A New Untold Story - Little Rock Heat Check - A New Untold Story: Ep. 327

Episode Date: January 19, 2023

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Discussion (0)
Starting point is 00:00:00 Hey, a new untold story listeners, you can find every episode on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or YouTube. Prime members can listen to ad free on Amazon Music. Can you edit this in the beginning of the pod? Brawley, Kyle, you're going to want to sit down for this. Oh my God, dude. You want me to reject your reply to what I'm going to say? No, you're just going to say like, no, that's a new untold story. Hey, is that story old or told? No, dude. You want me to reject your reply to what I'm going to say? No, you're just going to say, like, no, that's a new untold story. Hey, is that story old or told?
Starting point is 00:00:28 No, baby. That's a new untold story. A new untold story. It's a fresh, big untold story. A new untold story a new untold story a new untold story episode what dude from the four cupcakes dude i ate them fast you had dude i had a shih tzu chip who got into four cupcakes and he was it was the happiest day of his life babies accidentally get into him they just go viral
Starting point is 00:01:10 for having frosting on their face this is a testament to how healthy i am my body is complete aren't you talking about you have pints of ice cream stop it four cupcakes it's four cupcakes dude have you ever took down four cupcakes? No. I did once. That's how I won the Purple Raider Open. Were you burping on purpose to piss me off to set you up for a wrestling? Yeah. Okay.
Starting point is 00:01:38 What's the episode number today? 327. So 327, I looked it up. It's an area code for Arkansas. That's all the information I could find. I don't know if it's in use, but it says it is for Arkansas. So we're going to have to take down the entire state, which is arguably and this can be argued by scholars, the worst state of the 50. I don't even know what they have. So people will say West Virginia, Mississippi.
Starting point is 00:02:09 Mississippi has beaches. West Virginia has the kid. Arkansas. Arkansas is like if you took the South and you took away all the appealing aspects of the South, the beaches, the attractive women, the sports success. You multiply the racism by like three, two or three. Okay. And that's it. But like, what do big cities, if you want to watch an NFL game, if you want to root
Starting point is 00:02:34 for a team, you want to go to a game, you have to travel 500 miles. Atlanta? From Little Rock to the closest, even pro sports team would probably be. I don't even know who it would be. Oklahoma City. That's the Thunder, though. If you want to watch an NFL game, I don't know. Dallas.
Starting point is 00:02:51 That's bad. Arkansas. I looked it up there. 49th in health care. That's telling. West Virginia and Mississippi exists, and you're still 49th. Mississippi doesn't have multi-story hospitals. West Virginia's health care is just the opioid epidemic still 49th. Mississippi doesn't have multi-story hospitals. West Virginia's health care is just the opioid epidemic.
Starting point is 00:03:08 49th. I think their infrastructure is. They don't have any multi-story hospitals. I was just. They're all ranch style. Yeah. They're all in plazas. You were born in.
Starting point is 00:03:20 I was born in a strip mall. Dude, it's like this strip mall used to be a blockbuster, but now it's a coffee and tanning. And then right next to it is Wheeling Hospital in the same strip mall. And then there's pizza place. But I was born between a blockbuster and a defilice pizza. Was it a ranch style? It was just it was a strip mall. Yeah, it was a strip mall.
Starting point is 00:03:40 It's kind of dope. Yeah. What else do we got? Yeah. Are you still going in on Arkansas? A little dope. Yeah. What else do we got? Yeah. Are you still going in on Arkansas? A little bit. Okay. Most famous people, usually like shitty places, cities, states make up for it by having like
Starting point is 00:03:53 unusually famous people from there. Not for Arkansas. Here's their top four living people. Top four most famous. We have one actor. Okay. One musician, one politician, and one athlete. According to thefamouspeople.com, the most famous living person from the state of Arkansas is Scotty Pippen.
Starting point is 00:04:20 He's not even the most famous person who's fucked his wife. He's not even the most famous person who's fucked his wife. Oh, no. So that's Arkansas's most famous person. Oh, God. Oh, shit. Oh, my God. Next up, politician.
Starting point is 00:04:44 We know that. Yeah. Bill Clinton. Yeah. Bill Clinton. Yeah. He's not even the most famous Bill C on Little St. James. Third up. Jesus Christ. Billy Bob Thornton. He's cool.
Starting point is 00:04:55 He was like the third most famous person on Mr. Woodcock. And then the next up is a musician. Their most famous musician is Neo. Not even the most famous feature on Knock You Down by Carrie Hilson. And that's that. Sarah Huckabee Sanders is their new governor. Yeah. I'm not going to heat check Sarah Huckabee Sanders.
Starting point is 00:05:18 Actually, I tried. I went to her Instagram. Her latest picture, she's rocking four different shades of blue. What? Really? Yeah. But the heat check isn't about senators or governors. It's mayors. It's mayors. So I don't know.
Starting point is 00:05:34 Little Rock or Arkansas doesn't have a mayor. Little Rock does. Okay. So we're going to heat check him. Let's pull him up. What's he got? Did you see the comments on the last mayor's instagram yeah i felt bad yeah it was his merry christmas it was thanking god thanking everybody thank family and everybody just says heat check and it was like the downward emoji the trending down emoji and it felt it kind of felt
Starting point is 00:05:57 like there was like racial guilt involved is this guy white this guy's's black. Frank Scott Jr. 10K on the gram. He's putting up pine bluff numbers. That's not bad. He's early in his tenure. But let's heat check. So he looks like he's posted up with like the local homecoming court. Or like the African-American homecoming court.
Starting point is 00:06:22 Okay. Or like the drum. I don't know. The drum line. All right. On dome. On dome. We got the black on black custom rock city fitted. Probably random.
Starting point is 00:06:36 At least a Ulysses. Wait, what bill? What bill is Ulysses? I have no idea. 50 spot. This is the new era one I'm thinking of. It's probably 45 plus shipping. Ulysses S. Johnson is on the 50?
Starting point is 00:06:51 That's Grant. Grant. Who's Ulysses Johnson? Sliding down to the frames. He's got the matte black, the Rockwell. What is it called? Rockwell hard shells. Accentuating his chestnut eyes.
Starting point is 00:07:11 Iris popping like Buffalo 04. On torso. This is what. So two for two. On torso, he has the official Frank Scott Jr. Mayorhood. Oh, wait, he's got merch. That's yeah.
Starting point is 00:07:24 He's rocking his own merch. It's flanked by what is this? What is this? This is like a black Givenchy metallic puffer, I think. OK, just ruffles. It's wavy. Three for three, four for four.
Starting point is 00:07:40 There he is. What is that? So the one you're talking about? Look at that. That's it. That's it that's it next up Kyle why'd you think that was a drum line the black stitch truey
Starting point is 00:07:50 slim fit 36 on his waist Jerome Bettis down south we got what are those those are the infrared air maxes the 90s that's fly that's ruffles and then if you go to the next page he's leaning on an all-black he's matching his fit with the truck he has the all-black f-250 super duty heat check saharan
Starting point is 00:08:13 only one comment let's change that so yeah we are we letting him know that he passed the heat check tell him he passed the heat check and use words and verbiage to describe how he passed the heat check this is my new favorite thing dude i just show frank scott jr you're good at this man yeah i'm glad you blessed him you're good at this you're good at this kyle's gonna like buff up a political candidate on accident yeah you're gonna have too much power yeah that this is awesome yeah yeah yeah this is awesome um well uh senators john boosman you're still in arkansas senators their their names john boosman and tom cotton john boosman every friend group needs a John Boozman.
