A New Untold Story - Krayytum, Pewcrak, & Untelmi - A New Untold Story: Ep. 319

Episode Date: November 24, 2022

No podcast has ever done a deeper a dive on William D. Cox we can guarantee you that. Ads: Gametime Download the Gametime app at https://barstool.link/GametimeApp and redeem code UNTOLD for $20 off your first purchase (terms apply). Manscaped Get 20% off and free shipping with code ANUS at https://barstool.link/ManscapedBSS SoCo Learn more at https://barstool.link/SouthernComfortBSS Raycon Get $20 off Raycon Fitness Earbuds and unlock an additional 15% off with the code on the page at https://barstool.link/RayconANUSYou can find every episode of this show on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or YouTube. Prime Members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. For more, visit barstool.link/anuspodcast

Hey, a new untold story, listeners, you can find every episode on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or YouTube. Prime members can listen to ad free on Amazon Music. Kyle, we've been recording. We were talking about your tech deficiencies. You recorded that? Dude, my mouse died. It had a battery. I didn't even know mice used battery. Of course they do. I had to bust out this and this.

Is that a box of wires? I feel like I'm permanently in the 90s, dude. You fucking hate wires, dude. It's like seven miles of water. Are you in a nursery right now? The webcam comes out. It ejects from the PC. You're on a desktop right now?

Yeah. Okay, and you're in North Carolina, right? Yep. What's your shirt? Let me know when we're starting. We're like 10 minutes into the podcast. Oh, all right you want me to reject your reply to what i'm gonna say no you're just gonna say like

no that's a new one told story hey is that story old or told no baby it's a new untold story I knew I told you. It's a fresh, big, untold story. I knew I told you. Yeah, keep the headset on. I think his shirt is like a periodic table, but it says sarcasm. Yeah. Um,

I ran, I forgot to pack clothes. I just packed goodies and knickknacks. What did you? Yeah. Yeah. Isn't that what broke your computer was raspberries. Oh man. Um,

Kyle, while you're connecting first sponsor of the day we know what it is game time uh i just used game time a couple days ago steelers bangles uh freezing cold i butchered typing the ad um i'm glad they came back after that my hands were so frozen but the seats were great uh game times created by fans for fans like us um if you haven't given game time a shot yet download it just peruse what they have to offer it's really easy to use uh download the game time app go to the account tab to create a login and redeem code untold u-n-t-o-l-d for 20 off your first purchase download game time last minute tickets lowest price guaranteed um recording the ad and the stands though i did kind of feel like

a douchebag but hey what are you gonna do yeah i think i think you're good enough you think yeah we all sound pretty we sound sound better than if solely was recording. Yeah. I'll touch it up in premiere too. All right. Um, we'll be good. Uh,

how is everything though? KB you back? Yeah. So I was at planet fitness and I got an Uber home and the guy was one minute away for like 15 minutes. i looked at his profile it says he has 1800 trips in a 4.99 rating so i was like motherfucking this guy couldn't wait to drop his number finally cancels automatically i get a new one we're driving out of like the strip mall lot and there is a car overturned completely totaled and it was this guy

no yeah i think he died no he didn't die no that's a lie. He did not die. Did he? No, that didn't happen. Oh, Jesus Christ. God damn. That was exciting, though. What? Did you message him? Yeah, I think I accidentally gave him the wrong

meet-up point. Yeah, I think that's more on you. You and technology. Do you have any news written kyle uh yes yeah you want me or you to go first mine already go no i didn't go no i didn't go okay mine is more of a story okay so yeah so i don't i feel like you've kind of lost track of what the news is yeah that's all right that's all right i'll do it i've just been going i know what it is i'm i'm going through i'm trying to make it work. It's, it's kind of a bitch. Yeah, I get it.

But, uh, no, I want, I'm excited to hear your story. Um, but I'll, I'll just do the news headlines.

I'll keep it the classic way and I'll let you express yourself. You're on your version. Um, those headphones are fucking funny. Yeah. Jesus. Are they Bluetooth? Like, could you listen to music and walk around yeah this is well we are current we're currently on bluetooth that's how we're speaking right now sure no but like can they connect to your phone and everything yeah yeah yeah so i'm gonna try

that out i'd love to see you forget your other headphones and wear those to the gym. So we drove from New Jersey and I had to drive this the second half. So at night, my dad had to troll Brittany Mahomes. So I'd grab the wheel. Jesus, I drove from Richmond to Raleigh, but it it may as well have been Poughkeepsie to Panama. It was you're an awful driver. It may as well have been Poughkeepsie to Panama. You're an awful driver. We've talked about that recently, but you also can't see.

Yeah, no, I drive like a shark with a cold hunts. There is no like none of my senses. Why did you drive? Because I had to. My dad was he did the first half. do the second half he can't do the whole thing it's like a nine hour trip we had a troll no but why did you drive over flying

oh he had his car he was visiting my grandma uh i gotcha got home three and a half inch enchiladas that was a mistake started shitting filthy you don't eat three and a half enchiladas you don't even eat three you don't eat two and a half either you eat two or one are you an enchilada guy or is this a new thing no it's just like a dirty burrito well i think do you take a lot of people fuck up the first time they eat it and don't take that corn wrap off yeah no they were good you just can't eat three and a half so did you have to pull over to shit anywhere no this was when i finally arrived home after a fast oh okay okay that's tough um all right did your dad actually troll britney mahomes

all right did your dad actually troll britney mahomes yeah he was trying he's i think if you look his current persona is like a chief super super fan oh yeah he goes back to the chief super fan a lot yeah but he also is like sympathetic towards refs yeah um he loves the red. I'll get into my news. Alabama is pausing lethal injections after the third failed lethal injection. If they wanted something that would really kill them, they should try Kyle's mom's cooking. I only heard the punchline. It says my internet connection is unstable. But did you write that before i told you about the enchiladas she made oh she i didn't know she made the enchiladas oh yeah yeah they were homemade yeah oh yeah yeah i wrote that beforehand i've had your mom's cooking before uh if i had to i would

rather have a bowl of silica gel than I cannot wait for her to hear this, but no, I've been, I've been saying the same thing. The enchiladas were good though. Just can't eat. Gastric distress. The iCloud has a bug across all Apple products that has been corrupting photo and video files. Apple has a bug. I bet it's a worm. Yeah, we're leveling up. We're leveling up.

