A New Untold Story - Prom King feat. Sam Tallent - A New Untold Story: Ep. 435

Episode Date: February 13, 2025

Sam Tallent joins the program to talk villains, colorado, prom, & Howard Hughes. see sam live samtallent.com Ads: Chubbies - Get 20% off your order when you use code ANUS at https://www.chubbiesshorts.com Kikoff - Build credit fast and get your first month for just a dollar at https://GetKikoff.com/untold today. Thanks to Kikoff for sponsoring us! Mando - Control Body Odor ANYWHERE with @shop.mando and get $5 off your Starter Pack (that’s over 40% off) with promo code ANUS at https://shopmando.com! #mandopodYou can find every episode of this show on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or YouTube. Prime Members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. For more, visit barstool.link/anuspodcast

Hey, a new untold story listeners, you can find every episode on Apple Podcast, Spotify or YouTube. Prime members can listen to ad free on Amazon Music. All right. You mean you're going to reply to what I'm going to say? No, you're just going to say, no, that's a new untold story. Hey, is that story old or told? No, baby. It's a new untold story. A new untold story. A new untold story episode, episode 4 35 and we are here we started like 200 to

10 yeah jump to the end why not around established right off the get yeah rising actions boring you want day new ma yeah day new ma and we are here with Sam talent the aptly named yeah respect to the young Kings Sam talent Thank you for bringing me into your dojo media and new way media and author World travelers lover lover. Yeah, son brother hater friend He's not a celebrate bro. Wow, my aunt would always laugh and like celebrate shit and I celebrate shit too cuz of your hand Yeah, yeah. Wow, I got kicked out of Waterboy cause she laughed too hard. Shout out to my aunt Julie.

That's so awesome. Oh man, you have to leave Waterboy now. Yeah, they're like, you're enjoying the movie way too much. She was like, but it's so funny. Somebody complained. Have you tried to watch Waterboy with her since? I haven't, dude, but I did watch Dodgeball with her recently. And she got to the point where she couldn't make noise anymore.

She was laughing so well the exhale Yeah, the ant like oh My god Yeah, it was awesome like that is on yeah. I wish I could enjoy stuff like that Oh, dude, you can how just remember that everything you're watching even if you think it sucks or is gay as you say Kyle You know is for homos Watch this queer shit. Yeah, just remember that someone worked their whole life

to be put in the position to make the thing you're watching. And then you can appreciate it. Wow. Like if a movie sucks, you're like, yeah, but someone's dream was to make this movie or to like be the sound guy on this movie. And then I can be like, oh, you know, they're doing their best.

You know, they're trying. That makes it better. Spoken like a real YouTuber. Thanks, man. I mean, I prefer artists. Of course. They probably didn't teach you that in Lowry. Oh's welcome like a real youtuber. Thanks, man. Yeah, I prefer artists of course I didn't teach you that in Lowry. Oh, yeah. Yeah, you guys were talking about Colorado yeah, Colorado boys yeah, Larry's cool, but he brought up what kind of near the airport He brought up what school he went to son of a bitch and came at me call me a youtuber

Why'd you do that? Yeah, that was fucked up. Yeah,, I just felt frisky today. You felt nasty and you chose violence. I just got to sniff out the other Colorado guy. Hey man, the Centennial State, we're friends bro. I know we are. It's not my target weight. That's the state right there, that's Colorado. There was an interesting exchange that happened. What you got? So this is Colorado, what city is that?

La Mica. So that's the north north west corner. Yeah, like what city do you think that is man? Steamboat it's not Denver right the tattoo art. It's supposed to be that's what we Denver. Yeah It's like Greeley or keensburg or something That's pretty cool. Yeah, where are you from? I'm from Elizabeth, Colorado So just like east of the Castle Rock. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah down by the Parker Castle Rock, Elbert County Limons close by there, but that's kind of You're not in the plains, but you kind of are we're the planes I love this. Yeah, we're the black forest that gives birth to the plains

Then it's just all Kansas all the way out from there. Yeah like by Ponderosa Exactly, dude. Yeah, right by Ponderosa High School. Yeah. Yeah. I grew up like 12 minutes from there. A rural surprise. Yeah. Yeah. Do you agree with that? Well, it's better than no blacks allowed. Yeah. Yeah. Which is what it used to be. That was the surprise. You give the urban's quite the surprise when they enter. Yeah. It's a tree. They like they're trying to lean into being a tree city now. A tree city? Yeah, they wanted to because we have the black forest there, which is very nice.

We go smoke weed in there and play ultimate frisbee. Yeah, it's actually it's pretty over there. It is pretty when you're not there. Yeah. When you're growing up in that. I feel like a lot of places are like that. Sure. It's nice to fly over on the way to DIA.

Bingo. Yeah. Kind of like, oh, what's going on over there? There's some trees dude Stapleton now that like downtown area. They have is really nice town center. Yeah town center Well, that's the name of what they renamed to Central Park. I think so can you look up Stapleton Colorado name change super producer because he was a Racist man Ku Klux Klan. Yeah Mm-hmm, but that is that that's weird in Colorado a racist man? A Ku Klux Klan. Yeah. Uh-huh. But that's weird in Colorado.

Well, no. So Colorado, do you know, back me up on this, our state house and our legislation was Klansmen. Black Klansmen is based in Colorado Springs. That's right. So between the 1910s and the late 1930s, the Klan ran Colorado. Our senator was a Klansman.

Great. It's Robert Byrd. And everything's named after him. Quit bragging. Let us have it. 1910s and like the late 1930s the Klan ran Colorado our senator was a Klansman great Robert Bird Yeah, and everything's named after him quit bragging let us have I'm sorry for one Dude if we're in a racism off against West, Virginia Well, West Virginia's a star it is yeah as non Mm-hmm, then quickly yeah, at least you guys picked the side finally. Yeah, Tucky didn't pick a side They were neutral in the war that was justified The one that was pretty easy Yeah, it's like that in World War two. It's like, okay, I'm gonna throw my hat into one

It's pretty black and white the Civil War especially. Yes, Ableton school. The improv is up there Yeah, the worst comedy club in Colorado. I've never been don't Improv there's another one in Stapleton that's like really good, isn't it? No, the improv's in Stapleton and then the Denver Comedy Works is in Greenwood Village and in Denver at 15th and Larimer and it's badass. Why is the improv shitty? When the improv came to town, Wendy Curtis owns the Comedy Works.

I love her dearly. We threw my mom's wake in that comedy club. It's my home. Wow. And she paid for all the food. It was like, she like canceled the show. She's fucking ten toes down I love Wendy Anyway, she owns the comedy where she worked her way up from a waitress and then when the improv came to town They got on the radio and they said in Wendy you've had no competition for too long and the improvs coming to town to shut down

They cut it like a wrestling. Yes, they did. They're like Wendy Full soda, but you know, Madam Soder was here. Yeah. And her response was to open a second Comedy Works location, which is now a 500 person room in Greenwood Village. And it's the improv is a fucking place. You never want to have to work. Wow. Yeah. That's that good guys win. Yeah. Yeah. Stapleton is weird. So like the old Denver Airport was there and then now they remade it in the D.I.A. But it was an Air Force base. And I went to Stanley British Primary Middle School there.

And it's all the old barracks of your middle school's barracks. It's like not like that, though. It's like the captain's quarters for like the Air Force officials. And there's all these big hangers. The first ice rink I played hockey at was Big Bear Ice Rink. Hell yeah. Big hangers. That's why you like titties so much.

I do it even when I'm not even thinking. Yeah, you're playing around with big hangers. You like them too? Oh yeah. I love them. Maybe it's a Colorado thing. It has to be. Me and Nick hate them.

