A New Untold Story - Portland - A New Untold Story: Ep. 458

Episode Date: July 24, 2025

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Hey, a new untold story listeners, you can find every episode on Apple Podcast, Spotify or YouTube. Prime members can listen to ad free on Amazon Music. Ready to go whenever you are. Do I have a zit on the inside of my nostril and it's so there's a worst kill for those days. They're doing it again. You're doing it again. I'm not even going to bring it up.

I'm not even flexing. We're just out of our zit years. Oh, no, dude. I'm in I'm in the middle. You'm not even flexing. We're just out of our zit years. Oh no, dude. I'm in the middle. You have never noticed a zit on either of you. I have three zits in my forehead right now. I'm wearing makeup. Oh, yeah you do. Are you?

Dude, I'd consider it. No. Why not? It's a toner. That's makeup? Makeup's a kind of- No, it's a serum. You have a serum on?

Is it tinted serum? I do the tinted moisturizer. Yeah, I need to start. Not during the summer. Not during the summer. I need to start caring about how I look. I think I do. Whatever.

You got a nice Orion's belt on your forehead right now. Don't you? I know, thank you. Kyle said he's never seen a zit on me. Now I notice. Kind of intense. Yeah, Kyle's doing this thing lately where he's like, man, I miss those days. I miss the prime zit days where you'd pop and it would, you know, your mouth would salivate. He's insulting us. And the variety of vibrant colors would.

Try to get his it. A mitt. Try to get his it. Try to get his it. Yeah, but you can. I guess I got to drink six IPA's tonight, I guarantee. I you're but you're you're addicted to the oil wipes because my face is fucking disgusting. No, it's not.

Every time I see my reflection in the high def cameras. Yeah, what's that? You have I saw you rubbing a stick on your face the other day to trying everything This is the the anti shine stick What's it do It makes you look less oily I guess but you look mad. You know what you don't look you look like yeah You look Matt you look like a pair of Oakley gas cans matte black or beige. I guess you look filtered Thank you. Yeah, man We'll start a bad clap Fuck no baby! It's a new untold story!

A new untold story It's a fresh baked untold story A new untold story A new untold story what episode number? This is episode 458 It is an area code Why'd you why'd you laugh because I have to well I got gotta go to the phone, time to strap in. Yeah, so I have some material. Ooh, it's a funny time. The 458 area code serves the state of Oregon

minus the Portland area. It's everywhere but Portland? Pretty much. Oh man. Pretty nice, right? Yeah. The good part. You don't like Portland?

I think I know, you know, Portland gets kind of a justified bad rap. The rest of Oregon is extremely beautiful. When we went, it was I didn't love it. I didn't hate it either. Sure. For the sake of what I'm

about to say. Yeah, it's the worst. Cincinnati, by the way, has shooters. I said I didn't like Cincinnati. I said it wasn't pretty. I let that go. I might as I my life was in danger for a little bit. They think they're like a top three skyline. The top three, you don't know what you're getting yourself into. Don't do it.

I mean, they're good. They're a top three Ohio River Town. You're you're you're getting yourself into. Don't do it. I mean, they're good. They're a top three Ohio River town. You're you're you're a dead man. Maybe top four. They're after Pittsburgh. I think Cincinnati's incredible after Evansville and after Paducah. Oh, no, you put Paducah in front of them. It happens to all of us, man.

Remember when I said the grid in Salt Lake City was confusing and stupid and the worst ever, and it's unanimously agreed upon being the best? Yeah, but they don't have shooters. I'm gonna try to go through this pod today without an opinion or a take or a side. Going the gender route. Yeah. Okay, okay.

Just a lot of declarative facts. Yes. All right, I'll try to juxtapose that with some exotic takes. Portland, home of the, that's where the Phillips head screw was invented. Really? Yes. That's just a fact.

Yes. That's what I'm going to do. Made by a guy named Philip. Philip's head. Screw. Well, why do you name it after his head? He looks nothing like it actually kind of does It's one of those situa you start to see it over time. Yeah, holy shit. That looks just like a head of a screw

Yeah, okay anyway Yeah, so it's the area code 458 is Oregon minus Portland, Oregon minus Portland. Oregon minus Portland is like the Garden of Eden minus the evil fruits. And on the topic of apple tragedies, the city of Portland is like if cancer, avoid it jobs. Oregon minus Portland is like Adam Duritz's bedroom in the 90s minus the naked Adam Duritz. Portlanders don't know anything about friends, but they still wish that Ross ended up getting it on with Monica because they think that swimmers should be able to have cocks regardless of the context. I fucking God. Holy fucking shit. Yeah.

Going in. Portland is like a Hunger Games role playing server. A lot of PETA motherfuckers falling in love with the heroin. a lot of PETA motherfuckers falling in love with the heroin The dating pool in Portland is the bathtub from gummo Thank you, Nick for putting me onto that It's the day we pull. It's filled with spaghetti and milk. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, how about Portland's local art scene?

