A New Untold Story - Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmiresh - A New Untold Story: BONUS EPISODE

Episode Date: December 25, 2022

Merry Christmas everyone, God bless.You can find every episode of this show on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or YouTube. Prime Members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. For more, visit barstool.link/anuspodcast

Hey, a new untold story listeners, you can find every episode on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or YouTube. Prime members can listen to ad free on Amazon Music. Hey, is that story old or told? What? No, baby! It's a new untold story! A new untold story! It's a fresh, big untold story! A new untold story! Welcome to a bonus episode of A New Untold Story. It's a Christmas episode for my Gentiles out there. And for my Jews, I still think it's Hanukkah.

Could be. And our gift to you is Maresh. Maresh, happy Diwali. That was about a month ago. I was with you on Diwali. No, I was with you and I think

Fights and he wished me happy Diwali before you did. Fidelberg did it like earnestly. What is it? It's like where you get, do you paint yourself and run amok? No, that's holy. That's completely different. Or color. Okay. I didn't mean

amok. You run in an efficient manner. Feidelberg gets from A to B. Feidelberg, it was a bit presumptuous that you were celebrating, but he's hung out with you only once before and he like didn't even know you were coming. And he's like, Oh, Hey man, happy Diwali. And I was like, I immediately looked at you and I said, what a better guy.

Yeah. It's very true. It's very true. Uh, it's a Christmas episode and it's also Maresh's birthday episode. Happy birthday, Maresh. Maresh. How old? How old do you think I am?

20. He's going to be 29. 29. Wrong. 28. 28. 28. Oh's going to be 29. 29? Wrong. 28. 28. 28. Oh, Madden 03 year.

What? Marshall Falk. The Anthem by Good Charlotte. Oh, wow. Yeah. Andrew WK was on that soundtrack. Party Hard? Yeah.

Was that the only song he had? Or no, he had another song, but it was still about partying. Was he actually in a wheelchair or was that just like a prop? Yeah, he was not in a wheelchair. His whole bit is he wears white head to toe and he doesn't change until it's like disgustingly filthy. I don't know him. I think you'd fuck with him. Who?

Oh, my God. He landed the bustiest of the busting. Let me think. Big, heavy or big naturals or neither. Big naturals or neither big naturals not heavy uh they like hayek she's a hybrid um no not like hayek i give up no you know it i know it it is it is sarah spain no heaviest it's it's the bustiest of the busties is Is it Petite? No. Jennifer Coolidge? No. Rudy, come on.

This is your territory. Yeah. Blonde? No. Redhead? No. Jenna Jameson? Oh.

No. That's not Nat. Actress. Yes. Fuck, that was embarrassing. The bustiest actress. I would consider her her of the actresses i think she might rush more of busty the girl from madman no she has pain she and austin powers

no but she's younger she's younger she's younger i bet you i don't know andrew how old is andrew wk married a younger girl okay um kind of old yeah of old. Yeah. Now. Was she in- I might be wrong. Was she in a trilogy? No. Then I completely give up. She was- You were close.

She was in a movie about an infinite playlist. Oh, Kat Dennings. He got Kat Dennings. Kat Dennings. Wow. Look at Rudy investigating. I think I know who you're talking about, but I just want to make sure. Yeah, she's two broke girls.

Yeah. Yeah. She's a 40-year-old virgin. Is she a 40- 40 year old virgin she's daughter she's uh she's hot she is hot she's like sneaky hot but like if which i don't i i gotta tread lightly i always i forget we're just not yucking it up with the boys she um i i am yucking it up with the boys but with multiple other people what would you what would you give her composite score composite score so do you remember when we talked about composite scores yeah i remember you guys brought it up and i've like joined in just to keep you guys in check no you were the leading the charge it's face it's tat face tits ass it's face tits ass

total score for that could be 30 10 face 10 tits 10 ass. It's face, tits, ass. Total score for that could be 30. 10 face, 10 tits, 10 ass. How would you spend your... If I gave you 15 points to spend, what would you spend it on? Well, I can't remember what I'm supposed to spend on. It already exists. What? Like, if I'm spending points,

that's like a... If you're building a woman. This is not my lane, but you would probably... You want to go... Not that. You kind probably want to go. No, this is not. You kind of want to go seven face. You got to go seven face.

I'm going all in on face and boobs. Really? No. Yeah. No. All in. So 10. I'm a front facing guy.

Well, you'd have to go eight and seven. And then just a concave ass? Well, yeah. I guess... A zero ass? A zero ass, Rudy? She couldn't even sit. Build this whore correctly.

I think... Think about it before you build this whore. I am thinking about it and I typically... That's what I'm into. You'd go a zero ass? That's what I would want. I am thinking about it. And I typically, those are just, that's what I'm into. You'd go a zero ass? That's a poorly constructed broad. Yeah, but like, it's like I treat her like the moon, like the front side of the moon. Like you never see the dark side, the front side.

Wow. That was pretty profound. You did lie, Nick. She's in a trilogy. What's the trilogy she's in? She's in Thor. That's true. Yeah, that's why I was thinking her.

You've never seen a Marvel movie. I saw it on the tip of his tongue. I never have. Any. You've never seen Avengers? No. Once I was old enough to make my own decisions and wasn't forced to go with a friend

and their parents to movies, I stopped seeing things that I didn't like. What's the last movie you've seen in theaters? I know the answer oh we were with him probably it was jackass yeah yeah that was a penis heavy jackass but as your body ages i think you can only fuck around with your penis you don't want to their bones will break too easy they fucked around with their ass they fucked around their ass kind of sad it was still like i would call it a good movie lowercase g but it just was kind of sad you housed was still, I would call it a good movie, lowercase g. But it just was kind of sad.

You housed a hot dog during that film. I ate a hot dog. I did. Birthday. What are you going to do? Oh, yeah. I celebrated by buying myself a bag of potatoes. Really? I've only been eating potatoes.

A bag of potatoes? Strictly potatoes? Bought it on Monday. And I've just been making potatoes different ways. Really? I've only been eating potatoes. A bag of potatoes? Strictly potatoes? Bought it on Monday, and I've just been making potatoes different ways. Really? I made potato chips. You made potato chips? That's one of the easiest things to buy.

Yeah. That is just a tremendous waste of time. It was a flex. Not a flex. No. Not such a flex. No. Making potato chips is a flex?

I made my own chips. Wasn't the first potato chip made on accident? You eat Lay's? Wasn't the first potato chip made on accident?'t the first potato chip made on accident and no i drink i have kettle chip on accident they cut the potatoes too thin i know right no no this this might be an asap fable but i think it was like the woman complained that her potatoes were cut too thickly and so the chef she sent them back and to be a dickhead he cut them really thin then he brought out chips, she sent them back and to be a dickhead, he cut them really thin. Then he brought out chips and she loved them. Well, right.

So am I confusing that with the ice cream cone? And they ran out of bowls and they had to go to the waffle stand. Aesop covered potato chips. No, I was. Yeah, I think that might have been a real like way it was invented. Worst birthday that you've ever had. Oh, when I was with my uh ex she decided wife wife not girl let's not let's not mine involves my ex-girlfriend but you gotta you're you just there needs to be different

terms for ex-girlfriend and ex-wife well there is it's ex-wife or ex-girl right but you just can't throw x out i can no because you're young and people would assume girlfriend true i was with my ex-wife his uh first year she decided to get a dog and she was like well i can't like i don't know what we're gonna do with it because she wanted to go home for christmas and so she just like left me with the dog and i was on your birthday yeah and i was supposed to go to vegas and i had to cancel my whole trip to be with jesus christ so this was your first birthday as husband and wife what did you guys do on your birthday. Yeah. And I was supposed to go to Vegas and I had to cancel my whole trip to be with Jesus Christ. So this was your first birthday as husband and wife.

What did you guys do on your second? My first, this is our first year of dating. Oh yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I was a pre-marriage. Yeah.

