A New Untold Story - Lady Bauer feat. PFT Commenter - A New Untold Story: Ep. 438

Episode Date: March 6, 2025

pft joins the program to talk micronations and more. make sure to subscribe to his podcast pardon my take. Ads: Factor - Get started at https://FACTORMEALS.com/FACTORPODCAST and use code FACTORPODCAST to get 50% off your first box plus free shipping. BetterHelp - A New Untold Story is sponsored by BetterHelp. Visit https://BetterHelp.com/NEW today to get 10% off your first month. Stella Blue - Visit https://stellabluecoffee.com and use promo code UNTOLDSTORY for 20% off orders of $25 or find Stella Blue Coffee on Amazon for next day deliveryYou can find every episode of this show on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or YouTube. Prime Members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. For more, visit barstool.link/anuspodcast

Hey, a new untold story listeners, you can find every episode on Apple Podcast, Spotify or YouTube. Prime members can listen to ad free on Amazon Music. Dude, funny when you came back from Turkey, me and Dave got first flight tickets and we're sitting down and then there were kids in the in the first class. And they was like, are you kidding me? They like kids in first class. I was like, yes, like that almost I mean, like it's kind of the goal because it's so much more comfortable. It's hard when you have kids. And, I was like, yes, like that almost I mean, like it's kind of the goal because it's so much more

comfortable. It's hard when you have kids and he he was utterly stunned. He was he I think in his world he thought the kids were banned from first class. Yeah, like it was a strip club. Well, he thought that kid like took his flight, his seat away.

Yeah, I could have been there. Yeah. Yeah, like that seat probably would have been so small enough at economy plus will feel like first class. I kind of agree that they shouldn't be allowed Yeah, what about parents that want to sit in first send your kid to the back? Yeah, what's next KB kids and babies should have their own bathrooms That's way more with like a changing station in it yeah, I'm I am the most uncomfortable I've ever been when like I'm taking a piss in the airport and a dad brings in his daughter

I know something like that like a little he's always looking at me Sorry sir, and I was you like stop you apologize for pissing. Yeah Always come in mid piss I was in Lake Geneva And I was pissing. I might've actually been sneaking a shit. I was sneaking a shit because I didn't want to shit in the hotel room with my girlfriend.

And this guy brought in like five of his daughters. Yeah. It's a bit much. That guy's been through. Hell, he doesn't care. That fit. That fourth, third, fourth. What's the way?

That handicaps all was like a Ted talk. It was just. It was I felt like such a creep Have being exposed with a like a door away from a troop of girls Yeah, when you see a guy with five daughters you just know that like he was ready to quit after two kids But he was like I got a guy. I gotta get a site of it I need a video of his gender reveal. Like that fifth one of when it's pink, he just drops to his knees. Like at the end of Shawshank, he's like, all right, double or nothing. Back to the slot machine. Got to go for three. Got to go for five. Yeah. Five. It's one of the chances.

That's what your sperm is. He has feminine cum. Yes. That's his chick. Come by the end of it. He just gives up. He names his fifth daughter, Frank, after him. Yeah, Frank. She'll be Frankie Jr. Yeah, Frank. He's a girl's name kind of to all right. Yeah, rolling on everything. Good. That's an I'll be a cold open, I'm

sure. You mean you're going to reply to what I'm going to say? No, you're going to say no, that's a new one. Hey, that's too old for told. No, you're just gonna say like, no, that's a new untold story. Hey, isn't that story old or told? Fuck no, baby! It's a new untold story! A new untold story.

It's a fresh-baked untold story. A new untold story. I knew I told you New Untold Story Episode what Kyle? Episode 438, it's an overlay area code for Montreal Listen, I don't want to give time to overlays nor Montreal I'm not too keen on talking about Montreal right now, okay? Every time I look up facts a lot of them are just in French apparently that that's their thing French is their it's there. It's taken over English, so it's like you can't

You shouldn't be an only English speaking person in Quebec. Oh, or maybe you can't I'll be back you can speak English there. But can you live in Quebec and only speak English? Probably a little bit annoying. I don't think it would be very annoying. You would get looked down upon for sure. It's a very interesting place. Have you been to the French or smug?

I don't know about French Canadians. He's on the program. You welcome. I'm on the program. I've never been to Quebec, but it's an interesting place because it mixes the like super, super niceness of Canadians with the rudeness of the French. With the homosexuality of the French. Yes. Yeah.

But I've been told that they've got some of the best strip clubs in the world. That's the French side. OK. Glenn Balls. Glenn Balls said he's gotten tugs. No, no, he likes the Neuru massages. Rapsodize about their strip clubs and the Neuru massages. Is that where they swing from the ceiling and you they brush butt cheeks No that nuru I think is with when the women will oil their breath. I don't know what the breasts

You have no idea when you're back real quick Glen balls is a porno name by the way Yeah, yeah, it is Glenny balls of fun sexual right yeah the balls I guess is what makes that the porno name Glenn separates Glenny from Glennyenny is approachable glen balls rails. He funds fucks through the mattress Does Johnny sins jack off I? Don't think so doesn't want to bring work home I do with this shit I think he jacked off. He'd just be like that's $75,000 that's overtime

$75,000 that's overtime. Yeah There's no way he jerks off right like you can't like you like what am I fucking no? I'm not wasting my do you go home and like podcast yeah in the bathroom Yeah, Blake has a fire one with me No, man. I don't think he does I would it must be hard like he his spank bank There's nothing there's got to be like he's experienced so many awesome sexual things that I don't think he can even fantasize about anything Good enough to make him come I agree completely Wholeheartedly does he watch himself and you watch just working. I would yeah. Yeah me as well his spank bank

Do you watch the do you watch your content? No, because maybe it's like listen to your own voice, right? Sounds so weird yeah like you imagine hearing your own sex grunts no no odd Yikes, yeah, that would be bad Kyle imagine you putting on your head fans Getting ready jerk off, and you hear yourself saying like good girl Jerking off to your own porno and with the VR headset Would he be embarrassed getting caught jerking off?

No, I don't think so. He's like I'm Johnny. I think he would because he'd have you have to explain it like why are you jerking off? Yeah, go fuck. Yeah, dude. You don't professional fucker. Yeah. Oh you must be yeah Doing I was just bad to ask if there were amateur and pro versus in porno, and I realized that amateur is like the biggest It's the most popular You guys remember when when Kyrie Irving I think it was Kevin Love did that Uncle Drew thing where they get dressed up as old people Yeah, what if a porn star just decided to like get dressed up as an under cover They like walk out of the set and I'm sorry you lost

He's like I think I can still lay it pretty good And then they take off their clothes and they just fucking rail it home Yeah, well then he is unbelievable smooth unwrinkled. Who is that? It's like the boom mic guy and a horrible like prosthetic. Yeah, and like the porn star pretends to hurt his dick. Oh Somebody has to sub in I'm Johnny Knox wait. That would be really awesome Would be really I would watch that and like like the captured expressions from like the other people on set mm-hmm mm-hmm Like you'd hear somebody with this guy's really fucking like damn That's all you could say damn There should be more uncle Drew's out there for like every line of work uncle drewing for every yeah

I was also thinking the other day. I wish that the corporate world had trades similar to sports Mm-hmm like accountants could get traded. Oh, that'll be cool future considerations Maybe a really nice Barstool up being able to trade would be funny. Who would you trade? most Yeah, yeah, yeah, just like I'll trade Nikki smokes for like a first-round pick like a kid that could chug fast and at Arizona Good prospect yeah Like a kid that could chug fast and at Arizona a good prospect Yeah Nikki's moxie has to go to Arizona. He'd probably be fine with it. Yeah, it'd be very cool with it. Yeah

I'm sure your surgeon your uncle drew in like with your surgeon Let's get this guy somebody's in the audience like wait that guy he This seems true Jewish doctor Don't want a Jewishid. I'm not gonna say guess what he is though Uncle Drew is a pilot yeah some person a wheelchair like the pilot pretends to have a heart attack to just wheel down the aisle I got this Yeah, uncle Drew should just be a genre of film. Yeah, there needs to be more like the bad grandpa that whole yeah It's always just athletes, and it's like that's Jared Goff in a shaggy wig. It

was a bad wig. Yeah that's Shaquille O'Neal not a random guy who's my Uber driver. Yeah there's always the Uber driver. His head is out the way. And it's like it's a seven foot two black man Uber driver in a Buick and then the first thing he says to you is like do you like Jack? Then he takes off the glass like holy shit About the reverse uncle drew where it's like somebody that's that sucks at something and they get dressed up like the per like somebody gets Dressed up like Kevin love and they go ahead and just suck it Damn Kevin love is being awful. It off with bad night for Kevin Love. Oh, man.