Portlanders put the anal goo in artisanal goods. Their locally sourced, handcrafted products are typically shitty in quality and covered in fecal residue, occasionally resembling the consistency and texture of a standard gunk or goo. Gynecologists in Portland be like, is that what I think it is? Hoes in Portland be like, oh waiter, there's a blue hair in my impossible beef barley soup. People in Portland are going green from severe bacterial infection caused by dead tissue in their arms and legs. Portland is a cold hug on a wet day, a rainbow without the hue, a playboy mansion with only the hue a game of catch without the Sun an

overcast under produced scat film I guess one plus of living in Portland is the one after LGBTQIA2S bro I promise I'm gonna let you finish them splaining your cupial sexuality to me, but please take care of the open wound in the middle of your face. It's dripping onto your cleavage. Portland's underrated? P.U. That take stinks. P you that takes stinks Portlanders are very ugly very stupid and green in hue

Portlanders put the ogre in og retards Yeah, I actually think it's like pretty underrated. Yeah, it's an average big city. I'd be fine living there. You don't really feel it here. But that was fun. Yeah. That was, that was, I don't know, that's another powerful enemy. I know. Yeah. And I kind of was

on PC, unfiltered. Your ass ain't welcome in Chaz. In what Chaz is out of. Oh, yeah. They are the deep police to zone. That's that's what they just named

it Chaz. Yeah, I guess we'll call it Chaz. They call it Chaz with a Z, which is weird because there's a town called Gresham. It's a suburb of Portland and Chaz Gresham is my alter ego. That's right. It was also a real person

from Ohio. But did it ever. Wait. Yeah, because it used to be Chaz Gresham. That was your agent, right? He was booking. Oh, that wasn't me. That was my agent. Yeah. Chaz Gresham was That was your agent, right? He was booking you. Oh, that wasn't me, that was my agent, yeah. Chas Gresham was your agent. He was a real dude.

But you were acting as Chas to book yourself gym appointments, right? Occasionally, yeah. And did the real Chas Gresham ever find out? No, he probably did. He's probably weirded out because he doesn't know me. That has to be pretty weird. Yeah.

If it ever gets back to him Yeah, dude and Chaz I think Chaz is also the name of Cher's son Who oh is he? He's not in the line in the public spotlight is he I think so oh Chaz what would his last Bono Oh? Chaz Bono. Yeah, he's like a Unknown is he a politico yeah, yeah, yeah, oh like an og trans oh That oh yes, yeah

Had me fooled mm-hmm He's an og retard I can't believe I fucking said that. You're allowed. It's fine. It's fine. It wasn't directed towards anybody. Yeah. I'm thankful for Portland. Because it gave us Chuck Polanuk. I don't know how to say his last name.

The writer of Fight Club. I've seen that. Oh, okay. From, like, I used to not leave my dorm room without holding a copy of his book choke and I've never read it but I was just my weapon. I was like it was like a cop's gun to me and I was more dangerous. So that was like you took the It was so beat up and I would just sit and I was on I was like I was like LeBron in the locker room I was on page one for three semesters.

So it's his book, but not Fight Club. Yep. You were going to like then I upgraded, he put out like a travel book, I think for Portland, and I would carry that around to that's the one I would carry around. Choke. Oh, you I mean, of course you did. Yeah, I would try to like like like like I roll it up, roll it up. Yeah, you're going to get the Lord back pocket.

Jacob Lord, he had that book in his hand and his back pocket. That's insane. He had one in a holster, too Yeah Girls are going crazy because he's holding two cups of coffee at once all the time with one hand Yeah Girls are going fucking nuts for Elordi with the two cups Yeah, and he's always and I tried to do it the other day unique shoes tried to do it the other day People are trying they love he does it all the time just that the two cup So sick. Yeah

Now dudes are trying to mimic that behavior. Yeah But they're not Jacob Elordi Ned Flanders is from Portland or no Ned Flanders is based on Portland I was gonna say I think that's a that's a cartoon that No, Flanders is a Simpson. Yeah, yeah, but he's like that's they said he was based on Portland and. The inventor of vitamin C in capsule form, one, two Nobel prizes for it. Oh, he's one of the least American looking Americans. That's a good invention. It's like Lewis something.

He look he's he's one of the most Irish. He looks like a British guy. Now, that's not him. That's a Hungarian. Doesn't matter. But one of my favorite shows of all time is set in Portland as well. Portland, yeah. No.

What else? Little People, Big World. Oh, that's in Portland. I've never seen it. They have another show. The Roloffs. No, that was 22 seasons of just drama. They're divorced and they're both with big partners now.

No, they're not. Yep. But the husband and wife are both with both with of size They went up in weight class. They did What's the protocol there? I don't know they have to get like signed paperwork Can you just do that well a license I don't know It sounds fucked up now that I'd verbalize since the carry I have a concealed carry that's my husband Open carry state just bring your husband into a courthouse and try I'm allowed to be in here. I'm allowed to be in here with him Check the Constitution

The founding fathers weren't talking about that. He's concealed in my husband. Yeah, they got a divorce, but I used to love that show. I feel like there was one tall, hot stud son. I see. And they had a regular size. Yeah. And he was like, he was like, uh, Ryan Sheckler-esque.

Oh my, what a fate for him. I know. I know. He got in trouble for texting hoes from his family. The dad, one of my favorite episodes, the dad found out he sent 8,000 texts in a month, but like he was so angry and flustered and his voice, it was like, 8,000 tech, 8,000, and he couldn't say text. It's one of the best clips of all time. I recommend watching. This is in the early 2000s. Yeah.

Text said, yeah. And the limits, yeah, it was a $2,800 bill. Older parents can never figure out the pluralization of texts. Yes. They either erase letters. He did T-E-K. They call it just tech or they add letters

and call it like, Texas. Mm-hmm. Yeah. How tall is the regular sized little I think is it Jacob the regular yeah, like I guess like is I Forget what isn't I think he's like impossible to find now Now that shows what swept the nation was it just because they were little or did they have like a lot of charm? They owned a farm. Drama. They owned a farm. The the Roloff farms,

the yeah. He's off grid. He's off grid. Yeah, but they owned, it was like they, it was kind of like yellow, it was smaller yellow stone, yellow pebble. It's just about their adventures on the farm Just like but like they had to have been the least productive farmers of all time Yeah, didn't they didn't have machinery they had to pick with other Like their harvest of one strawberry took 12 hours. Is that what you,

there's not, there's not. Do people still pick crops? I don't know. I don't know anything about agriculture and I, yeah, I don't wanna upset them either. The agriculturalists. I need to, there's still a bunch of dwarf shows out there.