The titties. I wouldn't even latch as a baby. We're like we're so What we're over them yeah, why you're built like this yes, whoa yes, you were you were Yeah, I remember calling my mom say I'll be home in six minutes as a baby. Yeah get those things Yeah get my mug ready No, I'm on my fourth grade Ready Yeah, get my mug ready Man I remember flying out of where you're from as a boy I never went to the state of an airport my dad told me about it cuz my dad moved to Colorado in the 70s and then

just a because my dad moved to Colorado in the 70s and then just to drink and be a miner. And so a coal miner sounds awesome. No, I don't even know what kind of mine. I didn't find out my dad used to be a miner until we were on a camping trip when I was like, underground miner. Yes. Oh, I was going to say we were all we were. I was a miner too.

That's one thing. Well, but we were driving by some old mine. He's like, yeah, I used to mine there. And I was like, like golden. Was he in the mountains near near like Leadville oh yeah yeah oh my god and I was like what the fuck he's like yeah I mined for a bit and I was like that's crazy what that's a Colorado guy dude yeah that should be in Colorado I know from Massachusetts get out of there come on out west where it never looks

like rain. Yeah, yeah, he's like, that's the place to do drugs. For sure, yes. Rudy brought up his high school to you and you said, I've never met one of you in the flesh. I've never met a Bishop Matchbuff. I thought, how did you say it? Bishop Matchbuff.

So I thought it was Mash, like Mashboof. Massabwef. Yeah, yeah, it spelt weird. You guys were good at wrestling? Couldn't have been. We weren't good at anything. Really? Other than loving Jesus.

Oh. Yeah. But you should be happy you met me because it's a dying breed. Shut down. No way. Went out of business. You and Jefferson High School.

Yep. Damn. My brother went to manual. And that also went out of business. So we're batting a thousand. Every school you go to, which shows cause you can't read. Exactly. They're like, yeah, we have to close that.

We're not doing our job. Yeah, exactly. We're not doing our fucking job. But it's interesting. So like that's one of the few Catholic high schools in the state that's actually part of the archdiocese of Denver, meaning it's part of the church. So like typically private Catholic schools are like super rich. They look like the Death Star.

It's like insane. Yeah. Like Valor or what's the big one Mullen dude? Yeah more Yeah, but we were like, you know, it's a private school, but it's it was it was pretty like It wasn't super super fancy. But yeah out of out of business shitty shitty place But didn't Christian McCaffrey go to a valor he did. Yeah Yeah Yeah Mullen was like the big one you wanted to play football at. Like if you got to go to Mullen, you were probably going to get a D1.

Then Regis Jesuit. Dude, how about uh... Kyle, you gotta be in your glory right now. I like hearing this stuff. I like hearing about high school. Was it Holy... Trinity? Fuck, no there's...

St. Mary's? St. Something? Yeah, St. Mary's. Those girls, dude. Yep. St. Mary's girls have a rep. They could suck the rust off a goddamn tail. That was high school girl Yeah, I didn't find it was an all-girls yeah, when did you find out? Wait on set find out 2018 yeah, it's an outreach work. I was measuring their knees to the hem of their dress

It took me a long time to realize those high school girls could suck Yeah, yeah Regis Jesuit girls would hang out smoking cigarettes at the Chinese man theater Yeah, you know what's called the Chinese man theater? Yeah, they had pull them Wednesdays where if you did the eyes they let you know This is the vibe of the show This is the vibe of the show, right? Yeah, this is squarely the vibe. Yeah, yeah, right on it. Yeah, racist illusions.

I can play that game. Is that what it looks like? It even has the, it has the eye, look at it. Yes. It has the eyes. Dude, it does have the eyes. It's a caricature. Holy shit.

Let's build it like that. Oh my God. Zoom in, does that have buck teeth? In hand. Yeah. Is it squatting and smoking near a bucket of fish I have been in front of this place so many times and never noticed that it has My friends and be like take a look at that we saw old school

I always call my friends and be like, take a look at that, man. Remember when we saw old school? I don't know. Nice, man. That rocks. But where'd you go to high school? Elizabeth High School. Okay.

Yeah, go Cardinals. Fuck yeah. We were 3A in everything. In football we were 3A and everything else we were 2A. You guys were big, right? No, tiny. Really? Yeah, we were like 400 kids.

Wow, I always thought of you guys, yeah, yeah, go Cardinals, man. Yeah, we were like 400 kids. Wow, I always thought of you guys, yeah, yeah, go Cardinals, man. Yeah, we were like two-way, but we got clobbered and everything about baseball. Is that your logo to the left? That's the hottest a bird's ever looked. That's a Chad-ass bird. That is new. That was not ours.

Ours was the one right below right there. Okay, they beefed them up. Yeah. Whoa, my 20 years coming up in June. You to go I have to go I was I was class president Oh, no way. Yeah, you were a class clown. No that was runner-up for class I wasn't even in the fucking competition. Sorry I was most likely to be remembered and I was also should have been a couple with the girl I had a crush on since sixth grade and it was unrequited and when they published that that was like the final

Should have been a couple That's a that's owed on by the staff. Uh-huh. Yeah. Yeah The people know you best the janitor was like they should have fucking did you try to use that just like hey like these Guys are crazy. I did I gave her I gave her a hug from behind where I went around the bottom Guess who the surprise that was the worst thing you could have done. The pick-up artists always say that you should approach a woman from behind. She's beautiful. She's a beautiful woman, yeah. No, I mean, she was super funny. We were like best friends, but god, I was in love with her.

She knew the whole time. Of course. I made it very evident. Did you say, I love you? I don't think I did. OK. It was everything up to that. Remember the movie, Electra?

Did you guys ever see it? Oh, with Jennifer Garner? Maybe the worst movie ever that that. Remember the movie, Electra? Did you guys ever see it? Oh, with Jennifer Garner? Maybe the worst movie ever that existed. Did she look like Electra? She vaguely, but we went to, we went and saw this movie together. And I was like, this is a date, but it wasn't a date to her.

And I was maybe the funniest I've ever been. Oh yeah. For Electra, the entire duration, she was crying. I was crushing in there, dude And then at the end of it I was like I was in the bathroom like washing my hands in the mirror like doing this one You know like ooh, we're gonna eat tonight. Yeah, and then no she would like she like texted me and was like hey headed home Oh, she left what you're in the bathroom. Yes. Oh, yeah, cuz she knew she knew what she did what I deserved after that performance

So after that were you like I have to be funnier? No. Is she the whole reason you're in this position today? No, I think it was childhood obesity. I mean, yeah, it was a good buffer. Yeah. It's a tough realization when you, like, laughs don't equal attraction.

You're in the heartiest of laughs. And I always thought it would. It's effort equals unattraction. I know trying Yeah, but I mean it looks so effortless. Yeah, but you're a football player, weren't you? I was yeah, it's first team all-state Wow And you still didn't get the cheese your hilarious and first team all-state. I looked like Rosie O'Donnell That'll do it every time man look man. There's not there's not black enough leather on the sleeves of your leather jacket to make a woman forget your moon face. Hahahaha Just...

Oh no. Speaking up. That's enough. Oh no, no it's fine. So did you go to college in Colorado? Uh, I did. I went to Metro. Wait, is that her? That's her. Oh my god. Oh my god You are you look like Shug Knight. I know

Why didn't want to ever kiss me Crazy You brought the cane you were the man yeah This is embarrassing. So what? You posted it. Oh, you posted it? I was trying to sell out ComedyWorks two years ago. I did. There we go.

