A New Untold Story - My Big Fat Green Apple - A New Untold Story: Ep. 323

Episode Date: December 22, 2022

Why you doing easel work on notepad paper? Ads: Gametime Download the Gametime app and redeem code UNTOLD for $20 off your first purchase (terms apply). Hellofresh Go to Https://barstool.link/HelloFreshSTORY and use code story18 for 18 free meals plus free shipping Betterhelp This episode is sponsored by Betterhelp. Go to https://barstool.link/BHStory for 10% off your first monthYou can find every episode of this show on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or YouTube. Prime Members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. For more, visit barstool.link/anuspodcast

Hey, A New Untold Story listeners, you can find every episode on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or YouTube. Prime members can listen to ad-free on Amazon Music. A new untold story. Episode 323. We got KB back from his neurologist. We got Rudy up here. And we got Mook on the sticks back there. And of course, Tyler behind camera. Number one podcast and listener retention.

And I think we still, even though our ads are boring now, we still are that. And that's because of the resilience of the Blue Raspberry guys. It's pretty beautiful. How are you feeling, boys? I feel good. How about you guys? I got to be honest. A couple days ago, I was a Grinch.

Crowds in New York, Eastern European families of eight going eight wide, holding hands, walking around, pissing me off. And as of a couple of days ago, I've got the Christmas spirit, a little sprinkle. So I'm pretty excited about that. I am stuffy, but, you know, what are you going to do? Kyle, how's the brain, buddy? From the neck down, I'm top five, I think. Top five, active or inactive. But other than that, jeez.

Shoulder up? Yeah. You're not a head case, are you? A head case? Yeah. Like an ornery boy? No, no. Like, are you like getting in your own head? Are you stressing?

No, I don't stress. ornery boy no no like are you like getting in your own head are you are you stressing are you no i don't stress it's just you know tired i've been genuinely concerned man good need more of that i'm trying but i feel like i'm annoying you no i think yeah no i'm good i'm good i mean i'm not good but we'll get there. You still working out? Kind of. I've been like leaving the gym early. It kills me. Damn.

Are you lifting to failure? I'm lifting hard. Yeah. Okay. That's good. It's always to failure. I got something that might make you boys happy. How are you going to have three reps left in you and just not do it?

Especially when you're like you're sitting down on a machine. Just move your arms three more times. What if I mean, if it you're not you have a different mindset do you go into failure every time if something's hard i'll quit that's how i am okay that's i don't know so so be it i've i've never finished really a video game. If something's hard. Lifting isn't hard. Yes, it is. Doing squats is hard, but lifting, moving your arms, it's not hard. Yes, it is. Trust me. I bet if I looked at your face.

The biggest dorks in the world are jacked. Yeah, that's kind of true. You just got to care. That's kind of true. I got something that might make you smile. It's been a while since I've seen you smile what is episode 323 um i know it's la yeah what can we say about la i i don't know i don't i don't think i like la it's the worst yeah learn a trade it's that's not that hard learn a trade i promise you it's the laziest city in the world

la yes i think learn a trade get your cdl and then you could actually be bi-coastal these people how many people in la do you think have their cdl none get your cdl and go drive like do something what about encino i bet you Encino has some tradesmen. The real LA people, yeah. Okay. But the people that move out there? Sweet gas skyline. Oh. It has Pittsburgh way better.

Rochester, better skyline. Mobile, Alabama, better skyline. Cincinnati has a bunch that are better. Cincinnati has multiple skylines? Yeah, they have a gang of them. They're not even that good, but people overrate them. But they're better than the LA Skyline. I can't name one notable building in LA.

Weak Skyline. 3-2-3. You probably can't even get from 3-2-3 to 3-2-3 in two hours because of the traffic. You can't have hoes in other area codes. It's impossible. Four hours to get to another area code? LA sucks. David Dobrik runs your town.

He's the empire. He's the emperor of your town. Yeah, he is. You're not an influencer. So since he got canceled, he you're influencing your parents to work until they're 87. That's what you're influencing. You're a bartender at Saddle Ranch. Third string.

You ain't no influencer. You got hazed by David Dobrik once and didn't even make the cut. Not the four minute cut. You let Toddy from the vlog squad shoot you with a paintball gun filled with frozen tarantula eggs. For some Snapchat views.

You ain't shit. That's pretty true, man. That's super true. That's pretty true. Those pretty true those are all when we did uh i've been skipping podcasts to sleep for the past three weeks yeah yeah so no that's good you need it uh when we were out in la like we had our live shows at saddle ranch which was like the worst i think vibe for like our show of like subpar looking white yeah i mean now i those first episodes were kind of broke me yeah just a sea of people looking down yeah whatever um today's episode weather's great brought to you by game time we love game time and game time loves that you guys

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as always, but you guys know that. Can't believe I even have to say it. You have any more on la um not off the top no that's fine um i have something to talk about uh i feel as if we've become a parody of what even ourselves which is funny because like we started off as a parody of a podcast like oh we did a whole episode about a little green apple a whole episode of a little red apple it's like jumping the shark i mean yeah you can't do three apple ones well no well two was enough you can't do three little apple ones um we have a bunch of

regular sized apples out there and i was looking and I was just like, fuck, I still can't even think of jokes for that. So. Jesus Christ. Big green apple. Rudy, can you hold this up while I just. I wrote about this green apple a little bit. Oh, my God. I feel like I'm in the Lion King.

Oh, yeah. I like that apple. I'm not going to talk shit on that apple. It feels really cool you want to feel it's like soft and hard at the same time it's like the twilight book cover hopefully this big fruit doesn't poach our producer if i give this thing to my teacher j Jerry Thornton finna blog about it. Because she'll fuck me. It's the first time I've ever said finna.

Couldn't make an apple teeny with this. It would be an apple biggie. It's not teeny at all. Works. Look at this. This thing's the size of Kyle's head. KB. Applebee. works look at this this thing's the size of kyle's head kb appleby eating good in the neighborhood this big ass apple the new ios or this which apple would use more megabytes probably this god green skin this apple must be sick. Fuck this.