It's still, TLC loves pouncing on that TLC will go for any any disorder. Yeah, I don't know if dwarfism is a disorder, but Your family your did you did your dad's I draw for like the rosacea family didn't there was a rosacea one there Got to go to the bowers for the rosacea family. There was tryouts. Yeah, mine wasn't read enough You were pretty well read as a boy But there there are um there's a new there's a few

modern Dwarf family shows. They're still a commodity, I think. I know which one you're gonna bring up. Well, there's two that I'm interested in both. Which one? I know which one you're gonna bring up first. The seven, the seven.

The seven little Johnstons. Yeah. Dude. The seven little Johnstons is, that one went 11 seasons and they oh this has been around too So yeah, there's they that they are None of them look related no They're all little, but I don't know if they're all Johnston. They cannot be all Johnston's

I'm seeing two in particular that just can't be Johnston not be Johnston's I'm seeing two in particular that just can't be Johnston not be Johnston's I remember you what do they do yeah well the boy on the far right is just a fuck up of the family because he's addicted to Delta 8 tearing the family apart the mom can't even stomach it. She just calls it the incident. That's so funny. But it swept the family. I think he tried it once and he freaked out and called his mom. I think he had like 0.5 milligrams, which probably was a lot. Right.

Oh yeah. So you can tell he's the fuck up because the picture that we're showing is the family behind on a yellow background and he's wearing yellow. He wore the yellow. I'm sure the production staff was like, just don't wear a yellow shirt. All right. Far right little Johnston. Remember behind on a yellow background and he's wearing he wore the yellow I'm sure the production staff was like just don't wear all right far light right little Johnston remember It's a yellow background don't wear yellow, but his ass His ass is off the eight the sevens off the eight It's kind of smug because he's like the tallest

by a couple. He's like the big. Yeah, he's like the jock, the big son. And he acts like it in the show. He was like, I'm not micro dosing. I'm microscopic. He's every dose, every dose. I'm just going to take a micro dose. He's like, dude, that's a lot. But yeah, he was like late to the parents birthday.

They were pissed. They suspected it was the eight again. They blame everything on the Delta. Everything goes back to the Delta. It's synthetic and legal, but it's the FDA does not touch it. Yeah. Well, it's the seven little Johnston's. And apparently six of the seven are absolutely insufferable. Just six cunts.

And like, I looked at the discourse pages. You went to the seven little Johnston snark page. Everyone is hated, besides Anna. Everybody likes Anna. I guess they're all just horrific people. The dad, when the son relapsed on the Delta 8, he was like at a loss for words and like broke and cried on the Delta 8, he was at a loss for words and broke and cried on camera. Yeah, it was.

I have a feeling, because the tall Johnston, the fuck up, he keeps on going out with his boys and coming back high. But if you had a dwarven friend, you'd be. If you had a dwarven friend, you'd be getting them you'd be getting a mile Yeah, yeah, so it's every time he goes out with boys. I mean fuck you're in Middle Earth. Yeah, right Yeah You gotta get a line You got a peer pressure him to do anything

You got to get him. You got to peer pressure him to do anything. It's Delta 8. Yeah, dude, he's like half of the show is just about him and his Delta 8. How old is he? He also he's like 25. Yeah. He's not like a young son. The parents have a tracker on him and it went down one day and they were like, he's he's he's dabbling with the 8 again. I know it. He's going to be late to the birthday party. He went off the grid. He's one of the worst to the birthday party. He went off the grid. He's one of the worst Johnston's they got. What's the other show? He said it's been affecting his job. It's based on Atlanta house. It is. They've been, you know how they do like real

housewives. Yep. They also do little people with different cities as well. Oh, got it. Okay. So they'll do that little, little, little women. Atlanta is one of the best ones. Mookie, you're gonna have to contain yourself cause I know you're going to like little vicious. Little vicious. Yeah. Yeah. Little women, Atlanta. Yeah. Yeah. Little bit like they, they, all they do is just argue

and cry. That's television, baby. I think it was little, little, little vicious versus Miss Juicy, one of the most heated arguments I've ever seen about like not fitting into a bathing suit. And it was just screaming. It's a really good show. I believe Miss Juicy is on the far left. She's the perfect size. It's they're not bad. She's the perfect size.

They're not bad. I'll say it. They're attractive, the Johnstons are ugly. They're ugly dwarfs. I'll co-sign that bill. Even if they were taller, I'd imagine maybe they're not. Right. But that's fine, maybe they have other good features.

No, they're all insufferable. All the Johnstons. You're anti-Johnston. Everyone hates them. I looked at the pages Everyone what research did you do? What are they saying about they're all negative? They're all just mocking them No, how did that shit going for 11 seasons and you didn't catch wind? Have any of you guys MOOC Rudy no

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Wow, yeah, it's a slingshot. I'm trying to figure it out. It's a complex weapon. Well well David From the Goliath and David story. Yeah, oh that one. Yeah, right he Why was he the underdog? Yeah, doesn't make sense a fight with weapons projectile weapon not hand-to-hand combat He was hand-to-hand combat would be a huge upset right right he was hurling Rocks at an incredibly high speed with a giant target right he was the faith like he should have been the favorite He had a much bigger target

What was, yeah. God wasn't on his side, like statistics were. Yeah, statistics, physics, space. Yeah. Damn, I can't believe he killed that giant skull with a rock going 150 miles an hour from 50 yards. Big target. That guy was fucked from the start.

Poor Goliath. Look how tiny and elusive he is. He could just hit him from afar. That's gotta be infuriating for Goliath, especially to go down in history like that. Like, oh, you lost to him. And it's like, there was a little man rolling rocks at my face.

