A New Untold Story - Humping & Moaning - A New Untold Story: Ep.350

Episode Date: June 29, 2023

Humping, moaning, and happy birthday Nick. Ads: Betterhelp - This episode is sponsored by Betterhelp. Go to https://BetterHelp.com and redeem code NEW for 10% off your first monthYou can find every episode of this show on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or YouTube. Prime Members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. For more, visit barstool.link/anuspodcast

Hey, a new untold story listeners, you can find every episode on Apple podcast, Spotify or YouTube. Prime members can listen to ad free on Amazon Music. Mic check from the check. Mic check. Do we sound crispy? We sound really crisp. We sound crisp. We good?

We're good with the clap. Do you guys ever have those phases where like you and your homies were just like moan to be funny. Yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. So you still get that instinctive. I get it too. Motivation to do it. Yeah. Me too. Cause yeah, there's something about it. I would do like a man mode and I would never do the girl mode. You would do the man mode?

I would do the man mode. Oh, that's too hyper. You know, that was dude. Cause you were moving your hips as you said, you were hump. That was too hyper real. Dude, because you were moving your hips as you said. You were hump. Quit it. It's like a nuanced one. No, stop, dude. Stop.

That's our cold open. A new untold story episode. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's your reply to what I'm going to say. No, that's a new untold story. Hey, is that story old or told? No, baby. Hell yeah. It's a fresh fake untold story. A new untold story. We'll include all Kyle's moans though. Can we do that? Yeah.

I got the tech for that. Just include my moans and make sure that's in. Episode number? Episode number 350. I got the tech for that. Just include my moans and make sure that's in. Episode number? Episode number 350. You would think a round ass number like 350 would have lots of significance in history and pop culture. You always say that for these past numbers. Why do you think we're just assuming? I think you would with 350.

Like 360 has so much significance. Yeah. 350 is even rounder, but nothing. Wow. Can you think of 350 in anything, in any titles, in any names, in any? There's got to be something. That sounds like it should be something. Rudy, I'm yawning.

Can I have my birthday gift? Yeah. Happy birthday, Nick. It's Nick's birthday. Thanks, man. Happy birthday, Nick. Thank man thank you guys i got him his favorite beverage my yerba mate blue phoria and you can go get a some koi tartar no kyle got me my nobu gift card um so i can get koi tartar koi tartar that's what i would imagine they have um 350 350 i didn't even come up with anything what's the first google search when you search 350 it's the angel number

always it's always the angel number every time yeah it sucks um you're 31 yeah you're an elite company can you guess what other famous what other famous 31 year olds there are um yeah i bet you oh man this is tough because 31's weird uh will polter he i don't i didn't come across him will pull these every girls are thirsting over him as well. But he used to be made fun of. Yeah. And he really hasn't changed that much. Goes to show you never lose hope. You're an elite company with Marshmallow. Okay. Da Baby.

Da. Guava Juice. Who? Nico Avocado. Oh, the eating guy? DC Young Fly and Austin McBroom. Those sound like children. those are the 31 year olds marshmallow guava juice da baby nico avocado all how many phase banks

those are the the most famous 31 year old that's that oh God. So everybody born in 1992. Those were just guava juice. Dude, how many of those were food? DC young fly. I actually fuck with him. He's the one who's like, I'm an Adamsville. I'll take your cookies. He would scream that at the mall in Atlanta and it was the best. Wait, is he a rapper?

Is he just a guy? He's wilding out. Oh, okay. okay yeah he got pretty big okay I liked your sensor you still you still censored that word in a black voice damn good ass company

in 31 um I got you something for my birthday. Oh, fuck. Yeah. You did. Oh, he's going to. I guess he's going to get it. Okay. Wow, he's gone.

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wanting some audio time uh what's already waiting for a race to 3g.com order the kyle kush 3g.com promo code anus 15 for 15 off 21 or older to purchase please use responsibly what's that it's my new shirt what's it say american grown polish roots and then it's like a tree yeah but you can't really tell it's a shit because like the top of the tree that shaped exactly. I thought that was Australia. And I thought that was lightning. The roots look like pubes. Red, red pubes.

I got you a card with it. What is this? Yep. Oh, my God. News. News. Let's go. I wrote some news because I was reading the news and i was like wow a lot's going

on uh canada officially bans basic cosmetic testing on animals such as self tanners the new law states that it must be tested on justin trudeau's face locals are celebrating a new hampshire bill that looks to restrict transgender care for minors. It states while minors cannot undergo any permanent surgeries, they will be offered affirming clothing such as chest binders or bulge hiding underwear. Seems like New England is getting saved by the tuck rule again. Extinct butterfly species reappears in the UK where in the uk do they find it crazy town come come my lady shifty shellshaw uh india congrats to india they're now deemed as a

they're now deemed as a superpower wow That could spell trouble financially for the West. American businessmen are so nervous. And that's ironic because now we're the ones giving a big gulp to them. Yes. Yes. A 20-foot python escaped a Wisconsin home and was found lying in a neighbor's flower garden. A snake lying in a garden? You sure that's not Eden?

Most unionized U.S. rail workers now have sick leave. Sick leave sounds like Eve complimenting Adam's outfit. Leave. So I'm going with a theme now. A new iPhone leak shows that they're tripling the Mac's storage, adding more bytes to an Apple. Oh, yeah. The Eden arc, babe.

I'm on my Eden arc. It was good to have that back. Great. Yeah. Get back into that. Great. Yeah. Get back into that. Sure. Yeah. I just I got so bogged down writing jokes for things that you couldn't even deliver.

Yeah. Come on now. Come on now. Time to focus on us. Time to focus on us. Dude, I've been pampering myself. Yeah. I got a piano massage. Yeah. this picture wait what is that the most cryptic picture of him lying or a video of him lying on him on a piano while the guy plays and just said it's a piano massage like we i don't know what's being massaged i swung through you didn't answer

any follow-up questions uh-huh for a For a week. Went through, got a piano massage. What does that mean? Check it out. There's a guy. There's me laying on a piano. Oh. Got a piano massage. Did you just feel the slight vibrations?