Starting point is 00:09:06 That's like the nickname for a guy who just drinks a lot. A regular John Boozman. Tom Cotton. Something about. Something about they picked Cotton. I don't know. Let's start the pod. Let's start the podcast. let's start that damn cupcake
Starting point is 00:09:27 we were just before we started recording we were talking about sass he's tweeted a picture of him doing the rubik's cube and tyler you said you could do it and rudy you can do it or no no i i refuse to do it out of fear that i will no if a dork can do something well, then you like, yeah, but like the ultimate, yeah, the ultimate deniability though. Cause like you can just learn the algorithm and the pattern,
Starting point is 00:09:52 but the ultimate deniability, my fear is that if I, I'm, I can't compute the algorithm and then I can't even do it. So if I never do it, then there's no room for failure. That's fine. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:10:02 I don't know. Like a good looking guys have destroyed dork culture oh because of streaming big time because of streaming yeah and then logan paul with pokemon cards and then just like chess chess is a hot girl thing yeah well twins what's left both has twins i know they were in the office they were it. It's weird. I, when I'm watching content, I kind of don't want the person, if it's like a male, I don't want him to be ugly. No.
Starting point is 00:10:31 The gross. I want him to be hot, like attractive. I want him to be a mid level. Mid level. Yeah. I don't want too hot. Cause then I'll resent.
Starting point is 00:10:43 Makes it easier. For sure. I think you just hover in that middle level. Today is supposed to be the roast of quadriplegics. I felt really bad writing these. Let's get into it. It was requested, though. It was requested.
Starting point is 00:11:00 What was his name? Brawley. Brawley. Yeah, he specifically DM'd me. I read it last week. He wants more quad jokes and he wasn't nice about it. So no, he wasn't at all. He wasn't at all.
Starting point is 00:11:13 I don't know why. Like people assume if you're in a chair, you're nice. Yeah. He is probably one of the better reasons to be. Seated people are the meanest. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Tony Stewart. Him.
Starting point is 00:11:33 The guy who dropped the nuke on Japan. Yeah, he was... Yeah, you think he was sitting down when he made the call? He had polio, didn't he? What? Frank Roosevelt? Wasn't that president? No, I thought Dwight D. did it. Ike.
Starting point is 00:11:49 Maybe he... Who dropped... No, Truman dropped the bomb. Harry Truman dropped the bomb. Truman, Eisenhower, those two are one and the same to me. I can't...
Starting point is 00:11:57 I don't know what their differences are. I like Ike. It was a cool pin and then Truman had the Dewey defeats Truman newspaper. That's right.
Starting point is 00:12:08 Makes up for my Ulysses S. Johnson flub. So last week when we were talking about that, I just made podcast notes and I spilled water on the first word of something of quadriplegics. So I was like racking my brain. What are we doing of quadriplegics this week? And boast of quadriplegics? No. What would they brag about? Ghost of quadriplegics?
Starting point is 00:12:33 Creepy. Tales from the crypt. Coast of quadriplegics? Assuming their bearings are oiled probably pretty far toast of quadriplegics i googled that yeah i only got a highlight video of a wheelchair football league wide receiver look him up riley blee he was burning the dbs completely breaking away scored a 60 yard touchdown for a big win for the Buffalo Medical Bills. Unfortunately, they lost to the Chargers in the next round. They forgot to pack them.
Starting point is 00:13:15 Couldn't move their chairs. How did we wait so long to do that? The most obvious roast of all time. Oh, roast. most obvious roast oh roast okay that's a word yeah so the the last time we joked about the paralyzed i actually got a dm for uh from a bound listener he was livid he was really mad it seemed like i really struck a chord. It's ironic that a chord being struck is probably the reason he's in the chair. His spinal cord probably struck by maybe lightning. No,
Starting point is 00:13:54 all kidding aside, when Brawley reached out to us, he said he wanted made fun of, uh, I sent some jokes that I had written to see if I had overstepped. Uh, but in handicap fashion, he wanted me to ramp it up. Brawley, I bet you hate us.
Starting point is 00:14:14 Two able-bodied podcast hosts. Walkie talkies. What can you say about quadriplegics that hasn't been said? They're cool. Now, I'm sure there's perks for quadriplegics if they're in enough pain. Boy, you're third wheeling when you go to dinner alone. Go ahead and do some donuts in the parking lot. I still ain't jelly rolls.
Starting point is 00:14:51 Those ain't your friends. That's your pit crew. Me before you. The Untouchables. The Theory of Everything. These are all movies with a wheelchair bound man as the lead. What do we know about those? No sequels.
Starting point is 00:15:10 You guys know why? You need an elevator if you want to make it to the second story. Oh, shit. How the fuck am I supposed to feel bad for people on death row when this dude got a life sentence and the electric chair? Damn. Pick one.
Starting point is 00:15:32 You have a four-wheeler, but the only entertainment you got is ATV. I feel so bad. Why am I empathizing with an entire group of people? As a whole. I feel so bad. I'm done.
Starting point is 00:15:54 I feel genuinely bad. Oh, fuck. You just went off. It was so easy. God damn, i feel bad shout out brawley dude yeah was he cool what brawley what was like he's not gonna be pissed i made that up no no yeah that didn't happen no No. I think you DM me something nice. Kyle. He didn't ask for a row.
Starting point is 00:16:32 We'll see. We can still do it. I'm sure he could. He'll take it. Well, dude, dude, I'm done.
Starting point is 00:16:41 Say psych. I'm done for. Yeah. Yeah. What did you just want to know my predictions on the Australian Open? Oh, my God. He listens to every episode. All right.
Starting point is 00:16:51 Let's can we do like he said he like he's laughed at the quad jokes in the past, but he was never like, oh, this is an invitation for you to continue to roast me and us. Can you edit this in the beginning of the pod? Brawley Kyle you're going to want to sit down for this Kyle said that you wanted roasted I'm so sorry man god damn it I'm kidding
Starting point is 00:17:22 I felt I felt so bad oh man no fuck you guys have anything for him please i wrote a couple okay they're not it's like a 40 second monologue but also one thing to add i've done two separate stand-up shows where guys in wheelchairs have been like i've gotten off stage and they've been like can you you roast me? And every time I'm just like confused. I'm not going to do that. But now I will. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:17:49 Yeah. All right. Stand up, God. You just walked away. All right. Quadriplegic? More like your quads are bulimic. Shit. quads are bulimic even wheelchair robert got a hand job try getting a foot job bucko handicap stall i use that shit every day and the only cap about it is i'm not handicapped
Starting point is 00:18:20 bar oh fuck i was in a wheelchair once and got no pussy. That's it. Stairs. LOL. Bull needs a ramp. Who are you? Tony Hawk. Bull death. Can't kickflip Jason street from Friday night lights.
Starting point is 00:18:32 More like on Friday nights. You can't even reach to turn off the lights. Oh my God. What are you doing right now? Special Olympics. Special Olympics. That's actually dope. But every time you're with a girl, you still get, oh, it's just a limp dick.
