you know cursive? Actually, yes. Okay.
Starting point is 00:56:22 Interesting. Pull up Jewish Kyle. We got some replies. Oh, yeah. Yeah, if you want to open the tweet, too, you can I will I will look through right now All right, I'm pulling up caption this All right, I'm pulling up caption this What we got I'm a blue raspberry goy that's non-jewish though, yeah Not very good. Yeah, all bad delete it delete it. Yeah, it's gonna make us all look bad. Okay The one I liked was in Yiddish, but it just translates to autistic and proud
Starting point is 00:57:17 A new Yentl story You can't have that. No, we can't have that get that off nice try I got One of them just There's a couple funny ones out there. Yeah, but I can't say Wait, I'll say it which ones no no no it's just amook you're fucking crazy, bro. Oh my goodness that You almost look like CGI It almost looks generated
Starting point is 00:57:46 For a new video game oh My god Live show in Indy grab tickets are moving fast are they moving fast actually or is that lingo? I have no idea Yeah, okay, I'm gonna take a count the end of June to see where we're at We have so much time yeah because moving fast means we haven't sold any, right? Pretty much. Yeah. Oh. I think we've sold a good amount though.
Starting point is 00:58:08 Yeah? Yeah. We're gonna need some pre-planned goofs. We'll have Brandon and Titus with us, which will be good, because it'll be the majority of the talking. Yeah, we'll figure something out. Absolutely.
Starting point is 00:58:18 I have some ideas already. Yeah, we'll be good. How big is the theater? It's like 250. Yeah. I think capacity is 275 and then there's you can you can get a box. They have like a box it really yeah What if somebody gets assassinated there? Oh that at the anus live show? I will serve the the box seats
Starting point is 00:58:41 You'll serve them. I will serve them. Okay. Yeah, okay be a butler we're a mother yeah mm-hmm well let's give out no words are about to fly let's give out an award at the show like a pro a trope like superlatives okay mm-hmm most inconvenient to be around somebody wearing mm-hmm. Most guest, is that just fattest? Most guest is fat. Yeah. We had a pretty fat guest sitting front row at our last live show. And I was-
Starting point is 00:59:16 You let him feel it, hear it. I let him hear about it. And then I bumped into him like in public, like a year later. He's like, hey, I was the fat guy. I said, was yeah. But shout out to him. Yeah, dude. I, uh, I hadn't, I've never really had a huge person next to me on an airplane before until recently. I had a big fella and I, I, um, didn't get mad cause I'm sort of a pacifist,
Starting point is 00:59:45 but seeing what he had to do. Did you sympathize? Yeah, to get through it impressed me. Yeah. Like it was almost, I don't even think David Blaine could do it. It felt like that, like when he was trapped in ice. They can contort their bodies for sure.
Starting point is 00:59:58 It was actually like performance art. So like he like set up his, like first of all he added a neck pillow, which I was like You just takes up more space. It's just more space. It's like it's built in but he They get into this like this like a bracing position and they just they just sit there and they can hold this position For so long you're shocked that a huge fat person is good at not moving, but it was it was not a normal position It was like they had to like really I feel yeah, it sucks for sure. It was crazy You're shocked that a huge fat person is good at not moving. But it was not a normal position.
Starting point is 01:00:25 It was like they had to like hold it. Really? Yeah, it sucks for sure. It was crazy. Yeah, but then they had to do something about it. I sat betwixt two big sisters once and I had a good time, which added. A jumbo Oreo?
Starting point is 01:00:39 Yeah, it was like, no, it was like, yeah. Did they spread your ass? They spread your ass? Spread my ass It happened to me like just the other with last week And he was in the middle and 400 pound maybe like 350 and it's like I can't use my left arm Yeah, you just give up that yeah, and I got a window seat. I'm saying I think there has to be like you have to Buy there has to be like you have to Buy there has to be a System in place maybe not no say speak your mind go shack because I bought like economy plus window
Starting point is 01:01:16 That and now I have the worst seat in the house. Yeah, you know I'm saying economy plus for you, it probably looks like with the office chairs that Shaq has with you and I'm sorry you're big you're I felt bad about the leg thing your legs are nice oh yeah you have bigger legs than me were you the cutest in what were you the cutest in economy plus? No, there was a gourd. No, I'm just kidding. Because I feel like I've been the cutest in Economy Plus once, but I will never be cutest in first class. It was a good feeling. First class isn't cute.
Starting point is 01:01:54 First class is not cute. They're all old. There's a lot of old people. Yeah, but handsome people have a handsome... It's all like Ned Schneebly. Is that School of Rock? Yeah. Yeah. That school of rock yeah, yeah
Starting point is 01:02:14 I had a incident at a coffee shop this morning KB that I thought you would appreciate your battle with retail workers Okay Mm-hmm ordered nice coffee new delhi across the street for me. They give it to you a fucking India And you ordered a nice coffee and iced oh iced coffee The lady gives it to me, and it's just warm with no ice That's coffee. She gave you the wrong word coffee in a clear cup though. Oh wasn't hot it was like Luke warm it's it's also 9 a.m.. So So it's not like the coffee shouldn't have been sitting out for that long. There should be a fresh iced batch going on.