If you made a pie with this apple, the crust would be bigger than the fucking Earth's crust. And if you made a pie with this, the crust would take longer to cool than the Earth's crust took 4.6 billion years ago.

What I'm saying is this pie would be larger than the Earth. This would be the second infinite pie. Like the mathematical number. This would be the second infamous pie. The worm that lives in this apple start in tremors. Sisyphus struggling to push this apple up a hill. I dropped this outside on the way into work And people yelled happy new year

Great great granny smith That was out of pocket This apple would have covered cooper cup in the super bowl Better than the other apple Shit This would have made Isaac Newton's skull look like JFK's Cooper Cup in the Super Bowl better than the other apple. Shit. This would have made Isaac Newton's skull look like JFK's. Oh, man.

That's low-hanging. It's bending the branch. That tree coming down. Snow White took a bite of this. No kiss bringing her ass back. Prince Charming would have had to settle with Sneezy, the most feminine

of the dwarves. Lowly Worm parked right in our studio. Scary town. Richard's scary. Busy town. Apple bottom jeans. Yeah, you'll have apple jeans if you eat this because it'll become 90% of your DNA.

You'll be more apple than man. You want this to be a caramel apple? The stick would have to be a mighty sequoia. Crab apple? Yeah, maybe if the constellation Cancer was hungry. Jesus Christ. Big ass apple. Sequel to the Roald Dahl

classic. Spinoff. You gotta be a giant green apple if you think we fucking. Pretty good. You're spitting right there. Thanks, man. Yeah. Thanks. I mean, the jokes write themselves. What do you think about this, Kyle?

I think about that. You knew I had this? Big apple. Oh, fuck. That shit's got Westchester County. what do you think about this kyle i think about that you have you knew i had this big apple oh fuck that shit's got westchester county it got perth amboy down at the bottom yonkers ass apple action bronson couldn't even make it out of that thing biggie smiles would still be a local rapper if he grew up in that apple that big apple brolic ass apple that apple apple's got Ronnie Coleman's core, MIT STEM program, Nick Cannon seeds. Kawhi Leonard couldn't give that much skin. That stem is so big and dark.

Even that fat bitch, Lisa Lampanelli, would try to eat it top to bottom like a corn dog. She tried to ride that stem like the Sibium. Lisa Lumpajelly's haunted vagina couldn't even handle that apple stem. That apple don't want shit to do with you, you big fat bitch, Lisa Lampanelli. That apple wouldn't eat your nasty pussy for all the weed in Compton. So I guess you did have something for this apple. This was $50. It's pretty good.

It looks real. Aside from its size. You think I could convince somebody that this was a real apple mints yeah yeah just like it'll be fun to eat look what i came home to the other day what you come home to what that might be small whoa did somebody leave a little apple so at your door yeah That's weird, dude. That shit's smaller than the actual fake little apple you got. That is, but wait. Did somebody leave that at your door? Yeah, no.

Are you not weirded out by that? Look how small. My hand is small. And that apple looks small. That's not even on my fingers. It's on my fingertips. Yeah, that looks small as fuck. Rude boy.

Yeah. So for those wondering, we're going to be doing the wow streams here pretty soon. We're trying to do it over Christmas. We forgot Kyle doesn't have a computer ever since you got Raspberry Jam all over your keyboard. Yeah. Screen. And your computer did work for a while, but then the jam just kept on taking more and more quadrants of your screen. To where it's now all jam.

Yeah, it doesn't work. It doesn't work. So we're going to have to get you a computer. But you were you were streaming the other day and we came up with the idea that you would buy you use a random word generator. Any any noun in the world? Yeah. You use a random word generator, any any noun in the world. Yeah.

And you would click the button and you would search that noun that came up in stream and you would buy the first game and play it. Yeah. And you clicked the button once. And what was your word? First thing we did. First word couldn't have. You couldn't. It was boyfriend.

It was boyfriend. So you played a gay dating sim. I played a bill. I did a build a boyfriend video game that was free okay it was a frankenstein build a boyfriend spin-off so wait so you were like there's already one of those yeah wait it was a spin-off yeah what the fuck yeah i mean i don't think that frankenstein the ip i mean i guess they did sign off because it was frankenstein build a boyfriend so the first time time I ever jerked off was to a, like a dating sim was called sim day and night.

And it was on e-bombs world. And you could, yeah. And like, you could go out with girls and then like, you'd be like, come home with me. And it would like,

uh, just be a naked picture of the girl. That's a wild point of entry for jerking off. That's what I had. Anything on e-bombs world. So I had that that and then the brick breaker yeah classic yeah so the uh i did the build a bear the build a boyfriend it was not really a thing it wasn't a yeah exactly it wasn't really a game so then we went on to the next one and the next what do you mean it wasn't really a game there was no like high score yeah but you could build the you could have what boyfriend did you

build oh yeah my my chat i worry that they're maybe they they weren't uh they said you just can't do this they were like you can't do this why i don't know why your your chat so we've both streamed with you yeah it's very it's a weird universe that you've built because they're super horny they're wildly horny why They're wildly horny. Why? Because is it a new thing? I hope so. I hope to cultivate a world of horniness, but like not to a point where it's a razor's edge.

It's like you can get dangerous. But now my discord is like better than hinge. Like there's we have like three prominent women who are very, very much like down for the community. And they'll just post like hot pictures of themselves and weirdly the guys are all like wildly respectful which is good what's wildly respectful they're they're feral about if you if you met them in person i think that they would like if you're a woman they would bow i was um i was thinking about weird that you brought that up. So it's been like shitty weather here, depressing gray.

I was walking just into work and it was raining and there was these, you know, the huge puddles that are like at the beginning of sidewalks. What the fuck was the goal of dudes taken off their jacket and laying it in a puddle? It doesn't help at all. You would just go to. Did that ever actually happen or was that just like a a cartoon thing yeah everything would still get wet everything would still get wet and like you're ruining a jacket ruining yeah you're wearing a wet jacket but i kind of will tell malasek to do it i want next time it rains i want to give him a jacket and go lay it in a puddle for a woman to see how she reacts. We're going to make him do that.