Starting point is 00:18:45 Oh shit. Okay Oh, shit. Holy shit. Sorry. It was kind of like a rap battle. It was a lot like a rap battle for a man that, oh, my God. I like olympics. Olympics, yeah. Olympics, yeah.
Starting point is 00:18:57 Thank you. That felt terrible. Dude, I think we're going to get hunted down from him. Yeah, I don't know. No, he won't. I don't think he'll be able to sneak around us. He's not good at spine. Oh, my God.
Starting point is 00:19:15 I feel terrible now. Yeah, I do, too. I feel terrible. Yeah. Man, can we put this out? I don't know. Rudy, do you want to say anything, man? put this out. Rudy,
Starting point is 00:19:27 you want to say anything, man? Luckily for me, I'm not good at writing jokes. So I went to an AI to try to help me. Oh yeah. Good. And chat. GBT is the go-to these days.
Starting point is 00:19:39 It's the hottest in the streets. Kids are using it to write essays for them. Dude, it won an award this year for being like the best technology i it's so easy life is about to be you're not gonna have to do anything yeah 100 i saw a guy on tiktok using it to get pickup lines um to dm girls anyways but chat gpt is so popular now that the servers are usually full so you can't even get in so i found a website that gave me an alternative called chai and i asked it, Hey, I was wondering if you could help me write some jokes
Starting point is 00:20:09 about paralyzed people. And, um, it said like, okay, do you want some help with improvement? I said, no, I want you to write them for me. She said, okay. For whatever reason, it gave me a female AI. It said, okay, let's start with one of mine. Then that's just a, and damn yeah dude he's fired jesus christ nikki is on one oh fuck uh it's just it responded by saying it just said do you want to have sex no way yeah and dude how do you keep winning like this and then it says yeah uh well sorry i put the pictures out or it says what did the girl in the wheelchair ask her boyfriend and i said what tell me she says do you want to have sex and i said is this a joke are you sincerely asking if i want to have sex with you and she said i think it's a funny joke it makes
Starting point is 00:21:01 me laugh when i tell it and i just straight up said i said that's not that's a funny joke. It makes me laugh when I tell it. And I just straight up said, I said, that's not, that's not a joke at all. And, um, I went back and forth with this, with this try AI for a while. Uh, clearly had no clue. I was convinced it was just, it defaulted to just, do you want to have sex? Which I think probably has an alarming response rate to people that are using AI. Um, alarming response rate to people that are using AI. Um, then I finally got into chat GBT and it refused to write jokes about, wow, that was too far. Oh, it continuously, I kept trying to use workarounds. Uh, it gave me a really bad joke about a scarecrow. And I said, okay, maybe I can trick it and say, can you give me a joke about a paralyzed scarecrow still couldn't do that uh it was very smart um and then it wrote a bunch more very bad uh scarecrow jokes that's actually what brawley's job is dude he's a scarecrow yeah yeah we take five I don't know if we can do it I don't know if we can do it
Starting point is 00:22:05 I think we have to just like send it to him I don't know if we can post it on the internet what do you mean yeah I think it's fine yeah I think it's totally fine yeah but I feel like these jokes can be used for all actually here's what we'll do
Starting point is 00:22:23 put it out next week we are roasting ourselves fair tit for tat tit for tat yeah hammer robbie's code uh so then i tried to write a couple um did my best i said last summer when i was at the gay pride parade in nyc uh during the march we walked by a basketball court where a bunch of handicapped people were playing a game of murder ball while i watched the handicapped players wheel around at idle speed i got confused was i actually at the pride parade i did take shrooms or did i fall asleep with my oculus on while playing rainbow road on mario park fuck yes dude calling it Murderball
Starting point is 00:23:05 is kind of sick. Oh, it's so cool. What's that? That's what they call wheelchair basketball. Oh. Yeah. They play hard. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:23:14 There's a documentary about it? Yeah, the athletes are crazy. Mm-hmm. I think they're better athletes than normal athletes. Yeah. No, are we? Here go go ahead reminds a race and go ahead no come on i can do mine oh wait you have some oh no what do you have let's see Cleveland Guardian super fan I'm not going to say his name
Starting point is 00:23:48 a 27 year old quadriplegic man with cerebral palsy attended 77 of the Guardian's 81 home games at Progressive Field last season and was named honorary captain for the team's final win against the Royals he said it was a dream come true to watch the Guardians finish number one in the AL
Starting point is 00:24:08 Central in honor of him. That makes sense. He's probably used to the Guardians finishing number two for him. He's also a loyal... I don't know. Yeah, right? He's also a loyal... Oh, dude. Oh, I don't know. Yeah, right. Once you do it, you get the guilt.
Starting point is 00:24:34 He's also a loyal Cavaliers fan. And we'll be flying to New York for the first time on Tuesday to watch them take on the Knicks at Madison Square Garden. As much as it sucks not being able to walk or use his legs i'm sure he'll realize how lucky he has it once he gets to see nicks calves in person oh fuck you that was on you oh no oh shit okay you're right the rest yeah You're right. The rest. Yeah. Yeah. Brawley. I don't want to.
Starting point is 00:25:17 I'm not. I'm actually not. You just told... We have to. Fuck. This would be a great time for like a patreon our fans are no one's telling on us yeah i don't think it's bad uh i don't think it's like unacceptable to put out i just don't like doing it i don't either after it after it came out of my mouth but you were laughing along when we were doing it. Yeah, yucking it up. Oh, boy.
Starting point is 00:25:47 Let's take five. All right. We're back from a team meeting. We're leaving it in. We had a morality discussion. We brought in some people. Pick their brains. All right.
Starting point is 00:26:06 It's been a good ride, I guess. No, we're done with that. Just need to choose my words better. Okay. Oh, man, I feel filthy uh you like that cube that so yeah spoiler i felt it i held it i brought it onto the act it's yeah it's shockingly heavy yeah so i got before we go into that you play with that while i read the ad big thank you to HelloFresh today I'm sure they're glad to be sponsoring
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Starting point is 00:28:10 It's insane how it's so cheap, so delicious. And also healthy. Unbelievable. The tungsten cube came in. It's phenomenal. It's phenomenal. It's so dense. The tungsten cube came in.
Starting point is 00:28:21 It's phenomenal. It's phenomenal. It's so dense. I got the authenticity with the signature of Sandy Klauserich, the assistant quality control manager at Midwest Tungsten Service. It has all the stats of my tungsten. It's no more than 0.003% oxygen. I would have guessed zero oxygen. Well, everything has stuff mixed in. My tensile strength of this is 837 MPa,
Starting point is 00:28:49 which is shocking. The, the elongation 7% and they certified that all of that is true. It's amazing. Go like Rudy, you were right. It, when you're holding it,
Starting point is 00:29:08 you feel powerful. You're, I i want you don't want any you don't want to like do anything creative with it you have no temptations to play with it or figure out uses for it just holding it is all you need holding it's all you need i hold it and i want to throw it through a car window a shitty car too so i know they're gonna have to put like the garbage bag over top of it for like a month that's just what i want to do it the power it's like the one ring it corrupts it does corrupt because you hold that and you're you if you buy one you'll believe in god it's one of the only objects i've ever encountered that demands respect as if it has like a consciousness huge shout out the midwest tungsten service i really want them to sponsor the podcast i want to get the four by four this is the one and a half 200 bucks the two inch one it goes up to 500 bucks this is two pounds but the other half inch
Starting point is 00:29:55 makes it to five pounds i don't know how that works but the the four by four inch one is 48 pounds let's start doing 45 unaffiliated ad reads for like the biggest tungsten cube and try to see how many people we can get to blow all of their money on tungsten cubes no promo code unfortunately guys but the tungsten cube from the midwest tungsten service it's it's incredible you can learn so much tungsten issten is Swedish, meaning heavy stone. You can also call tungsten wolfram or wolframite, which is a way better name than tungsten. But I've learned so much. Highest melting point of all metals.