This was like four or five years. Oh, okay. Okay. But she like, okay. Yeah. Then you married her after that.

Yeah. I thought it was okay. All right. Um, just a reminder, everything we say always gets back to the person. Yeah. But we haven't said anything bad. Or wrong.

Or wrong. Mine was my 24th birthday. I think it was 24. My girlfriend, ex-girlfriend didn't have a license, so I had to drive three hours to pick her up. Wait, why didn't she have a license? Did she grow up in a big city? She lost it for temporarily. Oh, party animal.

Yeah, maybe. Probably. Yeah. Yes. And I had to meet my, then drive back to Youngstown and then drive to Canton to meet my parents to see a movie and dinner. We saw Moonlight, which is a pretty good movie i don't know if it was oscar worthy but i remember during the scene where the two boys kiss on the beach my dad said easy kyle and i remember it's funny now i remember getting so pissed off

in front of my new girlfriend then we went to bonefish grill in like a a sophomore at massillon perry high school sang me happy birthday with my macadamia nut brownie that was it that was a good one wasn't bad i guess i rung in my 30th year with uh then at the times complete stranger john rich on my couch it was during barstow idol oh oh yeah because we tried to throw you a surprise party yeah you just kept trying to find it was your birthday to ruin it we got your boy stinky tone in town yeah he's following you flew in i remember the planning for that and i was just like he's gonna hate this if that's what you want if you want him to feel hatred during his birthday no no it was but But then it made up my birthday was spent with Shane Gillis at a case race that was not well received either.

What was that, Rudy? I just said that was like a memory laugh. Yeah. Just reminiscing on the case race. Yeah. Good God. That was tough. I blocked that out. I block a things out it's rough and rowdy rough and rowdy yeah i actually it was a live program and during the

ring girl competition you see me give up i just hand my mic to frank so he has two i think and i just walked out of the ring. I gave up. Yeah. It blocked. I'm a very good blocker. That's really good. But like, does it ever like hit you? Like if you have like. Yeah.

Yeah. And that's when I like. Yeah. Remember when we were at our live show? Do you remember when he made that noise as he was falling asleep in the hotel? We're like, why did you just moan? And he was like, I thought of something. Yeah.

That was a while. That was a while. Two days. That was exhausted wild week. That was a wild two days. I was exhausted. Yeah, I managed to get into fights with two of the most beloved comedians in like a week span. With Gillis and... Chris DiStefano. Yeah.

Yeah, you did manage to pull that off. Yeah, at a certain point, you have to wonder if it's you. It's me, yeah. No, I don't think it is. He was firing at everyone, though. Called me a sex slave. Who? Diano did he fair you were wearing that big chain you were yeah i was wearing one of my new necklaces and be fair my necklaces are ridiculous what what is the thought process of the necklace because i actually um i won that argentina bet and i almost bought a chain 20 inch cartier why yeah don't do that i don't know man i think that my thought on it is of the absence of thought like when i get dressed a lot of the times i look

at myself and i'm like this is disgusting like that you are you are truly like transcend what it defines to be a fuck but like do you pick these out that they'll work in together or do you just pick what what what's it's a blind it's like a blind person but it seems intentional it's partially intentional those are way too small by the way yeah no i just wear these in my office shoes but they're way too small like three sizes too small yeah these are from surviving barcel but i just don't like to wear shoes all day it's like me sneaking into the women's locker room at the bathhouse to get sandals that fit i can give you these ones too Yeah, I'll take those.

I got a new pair of slides coming in. But yeah, no, I mean, I think that the way I dress is like a teenager that doesn't know who he is. Wow. But you know who you are, right? It's like a desperate search just to like find something that clicks. Also, I just feel insecure if I'm not like doing a lot.

It's like a peacock. Yeah, you know what I mean? I'm to the point of insecurity where my whole look is about to be just a gag. So I'm going to get rat tail here pretty soon. I'm to the point. That's the highest level. And then I'm going to have a whoopie ring in. That helps.

Yeah, that's the highest level. When I was forced to dress like a skater. Yeah. When I was forced to dress like a over-the-top skater in L.A., like that was the best I've ever felt just because I had an excuse. Yes. And then I got to rock clothes that I never would have on my own accord. And it made me feel very confident and very good about myself. I made that recap video of all my favorite pictures and videos from this year.

I sent it to you guys. Yeah. Kyle's in it more than I am. Yeah. I made some good appearances. But like you went through a lot of phases this year i sent it to you guys yeah kyle's in it more than i am yeah i made some good appearances but like you went through a lot of phases this year the 2022 is so many things so many things yeah because i was looking through my photos as well and your body's transformed your look your skin tone a lot i want you to grow your hair out no it's too muskratty what the fuck does that mean

you just grow straight i remember one time someone like one of the neighbors said i looked like a muskrat when i had long hair and yeah i i think you're you could do you go rudy's length you get there pretty quick no it's gross from kratom. Oh, is it still? Does it still feel like hay? No, I think I made that up. Do you convince yourself of a lot? Do you self-diagnose? No, I'm not a hypochondriac.

I convince myself of colon cancer. No. Which is a doozy to convince yourself of. Yeah, I don't do that anymore. Yeah, how'd you get there? My side hurt. Okay. That's you get there? My side hurt. Okay. That's all it took?

I convinced myself that my turds were ribbon shaped. Like pasta? Ribbon like I guess ribbon. There was a knot? What? There was like a knot in it? No, just an untied ribbon. Like curled, but like almost like a Tostitos scoop.

But like longer, I guess. That's but like longer I guess that's a symptom of cancer there's a blockage in the colon and if oh god just like the shit like the shit is the cutest little poop comes out of your butt and it's a sign of cancer yeah it's a sign of a bad cancer I almost took a picture of my shit the other day it was Christmas colors it was

green from the blue dye from the cookie monster ice cream that I ate and you're still slapping that and red from over wiping with the do you remember that time we were out with owen and he just comes back with the giant bowl of cookie dough kyle kyle said bye to us and 30 minutes later we're still at the bar kyle's been gone he walks by with a giant bowl of cookie monster like sup guys his mouth is blue that was my second most recent blackout. You didn't drink that day.

The Cookie Monster ice cream. I didn't think. Yeah. You were blacked out? We took a ferry to Brooklyn. Oh, we got those sandwiches. Yeah. Yeah.

Oh, I remember. Yeah. We played shuffleboard too. Yeah. Cookie Monster ice cream. Is that the same as Superman? it didn't know it's well this actually fooled me because now i'm not going to eat it anymore it's actually just vanilla ice cream that's blue dot blue food coloring would you think i didn't think i just the fact that it was blue made it taste better to me with it had pieces of chips

ahoy and oreo um nice never again so you just get vanilla ice cream once i found out it was vanilla i i was disgusted i was like that's boring i don't know what i thought blue could be i didn't think about that you just thought it was cookie monster flavored yeah and that stains your mouth for hours and hours i know i uh i was so i in high school i would like never have like a anything that was colored aside from red or pink so i couldn't i was super self-conscious in high school of like i didn't want a colored tongue i just wanted to blend in i was super hyper focused i was so afraid i'd have a booger in high school and i would always check like the um the solar panel on my calculator to see if I have boogers constantly in high school.