And then the camera pans to the rest of the bar. You guys recognize anybody in that bar? Wait. You recognize anybody there? No. Me either. I went alone. What is a piano massage?

This man picks you out of the crowd and he reads your vibe and he'll play you a song based on your vibe and you feel. It's a complete 3D musical experience. You didn't feel anything physically. Yes, I did. What you feel? The vibrations of the strings. Do you think it was worth it? It was the greatest piano massage I've gotten.

Did you pay for it? No. Okay. I tipped $50. Oh, my God. What was going through your head while it was happening? Absolutely nothing. It was a complete mental reset.

This guy usually is in Washington Square Park, but that was his first ever indoor appearance. That looks like something Kanye West would have at his birthday party. A piano massages? Yeah. With a naked lady though. Yeah. That would be kind of hot, like a naked woman on a piano and you're playing. I don't believe he's that horny. Kanye?

Yeah, I don't think he is. You think he's fronting? Yeah. Why? He might be very. It's either one or the other. Yeah. I don't very it's either one or the other yeah i don't know it's one or the other he's not he's not just he's not just occasionally horny no no a bold bold claim man yeah that's what i got trying to start like a crazy conspiracy you know no we'll put that out yeah let's be like the daily loud and we're just going anus will tweet out with our little little anus kanye not kanye sometimes only sometimes horny

like mornings and evenings yeah not as horny as previously reported yeah no no kanye west either very horny or not at all right yeah i Yeah. I think it's between the two. Let's go deeper. Kanye West celibate. Yeah. Or not. Yeah. Just deliver.

Red exclamation emoji. Yeah. Yeah. We need to use that more. I used to use the red cool emoji. It just said cool. I used to use that a lot. It was cool.

Not anymore, though. You never use the red cool emoji. It just said cool. I used to use that a lot. That was cool. Not anymore, though. You never use red cool? No, I can't even think of that. I don't even know that it existed. I don't like using emojis. There's a certain, there's a time and a place. You can't use them. You can't ever use them seriously as a man.

I'll use that purple devil all the time. Yeah, that's a good ironic one. He's a rascal. I was using it a lot when i was pranking all you boys yeah but but when you're in one with with laughing emojis with your laughing emoji guy you sometimes feel the need to reciprocate reciprocate yeah i just can't do my boy sneddy's a laughing emoji guy he definitely is i can't do it. I bet a lot of the wrestlers are because they can't spell ha ha ha. They do struggle.

They're so bad. They're so stupid. They misspell a laugh. They mispronounce out loud their laugh. My boy Alfredo, he has to talk to text like even lol that's not a joke is it oh he's a shout out to him he has he's uh becoming a father so good for him oh god shout out to alfredo big shout out alfredo have you guys seen the picture of the daily loud

owners yeah there's two white guys. Yeah. Really? You don't have to be black to run the Daily Loud. No, but they tweet black. Yeah, they do. They fully do. Have you guys seen the r slash true rate me moderators? No.

Oh my God. Neither have I. Nobody knows. I can't imagine what they that subreddit true rate me. Have you guys seen it? No, it'll be like a cute girl posts and like somebody will just comment 7.6 and then the mod will come in and just be like overrate warning strike one and you'll get banned if you're right.

So they have very strict guidelines and rules where they give examples of like from, from 9.5 to zero and like i think um like nina dobrev was like 6.5 and like so if you go there it's like very attractive girls posting themselves and like fully like bowing down to these guys like hoping for a six and like saying thank you to the guys who rate her a 6.0 jesus we should do something right now that determines who has to post on true rape me oh that would be fun i mean they do men correct yeah do they i think they do men they do men yeah they do yeah speaking of reddit mods did you see like what happened with them last week no so they went on reddit had a thing where they were trying to ban like third-party apps oh yeah and so they all

went dark they all went dark as a strike all the big reddits got together and they're like hey let's go dark and then they made the mistake of saying that we're going to do this for 48 hours and the rule number one of striking from what i hear is that like you don't give an end date because then they're like okay we'll just wait two days and so they did that fuck up and then yes because i'm gonna go on a hunger strike for 24 hours yeah that's fast i strike from barstool friday at five to monday yeah and then uh the the reddit ceo i guess basically said you guys can do this if you want but we're just going to replace you with other mods and they folded like a cheap time oh yeah mods are all they have being a mod is all they yeah once they there is no incentive once they were threatened with losing their power they don't get paid or anything no no yeah it was very

funny to see them just be like yeah we got this boys let's unionize let's get going and then as soon as they're like yeah well we're just gonna take you out of this they were just like oh no absolutely not dude i mean especially the raiding guys that's got to be a rush having that power yeah being able to being able to humble nina dobra no they nina dobra being a fucking 6.4 you said i gotta find the guidelines she ended up with sean white though right really i think they're she's married to sean white huh it's flying tomato that's right uh let's maybe post kyle shirtless tan pick yeah i'm so no i'd have to do it i'm way bigger than that no yeah but bigger doesn't equal hotter. No, no, it doesn't.

Coming to find that out the hard way. She is with Sean White, by the way. She's married to Sean White. You wore that like a badge of honor. I guess you are. Yeah, you're fucking her. Congrats. That's a big deal for me. That gives me hope. Yeah, you need some hope, bro.

You were down. Oh, my God. Okay. First off, you got walloped yesterday. I got walloped all this with the past five days. It was like a standard redhead roast, ginger roast. Yeah. But it wasn't us that walloped. Who walloped you?

Kate. Kate. Kate walloped Mook. Kate, what did she say? So we're talking, it was minor inconveniences as a child and i submitted having red hair yeah which is which was an 11 seed well because it was minor yeah it's 11 seat as a minor inconvenience it'd be a one seat as a major as a man yeah um and so there was a roast going on and it's nothing i've never heard and then kate just comes in with a hammer and goes yeah and and she's looking at me and she goes redheads are either super hot

or super and then caught herself yeah and then she kept going yeah she's trying to like give you like bedside manner i plug my ears yeah yeah she made you plug yeah it was bad because she was like her she was like prince harry i think is that your god it was bad because she was like her. She was like Prince Harry, I think. Is that your God? It was like, oh, it's OK. I feel like you guys have more pressure to be funny. Yeah. Oh, that's when I want to slit my wrist.