Locals have been jumping lines into the World Cup games. And when they're confronted, they get aggressive saying that, you know, they're in their country. Locals should be allowed to enter first. it to cutter to not respect lines jumping in front jumping in jumping in the front of the lines um michael j fox delivers laughs and tears while accepting a high honor. Delivering laughs and tears is fine as long as he isn't delivering soup during a celebrity server. Burn is probably getting burnt. Burn a lot of people.

Did he spill the whole damn soup? That shit would be flying. Splish. That's all I have because I've been too engrossed playing the new Pokemon game. We'll get to that. Let's start with my awards of the week.

Oh, yeah, your awards. Dickhead of the week, no-brainer. It's Zigzagoon. You saw that coming from a mile away, dude. I'm talking about the quadrupedal raccoon-like Pokemon. Yeah, Zigzagoon's awesome. That was a no-brainer for Dickhead of the Week. Why?

Another podcast probably did it. Name three pros. I just named a con. Name three pros of Zig Zagoon. So the new Zig Zagoon that evolves into Obstagoon, it's shiny. It's fucking awesome. It's a really unique colorway. It has a brown and tan.

It's brown and tan. Yeah, but it evolves into a live noon, but then it gets a new version in Sword and Shield where it evolves into an Obstagoon. It's a third evolution. Dickheads of the week zigzagoon and suda wudu those are the two dude that have one two i want you to look at it to their wikipedia add it to their wikipedia page no don't don't add it to the wikipedia that they want dick is it added to the update zigzagoon zigzag. So every Pokemon game needs their version of a Rattata. And that is Silver and Gold's Rattata.

Rudy. Is it the low level? Youngsters can catch it? What? Zigzagoon. Dope or nope? Zigzagoon. I'm looking at it right now and I do like

Honey Badgers and it seems a lot like a Honey Badger. It's a raccoon, Rudy. It's a raccoon. The line it evolves into is more of a ferret. It's not. It's not even a... No, it's a Pokemon. I think that it looks pretty cool.

Look at Obstagoon. Look at Obstagoon. It's bipedal. That's not Zigzagoon. Zigzagoon evolves into that, you fucking dickhead. Yeah, but it's not Zigzagoon. But you can look cool and be cool. No, you can't look at this Pokemon and tell me it looks cool.

Oh, it's a normal type Pokemon. What is that even? It's height is like... It's 1 foot 4, 39 pounds. Its category is tiny raccoon. It's not even an average sized... Its weakness is fighting. Its weakness is fighting.

Fighting is a type. Fighting is... I don't think normal has a weakness to fighting. You can't even fight. Yes, it can. It doesn't evolve. It evolves to Linowon. Linoon or Linoon.

Yeah, whatever. All right. Its ability is gluttony. 39 pounds. That's your best skill? 39-pound glutton of a raccoon. Zigzagoon. Dickhead of the week. Stamp it it you piss me off so much dude

all right we'll just speed through the rest flora of the week is the baobab tree if you don't know what it is google it now b-a-o-b-a-b this tree had me giggling last night it's it's one of the most ridiculous looking trees i've ever seen it It's only in Madagascar. I could look at Baobab trees. It is ridiculous. Look at him. Look how stupid he looks. Dude, this is like a kindergartner's drawing. Look at

Baobab. How is this not a dickhead of the week? Floor of the week. Easy. Easy floor of the week for the Baobab tree. Music. You floor of the week for the baobab tree uh music you was at the club by the boy boy west coast and see through by the band camino that was like the viral uh the guy with the really dark eyebrows so i didn't know he existed until today and i was like oh that's kind of a catchy song you're like an internet based guy how did you miss him i i

completely missed it i think it was more like in the Latin community. Well, he was a flash in the pan. He disappeared. Yeah. I think he got into some, uh, some pedophilia,

um, crossword 24 minutes, 57 seconds a day. Pretty bad, but no checks, uh, mentality. I'm sober going on three weeks,

still on the lion's mane extract. Don't know if it's doing anything now. Might be a placebo. But I've been nicer. I've had a flash of moral righteousness and donated $17 to Wikipedia. They kind of guilted me. I thought it was the least I could do. What page were you looking at when you donated? Larry King's, and this is my Wikipedia find of the week.

He was married eight times. That's insane. All right. Wow. I was trying to do the news. So I went to like today in history. Yeah. And I got sidetracked.

The first one I read or like the one of the first three was on this day in 1943 philadelphia philly's owner william d cox is permanently banned from baseball his days for having bet on his own team his name is Willie D. Cox. Penis, penis, penis. He's the owner of the PPs. But I went and researched him. He might be the biggest man of all

time. He might be the biggest alpha of ever. William D. Cox. Let me tell you about Willie D. Cox. In 1941, he entered the sports

world by buying the New York Yankees of the third American football league, not the baseball team. Oh. He bought those Yankees. He then became president of the entire league before even coaching a game and changed the team's name to the New York Americans. Then World War II happens.

He shuts down the league and ends up supplying all of the pylons used to reinforce the Panama Canal during the war. So he said, fuck that. Reinforce the Willie, Willie D Cox reinforced the Panama, the biggest, the most famous canal in the world. Then in 1943,

he bought the Philadelphia Phillies for $80,000. I know it's the forties, but that's still dirt cheap. He was only 33, the youngest owner in the league by far. Well, how did he get his money? He was a lumber magnate as well. He graduated.