We're not even going to have to make him. We're going to have to ask him and he'll go. It's going to have to be like a research study. So he's going to have to do a bunch. Yeah, but like he'll have to have a dry jacket every time. Yeah. Because if a girl sees you, imagine getting caught by putting an already wet jacket in a puddle for a woman that's how you got caught cheating that's way worse that's like the way

oh yeah you got but like i don't even know how that became dudes were like um dudes were such pussies back courtships were gay do you want to know the what it says is the real reason yeah yeah it says legend has it queen elizabeth came to a puddle on a walk unable to cross without getting her shoes wet a swift chivalric jester sir walker rally threw his coat over the puddle the queen walked across mud free fucked up of the queen just be like just go around the puddle or instead of ruining your jacket carry her across also like queen was the size of a thimble true and also she has like maybe the most power at her disposal of any person on earth and then she's just stumped by a puddle that people are going to call me like the swift jester because i am

you're you're quick with the jokes swift just no like a like a really speedy quick-footed like jester size man jesters weren't short i thought they were like like jesters yeah oh i'm thinking what am i thinking of no you're thinking dwarves you're thinking of imps i'm thinking of imps wait you're thinking of dwarves. You're thinking of imps. I'm thinking of imps. Wait, you're so poisoned by the NY New York Times crossword. Imp is in everything. Oh, did you guys see the crossword puzzle on the first day of Hanukkah? It's a swastika.

It's a swastika. Oh. Pull it up. Pull up Saturdays. It's insane. Dude, I had to check on a Monday today. Today's was weird. Today's sucked.

Let me tell you why. I went to the subreddit and people were pissed. I had to do a check. Part of a swimmer's side stroke was scissors kick. Pluralized. That ain't a thing. No one's saying scissors kick.

Or scissor kicks. Like a puppy who's learned where to go is paper trained? I've never heard that. That's a very old... Potty trained. But paper trained like you would lay out a newspaper for it to pee on.

I actually got that one. A drifting platform for polar wildlife is ice flow i knew that one as well unspeakably awful awful is execrable i can't i couldn't even say the word that one fucked me up i was laying in bed pissed off at the world i was like i gotta see what the subreddit uh the subreddit uh talks about because i go to the crossword subreddit to see the daily that's what a strong community it is powerful i actually went to the subreddit to see what they said about the swastika one and everybody was just like what a beautiful grid and nobody really like they get off on like the flow of the grid um but i went to i don't know how it happened, but I was typing in Reddit crossword and then it went to cross fit and then I

like deleted it, but I clicked on cross or something. I deleted the word cross first, you know, you can like move your cursor and so it just fit and then fit naked girls was like, that's not even obscure. Yeah,

I did. I didn't like it because of course I saw pop up. Yeah. Did you ever see the um first of all the recommended subs for us is pretty funny let me see if i can find it it's like the number one related sub to the anus pod subreddit i think is bass pedals so like effect pedals for bass guitarists so it's like dudes that are like too self-conscious to be guitarists. They don't want to be heard.

But they want to like even distort their shit even more. I didn't even know they made bass pedals. But that is our number one crossover. Someone DMed me and said the boys over at r slash fupa love are showing us love. Why? I don't know. They said the boys on r

slash fupa love are ranting and raving about us no kidding i guess on fupa lovers did you see um you were the the bell of the ball of the bachelor subreddit did you see this told me no i don't so they you that you had your lookalike come in which having a look like on tv and then standing next to him in person has to be i never looked like him never did maybe as like maybe when you were both sperm cells maybe oh man but uh yeah they posted you on the bachelor subreddit tyler met his twin kent state wrestling legend kyle bauer and the comments twin if i'm blind no uh wait hold on there was some hold on there was a lot i thought of that i saw i guess i didn't screenshot the right ones

yeah if i close my eyes they look exactly the same oh LMFAO, the KB no swag guy got hired into Barstool for being funny on Twitter, but he's generally just the butt of many jokes. I don't think so at all. I could have went without saying and hearing. And then somebody responded, KB fucking runs Barstool.

You don't know what the fuck is going on. There you go. You have shooters. Yeah, thank you. But KB isn't. And somebody else. What? He isn't the butt of many jokes. He's one of the only people now with content worth consuming. So there you go.

I don't need that shit in my life. You got a discourse. It's toxic. What do you mean? Hearing good or bad things about yourself. Good things are good. Nah, that's just worse. When you seek it out and you crave it.

It's the only way you can get your boost. That's bad. I went to an adult doodle class last week. It was at a dog cafe. That's so, yeah,

it was. I bodied it. I were doing sketches at a doodle class. I wasn't. You were doing full blown sketches at a doodle class. I wasn't. You were doing full-blown sketches at a doodle class. Of course you're doing three-dimensional. I used some of my classic training.

That's not doodles. Yes, I'm classically trained. I'm not going to just drop that. I can't just forget it. It's second nature. You were doing easel work on notepad paper. I was. I was, but I went and they taught us how to draw a dog

what was the clientele at the doodle workshop uh really just uh hot uh 25 to 30 year olds uh it was just me and maresh it was just me and maresh okay um so he we had to draw learn how to draw a dog and his turned out like shit oh yikes let me see bad looking dog it's like a michelin you guys are learning to sketch no a dog is just you do the two-dimensional you make it fun you don't make it look realistic doodle dog right now doodling is there's my dog oh i actually find that kind of disturbing why it's cute why is eyes all black it's a dog but like they're not that black yeah that's uncanny valley that's photo that's photo realism but i could teach you guys how to draw a dog it was it was great you went to you definitely did the the full classes at the stifle fine arts center i in was great. You definitely did the full classes at the Stifle Fine Arts Center in Woodsdale.

I not only did the full classes every summer of just drawing, I eventually became a teacher there. I had my own classroom. Oh, man. But it was weird. It was my summer job in college. I was teaching sketching classes and drawing classes there. But then they also assigned me a robotics class. I had to teach robotics to like eighth graders.