Kyle, how you been? How have I been? Yeah. Oh, thank you for asking. Mm hmm. Standard, I track my daily mood score. But what's the mood score set on?

You keep mood like one. I have five. He's a I've never experienced a five in 2025. Damn man, is five happy? Five is like the peak happiness. Okay, when was your last five? Not since I've tracked, let's see.

February was a 3.39, which is fantastic. Can't you just give yourself a five? January was a 2.83, which is bad, okay. Damn, why was January so bad? Because I quit weed. It was literally four months of hell. Is there a chance that this week could be a five because You sent me and Rudy a picture you went to like a tasting menu. I did Have you ever been one of these I went to a Michelin Michelin starred. I've had one or two. Yeah, you've had two of

I've had one or two. Mm-hmm Mm-hmm, and I did It was a restaurant seventh What excuse me? It was not a rat it in terms of what it was It was a restaurant seventh of a restaurant was a restaurant in the seven hours a seventh thing Yes, how did you get that? I heard words come from yeah, I just want to know what the other things I should have said like fourth It was still wouldn't it like a paleontology museum like they brought out in like a Like ancient organisms at one point they brought out like an artifact with like honey water

And then they like talked for five minutes, and they were like the artifact looked vaguely edible I was like do I eat the artifact? Wait was your food served on an artifact? This was the first course was an artifact. Did you eat it or just look at it? They described it and then the server said the artifact she didn't call it the artifact that's optional and then

what do we what do you mean? She served us honey water and but she described it with the 10,000 words 13 courses What's the artifact they like? Looked like coral or a fossil okay? So like when they took it away real fast so they're coming to your table every two minutes Did you eat the artifact I did not eat the artifact, but I ate things that I don't know were completely food Okay, this is the honey water was the first course this was like an experimental place

Like I think it's for like fine diners who have like done it Oh, this is like an advanced course like you had that your palate has been through that Okay, so the guy was not I was so out of place I Was surrounded by wealth you can kind of tell. I think billionaires were hanging there. I like made eye contact with an heiress. Okay, yeah. You can just tell.

Yeah, of course. What'd you wear? I wore an Abercrombie sweater. Could they sniff you out as soon as you got there? Yeah, it was a nice place. Was it in a nice spot? Like is it somewhere we, like, could we try it? Yeah.

What, what? So the name of the place? I don't think we could I know not you I got reservations so easily on a Friday because it was a pop-up Okay, it was called the mouth of gareth It was called the mouth of gareth it was in inspired by the oral curiosities of chef Mervyn Richie's brine-loving son Gareth. So it was brine heavy. It was brine heavy. Everything that seemed like kelpie or briny. Some of the dishes, all the dishes could fit in a plastic Easter egg. So tiny

dishes, very briny, of the sea. Some were just straight up horrible. So I was like, I'm glad that was so small. I'm glad that was only one bite. Some were good, I guess, like very rich in flavor. So you feel better after eating something horrible because it was so small than something good because it's so small. I don't know anything I ate and each item had like a five minute like monologue description and I was like, I would light up when I heard a word that I recognized, a culinary word, like oh salt, yes, yes, yes, salted. That's how I feel on this podcast.

Oh my God. You sent us a picture of like one of your courses and were you eating it with like Gandalf's pipe? Yeah. It was the most twisted spoon made of wood with the smallest little divot at the end for eating they would just the spoon was way too I don't know if your arm was long enough to eat Mm-hmm. It was like it was like, you know Kurt Cobain couldn't have killed himself because he couldn't reach the trigger shot long

You couldn't have put the food in your mouth with the spoon like yeah a lot of that's my diet spoon That's something that they sell in like has to sound like a cracker barrel. Yeah, I got a yeah guaranteed to lose weight the only When I got into copyright law one of the weirder copyright items was a face cage for fat people. Oh, yeah Your mouth don't just work. Yeah, that would work especially if it's long don't unlock me. I'm really hungry. Please unlock me. Yeah That might be one of the worst ways to die Starving with a face. Hey, I'm with a face Kate Yeah, cuz the face cage would probably hurt your face a little bit

So you can start you couldn't be comfortable you probably don't look you might look cool being stretched and suck. Yeah. Oh, yeah Well long ways either like a sideways the star They used to do that if you had to be stretched which way would you want to go? I think I like legs because at least then your hips mobility I think I would want to go long because like the compression of the spine would feel good probably right in the beginning Yes, yeah, yeah, you get that crack. I would want to be stretched perfectly in half lengthwise, okay? Because I think you would die immediately I think they went very like the immediate death. Yeah. Yeah, that die immediately. I think they went vertical. I would like the immediate death, yes. Yeah, yeah, that's fair. What were the other courses like? I don't know, but I made a video for Moot.

No! Really? And I described the dishes how I think I remember. From the mouth of Gareth. Okay, so Gareth was this chef's son who loved brine. I think he was born with like a palate mutation that left him with a propensity for Brian Did you read anything about this before you went? No, did you bring your girlfriend? I did. What did she think? She was like oh that was like that was I'm glad we experienced that Yeah, it does seem like a meal that's so so awkward and it probably tastes some of the stuff tastes good But it gives you something to talk about for the next two months. Seeing mouth of Gareth written out is really funny to me.

Yeah. Is there sound, Guy? There better be. Because I spoke. Okay. Let me know when the- Go ahead. I don't think it's playing B. Oh man. That'd be a shame.

That'd be a damn. So this is real? Yes. What's a mouth of garroth, dude? I was like, KB, this is one of your best bits yet. What was the head chef's name? Mervyn Ritchie. Oh, here we go. And I described each as I think I remembered.

Our first dish of the night was the smoked quail egg, and that was marinated in Icelandic gluge. It was topped with a tile of oto konoko yeast and a blade of Skylar grass. Ten out of ten. OK, next up was Chef Mervyn's interpretation of a Welsh blood myron, and that was paired on either side with a frothing sud custard, and served with kind of like a briny, eel-throat vinaigrette.

And our third dish was the eggs-dewane, and this was definitely. I wanna finish this. Shut the fuck up! It was not called eggs-dewane. What? Plastic dishes of the night. It was just a standard eggs de Wayne.

But it was so creamy and kind of like a briny aftertaste. Definitely recommend. And then one of their more gastronomically risky dishes of the night was their Pinkerton Avocado served over top of Lower Keysore Bay in Eucalyptus Discharge, salt crystals, go into this one with an open mouth. Okay, gonna start speeding through this, but I had to mention another homerun by Chef Mervin, juxtaposition of the buttery consistency with the smokiness and bruh What is it? Sheboygan truffle leaf?

Dude! Hanging bull. No! They actually gave you a bus! No! But then it's midnight! It was ridiculous. What the fuck is that? That was the av- it was avocado and I? That was the, it was avocado,

and I made up the descriptions, but it was like an avocado with a sorbet that tasted briny. Is that the aftermath? Yeah, that's when I played with it. What was the pine cone, dude? They just gave us many pine cones. For what?

They would just bring out centerpieces sometimes and they would take it away. Like quick? And they would move my drink glass. Like that's not on the left, that should be on the right. What? What? What was your, was that good?

These look more like art pieces. Again, I couldn't tell you. It was like, I put it in my mouth and I was like, I've never experienced that flavor. It seems good, but I didn't eat enough to know that that looks not of this planet I don't remember what that was speckled I dubbed it's FERC I was the Jurassic Park thing yeah I didn't realize the legs Dwayne that you were just making you're making up the names but these are the courses you ate right eggs Dwayne is a great

man and that looks pretty good, man Wait I was I don't even remember what any of this was But it was briny a lot of a lot of it was briny. Okay, so is it really called mouth of gareth no I was gonna say I was gonna compliment you on that name mouth at the e Does it there's a big difference between mouth of gareth and mouth of garth. Oh gareth and gareth are two completely different people But you actually did go to this tasting thing and I did yeah, were you full after that's the weird thing I was full even though each item was tiny Really?