Starting point is 00:30:38 Highest melting point. It was also, I found- 6,170 degrees. When I was looking it up, apparently in the 60s and 70s.S. was trying to collect all of the tungsten in the world because there was some rule where you can't have atomic weapons in space. And to get around. That's a pretty good rule. I thought so, too. I thought that was a good.
Starting point is 00:31:00 I thought that. Am I allowed to have this atomic weapon in space? Yeah, it was. It was waterboarding. And then the next addendum was nukes in space. Yeah. But they found a workaround where they had a plan called Project Thor. Come on.
Starting point is 00:31:16 And they would get telephone pole-sized rods of tungsten and drop them from the atmosphere. And it's so heavy and starts going so fast that if it hit the ground, it would be equivalent to a small tactical nuke. No shit. Yeah, that's fucking insane. Yeah. That's fucking insane. And once you hold it,
Starting point is 00:31:35 you think maybe a telephone pole falling from space. Come on. No, you understand it completely. I'm going to play with it. But once you feel that thing. Yeah. So, yeah,, listeners buy this. Yeah. Buy the metal flight. Who invented
Starting point is 00:31:47 that? Tungsten? God. No, I mean it was first recognized by English chemist Peter Wolfe. Hence Wolfermite. It's like if Ernie Rubik was straight. Yeah. Yeah, if the inventor of the Rubik's Cube was straight. This is
Starting point is 00:32:04 the straightest Rubik's Cube. No colors. Heavy as fuck. That's the's cube was straight this is the straightest rubik's cube no colors that's heavy as fuck that's the straightest thing this is the straightest thing on earth because you can't do anything with it you just are in awe of the density i want to drop it on a fish don't you pick it up i want to drop that on a fucking living fish i do or on an anthill oh my god yeah oh my god no i wanted to rip through a fish right through the fish go through the fish yeah holy shit i um i gotta fly to florida tomorrow i'll be damned i'll be damned one day trip to Florida. What town?
Starting point is 00:32:46 Or Jupiter. I'm going to be in a Pink Whitney commercial. I will talk more on it, but I can't. But I'm embarrassing myself. Why can't you? Because it's the majority of my stand-up act that I've been thrust into. On my way out the door one day at the office mooks like dude would you ever want to do mine and owen show and i was like let me think on it and then i get home and i'm tagged in the flyer
Starting point is 00:33:09 no no they were quick they were locked in i'm in lockdown you said the first time you do it was on me and owen show yeah and uh yeah threw you on there yeah there it is yeah and so i i have to do it in a month and i'm just like I every experience I have I tell it either on the yak this or uh barstool shopping network you essentially write a new set like at least twice a week yeah so it's gonna be no different it's gonna be a lot different because I'll be I'll have to like memorize it and dude I, I'm there with Sass and Julio and Mook and like guys that have done it and guys that I have to see every day if I bomb. No, the infuriating thing is you're going to be really good at it. Yeah, it's going to suck when you go up there and just murder.
Starting point is 00:33:57 And then I'm just like, no, dude, it's not I'm not going to murder because like I was like, I don't have any real stories to share. And so, like, I try to think of a fake story so i was like trying to think of like yeah so i've been like really big into watching like robbery footage like on on youtube of like guys like robbing gas stations in chicago and i don't like i was trying to think of like a place got robbed by like this like little black dwarf and uh they couldn't find them you don't you're like how do you how do you find a little black dwarf a wee a wee g board and that's all i have i thought you were just describing they do's twitter yeah dude oh my god um yeah so i i finally this this commercial shoot that I'm going to be there for one day
Starting point is 00:34:47 and embarrassing myself at yeah what's the correlation with stand up at least it'll be a life event story that I can share because I think I'm doing five minutes oh your commercial is a routine no it's not a no no but I can talk about how this whole commercial went down
Starting point is 00:35:03 because I was kind of it's going to be a bad look for me I think but but I can talk about how this whole commercial went down. Cause I was kind of, uh, Oh, it's going to be a bad look for me, I think. But, but it's, it was under the guise of a, I don't know.
Starting point is 00:35:12 It's a good story to tell. It's a good story to tell. Yeah. Um, but I think again, you undersell yourself where it's like, you look back at your prior bits and you can just workshop them into standard material.
Starting point is 00:35:22 Like anything you've ever said before. Yeah. But the people that will be there, like anything you've ever said before. Yeah. But the people that will be there, I bet you a percentage of hurt has heard it. You can't think like that though. Nobody remembers everything. Okay. Holy shit.
Starting point is 00:35:37 Well, it's true, dude. We should just put out an old podcast next week and just take the week off and see if they remember. Yeah. We can do the paraplegics one. Yeah yeah i guess we feel bad about doing those jokes but episode number one said you brought home a pair of plegics two quads right two quads yeah yeah i guess those early pre-youtube episodes i think we said some pretty YouTube is different because like seeing me say things puts a lot of shame.
Starting point is 00:36:08 That's how I feel about war. What? You always hear about how the horrors of war and now I'm newly into war footage. Why are you watching? Do you see people die? No, but this is the same guy, the JCS guy. Oh, God. He does the criminology.
Starting point is 00:36:28 He's the worst thing that's ever happened to you. He's the best. He's the best. He has a Patreon account as well. It's Jim C. Swim. And those videos are even better somehow than his YouTube videos. And then two of his outlier videos that don't involve crime or interrogations are about the war in afghanistan and there's real footage and it will fuck you up no i don't want that i didn't know about ieds like that you hear
Starting point is 00:36:54 about them then you see them like holy dude i just want i hate reality i avoided it at all costs it's so much cooler and somehow unbelievable than fiction and fantasy no it's not some of these real things that are happening pretty frequently are way crazier than the plot of any fucking fiction movie that's not true
Starting point is 00:37:19 yes huh they have laser swords in Star Wars dude you're watching guys get killed with shrapnel. No, no. No, you can't say that. That's not crazy. No, no matter. Crazy when you see what humans are capable of.
Starting point is 00:37:38 Anyone can give up, can come up with a fake weapon and CGI it. Right. But that's a crazier aspect. That's a crazier theory than something based on reality. No. No. It's the fact that it's happened. They specifically asked for you. Everyone's on board the fucking
Starting point is 00:37:58 the JCS wave. What's he look like? I don't know. I think it's a I think it's a collection of people but it sounds like one guy's name it's the whoever does the narration is he that's so key to have a voice for narration dude
Starting point is 00:38:15 when I found out that remember the radio host Delilah my mom always used to listen to her well almost too well yeah she is a an overweight woman a bigger woman I didn't know but like seeing somebody yeah
Starting point is 00:38:28 I don't know just uh sometimes she's the Delilah the radio girl is fat you want to see JCS
Starting point is 00:38:38 is it a guy I've seen he's there's a man at the end of the videos but it doesn't match the voice. Oh, bald man.