Look at that. Dude, you could tell. Oh, you were in love. Look at my hair. That's actually what Elizabeth, Colorado looks like, the back. Yes, it does. Yeah, we have Victoria Falls, Jr. Yep, I planned this prom, and I wore that to this prom

And I matched my jacket to look to be the same color as her dress and didn't tell her what it was gonna Look like and then we the prom king was prom king Oh, she did not win everything and she cried in the bathroom that she didn't win uh-huh Were you were you there consoling her I went into the bathroom as a grand romantic gesture, and I remember sitting on the ground Well, I went into the women's bathroom. Yeah We did it at the Natural History Museum kind of by Parker yeah fire mm-hmm yeah We were in there went in the bathroom I remember sitting down next to the stall like against the wall

I could see her feet underneath I was like you want me to come in there and make you feel better and she was like what? Yeah You were sprawled out in this outfit. Yeah What was your like kind of what was your thing like what was it like a genre of music back then? My friend zack told was like, you know, it'd be funny if we went to suave citos Which is this place at like ninth and uh santa fe by tacos de mexico I know where that is But I don't know whether you're talking about suavecitos was a place where you could rent like quinceanera gowns And these I went to a quinceanera, but keep going yeah, so I went as big pun and

He dressed in all purple he went with Melanie Pfeiffer, and we both looked ridiculous and neither of us were lucky romantically That's a damn shame man Alright guys tiny little break to talk about Chubbies. Experience unmatched comfort on your style with Chubbies iconic original stretch shorts. I'm sure you guys have seen the ads online. Cool patterns, comfy comfy pants. I use my Chubbies as my swimming trunks, actually,

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between January 2021 and March 2024. Payment and credit activity outside of kickoff can have an impact on your credit, individual results may vary. Oh man, Kyle, what's the episode number? 435, which is the area code of Utah outside of Salt Lake City. Never been.

Talking Ogden? We're talking Ogden, but we're also talking southern Utah. Nice. The red part. I don't know much about it. Yeah, so southern Utah, I'm fascinated by it. This is where you'll get St. George. You unplugged it.

Keep it together, man. Yeah. You'll get just stunning landscapes of red cliffs, red rock formations, canyons, and then you can just drive to- Arches National Park is down there? Arches, Zion National Park Bryce Canyon Mm-hmm. I went to place you don't ski down here You don't ski no and then the north is like the white snow cats Mark City and all that shit. Yeah, I

Went to Zion in high school what Zion and it was like the Zion in high school of National Parks It was dunking on all the other ones like a windmill dunked on the Grand Canyon so much more diverse They came in overweight, but no awe inspiring spectacle of just Color and it is splendor. You've always wax poetic This is this is the place and I was gonna just say if you are like a man in your 30s, you're single, and maybe you're trying to quit, go sober, move to St. George.

It's as simple as that. It's a dry county. Look at him. The thing is, it gets overwhelmingly hot. It's the desert, no nightlife. It's like 60% Mormon. Dancing's outlawed. Yeah, that's right. Yeah, it's a tough place.

I knew that this episode number was Utah, and I was looking up famous people from Utah Do you guys know about Nolan Bushnell? He invented two things Okay He invented Atari and Chuck E Cheese, there's no way yeah, dude, that's that's Invented Atari. I know he went to that theater. That's why I failed. He went to that Chinese man and Chuck E. Cheese. There's no way. Yeah, dude. That's, that's, he went two for two. A white man invented Atari? I know, he went to that theater. That's why I failed.

He went to that Chinese man theater. But and Chuck E. Cheese? Yeah. He did both? He invented Atari and Chuck E. Cheese. So two like very different forms of child entertainment. Mm-hmm, he also won a BAFTA fellowship. Yeah, this guy's the man.

Wait, he and... He's super interesting. And I, original, he originally wanted to call Chuck E. Cheese What he in? He's super interesting and I Original he originally wanted to call Chuck E. Cheese like wild wolf or wily wolf at Asia. I would never to say no Like Lulu lemon yeah, right It'll be funny, but the animatronics were originally for the adults while the kids played the games And so Chuck E. Cheese was originally a rat The kids played the games and so Chuck E Cheese was originally a rat

Smoking a cigar with a New Jersey accent and was an insult comic an animatronic Insult comic and when the kids walked by it was like programmed to like ash his cigarette on the heads of the kids Wow, really cool stuff that would have been great and then he invented Atari. That's insane Yeah, this man's unwell a Utah white man invented Atari. I know what an upset What did he just design the line segment and pong? Yeah, he came company But without Atari we wouldn't have the game Custer's Revenge. Yeah. Yeah, tell me pull up the cover Oh, you did. Yeah, this is you know about Custer's Revenge. Yeah, it was a very like culturally insensitive very look at the cover

It's like a tied up native woman and a naked general Custer. Yeah. Hard as a rock. I think there was like a scalping minigame. Yes, there was. And you had to dodge arrows to get to the end of the level

where you could rape that woman. Yeah, you raped her in the indigenous. Like they were drunk. Yes. Yeah. And look at the screenshot of the game. He's walking with the hardest, biggest white penis.

What did 8-bit rape look like? Go to that third, the fourth picture, the fourth. It did what did eight-bit rape look like go to that third the fourth picture the fourth It did the look you got to her you got It's insane that that was a fucking game That's thanks to Bush now that and Chuck E cheese Those are good graphics yeah, I could I think Yeah Good graphics. Yeah, I could I think Yeah And then it just restarts and that's the game it was up to four players to Yes, it was it was 4v1 how do you like fail to beat this level you can't get hard you can't

4v1 how do you like fail to beat this level you can't get hard you can't Gangbang DLC I swear this never happens Yeah, it is was he a Mormon yes, I Mean it's crazy that Utah is just is just Mormons. It's like or it's just all it's ran by Mormon culture Yeah, it's a total they have the shittiest grid on earth No city. It's it's a bad grid. It's it's every city Salt Lake City, we sing electrical grid or the outline of the way the streets and the and the are set up They have the none of the numerically it makes zero sense and it's like the easiest city to get lost in GPS was okay Yeah, interesting. I one time

Horribly offended one of my really good friends. Drew Crawford was Mormon in a Mormon family. And I went to Salt Lake City for a hockey thing. And I came back and only you will get this joke, but I called it a gigantic commerce city. Nice. Shitty. It's a shitty. I cut deep. Yeah, it sucks. It's a shitty place. Well, it's like you all live on Brighton Boulevard.

Yeah. Yeah. A dozen people will get that. But like they were horribly horribly offended. It makes Thornton look nice Yes, I can keep this up. Yeah, they love Mitt Romney there too, right? Is he the senator for a long time? He's a god. Yeah, is he but he's not from there. He's not no, was he from Mexico? I don't know. Yeah, I think he's from Mexico is Mitt Romney not from you I thought he's moved to Utah to become the senator his dad's like a billionaire His dad was like a super rich auto guy and it looked like a very humble life And then Mitt was just flexing on I think Mormons just like handsome men and women

Well he went over to France as a Mormon missionary probably got some of that fucking fine-ass hairy pussy Yeah, yeah, that'll change a man. I'm gonna devote my life to getting more of this. Mormon missionaries fascinate me. Cause a lot of like- I feel like Mormon doggy style, go ahead. I'm a Neil Brennan now. Yeah, wow. I'm going on a doggy style mission

to third world countries. But they get like- Knockin' on their doors asking if they know about reverse cowgirl. I was looking at like some NFL players like the Eagles have two guys Mormons Tanner McKee and Britain Covey But it's just crazy to be like a force five-star athlete and then like oh, I'm just gonna halt this I didn't know those guys were that guy's new years. He's not Samoan. What are you talking about?