Dude, you had so many fears. You feared pooping, you feared boogers, you feared a colored mouth. Were you ever agoraphobic? Afraid to leave the house? I don't think so. But I liked World of Warcraft so much that I

didn't leave the house because of that. It sounds like you were scared of being perceived in any capacity. I did not want to be perceived. I wanted to be invisible. And I still kind of, I think, I can get away with it. You've seen me be invisible every once in a while. People will just walk into me. I'm walking next to Kyle

and people just walk right into me. It's a shame. No, I like it. I like it. But I remember I wanted to go to a high school. it but i remember i wanted to go to a high my freshman year i wanted to go to uh uh homecoming so bad and this girl asked me because you know how it was like it was reaganomics how it worked in high school it was a girl would get dumped before homecoming and then i was the second line of defense i was i was that level of look you're saying trickle down economic yes yeah yeah i was the available guy i was yeah i was that level of

look just like bench player ready to go whenever and she asked me really pretty and uh i had a wow raid and i said no damn so the crazy thing is that nowadays that would make a girl want to fuck you twice as hard a wow raid raid? No, it wouldn't. A wow? If I told her. I'd object to that swiftly. If I told her my gnome rogue screener had to be at a raid. Bro, you ain't plugged in.

You ain't. I'm obviously not plugged in. What's that one porn star who's like a big streamer? Adriana Czesnik. Yeah. Take her. Me and my girl. Girls like wow raiders who are huge twitch streamers

who make millions i don't are they having fun they're finally realizing they'd never had to take their clothes off yeah all they have to do is play video games yeah but my point being is that like nowadays playing video games gets you pussy not even if you're good at it making millions of dollars playing video games no stop cut stop it after dollars yeah yeah no i know you're saying that is true but also they if you're just like a nerdy like nerdy guys are in i don't think yeah they are no i think nerdy successful nerdy rich nerdy hot guys are in the most sometimes you'll get lucky that your look will line up with a phase mine was senior year of high school when twilight was huge and i was so pasty and thin.

And I thought I convinced myself that it would work and it didn't. Yeah. I even tried to look like Jasper from Twilight. I made my hair all messy and I had my eyes real wide. Didn't work. I tried to go for Sheckler. Oh, yeah. That probably worked.

Yeah. Yeah. But the problem is that at the time I went for Sheckler, I wasn't a man. So I couldn't. Sheckler was a boy. He he was a boy too yeah but he was a little bit older oh yeah so like life of ryan was legitimately only about him getting pussy wait really yeah it was like for i think it was like two or three seasons the show was entirely about him finding a girlfriend and it was just a carousel of incredibly hot girls really and then it was like brian sheler. They would sprinkle in skateboarding

B-roll. I remember I was so pissed at him because he went from almost to Plan B and I was like, he fucking betrayed. He sold out. Plan B was like the Yankees. Who was he? At the time, yeah. He was a pro skateboarder. Sheckler. You know Ryan Sheckler. Oh. He's from the

Justin Bieber, what do you mean, lyric music video. Not the official. Wait, he only made the justin bieber what do you mean lyric music video not the official wait he only made the lyric video was he a lyric in the song he him in a in a young racially ambiguous girl or skating and while the lyrics popped up it's better than the actual music video i would say really you know you you know this but for the sake of this podcast conversation we're our top podcast of the year oh my god yeah we got our spotify wrapped we've had will compton on we had brandon walker on guys with a lot of followers um kfc you know been in the game for a long time most followers out of all those guys i I think. No celebrities, but

we had Brianna Chickenfry on one. We did, yeah. And then we got the stats and it was you? No one. I mean, this is your podcast. Yeah, it is. Because you coming on is like M. Night Shyamalan making a cameo in Signs.

The listeners at home, guess what person... Because he made a cameo in signs the listeners at home guess what person more what how do i say this because he made a cameo in his own movie i can't think of any other off the top besides tarantino stanley okay he's never seen a marvel movie he's done every single one he committed vehicular manslaughter in that scene though oh shit that wasn't it tarantino? No, Shyamalan. Shyamalan drove his car into a woman. And a sign? He's a dark man.

Oh, yeah. Not... No, no, no. His style. I can say it. I could too. And I would. Sure.

No, your episode was 126% more listened to than anything else. That's insane. That's a lot. Oh, yeah. That shouldn't have been over 100. No. It's mind-blowing to me that everyone loves me so much but yeah and it's crazy to see that like before i met you guys i knew

none of this stuff and then now i'm like ready to throw hands with the stoolies clubhouse guy talking about the brg he didn't bring him up he didn't bring him up in the armies and i saw you ready to find him and fight him and now you have a podcast of your own with Ethan. One month trial with him, which is what a weird world. You know, the third guy is a BRG, James one. No, I had no idea. He said, plug your podcast. Blokes.

BLO. Okay. With stylized with a money sign instead of an S. Because blokes with an S was taken. Oh, does that, does that help your Google searches though? Probably not. Can't. I don't even know

where the dollar sign is on a keyboard damn it's a four four uh on the phone mobile first shift and where's it at top right probably where the four would be i think yeah i think if you hit that button to shift the keyboard it goes up where the four is does it mirror that i would i would hunch that you can't say that. Is hunch a verb? No. Yeah. Fuck.

I'm so bad at grammar, dude. I still don't know how to use commas. Four. No. Shout out the BRGs for a second. I mean, some of these guys are great. One guy sent me $20 recently on Venmo. Said, grab a couple beers.

What? Nice. Just because? Just because. What's your Venmo? Let's see how good a people know. At Marash Patel, probably. It's just I'm at Marash Patel. it is. At Maresh Patel, probably.

I'm at Maresh Patel. How'd you get that? Statistically, there is... Ain't no way. I'm the only one. One of one. Wait, you tried to say you were the only Maresh Patel, and I went on Facebook and just searched it, and there was just a lot.

I know, I talked about this last time. I'm one of one. Maresh Patel, one of one. Yeah, exactly right. You can search, but you'll never find another one. And then we got to get you merch still, because you wanted that one that said, I'm paid. tell one of one yeah exactly right you can search but you'll never find another one and then uh we got to get you merch still because you wanted that one that said i'm paid oh yeah and then it just says pussy ass indian dude and that would work for italians as well yeah yeah but i'd want the

indian dude one just be like no you're not there's so much merch you're right i'm not a pussy we need more indian there's a ton of merch for italian guys i saw a really stereotypical italian guy yesterday just a little short full track suit and then like the david beckham like angel wings tattooed on the back of his neck big cross out pretty hard but he didn't have any other tattoos that was like his first bold move yeah it's like the jersey shore it like that. It's a bunch of Trump loving miniature smaller than me. The Italian guys. Maresci Patelli. Patelli.

Is that Patelli? Maresci. Maresci Patelli. That's the Indian. Dude, I think if you like took your glasses off and like slicked your hair back. No, I look so Indian without my glasses. I'm not willing to do it. Pop it.

Nope. Pop it off. No. Maresci, we know you're Indian. my glasses. I'm not willing to do it. Pop it. Nope. Pop it off. No. Maresh, we know you're Indian. I know. I don't want to look that much more Indian. This is like the one thing that makes me look less Indian. No.

You and I kind of look alike. You're like if Harold and Kumar went to Princess Peach's castle on VR. Could have gone pokemon microdosed cbd and then went to princess peach's castle in your own home you didn't leave what the fuck are you talking about? You're like the Silicon Valley cast. You are actually the three white male characters combined. On Silicon Valley? Thomas Middleditch, TJ Miller, and... Big Head?

And Martin Starr. Oh my God. Holy shit. I bet you have TJ Miller's hair and facial hair. Thomas Middleditch's general demeanor. And then Martin Starr's glasses. Damn. Holy fuck, dude.

I'm the... Yeah, you are. And Middleditch has blue eyes. Yeah, I think if you combine their three faces, it's you. Damn, is that show still on the air? Nah. I don't think so. Kind of funny gag out of TJ. you gotta go to Silicon Valley it's you I damn is that show still on the air nah damn I don't think so

funny gag about TJ the first two seasons the first season of that was incredible it's a good show I saw TJ Miller on the subway

and he went to the high school did he commit terrorism he did something wild I have no idea what it was he had like a traumatic brain injury and then went right to terrorism he called him like a bomb threat to an airport

because his girlfriend was there or his wife or something that's textbook. Yeah. And he's just a known dickhead. Really? Like J-Lo.