Starting point is 01:02:50 I'm like, do I drink the Lukewarm coffee or do I ask for ice? So I asked for ice, like a little bit. I was like, can I just get a little bit of ice? Like this is like, I didn't say it was disgusting, but it was. She then pours a gigantic cup of ice, pours the coffee into it,
Starting point is 01:03:07 and then half of the lukewarm coffee is still left in the old cup. And then she gave me the cup of ice with the coffee. So I just got half a coffee. Yeah, that's an uproar. That's an uproar. Did you cause a scene? No, I walked out.
Starting point is 01:03:21 What coffee shop was it? Oh, New Delhi. New Delhi, yeah. I walked out, got into an Uber, and my uber driver almost closed the window on my hand Were you doing the fucking like hand thing out the window? And then and then he didn't speak English and he just rolled it up on me That's such an unbelievable thing to have. He didn't even he didn't even acknowledge it.
Starting point is 01:03:48 So two for two on just bad interactions today. Yeah, these will probably pile. Are you going anywhere else today? Now I'll be here editing. OK, but after maybe some. Yeah, they might pile up. Yeah.
Starting point is 01:04:00 I'll stand up in good. Doing a lot. I'm doing my still showing up dirty. Now, I think it's a good bit. I think it's a really good bit. Showing up dirty, covered in dirt. He came after a softball game once and he showed up dirty. A really good bit.
Starting point is 01:04:13 Yeah. You should get dirtier next time. Yeah. Last week, I played a softball game, was in shorts and my uniform showed up like filthy, like head to toe dirt. And then I just went up on stage at the I went to the Soho house. It was a show at the Soho Oh, I bet they hated that yeah But I got up on stage, and I just read my softball stats from the year and they were loving it They loved it pretty funny pretty funny I was crowd working this Asian guy though, and I started to get close to him
Starting point is 01:04:40 And he literally yelped like get the fuck away from it. He yelped it. Yeah Don't come near me Wow cuz you're dirty cuz I was dirty and I was bleed I was actively bleeding that's a good bit, too Yeah, yeah, just do that every time. Yeah. Yeah, stand-up's good though. What else you got going on co? Do I have going on? Nothing I Don't go outside Do I have going on? Nothing. I don't go outside. You know, we give a lot of shit to kids, like, oh, they don't go outside anymore.
Starting point is 01:05:12 Like, we don't either. No. I have all the free time to go outside. I go outside, have my coffee every morning. I walk to work. You don't go outside you go outside virtually That's been great. I don't know if we could talk about this Our girlfriends are getting dinner together tonight. Yeah, you afraid
Starting point is 01:05:40 No, probably cathartic They need to get shit off their chest Totally like don't like talk. Yeah, talk your shit. Don't hold back. I've been bad. You've been bad bad bad Yeah, what you've been doing? There's nothing around the house. Just laying around just being a slob farting Like I won't even like I'll pretend to do a dish What's that mean just sink on nothing in there? No like fiddle with the dirty dish Just throw it away when she's not looking
Starting point is 01:06:23 But you've been good me like you do the household tasks. Yeah. Yeah, I build and I construct I like doing that though. I like coming home and just putting something but now you have to do that for the rest of your Relate your life. I like doing that now you're stuck though, but I've always done the second You get a little lazy like maybe you hit you're in your 40s, and you're like my back hurts I'm more tired than I and that's what I'm like it. So you're gonna get it tonight, so it I'm gonna get it in Ten years ten years yeah damn Yeah, you think you're gonna get in trouble when when she comes home yeah, cuz they're gonna compare our stats
Starting point is 01:07:02 get in trouble when she comes home. Yeah, because they're going to compare our stats. It's going to be a blowout. They're going to compare our stats. Y'all, you're going to have a great night. Yeah. I'm afraid, man. Is there any trips that we have coming up that you haven't told her about?
Starting point is 01:07:24 I don't think we really have anything. We don't do yeah, we don't do you don't just yeah, yeah, I love yeah, that's like I Love you guys don't discuss. We don't it's nice. We have it. We don't discuss and it's amazing You guys don't do back and forth. It's just no we talk in utterances And like we do both do like voices really are you so? What's the voice you do? We'll do like cat chance chance g double o f y k i double t y goofy kitty goofy kitty go and But you guys are just talking to the cat talking to the cat
Starting point is 01:08:01 Piper so is the cat like the in in between to you guys as the middle man? Yeah, it's never like, oh, today at work. No, no. What's she know about you? I'm describing this and it's funny, but it's a very healthy thing. Like there's no- And usually when things things are healthy you do have to say it Yeah, why don't you be building someone she comes home tonight
Starting point is 01:08:36 Still got a bidet to install okay, yeah Was it how long have you had it? The whole time what's that be I don't I just I don't know Yeah, so we have that to look forward to tonight. We'll see how it goes All right, can we get them on a podcast absolutely not? Absolutely fucking not I mean no it would be crazy. No it would be not absolutely fucking not Never that'd be the worst decision ever. Alright, anything else?
Starting point is 01:09:16 Is that it? No? Okay. Alright, God bless. God bless.

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