Willie D Cox. He was a lumber magnate. He worked with Big Wood for a living. That was his side job. So he took over the Phillies. He's only 33. He doesn't know shit about baseball. At the time, the Phillies were terrible, the dregs of the National League.

For a quarter century, they only finished above 500 once. So they were terrible. He started making big purchases. He hired Bucky Harris, a legend, a two-time World Series champion. He hired him as the manager. And then it says Cox was a very hands-on owner. He tried to run the Phillies with the same strict regimen with which he ran his lumber company. So this is the next part. This guy Cox, he thought of himself as a star athlete and routinely practiced with the players while dressed in full uniform.

He would force his pitchers to throw him batting practice, which would on occasion take up the majority of the team's practices, and he would frequently show up to the clubhouse after the game to harass the players for poor performances. On one occasion, he fined a player for not scoring from second on a single and he and he excused it by saying when i blow off steam it's for the betterment of my club this he's an asshole so then bucky harris is like fuck this guy protests his interference william cox fires him he fires the legend hall of famer bucky harris and then

hires his high school track coach because he believed the team needed to be better conditioned well he frequently gets into spats with umpires. And then finally he gets caught. Bucky Harris retaliates. He tells the league that Cox is betting on games. Cox says, yeah, I was. I didn't know that was against the rules. He claimed that he only made bets on hats, cigars, and dinners. Yeah, he was then banned from the sport of baseball.

The last owner to ever be banned. Right there. That's the story of William D. Cox. Yeah, dude. I like that. That's good, man. How did you stumble upon him? On the

Today in History. Oh, yeah. See, that was so long I forgot five minutes ago. That was the longest moment of my life. I think I blacked out with rage that you don't like Zig Zagoon. I think Zig Zagoon is kind of classic.

No, no. So I told you to design a better Pokemon. Did you do it? What? In our texts, I was like, if you could do better,

design a better Pokemon. That's not my job. No, but you like, if somebody, somebody designs Pokemon for a living, I would love that job yeah that's their job and they fucked it up with the tree guy and zigzag pseudo widow is awesome uh you should look at bondsley what it evolves from it's cute little

sapling um the new pokemon came out you would love it except for the pokemon i will admit the designs of them they've run out of ideas completely there's one they made a tree that's not a tree like a car and that was the second generation then one of them now is just what are we on now one of them now like the eighth or ninth so they were at tree on second generation like 2002 now there was one now that's just a tumbleweed

it doesn't have any other features it is just a straight up tumbleweed doesn't have eyes a mouth just a tumbleweed so they're just doing whatever well I don't think you can name a single thing that hasn't named something um name a thing it's already yeah i'm trying to i'm trying to think i didn't even plan this i would flip my computer around but it's plugged in but my mom has uh an

old-timey set of keys that's already a pokemon she has like a bell for christmas already a pokemon everything what about a podcaster what that's a what about a podcaster they have a podcaster pokemon not yet so i actually designed a set of of if anus was asked to present their pokemon uh it's a base level podcasting type probably fairy type pokemon and it's uh this is our first it's kratom and it's uh it shoots out of its lip bump shoots ooze out of its lip bump uh as you can see and it's got uh yeah i didn't even know you i didn't even know you did that that is worlds better than zigzagoon and pseudowoodoo right and kratom evolves into poo crack which is uh he has a turd that he walks around with and opens it up and grosses out all the other other pokemon that looks just like a person though and then finally it's it evolves into its

final form uh on tell me and it's just mook it's it's it's all of our it has uh my legs and it has uh mook do you uh do you wear that hoodie anymore um it's it's on me right now yeah i know um yeah i know so it's it's it's special feature is that uh it everything is too afraid to look at it because its skin reflects against its its hoodie and it blinds people uh but it has your ears kyle my legs rudy's little dick and i gave also rudy's unaccess uh unnecessary uh jewelry It has rings on his finger. Its weaknesses are non-wordplay jokes, Fasoli's audio, tomatoes, advertisers, rough and rowdy, and podcasting in general.

Beautiful. Yeah, we got to make that happen. I did this in like 20 minutes and like they've just it's the new the new pokemon are bad i caught one yesterday it's just an olive it's called small live because it's a small olive yeah dude that's that that sucks and then it evolves into just two olives. You can't. How does anyone get into that? The game is fun, but yeah, it needs. If I will quit, if there's anybody that's listening that has a connection, I'll quit podcasting.

I'll quit Barstool and go design Pokemon. It would be my dream come true. I have a connection. You kind of do, right? Yeah. I have a connection. You kind of do, right? Yeah, we're very close to a top secret manufacturer, manufacturer of the rarest Pokemon cards in the world. My dad had to Uber someone that worked there, and the guy who worked there couldn't even get dropped off near the facility.

I'm talking this is top secret. This is the best Pokemon manufacturer. It's in Raleigh, North Carolina. Look it up. But you said it's top secret. Yeah, that's what I'm saying. Look it up. You'll find nothing.

Oh, I did not get that. That's how secret it is um the millennium print group is that where it is that's that's exactly what it is there's a lot of information online about them yeah a ton of information online and wait you guys live pretty close to this right next to it oh yeah wait they're saying how secure it is. Like, it is like armed guards. Yeah. No kidding. Right.

Dude, you should dumpster dive there. You should dumpster dive. Have a tank. Dude, I'm going to get blown up by a tank while I'm trying to dumpster dive for... Yeah. There's already a garbage Pokemon, too, made of garbage. Two of them. That's just Oscar the Grouch. Do you just call him Oscar Grouch? There's already a garbage Pokemon, too, made of garbage. Two of them. It's just Oscar the Grouch.