What? Whoa. Yeah. Whoa. I did hear that. Horrible. We were like prepped in the office when she came in of like, just leave her alone. She doesn't let her personal driver look at her or talk to her.

Jesus. Not even if they're looking through the rearview mirror she'll have them fired uh time ben affleck like tipped a bunch of the guys helping them in vegas and then she took the tips back and then only gave them like five dollars j-lo yes she was so she's still very attractive for she is but anaconda j-lo oh wow got me i howled at the moon i just re-watched that recently and i got a noise complaint for howling is ice cube in that uh yeah ice cubes in that and then ice well who's in who's in deep blue sea oh no ice cube is in that and then cool j ll cool j's in deep blue sea he's the chef i always confuse that with into

the blue as yeah as many would yeah it's like literally the same movie yeah yeah i used to fucking that's all i used to watch was like giant animals eating people movies that genre of film how many does that even creature features like placid arachnophobia anaconda deep blue sea of course jaws open water rampage with the rock no that's a recent one and that's off that's after the video game oh i i saw that in theaters you saw that was a low point for me dude did rampage come out the same year as battleship with rihanna didn't rihanna play like a navy captain yeah with liam neeson he'll be in anything. Yeah. What a cast. They

made a video game. They made a movie after Battleship, the IP board game of the board game. A Connect Four movie would be tight. Mouse Trap. That was already a movie. Tetris would kind of go crazy. Tetris would be an awesome movie. Jumanji was a board game before the movie.

No. Don't fuck with me with this shit. I know this shit. That ain't it. Don't do this. Don't do this. Don't do this. Maresh, you're not going home for Christmas.

You're staying here. No, I'm going home. What? Yeah. You said you weren't. I wasn't and I'm going home. You got cooking for the family? No, I'm going to an aunt's house.

Okay. They're going to do all the cooking. Even the desserts? Yeah, I'm just showing up. I'm a bystander. Damn. I thought you'd at least be cooking desserts. No.

You have the life of pie. Dude, did I tell you guys about this wedding I went to recently? this last week where i just got back from the dr yeah you had dude destination weddings are selfish as fuck oh so selfish but it was uh the girlfriend's friend so i went so you knew nobody yeah oh it was tough but the three there's three events the first night was like a welcome party and it's like listed out what you were supposed to wear and said welcome party all white party and so i figured that was just for the attire and i show up and it was it was also for the attendance for the attendance as well looking around and everyone's dressed in white and they're all white and everyone's staring at me dude you just got to pick up an hors d'oeuvre

tray and just blend in with the blending with the cast everybody was it was it was really awkward you sent me a picture from there and i thought that like they were going to put you on like they were just going to put an apple in your mouth and like put you over the spit yeah i felt i felt like i was gonna be like johnny depp and pirates did your girlfriend have to like calm you she's like it's okay she's like no she was pushing me towards the crowd. Oh yeah. That's when she, this is when she betrays. Yeah. But it was, it was a good time other than that. No way it was. You're lying. I was

craving social interaction. Cause like I didn't know anyone. I kept trying to talk to people and everyone was kind of like in their little clicks. Yeah. And this guy came up and I thought he was going to like talk to me. And he's like, Hey, do you know how to connect to the wifi? Oh no. Oh my God. Oh, my God. Oh, man.

Oh, no. I'm going home and I was supposed to go to my grandma's. I just found out she got COVID with everybody else in my family there. So that's a bummer, I guess, health wise. But I'm glad I just get to stay home. But my grandma called my mom and earnestly asked if I do porn. What? Yeah.

Your grandma called your mom? You got the face for it. No. No. That's very mean. That's very mean. They have the wackest swag. They wear the lamest clothes. I bet you they all have that one hat

that says dope real big on it and the o is overlapped just like plaid yeah yeah i know when a guy in plaid shorts is just like fucking three girls they do all they all have plaid shorts long plaid shorts over the knees dude dudes with plaid shorts they they know how to fuck yes yes if i ever found like a crumpled pair of plaid shorts in my hypothetical girl's house no but it's only white guys because if you see an indian guy in plaid shorts that long you're not you're not afraid no those guys are always walking on they don't know how to walk on their heels they're always on the balls of their feet that's that's how they are um um no but because my grandma thought i was a painter for the long which is fair because one time i gave one of my cousins a painting for christmas

because our gift exchange was like five dollars and under a painter this big picture of bob marley um and so my grandma's like okay he's a painter because she couldn't comprehend graphic designer. I get that. And she asked one of my aunts if I'm still painting. And they said, no, he does stuff online. And she was like, oh, let me look it up. And they said, no, no, no, no, no. It's really bad.

And so. Oh, yeah. Yeah. And they're like, you can't look up his name. And so she called my mom crying asking if i do porn what'd your mom say she said no she says he he doesn't have the dick for it genetically she's guessing she's never seen well she saw my pp when i was a baby but no i so that's i'm glad i don't have to go up and like have to talk about that.

Not too bad. Apparently a lot of porn stars, I didn't know this, have fights told me this. They have fake dicks. No. Really? Yeah. They have fake dicks? They're like enhanced.

Yeah. It's like an, it's like a Reebok pump. What do you mean? I know they cut the ligament so it hangs soft, like better. I think they just said they did it like surgery, put a rod in it and it hangs soft like better is that a hollow rod some of their dicks are burnt out because they can't get like hard anymore so they need like the rod in there

dude being in porn has to be the biggest curse maybe not like the only fans era but like the really advantageous slimy boogie Nights. Dude, I just watched Boogie Nights. You watched it with Owen? That's weird.

That's an Alone movie. Yeah. There's a Boogie Nights in Atlantic City. It's insane. It's like a club. Oh, really? Yeah, it's very cool. Do you see Wahlberg's penis in Boogie Nights?

Last scene. Have you seen it because like the whole the whole premise have you seen it no whole premise the movie is mark walberg has a big dick oh that's what boogie nights is yeah okay i never saw you just threw it on hey let's just throw on boogie nights it's worth a watch pretty cool movie yeah was it i don't know if it couldn't i don't remember his dick because i closed my eye i put the pillow in front of my face like a scary movie dude i do that's my tactic for scary movies like i used like used to like keep a pillow right here i said my first date ever with

a girl was to go see the grudge oh yeah and i i was fucking i didn't know what to do and so I just like looked to the right the whole time I didn't watch the movie at all it was so boring it was so long that movie gave me a panic attack my first girlfriend broke up with me because I was afraid to kiss her and what year did the grudge come out somebody do that and I'm very sad

not now Mook not in front of my boys I had a girl break up with me because we saw the joker together the walking phoenix joker and she was like it she just like couldn't handle it and she's like i can't even look at you the same like it was such a traumatic experience for her that she was like i mean what it's kind of like a joke between us now like we're still friends she's cool but like after the joker it just it just it just ended like it just wasn't a good experience for her she like couldn't do it like she couldn't even ride the subway after seeing the joker you

went out with a girl after she went out with a cannibal that's true yeah yeah that's true a very noted cannibal yes yeah that was the thing who's noted a cannibal the fuck is a note that was a scene he's oh army hammer yeah yeah that's insane yeah i mean you can do if you dated her for a long time you could have done anything you wanted i was like yeah it's not that bad i was scared yeah i was endured yeah yeah i was scared it was it was a yeah it was a unique situation she went on a date with him or dated him she dated him wow yeah yeah i felt pretty bad for her and then like i couldn't be like hey you know sorry about that bounce you know yeah it's a hard situation to parlay men are pigs yeah exactly did

she bring him up at all uh no oh no i didn't so she really no you don't bring that up yeah no yeah no come on it's crazy yeah that was a unique situation for sure yeah dude not many people get that one fighting about my weight class in many different ways yeah not physically yeah she was fat as fuck my army liked her yeah dude i hope not dude i don't want to catch that fucking static dude no thanks what from army no army now is like selling real estate in a on a tropical island like he's like i think he's just a real estate agent now. Yeah, no, he's he's terrifying. He's gigantic and he's not scared to like legitimately eat you.