And then what happened this first off in our lobby every morning and day? There's new interns, girls who like do like a tick tock prompt. Yeah, mine never get posted. They asked what my biggest red flag was. like a tick tock prompt. Yeah. Mine never get posted. They asked what my biggest red flag was. I said, I'm racist. Yeah. Post it. They said, what celebrities do you want to see in a cage match?

I said, Madison Beer and Glenn Quagmire. Which is so true. The best cage match ever. I said, I said, Nancy Pelosi and like an aging cat and yeah nothing never post no well they know the algorithm yeah they do today's was uh today they were trying to get people to do push-ups clap push-ups that's an impossible feat and there's nobody in here that could do that yeah so first she asked clemmer he was like no oh this is this is embarrassment porn exactly they asked mush he said no they asked me and i was like i i could maybe do one but i'm not trying to break my face yeah and then they're

like oh come on like it'd be funny i'm like i'm done like embarrassing myself like embarrassing porn you know what i mean yeah content the kick happened i'm gonna take a little hiatus on that one and um as they're walking away they're snickering you've never even talked to these girls before never yeah the last time you talked to these girls is when you fell kicking that bottle yes and screwed and screwed away so it's like three interns they're walking away giggling and the one just goes looks like you gotta hit the gym god damn man you gotta post her on do you rate me and it i'm looking at like the the the the most attractive girls who post on there this is their best the top response is 5.6 uh you could go without make and like that's them being very nice. And she says, thank you so much for the rate. Oh, my God.

These. Do you see the the usernames under the or like the I figure what they're called, but like they're labeled as like newbie intermediate. Oh, the tags you can have trusted raider. Trust it. This is horrible. Like Yelp reviews. Yeah. Like you have a score.

Pretty much. Yeah. You have like a title. yeah like you have a score pretty much yeah you have like a title mook depending on what the the prompt is tomorrow you might have to go back to the accounting world yeah i'm dude i'm debating it people will you burn those we gotta we gotta like pass around a w hat for you what what we gotta like like you know no yeah what did that mean oh no pass her like a double you know like you pass around i have to collect money for someone yeah yeah we gotta like i am i'm due i'll take that out jesus i'm due for a w yeah i i don't know i just want to make fun of mook here kyle you had a temple temper tantrum oh wait you had a temper tantrum last weekend. Yeah, I mean, I broke protocol, and I don't know what I was even saying on the episode.

I drank like a third of Pink Whitney and one and a half Pirate Waters. No, no, no. I'm not talking about that. One and five Michael Greers of Adderall. And, well, it's a domino effect. Willpower. Fucked. Resilience.

Fucked. Patience. Patience. Absolutely fucked. Backpacks. Lost. Broken. I went 0 for 3 on backpacks in one day.

I bet you no one has done that. Nobody. I went backpack to backpack to backpack in a span of like an hour how so i lost the first one when i get drunk i lose backpacks that's a given i've lost backpacks in probably seven different neighborhoods i've lost backpacks at restaurants bars rooftops i i moved to newpacks have you had this year? This year, not like probably like seven, but since Barstool, it was backpack after backpack. I would black out and just lose my backpack. And I set my backpacks down with the worst of them. I never set them down in the stupidest places thinking I will remember.

So I lost my regular, my-piece vans with three different pockets and i needed to go to saturday i needed to go to the bath house um and i need to bring a backpack because i have all my shit my sauna cap my flip-flops you wear the cap yeah it makes you so much it makes it so much more tolerable keeps your head cool right like my change of clothes my stizzies and for post post sauna stizzies are the best yeah if you want to start getting high try post sauna do you go to the smoking room in the bathhouse no i just like step out okay and yeah hit hard you'll get very high very easily um so i had to buy a new backpack because i lost mine go to journeys cop a standard black jan i uber or subway down to the bathhouse

area and i have to stop at duane reed to get a razor for what for my face yeah to shave my face to trim my face facial hair yeah and i buy it and i need to put the razor in the backpack whole thing breaks like no no no this one the zipper got stuck which is infuriating yeah i tried to rip it i googled how to unstick it you use pliers so i went to get i got pliers no you went to getstick it. You use pliers. So I went to get, I got pliers. No, you went to get pliers. I went to get pliers and the whole thing just ended up breaking. So I have a temper tantrum.

I'm on the, that's backpack number two. I'm on my knees in like an alley and five. I just fucking around with the back trying to rip it open. Then I get my second backpack from a gift gift shop. It's like a new york city backpack like i love new york break it instantly like the whole zipper just falls off and now i'm fucking yeah this is in the span of one hour yeah so then i like have to walk

have to carry it to the bathhouse like i'm holding a trout. Just buy one zipper. Yeah, I can't even wear it. So that happened. So what backpack do you have now? I found my old one. It was just at my desk. And you have another one over there. It was by Katie Stats' desk. Every time I see you, you have a different fucking backpack.

Yeah, fuck. Yeah. Three backpacks. Three backpacks one day. And how long did it take for you to calm down after that the sauna works well but no i was not calm at the sauna and i've realized i'm at my most trans in in the sauna what do you mean it's the dudes in the sauna put on these such phony displays of masculinity women will are They, they sit stoically silent and

they just take the heat. Men have to have to pounce around, add, they add water to the coals to make it hotter. And then like fan it around and like, we'll look around and make sure everyone's washing like, Oh yeah. And then they leave two minutes later. So you made it hotter for nothing. The sauna is 200 degrees. You don't need to. You're making it hotter for no reason just to look more manly. Yeah. Then you just leave.

Sit there and just take the heat that's already there for as long as you can. That's the goal. So you're trans when you go to the sauna? Yeah, like willingly. Yeah. i'm at my most trans okay when are you at your least women do it better when would you say you're at your least trans wrestling practice yeah yeah no women is doing what i do oh my god dude um jesus christ we need to figure out like you need to get the back Oh my God, dude. Jesus Christ.

We need to figure out, you need to get the back, you need to just get an Apple tag. Air tag. No. No? I've been tagged before and it felt so Yeah, but unwilling.