It wasn't MMA. Right, that would be an upset. Right. How big was Goliath supposed to be and also was Goliath? That's how we got the term like Goliath grouper like it's all named after him mm-hmm Mm-hmm, and now it's just a synonym for gigantic and David is he was just a dude with a tiny cock in the middle of Italy Look how hard it would have been to kill him. How would goliath have ever gotten there? nine foot six no no

No, yeah, so he it was a guy with like a disability Right he probably had some type of Dwarf marfyn syndrome. It's probably too big to see you probably had a horrible eyesight To move yeah, this guy was sent to his fucking death and I'm probably too big to see you probably had a horrible eyesight This guy was sent to his fucking death and a guy just slung rocks out That's fucked up going up against a miniature Chris Kyle And was it ever said that Goliath was like a bad guy because they make it seem like he was a big he just got Chosen cuz he was nine six. They just forced him out there. Mm-hmm Yeah, I think it was like a champion

situation. Miss Vicious could kill Goliath with ease. Ease 100 percent. I broke my nose with one of these once. I think I told the story already, but I got a slung back flung backwards. Yeah, I got a Jamaican slingshot,

which is very different design. How is Jamaican slingshot different? Doesn't make any sense. It's just a pillar. There's no prong. So how the thing would get through. But I was like pulling it up. I think I was like 12. I was holding it up and stretching it and like kind of

looking down the site and just flung out of my front hand. Why do rambunctious pre-pubescent boys love slingshots and media? I don't know. That was kind of just like imprinted in our heads. That and skateboards. If you see a boy with a slingshot and a skateboard, there goes the neighborhood

It's over. It's fucking done. I've heard that a while There goes the neighborhood. That's really fucked up to say like this family is gonna ruin it There goes the value of my all my assets Because those people bought a subwoofer because those people bought a subwoofer. Well, we're financially ruined because of that house. Not just us, everyone in the neighborhood. Yeah, you've ruined all of our lives. The neighborhood.

That's so fucked up. The worst thing to lose is your home. Yeah, that's like. They're comparing that a family moving into like a natural disaster. Right. And then like a lot of that fucking neighborhood, like a lot of the time, that's so rooted in race. Yeah, the dad that says it will say it in front of the kid holding an airsoft gun. Yeah. And then kids like, yeah.

There goes the fucking neighborhood. Oh, great. There is the neighborhood. Oh, my God, they're quaking the pool again. Yeah, the Johnson. The Johnsons got a trip. Another pool party, huh? They're splashing everywhere.

My house is down 300 K. Quit splashing. You're hurting the value of my own They're confined to their own pool And that's like one of the best forms of entertainment Splashing? Watching, well MOOC it's like a Memphis thing I saw a video of it this morning They said he just got out of the military There's like four

Oh I saw that There's a bunch of them doing their thing They're doing the dives, they're doing the cannon balls, they're doing the flips, and then one guy just jumps in full army fatigues. Dude, I saw a guy run away from the side of the pool to go put his socks on so he could go jump in the pool. They have to have full clothes on,

they have to have shoes, you have to have jeans. Yeah, but the amount of water they get out of the pool, I couldn't do in a year. Yeah, they're excellent at displacement. They're excellent at covering every square inch without hitting each other. Yeah, this is I think they can all just do this. Do you came straight from war? If I came straight from

like the Middle East, this is the first thing I'm doing. Look how much water is on the ground Well, I think that kind of explains the shoes there Kyle it would ruin all further laughs If I saw you do come and jump in in the middle of this video. I would laugh so hard I would never laugh at anything else. I actually can't have you do this I'm gonna make this happen. Is that Kyle? I just do like a pencil that's all those splash and then you're shivering when you get out yeah pencil pencil hold your nose yeah oh so is that Kyle from barstool what the fuck is

Kyle I don't think Kyle's getting recognized here is that KB barstool dude is that guy from shopping network is that the writer there goes the fucking neighborhood the boys using the pool oh My god Kraken Money if you're gonna trade crypto do it right so no sketchy platforms No sketchier customer support. That's why we only trust Kraken, K-R-A-K-E-N. Kraken lets you buy, sell, and swap over 300 cryptos without the lag, crashes, or clownery.

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But I do know what I do want to talk about right now the homoerotic and incestual Instagram post by Zac Efron. Did you see that? Nope. I'm gonna find it right now. It's just him sweaty with his brother golfing Okay, and I don't understand is he I guess I have to see it it's uh I if your body looked like this I get it but with your brother and got like I don't know man it was uh all right there's one frame in here that tells you that the first one look at that's wait a minute undo that that's the exact still that Rudy chose for opening his door when he moved in New York

Yep, yep, oh my god, but it's just doing yeah, he's got his glasses and his golf glove, but no shirt golf Yeah, you're like oh, why do they keep throwing high pointing the ball for Randy Moss? How many likes did that get shit that needs that needs face that should be the world's population that like that is not a bad shot And there's me and my brother just snuggled up in a golf both shirtless very shirtless both wet weird like More shirtless than most shirtless man. Yeah, it's the most shirtless I think anybody's been and I don't know and they don't one of them doesn't have shoes on this one right here where the brother Reveals himself is the lick lip the other lickly it's very

They just caption it sticks Well he's been through the ringer he's been ran through by tycoons you think you've always had that theory that oil baron right Saudi oil barons all over yeah, it's a boy dude you Right. Saudi oil barons all over. Yeah, it's a boy, dude. You think he's a yacht boy. A prominent thing on the on the tea pages is that he is a yacht boy. Consensual. Why have you been on the tea

pages so much? Because I want tea. I know that. Why do you want tea? Why do I want to do with tea? Tea makes me vibrate. I always do. I'm low. It's always brought back to vibrating. But oh, the right tea. It's always brought back to vibrating,

but oh, the right tea, like oh. You've been on the Nashville Wives one, right? Yeah. There's a rumor of, he's like a lower end country singer. He just goes to bars to get recognized and then leaves. And that was good. But I don't want like cheating tea. We got one of those.