Would you just call him Oscar Grouch? Like, Grouch is his last name? Yeah, that's his last name. Yeah, that's his last name. It's Oscar the Grouch. He's just a grouch. His name's not Oscar Grouch. Fuck. What? fuck what

it's not an n64 cartridge dude my my internet connection is unstable this is ridiculous i mean you're in a semi-major city you should be you should have great internet It's a me thing Your internet's a you thing? How in the fuck Is it a you thing? It's everywhere I go, my phone never gets it I don't know You know what you should get, Kyle?

Manscaped? Better help? What? Manscaped You should get manscaped it doesn't require any wi-fi you just charge it all you need is electricity uh it's never too early it's a little bit tough for me yeah probably well no this is just an on button we need we could talk about if it's tough for you after the ad um uh s about his sex. Use code ANUS I didn't make that joke. Use code ANUS for free shipping and 20% off.

He was cracking up at that. Rudy, was it Mooker Rudy? God damn it. The Manscaped Platinum Package 4.0 is a one-stop shop of a man who deserves it all and has everything needed to help you deck the halls from face to balls. They just hired somebody with a fucking multiple PhDs to do their copy. The Platinum Package has a product from the Best Link Performance Package,

Ultra Premium Body Wash, Ultra Premium 2-in-1 Shampoo and Conditioner, and Ultra Premium Deodorant. Get the Platinum Package 4.0. Get 20% off with free shipping with code anus at manscaped.com 20 off free shipping code manscaped.com i went to a bar before the stealer game and my buddy was outside and he texted me that he's in line but it auto corrected and it said i'm line and i responded if you're a line then i'm florida and my other friends georgia had them cracking up that you probably didn't even get a thumbs up turn it off actually turn it off when you're with your boys just enjoy their friendship

don't fucking hit them with shit like that probably exhausting for them yeah you're right uh what else is going on what else oh i you know how there was like the the homeless the viral homeless guy with the golden voice from like probably 10 years ago he was like singing into somebody's window yeah i had it happen to me if anybody anybody can find this guy, he was good. He was in a gas station in Lawrenceville area of Pittsburgh, and he was wearing a Steelers hoodie. He probably wears that every day. He smelled exactly like dehydrated piss, and he had a San Jose Sharks hat on. And he just walked up to me and he had the best

radio voice of all time and i was like taken aback i thought it was almost like a prank like is this is this like a local like you know when like demi lovato was an uber driver did they like send one of their news people out to be a homeless guy in a gas station? Because he came up to me. He was like, you know, Tom Brady. I can't even do his voice. So he wasn't a singer. No, he was a radio voice. He was the best talker I've ever fucking heard in my life. Could he string together sentences?

All he could talk about was like reading NFL. He could just like I think he memorized NFL headlines. His comforter is probably the sports section. And so he probably just gets the imprint of like the sports headlines on him. And so he was just like Tom Brady through a touchdown pass in four different countries. Now, it's unbelievable. Right. And he said, you're going to love this one. Tom Brady is 45.

And and he said Patrick Mahomes is 25 and he's old enough to be his father did you love that and I was like yeah I loved it and but I need somebody to I wish I could find him if somebody's in Lawrenceville area of PA please find this guy I promise you you'll go viral

sounds like Frank type talk that is a guarantee you think frank has a good radio voice no but i'm saying like what he's saying it's the same genre of conversation you'll go viral and uh yeah west virginia yellow hoodie jacket over top sam has a shark's hat what is the gas station uh i don't know it was in lawrenceville so it's like not that big of an area Fuck dude you Um yeah let's Let's set up a GoFundMe

For him And then if we can't identify him after Five days then it's our money Yeah you're right Yeah alright let's do that Fuck it Uh let's uh no Give me a talking point what you got

fuck my mom has fucking just pyramids of mason jars around the house my dad had to pick dude her my dad almost fell on my head there's not it's not even like creating a conjunction with anything it's just a stray and she says man i. It's just a stray and. Jesus, man. I just know it's a stray and, dude. It's a mason jars. My pants are so big into pickling. All they do is fucking pickle. And there's this mason.

There's this fucking mason jar. They're just kicked over. That would drive me crazy. It's unbelievable. You got a fucking dumbass jack. You got a big jack. What do I got? I got nothing to.

Three lanterns, a big jack what do i got nothing to three lanterns a big t an old clock an owl that looks like a pumpkin yeah what what's up with mom's designs this is in our office our computer room farmer's market oh my mom oh she came back with a little put this in the kitchen if anything put it in the kitchen, if anything. Wait, that's in the nursery? It says farmer's market? Is it a... A baby farmer's market is just like titties. That's the strip club. The strip club is a baby farmer's market.

Rudy, what the fuck do you got? Yeah, what the fuck is that? I think my mom hung this up. Wait a minute. What is a farm fresh pillow? With a honey? do you got yeah what the fuck is that i think my mom hung this up i'm pretty sure i painted this is outrageous my art my mom loves hanging up the art i made as like a child and all of it is so bad well that's pretty sick that's kind of fresh really i think it's pretty fucking mid no i think that's pretty sick what else you got kyle good night moon yeah oh it doesn't doesn't hold up like crazy but the

visuals are good yeah the visuals are good oh you'll like this one i have a plaque from africa that i got in south africa made a word why would i like that? Because you like maps. Oh, yeah. It's the shape of the continent. You were in Africa, Rudy? Yeah, I went to South Africa. Oh, that doesn't count. Yeah, I know. I know. Doesn't count.

Yeah, dude. I've kicked over like a hundred mason jars. I keep losing internet. I hear you. You've been good. We can hear you fine. No, it is impossible to be comfortable with like every five seconds.