Yeah, I mean, I guess I get it, I don't know. How much was it? It was bone chilling. Bone chilling price. Those dishes, it looked like a tasting menu that the chef would put together if he was trying to sneak one bit of human. Oh yeah, you definitely ate man. But I think they like,

you were eating stuff that probably wasn't available to like the lay person. Absolutely, they were like, I will think they like you were eating stuff that probably wasn't available to like the lay person absolutely They were like it was I will say that like the flavors What I was tasting I've never tasted before my life How much was it? It was bone chili And I paid with my Wells Fargo where the Kyle is worn out on the Wells Fargo

G bow Over under 300 I showed my number 300 okay 300 plate yeah It was I think over it was over it was it was 95s in the sevens No for the total okay, okay, okay. That's still bone chilling. That's bone chilling. I didn't look up anything about it other than it's like a three star Michelin restaurant. So one Michelin star. Three is like insane.

Yeah, that doesn't really exist. That's like, there's probably like five of those. I don't recommend it. Okay. Dude, that's incredible. I like pulling out the Willis Fargo, though. That's a good move. Yeah, the plastic red.

I got a Velcro wallet. Oh, that's great. One of my favorite things to do is if I'm eating at a place, I don't think I've ever paid $700 a plate, but if I were to eat there, when the check comes out, you take the wallet out and makes that loud ripping sound. When you open it, you always get some looks like, what what the fuck i'm shocked it's not on a chain too yeah well it's got a spot for the chain nice i'm saving up for it is it the acdc wallet from

spencer gifts it's not the checkerboard wallet i know that acdc sold their shit directly to spencer's you can get anything everything was acdc themed in spencer's a lot of that yeah yeah there we go that's a nice wallet. It's a nice piece. It's a classic. It makes a great rip when you open it up. All right, tiny little break to talk to you guys about Factor.

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in your first box. All right. Another teeny tiny break. A new untold story is sponsored by better help. Think about your favorite leaders, mentors and idols. They don't have all the answers, but they do know when to ask questions or seek support from their community. In a society that glorifies hyper independence, it's easy to forget that we're all better

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across a diverse network of more than 30,000 credentialed therapists with a wide range of specialties. Build your support system with BetterHelp. Visit betterhelp.com slash new today to get 10% off your first month That's better help H. El P comm slash new Kyle I sent sent to you last night. I was reading Wikipedia. Are you guys hip to micro nations? Not micro states like Vatican or like San Marino or something when you sent it. I looked into it a little okay

Did you do much too late my sister's put me onto this place your sister did like last week no way? Molossia yeah, that's the one in Nevada you heard about this well, so Nick told me that we're doing micro States and I was like sure I'm familiar Oh, but I think I'm only familiar with micro nations micro nations are no micro nations are the ones that are kind of anybody can make you. These got you. I'm familiar with the micro states like your Vatican, your San Marino's, right. And those are fun. Yes. Yeah. You're I looked up another one.

But what what what do you know about this one? I just looked up the Wikipedia and it was fantastic. Some guy he seceded from the United States. So it's an independent sovereign country in Nevada, in the desert of Nevada, 11 acres. Recognized by... He continues to pay property taxes, so that's not very punk. But he calls it foreign aid. He's a funny guy.

This guy is an all-time clown. Kevin Baw. It was his teenage dream. To have his own country. So he pays property taxes to the local government. But he calls it foreign aid to the United States. He does a lot of good shit. His friend James Spielman was declared King James the first.

They're at war with East Germany. Oh yeah, they did at war with East Germany. Oh yeah, they did declare war on East Germany. And they found a loophole, like it still exists on one Cuban island, so they can be at war with them. Did you see why he's at war with East Germany? Why, yeah. Apparently it's because he was stationed there

when he was in the army, and had to do drills, and he lost sleep. Yeah, he's sleep deprived. He said the military drills were too hard, so he's at war with East Germany for that. A part of him, I think, really takes this seriously. I can't tell but then there was that one guy that tried to visit So somebody I did see that yeah someone said oh, I'm in Nevada. I'm gonna go swing by this molassia place and the big sign said it was closed because

because the Navy. Navy thrills. Because um... It's really... It was closed for the day as the Navy was out on a fishing trip. Which was just him. Him and his boys were on a boat. The Navy. And there's the website.

Go to the...is there a government... Did you see the currency? The currency is ridiculous? It's a the currency is valued based on a specific brand of cookie dough The velour is the currency yeah, I love this guy instead of the gold standard. It's the pills And onions and spinach are banned food items inside molassia due to the president disliking And onions and spinach are banned food items inside molassia due to the president disliking There's no homework in molassia there's no parents

They have a signature drink we should have that sprite grenadine a mullus a mullus oini Sprite grenadine pineapple and added cherries. That's that sounds great. They have a pretty legit anthem It was composed by Simon Pierre bulk of the Pompos Yolande how they get my Detonating any yes this guy he's pretty good If you detonate a nuclear device within the country, it's a $400 fine. Yeah, this guy rules. All right. What is the environmental care section? You can't have a plastic bag there.

So plastic bags and incandescent light bulbs are banned in the Republic due to their effect on the environment. Catfish and walruses are also banned due to their non-presence in the micronation. Because they're so they're banned because they're not there. They're not native. That's right. I like that. He says it's a republic.

Can it be an actual republic if there's how many people live there? Just one? Thirty-six, including dogs. Oh, so other people live in this guy's microstate. Yeah, it's like family, extended family. But you have to go to the government website. This guy, PFT, you gotta get him out here. You ready? I kinda wanna live there.

I wanna move there. You could at least buy a little plot of land. No spinach? Is there a passport? Yeah, what are the requirements a citizenship what is that it this page go down and look at the different roles of government That's him and his wife's up first lady So they have one dude, I guess it's his friend that plays. Oh, this is one guy I guess it's his friend that plays. Oh, this is one guy that

dressed up Ahmed al-bah Minister of sand Ross rocks and dust. Oh, this is awesome. It's von bar He's a minister of making things orderly and then patio bar who's a minister of making things disorderly Created a cinematic universe for himself Minister of Frugality? Angus... Angus McBaw. So, this guy is in a Muslim headdress. Muslim...

And he darkened himself. I think his skin is darker. He darkened himself. Well that is also a... that's a Saudi Arabian headdress. That's right, that's right. Minister of Sand. Come on. Oh, then he did Mexican too.

Juan de la Bá. Minister of Eth. Come on. Oh, then he did Mexican too. Juan de la Baja. Minister of Ethnic. He's an A1 clown. He's such a clown. But he, like, I'd say 50% of him takes it seriously. He has to. He said it was a teenage dream. That's too old for this dream.

My hunch is that he took the picture, scroll down again, Moog. My picture is that he took the Patty photo scroll down again, Moog. My picture is that he took the Patty photo after the Ahmed photo because it looks very clearly like he wiped his face. Yeah, he has some leftover. He did the order wrong. This bad planning, you gotta end with Ahmed.

You gotta start Irish. You can't start Arabian. That had to been such a fun day Might just be I think it's him. I think it's him years ago actually What a funny guy really funny. I respect the hell out of this seems like a guy who might be Independently wealthy or maybe he maybe won a lawsuit at a young. Yeah, he's Wealthy yeah, that's the best kind of oh yeah, dude that have no idea what to do like there's new rich And then there's lawsuit

lawsuit rich he comes from lawsuit money a lot of fun oh He's having a blast there's the Navy hit in a kayak The war with the war was with East Germany is hilarious Wow, it's been going on for a long time with East Germany is hilarious. Wow, it's been going on for a long time. Mine's a little bit more serious. So there's other micro-

There's a lot. A lot of people start these, there's a Microcon. Yes, you could go to Microcon, all the nations. Some nations have joined together to make a larger nation. There's been some like, I was on the MicroNation subreddit, like one nation left another MicroNation, they hate each other. So there's like, it's kind of clicky, sea land have you ever heard of sea land spelled sea?

Hyphen land yeah, no it's off of England And it's this guy who took over an old like oil rig the principality of sea land Oh, so he lives there in the middle of the ocean with a helipad and they were actually selling passports they Went to war with England sent troops, and they threw Molotov cocktails at England. Oh my god Oh, they feel like they England real now war, but they're that's sea land so some dude lives there to permanent residents They Were selling passports and they found out that they were being used like for money laundering, like people were using the passports seriously. Once the founder

of Sealand went on vacation and the prime minister stage a coup and took over Sealand and held his son hostage. And so Germany had to send a diplomat over to the island. And so they say because Germany sent a diplomat that makes this a legitimate Country and now this the world's smallest country. Oh Wow, so it's recognized by another recognized another recognized country you Fatal it's a country, but you can go Kyle. I went to their website you can donate there and I did something for you.