Or like Saudi fucking ass tea. But he, yeah, like he's, if he he's a he's probably had all of the fun Zack yeah, they put I think they load him up with drugs And I think he's like 40 dude Zack yeah I think he gets off on being like you know having that like the boyish attractiveness Do you think he's gay? I think he. I think he's so he's so sought after that he's evolved into being of all past sexuality.

He's probably been fucked by Baltazar Getty. I also think I was getting like the museum. I think his name's Balthazar. No, he's an oil tycoon's great grandsongrandson Balthazar getty Jay Paul getty Yeah, I don't think also to begin with that. He understood. Oh, yeah, he is just That's the type of dude. I'd imagine was that your Soho house set oh Yeah, a lot of Baltazar getties. It was filled with getties dude dudes with like Charlie Leclerc as their phone wall Like role-playing as like someone associated with f1 beyond being a fan well it implies that you've been to Monaco

That's what it is. That's what that's the only reason yeah when someone asks like I'm just a really I'm really into the engineering side of it. Fuck you. Yeah, it's a feat of engineering. Fuck you It's twinks and cars and they hit a pebble they die. I'm I like Ferrari, but I'm more of a fan of the crew No, yeah, look into the crew Do oh gosh lying allegiances to Ferrari the second somebody starts getting into f1 That's when I know my friendship with them is on borrowed time We have a little we have a very few bit of time left as friends the boys are not gonna like that What boys got shooters f1? Oh, yeah, I think it's the coolest thing in the world

The problem is like just because you're a fan doesn't mean you're them Yeah, no, these guys are treated as gods, and they might as well be. The reaction time, their willingness to die in an inferno. You got to hand it to them. No, but yeah, these guys. The Soho house set. Were you supposed to be there?

Yeah. Oh, Mook, you missed out. I missed. But it was the first time I sent Nick out in the wild by himself. And that just shows that I need you man it was Disasterous well was there like did anything profound happen afterwards really? I'm glad that happened. I sprinted out

drenched in sweat And the dude that went before me that was the right move by the way sprinting out don't stick around I'm not sticking around because I know would be uncomfortable for the other So the green room was just the back of the room. Yeah So all the comics were sitting like on the countertop with the sink And everybody else is just crammed in the front is funny because so house essentially is a paid Greenroom the whole thing the whole thing and I started off by making fun of so ho house The whole thing the whole thing and I started off by making fun of Soho house

I was just like so this is Soho house I thought it was just gonna be like an old building with various plants, and that's all it is And they hated that We're gonna tear into the crowd and be like what's up you not come back no no and then um I was like no this is failed business no and I was just like no this is awesome this is like I'd pay for I'd pay for this for sure I don't get what they do were they expecting like some inspiration summit or do they actually go there for comedy the guy before me crushed the guy before me crushed they were actually laughing and I was yes and

he was the first one to crush and I but But two people went first and then I went up and I was like, okay. What was his style of comedy, the guy that did really well? I was talking about his parents fighting. Okay. Got some chuckles out of the boys. They spit out their Pappy Van Winkle. It was a Monday show.

That's my new drink, by the way. You're sipping on Pappy Van Winkle? I'm gonna be a Pappy Van Winkle guy. I don't even know what that is. It's a, I wonder if it's a bourbon, it's a bourbon. You've been sipping on Pappy Van Winkle? I don't even know what that is. It's a bourbon. You've been sipping on papi van winkle? Oh dude, you've got to... I'm gonna be off the papi. Wait till my papi era.

Dude, you've got to mix that with a McFuddy's pepper elixir. Wait a minute. That's $949? So you're just lying. I'm gonna buy one for the... Let's do a taste test. Just the tiniest sips every day. Just carry it around like an alcoholic. You're gonna go, I would sip that just to exhale

to somebody asking if I've been drinking. Just like, yeah, just a little sip of Pappy. So you're gonna microdose the Van Winkle? Just a Pappy. It's a special reserve. You wanna split some Pappy? Oh, I think we should all share a bottle of Pappy, take turns, which day it is.

What should we mix it with? Let's do Pappy and Tang. Let a bottle of Pappy take turns which which day it is what what should we mix it with? Let's do Pappy and Tang No, no you want if you want to order the anus the drink of anus we're gonna you go to the bar ask for a Pappy tang Yeah, that's we should we could single-handedly Trivialize Pappy Van Winkle as a status symbol by just making it A trend to mix it with tang They would have to be so fucking mad tang hits do they have a social page I want everybody to respond to their social media just be like this and tang

Incredible Van winkle orange bit of half a wink urban wait That's just a guy and this profile picture is a gun Is are you sure yes bourbon and lifestyle brand oh yeah, oh yeah this fucking this mix with Tang with the greater than symbol It's good alone for sure, but it's great with Tang This and this and Tang, perfect combo. Okay, wait so a Manhattan is bitters, and then orange, and then bourbon. So Tang works.

Oh yeah, Pappy and Tang is. I think it would work. But it wouldn't be a Manhattan, it'd be a. Pappy, how did you find out about the Pappy? Yeah, I've been like trying to weasel my way into the into the brand Doing that all right. I'm commenting on the same one. Yeah, most yeah listen tang and just like snacking on bitters like their checks mix A bowl of bitters just suck on them and spit them back out

That's One of the worst things that's ever happened to me. I reminded myself Do you remember when we were in Pittsburgh at a Chinese restaurant in order to edamame? Vaguely I remember the this is a harrowing tale I was I Was eating the edamame and I was about to bitch about it because there were no beans in the shell of the edamame in the pod. And then I realized that I was sucking and trying to get the beans out of Fasoli's discard bowl, which is the worst thing that's ever happened to me. That's sleazy.