Yeah, you're right The locations are wildly different like Brazil, Chile Navaspersk and then like Morristown, New Jersey. Yeah, that would suck Yeah, did you have a bunch of more most where you grew up? Oh, yeah drew. Yeah, we had a bunch on the East East Plains Yeah, were they knocking on your door a lot. They were cool, man They're bad. They had a church and their basketball court in the basement was carpeted. That was fun. Yeah. I'd argue that's not a court. Oh it was great dude. You go down there you play shoeless. Oh yeah that is pretty nice. You can like dive for balls, get rug burn. It was nice. Yeah. Full size basketball court? Mm-hmm. Wow. That's nice. Yeah, Mormons are a good hang.

Yeah, they have like trampolines. They're good at like jumping and flipping. They're good at flipping. Very good at extreme sports. Very good at hiking. Yeah, Mormons are a good hang. Yeah, they have trampolines, they're good at jumping and flipping. They're good at flipping. Very good at extreme sports, very good at hiking. Yeah, because you can't have booze or pussy. You start doing stuff like that. They excel at becoming dentists, from what I can tell. There's tons. And those ladies, man,

if you could get the guild off that, Lily. A Mormon lady? Oh yeah. Would you have to marry her? No. Do whatever you want. Do whatever the Would you have to marry her? No, no God what do you know about Utah? But then I think it like the geography is the antithesis of the people who live there I think it should be home to like

ruffians and outlaws and daredevils and it was for a long time dudes with ponytails and long nails So Colorado, yeah, it's Colorado. Yeah, but the Mormon culture I guess like I was looking at like reviews of st. George like You I mean, it's just every conversation you have. It's like what so what church do you attend? And if you don't, they'll politely ask you to go to church with them, which is like a nightmare. They do love taking you to fucking church, dude. Have you ever been to a Mormon mass?

Oh yeah, my buddy J.R. was a Jack Mormon, and he got fucking kicked out for pounding a 40 in the bathroom and throwing up. Oh, whoa. Yeah. Of the church? Yeah, I've been to a couple Mormon. So what are those like? They're very somber and quiet but like everyone there is like acting like they're having a blast So like you might be inclined to join there and have a blast cause our chicks prop property

You know what? I think that all the Mormon people I've known are good hard-working family men and they had one wife and they were Great fathers and they provided for their 7 to 15 kids. Okay. Yeah. They would have a whole crop. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They're a fertile folk. Oh yeah, they're fecundant.

But yeah, I think that like the people who are, you know, you're polygamous and shit, they give a bad name to these people. Yeah. They're just in a far out death cult like every other religion. Yeah. Yeah. That's fair. At least these people are fucking nice about it. Yeah, I heard they're extremely nice Super nice, dude, but like going on a mission trip is tough because you're facing non-stop rejection in a foreign land You can't call home, right? Yeah, which seems like a weird. Yeah, you can't tap out on God's mission Yeah, they like have to that sounds so important. Yeah, if you put it like that, yeah, yeah

Don't they have a weird obsession with like soda? Right oh But now they're starting to yeah, isn't there like a big like soda like chain across the state Yeah, cuz you can't drink so they like kind of supplement it with now the other swig. Yeah It's like ours or they're just putting like coffee creamer in it dirty sodas what's a dirty soda that's a good question click them click them blue what dirty sodas spiked with cream and flavored spiking with cream dude you know what's real good

and W. You're up here yeah can pour it out big old splash a half and Dude, you know what's real good? A&W root beer. Yeah. Can, pour it out. Big ol' splash of half and half in there. Really? Really stub your toe when you're pouring it, as my friend Derek says.

It's like a simplified root beer float. Yeah, it is. You stir it up, man. It's awesome. Yeah. It's not a bad idea. Can you float other sodas? Like I would like an orange soda

with a little bit of soft serve. Yeah, dude. I think root beer's kinda cornered in the market market floats. You can float whatever the hell you want Yeah, that's true. My buddy Chad Christiansen I grew up with whose father Bart was a great man and Chad I think I don't know. Hope he's never gonna see this. He's a devout man, but he had a legendary piece No kidding. Yeah, and I remember kind of a waste of a waste. We would tell girls, we'd be like, you know Chad, like quiet, Chad is really good at basketball. He's got like a fucking huge gagger.

And like, cause I can't remember. I think we saw it in like sixth grade basketball. His like, peen was exposed in a locker room. And I just remember, everyone knew that this very quiet, humble, you know. Yeah, he's peaceful. We had a similar teammate and it's amazing how much he got bullied for how big his cock was.

Well, dude, it's- Every day in the locker room. I think that that's the rest of us teaming up against the ogre. Yeah, yes. That was us chasing Frankenstein with our pitchforks. Well, that's why they probably got Frankenstein out of there because he was gonna fuck the women with his big case. Well, but that's why they probably got Frankenstein out of there because he was gonna

Fuck the women. Well, they shouldn't give him that Dominican kid's cock That's all they had lying around Made the monster yeah, Mary Shelley was a sicko My friend with the big piece Josh Varner you've you've met, was, showed it off constantly. Dan Starkabitch used to dump it out all the time. You gotta just lean into showing it off and if you try to hide it, your life is ruined. I took a darkroom photography class in college

and one of my series was his piece. A bunch of his pictures of his piece. And- Like silhouettes? No, no, no. Was it like Anne Geddes where he's like in a pumpkin? I was trying to go head on. It was artistic. I just wanted like straight down the shoe.

Down the barrel? Just so I wanted it to show no matter how big it is. It's the worst angle for a shot. Right, right, right. But like it could be any size. What were you trying to show people based on the shadows it cast? Yeah.

You're nuts. It could be any size. Yeah, but it's just like this is a big dick, but on the shadows it casts? Yeah. You're nuts. It could be any size. Yeah, but it's just like, this is a big dick, but from this angle, it's the same. It was kind of beautiful. It's the same as ours. It sounds like you were trying to rewrite the narrative on him.

Yeah, like from that angle, every dick's the same. Yeah, you and ours aren't so different. And so I did that, and my professor was like, this is so weird. Like, yeah, because I'm a pretty straight man, mildly straight guy, and I showed it and he kept it for years and years after I was gone to show like,

don't be afraid to do something outlandish. And in those years- He's like, art school's all about doing gay stuff. Yeah, it's about being gay. But in the years, I convinced a girl from our town to be a graphic design major as well at WVU. So she transferred and she had to take that darkroom photography class.

And what she, in that time she became engaged to that man whose penis I took a photo of. Verner? Yeah, Verner. And so when they showed the photos, she was like, wait a goddamn second. She recognized.

She recognized. She recognized. She's the only one who's seen that angle. Yes, her and I. And she was like, wait, but she had no idea that that was a thing. And so she went to class one day and she saw her hubby's cock. And there was no denying.

No. No. Yeah. I mean, once you've looked at the Leviathan in the eye. Well, I called the collection of photos Josh. Wow. That's insane That is so psychopathic yeah, I made this up I lie constantly on

Believe the barrel down I mean that was like a bold new tape There was artistic merit to the thing you described. Thank you, man. I just took the easy way out. You just unlocked us. Yeah. Okay.

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That equates to over 40% off your starter pack with code ANUS, A-N-U-S, at shopmando, S-H-O-P-M-A-N-D-O.com. Please support our show and tell them we sent you. Dude, my friend Dan Starkovich would like knock on the door with his cock. I remember like, well, it's all alleged, but there was like a freshman kid who played varsity and Dan would just go up all the time

and just put his dick on the kid's shoulder in class. I don't understand, because I don't know if mine is like almost bird bones, like where I'm hollow, but I don't think, I couldn't hit it on anything to make a sound. No, mine's like to bring cheese. Knock it on, knocking a door would be impressive. Making a sound from anything.