Join us. Did you enroll me? Are you a citizen? Did you give him citizenship? Not only that, Kyle, I paid for you to become a lady. Your lady Kyle Bauer of Sealand, officially in their record books. Your royalty, dude. Your lady Bauer of Sealand, officially in their record books. Your royalty, dude.

You're Lady Bauer of Sealand. And what does that entail? I purchased it, so that means they clean up one pound of garbage from the ocean, and that's it. I paid for myself to become a knight, so I'm in the record books already as Sir Nicholas. Sir Nick. Yes.

How have I not heard of this? I know, and it's pretty crazy that they're, they still take it, so you can get IAP, you can get passports, you can get IDs, they have currency. So, Lady Knight and I get put on the Epstein list. You're on the Epstein, you're on the flight loss. You still are, that list has not gone away.

Only 150 bucks, and then I spent 30 on you. To be a leader. That's a steal. But you're in the record books as you're officially by a wreck like a Guinness recognized country in Germany a lady Thank you. Yeah, man. It's very funny to start your own like rebellion against a local government That's so small that they just don't give a fuck about it. Yeah, there's all right Let yeah, let these kooks do whatever they want to do. I feel like we could do this That sounds like we can I actually I declared myself

Independent from the United States when I was in high school. No kidding. I actually did that was it like an angsty thing I thought it was very angsty. Yeah, it was during the build-up to the Iraq war. Oh, yeah, I was like it not me Yeah, not me. I'm declaring my I live in my own country now. How do you do that? Do you just yell it well I commute to the United States and I wrote it down on a piece of paper I was like a sophomore in high school. It's like fuck this bullshit, dude I carry it around a che book a che Guevara book at probably juniors through senior year every day I never made it past page 12. Yeah, the fattest che book Yeah, most people don't make it past the cover. No, just like I want to buy this for the picture

Yeah, carry it sit under a tree and read it and hopefully a chick with hairy armpits comes up Never happen Yeah, dude, I'm really intrigued by all these yeah, I got to look into this they have good flags all my really good flags That's the most important part. Yeah, I think if you're designing your own country You really slay a lot of time on the fly there was one of them that uses Well the molossia is just Sierra Leone's upside down. They flip see her Took and flipped it. I guess you can do that Yeah, I saw like new Chris Christiania. They use they have like a three dot one. That's kind of cool

Yeah, they're interesting. Yeah, oh man I'd like to make one. Yeah, I just I don't know that that guy is just legitimately funny. Oh he sells merch too Autograph photos of his excellency wait within the US limit. Oh just limit one per yeah You can't you can't have too many so we're in the Nevada area is this Western toward Lake Reno I think okay, but still in the middle of nowhere, Nevada's crazy like that. Yeah, yeah But like that's the thing here. You couldn't do it. There's just too much around

I think you need some space this guy wanted to do like a roadside attraction But he didn't have anything big enough to say the world's biggest like ball of yarn, right? I'll just build my own country. That's what he did and people will stop by and buy stuff mm-hmm Yeah, whatever yeah, he probably makes a lot of money from Well it depends on how the fucking business is doing cookie. Yeah, it's based off cookie dough. It's based off cookie dough. Oh Man oh what else you got be It's why I like sovereign citizens They're all kind of their own micro citizens those dudes just want to get pulled over

Yeah, it's the best they go out and they try to get pulled over. Yeah, I'm a travel sovereign citizen is a travel Yeah, what does that even mean? That's somebody who doesn't want license plates? Yeah, well not define what it is because I don't see any gold fringe on the flags in this room Steve Jobs would buy a new car every six months, so he wouldn't have to have a license plate ever. For what? He just didn't want a license. I don't know. It's just, it's a thing that happens to some people. I was listening to the Adam Friedland program. Oh yeah. With, uh, with Chet Hayes. Mm-hmm. He said that Chet picked him up from the airport, and he did not have- Did you say Chet Hayes? Chet Hayes. That's a stage name. Oh, oh. Is it? Yeah. Yeah. When did he change that? That's what he raps under. It's always's a stage name. Oh, oh is it yeah? Yeah, you change when he changed that it's what he wraps under

It's always been a stage. I did not know that Chet Hanks. Yeah, okay You're probably familiar with this work as as Chet Hanks on CSI He picked him up from the airport, and he was in a Lambo. I think it was a no not a Lambo It was a Hummer convertible Maybe or a Hummer look it was some sort of Hummer that he picked him up in and it did not have license plates on it And Adam Friedman was like this is exactly what I hope yes Chet Hicks was in a Hummer convertible with no license plates And he said they just doesn't have license plates because you can drive

Wherever you want without it, and you just pay a fine if they catch you and it's easier that way It like works out how convenient driver ever you want with license plate. It's something like going through the toll areas They can't take your picture of your license plate and then send you the toll in the mail So he can drive anywhere without paying tolls I think Steve Jobs became paranoid Elizabeth Holmes did stole the same thing She stole everything from Steve jobs, but she also got a new car Every six months, so she wouldn't have to get a license plate, huh? Yeah, the sovereign citizens they crack me up man

They're the funniest because they they will get in front of a judge and just frustrate the judge until they dismiss the judges. Yeah, it kind of works. Sometimes. Or you get shot by the police. Yeah. So what is their, like, political stance? I think it's hard to pin down.

A very small government, which would make you think Republican They want no no government though. I think their political stances. They know more about the Constitution than you. That's it I'm smart. Uh-huh. They're well actually people mm-hmm But they're not anarchists I Don't think they are Did you ever carry around a little Constitution? No, I don't I did Did you ever carry around a little constitution? No, I don't. I did. You had a pocket constitution?

Because it was that important to you? It was that important, just in case. I like pretended like I was going to get in trouble when I was like the most good boy of all time. Like I wanted to be such like a punk, and I just, I don't know dude. I was in the same boat. I wanted to stack rule breaks.

I was too afraid to break any rules. I don't think I ever broke a rule. I remember I tried to pull like pool hop. Oh yeah when you went and just jumped in people. I just had to dunk my hair in. Acted like I got wet. I was so embarrassed. Yeah. All the lights were off. I could have just went in.

I think that sovereigns might recognize a form of government that doesn't technically exist in the US anymore. They're like hipsters. They're like government hipsters. Yeah. Like I go by the Treaty of like 1874. Yeah. Right. And if you go by anything else it's illegitimate. But like when I'm allowed to park in the handicapped space. When they're in court they'll pull up a case that was from like the 1700s and be like well the example here is. I was watching a video about micro nations and one guy like found a loophole from a law from

1482 yeah, right saying the king couldn't commit treason on the state He can't commit treason yeah, and then some fucking a wig had to be like Cheerio like I guess usually ties into also Therefore the age of consent laws do not apply. It's all yeah Those guys know the age of consent every so fast. Yeah, yeah Everywhere yeah Kyle Yes, we see me sipping on right now. That's Stella blue cup. Mm-hmm with the Stella blue in it

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and to have your mug featured on StellaBlueCoffee.com. Visit Stella Blue Coffee today to learn more and use promo code untoldstory for 20% off orders of $25? Or find Stella blue coffee on Amazon for next day delivery great purpose through great coffee Speaking of age of consent dead your Alan Poe We just had our group chat. Yeah Yeah, I got into Edgar Allen Poe for this in history. March 6th was the day 1831, I believe, was the day that he was dismissed from West Point front for. But intentionally, what is it called dishonorably discharged?

Yeah, he was intentionally he wanted to get kicked out. So this is the day he got what's an honorable discharge hurt or you just retire. OK, if you win a war., yeah, that's the only okay yeah, but yeah, I did a deep dive on Edgar Allen Poe's Wikipedia and Whole boy he his wife was young Yeah, he's along the lines of the other guys we talked about when he was engaging in double jeopardy with the wife cousin and minor 13 year old cousin right every time he, that was also a dishonorable discharge. Yeah, that's right.

That's right. Very much so. Wikipedia just, it's too casual about it. Poe then returned to Baltimore where he obtained a license to marry his cousin, Virginia. He was 26 and she was 13. And that's it. You gotta like put that in like a different font.

Yeah. To show that like he don't think it's cool. That's one sentence buried, no blue links in it. You've got to put that in a different font to show that he don't think it's cool. That's one sentence buried, no blue links in it, doesn't draw the eye at all. Because even then that was illegal. Really? Yeah, in 2026 you were basically dead. Yes. Right.

And something wrong with you. So he had a witness, all they had to do is be like this this woman is 22 and then they did that one at the wedding picture of the pastor is harrowing But yeah, no his whole Wikipedia I mean it's it's tragic from start to finish it truly is his dad bailed year one after he was born both his actors were Both his parents were actors, which means that they were just pretty annoying, I imagine.