No, that's all. That's all factual. Yeah. No fucking thanks. Was he a good actor? I know it's tough to play two people. Yeah, I think he was good. Low hand at it.

Yeah. I mean, he's also in that sphere where it's hard to judge because he's just so hot. I don't know. I think it would be tough to play twins. Oh, he did that? He was the Winklevoss. Okay, yeah. He was the Winklevi.

Yeah, he was. Yeah, he was the Winklevi. Yeah. Which Francis would also have murdered. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. He's got that.

I mean, that's his life. Anybody that comes from wealth has that aura about them. It's almost like I can't even do it. It's confidence. It's the tone of their voice. It's so lost on us. Yeah, exactly. It's just I can't put my finger on it.

They're comfortable in their skin. Yeah, and intelligent. It's just one of those things that I just can't figure out. It's something so lost on me. Just like somebody does something like they're proud of something they've done. Incompetent. Yeah. Yeah.

And have their life put together. Dude, somebody will tweet out a video that they worked tirelessly on. I'll be like, how did they do that? Mystery. Yeah. I was bold. Yeah. Yeah.

You're really taking some risks there. Yeah. I'll give myself a one day window. I'll like tweet out a clip of Rediscovering America. I'll be like, that's enough. I'm clogging up the feed. I was in Alaska for eight days i was so in my head when i was younger that i would post a picture on instagram to an audience of very few not even in working in social media and i would make it so i wouldn't look at my notifications for 24 hours so i wouldn't have

to deal with the disappointment of a certain number of lights dude on myspace uh a lot of people didn't have a webcam so you you couldn't really have a picture. But you usually had one picture of yourself on your computer. And I used the don't have a webcam excuse for a long time. And all of my MySpace photos were pictures I did in Microsoft Paint of me. So I did Microsoft Paint of myself. And they weren't even like trying to be funny i was just like trying to paint myself accurately in microsoft paint and that was my

like and i would like update my profile picture of me doing shit like pretty regularly there's one of me in a guitar and one of me skateboarding i was like yeah i don't have a webcam but this is what it looks like when i'm doing this i never my parents didn't let me have a myspace really yeah which it was before like all my friends were on there like talking to girls and stuff yeah it's not at that level yet so my top friend was my girlfriend i was afraid to kiss my number two was jack skellington and my number three was the band afi you just had the top you said the top three yeah it was top four i didn't have it no you could have just you could it was really customizable i think you could have a top three i don't know what my

fourth um i think if it was a fourth i probably had avenged sevenfold no actual friends yeah it was bad dude it was bad and i think like i took the code from kitten cannon and had that on my page so if you wanted to like if you forgot that addicting games addicted, you could come to my page to play Kitten Cannon. Hell yeah. It's a good game. Jesus. The Grudge came out in 2004, by the way.

Okay. That's good. That's fine. I was in eighth grade. No. Oh, I was younger. Seventh grade. Yeah, I was in the fourth grade.

That's a good first date era. Yeah. The movie fucked me up. Yeah, movie fucked me up it's more than fine very normal of me yeah the movie fucked me up dude I'm gonna be the first 12 year old who dies of a heart attack and that's my cue to go to the bathroom

after every jump scare what character are you playing right now the scared guy who's watching the garage you do the best scared kid that watches the grudge and yeah like the pop is scared yeah he's like is above that a lot of schools had that character though like i think that was a pretty relatable joke for us as ridiculous as that was yeah oh my god what was your first date maresh i went to go see bruno oh dude that is a talking penis in that movie we were gonna see harry potter i think or the third one ask a man

yeah yeah and uh we pivoted for bruno instead and it was a double date my friend his girl and then me and this girl and we're just looking at the screen like the part where like Paul Abdul comes in there trying to like use humans as furniture just like what what and then it just like cuts to like a dick scene just a spinning dick yeah

dude I went to see it didn't go well I went to Prisoner of Azkaban the last Harry Potter movie I've ever seen. But I saw it in theaters in San Francisco. We were on a family vacation. I guess we just ran out of things to do. And we went there. We didn't know it was opening night.

I was never a huge. I read the books, but I was never like a big Potter guy. And everybody, since it was opening night, was dressed as like a character. And this adult man came up to me and he was like, no rob huh well i guess you're a slytherin and i was just like oh dude and my mom i think called him the f slur leave my kid alone jesus bro i i wore a robe you wore a robe to a harry potter premiere yeah rudy yeah what what premiere the second one what uh what house chamber of secrets uh it definitely was gryffindor because probably because that was this the most popular you could buy it yeah it was like the easiest to get did you do it fun funnily yeah i did it no you did subconsciously because no you didn't

oh i just accidentally dude i was adequately i dude i just put on a rope this morning i just put on a hogwarts uniform this morning i didn't even fucking think run that back run that back subconsciously wasn't the right word i did it what got me into doing it was my best friend was like very into it yeah so part of me was like i'll support him and then there's another part of me that was like yeah this would be awesome but then there was a third part of me where his like god sister was older than us and was a huge harry potter fan and i thought she was so hot there it is she was dressing up so i was like okay i'm not going to be the one that doesn't dress up in a weird way i thought that dressing up for a harry potter

premiere would make my best friend's hot god sister think I was cool. Yeah. Yeah. Wouldn't. Wouldn't. Wouldn't. Wouldn't. What's I dude. Freshman year of college.

I went to church every Sunday for a girl and it wasn't even my religion. Ooh. I did that in my 27th year of life. Oh yeah. Oh man. Yeah. It was just once though. It wasn't just once.

No dude. And I never even, uh, it wasn't, it wasn't Christianity. It was Christianity, but. Was it just once? No, dude. And I never even. It wasn't Christianity. It was Christianity, but it wasn't Catholicism. Yeah. Yeah. It was one of those.

It was a non-denominational. It was a non-denominational. Very like cool. It was a really hot pastor. I think he was probably fucking her because I wasn't. I never did. I went to church an entire semester every Sunday at WVU, the number one party school. Oh, my God.

My parents are deep into the non-denom. Are they big non-denom? Big non-denom, dude. Dude, they're kind of odd. It's insane. The pastor wears skinny jeans and everyone is a recovering alcoholic. I don't know where pastors buy their jeans because they always have a lighter color threadinging it's always the dark jeans with the light threads down this i don't know where they get their hands on those must be some church store yeah there's always scandal on those are you

going to church on christmas no we don't anymore don't know it's a boy rape was a big issue in the house not like it wasn't happening in our household. We were very anti. And so we stopped like going to the Catholic church. So we just go up and we drive around and look at the lights to with my uncle and my grandma. I'll be going. And it exhausts. Really? Yeah.