Do you want to call him with your phone? No. Okay. I was agreeing. It's impossible to be comfortable at home. You were agreeing by saying no sternly. Yeah. Like, no, it sucks. Yeah, I don't know. I'm sure you can understand my confusion there.

Yeah, I can relate to that. It is hard to be comfortable at home. It feels weird. My mom and dad wanted to do like a movie night and we let my mom pick and we sat down and she chose fucking just family guy we watched like four episodes of family that sounds fucking awesome dude my mom hates family guy i don't think my mom likes it either she was just on her phone the whole time wait is family guy good i haven't watched him so long when you're a a kid, it bangs. I think it's funny. Yeah, it bangs as a kid, but you wouldn't expect that.

I was sitting, me, my mom, and my dad just sitting watching Quagmire. My dad laughs so hard at Quagmire. Yeah. You laugh? No, the name, Glenn Quagmire. Yeah, that's the funniest part about him probably yeah no it's it's i don't it's pretty funny it's some it's some good writing yeah for sure ah kyle i got it you got it yeah it's it's we saved the best for last I'm about to go have some SoCo

it's the holidays it's the biggest drinking time of the year and whether you're at a festival tailgate ugly Christmas sweater party SoCo is the ready for anything whiskey it's packed with flavor we all know that it makes an incredible SoCo sour

in a variety of other cocktails one of my favorites SoCo Black in a variety of other cocktails. One of my favorites, SoCo Black. It might make me go back to drinking right now. I'm craving one right now. SoCo Black has just the right balance of sweetness wrapped in smoke flavor for those who like their whiskey bold. You can try a SoCo sour shot. They're so easy to make.

One-third SoCo plus two-thirds sour mix. Boom, done. It's so tasteful. Just the right mix of sass and class. That's my kind of whiskey. Times change and so do what we drink. Make a more tasteful choice. Choose SoCo.

Yeah, as you should. Yeah, as you should. Good work, Kyle. We watched The Gentleman with Matthew McConaughey. yeah as you should yeah as you should good work kyle we did a movie too we watched we watched the gentleman with matthew mcconaughey oh that was a good movie yeah it's really it's a per i always take control of the movies because it just will be a calamity if i don't and i just picked that one because it's easy it's entertaining it's not complex. We're not going to get hot takes from anybody. It's a really basic

watch. I imagine you're... What's your relationship with your parents? You guys cool? You guys tight? Yeah. We're pretty tight. They're homies for sure. Are you good, man? Yeah, yeah. How's the black nephew?

Dude, I had to sleep in his crib last night. No, I don't know. I haven't seen him. I haven't seen him. I heard he's good. It's been a year, so I don't know. Didn't he? You said on the yak, he almost lost his he almost lost his

cock he almost lost his cock uh what is that a tourniquet yeah piece of his hair your sister's hair yeah somehow a piece of hair wrapped around his whole whole fucking dick squeezed the life out of it turned it blue um you got to see the picture that i don't want to see dude i remember uh freaking out in the group chat when uh that picture came through i didn't believe her i was like there's no way a hair can just without this naturally without human interference wrap around a cock and squeeze the life out of it. You got to stop. You got to stop calling it a cock, dude.

My nephew's cock. Well, that's what happened. And it's like it tied itself. I was like someone either tied that hair around his cock like physically manually there's no way it happened it's not a cock it's not a cock dude he's fucking he's in

pre-k dude yeah I don't think you get a cock till like fourth grade all right fair um Carter Huffman was the first one with one I don't think you get a cock till like fourth grade. All right. Fair. Carter Huffman was the first one with one. Oh my God. Carter Huffman.

When I just think back to grade school, he always had his cock out. He was the most sexualized person of all time yeah uh good kid i mean he's just a 30 bad kid good good adult good 30 good adult bad kid yeah bad kid bad kid um dude my uh my tiktok algorithm somehow on the amtrak from New York to Pittsburgh, I have black TikTok now. And with Thanksgiving coming up, every other video is just like the types of aunties at Thanksgiving. I love that shit. There's so many types of aunties dude I had no idea but I kind of want to throw myself

into one of those TikToks where it's just like I want to be one of the types of aunties like Nick wedged right in between of the types of aunties I could open up my TikTok now and see like 55 black men acting like they're aunties I do

they're good you got to show your nephew he'll geek out um yeah no he doesn't he probably won't even understand the humor let's be honest here um on the train back though uh we stopped um just in the you know in the middle it wasn't at a station and the police came on the train and it went up to this guy just like a smaller i think he was a like asian descent guy and they were like you need to get off this fucking train right now and he just put on his headphones and turned from him and looked forward. Didn't do anything. And then like five more cops came onto the train.

They're like, you need to get off this fucking train right now. And then the conductor came out to talk to him. He was like, I only want to talk to the conductor. And there was footage of him apparently to get on the train. There was an older woman in front of him in line and he just pushed her just like out of the way she toppled and he got on the train and sat down. And this guy did not, he was like defending himself. He saw no wrong in what he did. He was just like, yeah,

she was taken forever to get on. And they ripped him off of the train and like just threw him off in like yeah latrobe oh this wasn't even in new york oh this was in new york originally it was on the train started in new york but i know i think he did it to her in philly and the cops were waiting in latrobe that's awesome i mean well deserved he should have been kicked off for that but that i can i can feel his pain like when the woman just wasn't getting yeah i would have it would but they like he's a hero he did not fight he like just was picked up but he was still like in his sitting position as he was being carried he was almost like um he was like elijah wood's character in sin city he's just real quiet, but fucking crazy. Very underrated villain.