And then year two, his mom died of tuberculosis. Damn. Always, always orphaned before they can eat solid food. Yeah. Anybody, if you're famous before the internet, you got there by being an orphan. Every 1800s figure, prominent figure, parents gone so fast. And then. I'd say famous before the movie industry,

you had to be an orphan. Uh-huh, and then he was taken in by John Allen as a foster dad, I don't know why this random guy, but he was a rich merchant in Richmond, Virginia. So like, oh, maybe things are looking up, he's got like a rich foster dad. Here are the things that he sold, I want you to pay attention to how these things escalate, okay?

John Allen dealt in a variety of goods including cloth wheat tobacco tombstones and slaves Okay waited till the end the tombstones and slaves That was standard good John Allen that's Allen's tombstones and slaves would like on a sign It's also kind of what is that a horizontal monopoly? That you have going where like one side of your business just feeds the other side of your business wow Yeah, that's called right. Yeah, it'd be like you're like developing microplastics while selling tombstones You know just going into buy cigarettes and just like the impulse purchase slave at the register. Yeah

Since I'm here. I guess yeah, hey John. So what line of work are you in? Oh, you know? Tombstones and slaves oh very cool, and are you guys gonna buy your plot early my parents have theirs that I just you know my plans You want to space less interested unless there's some good real. I don't know why they were like pounced a good deal. I Don't know. I don't know. I'm with you Rudy. I would like to have my body jettisoned into outer space Yeah, because it's a vacuum right so you don't decompose right? I take it I think it wants them further everyone else has heard this but so mute your ears But PFT so my goal is to put my remains into a ship that leaves the solar system and then there's a non-zero chance my remains crash down into a ship that leaves the solar system and

Then there's a non-zero chance my remains crash down on a planet that can harbor life and then my Organic material triggers life on that planet good goal. That's a good goal. That's It's incredibly in our system. That's the most narcissistic thing of all time I just want to inconvenience my living loved ones make them travel and buy a black suit I'm gonna make my like grandkids run an ultra marathon with my ashes. Hahaha Do a destination funeral? Yeah, yeah. Yeah, we're somewhere really remote.

What's that one real- what's it called like Nemo Island? The Sentinelese Islands. Where anyone who shows up gets attacked. No, we're thinking of Point Nemo. Point Nemo. Point Nemo. That's where I want to be buried. Destination funeral. Oh my god. Nemo point me no that's where I want to be buried destination funeral Cash bar really expensive resort. I want to dry funeral Yeah, but yeah his life was his life was just terrible so then Poe went to UVA mm-hmm

UVA had a strict rule against gambling horses guns tobacco and alcohol, but these rules were always ignored And then Thomas Jefferson this was early UVA Thomas Jefferson enacted a enacted a system of student self-government So all students had to report all wrongdoings to the faculty Okay, so they couldn't get in trouble unless they self-reported themselves. And Thomas Jefferson did this? The Thomas Jefferson? Mm-hmm, I guess.

He went to school with Edgar Allan Poe. No, he founded the universities. Oh, okay. There's a thing at UVA where you don't say freshman, sophomore, junior, or senior. It's all first year, second year. Why? Because nobody can ever be considered

a senior in any form of study There's always more my god spare me Jesus wait do you think like malicec if I called and asked him like How would we get him in saying? Yeah, yeah, what yeah, where'd you live your sophomore year, then if he answered that would be like Incorrect you were never a sophomore your second year second year mm-hmm That's the worst they're the worst James Madison like what was the relationship there? He was much shorter He's five five one five two really yeah, it gets confusing because one of them lived

Monticello one lived at Montpelier very much Monticello one lived at Montpelier very much I was asking what the dichotomy was between the two colleges Well a lot of people that went to James Madison did not get into University of Virginia So there was like you know a bit of a mess did you put your shoulder go to UVA? I'd prefer not to answer that quite. I thought we're talking about micro. Oh, you're right No, I did not get into UVA, but I also did not want to go to UVA Okay, I applied there before I took a fucking joke and then I was like haha jokes on you. I'm not coming here Anyways, thanks for letting me eat in your cafeteria bitch. Yeah. Yeah, you didn't like the campus

I lived in Charlottesville for a year after I graduated and Charlottesville is a fine town There's no Hooters, but it's it's okay They do think it's Paris, France, though. People that heard people that live in Charlottesville think that Charlottesville is the best city in the world. I feel like that's like a lot of places they feel like it's the best. Yeah. But I think it all trickles down from Thomas Jefferson. People always say it's like a great food town in terms of like high culinary, not just like good food, like Southern food. But they say that the restaurants are just insane. They're all owned by the same guy though. They're all owned by I think he's the richest man in Virginia

He got rich by being Dave Matthews manager. Oh, yeah, Dave Matthews band from Charlottesville from Charlottesville Yeah, so his manager is corn capshaw. Well if you want to hear about rich so hit Ed ground pose foster dad corn cap Yeah, so he had ground pose foster dad corn and cap shop. Yeah, there is. That's his name. Or yeah, it was. It's a sick name. So his his foster dad, that was already rich from tombstones and slaves. His uncle died and he inherited 21 million dollars in the mid 18. Well, it was seven hundred fifty thousand dollars.

Adjusted. Yeah, it's still crazy. Twenty one million dollars. And then I guess because they had like they had beef when he was in college because of Edgar Lampau's gambling debts. And he's like, well, you're not giving me enough money for textbooks while having twenty one million dollars in the bank. Yeah. And so this sentence cracked me up, K.B. He then dropped out and broke up with his girlfriend,

and he moved to Boston, and, quote, sustained himself with odd jobs, but was unable to support himself. Okay. So he was sustained, but not supported. He got to, like, not support it. Eat in the kitchen. Yeah.

So he was not homeless, but he didn't have a home. That's exactly what it's saying. Yeah. I think just sustained means didn't die. Right. He moved to Boston where he didn't have a home. That's exactly what it's saying. Yeah, I think just sustained means didn't die Right move to Boston where he didn't die. I couldn't support this lifestyle. Yeah. Yes He had a house and said that he spent some money on a two-story house called Moldova I love that people used to just name their home. Yeah, that's what I'm thinking That was his boss foster dad every pillar month

Dove you people don't name their homes in it. Every house in London is named. You'll read about like a life of a beetle, and it's like, then he moved to like blank, and it's just the strangest name. People do that with their houses in Nantucket and Carmel by the Sea. That's right.

They name their homes. Yeah. That of a baby or a? No, it's like shit. Like a gray mist. Or it'll be like Beth's dream. Yeah, it's like like a gray mist or to be like Beth's dream That's yeah, it's like naming a boat boat. Yeah, very similar to a boat. Mm-hmm. Yeah OJ did that too. He named his home. Yeah rocking him What is it called? What if rocking him rocking him?

And it was like I can't wait to get home to rock him and it was like OJ gets his own name for his house Have you thought about doing it? No, I did name a house at one point. Yeah, I rented a beach house in Asbury Park, New Jersey Yeah, and the first week that we were there fights friend Mike came to visit Mm-hmm, and Mike had a dog that he named Mike and so that was the first weekend And so we just named the house Mike. I like that Yeah my I called my Columbus apartment the poison Cove I

Thought that was cool it was like right above a Panda Express and the fumes like it just it was always like a sticky air. Yeah, I felt like like a bog Yeah, I my college house was named Margaritaville and it's still in rotation. That's taken and Not original. Oh shit somebody else has that Because we had a party one time and my mom came and made margaritas Nice. Mm-hmm. That'll do it. I would have never guessed the origins of margaritaville

You'll never guess how we got the name that gives you a nice insight into the creativity of hockey players Yeah, it's like a guy's last name is bugman like oh, what's your nickname? He's like bugsy hockey nicknames are the worst Yes, it's at a Y at a Y and call it a day. What were you Rudy? roots There was a they took it for somebody else If you have the why they take it give it to somebody who doesn't once they realize I had a why the end of my Name there was a summit and a council Who gets his why? We must enact the protocol yeah

It was like a montage scene in Oppenheimer where they were trying to split the atom. It was, yeah, it's it. It was incredible. But yeah, his life was super depressing. He like just bounced around. He he joined the army under a fake name and faked his age, only made five bucks a month. And then during that time, he made his first he published his first book.