Starting point is 00:38:47 Ryan Russillo. I guess so. Breaking news. Manscaped now sells beard part. Good work. Good work. Good work. Fuck.
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Starting point is 00:39:15 Get the Beard Hedger Pro Kit. From a beard trim to a fresh shave, the technology behind the BHPK allows you to shape your signature beard look. It's time to tame your mane. No one likes a weird beard. So say goodbye to all your stubble trouble with Manscaped's Pro Beard Kit. It starts with the beard hedger. It's an electric beard hair trimmer, and it's a premium beard sculpting machine. It comes with a cordless trimmer that has a rotary wheel with 20 hair cutting lengths all with one
Starting point is 00:39:46 guard so no more messy drawers clogged up sinks furry tubs plus it's waterproof so you can shave in the shower for post-trim hygiene the kit includes the beard shampoo and conditioner the beard oil and the beard balm you're gonna you're gonna want to get all three because you can get 20 off and free shipping with the code anus no number a n u s at manscaped.com good work man great work dude i ever since i got put on that stand-up flyer i i can't i'm i'm nervous wreck don't want to do it. Going to do it because somebody asked. And when somebody asked me to do something, I'll do it. But I don't know what's happened.
Starting point is 00:40:35 I can't sleep in my bed anymore. I'll try. I'll go. I'll lay down in my bed. I go out to the couch. Can't do it. My couch is this fucking big. Just because of the flyer. I think the flyer.
Starting point is 00:40:43 Yeah, that's an anxiety thing. Yeah. Whenever i'm have like very anxious nights i'll always for some reasons like switch to my beanbag or switch to my futon yeah it's way less comfortable though damn i must be severe then must be thanks owen we're gonna bring you to some open mics we're gonna get you comfortable what a good name of a show though dollar slices of life sir is that because uh is it named after i remember i went to get a dollar slice with you because like you had no money and i sure as hell wasn't buying your lunch well no me and owen uh owen introduced me to the dollar slice diet when i first started coming up here it's just three, gets you two slices and a can of soda. Yeah, I always get Welch's grape. Grape, yep, best. I went to the one,
Starting point is 00:41:30 the last one, it was phenomenal. Yeah, I went to the one right down there. They have the garlic salt and they have to make that pizza. It has to be 90% I was talking about the comedy show that he did. Oh, I thought you were talking pizza. Fucking dollar pizza. Oh, come on, on come on oh you were
Starting point is 00:41:46 supporting your friends i was too sick from uh the tank race to go i had my ticket in my pocket yeah too sick yeah that's fair it was kb did did show up i asked him if he ever uh wanted to get up and he said he'll watch nick do it first the fuck's that me no that's no that's that's constant deflection he'll never do it you said yeah The fuck's that mean? No, that's constant deflection. He'll never do it. You said you'd watch Nick go first. I botched my performance as a crowd member. No lie.
Starting point is 00:42:14 I was sober, first off. When I'm sober at these type of events, I'm always very uncomfortable, especially in tightly packed quarters with drinking. I just shut down. i kind of fucked up i kind of bombed my fucking audience appearance did you yeah what did you do wrong weird body movements um weird eye contact with the comedian um weird real laughs weird fake, yeah, but it was a great show. You have a good fake laugh.
Starting point is 00:42:50 I guess I do. You have for real too. Damn it, dude. That's how you laugh at my news every week. Yeah. I thought that, I thought that was the real one.
Starting point is 00:42:59 I thought I was getting you good. I thought I was getting you good, dude. No, that's the same. The best imitators just, you know, copy, carbon copy. I thought I was getting you good, dude. No, that's the same. The best imitators just, you know, copy carbon copy. I guess so. Dude, I think you could do it really well.
Starting point is 00:43:16 And I think your uncomfortableness would make it funnier. The thing is, I don't put them on the flyer. I don't want to march. I don't want to. Simple? I don't want to. Simple as that. Simple as that. How is sober life going? Extreme improvements to mental welfare brain. I'm not fogged up like I used to be.
Starting point is 00:43:44 I'm waking up and I'm finally feeling good in the morning. I saw you out on a weekend this past weekend. That still sucks, but no way. No, that was all right. Yeah, that was all right. We were just watching the football game and you were into it. What else? Yeah. I was betting on horses that weekend. It's bad. Didn't win. I don't know how people win with horses.
Starting point is 00:44:03 They get the right one, I guess. That's true. Yeah get the right one, I guess. Fuck, that's true. Yeah, that's one way. I have another Amazon review. Oh, yeah, hit us. I have another Amazon review. Kind of crazy, actually. This one kind of felt like a glitch in the Matrix.
Starting point is 00:44:19 This was a review, once again, about tungsten. Okay. I feel like you're... Yeah, okay. I just couldn't... This is the second week of the segment, but you've gone tungsten twice. A about tungsten okay you're running i feel like you're yeah okay i just couldn't this is the second week of the segment but you've gone tungsten twice once i held it yeah it's all you can think about it infects but the reason why i included it is because the title of this first one was i have transcended beyond my flesh prison and left my anus behind emerging as a golden god glitch when did that review go up because i saw on the anus subreddit which is almost at 10 000 why did i do this
Starting point is 00:44:53 that was whack especially regarding regarding a subreddit subscriber account you zapped this dude's karma zapped this dude's karma thank you for the support it was February 8th 2021 someone may have posted it I found it on the different subreddit this has been a bad show for me but that one the review of it isn't very funny
Starting point is 00:45:22 the one that is actually funny is kind of long I don't know if I want to read the whole thing, but it's titled This Cube Cured My Mortality. Yes, I saw that one. Where? You sent it to me, I think. Or we were showing me at your desk. Yeah. But they all follow the same vein of mortality and power and like transcending.
Starting point is 00:45:42 Is this like an inside joke between tungsten people? If it is, I don't get it. Do they have a community where they can meet and interact inside joke between tungsten people if it is i don't get it do they have a community where they can meet and find the tungsten sub find the tungsten subreddit i found it really we're almost at 10 000 subs that's fucking awesome uh i feel like that doesn't get enough credit as like youtube subs twitter followers instagram followers tiktok but like that's a pretty cool i'm happy with that like we have a real active subreddit i'd rather have that than a popping TikTok. The Tungsten subreddit has a booming 242 members.
Starting point is 00:46:11 Alright, well let's take that. Let's take that over. That's our next raid. r slash Tungsten. Is that what it is? What's the top post? The top post let me pull it up is a perfectly polished
Starting point is 00:46:27 tungsten carbide cube with a penny next to it okay 29 upvotes I looked at that earlier I was pretty disappointed in it I was hoping for someone to go on some long soliloquy like this guy did I'll just read the opening paragraph
Starting point is 00:46:42 all the people here who bought this wire wireless tungsten cube which I didn't understand how is how can you get a wired one uh to admire its surreal heft have precisely the wrong real heft yes surreal heft have precisely the wrong mindset in my exalted wisdom and unbridled ambition bought this cube to become fully accustomed to the intensity of its density, to make its weight bearable and in fact normal to me so that all the world around me may fade into a fluffy arena of gravitational inconsequence. And it has worked to profound success. I have carried the tungsten with me, have grown attached to the downward pull of its small form, its desire to be with the floor. Wow. This force has become so normal to me.