Humanizing. It was, yeah. How's Piper? Oh my God. She has a cone on her head. It was like cuddling with the Pixar lamp last night. The worst

part is instead of feeling sorry for her and sympathy, I was grossed out and unaroused. Whoa, wrong. Yeah, back up. I was never aroused, but I was especially disgusted.

Do you love your cat still? She had like the shaved chest with their like scar and nipples showing and the stupid plastic hard cone on the end. She was depressed, sedated. Like, yeah. So you took it like you don't like your, you don't like your cat anymore? I don't like feel, I don't think it was cute anymore. That was a phase. But like, are you going to be like sobriety?

Wait, so you're done with. I thought I loved her to death. So once she heals and the hair grows back, I hope I hope it comes back. We'll see. Yeah, of course. Oh, you mean like your lover? Yeah. It's up in the air, though.

Yeah, we'll see. No, I love her. Yeah, it was heartbreaking. No, I love her. Yeah. It was heartbreaking. Where'd she sleep last night? On the bed, but like she wasn't cuddly. It sucks. She's in pain.

Maybe. It's for the good. Have you any temper tantrums? Nah. You never like get real angry and like throw something or punch your your fist are you remembering something i don't know and i've never seen it no even when you're alone especially not what calms you down i think i'm always just kind of baseline i'm always just nervous all the time no i've just been playing ps2 and i'm alone doing it but i'm still pretending to like it do you actually like it don't think no it just it looks so bad good i have a 55 inch tv it

looks like absolute shit i'm trying i'm but like i'm trying to play kingdom hearts i'm just squinting and getting motion sick and i'm just like every time like a cut scene happens i pretend to be like nostalgia oh yes and i'm not having fun that's what i think all those nostalgia guys do like they don't but i'm doing it alone they're not yeah i'm not like streaming it and then i went to the game store with rudy the day after i went the first time i just got more shit why don't you just get the newer systems and play the newer game i could could easily. I think that would be actually fun. No. Okay.

Yeah, I thought. No, I'm convinced. I'm lying to myself. Any new board games? No. So I got that game, The Game. That's what I've been playing. So one player board games.

It's very, very, very sad world. I was really into them. I used to play this game called Friday. I have a couple other one player games. Close the box and now the game. And I would I would do these at the game convention, the board game convention. And it was the saddest thing. You'd go up to the table to rent it.

They would just be like, oh, all right. Like nobody was renting the one player games. So I was at the convention playing alone you were at the convention one player yeah that's how i learned about the game friday it's about escaping a deserted island um but now kyle's playing one-player games your games are like movies or sagas or journeys yeah i like simplicity more but this card game the game it's called, is super addicting, super solitaire. I mean, I guess. Yeah, I would recommend it. We got a response from the high school football coach. He was really, really cool.

Him and his wife were good sports. Yeah. And a shout out to them. Hell of a coach. It's part of the game. And I think I might continue with football coaches. Really? High school football coaches.

I think mayors are, it's so hard to pluck anything interesting. And I usually just go through every town in the area code. It's got to be a little fun. But football coaches, I think there's a lot more to work with. Because they're usually like douchebags. Yeah, Novikov was cool about it. Yeah, they're ready for heat check part two. Yeah, I think they passed the part two.

Oh, for sure. Yeah, yeah. No, no. Yeah. Fashion mom, coach Novikov. Put them on the list. Friends of Anus. Friends of this program.

And you passed. I'll revoke the failed heat check. Who else is a friend of anus brawley brawley who is josh potter brawley is the um he's the quadriplegic we don't want to try to find out another adjective i was trying to describe in a different way yeah he might roll through soon yeah he should he definitely should yeah yeah i'm trying how far is it from nimrod street forgot he lived on nimrod fuck on with jazz fuck on with jazz boy boy oh my god oh yeah i want i want him to come come in for sure before we go to Chicago. Yeah. Yeah.

What else is going, Kyle? Yeah, I've been keeping up the area code. Three fifty doesn't have one. Yeah. Not an area code. We revert back to and I didn't spend much time on this, but two one five. Mook, let's go. I've been waiting for this.

Two one five is Philly. Yeah. Sorry. Is that your area area it's too known of a place oh you you didn't do philly you i um i went to heat check the the football coach of the top program in the philly area and the state the st joe's st joe's prep 6a champs how many times beat harrisburg in the finals 42 to 7 nothing close their coach let's just say i made it one pick in and i had and i didn't have to there's no heat there's going to be no heat check from me wait there's nothing i can say oh god no not, not in a bad way. His name is Coach Roken. Tim Roken. Tim Roken, T underscore Roken.

How do you spell Roken? And you're going to see a profile pic or a proposal pic, and you're going to think it's an ad. It is the perfect man. How do you spell Roken? Oh, shit. T underscore R-O-K-E-N. Oh, my God.

Did he delete his profile? Oh, OK. Wow. Look at that proposal pick. It's perfect. I think it is. The alleyway, the light, the lit up trees. It's beautiful.

That alleyway is from like, I don't know the the hearts the cute dogs like the even the ring is glowing it's heartwarming um the fit though i don't think he's wearing like quilted he's wearing like podcast clothes podcast ad clothes i got one second we're good yeah so so no heat check on him he passed he passes he looks so happy he he's a stud good on him I thought he was a bottom five that he's a bonafide stud that's what you got

yeah that's it do you want to tell us That's what you got this week. Shit. Yeah, that's it. Do you want to tell us that Philly, who's the most famous people from Philly? Kevin Hart. Will Smith. Will Smith. Yeah.

Fuck, this is. Kobe. Kobe. He's from Italy and then lived in the main line. The main line is still Philly. Yeah, Kobe's Italian. I don't know. I'm trying to think. Meek Mill.

Meek. A little Uzi Bird. Who is Philly's guy, though? Is it Meek Mill? Yeah, it's definitely Meek or, I mean, the Birds. The Birds dominate. Jalen Hurts, A.J. Brown, Kelsey. Jason Kelsey is, like, a massive, just, he is Philly.