And then his first book was a hit, though he was off like the ground running apparently not because quote says the book received virtually no attention yeah oops I must have somebody must have edited the Wikipedia article but I don't I mean like if you read his Wikipedia you're like how is he famous he he and then he moved in with his like aunt or something and he said it was the first time in his life that he received any kind of positive reinforcement. God damn. And he's 22 at this point.

Well that's what you have to do. If you want your child to be like a famous artist, you've got to torment them and not be there. You have to be dead if you want your kid to be famous. You gotta die and then. Yeah, everything went bad. And then he said to be dishonorably discharged, he had to, his commanding officer said he had to patch

things up with his foster dad and he wrote him from. It's like Disney shit is that. Yeah, I don't to pat his commanding officer said he had to patch things up with his foster dad And he wrote him from months and Disney shit is that yeah? Yeah, I don't know why the command if you want to leave the military you must make things right with your dad We wrote him and his stepdad just ignored him. That's His death is the most interesting thing to me Yeah, mystery right a lot of so he was found in different clothes And he was a drinker and he was hammered. So it was on an election night. And it was one of those things where the candidates would go out and their team would get people drunk.

Yeah. And tell them to go vote. Cooning and then they would give them a different set of clothes and then they would go vote again and pay the person. So I think that's what happened to him. Yeah. I had heard ether was involved. Oh, maybe so. That might be happened to him. Yeah, I had heard ether was involved. Uh, maybe so that might be what they did Yeah, let's see cooping a form of electoral fraud. Yeah Yeah ether might have been that might be a old wives tale. Can you still do ether? I think you can yeah

What is ether? But there was a I once had an episode There's a book of curious George where I think he didn't he like huff a bunch of ether and Pass out curious George. I think he did the the children's Well, you know he belonged to the man in the yellow hat which one was he he was a guy Oh my god, he does do either Why did curious because he's curious Why did curious because he's curious Why did murder and Joe kill that could Curious George do this?

Shouldn't even know. Yeah, the only thing I know about Ether is everything is from Once Upon a Time in Las Vegas. Because they just do Ether. You can buy two movies. Yeah, it's a great movie though. Once Upon a Time in Hollywood Vegas. Yeah, I think it's like ethanol alcohol or some shit. I don't know. I just did like Western women do it like Old West like the

Russell's wife do it in tombstone. I feel like that's an old timey one. We're like just half this ether It'll take care of whatever you need and I did it did yeah, you just need more. Let's see. Yeah, can we buy some? That'll be interesting? It's gotta destroy brain cells right like Seriously anything cool does brother? He also got utterly disrespected after his death Oh, oh what happened to him in his obituary it said this announcement will startle many, but few will be grieved by it Oh my god, and then it was later revealed that his biggest op wrote it

Is like one of his biggest haters wrote his obituary fucking wordsmith? Yeah, and Griswold just great. That's the perfect name for an op Never been a friend No one's on good terms with a griswold Rufus Rufus Rufus grizz walt and his most famous work is the Raven right or Raven. Yeah. Yeah, you got paid house of usher time hard He made nine nine dollars. What's his estate worth today? based on this Wikipedia, I think negative I think I think Grizz walt might have written this Wikipedia page. Yeah, It reads like that. Nobody liked it. He had no money. No one ever.

By the way, when they say he didn't receive positive reinforcement until he was 22, at some point that's on you. Yeah. You must suck. Yeah. You suck. You didn't do anything good. Nothing good. Yeah. Yeah. And like every paragraph is him moving to Baltimore or Boston and then working for a newspaper editor and it goes bankrupt. And then in there mixed in there, he marries a minor. And then he goes to another newspaper, that one goes bankrupt.

Like it's just nonstop L's. He was a drunk, right? Like a nuisance of a drunk. There's like disputes about like, if he was a drunk or wasn't. Like, I don't know. What? Yeah, like everyone's supposed that he was a drunk.

He was supposed to be in some White House cabinet position and Was working with them and they guarantee the position that he just didn't go to the meeting so they gave it to somebody else And they all said that he was drunk and he got fired from a newspaper for being drunk on the job Oh weekend. I believe he was a drunk. Yeah, it seems he may have been a drunk probably have to be a poet You can't be a sober poet Yeah, but yeah, this part right here is pretty I might I might rebrand as the server I would have changed my own first. I might have move. Can you squat on that? Yeah, can you squat on the self-acclaimed?

So I'm the sober poet And like I'm just yeah, they are the most pompous They put themselves on the highest pedestal Yeah, it's a variant of the mindful jock. Yeah, you're right the sober poet You know about the mindful jock. Oh, I'm familiar with my yeah. Oh, yeah. Yeah, you were the Ukrainian Ukrainian You were the brains by the Ukrainian terrible towel I retired that one pretty quick Yeah, I think I might have turned notifications on because you told me that I was like okay I want to see what the mind nothing nothing had to get a single month and dude I paid like I bought that

Kaepernick Steelers Jersey, that's it I think it was an excuse to buy that piece The most recent is for mindful Jock. This is concerning in spite of Rudy's Epstein list. Oh, yeah, he didn't like that Concerning in spite of Rudy's Epstein list. Oh, yeah, he didn't like that But this part's crazy right here that William Butler Yates Was a critic of Poe's and then Ralph Waldo Emerson also talked shit about him They referred to Poe as the jingle man and that's fucked up Aldous Huxley He said that his writing falls into vulgarity by being too poetical his His poems are too poetical. They hate him.

His name's Poe, like this guy's too poetical. So do you have any notes on, do you have any like tips on my poetry or anything like that? It's too poetical. A little bit too much poetry. That's what you say when you can't think of an insult, but you just hate the guy. It's too poem. It's way too poetical.

But also the fact that like three of the biggest writers in the entire world. Yeah like those were like the famous guy They still are like the best they talking shit like he was I feel like Poe was doing something right this guy had to have been Insufferable then Poe yeah, no comp. Yeah, no one seemed to like him Nobody and I just realized Poe is just like most of poem Yeah, is that on purpose that a stage a pen name? I don't know if so if he named himself Poe because he wanted to write poems, then I agree with everybody else that talks shit. He sucks. He wasn't given that name, was he? Edgar Poe. Oh, yeah. So that's just, it just worked out. Yeah, Podca cut Wait a minute did you know I?

Mean poet that's a lot of that's the majority of Poem po 75% that's 75% of poem. I didn't realize that till just now, too Man interesting guy rest in peace yeah, yeah If you when reading his Wikipedia, I was like why is this guy considered one of the best? He just gets he just gets shit on the whole thing. I kind of like that, though. Yeah. So you actually will read his works. Well, I think you had to.

I'm familiar with the Raven. It kind of bangs. It just scared him, right. There was a raven tapping on his window. Mm hmm. Wrap, wrap, wrapping upon my chamber door. I only I don't know if I've ever read The Raven, but I've watched The Simpsons where Homer does the raven probably 200 times.

OK, it's really good. How long is The Raven? 18 page poem. To doozy. Yeah, the only thing I saw him in, which is like not it's like historical fiction, is the Christian Bale thing pale blue eye Where they have Edgar Allen Poe and it's a murder mystery. I've never I've never seen any of actually kind of bangs

But it's shorter my bad Yeah, I don't I don't once upon a midnight tree that does sound that's a good start you like that Okay, yeah, and he rhymes A lot of films don't rhyme. Did I see the Migos doing this at one point? Did the Migos do the Raven? They read llama llama red pajama. Oh, they should do the Raven. Well, yeah rappers They start covering some of them should yeah, or some of them can I Like when they do the llama llama red pajama. What is that they go on this one radio station? They just always have rappers read llama llama red pajama. I don't know what llama llama red pajama

I don't really I think it's a children's books goes llama llama red pajama Don't do it eats his mama's yeah, and they it sounds awesome. I've seen that Rudy. It's great. Yeah, it's awesome What's that kid kids book Melanie has two mommies I? Was in the crossword well. Yeah, I was in the crossword yesterday. I don't know what that is though Heather has two mommies But it's like the scariest cuff It's like there's a wolf. Yeah, it's a wolf chasing her. It's a lesson not to have two moms What was the what was the crazy thing that you really wanted as a kid like that Kevin Bogg I clearly was like from a young age was like I want to have my own state like it's a very

confident like I'm gonna make my own country and I'm gonna be the king I was dead set on having Dexter's laboratory. I wanted to invent shit Um I wanted the microwave from spy kids, and I always wanted a secret door Yeah, mm-hmm. Yeah, which I feel like you know is Obtainable you get yeah, you can make a secret door for sure, but then you couldn't tell anybody about yeah, right That's kind of self-defeating secret door a secret room. Mm- or secret room. That's where the secret door would lead. A go-kart. Yeah, I wanted a go-kart so that- It kind of ruined my life

because nothing was a go-kart. One thing is a go-kart. Nothing I received was ever a go-kart. I stopped enjoying at age 12 because it wasn't a go-kart. And the idea of having a go-kart was just all I could obsess over and I thought it would be the best I had an even more delusional one

I was utterly convinced that there was a go-kart version of a miniature Aston Martin and that there was some that's delusional Yeah, did you and I don't know I'm someone it somewhere like thought it existed And I kept as my friends like there's a miniature car that I will legally be out allowed to drive You just have to find it. Did you know anybody with a go-kart? I? Did a few friends I had one friend my mom wouldn't even let me in it I couldn't fathom like having that power right I don't think kids should have been able to do that all I wanted was light-up shoes when you stepped down and my dad said not in this house which I don't know if you thought you think they were gay or satanic? I don't know. Probably dangerous.