To church. You dressing up? Dressing up. Like, like not. You should wear a Gryffindor robe. Yeah, I should. dressing up like like not you should wear a gryffindor robe yeah i should do you go to church no no no you're born in connecticut yeah no no church did you ever go to a private school uh no i was supposed to and then we moved and i went to a public school okay yeah i feel

like not going to private school in connecticut is like gross yeah oh that's yeah yeah not cool yeah it's not oh no like like westport and greenwich have good public schools in darien oh okay i figured those kids all went to private school if you go to private schools like in switzerland you live in those towns that's just like you got crazy money yeah okay yeah feidelberg was a big boarding school guy that whole that whole thing blows my mind boarding school it's weird yeah it was always like a threat yeah it was always a threat in like pop culture and then like kids who went there were actually like very cool and had like way more fun amazing experiences great athletes earl sweatshirt earl sweatshirt went to

boarding school knowing what i know now i would have won i would have been worse as a child to go to boarding school if my parents would have actually sent me oh yeah yeah did you go to you didn't go to a boarding school did you no that's like definitely more of an east coast thing so in denver wasn't but there was a couple kids that used to that played hockey that went to this place called culver academy which is in Indiana. And it's a military boarding school. Oh, yuck. Yeah. You get into some weird, uh, you either become like wildly successful because it's like a hustler mentality. Um, or you like become like a horrible drug addict. That's like my lens of boarding school, dude. I'm seeing right now on, I like checking

on Facebook, the biggest hustler mentality guy that I know it's working. Really? Yeah, he's crushing. And it's just like, well, damn, OK, I guess you hustling everything. He's just hustling everything. And it's you never see the success of everybody always makes fun of the hustler mentality guys, rightfully so. But he's it's working. I think he just i think he manifested it

something happened in the last three or so years where people are just not working and making money and rich yeah it seems like very easy to do oh yeah yeah but they all say just like buy property they just all become land yeah how do you do that it's passive income yeah they're just like just buy a bunch of property and be a landlord and everyone's just like dude how the fuck do i get enough money to buy property dude being a landlord would be a nightmare too i think because like not new york but like maybe in new york because people you can't evict people right isn't it impossible yeah they outsource it after like they get after they get enough into the shore but like those first few years where like oh i have a leaky faucet that's on you yeah like like the guys like you or i were like oh we'll become a landlord

and then you're like fixing shit oh it's a hate this yes this is way worse than the nuisance before yeah yeah but like first of all is your is your shower fixed no your landlord's got a great gig yeah i'm playing well i don't complain because i don't think he knows covet is over yet because i'm paying a covet price on a month-to-month lease it's ideal so like yeah i live in fidei and i take the train up to my dad's in hell's kitchen to shower and then i take the train home wet it's the it's a trade-off. But my rent is pretty low. And my apartment's a decent size. You just can't go in the bathroom right now.

So how many showers are you getting a week? This week? I've done three. That's not enough. But my dad is also in... But my dad... That's a sufficient amount of showers. Well, I started Sunday.

That's three or four. Yeah, it's three or four. It's three or four. My dad's been out of town though, so I've been crashing there. That's enough. I forgot it was Wednesday. It's a good spot. It's kind of in a subway dead zone. I hate having to walk.

It's in a transportation dead zone. That's what you'd think is possible in New York. It's in a grocery hot spot though. My God, surrounded by groceries i'll get like i'll tinker what do you what do you do for fun up there you go grab like solo beers what do you do nothing no i play uh yugioh the eternal duelist soul um i had to stop getting solo beers why uh some guy tried to suck my dick oh yeah i remember you tell me about that yeah yeah yeah how'd it happen well so i was sitting there it's going it's like right before memorial day you're not being a dickhead right now yeah you're not that suckable i know you're not suck

presenting yeah you gotta you're gonna have to tell the story i know so i was sitting there at the bar for this one yeah a bar i used to go to a choir as a story yeah go on and uh because if you were more suckable i built i just think yeah we would have let yeah yeah that would have been the punchline itself yeah yeah i'm just sitting there because the bartender used to give me free beers whatever i'm having a beer because i'm gonna go meet some people watch the rangers game that night and uh this guy is like hammered at 7 p.m. walking around. Anybody have a lighter? And I did. So I was like, here, just take it. And he's like, oh, my God.

A handsome man with a lighter must be my lucky day. Oh, no. So I was like, all right, just take the lighter. And he's like, I'm going to go. I got to be honest. I'm sorry to interrupt here. I'm going to get lampooned for interrupting the story. That sounds like some shit i'd say

it was you wait was it you ruined the story you ruined oh no that is so you that's the big twist at the end no but like i would be like a handsome man with a light like i would say that yeah so he's like i'm gonna go smoke my cigarette and then I'm going to come talk to you. And I was like, no, you don't have to. You just give me the lighter back and we can go back to your seat. And he goes, no. So he comes in after like five, six minutes and he sits down and he's like asking me all these questions.

Where do you live? What do you do? All these things. It's like, what are you doing tonight? And I was like, I'm going to watch the Rangers game with a buddy. And he's like, all right. Crazy thought here. Crazy thought. He's like like what if you don't go meet your buddy he said you live you said you live around the corner right he's like yeah he's like what if we go back to your place and put the game on he's like okay

meet you in the middle and he's like and then i just suck your dick okay yeah i was like let me think about this carry the one yeah no no i'm not i was i was not as respectful as like hey i think sexuality is a spectrum there's a lot of things i would do there's also a lot of things i wouldn't do i said this is one of those things i'm not going to do yeah and he's like all right i had to try you know you never know you know i had to try and yeah so i was sitting there and he's like, whatever. Talking for another couple of minutes and he goes, all right, one more crazy idea here. And I was like, all right. He's like, all right, we still go back to your place.

Turn the game on. Instead of the blowjob, I give you a foot rub. I looked at him. I looked at him. I was like, I would have rather had the blowjob yeah definitely how do you go from blowjob to foot rub that's worse that is way worse

if you warmed me up with the foot rub I might have been more susceptible if I hypothetically walked in on you getting your foot rubbed from just a dude I'd be like I would I would cut off all ties if I walked in on you getting your dick sucked from a dude I'd probably still kick it with you I'd just sit down and be like i'll just wait for you to be done yeah so that was crazy god dude yeah that's and if anybody is listening wants to go try to get

their dick sucked that was the irish punt right yeah cool bar name yeah Yeah. Guys that offer to suck penis, in my experience in this city. Way to hell. What in the hell? They go from- Guys who offer to suck penis, in my experience, in this specific city. Yes. They go from zero to 100, much like what happened with Maresh. They go from zero to-

I had it happen to me one time as well. I was walking down the street and- Yours was a drive-by. yours was a drive by drive by walking down the street. And this guy goes, oh, man, I really like your shirt. And I was like, oh, thanks, man. I really appreciate that. He goes, yeah, it's a great outfit. Can I suck your dick?

Wow. And I was just like, OK, well, first of all, that's what you said. Yeah. All right. OK. You can't just butter me up like I was just like, no, immediately. But they just go they go from just a simple conversation right to right to blow jobs that was my experience of guys offering to suck penis in the city maresh i'm afraid you've uh you've cursed yourself a

little bit because next time like you're out with us somebody's going to come up to you and just like fuck with you speak yeah like you're going to get a lot of people coming up just be like yeah let me suck your dick a handsome man a handsome man with a lighter a handsome man with a lighter i want does that ever work for those guys you think he told me he has pretty good success rate and i said do you just like normally target i was like target what he has a pretty good success rate i was was like, do I give? I was like, I'm straight. And he goes, yeah, I knew that looking at you.

And I was like, so why did you ask if you could suck my dick? Well, you gave him the lighter. And he was just like, I have pretty good success rate with straight guys. Like, they're just, they won't tell you. And I was like, I don't feel like I do a lot. They also say that. Gay guys love flexing. Yeah, he was trying to make it seem like it was cool

yeah they also say that when i had the guy jerk off in front of me in the sauna i told him i wasn't gay you did that wait wait wait yeah i've told yeah but how did he jerked off in front of you yes you could you could have told him you're not gay pretty early on well the problem is that i had earbuds in and it was it was he could have been jerking off for a long time and the it was the apex of gayness because i was in a sauna listening to come town oh yeah unbeknownst to me there's a dude in the sauna in a that's how i fucked up my beats by dre really the only reason i did it was because i saw joe rogan do it and he's like they he literally made a whole video about how airpods are can sustain okay i like that i didn't know so it's the first time i did it anyways but at long story short when we

were in the conversation after he was basically like i know he's like it's okay if you're straight i i could he's like i could flip you so did he say did he talk to you before jacking off no so he was jacking off was he jacking off when you went in no he was walking in and the first red flag was i walked in it was just me and him in there and he was standing that is odd in a sauna why would you stand it's a sitting place and it was just me and him in there and because i was had my airpods and he could have been beaten off for minutes without me looking yeah and i looked up and then he was he was going at it and then he tracked me down on the street after i vacated i carried on the really yeah i i carried on this conversation for way too long hypothetically if you guys said yes to the dick sucking proposition do you think it

stops there do you think they're going to try to have you fuck them yeah it's gonna be yeah it's a gateway drug is it a gateway drug yeah it's a gateway blow yeah yeah i think that's sort of i mean i guess if you get your dick sucked you're already you're already gay you do you're engaging in a gay act so yes you're at least curious yeah very curious very curious yeah to the point of it's beyond curiosity if you're right yeah i think you can stretch curiosity pretty far in your own head. Nah, I was just curious. You've been dating that dude for like four years. Yeah, my brother. Yo, you're married to a man.