Ringing a doorbell with your dick would be very impressive. Yeah, because you have to push a little bit. You have to go and get really high. Yeah. To jump maybe. Jump and ding it. There's that joke about the dwarf, and it's like, how do you think I rang the doorbell?

It's about him having a huge cock Ringed all this fun though. Yeah, did I remember it's dark soon. It just sounded like heavy Yeah, it was cool. He would put it around his wrist like twice. That's no Was there elasticity to it? Oh, yeah. Okay. Yeah, he was real puppetry the penis type guy Wow that's impressive stuff I know it's Chris white had the dudes that have it don't take advantage no No Take advantage Big dicks need to start taking advantage? Yeah.

Big dick rapist? Oh no. Insult mean injury. I don't know if we've ever talked about this before. You just did the Donnie show. And he did this series in the old office where he was the office therapist. But he added too many R.E.s to therapist.

So it was the re-rapist. Which is the worstain of all time yeah Respect to the ultimate evil we're not going to yeah, yeah, but just Learn your lesson. I'm so sorry that happened to you. I'm back. Yeah, that is the worst villain. Worst villain of all time. Worst as in most heinous.

Yes. Hopefully not most anus though. Most anus. Oh God no. Oh God. One of you guys. That's us. Probably him.

He's a big dick rapist for sure. Yeah. Yeah you. Calling somebody that, how do you even take that? Just like you're a big dick rapist for sure. Yeah, you. Calling somebody that is, how do you even take that? Just like, you're a big dick rapist. I would take it well. Yeah. That's like one of those nicknames you have for your boy,

and then you introduce him to your girlfriend. Yeah. Oh, that's Terry, man. We call him BDR. Why? Don't worry about it. Don't worry about it. Janice, it's nice to meet you. Yeah, that's a relationship

ender, having a homie with that nickname. Sounds like a spawn villain. Oh my god. Yes, it is. I summon. No, no, no, no, no, no, no! That's so fucked up. Yeah. Oh my god.

You're right, I should have come on this part. Yeah, yeah. Oh man. Now's the time we'll insert an ad. And then- Right after Big David. That's a good lead in. Oh my god. You're an independent. You have nothing to fear from this. Uh, no, I really don't, but I mean I am an empathetic person.

Yeah, of course. No, no. I understand that crimes against women- This is very fucked up. Yeah, yeah, but it's fun to have fun. Of course. I get in the mud, that's how you get dirty. Yeah, that's right. Have you ever had any cancellation attempts towards you? I don't have a career like that.

Yeah, you do. You're very successful. I'm very successful, but I'm not like a Hollywood guy. Yeah, you're right. Have you ever had any cancellation attempts towards you? I don't have a career like that. Yeah, let's say you do very successful I'm very successful, but I'm not like a Hollywood guy. Yeah, you're right. Okay. I'm just a dude who wonders around making the people laugh No, no clips taken out of context. No what that's like the dumbest thing Yeah, you want to act like you're smart and you're gonna be a cultural commentator, but you don't get a fucking joke Yeah, what context means nothing to you and your fucking bastard agree Shut the fuck up there. We go. I'm gonna call fucking BDR Sam Vader should not have brought Boba Fett.

No. I summoned my champion. Yeah, dude, a game of Thrones? Yes. Up against the mountain. Wait till you get a lot of this guy. Mountain has a small dick. Yeah, you know know it can't be eroded away by the sands of time BDR

We got to move on, but he just keeps coming lay on your back It's like a sundial oh Man Sam I read it something very interesting on your Wikipedia Oh man. Sam, I read something very interesting on your Wikipedia. Book of rats. You were a pro. Oh no, having a Wikipedia. That's cool, yeah.

That is really cool. My dad was stoked on that. Yeah, that's a big deal. We were big Wikipedia guys. We're huge Wikipedia guys. We were on our high school's notable alumni for like two weeks. Oh my God, will you check and see

if I'm on the Elizabeth Colorado notables? When we were on there it was it felt so good It was obviously a joke because it said Nick Tarane and then Kyle Bauer parentheses five foot three See that's where the editing tool gets too crazy. Yeah, no no not high school. I don't think our high school has a Wikipedia That'd be the town yeah, it was with high school Wikipedia. That's the New Jersey one. Ah shit Colorado is the New Jersey one shit color always the New Jersey one Yeah, there'll be notable people this will make me feel nice Or it'll make me feel normal. There's no even notable people that have sense is it that small. Oh my god

That's a small pop wait media Up Yo last line oh you got it yes, you know guys I'm gonna adapt your culture here. Let's fucking go. Let's Fucking go dude, so yeah, that's fucking sick. Yeah, that feels nice I make fun of the people that say let's go constantly and then every once in a while. I'll have one There's not really a good alternative. What is a good alternative? Hell, yeah. Come on rock and roll Yeah, nothing works, uh-huh. No, it does feel good. I indulge in a let's go. Yeah, but I'm embarrassed afterwards Yeah, yeah, I'm so sorry about yeah you preface it. Mm-hmm. I'm sorry for what I'm about to do

I'll be like I never say this but G sluts I'm about to do I'll be like I never say this but G slots Got add sluts to it sure oh my god. I didn't mean to cut you off by feeling really good about myself. No we had to go This was a good thing to cut off for ya. Yeah, there you are man. No, what were you saying Rudy? Oh, yeah On your Wikipedia it says that you joined an anarchist Yeah, crew. Yeah. Well, I lived in a commune that was no my god anti-status tonight mostly anti-capital. Yeah Goblin house up there in Ithaca, New York Goblin oh the Goblin house. Mm-hmm. Yeah, and you're in a band called red verse black black. Yeah

That's why I lived there my buddy Clay who I grew up with Elizabeth. He learned to play bass I played drums forever my dad played drums I was played drums then learned he learned to play bass along to me playing drums and then he went to school in Ithaca not at Cornell, Ithaca, you know, Ithaca College and I was like I was gonna play football, but I like fucking hurt myself. So I couldn't play football So I was living in Denver and like going to Metro, which is you know, it's the largest commuter campus in the world There's no dorms there. Well, there's the links. There's the links. Yes. Yes. That's that's that's the University of Colorado, Denver, though. Metro is the roadrunners,

but they're right next to each other, aren't they? Yeah. That was fun. The College of Denver. They're on one campus. Yeah. Right there like Spear and Colfax. But yeah, I went up. I moved up to Ithaca for a bit to like live in this compound. And like the guy who ran it was cool. They were anarchists. I was a young man who threw a couple bricks through a couple Starbucks windows in Syracuse. And like definitely still like, I did, you know, I agree with a lot of the things they say and still do. But I believe in me, man. Okay.