Not in this fucking house. Light up shoes. I mean that is embarrassing if you're of the age. I was of the age of light up shoes. That's like two. No, no. Two to five. They had lights up to like nine years old.

You can't be nine. These light up shoes are a pretty cool way until you see my miniature constitution. Yeah, that's that's what pushed me into that This dad was like absolutely not if you go outside at night. I don't want any cars. Yeah, right. What was the damn? They never got him for me. I Got an electric scooter one Christmas though. That's the second thing that I want it But the next day I had to put it too far in the garage. My dad ran it over broke it Didn't get another get to I had one day One day sorry yeah, no he blamed on you. I think you blame me I want to call

Did my mom run it over my dad it ruined my? Childhood Because I wanted it so bad and I had it. It's worse to have it for one day and have it ripped away. Way worse. And I remember they got me something that wasn't of equal value to make up for it at all. So I gotta get this, I gotta figure this out.

Hello? Mai. Yes. You're on the podcast and I brought up the electric scooter. Oh no. Who hit it? Dad. And what did you guys get me to fill the void?

It wasn't, it was not of equal value. I think it was something pretty whack, like a sticky hand. I doubt that. Whatever you guys got me did not it sucked are you still mad about the electric you ran it I had it for how long how long how long did I have it no wasn't a couple I was couple days good fun Logan Seidler wrote it more than me No, you won't all right, love you ma Yeah, that's what it was something so whack they were like sorry for running over your gift I would have done I think I had it for about three days. Oh my god, and it was snowy out

So I could only do it in the garage. I remember my yeah, I Would I would have I don't know what I would have done something very bad If it was an electric scooter because I remember I wanted that like right after a go-kart It was that and then a golden retriever and never had any no you have the dog. I got some good shit I got good shit. No doubt. I never got the dog there was allergies I got some good shit. I got good shit. No doubt. I never got the dog. There was allergies Well, what was the excuse for go-kart from the effort from you? You had a great yard for a go-kart

I think it was dangerous and I agree. Yeah, those are dangerous. Are they oh? They're yeah They go that fucking fast my sister flew off a track and and like almost a capitator. Oh my god. Yeah, I Got it. What's like a I? Have like go-kart places that you can go to I think the majority people that go there are doing like Corporate team building building exercises. It's like we're gonna drive go-karts for a day, and there's always some serious crash exercises it's like we're gonna drive go-karts for a day and there's always some serious crash like you see all really yeah the whiplash on those things is you always bump yeah I'm slamming to the wall and I was like that could have

been grave oh yeah we did it for like you remember I was like our school versus America and you slammed into the wall so hard the whole place just went that's right I got um something like something that could have been a little bit worse which would have been very bad your neck like sore You hurt you hit the wall there was a close to a concussion So you just couldn't handle it does that what you think your parents thought I Guess like they were right. I Didn't have the skills

Not that you were a kid they were just like this kid doesn't have a Get you a go-kart, but you're just not there. Yeah, not there skill wise for a go-kart Yeah, one time I wanted something and they just got me a trophy instead I was into trophies. Oh, yeah, of course real big trophy Instead of like a oh dude before I got this job, and I was being like a just a goofball for free I just contacted this trophy place to get like an eight foot tall trophy And I wanted the plaque at the bottom to say tallest trophy award Like how'd you get oh, and I wanted to like just have it in my apartment

But I I didn't get it made because I didn't have the funds, but I was always a dream of mine I would actually rock if a sports team did banner night and the banner just unfolded and said banner night. Commemorating banner night. And the tallest trophy award goes to, I guess, me. It's a paradox. You actually can't give away. I won tallest. Yeah, it's impossible to give that away. You have it forever. It's a paradox. You actually can't give away. I won tallest, yeah. It's impossible to give that away.

You have it forever, it's a binding item. Yeah, I didn't have any trophies as a kid. They just got you one? I had disgusting amounts. Not even bragging. Yeah, you are. You said disgusting amounts. We had to disgusting like rooms full Because I would go to a wrestling tournament every weekend And there's sometimes be like two-man brackets and then be trophies for top four

So it was like a guaranteed trophy a week wrong. Well, dude, I I talked about my science fair Yeah, you got second only person in the state in my category for the state science fair I didn't meet the point threshold for first, so I came in second. And I had to go up on the podium while people clapped. Empty podium on the second ring, dude. And my mom, like, since I didn't have any awards, she kept my medal and put it in, like, my senior scrapbook. You know, like, there were scrapbooks of, like, kindergarten to senior year?

Yeah. My mom put that in there and they're, like, the big achievements page. So you lost to nobody? I didn't meet the point threshold So I came in second but it was in front of the whole state at the call at West Liberty So everybody was clapping for me as I had to stand up there And get a medal put on my every second fucking place. I love that West Virginia state champion in science is nobody Which is fair yes

We're only good yeah But I remember like putting it on like college applications that I came in second in the state in the state like science fair What was the what was the project you did it was under social sciences? I would I dressed like a punk and went to the Ohio Valley mall and Asked people what time it was to see if they would ignore me And then I put on nice clothes and went and asked people and see how the different differ of answers That's actually kind of what you learn didn't care. We're very open. I guess when a Eighth-grade boys looking lost they'll help

That eighth grader looks like bad news He's wearing a jean vest I look so young. You were preteen dude. Yeah, so like it would make sense if it was like an adult that looked rough but in my There's like really chubby-faced little boy You're gonna be like fuck all these people man adults discriminate I'm wearing an operation ivy t-shirt like I'm not telling him the time I'm not telling this lost boy the time. I went to London one time back in like

2005 I think and I went there with will from hard factor and we spent an entire afternoon Walking around right in front of Big Ben asking people for the time and then just taking pictures every time they like Pull their wrist down you get wrist shots Pointing at their wrist to will the world's largest clock is direct Was good that is a good one Was this in the Facebook era? Did you get to post that at least I don't know if it was pre Facebook I think but maybe I can that's now we we're gonna. I would have went crazy crazy on tumblr Yeah, that would have gone if I stumbled upon that in college. Yeah, I would have loved that

Man stumble upon what a great thing that was the best website ever but now there's only like three websites on earth, right? Which so yeah, just like you would think about it's kind of like early tick-tock because you just scroll You don't know where you're gonna get. Yeah, it was the best. Oh, it still exists, it guess exists, but I found some really funny stuff on there, but it doesn't matter. Yeah.

That was so good. I miss that. Doesn't matter at all. I remember I did one, I think I may have told this story before, but my science project, one of them was studying which waxes made you board slide faster. Okay, that's of course what you did.

That's of course what you did. The coolest thing. You did that. And you ended up fucking one of the judges, right? That's so embarrassing. No, but like it was a terrible experience. Yeah, it was judged by like a bikini model and you ended up fucking her

and she still didn't give you a good score. That was probably the lowest moment of your life. It was a terrible experiment. Because I could only board slide like six inches. I wasn't good enough to actually board slide. And then I just decided the next year to explode Nalgene's. Because they were supposedly indestructible. So I put an M80 in it.

And it blew up. It cracked. That's it. Which is impressive. Genes just cracked. The genes cracked. The Nalgene. The bottle.

It wasn't pants he was destroying. Yeah. What? What are you talking about? It's a brand of water bottle. And it's now jeans? Now jeans. They're very popular in Colorado. How would I assume that's a beverage?

It's not a beverage. It's just a plastic water bottle. Mook, did you know what it was? Now jeans? I'm not going to lie. I thought he was talking about real jeans. Yeah. I thought you were talking about like a branded jeans.