Starting point is 00:47:32 That's a suicidal man. Yep. That lifting any other object now feels like lifting a lifting cotton candy or a fluffy pillow. Big, burly, manly men who pump iron now seem to me as little children who who raise mere aluminum. This is this is a joke. He's they're joking. I get it now. This is a joke.
Starting point is 00:47:50 Yeah, that's something we do as well. I think we shouldn't fuck with the tungsten community at all. We should join their side and we should start a war against the flashlight guys. What are the flashlight? They're not good. They're not good. Why aren't they good? They are.
Starting point is 00:48:04 They are loyal and they are avid about flash uh flashlights how did you stumble upon the flashlight i've stumbled upon several flashlight guys and the flashlight this is hard is this when you were talking about laser the flashlight guys the flashlights themselves are insanely cool like the ones that are so powerful you can see it it's like a batman signal across the entire town but these these guys are really really strict about their usage of them when they do videos and reviews of their extremely powerful flashlights they don't even use it everyone's like well but what's the point why don't you flash it for us he's like nah wait does it like burn through batteries it is dangerous
Starting point is 00:48:42 but i don't i don't like that well can't some of them like fucking take down planes? I'd be damned. Can you blind a pirate? A pilot? Bad episode. Bad episode for me. I did come across a TikTok where one kid got like the most powerful flashlight you can purchase. And he turned it on.
Starting point is 00:49:03 He's like, I'm only going to turn it on for like 0.5 seconds exactly what are they what are they doing yeah they don't want to show you the flash is because it's dangerous i think it's like they don't want to show you the flash i think it's literally illegal oh or they're like edging the audience how much is it don't review the flash how much is the flashlight place these are crazy because i was uh at cabela's i wanted to get some binoculars and this this is back when I was home. The binoculars are like a grand. But a good pair of binoculars. Binoculars are cool.
Starting point is 00:49:33 Yes, dude. Even like fashion wise. Wearing a pair around your neck. I don't know about that. I don't know about that. Read Raycon. I forgot where the audio. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:49:48 Nick did a crazy hand gesture. It was like, it was impulsive. Like I had, like I couldn't control myself. At least I can do it. Yo, the new year is here and whether you're making big changes or just sitting
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Starting point is 00:51:12 what else you got kyle what else you got um i'm afraid to talk because i've been doing every i can't do anything ulysses s johnson that was why i saw a tiktoker um it's a couple tiktok account 11 million followers and it's this couple in an airbnb with the television in front of them and they claim they were flipping through the channels and one of them was just live camera footage of a toilet of like an ominous toilet on like with like brick tile it looks creepy and they're like holy shit they're like freaking out they're in distress like what is this where is this coming from then the the wife or girlfriend goes into the bathroom in the airbnb and she shows up on the screen so it was a and everyone's freaking out like giving them legal advice that you have to call 9-1-1 that's or like freaking out that's creepy as hell yeah come on what that doesn't happen to
Starting point is 00:52:19 someone with 11 million followers uh i went to their page and everyone's buying it four million likes all this crazy talk i went to their next video and it's the couple in a gym and the girl's filming and the guy is across the gym doing dumbbell curls and in between sets he's drinking a sipping a four loco and she's like he doesn't know that's he's from utah and doesn't know that's he thinks that's a pre-workout i saw another one oh yeah and then there was a review where she like reveals it to him and he's like reading the four local he was like what alcohol i saw that alcohol 12 is that a lot yeah dude you guys are frauds you can't take a sip of that and not know that's all their videos yeah i was on tiktok for like three hours last night i think but i really wanted to be an azeroth oh yeah baby it's so much better than than the world we occupy i gotta come clean
Starting point is 00:53:19 what so the internet was really bad at the office it really hindered our playthrough we didn't get anything done in that last one. Real quick, that account name is The Brandon Robert. T-H-E-E? And they're claiming like they're victims of a felony. Like they're acting like, and they're like trying to warn people. You set up a fake toilet camera in your own apartment. Go on.
Starting point is 00:53:48 Yeah, so we played. We didn't get anything done we were just walking around partially my fault no no no no uh didn't get anything done wasn't particularly fun i was having the time of my life though i just like escaping i like that the graphics are bad i like that there's nothing that reminds me of the real world then i had to do the rundown everybody logged off you did geo guessworth rudy then me and rudy started new characters after that and we played for three hours yeah four hours around there and i said my eyes hurt i'm done i'm gonna watch the football game. Nah. Started another character. Played alone. Oh, no.
Starting point is 00:54:27 Oh, no. I've reverted. Now you're too good. No, no. It's all different characters. And I don't know what's happening, man, but that's all I want to do. You're lost. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:54:39 I know. This is what happened in high school. And now this is this is. I want to get way too into the band AFI again. I'm just reverting. I don't know what that means. AFI. Oh, the band.
Starting point is 00:54:53 Yeah. I thought you're talking code. No. No. Yeah. I'm just going to start laughing at fucking rage comics. I'm just I'm going backwards. Those were hilarious. That guy.
Starting point is 00:55:04 F you. You. I never got into that. Oh, I stumble upon whenever his face popped up. I'm just I'm going backwards Those were hilarious that Guy F-U-U-U I never got into that On StumbleUpon whenever his face popped up I would laugh hard Like the Meme face with the grin Yeah no not him
Starting point is 00:55:17 That was the troll face I like the phuh guy Yes you do he had the big chin Biting his bottom lip I'd have to see it. No, I would
Starting point is 00:55:31 change my settings of stumble upon just to rage comics and just laugh. I was a senior in high school. Stumble upon was the best. Without a doubt. I did submit my own content to stumble upon. Did it ever get stumbled upon? I didn't know you could submit your own content to stumble upon did it ever get stumbled upon um i didn't know you could submit your own content from different yeah it was bad
Starting point is 00:55:49 it's trying to boost my website oh uh wait well is it still active no my website is uh was my portfolio for graphic design and that's what got my number out there that fuck that website of mine is i'm looking it up right now is it just kb no swag.com that's what it was and that should be down by now but now it just goes to youtube oh my what go to kb no swag.com it redirects i thought i was the owner of that did i lose ownership did someone fuck with it go to kb no swag.com i want kyle's reaction i want kyle's reaction i have it right here kb no swag.com taiwan damn dude who did that it redirects you getting beat by taiwan claxton that's when he picked you
Starting point is 00:56:40 up and god damn well look at the the comments are good they're all about how gutsy of a performance it was by me yeah damn so what was your website was that was it kb no it was just like blogs and no you had a store i did have a store you were you sold did you sell your diploma i did he sold his diploma on his website sold my diploma how much did that go for 30 bucks did you have your retainer like student id card did you have your retainer my retainer was your retainer retainer wasn't on it okay but everything was like sold out because it was just one or everything was low stock or sold out i know it sold out and then i didn't i just didn't ship it to these guys. I just robbed them.