Speaking of Elijah Wood, this is episode 319. Elijah Wood is from the 319. Eastern Iowa. Give me some Iowa facts. I can't give any... I can't praise. It's Ashton Kutcher,

Elijah Wood, Nia Long, and the legend Dan Gable. And that's the reason I can't roast this area. Because Dan Gable, it's sacrilegious. Is Dan Gable a wrestler? Yeah, the best of all time. There's a wrestling Pokemon, Tyroke. Where's a singlet? Tyroke? Where's a singlet? Tyroke? It's crouched down.

Tyroke, wrestling Pokemon. He's gray? What? What? I thought you said Tyrone. Just a Pokemon named Tyrone, dude? Wait a minute. Wait a minute. I remember vividly there was just a Yu-Gi-Oh card called Tyrone.

Why does that ring a bell to me, too? I think there was a Yu-Gi-Oh card called Tyrone. Yeah, Tyrone, too. Oh, it was Tyhone. Yeah, I thought it was Tyrone. I always called this thing Tyrone as a kid. But it's Tyhone. Tyhone just sounds like a Tyler Hone like a lame white dude

Tyrone we haven't even scratched the surface Yu-Gi-Oh has the weirdest fucking like that doesn't make sense anything after Pokemon it doesn't count it doesn't matter Yu-Gi-Oh like that just it's a direct rip-off.

I don't think so. Yeah. I went by Tyrone for a little bit in high school. Yeah, you used to go by Tyrone. I think that's kind of problematic. Why? Why did you do that?

Well, maybe it wasn't um maybe it was fine i mean it's not you weren't talking like a black man were you yeah so i don't think

it was the name that was the uh you were you were essentially you were jeff dunham puppet dude yeah there's the video of me on the scooter where there's proof that i went by tyrone yeah somebody yelling go tyrone and you intentionally crashed the scooter didn't you that was my move for a while like i would get on crutches at the like the my college's cafeteria and like purposely fall and how does that fucking become your move did you have crutches i was the guy who like would fall as a joke as a prank this went this was like that is ohio that was like that was the funniest thing you could do in Ohio in the early 2010s. Was fall?

Yeah, for sure. It was like, pretend to fall down the stairs. How do you pretend to fall down the stairs? You just do it, dude. None of that's pretending. You're just doing it. Yeah, but you do it like, you're kind of like gripping the edges of the stairs. You're not doing it. Yeah, but you do it like you're kind of like gripping the edges of the stairs. You're not actually tumbling.

Honestly, though, if I saw you like heels overhead, that's funny. But you the video of you them yelling, go Tyrone, and you're on a scooter and flipping over it. You fall pretty hard. Yeah, I would hurt myself. That's how I got my first concussion is just like on vine i would i didn't have an iphone so i had to use an ipad and it was very hard and i would just film myself just walking into walls and like banging my head on things yeah you actually got a concussion from doing that i got a severe concussion. I was a denier. Is the TikTok still out there?

It was a vine. It's all gone. It's all gone. It was just me hurting myself. The concussion, that was... Don't fuck with concussions. It was the worst thing ever. Really? Rudy, you've had to have had a few. I got really lucky. I never got a concussion playing hockey. It was delayed. That's what freaked me out. i wrote my like love note to my or goodbye note to my

parents because i didn't feel the symptoms wait you wrote a goodbye note we we've we've talked about this i don't know if we have i know you wrote, I know you wrote a goodbye note. You wrote a goodbye note when you got too high. That, that was, yeah, this was, this was, yeah, this was like on a sticky note because my parents were on vacation. I experienced delayed concussion symptoms. I didn't know what it was. I thought I would, my brain was shutting down. And, um, I remember I was even in that moment of pure panic and like adrenaline i still felt too shameful to call an ambulance i was like and i

just laid down and accepted my fate and then that's when we just laid down ready to die yeah because i was like i don't want to be the guy who calls an ambulance for himself and that was that that's not like a trope oh every friend group has the every friend group has the guy that calls the ambulance for himself why do you feel like that's a trope i didn't say that but i'm sure you said you don't want to be that guy. I didn't want to be that guy. Yeah. Like the thought of like getting loaded into an ambulance. That's like the lame, the wackest thing you can do.

Yeah, you're right. Yeah, you're right. Shout out to a big, big shout out to Raycon. The headphones. Yeah, they're great founded by ray jay uh brilliant businessman raycon's fitness earbuds help you take your workout to the next level with the power of premium sound that's smart tech they were featured in esquire magazine's best gadgets of 2021 they were voted the best earbud of the year uh they offer unbeatable battery life nine hours of playtime 54 hours of battery total nearly double of battery life on the other brands on

the market their customers love them they've given the product over 35 000 five-star reviews with raycon you get to the top of the line earbud functionality with high quality sound at half the price of other premium audio brands now's the perfect time to pick up a pair of raycon fitness earbuds right now. You can get them for $20 off. Go to buyraycon.com slash untold. Use the code on the page. You unlock another additional 15% off.

So that is a lot of money off. Go to buyraycon.com slash untold to get access to this limited time offer. Is your dickhead of the week always going to be a Pokemon? No, I that's what that's one thing I don't do. I consider everything, every sentient being when I go. And it's an exhausting process,

but I'm very meticulous about how I decide. I go through, you know, celebrities. I go through local criminals. I go through sometimes animals. I go through sometimes animals, fictional characters, depending on, you know,

what they're up to. And this was, yeah, like I said, no brainer this week. I bumped into the wheeling mayor who does not like us. Let, what was his tweet verbatim?