What about Nick Foles? Nick Foles, Big Dick Nick, yeah. We have a statue of him at a stadium. It has, like, the Bud Light logo on it, doesn't it? I think so. I'm not sure. Bob Saget. Bob Saget's Ph's philly pink i can't believe he died it seems like someone who's definitely still alive sylvester salome we got rocky

yeah i've got a bunch of bulls bunch of johns pink is named pink because uh her gay friend saw her pussy and he yelled it's pink it's true is that real yeah gay friend saw her pussy and he yelled it's pink it's true is that real yeah that's hot it is hot i find it you find her very hot just yeah i don't know something about her i didn't and that made her hotter dudes like you always marry pink why are you retracting right now why'd you retract i don't really i'm not like on i'm not lusting over pink no you can't lust over pink you could be not there you were pink the pink debate is always tough i don't think so she's just a hot woman she's like i don't she she could i could see like you have to ride around in like the sidecar of her harley that's what i like she looks like she

could play for the women's soccer team yeah u.s national team yeah she looks like a lesbian yeah but like a she just seems powerful. But the fact that her name comes from the color of her vagina. There's something hot about that. Yeah, there is. There is. What would your name be? Also pink.

Beige. What's up, guys? I'm also pink. I'm pink, too. I think there is a rap. Pink Sweats is from Philly, I think. Am I mistaken? Who rap Pink Sweats is from Philly I think Am I mistaken? Who's Pink Sweats?

I think he collabed with Rest in Peace, PNB Rock I've memorialized that man more than anyone From Philly PNB? Publicly? I always bring him up Rest in Peace, PNB No one's ever like, yeah, man.

Everyone's just like, oh. All right. See, this is it. I liked him, but there are diehards in Philly that are like, PNB was going to be next up. Yeah. It's a shame. Here, Kyle. What do we got?

Oh, you guys need to hear this right now. I know a lot of my clients broke protocol with me. Mistake. Horrible mistake. But this show is sponsored by BetterHelp. There's a lot of times when you feel uncertain in life. Me, when I broke protocol, I was like, what am I even living for now that I'm not in pursuit of anything? like, what am I even living for now that I'm not in pursuit of anything? That's fake. But I did. I could have used better help. I could have used someone to talk to sometimes in life. We're faced with tough choices and the path forward isn't always clear. Whether you're dealing with decisions around a career, like moving to Chicago, relationships, like your perfect one or anything else. Therapy helps you stay connected to what you really want while you navigate life. So you can move forward with confidence and excitement.

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uh soccer circle jerk oh i thought it was just our soccer that would be cool yeah somebody throws up on there and uh it's a lot it's a lot of english banter a lot of lads um but a lot of these guys didn't get it and some u.s fans who the hell are these guys shaming us actual u.s fans oh my god that's what i was thinking since when did barstow enter soccer the tiktok comments are different first off i't even, I vaguely remembered this conversation. How? Oh, you were so wasted. I know, I think I get the gist, like

man, man, United, man, United. Wait, you were that drunk? You're pretty eloquent. I also, like, yeah, I just lose memory when I do something performative. Really? I can't remember afterwards. So when I do something performative. Really? I can't remember afterwards.

So like your entire job. Yeah. I will do a podcast and forget anything I said. That's nice. Kind of. Yeah. Kind of horrible, though. I've done thousands of these.

Yeah, true. Your sister's going to end up as a co-worker isn't she oh this yeah i got in a fight with my mom um i don't know why i why i said that just now over what it was every everyone's online um you're everybody in your family is way more internet personality my my uncle and grandma's podcast is starting to gain traction on facebook she's like they're like they're really have a theme now they're diving into like different um bands like and like analyzing their lyrics and they're doing well um is it still a private facebook group she's very cogent and sound with her anal and analytics analysis analysis she needs to link up with anthony fantano

yeah that's what she's on that then like my dad of course he's he's towing the line in some areas with his car what was he doing yesterday he was choosing the hottest usa women's basketball player and he chose the center all right yeah no i'm fine i think that's funny what did he say that i'm fine with it oh yeah that's what i like that's what i like he's posting his porn yeah um and my mom like people are texting my mom which i shouldn't even bring up oh yeah yeah there was it was like about a couple years ago she was just responding with you said she fell in love with one of our fans yeah they like yeah and someone after the last episode someone texted her like mrs bauer you know your son's back on porn and that like broke me i was like this sucks for so many reasons it was like it sucks that you

found her number you're telling her that my mom is hearing that and seeing that information my mom is telling that information to me like i like what do you want me to say to that you know there's wins and lose loses that was the first ever octo loss yeah that was everyone lost everyone lost and especially yeah did your mom call you or text you was like hey i just got this text and it was like some guy was like your son's back on poor i was like and i got so angry i was at who at everything what is my what is my doing everything is public now so what did your mom respond to him i don't know she definitely did yeah probably what did you what did you say back to her i ignored it for a while and then just said weird just wanted to stop so that that person's had your mom's number for how long and he had so many things to

tell her and he finally decided like the worst part is like i i was so angry because that is something that i am ashamed of, and it's true. It's like your worst fear growing up and it's in you intrinsically is your mom catching you watching porn, masturbating. And that was like... You thought you finally got out of bed. Yeah, I got out of that realm of my life

where I don't have to worry about my mind. It's like that. That's how she found out. Yeah, so your mom and your dad. So you're like drinking. You're getting wasted again. Your mom, your dad and your sister and your sister is just she's posting young photos of you. And you were playing a character named like what was his name?

Roger Chan. Yeah. She found the archive of like old tapes. We were. You were Roger Chan, but you weren't playing an Asian no we were progressive yeah I was a six year old white Roger Chan

and you drew a mustache on your face and there's a photo of you honoring the 9-11 victims yeah you haven't changed at all we can't uncover the nature as we know it series that would be bad what's nature yeah i would film that we would film everything everything was content content content content your family could all work here easily including your grandma and your uncle

you can join her newsletter this is oh i'm a member of her newsletter now that it's out now that it's out to you i guess yeah join her newsletter you might as well help her out maybe don't mean she has a donation link maybe donate no she uh yeah she's uh she's a really good writer yeah um i is your mom is your grandma's Facebook page public? Hold on. What else do we got while I look? What's the name of it? You Can't Handle the Truth.