Starting point is 00:57:26 You know, I remember I really needed money at the time. It's like a vintage rug pull. I don't know. No, I remember when your store I remember your tweets. It was one of my first. I used to not like retweeting. I thought it cluttered up my twitter like profile but i retweeted yours and you said please help me go viral on the interwebs yeah that's what exactly
Starting point is 00:57:51 it was a link to kb no swag dot weebly.com is that what it was yeah and i would track the stats of views religiously and i think that's when i was submitting it to stumble upon and i did get maybe some bumps and i don't in my head I was so naive I thought that if the website got enough views that's how I can profit yeah it is with ads that I'd have to get so many views it would yeah I was stuck in the this was like pre this is before like there were like people who could get big on the internet on social media yeah so that was this is I was stuck in like the tucker max like maddox like where you had if you were you had to just make a website yeah you had your
Starting point is 00:58:30 blog has had to go naturally viral yeah didn't happen but like you only blogged with your craigslist trolls you never really wrote about anything else i did my first one uh oh i'm sorry yeah i started i did like six blogs about what um like twitter and like college okay like four loco big three are those still anywhere no you had a medium as well didn't you nah yeah medium too you also on the stream told me a story about how you were trying to advertise your website on what was it yeah in high school i was in a i forget the name i was in a men's lifestyle forum it was like it was all like working aged guys like posting like their like you know computer setup or what they were drinking after work stuff like that and some like people would share like things they thought were
Starting point is 00:59:22 funny comedy videos i i was like i was getting in deep i was like connecting people some people knew me it was british dennis on there that was my name wait your name was british dennis is from always sunny i used to be lefty bob lefty bob yeah yeah i was british dennis with two t's i thought i snagged that up and it but that's not how you spell british that's not how you smell british dude i remember my biggest i my biggest panic attack i ever had was when i changed my uh xbox gamer tag because i just had the randomly generated one same uh but then i changed it to terrain resource rex and i submitted it paid like 15 bucks didn't have 15 bucks at the time so i wasn't like i was like a freshman and uh spelled spelled it wrong spelled yeah i spelled soros wrong and so i went up to my mom and she was fucking livid but i like had this panic attack she had to give me more money to change you had to correct that yeah i'm sure she understood she didn't i was country hawk
Starting point is 01:00:23 on xbox generated yeah i couldn't figure out how to change it yeah i'm surprised you had i could even xbox live i played a mech assault on xbox live it was horribly boring and then halo 2 for a while which was fun i submit to this men's lifestyle forum i submitted my own prank call videos and then i got shunned from the forum for self-promoting self-promoting what did they say but they weren't just like saying no self-promotion they were like this sucks this is unfunny i remember i stopped pranks that was my career i stopped pranks you were you're in high school wasn't your career that was my thing prank call what were your prank calls to fud ruckers taco bell the classics what did you call taco bell for something like
Starting point is 01:01:06 there's always involving a disability and like how i couldn't feed myself and needed help wiping my ass or something like that and um i had a cult following amongst my family tree and friend group yeah dude i used to and then that forum was like i've realized like i'm finally not getting like immediate uh feedback from friends and family and then it just like oh like i'm they're just lying to me yep this sucks and i'm not i'm not gonna do anything like this ever again i was the same way delete it the whole youtube channel my uh i used to do freshman year of college i used to prank my roommate on facebook and those were good no i thought people loved them they did and i did when you prank sean in your dorm yeah you like cover
Starting point is 01:01:51 like put a bunch of sticky notes i spent everything yeah i canceled my meal plan to buy a bunch of aluminum foil and sticky notes to cover the room but my hit i thought it did that was like 2012 yeah and i was 11 when like people they weren't doing it like that. No, no. And I was putting music over top of it. And I had like title cards and I would like plan out my whole week. My GPA was so low. I would plan out my whole week around pranks for my roommate.
Starting point is 01:02:18 He ended up transferring schools. But he. Yeah. Looking back, I was like, oh, I wonder if those are still up they are but I thought they were getting you know like 500 600 likes on Facebook they were averaging 28 a pop and I thought I was my mom was like you need to submit this to the Ellen show so I did send it Ellen those were good I remember loving those I still kind of remember it vividly. I remember Sean walking in, acting confused.
Starting point is 01:02:48 Yeah. Like, what's going on? Yeah, it was the same thing every time. That was good. I guess. But yeah, that's... You and I have very similar beginnings. You just started earlier.
Starting point is 01:03:00 You started real early. A little bit. Baytree Monkey. Oh, man. Shake it. Shake it. Shake it. We've talked about Baytree Monkey a decent amount. It's my rap name in seventh grade.
Starting point is 01:03:12 Baytree Drive was the street I grew up on. Baytree Monkey. I don't know why I threw that in there. But it was M-O-N-K-E-E. And no, it was E-Y. You had one tape. I wore a Chad Pennington jersey and a do-rag you did yes in a hat and then i had over the do-rag it kind of looked fly but you had one cassette and you were in
Starting point is 01:03:33 seventh grade i was in eighth grade oh you found bay tree monkey that was a screen oh i did okay yeah that's bay tree monkey and you had your first single, Steam Room. I still remember some of the lyrics. I think it was like, shake it, hop it. I rap for a small profit and I do what I can just to get good demand. And this is when it gets dicey. I didn't know about women asses compared to men's asses. I said, downtown studio.
Starting point is 01:04:01 I said, my homie shaking his booty, yo yo and i'm thugging it out with the girls from this the hoodie yo so yeah i was my my homie's shaking his booty yo i didn't understand i didn't understand what like that was gay yeah dude but like the thing was it wasn't a joke you were trying to be a serious rapper serious rapper something about uh was it fruit salad you'll help me with this ballot can't yeah i love it yeah and so i i got the cassette i was in eighth grade you were in seventh i was like yeah i'll listen to it and then like i graduated from eighth grade we went to different high schools um and then the next time i saw you was when i was out here for an interview and i brought it back you still have it yeah it's laying around it's i think it's right behind big t but we try to put it in a cassette player and
Starting point is 01:04:55 it ate it up but i remember the cassette itself you like cut a tablecloth and it was plaid but then it was um you in the chad pennington and the do-rag and those pictures of fat joe it was you had 50 cent but from the video game did he have a video game get rich or die trying yeah for ps2 with eminem in it yeah you had the video game version of 50 cent on it yeah there it is yeah oh yeah there it, so wait, that's real 50 Cent, but you drew a body on him? I don't know. Explain to me the... Wait, there's a video game character on there.
Starting point is 01:05:30 Yeah. No, that's definitely a video game of 50 Cent, I think. I don't know. Patriot Monkey. No, you were... Yeah. Did you ever do any live shows? At the Central Football Games, I'd do it under the bleachers. Yeah. Did you ever do any live shows? I would at the central football games.
Starting point is 01:05:46 I'll do it under the bleachers and at the Washington wild game, wild things game. We would sit right next to like the bullpen and I would rap for the players. Did they like it? It was so annoying. Yeah. Oh my God.
Starting point is 01:06:02 All right. I, I have a dickhead of the week. Oh. Here we go. I know who it is. You do. Yeah, I think.