I don't like the fucking man telling me this stuff. But what is like a, what is the compound? Yeah, compound. Like what's the the fucking man. But what is like a what is the compound? Yeah compound like what's the you lived there? It was this dude's house that he like inherited so you know just saying It's easy to be an anti fucking capitalist when your rent's free forever anyway That's neither here nor there no order. I don't even know if that's true That's what clay told me is that the guys inherited this house And then you're how old I was? 1920 very young I was up there between like 18 and cuz clay we went to yeah

He went I was up there between like 18 and 23 a lot and Lived in Goblin house and there was an abattoir out back which is an old slaughterhouse where like our band could Practice at all hours of the day was this a punk band. Mm-hmm. It was it was it was kind of like a noise thing Yeah, yeah, it was practicing in a slaughterhouse is that's very at all hours of the day. Was this a punk band? Mm-hmm. It was kind of like a noise thing. Yeah. Practicing in a slaughterhouse is very metal. It just so happened to be a slaughterhouse, you know what I mean? So yeah, I lived up there and sold a bunch of acid

to the kids who went to school at Cornell. Good career. Had a nice time. Banged a girl who had a snake. Whoa. I think it's amazing. Yeah, I think it's gorgeous. Banging the girl who had a snake whoa it's gorgeous bangin a girl that has a snake is a it's a feet yeah that is a feet it's one that's good one for the red you doing comedy at this time I started doing improv right out of high school and then I like tried stand-up in like

2006 but then no this this period of my life was like devoted to music. We like toured across the country, only played at all ages venues or people's homes. We were like very much, we practiced what we preached when it came to DIY kind of thing. Yeah, yeah. It wasn't like a straight edge thing, was it? No, no, fuck no. I don't know if the all ages. Fuck no, but we would only play venues that like

We're community based. Mm-hmm. We didn't play places that had like a cover fee or like Excluded you based on age we played one in Oregon one time, but that was stupid. What's the last time you played with them? We stopped playing I think in like 2000 With my 2011 are you still in touch with those guys? You know my biggest failure I think as an adult is the fact that I've fallen out of touch with clay We still react to each other stuff like on Instagram But he was my best friend from like third grade on And I fucking love him and there was like a girl thing that happened and I was the one I

Felt slighted even though I was like in the wrong about the whole thing and then we kind of schism from there But yeah, he's a good guy. He's on the eastern plains of Colorado planting He runs a greenhouse that only grows like stuff that's indigenous to the plains. No, that's cool. Yeah, he's a great guy So do you actually talk to him or just not enough man? Yeah, no I didn't like I felt I felt super fucked about it when it kind of I made I like made a Stamp I carved a stamp for our Christmas cards this year and Emily my wife was like make sure you send one to clay And I didn't have his phone number. Oh, and I was like that happens man. It's bad, dude We live together forever

We were we ran this house in Denver called mouth house We're like we were the old dudes who like knew about punk rock and like we were he recorded like a hundred different bands old dudes who like knew about punk rock and like we were he recorded like a hundred different bands like in Mouthouse and I mean I love him. Would you just like what about messaging him on social media? Clay's is weird in the way that like there's like this real stiff upper lip thing to Eastern Colorado where it's like expressions of that sort I don't are always they're not always greeted the way you want them to be and And I think that it might weird them out, or feel performative, or make it about me.

Cause he knows, he has to understand that I fucked up, or that something happened. Is it frowned upon with all these punks that you used to know that you're pretty successful now? No, dude. I think I still espouse the virtues that I have. I mean, I learned how to, I still make my own flyers? I make my own merch like that's cool. That's recently now. I have someone in Detroit makes my merch, but still yeah

Yeah, this whole success thing is still very new to me And I learned how to do everything in my career from like booking tours on myspace and sleeping on floors Yeah, that you like the punk rock thing comes through like I'm a I've been following you for a while Yeah, you did you do stand-up in or used to do stand-up in some very odd places. Yep. Yeah, I've done it in like sheds They erected like the day before I've done it it like fucking like a minik II like dude Those big thing in punk rock is like someone in punk rock guys I am cringing as well listener, but in the in the vet like in the community that I was, it's getting worse. Anyway, yeah, like some dude would have the keys

to like a tire place, and then he would throw shows there. So like I've done shows, I used to book shows in similar veins where it's like I'll perform anywhere where there's like chairs, and even if they sit on the floor it's fine. I used to do that in Wheeling, West Virginia with the Indy Band. The Flips, dude.

What kind of band were you in? Punk rock. Cool, yeah. What do you guys sound you in? Punk rock. Cool, yeah. What'd you guys sound like? My favorite band of all time's Op Ivy. Oh, great, I love Op Ivy. Did you, awesome, cool, yeah, Op Ivy's good. But like, the Pittsburgh, like we're right outside

of Pittsburgh, the Pittsburgh scene wasn't, we had anti-flag at the time. I know you did, and they would make you put out your cigarettes before they started playing. Yeah, yeah. Mr. Roboto House in Pittsburgh was like one of the best venues in the world. I never got a chance to go there.

Ours was a, there was like a metal bar in Wheeling called Yesterday's. Oh yeah, I think I tried to book Yesterday's. Really? It just fell over on its side one day. The whole building. Never really broke, but it was just on its side one day.

And then there were Shelly's in Wheeling. No. We wanted to do 123 Pleasant in Moreton. Oh my God, it's the just on its side one day. And then there were Shelly's in Wheeling. No. Okay. We wanted to do 123 Pleasant in Mordentown. Oh my God, it's the best. Yeah, we know about that. Yeah, but we never. Yeah, that's the building that just fell sideways.

It was perfectly fine, but just on its side. I've never seen anything like it. I remember we went one day and it was over. It was, it happens sometimes. I saw Leftover Crack play in Pittsburgh one time. Oh, no way. Yeah, and they, the fucking drummer, or one of them, I think it was the drummer, It happens sometimes. I saw Leftover Crack playing in Pittsburgh one time. Oh, no way. Yeah, and they, the fucking drummer, or one of them,

I think it was the drummer, at the merch booth afterward, literally had like a needle hanging out of his arm. Yeah. It's got a little, and I was like, because I was in like eighth, ninth grade when I was doing it, and it was just because of, my best friend's older brother was in a band called The Unknowns. Cool name.

And we would go up with him and my parents, I was scared constantly. Yeah, it's gotta be frightening. Did you ever have any experiences where you were like, oh, I'm panicking? All of our shit got stole in New Jersey one time. We played the meat locker in I think, Morristown, New Jersey.

And some kids stole all of our merch. And we found out about it right before we went on stage. And that's the only way we made any money, you know? Yeah. Yeah, and I remember Clay that night with his guitar. These kids were talking shit. And Clay, who always was very stoic, fucking bridge-faced, this kid right in the teeth with the neck of his bass.

And then there was a heated moment where it's like, are we gonna get out of here? But then they liked us after that. Wow. Because it's like, are we gonna get out of here? But then they like liked us after that. Cause we played like, we played like, you know, like Minutemen, like Black Flaggy, like Lightning Bolt was our big band, but we didn't wear the costume. Like we would wear like denim shirts and basketball shorts

and then go play for everyone who's wearing studs and vests with their hair done high. So when we walked in, we looked like fucking substitute teachers. Yeah, that's the fucking meat. There's like a, there's like every time a band is dressed like that, it's gonna be like the hardest show of all.

Like you might die. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like normal clothes or? Yeah. We didn't wear the costume. That was the big issue with the youth who would come and not know what to do with our discordant sounds. Speaking of Utah, SLC Punk.

Great movie. Great movie. It's a movie. Yeah, about like a punk in Salt Lake City. Recommend it. It's an excellent film. So are you like dabbling with psychedelics while you were like selling? Oh since I was a kid Yeah, I guess it I was at a rodeo. I was like 13 Acid at 13 my cousins. Yeah had some really good acid did it. Well, what does what's the 13 year old mind do? I don't fucking know, dude. I was just fucked up and scared.

Yeah, how a rodeo? I remember I was like, they would send out logs of chaw. They'd throw out like logs of skull to the crowds at the rodeo in Elizabeth. Like our whole GDP was based on the fucking Elizabeth stampede. Yeah, this is like the second time you brought up the rodeo because you were on the Yak. I didn't know the rodeo culture was this big.

First rodeo ever, allegedly, in America was in Albert County, Colorado, where I'm from, which I think is bullshit. The infamous first rodeo. The first rodeo in America, was rodeo outside of them? Was it a Spanish thing? I think that it was, it's got, horse people have been having, yeah, Deer Trail, Colorado.