And he'll just text me and remind me sometimes. Oh, he has a tattoo? He owns me for life. I was sucking on fasoli pod. Oh my god. It's already a bad texture. Plus his, yeah. Plus fasoli. This needs a little fasoli.

He's got a mouth thread in my man. Oh that boy got a big mouth. Oh yeah, he could suck out a bean. So, uh, yeah you just sprinted out. Are you glad that you got that bomb over with? Yeah, I'm glad, because now I'm quitting forever. I'm done, dude. That was the worst feeling,

because I didn't get one laugh. And I did a very, I like pivoted to like some, I started with like some clean stuff. I was like, okay, I don't like that. Go to edgier stuff. Hey, did that. That's when the guy did the, he did a new hand position.

It was like, kind of like this. And he went, come on, man. You actually got a come on man? Yeah. That's comic, that's cartoonish. Yeah. And like, to do the new hand pose and hit me with a come on man hurts so bad.

So I went back to the clean stuff. And then that's when I went to the vegetables and they hated it, hated it, and hated me. You will think of it like dating. Yeah, if that happened, I would quit forever. First you're like, I hope they like me, and then you get your heart hurt a little, and then you heal, and then you get more experience

in the field, and then your mindset switches to, I hope I like them. Wow. So if I had to compare this to a date, it would be like I go in there and I introduce myself and she spits on me. And then she takes out my cock and slams it in her Kia Sorento door.

And while I'm stuck in, cock in the door, a better looking dude fucks her. Men have paid millions of dollars for that. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I talked to Mooc, I talked to Sass, I talked to Francis for comfort

But I promise you your bombs have not been as bad as this bomb Yes, they have dude now Yes, they have I am So how's is an old building take a 10-hour bus home? I heard yeah I heard that. Yeah, imagine, imagine. Oh man. There was no Greyhound involved. Imagine taking a Greyhound to Louisville

and then fucking eating dick for four shows. You ate dick for four shows straight? Yeah, Louisville sucks. Dude, I heard the mice in the walls of this building and it sounded loud, like I was doing it for them. You've never had to rectify with your failures in a Greyhound. No, but I had to do it in a Soho House elevator

where they knew I didn't belong. This is, like I'm now fascinated by Soho House. They knew I was performing as soon as I walked in the door. So did they? This isn't meant to be a rude question. Did they go there with the intent of seeing a comedian or were they there? Yeah, it's a comedy night in that like side room. But it was Monday. Here's the thing about the houses. They it's Tuesday, Tuesday. They have activities every night.

So they have like networking seminars. They have like arts and crafts. But it's all in this room. And then on Tuesday, every other week, they have comedy night. It's probably guys who just happen to be there. And it was our friend, Dan, who invited me to do it. I'm thankful for that.

And I text him afterwards, I'm like, dude, I'm so sorry. I probably ruined this opportunity for you. No. People bomb in that room every week. Well, this is this is like this was more than a bomb. This was almost

like I this was torture for them. I mean, so how no one said a good joke in there ever like I do. The guy before me crushed. No, but like I'm saying, like the clientele, it's not a funny.

Well, it's branded as what an exclusive club for artists. Well, the only exclusivity is just money. You have to send a picture of yourself. Oh, you do. Yeah. Are they like attractive people or are they more like dorks with money? They're attractive. OK. I think it's like the people that go to your gym also go here. Oh.

Are there beasts? Are they churning out beasts? It's a little more exotic. It's exotic beasts. Do they have hybrid athletes? It was, it was the, the, the, the minority was the majority. Yes.

I'm reading you. Minority was the majority. It's like the cast of Euphoria. Oh. Yeah. So this is different than I expected. It was an androgynous crowd. Oh, okay. So I had the complete wrong idea.

I was expecting losers who started getting money in their 30s. No, no, no, no. It was people flying flags I've've never seen Richard Milley's It was probably some papi. It was like it was you couldn't really tell you have no clue. Yeah, you're blind You're like what it what I don't know what's going on here And I could and I was like okay. This is a great slice of every demographic that's ever existed. Couldn't get one. Couldn't get one.

Dude, I thought it was the type of guy who likes, who like, um, would just send chicks money. There were, there were those guys too. There was a lot of, there was older guys with young girlfriends. Yeah. Um, couldn't get either of them. I always pictured as guys who subscribe to one of those monthly subscription services where they send you a box of just odd items. Like there was a lot of guys that probably had like a monthly hatchet box. That's what I mean. Yeah.

That's what I like. Like and like emu jerky. Yeah. Yeah. It's just a very ambiguous crowd. It really was. Really can't pinpoint. But it's on me. I should. The guy before me made him laugh hard

It happened. I mean dude I mean you know this like the you it wasn't a matter of if boat or a matter of whatever the fuck the saying is Like it was gonna happen Yeah, you're gonna bomb at some point Somebody chasing me down afterwards to try to get they hand me like a w-2 so I could get paid and I ignored them Oh, no No, I'm not giving my social not no paperwork. I don't want any trail of this So yeah, that was awesome, but that was uh, if you were there

You saw the last show you're done done Done we're on the books August 27th at Zany's. I'm going to go do us. I'm going to do something different Puppetry I'm gonna do something different. I'm not I'm out of laughs man. Come on. I'm going to go do something different. Puppetry, I'm going to do something different. I'm out of laughs, man. I'm not doing laughs. Okay. Yeah. I look at obstacles as blockades.