I won't be able to do it. Does verbatim mean exact? Yeah, because I'm going to look it up. It was something like comedy is hard. He said something about us using old and tired stereotypes. It's funny that he said we we used. He had to say he didn't have to say something but he us using stereotypes we just did man on the street so that was just there so we were yeah

we were in our hometown downtown wheeling west virginia we interviewed who the only the people that we saw and we posted what they said and it kind of made us it did make the city look a little bit trashy i don't think so dude not even like there was just a clearly one person their opinion we just posted what they what they said and he said first off the video highlighted wheeling in a positive light yeah the restaurant it was a good video it was it was there was no no there's no other videos about wheeling that's that's going on and we got we're getting them all this all these views all this attention and he instead of just either ignoring it or um promoting it he said he said to us comedy is hard yeah Yeah. And then that will props him because that's like

the most infuriating thing I could hear from him. Move just a little bit. Oh, yeah. There it is. Yeah. So Mayor Glenn responded to it. Glenn Elliott with two N's, two L's

and two T's. He said making funny videos is hard. Doing so without condescension and playing on stubborn stereotypes is even harder. Let me know when your next Roots rediscovery tour is and I'll help you find better material. Do better. But then we reached out to like do something with him and he said no i think cory said hey yeah i'm down to meet up let's let's talk yeah i i had to bite my tongue uh because doing comedy is hard except when you get to film and wheeling when it just does itself. Um,

it's actually one of the easier places to do it. Right. Dude. I'm really mad about it. I'm really mad about it. I got really mad when I saw him. Mayor Glenn Elliott making comedy videos is hard. Yeah.

Um, his ad name is mayor wheeling. mayor glenn elliott making comedy videos is hard yeah i got um his ad name is mayor wheeling stupid uh that's just a stupid name for for an ad 1300 followers uh he sounds like a real comedy understander he's i don't think he's a bad guy oh yeah here's his recent hit is november has become the new september in the city of wheeling and then he posted the weather showing that it's in the 60s that's just one month apart now november has become the new september the. November has become the new September. August has become the new June.

With the weather, with the hot weather. But like September is maybe the most nondescript weather of all time. Just like, damn, it feels like September out here. People, whenever the weather is... It feels like September out there. No one has ever said that.

Ooh. Oh, shit. When everyone says do better that is infuriating to me yeah like you hit you with a do better yeah yeah that that's infuriating it's not as infuriating as not your best i'll say it time and time again. Not your best is the most infuriating shit. Yeah. When you just post something and well, you know what they're saying, they're saying it sucks, but the fact that they say not your best, don't say it. Just tell me it sucks. Tell me this, this video wasn't funny or this tweet wasn't funny.

I got, I got hit with that in real time over the weekend in Bridgeport. You got hit with a real time, not your best? Oh, yeah. So you tweeted that you bombed pretty hard. I bombed really fucking hard. Hardest ever? Hardest ever, yeah, for sure. We're in Bridgeport, Connecticut. It's like a mixture of 50

people like 15 20 of them are sass fans barcelo guys another 20 are locals another 15 random minorities and i just bombed they didn't give a fuck about me random random yeah so what were the proportions of this crowd it was like 20 white guys bunch of random minorities and then like geriatrics so just like the worst crowd so you're saying just like there was white guys and non-white guys and old people and old people yeah which is not the great people. Yeah, so trying to make all those people laugh at once is impossible. Unless you're a magician. Yeah, that's... I think you're confusing magician with comedian.

Yeah, you might be right. No, you are the correct profession to make those people laugh, Connor. Not a magician. Sure, sure. You're right. I had a rough set. Really rough set. And I get off stage.

I immediately go outside, like start taking laps. Because I'm physically in pain at this point. Go ahead, KB. Just how long are we talking? 15 minutes. 15 minutes and that 15 minutes did you know pretty did you know pretty quickly that it was gonna be it like it was gonna be a bad showing yeah i asked them if they were like happy to be here and six people said like half-heartedly like yeah and the rest of the room was dude that props to you that's like that would just that would end my

life yeah i tried crowd work too and like two people were like actively making out during my set nobody cared it was just ah it was brutal so i get off stage wait if people treat it dude if people people treated comedy shows like a movie like a dude in the back's getting a hand job that would be the funniest shit ever dude i like called it out too i'm like these two people are making out they don't give a fuck about me and everyone was just like all right like nobody like nobody laughed at that either nothing nothing oh my god so i i get off stage i'm in physical pain at this point yeah that and like five minutes later i get a text from sass like yo come back to the green room and i get to the green room and the waitress had sent back jameson shots for me and she told

sass he's like hey that wasn't his best up there he's probably gonna need it gets worse yeah sympathy shots and she said it wasn't his best yeah she was like it looked rough up there oh patronizing shot i mean halfway during the shot halfway during the set it went so bad i was like who in here has like heroin like come shoot me up like this is this is terrible like i'm gonna end it all how How did Sass do? Sass did good. It's just... Damn, I wish I had Sass. Dude, kudos to you because

if that happened to me once, I don't know what I'd do. You've made people, you've made big rooms laugh. You've made bigger rooms laugh. When you opened for us, you crushed. I just don't get it. If you're doing the same thing how does it i don't get it it all like a lot of it depends on the crowd like obviously i could have been better but it's like you're against all odds at that point when it's 50 people in a room that's supposed to fit 320 and it's just a weird

mix of people that like aren't excited to be there. So it was a tough one for me. How do you sign those off? When you bomb, do you sign off in the same way, or are you just like, all right, guys, fuck me, and then just leave? I have to be a little bit peppy because I'm the host. I have to be like, all right, you guys didn't like me, but you're going to love me next.

Wait, you were the host? Yeah, I host on the road. So you had to do more than just your set yeah you had to go back out there oh no you know i'm in pain dude yeah oh dude you're you're i have to come back why are you doing now i've now i'm pissed at you because i feel so shitty just hearing that. I mean, it's part of the job, man. Not every show is...

That sounds like a miserable field. I get the highs are high. Is that what keeps you going when you do crush? It's an ultimate... It's like a drug? Yeah. The highs are high. The lows are lows.