Blowing up pants. I'm sorry I didn't. Which pants don't blow up is a really good science fair project. You're blowing up jeans. I'm not going to lie. I thought he was talking about real jeans. Yeah. I thought you were talking about like a branded jeans. Blowing up pants. I'm sorry I didn't know. Which pants don't blow up is a really good science fair project. Yeah, you're blowing up jeans. That would have been way cooler.

And they cracked. Yeah, the jeans cracked from the stick of dynamite. Just right down the middle. You know what that is? Yeah, I guess that's... That's crack jeans. That's the first result for jeans that crack. Best jeans for guys with high ass crack. Jeans that crack best jeans for guys with high ass crack Crackless jeans They have a push-up jeans on

It's great You could if you if they were so indestructible supposedly that if you broke one you could return it and get a brand new one So I wanted to test that theory And it's a dynamite Like a small stick of dynamite one of the first videos I ever made with like my friends You know when you get like the family camcorder I thought it would be funny to do a video about a plumber without a butt crack and so he kept on going under and There was no butt crack. I mean it is but we didn't know how to do it sweet. We bought like Caulking and tried to like caulk my buddy. My buddy Josh And paint it beige

But then you could just see. You could see. Yeah, so it was a failure of a project You caulked his butt crack? Caulked the top of his ass. What was that like coming out? Well taking it off. I don't it came right out. Does it? Yeah, I thought it was sticky I get a shower, but it dried and like we I mean that's funny too some guy who caulks his ass always so homophobic I mean that's funny too some guy who calcs his ass always so homophobic Like a dude from the south visiting New York City for the first time he's like I better caulk my ass I know I don't worry. I can't prepare it. I cemented my ass

Just put the cock in there just to do go to San Francisco like Just strafing everywhere so he can't be facing his ass. Yeah, you told me this is called cock You put what in your ass? Oh My god, uh PFT you want to plug up part of my take? Yeah My part of my take check it out by castle Barstool sports. Mm-hmm. Yeah, and I'll go check that out Yeah, yeah, throw them a like guys and subscribe trying to find this picture of will shown Getting shown the time in front of Big Ben. It's got to be in here somewhere I used to do this bit where every time I would go to a landmark I would treat it like pizza and so I'd go like this

I like that, but I didn't travel enough for the bit so I started Come across anything tall enough Because I was like it was before this job. And so I think I did the Golden Gate Bridge. That's really fun. And then, yeah. I would just, I would be pizza-ing in front of different monuments.

But then I like, didn't travel enough and I wanted the bit to keep going. So I'd do it in front of things that didn't deserve it. Like, I didn't front of like David I wanted the bit to keep going. So I'll do it in front of things that didn't deserve it. Like I didn't feel like David Buster's. And she'll like that. Pft. What are you been into lately? What's been fucking you up? That's a good question. I've been.

I've been waking up because I got this new blindfold that I put on when I go to sleep, which has changed my life. Yeah, it's got it's a Bluetooth blindfold. So it's got these tiny little earphones in a blindfold. No, it's a blindfold, but it's got it's a bluetooth blindfold, so it's got these tiny little Windfold no, it's a blindfold, but it's got it's got speakers in the ear and they're flat Oh, you can lay on your side you can lay in your side and fall asleep at night blocks everything out The problem is my algorithm my youtube algorithm takes me into places I don't want to be especially not while I'm sleeping so I'll wake up and it'll just be like seven hours of

Heathrow airport landing traffic like the air traffic controller. Oh my gosh, and I wake up to them like this this sucks I hate this that's one of the wildest problems. I've ever heard yeah, dude life must be tough Are you're bad at sleeping? I don't think I'm bad at it. So yeah, I got that one on the left there. Wait, I have that. I started out with it. I ruined it. How'd you ruin it?

I don't know. Wait, what? I just couldn't figure it out. The amount of tech that you've bought and thrown away because you can't figure it out. I couldn't figure it out. But yeah, I just got a regular one now. No tech. You getting defeated by products is one of my favorite

Thank you getting the giant bean bag and ripping it open because you thought that was the bag it was in I was Flummoxed by the material that's in a bean bag I'm still shocked. That's what's in bean bags I kind of want to start shipping people like putting up my own eBay store and we just sell boxes. Selling boxes. And then just see how many people destroy the product when it arrives. Dude I want to give people garbage cans and just see how they get rid of it. I don't know how you get rid of a garbage can.

I think you got to light it on fire. I've been privileged enough not to have to. Yeah? We can't give people trays anymore because they don't appreciate them We're due to buy him another gift. Oh my god. We never even talked about we never talked We got well it was under well the office producer Noah Ives We decided who could be the most random person we buy something really nice for so we bought him a Tiffany silver platter me Brandon Rudy Kyle all pitched in by the platter and

We had his first hit we didn't know his middle name, so just as an eye on it And from us hey never said a word No, yeah some you get if you finish second in a tennis tournament. It does I think tennis plates are a cooler thing than a trophy I like plates The ones that you you mount standing up. Yeah, I need to get less space. Yeah or a cooler thing than a trophy. I like plates. The ones that you mount standing up? Yeah, they take up less space. Mm-hmm.

Yeah, we gotta get him, I think that's on us. We didn't go nice enough. So I think we gotta buy him something nicer. We got him that. I was waiting for the video reveal of him lighting up when he opened it. Nothing. He didn't even mention it to anyone.

Really? Like so there was not even like a secondhand account of how he enjoyed that. I got the notification that it was delivered. And Tommy Smokes was like, yeah, he got it. That's it. But Tommy had to ask him if he got it and he just said yes.

And Tommy didn't ask any other questions. That's why it's so perfect. That's why it's so perfect. He just like that. It was a nice, we gotta go nice. What do we get him next car a Vehicle no, let's get him a horse. It's gonna skeet it horse a horse would be cool That would be a good prank for somebody's birthday like you bring them a puppy and then everybody else does as well Everybody shows up with a puppy Everybody else does as well.

Everybody shows up with a puppy. That was like when we wanted to gazebo somebody. Oh, yeah, we wanted to buy Fiddleberg a gazebo. Yeah, forgot about that. There's a lot of failed things. That's all we do. So many. Oh man. All right, anything else boys? I'm out. The Beev on Mukan Sleep. Oh, yeah. Check that out. That'll be fantastic. What are you guys doing? Spoilers we're doing like a deep dive into the beef. Okay, that'll be a long episode Pft. Probably knows all I know all I have something I want to bring up. I don't know if I can play it or not What is it the Cribs video? Oh, yeah, you play the Cribs video. This year. I've seen it I think I've seen it college Cribs video dude is Cribs the default guy gets camcorder guy makes cribs. Yeah Every dude makes always the same

Do cribs that's fun experiment give a guy a camcorder. How long does it take to make cribs? So I have a lot planned we're gonna deep dive into the bee even take live calls love that there's yeah There's skinny little bee right there. What is this next thing you're about to see my ass in a second I There's yeah, there's skinny little beef right there. What is this next thing you're about to see my ass in a second I? Believe when you go into the kitchen this this was actually all the trash that was in our town This is awesome. This is like p. College. Yeah, we lit all that trash on fire at one point did a controlled burn out front and then there's your oh, here we go laughter laughter laughter look at that cute little butt

good butt it's not a little butt it's a fat perfect ass if you crop that in yeah that looks like that scene from signs where they see the alien oh yeah, it's the same. Abominos children.

But yeah, say what's up to the beef. I think I'm going out for dinner with the beef and maybe Kate on Friday. Fuck yeah. Mm-hmm. Yeah. God bless you. Order up. That's the like the- a guy not knowing what to say.

Bon appetit. Sorry I have dinner. Okay, order up. My compliments to the chef. It seemed like a kind of like an apropos statement. Ah, forks. Order up, bro.

Oh yeah bro, order the fuck up. He said he was going to eat. Look at that menu. That's one of the... Oh my god. Alright, god bless. Fuck it's one of the All right, God bless oh, how do your sign off what's my sign off you had a custom you had a sign off What did I say last time? What was it? You said you were gonna sign off that way every episode was it scared were you like? there's a

What was your sign off gonna be be? I don't know. You said you were going to do it every episode. I think it lasted one episode throughout this office. Are you guys... That was it. Sign us off again? That's it. That's it?

Yeah, you say it like that. I can work that in. All right, sign us off. That's it. That's it. That's it. That's it. That's it.

That's it. That's it. That's it. That's it. That's it.