And I had no idea what to do. What did you do? Didn't do that. But it was like parents were paying like $500 for a week. It's all scams. Yeah. Everything is a scam except for. Hello, fresh.

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and more at HelloFresh Market. Go to HelloFresh.com slash Story21, Story21, and use code Story21 for 21 free meals plus free shipping. That for 21 free meals plus free shipping. It's 21 free meals and free shipping with code story to one. I was looking for topical news stories to talk about one of the D'Amelio sisters. There was a cheating accusation. They said she cheated at dancing with the stars.

How? How do you cheat at dancing with the stars how how do you cheat at dancing cgi yeah that's that's just being good at dancing yeah yeah come on now that's all i got that's all i got though how dixie damelio you're going to prom with me and you're going to like it what the fuck is that is that world of t-shirts before now was he trying to go to prom i'm following him like a fucking reality show it's every night he's documenting his whole day he's going live he's being a nuisance at bars he's he's having a great life he's always in just like like some he's going to cool bars every night in new york city getting wasted singing screaming dancing on people throwing up in his drink consuming it afterwards now he

has like a 59 year old dude following him around um that's good television he dresses like the poorest kid in gym he wears the same shit every day it's kind of awesome i don't even know where you can get shorts people are sending him i don't even know what the gifts mean but they're sending him galaxy to like naughty bop and bra in the bronx or like dance at the bar i think that's like 20 bucks what do you mean when you can give somebody a gift during their live streams and it's the equivalent of money oh so that's what's funding his i don't think he's tipping at all he's a complete dickhead but um not the dickhead of the week oh fuck no no i was hoping you wouldn't be mentally well enough to deem a dickhead of the

week no this one was a give me it was a layup i uh i bought this thing called a pal kitty it's like an uh an it's a game boy it's like an illegal chinese game boy it has all these games built in every i have every game boy game boy advance nes super nintendo dream. I did that on my iPod Touch in 2010. Sure, yeah. My jailbroken one. Yeah, but that was a real gamble. And it made every other aspect of your phone worse. It was my iPod Touch. Oh.

Yeah. Yeah, it still made it really clunky. Yeah. But this thing, I've just been playing Yu-Gi-Oh! And I've been staying up till like 2.30 in the morning playing Yu-Gi-Oh! The Eternal Duelist Soul. Trying to build my deck around Summon Skull. There's no dickheads in the Yu-Gi-Oh! The Eternal Duelist Soul, trying to build my deck around Summon Skull. There's no dickheads in the Yu-Gi-Oh! card universe besides Maneater Bug.

But I play with him. Maneater Bug? Okay. That at least makes sense. I mean, I'm stumbling upon Pokemon that are... It's almost impossible to make something so stupid. So it's the name... You don't always have...'t always name the power the the look i think like throwing a curveball and having a week where it's not a pokemon would be funny what yeah i know i'm consider i'm taking i'm weighing everything equally people things i've said this in the

past animals everything that can express um can make you feel bad before you get into that i think uh so we had a meeting about like how to make your podcast profitable um and segment driven podcasts like pmt is the model their segments they sell their segments you know i i want to sell dickhead of the week dickhead of the week brought to you by... It sells itself, yeah. No, it doesn't. Okay. Because it's not sold. Yeah. Doesn't at all. You would think. You would think. I want to sell

Dickhead of the Week. I want to see what company gets behind it. Yeah. But anyway, sorry for interrupting. Proceed. With Dickhead of the Week? You're going to wait. Oh, no. Let's proceed with dickhead of the week or you're gonna wait oh no let's go into dickhead of the week can i guess you can guess it's easy it's another no-brainer so it shouldn't be too hard um so i think you've you've gone there is it is it a type i think it's tell me a type you haven't done yet.

Its name is a combination related to one animal and one product or aroma. It's aroma, meaning it's good it shouldn't what is it they combined the swine onomatopoeia oink oh the fragrance product cologne yeah oink alone it's oink alone and they what they try to do here is make a pig sexy and a lesbian it has that inverted bob the karen cut i know yeah they tried to make a pig pigs can be cute a sexy pig it's do you're looking at it pull it up i got everyone does it all from la chonk yes which is actually like a cute pig and it's a cute little pig. And it's disgusting.

Let's talk about it. It's a hog Pokemon, obviously. Its name is a combination of Oink and Cologne, which that's gross. Oink Cologne. It's disgusting. It looks like a fat lesbian. Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Hamhawk. Its abilities.

This is the good one this is the truth its abilities are this is real from bulbapedia gluttony and lingering aroma that's its abilities those are disabilities those are pathologies it's medically obese i love permanent body odor you're spending more time on Bulbapedia than anybody. It's hidden ability, which is a thing. You know about hidden abilities? It's hidden ability is thick fat. No, no, it's not hidden.

Is that it? There's other versions. Yeah, there are other versions. There's a male and female version. This one, it has yellow growths underneath its eyes. That is disgusting. It has 3D jaundice. That's shiny. 3D

jaundice. Big yellow growths. Fucking addicted to pudding shots. It looks like a trans girl on Xanax went to a doodling class and actually tried to make a pig sexy. Look at that thing. Look at the tail. Look at the tail. The appendages at the tail what about it oh yeah droopy triangular ears with yellow insides are you thinking of redeeming qualities you're you're throwing in the towel early i mean no i

think it's it's a newer pokemon and it's like it's an early game Pokemon. It's it's like probably the Rattata Raticate version. They're not meant to be played through with the whole game. They're meant to be caught early used and giving it excuses, not positive qualities. No, I think you're giving it excuses for sucking. No, no, no. I think it does its job well. And I think the job is what a lingering aroma and lechonk is funny

it's cute and i think the there's different versions of it i think it's an okay pokemon i looked at the stats to abysmal chris davis 18 terrible stats all around look at that and it was posted again it was posted i looked it up on reddit to r slash feral pokey porn to the tune of 205 it was a depiction of it getting fucked in the ass its pussy is bordering its ass no gooch wink alone's getting fucked in the ass 205 upvotes okay zero comments that's how pathetic the people who even like it know it they can't even they're afraid to even comment how if they like it it's getting fucked in the ass by what a dick a penis but like what's the dick it looks like a human penis it's out of the the rest of the body

is out of sight it looks like megan rapinoe ate an entire mia ham and then traded pussies with Hope Solo. Oink Alone has no fans. God hates it. Sold out the Wilbur. Wait, didn't you say God hates Nuzleaf too? Got it, yes. It's coincidental. Looks like it forgot to check yes for utensils on a milk bar cake and had to eat it with a gunky fork from the sink.