That's what they are. I don't want to. Like perfect blockades. Like things that I can't hurdle. Really? You know, you face challenges head on, I thought. Yeah, like perfect blockades like things that I can't hurdle Really you know you face challenges head-on. I thought When no? It's one thing about me if it's if it's uncomfortable No, like rocket league

Yeah, like fucking rocket rocket league Rocket league is for dudes who can't even conceive of being good at a real sport in video game form. So they choose it's for kids. It's, it's, it's, it is the most accessible game. Yeah. It's soccer with cars and we weren't playing with people online. We were playing with against us. Well, granted, I think so we've talked about it. I don't know how the scoring breaks down. My final score was like was like 250 another guy we were playing with was like three something Rudy You were in the 200s MOOC you were in the 200s. Maybe some 100 games. I was in the 350s Let's okay, fair fair enough Kyle your final score played four games, and then you hit us with a I'm tired

Your your game was six points four points two points, four points, two points, then four points. Yeah. You never broke double digits in a game where a lot of people are in the thousands. We can't even figure out how that score is possible. Can you look up how the Rocket League scoring is? I think that should be our next thing we stream.

It's only, we play till you get a goal. It's so unsatisfying. But Kyle, you weren't playing. I like to hang out in like the home screen because the music is my favorite and I love the- You liked editing the car? I love the urban aesthetics. I'm just trying to be as cool as I can. I'm just trying to be as cool as I can. I'm just trying to be as cool as I can. I'm just trying to be as cool as I can. I'm just trying to be as cool as I can. I'm just trying to be as cool as I can.

I'm just trying to be as cool as I can. I'm just trying to be as cool as I can. I'm just trying to be as cool as I can. I'm just trying to be as cool as I can. I'm just trying to be as cool as I can. I'm just trying to be as cool as I can. I'm just trying to be as cool as I can. I'm just trying to be as cool as of course, I'm gonna yeah Go mute and be tired. It exhausted me Let's

Let's play it It'll when you score a goal Kyle is the feeling of euphoria is gonna be legendary for you When when you break ten on that scoreboard? It'll be a rush unlike anything you felt it'll hit harder than tea dude Dude, you bought an Xbox. I think you have 30 total minutes on it. I'm not much. Yeah, I don't have the the attention span Just a have potential GTA has potential I was not I was underwhelmed with like the graphics. I thought they were like hyper real I can't even answer it's it's a like 13 year old game.

Oh, so it's the next one that's like this grant. I'm excited for that. Yeah, it's an old game. Yeah. You thought you were playing the new one? I knew it wasn't new, but I didn't think it was that old. It's very old, yeah.

It's just stayed alive because people play online. Yeah. But I mean, the story is good if you get into it I knew that I asked you yesterday I knew it was gonna give you fits that there's a whole mechanic where you switch characters There's three main characters you play as and you have to switch between them I knew that was gonna give you fits there was a point where you had to click both sticks down at the same time That's when you turned it off. Yeah, I don't know the controls and they're giving me like cues to hit different things I don't know where they are on the controller. It's good. I mean the nice thing about your grant

The thought is you don't have to do that. You can just fuck around. That's what I did. I just like Got a motorcycle and drove around the city just beat up people and I remember the game being like you could fuck up your car Yeah, now it makes you feel it What do you mean? Like every time I hit something, like my controller had this like really like haunting vibration to it. And my car started actually breaking down. I thought they were invincible. That's never been the case.

No. Rudy, you need to make him into a gamer. I want to. I want him to enjoy himself. I do too. I really just want you to have fun. I feel bad every time you play with us because I feel like we do it a lot and you're doing it as a way to Socialize, but you just if you're focused on hitting the ball three times you you don't have the ability to speak

Right, that's then that's exactly what was happening. You know, I'm frustrated. I Want you guys to just kind of shut up? We just got to get you up to speed it's like it's sort of like You're like your parent like calls you about some tech thing, and then it's like, you kind of get frustrated, but then you realize that it is that it happened. Like, you just never learned the basic mechanics of playing video games with a controller.

So like, you just, once you get that down. You guys are trying to puppeteer me in a weird direction. Like, you know what I love. VR. You know what I love. I know, and I do it with you. I play GeoGuessr with you. I like Maps and Pappy.

And you guys never were like, hey, let's, how about instead of going on Rocket League we sip some Pappy. I need you to make- And look at- Bro, you go puffed an Xbox. We didn't make you do that. Can you make a separate Instagram account called Maps and Pappy and just post like, your vantage point, very set up of like, you with an atlas and a cup of pappy

Yeah, that's my new thing pappy diesel jeans Atlas Adderall my My oculus headset oculus headset cup of pappy Azerbaijan Oh my god what an evening to Azerbaijan. Azerbaijan and Pappy. Oh my God, what an evening. So would you like that if we were just all sitting around

with a map open sipping Papp? Gen four Tajikistan, Pappy, Tang. I would do that. No, no, I'm gonna try to. It's just so hard. Like I've been out of the game for 15 years. So everyone is so like leagues ahead of me. Not us. Yeah, I mean, I mean, we were utterly dominating him.

But we weren't even playing good. Yeah, we're not good. We weren't playing good. What you guys think is really bad. I'm nice on the sticks. No, you're not. You you weren't playing good. What you guys think is really bad. I'm nice on the sticks. No, you're not. You you you're in this. I would. Yes. Dude, it's like weird.

Have you talked to SAS recently? I think you're about to get cut. No, I'm not. Yes. No, I'm not. You're a liability. You don't understand basic rotation. Oh, yes, I do. I've been studying. Listen, I'm not. Don't come at me.