The first rodeo. We claim it was the first one, yeah. But yeah, I just remember putting chaw in my mouth and laughing really hard at having all this chaw all over my face. The first, that's like tobacco, right? Yeah, it was like Skoll. That's the highest I've ever been.

Yes. It really fucks you up. Grizzly mint for me in senior year, and it was, oh my god. Yeah. It was a hard drug. Yes. That was like the first drug I ever did,

was just chaw, there was always chaw around. We didn't have chaw. It was gross. They didn't like it. It is gross. What is your relationship with drugs now? I still smoke a lot of live rosin and eat edibles, but I've definitely I quit drinking so I mean If someone has like really really good Molly, I will do it Someone has like really, really good Molly. I will do it. That's the peak of human feeling. I really love Molly. We used to go to Park Meadows when it opened.

We'd take Molly and sit in those chairs, the vibrating chairs, dude. Park Meadows Mall and Molly is... You've done it too? That's essentially like, no I haven't, but that sounds essentially like candy flipping, which is instead of having the second drug, you have Park Meadows Mall.

And you have all the girls coming out of the Hollister store in 2003. Oh, Hollister, thin ass eyebrows. Dude, it was nuts. They all had the same hair. It was the big pop bottle bangs were like a big thing at that time. Yeah, we'd just sit there, fucking faced.

Beautiful mall. Right when it opened. My mom, that was her last project when she worked for Douglas County. Oh wow. She was a landscape architect. Impressive. Rolling at a mall is interesting.

It wasn't even, it was me and my buddy Clay and Pat Sutton, who was his neighbor and like our son. And we got some fucking drugs off these Russian dudes who lived in these apartments on Hilltop. How old were you? I could drive at this point, I was like 16. But yeah. May I say something, don't take it the wrong way.

Shocking you're not dead. Oh no, no, no. Sound dead? No, I mean, I was always, I was never like, I've smoked crack or whatever, but I. Well, like I've smoked methamphetamine and I've smoked crack, but it was never my thing. But like the crowd, I'm saying, like buying from Russian men from an apartment.

Well, they were with, the Reagan sisters knew them and I would fucking eat a mile of shit to be near the Reagan sisters. I mean, you don't even need to describe them and I would fucking eat a mile of shit to be near the Reagan sisters I mean you don't even need to describe them and I'm in dude Jessica Reagan all-time babe. Shout out Jess I love you for using the names too. Yeah, that's what we do here We can make up names and all the time I'll get like a message on Facebook from like an old classmate like dude. I never fucking did that

Yes, I'll just be like, Ryan Nauman used to fucking pull his penis up to it and put it in his own dimple. This is never true, but I used the real, except Carter Huffman, his dick was always, that's true, everything we say about him is true. I did your mom's house one time and talked about Starky Bitch's dick, who I brought up on here, and I got a phone call

from a 303-646 number, and I was like, Elizabeth, Colorado, interesting, and I answered, and call from a 303 646 number and I was like Elizabeth, Colorado Interesting and I answered he's like Sam. It's Stark My friends at work said you were telling some tall tales And he's like now I'm just fucking with you man, my dick's been the talk of the office all day Well, that's so that happened with your big dick friend, but he's a teacher, right? And it was like some of his students that hurt our pod to that. That's another. Okay, talk about his uncircumcised dick and all of the students Really bad and then Cole Baxter I always talk about his big dick that guy's got a big dick

Colton Mason who had a legendary piece and it's like, of course he did Yeah, it sounds like a Louie Lamour character. I'm so glad you hopped on just because I've been feeling guilty about just using actual names but it's all I can think of. My pod, Jummy Behemoth, which is very similar to this vibe, if you like this, you'll like my pod a lot. Check it out.

We use names all the time. Yeah, okay. It kind of just, I'll tell a lie, a blatant lie, zero truth and then people will be like, that can't be true, and then they'll look up the person and be like, well that person exists, it must be true. Full names, it dramatizes it I guess, and it makes it more fun. Yeah, it's selfish and fun.

Yeah, and I'm not like saying the names of the people who committed the actual crimes. Right. Like I do refer to my friend Nick by his first name only, because he's the guy. He's the, we used to used to when we get pulled over, when we would drive around Eastern Colorado, we'd be in the back of pickup trucks all the time, just in the flat bed,

like smoking weed, you know, drinking beers. And you get pulled over every now and then. And I remember one time we got the, so they went up to the front of the car, like the cab and they were like, what are your names? And we couldn't hear what names they gave. But one of the drivers said his name was Nick Salazar unbeknownst to me and then he came and he asked us our names and I said my name is Nick Salazar and then we all got in trouble. Yeah you're double Salazar. Oh man. A classic foley. He's a good guy. Double Salazar. He named his son Nixon because it's a son

You need any roof work done you look at Nick Salazar man, he's the king Himself out of the gutter now. He's living on top Yeah, so uh that was great. Thank you for joining us. Yeah I am like looking into some guys I Got really into Ernest Hemingway's Wikipedia, but that's it Okay, now I'm on Howard Hughes. Oh interesting character. I don't know anything about I don't know who Howard Hughes I never watched like the aviator, but this is this is the guy Better than our assembly. He's like the og tycoon eccentric billionaire He would like save his hair clippings

and his toenail clippings. So people can get in. So his later life. Is the term eccentric reserved for wealthy people? It seems like it's always an eccentric billionaire. You're just a kook if you're a poor. It's either a kook or, yeah, you don't wanna be a kook. He just bought everything.

He's like, if Elon Musk was as fuckable as he is unfuckable Roster was insane like it was Derek Jeter times 10. No like every 1920s heart How'd he die woman? horribly, so You got really into air Design aircrafts like Bruce moose a wooden airplane. Yeah, the spruce moose He got in the planes though, and he like broke the speed record the size record Then he crashed got a traumatic brain injury, and he also got brain syphilis

No, yeah, you can get that just running didn't hitler get that yeah, it's like really bad It's syphilis untreated you can go to your brain, and he was running through like pre antibiotics pussy It was an open meadow An unproven field. A wild ecosystem. So the last 20 years of his life he was insane. He had excessive OCD. He was obsessed with the movie Ice Station Zebra. And he would watch it on loop.

Ice Station Zebra? So he would live in hotels and then hotels would try to kick him out for being too weird And he would just buy the hotel and then like he'd be in another hotel and the hotel across from him He didn't like the way the light illuminated at night, so he just bought that hotel shut the light off So he just bought things when he was mad. He's doing this while wearing Kleenex boxes for shoes. Oh yeah, excessive germaphobe. No fucking way. And this, is this news like Howie Mandel?

They say this is like because of the syphilis though? Probably, yeah. The mixture of that and the TBI. But, so he liked he would watch movies for like, not hours, but like months straight. Oh wait, click on Ice Station Zebra. So he bought a TV station so he could play whatever he wanted at any given time So it's be his favorite movies on loop on a station when he was in Vegas

So like if like Bonnie and Clyde was playing and it was like midway through and like the channel would just abruptly changed to ice station zebra Everyone knew like oh Howard's in town So many more things his later life section of Wikipedia is my favorite thing ever what's it got in there Look, this is incredible buying things like Sinatra stole his girl So he was rumored to have bought the silver slipper casino to move its trademark neon silver slipper Which was visible from his bedroom? Okay, so Hughes told his aides that he wanted to screen some movies at a film studio near his home

He stayed in the studio's darkened screening room for more than four months never leaving Near his home he stayed in the studio's darkened screening room for more than four months never leaving He ate only chocolate bars and chicken and drank only milk and was surrounded by dozens of boxes of Kleenex He wrote detailed memos to his aides giving them explicit instructions neither to look at him nor to speak to him God damn he was obsessed with the desert wasn't he chocolate chicken and milk Was this going vital bird? I mean, I just only know the movie, but he crashed in Beverly Hills Didn't he like yeah, then he moved into a bungalow in Beverly Hills where you weren't at rooms for his aides his wife and numerous Girlfriends he would sit naked in his bedroom with a pink hotel napkin placed over his genitals watching movies