And in between is just nothing. It's a very up and down job. When you're off the stage, you probably feel very numb. Sometimes. Oh, man, dude. Did you have any other shows that night? No, we ended on that. That was the last show of the weekend.

So you just oh fuck man it was brutal i'm trying to think of like a worse thing to deal with that isn't like tragedy yeah i was gonna say like getting like knocked out in like four seconds in the ufc but you're still getting a pretty decent amount of money and people still respect you on some level yeah they're like that guy took a punch props to him so and then you get like the sympathy people that come up after they're like that's worse i thought you were funny but like nobody else did dude you're just describing no no no the sympathy people that are like uh you know that was brave of you

yes like oh that's like they didn't even think you were funny yeah that was really brave of you you know how many it's you're so like so many people wouldn't even have the guts to do that and you did look at yourself like that's a win in itself. Yeah. It was a tough go. I kind of want you to like keep doing this. Bombing? Yeah. So it's like, or like, I want it to happen more. So it's like a win-win. It's funny for us to talk about and hear about if you fail.

And then if you do good, that's a win in the moment. Yeah. It's going to happen again. And I'll say I have three times in like doing comedy where this has happened and this is easily by far the most like traumatic. So like it'll happen. You haven't had a set since then. Have you?

I've done a mic. Okay. Okay. Yeah. I've done a couple of mics, but nothing like that. That's pretty good. Yeah.

I want to get you on. Nick, we got to get you to a show, dude. I got a hell of a joke written about pallbearers. You're going to love it. Hell yes. Yeah, I'm going to New Brunswick the first weekend of December. I'll probably bomb one of those shows. Jersey?

Nah. Yeah, Jersey. so i'll probably bomb one of those shows so jersey nah yeah the next time you bomb just be hyper aware of all like everything around you and what what is like making it so bad aside from the lack of i have another great cringe detail if you want it yeah yeah i do pretty well yeah i brought up the uh feature act and the first thing he said was uh guys do you guys think that was uh on you or on connor oh oh my god and then he went he went connor's funny as fuck and i heard that and i just ran outside oh yeah it was tough it was tough dude that was nice of him to do yeah but you just don't do that no I don't think I think that's an asshole move unintentional

yeah you think just let it die let it die next time you do it can you please just like pull out your phone and start recording so we can just get like right in the middle of it yeah we're a gopro oh yeah I have the voice recording uh i'll find like a clip or a part where yeah just give me a part dude i don't know if i'll be able to make it through that i i tried like i went to like the

cringe subreddit and like i this one um bridesmaid this wedding speech uh tapped me speech tapped me out tapped me out cold I can't do cringe I can't do it I can so easily put myself in the shoes of every single one of them yeah me too

I've been in those situations and it really is irreversible trauma if it's bad enough yeah yeah i understand one yeah now three weeks 18 days sober because of that is it because of that well that like because usually when i black out i don't like i don't know what i did and i always assume that i was like fine like because i think i woke up and i was like all right that went well i remember feeling good that's gonna be funny and then being that

blissfully unaware and like that that scared me i'm like i can't be doing that uh what are the elements on your shirt is there any other jokes on it or does it just spell out sarcasm yeah i don't know yeah yeah so did you so you're out of clothes is that like your dad's shirt? It was, I went to Walmart to get size large underwear. I needed to upgrade anyway, socks and t-shirts. Oh, I was with my buddy, Josh Varner yesterday.

And, uh, he's a big guy. Yeah. And he's very jealous of his legs. He sent you a picture of his legs and you said, no, I need to see those things move and send back a video. And he sent you a picture of his legs and you said no i need to see those things moving send back a video and he sent you a video what's the difference between a photo and then moving

legs um it just did videos are just more technologically advanced photos you could see so much more i wanted to see wise words wise words man you think about if you break it down yeah his quads are gigantic and i just did i'm it was basically me saying i want to see you like squatting or doing a leg lift to see what you you know is it genetics is it strength is it skill what did he send you i don't think he sent me anything. Okay. I thought he sent a video. Maybe it was a Twitter DM.

Um, all right. New untold story, uh, remote. And maybe this might be our best remote episode. Audio wise. I,

I probably am going to get clowned for saying, see, I always think it's fine And then I Yeah We'll see Alright See you guys We're back in the office next week

Alright back in the office Well we got merch coming out for Black Friday Yeah So that'll be tomorrow Yeah Please support us I think it's going to be A it's going gonna be good and B

it's a very easy way to show support I think I fucked up on one of the merch pieces oh they're sick dude yeah but the one with the blueberry on the back it says a new untold story

say that in the next episode after they buy it. Well, here's what's, what's it say on the front of the blueberry one? Um, anybody remember? It says BRG. Yeah.

Yeah. I should have just put a blue raspberry on the back of it. No, should have just put a blue raspberry on the back of it. No. I couldn't think of what to put on the back of the BRG shirt. BRG stands for blue raspberry. But blue raspberry isn't

a thing. It's just a flavor. You can't... I could have made a raspberry blue and put it on the back. It says blue raspberry got with a blueberry on the back. It says blue raspberry guy with a blueberry on the back. I thought it just meant blue. Oh, wait, yeah.

What the fuck? That's nonsense. Don't we have significance with blueberries? Yeah, Violet Beauregard. A blue raspberry, people wouldn't know what it is because they've never seen one before you're right it's like seeing a person yeah yeah dude i shot up in the middle of the

night and i was like oh no because we we're not very good at merch and uh i shot up in the middle of the night i was like what like it would just it was right in front of us. It says BRG on the front and then a blueberry on the back. All the better. All the better, yeah. Yeah, all the better. Really throw them for a loop. Okay, yeah, but buy that shirt, and then maybe the next iteration of the shirt

will have a blue raspberry on the back. Cool. Perhaps.