Oh jeez geez that was specific yeah let's the names are so bad oink alone in le chanque is that a pork roast pun why pork roast pun what does that mean le chanque i think it's just like french it's french and so would cologne what is this oh man oh no i tried to recreate i saw the other day the what the worst snack run of all time in front of me in line and i tried to recreate it the best i could at the store nearby this is you can't get a worse combination of items from a store gas station etc you guys probably like some of these i i i'm afraid i'm gonna love this plain ruffles oh you need a dip you need it is it there's no point of like nothing the ruffle doesn't do anything ruffle

makes it stronger for dip but you're eating if you're getting one of these you're not gonna have dip with it look at the cover yeah but this is just a single solo bag of like 16 of them don't who's eating these there's so many good chips with flavor yeah on the flip side this is probably this is more disgusting than the kiwi strawberry snapple and because people have this stigma about gatorade that it's for athletes it's for healthy people this is the fattest thing you could drink in the worst flavor of it too which one fierce grape oh that doesn't taste like grape that tastes like metallic this a 32 ouncer of this probably the worst beverage you can get it's disgusting because you're you're trying something you're not even a gross person you're trying bad who's eating drinking nectar i said eating

because you're pretty it's so thick you're pretty much this is this is disgusting unless you're on the a raft in the indian ocean like the life of pie boy you don't who is drinking this? Peach, orange flavor nectar. That sounds awesome. Sunflower seeds without the shell. Look at the brand. No one's eating sunflower seeds to taste the flavorless seed. No. The whole fun is sucking the salt and flavor off the seed. Crack doing a little fucking math with your tongue.

Dude. Horrible. flavor off the seed crack doing a little fucking math with your tongue dude i uh horrible i every time i'm home i have a cheek full of sunflower seeds i'm like mr sir i can't stop pineapple flavored gum first off you should never be eating fruit flavored gum that's for mint and that's for something to you know give you a mint feel in your mouth. That's the only purpose gum should. That's a demo run on, on flavor. And pineapple is the worst flavor. These, these need brought down 10 pegs because they give off the illusion of a sweet,

fun snack. You guys, what did these taste like? Wax. Yeah. Syrup. Yeah. What? I uh an announcement i actually love the grape gatorade and whistlers okay okay the non these yeah okay those are certainly i mean these go without saying

what is that the peanuts and raisins wait i didn't know there was look how kb yeah whatever k and b can't split me wait i've never seen just peanuts and raisins big ass raisins and they're mostly raisins wait a minute i could write some jokes about that give me one of those yeah some gore well i've never just seen peanuts and on the flip side of gum if you're any man don't chew mint. Weak ass. Now. All right. So you try to recreate this. When did you see this? And were you pissed off in line? Yes.

I had to wait three minutes because now I time myself. Whenever I'm waiting for something and I'm getting like frustratingly impatient, I just hit the timer. And it's always like, yeah, I only waited three minutes. But that's still three. That's a long time in line. I feel like that would make you more angry. No, it helps. OK. okay okay i disagree with that yeah because i think like when you're done you look back and you're like it wasn't that long are you trying it just so bad it can't be so bad it can't be so bad it somehow is it had to pass so many levels of product testing.

Let me taste this. Have the nectar. Have your nectar. Ew. That's so good. Oh, good? That's really, that's so good. I get, but drink this and like, don't sneak off to get this. Like you're an alcoholic.

It's good. This is damn good. Jesus. Something about nectar just quenches so much better. Nectar quenches better? I love nectar, I think. When did you come to that realization? Oh my god, this is insanely good.

My bad. Big shout out to Nantucket. Dude, maybe Nantucket Nectar can sponsor Dickhead of the week insanely good I get addicted to that oh no alright I get it

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That's betterhelp, H-E-L-P dot com slash new. N-E-W. This in a glass bottle? Jesus, game over. Those things have a nice pop on the glass bottle the top yes they sometimes have a fact on the on the island tours on nantucket experiences its highest volume in august yeah thanks man i guess you were right um Yeah, these are great. This would be killer with some vodka.

Oh, no. Oh, are you going to be back? No. I haven't even craved it, dude. But have you craved the feeling? No, it was more of a crutch for anxiety. I get that. I get that a lot.

So you think you're done for good? I don't know. I think I might have to. I mean, you're on the nectar think you're done for good? I don't know. I think I might have to. I mean, you're on the nectar now. What do you look? You keep on looking for. I had the weirdest alcohol phases. What a gross life. Alcohol?

Yeah. I had a sake run. My worst was the soju run. Oh, I remember when you were on. I was obsessed with soju. The Korean one. I would just get three of the bottles. It's phenomenal.

It's Korean vodka, right? It's so thick. It is. That's what drew me to it was the thickness and it's after a while it got so bad i remember your sake run you would buy like a six pack and go to like a party 13 percent yeah remember one time i went to k-town alone sat down to get a meal it ended up ordering three soju's drinking them all and getting the meal to go forget blacking out forgetting the meal just leaving it there that was gross I was sweaty in the winter yeah I yeah you

you're not like a I'll go out and I'll just like be like oh I'm gonna get a whiskey ginger I'll go out I'm gonna do Bud Light you stick to one alcohol for like two three months and it used to be I could only consume it via taking shots of liquor that was I'm going to do Bud Light. You stick to one alcohol for like two, three months. And it used to be I could only consume it via taking shots of liquor.

That was until 2018. So I would go to the liquor store and I would instinctively or like I would gag as soon as I smelled the liquor store because I knew what I was about to get into. I would get my shot or my liquor, my chaser, my shot, pour it halfway and just rip half shots in the corner by myself until I was ready to talk. God damn, dude. You're warming up. Yeah. What was your chaser? I can't even enjoy any of those drinks anymore.