I'm still curious. I'm still finding things out. Yeah. Oh my God. I've never been propositioned. We went to grab a drink before doodling class and oh fuck i am gay no that's a set that was a just i make up a lot of shit that's just a truth we went to grab a drink before doodling class and that guy came in he was like is this the phoenix oh yeah and i think maybe

that was a play to ask for gay because he asked you he didn't ask me he didn't ask you but then you butt in you're like no that's around the corner i was like how the fuck did you know where the phoenix was let's walk by it i wouldn't i don't i don't look up you don't go to that part of town i don't go to that part of town i assume the phoenix is a gay bar very apparently yeah very gay which is a really cool name for a bar phoenix yeah yeah yeah no i i'm of the opinion that there's just not really bad name bars. Like they're all, all of them to me sound cool. There could be bad name bars. Give me one then.

Rape? Okay. Well, that's, now you're, outdone by Nikki again. The story of my life. Hey, you, imagine trying to take a date there on the first date there yeah you're right there's this little barn there's a little hole in the wall by me there's usually never anybody there it could just be me and you yeah you've got me again oh man oh fuck oh oh yeah that reminds me of my dickhead of the week

what a dickhead of the week during christ? A dickhead of the week during Christmas? A lot of things just reminded me of that bad named gay doodles. You can probably figure out who it is. It's a Pokemon, I'm sure. Is it you known? Unknown? It is not a man. A woman?

No. It's a Pokemon. Yes. So it's androgynous? It is not a man A woman? No It's a Pokemon Yes So it's androgynous? It's Mewtwo No hold on No he likes Mewtwo

Mewtwo's goated He's so sick Okay so it's a Gay doodle Bad name So that rules out Pokemon Is it the Magikarp Fido So that rules out Pokemon. Is it the...

Magikarp. Fido? The dog that's also made of bread? Worse, somehow. Somehow. I don't have to get to that, but... Is it Bunnery? No.

The rabbit that's made of bread? No. Okay. It's... It's... Alcremie. Okay. It's out creamy? No. Who's the guy who carries the log on his shoulder? Timber? Gerder?

No. Conkelder? No. Worst name? Gayer. Give me a color. Skin. That's a range of things.

It's the dickhead of the week. This one came so easy. It's Smeargle. Whoa, Smeargle rocks. No, no. Smeargle rocks. Smeargle. It's awesome.

That is Smeargle is the phonetically cumbersome name for the 3'11", 127-pound beagle whose only discernible traits are that it's a pompous gay painter who doesn't actually paint. Bulbapedia doesn't say gay. 3'11", 127 pounds. Look at that. Everyone pull it up, please. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Smeargle's cool. 3'11", 127 pounds. That's the dimensions of a subwoofer not a sentient

being um the pokemon description on bobapedia it's a painter beagle yeah and look at it look at look at smirgle it's i like it it has some kind of like flesh hat i think it's supposed to look like a French beret, but it resembles unleavened dough with a boner in the middle. Crescent roll with morning wood. It's standing on its tiptoes with its tongue out. Looks like he says, wait, now a silly one to himself. Before he takes a selfie in front of the starry night at MoMA. Smear, so hard. What at MoMA. Smear Girl. Smear.

It's so hard. What a stupid name. What a stupid name. They try to combine like Smear with Beagle. Yeah. Smear. That's the type of painter it is. Smearer.

Look at it. It has three fingers. What does he paint with? Smear Girl hears paws a lot for a dog that has human hands, but it's only three fingers. The worst of both worlds. Can't do shadow puppets. Can't rep blood. It's Smeargle.

It's holding its tail up. To paint. It's a twisty tail, but it still has a grass stain on the end of it it's paint not grass it's it's a green smudge it's holding its tail if the damage has been done it doesn't intentionally afraid to get his tail messy no it uses he's holding it up on his tiptoes it's using its hidden ability is moody santa claus's hidden ability is jolly then on its pokemon card its attack is live painting that's its attack bob ross wouldn't collab with smirgle if there was a gun to his hair

smirgle is the andy dick of etsy if smirgle is man's best friend Then man is George from Of Mice and Men Sarah McLachlan would shoot Smeargle in the head With a German Luger I guess some dogs go to hell Smeargle looks like the makeup artist for Woody Allen Goddamn That might be the worst one yet Miracle looks like the makeup artist for Woody Allen. God damn.

That might be the worst one yet. It is not. That's a good design. It's so hard to make a dog whack. Oh my God. Dogs are already like the most beloved thing in the world. And then a designer has free creative range to do whatever he wants to make it even better and cooler and more magical. And someone created Smearable.

Make a better Pokemon. Do it yourself. Make a better Pokemon. Combine two things. Name it. Make it better. A dog with a lightning bolt and wings that flies and eats pedophiles. I don't know.

Yeah, that is pretty cool. That's pretty cool. I'm surprised that doesn't exist. That trick maybe? Or Zapatos? Zapatos is a bird. It is a legendary bird. Quite.

I wanted the Zapatos so bad when I was a kid. Get it. You can get that's the magic of being an adult. You can get it now. Yeah, you're right. I just want to get it in a pack, though. Yeah. Buy a bunch.

I got too many vices. Like what? Necklaces. Yeah. What? How much is that necklace you're wearing the butterfly oh dirt cheap i got it for like 12 bucks oh really yeah what about the pearls those are like 50 are they real the pearls are big trendy right now yeah he looks it's like harry styles yeah i don't

they're definitely fake there's the what i wear is actually like all pretty shitty stuff really yeah i don't like to spend a lot of money on clothes. Maresh, you spend a fuck ton. You wear chrome hearts. I have one thing from there. And All Saints. Yeah. Your solid black tees are from All Saints.

Yeah, I am. Good quality tees, but. Good quality tees. I can't swing it. I don't have a whole lot of them. Maresh has me entering sneaker drops for him as well now i won't need you soon i love what yeah i'm about to come up big have you you come up on a lot of things like sneaker drops and did you win drake tickets i did win oh yeah the Apollo that is

insane yeah it's part of my come up there's only like 1300 seats and he gave a lot to like his personal friends right there's two nights now but i got the first night still goddamn yeah i pulled a dickhead move with that though i was supposed to take my boy ibs oh shek shek shek yeah and uh that infinitely worse nickname than ibm yeah way worse ibs oh yeah yeah shek's, yeah. Yeah. Sheck's cool. Sheck's cool. But he was supposed to go and then they changed the date. So my cousin who was studying abroad

in England who couldn't originally go can now go. So you had to uninvite him? I had to uninvite him. How'd he handle it? Pretty well. But I felt like a dickhead. It was tough.