You Can't Handle the Truth. It might be on YouTube. No way. Oh, no. Yeah. Would you quit if your whole family worked here that would be so weird yes dude who in your family doesn't do content my cousin jack bauer he doesn't do anything internet no he's just a cool filipino dude he chills and uh you're a filipino cousin yeah yeah he doesn't do it he doesn't do content so that's it every other one of you guys do yeah

do you clown him for not doing content um i haven't seen him in a while no no i met him you never met him yes i did he came to your place when i over coveted oh he didn't yeah he was going through a breakup what yeah unless your dad lied to me what did my dad say he said be nice to him he's going through a breakup donnie told i don't know that that happened oh that didn't happen yeah donnie told me your dad lies a lot he said he met your dad and uh he came up to him and he was all sweaty he's like yeah i just came back from wrestling practice which is believable but like yeah he doesn't like even smirk when he says that to straight like first time meeting someone and yeah, they're going to believe you.

They're not going to expect sarcasm. Yeah, that was over COVID and I was at your place a lot over COVID and you were a different breed during that time. You should have Papa John's man your dick. I was in alcoholism. Yeah yeah it was kind of

fun well how did that happen papa john's man came up on the deck because we were playing cards on the deck ordered papa john's and kyle was wasted and you know me on a deck it's like it's like the average person drinking in a hot tub i something about a deck gets you crazy yeah that's um and uh kyle you were how did you end up showing the guy your dick uh like kind of coolly i was way too confident about that i think you were like trying to reach for tip money you went pocket out pocket out and you pulled your dick out or something like that yeah that sounds cool it's the coolest way you could do it we gotta get you on a deck do you have a deck in chicago it's like a patio but i'm terrified of heights how are you high up yeah 20 so you're not gonna go are you gonna use it oh yeah i'll

probably grill on there or something you You're not going to grill? Boy, my girlfriend will. She cooks great. Chicago, Chegg, you got a place? Got a place. I applied. Waiting to hear. You're still waiting.

You've been pending for a while. Yeah. Mook? I've been dropped by another broker. How does that work? I called a broker, told her my specifications and within three minutes she said, uh, I only deal with luxury, uh, apartments. So, um, I'll set you up with someone else essentially. At least that's better than the last one that

ghosted you. Yeah. But she's going to ghost me too. She's not gonna, I haven't heard from her. She won't. Don't worry. I'll talk to her. But yeah, I mean, I'll figure it out. I'm taking next week. We're off next week. I'm going to find a place. Good. Yeah.

Fully going to find a place next week. I'm very excited. I need a fresh start. Clean slate will feel good. Yeah. What is your, Nick, birthday's best birthday party? Best birthday party was a creek birthday. You just go

out. Everybody goes in the creek. Except swimming. Yeah. It was just out in the creek. Rope swing. Our creek is most places river. We have a thick creek.

Any other birthday memories um oh nope yeah yeah that's how they go yeah that's it do you like your birthday no hate it i hate mine too yeah i don't like it's i didn't pick it i don't i dude the person the person that like made birthdays a thing probably just was like wanted a father's day but he was like a single like i don't know why they're a thing they're anniversaries of your life i'm not for it they make sense to me i'm not for it what about you kyle what's your best birthday um 10th what we rented out my aunt's

basement. He had a nice basement. Early 2000s when if you had people were starting to have nice basements. We had a Madden and NBA live tournament

with brackets. We had trophies, awards awards how'd you do that shit's on the creek i think i know it doesn't yeah it was the best that's nothing that was probably the happiest like xbox just came out ps2 just came out we had both we were playing both in a tournament oh my god we watched signs and then pranked each other at night when we were asleep in the sleeping bags that's living that's By pranks, did you mean sleepovers were just gay? Yeah, we just humped each other. We would hump each other, moan,

and then when someone would fall asleep, we would hump them and moan. And then take a break by lighting something on fire. It's every sleepover. Did you have one kid that got naked? Well, it was always Carter Hoffman. I'm not going to throw him under the bus because we were all. We were always like Carter's the humping guy.

Carter's the humping guy. Yeah, he was. But that day we were all humping guys. It's a celebration. Was that like across the US? Just every sleepover was gay? Everyone went feral. Watching porn. Eating pizza, pizza candy it was nuts yeah god do you think that basements like i picture that as the

heyday basements but that may be just because we were kids do you think kids still fuck with basements i don't think kids fuck with basements as much jesus i don't i don't know because we fucked with basements that was. Basements were the best. No rules, and they were always cold. I feel like the unfinished ones were kind of fun. They were the best. Oh, yeah. You feel like the unfinished ones were the best for parties?

I would just skateboard there. Skateboard. We played roller hockey in basements. That's what I did, too. We had an unfinished basement, and we played hockey down there. Denver probably had some cool basements. Ice cold. Yeah.

Like, temperature-wise, or just cool? No, like, cool. Yeah, no, there were some really high- cool basements. Ice cold. Yeah. Like temperature wise or like just cool? Yeah, no, there were some really high quality basements. Really high quality basements. Yeah, I'm curious. I'm sure kids do. They have to. Where the fuck else are they going to go? Yeah.

I don't know. We're not that removed. No. Nick is, but. Oh, fuck off. You're the same exact age as me. No, I'm not. What year were you born?

93. Shit. Yeah, bitch. Yeah. Dude. fuck off you're the same exact age as me what year were you born 93 shit yeah bitch yeah dude as soon as that clock struck like 10 yeah yeah everybody's dicks were out dude i i don't know if i'm talking about this like every party like they popped on the porn yep and then you turned and like one kid started jerking off and it was like a waterfall but like i remember uh my buddy devin started jerking off once and uh we all looked and like some people like joined in but devin like they divvy up blankets and he got the shitty like

quilted afghan so you just saw him jerking off it just had those big holes in it yeah it was like bubble burn but just you can see right through those holes are huge i guess he's jerked off in front of us i never joined that game yeah me neither we were more just like sporty humping yeah yeah yeah yeah i don't know anything that just caught your eyesight too like a random pillow? Anything? Yeah. Oh, yeah. It was insane, dude. And we were 10. We didn't even

know what sex was. It was just the movement. There were like two types of kids. There was the one kid, the chaos kids that were doing the humping and the kids that were just fearing for their lives. I always right i was fearful i was kind of both remarkably fearful like uh strikes of pain i was in the locker room at the bathhouse and i was like wow this is so nice to not have to worry about someone hurting me when i'm naked yes no one going to whip me with a towel or throw soap in my face

or hump me. Five stars. I was like, this is so nice. When did the humping stop? Because I realized I get nervous every time I walked into the locker room. Like a pang of anxiety. I was like, that's from years of getting pranked.