Yeah. They ruin them. I can't have applesauce anymore because I got bronchitis pretty bad and I couldn't swallow. I can't eat dessert pizza from Greco's because it made me throw up once. Did you guys grow up with dessert pizza? Yeah, it was really thin crust with just cookie dough and chocolate chips on it. No, that sounds really good. Yeah, it was pretty good. So it's just a massive cookie

cut into slices? I guess it is. No, it was like an actual pizza, which kind of made it gross. Yeah, it was like a flaky pizza crust and there's like cheese obviously. Well, no. It's cookie dough and chocolate chip. Oh, that's pretty good. Yeah, it was. it was like a flaky pizza crust and there's like obviously well no it's cookie dough and chocolate chip oh that's pretty good yeah it was you can't do it anymore because you got too drunk and threw it up or something dude no that was just a thing that made me sick oh no that was like 10 oh yeah it's weird how you have aversions like and that happens. We are going home for Christmas this week, but we're backlogging.

So we're recording today, tomorrow, following day. So it's going to be more of a quantity. Hopefully quality remains. We'll see how it goes. We've never done like a marathon recording every day. And that probably sounds pretty pathetic if I'm saying it's going to be hard we'll see how it goes um we have some guests we have some surprises it'll be good yeah but i'm going home i just finished my christmas shopping i have my mom my dad my sister my 60 year old autistic uncle and my grandma.

And he's very autistic and he doesn't like anything. And he's so hard to shop for. I got him brass knuckles, dude. I didn't know. I got a fucking brass knuckles. Yeah. Yes. He he like can't live alone he lives in a nursing home

with my grandma they share the same that's a perfect gift I thought so too because I was like can't get him a knife but like he's not gonna get

in any fist fights so I just like just to have him to like carry around he's gonna feel cool just standing around with a fucking at the grocery store

with brass knuckles on puzzled look on his face well that's the the pc term for puzzled looking autistic who's that dude with the puzzled look over dude when he's not confused he knows exactly what he likes and you know yeah it's only three things um yeah, that's a good present. I think it's a damn good gift. Yeah. Like you don't want to get them like my mom has gotten them like Nerf guns and stuff. Oh, it's like that.

You didn't specify the severity. Yeah, it's either that. Chronic. Oh, that's chronic. That comic books like it's just like it always goes to waste but like i yeah he uh he loves vanna white and like oh my dad's my 60 year old dad's gonna clown him on twitter wait my uncle yeah you're autistic why is he doing that he's gonna yeah your dad's starting to combine characters by the way i don't know what he's up to there's a crisis going on because it's like

i'm a huge lib and love Travis K. It's definitely some crises. Yeah. Yeah. I'm excited for you. He texted me the other day. He was like, I'm Ubering the LA Gorillas right now to a gaming tournament. And I was like, aren't they?

And I looked, those guys are huge. They just had the CDL championship. I think they won the Call of Duty World Series. No, New York. It's weird you brought that up. I randomly watched yesterday. The New York Subliners won. I think they won the Call of Duty World Series. No, New York. It's weird you brought that up. I randomly watched yesterday. The New York Subliners won. Oh, they won. Yeah, I was watching it. It's pretty fucking hard to follow.

It's a lot going on. I could never get into that. My roommate was huge into the Overwatch League. I bought him a jersey for his birthday and he it was not. I said I'm a good gift giver. Not a good gift because you don't want to like you're not going to wear an overwatch league jersey no you're not you can't even hang that up no no my bad my bad aunt i think gaming is the move we were talking about this that's the move yeah gaming is the move when you're in a i think yeah as you get older i see i get it more

and more yes it's really the only like break you can get from existing uh i've been when i'm in mental ruts which is often uh i'm a nostalgia guy i'll watch like a movie or a show that i watched when i was 13 play a video game that i that i played when i was 13 look at like listen to fucking afi sing the sorrow nostalgia for me gets me i like watch i like the aesthetics of it i guess but when they actually when the guys on tiktok actually play the game boy games it's it's not fun um you can only click up and down no there are some decent ones like i don't think you can have fun on a game boy you can tetris is a timeless game that's somebody that's like something that doesn't require buttons well yeah you need a knob you can play it on your phone so like if you you

should start gaming rudy i want you to start putting your gaming stuff on the anus channel um i also think like you should start uh filming yourself when you do your tier lists i want to redo my pokemon tier list and film myself and throw it up on the anus youtube the uh mook you too the people want kb doing geoguessr that was a big takeaway you and you and julia yeah you and julia i used to post videos all the time yeah some of them can be rep i don't know if we could post them i had some good they live on the barstool website i could uh host you two i'm like the Twitch, and I could just set you guys up for a match. I think that he's in for a world of hurt.

I don't know, man. He was pretty knowledgeable, and he was saying the capitals correctly. But that's- He was an impressive- Geoguessr's a visual medium. My thing was memorizing the capitals. He just knew them. From going.

He didn't care to show anyone. Well, you're right, because traveling does help, because he will then be able to have a visual aspect in which geoguessr is highly visual so maybe it'd be a good match yeah i want to become friends with him i don't know how to like he's one of the he's one of those him and francis uh you used to be one too it's very nice yeah i have like a kind of a crush on you know like yeah that feeling it's not like a new friend it's like more than it's not like it's not sexual no it's not sexual but you want him you want him yeah yeah but getting him is hard getting him would be tough and just like an invite over to like drink at his place would be fucking i feel he would lead me on like be super excited about the like the prospect

yeah and then i don't know Would he end up hurting you? You think? Yes. I'm hurt more by guys than I have ever been by a girl. Yeah, it's true. It's hard when you get in like your mid 20s, it's difficult to make guy friends. Yeah, I think I don't know, because guys are like hardwired. You can if you have one thing in common or slightly in common, like if you and a guy are out and you guys are kind of wearing the same flannel, you're good. Yeah,

I know. I agree with that in person. It's very easy. Oh, in person, the followup, like, Oh no,

there is no followup. That's the worst. No, no. You need, you need a second person that off like, who's like mediating it. Yeah.