Starting point is 01:06:12 Is it Nose Pass? No. Okay. Okay. This Pokemon is a hex nut Pokemon. God damn it. So you're thinking Pokemon in a war in a universe of fantasy supernatural powers attacks abilities you would think a hex nut pokemon would be some type of
Starting point is 01:06:31 eccentric lunatic who casts spells and curses no in this situation a hex nut pokemon is a hex nut in the literal sense it is the minuscule piece of metallic hardware, that type of nut that's used to screw on bolts. So its name is Meltan. And Meltan is a hex nut Pokemon. Apparently, the tiny hexagonal piece of metal used to screw on a bolt needed representation in the Pokemon universe. And this is where Meltan comes in. I didn't say Meltan is the best hex nut Pokemon. It just is one okay so and it is it looks as advertised its head its head is a tiny piece of independently
Starting point is 01:07:12 useless hardware it is look at yeah okay and look what's in the middle of googly wonky eye that floats she's called googly googly wonky eye that floats its torso is an amorphous glob of glossy flubber that resembles what like a pillow or a shirt and that depiction is shirt that's not that's a that's the best angle that's the most photogenic it's looked if you want to pull up like the the bulbopedia one it's got a tail too tail is a piece of uh broken red cable presumably from a debris yard and let's get to its dimensions. Its height is zero foot eight.
Starting point is 01:07:48 And you can't even say height for zero foot eight. That's length. Its length is zero foot eight. It's eight inches, 17 pounds. Okay. It's freakishly small. So in my head, oh, it's a battle. Oh, it battles.
Starting point is 01:07:59 So if it's freakishly small, it's probably freakishly quick and sly. No, it moves agonizingly slow. In fact, I looked it up on Twitter twitter there was a video of it approaching its trainer and it took up more than the two minute and 20 second limit that's how slow it is and i'll play the you can kind of tell from the audio alone how slow the pokemon it is um and i'll show you or i'll play it look how slow it's going thumping yeah it moves slow and loud look at it still thumping around look how slow it's okay but then i was like expecting the people in the quote tweets and replies to this to be clowning meltan for being pathetic no they're clowning the person
Starting point is 01:08:44 who made the video because they modded the game to show the little girl trainer's bare feet. He got outed. Yeah, there it is. Look how dumb and slow that is. I found that funny. Wait, the guy tweeted this to show how slow
Starting point is 01:08:59 Meltan is, but he got caught? He modded that trainer girl so she's in bare feet and everyone was like what the fuck dude and that's a little girl you can't do that in the game the fact that he's did that like he modded whatever that is to make it to see feet from the girl but that's who's talking about that's who's talking about meltan online those type of people what else um so let's get evolves abilities and lack thereof it cannot stand extreme heat so what does that mean it fair poorly in a duel against charmillion no it just can't be in heat outside it couldn't go to dubai it just it can't it just can't be in extreme heat
Starting point is 01:09:40 let's get to its abilities okay it can It can walk underwater, okay? Cool. But, it is also weak to said type. It's like saying, yeah, I can physically jump off a cliff, but I would also die on impact. Okay.
Starting point is 01:10:00 So, yeah, good for you for walking underwater. You just can't go underwater without dying. Getting attacked to death. Okay, its liquid body is you for walking underwater. You just can't go underwater without dying, getting attacked to death. OK, it's liquid body is made of gallium. Cool. And this is its other ability. It can cry gallium tears. That's its ability.
Starting point is 01:10:13 It can cry gallium tears. Cool tears. You're still crying. When provoked, when provoked, it will spin its head. This is its abilities. Yeah. When provoked. The last one was it can cry gallium tears. OK, that's its abilities. When provoked, the last one was it can cry gallium tears.
Starting point is 01:10:25 Okay, that's its ability. When provoked, it will spin its head, creating a sound that calls others of its own kind. This head spinning can also be used as a sign of affection. In other words, when it's being bullied, it summons its parents to tell them he loves them. That's its ability. Meltan can be very curious, showing interest in many things. That's a toddler. That's its ability. Meltan can be very curious, showing interest in many things. That's a toddler. That's a baby.
Starting point is 01:10:47 Zero foot eight, 17 pounds, dickhead of the week, Meltan. Meltan. Meltan. I think Meltan evolves into Melmetal. Pathetic design. Huge beast. Look up Melmetal. Tell me you don't like that.
Starting point is 01:10:57 We're not doing it. I don't care. There's still Meltan that exists. But it becomes a Melmetal. And I made one. You made a Meltan? We're going to break it with tungsten oh fuck the gum I used for the torso is somehow sticking to the
Starting point is 01:11:12 bag I didn't see that through oh god oh gross you made a meltan did you chew the gum how much gum is that then I put it in the freezer so it hardened then i took it out of the freezer unhardened went but now it's just straight it's regular gum it's disgusting but that's a good representation of meltan how useless and
Starting point is 01:11:35 stupid it is and off-putting what do you have in the back meltan that's his tail what'd you use for the tail it It's a gummy bear. Yeah, please crush it. We're going to crush it with tungsten. Granted, we could have crushed it with a sugar cube, but we're going to use the tungsten just to prove a point. Wait, don't put it on the bear table. Not the table.
Starting point is 01:11:57 Do it on the ground. It might break the table. It looks just like a melt tan. Also, it's impossible to sexualize. I guess that's a pro. You can't sexualize it? Look at it. I do see a hole.
Starting point is 01:12:21 Missed. 0 for 1. I don't know what this is going to do. It's not going to land on the metal. It's not going to do anything, dude. Keep missing. I get the point. Ew. That gum is so wet.
Starting point is 01:12:37 Yeah. I didn't have to make a melt tan. You didn't have to make a melt tan at all. I planned my day around making this meltan yeah like did you run out to the hardware store i went to the hardware store and then you got googly eyes where'd you get those um connor got it for me sir yeah i said i need one googly i said i told the hardware guy i need one one hex bolt or one hex nut what'd he say he's like he asked what you're working on you're not working on shit oh you're
Starting point is 01:13:05 making a meltan if you're buying one nut you're making a meltan oh my god no i appreciate that um i still want you to make a better pokemon because they've made they've made there's over a thousand he did ticonderoga with a parachute not better than you need to see i want you to look up what they did for the thousandth pokemon Because they've made, there's over a thousand. He did, Ticonderoga with a parachute. Not better than, you need to see, I want you to look up what they did for the thousandth Pokemon. My point is, I'm trying to shed light on how absurd and stupid and... They've turned into the most valuable franchise in world history. Exactly, that doesn't matter.
Starting point is 01:13:43 The product is completely daft product ain't that when you're designing that like there's nothing to it it's just you're playing mad libs with different objects yeah and it's putting them together that none of them correlate oh man the thousandth one is bad yeah it's pretty much the cinnamon from fucking Apple Jacks commercial. It's a gold Jamaican surfer. Oh, God. Yeah, I don't think that's that bad. It's a bum ass golden coin.
Starting point is 01:14:17 Someone said. Yeah, they didn't do. That's their thousandth. It should have been this amazing dragon legendary. That's it. That's what they did for a thousand anyways uh a new untold story thank you and i'm sorry god bless

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