It's like being on the jackass set. Yeah. It was so scary. The feeling you get in a locker room is the same as when you're walking through a bad neighborhood. Yes. It's got the exact same. Just be aware and you get in a locker room is the same as when you're walking through a bad neighborhood. Yes. It's got the exact same.

Just be aware, and you'll be fine. It is right, because you're also simultaneously trying to look cool as if you're not worried, but you're petrified. I saw a TikTok of an Amazon delivery guy. It's just a group of black people having a party, and he just sprints down the... He sprints to his van van and everyone just laughs at him that's so bad dude my biggest fear is i live near a bunch of hasidic jews and they are constantly outside because they don't have ipads or yeah they're always doing so all the kids always have scooters they're constantly outside and they just flood the sidewalk and my biggest fear

is like a lot of times i'll cross the street one in fear because it's awkward like going through them and then two because i'm like fearful that they're gonna if they start laughing at me that's got to be one of the worst feelings like oh yeah then they start with like in a different language thing you yeah yeah now that this now that's a wave oh yeah shit yeah and your haircut is the exact opposite of a hasidic jew yes exactly oh yeah you fill out the pieces yeah exactly yeah i know we're like a puzzle yeah yeah oh my god yeah dude we used to watch we used to get like the little portable d we used to steal pornos from uh the airport you remember how they used to come with dvds in them you ever see that airport had one one kid like

figured out that like the old like brookstone or whatever the store is in the airport the they had have pornos in them but then a lot of time they would have a dvd in the sleeve oh the magazines yeah yeah the magazines and so we had one kid that saw or like just figured it out he's like he just would steal them yeah and then it would then we would get to like for a hockey trip it would just be like the situation room it was like 10 guys hold around like a four inch screen yeah no no i uh i never got into like group masturbation me neither but we would watch sometimes yeah you would watch i never no i would never join in with like the boys jerking off i was just right next to him just spotter just all on yeah on one sectional uh dude it was like an activity

like i remember going to my boy's house when his parents weren't home finding his dad's like hustler magazines and be like all right you go to the that bathroom i go to this bathroom yes i didn't have the capability i went through puberty so late i did too yeah i was shooting blanks for sure yeah yeah i i definitely too, but it was a good time. Dude, I had a big time clowning. One of the most embarrassing moments of my life. We were at my buddy's place. We did an airsoft war.

All the fellas. 12 of us. One kid brought a smoke grenade. It was like a big one. A real, like a real grenade? No, like a smoke grenade. A real smoke grenade. Yeah, a real smoke grenade.

I don't know what that is. Like smoke bomb yeah okay yeah and uh anyways so one kid dude that's the last thing i thought you're gonna get the longest leash for people considering you smart i mean it's very compartmentalized like my iq should have sub iq yeah yeah i'm like crazy low in some areas but at one point one kid made a joke he's like oh yeah i'm gonna give myself a hand job tonight like responding to someone else and i was very late on everything i didn't know what a hand job was i thought a hand job was one like a girl like made out with your hand which makes no sense how old were you uh at that time i was probably like 11 or 12 far too old i was yeah i was kind of naive to everything too yeah super naive and then it was like a movie scene where the one kid kind of stops. He's like, I was like, why would you do that?

Why would you give yourself a hand job? And he's like, what? What? I was like, what do you mean? I was like, why would you like make out with your own hand? And he's like, wait, what'd you just say? Oh, the boys probably pounced. He kind of fucked up, too.

Is he just talking about jacking off? Yeah, jacking off. But he was trying to be playful. He was slanging it up. Oh that's embarrassing bad because he was he was like being cool like making jokes about jerking off and i'm like completely in a different fucking galaxy it's tough and then i do the dumb thing of like innocently asking a question when i could have just easily let it slide and i and then he's like wait hold on wait what'd you just say and i was like i was like and i like repeated and then everyone got in, wait, hold on. Wait, what'd you just say? And I was like, I was like, and I like repeat. And then everyone got in on it.

And at one point, at one point, it was like one of those clowning where you just start walking away to the other side of the park. Yeah, you just have to leave the clowning. Oh, it's so bad. You just have to leave the clowning. Yeah, you just like start like trying to get distance like out of earshot. But we're in a closed in backyard. It was one of the most embarrassing moments of my life. Do you have any like that?

Hell no. I think I, um, it was like Britney Spears and like Christina Aguilera kissed at one of the most embarrassing moments do you have any like that hell no i think i um it was like britney spears and like christina aguilera kissed at one of the awards and i didn't know like i thought that we were supposed to think that's gross and i got clowned for thinking that's hot i was like oh that's i thought that was gross yeah any gay activity was considered gross that's that's bad. Man, I have to have some. They all blend together.

Yeah, yeah. Yeah, what about you? Plenty. More than I can count, yeah. Yeah, there has to be some. You had one this week with the push-ups. Dude, I wrote a list. I took three to five L's this week i didn't even i never seen oh yeah well you this weekend you were at the the barstool philly bar barstool philly so yeah so they had like the mean girls they had hannah cook tommy taylor will

che um roan they sent a bunch of people out to the barstool nashville bar yep but then they sent you and clemmer to the barstool philly bar they did not send us that was i'm a guest at the barstool philly bar not even like i'm just a normal patron there yeah did you wait in line you're a guest in the culture a guest in the culture i roll up with the with the fellas and then i look to my right and i see a solo ch Chris Clemmer slivering his way through all the people. And he was like, yeah, I'm going to go ask for a table. I was like, don't do that. And they were like, yeah, if you want a table, Clemmer, you're going to have to pay $500.