You can mutual friend friend but you'll never see him again what do you you can't send that second text or that first text no get his number hey it was nice meeting you man oh it's a bridge too far there was this guy um we were walking into my building together and i just he was like the look and attire of who would be like a barstool guy. And he was like, yo man, what's going on? Like, Hey, he was like, I didn't know you lived here. I was like, yeah. And he was like, cool. Like, let me get your number. We'll grab a beer sometime. I was like, all right. And then he was like, so what do you do?

I was like, Oh yeah. And so, Oh, so there was, it was pure. Yeah. But why? Yeah. and so oh so there was it was pure yeah but why yeah it's i don't know i don't know and i was very confused by that and then he texted me not too long ago to go grab a drink did you ghost him no oh no i was just like hey man i've been sick which is true you guys can hear it so but are you gonna pursue i or accept dude i i think uh i think my circle's done i think i'm done growing i'm good i'm content yeah it's i hate i mean it's sad but i i agree i'm i'm content uh i've been a groomsman too much already and uh i i i i'm already overwhelmed with like uh jokes i feel obligated to hang out with some people and i don't know yeah no yeah i'm done with that you don't you done with friends? Yes. How many do you have?

I know your circle's a Cheerio, but like... No, he's a Fruit Loop. Yeah, your circle's the Fruit Loop. Yeah, it's a Fruit Loop. It's terrible cereal. You think so? Hate it. You hate that artificial flavor.

Ew. I think the flavor's good, but it wrecks your mouth. I'd rather have a Fuity pebble if i'm having a fruit cereal or oops all berries you ever try to buy zen from a like a very foreign guy and you're trying to describe to him which one you want and you realize he doesn't know like the english enough to know like the flavor like spearmint or peppermint and then you then you're like oh left and right then you realize he doesn't know left or right yes then you try to say the color he doesn't know colors either yes you gotta it's it happens to me all the time it happens you

have to like use your fingers to try to direct it happens i mean you gotta you gotta learn the colors or you gotta learn left and right because all i'm saying is left left left they don't know bring a i would just flash a picture of the one you want that because uh i it's tough in the city i'm a pussy and i'll do snooze and it's really tough to ask for snooze um because i'm also such a cunt that i refuse to call it snus um and so i just go in there and i ask for snooze they they grab like a copenhagen long cut oh yeah it's impossible it's tough yeah i have this weird thing where the guy that i always go to he does the same thing we go through the the same song and dance where he doesn't know which one it is and then he follows it up at the end like the last three times he goes we do this every week and i'm like so you know yeah not even on some xenophobia shit if the the roles were reversed and i was the i was working

the cash the cash register the booth that you know in serbia or whatever pakistan then um as soon as that happened to be once i would go and i would look up uh the translation of left and right green and red yeah you know it and now that's what that's the worker i would no you wouldn't no i wouldn't no you wouldn't no i get I wouldn't. No, you wouldn't. No, I get it then. Yeah. It would be tough. And like the Zen colors are too similar. Isn't there like an aqua and then a teal? And they're always next to each other. Yeah.

Yeah, that's true. When I get my brain back, I'm going to learn another language, but just kind of. And I'm going to be obnoxious about it. Are you? Yes. I tried to do that with Chinese. I was Duolingo chineseing and then i was taking a lesson in person uh in columbus columbus i was all about bettering

myself i didn't have internet for a year just so i would read you weren't but you weren't happier back then god no no i'm even though like i'm tired and i'm sick all the time and busy i'm happier than i've been ever. When I was in Youngstown, I actually had no friends. I didn't even know anyone in the city. So what did you do? Drove to Pittsburgh or Cleveland, but I didn't want to do that. So I just, you know, chalked it up.

Chalked it up is just like life. Yeah. Just like this. It's crazy how content you get so fast. Yeah. In Columbus, I my my roommate i was friends with he was like one of my best friends but he was an attorney law school was busy so like if i couldn't hang out with him on a weekend i you go to co-workers and co-workers in the real world are way different than co-workers here way different way different because you're when you're hanging out

in person like outside of work you're still on work mode you're still using like yeah the terms of work you can't you can't cuss you can't you can't gawk at a nice fat ass um it's tough right no none of that there's you're still talking about oh it's a little too chilly for my liking you can't point out the 60 year old-old autistic man with brass knuckles in the corner. Yeah. We kind of actually have a sense. My uncle is severely brain damaged. Jeez, you guys have the weakest uncles.

Yeah. But it's interesting because he's the easiest guy to get gifts for because he knows what he fucks with heavy. So what are you getting him with heavy so what are you getting him what do you yeah what are you getting he loves anything he grew up in dc and so if you get him anything um commanders related um yeah the sports ones are the easiest yeah sports are very easy so also a big crossword guy so here's the issue with my uncle. He was autistic learning disability growing up. He was then moved away to Baltimore and he was like independent living. But then he was severely overmedicated for like 40 years.

That's severely. And so like he sued his dog. We ended up suing his doctor like but it left him. I guess. Yeah, I guess our uncles are similar. Yeah, but he's a big Ravens guy. But I've already, you know, I'm 30 getting him a gift every year since I was 15. I've tapped every Ravens thing, every West Virginia Mountaineers thing, every comic book.

I've run out. So I knew the brass knuckles time would come. Brass knuckles. And then next year I'll get him the other hand. Can you film that like a military homecoming style? Like sad music and like overlay. Yeah. Yeah.

I'll film it. Yeah. Dude. Dealing with the special needs is a large part of my life. Like my mom works at a nonprofit, started a nonprofit to give like the special needs adults hobbies because a lot the special needs uh adults hobbies because a lot of special needs adults don't have hobbies um and so like when i was home last time i sent you that picture of me in the drum circle with all the yes i laughed but that was i mean

yeah you kind of you wanted you know what you knew what you were doing that was still impressive the entire fourth floor my mom's similar to yours she She does that shit too. Like she'll, she has one dude that she just delivers hungry man's too. Yeah. Yeah. Probably get it himself. No. Yeah.