It's a tough move. I wouldn't have done it. I would have. I probably would have given the other one my ticket not gone no i have to go otherwise no one can go oh wow you're gonna see a lot of like a list celebrities i had a what brg tell me he would fly from utah to go with you to go with me because you guys must have brought it up somewhere i did yeah like that's like a gift to you he was like he was like hey if you need anyone i would go hank also wanted to go yeah could have gone with hank yeah but i won't i'm gonna be famous soon are you yeah oh yep i threw my hat in the ring to

be on law and order svu there you're gonna be a corpse i'm yeah you're my nightmare is being cast as like a rapist yeah that would be awesome how do you come back from that you can't so you you just applied to be a an extra there's a casting call and i put my hat in the ring that seems like a lot of people would do that they're gonna see you think it works from home so he can like go he's very available and lives in new york city yeah i bet there's not a lot and i bet you that and succession i threw my hat in the ring for the succession one too dude i mean i'm not gonna get cast in either one have you ever seen dude ncis has been on for so long i bet you they've used everybody else in new york it's true imagine like they're not gonna double corpse that's true or Imagine like they're not going to double corpse. That's true. Or if you play like a pedophile and you're really fucking good.

And they like are just like, let's spread this across the whole. You're the villain of the season. Yeah. Typecast it as a pedophile. Yeah, I come back in like a later season, like from a jailbreak or something. I'm back. So when do you hear back on either succession or. I think January 13th for both. We should all start just applying for

all i think it'd be so funny extra work this got this kid i wrestled in high school um alex schaefer um like two weeks after i wrestled him he just auditioned kind of as a joke to be in the movie win-win with paul giamatti and he got the role i don't know what that movie is but it sounds it was a big movie um it was the role of a wrestler and all of the other actors went in like dressed as like a jock and he just had like weird flowy highlight blonde hair and got the role he wears singlet how'd he do um he played i guess good i don't know how to judge actors i don't either i don't know what's good and what's bad if you want to convince me you're a good actor no if you want to convince me you're a great actor you just have to like get angry in a scene and yell the louder you are the better

actor i think you are i don't know what yeah i know it's a skill and the good one of the most impressive ones but i I can't judge. I don't know what good acting is at all. Did he get any other roles after that? I bet you get the itch. Very small. I'm going to look him up. I bet you get the itch after one.

Hell yeah, dude. Yeah. Stardom. Who's that guy who played, who's in like Lincoln? People like regard him as one. Daniel Day-Lewis. Daniel Day-Lewis. People regard him as like the best actor of all time.

I guess. I've never seen anything with him. No, that's the thing. You don't know you're seeing it. Yeah, he's got some roles I've never heard of these. What's he in? Ring Ring. He was in Win Win then Ring Ring. That has to be about wrestling, right? No. The poster is like

an iPhone call, so that's poor movie. Delinquent. Looks like he's a leading role. The Lifeguard with Kristen Bell. The poster is like an iPhone call, so that probably sucked. Delinquent. Looks like he's a leading role. The Lifeguard with Kristen Bell. Wow. Oh, We Are Your Friends with Zac Efron. Wait a minute.

The EDM one? I feel like you would love that movie. I think I fucking caught a vibe to it on 3G. Just like a scene of it. I like shazammed it. Had a good soundtrack. Yeah. Okay, good for him.

He's doing all right, I guess. Probably. I'm just curious if they're all wrestling roles. No, that was the only one. Oh, okay. So he expanded. Good for him. I don't know.

Do you make a living doing like a movie every two years that's not big? No. No. No. Probably not. But like i heard uh commercial acting you make a you can probably do like a couple commercials a year and be all right yeah who's the uh guy that was the uh head reporter in spider-man that does the state farm commercial uh jk simmons yes he was on a podcast here at barcelona he was talking about how the state farm gig is the best thing he's ever done because farmers knows or farmers yeah it's farmers not state farm and

he said that uh it's like the best gig ever as an actor because he's like i just get cash non-stop and it's like the easiest thing like he still does difficult roles but he's like it's just an endless cash flow and it's a super easy gig yeah and like you probably film you probably bulk it into like one month. You're like, I'm going to film like eight commercials and then you're good for the next two years probably. Right. But I think that like commercial actors probably look at it terribly.

But if you're like a movie star that does commercials, you probably love it. That's how I don't know. You have to probably swallow some pride. Like Paul Giamatti is in a T-Mobile commercial now. Yeah. Like he's like an esteemed actor. True. So is J.K. Simmons. I think he has an oscar he does but the

good yeah the good thing is that at least the farmers commercials are like viewed as not like super cringy no you're right so yeah it would be different if it were super cringy yeah you're right and that's a fine line commercials do 100 fucking geico commercials though they have to spend so much money on that cgi and there's never been a good one they have to spend so much money on that cgi and there's never been a good one they have to spend so much just get a famous person instead of the fucking cgi they do so much with how expensive cgi is we can't know you're right those writers definitely think they're the funniest people on earth they probably are they probably are funny yes and there's probably so many hoops

that they have to jump through there's this language you have to use there's these points you have to get to the point of where okay then why even try to make it funny yeah writer's room seems so difficult to me yeah that seems like the hardest thing well because everything you pitch you probably think is the funniest and everybody thinks that way. Right. And so nobody's budging. Right. And then it just becomes this Frankenstein's monster.

Yeah. They take your idea, I assume, and then just morph it into this thing that they can market. That has to fit into this mold. Yeah. That's the hardest part. Yeah. It's not really creative freedom. Right. I mean, dude, the thing we've had zero creative freedom on like uh

that soco commercial it was not written we did not write it it wasn't a sketch it got like more likes than any other video we've ever done yeah it's telling i guess a great ad shut the fuck up i mean just off the prosthetic alone I'd earn my like right but like yeah it was like yeah it was more liked than maybe we're just not good fuck also commercials have like crazy

comedic leeway like priests yeah priests that's the that's the that's the top the pinnacle comedic leeway um yeah athletes might be a tier below coaches priests coaches in a press coverage priests though they they were saying the wackest jokes yeah getting up uproarious laughter yeah i gotta brush up on some i'm uh officiating a wedding this year. Yeah? Jesus, what aren't you doing? What ain't he doing?

No, missus. He's doing everything. Damn, that pedophile from NCIS is marrying you two? And he's flipping sneakers? Yeah. And he's flipping sneakers. And he's repping All Saints? Shit. Shit.

Shit. Oh, man. You guys want to go grab a beer? Let's grab a Guinness. I got KB a gift real quick. Whoa! Got him a gift. I know he's in uh you know we're all praying for kb we are make sure he's all right no actually yeah when you left one day

we all stayed behind and prayed for you we're probably might leave it in the episode yes um but here you go i figured this would maybe lift your spirits or maybe you'll hate it but we'll see oh fuck i see a slab kyle man it's fine that was a bad toss it's not a psa 10 anymore it's a card oh roulon gardner i hate it i have a picture of him um yeah this is awesome what is it it's he's an o an Olympic champion wrestler. It's signed. There's a New England Patriots logo. And what is the Patriots? I honestly don't know, like what card that is.

But my boy had it. Oh, he admires New England guard Stephen Neal and kicker Adam Venetieri, former competitive wrestlers who share his belief in the training wrestling provides for athletes. Very rare to find in football players, but they know. Let me see that. That's pretty cool. That's pretty damn cool. Got you, Pop. Oh, it's signed? What's it say here? Where's he from?

Looks like a Texan. I don't know. Authentic autograph. He might be a Texan. 2000 Olympic champion? Yes. He went in 2000? Yeah, I believe so. Moog, great gift, man. Thank you.

Great gift. That's a really nice note to end on. Everybody have a Merry Christmas or whatever holiday? Or none. Or none. Maresh, thank you. Guys, listen to blokes too soccer pod check it out you want to check in on one month trial ethan you see his baby blue eyes i bought him a ring light i'm too distracted i'm too distracted by his dish he's disheveled as fuck yes i want to

shave his head i'm so distracted by his demeanor like those earlier episodes you guys had where he like his level of care is the lowest of the low he didn't turn his light on for one episode I bought him I bought him a ring light for his computer because I was like do you not have lights in your room he's like no he was using the light from his TV as the light and I

was like dude nobody can see you oh no oh poor guy oh man all right a new untold story bonus episode Christmas thank you guys