Oh, he was going to try to snag a table. Yeah, he was going to try to get a table. So did your friends drag you there hoping that you'd get free drinks or something? I do get in at the door. No way. Yeah. So you don't have to wait in line. I don't have to wait in line.

But that's cool. My usual person wasn't there. So he was like, yeah, show me your proof of employment. How do you do that? I was like pulling up tick tocks and go to the barstool store. I showed him my email. It was like, yeah, you're sure. Another embarrassing moment.

The shirt. Yeah. My body was wearing. My body was wearing the shirt. That's cool. Look him and he's like i need more yeah that doesn't mean what else did you take because that doesn't sound like any l uh the other l was uh so i'll go in chronological order saturday night uh my buddy came in last place in our uh fantasy football league oh yeah so his punishment was to do stand-up oh he's not a comedian not a comedian Saturday night, my buddy came in last place in our fantasy football league. Oh, yeah. So his punishment was to do stand up.

He's not a comedian. Not a comedian. That's horrible. Normal dude. He was like stoked for it. He was confident, which. Yeah, it's good. And he bombed.

Yeah, of course. He bombed. I got him on. Did he like try to make it very good? Yes. Was it an open mic? He has a good punish. So the punishment was open mic but we fooled

him i got him booked on like a normal show oh my god yeah how long that's fucked up to the people that paid for tickets yeah it was kind of like electric though because everyone was just clowning him did he at least say like hey this is my punishment for fantasy football yeah but then he started talking about our league and everyone was like what the fuck are you doing he was getting booed it was awesome oh my god how long did he have to go for he went for like three minutes that's still that's in a fucking eternity so yeah and like every other comic was clowning him after that but the place where we did it and the producer like my friends like from philly oh yeah philly comedians and so at the end of the night they're like wrapping up the show and they're like oh and give it up for mook mooks here and like the boys started you know the the

room was like whatever the mook they they said mook yeah a lot of those yeah he's getting moved and he's like mook get up here tell a joke oh mook get up here tell a joke and and like the crowd's going like yeah well you're a comedian get up there but the show's over it's kind of dead you know it's been an hour and a half the show's done and they've forced me on stage i get dragged up on stage and they're like tell a joke that's and i was like dude no and i was like trying to cop out of it so hard i started like you know doing other things and they're like you're not leaving until you tell a joke and it's like 20 of my friends that's the worst situation ever yeah that's horrible it's 20 of my closest friends how many of them have seen your set all of them all of them yeah and it's an intimate room so i'm right next to like my best friend the girl my philly queen like all these

like people that i know your philly queen and i have to deliver like a one-liner and it just fell so but no one wins in that situation because you can't just say oh like here's my one-liner nobody wants it what was the one-liner i i can't i don't want to i don't want to say it i don't want to say it at all but i i what was the premise of the one-liner uh it's about love on the spectrum you know the uh yeah the show yeah yeah um and uh it it like fell like it was like a make-a-wish clap like and i just ran out of the room oh yeah i immediately dipped and what did your philly has your philly queen ever seen you perform yeah okay yeah um so that was another l that's the i i carry that with me every day um and then the third l sunday night you're unintentionally like doing incredibly on the

protocol yeah like putting yourself in these this is what like the guys in the huberman subreddit this is what they're trying to find like situations that are that uncomfortable yeah but my thing is i think i'm comfortable and then i just get fucked because like i'm you're building a tolerance for that like type of discomfort that you'll yeah you're you put yourself in some really uncomfortable situations yeah every day that's awesome no it's not yeah it is because one day everything's just going to be easy right because when you like when you're in chicago and like you're hopping on a podcast or doing content a video it's you're not going to feel nerves yeah i will say the bracket yesterday i felt way more comfortable you were crushing my first very funny go watch that it was a good time um but the the third and last and then i'll shut up um i was in the philly amtrak

and a guy pulled up next to me with a Bible and a bottle of lube in the bathroom stalls. What? I saw that picture. I was in a stall. Oh, yeah. This guy was taking a shit next to you. I was taking a quick shit before my train back to here. Wait, were you shitting at the train station?

Yeah. That's a low level. That has to be the dirtiest bathroom on earth. It is disgusting. It's got to be. So you had a really shit. It was an E shit. I spent the whole day eating like barbecue at my family's house.

What's an E shit? An E shit? An emergency shit. I thought it was an e shit i spent the whole day eating like barbecue at my family's house what's an e shit e shit an emergency shit i thought it was like digital yeah it sounds way e is way more like online digital yeah you're right it's like a vape for poop um is that what you said on stage if you guys are to these e shits what is that a vape for and i'm just trying to shit and this guy pulls up with a bible and the stall next to the stall next to me i can see it i can see his shoes bible and an open bottle of lube and i'm like please don't do it please don't do it he picks up the lube and just starts going to town jerking off to the bible dude it's probably wasn't open but it's just on the ground probably more common to jerk off in a train station bathroom than shit yeah that's the

place to do it yeah yeah yeah he was probably pissed at you for shitting yeah oh this guy he's like ew he has a picture of your shoes he's gonna tangle what a fucking gross ass motherfucker do you believe it i think i heard this guy wiping his ass next to me disgusting trying to jerk off yeah he was like making noises and shit man like moaning yeah and then i didn't even wrap up my shit i just ran out of the bathroom who cares so wait not wrapping up your shit is not wiping yeah it was like a half wipe half wipe yeah yeah i had to wipe on the train and oh my god it's been a week of l's dude i am you're due i'm due i can't i need a break you're gonna you're gonna start getting allegations of this is like a fetish for you so we you need to

you need to either lean into that or get a grand w like i'm addicted to pain or i need a big come up that yeah or something real like you're gonna accidentally send a picture of your dick to the group chat that won't happen those don't exist all right i don't do that but yeah we'll see what happens let's go to the beach this week i'm so yeah let's do it rudy you want to go beach i'd love to let's do it read going home shit yeah yeah that works all right boys all right guys god bless happy birthday nick thank you