No, it sounds like your mom's quite the philanthropist. Here's a frozen dinner. Yeah. That's what he wants. It's the only thing he eats. Damn. She's a fucking saint

yeah it's bad the holidays are tough too because my grandma's old my mom's gonna be so pissed I'm talking about this the grandma that lives with the uncle and she always eats her meals too fast and so every

meal we have she throws up and me and my dad she does this thing where she just shuffles to the bathroom and then she lets it loose always eats her meals too fast. And so every meal we have, she throws up and me and my dad, she does this thing where she just shuffles to the bathroom and then she lets it loose. And me and my dad was soon as dinner served. It's like, that's, it's like we like major pain.

And because as soon as she gets up to shuffle, you know, like the appetite's gone. So, so I'm like every holiday for me is like, I'm to Kiro Kobayashi and I'm just going until the shuffle happens. That sucks. Yeah.

That's part of going home, man. I think that's family. It is. I wouldn't trade it. Yeah. You can't. You just can't. Yeah.

If you run out of brass knuckles, though, socks always work. I found with socks. Socks don't work. He works. He loves socks. Really? I love socks on a like a brand new pair of socks rocks yeah i don't know what i want like my mom was really pressuring me this year of like what do you want for christmas i couldn't name one thing no i said pants but you want to pick out the pants i want to pick out the pants what did you ask for nothing because she wants to do something

nice and i feel like i'm making her job infinitely harder i i haven't asked for something since uh maybe i was 26 and ever since then my mom's gone over on gifts yeah she's gone over i stopped trying i just don't even ask for anything in particular. Yeah. It's just easier that way. Yeah. You just go basic. Give me a pack of black t-shirts. Yeah. It's just, yeah, there's just nothing that really, because once you get to a certain

age, all you, you know what you want and then describing it to your parents and having it delivered in a fashion that suits you is almost impossible. But if there's something that I really want, I'm not going to make my parents buy it for me. I'll go get it. Right. I just want to be home. I want to chill and nap.

I want to not have to shovel snow. But I'm going to have to. Maybe I'll just ask for books. You got your mom a Porsche? I want to. It's like the dream. You want to get your mom a Porsche? Yeah.

But with my current amount of money. So it would just be gigantic to her. She would end up like being like more her payment would be like 900 a month maybe she'll be over oh my dude yeah you should get your mom just do the down payment yeah just get her a porsche she'd be so mad it would be the worst thing ever. That would be so funny. Oh my God. I think you should.

Yeah. Did you get her anything this year? Yeah. Yeah. What'd you get her? I ain't saying. Oh, she's listening. Oh yeah.

You got to keep it a secret. Yeah. Waiting for me to talk about my porn addiction. I'm not addicted. Wait, what? I'm not addicted to other dudes getting pussy. That's weird. That is weird. Yeah.

Someone said that. Sure. And I was like, that puts it into perspective. Yeah. How are you addicted to other dudes getting pussy? I don't watch two people having sex anymore. Oh, I never did. That's weird.

No, I was never of i i my pie chart of jerking off to photos to videos is heavily on the photo side it's looking like uh like the last frame of pac-man before he closes his mouth that's actually kind of the more intellectual way of doing it you think so old school renaissance yeah i guess yeah i like to think myself as an old sailor yeah yeah no there's a lot of like logical fallacies in porn logical or like sexual fallacies like you said yeah yeah it's like pretty gay yes the head i'll never understand i'll never understand watching a head video yeah Like you said. Yeah. Yeah. It's like pretty gay. Yes. The head, I'll never understand.

I'll never understand watching a head video. Yeah. I'm never. That's that head. You're a head video guy? Well, I'm. That's. I wonder. I understand.

That's all cock. Like that. I don't get. I don't. I never. It was. I never got that. I understand it being the.

The. The being the piece. It's not the sum of the video. It gets to pussy. It gets to sex, but it's strictly head videos. Whenever I click on a video... They're popular. You see them. What a... Yeah, no. I would never get... You're a head video guy.

Head video guy. I'm not exclusively a head video guy. Have you ever jerked off just to a head video guy? Yes, never get. You're a head video guy. Head video guy. I'm not exclusively a head video guy. Have you ever jerked off just to a head video guy? Yes, he has. He's a head video guy. Weird. Well, I mean. I think like a lot of like the best, like the big time fuckers are. Like Drake said he was.

Drake, yeah. NBA players are. Drake, Rudy. The big time fuckers. Yeah. Thanks. But yeah, and I'm sort of rethinking things now. I might have to switch like joi

something a little more like the joi is weird it is they're talking down to you they are and also i picture joi jerk off instructors i also picture it like an auditorium what we're like all of us all of you think you're surrounded you're in a class i just feel that way you're a weird dude yeah well it just feels that way it's like a ted talk yeah it's those are weird and i don't like a countdown either my algorithm on tiktok for a while was jerk off instructions and i don't know why then i went to family guy and now i'm on wrestling pops and i've never watched wrestling in my life and i'm loving the wrestling yeah i love everything i they i get a lot of interests. I want to explore ghost towns in Nevada now. Did you see the guy that bought a ghost town?

He has a YouTube series. It's fucking awesome. Those are the best. He just bought a ghost town. He's exploring. He found like an old ass pair of Levi's. He's like, this will pay off the whole fucking town. Found like a miner's pair of Levi's that probably had shit in them.

Why else would you take off your pants in a mine? It's the only reason you would ever do that. Probably crack it open, still sink. Yeah. So next episode will be with the boy dad guys, which will be exciting. We have a good chemistry with those guys because we do a show with them every single day. And then we'll get Malasek to go lay his jacket in a puddle tomorrow as well hopefully yeah hopefully it rains and if not we'll have to go yeah we'll have a wait if it doesn't

rain tomorrow we're gonna have a make a puddle yeah yeah that's better yeah yeah we'll have malicek make a puddle he's down for anything he's the man all right thank you guys for listening new untold story 312 3212? 323. Close. 323. That was pretty close. Yeah. Thanks, guys.