I'm just conveying what I've heard. No, I'm not about to get cut. He likes to say that. So I get better. So I practice on my own time. I've been studying spawns. I'm bad I'm not I dominated you guys in rocket League. No, I'm better than you What is this phase? Yeah, I'm really good at yeah, I don't like this thing. I don't like this confidence Are really fucking good at this. We got you guys won't play me in basketball He's talking about basketball like what you're saying with the basketball thing is fucking crazy I want a 1v3 you guys and I'm gonna I'm gonna win 11-8. You did a 1v3 last week. What happened?

I lost 11-5 verse better competition. It's it who was the competition? Moresh Wyatt and Zach oh, it's not better. That's like pretty much the same you guys can't shoot hoops There's three of us three of of two of us will be on you One part yeah, and I'm gonna completely neutralizing you and one of us will take an open shot Yeah, it might be it'll be a sloppy 11-0 win, but it'll be you don't think I'm gonna score a point I don't think you're gonna score physically you may never be the same after this We're gonna play in jeans. We will play in jeans.

And I'm not gonna play in my dry fit. That's my handicap. You don't need any handicap. There's three adult men. My handicap is no dry fit. Fine. That's fine. Are we doing it?

Are we doing it? When do you want to do it? Tomorrow. You want to do it tomorrow? Yeah. 3v1 jeans. 3v1 jeans. 1v3.

1v3 jeans.3 jeans yes deal done. I if you score five I I'm not I don't joke around about this kind of stuff. I will look into killing myself Yeah, like I'll act a painless way. I like looking at yeah, I've joked about it I've maybe thought about it in the worst points of my life. Not seriously, but like I the next You know when you're like buying a car. I'll start test-driving. Mm-hmm. You get a second opinion. I'll start. Yeah Yeah, I mean I don't want that to happen. But what happens when I win you if you win that? I just don't think it's possible mook I've been training for you're a below average baller against three bad ballers.

I'm an above average baller. You're not an above average baller. I think... I think I would beat you one on one. Oh, wait! Dude, I think I'd tire you out. Oh, you're on that Pappy right now. Just two people on you, you're fucked.

You're fucked. I will cross right through you. I don't know why we're talking about 11 to 5. It's gonna be 11 to 0 I am going to compete and I'm going to win You're going to if trip and fall when we're up 9 to nothing and it's gonna make like a loud wet skid sound And you're gonna have like a permanent body disfigurement on your face You're gonna look like the Prince Zuko from Avatar for the rest of your life. I am going to look very purple and red

and I'm gonna be extremely sweaty just a heads up. Thanks for the heads up I wouldn't have known. I'm leaving it all out there. I'm coming away with a win tomorrow. If you have the luckiest day of your life, you'll make a three and we'll win 11 to two. Oh my God. If you beat us, you get of your life, you'll make a three and we'll win 11 to 2 If you beat us you get a bottle of Van Winkle I get the pappy you get a bottle of Van Winkle, okay

Better order it now Where there's got to be one at the? at the Benny's Yeah, you can custom engraved it to Kyle. Do you think you could 1v3 wrestle us? Oh But how would I win Not getting pinned if I pin one of you if I pin one of you. Oh, yeah, you probably could I mean if we just dog-piled him he wouldn't be able to move but let's go one isolates any of us. It's curtains Let's go 1v3 everything I don't want to win Kyle. No, you see what he did to Stephen Che. Yeah, you put him into the earth's crust But there's three of us

He could hurt us dude. Mu can't hurt us. I'm gonna hurt you on the court. No, you're not if I get to my spots It's over you broke. What do you mean? You get your spots? Don't let me get to my spots There's no there is no chance. Dude, I think three average guys could beat Dwyane Wade. I don't think so at all. Three slightly above average ballers. No shot. There's two people on him and then one person always open.

If you're an above average basketball player, you can get a layup every time. Wear high tops tomorrow. Okay. Ankles are coat. I'm wearing Birkenstocks. I'm wearing Birkenstocks. You're done. I think I can be, I think I can wear heels. One of us is in heels because I already know what's going to happen. It's boring. It's boring. It's going to be a boring video. We'll know immediately that it's gonna happen is boring it's boring it's gonna be a boring video we have to give ourselves handicaps yeah this is making me so angry I want to play right now I think I'm I wear skis I'll win full alpine attire yeah I'll wear a full wetsuit with flip flops. That's snorkel. Rudy will be in a deep sea diving suit.

And then it'll be 11'6". And then it'll be 11'6". 11'6". 11'6". I will have an infant in each arm wearing skis. Okay, I think we'd be, yeah. Two babies in skis. Okay. I think we'd be yeah two babies and skis our heels

Spent our expensive heels. Oh, it sounds like you want expensive I guess I can't return them since I wore them I can't return them since I wore them Okay, my money's worth I'll do Edward van Winkle hands What's an Edward van Winkle when you tape a bottle of of wink teeth both hands Dude Pappy van Winkle is the perfect name because you can break it down to each of the three where you call it a bottle of Van, you call a bottle Pap, bottle Winkle, bottle Wink. Yeah, two Winks. Yeah, I'm gonna Wink it up.

I'm off the P.V. Winkle. I'm off two Winks of a coal miner's eye. Yeah, we're making Pappy happen. Yeah. It's gonna be a Pappy Fall. Go to the bar going to be a pappy fall. Go to the bar and ask for a pappy van Winkle tang. What's, what's the name of that? It's a flirtatious orangutan. Is that what's? Yeah.

I was trying to think of a different town that would be equivalent to like a Manhattan, but I couldn't get there. Oh, this is a, uh, well, give us a, give us a city to name this after. Um, Paducah. Give me the Paducah. Alright sir that'll be $950. Round of Paducahs for the boys. Oh man, anything else? Um, what do I have coming up? Yeah, what's in the pipeline, Dean?

What's next for Taylor Swift? I'll let the eras tours over. Probably another tour album. Is she engaged? All right, well, that's it.