It was because he couldn't weird details right there The touch of clothing it was too painful Whoa It says that when he moved out of the desert inn hotel he had never opened the blinds and they were rotted through This guy's this guy's insane true American wait I want to see his roster Yeah lovers Joan Crawford Terry Moore Debra Paggett Billy Dove Faith Domergue Betty Davis Yvonne de Carlo a the gardener Olivia de Havall and Catherine Hepburn

Heady Lamar Ginger Rogers. You got heady Lamar got heady Pat Sheehan Gloria Vanderbilt Mamie van Doren Jean Tierney I want Catherine treated them all like Xbox controllers He's like well-respected Howard Hughes is the coolest guy of all time a lot of people say that Kyle you were dominating the shit out of that. He's like well respected. He's like Howard Hughes is the coolest guy of all time. A lot of people say that. Kyle, you were dominating the fourth quarter of this podcast. You're killing that. Damn. Open meta is so fucking good.

That's like your zinger about my pants. I've been thinking about that all day. It's so funny. Damn, I'm going to have to get into this guy. Yeah. I can't believe he beat Ernest. He didn't, I don't know if he beat Ernest, but when he was 11, like he invented the ham radio.

What? Then he was like flying at 18, dropped out of Rice at 19, married the daughter of the founder of Rice, became like a pro-level golfer, then just started building planes. Awesome. Goddamn. That is awesome. I love him. He got Hedy Lamarr, who was the chick that was a spy model. You know Hedy Lamarr?

We talked about her. Spy model invented Wi-Fi. Yeah, he had her. Prime. And old school, like legit hot. Yeah, she was hot, and she's today's hot back then. Yeah. Which would kill a man. Let's see her Heady Lamar Heady

That's her. Yeah Yeah Beautiful woman. That'll do beautiful That'll do Yeah, that's a timeless beauty Catherine Hepburn as well Yeah, yeah, pull her up pull her up Catherine Hepburn as well. Yeah?

Yeah, pull her up. Pull her up. Give me Hepburn. Give me Catherine Hepburn. Summon Hepburn. Type in Catherine Hepburn unseen. Footage. How can they post unseen footage?

Yeah, is that allowed? Oh, she played Joan of Arc who you said was hot. Is it because of this? I don't know, she has like a very masculine face, which I really like. You like? I don't mind that. Yeah like a very masculine face, which I really you like I don't mind that Yeah, you know what the when she fucking died The fucking coroner and the sheriff of Los Angeles show up to the scene

And you know what the fucking sheriff said to the coroner. I'll go first. Oh my god She got decapitated. She the one that got decapitated? No, no, no Jane Mansfield Jane Mansfield who's the mother of another legendary big tit pig fucking Olivia Benson from SVU There we go

I'm sure she's very nice I heard she's not very nice Which is easy on the eyes You heard she's not nice? I've heard that my friend works on SVU. Okay, give me some Some insight some deets. Who was the lady who was breakfast at Tiffany's? Audrey Hepburn, she's number one. She was that died She died of anorexia. No, was that Karen Carpenter? No, she had an eating disorder as well

She had a baby deer as a pet. Damn. In this era, who were like the top celebrity dudes? I don't know. I think it was just like vaudeville guys who did blackface. Ronald Reagan. Yeah.

Yeah. Fatty Arbuckle. Al Jolson. Oh yeah, they fucking railroaded him. Oh yeah. So he fucking bottle pop raped some chick He was doing he was doing hotel antics as well like buying hotels Or he would just he would just bring he would just have parties at these hotels

And then immediately would just do hell in a cell lock the door One of us is leaving. We're doing a TLC in here. Oh man. No, no, go ahead. I'm just gonna ask him a throwaway question. Do you have any interest in like, or have you ever like, partied with celebrities? No, man. I don't... No, no. I hung out with Will Smith once and that was the peak of the mountain That's cool. Yeah, that's like pretty high up a list. He was awesome. He didn't smell like anything I was about that is well like yeah You smell like not you know much you have to pay to smell like a nothing didn't smell like perfume didn't smell like a man

No odor that that is wealth that I can't comprehend told me and my friend David and Sean Patton. I just like fucking That is wealth that I can't comprehend. He told me and my friend David and Sean Patton, I just like, fuck him. Did he say that? Oh, and I believe him. Yeah, he was the man. He couldn't walk through the casino floor in Las Vegas. He had to walk through tunnels. How big is he? Tall? Tall guy.

He's dirty. Super funny. He was like, the only people in show business I respect are comedians, because I can't do it. I'm a rapper, I've been an actor, I can do everything. I can dance. I can't do stand-up So you guys I think you guys are the best It was for this TV thing and I was I bombed my recording and the only person laughing at one point was Will Smith I looked out into the crowd of dead-eyed Vegasites

And then the only person in the back was Will Smith who was like slapping the table and like wiggling around and I was like fuck Well, that's all that matters. This is surreal. Yeah, I don't know. I think that's what I'll see right before I die when the DMT releases. I'll see Will Smith laughing at my Uber driver bit. I don't know. I don't like partying.

I like, I can't hear very well from playing drums forever. So like if you go to a bar, I can't hear anything. So I just love like sitting in a room and like laughing and talking to people. That's my idea of a party. Yeah, that's way better. It's so much better. I've been playing drums forever, so if you go to a bar, I can't hear anything. So I just love sitting in a room and laughing and talking to people. That's my idea of a party. Yeah, that's way better. It's so much better.

It is better. I don't have that thing where I need to attack the night because my life's boring. I feel like we live nice lives, and I'm filled with the funniest people. Yeah, I panic if I'm out past 10.30. Oh yeah? I just gotta get home.

Scared of the BDR finding you? Yes. Yeah. All right guys. Shows. Yes. My shows? When does this come out?

Tomorrow. Oh yeah, come out to Rosemont in Chicago, Zanies this weekend, and then Vancouver, British Columbia. I've got St. Louis, Marion, Illinois, and this is another one of those, I can't say no to a gig. Marion, Illinois, Indianapolis. Where's Marion, Illinois?

I don't know. Samtalent.com has all your dates on there. Cleveland, DC, on the road every weekend. Kyle, you know Marion, Illinois? I've never heard of it. Yeah, dude, Marion, Illinois right there. Then Mooc, check out his Philly video if you have right there. Then Moog. Check out his Philly video if you have it already.

That looks good. He's going back down there. And you're going back. Going back tomorrow. Yeah. Yeah. For the parade. Should be fun.

Thank you guys for supporting that video. It was a great time. Yeah, man. You brushed it. Go birds. And then watch Baldstool, which is also unbelievable. Yes. Rudy's in.

Yeah. Yeah, that has been so funny. Did you get hair Rudy? Yeah, that's your that's not your hair. He didn't need much No, just like a little spot at the top got great hair hybrid now. Oh, yeah, I'm era Man oh yeah, watch my travel show wide world We have nothing to plug nothing to plug everything every day is exactly exactly the same it isn't one of them about Eastern, Colorado Yeah, yeah, we just that's our first episode just came out I gotta actually check that out because I know so little about Eastern, Colorado good

You shouldn't have to yeah, we went out to Ken Carroll. We tried to get on the goddamn Merry-go-round it was closed everything was closed in this episode That's that sounds really good man we made the best of it I mean it's me and two other very funny people yeah that's all you need yeah that's all you need yeah all right guys thanks for listening God bless you God bless open meta